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00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:04,721
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,100 --> 00:00:08,419
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,470 --> 00:00:11,889
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,956 --> 00:00:14,842
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,926 --> 00:00:18,462
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,318 --> 00:00:24,702
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,770 --> 00:00:27,738
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:27,806 --> 00:00:31,806
♪ Family Guy 10x15 ♪
Burning Down the Bayit
Original Air Date on March 4, 2012
11
00:00:31,831 --> 00:00:35,831
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:36,531 --> 00:00:39,114
Oh, my God, Brian, I went
to a baby rave last night.
13
00:00:39,117 --> 00:00:40,217
Dropped a
Flintstones chewable.
14
00:00:40,285 --> 00:00:41,452
It was a purple Betty.
15
00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:42,653
I was flyin'!
16
00:00:42,721 --> 00:00:44,105
I was up till
like... like...
17
00:00:44,172 --> 00:00:45,639
I don't even
know how late.
18
00:00:45,707 --> 00:00:47,892
Like, when I came home,
The Mentalist was still on.
19
00:00:47,959 --> 00:00:48,993
Like, that's how late.
20
00:00:49,061 --> 00:00:50,411
Morning, family.
Anyone needs me,
21
00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:52,980
I'll be out in the yard
using my new riding mower.
22
00:00:53,048 --> 00:00:54,849
A riding mower?
For God's sakes,
23
00:00:54,916 --> 00:00:56,951
stop making all these
frivolous purchases.
24
00:00:57,018 --> 00:00:58,552
You just blew
all that money
25
00:00:58,620 --> 00:01:00,805
hiring that English-
to-raccoon translator.
26
00:01:05,944 --> 00:01:07,645
Don't need a translator
for that one.
27
00:01:07,712 --> 00:01:09,914
Tell him to come back when
he's ready to act like an adult.
28
00:01:14,252 --> 00:01:15,653
Hey, what's up, Quagmire?
29
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,521
Oh, there's the
sound of the birds.
30
00:01:17,589 --> 00:01:19,023
I thought they
all disappeared,
31
00:01:19,091 --> 00:01:20,958
because all I could
hear was a lawnmower.
32
00:01:21,026 --> 00:01:22,093
Oh, and what's that?
33
00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:23,427
The wind in the trees!
34
00:01:23,495 --> 00:01:24,695
Good-- that
still exists.
35
00:01:24,763 --> 00:01:26,464
What are you doing there,
planting some flowers?
36
00:01:26,531 --> 00:01:28,599
Hey, look, why don't you
go bother Joe, huh?
37
00:01:28,667 --> 00:01:30,334
I can't. He's in Vegas
for the weekend,
38
00:01:30,402 --> 00:01:32,369
seeing that handicapped
Cher impersonator.
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00:01:32,437 --> 00:01:36,640
♪ If I could turn back time ♪
40
00:01:36,708 --> 00:01:40,394
♪ If I could find a way... ♪
41
00:01:40,462 --> 00:01:43,230
Yeah! We all want
to turn back time!
42
00:01:43,315 --> 00:01:46,217
This is the biggest
sitting ovation I've ever seen!
43
00:01:49,187 --> 00:01:51,021
Damn it, where the hell
did I put that?
44
00:01:51,089 --> 00:01:52,306
What are you
looking for, Brian?
45
00:01:52,374 --> 00:01:54,058
That steak bone you
gave me last night.
46
00:01:54,126 --> 00:01:56,160
I can't remember what
the hell I did with it.
47
00:01:56,228 --> 00:01:57,511
Didn't you
bring it outside?
48
00:02:02,150 --> 00:02:03,884
Holy crap! Quagmire,
you all right?
49
00:02:03,952 --> 00:02:05,319
No, I'm not all right!
50
00:02:05,387 --> 00:02:07,188
My head's gushing
blood, you idiot!
51
00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:08,522
Take your hand away.
52
00:02:08,590 --> 00:02:11,625
Oh, boy! All right,
hold still, Quagmire.
53
00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:14,475
Oh, my God, a piece
of your brain came out!
54
00:02:14,479 --> 00:02:15,830
Aah! Well, that
can't be good!
55
00:02:15,897 --> 00:02:17,298
Well, maybe
it's not so bad.
56
00:02:17,365 --> 00:02:19,250
I can feed it
to my pet zombie.
57
00:02:19,317 --> 00:02:20,751
Here you go.
58
00:02:20,819 --> 00:02:22,653
Yeah, you're hungry,
aren't ya?
59
00:02:22,721 --> 00:02:24,004
He was a rescue.
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00:02:24,072 --> 00:02:26,674
When I found him,
he was just walking face-first
61
00:02:26,741 --> 00:02:28,375
into a chain-link fence
downtown.
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00:02:32,447 --> 00:02:34,231
All right, almost
done here, Glenn.
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00:02:34,299 --> 00:02:36,167
There we are,
all finished.
64
00:02:36,234 --> 00:02:37,935
Well, look at this.
65
00:02:38,003 --> 00:02:39,803
Look what happened.
66
00:02:39,871 --> 00:02:42,275
Well, by the laws of
comedy, you and I have
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00:02:42,276 --> 00:02:43,453
to be roommates now.
68
00:02:43,458 --> 00:02:45,576
That's hilarious, Doc.
All right, here we go.
69
00:02:45,644 --> 00:02:48,062
Now, I'm going to prescribe
a course of antibiotics
70
00:02:48,129 --> 00:02:50,614
and some painkillers and...
71
00:02:50,682 --> 00:02:52,016
Hey, Elmer.
72
00:02:52,083 --> 00:02:54,185
Hey.
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00:02:54,252 --> 00:02:55,786
She sucks.
74
00:02:59,674 --> 00:03:01,358
Okay, Quagmire, before
we get your prescription,
75
00:03:01,426 --> 00:03:02,593
let's grab some bandages.
76
00:03:02,661 --> 00:03:04,461
God, this is such
an East Coast pharmacy.
77
00:03:04,529 --> 00:03:06,809
How are we gonna find
gauze and bandages in the
78
00:03:06,834 --> 00:03:07,998
middle of all this crap?
79
00:03:07,999 --> 00:03:10,022
Uh, I think he keeps them
next to the thousand-piece
80
00:03:10,047 --> 00:03:11,247
puzzle of a lobster trap.
81
00:03:11,303 --> 00:03:13,704
I don't see it. You mean,
next to the Kadima paddles,
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00:03:13,772 --> 00:03:16,507
or next to the basic black
sweatshirt with no writing on it?
83
00:03:16,575 --> 00:03:18,071
No, I think they're over
there between the rain
84
00:03:18,096 --> 00:03:19,677
ponchos and the cap guns
85
00:03:19,678 --> 00:03:21,378
and just below the
balsa wood gliders
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00:03:21,446 --> 00:03:24,048
and the net-bag of flip-flops
and a beach pail.
87
00:03:24,115 --> 00:03:25,261
Above the set of jacks?
88
00:03:25,286 --> 00:03:28,219
Yes, above the jacks and the
bicentennial playing cards
89
00:03:28,220 --> 00:03:30,654
and across from the giant
cage with the beach balls,
90
00:03:30,722 --> 00:03:33,190
next to the Wiffle ball bats
and the spark-spitting cars.
91
00:03:33,258 --> 00:03:36,126
I don't... Oh, next to the
wax bottles of weird juice.
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00:03:36,194 --> 00:03:39,163
Yes, behind the plastic bag of
Mexican soldiers from the Alamo
93
00:03:39,231 --> 00:03:40,931
and the Super Elastic
Bubble Plastic.
94
00:03:40,999 --> 00:03:42,366
Oh, yeah, I got 'em.
95
00:03:42,434 --> 00:03:43,701
Hey, Mort.
How's it going?
96
00:03:43,768 --> 00:03:45,185
Oh, it's awful, Peter!
97
00:03:45,253 --> 00:03:46,086
Why? What's the matter?
98
00:03:46,154 --> 00:03:47,555
The pharmacy's going under.
99
00:03:47,622 --> 00:03:49,390
I can barely pay my bills.
100
00:03:49,457 --> 00:03:51,759
I can't even afford
the real pharmacy music.
101
00:03:51,826 --> 00:03:54,078
That's just me up there. Listen.
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00:03:54,145 --> 00:03:56,073
♪ If this is it, ooh, wah,
103
00:03:56,098 --> 00:03:58,339
please let me know ♪
104
00:03:58,850 --> 00:04:02,586
♪ If this ain't love,
you better just say so ♪
105
00:04:02,654 --> 00:04:04,088
♪ If this is it... ♪
106
00:04:04,155 --> 00:04:06,423
They say I've got
Jewish honey in my voice.
107
00:04:06,491 --> 00:04:08,092
Jewish honey is mucus.
108
00:04:08,159 --> 00:04:09,643
But I thought you made
a lot of money here.
109
00:04:09,711 --> 00:04:11,812
I used to,
but it's all gone downhill
110
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,414
since Muriel died.
111
00:04:13,481 --> 00:04:15,583
She could get away
with overcharging people,
112
00:04:15,667 --> 00:04:18,102
because they were always
mentally undressing her
113
00:04:18,169 --> 00:04:19,536
and then re-dressing her
114
00:04:19,604 --> 00:04:21,839
once they saw
the horrible mess underneath.
115
00:04:21,906 --> 00:04:24,575
But in that interval,
she robbed them blind.
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00:04:27,479 --> 00:04:28,846
Ooh.
117
00:04:28,913 --> 00:04:30,080
Well, look, uh,
I don't know,
118
00:04:30,148 --> 00:04:31,315
maybe there's
something we can do
119
00:04:31,383 --> 00:04:32,783
to help you drum up
some business.
120
00:04:32,851 --> 00:04:33,884
You know, get
the word out.
121
00:04:33,952 --> 00:04:35,019
Like what?
122
00:04:35,086 --> 00:04:37,271
Hey, you just
leave that to us.
123
00:04:42,544 --> 00:04:45,446
♪ ♪
124
00:04:53,755 --> 00:04:55,706
Is opening and closing
the cash register
125
00:04:55,774 --> 00:04:57,641
a bunch of times
helping business yet?
126
00:04:57,709 --> 00:04:59,510
No.
Okay, then we'll do other stuff.
127
00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:03,180
Okay, Mort, now, if you
want to get more customers
128
00:05:03,248 --> 00:05:05,115
in your pharmacy, you're
gonna have to do a promotion,
129
00:05:05,183 --> 00:05:07,151
like... like
"buy one, get one free."
130
00:05:07,218 --> 00:05:09,153
What?
Buy one, get one free.
131
00:05:09,220 --> 00:05:10,454
Huh?
Buy one...
132
00:05:10,522 --> 00:05:12,256
Yeah, I get that.
Get one free.
133
00:05:12,324 --> 00:05:14,491
Is that, like, a Spanish word?
No, it's English.
134
00:05:14,559 --> 00:05:15,630
The whole thing's English.
135
00:05:15,655 --> 00:05:17,193
Oh, 'cause it seems
like you're saying
136
00:05:17,195 --> 00:05:19,930
the first part in English
and then some kind of made-up
137
00:05:19,981 --> 00:05:21,849
pha-lumpf-phalumpf
or something in the second part.
138
00:05:21,916 --> 00:05:23,203
I don't understand you.
139
00:05:23,228 --> 00:05:25,168
All right, let me try
explaining it another way.
140
00:05:25,170 --> 00:05:26,870
Let's say we're at
someone else's store,
141
00:05:26,938 --> 00:05:29,640
and there's a sign, and it says:
"Buy one, get one free."
142
00:05:29,708 --> 00:05:31,175
Get one free? Wow!
143
00:05:31,242 --> 00:05:33,010
What store are
you talking about?
144
00:05:36,464 --> 00:05:39,266
Excuse me, I have been
waiting for my prescription
145
00:05:39,334 --> 00:05:40,768
for 25 minutes!
146
00:05:40,835 --> 00:05:42,670
Oh, I'm really sorry,
Ms. Dumott.
147
00:05:42,737 --> 00:05:45,005
We'll have that filled
for you right away.
148
00:05:45,073 --> 00:05:47,374
Guys, what the hell's
going on back there?
149
00:05:47,442 --> 00:05:50,394
Remember, each pill has
to go into the correct bottle.
150
00:05:54,015 --> 00:05:56,633
Eh, this ain't so hard.
151
00:06:14,986 --> 00:06:18,088
I...
I got a wicked boner.
152
00:06:23,044 --> 00:06:24,344
This was a great
idea, Peter.
153
00:06:24,429 --> 00:06:25,713
We fly this thing
over Providence,
154
00:06:25,797 --> 00:06:27,497
it's bound to get people
into the pharmacy.
155
00:06:27,549 --> 00:06:29,099
That's right, bring
in the city folk
156
00:06:29,167 --> 00:06:31,168
with their big money
and their long cigarettes
157
00:06:31,219 --> 00:06:33,053
and their dogs with shoes.
158
00:06:33,138 --> 00:06:34,192
Hey, check it out--
159
00:06:34,217 --> 00:06:36,314
we got a giggity over
there on the 32nd floor.
160
00:06:36,507 --> 00:06:38,559
I'm gonna go in
for a closer look.
161
00:06:39,861 --> 00:06:42,613
Heh-heh, all right!
162
00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,514
Quagmire, look out!
163
00:06:44,566 --> 00:06:45,816
Oh, no!
164
00:06:49,154 --> 00:06:50,821
Geez, that was a close one!
165
00:06:50,872 --> 00:06:52,423
Yeah, but at least
nobody got hurt.
166
00:07:03,401 --> 00:07:05,369
Goldman's Pharmacy!
167
00:07:05,437 --> 00:07:09,540
Now, that could be a good place
to get new shoes for my dog.
168
00:07:15,079 --> 00:07:16,313
Good evening, Quahog.
169
00:07:16,381 --> 00:07:18,582
Grim details continue
to roll in at this hour
170
00:07:18,650 --> 00:07:20,984
in the story of the detached
airplane advertising banner
171
00:07:21,052 --> 00:07:23,754
which caused a school bus to
plummet into the Pawtuxet River.
172
00:07:23,822 --> 00:07:24,955
That's right, Joyce.
173
00:07:25,023 --> 00:07:26,824
Quahog's own Goldman's Pharmacy
174
00:07:26,891 --> 00:07:28,558
made headlines
across the country
175
00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:32,362
after a banner of theirs caused
the bus to drive off a bridge,
176
00:07:32,413 --> 00:07:34,448
tragically killing
all the teenagers on board.
177
00:07:34,532 --> 00:07:36,533
Many of the students
tweeted about the accident
178
00:07:36,584 --> 00:07:37,835
as it was happening.
179
00:07:37,902 --> 00:07:39,086
We have a few here.
180
00:07:39,170 --> 00:07:40,954
From @Jenny94:
181
00:07:41,039 --> 00:07:43,474
"Water seriously cold, yo."
182
00:07:43,541 --> 00:07:46,193
Here's @TheTed69:
183
00:07:46,261 --> 00:07:49,379
"I'm gonna survive this.
LOL jk."
184
00:07:49,447 --> 00:07:51,114
"Jk," indeed.
185
00:07:51,182 --> 00:07:52,716
Oh, God, I'm ruined!
186
00:07:52,784 --> 00:07:55,185
Nobody's ever gonna shop
in my pharmacy again!
187
00:07:55,253 --> 00:07:56,553
I'm gonna lose
everything!
188
00:07:56,621 --> 00:07:58,422
Aw, gosh, Mort,
I feel terrible about this.
189
00:07:58,490 --> 00:08:00,808
I wish there was
some way we could fix it.
190
00:08:00,875 --> 00:08:03,076
You know, my cousin
had the same problem,
191
00:08:03,144 --> 00:08:06,029
but he lucked out, 'cause his
business burned to the ground.
192
00:08:06,097 --> 00:08:08,465
The insurance made him
a very rich man.
193
00:08:08,533 --> 00:08:10,734
Too bad we can't
just torch the pharmacy.
194
00:08:10,802 --> 00:08:12,469
Aw, come on, no,
we can't do that.
195
00:08:12,537 --> 00:08:14,238
That'd be like stealing
from the insurance companies.
196
00:08:14,305 --> 00:08:15,305
It wouldn't be right.
197
00:08:15,373 --> 00:08:16,540
Aw, they're bastards.
198
00:08:16,608 --> 00:08:19,076
Last year, after I lost
my beloved Muriel,
199
00:08:19,143 --> 00:08:22,513
our life insurance company
refused to pay on her policy.
200
00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:24,982
They took what should have been
a pleasant experience
201
00:08:25,049 --> 00:08:26,817
and made it into an ordeal!
202
00:08:26,885 --> 00:08:28,385
Well, that doesn't
totally surprise me.
203
00:08:28,453 --> 00:08:30,487
A friend of mine
staying in my house
204
00:08:30,555 --> 00:08:32,189
got, um, injured,
205
00:08:32,257 --> 00:08:35,259
and my homeowner's insurance
wouldn't pay her doctor bills.
206
00:08:35,326 --> 00:08:39,162
Said the policy didn't cover
an "act of rod."
207
00:08:39,230 --> 00:08:41,331
Yeah, come to think of it,
they wouldn't even pay
208
00:08:41,399 --> 00:08:43,567
for the fetus Lois lost
when we went to visit
209
00:08:43,635 --> 00:08:45,969
the Museum of Staircases
and Spring-loaded Boxing Gloves.
210
00:08:46,037 --> 00:08:48,238
Yeah, you know, they don't seem
to pay out on anything.
211
00:08:48,306 --> 00:08:50,307
No, not at all, right?
Yeah, that's true, they don't pay.
212
00:08:50,375 --> 00:08:52,242
Well, then I say,
screw the bastards!
213
00:08:52,310 --> 00:08:53,777
Let's burn
the place down!
214
00:08:53,845 --> 00:08:56,213
What?! Peter, we're talking
about a major crime here.
215
00:08:56,281 --> 00:08:59,166
This is not smuggling Oriental
women into the country in steel cans.
216
00:08:59,234 --> 00:09:00,701
This is a serious felony.
217
00:09:00,768 --> 00:09:02,402
Quagmire, this whole
mess was our fault.
218
00:09:02,470 --> 00:09:03,837
We got to make it right.
219
00:09:03,905 --> 00:09:05,739
And, look, as long
as nobody sees us,
220
00:09:05,807 --> 00:09:08,191
and we don't tell anybody,
then we're in the clear.
221
00:09:08,259 --> 00:09:11,028
Well, I guess I did kind of
destroy your business, Mort.
222
00:09:11,095 --> 00:09:13,230
All right, then let's do it--
tomorrow night!
223
00:09:13,298 --> 00:09:15,375
Good. I'm just gonna
have to reschedule my
224
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:17,094
weekly re-circumcision.
225
00:09:17,302 --> 00:09:19,436
So, what are we doing today,
a little off the top?
226
00:09:19,504 --> 00:09:20,787
Yeah, but leave
a little up front
227
00:09:20,855 --> 00:09:22,472
so I have something to play with.
Sounds good.
228
00:09:22,540 --> 00:09:24,057
And take a look
at the back.
229
00:09:24,125 --> 00:09:25,192
You see that there?
Yeah.
230
00:09:25,260 --> 00:09:26,693
Yeah, let's trim that.
I don't know when
231
00:09:26,761 --> 00:09:28,061
that started, but
let's get rid of that.
232
00:09:31,266 --> 00:09:32,666
Okay, guys, listen up.
233
00:09:32,734 --> 00:09:34,468
This is a very
flammable mixture
234
00:09:34,535 --> 00:09:36,003
that's also
undetectable.
235
00:09:36,070 --> 00:09:39,072
If we put it on the electric box
and two of the outlets,
236
00:09:39,140 --> 00:09:42,459
then light them all at once,
it'll look like a short circuit.
237
00:09:42,527 --> 00:09:44,661
Geez, Mort, how the hell do
you know how to do all this?
238
00:09:44,729 --> 00:09:46,430
Oh, it's all covered in
the Torah.
239
00:09:46,497 --> 00:09:48,665
Right after the chapter on
writing complaint letters
240
00:09:48,733 --> 00:09:51,201
that will result in
compensatory merchandise.
241
00:09:51,269 --> 00:09:53,503
Dear stuffed shirts
at Ritz Crackers.
242
00:09:53,571 --> 00:09:56,607
A chain is only as strong
as its weakest link.
243
00:09:56,674 --> 00:09:59,660
Just as a box of crackers
is only as appealing
244
00:09:59,727 --> 00:10:01,945
as its least intact sleeve.
245
00:10:02,013 --> 00:10:04,247
I am paying
for fully formed crackers,
246
00:10:04,315 --> 00:10:05,983
not butter crumbles.
247
00:10:06,050 --> 00:10:08,251
I don't buy your product
with broken quarters;
248
00:10:08,319 --> 00:10:10,687
don't stick me
with broken pieces of cracker,
249
00:10:10,755 --> 00:10:12,356
you miserable dicks!
250
00:10:12,423 --> 00:10:14,725
Regards, Mort Goldman again.
251
00:10:23,084 --> 00:10:26,003
All right, let's get to work.
252
00:10:26,070 --> 00:10:28,005
♪ ♪
253
00:10:45,256 --> 00:10:46,807
Oh, my God, we did it!
254
00:10:46,874 --> 00:10:48,625
Hey, Peter, what
are you gonna tell Lois
255
00:10:48,693 --> 00:10:50,110
when she asks
where you were tonight?
256
00:10:50,178 --> 00:10:51,912
Don't worry, I got
it all covered.
257
00:10:56,034 --> 00:10:58,368
Ha-ha!
This is awesome!
258
00:10:58,436 --> 00:11:00,537
And Peter has no idea!
259
00:11:08,272 --> 00:11:10,556
Well, Mr. Goldman,
we've ruled out foul play.
260
00:11:10,624 --> 00:11:13,076
It looks like it was just
a case of faulty wiring.
261
00:11:13,143 --> 00:11:14,911
Well, you're still gonna
have to buy something.
262
00:11:14,979 --> 00:11:16,813
This is rubble,
not a library.
263
00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:19,415
Okay, well...
I'm sorry for your loss,
264
00:11:19,483 --> 00:11:21,017
but the good news is
your insurance
265
00:11:21,085 --> 00:11:23,502
will be covering
all of your damages.
266
00:11:23,554 --> 00:11:26,255
You hear what he said, fellas?
Looks like we pulled it off.
267
00:11:26,323 --> 00:11:27,657
Yeah, for now.
268
00:11:27,725 --> 00:11:28,891
I still got a
bad feeling.
269
00:11:28,959 --> 00:11:30,560
He's gonna find something,
I just know it.
270
00:11:30,627 --> 00:11:32,762
Will you relax?
We got an ironclad alibi.
271
00:11:32,830 --> 00:11:35,531
We were all seeing The Beatles
live at The Ed Sullivan Show.
272
00:11:40,954 --> 00:11:42,722
Sorry. I rode a bike here.
273
00:11:45,993 --> 00:11:48,861
All right, guys, all we got
to do now is keep a low profile
274
00:11:48,929 --> 00:11:50,897
and not mention a word
of this to anybody.
275
00:11:50,964 --> 00:11:52,398
Not even the police.
276
00:11:52,466 --> 00:11:53,900
That's right,
not a word to anyone.
277
00:11:53,967 --> 00:11:56,535
Nobody.
Lips are sealed.
278
00:11:56,587 --> 00:11:58,521
I want to tell somebody.
279
00:11:58,589 --> 00:12:00,023
Peter!
You shut your mouth!
280
00:12:00,090 --> 00:12:02,241
Hey, Mort, I, uh,
was really sorry
281
00:12:02,309 --> 00:12:03,409
to hear about
the pharmacy.
282
00:12:03,477 --> 00:12:04,977
Oh, thank you, Joe.
283
00:12:05,045 --> 00:12:06,779
I was very,
very sorry, too.
284
00:12:09,149 --> 00:12:10,400
Yeah, he seemed pretty smart.
285
00:12:10,467 --> 00:12:12,869
His shirt was tucked in,
so I bet he went to Harvard.
286
00:12:12,936 --> 00:12:14,303
Well, you're my
friend, Mort.
287
00:12:14,371 --> 00:12:16,406
I want you to know that
I'm going to personally
288
00:12:16,473 --> 00:12:17,707
go over all
the evidence.
289
00:12:17,775 --> 00:12:19,208
I'd hate to think
there's someone in town
290
00:12:19,276 --> 00:12:20,343
who's out to get you.
291
00:12:20,411 --> 00:12:21,944
Hey, Joe, they said
it was an accident.
292
00:12:22,012 --> 00:12:23,529
Roll away.
No, I'm just saying,
293
00:12:23,597 --> 00:12:25,198
as your friend, I
wouldn't feel right
294
00:12:25,265 --> 00:12:26,999
unless I left no
stone unturned.
295
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:28,701
Geez, Joe, let it go.
296
00:12:28,769 --> 00:12:31,437
Yeah, Joe, even Robocop
took a day off once in a while.
297
00:12:36,110 --> 00:12:37,110
Nope.
298
00:12:41,715 --> 00:12:44,217
I don't like Joe sticking
his nose into this.
299
00:12:44,284 --> 00:12:45,785
Maybe this was all
a big mistake.
300
00:12:45,853 --> 00:12:47,136
You're damn right it was.
301
00:12:47,221 --> 00:12:48,855
Why did I ever
agree to do this?
302
00:12:48,922 --> 00:12:50,173
This isn't who I am.
303
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:52,375
I looked in the mirror
this morning, and it was like
304
00:12:52,443 --> 00:12:54,427
I was looking at a man
I'd never seen before.
305
00:12:54,495 --> 00:12:55,962
Hi.
306
00:12:56,029 --> 00:12:57,780
Scott Bakula.
307
00:12:57,848 --> 00:12:59,015
Just take it easy, Quagmire.
308
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:00,416
There's nothing to worry about.
309
00:13:00,484 --> 00:13:02,085
Hey, it's Joe, open up.
310
00:13:04,204 --> 00:13:05,638
Uh, hey, Joe.
311
00:13:05,706 --> 00:13:06,706
What's going on?
312
00:13:06,774 --> 00:13:08,324
Oh, hey, I forgot,
I brought you guys
313
00:13:08,392 --> 00:13:10,276
souvenirs from
my trip to Vegas.
314
00:13:10,344 --> 00:13:14,280
They're T-shirts that say
"I lost my shirt in Lost Wages."
315
00:13:26,093 --> 00:13:28,077
I think maybe
you should keep them.
316
00:13:28,145 --> 00:13:29,662
All right,
I'll see you guys later.
317
00:13:29,730 --> 00:13:32,715
I got to go see the forensics
team about the pharmacy.
318
00:13:32,783 --> 00:13:34,734
Don't you worry, Mort.
319
00:13:34,802 --> 00:13:37,436
We'll get to the bottom of this.
320
00:13:37,504 --> 00:13:38,771
I don't like
this, you guys.
321
00:13:38,839 --> 00:13:39,989
This is bad.
322
00:13:40,057 --> 00:13:41,841
Joe's gonna find out,
I just know it.
323
00:13:41,909 --> 00:13:43,309
Geez, Quagmire,
you need to relax.
324
00:13:43,377 --> 00:13:44,811
And I know
how to help.
325
00:13:44,878 --> 00:13:46,846
Calgon,
take him away.
326
00:13:54,171 --> 00:13:55,788
This is
worse, Peter!
327
00:13:55,856 --> 00:13:58,157
Relax, this is supposed
to be your time.
328
00:13:58,225 --> 00:14:00,326
This is the right way to
deal with your problems.
329
00:14:03,897 --> 00:14:05,832
All right, guys,
if Joe really is nosing around,
330
00:14:05,899 --> 00:14:09,068
I think I know how to get him
off the case once and for all.
331
00:14:10,287 --> 00:14:11,454
Hello?
332
00:14:11,522 --> 00:14:13,523
Officer Swanson,
this is the chief of police.
333
00:14:13,590 --> 00:14:14,924
I'm afraid
you're fired.
334
00:14:14,992 --> 00:14:17,393
I see. Well,
that's too bad.
335
00:14:17,461 --> 00:14:18,828
I was looking forward
336
00:14:18,896 --> 00:14:21,164
to giving you
your birthday present next week.
337
00:14:21,231 --> 00:14:22,665
Oh.
338
00:14:22,733 --> 00:14:23,950
Apparently,
there was a mistake.
339
00:14:24,017 --> 00:14:25,284
Forget I called.
340
00:14:25,352 --> 00:14:27,703
Guys, I got to become chief
of police by next week.
341
00:14:30,123 --> 00:14:33,192
Chief, this just came in
for you from Officer Swanson.
342
00:14:34,511 --> 00:14:37,046
A Starbucks gift card?!
343
00:14:37,114 --> 00:14:39,432
This has been
an unproductive use of my time.
344
00:14:41,635 --> 00:14:43,102
Okay, I got it.
345
00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:45,104
Joe can't investigate
if he's distracted, right?
346
00:14:45,172 --> 00:14:48,591
Well, what's more distracting
than texts about dinner plans?
347
00:14:48,659 --> 00:14:51,360
Hmm. These burn ignition
patterns aren't consistent
348
00:14:51,428 --> 00:14:53,329
with an electrical fire.
349
00:14:55,432 --> 00:14:57,533
"Would... love to."
350
00:14:59,786 --> 00:15:05,524
"Probably...
about 7:00... or 7:30."
351
00:15:09,179 --> 00:15:11,113
"Any... of...
352
00:15:11,181 --> 00:15:14,016
those places would be... fine."
353
00:15:15,886 --> 00:15:18,187
God! No way!
354
00:15:18,255 --> 00:15:20,172
"I don't know
355
00:15:20,240 --> 00:15:23,492
"Probably just
a collared shirt
356
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,511
"and jeans.
357
00:15:25,578 --> 00:15:27,680
"Have you never been
358
00:15:27,747 --> 00:15:31,500
to... a restaurant before?"
359
00:15:31,568 --> 00:15:32,868
Oh, he's getting annoyed.
Look at that.
360
00:15:32,936 --> 00:15:35,421
He sure is. Okay, now
tell him you want a vegan place.
361
00:15:36,924 --> 00:15:38,557
Oh, my God,
he's so pissed, he's calling.
362
00:15:38,625 --> 00:15:39,959
Well, answer it.
No, no, no.
363
00:15:40,027 --> 00:15:41,994
I'm gonna send it to voicemail,
then call him back,
364
00:15:42,062 --> 00:15:43,879
but pocket-dial him
while I walk a few blocks.
365
00:15:43,947 --> 00:15:45,781
JOE (muffled,
Peter?
366
00:15:45,866 --> 00:15:47,783
Peter? Hello?
367
00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:50,069
I'm getting
very little work done!
368
00:15:53,690 --> 00:15:55,591
You guys, I just can't
take this anymore.
369
00:15:55,659 --> 00:15:57,460
I've been giving it
a lot of thought,
370
00:15:57,527 --> 00:15:59,495
and I think
we all just need to confess.
371
00:15:59,563 --> 00:16:00,930
What? Now just
hold on, Quagmire.
372
00:16:00,998 --> 00:16:02,632
If you start yapping
to the cops,
373
00:16:02,699 --> 00:16:05,034
we're gonna rot in prison
for the next 30 years.
374
00:16:05,102 --> 00:16:06,202
Evening, gentlemen.
375
00:16:06,270 --> 00:16:07,720
Joe!
376
00:16:07,788 --> 00:16:09,021
Glad I found
you here.
377
00:16:09,089 --> 00:16:11,223
I had a question
for you guys.
378
00:16:11,291 --> 00:16:13,376
Did any of you happen
to be at Mort's pharmacy
379
00:16:13,443 --> 00:16:14,844
on the night of the fire?
380
00:16:14,911 --> 00:16:16,112
No.
None of us were.
381
00:16:16,179 --> 00:16:18,214
I'm triplets. Could have
been one of my triplets.
382
00:16:18,282 --> 00:16:20,283
I see. Well, then
it's kind of peculiar
383
00:16:20,350 --> 00:16:21,817
that I would
find this.
384
00:16:21,885 --> 00:16:23,686
A pocket-dial
voicemail from Peter
385
00:16:23,754 --> 00:16:25,454
on the night
of the fire.
386
00:16:25,522 --> 00:16:28,557
Oh, my God, look at that fire
we started, Quagmire and Mort.
387
00:16:28,625 --> 00:16:30,559
You know
who I don't miss is Joe.
388
00:16:30,627 --> 00:16:33,062
That's a piece of evidence
that hurts all of us.
389
00:16:33,130 --> 00:16:35,998
You three are under arrest for
burning down Goldman's Pharmacy.
390
00:16:36,066 --> 00:16:39,302
Well, the pocket-dial giveth,
and the pocket-dial taketh away.
391
00:16:39,369 --> 00:16:40,936
You'll never take me alive!
392
00:16:41,004 --> 00:16:42,705
Aren't you gonna run?
393
00:16:42,773 --> 00:16:45,875
I would, but I don't want
my gym teacher to laugh at me.
394
00:16:45,942 --> 00:16:48,361
He's been following me around
since junior high.
395
00:16:48,428 --> 00:16:50,463
Watch this.
Watch this Jewish kid run.
396
00:16:56,965 --> 00:16:58,966
First, I have to read you
the Miranda rights
397
00:16:59,034 --> 00:17:00,434
for Jewish people.
398
00:17:00,502 --> 00:17:03,003
You have the right to remain
silent, even though you won't.
399
00:17:03,071 --> 00:17:05,840
You have the right to infer an
insult where none was intended.
400
00:17:05,907 --> 00:17:07,374
What's that
supposed to mean?
401
00:17:07,442 --> 00:17:10,194
You have the right to a lawyer,
who you are probably related to.
402
00:17:10,262 --> 00:17:11,562
This interview
is over.
403
00:17:13,231 --> 00:17:15,132
What were you dointhe night
of March 8th?
404
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,600
your mother.
405
00:17:16,668 --> 00:17:17,968
Come on, man,
that's not cool.
406
00:17:18,036 --> 00:17:20,137
Oh, yeah? Maybe this
is cool enough for you.
407
00:17:23,241 --> 00:17:24,875
It's gonna take
a lot more
408
00:17:24,943 --> 00:17:27,077
than a fart in my
face to make me...
409
00:17:27,145 --> 00:17:28,846
Whoa! Whoa.
410
00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:30,815
Yeah, and there's more
where that came from.
411
00:17:33,084 --> 00:17:34,552
No, there isn't.
412
00:17:35,954 --> 00:17:37,588
Where were you
the night of the fire?
413
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:39,590
I was at the movies.
What did you see?
414
00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:40,958
No Strings Attached.
How was it?
415
00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:43,327
Sucked.
Okay, that checks out.
416
00:17:43,411 --> 00:17:45,880
Boy, that Ashton Kutcher
sure was a cad
417
00:17:45,947 --> 00:17:47,348
in that movie, wasn't he?
418
00:17:47,415 --> 00:17:48,682
Yeah, totally.
419
00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:50,251
Wrong! He had
a heart of gold.
420
00:17:50,318 --> 00:17:51,752
You're going down.
421
00:17:55,140 --> 00:17:57,174
Your husband's in here, ma'am.
Lois!
422
00:17:57,242 --> 00:17:58,742
Peter, what's going on?
423
00:17:58,810 --> 00:18:01,111
Is it true? Did you really
burn down Mort's pharmacy?
424
00:18:01,179 --> 00:18:02,546
Hi, Lois. Hi.
425
00:18:02,614 --> 00:18:04,815
Look, Lois, we were just trying
to help Mort.
426
00:18:04,883 --> 00:18:07,184
Peter, how could you do this?
You have a family.
427
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:09,086
Did you ever stop
to think about us
428
00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:11,789
before you did something that
could send you away to prison?
429
00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:15,259
For once, could you visit me
in jail and not criticize me?
430
00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:16,794
Wait a minute.
431
00:18:16,862 --> 00:18:18,996
This isn't Carvel,
you lying bitch.
432
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:20,214
All right,
that's enough.
433
00:18:20,282 --> 00:18:21,982
Visiting time
is over.
434
00:18:22,050 --> 00:18:24,201
You know you guys are
gonna do time for this.
435
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,303
Come on, Joe. You're really
gonna put us away?
436
00:18:26,371 --> 00:18:27,838
You think I
want to do this?
437
00:18:27,906 --> 00:18:30,875
You know how hard it's gonna be
for me to make new friends?
438
00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:33,510
Hey, do you think Chris is
old enough to be my friend?
439
00:18:33,595 --> 00:18:35,696
Old enough? Yes. But I wouldn't
bark down that alley.
440
00:18:35,764 --> 00:18:37,231
You frighten him.
441
00:18:37,299 --> 00:18:39,633
He thinks you're a Transformer
that broke halfway through.
442
00:18:39,701 --> 00:18:41,368
I get that a lot.
I understand.
443
00:18:41,436 --> 00:18:42,636
Look, Mort was
in trouble.
444
00:18:42,704 --> 00:18:44,572
We-we were just trying
to help him out.
445
00:18:44,639 --> 00:18:47,141
Well, insurance fraud is not
the way to help somebody out.
446
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:49,977
Listen, Joe, insurance agencies
are all scumbags.
447
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:51,345
They deserve to get hurt.
448
00:18:51,413 --> 00:18:52,780
You don't decide that.
449
00:18:52,847 --> 00:18:54,348
What you did is
against the law.
450
00:18:54,416 --> 00:18:55,549
It's easy for you, Joe.
451
00:18:55,617 --> 00:18:56,850
You don't know what it's like
452
00:18:56,918 --> 00:18:58,319
to be screwed over
by an insurance company.
453
00:18:58,386 --> 00:19:00,154
Oh, I don't, do I?
454
00:19:00,221 --> 00:19:02,790
Well, let me tell you
a little story.
455
00:19:02,857 --> 00:19:05,759
It was hours after my accident.
456
00:19:05,827 --> 00:19:08,028
I was barely conscious
on the operating table,
457
00:19:08,096 --> 00:19:10,931
but I'll never forget the phone
call that changed my life.
458
00:19:10,999 --> 00:19:14,635
Hello, I'm calling on behalf of
your policyholder, Joe Swanson.
459
00:19:14,703 --> 00:19:16,737
He's badly injured his spine.
460
00:19:16,805 --> 00:19:18,339
Well, there's
a new procedure that,
461
00:19:18,406 --> 00:19:20,074
if administered immediately,
462
00:19:20,141 --> 00:19:22,076
should restore
his ability to walk.
463
00:19:22,143 --> 00:19:24,645
$200,000.
464
00:19:24,713 --> 00:19:27,247
We also have a wheelchair.
465
00:19:27,315 --> 00:19:29,617
$60.
466
00:19:29,684 --> 00:19:31,652
Okay.
467
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,104
They're going with "B."
468
00:19:34,189 --> 00:19:36,657
Those sons of bitches
made it about money.
469
00:19:36,725 --> 00:19:38,626
Yeah, Joe.
So, what do you say?
470
00:19:38,693 --> 00:19:39,927
They didn't
care about you.
471
00:19:39,995 --> 00:19:41,428
Why should you
care about them?
472
00:19:41,496 --> 00:19:43,497
The thing is,
473
00:19:43,565 --> 00:19:45,766
you guys committed a crime,
474
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:48,268
and I've still got the evidence
to prove it.
475
00:19:48,336 --> 00:19:49,870
Too bad I lost it.
476
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:51,872
Message deleted.
477
00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:55,142
Was that... was that supposed
to mean something?
478
00:19:55,210 --> 00:19:56,977
Yeah, I'm letting
you guys go.
479
00:19:57,045 --> 00:19:58,445
Oh. Oh, well,
that's great.
480
00:19:58,513 --> 00:19:59,947
Yeah, I didn't
get that, either.
481
00:20:00,015 --> 00:20:01,665
Yeah, why didn't you
just say that?
482
00:20:01,733 --> 00:20:03,434
I'm starting to regret
erasing that message.
483
00:20:03,518 --> 00:20:04,718
Too late, butt-face.
484
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:06,337
Have a great summer, Joe.
485
00:20:11,576 --> 00:20:12,609
Peter, I don't
understand
486
00:20:12,677 --> 00:20:14,578
how they just
let you out of jail.
487
00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:16,981
Yeah, Joe had all kinds of
evidence against you guys.
488
00:20:17,048 --> 00:20:18,882
Seems like a huge
miscarriage of justice.
489
00:20:18,950 --> 00:20:20,718
I thought if you do
something wrong,
490
00:20:20,785 --> 00:20:22,219
you're supposed
to get punished.
491
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:24,238
Oh, Chris, not if you're white.
492
00:20:24,305 --> 00:20:26,707
Well, now that I've wrapped
things up with you guys,
493
00:20:26,775 --> 00:20:29,410
I better wrap things up
with my basement family.
494
00:20:29,477 --> 00:20:31,245
Well, did you guys
learn your lesson
495
00:20:31,312 --> 00:20:32,680
about eating
uncooked antelope?
496
00:20:35,758 --> 00:20:39,758
== sync, corrected by elderman ==