1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,745 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,897 --> 00:00:07,731 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:11,493 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,554 --> 00:00:14,496 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,557 --> 00:00:18,075 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,093 --> 00:00:21,428 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,580 --> 00:00:22,837 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,857 --> 00:00:24,414 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,475 --> 00:00:30,029 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:34,318 --> 00:00:35,776 Everyone, I want to thank you all 11 00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,520 for helping us decorate for the fall dance. 12 00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:40,688 What's the theme of this dance, anyway? 13 00:00:40,750 --> 00:00:42,266 (chuckles) 14 00:00:42,284 --> 00:00:44,284 Ah, been doing this a long time, Meg. 15 00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:47,621 Literally the next thing out of my mouth. The theme is 16 00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:50,607 Climate Change: Dance like it's the End of the World. 17 00:00:50,626 --> 00:00:52,609 -We're going to... -How do we even decorate for that? 18 00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:55,387 (sighs) We're gonna pump the heat up to 92 19 00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:58,540 and fill the gym up with six inches of water. 20 00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,801 And then, you know, balloons, streamers, all that crap. 21 00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:02,561 So, thanks again. 22 00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:05,046 And if anyone needs anything, just think: 23 00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:06,732 "I'm hanging balloons. 24 00:01:06,883 --> 00:01:09,068 How could I possibly have a question?" 25 00:01:09,261 --> 00:01:10,794 -What do we even... -Meg! 26 00:01:10,854 --> 00:01:13,072 (breathes deeply) 27 00:01:13,265 --> 00:01:15,132 Thanks, guys. 28 00:01:15,192 --> 00:01:17,392 So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I 29 00:01:17,453 --> 00:01:18,819 are finally gonna do it after the dance. 30 00:01:18,913 --> 00:01:20,562 (gasps) You're gonna have sex? 31 00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:22,748 I'm talking about our suicide pact. 32 00:01:22,941 --> 00:01:24,491 (laughs) Oh, my God. 33 00:01:24,627 --> 00:01:26,901 I was like, "Who is this girl?" 34 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,662 So, Meg, who are you going with? 35 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:29,922 Eh, I'm not gonna go. 36 00:01:30,115 --> 00:01:31,924 Oh, come on, you have to. 37 00:01:32,093 --> 00:01:33,333 No one asked me. 38 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,243 I'm not just gonna show up alone. 39 00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:36,929 You can tag along with me and my date. 40 00:01:37,122 --> 00:01:38,322 Patty, no offense, 41 00:01:38,423 --> 00:01:40,081 but the janitor doesn't count as a date. 42 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:42,008 Yeah, that guy's hideous. 43 00:01:42,103 --> 00:01:44,978 Yeah, maybe I won't go with him. 44 00:01:46,390 --> 00:01:48,357 (sighs) 45 00:01:58,494 --> 00:02:01,436 Why's this place so packed tonight? 46 00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:03,455 Because every night has to be some kind of gimmick now. 47 00:02:03,607 --> 00:02:05,958 -Trivia. Karaoke. Beer pong. -So cheap. 48 00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:08,460 What happened to a place where you drink beer and talk? 49 00:02:08,653 --> 00:02:10,370 It might be time to find a new bar. 50 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,465 Hmm. Tonight's Magic Night. 51 00:02:13,658 --> 00:02:15,375 -Would you gentlemen... -We would be delighted 52 00:02:15,527 --> 00:02:17,952 to participate in whatever spectacle you have planned. 53 00:02:18,055 --> 00:02:20,288 Great. Just to warn you ahead of time, 54 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:23,124 my specialty is way-too-close-up magic. 55 00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,385 -Pick a card. -PETER: I-I can't see. 56 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:27,220 -Don't tell me. -PETER: I-I couldn't possibly. 57 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:28,705 -Can you do something else? -Very well. 58 00:02:28,765 --> 00:02:32,467 Let's just say goodbye to these cards. 59 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,378 (screams) Put it out! 60 00:02:34,438 --> 00:02:36,989 I have been The Great Sebastian, 61 00:02:37,182 --> 00:02:40,308 and I bid you good day. 62 00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,977 I think maybe the show's over. 63 00:02:43,038 --> 00:02:45,071 Excuse me, sir? You forgot your ve... 64 00:02:45,224 --> 00:02:46,723 He's gone. 65 00:02:46,783 --> 00:02:49,334 Peter, he's eating a sandwich right in front of you. 66 00:02:49,527 --> 00:02:51,411 Gone. 67 00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,655 Well, least I got his stupid vest. 68 00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,232 Peter, I say this 69 00:02:55,292 --> 00:02:57,584 in the strongest heterosexual way possible, 70 00:02:57,736 --> 00:02:59,403 but it looks really good on you. 71 00:02:59,463 --> 00:03:02,163 Yeah, I say this in the least heterosexual way possible, 72 00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,423 but I shared an ice cream cone 73 00:03:03,559 --> 00:03:05,500 with another adult man last night. 74 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,186 Huh, maybe I'll try it out for a while. 75 00:03:07,337 --> 00:03:09,746 Haven't had a new look since I turned all the boys' heads 76 00:03:09,806 --> 00:03:11,581 with a buxom strut. 77 00:03:11,642 --> 00:03:13,609 ♪ ♪ 78 00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:19,323 I'm all the boys. 79 00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:27,021 Hey, hey, it's the Megalodon. 80 00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:30,375 Bruce Almighty! What it look like, boy? 81 00:03:30,568 --> 00:03:33,937 So, you's not going to the big dance tonight? 82 00:03:33,956 --> 00:03:36,048 Oh. You know about that, huh? 83 00:03:36,241 --> 00:03:38,442 I heard some kids talking in the bathroom 84 00:03:38,502 --> 00:03:40,110 while I was taking a doody. 85 00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:41,611 Yeah, I... 86 00:03:41,630 --> 00:03:44,130 I-I just didn't feel like going, I guess. 87 00:03:45,342 --> 00:03:46,967 Listen, my shift's up in a few minutes. 88 00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:50,303 Can I's interest you in half a lukewarm grilled cheese 89 00:03:50,456 --> 00:03:52,305 -and cold fries? -I'd like that. 90 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,474 And maybe after, we can take edibles 91 00:03:54,626 --> 00:03:56,884 and stare at the solar system carpet. 92 00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,720 -Oh, for sure. -I know a spot 93 00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:01,698 where there ain't too many spills. 94 00:04:05,529 --> 00:04:07,137 Dad, where are you going? 95 00:04:07,197 --> 00:04:09,414 Wearing a vest means I'm a failed actor 96 00:04:09,607 --> 00:04:12,642 who teaches acting in a city that's not New York or L.A. 97 00:04:12,703 --> 00:04:15,087 All right, Shreveport Community Center. 98 00:04:15,238 --> 00:04:18,406 Listen close, for I shall teach you the acting craft. 99 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:21,576 Hey, didn't my husband chase you away from our recycling bin? 100 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:22,910 Use that. 101 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,654 ♪ ♪ 102 00:04:24,715 --> 00:04:28,492 And the award for Best Actress goes to Susan Davis for 103 00:04:28,552 --> 00:04:32,420 Get Away from My Recycling Bin, You Fat, Failed Actor. 104 00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:34,255 -(applause) -She used it. 105 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:37,091 (dialogue inaudible) 106 00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:39,853 Hey, stranger. Are you the new piano player? 107 00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:41,947 I'm wearing a vest, ain't I? 108 00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:43,448 (cracks knuckles) 109 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,284 (playing "Music Box Dancer") 110 00:04:45,452 --> 00:04:47,619 What is this sissy music? 111 00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:50,122 It's Richard Clayderman's "Music Box Dancer." 112 00:04:50,315 --> 00:04:52,624 How are we supposed to brawl to this? 113 00:04:52,817 --> 00:04:54,126 Maybe we don't brawl today. 114 00:04:54,319 --> 00:04:57,462 Maybe we just close our eyes and smile. 115 00:05:00,158 --> 00:05:01,550 (gunshot) 116 00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:05,286 Whoa. Wh-Where am I? 117 00:05:05,347 --> 00:05:06,621 You're a Westworld robot. 118 00:05:06,724 --> 00:05:08,865 You live in a computer-generated simul... 119 00:05:08,925 --> 00:05:10,625 Yeah, I already don't care. 120 00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:12,886 (swing music playing) 121 00:05:13,038 --> 00:05:16,798 Dad, what are we doing at a Cherry Poppin' Daddies concert? 122 00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,317 Well, Chris, I'm wearing a vest. 123 00:05:18,485 --> 00:05:20,802 Figured I'd come dance with other lonely whites. 124 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,063 Let me just connect my really long chain 125 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,972 to my wallet and get in there. 126 00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:27,242 ♪ ♪ 127 00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,664 I'm tangled. I'm tangled in your wallet chains. 128 00:05:32,816 --> 00:05:36,393 Stop! S-Somebody please tell one of the 20 people onstage 129 00:05:36,411 --> 00:05:39,171 to please stop playing. I can't feel my arms. 130 00:05:39,364 --> 00:05:42,156 One of you tattooed Betty Boop ladies, help me. 131 00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:45,068 MAN: Hi, I'm the lead singer of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies. 132 00:05:45,087 --> 00:05:46,753 My name doesn't matter. 133 00:05:46,889 --> 00:05:49,255 Please, don't wear wallet chais to our shows. Otherwise, 134 00:05:49,408 --> 00:05:51,424 you could end up with both arms ripped off like this guy. 135 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,577 MAN 2: Tell them we're the band from Swingers. 136 00:05:53,595 --> 00:05:54,519 MAN: We're not the band from Swingers. 137 00:05:54,671 --> 00:05:56,188 MAN 2: We're not?! 138 00:05:56,339 --> 00:05:57,689 LOIS: Peter. 139 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,024 Peter? 140 00:05:59,217 --> 00:06:01,509 Oh, Peter, thank God you're awake. 141 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:04,270 -Wh-What happened? -This should explain everything. 142 00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:06,423 A Farewell to Arms. 143 00:06:06,525 --> 00:06:09,517 (gasps) I fell in love with a nurse during World War I? 144 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:12,204 No, no, just the title. It's... There's no way you've read that. 145 00:06:12,397 --> 00:06:15,207 N-Never mind. We couldn't reattach your arms. 146 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,101 -Oh, my God! -Don't worry. They'll grow back. 147 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,378 Just spread the seeds on, 148 00:06:19,571 --> 00:06:21,362 keep them watered, and watch them grow. 149 00:06:21,382 --> 00:06:22,756 ♪ P-P-P-Peter. ♪ 150 00:06:25,535 --> 00:06:27,293 See? They're already coming in. 151 00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,370 Probably not gonna be able to have sex 152 00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,297 for, like, a while, though, right? 153 00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:33,950 -I think it should be fine. -Oh, yay. 154 00:06:33,969 --> 00:06:38,230 (laughing) Oh, what, you think I enjoy it? 155 00:06:38,423 --> 00:06:41,458 (dialogue inaudible) 156 00:06:41,518 --> 00:06:43,068 (clears throat) 157 00:06:43,261 --> 00:06:47,297 Oh, hey, y'all. I'll be outside in a minute. 158 00:06:47,357 --> 00:06:49,056 -Who's that? -Oh, he's nobody. 159 00:06:49,118 --> 00:06:51,151 But I see that he wore my belt today. 160 00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:54,154 Listen, I'm sorry you're having problems at school. 161 00:06:54,306 --> 00:06:57,157 Aw, thanks. I've just never fit in there. 162 00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,084 Then I get out at the end of the day 163 00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:02,028 only to realize I don't fit in at home, either. 164 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,255 Preaching to the choir, sister. 165 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:05,665 My parents has never understood me. 166 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,910 Every time I see them, it's, "When you gonna meet a woman? 167 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,503 "When you gonna get married? 168 00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:12,989 "Why don't you ever wear that belt we gave you? 169 00:07:13,091 --> 00:07:14,266 Blah-blah-blah." 170 00:07:14,459 --> 00:07:16,250 (sighs) Meg, my friend, 171 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,419 you and I's two of a kind. 172 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,088 Bruce... i-is this a date? 173 00:07:21,150 --> 00:07:24,258 Well, none of the other tables is shaking their head at us, 174 00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:26,186 but it sure feels like one. 175 00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,171 Well, whatever it is, 176 00:07:28,231 --> 00:07:29,931 thanks for hanging out with me tonight. 177 00:07:29,992 --> 00:07:31,691 I really needed the company. 178 00:07:31,843 --> 00:07:35,178 Oh, please. Thank you for hanging out with me. 179 00:07:35,238 --> 00:07:37,414 ♪ ♪ 180 00:07:48,084 --> 00:07:50,860 Guess who has a boyfriend! 181 00:07:50,921 --> 00:07:53,029 -Come on. -Hey, y'all. 182 00:07:53,089 --> 00:07:55,048 Uh, hi. 183 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:57,383 Lois, can I please see you in Joe's kitchen? 184 00:07:57,519 --> 00:07:59,052 Don't you mean our kitchen? 185 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,479 No, they have better snacks. 186 00:08:00,630 --> 00:08:03,815 So, Meg's boyfriend. Interesting choice. 187 00:08:03,967 --> 00:08:06,467 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I know Joe has Cheez-Its. 188 00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:08,487 I saw him eating them earlier. Where the hell are they? 189 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:10,304 JOE: You're not gonna find them. 190 00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,491 I was eating a bunch of them, and I jokingly said, 191 00:08:12,642 --> 00:08:14,475 "Bonnie, hide these." And she did. 192 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:18,054 She hides my food so I don't get bored like a zoo polar bear. 193 00:08:18,156 --> 00:08:20,290 Good luck. They could be anywhere. 194 00:08:26,924 --> 00:08:29,674 Hey, y'all. Nice to meet youse. 195 00:08:29,867 --> 00:08:32,994 -Isn't that, like, a 50-year-old gay guy? -Chris! 196 00:08:33,055 --> 00:08:34,237 Yeah, Stewie, isn't Bruce gay? 197 00:08:34,297 --> 00:08:36,239 (scoffs) How should I know, man? 198 00:08:36,258 --> 00:08:37,665 I should be the one asking you that. 199 00:08:37,726 --> 00:08:39,425 -Okay. -Yeah, okay. 200 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,245 (grunting) 201 00:08:42,305 --> 00:08:44,430 Bruce, don't you live on our street? 202 00:08:44,583 --> 00:08:46,024 Yeah, I'm the house on the corner. 203 00:08:46,217 --> 00:08:48,193 You know, the incongruous purple one 204 00:08:48,344 --> 00:08:49,936 with all the desert plants? 205 00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:52,847 Ah, yes, I know it well. I've left my dog's expulsions 206 00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,515 on your Astroturf many times. 207 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:56,684 Welcome to our home. Put her there. 208 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:58,036 Um, wh-where? 209 00:08:58,229 --> 00:09:00,455 The hand, you blockhead. 210 00:09:05,903 --> 00:09:08,271 Hey, boo, we should probably get going. 211 00:09:08,290 --> 00:09:10,123 Where are you two lovebirds off to? 212 00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,533 The waxing place. Bruce is getting a treatment. 213 00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:14,869 I'm just getting an estimate from my team. 214 00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:17,138 Oh, gross. 215 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,877 Peter, why is our daughter dating a gay man? 216 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,378 Lois, I don't even pretend 217 00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,064 to know what's going on out there anymore. 218 00:09:26,257 --> 00:09:27,957 Meg's completely oblivious to it. 219 00:09:28,018 --> 00:09:30,217 You know, what I'd like to know is why he's doing this. 220 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:32,053 Is it really such a bad thing, Lois? 221 00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,813 I mean, they're having fun with each other. 222 00:09:33,965 --> 00:09:35,556 Speaking of having fun, 223 00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:38,985 what do you say you and I do a little of the old, uh... 224 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,704 Eh? 225 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,141 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 226 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:48,086 Are you okay to swim like that? 227 00:09:48,279 --> 00:09:50,071 (chuckles) Am I okay to swim? 228 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,590 (shouts) I'm not. 229 00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:54,092 I can only flap about like a motorized tub toy. 230 00:09:54,285 --> 00:09:56,094 Please help me. And hurry. 231 00:09:56,287 --> 00:09:59,080 I'm about to get hit by the old retired guy doing laps. 232 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:00,840 Quick! He can't hear me 233 00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,992 because there's an investment commercial playing in his head. 234 00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:05,086 COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: What are your retirement goals? 235 00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:07,088 Swimming past a tiny-armed fat guy 236 00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:08,681 flailing in a public pool? 237 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:11,334 T. Rowe Price. We've got you covered. 238 00:10:11,394 --> 00:10:14,988 Look at that guy. He did everything right. 239 00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,784 Hey, what you doing? 240 00:10:19,977 --> 00:10:23,455 I... just won a 30-pound bag of wood chips on eBay. 241 00:10:23,624 --> 00:10:25,457 -What's up with you? -(chuckles) Listen, 242 00:10:25,626 --> 00:10:28,034 I wanted to talk to you about Bruce. 243 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,276 Isn't he the best? 244 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:31,129 Uh-huh. Yeah, he's great. 245 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,949 But you haven't noticed anything different about him? 246 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,618 -Like what? -Well, I-I don't know how to talk about this, 247 00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:41,547 but here's a film my father made me watch when I was your age. 248 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,624 NARRATOR: Then during lunch, 249 00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,718 Ralph showed him some pornographic pictures. 250 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,720 Jimmy knew he shouldn't be interested, 251 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,555 but, well, he was curious. 252 00:10:49,691 --> 00:10:51,816 What Jimmy didn't know was that Ralph was sick-- 253 00:10:52,009 --> 00:10:55,728 a sickness that was not visible like smallpox, 254 00:10:55,881 --> 00:10:57,989 but no less dangerous and contagious-- 255 00:10:58,182 --> 00:11:00,233 a sickness of the mind. 256 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,852 You see, Ralph was a homosexual, 257 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:05,980 a person who demands an intimate relationship 258 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,815 with members of their own sex... 259 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,668 Is that Earth? 260 00:11:09,861 --> 00:11:14,063 Oh, for Pete's sake, I am 99% sure Bruce is gay. 261 00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:16,900 What? Mom, he works part-time at Lush. 262 00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:21,087 It's him and, like, ten girls. Trust me, guy's a total P-hound. 263 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,422 Listen, I'm just trying to... 264 00:11:22,516 --> 00:11:24,240 Oh, I know what you're trying to do. 265 00:11:24,259 --> 00:11:26,000 Pathetic little Meg is happy for once, 266 00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,668 and you just can't take it. 267 00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:28,836 And I get it, okay? 268 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:30,263 You're in a miserable marriage, 269 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,749 so why would you want anyone else to be happy? 270 00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:34,250 Meg, that's ridiculous. 271 00:11:34,310 --> 00:11:36,436 Your father and I love each other very much. 272 00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,345 Lois, where's the first aid kit? 273 00:11:38,407 --> 00:11:41,515 I tried to put a Ellio's in the oven and I burnt my head. 274 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:44,035 -Top of the closet. -Oh, that little case? 275 00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:47,096 I've been taking that to work to look like a businessman. 276 00:11:47,157 --> 00:11:49,290 Hold the elevator. Hold the elevator. 277 00:11:50,234 --> 00:11:51,617 Sorry. 278 00:11:51,753 --> 00:11:53,545 Can someone push any button, please? 279 00:11:53,738 --> 00:11:56,548 I don't work here, I'm just being silly. 280 00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:03,888 (whoops) I am throwing rocks tonight. 281 00:12:04,081 --> 00:12:05,206 Mark it, Bruce. 282 00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:07,951 Dang, Meg, you are hot tonight. 283 00:12:08,011 --> 00:12:09,877 And you're not so bad yourself. 284 00:12:09,938 --> 00:12:11,229 (laughs nervously) 285 00:12:11,422 --> 00:12:13,189 (phone ringing, vibrating) 286 00:12:15,059 --> 00:12:16,976 Ugh. My mother is so annoying. 287 00:12:17,128 --> 00:12:19,738 She's got some kind of hair across her ass about us. 288 00:12:19,931 --> 00:12:22,556 -Oh, no. -I know. 289 00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,909 I told my folks about you and they lit up 290 00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:27,078 -like a Christmas tree. -Really? 291 00:12:27,271 --> 00:12:29,472 You bet your sugar cookies they did. 292 00:12:29,491 --> 00:12:31,065 They's coming to town tomorrow. 293 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:34,160 But there's something I wanted to ask you before that. 294 00:12:34,312 --> 00:12:37,313 Babe, I told you, I really don't want to sell Herbalife. 295 00:12:37,332 --> 00:12:38,815 We'll give that time, 296 00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:41,167 but this is something a little more special. 297 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:44,337 Meg Harvey Oswald Griffin, will you... 298 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:48,157 Hey, hi. So, I told you about ten minutes ago 299 00:12:48,218 --> 00:12:50,084 something's wrong with 14. 300 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,511 Yep, somebody's working on it, sir. 301 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,087 KID: Dad, what's going on? 302 00:12:53,148 --> 00:12:54,939 KID 2: This sucks. I want to go home. 303 00:12:55,132 --> 00:12:57,091 Please. My wife's out of town. 304 00:12:57,194 --> 00:13:00,336 I-I don't know what else to do. 305 00:13:00,396 --> 00:13:03,022 You have to help me. 306 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,284 You have to help me right now. 307 00:13:06,435 --> 00:13:08,011 Should just be another couple minutes. 308 00:13:08,029 --> 00:13:09,954 KID 2: Dad, Tyson spilled fruit punch on me. 309 00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:11,122 KID: No, I didn't. 310 00:13:11,315 --> 00:13:13,291 KID 2: Dad! 311 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,418 (sighs) 312 00:13:24,087 --> 00:13:25,637 Meg, there you are. 313 00:13:25,830 --> 00:13:28,122 -Look, I wanted to apologize and... -No need, Mom. 314 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,291 Let me show you just how wrong you were. 315 00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:33,311 Bruce and I are engaged! 316 00:13:33,504 --> 00:13:35,313 -What? -PETER: Engaged? 317 00:13:35,464 --> 00:13:37,798 No daughter of mine is getting married at 18. 318 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:40,568 I forbid it. Forbidden! 319 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:53,480 Peter, I'm sorry, I'm just not okay 320 00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:56,835 with our daughter marrying someone who is clearly gay. 321 00:13:57,028 --> 00:13:58,561 You know, you're starting to sound 322 00:13:58,621 --> 00:14:00,487 an awful lot like your own mother. 323 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,989 This isn't gonna be good for either of them. 324 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,766 Lois, let me ask you something. 325 00:14:03,793 --> 00:14:06,511 What's the best-case scenario for someone like Meg? 326 00:14:06,704 --> 00:14:10,089 Dying alone in a lighthouse? Maybe Bruce changed. 327 00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:12,075 And-and either way, Meg's happy for once. 328 00:14:12,093 --> 00:14:13,476 I say we go with it. 329 00:14:14,971 --> 00:14:16,688 It's gonna be all right. 330 00:14:16,839 --> 00:14:17,930 No, it's not gonna be all right. 331 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:19,173 It's never gonna be all right again 332 00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:20,433 if they go through with this. 333 00:14:20,585 --> 00:14:22,176 Peter, we got to do... 334 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,103 Get a hold of yourself, woman. She's coming downstairs. 335 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,589 Well, there's the bride-to-be. 336 00:14:26,649 --> 00:14:28,608 -Oh, hey, Mom. -Listen, Meg, 337 00:14:28,760 --> 00:14:30,943 I was hoping we could put all this behind us. 338 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,762 I'd like that. 339 00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:35,615 That's better. And I'm sorry for what I said about Bruce. 340 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:39,285 If you love him, then your father and I fully support it. 341 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,528 Thanks, Mom. Speaking of which, 342 00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:43,623 I'm finally gonna meet Bruce's parents. 343 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,775 Would you guys want to come to dinner with us? 344 00:14:45,793 --> 00:14:48,294 -Oh, we'd love to come. -Oh, thank you, Mom. 345 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,889 Family hug. Bring it in. 346 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,057 Seriously, you got to bring it in. 347 00:14:54,919 --> 00:14:58,379 Oh, Meg, I haven't seen you smile like this in a long time. 348 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,732 Probably not since you were in that music video. 349 00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:06,154 ♪ Black hole sun, won't you come... ♪ 350 00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:12,802 I can't believe my little girl is getting married tomorrow. 351 00:15:12,862 --> 00:15:14,654 Hey, hey, everybody. 352 00:15:14,806 --> 00:15:17,749 I'd like you to meet my parents Phil and Candy Straight. 353 00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:20,251 Peter Griffin. My arms were torn off at a concert. 354 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:24,422 So, these two lovebirds are gonna tie the knot. 355 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:28,334 Yes, a heterosexual marriage, just like you always wanted. 356 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,154 And I did, too. All of us did. 357 00:15:31,255 --> 00:15:33,005 Well, as someone who doesn't get subtext, 358 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,249 I just want to say cheers. 359 00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:37,584 You know what? This calls for champagne. 360 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:39,437 -Sir? Excuse me, sir? -(snapping softly) 361 00:15:39,630 --> 00:15:41,681 Ugh, this waiter is terrible. 362 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,090 Finally. 363 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,684 We would like your finest champagne 364 00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:47,403 and your longest fork and knife, please. 365 00:15:48,731 --> 00:15:50,597 So, Phil, what line of work you in? 366 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:53,159 Ooh, what did you order? Mind? 367 00:15:54,979 --> 00:15:57,680 (church bell rings) 368 00:15:57,740 --> 00:16:00,850 I can't believe my little girl's getting married. 369 00:16:00,910 --> 00:16:02,201 You look beautiful, Meg. 370 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,203 Really? You think so? 371 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:08,040 Uh... uh-huh. Y-Yes. 372 00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,343 Five minutes, honey. 373 00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,455 The Shropnicks made it all the way in from Colorado. 374 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:15,789 How about that? 375 00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:18,059 ("Canon in D" playing) 376 00:16:22,506 --> 00:16:24,707 Say hi to the Shropnicks. They came a long way. 377 00:16:24,767 --> 00:16:28,152 Hi, guys. Thank you so much for coming all this way. 378 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:31,030 From Colorado. Where we live. 379 00:16:32,608 --> 00:16:35,493 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today 380 00:16:35,644 --> 00:16:40,147 to celebrate the union of these two very special people 381 00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,558 on their very special day. 382 00:16:42,618 --> 00:16:44,818 (quietly) That's Jeffrey, Bruce's longtime boyfriend. 383 00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:47,672 The priest's voice faded out and now it'll fade back in 384 00:16:47,823 --> 00:16:49,656 to show that he's further along in the ceremony. 385 00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,159 PRIEST: ...and finally, Edward Zylock. 386 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:54,420 Fallen heroes, all. 387 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,014 Now, does anyone have any reason 388 00:16:56,165 --> 00:16:58,266 why these two should not be married? 389 00:17:03,047 --> 00:17:05,189 ♪ ♪ 390 00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:16,609 I do. 391 00:17:16,761 --> 00:17:18,202 -(all gasping) -What? -The bride? 392 00:17:18,395 --> 00:17:20,154 Did you park on the street? I parked on the street. 393 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,040 I'm sorry, I can't do this. 394 00:17:22,233 --> 00:17:24,116 I know you don't really want to marry me. 395 00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:27,270 You're only doing this to make your parents happy. 396 00:17:27,330 --> 00:17:30,106 And I know... 397 00:17:30,166 --> 00:17:34,277 Well, I-I think I know everything. 398 00:17:34,337 --> 00:17:36,578 What gave it away? 399 00:17:36,598 --> 00:17:38,464 When I saw you with your parents. 400 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,800 You obviously just want them off your back. 401 00:17:40,952 --> 00:17:42,451 Plus your iPhoto library 402 00:17:42,553 --> 00:17:44,896 is mostly guys' things next to Comcast remotes. 403 00:17:45,089 --> 00:17:48,624 I only meet the ones that go past the volume button. 404 00:17:48,684 --> 00:17:51,444 Someone want to tell me what the hell is going on here? 405 00:17:54,991 --> 00:17:58,392 Mom, Dad, I'm gay. 406 00:17:58,453 --> 00:18:00,136 PETER: (gasps) What? 407 00:18:00,196 --> 00:18:01,821 LOIS: Peter, you knew that. 408 00:18:01,973 --> 00:18:03,230 Is this some kind of joke? 409 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:06,659 This ain't no joke, Daddy. I like mens. 410 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,753 This feels like an episode that someone 411 00:18:08,946 --> 00:18:10,980 would get a prize for in 1994. 412 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,333 Maybe we should talk about this another time, dear. 413 00:18:14,485 --> 00:18:16,410 No. I want to talk about it now. 414 00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:19,989 I'm gay, and like all gay men, it was a choice I made 415 00:18:20,091 --> 00:18:23,417 when I couldn't find a table at the high school cafeteria. 416 00:18:23,478 --> 00:18:26,679 Cork up those ink pots. We know that's not how it works. 417 00:18:26,831 --> 00:18:28,422 Everyone, thank you for coming, 418 00:18:28,483 --> 00:18:31,925 but I'm afraid there isn't going to be a wedding today. 419 00:18:31,986 --> 00:18:33,519 Oh, yes, there is. 420 00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:36,739 Jeffrey, get your pimply little ass up here. 421 00:18:38,343 --> 00:18:40,934 Jeffrey, will you marry me? 422 00:18:40,995 --> 00:18:43,621 Oh, yes. 423 00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,442 Come on, Shropnicks, we're leaving. 424 00:18:48,503 --> 00:18:52,463 Let's start the 21-hour drive home. 425 00:18:52,656 --> 00:18:55,633 You-you guys can't get married in the church. 426 00:18:55,784 --> 00:18:59,786 We don't recognize you as... well, as people. 427 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,455 Ugh, fine. 428 00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:04,200 Everyone, meet us in the Walgreens parking lot 429 00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:06,644 down the street. 430 00:19:06,837 --> 00:19:09,647 Meg, sweetie, are you okay? 431 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,375 You know what, Mom? I am. 432 00:19:12,435 --> 00:19:14,393 Bruce and Jeffrey love each other. 433 00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,395 They deserve to be happy. 434 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,381 -And so do I. -Oh, Meg. 435 00:19:18,441 --> 00:19:20,399 Don't make this day about you. 436 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:23,552 -Oh, Bruce. -Oh, Jeffrey. 437 00:19:23,654 --> 00:19:25,221 Oh... 438 00:19:25,323 --> 00:19:26,831 No, no, no, no. 439 00:19:27,024 --> 00:19:28,649 No, no, no, no, no. 440 00:19:28,710 --> 00:19:30,209 No. 441 00:19:34,698 --> 00:19:36,340 It's nice that they're doing this, 442 00:19:36,533 --> 00:19:38,067 but who's gonna marry them? 443 00:19:38,127 --> 00:19:40,494 By the power vested in me, 444 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,181 I pronounce you husband and husband. 445 00:19:43,374 --> 00:19:45,257 You may kiss when you get home. 446 00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:46,726 Well, we just lost the prize. 447 00:19:49,914 --> 00:19:49,929 Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Meg's wedding took up 448 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,266 a little more time than we would have liked this week, 449 00:19:54,419 --> 00:19:55,300 so we didn't get to do everything 450 00:19:55,453 --> 00:19:57,086 we wanted to with my hands. 451 00:19:57,188 --> 00:19:59,680 So, here's a supercut of me having a little fun around town. 452 00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:02,107 We like it a lot. We hope you will, too. 453 00:20:02,202 --> 00:20:03,868 (cheering, applause) 454 00:20:04,061 --> 00:20:05,761 Go, go, go! 455 00:20:05,821 --> 00:20:07,997 ♪ ♪ 456 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,451 (grunts) 457 00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:14,587 ♪ ♪ 458 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,717 ♪ ♪ 459 00:20:23,965 --> 00:20:27,183 ("Macarena" by Los del Río playing, lyrics in Spanish) 460 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,642 Come on, big money. 461 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,143 Still $300. 462 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:41,054 -Uh, how about T again? -(buzzer sounds) 463 00:20:41,115 --> 00:20:43,282 ♪ ♪ 464 00:20:51,476 --> 00:20:52,733 Strike. 465 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,627 ANNOUNCER: Strike three and he knew it.