1 00:00:33,082 --> 00:00:35,443 We now return to The Adventures of Aquaman. 2 00:00:42,806 --> 00:00:45,448 - Yeah? - Hey, can you grab me another beer? 3 00:00:45,768 --> 00:00:48,329 Yeah. Anything else? Maybe, you know, TV Guide, 4 00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,386 you know, another pillow for your feet or something? 5 00:00:50,410 --> 00:00:54,212 No. Actually, you know what? Get me, like, a Dewar's and soda, and, 6 00:00:54,532 --> 00:00:56,893 you know, try to keep the saltwater out of it, if you could. 7 00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:59,014 - Try to keep the saltwater... - Yeah. 8 00:00:59,094 --> 00:01:01,735 We're surrounded by saltwater, you know. It's kind of difficult. 9 00:01:01,855 --> 00:01:03,816 I know. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, try. 10 00:01:03,936 --> 00:01:04,936 Yeah, okay, I'll try. 11 00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:07,194 - You want me to wipe your ass, too? - Oh, that's a helpful tone. 12 00:01:07,218 --> 00:01:10,395 I'm just saying, you're kind of abusing your powers a little bit, don't you think? 13 00:01:10,419 --> 00:01:12,956 Actually, this is all time that could be spent getting me my beverage. 14 00:01:12,980 --> 00:01:14,117 Hey, what are you guys doing? 15 00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:16,502 We got to get ready for your grandpa's 80th birthday dinner. 16 00:01:16,622 --> 00:01:19,222 - Peter, calm down. He's just your father. - Yeah, but I love him. 17 00:01:19,303 --> 00:01:22,705 His folksy racism, his I-don't-care-where-I-am flatulence. 18 00:01:22,825 --> 00:01:24,482 And the way it always seems like he's chewing, 19 00:01:24,506 --> 00:01:25,906 even when there's no food in there. 20 00:01:28,027 --> 00:01:31,349 - Hiya, Dad. - Francis, it's so good to see you. 21 00:01:31,549 --> 00:01:34,550 Lois, you haven't changed a bit, you lying bitch. 22 00:01:35,551 --> 00:01:37,832 Francis, why don't you come into the dining room, huh? 23 00:01:37,952 --> 00:01:39,993 The table's all set for your birthday dinner. 24 00:01:40,153 --> 00:01:44,355 Lois, actually, Dad said he would prefer it if you did not join us, 25 00:01:44,515 --> 00:01:47,116 you know, you being a Protestant and all. 26 00:01:47,236 --> 00:01:49,053 He said it's okay if you sit at the kid's table. 27 00:01:49,077 --> 00:01:50,718 Peter, I cooked the damn dinner. 28 00:01:50,798 --> 00:01:53,759 You know, I knew you were going to react like this, and that's why 29 00:01:53,879 --> 00:01:55,840 I brought Bill Lumbergh to explain it to you. 30 00:01:55,920 --> 00:02:00,362 Yeah, I'm going to need you to go ahead and not complain about this. 31 00:02:00,482 --> 00:02:04,204 Oh, and if you could go ahead and sit at the kids' table, 32 00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:05,725 that'd be great. 33 00:02:07,605 --> 00:02:10,967 I'm just saying, '70s boobs were different. I don't know. 34 00:02:11,127 --> 00:02:13,687 You know, it wouldn't kill you to contribute to the conversation. 35 00:02:13,768 --> 00:02:17,890 Dad, tell us about World War I and how America defeated Kaiser Permanente. 36 00:02:17,970 --> 00:02:20,651 Lois, when are you going to get that baby baptized? 37 00:02:20,731 --> 00:02:22,372 Oh, God, not this again. 38 00:02:22,452 --> 00:02:24,853 Francis, why the hell is this always an issue with you? 39 00:02:24,973 --> 00:02:29,295 Because I love this family and I don't want my grandson to burn in hell. 40 00:02:29,415 --> 00:02:34,138 I love you, Grandpa. Your toenails are the same color as my school bus. 41 00:02:34,418 --> 00:02:37,219 You really think that splashing magic water on Stewie 42 00:02:37,339 --> 00:02:38,379 will keep him out of hell? 43 00:02:38,460 --> 00:02:41,181 Watch that kind of talk or you'll get your heathen head smacked. 44 00:02:41,301 --> 00:02:42,341 Oh, that's very Christian. 45 00:02:42,381 --> 00:02:44,981 - "Believe what I say or I'll hurt you." - Now you're getting it. 46 00:02:48,384 --> 00:02:49,465 Peter, we have a problem. 47 00:02:49,585 --> 00:02:51,225 Hey, hang on, Lois. I'm watching a movie. 48 00:02:51,265 --> 00:02:53,907 And now back to Jaws V, Fire Island. 49 00:02:54,267 --> 00:02:58,549 - You think we should be this far out? - Stop worrying, Mark. We'll be fine. 50 00:02:58,789 --> 00:03:02,591 Hey, I'm gonna eat you all. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. 51 00:03:03,471 --> 00:03:07,273 I'm gonna eat that one, too. Oh, I can see right up them shorts. 52 00:03:07,913 --> 00:03:11,195 I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth to chew you with. 53 00:03:13,195 --> 00:03:17,317 Oh, now wait a minute. I did have a chubby kid on a raft earlier today. 54 00:03:17,477 --> 00:03:20,519 It's okay, though. I've been swimming a lot lately. 55 00:03:20,639 --> 00:03:21,719 Yummy. 56 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,121 Peter, your father won't let up about Stewie getting baptized. 57 00:03:25,201 --> 00:03:28,522 I am sick of him always trying to force his religious views on us. 58 00:03:28,683 --> 00:03:30,643 All right, I'll talk to him, Lois, but, you know, 59 00:03:30,764 --> 00:03:33,525 when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. 60 00:03:33,645 --> 00:03:37,407 You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen. 61 00:03:40,568 --> 00:03:43,129 - Dad, what are you doing? - There's no cross in here. 62 00:03:43,249 --> 00:03:44,930 Every kitchen needs a crucifix. 63 00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:47,891 Oh, yes. Nothing says, "Eat up," like a bleeding, half-naked Jew 64 00:03:48,011 --> 00:03:49,051 nailed to a piece of wood. 65 00:03:49,132 --> 00:03:51,413 Listen, Dad, I gotta talk to you. 66 00:03:51,493 --> 00:03:55,855 Lois was wondering if maybe you could, I don't know, ease up on the whole, 67 00:03:56,375 --> 00:03:59,657 you know, Jesus-ay Christ-ay, if you catch my drift. 68 00:03:59,777 --> 00:04:01,498 You're a lapsed Catholic, Peter. 69 00:04:01,578 --> 00:04:04,939 Your wife's a Protestant whore and your baby isn't even baptized. 70 00:04:05,059 --> 00:04:07,459 All right, look, Dad, I don't want you to hate me, all right? 71 00:04:07,500 --> 00:04:08,741 So I'll make a deal with you. 72 00:04:08,861 --> 00:04:12,703 If we get Stewie baptized, you and all other old people have to acknowledge 73 00:04:12,783 --> 00:04:15,704 and be aware that there's crap in the corners of your mouth. 74 00:04:15,784 --> 00:04:17,825 I'll think about it. Now let's go. 75 00:04:17,905 --> 00:04:20,706 Old people are gross, no matter how cute they try to make them look 76 00:04:20,786 --> 00:04:22,907 on Desperate Housewives. Go ahead. 77 00:04:22,987 --> 00:04:25,869 Switch over to ABC for five seconds. I'll wait. I'll wait five seconds. 78 00:04:30,031 --> 00:04:33,352 Oh, my God, did you see? Did you see how old and ugly they are? 79 00:04:33,432 --> 00:04:36,434 Oh, my God, that redhead looks like somebody pulled Silly Putty 80 00:04:36,554 --> 00:04:37,554 over their knee. 81 00:04:40,115 --> 00:04:43,717 I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin, but I can't baptize little Stewie today. 82 00:04:43,797 --> 00:04:46,318 It turns out our last shipment of holy water is tainted. 83 00:04:46,438 --> 00:04:49,039 Tainted? Holy water? How did that happen? 84 00:04:57,323 --> 00:04:59,924 We'll call you when we get a new shipment in. 85 00:05:00,044 --> 00:05:02,646 There's no such thing as tainted holy water. 86 00:05:02,766 --> 00:05:04,246 Come on. We'll do it ourselves. 87 00:05:04,326 --> 00:05:09,089 Stewie Griffin, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost. 88 00:05:09,169 --> 00:05:10,969 - And Space Ghost. - What are you doing? 89 00:05:11,050 --> 00:05:14,331 Oh, my God! This is almost as bad as my bath with Kathy Bates. 90 00:05:17,733 --> 00:05:19,653 Yeah, I think I'm going to get out. 91 00:05:23,735 --> 00:05:25,856 Stewie, you don't look so good. 92 00:05:25,976 --> 00:05:28,738 Oh, baby, you're burning up! Oh, my God! 93 00:05:28,818 --> 00:05:31,059 Stewie, Stewie, speak to me! 94 00:05:31,179 --> 00:05:34,660 Don't... Don't take me to a black doctor. 95 00:05:37,222 --> 00:05:38,942 Mr. And Mrs. Griffin, I've examined your son 96 00:05:39,022 --> 00:05:40,983 and he is suffering from a temporary toxic anemia 97 00:05:41,103 --> 00:05:43,040 which has substantially weakened his immune system. 98 00:05:43,064 --> 00:05:44,225 Is he gonna die? 99 00:05:44,305 --> 00:05:47,186 No, but he's highly vulnerable to infection and must be quarantined 100 00:05:47,306 --> 00:05:48,867 in a germ-free plastic environment. 101 00:05:48,947 --> 00:05:51,628 My God, you mean like John Travolta in that movie? 102 00:05:51,748 --> 00:05:54,750 Oh, no, you're gonna take his face off, like in Face/Off? 103 00:05:54,990 --> 00:05:57,391 Well, it looks like the operation was a success. 104 00:05:57,511 --> 00:06:01,273 Do you know what the best part of this is? Try licking yourself. 105 00:06:01,833 --> 00:06:03,033 You bastard! 106 00:06:03,354 --> 00:06:05,515 Peter, he meant The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. 107 00:06:05,595 --> 00:06:06,795 How could this have happened? 108 00:06:06,875 --> 00:06:09,756 It's obvious to me that Stewie's been exposed to tainted holy water. 109 00:06:09,836 --> 00:06:12,718 Peter, you had Stewie baptized behind my back? 110 00:06:12,798 --> 00:06:13,798 Come on, honey. 111 00:06:13,918 --> 00:06:15,735 This is no worse than when I rented out your uterus 112 00:06:15,759 --> 00:06:17,120 to those inner city immigrants. 113 00:06:22,402 --> 00:06:25,404 Peter, you're a complete slave to your father's religion. 114 00:06:25,484 --> 00:06:29,285 What about your religious beliefs, huh? You have a choice, you know. 115 00:06:29,405 --> 00:06:31,727 - I do? - Of course. You're a grown man. 116 00:06:31,847 --> 00:06:34,568 - You can pick any religion you want. - Really? 117 00:06:35,648 --> 00:06:37,089 You know, Lois, maybe you're right. 118 00:06:37,169 --> 00:06:40,491 Maybe I should pick my own religion. The question is, which one? 119 00:06:40,571 --> 00:06:42,892 I'll tell you what you can pick. A tune out on that piano. 120 00:06:47,134 --> 00:06:49,095 Oh, now how the whiz-bang does the rest of it go? 121 00:06:49,215 --> 00:06:51,095 Quick! Make something up! 122 00:06:59,939 --> 00:07:02,501 Peter, what are all these women doing in our living room? 123 00:07:02,581 --> 00:07:04,982 Lois, I took your advice and picked a new religion. 124 00:07:05,102 --> 00:07:07,983 - I'm gonna be a Mormon. - A Mormon? Are you sure? 125 00:07:08,103 --> 00:07:10,985 Come on. Nailing a different wife every night? That's a no-brainer. 126 00:07:11,065 --> 00:07:14,226 Oh, Lois, this is Kimmy, the checkout girl from the Korean market. 127 00:07:14,306 --> 00:07:16,987 Nancy, our postal carrier. And you know Tiffany, 128 00:07:17,107 --> 00:07:19,829 the filthy woman who stands downtown and screams at traffic. 129 00:07:19,949 --> 00:07:22,070 I ate a tube of Crest for dinner! 130 00:07:22,190 --> 00:07:26,071 Isn't she funny? She's definitely the Kramer of my Mormon wives. 131 00:07:26,192 --> 00:07:29,713 - Nancy, get me a beer. - Mormons aren't allowed to drink alcohol. 132 00:07:34,115 --> 00:07:36,116 Peter, did you just throw those women away? 133 00:07:36,196 --> 00:07:37,437 No. Maybe. 134 00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:43,960 Also in the news, some trouble at St. Phillips Church. 135 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,120 That's right, Diane. 136 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,322 A shipment of tainted holy water could put some local babies in jeopardy. 137 00:07:48,402 --> 00:07:49,802 Sounds dangerous, Tom. 138 00:07:49,882 --> 00:07:52,059 Be careful next time you're at confession telling the priest 139 00:07:52,083 --> 00:07:54,300 about cheating on your wife with that Filipino drag queen. 140 00:07:54,324 --> 00:07:57,085 Well, at least you're in no danger, Diane, since you only visit church 141 00:07:57,166 --> 00:08:00,247 to leave your self-delivered, unwashed, half-dead newborns on the back step. 142 00:08:00,367 --> 00:08:03,809 Coming up, how to turn your unwanted change into folding money. 143 00:08:04,209 --> 00:08:06,706 You know, it's kind of sad seeing Stewie in that plastic bubble. 144 00:08:06,730 --> 00:08:10,492 - I think he looks like a bunny. - Oh, that's it, Chris, keep laughing. 145 00:08:10,692 --> 00:08:12,573 When I get out of here, you're going to get it. 146 00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:16,775 I'll lull you into a false sense of security like those network television announcers. 147 00:08:16,855 --> 00:08:18,295 Tonight on an all-new Mama's Family, 148 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,977 Mama's got more than she can handle with the in-laws in town. 149 00:08:21,057 --> 00:08:24,098 A deadly fire could spell death for a honeymoon couple 150 00:08:24,218 --> 00:08:25,899 on an all-new Hotel. 151 00:08:25,979 --> 00:08:28,380 Tonight on Newhart, the stockings are stuffed with comedy 152 00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:29,821 when Bob has to play Santa Claus. 153 00:08:29,901 --> 00:08:31,902 Then, a sniper's bullet threatens a partnership 154 00:08:32,022 --> 00:08:33,783 on an all-new Cagney and Lacey. 155 00:08:33,863 --> 00:08:35,543 Tonight on a laugh-out-loud Night Court, 156 00:08:35,663 --> 00:08:39,065 love is in the air when Judge Harry's old high-school flame comes to town. 157 00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:41,786 Then, a child's death could mean the case of Arnie Becker's life 158 00:08:41,866 --> 00:08:43,267 on an all-new L.A. Law. 159 00:08:43,387 --> 00:08:44,403 That's Night Court at 8:00. 160 00:08:44,427 --> 00:08:45,708 L.A. Law at 9:00. 161 00:08:46,788 --> 00:08:48,549 Now remember, kids, don't touch Stewie. 162 00:08:48,669 --> 00:08:51,030 He's not allowed to have any human contact. 163 00:08:53,191 --> 00:08:56,273 Hey, finish the job, idiot! For God's sakes, there's no ventilation! 164 00:08:56,393 --> 00:08:58,234 It smells like Brian Dennehy in here! 165 00:08:58,314 --> 00:09:02,436 I see London, I see France, I see Stewie's unsightly chapped ass. 166 00:09:02,516 --> 00:09:04,837 Hey, gay-bo, I'm up here. Up here. 167 00:09:07,238 --> 00:09:08,398 Hi, my name's Peter. 168 00:09:08,518 --> 00:09:10,639 I'm a Jehovah's Witness, here to spread the good news 169 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,240 of the story of Jesus Christ. 170 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,801 - Okay, go ahead. - Really? 171 00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,442 Wow. 172 00:09:16,962 --> 00:09:20,124 Boy, you're the first person who didn't slam the door on me. 173 00:09:20,244 --> 00:09:22,925 Okay, well, 174 00:09:23,005 --> 00:09:25,966 Jesus was a miracle worker, of sorts. 175 00:09:26,327 --> 00:09:30,769 He would travel from place to place, putting things right that once went wrong 176 00:09:31,329 --> 00:09:35,211 and hoping each time that his next leap would be the leap home. 177 00:09:40,613 --> 00:09:42,774 What do you think you're doing with my wife? 178 00:09:43,094 --> 00:09:44,094 Oh, boy. 179 00:09:49,457 --> 00:09:53,459 The pathway to enlightenment starts with an unfettered, focused mind. 180 00:09:53,539 --> 00:09:55,620 - Look out! - What are you doing? 181 00:09:55,740 --> 00:09:58,621 Oh? I thought that dot on your head was from a sniper rifle. 182 00:09:58,701 --> 00:10:01,623 Peter, this spot is a sacred adornment. 183 00:10:01,703 --> 00:10:03,624 It's a portal, an opening through which 184 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:06,585 all light, goodness, rejuvenation, joy and ecstasy 185 00:10:06,665 --> 00:10:08,586 may enter the human form. 186 00:10:09,907 --> 00:10:10,987 - A vagina? - Get out. 187 00:10:15,989 --> 00:10:18,631 Hey, Stewie, 3:00. Time for The View. 188 00:10:18,711 --> 00:10:19,911 No! No, no! Not again! 189 00:10:29,676 --> 00:10:32,557 Let me out of here! I can't watch another second! 190 00:10:34,678 --> 00:10:38,640 Relax, Stewie. The doctor gave me this so you can get some exercise. 191 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:42,722 Boy, Stewie's more wound up than Dad was that time he took steroids. 192 00:10:43,002 --> 00:10:45,483 Peter, could you please pass the potatoes? 193 00:10:46,203 --> 00:10:47,604 Damn it, Meg! 194 00:10:49,925 --> 00:10:53,086 Now, back to Happy Days. - Ah, that Fonzie is magic. 195 00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:55,327 I love the way he hits the jukebox to make it work. 196 00:10:55,448 --> 00:10:56,568 What is it, Mr. C? 197 00:10:56,648 --> 00:11:01,210 Fonz, I wanted to pleasure Marion for our anniversary, but, as you know, 198 00:11:01,290 --> 00:11:03,291 I have erectile dysfunction. 199 00:11:04,572 --> 00:11:07,333 - Oh, there we go. - Thank you, Arthur. 200 00:11:07,413 --> 00:11:08,413 Eh. 201 00:11:09,614 --> 00:11:13,056 Brian, will you carry me upstairs? I want to look at my toys. 202 00:11:13,136 --> 00:11:15,977 - No. I'm watching television. - Come on, I'm sick. 203 00:11:16,057 --> 00:11:17,738 All right. Come here. 204 00:11:23,981 --> 00:11:27,462 Oh, Todd, I feel like we'll never have a baby of our own! 205 00:11:27,542 --> 00:11:30,103 We will, Kelly. You just have to visualize it. 206 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:34,185 Come on, close your eyes. Picture a happy, healthy baby boy at play. 207 00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:37,987 Now put him in a magic bubble and release him to the universe. 208 00:11:39,668 --> 00:11:42,589 Honey, now I want you to visualize Lindsay Lohan, 209 00:11:42,709 --> 00:11:45,310 only, naked and doing a backwards crab-walk. 210 00:11:45,430 --> 00:11:46,711 - What? - Just do this for me! 211 00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,873 Ah, Peter! Where have you been, lad? 212 00:11:50,993 --> 00:11:54,355 Well, Dad, I was trying to find my own religion, but it didn't work out. 213 00:11:54,435 --> 00:11:56,996 I haven't been this disappointed since I lost my virginity. 214 00:12:01,038 --> 00:12:02,038 Uh-oh. 215 00:12:02,078 --> 00:12:03,798 You want to get some breakfast or something? 216 00:12:04,159 --> 00:12:08,041 You want to find religion, all you got to do is look in your heart. 217 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:11,482 Who's always been there for you, offering wisdom and truth? 218 00:12:11,602 --> 00:12:14,604 You've known him all along, Son. Now worship him! 219 00:12:14,884 --> 00:12:16,765 Oh, my God! Dad's right! 220 00:12:16,845 --> 00:12:21,087 There is only one person and it's time for him to be properly worshipped. 221 00:12:21,367 --> 00:12:23,768 I, Peter Griffin, hereby establish 222 00:12:23,848 --> 00:12:26,449 the First United Church of the Fonz. 223 00:12:26,729 --> 00:12:29,651 Fonzie, if this be your will, give me a sign. 224 00:12:32,972 --> 00:12:36,094 Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan. This is how a crab walks. 225 00:12:36,174 --> 00:12:38,575 It sure is! Fonzie be praised! 226 00:12:43,697 --> 00:12:47,019 All right, Dad. Two days ago, this was an old barn. 227 00:12:47,139 --> 00:12:50,420 And now, thanks to you, it's an old barn with a sign on it. 228 00:12:50,540 --> 00:12:54,102 All things are possible through the Lord God, Arthur Fonzarelli, Son. 229 00:12:54,262 --> 00:12:56,703 - So, you're really going through with this? - Absolutely. 230 00:12:56,823 --> 00:12:58,904 You know this place only cost me $100? 231 00:12:59,024 --> 00:13:01,665 That's a better deal than that Aaron Neville megaphone I bought. 232 00:13:01,785 --> 00:13:05,547 Okay, I wanna thank you guys for making me Activity Director for the day. 233 00:13:05,667 --> 00:13:07,548 Okay, first of all, can... 234 00:13:09,629 --> 00:13:12,110 What the hell? What the hell's wrong with this thing? 235 00:13:12,190 --> 00:13:14,471 Okay, we're about to start the... 236 00:13:19,113 --> 00:13:22,355 Peter, it's not a good idea to be putting these flyers all over town. 237 00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,996 People are gonna think you're crazy. 238 00:13:24,076 --> 00:13:25,957 Hey, how'd you like to lose a bunch of teeth? 239 00:13:26,037 --> 00:13:28,718 I'm sorry, Lois, that was way more than what was called for, 240 00:13:28,838 --> 00:13:31,055 but that's what happens when you challenge someone's faith. 241 00:13:31,079 --> 00:13:35,521 Oh, Peter, I know this is important to you, but I don't wanna see you humiliated. 242 00:13:35,641 --> 00:13:38,402 I don't think anyone's gonna wanna worship the Fonz. 243 00:13:38,482 --> 00:13:40,643 - Is this the Church of the Fonz? - Yes, it is. 244 00:13:40,763 --> 00:13:43,445 I read your flyer. Finally, a religion that makes sense to me. 245 00:13:43,565 --> 00:13:45,165 Hey, everyone. I found him. Over here. 246 00:13:48,647 --> 00:13:51,528 Oh, there you are. You would not believe the morning I've had. 247 00:14:26,624 --> 00:14:28,265 What in blazes is this? 248 00:14:28,385 --> 00:14:29,922 I thought you said we were going to church. 249 00:14:29,946 --> 00:14:34,068 This is church, Francis, a new church, created by a man who was brave enough 250 00:14:34,148 --> 00:14:35,388 to follow his own vision. 251 00:14:37,229 --> 00:14:38,350 Please rise. 252 00:14:39,390 --> 00:14:40,751 Now sit on it. 253 00:14:40,871 --> 00:14:41,871 The Fonz be with you. 254 00:14:41,991 --> 00:14:42,992 And also with you. 255 00:14:43,112 --> 00:14:46,273 - Let us "Eh." - "Eh." 256 00:14:46,474 --> 00:14:48,675 Wow, I can't believe people are actually buying this. 257 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:50,235 Hey, Fonzie's cool, Brian. 258 00:14:50,355 --> 00:14:53,797 You see, deep down, I think we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid. 259 00:14:53,877 --> 00:14:56,838 A reading from the letters of Potsie to the Tuscaderos. 260 00:14:57,038 --> 00:15:01,640 Yea, and did Fonzie downstairs cometh from his apartment above the garage. 261 00:15:02,121 --> 00:15:06,283 And sayeth he, " Reassembleth will I the pieces of my motorcycle, 262 00:15:06,763 --> 00:15:09,524 "though I suffereth from temporary blindness. 263 00:15:09,644 --> 00:15:13,846 "And yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will Sticks Downey, 264 00:15:14,126 --> 00:15:16,527 "the only negro in the state of Wisconsin." Amen. 265 00:15:16,647 --> 00:15:17,647 Amen. 266 00:15:22,330 --> 00:15:24,411 - Brian, what's that smell? - Black spray paint. 267 00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:28,453 - What were you painting? Oh, you think you're so funny. 268 00:15:28,613 --> 00:15:31,574 Well, as soon as I figure out where I am, you're dead, Brian! 269 00:15:32,735 --> 00:15:35,312 Damn it, I haven't been this dizzy since I did those helium whippets 270 00:15:35,336 --> 00:15:36,657 at that birthday party. 271 00:15:36,977 --> 00:15:39,018 Okay, okay, ready? Here goes. 272 00:15:39,418 --> 00:15:41,659 I'm a female. I have a high voice. 273 00:15:41,739 --> 00:15:43,900 I have reproductive organs inside of me. 274 00:15:44,060 --> 00:15:45,300 And I buy groceries. 275 00:15:45,661 --> 00:15:48,502 Peter, your religion is an abomination. 276 00:15:48,702 --> 00:15:51,543 I never thought you could ever embarrass me more in a church 277 00:15:51,623 --> 00:15:53,344 than you did at your cousin Mary's wedding. 278 00:15:53,544 --> 00:15:56,906 And if anyone knows of any reason why these two should not be married, 279 00:15:57,026 --> 00:15:58,587 let him speak now. 280 00:15:59,947 --> 00:16:01,068 Really? 281 00:16:01,468 --> 00:16:03,309 Nobody's gonna speak up. 282 00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:05,990 I'm the one who's gonna have to say it. 283 00:16:06,350 --> 00:16:07,591 All right. 284 00:16:07,791 --> 00:16:09,472 Genital warts. 285 00:16:09,872 --> 00:16:12,249 But, Dad, you're the one who said I should look into my heart 286 00:16:12,273 --> 00:16:14,914 - to find my religion. - Yes. Real religion. 287 00:16:14,994 --> 00:16:16,835 What I saw today wasn't religion. 288 00:16:16,915 --> 00:16:21,037 It was just a bunch of sheep, singing songs and listening to ridiculous tall tales. 289 00:16:21,157 --> 00:16:23,478 - Actually, that is religion. - Shut your trap, Brian. 290 00:16:23,558 --> 00:16:25,879 Hah! You tell him. - Why? I agree with you. 291 00:16:25,999 --> 00:16:28,656 All Peter's done is found another way to exploit people's ignorance, 292 00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:29,841 and that's just wrong. 293 00:16:29,961 --> 00:16:32,002 You think I'm... 294 00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:35,924 See, Brian, that's a word the Fonz can't say, 295 00:16:36,004 --> 00:16:38,685 because all is right when you welcome Fonzie into your life. 296 00:16:38,805 --> 00:16:40,046 Fonzie be with you. 297 00:16:40,126 --> 00:16:43,007 I ought to take off my belt and slap the crap out of him. 298 00:16:43,087 --> 00:16:45,688 Look, Francis. I don't like you and you don't like me. 299 00:16:45,768 --> 00:16:48,489 But I suggest we set aside our differences and work together. 300 00:16:48,610 --> 00:16:50,426 I have an idea of how to snap Peter out of this. 301 00:16:50,450 --> 00:16:52,811 Work together? You and me? 302 00:16:52,932 --> 00:16:54,932 Sure, sometimes opposites work well together. 303 00:16:55,012 --> 00:16:56,212 In fact, Peter taught me that. 304 00:17:14,581 --> 00:17:16,182 Reverend Peter, I gotta talk to you. 305 00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:18,823 Last night I had sex with a teenage blonde and her mother. 306 00:17:18,943 --> 00:17:22,345 Well, that's quite a story, Quagmire, but my church doesn't have confession. 307 00:17:22,425 --> 00:17:24,162 So there's really no reason for you to tell me. 308 00:17:24,186 --> 00:17:26,867 Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody. Giggity Goo Ga! 309 00:17:29,268 --> 00:17:31,909 Let us pause to reflect on the sacred mystery 310 00:17:31,989 --> 00:17:34,110 of Richie's elder brother, Chuck, 311 00:17:34,230 --> 00:17:37,632 who ascended the stairs with his basketball in Season One 312 00:17:37,752 --> 00:17:39,433 and never came down again. 313 00:17:39,513 --> 00:17:41,114 There's just one problem, Peter. 314 00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:44,115 When a religion gets too powerful, it's bound to have imitators. 315 00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:45,516 What are you talking about? 316 00:17:45,596 --> 00:17:47,957 Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley and I've just established 317 00:17:48,037 --> 00:17:49,598 the Church of George Jefferson. 318 00:17:49,718 --> 00:17:51,558 Who wants to move on up? 319 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:55,640 Hi, I'm Gavin MacLeod 320 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,001 and I've just established the Church of Captain Stubing. 321 00:17:58,081 --> 00:17:59,242 Who wants to come onboard? 322 00:18:02,243 --> 00:18:03,644 Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. 323 00:18:03,724 --> 00:18:06,565 Oh, great. You here to convert people to the Church of Mike Seaver? 324 00:18:06,645 --> 00:18:09,407 No, I'm here to convert people to Christianity. 325 00:18:09,487 --> 00:18:10,487 Okay. 326 00:18:10,927 --> 00:18:13,008 Well, he was on Growing Pains. 327 00:18:13,128 --> 00:18:15,169 I can't believe it. Everybody's gone. 328 00:18:15,249 --> 00:18:17,610 Well, people like that are always looking for the next voice 329 00:18:17,690 --> 00:18:18,771 to tell them what to do. 330 00:18:18,891 --> 00:18:21,412 And here I was, thinking I was making a difference. 331 00:18:21,492 --> 00:18:23,653 I thought I was actually connecting with people. 332 00:18:23,733 --> 00:18:26,294 Could there be anyone stupider than me? 333 00:18:27,495 --> 00:18:29,936 - Madonna? - Oh, yeah. She's pretty stupid. 334 00:18:30,056 --> 00:18:31,977 That's something we can all agree on, right? 335 00:18:32,137 --> 00:18:35,178 - Absolutely, yeah. Francis? - Oh, major idiot. Major idiot. 336 00:18:35,298 --> 00:18:36,459 Yeah, yeah. Well, gosh! 337 00:18:36,539 --> 00:18:38,820 I guess we do have some common ground here after all, huh? 338 00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:42,382 Yeah. And La Isla Bonita, not a real place. I looked it up. Couldn't find it. 339 00:18:42,462 --> 00:18:45,279 - Bought a globe. Couldn't find it. - Oh, yeah? That makes her a liar, too. 340 00:18:45,303 --> 00:18:47,024 - She's awful. - Awful, awful woman. 341 00:18:47,104 --> 00:18:48,785 - I agree, yeah. - And she's a whore. 342 00:18:48,865 --> 00:18:51,546 - Oh yeah, big time. - Oh, everybody. Canseco? 343 00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:54,147 - Dennis Rodman. - Dennis Rodman, right. Right, yeah. 344 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,508 Rodman? My God! 345 00:18:55,588 --> 00:18:57,125 I think he lost all his money, didn't he? 346 00:18:57,149 --> 00:18:59,670 Rodman lost? You sure you're not thinking of MC Hammer? 347 00:18:59,790 --> 00:19:03,191 No, no, I think... Well, him, too. I read somewhere, I think it was in like, 348 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:04,512 like Stuff, or is it... 349 00:19:04,632 --> 00:19:07,953 No, no, no. You know what, it was on Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel. 350 00:19:08,074 --> 00:19:10,435 And they said that he's in the poorhouse now, yeah. 351 00:19:10,515 --> 00:19:11,595 You think she'd do him now? 352 00:19:11,635 --> 00:19:14,116 What, would Madonna do Rodman now? 353 00:19:14,236 --> 00:19:16,013 Oh, yeah, no, 'cause it's not about the money. 354 00:19:16,037 --> 00:19:17,134 It's about pissing off Daddy. 355 00:19:17,158 --> 00:19:18,774 That's right. She's got a lot of problems. 356 00:19:18,798 --> 00:19:20,479 - Lot of problems. - Yeah, we are smarter. 357 00:19:20,599 --> 00:19:24,481 - We are smarter than Madonna. - Oh, no question. 358 00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:27,683 Well, I should probably get out of these robes. 359 00:19:32,205 --> 00:19:35,966 - Oh, look at you. You're all better. - That's right, Brian. And you are toast. 360 00:19:36,046 --> 00:19:38,127 I'm gonna get in the gym, get my lats back 361 00:19:38,247 --> 00:19:41,769 and then me and my friends from Cobra Kai are gonna take you down, man. 362 00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:44,690 Listen, sorry I had to rain on your parade, Peter. 363 00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:46,171 It's all right, Brian. 364 00:19:46,291 --> 00:19:49,092 I guess the Church of the Fonz was just a bad idea. 365 00:19:49,172 --> 00:19:53,494 Not really, Peter. You were preaching honesty, friendship, courage. 366 00:19:53,774 --> 00:19:57,616 And if you manage to inspire even one person to embrace those values 367 00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,177 then you are a success. 368 00:19:59,257 --> 00:20:01,898 Thanks, Lois. But I doubt there's any chance of that.