1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:05,046 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,174 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:12,053 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:15,139 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,184 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,604 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,189 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,024 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,155 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,952 You're watching CBS, 11 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:37,787 the loudest channel on TV. 12 00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:40,122 Previously on NCIS... 13 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:41,624 Ah, son of a bitch! 14 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,252 So, what kind of Navy crime do we have today? 15 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:47,046 - Dad, it hurts! - I'll show you. 16 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,173 Follow me to our windowless, high-tech room. 17 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,175 I love you, Peter. 18 00:00:51,176 --> 00:00:53,052 Drive the van faster! 19 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,972 He's headed towards the Port of Washington, D.C., 20 00:00:55,973 --> 00:00:57,473 where our Navy is held. 21 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:58,516 I'm browning out. 22 00:00:58,517 --> 00:01:00,434 See you on the other side. 23 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:05,231 We interrupt this program for an update on the weather. 24 00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:08,317 Record rains continue as Hurricane Michael Caine 25 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,069 has stalled over the Rhode Island coast. 26 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:12,196 Experts say Hurricane Michael Caine 27 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:15,324 is 100 times more impressive than Hurricane Dean Cain, 28 00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:17,326 which just seems silly now. 29 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:20,413 - Oh, my God. - What are we gonna do now? 30 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,415 Ah, well, at least we're all here, 31 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,833 and we're all safe. 32 00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,668 - Where's Brian? - Oh, my God. 33 00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:28,170 When we evacuated, I think we forgot him. 34 00:01:28,171 --> 00:01:29,672 It's okay, Lois, I left him chained up 35 00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:31,299 in the gully in the backyard. 36 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,802 Guys? Guys? 37 00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:38,639 All right, well, TV's out, no Internet. 38 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,266 Let's all just go to the bathroom 39 00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:43,352 and pretend we can't hear each other go. 40 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:47,148 So, Chris, did you get back 41 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:49,400 your Industrial Revolution term paper? 42 00:01:49,401 --> 00:01:51,611 I did. I got an 11. 43 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,571 Is-is that good? 44 00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:55,197 No, it's quite bad. 45 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,034 Hey, guys, the splatter on the floor was already here. 46 00:01:58,035 --> 00:02:00,911 I used four of the five towels to clean it up. 47 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:03,080 Seriously, guys, what are we gonna do in here? 48 00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:04,707 Well, maybe there's something in this drawer 49 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:05,791 we can all play with. 50 00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:08,044 Hair gel, condom. 51 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,462 Boy, the last guy who stayed here 52 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:10,838 was super cool. 53 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,465 And there's a book in here that makes you tired 54 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,799 just by looking at it. 55 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,219 A book called "T," written by Holly Bibble. 56 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:20,139 "Uh, Peter, I think that's the Holy Bible..." 57 00:02:20,140 --> 00:02:23,684 Is what Brian would say if he wasn't drowning in our backyard. 58 00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:25,227 When he's gone, can we get a bird? 59 00:02:25,228 --> 00:02:27,229 Read some, Peter, you'll love it. 60 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,981 It's Harry Potter for stupid people. 61 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,483 Hey, guys, could you tone it down? 62 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,401 This is offensive to the open-button shirt 63 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,778 necklace community. 64 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:37,281 Okay "The Street James Bibble." Page I. 65 00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,075 Seriously, could somebody else read this? 66 00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:42,828 "In the beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth, 67 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,165 and the sitcom joke that goes, 'That went well.'" 68 00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:02,973 "And the first man and woman, Adam and Eve." 69 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:06,602 I think the leaf over my balls is poison ivy. 70 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,937 What should we do today? 71 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:09,313 I don't know, but you're looking pretty hot. 72 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:11,232 You should wear this to work more often. 73 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:13,067 Hey, that's sexual harassment. 74 00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:14,656 Oh, so, should I stop? 75 00:03:14,657 --> 00:03:16,987 Yes, in about 10,000 years. 76 00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,949 Hey, while I got you, there's nothing to do down here. 77 00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:22,743 When are you gonna invent the American Office on Netflix? 78 00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:24,704 I-I just feel like they're not grateful. 79 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,581 You know, I-I gave them water, the sun, 80 00:03:27,582 --> 00:03:30,000 a clear road map to hating gays. 81 00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:32,294 So, uh, you want to name more stuff? 82 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,255 Ugh, that's all we ever do. 83 00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:37,007 Yeah, and there's still six billion things left to name. 84 00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:39,301 Okay, I'll start. That green, leafy thing. 85 00:03:39,302 --> 00:03:40,719 That's a Casey. 86 00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,597 That thing flying through the sky there... Casey. 87 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,725 You can't name everything Casey. 88 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,101 All right, fine, Eve. 89 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,145 What's the word for that thing flying through the sky? 90 00:03:49,146 --> 00:03:51,411 - I don't know... bird. - Oh, bird? 91 00:03:51,412 --> 00:03:53,001 - Bird is the word? - Bird? 92 00:03:53,002 --> 00:03:54,220 - Bird. - Bird? 93 00:03:54,221 --> 00:03:55,860 Bird. Bird is the word. 94 00:03:55,861 --> 00:03:57,069 Peter, cut it out! 95 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:59,280 You know, charades are a thing people do. 96 00:03:59,281 --> 00:04:03,159 Anyone mind if I open fragrant Doritos in a tiny room? 97 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,244 Ooh... Oh! Ugh... 98 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:08,205 It smells like horse crap. What flavor is it? 99 00:04:08,206 --> 00:04:10,249 "Cattle Ranch Doritos." 100 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,002 Relax, Lois. Family Guy has long been sponsored 101 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,587 by Axe body spray. 102 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:17,047 Axe? 103 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:20,968 There. Now we all smell like a nightmare Tinder date. 104 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:24,221 Okay, you two, I'm going away for the weekend. 105 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,265 My girlfriend got a piece in an art show, 106 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:28,267 and I'd look like a dick if I didn't go. 107 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,269 It's a pot that no one's allowed to use. 108 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,313 Don't even suggest putting keys in it. 109 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,815 Did everyone who submitted to the art show get in? 110 00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,901 Yes. But again, don't want to be a dick. 111 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,486 So, if you're looking for me this weekend, 112 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,571 I'll be nibbling terrible cheese cubes 113 00:04:40,572 --> 00:04:42,156 with Santa Fe people who couldn't cut it 114 00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,199 in the real world. 115 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:44,575 Are any of them named Melody? 116 00:04:44,576 --> 00:04:45,785 They're all named Melody! 117 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:47,536 Coming. 118 00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,872 Well, I gotta go get yelled at for being late to something 119 00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,499 I didn't want to go to in the first place. 120 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,709 All right, before I go, I got two rules. 121 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,628 No putting your penis in the gopher holes, 122 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:57,838 and no apples. 123 00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:01,008 You can trust us. Ow! That went well. 124 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:04,220 Oh, my God, that's so funny. 125 00:05:04,221 --> 00:05:06,597 'Cause it didn't go well. 126 00:05:09,518 --> 00:05:11,519 - Adam, would you like a pear? - Apple. 127 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:12,686 - Orange? - Apple. 128 00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:13,687 - Grape? - Apple. 129 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:14,688 - Peach? - Apple. 130 00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:15,731 - Nectarine? - Casey. 131 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:16,732 - Cantaloupe? - Apple. 132 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:18,234 - Honeydew? - Apple. 133 00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,276 - Clementine? - Apple. 134 00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,028 Hey, you guys looking for some apples? 135 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,780 You know, I could go for an apple. 136 00:05:22,781 --> 00:05:24,990 No. Adam, remember what God said. 137 00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,326 About his nightmare girlfriend's art show? 138 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,328 'Cause that's all I remember about that poor guy. 139 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:33,082 No. He said if we eat the apple we're kicked out of paradise. 140 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:36,418 - They have antioxidants. - They do? 141 00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:38,462 Why would I lie? I'm a snake in a tree. 142 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:40,339 I have nothing to gain from lying to you, 143 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,091 aside from the minor sexual thrill 144 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,175 of watching someone eat something. 145 00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,343 And-and that's minor. 146 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,095 Okay, I'm gonna do it. 147 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,471 Okay, good. Now, Adam can't be here. 148 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,682 Eat it with your feet, and look at me when you do it. 149 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,774 What the hell happened here?! 150 00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,819 Uh, it's not our fault. 151 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,571 You created the most tempting thing 152 00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:06,073 man has ever known... a piece of fruit. 153 00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:09,326 That's it, you two are kicked out of paradise. 154 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,287 Unless you want to buy a nice pot. 155 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:12,746 Can I put my keys in it? 156 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:14,331 - No. - Fine, we'll leave. 157 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:16,000 But where will we live? 158 00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,877 The opposite of Eden. 159 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:20,254 Well, Florida, time to fit in. 160 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,715 Let's go have sex with gum in our mouths. 161 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,174 Then what happened? 162 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,385 - They populated the Earth. - How? 163 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,221 - They had kids. - Okay, but then, what did they do? 164 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,389 They had kids, too. 165 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,182 - With who? - They were fruitful. 166 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:34,184 - With who? - Well, the girls 167 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:36,186 with either their brothers or their fathers, 168 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:39,023 and the boys with either their sisters or their mothers. 169 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,441 That's disgusting. 170 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,342 No, Meg, that's the Bible. 171 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,243 Are we just gonna let that guy in the parking lot 172 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:52,536 keep screaming at his girlfriend? 173 00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,204 Peter, get away from the window. 174 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,956 Shh, shh, shh. If we're quiet, 175 00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:57,499 you can hear every fifth word. 176 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,793 Always...... 177 00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:04,465 - never...... - my friends...... 178 00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:06,091 Michelob Ultra! 179 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:07,176 All right, back to the Bible. 180 00:07:07,177 --> 00:07:09,970 And again, you'll let me know if another older, 181 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:12,473 heavyset woman wanders by in nothing but a T-shirt? 182 00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,516 Why did we choose this motel? 183 00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:15,893 This is any motel. 184 00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:18,520 Now, here's a story about a bunch of animals 185 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:19,856 who went on a cruise. 186 00:07:26,404 --> 00:07:31,033 Noah, I want you to build an ark. 187 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:33,077 Right. 188 00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,204 - What's an ark? - A large ship. 189 00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:38,207 40 cubits by 80 cubits by 40 cubits. 190 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:41,710 Right. What's a cubit? 191 00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:44,380 Wait a minute, are you just doing Bill Cosby bits? 192 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,382 Yeah, why not? All of his stuff is up for grabs. 193 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:47,800 What is he gonna do, sue us? 194 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,301 Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. 195 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:53,097 "Noah was feeding his children chocolate cake for breakfast." 196 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:56,141 Dad is great. Give us chocolate cake. 197 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,893 Dad is great. 198 00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,520 Give us chocolate cake. 199 00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:01,563 Terrific. Okay, kids, that's enough. 200 00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:04,149 We're done stealing from "Dr." Cosby. 201 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,193 Now it's time to get ready for school. 202 00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:09,822 There's no school today. There was another mass stoning. 203 00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,157 Ugh, another school stoning. 204 00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:13,742 When will we learn? 205 00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:15,411 If only those teachers had stones, 206 00:08:15,412 --> 00:08:16,662 then they could stone back. 207 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,580 Hello? Stone control. 208 00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:21,750 Shem, stones don't kill people. People kill people. 209 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,085 With stones. 210 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,586 I don't think the Founding Fathers 211 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,922 ever envisioned stones this large. 212 00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:29,174 Can we not politicize the stoning? 213 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:31,051 All right? Thoughts and prayers. 214 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,679 Thoughts and prayers for the bashed. 215 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,305 Oh, hey, honey, two things. 216 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,974 I stopped taking my lithium, 217 00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:38,642 and I'm building an ark for God. 218 00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:41,353 - Those things seem related. - They're not related. 219 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,230 - They're fighting again. - Shh. 220 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:45,357 If you're quiet, you can hear every fifth word. 221 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:51,155 - Always...... - never...... 222 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:53,490 They're my animals...... 223 00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:54,950 Michelob Ultra! 224 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:57,786 "To build the ark, Noah stole the wood 225 00:08:57,787 --> 00:08:59,121 from the front of his neighbor's house." 226 00:08:59,122 --> 00:09:03,751 No, no, no, no, Noah! 227 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:06,628 "And the animals came, two by two, 228 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,797 and were given poorly assigned rooms." 229 00:09:08,798 --> 00:09:11,884 All right, uh, lions, you'll be with the baby antelopes. 230 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,970 Uh, crocodiles, you're with the water-crossing wildebeests. 231 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:17,139 Uh, bats, you'll be with bugs. 232 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,141 Seagulls, McDonald's wrappers. 233 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,893 Pit bulls and city babies. 234 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,437 And Christian Bale and annoying cameramen. 235 00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:26,440 Hey, Christian, looks like I'm rooming with you. 236 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:29,151 Oh, good for you! 237 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:34,740 "Soon, the Great Flood came... 238 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,325 "...and the ark set sail. 239 00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:38,327 "Then, like every father on a boat, 240 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:41,038 Noah quickly became a total dick to his family." 241 00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,664 Is that a half-hitch knot? 242 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:44,625 Uh... yeah. 243 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,460 Well, if it's a half-hitch, it's not gonna hold. 244 00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:48,879 It's gotta be a reef knot. You call yourself a sailor? 245 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,632 - I don't know. - Can I talk to you portside? 246 00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,384 Why are you heading starboard? I said portside. 247 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:56,220 I don't... I don't understand what's happening. 248 00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,555 I really don't. Why... Why would you go starboard 249 00:09:58,556 --> 00:09:59,890 if I said portside? 250 00:09:59,891 --> 00:10:01,058 Look, why don't I tie the knots, 251 00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,477 you polish the teak. Can you do that? 252 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:06,230 Wait, you're gonna polish the teak on the windward side? 253 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:08,565 I ca... I can't... Is this... Is this guy for real? 254 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:09,817 It's gonna make a mess. 255 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,401 You have to do it on the leeward side. 256 00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:13,695 - Sorry. - Never mind. Just take a break. 257 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,364 All right? I left a Penthouse magazine for you 258 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,448 in the aft cabin. 259 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,867 Oh, suddenly he's Popeye. 260 00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:23,997 Okay, guys, now remember to use the right bathrooms. 261 00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:26,000 All right, you're either "pellets" or "piles." 262 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,587 Excuse me, what about green smooshies? 263 00:10:30,588 --> 00:10:32,214 Oi, yeah, wombat here. 264 00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,216 What if my poop is a perfect cube? 265 00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,634 It's a real thing you can Google, 266 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:36,969 it's really quite remarkable. 267 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,223 Okay, God, we're doing it. 268 00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:42,975 Good. And you brought all the animals? 269 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,226 - Yup. - Lions? 270 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:45,352 - Yup. - Tigers? 271 00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:46,730 - Yup. - Spiders? 272 00:10:46,731 --> 00:10:49,356 - Mm-hmm. - W-Wait, w-why'd you say it like that? 273 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:52,192 - Did you not bring spiders? - I don't like spiders. 274 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,778 And-and technically, they're not animals, they're arachnids. 275 00:10:54,779 --> 00:10:56,405 - Don't do that. - Do what? 276 00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,698 You know what I meant. 277 00:10:57,699 --> 00:10:59,456 Snakes? 278 00:10:59,457 --> 00:11:01,869 - Oh, come on! - I-I got a lot of stuff! 279 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,957 39 days later... 280 00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:11,670 I'm sorry I threw the Monopoly board overboard 281 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,172 on the third day. 282 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:14,840 I was mad I couldn't be the hat. 283 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,884 Well, at least we still have The Game of Life. 284 00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,051 I'm the blue car. 285 00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,929 Um, I'm-- I'm already the blue car. 286 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:24,433 Sorry I threw The Game of Life overboard. 287 00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:27,144 All right, let's play Risk until it's clear I can't win. 288 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:30,731 Look! A bird on the horizon! 289 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:38,488 Ah! Giant Bible bird! 290 00:11:38,489 --> 00:11:40,449 Aah! 291 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:44,036 Somebody throw away the balled-up underwear in my room! 292 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,412 Don't look at it! 293 00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,122 Just throw it away! 294 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:49,542 Ah, look! Land! 295 00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:54,504 Pale-Israel-stein. 296 00:11:54,505 --> 00:11:56,965 Now let's divide it into banks and strips 297 00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:59,760 as one normally does with land. 298 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,179 "Shem and Ham married their mom, 299 00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,848 "while she and Noah remained the best of friends. 300 00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,975 "Noah even danced with Ham at his second marriage 301 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,518 "to his daughter. 302 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:11,396 "Shem and Ham had twins named Phlegm and Yam, 303 00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,357 "who married each other and gave birth 304 00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:15,025 to Noah's next daughter-wife." 305 00:12:15,026 --> 00:12:17,611 And that's the story of the Great Flood. 306 00:12:17,612 --> 00:12:20,239 Now God only brings natural disasters 307 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:23,158 to places that have too much butt stuff going on. 308 00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:25,957 God, if you stop this rain, 309 00:12:25,958 --> 00:12:28,413 I promise I'll never do butt stuff. 310 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,832 God, if you stop this rain, 311 00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:32,961 I'll never do butt stuff agai. 312 00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,214 Let it pour. 313 00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:45,138 This is fun. Read us something else, Dad. 314 00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:46,682 You got it, Chris. 315 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:49,726 How about this laminated motel information sheet? 316 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,144 "Checkout is noon. 317 00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:53,897 "Must dial nine to reach outside prostitute. 318 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,315 "In the event of fire, 319 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:58,151 "follow the older heavyset lady in just a T-shirt. 320 00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,570 "There are no dining facilities on-site, 321 00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:03,282 "but guests are encouraged to visit the Applebee's, 322 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:06,076 which is a short walk across the six-lane highway." 323 00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:07,911 Well, we might have to brave that walk. 324 00:13:07,912 --> 00:13:09,163 I'm starving. 325 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,249 Oh, God, I made eye contact 326 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:13,625 with someone looking for shelter. 327 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:16,211 Guys? 328 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,880 Lot of street signs whipping around out here. 329 00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:21,091 I had an umbrella, but as this is a comedy, 330 00:13:21,092 --> 00:13:23,218 you can imagine what happened to it. 331 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:25,012 Let's see what's in the mini-fridge. 332 00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:28,682 There's nothing in here to eat but crackers and screw-top wine. 333 00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,809 Who buys a comb out of a mini-fridge? 334 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,061 - Guys? - Crackers and wine? 335 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,396 You know, that actually reminds me 336 00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:37,232 of another Bible story: The Last Supper. 337 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,318 "It was the week before Easter, 338 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,070 "and Jesus and Mary Magdalene were dyeing eggs 339 00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:44,656 "with that cheap messy coloring kit from the drugstore 340 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,451 "that has those weird paper things that are like costumes 341 00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,494 for the eggs but never really fit around the eggs..." 342 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:50,954 Hey. Hey, Mary. 343 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,040 The half-orange, half-red one is mine, so don't eat it. 344 00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,875 I wanna have it for when we watch 345 00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:56,335 The Sound of Music on Sunday. 346 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,045 We don't have to wait till Sunday. 347 00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,588 We can eat these eggs tonight. 348 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:02,257 Oh. Sorry, I got that big supper with the guys tonight. 349 00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:04,301 But tomorrow's Friday, date night. 350 00:14:04,302 --> 00:14:06,261 You and me. Nothing's keepin' me from that. 351 00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,555 Somebody'd have to nail me to a piece of wood 352 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:10,140 and throw me in a cave grave. 353 00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:12,100 You're having supper with your disciples? 354 00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:13,935 What's the big occasion? 355 00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:16,772 Ah, we're drafting teams for our fantasy football league. 356 00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:19,358 And if one guy isn't there, it screws it all up for everybody. 357 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,276 Like last time, Paul was on his speaker phone, 358 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,819 and we were like, "Paul, you're up," 359 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,196 and he'd be like, "I'm what?" 360 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,197 And we'd say, "You're up." 361 00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,282 And he'd be like "Oh, okay, um, Randy Moss." 362 00:14:27,283 --> 00:14:30,202 And we'd say, "Thomas picked Randy Moss, he's off the board." 363 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,871 And he'd say, "What?" It just... it just really sucked. 364 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,790 Well, I guess if your friends are expecting you, 365 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,124 - you have to go. - Right? 366 00:14:36,125 --> 00:14:37,584 Okay, I'll see ya. 367 00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:39,127 Are you sure you don't want to change? 368 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:41,755 That's the same robe you wore to the leper colony. 369 00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,673 I don't know, maybe throw it in the dryer at least? 370 00:14:43,674 --> 00:14:45,258 Don't take this the wrong way, 371 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,470 but I'm not taking advice about germs from a whore. 372 00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:54,434 Mr. Pilate, I'm here to file a complaint. 373 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,937 It's Passover, and somebody tricked me 374 00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,105 into eating leavened bread! 375 00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,856 Look, I'm from Rome. 376 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,525 If it isn't spaghetti, I don't know what the hell 377 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:03,443 you're talking about. Now get out of here! 378 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:05,570 Grace! Grace, am I done? 379 00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:07,030 Can I go home? 380 00:15:07,031 --> 00:15:08,281 Ooh, not yet. 381 00:15:08,282 --> 00:15:11,201 You still have that meeting with that Judas Iscariot 382 00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:13,161 regarding that Jesus fella. 383 00:15:13,162 --> 00:15:15,038 Ugh, right, Jesus. 384 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,832 Man, that guy's a pain in the ass. 385 00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:19,000 Oh, well, he's very popular. 386 00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:21,044 The lepers, the Canaanites, the fishermen, 387 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,588 the Philippians, that woman at the well. 388 00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,132 Oh, they all love him. 389 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:27,759 They think he's a righteous dude. 390 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,177 Wasn't that cool? 391 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:30,637 That was really her. Edie McClurg. 392 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:31,763 Thanks, Edie. 393 00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,390 Hey, man, what's the buzz? 394 00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:35,016 Tell me what's a-happening. 395 00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:36,726 What are you, high? What the hell is that? 396 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:38,895 Listen, I got 30 pieces of silver 397 00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:40,439 if you narc on your friend Jesus. 398 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,898 Oh, I don't know. 399 00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,525 Seems like kind of a slimy thing to do. 400 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:46,153 I will also throw in two dirty tennis balls. 401 00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:49,197 Well, lead with that, man! Yeah! 402 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:52,367 Okay, we're all gonna be at the Jerusalem El Torito at 5:15. 403 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:53,618 5:15? 404 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:55,120 Yeah, it's a very big group. 405 00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,289 It was either that or 10:45. 406 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,086 Did it go off yet? 407 00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,421 No. Stop askin' me. 408 00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:05,922 I thought we had a reservation. 409 00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:08,717 So did I. So did I. 410 00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:12,220 I just went to the bathroom. The whole patio's open. 411 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,014 Yeah, but are there heating lamps? 412 00:16:14,015 --> 00:16:17,476 'Cause I can hear Simon already: "Beep. Beep-boop. 413 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:19,895 Beep-boop-beep. Ba..." 414 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,104 We get it, it's cold. 415 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:23,106 - "Christ"? - Oh, yes, that's us. 416 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:24,483 Ed Christ? 417 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,151 Uh, no, no, Jesus Christ. 418 00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,611 I'm Ed Christ. 419 00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:29,571 Great. Is your whole party here? 420 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:32,115 Almost, my wife Stephanie is out pooping on some hay, 421 00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,950 but she is here. 422 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:36,161 How's this? 423 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,913 All right, that's great. 424 00:16:37,914 --> 00:16:40,123 Hey, guys, I want to have fun with the seating. 425 00:16:40,124 --> 00:16:42,959 Let's do it boy, boy... boy, boy... 426 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,128 boy, boy... boy, boy. 427 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:47,547 And let's all sit on the same side of the table. 428 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:50,926 Can I start you folks off with anything to drink? 429 00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,178 Yes, we'll all be splitting one cup of wine. 430 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:57,098 And can we have some bread and no other food at all? 431 00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,100 Wow. Let me guess, you're Jewish? 432 00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:02,062 Yes, although my first name is oddly Puerto Rican. 433 00:17:02,063 --> 00:17:04,231 Friends, followers, 434 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:07,067 there's something important we must discuss. 435 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,861 Remember the Pizza Hut Bigfoot Pizza from the '90s? 436 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,613 That thing was huge. 437 00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,407 I mean, I-it was, like, this big. 438 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,122 Your photos will be available in the lobby 439 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:22,415 when your meal is over. 440 00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:25,539 O-Okay, uh, thank you. Thank you. 441 00:17:25,540 --> 00:17:28,509 Sorry about that, I was kind of right in the middle of my thing. 442 00:17:28,510 --> 00:17:30,799 Anyway, there's something else you should know. 443 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:34,428 Before the night is over, one of you will betray me. 444 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,267 This is some bullcrap. 445 00:17:40,268 --> 00:17:42,018 I'm the only one who's the color 446 00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:43,353 we're supposed to be in this thing. 447 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:45,438 Yeah, let's not be so quick to judge here. 448 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:47,566 - We're better than tha... - Quiet down, Judas. 449 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,609 There's a Judas among us. 450 00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:51,194 And it's Luke! 451 00:17:51,195 --> 00:17:53,863 Oh, good, I thought I was too late. 452 00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:56,449 Wait... what... h-hey! 453 00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,827 - What are you doing? - Kissing you, like in the plan. 454 00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,412 The old "Judas Kiss." 455 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,247 No, it's Jesus who gets the kiss. 456 00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:03,999 And did you... did you close your eyes? 457 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,084 Oh, so I kiss Jesus, then? 458 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,086 - No, I do. - Well, who do I kiss? 459 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,463 All right, I'm not leaving here until I kiss a guy. 460 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,340 It's the only reason I joined the army. 461 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:14,676 Okay, good, here's the bread. 462 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,136 Now everybody listen up. 463 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,096 Take this, and eat it. 464 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,432 It's supposed to be, like, my body. 465 00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,184 - Ew, what part? - I'm not gonna say what part, 466 00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:25,437 but you're supposed to eat it while kneeling. 467 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:27,689 All right, now it's a party. 468 00:18:27,690 --> 00:18:29,899 Okay, now pass this wine around. 469 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:32,193 You're never gonna believe what this is supposed to be. 470 00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:34,738 ♪ Happy, happy birthday, from all of us to you ♪ 471 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,657 ♪ We wish it was our birthday, so we could party, too, hey! ♪ 472 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:38,859 Ah, son of a bitch! 473 00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:40,035 All right, forget it. You know what? 474 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,202 This whole thing is ruined. 475 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:42,704 Okay? We'll just do it next week. 476 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,331 I mean, it's not like this is our last supper. 477 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:45,832 Hey, what the hell are you doing? 478 00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:47,083 You're supposed to arrest this guy. 479 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:49,002 Relax, man, it's a party. 480 00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:50,503 That's enough. 481 00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,589 All right, you're coming with me, buddy. 482 00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,090 Listen, pal, I forgive you, 483 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,425 because you know not what you do, 484 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:56,635 but get the hell out of here. 485 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,887 I ain't leaving. You are. 486 00:18:58,888 --> 00:19:00,849 Oh, you think so? 487 00:19:08,064 --> 00:19:11,149 "It was a chicken fight of biblical proportions. 488 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,068 "And then, there was Easter. 489 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:15,528 "Also, pregnant ladies have to have the baby. 490 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,739 The end of the Bible." 491 00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,240 - Hey! - The lights are on! 492 00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:20,662 That vent is dripping again. 493 00:19:20,663 --> 00:19:22,577 And it looks like the storm has passed. 494 00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:23,995 Great, let's get out of here. 495 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:25,997 Oh, it wasn't so bad, Meg. 496 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,041 We got to spend time as a family, 497 00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:29,879 and read a few stories from the Bible. 498 00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:33,254 You're right. And look, somebody bookmarked another page for us. 499 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,256 Maybe there's one more story we can all 500 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,300 learn an important lesson from... oh, oh, 501 00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:38,799 it's a whole big toenail. 502 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,429 Okay, all right, last one across the highway 503 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,932 to Applebee's has to pay. 504 00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,102 You gotta cross at the light! 505 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,145 - Shut up! - What did you say?! 506 00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,772 Oh, we doin' this? 507 00:19:50,773 --> 00:19:53,191 - We doin' this?! - You're damn right we are! 508 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:56,111 Watch out, I got God on my side, I will (BLEEP) kill you! 509 00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:12,293 Well, it's good to be home. 510 00:20:12,294 --> 00:20:14,546 I'm glad our house survived the hurricane. 511 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,132 Yeah, now we got three months of sour-smelling house 512 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,134 to look forward to while it dries out. 513 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:20,510 I was left to die. 514 00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:22,429 Chris, you kept the Bible? 515 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,305 Yeah. I think I'm gonna get a job 516 00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:27,225 as a night security guard and just read it constantly. 517 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,686 I'm already putting lots of notes in the margins. 518 00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:31,563 "And the king said unto her, 519 00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:34,149 "'What aileth thee?' And she answered, 520 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,735 "'This woman said unto me, give thy son, 521 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:40,989 "that we may eat him today, and we will eat my son tomorrow. 522 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:43,867 So we boiled my son, and did eat him.'" 523 00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,952 Second Kings 6:28-20. 524 00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:48,079 - But you already knew that. - Look, man, I was just seeing 525 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,874 if anyone dropped off my umbrella at the lost and found. 526 00:20:50,875 --> 00:20:54,210 Well, let's see. There's got to be something in here for that. 527 00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:55,754 Hey, you ever read Dianetics? 528 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,714 No, but I believe it. 529 00:20:57,715 --> 00:21:00,968 And that is why I'm not gay.