1 00:00:33,327 --> 00:00:34,983 All right, Peter. You made it to the bonus round. 2 00:00:35,007 --> 00:00:36,647 - Congratulations. - Thanks, Regis. 3 00:00:36,767 --> 00:00:39,167 Okay, the category is "Actor and Show." 4 00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:41,486 So, we need five consonants and a vowel. 5 00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,526 Oh, okay. Um... 6 00:00:44,126 --> 00:00:46,446 "Z." Four. 7 00:00:47,686 --> 00:00:48,686 "Q." 8 00:00:49,926 --> 00:00:51,246 Another "Q." 9 00:00:52,326 --> 00:00:53,405 Uh... 10 00:00:54,365 --> 00:00:55,845 A third "Q." 11 00:00:56,165 --> 00:00:57,805 And the Batman symbol. 12 00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:00,405 Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds. 13 00:01:00,525 --> 00:01:02,485 If you want to take a shot at it, talk it out. 14 00:01:02,605 --> 00:01:04,845 Is it Alex Karras in Webster? 15 00:01:05,924 --> 00:01:07,604 I don't believe it. 16 00:01:07,724 --> 00:01:10,564 Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark! Holy crap! 17 00:01:11,884 --> 00:01:13,524 Okay. You have $1,300. 18 00:01:13,644 --> 00:01:16,220 Why don't you go ahead and pick out some prizes from our showcase? 19 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:20,523 Okay, let's see. Oh, boy! Everything looks nice. Um... 20 00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:23,723 All right, I'll take the ceramic Dalmatian for $600. 21 00:01:23,843 --> 00:01:26,523 And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice. 22 00:01:26,603 --> 00:01:29,683 Uh, give me the one free week of maid service. 23 00:01:29,803 --> 00:01:31,722 And, uh, I'll take the hat rack. 24 00:01:32,202 --> 00:01:34,802 Um, hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? 25 00:01:34,922 --> 00:01:36,202 I don't see a price tag on that. 26 00:01:36,242 --> 00:01:38,122 That's you. - Oh, embarrassing. 27 00:01:38,242 --> 00:01:41,242 Okay, well, in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate. 28 00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:44,002 Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV. 29 00:01:44,082 --> 00:01:45,481 I can't believe you actually won. 30 00:01:45,561 --> 00:01:48,401 But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show. 31 00:01:48,521 --> 00:01:50,081 Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy. 32 00:01:50,281 --> 00:01:52,201 All right, players. The answer once again is, 33 00:01:52,281 --> 00:01:55,841 "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." 34 00:01:55,921 --> 00:01:57,880 Adam, what was your response? 35 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,280 "Kebert Xela." 36 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:05,800 Only saying his name backwards 37 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,720 can send him back to the fifth dimension, where he belongs. 38 00:02:14,119 --> 00:02:15,599 All right, whip them out, woman. 39 00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:17,039 It's time for the afternoon meal. 40 00:02:17,159 --> 00:02:19,839 My goodness, Stewie. I guess you're hungry. 41 00:02:21,399 --> 00:02:24,038 Honey, not so rough this time. Mommy's very sore. 42 00:02:24,158 --> 00:02:25,438 And, by the way, let's be clear. 43 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:26,598 I only like you as a friend. 44 00:02:29,598 --> 00:02:32,158 Hi. I'm Joan. I'm your maid for the week. 45 00:02:32,438 --> 00:02:35,518 Me Peter. You maid. 46 00:02:35,638 --> 00:02:37,797 Um, I do speak English. 47 00:02:37,917 --> 00:02:41,517 You maid, clean for me, Peter. 48 00:02:41,917 --> 00:02:44,117 You clean Peter mess. 49 00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:46,397 Peter, stop it. Welcome to our home, Joan. 50 00:02:46,517 --> 00:02:47,997 I'm Lois. Won't you come in? 51 00:02:48,077 --> 00:02:49,596 Oh, boy! My own maid. 52 00:02:49,676 --> 00:02:52,436 This is gonna kick more ass than that magical ride I took. 53 00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:17,794 Well, we are officially lost. 54 00:03:19,554 --> 00:03:21,154 Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now! 55 00:03:21,274 --> 00:03:23,370 Unless the next words out of your mouth are directions 56 00:03:23,394 --> 00:03:24,874 how to get back to the fish skeleton, 57 00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:26,594 I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach! 58 00:03:28,873 --> 00:03:30,393 Joan, it's great to have you here. 59 00:03:30,513 --> 00:03:32,553 No one's cleaned my belly button in a long time. 60 00:03:32,673 --> 00:03:34,033 Lois is afraid to go near there 61 00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:35,393 and my fingers are too thick. 62 00:03:35,513 --> 00:03:36,913 What is this? 63 00:03:37,633 --> 00:03:40,312 A carton of Parliaments? I haven't smoked in 10 years. 64 00:03:40,392 --> 00:03:41,952 Hey, keep digging. 65 00:03:42,552 --> 00:03:44,512 Oh, ColecoVision. 66 00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:46,592 Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon. 67 00:03:49,232 --> 00:03:52,552 Mr. Griffin, this is unbelievably humiliating. 68 00:03:52,672 --> 00:03:56,031 Hey, hey, Lois wants me to go to the store and the car's low on gas. 69 00:04:01,151 --> 00:04:02,311 Oh, crap! 70 00:04:02,431 --> 00:04:06,470 This is truly a sight to behold. An awesome spectacle. 71 00:04:06,590 --> 00:04:09,990 Peter Griffin, a once great champion of the motor speedway 72 00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:12,110 now a study in moppishness. 73 00:04:12,190 --> 00:04:13,270 The hell I am! 74 00:04:14,110 --> 00:04:15,110 Hiya! 75 00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:19,989 We now return to Malcolm in the Middle. 76 00:04:20,109 --> 00:04:21,805 And I told you boys to pick up your clothes! 77 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,245 And who left the wet towel on the bed? 78 00:04:23,269 --> 00:04:25,589 I swear to God, sometimes I feel like just going on strike! 79 00:04:25,669 --> 00:04:28,045 What would you all do if I went on strike? Huh? What would you do? 80 00:04:28,069 --> 00:04:30,669 I'm talking to you! You know what? That's what I'm gonna do! 81 00:04:30,749 --> 00:04:33,428 I'm gonna go on strike! And you can all try living without me! 82 00:04:33,508 --> 00:04:34,724 You ever think about that, huh? 83 00:04:34,748 --> 00:04:37,548 That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do that. 84 00:04:39,068 --> 00:04:41,268 Kids, we're free. 85 00:04:42,028 --> 00:04:43,668 We're finally free. 86 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,347 Ouch. Damn, that hurts. 87 00:04:55,427 --> 00:04:56,467 What happened? 88 00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:59,026 I was breastfeeding Stewie, and he bit me again. 89 00:04:59,146 --> 00:05:01,066 I think he might have even broken the skin. 90 00:05:01,146 --> 00:05:02,466 I see. Um... 91 00:05:02,906 --> 00:05:06,386 Maybe I should, uh, you know, uh, look at it. 92 00:05:06,546 --> 00:05:08,746 I, uh... I, uh... 93 00:05:08,826 --> 00:05:11,545 I have seen a lot of medical shows. 94 00:05:12,665 --> 00:05:14,625 You see, the areola is very tender here. 95 00:05:14,745 --> 00:05:16,321 And I think one of his new teeth may have 96 00:05:16,345 --> 00:05:17,905 bitten down right on a duct. 97 00:05:20,505 --> 00:05:21,505 I'm sorry. What? 98 00:05:21,585 --> 00:05:23,105 I don't know what to do, Brian. 99 00:05:23,225 --> 00:05:24,584 Breastfeeding's just so painful 100 00:05:24,664 --> 00:05:26,384 since Stewie's teeth are coming in. 101 00:05:26,504 --> 00:05:29,384 Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels when he feeds his brothers. 102 00:05:29,464 --> 00:05:31,504 There you go. There you go. 103 00:05:31,824 --> 00:05:33,584 Eat up, Stephen. You're the weakest. 104 00:05:33,704 --> 00:05:35,864 Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie. 105 00:05:35,984 --> 00:05:38,383 I suppose it would make my life easier. 106 00:05:38,503 --> 00:05:39,943 You know what? I'll give it a try. 107 00:05:40,023 --> 00:05:42,023 - Thanks, Brian. - No problem. 108 00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:45,703 Any other problems you have, too, 109 00:05:45,783 --> 00:05:48,463 like, for example, around your underpants 110 00:05:48,543 --> 00:05:49,838 that you want me to take a look at, 111 00:05:49,862 --> 00:05:51,302 I could take a look at that, too. 112 00:05:51,382 --> 00:05:52,382 Huh? 113 00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,662 Please pull down your underpants. 114 00:05:56,862 --> 00:05:58,662 All right, boys. It's my maid's last night. 115 00:05:58,742 --> 00:06:00,182 So we got to make the most of it. 116 00:06:00,262 --> 00:06:03,701 I filled this watermelon with chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers. 117 00:06:04,261 --> 00:06:06,461 Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy? 118 00:06:06,581 --> 00:06:08,141 Okay. Why? 119 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:09,861 Uh, it's a present. 120 00:06:09,941 --> 00:06:12,941 It's a thanks-for-being- such-a-sweetie watermelon. 121 00:06:13,061 --> 00:06:14,421 So you'll hang onto that? 122 00:06:14,501 --> 00:06:15,501 Yeah, sure. 123 00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:18,620 This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this? 124 00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:22,860 I hate you! I hate you! 125 00:06:23,140 --> 00:06:24,780 Oh, maid. 126 00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,100 Oh, my God! 127 00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:28,979 Everybody, this is Joan. 128 00:06:29,099 --> 00:06:30,419 - Hi. - Hello. 129 00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,378 Hey, there. 130 00:06:52,458 --> 00:06:54,697 I mean, it's nice to pleasure your acquaintance. 131 00:06:54,777 --> 00:06:57,897 I mean, would you like to go out to dinner tomorrow night? 132 00:06:57,977 --> 00:06:59,137 I'd love to. 133 00:06:59,217 --> 00:07:00,297 God, he works fast. 134 00:07:00,417 --> 00:07:03,217 Hey, Quagmire, is that a banana in your pocket 135 00:07:03,337 --> 00:07:05,297 or a erection in your pocket? 136 00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:07,136 Do you want to say 9:00? 137 00:07:07,216 --> 00:07:08,936 Sure. See you then. 138 00:07:12,096 --> 00:07:14,816 Oh, my God! I'm in love. 139 00:07:44,534 --> 00:07:45,733 Time for dinner, sweetie. 140 00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:47,333 Very well, then. Take off your shirt. 141 00:07:47,453 --> 00:07:51,173 No, honey. No, no. Tonight we're gonna have formula instead. 142 00:07:52,813 --> 00:07:54,493 That's more disgusting 143 00:07:54,573 --> 00:07:56,813 than when Peter went through that Daisy Dukes phase. 144 00:07:57,253 --> 00:07:59,692 So who's up for some hoops at the park, huh? 145 00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:02,852 Oh, there you are. Come here, you basketball. 146 00:08:05,292 --> 00:08:06,852 It's like a walrus flossing. 147 00:08:06,972 --> 00:08:08,892 I know it's different than you're used to. 148 00:08:08,972 --> 00:08:10,852 But you'll see it's just as good. 149 00:08:10,932 --> 00:08:12,451 Yes. That's what we were promised 150 00:08:12,571 --> 00:08:15,691 about Jim Belushi some 25 laugh-free years ago. 151 00:08:18,651 --> 00:08:21,091 Wow, it's so lovely here, Glenn. 152 00:08:21,211 --> 00:08:23,291 Well, this is our three-week anniversary, Joan. 153 00:08:23,371 --> 00:08:24,730 I wanted this date to be special. 154 00:08:24,810 --> 00:08:27,090 You know, this place is unique because if you're lucky, 155 00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:30,290 some nights around sunset, the screaming black dolphins come out. 156 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,690 Oh, wow! Really? I've heard they're just beautiful. 157 00:08:34,090 --> 00:08:35,650 What's going on, man? 158 00:08:35,730 --> 00:08:37,129 Oh, what's going on yourself? 159 00:08:38,249 --> 00:08:40,529 - I almost drowned yesterday. - Oh, man! 160 00:08:40,649 --> 00:08:41,889 It's wet out here. 161 00:08:42,009 --> 00:08:43,489 Oh, look at them. 162 00:08:43,569 --> 00:08:45,049 They're magical, aren't they? 163 00:08:45,129 --> 00:08:48,249 Listen, Joan. I have something very important to ask you. 164 00:08:48,329 --> 00:08:49,449 Hey, James. Mmm-hmm. 165 00:08:49,569 --> 00:08:51,688 I'm gonna see how long I can hold my breath. 166 00:08:51,808 --> 00:08:53,248 I see you breathing out your hole. 167 00:08:53,328 --> 00:08:54,328 What is it, Glenn? 168 00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:57,288 Joan, I've decided I want to spend my life with you. 169 00:08:57,368 --> 00:08:58,968 Will you marry me? 170 00:08:59,608 --> 00:09:01,168 Of course I will. 171 00:09:01,488 --> 00:09:05,447 Nothing would make me happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire. 172 00:09:06,247 --> 00:09:09,727 Hey, man. I see you got some seaweed on your tail. 173 00:09:09,847 --> 00:09:11,207 Where? What? Oh! 174 00:09:11,287 --> 00:09:12,623 You know I'm just playing with you. 175 00:09:12,647 --> 00:09:13,647 Man, you are... 176 00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:16,126 Oh, I thought you was talking about other seaweed. 177 00:09:16,206 --> 00:09:17,886 You know I got jokes. 178 00:09:19,046 --> 00:09:20,766 I'm gonna slap you with my fin. 179 00:09:26,086 --> 00:09:29,365 Man, I never would have thought Quagmire would get married. 180 00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:31,165 No, no. I know Quagmire. 181 00:09:31,245 --> 00:09:33,565 And I'm telling you, this has got to be some kind of prank. 182 00:09:33,605 --> 00:09:35,685 You know, like that prank I pulled on Ashton Kutcher. 183 00:09:36,045 --> 00:09:37,645 Ashton, come here. 184 00:09:39,685 --> 00:09:41,404 You've just been tomahawked. 185 00:09:41,484 --> 00:09:43,444 That's my show. Tomahawked. 186 00:09:47,404 --> 00:09:48,644 So, how's the weaning going? 187 00:09:48,764 --> 00:09:49,884 Oh, it's horrible. 188 00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,684 Giving up breast milk is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. 189 00:09:52,804 --> 00:09:56,043 I'll bet the founding fathers had an easier time writing the Bill of Rights. 190 00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,203 All right, we're done. 191 00:09:57,283 --> 00:09:59,699 You think the language in the Second Amendment is clear enough? 192 00:09:59,723 --> 00:10:02,019 - You know, about the right to bear arms? - Of course it's clear. 193 00:10:02,043 --> 00:10:04,963 Every American has the right to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall. 194 00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:06,683 How could that possibly be misconstrued? 195 00:10:06,803 --> 00:10:08,442 All right. Fantastic then. 196 00:10:08,562 --> 00:10:10,762 Wait. You know what? Before we send this to the printer, 197 00:10:10,882 --> 00:10:12,282 let's take that abortion thing out. 198 00:10:14,402 --> 00:10:18,042 Boy, I never thought we'd be going to Quagmire's for an engagement party. 199 00:10:18,162 --> 00:10:21,401 I'm telling you guys, he's putting us on. He's the same old Quagmire. 200 00:10:21,481 --> 00:10:23,761 Hey there, neighbors. Are you lost? 201 00:10:23,841 --> 00:10:26,881 I'm just joshing. Of course we're expecting you. Come on in, friends. 202 00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:32,880 Uh-uh, if you all will just take your shoes off there. 203 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,640 Joan and I kind of do the Japanese thing. 204 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,720 Uh-oh, foot odor. 205 00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,120 I have to go. 206 00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,960 I have, uh, terrible foot odor. 207 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,559 Glenn, your place looks wonderful. 208 00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,759 I feel like I can touch things in here now. 209 00:10:48,839 --> 00:10:50,759 We brought you guys a bottle of wine. 210 00:10:50,879 --> 00:10:52,839 Oh, Montrachet! 211 00:10:52,959 --> 00:10:54,279 I like our friends. 212 00:10:55,519 --> 00:10:58,239 So, Joan and I just love Without a Trace, don't we, honey? 213 00:10:58,359 --> 00:10:59,974 - Yeah, it's all right. - We think it's all right. 214 00:10:59,998 --> 00:11:01,918 What are you talking about? You hate CBS. 215 00:11:02,038 --> 00:11:04,438 Ooh. "Hate" is a word we don't use in this house. 216 00:11:04,558 --> 00:11:07,638 Joan and I always say, " If you don't have anything nice to say about someone, 217 00:11:07,718 --> 00:11:09,918 "don't say anything at all." We say that, right, honey? 218 00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:11,437 - Sometimes. - Sometimes we say that. 219 00:11:13,077 --> 00:11:15,917 Hey, Quagmire. Check out this month's Hustler, huh. 220 00:11:15,997 --> 00:11:17,957 - Quagmire? - Now, this is neat. 221 00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,837 These people have put an old-fashioned Colonial spinning wheel 222 00:11:20,957 --> 00:11:23,957 in the center of their living room, as furniture. 223 00:11:24,396 --> 00:11:26,436 Oh, that's what I want in my house. 224 00:11:30,076 --> 00:11:32,436 All right, Quagmire. Time for your lap dance. 225 00:11:32,516 --> 00:11:34,996 No, guys. I can't do that. It's degrading to women. 226 00:11:35,076 --> 00:11:36,956 Come on, Quagmire. It's got to be you. 227 00:11:37,036 --> 00:11:38,635 I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor, 228 00:11:38,715 --> 00:11:40,435 and Joe's dead from the waist down. 229 00:11:42,715 --> 00:11:44,475 Why do you bring me here? 230 00:11:46,595 --> 00:11:49,075 Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore. 231 00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:51,234 And they've gotten so engorged from the weaning, 232 00:11:51,354 --> 00:11:53,234 I've gone up two bra sizes. 233 00:11:53,314 --> 00:11:55,634 What did you do with the old bras? 234 00:11:55,714 --> 00:11:58,034 Okay. Got to time this just right. 235 00:12:01,274 --> 00:12:03,273 One, two, three! 236 00:12:04,993 --> 00:12:07,153 Help! Somebody get this baby off me! 237 00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:09,433 Stewie! I'm so sorry. 238 00:12:09,553 --> 00:12:12,073 By the way, you call those cheap implants boobs? 239 00:12:12,153 --> 00:12:14,353 Those aren't boobs. They are lies! 240 00:12:16,392 --> 00:12:17,552 I can't believe it. 241 00:12:17,632 --> 00:12:20,232 Quagmire's gone all sissy-man Alan Alda on us! 242 00:12:20,312 --> 00:12:23,152 Well, what can we do about it? The wedding's tomorrow. 243 00:12:23,232 --> 00:12:26,272 There's only one thing to do. We got to break it up. 244 00:12:29,071 --> 00:12:31,591 Gosh, Peter, thanks so much for being my best man. 245 00:12:31,671 --> 00:12:35,151 Oh, it's my pleasure. In fact, I got a wedding surprise for you. 246 00:12:35,231 --> 00:12:37,111 All right, back it up, guys. 247 00:12:37,231 --> 00:12:40,951 I know you got a foot fetish so I got you this Statue of Liberty's foot. 248 00:12:41,031 --> 00:12:44,070 Oh, thanks, Peter. But Joan is all the foot I need now. 249 00:12:44,150 --> 00:12:47,150 What? But, Quagmire, that's the real foot from the Statue... 250 00:12:47,270 --> 00:12:48,630 No, no. I'm okay. 251 00:12:48,710 --> 00:12:51,710 Hey, do you have any idea what I went through to get this? 252 00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:53,430 A lot. A real lot. 253 00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:55,310 You think this is just, "Oh, here comes Peter 254 00:12:55,429 --> 00:12:57,749 "with the Statue of Liberty's foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?" 255 00:12:57,869 --> 00:13:02,189 No. No. The reality, the real reality of getting this together was staggering. 256 00:13:02,269 --> 00:13:06,189 You know, this cost me $437,000. 257 00:13:06,309 --> 00:13:07,468 Don't ask me how I got it. 258 00:13:07,588 --> 00:13:10,828 I had to call in a whole bunch of favors from people I've never even met. 259 00:13:10,908 --> 00:13:13,908 So the very least you can do is just rub up against... I don't know. 260 00:13:14,028 --> 00:13:15,068 Well, if you want I can... 261 00:13:15,148 --> 00:13:18,308 No, no. No, no, it's fine. No. Whatever. Whatever. Just go to your wedding, man. 262 00:13:19,388 --> 00:13:21,627 No. No. No. No. Take... Just get it out of here. 263 00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:28,467 Peter, what's the matter? This is a happy occasion. 264 00:13:28,587 --> 00:13:30,107 No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible. 265 00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:32,547 You don't know what happens to a man when he gets married. 266 00:13:32,627 --> 00:13:35,306 It's like a disease that rots you from the inside out. 267 00:13:35,426 --> 00:13:37,706 I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it. 268 00:13:37,786 --> 00:13:40,626 I can't believe how much my breasts have swollen. 269 00:13:46,505 --> 00:13:48,705 Oh, look out. Champagne. 270 00:13:48,785 --> 00:13:50,105 Peter, stop. 271 00:13:52,105 --> 00:13:55,345 Oh, Lois, you're all wet. Here, let me jiggle you dry. 272 00:13:58,825 --> 00:14:01,944 Giggity giggity God! I've made a terrible mistake! 273 00:14:06,704 --> 00:14:09,664 Oh, my God, you blew it up. 274 00:14:10,024 --> 00:14:11,904 You really did it. 275 00:14:12,303 --> 00:14:14,823 Damn you all to hell! 276 00:14:22,423 --> 00:14:24,223 Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage. 277 00:14:24,303 --> 00:14:25,878 Cleveland, how did you get out of yours? 278 00:14:25,902 --> 00:14:27,302 You slept with my wife. 279 00:14:27,422 --> 00:14:30,222 It's easy, Quagmire. Just tell her to hit the bricks. 280 00:14:30,342 --> 00:14:32,182 Yeah. You've gotten out of commitments before. 281 00:14:32,302 --> 00:14:34,062 Wow, that was great. 282 00:14:34,182 --> 00:14:35,542 Sure was. See you. 283 00:14:35,662 --> 00:14:37,422 But you said we were gonna get married. 284 00:14:37,542 --> 00:14:40,901 No. I only said that so you'd googooity my geshmoigen. 285 00:14:46,661 --> 00:14:49,301 So, anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is, 286 00:14:49,421 --> 00:14:51,980 some of the guys thought we should get a divorce. 287 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,100 What? 288 00:14:53,780 --> 00:14:56,620 But I told them they didn't know what they were talking about. 289 00:14:56,700 --> 00:15:00,500 Good. Good. 'Cause if you ever left me, I'd have to cut myself. 290 00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:02,980 And then I'd cut you. 291 00:15:03,659 --> 00:15:05,219 I love you, Glenn. 292 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:08,179 I love you, too, insane-woman-I'm-having- second-thoughts-about. 293 00:15:08,299 --> 00:15:09,539 - What? - All right. 294 00:15:16,139 --> 00:15:17,858 Yes. Sleep away, woman. 295 00:15:17,938 --> 00:15:20,738 But I'm here to claim what's rightfully mine. 296 00:15:20,818 --> 00:15:22,338 Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. 297 00:15:22,418 --> 00:15:24,698 Oh, that's the stuff. Yeah, yeah. 298 00:15:27,698 --> 00:15:29,697 Dear God! I've got to get a hold of myself. 299 00:15:29,777 --> 00:15:32,777 Look at me sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet. 300 00:15:32,897 --> 00:15:35,337 I'm as pathetic as the fat man when he tries to read. 301 00:15:36,137 --> 00:15:38,297 - Hey, Lois, what's this word? - "Evel." 302 00:15:38,377 --> 00:15:39,617 - And this one? - "Kneivel." 303 00:15:39,697 --> 00:15:40,697 - And this one? - "Was." 304 00:15:40,777 --> 00:15:41,857 - And this one? - "Born." 305 00:15:41,937 --> 00:15:42,937 - And this one? - "In." 306 00:15:43,016 --> 00:15:44,936 - And this one? - "Montana." 307 00:15:45,376 --> 00:15:48,576 Hey, Lois. Did you know that Evel Kneivel was born in Montana? 308 00:15:51,976 --> 00:15:53,216 You didn't tell her? 309 00:15:53,336 --> 00:15:55,071 Look, I told you she was gonna kill herself. 310 00:15:55,095 --> 00:15:56,175 What was I supposed to do? 311 00:15:56,295 --> 00:15:59,295 Let her. No, that's not funny. 312 00:15:59,415 --> 00:16:00,415 Wait a second. 313 00:16:00,495 --> 00:16:02,495 We know she's gonna be upset if you dump her. 314 00:16:02,575 --> 00:16:04,791 But if something happened that was out of your control... 315 00:16:04,815 --> 00:16:07,775 - What do you mean? - I mean we're gonna fake your death. 316 00:16:07,895 --> 00:16:11,094 This is the best idea I've had since I invented that soda. 317 00:16:11,174 --> 00:16:13,854 Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi. 318 00:16:13,934 --> 00:16:17,454 All the great taste of regular Pepsi but without the troublesome opacity. 319 00:16:17,574 --> 00:16:19,334 Well, what if you're drinking a regular Pepsi 320 00:16:19,454 --> 00:16:21,229 and somebody is coming at you with a knife, huh? 321 00:16:21,253 --> 00:16:23,053 You won't be able to see him past your Pepsi. 322 00:16:23,173 --> 00:16:25,453 And then, who's dead, huh? You. 323 00:16:25,573 --> 00:16:27,293 You! You're dead! Stabbed! 324 00:16:27,373 --> 00:16:28,613 Crystal Pepsi. 325 00:16:32,253 --> 00:16:33,852 All right, fellas. I think we did it. 326 00:16:33,972 --> 00:16:37,052 This may be the most absolutely perfect fake death 327 00:16:37,172 --> 00:16:39,292 in the history of fake deaths. 328 00:16:40,492 --> 00:16:41,692 What do you guys want? 329 00:16:41,812 --> 00:16:44,092 Joan, um, you mind if we come in? 330 00:16:44,332 --> 00:16:46,891 There's, um... There's been an accident. 331 00:16:47,491 --> 00:16:49,851 This is, uh, not gonna be easy, 332 00:16:49,931 --> 00:16:52,251 but it's something you should see. 333 00:16:53,891 --> 00:16:56,091 So, anyway, here's Quagmire walking through the park, 334 00:16:56,211 --> 00:16:57,491 minding his own business. 335 00:16:57,571 --> 00:17:00,010 I just happened to be there with my video camera 336 00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:01,890 when a ninja shows up! 337 00:17:03,050 --> 00:17:04,730 And then a Nazi came! 338 00:17:06,130 --> 00:17:08,570 And then an evil pots-and-pans robot! 339 00:17:08,890 --> 00:17:10,250 Destroy. 340 00:17:10,370 --> 00:17:11,530 Destroy. 341 00:17:12,170 --> 00:17:14,809 I imagine you're probably wondering what happened to the body. 342 00:17:14,929 --> 00:17:16,569 Well, we thought of that. 343 00:17:16,649 --> 00:17:19,089 Oh, no! Quagmire's dead! 344 00:17:19,169 --> 00:17:22,249 Wait! We might still be able to save... Oh, no! 345 00:17:33,568 --> 00:17:36,408 We are so, so sorry for your loss. 346 00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:37,728 Is this a joke? 347 00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:40,607 I wish it were, Joan. I wish it were a joke. 348 00:17:40,687 --> 00:17:42,767 But these things happen, you know? 349 00:17:42,847 --> 00:17:44,567 You go for a walk in the park one day, 350 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:48,087 and wheelchair ninjas, and Nazis, and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill you, 351 00:17:48,207 --> 00:17:50,663 and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains. You've seen the news. 352 00:17:50,687 --> 00:17:52,166 You're not fooling anyone. 353 00:17:52,286 --> 00:17:53,886 All right, fellows. Plan B. 354 00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,046 Plan B, Quagmire. 355 00:17:55,166 --> 00:17:56,726 Hi, honey. I'm home. 356 00:17:56,806 --> 00:17:58,326 Heart attack! 357 00:18:00,286 --> 00:18:03,326 Glenn, sweetheart! Is he all right? 358 00:18:03,446 --> 00:18:05,805 No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop. 359 00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:07,965 Oh, my God! Are you sure? 360 00:18:08,085 --> 00:18:11,965 You know what'll prove it? When people die, they void their bowels. 361 00:18:12,085 --> 00:18:15,645 I said, when people die, they void their bowels. 362 00:18:16,445 --> 00:18:18,204 Oh, my God! 363 00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:20,404 What a jackass. 364 00:18:23,844 --> 00:18:26,004 - Well, you look a lot better. - I did it, Brian! 365 00:18:26,084 --> 00:18:27,444 Through sheer force of will, 366 00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,124 I kicked my addiction to breast milk. 367 00:18:29,244 --> 00:18:31,843 I just had to find a way to make breasts seem repulsive. 368 00:18:31,963 --> 00:18:34,483 - Yeah. How did you do that? - I watched In The Cut. 369 00:18:34,563 --> 00:18:37,683 Meg Ryan topless. No, thanks. No, thanks. 370 00:18:37,923 --> 00:18:40,923 Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you. 371 00:18:41,043 --> 00:18:42,163 What are you doing? 372 00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:44,162 Oh, Brian, I thought I was ready to wean him. 373 00:18:44,282 --> 00:18:46,322 But I just miss the bonding. 374 00:18:46,402 --> 00:18:49,762 No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you! 375 00:18:49,882 --> 00:18:52,162 I just kicked the stuff. Damn you! 376 00:18:52,842 --> 00:18:54,482 You sick, twisted... 377 00:18:54,682 --> 00:18:55,921 I hate you. 378 00:18:56,161 --> 00:18:57,441 I love it. 379 00:18:57,921 --> 00:18:59,441 I will kill you. 380 00:19:05,801 --> 00:19:07,921 You sure Quagmire's okay in there? 381 00:19:08,001 --> 00:19:10,160 No problem. He's got half an hour of oxygen. 382 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,760 We'll sneak back later and dig him up. 383 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,440 Sorry, I'm late. I had a meeting over at NBC about Joey. 384 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,280 Death? What are you doing here? Nobody's dying today. 385 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,959 Not according to my paperwork. 386 00:19:22,039 --> 00:19:24,439 Says here your buddy Quagmire died of a heart attack. 387 00:19:24,559 --> 00:19:27,719 I got to tell you, I always thought it would be rectal trauma. 388 00:19:30,519 --> 00:19:32,135 Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell are you doing? 389 00:19:32,159 --> 00:19:33,839 Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies. 390 00:19:33,919 --> 00:19:36,918 So the city says all caskets must be encased in concrete. 391 00:19:37,038 --> 00:19:39,798 You'll thank me when no one eats our brains. 392 00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:41,038 You'll thank me. 393 00:19:41,158 --> 00:19:44,438 Hold it! Stop the funeral. Quagmire's not really dead. 394 00:19:46,678 --> 00:19:47,757 Zombie! 395 00:19:51,117 --> 00:19:53,477 Glenn, I thought I'd lost you. 396 00:19:53,557 --> 00:19:57,077 Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still need a body to take back with me. 397 00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,757 - So... - No, you can't take him. 398 00:20:03,676 --> 00:20:07,076 You know, this is probably not cool. Just throwing it out there. 399 00:20:07,156 --> 00:20:09,556 - She was suicidal. - She was? 400 00:20:09,636 --> 00:20:11,516 - Yeah, absolutely. - I had heard that, too. 401 00:20:11,636 --> 00:20:13,115 And her last name was Quagmire. 402 00:20:13,235 --> 00:20:14,315 Well, good enough for me. 403 00:20:14,395 --> 00:20:16,755 I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion. 404 00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:20,155 I'm not gonna kill her, I'm just gonna watch her die on her own. 405 00:20:20,275 --> 00:20:21,675 Anyone? Anyone? 406 00:20:22,835 --> 00:20:24,875 Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire. 407 00:20:24,955 --> 00:20:26,994 It's good to be back, Peter. 408 00:20:27,314 --> 00:20:30,594 Hey, Death, can you leave that body here for another five minutes? 409 00:20:32,194 --> 00:20:33,514 That's Quagmire.