♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
Everyone, I want to thank you all
for helping us decorate for the fall dance.
What's the theme of this dance, anyway?
(chuckles)
Ah, been doing this a long time, Meg.
Literally the next thing out of my mouth. The theme is
Climate Change: Dance like it's the End of the World.
-We're going to... -How do we even decorate for that?
(sighs) We're gonna pump the heat up to 92
and fill the gym up with six inches of water.
And then, you know, balloons, streamers, all that crap.
So, thanks again.
And if anyone needs anything, just think:
"I'm hanging balloons.
How could I possibly have a question?"
-What do we even... -Meg!
(breathes deeply)
Thanks, guys.
So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I
are finally gonna do it after the dance.
(gasps) You're gonna have sex?
I'm talking about our suicide pact.
(laughs) Oh, my God.
I was like, "Who is this girl?"
So, Meg, who are you going with?
Eh, I'm not gonna go.
Oh, come on, you have to.
No one asked me.
I'm not just gonna show up alone.
You can tag along with me and my date.
Patty, no offense,
but the janitor doesn't count as a date.
Yeah, that guy's hideous.
Yeah, maybe I won't go with him.
(sighs)
Why's this place so packed tonight?
Because every night has to be some kind of gimmick now.
-Trivia. Karaoke. Beer pong. -So cheap.
What happened to a place where you drink beer and talk?
It might be time to find a new bar.
Hmm. Tonight's Magic Night.
-Would you gentlemen... -We would be delighted
to participate in whatever spectacle you have planned.
Great. Just to warn you ahead of time,
my specialty is way-too-close-up magic.
-Pick a card. -PETER: I-I can't see.
-Don't tell me. -PETER: I-I couldn't possibly.
-Can you do something else? -Very well.
Let's just say goodbye to these cards.
(screams) Put it out!
I have been The Great Sebastian,
and I bid you good day.
I think maybe the show's over.
Excuse me, sir? You forgot your ve...
He's gone.
Peter, he's eating a sandwich right in front of you.
Gone.
Well, least I got his stupid vest.
Peter, I say this
in the strongest heterosexual way possible,
but it looks really good on you.
Yeah, I say this in the least heterosexual way possible,
but I shared an ice cream cone
with another adult man last night.
Huh, maybe I'll try it out for a while.
Haven't had a new look since I turned all the boys' heads
with a buxom strut.
♪ ♪
I'm all the boys.
Hey, hey, it's the Megalodon.
Bruce Almighty! What it look like, boy?
So, you's not going to the big dance tonight?
Oh. You know about that, huh?
I heard some kids talking in the bathroom
while I was taking a doody.
Yeah, I...
I-I just didn't feel like going, I guess.
Listen, my shift's up in a few minutes.
Can I's interest you in half a lukewarm grilled cheese
-and cold fries? -I'd like that.
And maybe after, we can take edibles
and stare at the solar system carpet.
-Oh, for sure. -I know a spot
where there ain't too many spills.
Dad, where are you going?
Wearing a vest means I'm a failed actor
who teaches acting in a city that's not New York or L.A.
All right, Shreveport Community Center.
Listen close, for I shall teach you the acting craft.
Hey, didn't my husband chase you away from our recycling bin?
Use that.
♪ ♪
And the award for Best Actress goes to Susan Davis for
Get Away from My Recycling Bin, You Fat, Failed Actor.
-(applause) -She used it.
(dialogue inaudible)
Hey, stranger. Are you the new piano player?
I'm wearing a vest, ain't I?
(cracks knuckles)
(playing "Music Box Dancer")
What is this sissy music?
It's Richard Clayderman's "Music Box Dancer."
How are we supposed to brawl to this?
Maybe we don't brawl today.
Maybe we just close our eyes and smile.
(gunshot)
Whoa. Wh-Where am I?
You're a Westworld robot.
You live in a computer-generated simul...
Yeah, I already don't care.
(swing music playing)
Dad, what are we doing at a Cherry Poppin' Daddies concert?
Well, Chris, I'm wearing a vest.
Figured I'd come dance with other lonely whites.
Let me just connect my really long chain
to my wallet and get in there.
♪ ♪
I'm tangled. I'm tangled in your wallet chains.
Stop! S-Somebody please tell one of the 20 people onstage
to please stop playing. I can't feel my arms.
One of you tattooed Betty Boop ladies, help me.
MAN: Hi, I'm the lead singer of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
My name doesn't matter.
Please, don't wear wallet chais to our shows. Otherwise,
you could end up with both arms ripped off like this guy.
MAN 2: Tell them we're the band from Swingers.
MAN: We're not the band from Swingers.
MAN 2: We're not?!
LOIS: Peter.
Peter?
Oh, Peter, thank God you're awake.
-Wh-What happened? -This should explain everything.
A Farewell to Arms.
(gasps) I fell in love with a nurse during World War I?
No, no, just the title. It's... There's no way you've read that.
N-Never mind. We couldn't reattach your arms.
-Oh, my God! -Don't worry. They'll grow back.
Just spread the seeds on,
keep them watered, and watch them grow.
♪ P-P-P-Peter. ♪
See? They're already coming in.
Probably not gonna be able to have sex
for, like, a while, though, right?
-I think it should be fine. -Oh, yay.
(laughing) Oh, what, you think I enjoy it?
(dialogue inaudible)
(clears throat)
Oh, hey, y'all. I'll be outside in a minute.
-Who's that? -Oh, he's nobody.
But I see that he wore my belt today.
Listen, I'm sorry you're having problems at school.
Aw, thanks. I've just never fit in there.
Then I get out at the end of the day
only to realize I don't fit in at home, either.
Preaching to the choir, sister.
My parents has never understood me.
Every time I see them, it's, "When you gonna meet a woman?
"When you gonna get married?
"Why don't you ever wear that belt we gave you?
Blah-blah-blah."
(sighs) Meg, my friend,
you and I's two of a kind.
Bruce... i-is this a date?
Well, none of the other tables is shaking their head at us,
but it sure feels like one.
Well, whatever it is,
thanks for hanging out with me tonight.
I really needed the company.
Oh, please. Thank you for hanging out with me.
♪ ♪
Guess who has a boyfriend!
-Come on. -Hey, y'all.
Uh, hi.
Lois, can I please see you in Joe's kitchen?
Don't you mean our kitchen?
No, they have better snacks.
So, Meg's boyfriend. Interesting choice.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I know Joe has Cheez-Its.
I saw him eating them earlier. Where the hell are they?
JOE: You're not gonna find them.
I was eating a bunch of them, and I jokingly said,
"Bonnie, hide these." And she did.
She hides my food so I don't get bored like a zoo polar bear.
Good luck. They could be anywhere.
Hey, y'all. Nice to meet youse.
-Isn't that, like, a 50-year-old gay guy? -Chris!
Yeah, Stewie, isn't Bruce gay?
(scoffs) How should I know, man?
I should be the one asking you that.
-Okay. -Yeah, okay.
(grunting)
Bruce, don't you live on our street?
Yeah, I'm the house on the corner.
You know, the incongruous purple one
with all the desert plants?
Ah, yes, I know it well. I've left my dog's expulsions
on your Astroturf many times.
Welcome to our home. Put her there.
Um, wh-where?
The hand, you blockhead.
Hey, boo, we should probably get going.
Where are you two lovebirds off to?
The waxing place. Bruce is getting a treatment.
I'm just getting an estimate from my team.
Oh, gross.
Peter, why is our daughter dating a gay man?
Lois, I don't even pretend
to know what's going on out there anymore.
Meg's completely oblivious to it.
You know, what I'd like to know is why he's doing this.
Is it really such a bad thing, Lois?
I mean, they're having fun with each other.
Speaking of having fun,
what do you say you and I do a little of the old, uh...
Eh?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you okay to swim like that?
(chuckles) Am I okay to swim?
(shouts) I'm not.
I can only flap about like a motorized tub toy.
Please help me. And hurry.
I'm about to get hit by the old retired guy doing laps.
Quick! He can't hear me
because there's an investment commercial playing in his head.
COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: What are your retirement goals?
Swimming past a tiny-armed fat guy
flailing in a public pool?
T. Rowe Price. We've got you covered.
Look at that guy. He did everything right.
Hey, what you doing?
I... just won a 30-pound bag of wood chips on eBay.
-What's up with you? -(chuckles) Listen,
I wanted to talk to you about Bruce.
Isn't he the best?
Uh-huh. Yeah, he's great.
But you haven't noticed anything different about him?
-Like what? -Well, I-I don't know how to talk about this,
but here's a film my father made me watch when I was your age.
NARRATOR: Then during lunch,
Ralph showed him some pornographic pictures.
Jimmy knew he shouldn't be interested,
but, well, he was curious.
What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was sick--
a sickness that was not visible like smallpox,
but no less dangerous and contagious--
a sickness of the mind.
You see, Ralph was a homosexual,
a person who demands an intimate relationship
with members of their own sex...
Is that Earth?
Oh, for Pete's sake, I am 99% sure Bruce is gay.
What? Mom, he works part-time at Lush.
It's him and, like, ten girls. Trust me, guy's a total P-hound.
Listen, I'm just trying to...
Oh, I know what you're trying to do.
Pathetic little Meg is happy for once,
and you just can't take it.
And I get it, okay?
You're in a miserable marriage,
so why would you want anyone else to be happy?
Meg, that's ridiculous.
Your father and I love each other very much.
Lois, where's the first aid kit?
I tried to put a Ellio's in the oven and I burnt my head.
-Top of the closet. -Oh, that little case?
I've been taking that to work to look like a businessman.
Hold the elevator. Hold the elevator.
Sorry.
Can someone push any button, please?
I don't work here, I'm just being silly.
(whoops) I am throwing rocks tonight.
Mark it, Bruce.
Dang, Meg, you are hot tonight.
And you're not so bad yourself.
(laughs nervously)
(phone ringing, vibrating)
Ugh. My mother is so annoying.
She's got some kind of hair across her ass about us.
-Oh, no. -I know.
I told my folks about you and they lit up
-like a Christmas tree. -Really?
You bet your sugar cookies they did.
They's coming to town tomorrow.
But there's something I wanted to ask you before that.
Babe, I told you, I really don't want to sell Herbalife.
We'll give that time,
but this is something a little more special.
Meg Harvey Oswald Griffin, will you...
Hey, hi. So, I told you about ten minutes ago
something's wrong with 14.
Yep, somebody's working on it, sir.
KID: Dad, what's going on?
KID 2: This sucks. I want to go home.
Please. My wife's out of town.
I-I don't know what else to do.
You have to help me.
You have to help me right now.
Should just be another couple minutes.
KID 2: Dad, Tyson spilled fruit punch on me.
KID: No, I didn't.
KID 2: Dad!
(sighs)
Meg, there you are.
-Look, I wanted to apologize and... -No need, Mom.
Let me show you just how wrong you were.
Bruce and I are engaged!
-What? -PETER: Engaged?
No daughter of mine is getting married at 18.
I forbid it. Forbidden!
Peter, I'm sorry, I'm just not okay
with our daughter marrying someone who is clearly gay.
You know, you're starting to sound
an awful lot like your own mother.
This isn't gonna be good for either of them.
Lois, let me ask you something.
What's the best-case scenario for someone like Meg?
Dying alone in a lighthouse? Maybe Bruce changed.
And-and either way, Meg's happy for once.
I say we go with it.
It's gonna be all right.
No, it's not gonna be all right.
It's never gonna be all right again
if they go through with this.
Peter, we got to do...
Get a hold of yourself, woman. She's coming downstairs.
Well, there's the bride-to-be.
-Oh, hey, Mom. -Listen, Meg,
I was hoping we could put all this behind us.
I'd like that.
That's better. And I'm sorry for what I said about Bruce.
If you love him, then your father and I fully support it.
Thanks, Mom. Speaking of which,
I'm finally gonna meet Bruce's parents.
Would you guys want to come to dinner with us?
-Oh, we'd love to come. -Oh, thank you, Mom.
Family hug. Bring it in.
Seriously, you got to bring it in.
Oh, Meg, I haven't seen you smile like this in a long time.
Probably not since you were in that music video.
♪ Black hole sun, won't you come... ♪
I can't believe my little girl is getting married tomorrow.
Hey, hey, everybody.
I'd like you to meet my parents Phil and Candy Straight.
Peter Griffin. My arms were torn off at a concert.
So, these two lovebirds are gonna tie the knot.
Yes, a heterosexual marriage, just like you always wanted.
And I did, too. All of us did.
Well, as someone who doesn't get subtext,
I just want to say cheers.
You know what? This calls for champagne.
-Sir? Excuse me, sir? -(snapping softly)
Ugh, this waiter is terrible.
Finally.
We would like your finest champagne
and your longest fork and knife, please.
So, Phil, what line of work you in?
Ooh, what did you order? Mind?
(church bell rings)
I can't believe my little girl's getting married.
You look beautiful, Meg.
Really? You think so?
Uh... uh-huh. Y-Yes.
Five minutes, honey.
The Shropnicks made it all the way in from Colorado.
How about that?
("Canon in D" playing)
Say hi to the Shropnicks. They came a long way.
Hi, guys. Thank you so much for coming all this way.
From Colorado. Where we live.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to celebrate the union of these two very special people
on their very special day.
(quietly) That's Jeffrey, Bruce's longtime boyfriend.
The priest's voice faded out and now it'll fade back in
to show that he's further along in the ceremony.
PRIEST: ...and finally, Edward Zylock.
Fallen heroes, all.
Now, does anyone have any reason
why these two should not be married?
♪ ♪
I do.
-(all gasping) -What? -The bride?
Did you park on the street? I parked on the street.
I'm sorry, I can't do this.
I know you don't really want to marry me.
You're only doing this to make your parents happy.
And I know...
Well, I-I think I know everything.
What gave it away?
When I saw you with your parents.
You obviously just want them off your back.
Plus your iPhoto library
is mostly guys' things next to Comcast remotes.
I only meet the ones that go past the volume button.
Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here?
Mom, Dad, I'm gay.
PETER: (gasps) What?
LOIS: Peter, you knew that.
Is this some kind of joke?
This ain't no joke, Daddy. I like mens.
This feels like an episode that someone
would get a prize for in 1994.
Maybe we should talk about this another time, dear.
No. I want to talk about it now.
I'm gay, and like all gay men, it was a choice I made
when I couldn't find a table at the high school cafeteria.
Cork up those ink pots. We know that's not how it works.
Everyone, thank you for coming,
but I'm afraid there isn't going to be a wedding today.
Oh, yes, there is.
Jeffrey, get your pimply little ass up here.
Jeffrey, will you marry me?
Oh, yes.
Come on, Shropnicks, we're leaving.
Let's start the 21-hour drive home.
You-you guys can't get married in the church.
We don't recognize you as... well, as people.
Ugh, fine.
Everyone, meet us in the Walgreens parking lot
down the street.
Meg, sweetie, are you okay?
You know what, Mom? I am.
Bruce and Jeffrey love each other.
They deserve to be happy.
-And so do I. -Oh, Meg.
Don't make this day about you.
-Oh, Bruce. -Oh, Jeffrey.
Oh...
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
It's nice that they're doing this,
but who's gonna marry them?
By the power vested in me,
I pronounce you husband and husband.
You may kiss when you get home.
Well, we just lost the prize.
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Meg's wedding took up
a little more time than we would have liked this week,
so we didn't get to do everything
we wanted to with my hands.
So, here's a supercut of me having a little fun around town.
We like it a lot. We hope you will, too.
(cheering, applause)
Go, go, go!
♪ ♪
(grunts)
♪ ♪
("Macarena" by Los del Río playing, lyrics in Spanish)
Come on, big money.
Still $300.
-Uh, how about T again? -(buzzer sounds)
♪ ♪
Strike.
ANNOUNCER: Strike three and he knew it.