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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 11x08 ♪
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Original Air Date on December 23, 2012
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00:00:31,607 --> 00:00:36,607
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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Do you want an excuse
to not go home this Christmas?
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Then fly Northwest Airlines.
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At Northwest Airlines,
thousands of employees
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are dedicated to delaying
and cancelling flights
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so you won't get home
for the holidays.
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No way I'm getting you
on your connecting flight.
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No way we're taking off on time.
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Don't worry, I'm taking
this flight back to the gate.
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Do you think Jeff will
make it home this year?
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No way--
because Jeff flew Northwest.
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Thanks, Northwest.
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I hate my family.
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Ah, that looks great.
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You know, I think this is gonna
be our best Christmas ever.
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Yeah, but don't get
your hopes up, Lois.
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I couldn't afford to get you
what I got you last year.
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I know how you
like that song,
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so I got you two
turtledoves.
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Where did you get these?
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I went to a scientist and had
them genetically engineered.
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Fly, beautiful turtledoves.
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00:01:24,916 --> 00:01:26,851
Bring Christmas cheer to all.
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Everybody outside-- we'll do
the rest of Christmas outside!
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Go, go, go!
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00:01:33,025 --> 00:01:37,261
Look, Stewie, I'm hanging the
ornament you made at preschool.
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Just hang it up.
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Why do you have to narrate
everything you do?
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Peter, you want to put
the star on top of the...
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Hang on, hang on, Lois,
I always wanted to do this.
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Wait a second.
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It's coming.
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There it is!
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Huh?
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Eh, it's something,
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00:01:55,914 --> 00:01:57,815
but you still
got a leftover "R."
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This was hard.
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I did this for you!
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This one's my favorite ornament.
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00:02:03,572 --> 00:02:06,173
I can only imagine what it
must have been like for them
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00:02:06,208 --> 00:02:08,109
on that very first Christmas.
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00:02:08,143 --> 00:02:09,693
Yeah, it was probably
very moving...
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and fictional.
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Jesus lived with us
for, like, a week.
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What else do you need?
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It's the greatest
story ever told, Meg.
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00:02:16,384 --> 00:02:19,019
A story that goes back
over a hundred years.
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Yay, Star Wars!
No, Chris.
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It's the story of Christmas
and the Immaculate Conception.
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You guys were born
the dirty way.
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Now, gather around, everybody,
and hear the awe-inspiring tale
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that's caused millions
and millions of deaths.
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Many years ago
there was a hardworking
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young carpenter named Joseph,
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00:02:36,922 --> 00:02:39,590
and one day, Joseph and his
friend Robby were hanging...
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00:02:39,624 --> 00:02:41,542
Guy's name was Robby back then?
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00:02:41,593 --> 00:02:43,227
The Bible is fuzzy on that.
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00:02:43,261 --> 00:02:44,678
Anyway, Joseph and Robby
were hanging out
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00:02:44,713 --> 00:02:46,430
one day when this happened...
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00:02:46,465 --> 00:02:48,716
So, I went to see that new
Oedipus play last week.
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Took my mother-- talk
about an awkward ride home.
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Barely got a good-night kiss.
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00:02:52,804 --> 00:02:54,805
Hey, Joseph,
check it out.
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00:02:58,193 --> 00:03:00,761
Oh, my God,
look at that body.
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00:03:00,796 --> 00:03:03,664
Can't you just imagine her
standing on people's front lawns
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00:03:03,698 --> 00:03:05,266
inside a cut-in-half bathtub?
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00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:08,352
You should go talk to her
and see if she can talk.
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Uh, hi.
I'm... I'm Joseph.
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Oh, hello. I'm Mary.
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00:03:13,425 --> 00:03:17,027
Listen, um, I was wondering if
you'd like to go out sometime.
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00:03:17,062 --> 00:03:18,963
Well, sure.
That sounds nice.
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00:03:18,997 --> 00:03:21,198
You know, there's
a beautiful spot outside of town
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00:03:21,233 --> 00:03:23,067
where they dump
all the foreskins.
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You can sit on top
and watch the sunset.
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00:03:25,570 --> 00:03:27,071
Oh, great, and maybe
we could slaughter a lamb
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and light it on fire
so that it rains.
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00:03:29,074 --> 00:03:30,975
Well, let's not
go too fast.
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Listen, I'll see
you later, okay?
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I've got to go sit in a
circle with the other women
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and stare off
into the fields.
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00:03:37,165 --> 00:03:38,715
All right,
you got a date.
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00:03:38,733 --> 00:03:40,835
Yeah, I just hope it goes
better than my last one.
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Wow, Joseph,
that was great.
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00:03:43,371 --> 00:03:45,456
Yeah, I got to say
I'm a little disappointed.
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00:03:45,490 --> 00:03:47,091
When you said I could do you
in your "mudhut,"
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I thought you meant
something else.
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00:03:50,328 --> 00:03:52,246
And so Mary and Joseph
began their courtship.
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00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,748
But even after several dates,
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00:03:54,783 --> 00:03:56,734
Joseph couldn't get
to first base.
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00:03:56,768 --> 00:03:58,285
Not just because
Mary was a virgin,
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but because baseball would not
be invented for 1,800 years
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00:04:01,223 --> 00:04:03,257
and nobody knew what the hell
he was talking about.
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00:04:03,291 --> 00:04:06,577
You know this is the same picnic
basket we drowned my sister in.
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00:04:06,595 --> 00:04:08,179
It was back when they were like,
"Drown all the girls,"
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00:04:08,213 --> 00:04:10,247
and then they were like,
"Don't drown all the girls,"
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00:04:10,282 --> 00:04:13,551
but she was born on a
drowning week, so, you know.
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Oh, look at that--
there's hardly any blood.
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You're very healthy.
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00:04:19,357 --> 00:04:21,375
Well, I try
to take care of myself.
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00:04:21,409 --> 00:04:24,111
Joseph, this is the most
fun I've had in a while.
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00:04:24,145 --> 00:04:25,646
That's good, that's good.
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00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,414
Pull your pants down.
What?
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00:04:27,449 --> 00:04:29,216
Come on, this is
our seventh date.
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00:04:29,251 --> 00:04:30,551
It's completely natural.
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00:04:30,585 --> 00:04:32,219
Birds do it, bees do it,
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00:04:32,254 --> 00:04:34,221
dinosaurs whom we live
alongside do it.
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00:04:34,256 --> 00:04:35,489
Joseph, I can't.
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00:04:35,523 --> 00:04:36,924
People will talk.
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00:04:36,958 --> 00:04:38,459
So, what?
They'll talk in Aramaic.
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00:04:38,493 --> 00:04:39,994
Do you understand that?
I don't.
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00:04:40,028 --> 00:04:43,247
Look, you're very sweet,
but I have to save myself.
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00:04:43,281 --> 00:04:45,849
For who? There's only
30 people in the whole world
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and you're related
to half of them.
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00:04:47,786 --> 00:04:49,720
I can't believe how hard
you're making me work.
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00:04:49,754 --> 00:04:52,623
Well, I do have
a very good virginity coach.
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00:04:52,657 --> 00:04:55,059
No, no, no.
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00:04:55,093 --> 00:04:57,161
Okay, I think I got it.
How's this?
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00:04:57,195 --> 00:05:00,965
No, no, no.
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00:05:00,999 --> 00:05:04,635
No, no, no.
130
00:05:04,669 --> 00:05:06,103
Look, I can't explain it,
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00:05:06,137 --> 00:05:08,272
but something is
telling me to wait.
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00:05:08,306 --> 00:05:10,641
Something deep,
deep inside of me.
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00:05:10,675 --> 00:05:12,343
Stop talking like that
or I swear to God
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00:05:12,377 --> 00:05:14,078
I'm gonna Pompeii
all over this blanket.
135
00:05:14,112 --> 00:05:15,679
Oh, you're silly.
136
00:05:15,714 --> 00:05:17,915
Come on, let's
just watch the show.
137
00:05:21,102 --> 00:05:22,469
Wow, she's really getting it.
138
00:05:22,504 --> 00:05:24,838
Yeah, I know that girl--
that's Donna Magdalene,
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00:05:24,873 --> 00:05:27,958
and her sister's a
bigger slut than she is.
140
00:05:31,863 --> 00:05:34,865
You know, we Jews got it right,
working with our hands.
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00:05:34,899 --> 00:05:37,534
Yeah, let those eggheads
in Rome do the brain work,
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00:05:37,569 --> 00:05:39,503
we Jews will do the brawn work.
143
00:05:39,537 --> 00:05:41,689
Hey, Italians, put a book
down once in a while.
144
00:05:41,723 --> 00:05:43,140
Yeah, yeah, right.
Definitely, yeah.
145
00:05:43,174 --> 00:05:44,591
Put a book down.
146
00:05:44,626 --> 00:05:46,160
Hey, so, uh,
you've been seeing
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00:05:46,194 --> 00:05:47,861
that girl Mary
for some time now.
148
00:05:47,896 --> 00:05:49,063
She's pretty smoking.
149
00:05:49,097 --> 00:05:50,514
Aw, man, she is so hot.
150
00:05:50,532 --> 00:05:53,100
She's gonna go down in history
as "Hot Bitch Mary."
151
00:05:53,134 --> 00:05:54,802
You know, I'm thinking
of popping the question.
152
00:05:54,836 --> 00:05:56,704
Really?
Yeah, I figure I'm 14 now,
153
00:05:56,738 --> 00:05:58,355
I'm not getting
any younger.
154
00:05:58,390 --> 00:06:00,124
Hey, look,
it's the burning bush!
155
00:06:00,158 --> 00:06:01,875
Hail Mary,
full of guys.
156
00:06:01,910 --> 00:06:04,011
Oh come all
ye face-full.
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00:06:04,045 --> 00:06:05,980
Come on, guys,
that's really dirty.
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00:06:06,014 --> 00:06:07,014
Hi, Joseph.
159
00:06:07,048 --> 00:06:08,582
Hey, Mary,
what's going on?
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00:06:08,616 --> 00:06:10,184
Oh, I just thought
I'd take a break
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00:06:10,218 --> 00:06:12,419
from pooping in the open
street to come see you.
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00:06:12,454 --> 00:06:13,687
That's nice.
163
00:06:13,722 --> 00:06:15,622
Listen, can you
come by my house later?
164
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There's something important
I have to share with you.
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00:06:18,059 --> 00:06:19,059
Okay, sure.
166
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I'll come by
around that part
167
00:06:20,228 --> 00:06:21,562
of the day when
the sun goes away
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and we're all terrified
it will never come back.
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Okay, bye.
170
00:06:25,350 --> 00:06:27,017
Wow, you're a
lucky man, Joseph.
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00:06:27,052 --> 00:06:28,051
I know.
172
00:06:28,069 --> 00:06:29,770
So, what have you
got going on later?
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00:06:29,804 --> 00:06:31,889
I think I might hang
out in the town square.
174
00:06:31,923 --> 00:06:34,191
I hear an oracle from Greece
is sending a funny message
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00:06:34,225 --> 00:06:36,160
and I want to be
there when it arrives.
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Penis.
Ha.
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00:06:56,514 --> 00:06:57,815
Hey, Mary.
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00:06:57,849 --> 00:06:59,299
Oh, hi, Joseph.
Come on in.
179
00:06:59,351 --> 00:07:01,051
Thanks, hey, listen
I just got tickets
180
00:07:01,086 --> 00:07:02,236
to see Cher in Bethlehem.
181
00:07:02,270 --> 00:07:03,404
You want to go?
182
00:07:03,438 --> 00:07:05,706
I guess-- how close
are the seats?
183
00:07:05,740 --> 00:07:06,974
Row L-X-V-I.
184
00:07:07,008 --> 00:07:08,375
That sounds great.
185
00:07:08,410 --> 00:07:11,545
But, look, Joseph, there's
something I have to tell you.
186
00:07:11,579 --> 00:07:12,980
I'm pregnant.
187
00:07:13,014 --> 00:07:14,114
From my finger?
188
00:07:14,149 --> 00:07:15,582
No, you don't understand.
189
00:07:15,617 --> 00:07:18,218
God has blessed me
with his child.
190
00:07:18,253 --> 00:07:20,788
You banged Kevin God
from South Nazareth?
191
00:07:20,822 --> 00:07:23,490
No, no, Joseph,
I mean God.
192
00:07:23,525 --> 00:07:25,659
I'm carrying God's baby.
193
00:07:25,693 --> 00:07:27,928
He-he sent down an angel.
194
00:07:36,054 --> 00:07:37,154
Fear not, pretty lady
195
00:07:37,188 --> 00:07:39,323
who ain't never
had no relations.
196
00:07:39,357 --> 00:07:42,092
I's been sent to bring you
the message that tonight
197
00:07:42,127 --> 00:07:44,995
you's gonna be getting
pregnant with the Son of God.
198
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:46,980
It's a miracle, yay!
199
00:07:47,015 --> 00:07:48,182
I am?
200
00:07:48,216 --> 00:07:50,134
Yeah, and it's gonna
be here soon,
201
00:07:50,168 --> 00:07:51,735
so you might want
to spruce yourself up.
202
00:07:51,770 --> 00:07:53,670
Maybe walk in the
creek a little bit.
203
00:07:53,705 --> 00:07:56,206
Oh, and he probably don't
want me to tell you this,
204
00:07:56,241 --> 00:07:57,975
but be ready 'cause
he might give you
205
00:07:58,009 --> 00:08:00,043
a little bit of
a donkey punch.
206
00:08:00,078 --> 00:08:01,945
So you're saying God
got you pregnant?
207
00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:05,082
Yes, Joseph.
Glory in the highest!
208
00:08:05,116 --> 00:08:07,317
Well, if it his will,
then his will be done,
209
00:08:07,352 --> 00:08:09,119
and I am but his
humble servant.
210
00:08:09,154 --> 00:08:10,287
But I do have one question.
211
00:08:10,321 --> 00:08:11,488
Was he bigger than me?
212
00:08:11,523 --> 00:08:13,157
Joseph,
it wasn't like that.
213
00:08:13,191 --> 00:08:15,225
I felt nothing.
214
00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:16,910
Oh, little guy.
215
00:08:22,308 --> 00:08:24,976
We now return
to A Christmas Carol.
216
00:08:27,096 --> 00:08:30,014
I am the Ghost
of Christmas Past.
217
00:08:30,048 --> 00:08:31,683
Oh, hello.
218
00:08:31,717 --> 00:08:34,736
I am here to show you
how you lost your way.
219
00:08:34,770 --> 00:08:36,571
Um, oh, okay.
220
00:08:36,605 --> 00:08:38,406
How long is this gonna take?
221
00:08:38,441 --> 00:08:40,992
I don't know,
maybe eight minutes?
222
00:08:41,026 --> 00:08:44,446
Okay, hang on, I just
got to use the bathroom.
223
00:09:41,554 --> 00:09:44,255
I am the Ghost
of Christmas Pres...
224
00:09:44,290 --> 00:09:46,925
Wait, you haven't gone yet?
No.
225
00:09:46,959 --> 00:09:49,360
Okay, here we go.
226
00:09:49,395 --> 00:09:52,797
Sorry this is turning
into something else.
227
00:09:52,832 --> 00:09:54,799
All right, kids,
gather around.
228
00:09:54,834 --> 00:09:57,719
Time to make our yearly terrible
call to Great Aunt Helen.
229
00:10:01,423 --> 00:10:03,291
Hello?
230
00:10:03,325 --> 00:10:07,028
Hi, Aunt Helen, it's Peter,
Lois and the whole family.
231
00:10:08,898 --> 00:10:10,899
Peter's lowest what?
We're calling to say Merry Christmas...
232
00:10:13,269 --> 00:10:15,737
Are you there, dear?
We-we were just calling to...
233
00:10:17,273 --> 00:10:19,457
We had quite a cold snap here.
I hope you got our card.
234
00:10:19,491 --> 00:10:21,492
Okay, nobody talk-- we'll
just wait for her to talk.
235
00:10:26,298 --> 00:10:27,999
Are you still there, dear?
Well, we just wanted to...
236
00:10:28,033 --> 00:10:29,968
Damn it!
237
00:10:30,002 --> 00:10:32,103
So, how was the...
It's been rather cold.
238
00:10:32,137 --> 00:10:34,873
The pond froze over
a family of raccoons.
239
00:10:37,309 --> 00:10:38,910
Are you there, dear?
All right, well, Merry Christmas.
240
00:10:38,944 --> 00:10:42,580
Dad, can we hear more of that
story about the baby Jesus?
241
00:10:42,615 --> 00:10:44,749
Ah, right. Now
everybody listen up
242
00:10:44,783 --> 00:10:47,619
while I stuff the rest of this
rhetoric down your throats.
243
00:10:47,653 --> 00:10:48,853
Now, if you remember,
244
00:10:48,871 --> 00:10:52,407
Mary and Joseph were on
their way to Bethlehem.
245
00:10:54,493 --> 00:10:56,527
Uch, look at that.
246
00:10:56,545 --> 00:10:57,996
I remember when this
was all desert.
247
00:10:58,030 --> 00:10:59,363
You know, when
the baby comes,
248
00:10:59,381 --> 00:11:01,082
we could probably
homeschool him.
249
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:03,301
I can count up to nine.
250
00:11:03,335 --> 00:11:05,369
Yeah, hey, so tell me
one more time how it is
251
00:11:05,387 --> 00:11:06,638
that God got you pregnant.
252
00:11:06,672 --> 00:11:07,972
'Cause when you tell me
the story,
253
00:11:08,007 --> 00:11:09,257
it sorta makes sense.
254
00:11:09,308 --> 00:11:10,708
But then when I tell
the guys at work,
255
00:11:10,726 --> 00:11:12,393
they poke all kinds
of holes in it.
256
00:11:12,428 --> 00:11:14,879
So, you guys are going
to Bethlehem, huh?
257
00:11:14,897 --> 00:11:17,265
I went there one time on
a donkeys' night out.
258
00:11:17,316 --> 00:11:20,568
Oh, my God,
I got so hammered!
259
00:11:24,389 --> 00:11:27,725
And as Mary and Joseph made
their way to Bethlehem,
260
00:11:27,743 --> 00:11:31,395
three wise men were preparing
for a journey of their own.
261
00:11:31,413 --> 00:11:32,447
Chris, did you get a haircut?
262
00:11:32,498 --> 00:11:33,898
I did.
263
00:11:33,916 --> 00:11:35,700
I'm just noticing.
It looks nice.
264
00:11:36,936 --> 00:11:38,436
Hey, what's this?
265
00:11:40,372 --> 00:11:42,473
Hey, you guys, this says
a King of Kings
266
00:11:42,508 --> 00:11:43,675
will be born
in Bethlehem,
267
00:11:43,709 --> 00:11:45,410
and we are to go
and pay tribute.
268
00:11:45,444 --> 00:11:46,744
Hey, let me see that.
269
00:11:46,779 --> 00:11:49,147
This says,
"Three Magi or Resident."
270
00:11:49,181 --> 00:11:51,316
I don't think th
really care if it's us.
271
00:11:51,350 --> 00:11:52,550
Yeah, I don't want
to go, either.
272
00:11:52,584 --> 00:11:55,520
Hey, isn't your mother-in-law
visiting tomorrow?
273
00:11:55,554 --> 00:11:57,422
We're off
to Bethlehem!
274
00:12:00,159 --> 00:12:02,827
♪ Wise men. ♪
275
00:12:06,065 --> 00:12:08,616
Wow, I can't believe
we're ready here.
276
00:12:08,651 --> 00:12:10,652
Yeah, it's amazing how
small the world is now
277
00:12:10,703 --> 00:12:12,036
thanks to mules
and camels.
278
00:12:12,071 --> 00:12:13,371
You're anywhere,
just like that.
279
00:12:13,405 --> 00:12:15,323
Oh, my!
280
00:12:15,374 --> 00:12:18,159
You can really tell
we're in the big city now.
281
00:12:18,210 --> 00:12:19,377
Yeah, they got everything here.
282
00:12:19,411 --> 00:12:20,662
They got restaurants,
they got museums.
283
00:12:20,713 --> 00:12:22,213
They even got movies.
284
00:12:22,247 --> 00:12:25,667
Coming soon, get ready
to start seeing double!
285
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:28,302
It's Ben-Him and Ben-Her!
286
00:12:28,337 --> 00:12:30,738
Starring Adam Sandler and...
287
00:12:30,773 --> 00:12:33,741
Adam Sandler?!
288
00:12:33,776 --> 00:12:36,044
Yoo-hoo, Benny!
289
00:12:36,078 --> 00:12:38,346
That's my brother
on that chariot!
290
00:12:38,397 --> 00:12:40,064
I'm driving here!
291
00:12:40,099 --> 00:12:41,099
Whoa...!
292
00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:46,654
Ooh, that's gotta hurt!
293
00:12:48,023 --> 00:12:50,058
And introducing that joke!
294
00:12:50,092 --> 00:12:52,093
Ben-Him and Ben-Her!
295
00:12:52,127 --> 00:12:54,562
Even Noah wouldn't put
these two together!
296
00:12:54,596 --> 00:12:56,531
Cover your privates!
297
00:12:56,565 --> 00:12:58,449
Everyone can coli-see-um!
298
00:13:01,754 --> 00:13:03,504
Meanwhile, the three wise men
299
00:13:03,539 --> 00:13:05,707
were making their way
across the desert.
300
00:13:05,758 --> 00:13:07,258
Hey, did you hear
they're coming out
301
00:13:07,292 --> 00:13:08,826
with four more
Commandments?
302
00:13:08,844 --> 00:13:11,179
Uch, all that stuff does is
interfere with small business.
303
00:13:11,213 --> 00:13:13,931
Oh, no, we're
out of water.
304
00:13:13,966 --> 00:13:15,332
We gotta
stop somewhere.
305
00:13:15,350 --> 00:13:17,301
Look. That's
King Herod's palace.
306
00:13:17,335 --> 00:13:19,170
Maybe we can get
water over there.
307
00:13:19,204 --> 00:13:21,706
Wow, look at that classy,
Middle Eastern house
308
00:13:21,740 --> 00:13:23,340
with gold and marble.
309
00:13:23,358 --> 00:13:25,009
People will always want
to live next
310
00:13:25,027 --> 00:13:27,729
to big Middle Eastern houses
with gold and marble.
311
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:30,465
Uch, I'm so bored.
312
00:13:30,499 --> 00:13:31,599
How's the TV coming?
313
00:13:31,633 --> 00:13:33,935
We are a long way off.
314
00:13:33,969 --> 00:13:35,470
Excuse me.
315
00:13:35,504 --> 00:13:38,606
We are three wise men
on a long journey.
316
00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:40,291
Could we trouble you
for some water?
317
00:13:40,309 --> 00:13:43,211
Sure. Not quite wise enough
to pack any, huh?
318
00:13:43,245 --> 00:13:44,746
So, what brings you to Judea?
319
00:13:44,780 --> 00:13:47,248
We're on our way to Bethlehem
to see a magic baby.
320
00:13:47,282 --> 00:13:48,683
Magic baby?
What's he do,
321
00:13:48,717 --> 00:13:50,184
card tricks,
rabbit in the hat?
322
00:13:50,219 --> 00:13:51,536
Would he let someone
in the audience
323
00:13:51,570 --> 00:13:52,804
punch him in
the stomach?
324
00:13:52,838 --> 00:13:54,789
I'd like to punch a
baby in the stomach.
325
00:13:54,823 --> 00:13:56,023
You can't punch
this baby.
326
00:13:56,058 --> 00:13:57,425
He's the Messiah.
327
00:13:57,459 --> 00:13:59,460
Yes, they're even calling him
the King of Kings.
328
00:13:59,495 --> 00:14:01,362
Yuck.
He already sounds like a dick.
329
00:14:01,396 --> 00:14:02,780
Okay, then how about this?
330
00:14:02,815 --> 00:14:04,482
I'm the King of King
of Kings.
331
00:14:04,516 --> 00:14:05,817
Ha! New name! Called it!
332
00:14:05,851 --> 00:14:08,119
Sounds like somebody's
a little threatened.
333
00:14:08,153 --> 00:14:10,588
No, I'm not. Would a guy who
feels threatened make sure
334
00:14:10,622 --> 00:14:12,223
all his advisors
are shorter than him?
335
00:14:12,257 --> 00:14:13,775
Ha! You said
it, King!
336
00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:14,909
That's telling him!
337
00:14:14,943 --> 00:14:15,943
Big guy!
338
00:14:15,978 --> 00:14:18,129
You know what?
Still, just to be safe,
339
00:14:18,163 --> 00:14:19,931
I should probably kill
that baby.
340
00:14:19,965 --> 00:14:22,533
Then Jodie Foster will love me.
341
00:14:25,737 --> 00:14:27,138
Welcome to the
Motel Shiksa.
342
00:14:27,172 --> 00:14:29,107
We won't leave the
light on for you,
343
00:14:29,141 --> 00:14:31,342
because what, do I work
for the electric company?
344
00:14:31,376 --> 00:14:33,644
Yes, we were wondering
if you had a room available?
345
00:14:33,679 --> 00:14:35,880
Sorry, we're all booked up--
Cher's in town.
346
00:14:35,914 --> 00:14:37,882
You won't find a room
in the city.
347
00:14:37,916 --> 00:14:40,268
No room? Joseph,
what are we gonna do?
348
00:14:40,302 --> 00:14:42,403
Don't worry.
I got this covered.
349
00:14:42,437 --> 00:14:43,971
No rooms, eh?
350
00:14:44,006 --> 00:14:46,841
Well, perhaps you have a room
for my good friend
351
00:14:46,875 --> 00:14:48,509
fistful of sand.
352
00:14:48,544 --> 00:14:49,610
Where's your money?
353
00:14:49,645 --> 00:14:50,928
I spent it on sand.
354
00:14:50,963 --> 00:14:52,580
I'm sorry,
I can't help you.
355
00:14:52,614 --> 00:14:53,781
But, sir, please,
356
00:14:53,816 --> 00:14:56,450
my wife is with child
and about to give birth.
357
00:14:56,485 --> 00:14:59,003
And I am with burrito
and about to do the same.
358
00:14:59,037 --> 00:15:03,007
Sir, if you don't leave now,
I'm gonna have to call IX-I-I.
359
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:05,009
Yeah, we, we did one
of those earlier.
360
00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:06,210
Yours is better, though.
361
00:15:06,245 --> 00:15:07,912
We probably should've waited
for yours.
362
00:15:10,048 --> 00:15:11,282
Joseph, my water
just broke!
363
00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:12,500
It's time!
364
00:15:12,534 --> 00:15:13,734
Oh, my God!
365
00:15:13,769 --> 00:15:16,170
Please, you've gotta
have some place for us!
366
00:15:16,205 --> 00:15:17,271
We're desperate!
367
00:15:17,306 --> 00:15:19,674
Well, there's
a manger out back.
368
00:15:19,708 --> 00:15:21,509
You can stay there.
369
00:15:21,543 --> 00:15:23,177
That's fine, that's fine!
We'll take it!
370
00:15:23,212 --> 00:15:24,779
Bethlehem!
371
00:15:24,813 --> 00:15:26,914
I have one question for you!
372
00:15:28,283 --> 00:15:32,186
♪ Do you believe in life
after love? ♪
373
00:15:32,221 --> 00:15:34,922
Dah... See?
I told you she'd open with that.
374
00:15:40,597 --> 00:15:43,933
So, Joseph and Mary
were turned away from the inn.
375
00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:45,435
But, Dad, I still
don't understand
376
00:15:45,469 --> 00:15:46,936
the whole Immaculate
Conception thing.
377
00:15:46,970 --> 00:15:49,605
How can anyone get pregnant
without having sex?
378
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,441
Oh, there's lots of
stories of that, Meg.
379
00:15:51,475 --> 00:15:52,809
Cleveland's got
a cousin who had
380
00:15:52,843 --> 00:15:54,143
eight girlfriends
get pregnant,
381
00:15:54,178 --> 00:15:56,612
and he says he's not
responsible for a single one.
382
00:15:56,647 --> 00:15:58,181
Good guy.
You shake his hand,
383
00:15:58,215 --> 00:16:00,249
it feels like you're
touching a nice briefcase.
384
00:16:00,284 --> 00:16:02,368
But back to our story.
385
00:16:05,906 --> 00:16:07,890
All right, here we are.
386
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,292
This seems pretty gross.
387
00:16:09,326 --> 00:16:12,078
I can't believe my baby's
gonna be the Son of God.
388
00:16:12,112 --> 00:16:14,280
Looks like all those
years fighting off
389
00:16:14,314 --> 00:16:16,949
my own father's advances
have finally paid off.
390
00:16:16,984 --> 00:16:18,584
What shall we name him?
391
00:16:18,619 --> 00:16:20,403
Well, this is kinda
like a barn.
392
00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:21,871
We could call
him Barney.
393
00:16:21,905 --> 00:16:22,872
Yeah, maybe.
394
00:16:22,906 --> 00:16:24,507
Or I kinda always
liked Tristan.
395
00:16:24,541 --> 00:16:25,775
Oh, my God, you want him
396
00:16:25,809 --> 00:16:27,410
to get the crap
beat out of him?
397
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,312
They will crucify him
with a name like that.
398
00:16:29,346 --> 00:16:31,214
No, no, no.
399
00:16:31,248 --> 00:16:33,166
What are you doing?
How long you been there?
400
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,118
Those names is no good.
401
00:16:35,152 --> 00:16:37,253
Look, why don't y'all
just give me a list,
402
00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:39,856
I'll run 'em up to God,
and see if he picks one.
403
00:16:39,890 --> 00:16:41,958
No... no...
404
00:16:41,992 --> 00:16:44,026
That's the name
of a champagne.
405
00:16:44,061 --> 00:16:45,328
No... no...
406
00:16:45,362 --> 00:16:46,496
Terrible!
407
00:16:46,530 --> 00:16:47,697
These are all
just terrible!
408
00:16:47,731 --> 00:16:48,898
Relax, God.
409
00:16:48,932 --> 00:16:51,417
You want me to get y'all
some wine and cheeses?
410
00:16:51,452 --> 00:16:53,052
Wait, what'd you
just say?
411
00:16:53,086 --> 00:16:56,806
Cheeses.
You want some cheeses?
412
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,474
And that's why you're
allowed to eat
413
00:16:58,509 --> 00:17:03,078
as much mozzarella as
you want in any church.
414
00:17:03,096 --> 00:17:06,132
So the three wise men set off
again on their journey.
415
00:17:06,183 --> 00:17:07,550
You sure this is
the right way?
416
00:17:07,584 --> 00:17:10,436
Yes, I'm sure.
We follow the star.
417
00:17:10,471 --> 00:17:12,305
Are you sure
that's a star?
418
00:17:12,356 --> 00:17:13,723
We've had this
conversation!
419
00:17:13,757 --> 00:17:15,391
Yes, it's a star!
420
00:17:15,425 --> 00:17:16,893
It's got flashing
red lights!
421
00:17:16,927 --> 00:17:19,195
- Oh, my God!
- It is a plane!
422
00:17:19,229 --> 00:17:21,564
And I said that yesterday,
you stupid idiot!
423
00:17:23,750 --> 00:17:25,835
Hey, thanks for coming out
on such late notice, Doc.
424
00:17:25,869 --> 00:17:28,471
Oh, you don't have to thank me.
This is a big deal.
425
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:31,057
It's not every day that God
bestows a woman with his son.
426
00:17:31,091 --> 00:17:33,042
Has it ever happened before?
Yeah, once.
427
00:17:33,076 --> 00:17:34,877
But the woman drank
during her pregnancy.
428
00:17:34,912 --> 00:17:36,712
The kid came out
a real lemon.
429
00:17:36,747 --> 00:17:39,515
I turned this
water into poo!
430
00:17:39,550 --> 00:17:40,950
Uh-huh.
431
00:17:40,984 --> 00:17:43,419
I also turned this
fish into poo!
432
00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:44,854
Ah...
433
00:17:44,888 --> 00:17:46,756
Do you want your
birthday present?
434
00:17:46,790 --> 00:17:49,342
I think I know
what it is.
435
00:17:49,393 --> 00:17:51,944
It's a
cashmere sweater.
436
00:17:51,979 --> 00:17:53,145
Oh, wow!
437
00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:56,966
That's actually
really nice.
438
00:17:56,984 --> 00:17:57,967
And now it's poo!
439
00:18:01,972 --> 00:18:03,706
Well, here we are.
440
00:18:03,740 --> 00:18:04,974
Okay, guys,
squeeze in.
441
00:18:05,008 --> 00:18:06,609
Bible photographer.
442
00:18:06,643 --> 00:18:08,377
Okay, we're smiling,
443
00:18:08,412 --> 00:18:10,613
we're happy to
see Jesus.
444
00:18:10,647 --> 00:18:12,615
There we go.
445
00:18:12,649 --> 00:18:14,350
Hey, guys,
watch your step in there.
446
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:17,119
That floor's gonna be dripping
in virgin olive oil.
447
00:18:17,154 --> 00:18:18,721
That's kinda hot.
Gross.
448
00:18:18,755 --> 00:18:22,208
Hello, we are
the three wise men.
449
00:18:22,242 --> 00:18:24,510
We came here
following a star.
450
00:18:24,545 --> 00:18:26,579
Those two statements
contradict each other.
451
00:18:26,613 --> 00:18:28,381
We also come
bearing gifts.
452
00:18:28,415 --> 00:18:29,732
I brought frankincense.
453
00:18:29,766 --> 00:18:30,783
I brought myrrh.
454
00:18:30,817 --> 00:18:32,618
And I brought you
a breast pump,
455
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:34,787
which in these times
is just a guy.
456
00:18:34,821 --> 00:18:36,122
When do I start?
457
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,190
Oh he's coming!
458
00:18:38,225 --> 00:18:40,243
Oh, it hurts so bad!
459
00:18:40,277 --> 00:18:41,961
God, I hate working
on Christmas.
460
00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:43,763
Oh, here he comes.
461
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,785
And... BC turns to AD!
462
00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:51,587
How's everybody doing?
463
00:18:51,622 --> 00:18:53,172
Oh, he's a miracle!
464
00:18:53,206 --> 00:18:55,775
Hey, if you're a virgin, how
come I shot out of there
465
00:18:55,809 --> 00:18:57,910
like a greased-up
cannonball?
466
00:18:57,945 --> 00:18:59,946
Greetings!
I have come to see
467
00:18:59,980 --> 00:19:03,716
the newborn king, but sadly,
I bring no gift.
468
00:19:03,750 --> 00:19:05,518
Well, what do you got
in your hand there?
469
00:19:05,552 --> 00:19:07,019
Uh, my drum.
470
00:19:07,054 --> 00:19:08,721
Well, then it looks like
you got him a drum.
471
00:19:08,755 --> 00:19:11,874
Pretty good gift.
But this is all I own.
472
00:19:11,909 --> 00:19:14,043
It's what makes me
the "Little Drummer Boy."
473
00:19:14,077 --> 00:19:17,013
Yeah, the baby
wants the drum.
474
00:19:17,047 --> 00:19:19,231
Yeah! Drum!
475
00:19:19,266 --> 00:19:21,817
Okay, nobody touch my hair.
I'm growing it out.
476
00:19:21,852 --> 00:19:23,703
Also, I'm gonna start dieting
and working out
477
00:19:23,737 --> 00:19:25,137
so I'm like crazy lean
478
00:19:25,172 --> 00:19:27,073
for the, you know, for, for,
for the thing.
479
00:19:28,308 --> 00:19:29,609
What the deuce?
480
00:19:31,712 --> 00:19:34,297
Bring out the Christ Child!
We want him!
481
00:19:34,331 --> 00:19:35,414
Uh-oh.
482
00:19:42,089 --> 00:19:45,925
I may have a virgin mom,
but I am one bad mother.
483
00:19:58,989 --> 00:20:00,940
Ah! Ah! You guys get him!
You guys get him!
484
00:20:00,974 --> 00:20:02,441
I forgot something
at the palace!
485
00:20:04,895 --> 00:20:07,613
Pa-choo! Pa-choo!
486
00:20:07,648 --> 00:20:09,915
And that is the
story of Jesus.
487
00:20:09,950 --> 00:20:11,684
That was awesome, Dad!
488
00:20:11,718 --> 00:20:13,035
Oh, my God! I
just realized
489
00:20:13,070 --> 00:20:15,604
that's the same Jesus as
the Jesus from church!
490
00:20:15,639 --> 00:20:17,373
That's a beautiful story,
Peter,
491
00:20:17,407 --> 00:20:18,774
about people coming together
492
00:20:18,809 --> 00:20:20,910
to form something
greater than themselves.
493
00:20:23,330 --> 00:20:24,430
Yes, can I help you?
494
00:20:24,464 --> 00:20:25,748
Hi. We're from out of town
495
00:20:25,782 --> 00:20:27,216
and our car
just broke down!
496
00:20:27,250 --> 00:20:29,151
My wife's in labor.
Can we use your phone?
497
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:30,152
What?! No!
498
00:20:30,187 --> 00:20:31,420
Peter, who is it?
499
00:20:31,455 --> 00:20:33,239
Couple of freaking scumbags
working some scam,
500
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:35,141
saying how they want
to use our phone.
501
00:20:35,175 --> 00:20:37,843
What?! Do they want all the
presents under the tree, too?!
502
00:20:37,878 --> 00:20:38,978
Get rid of 'em!
503
00:20:39,012 --> 00:20:41,080
They're not gonna
do that, are they?
504
00:20:41,114 --> 00:20:42,848
Dad, shut the door,
it's freezing!
505
00:20:42,883 --> 00:20:44,150
Please, you've
gotta help us!
506
00:20:44,184 --> 00:20:45,518
You're lucky
it's Christmas
507
00:20:45,552 --> 00:20:47,386
or I'd call the cops on
you dirty grifters!
508
00:20:47,421 --> 00:20:50,456
Now you and your whore
wife get out of here!
509
00:20:50,490 --> 00:20:54,243
Peter, you handled
that perfectly.
510
00:20:54,277 --> 00:20:56,078
Merry Christmas,
Lois.
511
00:20:56,113 --> 00:20:58,514
Please!
We're begging you!
512
00:20:58,548 --> 00:20:59,932
I'm getting
the baseball bat.
513
00:21:01,630 --> 00:21:06,630
== sync, corrected by elderman ==