1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,745
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,897 --> 00:00:07,731
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:11,493
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:14,496
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,557 --> 00:00:18,075
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:21,428
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,475 --> 00:00:30,029
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,318 --> 00:00:35,776
Everyone,
I want to thank you all
11
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,520
for helping us decorate
for the fall dance.
12
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:40,688
What's the theme of this dance,
anyway?
13
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(chuckles)
14
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Ah, been doing this
a long time, Meg.
15
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Literally the next thing
out of my mouth. The theme is
16
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,607
Climate Change: Dance like
it's the End of the World.
17
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-We're going to...
-How do we even decorate
for that?
18
00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:55,387
(sighs) We're gonna
pump the heat up to 92
19
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and fill the gym up
with six inches of water.
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And then, you know, balloons,
streamers, all that crap.
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00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:02,561
So, thanks again.
22
00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:05,046
And if anyone needs anything,
just think:
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00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:06,732
"I'm hanging balloons.
24
00:01:06,883 --> 00:01:09,068
How could I possibly have
a question?"
25
00:01:09,261 --> 00:01:10,794
-What do we even...
-Meg!
26
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(breathes deeply)
27
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Thanks, guys.
28
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So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I
29
00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:18,819
are finally gonna do it
after the dance.
30
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(gasps)
You're gonna have sex?
31
00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:22,748
I'm talking
about our suicide pact.
32
00:01:22,941 --> 00:01:24,491
(laughs)
Oh, my God.
33
00:01:24,627 --> 00:01:26,901
I was like, "Who is this girl?"
34
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,662
So, Meg, who are you going with?
35
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:29,922
Eh, I'm not gonna go.
36
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Oh, come on, you have to.
37
00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:33,333
No one asked me.
38
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,243
I'm not just gonna
show up alone.
39
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,929
You can tag along
with me and my date.
40
00:01:37,122 --> 00:01:38,322
Patty, no offense,
41
00:01:38,423 --> 00:01:40,081
but the janitor
doesn't count as a date.
42
00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:42,008
Yeah, that guy's hideous.
43
00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:44,978
Yeah, maybe I won't go with him.
44
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(sighs)
45
00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:01,436
Why's this place
so packed tonight?
46
00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:03,455
Because every night has to be
some kind of gimmick now.
47
00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:05,958
-Trivia. Karaoke. Beer pong.
-So cheap.
48
00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:08,460
What happened to a place
where you drink beer and talk?
49
00:02:08,653 --> 00:02:10,370
It might be time
to find a new bar.
50
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,465
Hmm. Tonight's Magic Night.
51
00:02:13,658 --> 00:02:15,375
-Would you gentlemen...
-We would be delighted
52
00:02:15,527 --> 00:02:17,952
to participate in whatever
spectacle you have planned.
53
00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:20,288
Great.
Just to warn you ahead of time,
54
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:23,124
my specialty
is way-too-close-up magic.
55
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,385
-Pick a card.
-PETER: I-I can't see.
56
00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,220
-Don't tell me.
-PETER: I-I couldn't possibly.
57
00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:28,705
-Can you do something else?
-Very well.
58
00:02:28,765 --> 00:02:32,467
Let's just say goodbye
to these cards.
59
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,378
(screams)
Put it out!
60
00:02:34,438 --> 00:02:36,989
I have been The Great Sebastian,
61
00:02:37,182 --> 00:02:40,308
and I bid you good day.
62
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,977
I think maybe the show's over.
63
00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,071
Excuse me, sir?
You forgot your ve...
64
00:02:45,224 --> 00:02:46,723
He's gone.
65
00:02:46,783 --> 00:02:49,334
Peter, he's eating a sandwich
right in front of you.
66
00:02:49,527 --> 00:02:51,411
Gone.
67
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,655
Well, least I got
his stupid vest.
68
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,232
Peter, I say this
69
00:02:55,292 --> 00:02:57,584
in the strongest
heterosexual way possible,
70
00:02:57,736 --> 00:02:59,403
but it looks really good on you.
71
00:02:59,463 --> 00:03:02,163
Yeah, I say this in the least
heterosexual way possible,
72
00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,423
but I shared an ice cream cone
73
00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,500
with another adult man
last night.
74
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,186
Huh, maybe I'll try it out
for a while.
75
00:03:07,337 --> 00:03:09,746
Haven't had a new look since
I turned all the boys' heads
76
00:03:09,806 --> 00:03:11,581
with a buxom strut.
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♪ ♪
78
00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:19,323
I'm all the boys.
79
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:27,021
Hey, hey, it's the Megalodon.
80
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:30,375
Bruce Almighty!
What it look like, boy?
81
00:03:30,568 --> 00:03:33,937
So, you's not going
to the big dance tonight?
82
00:03:33,956 --> 00:03:36,048
Oh. You know about that, huh?
83
00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:38,442
I heard some kids talking
in the bathroom
84
00:03:38,502 --> 00:03:40,110
while I was taking a doody.
85
00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:41,611
Yeah, I...
86
00:03:41,630 --> 00:03:44,130
I-I just didn't feel like going,
I guess.
87
00:03:45,342 --> 00:03:46,967
Listen, my shift's up
in a few minutes.
88
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:50,303
Can I's interest you in half
a lukewarm grilled cheese
89
00:03:50,456 --> 00:03:52,305
-and cold fries?
-I'd like that.
90
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,474
And maybe after,
we can take edibles
91
00:03:54,626 --> 00:03:56,884
and stare
at the solar system carpet.
92
00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,720
-Oh, for sure.
-I know a spot
93
00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:01,698
where there ain't
too many spills.
94
00:04:05,529 --> 00:04:07,137
Dad, where are you going?
95
00:04:07,197 --> 00:04:09,414
Wearing a vest
means I'm a failed actor
96
00:04:09,607 --> 00:04:12,642
who teaches acting in a city
that's not New York or L.A.
97
00:04:12,703 --> 00:04:15,087
All right,
Shreveport Community Center.
98
00:04:15,238 --> 00:04:18,406
Listen close, for I shall
teach you the acting craft.
99
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:21,576
Hey, didn't my husband chase
you away from our recycling bin?
100
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:22,910
Use that.
101
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,654
♪ ♪
102
00:04:24,715 --> 00:04:28,492
And the award for Best Actress
goes to Susan Davis for
103
00:04:28,552 --> 00:04:32,420
Get Away from My Recycling Bin,
You Fat, Failed Actor.
104
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:34,255
-(applause)
-She used it.
105
00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:37,091
(dialogue inaudible)
106
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:39,853
Hey, stranger.
Are you the new piano player?
107
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,947
I'm wearing a vest, ain't I?
108
00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:43,448
(cracks knuckles)
109
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,284
(playing "Music Box Dancer")
110
00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,619
What is this sissy music?
111
00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:50,122
It's Richard Clayderman's
"Music Box Dancer."
112
00:04:50,315 --> 00:04:52,624
How are we supposed to brawl
to this?
113
00:04:52,817 --> 00:04:54,126
Maybe we don't brawl today.
114
00:04:54,319 --> 00:04:57,462
Maybe we just close our eyes
and smile.
115
00:05:00,158 --> 00:05:01,550
(gunshot)
116
00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:05,286
Whoa. Wh-Where am I?
117
00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:06,621
You're a Westworld robot.
118
00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:08,865
You live
in a computer-generated simul...
119
00:05:08,925 --> 00:05:10,625
Yeah, I already don't care.
120
00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:12,886
(swing music playing)
121
00:05:13,038 --> 00:05:16,798
Dad, what are we doing at a
Cherry Poppin' Daddies concert?
122
00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,317
Well, Chris, I'm wearing a vest.
123
00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,802
Figured I'd come dance
with other lonely whites.
124
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,063
Let me just connect
my really long chain
125
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,972
to my wallet and get in there.
126
00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:27,242
♪ ♪
127
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,664
I'm tangled. I'm tangled
in your wallet chains.
128
00:05:32,816 --> 00:05:36,393
Stop! S-Somebody please tell
one of the 20 people onstage
129
00:05:36,411 --> 00:05:39,171
to please stop playing.
I can't feel my arms.
130
00:05:39,364 --> 00:05:42,156
One of you tattooed
Betty Boop ladies, help me.
131
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:45,068
MAN:
Hi, I'm the lead singer
of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
132
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My name doesn't matter.
133
00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:49,255
Please, don't wear wallet chais
to our shows. Otherwise,
134
00:05:49,408 --> 00:05:51,424
you could end up with both arms
ripped off like this guy.
135
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,577
MAN 2:
Tell them we're the band
from Swingers.
136
00:05:53,595 --> 00:05:54,519
MAN:
We're not the band
from Swingers.
137
00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:56,188
MAN 2:
We're not?!
138
00:05:56,339 --> 00:05:57,689
LOIS:
Peter.
139
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,024
Peter?
140
00:05:59,217 --> 00:06:01,509
Oh, Peter,
thank God you're awake.
141
00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,270
-Wh-What happened?
-This should explain everything.
142
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:06,423
A Farewell to Arms.
143
00:06:06,525 --> 00:06:09,517
(gasps) I fell in love
with a nurse during World War I?
144
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:12,204
No, no, just the title. It's...
There's no way you've read that.
145
00:06:12,397 --> 00:06:15,207
N-Never mind.
We couldn't reattach your arms.
146
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,101
-Oh, my God!
-Don't worry. They'll grow back.
147
00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,378
Just spread the seeds on,
148
00:06:19,571 --> 00:06:21,362
keep them watered,
and watch them grow.
149
00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:22,756
♪ P-P-P-Peter. ♪
150
00:06:25,535 --> 00:06:27,293
See? They're already coming in.
151
00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,370
Probably not gonna be able
to have sex
152
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,297
for, like, a while,
though, right?
153
00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:33,950
-I think it should be fine.
-Oh, yay.
154
00:06:33,969 --> 00:06:38,230
(laughing)
Oh, what, you think I enjoy it?
155
00:06:38,423 --> 00:06:41,458
(dialogue inaudible)
156
00:06:41,518 --> 00:06:43,068
(clears throat)
157
00:06:43,261 --> 00:06:47,297
Oh, hey, y'all.
I'll be outside in a minute.
158
00:06:47,357 --> 00:06:49,056
-Who's that?
-Oh, he's nobody.
159
00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,151
But I see that he wore
my belt today.
160
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:54,154
Listen, I'm sorry you're having
problems at school.
161
00:06:54,306 --> 00:06:57,157
Aw, thanks.
I've just never fit in there.
162
00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,084
Then I get out
at the end of the day
163
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:02,028
only to realize
I don't fit in at home, either.
164
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,255
Preaching to the choir, sister.
165
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,665
My parents
has never understood me.
166
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,910
Every time I see them, it's,
"When you gonna meet a woman?
167
00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,503
"When you gonna get married?
168
00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:12,989
"Why don't you ever wear
that belt we gave you?
169
00:07:13,091 --> 00:07:14,266
Blah-blah-blah."
170
00:07:14,459 --> 00:07:16,250
(sighs)
Meg, my friend,
171
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,419
you and I's two of a kind.
172
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,088
Bruce... i-is this a date?
173
00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:24,258
Well, none of the other tables
is shaking their head at us,
174
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:26,186
but it sure feels like one.
175
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,171
Well, whatever it is,
176
00:07:28,231 --> 00:07:29,931
thanks for hanging out
with me tonight.
177
00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:31,691
I really needed the company.
178
00:07:31,843 --> 00:07:35,178
Oh, please. Thank you
for hanging out with me.
179
00:07:35,238 --> 00:07:37,414
♪ ♪
180
00:07:48,084 --> 00:07:50,860
Guess who has a boyfriend!
181
00:07:50,921 --> 00:07:53,029
-Come on.
-Hey, y'all.
182
00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:55,048
Uh, hi.
183
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:57,383
Lois, can I please see you
in Joe's kitchen?
184
00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,052
Don't you mean our kitchen?
185
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,479
No, they have better snacks.
186
00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:03,815
So, Meg's boyfriend.
Interesting choice.
187
00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:06,467
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know,
I know Joe has Cheez-Its.
188
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:08,487
I saw him eating them earlier.
Where the hell are they?
189
00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,304
JOE:
You're not gonna find them.
190
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,491
I was eating a bunch of them,
and I jokingly said,
191
00:08:12,642 --> 00:08:14,475
"Bonnie, hide these."
And she did.
192
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:18,054
She hides my food so I don't
get bored like a zoo polar bear.
193
00:08:18,156 --> 00:08:20,290
Good luck.
They could be anywhere.
194
00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:29,674
Hey, y'all. Nice to meet youse.
195
00:08:29,867 --> 00:08:32,994
-Isn't that, like,
a 50-year-old gay guy?
-Chris!
196
00:08:33,055 --> 00:08:34,237
Yeah, Stewie, isn't Bruce gay?
197
00:08:34,297 --> 00:08:36,239
(scoffs)
How should I know, man?
198
00:08:36,258 --> 00:08:37,665
I should be the one
asking you that.
199
00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,425
-Okay.
-Yeah, okay.
200
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,245
(grunting)
201
00:08:42,305 --> 00:08:44,430
Bruce, don't you live
on our street?
202
00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:46,024
Yeah, I'm the house
on the corner.
203
00:08:46,217 --> 00:08:48,193
You know,
the incongruous purple one
204
00:08:48,344 --> 00:08:49,936
with all the desert plants?
205
00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:52,847
Ah, yes, I know it well.
I've left my dog's expulsions
206
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,515
on your Astroturf many times.
207
00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,684
Welcome to our home.
Put her there.
208
00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,036
Um, wh-where?
209
00:08:58,229 --> 00:09:00,455
The hand, you blockhead.
210
00:09:05,903 --> 00:09:08,271
Hey, boo,
we should probably get going.
211
00:09:08,290 --> 00:09:10,123
Where are you two lovebirds
off to?
212
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,533
The waxing place.
Bruce is getting a treatment.
213
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:14,869
I'm just getting an estimate
from my team.
214
00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:17,138
Oh, gross.
215
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,877
Peter, why is our daughter
dating a gay man?
216
00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,378
Lois, I don't even pretend
217
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,064
to know what's going on
out there anymore.
218
00:09:26,257 --> 00:09:27,957
Meg's completely oblivious
to it.
219
00:09:28,018 --> 00:09:30,217
You know, what I'd like to know
is why he's doing this.
220
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,053
Is it really such
a bad thing, Lois?
221
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,813
I mean, they're having fun
with each other.
222
00:09:33,965 --> 00:09:35,556
Speaking of having fun,
223
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:38,985
what do you say you and I do
a little of the old, uh...
224
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,704
Eh?
225
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,141
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
226
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,086
Are you okay to swim like that?
227
00:09:48,279 --> 00:09:50,071
(chuckles)
Am I okay to swim?
228
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,590
(shouts)
I'm not.
229
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,092
I can only flap about
like a motorized tub toy.
230
00:09:54,285 --> 00:09:56,094
Please help me. And hurry.
231
00:09:56,287 --> 00:09:59,080
I'm about to get hit by
the old retired guy doing laps.
232
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,840
Quick! He can't hear me
233
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,992
because there's an investment
commercial playing in his head.
234
00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:05,086
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER:
What are your retirement goals?
235
00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:07,088
Swimming past
a tiny-armed fat guy
236
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:08,681
flailing in a public pool?
237
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,334
T. Rowe Price.
We've got you covered.
238
00:10:11,394 --> 00:10:14,988
Look at that guy.
He did everything right.
239
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,784
Hey, what you doing?
240
00:10:19,977 --> 00:10:23,455
I... just won a 30-pound bag
of wood chips on eBay.
241
00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,457
-What's up with you?
-(chuckles) Listen,
242
00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:28,034
I wanted to talk to you
about Bruce.
243
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,276
Isn't he the best?
244
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:31,129
Uh-huh. Yeah, he's great.
245
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,949
But you haven't noticed
anything different about him?
246
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,618
-Like what?
-Well, I-I don't know
how to talk about this,
247
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:41,547
but here's a film my father made
me watch when I was your age.
248
00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,624
NARRATOR:
Then during lunch,
249
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,718
Ralph showed him
some pornographic pictures.
250
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,720
Jimmy knew he shouldn't
be interested,
251
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,555
but, well, he was curious.
252
00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:51,816
What Jimmy didn't know
was that Ralph was sick--
253
00:10:52,009 --> 00:10:55,728
a sickness that was not visible
like smallpox,
254
00:10:55,881 --> 00:10:57,989
but no less dangerous
and contagious--
255
00:10:58,182 --> 00:11:00,233
a sickness of the mind.
256
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,852
You see, Ralph was a homosexual,
257
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,980
a person who demands
an intimate relationship
258
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,815
with members of their own sex...
259
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,668
Is that Earth?
260
00:11:09,861 --> 00:11:14,063
Oh, for Pete's sake,
I am 99% sure Bruce is gay.
261
00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:16,900
What? Mom, he works
part-time at Lush.
262
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:21,087
It's him and, like, ten girls.
Trust me, guy's a total P-hound.
263
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,422
Listen, I'm just trying to...
264
00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,240
Oh, I know what
you're trying to do.
265
00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:26,000
Pathetic little Meg
is happy for once,
266
00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,668
and you just can't take it.
267
00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:28,836
And I get it, okay?
268
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,263
You're in a miserable marriage,
269
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,749
so why would you want
anyone else to be happy?
270
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:34,250
Meg, that's ridiculous.
271
00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:36,436
Your father and I
love each other very much.
272
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,345
Lois, where's the first aid kit?
273
00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:41,515
I tried to put a Ellio's
in the oven and I burnt my head.
274
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:44,035
-Top of the closet.
-Oh, that little case?
275
00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:47,096
I've been taking that to work
to look like a businessman.
276
00:11:47,157 --> 00:11:49,290
Hold the elevator.
Hold the elevator.
277
00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:51,617
Sorry.
278
00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,545
Can someone push
any button, please?
279
00:11:53,738 --> 00:11:56,548
I don't work here,
I'm just being silly.
280
00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:03,888
(whoops)
I am throwing rocks tonight.
281
00:12:04,081 --> 00:12:05,206
Mark it, Bruce.
282
00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:07,951
Dang, Meg, you are hot tonight.
283
00:12:08,011 --> 00:12:09,877
And you're not so bad yourself.
284
00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,229
(laughs nervously)
285
00:12:11,422 --> 00:12:13,189
(phone ringing, vibrating)
286
00:12:15,059 --> 00:12:16,976
Ugh. My mother is so annoying.
287
00:12:17,128 --> 00:12:19,738
She's got some kind of hair
across her ass about us.
288
00:12:19,931 --> 00:12:22,556
-Oh, no.
-I know.
289
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,909
I told my folks about you
and they lit up
290
00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:27,078
-like a Christmas tree.
-Really?
291
00:12:27,271 --> 00:12:29,472
You bet your sugar cookies
they did.
292
00:12:29,491 --> 00:12:31,065
They's coming to town tomorrow.
293
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:34,160
But there's something
I wanted to ask you before that.
294
00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:37,313
Babe, I told you, I really don't
want to sell Herbalife.
295
00:12:37,332 --> 00:12:38,815
We'll give that time,
296
00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:41,167
but this is something
a little more special.
297
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,337
Meg Harvey Oswald Griffin,
will you...
298
00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:48,157
Hey, hi. So, I told you
about ten minutes ago
299
00:12:48,218 --> 00:12:50,084
something's wrong with 14.
300
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,511
Yep, somebody's working
on it, sir.
301
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,087
KID:
Dad, what's going on?
302
00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,939
KID 2:
This sucks. I want to go home.
303
00:12:55,132 --> 00:12:57,091
Please. My wife's out of town.
304
00:12:57,194 --> 00:13:00,336
I-I don't know what else to do.
305
00:13:00,396 --> 00:13:03,022
You have to help me.
306
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,284
You have to help me right now.
307
00:13:06,435 --> 00:13:08,011
Should just be
another couple minutes.
308
00:13:08,029 --> 00:13:09,954
KID 2:
Dad, Tyson spilled
fruit punch on me.
309
00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:11,122
KID:
No, I didn't.
310
00:13:11,315 --> 00:13:13,291
KID 2:
Dad!
311
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,418
(sighs)
312
00:13:24,087 --> 00:13:25,637
Meg, there you are.
313
00:13:25,830 --> 00:13:28,122
-Look, I wanted
to apologize and...
-No need, Mom.
314
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,291
Let me show you
just how wrong you were.
315
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:33,311
Bruce and I are engaged!
316
00:13:33,504 --> 00:13:35,313
-What?
-PETER: Engaged?
317
00:13:35,464 --> 00:13:37,798
No daughter of mine
is getting married at 18.
318
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:40,568
I forbid it. Forbidden!
319
00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,480
Peter, I'm sorry,
I'm just not okay
320
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:56,835
with our daughter marrying
someone who is clearly gay.
321
00:13:57,028 --> 00:13:58,561
You know,
you're starting to sound
322
00:13:58,621 --> 00:14:00,487
an awful lot
like your own mother.
323
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,989
This isn't gonna be good
for either of them.
324
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,766
Lois, let me ask you something.
325
00:14:03,793 --> 00:14:06,511
What's the best-case scenario
for someone like Meg?
326
00:14:06,704 --> 00:14:10,089
Dying alone in a lighthouse?
Maybe Bruce changed.
327
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,075
And-and either way,
Meg's happy for once.
328
00:14:12,093 --> 00:14:13,476
I say we go with it.
329
00:14:14,971 --> 00:14:16,688
It's gonna be all right.
330
00:14:16,839 --> 00:14:17,930
No, it's not gonna be all right.
331
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,173
It's never gonna
be all right again
332
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:20,433
if they go through with this.
333
00:14:20,585 --> 00:14:22,176
Peter, we got to do...
334
00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,103
Get a hold of yourself, woman.
She's coming downstairs.
335
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,589
Well, there's the bride-to-be.
336
00:14:26,649 --> 00:14:28,608
-Oh, hey, Mom.
-Listen, Meg,
337
00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,943
I was hoping we could
put all this behind us.
338
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,762
I'd like that.
339
00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:35,615
That's better. And I'm sorry
for what I said about Bruce.
340
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:39,285
If you love him, then your
father and I fully support it.
341
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,528
Thanks, Mom.
Speaking of which,
342
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,623
I'm finally gonna meet
Bruce's parents.
343
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,775
Would you guys want to
come to dinner with us?
344
00:14:45,793 --> 00:14:48,294
-Oh, we'd love to come.
-Oh, thank you, Mom.
345
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,889
Family hug. Bring it in.
346
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,057
Seriously, you got
to bring it in.
347
00:14:54,919 --> 00:14:58,379
Oh, Meg, I haven't seen you
smile like this in a long time.
348
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,732
Probably not since you were in
that music video.
349
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:06,154
♪ Black hole sun,
won't you come... ♪
350
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:12,802
I can't believe my little girl
is getting married tomorrow.
351
00:15:12,862 --> 00:15:14,654
Hey, hey, everybody.
352
00:15:14,806 --> 00:15:17,749
I'd like you to meet my parents
Phil and Candy Straight.
353
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:20,251
Peter Griffin. My arms
were torn off at a concert.
354
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:24,422
So, these two lovebirds
are gonna tie the knot.
355
00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:28,334
Yes, a heterosexual marriage,
just like you always wanted.
356
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,154
And I did, too.
All of us did.
357
00:15:31,255 --> 00:15:33,005
Well, as someone
who doesn't get subtext,
358
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,249
I just want to say cheers.
359
00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:37,584
You know what?
This calls for champagne.
360
00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:39,437
-Sir? Excuse me, sir?
-(snapping softly)
361
00:15:39,630 --> 00:15:41,681
Ugh, this waiter is terrible.
362
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,090
Finally.
363
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,684
We would like
your finest champagne
364
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,403
and your longest fork
and knife, please.
365
00:15:48,731 --> 00:15:50,597
So, Phil,
what line of work you in?
366
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,159
Ooh, what did you order? Mind?
367
00:15:54,979 --> 00:15:57,680
(church bell rings)
368
00:15:57,740 --> 00:16:00,850
I can't believe my little girl's
getting married.
369
00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:02,201
You look beautiful, Meg.
370
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,203
Really? You think so?
371
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:08,040
Uh... uh-huh. Y-Yes.
372
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,343
Five minutes, honey.
373
00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,455
The Shropnicks made it
all the way in from Colorado.
374
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:15,789
How about that?
375
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,059
("Canon in D" playing)
376
00:16:22,506 --> 00:16:24,707
Say hi to the Shropnicks.
They came a long way.
377
00:16:24,767 --> 00:16:28,152
Hi, guys. Thank you so much
for coming all this way.
378
00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,030
From Colorado. Where we live.
379
00:16:32,608 --> 00:16:35,493
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today
380
00:16:35,644 --> 00:16:40,147
to celebrate the union
of these two very special people
381
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,558
on their very special day.
382
00:16:42,618 --> 00:16:44,818
(quietly) That's Jeffrey,
Bruce's longtime boyfriend.
383
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:47,672
The priest's voice faded out
and now it'll fade back in
384
00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:49,656
to show that he's further along
in the ceremony.
385
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,159
PRIEST:
...and finally, Edward Zylock.
386
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,420
Fallen heroes, all.
387
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,014
Now, does anyone have any reason
388
00:16:56,165 --> 00:16:58,266
why these two
should not be married?
389
00:17:03,047 --> 00:17:05,189
♪ ♪
390
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:16,609
I do.
391
00:17:16,761 --> 00:17:18,202
-(all gasping)
-What?
-The bride?
392
00:17:18,395 --> 00:17:20,154
Did you park on the street?
I parked on the street.
393
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,040
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
394
00:17:22,233 --> 00:17:24,116
I know you don't really want
to marry me.
395
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:27,270
You're only doing this
to make your parents happy.
396
00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:30,106
And I know...
397
00:17:30,166 --> 00:17:34,277
Well, I-I think
I know everything.
398
00:17:34,337 --> 00:17:36,578
What gave it away?
399
00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,464
When I saw you
with your parents.
400
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,800
You obviously just want them
off your back.
401
00:17:40,952 --> 00:17:42,451
Plus your iPhoto library
402
00:17:42,553 --> 00:17:44,896
is mostly guys' things
next to Comcast remotes.
403
00:17:45,089 --> 00:17:48,624
I only meet the ones
that go past the volume button.
404
00:17:48,684 --> 00:17:51,444
Someone want to tell me
what the hell is going on here?
405
00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:58,392
Mom, Dad, I'm gay.
406
00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,136
PETER:
(gasps) What?
407
00:18:00,196 --> 00:18:01,821
LOIS:
Peter, you knew that.
408
00:18:01,973 --> 00:18:03,230
Is this some kind of joke?
409
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:06,659
This ain't no joke, Daddy.
I like mens.
410
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,753
This feels like an episode
that someone
411
00:18:08,946 --> 00:18:10,980
would get a prize for in 1994.
412
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,333
Maybe we should talk
about this another time, dear.
413
00:18:14,485 --> 00:18:16,410
No. I want to talk
about it now.
414
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:19,989
I'm gay, and like all gay men,
it was a choice I made
415
00:18:20,091 --> 00:18:23,417
when I couldn't find a table
at the high school cafeteria.
416
00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,679
Cork up those ink pots.
We know that's not how it works.
417
00:18:26,831 --> 00:18:28,422
Everyone, thank you for coming,
418
00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:31,925
but I'm afraid there isn't
going to be a wedding today.
419
00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:33,519
Oh, yes, there is.
420
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:36,739
Jeffrey, get your pimply
little ass up here.
421
00:18:38,343 --> 00:18:40,934
Jeffrey, will you marry me?
422
00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:43,621
Oh, yes.
423
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,442
Come on, Shropnicks,
we're leaving.
424
00:18:48,503 --> 00:18:52,463
Let's start
the 21-hour drive home.
425
00:18:52,656 --> 00:18:55,633
You-you guys can't
get married in the church.
426
00:18:55,784 --> 00:18:59,786
We don't recognize you
as... well, as people.
427
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,455
Ugh, fine.
428
00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:04,200
Everyone, meet us
in the Walgreens parking lot
429
00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:06,644
down the street.
430
00:19:06,837 --> 00:19:09,647
Meg, sweetie, are you okay?
431
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,375
You know what, Mom? I am.
432
00:19:12,435 --> 00:19:14,393
Bruce and Jeffrey
love each other.
433
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,395
They deserve to be happy.
434
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,381
-And so do I.
-Oh, Meg.
435
00:19:18,441 --> 00:19:20,399
Don't make this day about you.
436
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:23,552
-Oh, Bruce.
-Oh, Jeffrey.
437
00:19:23,654 --> 00:19:25,221
Oh...
438
00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:26,831
No, no, no, no.
439
00:19:27,024 --> 00:19:28,649
No, no, no, no, no.
440
00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,209
No.
441
00:19:34,698 --> 00:19:36,340
It's nice
that they're doing this,
442
00:19:36,533 --> 00:19:38,067
but who's gonna marry them?
443
00:19:38,127 --> 00:19:40,494
By the power vested in me,
444
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,181
I pronounce you
husband and husband.
445
00:19:43,374 --> 00:19:45,257
You may kiss when you get home.
446
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:46,726
Well, we just lost the prize.
447
00:19:49,914 --> 00:19:49,929
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.
Meg's wedding took up
448
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,266
a little more time than we would
have liked this week,
449
00:19:54,419 --> 00:19:55,300
so we didn't get
to do everything
450
00:19:55,453 --> 00:19:57,086
we wanted to with my hands.
451
00:19:57,188 --> 00:19:59,680
So, here's a supercut of me
having a little fun around town.
452
00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:02,107
We like it a lot.
We hope you will, too.
453
00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,868
(cheering, applause)
454
00:20:04,061 --> 00:20:05,761
Go, go, go!
455
00:20:05,821 --> 00:20:07,997
♪ ♪
456
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,451
(grunts)
457
00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:14,587
♪ ♪
458
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,717
♪ ♪
459
00:20:23,965 --> 00:20:27,183
("Macarena" by Los del Río
playing, lyrics in Spanish)
460
00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,642
Come on, big money.
461
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,143
Still $300.
462
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:41,054
-Uh, how about T again?
-(buzzer sounds)
463
00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:43,282
♪ ♪
464
00:20:51,476 --> 00:20:52,733
Strike.
465
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,627
ANNOUNCER:
Strike three and he knew it.