- A-Team roll call. Face. - Here and handsome.
- Murdoch? - Here and crazy.
- B. A? - I pity the fool.
But I also suggest ways he may better himself.
Man, this is gonna be a fun day.
Much better than that day I tried Tag body spray for sick cats.
Oh, God.
Oh, God. Oh, no.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. You're cute. You're cute.
I don't want to pet you, though.
Oh, all right.
What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
Oh, no! Okay. No, yeah, no. This spray is not for me.
Brian, what are you doing here?
- Yeah. You look just like Alf. - Peter, I'm not Alf.
Actually, I'm Douglas Brackman from L. A. Law,
but I'm really here to write an article on the convention for the Daily Shopper.
Well, you'll have a lot to write about after we win the costume contest.
Hey, check it out. Bill Cosby aerobics.
Okay, everyone. Alan Thicke will be up in a minute to answer your hate mail.
But first, the winners of this year's costume contest:
The A-Team with the real black guy.
- Sweet! - All right! All right!
Okay, you can stop with that cigar now, Gary.
My sinuses will thank you.
Brian, I read your article in the Daily Shopper.
- It was wonderful. - Don't oversell it, Lois.
No, it was good.
It almost felt like it was written by a real writer.
I read your article, too, Brian.
It seems to me you should spend less time working for the paper
and more time working on that novel you've been working on.
You know...
- This is Brian. - Brian, this is Wellesley Shepherdson.
I'm calling from The New Yorker. Perhaps you've heard of us?
Yeah, of course I've heard of you.
I was using the Daily Shopper to shoo away a homeless person,
and I saw your article.
We'd love to talk to you about becoming a contributor.
- Why don't you come by tomorrow? - Wow! Yeah. That'd be great.
All right. 2:00. I'll see you then.
They want me to contribute to The New Yorker.
The New Yorker? You'll fit in there as well as I did at Woodstock.
Excuse me. It's been brought to my attention
that a few bad apples out there are smoking marijuana.
I've got news for you, my friend. Marijuana's illegal.
Not cool. All right then.
- You suck! - Learn the rules!
And this is our writers' lounge where you'll meet some of our contributors.
- Fielding Wellingtonsworth. - Hello.
- Livingston Winstofford. - Yes.
- Amelia Bedford Furthington Chesterhill. - Good day.
And James William Bottomtooth.
Everyone, this is Brian, our newest contributor.
Hi, there. How's it going?
- Would you like some tea? - Cigar?
Brandy?
- No. I'm good, thanks. - We read your article, Brian.
Your study in post-modern American subcultures was quite illuminating.
Oh, wow, thanks. That really means a lot coming from you guys.
I'm sorry?
Yes?
- Hey, is there a bathroom around here? - Yes, yes. Follow me.
Where are the toilets?
Oh, no one at The New Yorker has an anus.
Peter, it's been two weeks.
Don't you think it's time to take off your A-Team costume?
Yeah, I guess so.
But part of me wished we could just be the A-Team forever, you know?
This damn chair keeps wobbling. I think one of the legs is short.
- Lance, I told you to fix that chair! - I checked it earlier. It seems fine.
Oh, that chair's always like that. Here, we'll help you.
Wow, thanks!
Hey, if we could fix that wobbly chair,
think of what else we could do for our community.
Cleveland's right.
It seems it's our destiny to be the A-Team after all.
We're the A-Team! Yeah!
In 2005, a group of local misfits won a costume contest
at an '80s TV convention.
These men promptly returned home and drank some beer.
Today they survive as soldiers of fortune.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help,
and if you can find them, maybe you can hire The A-Team.
So I said to him, "Brown liquor before Labor Day?
"What, do you work for Esquire? '"
Oh, Brian, how droll! We'll have to put that into a cartoon.
Or as we call it, an illustrated laughing square.
Wow. You went to Harvard, huh?
I'm an Ivy League man myself. I went to Brown.
My incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown.
- What year did you graduate? - Well, I mean, I didn't technically graduate.
You're a college dropout?
Brian, The New Yorker does not employ your kind.
You, sir, are fired!
Oh, Brian, I can't believe they fired you.
How come you never told us you dropped out of college?
I saw an after-school special about that.
It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol.
But then again, nothing did.
I was only one course shy of graduating and I just cracked under the pressure.
And now it just cost me the best job I ever had.
Well, don't take it too hard. You're not the first person to get fired.
Look, Louis, the French people really want to thank you for your services as king.
But it's just not working out and we've decided to go another way.
So...
Yeah.
I just heard the dog got fired. Did I miss it? Did he cry yet?
Oh, come on, dog. Cry for me. There, there you are.
Oh, yeah. Cry for Stewie. Life isn't what you thought it would be.
Boy, I'll tell you, not graduating from college has haunted me for years.
But, Brian, if you only had one class left, why don't you just go back and finish?
- Plenty of people do that. - You know, Lois, that's not a bad idea.
Well, this is boring. Let's go see what Meg is up to.
Hello, Meg.
Stewie? What the hell are you doing here?
Are you kidding? I couldn't miss watching you crash and burn
in this misguided attempt to finish college.
Look, you're not staying.
I'm gonna call Lois and have her pick you up right now.
Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb. I like cutting myself. I bleed a lot.
Could I have the top bunk?
He already has a roommate. Me. We're a couple of crazy college kooks.
For example, we're about to make a hilarious answering-machine message.
You've reached Stewie and Brian. We're not here right now.
And if this is Mom, send money because we're college students
and we need money for books and highlighters,
and Ramen Noodles,
and condoms for sexual relations with our classmates.
All right, fine. You can stay if you want. But what do I tell Lois?
You don't have to tell her anything. Gary Coleman owed me a favor.
Stewie, you want some more strained peas?
What you talking about, vile woman?
There she is, boys. All done.
The A-Team is ready to help rid the world of injustice and evil.
Yeah!
- All right! - Yeah!
Let's do it!
This is Advanced Physics, right?
I have a right to defend myself as a woman!
No means no!
- What the hell is wrong with you? - I'm sorry.
I just came from that orientation seminar about college dating.
Hi, I'm Kelly McGillis. And I'm here to talk to you about rape.
Ladies, look to your left. Now look to your right.
Statistics indicate that both of those men will rape you.
- I'm not gonna rape you. - I might.
Good morning, class.
Hey, can I borrow a pencil?
Now, now, it looks like we have a comedian.
I wasn't making a joke. I was just asking...
Now, Louie Anderson, our first test is Friday.
And if you don't pass, you are not in the class.
Fluffy! Fluffy, come down!
Oh, Mommy, Daddy, what are we gonna do?
Don't you worry, sad little girl.
The A-team will get your beloved kitty down.
Ready, boys?
No need to thank us. It's what we do.
Who the hell are you guys?
We're the A-Team.
Get off my property!
Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Let's go.
What do you think?
I got this at the school store. It's an M.C. Escher drawing.
I think it's called Crazy Stairs.
Look, Stewie, I got to finish this assignment
or I'm gonna fail this class.
- All done. - What?
Stewie, I can't use this. It'd be cheating.
Fine. Listen, I'll be out on the quad.
Do you know what I've discovered about myself since I've been in college?
I am so all about Ultimate Frisbee.
Oh, no! Did that hit Crazy Stairs?
I've graded your assignments.
Clearly there is only one person here who understands the material.
Brian Griffin.
Just got lucky, I guess.
No, Brian. I underestimated you.
Here, let me put a smiley face on your test.
May I borrow your pen?
You... Do you want me to just stick it in there?
Yes.
There. You have earned that.
Hey, what's up, B-rie?
Stewie, just give me a beer. I've had a bad day.
I cheated on that assignment.
You know, I haven't taken a shower since we got here. I totally reek, man.
- Check this out. - Come on!
Tell me that's not epic.
You know, I didn't come back to college just to cheat my way through.
I wanted to do it on my own.
Will you relax? Plenty of people cheat.
Once again, Ashlee Simpson.
Oh, my God! Mom, look.
They're tearing down Roger Williams Park to build a strip mall.
Oh, no. I take Stewie there all the time, don't I, sweetie?
Victory shall be mine.
That's where I go to make out with my boyfriend...
Darren Mitchelstork.
Yup, he's the chairman
of the soccer ball team.
Well, all right.
Make sure you practice safe sex, Meg.
You little liar!
Roger Williams Park? That sounds like a job for the A-Team.
- Hi, Dad. - Go to your room.
Okay.
Ah, Brian.
I am glad you could come to my faculty cocktail party.
Let me introduce my wife Helen.
Damn it, Steve. You forgot to put out the cheese and crackers.
Helen, don't start with me in front of our guests.
Do you think I like hitting you?
I am sorry you had to see that.
Look, sir, I really need to confess something to you.
- That assignment I turned in... - You know, Brian,
before you came along, I was so depressed,
I was planning to kill myself.
But you have inspired me.
If you can learn, maybe one day I can walk.
Now, what was it you wanted to say?
Nothing.
You were supposed to get potato chips, you jackass.
Damn it, Helen. Get the hell off my back or so help me.
So help me.
Don't worry. I hear they have great makeup sex.
- That feels so good. - Oh, yeah.
- Hello. - Like that?
Oh, baby.
I thought about this all day.
Not so fast. You are hurting me.
- All right. All right. - Stewie, come on. We're going home.
What the devil are you talking about?
My final exam is tomorrow
and the only way I'm gonna pass is if I cheat.
And if I do that, what was the point of coming back to college?
We can't leave. It's almost halftime and we all pooped in the tuba.
Okay, we can go.
Hey, what are you guys doing? This is a job site.
No, it's not! It's Roger Williams Park,
and we're here to stop you from destroying it.
Whoa! Whoa! What are you gonna do? Kill us?
Oh, no, no. We wouldn't do that.
We'll probably just shoot the ground all around you to make you scared.
And then you'll jump in your truck and speed off,
hit something and do a wicked flip through the air.
- Well, that'd kill us. - No, no.
You guys will just roll out of the vehicle, and dust yourself off
and lumber back to your hideout, defeated.
Buddy, I had a cousin got in a fender bender at five miles an hour,
messed his neck up, he's got partial numbness.
He's just not the same guy anymore.
- Was he wearing his safety belt? - Thank God.
Yeah, 'cause, you know, I know this guy who took his car in for an oil change.
And then later he got in a wreck, and the airbag didn't deploy.
Turns out they stole it, sold it for spare parts.
- No way! - It happens.
They call them chop shops. Makes it harder to track stolen parts.
Jeez, that is awful.
Well, look, you guys got a lot of work to do.
We should probably get out of your hair.
Take it easy, guys.
Don't forget to put your tools away.
- We blew it, didn't we? - Boy, you can say that again.
We were right there, ready to save Roger Williams Park,
and we got sidetracked by idle conversation.
We're a terrible A-Team.
You know what the problem is? We didn't stay focused.
That's exactly it. I was gonna... We didn't stay focused.
I mean, we were right there, you know? And then we just...
Somehow we just... I mean...
Well, it's already been said. We didn't stay focused.
And now back to The Facts of Life.
Hey, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something?
What is it, Jo?
Is it a problem if your penis and your vagina touch each other?
What?
Well, I try to keep them separated,
but I woke up this morning and they were sort of together.
I just didn't know. Is that okay?
- You have both? - Well, yeah. Doesn't everybody?
No!
- Brian, what are you doing home? - I couldn't do it, Lois.
You know, I thought I'd be able to finish this time.
But I just don't have what it takes to be a college graduate.
But you're so close. I mean, your final exam's tomorrow.
You can't just give up. You could study tonight.
- And I think if you really work at it... - Lois, it's over. All right?
- I'm not going. - Well, whatever you say.
Hey, what's in this closet?
- What are you doing? - Well, my, my!
Mr. Hoover's come to visit.
I don't want to see Mr. Hoover.
I wonder if Mr. Hoover has anything to say about all this?
Lois, this is not funny. I really don't want to see Mr...
Stop! Stop it! Stop it!
It's scaring me! Leave me alone!
It's so loud!
Stop! Stop it! All right. Okay. I'll study!
- I'll help you if you want. - No, thanks, Lois.
There's only one person who can help me.
Drago!
- You know the exam's in three hours? - Crap! All we've done is work out.
- We should study. - Right.
Peter, you're not wearing your costume anymore.
What's the point?
You know, I thought I could help people with this whole A-Team thing.
But it turns out I'm as useless as that nude Playboy spread of Debbie Gibson.
It's like, yeah, she's naked but who gives a shit?
Oh, my God, I overslept. My final exam's in 20 minutes.
Brian, you'll never make it.
Unless there was some kind of team of people who could get you there in time.
Peter, do you know anybody like that?
You may start your exams
now.
- Well, how'd you do? - I failed.
- What? You failed? - Yup.
Then what the hell are you smiling for?
Because I took it all the way. I didn't give up on myself.
And I didn't cheat.
- Wow. You probably should have. - Yeah. I was just gonna say that.
Yeah, you would have probably been better off.
Look, it doesn't matter how it turned out. I finished what I started,
which means I have my pride. And that's something.
- No, it's not! - Yeah! Are you out of your mind?
I mean, what the... I don't understand that. What is that like?
- You're such a loser. - I hate you!