1
00:00:33,327 --> 00:00:34,983
All right, Peter.
You made it to the bonus round.
2
00:00:35,007 --> 00:00:36,647
- Congratulations.
- Thanks, Regis.
3
00:00:36,767 --> 00:00:39,167
Okay, the category
is "Actor and Show."
4
00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:41,486
So, we need five consonants and a vowel.
5
00:00:41,606 --> 00:00:43,526
Oh, okay. Um...
6
00:00:44,126 --> 00:00:46,446
"Z." Four.
7
00:00:47,686 --> 00:00:48,686
"Q."
8
00:00:49,926 --> 00:00:51,246
Another "Q."
9
00:00:52,326 --> 00:00:53,405
Uh...
10
00:00:54,365 --> 00:00:55,845
A third "Q."
11
00:00:56,165 --> 00:00:57,805
And the Batman symbol.
12
00:00:57,925 --> 00:01:00,405
Okay, no help there. Fifteen seconds.
13
00:01:00,525 --> 00:01:02,485
If you want to take a
shot at it, talk it out.
14
00:01:02,605 --> 00:01:04,845
Is it Alex Karras in Webster?
15
00:01:05,924 --> 00:01:07,604
I don't believe it.
16
00:01:07,724 --> 00:01:10,564
Oh, my God! I just took a shot in the dark!
Holy crap!
17
00:01:11,884 --> 00:01:13,524
Okay. You have $1,300.
18
00:01:13,644 --> 00:01:16,220
Why don't you go ahead and pick out
some prizes from our showcase?
19
00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:20,523
Okay, let's see. Oh, boy!
Everything looks nice. Um...
20
00:01:20,603 --> 00:01:23,723
All right, I'll take
the ceramic Dalmatian for $600.
21
00:01:23,843 --> 00:01:26,523
And, uh, boy, that TV looks nice.
22
00:01:26,603 --> 00:01:29,683
Uh, give me the one free week
of maid service.
23
00:01:29,803 --> 00:01:31,722
And, uh, I'll take the hat rack.
24
00:01:32,202 --> 00:01:34,802
Um, hey, how much
for that fat guy in the circle?
25
00:01:34,922 --> 00:01:36,202
I don't see a price tag on that.
26
00:01:36,242 --> 00:01:38,122
That's you.
- Oh, embarrassing.
27
00:01:38,242 --> 00:01:41,242
Okay, well, in that case,
I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.
28
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:44,002
Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV.
29
00:01:44,082 --> 00:01:45,481
I can't believe you actually won.
30
00:01:45,561 --> 00:01:48,401
But I suppose it's not the strangest thing
I've seen on a game show.
31
00:01:48,521 --> 00:01:50,081
Like when Adam West was on Jeopardy.
32
00:01:50,281 --> 00:01:52,201
All right, players.
The answer once again is,
33
00:01:52,281 --> 00:01:55,841
"It was the first spacecraft
to land on the surface of Mars."
34
00:01:55,921 --> 00:01:57,880
Adam, what was your response?
35
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,280
"Kebert Xela."
36
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:05,800
Only saying his name backwards
37
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,720
can send him back
to the fifth dimension, where he belongs.
38
00:02:14,119 --> 00:02:15,599
All right, whip them out, woman.
39
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:17,039
It's time for the afternoon meal.
40
00:02:17,159 --> 00:02:19,839
My goodness, Stewie.
I guess you're hungry.
41
00:02:21,399 --> 00:02:24,038
Honey, not so rough this time.
Mommy's very sore.
42
00:02:24,158 --> 00:02:25,438
And, by the way, let's be clear.
43
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:26,598
I only like you as a friend.
44
00:02:29,598 --> 00:02:32,158
Hi. I'm Joan. I'm your maid for the week.
45
00:02:32,438 --> 00:02:35,518
Me Peter. You maid.
46
00:02:35,638 --> 00:02:37,797
Um, I do speak English.
47
00:02:37,917 --> 00:02:41,517
You maid, clean for me, Peter.
48
00:02:41,917 --> 00:02:44,117
You clean Peter mess.
49
00:02:44,197 --> 00:02:46,397
Peter, stop it. Welcome to our home, Joan.
50
00:02:46,517 --> 00:02:47,997
I'm Lois. Won't you come in?
51
00:02:48,077 --> 00:02:49,596
Oh, boy! My own maid.
52
00:02:49,676 --> 00:02:52,436
This is gonna kick more ass
than that magical ride I took.
53
00:03:15,834 --> 00:03:17,794
Well, we are officially lost.
54
00:03:19,554 --> 00:03:21,154
Shut up, Ricky! Just shut up right now!
55
00:03:21,274 --> 00:03:23,370
Unless the next words
out of your mouth are directions
56
00:03:23,394 --> 00:03:24,874
how to get back to the fish skeleton,
57
00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:26,594
I'm gonna punch you right in the stomach!
58
00:03:28,873 --> 00:03:30,393
Joan, it's great to have you here.
59
00:03:30,513 --> 00:03:32,553
No one's cleaned
my belly button in a long time.
60
00:03:32,673 --> 00:03:34,033
Lois is afraid to go near there
61
00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:35,393
and my fingers are too thick.
62
00:03:35,513 --> 00:03:36,913
What is this?
63
00:03:37,633 --> 00:03:40,312
A carton of Parliaments?
I haven't smoked in 10 years.
64
00:03:40,392 --> 00:03:41,952
Hey, keep digging.
65
00:03:42,552 --> 00:03:44,512
Oh, ColecoVision.
66
00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:46,592
Yeah! This could be a fun afternoon.
67
00:03:49,232 --> 00:03:52,552
Mr. Griffin, this is
unbelievably humiliating.
68
00:03:52,672 --> 00:03:56,031
Hey, hey, Lois wants me to go to the
store and the car's low on gas.
69
00:04:01,151 --> 00:04:02,311
Oh, crap!
70
00:04:02,431 --> 00:04:06,470
This is truly a sight to behold.
An awesome spectacle.
71
00:04:06,590 --> 00:04:09,990
Peter Griffin, a once great champion
of the motor speedway
72
00:04:10,110 --> 00:04:12,110
now a study in moppishness.
73
00:04:12,190 --> 00:04:13,270
The hell I am!
74
00:04:14,110 --> 00:04:15,110
Hiya!
75
00:04:17,950 --> 00:04:19,989
We now return
to Malcolm in the Middle.
76
00:04:20,109 --> 00:04:21,805
And I told you boys
to pick up your clothes!
77
00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,245
And who left the wet towel on the bed?
78
00:04:23,269 --> 00:04:25,589
I swear to God,
sometimes I feel like just going on strike!
79
00:04:25,669 --> 00:04:28,045
What would you all do if I went on strike?
Huh? What would you do?
80
00:04:28,069 --> 00:04:30,669
I'm talking to you! You know what?
That's what I'm gonna do!
81
00:04:30,749 --> 00:04:33,428
I'm gonna go on strike!
And you can all try living without me!
82
00:04:33,508 --> 00:04:34,724
You ever think about that, huh?
83
00:04:34,748 --> 00:04:37,548
That's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna do that.
84
00:04:39,068 --> 00:04:41,268
Kids, we're free.
85
00:04:42,028 --> 00:04:43,668
We're finally free.
86
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,347
Ouch. Damn, that hurts.
87
00:04:55,427 --> 00:04:56,467
What happened?
88
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:59,026
I was breastfeeding Stewie,
and he bit me again.
89
00:04:59,146 --> 00:05:01,066
I think he might have
even broken the skin.
90
00:05:01,146 --> 00:05:02,466
I see. Um...
91
00:05:02,906 --> 00:05:06,386
Maybe I should, uh,
you know, uh, look at it.
92
00:05:06,546 --> 00:05:08,746
I, uh... I, uh...
93
00:05:08,826 --> 00:05:11,545
I have seen a lot of medical shows.
94
00:05:12,665 --> 00:05:14,625
You see, the areola is very tender here.
95
00:05:14,745 --> 00:05:16,321
And I think one of his new teeth may have
96
00:05:16,345 --> 00:05:17,905
bitten down right on a duct.
97
00:05:20,505 --> 00:05:21,505
I'm sorry. What?
98
00:05:21,585 --> 00:05:23,105
I don't know what to do, Brian.
99
00:05:23,225 --> 00:05:24,584
Breastfeeding's just so painful
100
00:05:24,664 --> 00:05:26,384
since Stewie's teeth are coming in.
101
00:05:26,504 --> 00:05:29,384
Now I know how Alec Baldwin feels
when he feeds his brothers.
102
00:05:29,464 --> 00:05:31,504
There you go. There you go.
103
00:05:31,824 --> 00:05:33,584
Eat up, Stephen. You're the weakest.
104
00:05:33,704 --> 00:05:35,864
Well, maybe it's time to wean Stewie.
105
00:05:35,984 --> 00:05:38,383
I suppose it would make my life easier.
106
00:05:38,503 --> 00:05:39,943
You know what? I'll give it a try.
107
00:05:40,023 --> 00:05:42,023
- Thanks, Brian.
- No problem.
108
00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:45,703
Any other problems you have, too,
109
00:05:45,783 --> 00:05:48,463
like, for example, around your underpants
110
00:05:48,543 --> 00:05:49,838
that you want me to take a look at,
111
00:05:49,862 --> 00:05:51,302
I could take a look at that, too.
112
00:05:51,382 --> 00:05:52,382
Huh?
113
00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,662
Please pull down your underpants.
114
00:05:56,862 --> 00:05:58,662
All right, boys. It's my maid's last night.
115
00:05:58,742 --> 00:06:00,182
So we got to make the most of it.
116
00:06:00,262 --> 00:06:03,701
I filled this watermelon with
chocolate pudding and M-80 firecrackers.
117
00:06:04,261 --> 00:06:06,461
Hey, Meg. Will you hold this for Daddy?
118
00:06:06,581 --> 00:06:08,141
Okay. Why?
119
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:09,861
Uh, it's a present.
120
00:06:09,941 --> 00:06:12,941
It's a thanks-for-being-
such-a-sweetie watermelon.
121
00:06:13,061 --> 00:06:14,421
So you'll hang onto that?
122
00:06:14,501 --> 00:06:15,501
Yeah, sure.
123
00:06:16,820 --> 00:06:18,620
This is weird. Am I supposed to eat this?
124
00:06:19,940 --> 00:06:22,860
I hate you! I hate you!
125
00:06:23,140 --> 00:06:24,780
Oh, maid.
126
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:27,100
Oh, my God!
127
00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:28,979
Everybody, this is Joan.
128
00:06:29,099 --> 00:06:30,419
- Hi.
- Hello.
129
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,378
Hey, there.
130
00:06:52,458 --> 00:06:54,697
I mean, it's nice to
pleasure your acquaintance.
131
00:06:54,777 --> 00:06:57,897
I mean, would you like
to go out to dinner tomorrow night?
132
00:06:57,977 --> 00:06:59,137
I'd love to.
133
00:06:59,217 --> 00:07:00,297
God, he works fast.
134
00:07:00,417 --> 00:07:03,217
Hey, Quagmire,
is that a banana in your pocket
135
00:07:03,337 --> 00:07:05,297
or a erection in your pocket?
136
00:07:05,417 --> 00:07:07,136
Do you want to say 9:00?
137
00:07:07,216 --> 00:07:08,936
Sure. See you then.
138
00:07:12,096 --> 00:07:14,816
Oh, my God! I'm in love.
139
00:07:44,534 --> 00:07:45,733
Time for dinner, sweetie.
140
00:07:45,813 --> 00:07:47,333
Very well, then. Take off your shirt.
141
00:07:47,453 --> 00:07:51,173
No, honey. No, no.
Tonight we're gonna have formula instead.
142
00:07:52,813 --> 00:07:54,493
That's more disgusting
143
00:07:54,573 --> 00:07:56,813
than when Peter went through
that Daisy Dukes phase.
144
00:07:57,253 --> 00:07:59,692
So who's up
for some hoops at the park, huh?
145
00:07:59,812 --> 00:08:02,852
Oh, there you are.
Come here, you basketball.
146
00:08:05,292 --> 00:08:06,852
It's like a walrus flossing.
147
00:08:06,972 --> 00:08:08,892
I know it's different than you're used to.
148
00:08:08,972 --> 00:08:10,852
But you'll see it's just as good.
149
00:08:10,932 --> 00:08:12,451
Yes. That's what we were promised
150
00:08:12,571 --> 00:08:15,691
about Jim Belushi
some 25 laugh-free years ago.
151
00:08:18,651 --> 00:08:21,091
Wow, it's so lovely here, Glenn.
152
00:08:21,211 --> 00:08:23,291
Well, this is our
three-week anniversary, Joan.
153
00:08:23,371 --> 00:08:24,730
I wanted this date to be special.
154
00:08:24,810 --> 00:08:27,090
You know, this place is unique
because if you're lucky,
155
00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:30,290
some nights around sunset,
the screaming black dolphins come out.
156
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,690
Oh, wow! Really?
I've heard they're just beautiful.
157
00:08:34,090 --> 00:08:35,650
What's going on, man?
158
00:08:35,730 --> 00:08:37,129
Oh, what's going on yourself?
159
00:08:38,249 --> 00:08:40,529
- I almost drowned yesterday.
- Oh, man!
160
00:08:40,649 --> 00:08:41,889
It's wet out here.
161
00:08:42,009 --> 00:08:43,489
Oh, look at them.
162
00:08:43,569 --> 00:08:45,049
They're magical, aren't they?
163
00:08:45,129 --> 00:08:48,249
Listen, Joan. I have
something very important to ask you.
164
00:08:48,329 --> 00:08:49,449
Hey, James.
Mmm-hmm.
165
00:08:49,569 --> 00:08:51,688
I'm gonna see how long
I can hold my breath.
166
00:08:51,808 --> 00:08:53,248
I see you breathing out your hole.
167
00:08:53,328 --> 00:08:54,328
What is it, Glenn?
168
00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:57,288
Joan, I've decided
I want to spend my life with you.
169
00:08:57,368 --> 00:08:58,968
Will you marry me?
170
00:08:59,608 --> 00:09:01,168
Of course I will.
171
00:09:01,488 --> 00:09:05,447
Nothing would make me
happier than to be Mrs. Quagmire.
172
00:09:06,247 --> 00:09:09,727
Hey, man.
I see you got some seaweed on your tail.
173
00:09:09,847 --> 00:09:11,207
Where? What? Oh!
174
00:09:11,287 --> 00:09:12,623
You know I'm just playing with you.
175
00:09:12,647 --> 00:09:13,647
Man, you are...
176
00:09:13,727 --> 00:09:16,126
Oh, I thought
you was talking about other seaweed.
177
00:09:16,206 --> 00:09:17,886
You know I got jokes.
178
00:09:19,046 --> 00:09:20,766
I'm gonna slap you with my fin.
179
00:09:26,086 --> 00:09:29,365
Man, I never would have thought
Quagmire would get married.
180
00:09:29,445 --> 00:09:31,165
No, no. I know Quagmire.
181
00:09:31,245 --> 00:09:33,565
And I'm telling you,
this has got to be some kind of prank.
182
00:09:33,605 --> 00:09:35,685
You know, like that prank
I pulled on Ashton Kutcher.
183
00:09:36,045 --> 00:09:37,645
Ashton, come here.
184
00:09:39,685 --> 00:09:41,404
You've just been tomahawked.
185
00:09:41,484 --> 00:09:43,444
That's my show. Tomahawked.
186
00:09:47,404 --> 00:09:48,644
So, how's the weaning going?
187
00:09:48,764 --> 00:09:49,884
Oh, it's horrible.
188
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:52,684
Giving up breast milk
is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
189
00:09:52,804 --> 00:09:56,043
I'll bet the founding fathers had
an easier time writing the Bill of Rights.
190
00:09:56,163 --> 00:09:57,203
All right, we're done.
191
00:09:57,283 --> 00:09:59,699
You think the language
in the Second Amendment is clear enough?
192
00:09:59,723 --> 00:10:02,019
- You know, about the right to bear arms?
- Of course it's clear.
193
00:10:02,043 --> 00:10:04,963
Every American has the right
to hang a pair of bear arms on their wall.
194
00:10:05,083 --> 00:10:06,683
How could that possibly be misconstrued?
195
00:10:06,803 --> 00:10:08,442
All right. Fantastic then.
196
00:10:08,562 --> 00:10:10,762
Wait. You know what?
Before we send this to the printer,
197
00:10:10,882 --> 00:10:12,282
let's take that abortion thing out.
198
00:10:14,402 --> 00:10:18,042
Boy, I never thought we'd be going
to Quagmire's for an engagement party.
199
00:10:18,162 --> 00:10:21,401
I'm telling you guys, he's putting us on.
He's the same old Quagmire.
200
00:10:21,481 --> 00:10:23,761
Hey there, neighbors. Are you lost?
201
00:10:23,841 --> 00:10:26,881
I'm just joshing. Of course
we're expecting you. Come on in, friends.
202
00:10:30,281 --> 00:10:32,880
Uh-uh, if you all will just
take your shoes off there.
203
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,640
Joan and I kind of do the Japanese thing.
204
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:38,720
Uh-oh, foot odor.
205
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,120
I have to go.
206
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:43,960
I have, uh, terrible foot odor.
207
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:46,559
Glenn, your place looks wonderful.
208
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,759
I feel like I can touch things in here now.
209
00:10:48,839 --> 00:10:50,759
We brought you guys a bottle of wine.
210
00:10:50,879 --> 00:10:52,839
Oh, Montrachet!
211
00:10:52,959 --> 00:10:54,279
I like our friends.
212
00:10:55,519 --> 00:10:58,239
So, Joan and I just love
Without a Trace, don't we, honey?
213
00:10:58,359 --> 00:10:59,974
- Yeah, it's all right.
- We think it's all right.
214
00:10:59,998 --> 00:11:01,918
What are you talking about? You hate CBS.
215
00:11:02,038 --> 00:11:04,438
Ooh. "Hate" is a word
we don't use in this house.
216
00:11:04,558 --> 00:11:07,638
Joan and I always say, " If you don't have
anything nice to say about someone,
217
00:11:07,718 --> 00:11:09,918
"don't say anything at all."
We say that, right, honey?
218
00:11:09,958 --> 00:11:11,437
- Sometimes.
- Sometimes we say that.
219
00:11:13,077 --> 00:11:15,917
Hey, Quagmire.
Check out this month's Hustler, huh.
220
00:11:15,997 --> 00:11:17,957
- Quagmire?
- Now, this is neat.
221
00:11:18,077 --> 00:11:20,837
These people have put
an old-fashioned Colonial spinning wheel
222
00:11:20,957 --> 00:11:23,957
in the center
of their living room, as furniture.
223
00:11:24,396 --> 00:11:26,436
Oh, that's what I want in my house.
224
00:11:30,076 --> 00:11:32,436
All right, Quagmire.
Time for your lap dance.
225
00:11:32,516 --> 00:11:34,996
No, guys. I can't do that.
It's degrading to women.
226
00:11:35,076 --> 00:11:36,956
Come on, Quagmire. It's got to be you.
227
00:11:37,036 --> 00:11:38,635
I'm married, Cleveland's got foot odor,
228
00:11:38,715 --> 00:11:40,435
and Joe's dead from the waist down.
229
00:11:42,715 --> 00:11:44,475
Why do you bring me here?
230
00:11:46,595 --> 00:11:49,075
Oh, Brian, my breasts are so sore.
231
00:11:49,155 --> 00:11:51,234
And they've gotten
so engorged from the weaning,
232
00:11:51,354 --> 00:11:53,234
I've gone up two bra sizes.
233
00:11:53,314 --> 00:11:55,634
What did you do with the old bras?
234
00:11:55,714 --> 00:11:58,034
Okay. Got to time this just right.
235
00:12:01,274 --> 00:12:03,273
One, two, three!
236
00:12:04,993 --> 00:12:07,153
Help! Somebody get this baby off me!
237
00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:09,433
Stewie! I'm so sorry.
238
00:12:09,553 --> 00:12:12,073
By the way, you call those
cheap implants boobs?
239
00:12:12,153 --> 00:12:14,353
Those aren't boobs. They are lies!
240
00:12:16,392 --> 00:12:17,552
I can't believe it.
241
00:12:17,632 --> 00:12:20,232
Quagmire's gone all
sissy-man Alan Alda on us!
242
00:12:20,312 --> 00:12:23,152
Well, what can we do about it?
The wedding's tomorrow.
243
00:12:23,232 --> 00:12:26,272
There's only one thing to do.
We got to break it up.
244
00:12:29,071 --> 00:12:31,591
Gosh, Peter,
thanks so much for being my best man.
245
00:12:31,671 --> 00:12:35,151
Oh, it's my pleasure.
In fact, I got a wedding surprise for you.
246
00:12:35,231 --> 00:12:37,111
All right, back it up, guys.
247
00:12:37,231 --> 00:12:40,951
I know you got a foot fetish
so I got you this Statue of Liberty's foot.
248
00:12:41,031 --> 00:12:44,070
Oh, thanks, Peter.
But Joan is all the foot I need now.
249
00:12:44,150 --> 00:12:47,150
What? But, Quagmire,
that's the real foot from the Statue...
250
00:12:47,270 --> 00:12:48,630
No, no. I'm okay.
251
00:12:48,710 --> 00:12:51,710
Hey, do you have any idea
what I went through to get this?
252
00:12:51,830 --> 00:12:53,430
A lot. A real lot.
253
00:12:53,550 --> 00:12:55,310
You think this is just,
"Oh, here comes Peter
254
00:12:55,429 --> 00:12:57,749
"with the Statue of Liberty's
foot. Oh, isn't that a gas?"
255
00:12:57,869 --> 00:13:02,189
No. No. The reality, the real reality
of getting this together was staggering.
256
00:13:02,269 --> 00:13:06,189
You know, this cost me $437,000.
257
00:13:06,309 --> 00:13:07,468
Don't ask me how I got it.
258
00:13:07,588 --> 00:13:10,828
I had to call in a whole bunch
of favors from people I've never even met.
259
00:13:10,908 --> 00:13:13,908
So the very least you can do
is just rub up against... I don't know.
260
00:13:14,028 --> 00:13:15,068
Well, if you want I can...
261
00:13:15,148 --> 00:13:18,308
No, no. No, no, it's fine. No. Whatever.
Whatever. Just go to your wedding, man.
262
00:13:19,388 --> 00:13:21,627
No. No. No. No. Take...
Just get it out of here.
263
00:13:25,667 --> 00:13:28,467
Peter, what's the matter?
This is a happy occasion.
264
00:13:28,587 --> 00:13:30,107
No, it's not, Lois. It's horrible.
265
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:32,547
You don't know what happens to a man
when he gets married.
266
00:13:32,627 --> 00:13:35,306
It's like a disease
that rots you from the inside out.
267
00:13:35,426 --> 00:13:37,706
I know, Peter, but... Oh, damn it.
268
00:13:37,786 --> 00:13:40,626
I can't believe
how much my breasts have swollen.
269
00:13:46,505 --> 00:13:48,705
Oh, look out. Champagne.
270
00:13:48,785 --> 00:13:50,105
Peter, stop.
271
00:13:52,105 --> 00:13:55,345
Oh, Lois, you're all wet.
Here, let me jiggle you dry.
272
00:13:58,825 --> 00:14:01,944
Giggity giggity God!
I've made a terrible mistake!
273
00:14:06,704 --> 00:14:09,664
Oh, my God, you blew it up.
274
00:14:10,024 --> 00:14:11,904
You really did it.
275
00:14:12,303 --> 00:14:14,823
Damn you all to hell!
276
00:14:22,423 --> 00:14:24,223
Oh, God. I got to get out of this marriage.
277
00:14:24,303 --> 00:14:25,878
Cleveland, how did you get out of yours?
278
00:14:25,902 --> 00:14:27,302
You slept with my wife.
279
00:14:27,422 --> 00:14:30,222
It's easy, Quagmire.
Just tell her to hit the bricks.
280
00:14:30,342 --> 00:14:32,182
Yeah. You've gotten
out of commitments before.
281
00:14:32,302 --> 00:14:34,062
Wow, that was great.
282
00:14:34,182 --> 00:14:35,542
Sure was. See you.
283
00:14:35,662 --> 00:14:37,422
But you said we were gonna get married.
284
00:14:37,542 --> 00:14:40,901
No. I only said that
so you'd googooity my geshmoigen.
285
00:14:46,661 --> 00:14:49,301
So, anyway, what I'm trying to tell you is,
286
00:14:49,421 --> 00:14:51,980
some of the guys thought
we should get a divorce.
287
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,100
What?
288
00:14:53,780 --> 00:14:56,620
But I told them they
didn't know what they were talking about.
289
00:14:56,700 --> 00:15:00,500
Good. Good. 'Cause if you ever left me,
I'd have to cut myself.
290
00:15:00,620 --> 00:15:02,980
And then I'd cut you.
291
00:15:03,659 --> 00:15:05,219
I love you, Glenn.
292
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:08,179
I love you, too, insane-woman-I'm-having-
second-thoughts-about.
293
00:15:08,299 --> 00:15:09,539
- What?
- All right.
294
00:15:16,139 --> 00:15:17,858
Yes. Sleep away, woman.
295
00:15:17,938 --> 00:15:20,738
But I'm here to claim
what's rightfully mine.
296
00:15:20,818 --> 00:15:22,338
Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
297
00:15:22,418 --> 00:15:24,698
Oh, that's the stuff. Yeah, yeah.
298
00:15:27,698 --> 00:15:29,697
Dear God! I've got to get a hold of myself.
299
00:15:29,777 --> 00:15:32,777
Look at me
sucking pilfered milk off a dirty carpet.
300
00:15:32,897 --> 00:15:35,337
I'm as pathetic
as the fat man when he tries to read.
301
00:15:36,137 --> 00:15:38,297
- Hey, Lois, what's this word?
- "Evel."
302
00:15:38,377 --> 00:15:39,617
- And this one?
- "Kneivel."
303
00:15:39,697 --> 00:15:40,697
- And this one?
- "Was."
304
00:15:40,777 --> 00:15:41,857
- And this one?
- "Born."
305
00:15:41,937 --> 00:15:42,937
- And this one?
- "In."
306
00:15:43,016 --> 00:15:44,936
- And this one?
- "Montana."
307
00:15:45,376 --> 00:15:48,576
Hey, Lois. Did you know
that Evel Kneivel was born in Montana?
308
00:15:51,976 --> 00:15:53,216
You didn't tell her?
309
00:15:53,336 --> 00:15:55,071
Look, I told you she was
gonna kill herself.
310
00:15:55,095 --> 00:15:56,175
What was I supposed to do?
311
00:15:56,295 --> 00:15:59,295
Let her. No, that's not funny.
312
00:15:59,415 --> 00:16:00,415
Wait a second.
313
00:16:00,495 --> 00:16:02,495
We know she's gonna be upset
if you dump her.
314
00:16:02,575 --> 00:16:04,791
But if something happened that
was out of your control...
315
00:16:04,815 --> 00:16:07,775
- What do you mean?
- I mean we're gonna fake your death.
316
00:16:07,895 --> 00:16:11,094
This is the best idea
I've had since I invented that soda.
317
00:16:11,174 --> 00:16:13,854
Gentlemen, I give you Crystal Pepsi.
318
00:16:13,934 --> 00:16:17,454
All the great taste of regular Pepsi
but without the troublesome opacity.
319
00:16:17,574 --> 00:16:19,334
Well, what if you're drinking
a regular Pepsi
320
00:16:19,454 --> 00:16:21,229
and somebody is coming at you
with a knife, huh?
321
00:16:21,253 --> 00:16:23,053
You won't be able to see him
past your Pepsi.
322
00:16:23,173 --> 00:16:25,453
And then, who's dead, huh? You.
323
00:16:25,573 --> 00:16:27,293
You! You're dead! Stabbed!
324
00:16:27,373 --> 00:16:28,613
Crystal Pepsi.
325
00:16:32,253 --> 00:16:33,852
All right, fellas. I think we did it.
326
00:16:33,972 --> 00:16:37,052
This may be
the most absolutely perfect fake death
327
00:16:37,172 --> 00:16:39,292
in the history of fake deaths.
328
00:16:40,492 --> 00:16:41,692
What do you guys want?
329
00:16:41,812 --> 00:16:44,092
Joan, um, you mind if we come in?
330
00:16:44,332 --> 00:16:46,891
There's, um... There's been an accident.
331
00:16:47,491 --> 00:16:49,851
This is, uh, not gonna be easy,
332
00:16:49,931 --> 00:16:52,251
but it's something you should see.
333
00:16:53,891 --> 00:16:56,091
So, anyway, here's Quagmire
walking through the park,
334
00:16:56,211 --> 00:16:57,491
minding his own business.
335
00:16:57,571 --> 00:17:00,010
I just happened to be there
with my video camera
336
00:17:00,130 --> 00:17:01,890
when a ninja shows up!
337
00:17:03,050 --> 00:17:04,730
And then a Nazi came!
338
00:17:06,130 --> 00:17:08,570
And then an evil pots-and-pans robot!
339
00:17:08,890 --> 00:17:10,250
Destroy.
340
00:17:10,370 --> 00:17:11,530
Destroy.
341
00:17:12,170 --> 00:17:14,809
I imagine you're probably wondering
what happened to the body.
342
00:17:14,929 --> 00:17:16,569
Well, we thought of that.
343
00:17:16,649 --> 00:17:19,089
Oh, no! Quagmire's dead!
344
00:17:19,169 --> 00:17:22,249
Wait! We might still be able to save...
Oh, no!
345
00:17:33,568 --> 00:17:36,408
We are so, so sorry for your loss.
346
00:17:36,488 --> 00:17:37,728
Is this a joke?
347
00:17:37,848 --> 00:17:40,607
I wish it were, Joan. I
wish it were a joke.
348
00:17:40,687 --> 00:17:42,767
But these things happen, you know?
349
00:17:42,847 --> 00:17:44,567
You go for a walk in the park one day,
350
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:48,087
and wheelchair ninjas, and Nazis, and
pots-and-pans robots show up to kill you,
351
00:17:48,207 --> 00:17:50,663
and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains.
You've seen the news.
352
00:17:50,687 --> 00:17:52,166
You're not fooling anyone.
353
00:17:52,286 --> 00:17:53,886
All right, fellows. Plan B.
354
00:17:54,006 --> 00:17:55,046
Plan B, Quagmire.
355
00:17:55,166 --> 00:17:56,726
Hi, honey. I'm home.
356
00:17:56,806 --> 00:17:58,326
Heart attack!
357
00:18:00,286 --> 00:18:03,326
Glenn, sweetheart! Is he all right?
358
00:18:03,446 --> 00:18:05,805
No, he's dead. I can tell. I'm a cop.
359
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:07,965
Oh, my God! Are you sure?
360
00:18:08,085 --> 00:18:11,965
You know what'll prove it?
When people die, they void their bowels.
361
00:18:12,085 --> 00:18:15,645
I said, when people die,
they void their bowels.
362
00:18:16,445 --> 00:18:18,204
Oh, my God!
363
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:20,404
What a jackass.
364
00:18:23,844 --> 00:18:26,004
- Well, you look a lot better.
- I did it, Brian!
365
00:18:26,084 --> 00:18:27,444
Through sheer force of will,
366
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,124
I kicked my addiction to breast milk.
367
00:18:29,244 --> 00:18:31,843
I just had to find a way
to make breasts seem repulsive.
368
00:18:31,963 --> 00:18:34,483
- Yeah. How did you do that?
- I watched In The Cut.
369
00:18:34,563 --> 00:18:37,683
Meg Ryan topless. No, thanks. No, thanks.
370
00:18:37,923 --> 00:18:40,923
Stewie, Mommy has a surprise for you.
371
00:18:41,043 --> 00:18:42,163
What are you doing?
372
00:18:42,243 --> 00:18:44,162
Oh, Brian, I thought
I was ready to wean him.
373
00:18:44,282 --> 00:18:46,322
But I just miss the bonding.
374
00:18:46,402 --> 00:18:49,762
No, no! No, put me down! I beg of you!
375
00:18:49,882 --> 00:18:52,162
I just kicked the stuff. Damn you!
376
00:18:52,842 --> 00:18:54,482
You sick, twisted...
377
00:18:54,682 --> 00:18:55,921
I hate you.
378
00:18:56,161 --> 00:18:57,441
I love it.
379
00:18:57,921 --> 00:18:59,441
I will kill you.
380
00:19:05,801 --> 00:19:07,921
You sure Quagmire's okay in there?
381
00:19:08,001 --> 00:19:10,160
No problem.
He's got half an hour of oxygen.
382
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,760
We'll sneak back later and dig him up.
383
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,440
Sorry, I'm late.
I had a meeting over at NBC about Joey.
384
00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:20,280
Death? What are you doing here?
Nobody's dying today.
385
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,959
Not according to my paperwork.
386
00:19:22,039 --> 00:19:24,439
Says here your buddy Quagmire
died of a heart attack.
387
00:19:24,559 --> 00:19:27,719
I got to tell you,
I always thought it would be rectal trauma.
388
00:19:30,519 --> 00:19:32,135
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the hell are you doing?
389
00:19:32,159 --> 00:19:33,839
Well, Mayor West is afraid of zombies.
390
00:19:33,919 --> 00:19:36,918
So the city says
all caskets must be encased in concrete.
391
00:19:37,038 --> 00:19:39,798
You'll thank me
when no one eats our brains.
392
00:19:39,878 --> 00:19:41,038
You'll thank me.
393
00:19:41,158 --> 00:19:44,438
Hold it! Stop the funeral.
Quagmire's not really dead.
394
00:19:46,678 --> 00:19:47,757
Zombie!
395
00:19:51,117 --> 00:19:53,477
Glenn, I thought I'd lost you.
396
00:19:53,557 --> 00:19:57,077
Sorry, Mr. Quagmire, but I still
need a body to take back with me.
397
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:59,757
- So...
- No, you can't take him.
398
00:20:03,676 --> 00:20:07,076
You know, this is probably not cool.
Just throwing it out there.
399
00:20:07,156 --> 00:20:09,556
- She was suicidal.
- She was?
400
00:20:09,636 --> 00:20:11,516
- Yeah, absolutely.
- I had heard that, too.
401
00:20:11,636 --> 00:20:13,115
And her last name was Quagmire.
402
00:20:13,235 --> 00:20:14,315
Well, good enough for me.
403
00:20:14,395 --> 00:20:16,755
I got to go. I got tickets to Celine Dion.
404
00:20:16,875 --> 00:20:20,155
I'm not gonna kill her,
I'm just gonna watch her die on her own.
405
00:20:20,275 --> 00:20:21,675
Anyone? Anyone?
406
00:20:22,835 --> 00:20:24,875
Ah, it's good to have you back, Quagmire.
407
00:20:24,955 --> 00:20:26,994
It's good to be back, Peter.
408
00:20:27,314 --> 00:20:30,594
Hey, Death, can you leave
that body here for another five minutes?
409
00:20:32,194 --> 00:20:33,514
That's Quagmire.