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00:00:02,480 --> 00:00:05,722
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,855 --> 00:00:09,224
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:09,258 --> 00:00:12,577
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:15,430
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:15,464 --> 00:00:18,717
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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00:00:18,751 --> 00:00:22,470
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:24,307 --> 00:00:25,757
♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:25,791 --> 00:00:27,291
♪ He's... a...
fam... ily... guy! ♪
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00:00:27,316 --> 00:00:31,316
♪ Family Guy 11x10 ♪
Brian's Play
Original Air Date on January 13, 2013
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00:00:31,341 --> 00:00:36,341
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:38,853
Wow, I'm so excited
for Brian.
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00:00:38,888 --> 00:00:40,522
Remember, kids--
if it's terrible,
14
00:00:40,556 --> 00:00:43,141
at the end, we all say,
"You did it!"
15
00:00:43,175 --> 00:00:44,643
I can't believe we're
going to the theater
16
00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:47,045
the same day Chris
drowned a mouse in a puddle.
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00:00:47,079 --> 00:00:49,614
I mean, don't we need a day
to clear our heads?
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00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:50,799
Boy, this takes me back.
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00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:52,000
You know, I was, uh...
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00:00:52,051 --> 00:00:53,868
kind of one of those theater
kids in high school.
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00:00:53,903 --> 00:00:56,588
♪ Suddenly Seymour...
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00:00:56,622 --> 00:00:58,606
♪ Suddenly Seymour...
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♪ He purified me
24
00:01:00,609 --> 00:01:02,927
♪ He purified you
25
00:01:02,962 --> 00:01:04,896
♪ Suddenly Seymour...
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00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:07,832
♪ Suddenly Seymour...
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00:01:07,867 --> 00:01:10,702
Mrs. Andrews, I pooped
in the pot again.
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00:01:10,736 --> 00:01:13,004
I'm gonna need somebody
to clean me up.
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00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,541
It's really bad this time.
30
00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:18,009
Wow, what a turnout.
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00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:19,294
Oh, hey, there's Glenn.
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00:01:19,328 --> 00:01:20,311
Hey, guys.
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00:01:20,329 --> 00:01:21,680
Hey, this is my date,
Consuela.
34
00:01:21,714 --> 00:01:23,698
No, no, no.
35
00:01:23,733 --> 00:01:25,283
Okay, we're here
as friends,
36
00:01:25,317 --> 00:01:27,485
but I'm gonna change
your mind one day.
37
00:01:30,723 --> 00:01:32,323
Oh, I'm so proud of Brian.
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00:01:32,358 --> 00:01:34,042
It's hard to believe
he's the same dog
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00:01:34,076 --> 00:01:36,428
who barked at a pineapple
for four hours.
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00:01:36,462 --> 00:01:38,663
Close your purse.
I can see your tampons.
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00:01:38,698 --> 00:01:40,165
And why do you need six?
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00:01:40,199 --> 00:01:42,167
What happens to you?
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00:01:42,201 --> 00:01:43,518
There's the man
of the hour.
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00:01:43,552 --> 00:01:44,669
Hey, Brian, can you believe
45
00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:46,738
I found this blazer
on the side of the highway?
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00:01:46,772 --> 00:01:48,239
Hey, guys.
Thanks for coming.
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00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:50,508
Big night, Brian.
How you feeling?
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00:01:50,543 --> 00:01:51,509
Well, a little nervous.
49
00:01:51,544 --> 00:01:52,694
I just want it to go well.
50
00:01:52,728 --> 00:01:53,745
Fingers crossed.
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00:01:53,779 --> 00:01:55,046
Will there be
an intermission?
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00:01:55,081 --> 00:01:56,681
Because that will determine
whether or not
53
00:01:56,716 --> 00:01:59,117
I bring this empty Gatorade
bottle into the theater.
54
00:01:59,151 --> 00:02:00,518
This is
unacceptable!
55
00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:02,070
Sorry, guys,
I got to go.
56
00:02:02,121 --> 00:02:04,339
They didn't put masking tape
over a seat for Tom Tucker
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00:02:04,373 --> 00:02:06,024
and he's in there
pitching a fit.
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00:02:06,058 --> 00:02:07,098
Do you
know who I am?!
59
00:02:07,109 --> 00:02:08,426
I'm Tom Tucker,
damn it!
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00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:11,663
I make more in an hour
than you make in two hours!
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00:02:11,697 --> 00:02:14,015
Oh, the play's about to start.
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Mom, am I going to fit
in the seat
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00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,887
or is this going to be
like last time?
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This should tide you
over for a while.
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00:02:21,891 --> 00:02:24,359
I'll come back
as soon as I can.
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00:02:26,245 --> 00:02:28,129
She's not coming
back, you know.
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00:02:28,164 --> 00:02:29,364
How do you know that?
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00:02:29,398 --> 00:02:31,433
'Cause she's
my mom, too.
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00:02:33,819 --> 00:02:36,855
Excuse me, that's my seat.
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00:02:38,073 --> 00:02:40,308
We'll talk
about this at home.
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00:02:41,343 --> 00:02:42,377
Let's see.
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Who's in this thing?
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00:02:43,412 --> 00:02:44,412
Sad. Nobody.
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00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:46,214
Sad. Sad. Nobody.
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00:02:46,248 --> 00:02:47,315
Victor Garber?
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00:02:47,349 --> 00:02:48,416
That's pretty good.
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00:02:48,451 --> 00:02:49,751
How did he get Victor...?
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00:02:49,785 --> 00:02:50,919
Oh, of course.
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00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:52,871
Tonight it's Randall Evan
Battincourt.
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00:02:52,905 --> 00:02:54,339
God, I hate understudies.
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00:02:54,373 --> 00:02:55,573
King Louis the Sixteenth
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has been sentenced to death
by guillotine.
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00:02:59,829 --> 00:03:01,496
The part of King Louis
the Sixteenth
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00:03:01,530 --> 00:03:04,132
will be played
by Jean de Menard.
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00:03:05,634 --> 00:03:07,268
Relax, you're
going to do great.
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00:03:10,639 --> 00:03:11,790
Nailed it.
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00:03:15,861 --> 00:03:17,028
Well, as usual,
88
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this is gonna suck
for one of us.
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00:03:20,883 --> 00:03:23,218
Donna? It's Grant,
your new husband.
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Hi, honey.
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00:03:24,386 --> 00:03:25,787
I've got great news.
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00:03:25,821 --> 00:03:26,938
What is it?
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00:03:26,972 --> 00:03:28,840
First, where do we keep
the good scotch?
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00:03:28,874 --> 00:03:30,508
At your brother's house.
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00:03:32,778 --> 00:03:35,613
I got an audition for the
hottest new play in town.
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00:03:35,648 --> 00:03:37,482
This could really
make my career
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and we can finally
start our family.
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00:03:39,485 --> 00:03:40,585
What's it called?
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00:03:40,619 --> 00:03:41,920
A Passing Fancy.
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00:03:43,088 --> 00:03:45,023
That's the name of this play.
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00:03:45,057 --> 00:03:47,492
How did he do that?
How did he do that?!
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00:03:49,028 --> 00:03:50,161
Here, Donna.
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00:03:50,196 --> 00:03:52,163
I got you your ten-year
anniversary present.
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00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,531
Suntan lotion?
105
00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:54,999
But we live
in the Northeast.
106
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:56,701
That's right, we do.
107
00:03:56,735 --> 00:03:59,771
Unless we were moving
to California.
108
00:03:59,805 --> 00:04:01,673
He must've got the part.
109
00:04:01,707 --> 00:04:03,541
When he going
to meet Evita?
110
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,577
Not every play is Evita.
111
00:04:05,611 --> 00:04:07,645
Oh, no.
I feel terrible.
112
00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:09,347
Why?
Don't you want to go?
113
00:04:09,381 --> 00:04:12,400
No-- I got you
a parka.
114
00:04:13,786 --> 00:04:17,021
Those two are never
on the same page.
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00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:20,091
Wait for the look...
116
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,696
And that's why it works.
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Donna, don't go!
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It's not too late.
We can still start our family.
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00:04:32,304 --> 00:04:33,304
Don't you see?
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00:04:33,339 --> 00:04:35,039
You already have
a family.
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00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:36,574
It's right there.
122
00:04:38,744 --> 00:04:40,879
Those won't keep you
warm at night.
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00:04:40,913 --> 00:04:42,513
Good-bye, Grant.
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00:04:42,548 --> 00:04:43,882
It's funny, isn't it?
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00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:47,785
All these years, I was
the passing fancy.
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00:04:57,796 --> 00:05:00,715
Get up, you jerk.
127
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:18,433
Wow, that was amazing!
128
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,551
I mean, usually,
the shows suck in this town.
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00:05:20,569 --> 00:05:23,237
Like Moishe, the low-energy
Bar Mitzvah clown.
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00:05:23,272 --> 00:05:25,423
Ooh, what's this?
131
00:05:25,457 --> 00:05:26,491
A quarter.
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00:05:26,525 --> 00:05:28,626
I found it behind
your ear earlier.
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00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,628
All right, that's enough
tricks for you.
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00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:33,164
I'm going to go lie
down on the coats.
135
00:05:38,470 --> 00:05:40,154
Hey, has anybody seen
the review yet?
136
00:05:40,189 --> 00:05:41,306
No, we've been waiting for you.
137
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:42,290
Thanks.
138
00:05:42,324 --> 00:05:44,025
Oh, here it is.
139
00:05:44,059 --> 00:05:47,895
"Here's hoping A Passing Fancy
is actually a staying fancy.
140
00:05:47,930 --> 00:05:50,865
"The highest praise goes
to playwright Brian Griffin
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00:05:50,899 --> 00:05:52,800
"for his hilarious
and insightful look
142
00:05:52,835 --> 00:05:54,235
"into modern relationships.
143
00:05:54,269 --> 00:05:56,638
"If you see only one play
as an adult,
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00:05:56,672 --> 00:05:58,339
I urge you to see this one."
145
00:05:58,374 --> 00:05:59,641
Hey, can you read
that page
146
00:05:59,675 --> 00:06:01,559
with all the little paragraphs
about dead people?
147
00:06:01,593 --> 00:06:02,927
Those are hilarious.
148
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:04,879
This is amazing, Brian.
How do you feel?
149
00:06:04,913 --> 00:06:06,447
You're a hit!
150
00:06:06,482 --> 00:06:07,749
It's... overwhelming.
151
00:06:07,783 --> 00:06:09,884
This is all I've ever wanted,
you know?
152
00:06:09,918 --> 00:06:12,704
For people to appreciate
and respect my writing.
153
00:06:12,738 --> 00:06:14,305
I want to write
a play!
154
00:06:14,340 --> 00:06:15,573
Aw, that's cute, Stewie.
155
00:06:15,607 --> 00:06:16,774
Maybe someday.
156
00:06:16,809 --> 00:06:17,875
No, I'm going
to write a play.
157
00:06:17,910 --> 00:06:19,243
I can do lots
of things.
158
00:06:19,278 --> 00:06:21,646
I was the human resources
director for the Muppets.
159
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,748
Mr. Beaker, it is my
unfortunate task
160
00:06:23,782 --> 00:06:25,283
to inform you
that your services
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00:06:25,317 --> 00:06:27,418
will no longer be required
by this company.
162
00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:30,555
Well, if you must know,
163
00:06:30,589 --> 00:06:32,223
it's because we've
noticed large quantities
164
00:06:32,257 --> 00:06:33,791
of benzene, ephedrine
165
00:06:33,826 --> 00:06:35,860
and everyday Epsom salt
have gone missing.
166
00:06:37,196 --> 00:06:38,196
Oh, please.
167
00:06:38,230 --> 00:06:39,397
We both know those
are the ingredients
168
00:06:39,431 --> 00:06:40,898
used to make
crystal meth.
169
00:06:40,933 --> 00:06:42,300
And I've got
a pretty good idea
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00:06:42,334 --> 00:06:43,968
who you've been
selling it to as well.
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00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:45,236
Oh, hey, uh, Beaker,
172
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:46,637
when you're done
talking to your friend,
173
00:06:46,655 --> 00:06:47,805
I want to, uh, eh...
174
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,540
I want to talk to you
about that thing.
175
00:06:52,544 --> 00:06:53,795
Hey, what you doing?
176
00:06:53,829 --> 00:06:55,596
I was going to start
rehearsing my new play.
177
00:06:55,631 --> 00:06:56,798
Want to hear it?
178
00:06:56,832 --> 00:06:58,716
Oh, you actually wrote
a little play.
179
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,718
Aw, boy, I wish
I could hang out,
180
00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,904
but it has just
gotten so crazy.
181
00:07:02,938 --> 00:07:04,555
Really?
I know, right?
182
00:07:04,590 --> 00:07:06,290
I mean, I'm not
complaining, you know?
183
00:07:06,325 --> 00:07:08,359
But I just... I want
my old life back.
184
00:07:09,645 --> 00:07:10,678
I'm just kidding,
of course.
185
00:07:10,713 --> 00:07:12,413
I'm so grateful,
you know?
186
00:07:12,448 --> 00:07:14,298
I mean, every
performance is sold out
187
00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:15,767
and they just added
a Wednesday matinee.
188
00:07:15,801 --> 00:07:17,185
It's great.
189
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:18,553
I mean, there's only
one thing I'm not getting
190
00:07:18,587 --> 00:07:19,554
out of this experience.
191
00:07:19,588 --> 00:07:20,755
What's that?
Sleep.
192
00:07:21,857 --> 00:07:23,274
No, no, I'm so
grateful, really.
193
00:07:23,308 --> 00:07:25,176
It's just that I'm-I'm
so busy all the time.
194
00:07:25,210 --> 00:07:26,444
But it's great.
It's all great.
195
00:07:26,478 --> 00:07:28,279
Well, do you think you might
have time to read it?
196
00:07:28,313 --> 00:07:29,480
All right, all right.
197
00:07:29,515 --> 00:07:30,765
But be patient,
all right?
198
00:07:30,799 --> 00:07:32,400
I've got interviews and
appearances all week.
199
00:07:32,434 --> 00:07:33,634
I mean, they're squeezing
200
00:07:33,669 --> 00:07:35,030
every last drop they
can out of me,
201
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,571
like a bottle of ketchup.
202
00:07:38,123 --> 00:07:39,991
Listen, we've been at this
for 15 minutes.
203
00:07:40,025 --> 00:07:41,609
I don't think anything's
coming out.
204
00:07:41,643 --> 00:07:43,244
I'm fine.
I can keep going.
205
00:07:43,278 --> 00:07:44,695
I'm just really tired.
206
00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,530
What if I stick my finger
in your hole?
207
00:07:46,548 --> 00:07:48,866
Eh, that only works
when I'm already close.
208
00:07:52,488 --> 00:07:54,555
The American play was dying.
209
00:07:54,590 --> 00:07:57,024
Have-have we brought it
back to life here?
210
00:07:57,059 --> 00:07:59,594
I can't say that,
but it has a pulse.
211
00:07:59,628 --> 00:08:01,696
You're such an amazing
writer, Brian.
212
00:08:01,730 --> 00:08:03,831
How do you do it?
What's your process?
213
00:08:03,866 --> 00:08:06,684
Oh, God, Allison,
how do I even answer that?
214
00:08:06,718 --> 00:08:09,487
Uh, I mean, what's
a rainbow's process?
215
00:08:09,521 --> 00:08:13,524
Two parts rain, one part sun,
one part childlike wonder.
216
00:08:13,559 --> 00:08:14,992
What we do know, though,
217
00:08:15,027 --> 00:08:18,329
is that the end result
in both cases is joy.
218
00:08:20,032 --> 00:08:21,349
Wow.
219
00:08:21,383 --> 00:08:23,317
Wow, are you glad you left
the lighthouse now, Seamus?
220
00:08:23,352 --> 00:08:24,819
Oh, I think so, Seamus!
221
00:08:24,853 --> 00:08:26,871
Excuse me, I noticed
you were talking loud,
222
00:08:26,905 --> 00:08:28,473
so that means you're smart.
223
00:08:28,507 --> 00:08:30,408
But would you mind--
and I hate asking--
224
00:08:30,442 --> 00:08:32,043
but would you mind
signing this?
225
00:08:32,077 --> 00:08:33,811
Is this guy giving you
a hard time, Brian?
226
00:08:33,846 --> 00:08:34,846
Nah, he's all right.
227
00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:35,947
All right. Cool, cool.
228
00:08:35,981 --> 00:08:37,248
How you doing, buddy?
229
00:09:32,404 --> 00:09:33,938
My God.
230
00:09:33,972 --> 00:09:36,741
It's miraculous.
231
00:09:39,278 --> 00:09:40,962
Hey, Brian, can you
read my play?
232
00:09:42,197 --> 00:09:44,315
Sorry, there was a fart
trapped in the play.
233
00:09:50,747 --> 00:09:52,181
Hey, Jasper, how are you?
234
00:09:52,215 --> 00:09:53,182
Hey, Brian!
235
00:09:53,216 --> 00:09:55,050
Congratulations
on your new play.
236
00:09:55,085 --> 00:09:56,285
Oh, thanks.
237
00:09:56,319 --> 00:09:57,820
What's wrong?
You look awful.
238
00:09:57,854 --> 00:09:58,988
What happened?
239
00:09:59,022 --> 00:10:00,456
I read the play Stewie wrote.
240
00:10:00,490 --> 00:10:02,024
She writes plays now?
241
00:10:02,058 --> 00:10:03,759
Yes, and it was brilliant.
242
00:10:03,793 --> 00:10:06,362
Jasper, I've never read anything
like it in my life.
243
00:10:06,396 --> 00:10:08,914
It was insightful and fresh
and intelligent.
244
00:10:08,948 --> 00:10:10,849
It's like his play
is mocking me.
245
00:10:10,884 --> 00:10:12,418
He wrote it in a night.
246
00:10:12,452 --> 00:10:15,571
Ugh, that's how I feel whenever
I see Brad Goreski on Bravo.
247
00:10:15,605 --> 00:10:17,539
God, everyone's on Bravo but me.
248
00:10:17,574 --> 00:10:20,109
Anyhoo, have you told him
how good it is?
249
00:10:20,143 --> 00:10:21,343
No. I just read it.
250
00:10:21,361 --> 00:10:23,028
He gave it to me
'cause he wanted my feedback.
251
00:10:23,063 --> 00:10:24,196
Okay, listen to me.
252
00:10:24,230 --> 00:10:26,331
Tell Stewie it's awful,
it's garbage.
253
00:10:26,366 --> 00:10:27,833
Do whatever
you have to do, Brian,
254
00:10:27,867 --> 00:10:29,601
but never let him know
he's got talent.
255
00:10:29,636 --> 00:10:30,703
Yeah, you're right.
256
00:10:30,737 --> 00:10:32,237
It won't be so hard.
257
00:10:32,272 --> 00:10:34,173
After all, I've
certainly done worse.
258
00:10:34,207 --> 00:10:36,308
I replaced Peter's
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
259
00:10:36,342 --> 00:10:37,776
with real butter.
260
00:10:40,447 --> 00:10:43,348
Buh... wuh... suh... muh-wuh...
261
00:10:43,383 --> 00:10:46,118
I... I can't...
I can't believe...
262
00:10:46,152 --> 00:10:47,953
Muh... wuh...
263
00:10:49,305 --> 00:10:50,723
I don't know, Doctor.
264
00:10:50,757 --> 00:10:53,058
Looking back, I think it
may have been real butter.
265
00:10:53,093 --> 00:10:55,477
Your husband murdered
three children.
266
00:10:58,798 --> 00:11:00,833
Oh, my God.
Look at this.
267
00:11:00,867 --> 00:11:02,401
Brian, get in here.
268
00:11:02,435 --> 00:11:03,435
What?
269
00:11:03,486 --> 00:11:05,120
Your play has
been nominated
270
00:11:05,155 --> 00:11:08,824
for a local Hoggy Award
for Best Creative Anything.
271
00:11:08,858 --> 00:11:10,242
Oh, that's great.
272
00:11:10,276 --> 00:11:12,678
Um, I'm gonna...
273
00:11:12,712 --> 00:11:14,997
I'm going to go get some air.
274
00:11:16,616 --> 00:11:17,649
Look at that.
275
00:11:17,684 --> 00:11:19,051
Nominated
for an award.
276
00:11:19,085 --> 00:11:20,636
What have you
two done today?
277
00:11:20,670 --> 00:11:22,971
I found a lump
under one of my balls.
278
00:11:23,006 --> 00:11:24,506
Okay, that's
something.
279
00:11:24,541 --> 00:11:26,608
I ate three quarters
of an Entenmann's strudel.
280
00:11:26,643 --> 00:11:29,144
Youse are good kids.
281
00:11:32,315 --> 00:11:35,734
Hey, so did you get
a chance to read my play?
282
00:11:35,769 --> 00:11:37,269
Uh... I did.
283
00:11:37,303 --> 00:11:38,403
I did.
284
00:11:38,438 --> 00:11:39,505
Ooh, I'm so nervous.
285
00:11:39,539 --> 00:11:40,806
What'd you think?
286
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,324
Stewie, you and I
are friends, right?
287
00:11:42,358 --> 00:11:43,308
Yeah, I mean,
I know you
288
00:11:43,343 --> 00:11:44,476
through our mutual
friend Greg,
289
00:11:44,511 --> 00:11:46,245
but sure, I'd say
we're friends now.
290
00:11:46,279 --> 00:11:47,529
Exactly. And-and
as your friend,
291
00:11:47,564 --> 00:11:49,398
you'd want me to be
honest with you, right?
292
00:11:49,432 --> 00:11:50,432
Totally.
293
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:51,633
It wasn't good.
294
00:11:51,668 --> 00:11:52,968
Oh, no, really?
295
00:11:53,002 --> 00:11:55,270
Oh, I worked
so hard on it.
296
00:11:55,305 --> 00:11:58,340
Oh, I thought it
was good. Aw.
297
00:11:58,374 --> 00:12:01,493
Oh, I know, I wanted it
to be good so much.
298
00:12:01,544 --> 00:12:03,328
Oh, I am so bummed out
right now.
299
00:12:03,363 --> 00:12:05,531
I-I... Now I don't even know
if I should submit it.
300
00:12:05,565 --> 00:12:07,199
Wha... Submit it?
301
00:12:07,233 --> 00:12:08,517
Yeah, I was planning
to submit it
302
00:12:08,551 --> 00:12:10,018
to the Roundabout Theater
Company in New York.
303
00:12:10,053 --> 00:12:11,253
No! I mean...
304
00:12:11,287 --> 00:12:12,927
Oh, I mean, that-that
would be a bad idea.
305
00:12:12,956 --> 00:12:14,323
Definitely not.
306
00:12:14,357 --> 00:12:16,625
No, no, they won't let
you down easy like I did.
307
00:12:16,659 --> 00:12:19,328
New York can be pretty harsh,
especially to outsiders.
308
00:12:19,362 --> 00:12:21,296
Hello, New York!
309
00:12:23,249 --> 00:12:25,384
Ugh, maybe you're right.
I'll think about it.
310
00:12:25,418 --> 00:12:28,003
Anyway, can I have that back?
It's my only copy.
311
00:12:28,037 --> 00:12:29,238
Your only copy?
312
00:12:29,272 --> 00:12:30,322
Yes.
313
00:12:30,356 --> 00:12:31,640
And thank you
for being a good friend
314
00:12:31,674 --> 00:12:32,941
and telling me
the truth, Brian.
315
00:12:32,976 --> 00:12:34,376
I know that was
hard for you.
316
00:12:34,410 --> 00:12:36,678
And to show my appreciation
for reading my play,
317
00:12:36,713 --> 00:12:38,514
I made you this.
318
00:12:39,883 --> 00:12:41,083
Wow, "good dog."
319
00:12:41,117 --> 00:12:42,584
And it's official?
320
00:12:42,619 --> 00:12:44,002
That's what it says,
doesn't it?
321
00:12:44,037 --> 00:12:46,355
I wish my dad was
alive to see this.
322
00:13:02,138 --> 00:13:03,272
Hey.
323
00:13:03,306 --> 00:13:04,456
Who the hell
are you?
324
00:13:04,490 --> 00:13:06,425
I'm the guy Stewie pays
to watch him sleep.
325
00:13:06,459 --> 00:13:07,492
Who are you?
326
00:13:07,527 --> 00:13:09,094
I'm Brian.
I live here.
327
00:13:09,128 --> 00:13:10,395
Oh.
328
00:13:10,446 --> 00:13:12,064
Do you mind if
I take this script?
329
00:13:12,098 --> 00:13:13,332
Yeah, sure, whatever.
330
00:13:13,366 --> 00:13:14,850
He just pays me
to watch him sleep
331
00:13:14,884 --> 00:13:17,286
and rub this knife
across my face while I do it.
332
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,987
Oh.
333
00:13:19,022 --> 00:13:20,739
Okay.
334
00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:24,243
Hey, how much
does Stewie pay you?
335
00:13:24,294 --> 00:13:25,911
$4,800 a week.
336
00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:28,263
Yeah.
337
00:13:31,901 --> 00:13:33,151
Hey, Brian.
338
00:13:33,186 --> 00:13:34,219
Oh, hey, Stewie.
339
00:13:34,254 --> 00:13:35,587
Listen, have you
seen my play?
340
00:13:35,622 --> 00:13:37,422
You know, Stewie,
I have seen your play,
341
00:13:37,457 --> 00:13:39,892
and it is
exhilarating to me.
342
00:13:39,926 --> 00:13:41,860
A child's play is one of
343
00:13:41,895 --> 00:13:43,579
the most beautiful
things in the world.
344
00:13:43,613 --> 00:13:45,547
Continue to play,
little one.
345
00:13:45,582 --> 00:13:47,149
You're our future.
346
00:13:47,183 --> 00:13:48,951
What the are
you talking about?
347
00:13:48,985 --> 00:13:50,586
The play I wrote.
Have you seen it?
348
00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:52,471
Uh, I don't know.
Let me call my lawyer.
349
00:13:52,505 --> 00:13:54,022
Hello. I'm being
cross-examined.
350
00:13:54,057 --> 00:13:56,158
No, I haven't...
I haven't seen it.
351
00:13:56,192 --> 00:13:58,232
Really? 'Cause I had it
sitting right on my table...
352
00:13:58,261 --> 00:13:59,894
I said I haven't
seen it, all right!
353
00:13:59,913 --> 00:14:01,647
And what does it matter?
It was terrible anyway!
354
00:14:01,681 --> 00:14:02,748
We've had this conversation!
355
00:14:02,782 --> 00:14:04,283
Do yourself a favor
and move on!
356
00:14:04,317 --> 00:14:06,151
Well, that's interesting, Brian,
because I found this
357
00:14:06,185 --> 00:14:08,870
buried in the backyard
next to your soup bone.
358
00:14:10,006 --> 00:14:11,039
Stewie, I...
359
00:14:11,074 --> 00:14:12,674
You tried to destroy it,
didn't you?
360
00:14:12,709 --> 00:14:14,109
I knew my play was good.
361
00:14:14,143 --> 00:14:16,411
Just like I knew your play
was a mediocre patchwork
362
00:14:16,446 --> 00:14:18,747
of hackneyed ideas
and tired clichés.
363
00:14:18,781 --> 00:14:20,882
You have no idea how hard it was
364
00:14:20,917 --> 00:14:23,352
to sit in that theater
with all those braying hyenas.
365
00:14:23,386 --> 00:14:25,354
Couldn't you tell
something was up
366
00:14:25,388 --> 00:14:27,623
when Chris and the fat man
could follow the plot?
367
00:14:27,657 --> 00:14:30,859
I mean, it took Peter a year
to figure out Stuart Little.
368
00:14:31,894 --> 00:14:33,228
I just figured it out.
369
00:14:33,263 --> 00:14:34,429
"Stuart" means "mouse."
370
00:14:34,464 --> 00:14:36,531
No, Peter.
371
00:14:36,566 --> 00:14:38,400
"Little" means "mouse"?
372
00:14:38,434 --> 00:14:39,601
No, Peter.
373
00:14:39,636 --> 00:14:42,938
I feel so old
and in the way.
374
00:14:42,972 --> 00:14:44,289
It's still a good play!
375
00:14:44,324 --> 00:14:45,891
It's filled with terrible
double entendres,
376
00:14:45,925 --> 00:14:47,559
puns and stolen bits.
377
00:14:47,593 --> 00:14:49,194
There's a line in there
from Seinfeld!
378
00:14:49,228 --> 00:14:50,829
I never saw that episode!
379
00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:51,930
I have a voice.
380
00:14:51,965 --> 00:14:52,998
Do you understand that?
381
00:14:53,032 --> 00:14:54,800
A writer needs a voice,
and I have one.
382
00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:56,234
You don't.
383
00:14:56,269 --> 00:14:58,754
Your play panders to the lowest
common denominator, Brian.
384
00:14:58,788 --> 00:15:00,789
And it doesn't even
do that well.
385
00:15:00,823 --> 00:15:01,523
Shut up!
386
00:15:01,557 --> 00:15:02,891
May every person
387
00:15:02,925 --> 00:15:04,760
that laughs at your
sophomoric effort
388
00:15:04,794 --> 00:15:06,928
be a reminder
of your eternal mediocrity
389
00:15:06,962 --> 00:15:10,048
and pierce your heart
like a knife.
390
00:15:18,925 --> 00:15:20,292
Come here, you bastard!
391
00:15:23,162 --> 00:15:24,179
You stink!
392
00:15:24,213 --> 00:15:25,514
And your play stinks!
393
00:15:25,548 --> 00:15:27,516
This ain't about me, is it?
394
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,121
No.
395
00:15:33,156 --> 00:15:35,357
And I'm sorry...
396
00:15:35,391 --> 00:15:38,293
but nobody can ever know that.
397
00:15:43,583 --> 00:15:45,517
Donna? It's Grant,
your new husband!
398
00:15:45,551 --> 00:15:46,551
Hi, honey.
399
00:15:46,586 --> 00:15:47,936
I've got
great news.
400
00:15:47,970 --> 00:15:48,970
What is it?
401
00:15:49,005 --> 00:15:50,872
First, where do we keep
the good scotch?
402
00:15:50,907 --> 00:15:52,407
At your
brother's house.
403
00:15:55,078 --> 00:15:57,112
Lois, can I have
my birthday here?
404
00:15:57,146 --> 00:15:58,897
Seems to be going well.
405
00:15:58,931 --> 00:16:00,082
What do you want?
406
00:16:00,116 --> 00:16:01,733
Wanted to share
a bit of good news.
407
00:16:01,768 --> 00:16:03,502
I just found out
that my play
408
00:16:03,536 --> 00:16:05,504
is going to be
produced on Broadway.
409
00:16:05,538 --> 00:16:06,905
What?
410
00:16:06,939 --> 00:16:09,875
And I'm taking Randall
Evan Battincourt with me.
411
00:16:09,909 --> 00:16:11,276
Hi, Stewie.
I'll be right there.
412
00:16:11,310 --> 00:16:13,078
I just got to
finish this crap.
413
00:16:19,370 --> 00:16:21,087
Hey, I need you
to take me to New York
414
00:16:21,121 --> 00:16:22,772
for the opening night
of my play.
415
00:16:22,806 --> 00:16:23,857
No way.
416
00:16:23,891 --> 00:16:25,575
Besides, I checked,
and there's no play
417
00:16:25,609 --> 00:16:27,443
by Stewie Griffin
opening in New York.
418
00:16:27,478 --> 00:16:28,758
I submitted it
under a pseudonym.
419
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:31,014
They think it was written
by Tony Dovolani.
420
00:16:31,048 --> 00:16:33,616
I thought your pseudonym
was Gorgeous Randy Flamethrower.
421
00:16:33,651 --> 00:16:35,652
That's my dodge ball
pseudonym.
422
00:16:35,686 --> 00:16:37,020
Look, if you won't take me,
423
00:16:37,054 --> 00:16:39,174
I'm sure the New York Theater
League would send a car.
424
00:16:39,190 --> 00:16:40,857
New York Theater League? Why?
425
00:16:40,891 --> 00:16:43,059
Because they're throwing
a welcome dinner in my honor.
426
00:16:43,093 --> 00:16:44,160
Really?
427
00:16:44,195 --> 00:16:46,129
Well, I guess I could
clear my schedule.
428
00:16:46,163 --> 00:16:47,697
Oh, you won't
regret it, Brian.
429
00:16:47,731 --> 00:16:50,767
All the most important
Broadway people will be there.
430
00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:53,636
Playwrights, money men,
even Stanley Kowalski.
431
00:16:53,671 --> 00:16:54,804
Hi. I'm Michael.
432
00:16:54,838 --> 00:16:57,223
Michael!
433
00:16:57,258 --> 00:16:59,475
Michael!
434
00:16:59,510 --> 00:17:01,511
Um, and this is my wife, Nancy.
435
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:03,629
Nancy!
436
00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:06,499
Nancy!
437
00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:09,936
And this is our Uzbekistani
friend, Bokyavroychesku.
438
00:17:09,970 --> 00:17:11,104
Hi.
439
00:17:18,375 --> 00:17:20,379
Stewie, don't you think you're
overdoing it with that outfit.
440
00:17:20,404 --> 00:17:22,854
I don't wear anything I can't
take off with a flourish.
441
00:17:26,242 --> 00:17:27,942
Wow, this is amazing.
442
00:17:27,977 --> 00:17:29,744
Every major
playwright is here.
443
00:17:29,778 --> 00:17:31,880
Yes, and it seems to be
quite a successful party.
444
00:17:31,914 --> 00:17:34,182
Several of them have
already committed suicide.
445
00:17:34,216 --> 00:17:35,283
Great party.
446
00:17:35,301 --> 00:17:36,634
Totally!
447
00:17:37,686 --> 00:17:38,720
Hey, Tony.
448
00:17:38,754 --> 00:17:40,422
Oh, my God,
that's David Mamet.
449
00:17:40,456 --> 00:17:41,656
There's the man
of the evening.
450
00:17:41,674 --> 00:17:44,392
I read your play,
An American Marriage.
451
00:17:44,427 --> 00:17:47,378
It was incredibly raw.
I was pretty damn impressed.
452
00:17:47,413 --> 00:17:48,446
Oh, thank you, David.
453
00:17:48,481 --> 00:17:50,532
David, this is Brian.
Brian, David.
454
00:17:50,566 --> 00:17:51,516
Oh, it's an honor.
455
00:17:51,550 --> 00:17:52,817
Listen, I just
want to say
456
00:17:52,852 --> 00:17:54,652
what an inspiration
Glengarry Glen Ross was to me
457
00:17:54,687 --> 00:17:56,121
when I was writing
my own play.
458
00:17:56,155 --> 00:17:57,372
Easy.
459
00:17:57,406 --> 00:17:58,740
Is that
Tony Dovolani?
460
00:17:58,774 --> 00:18:00,275
Hello. Alan Bennett.
461
00:18:00,309 --> 00:18:01,810
Fantastic play.
462
00:18:01,844 --> 00:18:03,478
And I'm
Yasmina Reza.
463
00:18:03,512 --> 00:18:05,180
Oh, are you his night nurse?
464
00:18:05,214 --> 00:18:06,714
No, I'm
a playwright.
465
00:18:06,749 --> 00:18:08,383
I wrote Art and
God of Carnage.
466
00:18:08,417 --> 00:18:09,751
I won
a Pulitzer.
467
00:18:09,785 --> 00:18:12,187
You want to say your
grade point average, too?
468
00:18:12,221 --> 00:18:14,289
Boy, it's just
so weird to be in a room
469
00:18:14,323 --> 00:18:16,491
where every single person
in the room is a playwright.
470
00:18:16,525 --> 00:18:17,992
Every single
one of us.
471
00:18:18,027 --> 00:18:19,127
Everyone.
472
00:18:19,161 --> 00:18:20,612
Including me.
473
00:18:20,646 --> 00:18:22,213
I'm a playwright.
474
00:18:22,248 --> 00:18:24,082
Brian, my God,
take it down a notch.
475
00:18:24,116 --> 00:18:25,784
You're a playwright?
In New York?
476
00:18:25,818 --> 00:18:27,452
Well, Quahog,
Rhode Island.
477
00:18:27,486 --> 00:18:28,970
You're kidding.
478
00:18:29,004 --> 00:18:30,705
We just went and saw a play
in Quahog, Rhode Island.
479
00:18:30,739 --> 00:18:31,906
Really?
480
00:18:31,941 --> 00:18:34,342
Have you ever heard
of A Passing Fancy?
481
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:35,393
I have!
482
00:18:35,444 --> 00:18:37,879
Oh, my God,
what a load of rubbish.
483
00:18:38,948 --> 00:18:40,248
We have this thing
where we go
484
00:18:40,282 --> 00:18:41,749
to the worst regional theater
we can find
485
00:18:41,784 --> 00:18:43,651
and laugh ourselves sick.
486
00:18:43,686 --> 00:18:46,187
And this one took
the grand prize.
487
00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:49,324
Really?
488
00:18:49,358 --> 00:18:51,826
I-I had heard
only good things.
489
00:18:51,861 --> 00:18:55,196
It was a piece
of on a!
490
00:18:56,499 --> 00:18:57,549
Oh, my God.
491
00:18:57,583 --> 00:19:00,435
I got to hear David Mamet
curse in person.
492
00:19:10,446 --> 00:19:12,230
Oh, there you are.
493
00:19:12,264 --> 00:19:14,866
That was the worst
night of my life.
494
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:17,101
It's not like you were
the only fat guy in there.
495
00:19:17,136 --> 00:19:18,152
What?
496
00:19:18,187 --> 00:19:20,054
Oh, this is about
the play. Sorry.
497
00:19:20,089 --> 00:19:23,591
I was so happy until
I read your play, Stewie.
498
00:19:23,626 --> 00:19:26,794
I finally had some kind
of success as a writer.
499
00:19:26,829 --> 00:19:28,630
It wasn't big,
but it was mine.
500
00:19:28,664 --> 00:19:30,932
I was fine being an okay writer,
501
00:19:30,966 --> 00:19:34,035
until I discovered I was living
in a house with a brilliant one.
502
00:19:34,069 --> 00:19:36,404
I know we don't talk
about doggy years a lot,
503
00:19:36,438 --> 00:19:38,740
but I-I just wish
you could have waited
504
00:19:38,774 --> 00:19:42,176
to find out how talented
you were until I was gone.
505
00:19:42,211 --> 00:19:44,479
By the time I'm dead,
you won't even be ten.
506
00:19:44,513 --> 00:19:46,614
You'll have 70 more years
to be great.
507
00:19:46,649 --> 00:19:50,752
I just wish I could have
had five to be good.
508
00:19:50,786 --> 00:19:52,587
There's your voice, Brian.
509
00:19:52,621 --> 00:19:54,956
It's a depressing voice,
but it's yours.
510
00:19:54,990 --> 00:19:56,357
Write from that.
511
00:19:56,392 --> 00:19:58,259
Listen, me and
the other playwrights
512
00:19:58,294 --> 00:19:59,494
are going out
to have drinks
513
00:19:59,528 --> 00:20:01,145
with Woody Allen
and his daughter-wife.
514
00:20:01,180 --> 00:20:02,330
You want to come?
515
00:20:02,364 --> 00:20:03,531
All right.
516
00:20:03,566 --> 00:20:06,501
We can just sit here
for a while.
517
00:20:08,537 --> 00:20:12,340
They talked a lot more crap
about you after you left.
518
00:20:18,814 --> 00:20:21,499
Oh, God, that was just terrible.
Terrible.
519
00:20:21,550 --> 00:20:23,234
I don't understand.
520
00:20:23,269 --> 00:20:25,336
Stewie, what happened
to the play you wrote?
521
00:20:25,371 --> 00:20:26,704
That was terrible.
522
00:20:26,739 --> 00:20:27,979
Well, I gave it
a final polish..
523
00:20:28,007 --> 00:20:29,207
Changed a few things.
524
00:20:29,241 --> 00:20:31,142
Guess I kind of mucked
the whole thing up.
525
00:20:31,176 --> 00:20:33,278
But how? You...
526
00:20:33,312 --> 00:20:34,279
Wait
527
00:20:34,313 --> 00:20:36,848
Did you do that... for me?
528
00:20:36,899 --> 00:20:38,583
What are you talking about?
I'm a young writer.
529
00:20:38,617 --> 00:20:40,451
I just wasn't as ready
as I thought I was.
530
00:20:40,486 --> 00:20:42,954
Maybe in a couple of years,
who knows?
531
00:20:42,988 --> 00:20:45,089
Stewie, you shouldn't
have done that.
532
00:20:45,124 --> 00:20:47,759
But... thanks.
533
00:20:47,793 --> 00:20:49,527
No problem, Brian.
534
00:20:49,561 --> 00:20:51,035
Hey, what do you say
we head back home?
535
00:20:51,060 --> 00:20:51,996
That sounds good.
536
00:20:52,495 --> 00:20:55,114
You know, I'm going to move to
New York City when I'm older,
537
00:20:55,148 --> 00:20:56,582
'cause it's
twinkly and big
538
00:20:56,616 --> 00:20:58,033
and this is where
dreams come true,
539
00:20:58,084 --> 00:21:00,035
and that giant bird's
coming for us, isn't he?
540
00:21:00,086 --> 00:21:02,121
== sync, corrected by elderman ==