1 00:00:01,311 --> 00:00:04,501 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:07,840 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,932 --> 00:00:11,001 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,052 --> 00:00:13,971 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,022 --> 00:00:17,891 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,976 --> 00:00:20,844 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,398 --> 00:00:22,932 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,047 --> 00:00:24,347 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,415 --> 00:00:28,186 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:28,187 --> 00:00:31,687 ♪ Family Guy 10x05 ♪ Back to the Pilot Original Air Date on November 13, 2011 11 00:00:31,688 --> 00:00:35,188 == sync, corrected by elderman == 12 00:00:35,189 --> 00:00:36,120 Oh, hey, there you are. 13 00:00:36,121 --> 00:00:38,155 Hey, listen, I got something really cool I want you to see. 14 00:00:38,223 --> 00:00:39,256 What is it? 15 00:00:39,324 --> 00:00:41,191 This. I found it in the yard. 16 00:00:41,259 --> 00:00:42,226 A tennis ball. 17 00:00:42,293 --> 00:00:44,428 That's very impressive, Brian. 18 00:00:44,496 --> 00:00:46,230 Yeah, but don't tell the other dogs in the neighborhood. 19 00:00:46,297 --> 00:00:47,264 They'll be jealous. 20 00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:49,133 You son of a bitch. 21 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,300 And this is nothing. 22 00:00:50,368 --> 00:00:51,568 There's one tennis ball out there 23 00:00:51,636 --> 00:00:53,137 that's even cooler 'cause I peed on it. 24 00:00:53,204 --> 00:00:54,271 Buried it years ago. 25 00:00:54,339 --> 00:00:55,639 I just can't remember where. 26 00:00:55,707 --> 00:00:57,141 I'd give anything to find it, though. 27 00:00:57,208 --> 00:00:59,209 Well, if you could recall exactly when you buried it, 28 00:00:59,277 --> 00:01:00,644 I suppose I could help you out. 29 00:01:00,712 --> 00:01:02,112 I remember the exact day. 30 00:01:02,180 --> 00:01:04,415 January 31, 1999. 31 00:01:04,482 --> 00:01:06,417 Very well, follow me, Brian. 32 00:01:06,484 --> 00:01:08,252 Watch out for Ernie. 33 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:11,121 He's getting a CAT scan. 34 00:01:26,771 --> 00:01:29,339 Well, here we are. 35 00:01:29,407 --> 00:01:30,908 That's odd. 36 00:01:30,975 --> 00:01:33,410 It's our house, but somehow it looks a little different. 37 00:01:33,478 --> 00:01:35,212 Mom, my lips are too thin. 38 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,014 Can I please get collagen injections? 39 00:01:37,082 --> 00:01:39,216 Meg, you don't need to change the way you look. 40 00:01:39,284 --> 00:01:40,818 You know, most of the world's problems 41 00:01:40,885 --> 00:01:42,720 stem from poor self-image. 42 00:01:42,787 --> 00:01:44,221 Oh, my God, what's with Meg's voice? 43 00:01:44,289 --> 00:01:45,656 She sounds like someone 44 00:01:45,724 --> 00:01:47,591 who's about to give up a huge opportunity. 45 00:01:47,659 --> 00:01:49,093 That's nothing. Look at you. 46 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:51,829 You look like a prize at some Mexican church carnival. 47 00:01:51,896 --> 00:01:53,063 Excellent. 48 00:01:53,131 --> 00:01:54,798 The mind control device is nearing completion. 49 00:01:54,866 --> 00:01:57,401 Stewie, I said no toys at the table. 50 00:01:57,469 --> 00:01:58,669 Damn you, vile woman! 51 00:01:58,737 --> 00:02:00,304 You've impeded my work since the day 52 00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:02,039 I escaped from your wretched womb. 53 00:02:02,107 --> 00:02:03,574 Oh, don't pout, honey. 54 00:02:03,641 --> 00:02:06,376 You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were 55 00:02:06,444 --> 00:02:08,812 the happiest looking baby he'd ever seen. 56 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:09,847 But of course. 57 00:02:09,914 --> 00:02:11,315 That was my victory day. 58 00:02:11,382 --> 00:02:13,283 The fruition of my deeply-laid plans 59 00:02:13,351 --> 00:02:15,986 to escape from that cursed ovarian bastille. 60 00:02:16,054 --> 00:02:17,521 Return the device, woman! 61 00:02:17,589 --> 00:02:19,690 Geez. What, did you carry a thesaurus around with you? 62 00:02:19,758 --> 00:02:21,525 You know, it's amazing I could speak at all 63 00:02:21,593 --> 00:02:23,060 with that circumcision still healing. 64 00:02:23,128 --> 00:02:24,194 Hey, wait a minute, Stewie. 65 00:02:24,262 --> 00:02:25,362 That's the spot! 66 00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:26,697 That's where I buried my tennis ball! 67 00:02:26,765 --> 00:02:27,798 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 68 00:02:27,866 --> 00:02:28,799 Brian, what are you doing? 69 00:02:28,867 --> 00:02:30,200 You can't dig it up here. 70 00:02:30,268 --> 00:02:32,069 Just make a mental note of where you buried it, 71 00:02:32,137 --> 00:02:33,303 and as soon as we're back in the present, 72 00:02:33,371 --> 00:02:34,404 you can dig it up then. 73 00:02:34,472 --> 00:02:35,939 - Why? - Because we can't risk 74 00:02:36,007 --> 00:02:37,708 doing anything that alters the past. 75 00:02:37,776 --> 00:02:39,042 You know, I never got that. 76 00:02:39,110 --> 00:02:41,478 I mean, w-wouldn't you want to alter the past? 77 00:02:41,546 --> 00:02:43,714 I mean, you could make life better for yourself. 78 00:02:43,782 --> 00:02:45,716 And not just for yourself, for everyone. 79 00:02:45,784 --> 00:02:47,751 You-You could stop 9/11. 80 00:02:47,819 --> 00:02:50,254 Brian, there's one rule of time travel, and that is: 81 00:02:50,321 --> 00:02:52,222 Do not alter the past in any way 82 00:02:52,290 --> 00:02:53,957 or the consequences could be dire. 83 00:02:54,025 --> 00:02:54,958 Yeah, where'd you hear that? 84 00:02:55,026 --> 00:02:56,160 Quantum Leap. 85 00:02:56,227 --> 00:02:58,061 That guy changed the past all the time! 86 00:02:58,129 --> 00:02:59,329 Whoa, ass ahoy. 87 00:03:00,632 --> 00:03:01,765 Hey, Peter, it's 7:00 88 00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,066 and you've still got your pants on. 89 00:03:03,134 --> 00:03:04,034 What's the occasion? 90 00:03:04,102 --> 00:03:05,402 Ew, I remember this. 91 00:03:05,470 --> 00:03:07,337 Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing 92 00:03:07,405 --> 00:03:08,906 where it went over his nose. 93 00:03:08,973 --> 00:03:10,874 Come on, you're worrying about nothing. 94 00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:12,743 Oh? Remember when you got drunk 95 00:03:12,811 --> 00:03:14,478 off the communion wine at church? 96 00:03:14,546 --> 00:03:15,579 Ah! Ew! Gross! 97 00:03:15,647 --> 00:03:16,713 Look at that. 98 00:03:16,781 --> 00:03:19,116 Wait, what are they doing? 99 00:03:19,184 --> 00:03:20,284 I don't know. 100 00:03:20,351 --> 00:03:22,252 They're just standing there like zombies. 101 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:23,687 Do you think they're all right? 102 00:03:23,755 --> 00:03:26,123 I-I'm not sure. 103 00:03:26,191 --> 00:03:28,725 And then there was that time at the ice cream store. 104 00:03:30,962 --> 00:03:32,329 They're doing it again. What the hell? 105 00:03:32,397 --> 00:03:33,697 I-I'm at a loss. 106 00:03:33,765 --> 00:03:35,532 I mean, I know we're not supposed to mess with 107 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,901 the timeline, but should we call an ambulance? 108 00:03:37,969 --> 00:03:41,805 That is so creepy. 109 00:03:41,873 --> 00:03:43,740 And remember you had an Irish coffee 110 00:03:43,808 --> 00:03:46,310 the day we went to see Philadelphia? 111 00:03:46,377 --> 00:03:48,645 Oh. They're do-- they're setting up (bleep) cutaways. 112 00:03:48,713 --> 00:03:50,647 Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? 113 00:03:50,715 --> 00:03:52,082 Yeah, I mean, now, we just like 114 00:03:52,150 --> 00:03:54,551 return text messages and screw around and whatnot. 115 00:03:54,619 --> 00:03:56,687 Lois, I'm not going back to work tomorrow. 116 00:03:56,754 --> 00:03:58,388 That new boss has it in for me. 117 00:03:58,456 --> 00:04:00,757 He's meaner than a shifty salesman. 118 00:04:07,999 --> 00:04:09,499 You sure you got time to smoke? 119 00:04:09,567 --> 00:04:10,934 Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington. 120 00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:12,569 It goes on for a while. 121 00:04:12,637 --> 00:04:14,771 All right, look, we found out where your ball is buried. 122 00:04:14,839 --> 00:04:16,273 Now let's get back to our own time. 123 00:04:16,341 --> 00:04:17,708 Okay, get the return pad. Let's go. 124 00:04:17,775 --> 00:04:18,775 Not out here in the open. 125 00:04:18,843 --> 00:04:20,043 Someone could see us. 126 00:04:20,111 --> 00:04:21,812 Remember? No altering the timeline? 127 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:24,014 Come on, let's get up to my room. 128 00:04:24,082 --> 00:04:26,216 Hey, wait a minute, Stewie, I got to take a leak. 129 00:04:26,284 --> 00:04:27,584 Will it screw up the timeline 130 00:04:27,652 --> 00:04:29,553 if my future pee goes in a past toilet? 131 00:04:29,621 --> 00:04:31,755 Uh, no, as long as it goes in the toilet. 132 00:04:31,823 --> 00:04:33,490 One splash on a magazine in there, 133 00:04:33,558 --> 00:04:35,893 and we're getting chased by dinosaurs. 134 00:04:37,829 --> 00:04:39,763 Huh. Looks more or less the same. 135 00:04:39,831 --> 00:04:41,865 Oh, my God, my Japanese children's books. 136 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:43,400 I forgot about these. 137 00:04:43,468 --> 00:04:44,968 You Poop Now. 138 00:04:45,036 --> 00:04:47,204 Horton Hears a Suicide. 139 00:04:47,272 --> 00:04:50,007 The Little Engine That Will, Or Get Great Shame. 140 00:04:50,074 --> 00:04:51,074 Oh, there you are. 141 00:04:51,142 --> 00:04:52,109 All right, come on, Brian. 142 00:04:52,176 --> 00:04:53,210 Let's get out of here. 143 00:04:53,278 --> 00:04:54,478 Blast, that draggle-tailed, 144 00:04:54,545 --> 00:04:55,979 blunt-edged, matriarchal despot! 145 00:04:56,047 --> 00:04:57,948 Who the deuce does she think she is?! 146 00:04:58,016 --> 00:04:58,949 Quick, Brian, hide! 147 00:05:00,852 --> 00:05:03,987 I shall cleverly disguise this lethal plasma disruptor device 148 00:05:04,055 --> 00:05:06,323 as a tuna fish sandwich, whereupon I shall end 149 00:05:06,391 --> 00:05:08,692 that wretched woman's Draconian reign of tyranny! 150 00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:18,602 Oh. Hey. 151 00:05:18,670 --> 00:05:19,903 Who the deuce are you? 152 00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:23,040 Uh, well, I'm, uh... I'm you. 153 00:05:23,107 --> 00:05:25,642 You look like me, but that's utterly impossible. 154 00:05:25,710 --> 00:05:27,010 I'm afraid it's true. 155 00:05:27,078 --> 00:05:28,345 I'm you from the future. 156 00:05:28,413 --> 00:05:29,613 I've traveled back in time. 157 00:05:29,681 --> 00:05:30,981 That's absurd. 158 00:05:31,049 --> 00:05:33,383 Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future. 159 00:05:33,451 --> 00:05:35,986 I know about the Eddie Bauer catalog. 160 00:05:36,054 --> 00:05:37,587 It is you! 161 00:05:37,655 --> 00:05:39,589 Okay, bye, Lois. 162 00:05:39,657 --> 00:05:42,125 I'm going to the stag party. 163 00:05:42,193 --> 00:05:43,627 Brian, you might as well come out now. 164 00:05:43,695 --> 00:05:44,661 He knows everything. 165 00:05:48,333 --> 00:05:49,299 Uh-oh. 166 00:06:07,618 --> 00:06:08,885 Brian, are you all right? 167 00:06:08,953 --> 00:06:09,886 Yeah, I'm fine. 168 00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:10,988 Where'd you get that? 169 00:06:11,055 --> 00:06:12,255 The Stewie from the past has 170 00:06:12,323 --> 00:06:13,957 a lot more gadgets and things than I do. 171 00:06:14,025 --> 00:06:15,359 I've kind of slacked off a little bit. 172 00:06:15,426 --> 00:06:17,361 How's the party? Looks like fun. 173 00:06:17,428 --> 00:06:19,196 Hey, who wants to play "Drink the Beer"? 174 00:06:19,263 --> 00:06:20,230 Right here. 175 00:06:20,298 --> 00:06:21,665 - You win! - All right! 176 00:06:21,733 --> 00:06:23,633 - What do I win? - Another beer! 177 00:06:23,701 --> 00:06:26,570 Okay, take a last look, 'cause we're out of here. 178 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,038 Oh, look at that. 179 00:06:28,106 --> 00:06:29,906 There's the old gang we've gotten to know 180 00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:31,375 so well over the years. 181 00:06:34,278 --> 00:06:35,879 TV's not even plugged in. 182 00:06:41,753 --> 00:06:42,786 What is this? 183 00:06:42,854 --> 00:06:44,121 Where the hell are we? 184 00:06:44,188 --> 00:06:45,555 The air is electric 185 00:06:45,623 --> 00:06:48,025 here at Super Bowl 33 tonight. 186 00:06:48,092 --> 00:06:49,659 - Stewie, what's going on? - I don't know. 187 00:06:49,727 --> 00:06:50,994 For some reason, the time machine 188 00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:52,229 didn't take us back to the present. 189 00:06:52,296 --> 00:06:53,730 We're still in 1999. 190 00:06:53,798 --> 00:06:55,399 Wait a minute. I remember this. 191 00:06:55,466 --> 00:06:57,167 I think I'm up in that blimp. 192 00:06:59,437 --> 00:07:01,104 Amazing. You can barely drive a car, 193 00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:02,973 and yet you were allowed to fly a blimp? 194 00:07:03,041 --> 00:07:04,007 Yeah, America's great, isn't it? 195 00:07:04,075 --> 00:07:05,409 'Cept for the South. 196 00:07:05,476 --> 00:07:08,078 Oh, no wonder the return pad didn't take us all the way. 197 00:07:08,146 --> 00:07:09,780 The batteries are almost depleted. 198 00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:11,048 Are those D batteries? 199 00:07:11,115 --> 00:07:12,716 Yes, ever since we had that trouble in Germany, 200 00:07:12,784 --> 00:07:14,151 I found a way to convert it 201 00:07:14,218 --> 00:07:16,253 so it takes D batteries instead of uranium. 202 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:18,388 Only problem is, I didn't bring any cash with me. 203 00:07:18,456 --> 00:07:19,723 Did you? 204 00:07:19,791 --> 00:07:21,091 I don't think that's gonna be a problem. 205 00:07:22,794 --> 00:07:24,327 Oh, my God! Quick, grab some money! 206 00:07:26,531 --> 00:07:28,265 Do you, do you have pockets? 207 00:07:28,332 --> 00:07:29,766 Are you putting that in pockets? 208 00:07:29,834 --> 00:07:31,001 That's so cute. 209 00:07:35,306 --> 00:07:37,040 The crowd is storming the field! 210 00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:38,408 This is pandemonium! 211 00:07:51,456 --> 00:07:53,323 Quick, Brian, get on! 212 00:07:59,163 --> 00:08:00,697 Whoa, crash ahoy. 213 00:08:04,602 --> 00:08:06,903 Oh, God! Now where are we? 214 00:08:09,207 --> 00:08:12,509 Well, you know, I figured the sooner I cashed the check, 215 00:08:12,577 --> 00:08:14,344 the sooner they'd, uh, catch their mistake. 216 00:08:15,947 --> 00:08:17,848 Look, why are we making a federal case out of this? 217 00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:19,249 Oh, man, this is the day 218 00:08:19,317 --> 00:08:21,118 Peter went to court for his welfare fraud. 219 00:08:24,322 --> 00:08:25,255 Hey. 220 00:08:25,323 --> 00:08:26,857 Huh? Oh, hey. 221 00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:28,058 You're the Kool-Aid Guy. 222 00:08:28,126 --> 00:08:29,092 Yeah. 223 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:30,260 What are you doing? 224 00:08:30,328 --> 00:08:31,328 Just waiting. 225 00:08:31,395 --> 00:08:32,529 For what? 226 00:08:32,597 --> 00:08:33,964 I'm just waiting, dude-- relax. 227 00:08:34,031 --> 00:08:36,433 Hey, is there any place around here that sells batteries? 228 00:08:36,501 --> 00:08:37,667 Guys, d-don't distract me, all right? 229 00:08:37,735 --> 00:08:39,136 I gotta really be up. 230 00:08:39,203 --> 00:08:42,105 Mr. Griffin, I think your words have touched us all. 231 00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:44,808 I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison! 232 00:08:44,876 --> 00:08:46,243 Oh, no. Oh, no. 233 00:08:46,310 --> 00:08:47,477 Oh, no! Oh, no! 234 00:08:50,148 --> 00:08:52,149 So there's no organs or glands or anything, right? 235 00:08:52,216 --> 00:08:53,383 It's just the liquid? 236 00:08:53,451 --> 00:08:54,718 Yeah. Yeah, it's just the liquid. 237 00:08:54,785 --> 00:08:56,953 Um, I don't know if this is a weird question, 238 00:08:57,021 --> 00:08:59,089 but... can I have some? 239 00:08:59,157 --> 00:09:00,690 All right, fine. Tilt your head back, 240 00:09:00,758 --> 00:09:02,592 and I'll lean my liquid down into your mouth. 241 00:09:02,660 --> 00:09:04,060 Oh, now I don't want it. 242 00:09:04,128 --> 00:09:05,462 Oh, crap! Did I miss it?! 243 00:09:05,530 --> 00:09:08,798 Look, my husband may be a bit thoughtless at times; 244 00:09:08,866 --> 00:09:11,835 he may even be downright, well, stupid, 245 00:09:11,903 --> 00:09:15,405 but I know he only accepted that money because he... 246 00:09:15,473 --> 00:09:17,841 Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Yeah! 247 00:09:28,252 --> 00:09:29,553 You guys did this! 248 00:09:29,620 --> 00:09:31,288 You guys (bleep) did this! 249 00:09:31,355 --> 00:09:32,689 Talking about my guts?! 250 00:09:32,757 --> 00:09:34,124 me up?! you! 251 00:09:40,199 --> 00:09:41,104 Okay, this is good. 252 00:09:41,105 --> 00:09:42,238 We got the D batteries. 253 00:09:42,306 --> 00:09:43,306 Let's get back to the present. 254 00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:44,874 All right, get on. 255 00:09:51,415 --> 00:09:52,849 We made it. 256 00:09:52,916 --> 00:09:54,317 Yeah, the Super Bowl was cool, 257 00:09:54,385 --> 00:09:57,220 but frankly, no Tommy Brady, no Stewie likey. 258 00:09:57,287 --> 00:09:58,655 Brian, there you are! 259 00:09:58,722 --> 00:10:00,156 Come quick, they're about to announce 260 00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:02,291 the unveiling of your statue on the news. 261 00:10:02,359 --> 00:10:03,793 Statue?! For what? 262 00:10:03,861 --> 00:10:05,928 What do you think, Mr. National Hero? 263 00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:09,599 For stopping the 9/11 terrorist attacks and saving our country. 264 00:10:09,667 --> 00:10:11,034 Oh, you-- 265 00:10:11,101 --> 00:10:14,404 I can't even express how mad I am at you right now. 266 00:10:14,471 --> 00:10:15,772 If it wasn't for you, 267 00:10:15,839 --> 00:10:18,207 those planes would've hit the World Trade Center. 268 00:10:18,275 --> 00:10:19,842 Brian, what the hell did you do?! 269 00:10:19,910 --> 00:10:23,713 I, uh, may have told my former self about 9/11. 270 00:10:23,781 --> 00:10:25,715 What did I tell you about altering the past?! 271 00:10:25,783 --> 00:10:27,350 Wait-Wait, when did you even do that? 272 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,519 Well, you remember when I said I was going to take a leak? 273 00:10:29,586 --> 00:10:31,054 Brian, you shouldn't have done that. 274 00:10:31,121 --> 00:10:33,690 Who knows what unforeseen consequences are awaiting us. 275 00:10:33,757 --> 00:10:35,491 Saddam Hussein could be president. 276 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:37,860 Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. 277 00:10:37,928 --> 00:10:39,962 Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook! 278 00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:41,497 What is this? 279 00:10:41,565 --> 00:10:42,932 Cookiebook. 280 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:43,900 Brian! 281 00:10:43,967 --> 00:10:45,301 Hurry, it's starting! 282 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:48,404 Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. 283 00:10:48,472 --> 00:10:49,972 And I'm Joyce Kinney. 284 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,709 Our top story: Quahog prepares to unveil a new statue 285 00:10:52,776 --> 00:10:54,677 commemorating perhaps its greatest hero ever. 286 00:10:54,745 --> 00:10:56,379 That's right, Tom. 287 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:59,148 It was ten years ago that an almost inconceivable plot 288 00:10:59,216 --> 00:11:00,750 to destroy the World Trade Center 289 00:11:00,818 --> 00:11:03,419 was thwarted by Quahog's own Brian Griffin. 290 00:11:03,487 --> 00:11:05,955 This amateur video captured Griffin's heroism 291 00:11:06,023 --> 00:11:08,458 in the face of a shadowy terrorist organization called-- 292 00:11:08,525 --> 00:11:10,359 holy (bleep), look at all those vowels-- 293 00:11:10,427 --> 00:11:13,763 Al Qua-aye-eeda. 294 00:11:13,831 --> 00:11:15,998 Here. Make sure you get all this. 295 00:11:17,901 --> 00:11:20,837 Time to terrorize the terrorists. 296 00:11:20,904 --> 00:11:23,306 Ugh. You prepared catch phrases for yourself? 297 00:11:23,373 --> 00:11:25,208 No. Not necessarily. 298 00:11:27,411 --> 00:11:29,712 Mohammed Atta stayed home. 299 00:11:29,780 --> 00:11:31,114 Nobody knows that guy's name yet. 300 00:11:31,181 --> 00:11:33,416 You're using information that nobody knows. 301 00:11:34,852 --> 00:11:37,253 Houston, we have a solution. 302 00:11:37,321 --> 00:11:39,856 Houston's for space, not everyday air travel. 303 00:11:39,923 --> 00:11:42,391 Tell them to ground every plane out of the East Coast. 304 00:11:42,459 --> 00:11:43,793 Seacrest out. 305 00:11:48,132 --> 00:11:49,665 Wow. What a hero. 306 00:11:49,733 --> 00:11:51,434 Coming up next in sports: 307 00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:53,236 Arizona Cardinal Pat Tillman 308 00:11:53,303 --> 00:11:55,304 tackled by his own team? 309 00:11:55,372 --> 00:11:56,973 Oh, Brian, we're so proud of you. 310 00:11:57,040 --> 00:11:58,174 Yeah, buddy. 311 00:11:58,242 --> 00:11:59,609 Great job stopping those terrorists. 312 00:11:59,676 --> 00:12:01,110 And thank God their follow-up attack 313 00:12:01,178 --> 00:12:02,912 on St. Louis was a bust. 314 00:12:04,815 --> 00:12:06,115 We missed! 315 00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,851 Brian, I promise you, all of this can only end badly. 316 00:12:08,919 --> 00:12:10,153 Stewie, it's fine. 317 00:12:10,220 --> 00:12:11,621 I prevented 9/11. 318 00:12:11,688 --> 00:12:13,489 How could that possibly be a bad thing? 319 00:12:13,557 --> 00:12:15,691 I mean, come on, I-I saved, like, 200 lives. 320 00:12:15,759 --> 00:12:16,759 3,000. 321 00:12:16,827 --> 00:12:18,294 Wow! 3,000?! 322 00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:20,396 Oh, you knew what you were doing there. 323 00:12:20,464 --> 00:12:22,431 This major breaking news just in. 324 00:12:22,499 --> 00:12:24,000 Nine Southern states have declared 325 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:25,835 that they are seceding from the United States. 326 00:12:25,903 --> 00:12:27,036 The announcement came 327 00:12:27,104 --> 00:12:29,005 from former President George W. Bush, 328 00:12:29,072 --> 00:12:30,540 who reformed the Confederacy 329 00:12:30,607 --> 00:12:33,876 after a bitter loss in his 2004 reelection bid. 330 00:12:33,944 --> 00:12:35,578 Bush lost in 2004? 331 00:12:35,646 --> 00:12:36,712 Yeah, he probably couldn't 332 00:12:36,780 --> 00:12:38,815 exploit people's fears with no 9/11. 333 00:12:38,882 --> 00:12:40,049 Bush appeared before the press today 334 00:12:40,117 --> 00:12:41,651 to make this brief statement. 335 00:12:41,718 --> 00:12:42,985 If anyone out there can get 336 00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:44,754 their hands on a clown's suitcase, 337 00:12:44,822 --> 00:12:47,056 I'd very much like to see what's inside of there. 338 00:12:47,124 --> 00:12:49,358 I think we have the wrong clip. 339 00:12:49,426 --> 00:12:51,694 What? No? 340 00:12:51,762 --> 00:12:53,529 It... this...? 341 00:12:53,597 --> 00:12:55,698 Uh, okay, that was George W. Bush 342 00:12:55,766 --> 00:12:57,834 declaring civil war on the Northern states. 343 00:12:57,901 --> 00:12:59,936 Oh, my God! Civil war? 344 00:13:00,003 --> 00:13:01,337 See, Brian? 345 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:02,772 This is exactly what I was talking about. 346 00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:04,340 Look, Stewie, this doesn't necessarily mean 347 00:13:04,408 --> 00:13:05,875 things are going to turn out badly. 348 00:13:05,943 --> 00:13:07,577 In fact, I bet, five years from now, 349 00:13:07,644 --> 00:13:09,812 the world will still be better off for what I did. 350 00:13:09,880 --> 00:13:11,180 Is that so? 351 00:13:11,248 --> 00:13:12,849 Well, Brian, if you're that sure of yourself, 352 00:13:12,916 --> 00:13:14,851 then let's go five years into the future, 353 00:13:14,918 --> 00:13:16,686 and you can prove me wrong. Fine. 354 00:13:28,332 --> 00:13:29,999 Wow. This is the future? 355 00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:31,934 Everything looks slicker. 356 00:13:32,002 --> 00:13:33,769 Hey, Lois, I found some double-sided tape. 357 00:13:33,837 --> 00:13:35,738 I think I can do about seven minutes worth 358 00:13:35,806 --> 00:13:37,206 of funny stuff with it. 359 00:13:37,274 --> 00:13:38,975 That should get us to the Meg kissing booth story. 360 00:13:39,042 --> 00:13:41,544 Wow. Things have gotten kind of lazy, huh? 361 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:42,845 Hey, Peter. 362 00:13:42,913 --> 00:13:45,014 Thanks for letting me borrow your screwdriver set. 363 00:13:45,082 --> 00:13:47,483 You know, I just want to say how nice it is 364 00:13:47,551 --> 00:13:49,819 to be back here with y'all on Spooner Street. 365 00:13:49,887 --> 00:13:52,388 Oh, I guess things didn't work out in Virginia. 366 00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:54,624 Chris, I heard you got a "D" on your report card. 367 00:13:54,691 --> 00:13:55,958 Here's a cutaway. 368 00:13:56,026 --> 00:13:58,761 Matthew McConaughey is terrible. 369 00:13:58,829 --> 00:14:00,129 Good Lord! What's happened to us? 370 00:14:00,197 --> 00:14:01,764 Okay, maybe things seem a little off, 371 00:14:01,832 --> 00:14:03,666 but other than that, the world seems okay. 372 00:14:03,734 --> 00:14:05,101 Which proves my point. 373 00:14:05,168 --> 00:14:07,703 Me stopping 9/11 led to a world that's just fine. 374 00:14:07,771 --> 00:14:09,805 Well, I'll see y'all tomorrow. 375 00:14:17,481 --> 00:14:20,016 Brian, you might want to look outside. 376 00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:21,884 Oh, my God! 377 00:14:30,294 --> 00:14:32,161 Oh, oh! Pebble in my shoe! 378 00:14:32,229 --> 00:14:34,630 Pebble in my shoe. Pebble in my shoe. 379 00:14:34,698 --> 00:14:36,098 Nice work, Bri. 380 00:14:36,166 --> 00:14:37,867 Whoops. 381 00:14:37,935 --> 00:14:40,069 Well, at least Joe gets to be a cyborg. 382 00:14:47,477 --> 00:14:48,778 Freeze, Frogmire. 383 00:14:48,845 --> 00:14:50,780 You are out past curfew, 384 00:14:50,847 --> 00:14:53,516 and therefore, in violation of local ordinance. 385 00:14:53,583 --> 00:14:54,417 Ribbity. 386 00:15:02,791 --> 00:15:04,258 What the hell happened? 387 00:15:04,326 --> 00:15:06,360 Could I really have caused all this? 388 00:15:06,428 --> 00:15:08,529 It says here that the new American civil war 389 00:15:08,597 --> 00:15:10,631 you set into motion ended up in a series 390 00:15:10,699 --> 00:15:13,634 of concentrated nuclear strikes all along the Eastern Seaboard. 391 00:15:13,702 --> 00:15:16,036 It killed 17 million people. 392 00:15:16,104 --> 00:15:17,371 Oh. 393 00:15:17,439 --> 00:15:19,006 - Including Cesar Millan. - No! 394 00:15:19,074 --> 00:15:20,874 Okay, okay, I get it-- Stewie, I screwed up. 395 00:15:20,942 --> 00:15:22,509 All right? I shouldn't have altered the past. 396 00:15:22,577 --> 00:15:23,844 Is there anything we can do? 397 00:15:23,912 --> 00:15:25,913 Well, the only way to fix this is to return 398 00:15:25,981 --> 00:15:28,148 to the moment when we first arrived in the past 399 00:15:28,216 --> 00:15:30,484 and stop you from spilling the beans about 9/11. 400 00:15:30,552 --> 00:15:32,186 Okay. Okay, let's do it. 401 00:15:38,159 --> 00:15:39,393 Whoa, ass ahoy. 402 00:15:39,461 --> 00:15:40,794 All right, look, there we are. 403 00:15:40,862 --> 00:15:42,262 Hey, uh, Peter, it's 7:00 404 00:15:42,330 --> 00:15:43,697 and you've still got your pants on. 405 00:15:43,765 --> 00:15:44,632 What's the occasion? 406 00:15:44,699 --> 00:15:45,699 Stop! Both of you! 407 00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:46,900 What the hell? Who are you? 408 00:15:46,968 --> 00:15:48,268 We're you, from the future. 409 00:15:48,336 --> 00:15:50,037 Oh, boy, this can't be good news. 410 00:15:50,105 --> 00:15:51,939 Who screwed up? Take a wild guess. 411 00:15:52,007 --> 00:15:54,008 - What did I do? - Well, nothing yet, but listen. 412 00:15:54,075 --> 00:15:55,576 Whatever you do, you cannot tell 413 00:15:55,644 --> 00:15:58,145 your former self-- that Brian-- about 9/11. 414 00:15:58,213 --> 00:16:01,215 If you do, America as you know it will cease to exist. 415 00:16:01,282 --> 00:16:02,449 My God, Brian. What the hell? 416 00:16:02,517 --> 00:16:03,651 We've been here two minutes, 417 00:16:03,718 --> 00:16:05,352 and already you've destroyed America. 418 00:16:05,420 --> 00:16:07,321 Okay, okay. I promise I won't say anything. 419 00:16:07,389 --> 00:16:10,357 Also, if you don't give that Stewie a back rub, 420 00:16:10,425 --> 00:16:12,159 it really messes everything up. 421 00:16:14,663 --> 00:16:16,463 All right, can we go now? 422 00:16:21,202 --> 00:16:22,770 Did that do it? 423 00:16:22,837 --> 00:16:23,837 Did we restore the past? 424 00:16:23,905 --> 00:16:24,872 Well, let's check. 425 00:16:24,939 --> 00:16:27,441 "9/11." 426 00:16:27,509 --> 00:16:28,776 Oh, there it is. 427 00:16:28,843 --> 00:16:30,110 We did it, Brian. 428 00:16:30,178 --> 00:16:31,545 We made 9/11 happen. 429 00:16:31,613 --> 00:16:32,880 High five! All right! All right! 430 00:16:32,947 --> 00:16:34,214 Yeah! High five! 431 00:16:34,282 --> 00:16:35,349 Wow, that... that probably 432 00:16:35,417 --> 00:16:37,084 wouldn't look very good out of context. 433 00:16:37,152 --> 00:16:39,687 There's the writer of the Harry Potter series. 434 00:16:39,754 --> 00:16:42,523 Must be weird hanging out with us Muggles, huh, Brian? 435 00:16:42,590 --> 00:16:43,524 Yeah. 436 00:16:43,591 --> 00:16:45,292 Well, laundrium insertum. 437 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:46,660 Huh? 438 00:16:46,728 --> 00:16:48,095 Oh, my God. 439 00:16:48,163 --> 00:16:49,596 All right, you obviously have no self-control, 440 00:16:49,664 --> 00:16:51,999 so we've got to go back and do this again. 441 00:16:54,636 --> 00:16:55,469 Whoa, ass ahoy. 442 00:16:55,537 --> 00:16:56,570 All right, let's go. 443 00:16:56,638 --> 00:16:57,838 Hey, uh, Peter, it's 7:00 444 00:16:57,906 --> 00:16:59,206 and you've still got your pants on. 445 00:16:59,274 --> 00:17:00,841 Oh, yeah, that's right. We were just here. 446 00:17:00,909 --> 00:17:02,309 Wait! 447 00:17:02,377 --> 00:17:03,844 Who the devil are you? 448 00:17:03,912 --> 00:17:05,412 We're from the future. So are we. 449 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:06,647 We're from the further future. 450 00:17:06,715 --> 00:17:07,915 We came to stop you. 451 00:17:07,982 --> 00:17:09,216 Why? What they did 452 00:17:09,284 --> 00:17:11,051 actually turns out to be damage-free. 453 00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:12,853 It's what you're about to do-- stopping them-- 454 00:17:12,921 --> 00:17:14,688 that causes utter bedlam. 455 00:17:14,756 --> 00:17:16,323 Oh, come on. 456 00:17:16,391 --> 00:17:17,558 Wait! Stop! 457 00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:19,293 We're from the further further future. 458 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:21,295 What you guys do eventually works out. 459 00:17:21,362 --> 00:17:22,863 It's what you two are about to do 460 00:17:22,931 --> 00:17:24,264 that ruins everything! 461 00:17:24,332 --> 00:17:25,466 Stop! Don't do anything! 462 00:17:25,533 --> 00:17:26,867 Oh, for God's sake. 463 00:17:26,935 --> 00:17:28,802 We're from the further further further future. 464 00:17:28,870 --> 00:17:30,370 What these two do is fine. 465 00:17:30,438 --> 00:17:32,795 It's what you two do that makes things worse. 466 00:17:32,796 --> 00:17:33,863 - Stop! - Wait! 467 00:17:33,888 --> 00:17:34,508 - Hold it! - Stop! 468 00:17:34,509 --> 00:17:35,809 - Wait! - No! 469 00:17:35,877 --> 00:17:36,944 Hold it! Stop! 470 00:17:37,011 --> 00:17:38,112 I don't know what I'm doing here. 471 00:17:38,179 --> 00:17:39,079 I'm just looking for the can. 472 00:17:39,147 --> 00:17:40,447 - Don't move! - Hold it! 473 00:17:40,515 --> 00:17:41,448 - Freeze! - Stop! 474 00:17:41,516 --> 00:17:42,516 - Wait! - No! 475 00:17:42,584 --> 00:17:43,917 Oh, for God's sake, why? 476 00:17:43,985 --> 00:17:45,285 This is why! 477 00:17:45,353 --> 00:17:46,653 - Don't move! - Hold it! 478 00:17:46,721 --> 00:17:47,821 - Freeze! - Stop! 479 00:17:47,889 --> 00:17:49,223 - No! - Wait! 480 00:17:49,290 --> 00:17:51,325 Oh, my God. What's that? 481 00:17:51,392 --> 00:17:52,726 I don't know what happened. 482 00:17:52,794 --> 00:17:54,595 This is life for some reason. 483 00:17:54,662 --> 00:17:56,430 Don't do whatever you're about to do. 484 00:17:56,498 --> 00:17:57,798 God help us. 485 00:17:57,866 --> 00:17:59,666 This is no way to live. 486 00:18:04,372 --> 00:18:06,073 No, don't do it! Halt! 487 00:18:15,717 --> 00:18:19,186 All right, everybody, shut the hell up! 488 00:18:19,254 --> 00:18:21,188 All right, this is (bleep), all right? 489 00:18:21,256 --> 00:18:22,756 I can't follow what's going on anymore, 490 00:18:22,824 --> 00:18:24,892 and I'm assuming the rest of you can't, either. 491 00:18:24,959 --> 00:18:26,860 So let's make this easy and take a vote. 492 00:18:26,928 --> 00:18:28,796 How many think we should prevent 9/11? 493 00:18:28,863 --> 00:18:31,265 Raise your hands. 494 00:18:31,332 --> 00:18:33,133 One, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight, nine... 495 00:18:33,201 --> 00:18:34,835 Okay, all right, looks like 42. 496 00:18:34,903 --> 00:18:36,503 All right, who votes "yes 9/11?" 497 00:18:40,708 --> 00:18:41,875 Okay, all right, 57. 498 00:18:41,943 --> 00:18:43,110 All right, 9/11 wins. 499 00:18:43,178 --> 00:18:44,745 Wait, wait, shouldn't it be an even number? 500 00:18:44,813 --> 00:18:46,213 Why is the total an odd number? 501 00:18:46,281 --> 00:18:48,348 Oh, yeah, I think one of the Brians died. 502 00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:50,284 What? What do you mean? I don't know-- one of them 503 00:18:50,351 --> 00:18:51,585 landed here with its throat slit. 504 00:18:51,653 --> 00:18:53,220 But wait, if one of me is dead, 505 00:18:53,288 --> 00:18:54,688 then shouldn't all the me's be dead? 506 00:18:54,756 --> 00:18:56,690 Brian, I-I don't... I... it's... 507 00:18:56,758 --> 00:18:58,158 I don't... I don't know anymore. I-I... 508 00:18:58,226 --> 00:18:59,960 You know what? I guess not. A-All right? 509 00:19:00,028 --> 00:19:01,929 Okay, listen up-- everybody, get back 510 00:19:01,996 --> 00:19:04,164 in your individual time machines very carefully. 511 00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:05,566 Nobody touch anything. 512 00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:06,900 No Harry Potter novels. 513 00:19:06,968 --> 00:19:08,402 Don't step on a bug. 514 00:19:08,469 --> 00:19:10,404 Don't give earlier yous investment advice. 515 00:19:10,471 --> 00:19:12,840 Just go back to where you came from, and stay there! 516 00:19:32,093 --> 00:19:33,260 There. 517 00:19:33,328 --> 00:19:34,628 Now, we're going to do what we 518 00:19:34,696 --> 00:19:36,029 should have done in the first place. 519 00:19:36,097 --> 00:19:37,531 Get on. 520 00:19:40,802 --> 00:19:43,136 Wait a minute. Isn't this where we just were? 521 00:19:43,204 --> 00:19:44,271 Where are the other two us's? 522 00:19:44,339 --> 00:19:45,772 They're not here yet. 523 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,008 Just to make sure there are absolutely no loose ends, 524 00:19:48,076 --> 00:19:49,910 I've sent us back in time to the moment 525 00:19:49,978 --> 00:19:52,012 just before you and I originally arrived. 526 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:53,747 Why? You'll see. 527 00:19:53,815 --> 00:19:55,716 Get the (bleep) back in your time machine! 528 00:19:55,783 --> 00:19:57,084 Aah! Who are you? 529 00:19:57,151 --> 00:19:58,385 Never mind who I am! 530 00:19:58,453 --> 00:19:59,887 Just get back in your time machine, 531 00:19:59,954 --> 00:20:01,822 get back to the present, and stay there! 532 00:20:01,890 --> 00:20:03,724 Look, just calm down. Aah! 533 00:20:03,791 --> 00:20:05,626 You gonna flap your lips or you gonna do what I said? 534 00:20:05,693 --> 00:20:06,760 Okay, okay! 535 00:20:06,828 --> 00:20:08,896 All right! God! 536 00:20:08,963 --> 00:20:10,297 You just talked to yourself. 537 00:20:10,365 --> 00:20:11,498 Won't that alter the past? 538 00:20:11,566 --> 00:20:12,933 Don't worry, Brian. 539 00:20:13,001 --> 00:20:15,002 If I was successful in restoring the past just now, 540 00:20:15,069 --> 00:20:16,770 you and I will never have existed. 541 00:20:16,838 --> 00:20:18,572 The chronological tangent that created us 542 00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:19,740 will have been erased. 543 00:20:19,807 --> 00:20:21,675 Oh. Is it going to hurt? 544 00:20:21,743 --> 00:20:23,644 Just a little. 545 00:20:23,711 --> 00:20:25,279 Ow. 546 00:20:32,086 --> 00:20:33,687 Oh, God, my leg is killing me. 547 00:20:33,755 --> 00:20:35,522 Well, time travel is risky. 548 00:20:35,613 --> 00:20:37,347 Every time you step into that machine, 549 00:20:37,415 --> 00:20:38,515 you invite the possibility 550 00:20:38,583 --> 00:20:40,350 of altering the world as we know it. 551 00:20:40,418 --> 00:20:41,718 Thankfully, the alternate versions of us 552 00:20:41,786 --> 00:20:43,253 were there to prevent us from doing 553 00:20:43,321 --> 00:20:44,555 whatever it is we apparently did. 554 00:20:45,036 --> 00:20:46,904 I wonder what it was. We'll never know. 555 00:20:47,469 --> 00:20:48,836 But look on the bright side. 556 00:20:48,904 --> 00:20:51,072 You might be sitting here with a hole in your leg, 557 00:20:51,140 --> 00:20:52,907 but at least our present universe hasn't been affected. 558 00:20:52,975 --> 00:20:54,576 Sorry, guys. I'm gonna need the couch. 559 00:20:54,643 --> 00:20:56,777 The gang and I are gonna watch the game. 560 00:20:57,150 --> 00:20:59,770 All right, let's unplug the TV and get going. 561 00:20:59,771 --> 00:21:03,771 == sync, corrected by elderman ==