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00:00:00,499 --> 00:00:03,366
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:03,961 --> 00:00:07,229
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,264 --> 00:00:10,799
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:13,802
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:13,837 --> 00:00:17,305
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:17,341 --> 00:00:20,609
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:20,644 --> 00:00:22,177
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,212 --> 00:00:23,545
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:23,580 --> 00:00:25,096
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,097 --> 00:00:29,097
♪ Family Guy 13x054 ♪
Turkey Guys
Original Air Date on November 16, 2014
11
00:00:29,098 --> 00:00:33,098
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:33,123 --> 00:00:34,556
Live from New York City,
13
00:00:34,591 --> 00:00:37,692
it's the JCPenney
Thanksgiving Day Parade.
14
00:00:37,728 --> 00:00:39,294
The JCPenney parade?
15
00:00:39,329 --> 00:00:40,962
Yeah, it's like
the Macy's parade,
16
00:00:40,998 --> 00:00:43,231
only without
licensed characters.
17
00:00:43,267 --> 00:00:46,234
With the popular
balloons we all know and love--
18
00:00:46,270 --> 00:00:47,602
Mickey Rabbit,
19
00:00:47,638 --> 00:00:48,937
Sponge Cow,
20
00:00:48,972 --> 00:00:51,907
and Clifton the Small Blue Dog.
21
00:00:51,942 --> 00:00:54,776
Peter, get in here!
22
00:00:54,811 --> 00:00:56,378
You want to tell me
what the hell happened
23
00:00:56,413 --> 00:00:57,913
to our Thanksgiving turkey?
24
00:00:57,948 --> 00:00:59,314
Oh, that.
25
00:00:59,349 --> 00:01:01,183
Uh, well, last night,
Brian and I
26
00:01:01,218 --> 00:01:02,817
got drunk and
ate the turkey.
27
00:01:02,853 --> 00:01:06,087
But before you get mad,
we also ate the salad.
28
00:01:06,123 --> 00:01:07,756
Damn it, how could
you guys do that?!
29
00:01:07,791 --> 00:01:09,424
Boy, I must have
been really drunk.
30
00:01:09,459 --> 00:01:10,592
I don't remember
any of that.
31
00:01:10,627 --> 00:01:11,660
No problem.
32
00:01:11,695 --> 00:01:13,461
Instagram
remembers for you.
33
00:01:20,504 --> 00:01:22,224
Peter, we've got a houseful
of people coming
34
00:01:22,239 --> 00:01:24,005
and they're
expecting a turkey.
35
00:01:24,041 --> 00:01:25,340
Well, if they're
expecting a turkey,
36
00:01:25,375 --> 00:01:27,309
I'll just put on
Evan Almighty for them.
37
00:01:27,344 --> 00:01:28,344
Zap!
38
00:01:30,447 --> 00:01:32,948
You and Brian better get
another turkey right now!
39
00:01:32,983 --> 00:01:35,250
And don't bother
coming back until you do!
40
00:01:35,285 --> 00:01:36,551
Don't worry, Lois.
We will.
41
00:01:36,587 --> 00:01:37,919
Yeah, we'll be back
with a turkey
42
00:01:37,955 --> 00:01:39,688
faster than you can
say, "Jack Robinson."
43
00:01:39,723 --> 00:01:41,289
Jack Rober...
44
00:01:42,826 --> 00:01:45,794
Jack Row...
45
00:01:45,829 --> 00:01:47,696
She had a stroke that killed
the part of her brain
46
00:01:47,731 --> 00:01:49,397
that says "Jack Robinson."
47
00:01:49,433 --> 00:01:50,966
We got plenty of time.
48
00:01:55,639 --> 00:01:57,405
All right, Brian,
first order of business--
49
00:01:57,441 --> 00:01:59,307
we have to decide
who gets to ride in the cart
50
00:01:59,343 --> 00:02:00,709
and who has to push it.
51
00:02:00,744 --> 00:02:02,077
Well, I'm smaller, so...
52
00:02:02,112 --> 00:02:03,778
The decision
has been made.
53
00:02:03,814 --> 00:02:05,413
Ooh, now I want that one.
54
00:02:08,719 --> 00:02:11,353
Aw, crap-- looks like
they're completely sold out.
55
00:02:11,388 --> 00:02:12,520
Yeah, sorry.
56
00:02:12,556 --> 00:02:14,789
We just sold our last
turkey to that guy.
57
00:02:16,226 --> 00:02:19,294
You are the turkey
I have chosen to pardon.
58
00:02:19,329 --> 00:02:21,663
Fly free, turkey!
59
00:02:25,102 --> 00:02:27,469
Oh, Fudgsicles!
60
00:02:30,107 --> 00:02:32,307
Hey, you don't sell
turkeys here, do you?
61
00:02:32,342 --> 00:02:35,076
We've been to every grocery
store in town with no luck.
62
00:02:36,847 --> 00:02:38,613
are these little packets
of weird vitamins
63
00:02:38,649 --> 00:02:41,383
that vaguely suggest
they help you in the bedroom.
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00:02:41,418 --> 00:02:44,753
"Performance and
stamina, for men."
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00:02:44,788 --> 00:02:48,456
I know what that means.
66
00:02:52,462 --> 00:02:54,896
Peter, enough.
Come to bed.
67
00:02:54,931 --> 00:02:56,131
Uh-uh, Lois.
68
00:02:56,166 --> 00:02:58,333
The packet says I got to
play till I'm raw.
69
00:03:02,773 --> 00:03:04,072
Can't believe
every turkey
70
00:03:04,107 --> 00:03:06,841
within a 60-mile radius
of Quahog is sold out.
71
00:03:06,877 --> 00:03:09,010
I know. And now
we're so far from home,
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00:03:09,046 --> 00:03:10,845
none of your
stations even work.
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00:03:14,885 --> 00:03:17,419
♪ She thinks I'm beautiful ♪
74
00:03:17,454 --> 00:03:19,387
♪ Meet Virginia ♪
75
00:03:19,423 --> 00:03:21,589
Is this...
Is this fine?
76
00:03:21,625 --> 00:03:22,857
I mean, it's
not... it's...
77
00:03:22,893 --> 00:03:24,626
Yeah, it's fine if
you think it's fine.
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00:03:24,661 --> 00:03:26,928
It's not that good
of a song, but we know it.
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00:03:26,963 --> 00:03:28,330
Yeah, okay. Sure.
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00:03:28,365 --> 00:03:29,531
♪ She never compromises... ♪
81
00:03:29,566 --> 00:03:30,899
Brian, I love Train.
82
00:03:30,934 --> 00:03:33,101
I love Train.
83
00:03:35,372 --> 00:03:37,472
Chris, are Brian and
your father back yet?
84
00:03:37,507 --> 00:03:40,909
No. And why are you saying
the dog's name before Dad's?
85
00:03:40,944 --> 00:03:43,278
It's weird.
That is weird, you're right.
86
00:03:43,313 --> 00:03:44,612
Well, they better
get here soon.
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00:03:44,648 --> 00:03:47,582
I can't host this
Thanksgiving dinner on my own.
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00:03:47,617 --> 00:03:49,384
Hear that?
This thing's all on you.
89
00:03:49,419 --> 00:03:51,152
What? What are you
talking about?
90
00:03:51,188 --> 00:03:53,228
Well, the fat man's never
going to get back in time,
91
00:03:53,256 --> 00:03:55,790
and with him gone, that makes
you the man of the house.
92
00:03:55,826 --> 00:03:57,892
I sentence you to death!
93
00:03:57,928 --> 00:03:58,960
Chris, Chris, slow down.
94
00:03:58,995 --> 00:04:00,562
I'm just saying,
without Peter here,
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00:04:00,597 --> 00:04:02,697
you're going to have to be
the host of Thanksgiving.
96
00:04:02,733 --> 00:04:05,734
You have to do everything
the fat man normally would.
97
00:04:05,769 --> 00:04:07,535
You mean, like,
fall asleep on the toilet
98
00:04:07,571 --> 00:04:10,472
and have a big red ring
on my bum for a week?
99
00:04:10,507 --> 00:04:12,273
No, no, no-- greeting
guests as they arrive.
100
00:04:12,309 --> 00:04:13,875
Facilitating small talk.
101
00:04:13,910 --> 00:04:16,077
And, of course, giving
the Thanksgiving toast.
102
00:04:16,113 --> 00:04:18,213
Boy, yesterday I'm
microwaving a cat,
103
00:04:18,248 --> 00:04:19,848
today I'm giving
a speech.
104
00:04:19,883 --> 00:04:22,817
Things move fast
around here.
105
00:04:26,323 --> 00:04:28,656
Hi, do you have any turkeys?
106
00:04:28,692 --> 00:04:30,525
Sure do.
You're looking at one.
107
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,726
I'm sorry.
108
00:04:31,762 --> 00:04:34,129
You have to know me
to know I'm just joking.
109
00:04:34,164 --> 00:04:35,797
Sir, the day we've had,
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00:04:35,832 --> 00:04:38,767
we could use
a good chuckle like that.
111
00:04:38,802 --> 00:04:40,168
You folks are in luck.
112
00:04:40,203 --> 00:04:42,470
Looks like we have
one turkey left.
113
00:04:42,506 --> 00:04:43,772
Oh, thank God.
114
00:04:43,807 --> 00:04:44,906
Oh, you're telling me.
115
00:04:44,941 --> 00:04:46,541
We didn't come back
with a turkey,
116
00:04:46,576 --> 00:04:49,010
Lois would be madder than
that time she got a Capp smear.
117
00:04:49,045 --> 00:04:51,346
All right, we're just going
to take a quick Capp smear.
118
00:04:51,381 --> 00:04:53,047
Don't you mean
pap smear?
119
00:04:53,083 --> 00:04:55,283
No, at this hospital
we obtain the sample
120
00:04:55,318 --> 00:04:58,520
using beloved British comic
strip roustabout Andy Capp.
121
00:04:58,555 --> 00:05:00,755
'Ello, luv.
122
00:05:00,791 --> 00:05:02,023
Let's have a smear.
123
00:05:02,058 --> 00:05:03,591
I'm not letting
you do that.
124
00:05:03,627 --> 00:05:04,826
You can't even see.
125
00:05:04,861 --> 00:05:08,930
That's all right, bird.
I goes by smell.
126
00:05:11,835 --> 00:05:14,636
Brian, look,
an eight-foot basket.
127
00:05:14,671 --> 00:05:16,070
Let me just dunk
the turkey once.
128
00:05:16,106 --> 00:05:18,006
I know I can jam it.
129
00:05:20,243 --> 00:05:21,943
That's not
a regulation rim.
130
00:05:21,978 --> 00:05:23,711
Okay, you know what?
I'm in charge of the turkey.
131
00:05:23,747 --> 00:05:25,647
You're driving.
132
00:05:30,487 --> 00:05:31,986
This thing on?
133
00:05:32,022 --> 00:05:33,054
Yes.
134
00:05:33,089 --> 00:05:34,322
It's not making
any noise.
135
00:05:34,357 --> 00:05:35,924
It's a hybrid.
Trust me, it's on.
136
00:05:35,959 --> 00:05:37,192
No, it's not. See?
137
00:05:51,441 --> 00:05:53,475
Oh, my God!
138
00:06:06,957 --> 00:06:09,591
Not now! Not like this!
139
00:06:15,232 --> 00:06:16,965
Peter, what the hell?!
140
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,800
You chose
a turkey over me?!
141
00:06:18,835 --> 00:06:20,168
I almost died!
142
00:06:20,203 --> 00:06:23,905
I swear to God, I thought
dogs could breathe underwater.
143
00:06:29,019 --> 00:06:31,520
Great. The water completely
killed my phone.
144
00:06:31,555 --> 00:06:32,721
Oh, horrors.
145
00:06:32,756 --> 00:06:34,122
You have to spend
time with me
146
00:06:34,157 --> 00:06:35,557
without looking
at your phone.
147
00:06:35,592 --> 00:06:36,658
Here, give me yours.
148
00:06:36,693 --> 00:06:38,660
I threw mine
at a duck.
149
00:06:38,695 --> 00:06:40,495
Excuse me, can you help us?
150
00:06:40,531 --> 00:06:41,997
We're trying to get
back to Quahog.
151
00:06:42,032 --> 00:06:44,566
If you want, I can take you
as far as the bus station.
152
00:06:44,601 --> 00:06:46,201
You can?
Oh, thank you so much!
153
00:06:46,236 --> 00:06:48,637
Oh, that is the nicest thing
anyone's done for me
154
00:06:48,672 --> 00:06:51,640
since my kids gave me
that Father's Day gift.
155
00:06:51,675 --> 00:06:53,975
Oh, look, a tie.
Perfect.
156
00:06:57,180 --> 00:07:00,348
It's from all of us!
157
00:07:04,454 --> 00:07:06,021
All right, Chris,
acting as host
158
00:07:06,056 --> 00:07:08,123
will demand a higher
level of conversation.
159
00:07:08,158 --> 00:07:09,658
I suggest
as your opener--
160
00:07:09,693 --> 00:07:11,893
"Lois, everything
is delicious."
161
00:07:11,929 --> 00:07:13,862
Then that's
what I will say.
162
00:07:13,897 --> 00:07:15,730
Unless Slender Man
commands me
163
00:07:15,766 --> 00:07:17,265
to say something else.
164
00:07:17,301 --> 00:07:20,669
Ugh, this is gonna be
a bigger disaster than Y2-Gay.
165
00:07:20,704 --> 00:07:23,505
Three! Two! One!
166
00:07:23,540 --> 00:07:27,275
I hope my dad's
not watching ABC!
167
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,114
Oh, thank God
we got on this bus.
168
00:07:33,150 --> 00:07:34,616
I really had to poop.
169
00:07:34,651 --> 00:07:36,418
Wait, where is there
a bathroom on this bus?
170
00:07:36,453 --> 00:07:37,852
I didn't say there
was a bathroom,
171
00:07:37,888 --> 00:07:39,187
I just said
I had to poop.
172
00:07:39,222 --> 00:07:40,422
Oh, my God!
173
00:07:40,457 --> 00:07:42,657
This is gross
even for a bus!
174
00:07:45,896 --> 00:07:47,395
I don't know what
they were so mad about,
175
00:07:47,431 --> 00:07:48,930
I did it in
a Rite Aid bag.
176
00:07:48,966 --> 00:07:50,799
Damn it, Peter!
That was our only way home!
177
00:07:50,834 --> 00:07:53,134
Well, that's where
you're wrong, Brian.
178
00:07:53,170 --> 00:07:54,736
Free bus bike!
179
00:07:54,771 --> 00:07:57,205
Aw, crap, this
is a girl's bike.
180
00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:58,506
All right,
we'll ride it,
181
00:07:58,542 --> 00:08:00,475
but pray to God nobody
from school sees us.
182
00:08:00,510 --> 00:08:02,177
Nice bike, butt-munch!
183
00:08:02,212 --> 00:08:05,547
Shut up!
I'm telling Miss Baumbakis!
184
00:08:09,119 --> 00:08:10,452
Up next on Nickelodeon,
185
00:08:10,487 --> 00:08:13,355
Uncomfortably Hot
Eighteen-Year-Old Girls.
186
00:08:13,390 --> 00:08:15,290
Honey, where
are you off to?
187
00:08:15,325 --> 00:08:16,491
To the car wash
188
00:08:16,526 --> 00:08:18,259
to raise money for our
new soccer uniforms.
189
00:08:18,295 --> 00:08:20,261
Okay, have fun.
190
00:08:20,297 --> 00:08:22,497
Nickelodeon--
casually ask your daughter
191
00:08:22,532 --> 00:08:23,898
what that girl's name is,
192
00:08:23,934 --> 00:08:26,368
then take your laptop
into the bathroom.
193
00:08:29,406 --> 00:08:31,773
Uh, Mom! Daddy!
You're right on time!
194
00:08:31,808 --> 00:08:34,142
Happy Thanksgiving,
dear!
195
00:08:34,177 --> 00:08:35,543
We brought some wine,
196
00:08:35,579 --> 00:08:37,879
but it's good wine
so it's just or us.
197
00:08:39,116 --> 00:08:41,850
Damn it. Where the hell
are they with that turkey?
198
00:08:43,887 --> 00:08:45,954
Hi, you've reached Brian Griffin
199
00:08:45,989 --> 00:08:48,156
of The Write Stuff
writing classes...
200
00:08:48,191 --> 00:08:49,924
Oh, God.
201
00:08:52,963 --> 00:08:54,295
Come on,
keep pedaling.
202
00:08:54,331 --> 00:08:56,064
Dinner starts in an hour.
203
00:09:01,405 --> 00:09:02,804
Oh! Ow!
204
00:09:02,839 --> 00:09:03,872
Damn it, Peter!
205
00:09:03,907 --> 00:09:05,006
Oh, great.
206
00:09:05,042 --> 00:09:06,941
You broke the chain
and now we have to walk!
207
00:09:06,977 --> 00:09:08,943
Unless we hitchhike.
208
00:09:08,979 --> 00:09:11,146
Hitchhike? You know
how dangerous that is?
209
00:09:11,181 --> 00:09:12,647
Besides, we're in
the middle of nowhere.
210
00:09:12,683 --> 00:09:14,249
There aren't even
any cars around.
211
00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:15,750
There's one.
212
00:09:15,786 --> 00:09:18,319
Hey! Hey, stop!
Give us a ride!
213
00:09:18,355 --> 00:09:20,822
It's just me and my upright dog.
214
00:09:20,857 --> 00:09:23,758
We're obviously not weirdoes!
215
00:09:25,295 --> 00:09:26,494
See, Brian? Told ya.
216
00:09:26,530 --> 00:09:28,430
We're going to be home
in no time.
217
00:09:28,465 --> 00:09:29,465
Hi there, folks.
218
00:09:29,499 --> 00:09:31,466
Hand over the turkey.
What?!
219
00:09:31,501 --> 00:09:33,568
I can't go back to my wife
without a turkey!
220
00:09:33,603 --> 00:09:34,736
Oh, yeah?
221
00:09:34,771 --> 00:09:36,604
Bet that thing's
not even loaded.
222
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:40,241
You just used
your last bullet.
223
00:09:40,277 --> 00:09:42,711
Running on empty now.
224
00:09:42,746 --> 00:09:45,547
Brian, give him the turkey.
225
00:09:53,023 --> 00:09:55,957
Okay, buddy, you ready to
test out those hosting skills?
226
00:09:55,992 --> 00:09:58,426
Now go wow your guests
with conversation.
227
00:09:59,863 --> 00:10:01,262
Hi, Grandma.
228
00:10:01,298 --> 00:10:03,998
I got some down-there
hair now-- want to see?
229
00:10:04,034 --> 00:10:05,767
Uh, I-I...
230
00:10:05,802 --> 00:10:08,636
I should check if your mother
needs help in the kitchen.
231
00:10:08,672 --> 00:10:12,240
Sometimes I pluck them
because I deserve pain.
232
00:10:17,581 --> 00:10:19,614
Cut! No. Stop.
233
00:10:19,649 --> 00:10:21,116
I'm sorry! I panicked!
234
00:10:21,151 --> 00:10:23,284
It's all right. It's okay.
Don't worry, Chris.
235
00:10:23,320 --> 00:10:25,653
You can't always get things
right on the first try.
236
00:10:25,689 --> 00:10:28,490
Just look at Snoopy's
original happy dance.
237
00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:33,762
Hey, you having
a good time tonight?
238
00:10:35,632 --> 00:10:37,398
Oh, yeah.
239
00:10:41,538 --> 00:10:42,971
Can't believe
we got robbed.
240
00:10:43,006 --> 00:10:44,606
Yeah, but can we just
talk for a second
241
00:10:44,641 --> 00:10:47,509
about how brave I was when
we walked past that cemetery?
242
00:10:47,544 --> 00:10:50,211
Peter, do you not see that we
are completely screwed here?
243
00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:51,813
And it's all
thanks to you!
244
00:10:51,848 --> 00:10:54,315
You drove my car into a lake,
you almost let me drown,
245
00:10:54,351 --> 00:10:56,818
you got us thrown off a bus,
you broke our bike,
246
00:10:56,853 --> 00:10:58,386
and now you've gotten
our turkey stolen
247
00:10:58,421 --> 00:10:59,654
and Thanksgiving
is ruined
248
00:10:59,689 --> 00:11:00,955
and we don't have
any transportation
249
00:11:00,991 --> 00:11:02,657
and we're still
miles from home!
250
00:11:02,692 --> 00:11:05,093
You're starting to get
black gums like an older dog.
251
00:11:05,128 --> 00:11:07,088
You know what? You know what?
Maybe it's my fault.
252
00:11:07,097 --> 00:11:08,897
I forgot, I'm talking
to a complete idiot.
253
00:11:08,932 --> 00:11:10,365
You are so stupid!
254
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:11,400
Oh, yeah?
255
00:11:11,401 --> 00:11:12,834
Well, if I'm so stupid,
256
00:11:12,869 --> 00:11:15,537
then how did I manage to
frame you for eating the turkey?
257
00:11:15,572 --> 00:11:17,205
What?!
Yeah!
258
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,240
Didn't you notice you were
passed out in all those photos?
259
00:11:19,276 --> 00:11:20,341
You didn't eat any of it.
260
00:11:20,377 --> 00:11:21,776
I just posed you like that
261
00:11:21,812 --> 00:11:23,545
because I didn't want
to take all the blame.
262
00:11:23,580 --> 00:11:26,114
You son of a bitch!
How could you do that to me?
263
00:11:26,149 --> 00:11:27,315
You're a dog, Brian.
264
00:11:27,350 --> 00:11:29,083
I can throw you
off a bridge,
265
00:11:29,119 --> 00:11:31,719
and as long as I don't hit
a person on a boat, it's okay.
266
00:11:31,755 --> 00:11:33,288
Screw this. I am done!
267
00:11:33,323 --> 00:11:35,323
This isn't even my problem,
it's your problem.
268
00:11:35,358 --> 00:11:36,791
You know what, Peter?
269
00:11:36,827 --> 00:11:38,860
You've got no turkey,
and now you've got no friend.
270
00:11:38,895 --> 00:11:40,395
Good-bye!
271
00:11:40,430 --> 00:11:42,297
W-Wait-- Brian, wait!
272
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:47,735
♪ Now let's watch
a whole bunch of ads. ♪
273
00:11:51,153 --> 00:11:52,486
Nice Thanksgiving.
274
00:11:52,521 --> 00:11:54,821
I don't know why I ever listen
to that jerk.
275
00:11:54,857 --> 00:11:56,156
What?
276
00:11:56,191 --> 00:11:58,031
Home is this way;
we're both just walking home.
277
00:11:58,060 --> 00:11:59,393
Leave me alone!
278
00:11:59,428 --> 00:12:01,928
No way. We're a team, Brian,
whether you like it or not.
279
00:12:01,964 --> 00:12:03,130
Just like almond butter
280
00:12:03,165 --> 00:12:05,499
and no sugar added
fruit preserves.
281
00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:06,667
Who's hungry?
282
00:12:06,702 --> 00:12:08,468
We are!
283
00:12:08,504 --> 00:12:11,171
Hey, kids, would you like
a terrible healthy sandwich?
284
00:12:11,206 --> 00:12:12,472
No.
285
00:12:12,508 --> 00:12:15,042
Too bad, because
your recently divorced mom
286
00:12:15,077 --> 00:12:17,778
has a crush on her trainer,
and he eats like this,
287
00:12:17,813 --> 00:12:19,646
so now you have to, too.
288
00:12:19,682 --> 00:12:22,382
Almond butter and no sugar
added fruit preserves--
289
00:12:22,418 --> 00:12:23,850
just like PB and J,
290
00:12:23,886 --> 00:12:26,286
but with more
of your mom railing this guy.
291
00:12:26,322 --> 00:12:28,789
I named myself Kaya!
292
00:12:28,824 --> 00:12:30,223
We stopped being a team
293
00:12:30,259 --> 00:12:32,292
when you framed me for eating
that turkey with you.
294
00:12:32,328 --> 00:12:34,594
Brian, maybe you should be
a little less mad at me
295
00:12:34,630 --> 00:12:36,263
and a little more mad
at the guys
296
00:12:36,298 --> 00:12:37,798
growing mustaches
for this month.
297
00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:39,099
Hey, don't mock
Mo-vember.
298
00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,767
Last year, I raised
eight dollars
299
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:42,269
and got on
a BuzzFeed listicle.
300
00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,338
No! You use real words!
301
00:12:44,373 --> 00:12:46,773
Internet stuff
is not real words.
302
00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:48,842
Hey, look!
303
00:12:51,113 --> 00:12:52,245
There's our answer.
304
00:12:52,281 --> 00:12:54,247
We break into the zoo,
steal a turkey,
305
00:12:54,283 --> 00:12:55,916
bring it home, we're heroes.
306
00:12:56,952 --> 00:12:58,151
Peter, stop it!
307
00:12:58,187 --> 00:12:59,387
You're gonna
get yourself hurt.
308
00:12:59,421 --> 00:13:00,654
Sorry, can't hear you.
309
00:13:00,689 --> 00:13:02,389
Too busy saving
our family's Thanksgiving.
310
00:13:02,424 --> 00:13:04,157
Damn it.
311
00:13:04,193 --> 00:13:05,258
This is idiotic.
312
00:13:05,294 --> 00:13:06,860
You're never gonna find
a turkey in there.
313
00:13:06,895 --> 00:13:08,128
Oh, I'll find one.
314
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,496
I mean, you're
looking at the guy
315
00:13:09,531 --> 00:13:11,064
who found the
Fountain of Youth.
316
00:13:13,936 --> 00:13:17,304
It's very far
away from here!
317
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:23,777
Hey, Lois,
thanks for letting Kevin
318
00:13:23,812 --> 00:13:25,379
bring his girlfriend
this year.
319
00:13:25,414 --> 00:13:27,848
And I hope it's not awkward
that she's a little person
320
00:13:27,883 --> 00:13:29,649
and they viciously fight
all the time.
321
00:13:29,685 --> 00:13:32,352
Why do we have to spend every
holiday with your family?
322
00:13:32,388 --> 00:13:34,488
Shut up!
I'm a full-size person!
323
00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:35,889
I make the decisions!
324
00:13:35,924 --> 00:13:37,724
Don't you worry.
This'll quickly turn
325
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,093
into rough,
front-yard, makeup sex.
326
00:13:40,129 --> 00:13:42,896
All this fighting is
making me so damn hot.
327
00:13:46,402 --> 00:13:47,667
Oh, my God.
328
00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:50,170
It looks like he's
chalking a pool cue.
329
00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:51,338
Hey, scoot over.
330
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:52,739
As the oldest guy here,
331
00:13:52,775 --> 00:13:54,674
it's my duty to take
an open mouth nap
332
00:13:54,710 --> 00:13:56,009
in the middle of the room.
333
00:14:05,921 --> 00:14:07,287
God, look at my mom.
334
00:14:07,322 --> 00:14:09,022
Dinner should've been served
half an hour ago.
335
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:11,057
She's clearly stalling
for time.
336
00:14:11,093 --> 00:14:12,225
Okay, everybody.
337
00:14:12,261 --> 00:14:14,494
Dinner's gonna be ready
very soon.
338
00:14:14,530 --> 00:14:16,029
Uh, what?
339
00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,731
Um, oh, good.
340
00:14:17,766 --> 00:14:19,299
But before we get started,
341
00:14:19,334 --> 00:14:22,536
I thought we could all take
turns telling a long story
342
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:25,238
about how things aren't
the way they used to be.
343
00:14:25,274 --> 00:14:27,307
Daddy, would you care
to start?
344
00:14:27,342 --> 00:14:28,408
You bet I would.
345
00:14:28,444 --> 00:14:29,609
Too much candy!
346
00:14:29,645 --> 00:14:30,811
Too much candy?
347
00:14:30,846 --> 00:14:32,612
What do you mean,
too much candy?
348
00:14:32,648 --> 00:14:33,814
There's too much candy!
349
00:14:33,849 --> 00:14:35,449
There used to be four candies.
350
00:14:35,484 --> 00:14:38,151
Bulls-eyes, Yahoos,
Sweet Yarn and cigarettes.
351
00:14:38,187 --> 00:14:39,553
Now I go into a store,
352
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,121
I don't know whether
I'm coming or going!
353
00:14:41,156 --> 00:14:42,522
Is there anything else?
354
00:14:42,558 --> 00:14:45,225
Why don't ballplayers wear
giant woolen shirts anymore?
355
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:46,793
What's wrong with wool?
356
00:14:46,829 --> 00:14:48,161
It was a perfect fabric.
357
00:14:48,197 --> 00:14:50,397
You go to the ballpark,
get your bag of Bulls-eyes
358
00:14:50,432 --> 00:14:53,233
and watch Hack Wilson round
the bases in a big wool shirt.
359
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,735
I once saw Hack hit a ball
out of the infield.
360
00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:57,704
I still remember
the thud of the bat
361
00:14:57,739 --> 00:14:59,239
and the whoosh of the wool.
362
00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:02,676
I wish things were still heavy.
363
00:15:02,711 --> 00:15:04,211
Oh, the rails are
off this thing.
364
00:15:04,246 --> 00:15:06,079
All right, Chris,
this is where you, as host,
365
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:07,481
need to step in and...
366
00:15:07,516 --> 00:15:10,150
Chris? Chris?
367
00:15:11,420 --> 00:15:13,386
What the hell?
Are you drunk?
368
00:15:13,422 --> 00:15:15,155
I couldn't handle
the pressure, Stewie.
369
00:15:15,190 --> 00:15:18,458
We Irish,
we have a deep sadness.
370
00:15:18,494 --> 00:15:20,827
Oh, come on, get up!
They need you down there.
371
00:15:20,863 --> 00:15:24,998
♪ Too-Ra-loo-Ra-loo-ral. ♪
372
00:15:32,341 --> 00:15:33,707
All right, there they are.
373
00:15:33,742 --> 00:15:36,109
I'm going in and getting
us a turkey, Brian.
374
00:15:40,449 --> 00:15:42,916
Hey, buddy, you want
to come to my house
375
00:15:42,951 --> 00:15:45,218
so my wife can cook you wrong?
376
00:15:45,254 --> 00:15:46,953
Ah, damn it!
377
00:15:48,357 --> 00:15:50,123
Peter, this is never gonna work.
378
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:51,678
All right,
just leave the turkey alone.
379
00:15:51,693 --> 00:15:52,893
The poor thing is... Aah! Aah!
380
00:15:52,928 --> 00:15:54,194
What the hell?!
Knock it off!
381
00:15:54,229 --> 00:15:56,062
Ow! Damn it, I'm gonna
kill you, you dick!
382
00:15:56,098 --> 00:15:58,565
Quick, Brian,
it's getting away!
383
00:16:12,047 --> 00:16:14,681
Where'd he go?
384
00:16:16,285 --> 00:16:18,151
He's not in here.
385
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:20,020
Over there!
386
00:16:52,421 --> 00:16:53,753
Oh, crap.
387
00:16:53,789 --> 00:16:55,121
Easy there.
388
00:16:55,157 --> 00:16:57,123
Hey, it's Thanksgiving.
389
00:16:57,159 --> 00:16:58,592
Shouldn't you be in Detroit
390
00:16:58,627 --> 00:17:00,126
losing a football game
right now?
391
00:17:06,101 --> 00:17:07,867
Brian, up here!
392
00:17:13,775 --> 00:17:14,908
Oh, my God.
393
00:17:14,943 --> 00:17:16,876
Thank you, Peter.
Thank you so much!
394
00:17:16,912 --> 00:17:18,945
Hey, you're welcome, buddy.
395
00:17:18,981 --> 00:17:20,180
You...
396
00:17:20,215 --> 00:17:21,715
You saved my life.
397
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:22,916
Of course I did.
398
00:17:22,951 --> 00:17:24,618
You're my best friend.
399
00:17:24,653 --> 00:17:25,919
Hey, listen, I'm-I'm...
400
00:17:25,954 --> 00:17:27,954
I'm sorry I messed
everything up today.
401
00:17:27,990 --> 00:17:29,956
It's okay.
402
00:17:29,992 --> 00:17:31,992
I guess I've been
kind of a jerk, too.
403
00:17:32,027 --> 00:17:33,994
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
404
00:17:34,029 --> 00:17:35,495
Ah, I deserved it.
405
00:17:35,530 --> 00:17:38,064
I mean, for God's sake,
I sank your car in a lake.
406
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,533
And I broke
this guy's neck just now.
407
00:17:42,337 --> 00:17:43,503
Yeesh.
408
00:17:43,538 --> 00:17:45,839
But, hey, we cut the legs
off him and dye him brown,
409
00:17:45,874 --> 00:17:47,273
we got ourselves
a turkey, right?
410
00:17:47,309 --> 00:17:49,142
No. We've come this far.
411
00:17:49,177 --> 00:17:51,144
Let's do it right.
412
00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:56,716
Hey, you got a tiny head
and a big body.
413
00:17:56,752 --> 00:17:58,752
What if I switched that?
414
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,054
Gotcha!
415
00:18:01,089 --> 00:18:02,489
All right, we did it!
416
00:18:02,524 --> 00:18:03,757
We got ourselves a turkey.
417
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:04,991
Yeah, but what
time is it?
418
00:18:05,027 --> 00:18:06,667
I mean, dinner has to
have started by now.
419
00:18:06,695 --> 00:18:08,094
We're never gonna make
it home on foot.
420
00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:10,130
Maybe we don't have to.
421
00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:16,836
We're now arriving in Quahog.
422
00:18:16,872 --> 00:18:19,272
Up on the right are the people
with the awesome trampoline,
423
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,241
but they don't let me
on it no more,
424
00:18:21,276 --> 00:18:23,677
'cause I bounced a kid
onto the house.
425
00:18:25,380 --> 00:18:27,280
There were no
squeezable condiments.
426
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,748
Ketchup came in a can.
427
00:18:28,784 --> 00:18:31,785
And, Daddy, what about the pants
that kids today are wearing?
428
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,820
Are they properly sized?
429
00:18:33,855 --> 00:18:35,155
Are we gonna eat soon?
430
00:18:35,190 --> 00:18:36,389
I have an interesting factoid
431
00:18:36,425 --> 00:18:38,458
about what makes you
sleepy afterwards.
432
00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,493
Yeah, the hell with this.
I'm starving.
433
00:18:41,963 --> 00:18:44,931
Okay, I guess we should eat.
434
00:18:47,369 --> 00:18:49,369
Well, obviously
Peter's not here.
435
00:18:49,404 --> 00:18:51,638
So it's fallen to me
to take up the mantle.
436
00:18:51,673 --> 00:18:54,140
Now, I wasn't planning on
doing this today,
437
00:18:54,176 --> 00:18:57,777
but when I look around at all
of these open, loving faces
438
00:18:57,813 --> 00:18:59,412
or friends and family,
439
00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:01,915
I am comfortable enough
to finally say
440
00:19:01,950 --> 00:19:05,251
that I am a proud,
unashamed, active...
441
00:19:05,287 --> 00:19:08,388
Lois, we're home
and Thanksgiving is saved!
442
00:19:08,423 --> 00:19:09,689
Kidding!
443
00:19:09,725 --> 00:19:11,691
Oh, my God, where the
hell have you been?
444
00:19:11,727 --> 00:19:13,560
And what are you doing
with a live turkey?!
445
00:19:13,595 --> 00:19:16,329
A live turkey
who loves Rollerblading.
446
00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:19,999
Our dog drew that.
447
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,168
Peter, we can't eat
a live turkey.
448
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:24,771
Look, Lois, I still got time
to make this right.
449
00:19:24,806 --> 00:19:25,905
And I'm gonna.
450
00:19:25,941 --> 00:19:28,608
Hand me a nine iron
and show me to the backyard.
451
00:19:30,445 --> 00:19:33,513
Well, buddy, I guess this is it.
452
00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:46,526
Aah! Aah!
453
00:19:46,561 --> 00:19:48,628
Wow, I-I...
454
00:19:48,663 --> 00:19:50,630
I read that look wrong.
455
00:19:50,665 --> 00:19:52,432
Ah, geez, I'm sorry.
456
00:19:52,467 --> 00:19:54,067
I wish you didn't have to die,
457
00:19:54,102 --> 00:19:56,436
but a bunch of white people
put on sweaters.
458
00:20:01,877 --> 00:20:03,743
I couldn't do it.
What?
459
00:20:03,779 --> 00:20:05,111
I'm sorry, Lois.
460
00:20:05,147 --> 00:20:06,827
I know you wanted the
perfect Thanksgiving,
461
00:20:06,848 --> 00:20:08,782
and I know I screwed
that all up for you,
462
00:20:08,817 --> 00:20:10,416
but when you
think about it,
463
00:20:10,452 --> 00:20:13,019
isn't this holiday about
being with people you love?
464
00:20:13,054 --> 00:20:15,421
I mean, does it really matter
what we eat?
465
00:20:15,457 --> 00:20:17,390
What matters
is we're all together.
466
00:20:17,425 --> 00:20:19,592
Family and friends.
467
00:20:19,628 --> 00:20:21,795
And one new friend.
468
00:20:21,830 --> 00:20:24,330
Oh, Peter, that's beautiful.
469
00:20:24,366 --> 00:20:27,200
Lois, can the turkey please
join us for dinner?
470
00:20:27,235 --> 00:20:30,270
Not as the meal,
but as our guest?
471
00:20:30,305 --> 00:20:32,071
Of course he can.
472
00:20:32,107 --> 00:20:33,773
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
473
00:20:35,877 --> 00:20:38,778
The man of the house
474
00:20:38,814 --> 00:20:41,481
killed a turkey
for Thanksgiving!
475
00:20:42,851 --> 00:20:44,717
Well, looks like we're
having turkey after all.
476
00:20:46,161 --> 00:20:51,161
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
477
00:20:51,162 --> 00:20:53,322
Four years later, me and Lois
divorced and Stewie died.
478
00:20:54,881 --> 00:20:56,847
Gobble, gobble!