1
00:00:01,180 --> 00:00:04,232
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,300 --> 00:00:07,636
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:10,772
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:10,856 --> 00:00:13,758
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:13,809 --> 00:00:17,729
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,780 --> 00:00:20,198
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do... ♪
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00:00:20,265 --> 00:00:21,783
Uh, uh, hold it.
Hold it.
8
00:00:21,867 --> 00:00:23,451
What-what...
what's going on here?
9
00:00:23,536 --> 00:00:24,569
I'm pregnant.
10
00:00:24,637 --> 00:00:25,820
You...
you're what?
11
00:00:25,905 --> 00:00:26,988
Yeah.
12
00:00:27,073 --> 00:00:28,657
We're in the middle
of a thing here.
13
00:00:28,741 --> 00:00:30,241
Well, you didn't return
any of my texts.
14
00:00:30,292 --> 00:00:31,626
So what-what...
so what's going on?
15
00:00:31,711 --> 00:00:33,762
You-you... you want, like,
a... a ride to the place?
16
00:00:33,829 --> 00:00:35,130
Peter, what's
going on?
17
00:00:35,197 --> 00:00:37,732
What's going on, Lois,
is that this girl
18
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,518
is obviously not well,
and I have just learned
19
00:00:40,586 --> 00:00:42,153
that she's been stealing
from the show,
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00:00:42,221 --> 00:00:45,557
and she should probably
be escorted out of the building.
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♪ Family Guy 10x01 ♪
Lottery Fever
Original Air Date on September 25, 2011
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00:00:49,729 --> 00:00:51,479
♪ Nah, nah ♪
23
00:00:51,564 --> 00:00:54,432
♪ Family Guy. ♪
24
00:00:54,433 --> 00:00:57,633
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
25
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We now return
26
00:00:59,472 --> 00:01:02,540
to Star Trek II: The Wrath
of Khan, edited for goats.
27
00:01:02,608 --> 00:01:05,443
Marooned for all eternity
28
00:01:05,511 --> 00:01:08,196
in the center of a dead planet.
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Buried alive.
30
00:01:11,834 --> 00:01:14,652
Buried alive.
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Lois, I need $28,000.
32
00:01:19,058 --> 00:01:20,258
For what?
33
00:01:20,326 --> 00:01:22,243
I've decided I want to open
a sushi restaurant.
34
00:01:22,311 --> 00:01:23,445
What do you know
about sushi?
35
00:01:23,512 --> 00:01:24,929
I don't care
about the sushi.
36
00:01:24,997 --> 00:01:27,415
I just want to yell at customers
when they walk in the door.
37
00:01:32,354 --> 00:01:34,773
Here comes a black guy!
38
00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:35,990
Peter, you're not
getting money
39
00:01:36,058 --> 00:01:37,358
for that or
anything else.
40
00:01:37,426 --> 00:01:39,527
We're running seriously
low on cash right now.
41
00:01:39,612 --> 00:01:42,197
In fact, I may have to
get my own full-time job.
42
00:01:42,281 --> 00:01:44,416
Geez. Are we really living
that close to the edge?
43
00:01:44,483 --> 00:01:45,700
You know we
are, Brian.
44
00:01:45,768 --> 00:01:47,435
Why do you think
we waited so long
45
00:01:47,503 --> 00:01:49,137
to take you to the
groomer's last month?
46
00:01:52,524 --> 00:01:54,726
Hey, isn't it time for me
to get a haircut?
47
00:01:54,794 --> 00:01:57,028
Oh, no. I think
you just got one.
48
00:01:57,096 --> 00:01:58,363
Are you sure?
49
00:01:58,431 --> 00:02:00,365
'Cause I feel like
my nails are really long.
50
00:02:00,433 --> 00:02:02,066
Yeah, I'll check,
but I'm pretty sure
51
00:02:02,134 --> 00:02:03,818
it's not for another
couple of weeks.
52
00:02:05,387 --> 00:02:06,955
What day is this?
53
00:02:07,022 --> 00:02:09,023
Like it or not, we're
going to have to start
54
00:02:09,091 --> 00:02:10,725
living on a strict
budget for a while.
55
00:02:10,793 --> 00:02:12,527
Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker,
and this is...
56
00:02:12,595 --> 00:02:13,995
♪ News... ♪
57
00:02:14,063 --> 00:02:16,080
I thought you were going
to sing with me, Joyce.
58
00:02:16,148 --> 00:02:17,348
Okay. Our top
story tonight.
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00:02:17,416 --> 00:02:18,983
The Rhode Island
State Lottery
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00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:22,153
has climbed to a record
$150 million jackpot.
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00:02:22,221 --> 00:02:23,521
That's right, Tom.
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00:02:23,589 --> 00:02:25,723
Powerball fever has
officially gripped Quahog.
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00:02:25,791 --> 00:02:28,259
We sent Channel Five News
Asian correspondent
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00:02:28,327 --> 00:02:31,229
Tricia Takanawa around town
to get the public reaction.
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00:02:31,297 --> 00:02:34,632
Mayor West, what do you plan
to do if you win the lottery?
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00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:36,835
Well, I'd finally
splurge and buy myself
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00:02:36,902 --> 00:02:39,537
one of those fancy
four-piece suits.
68
00:02:39,605 --> 00:02:41,473
I'd like to join
your country club.
69
00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:43,875
I assume that won't
be a problem.
70
00:02:43,943 --> 00:02:47,512
And how about you,
every Persian guy in the world?
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White BMW.
72
00:02:49,915 --> 00:02:50,915
There you go, Lois.
73
00:02:50,983 --> 00:02:52,083
That's the answer right there.
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00:02:52,134 --> 00:02:53,685
We'll just win the lottery.
75
00:02:53,752 --> 00:02:56,254
In fact, I'm going to go buy
my winning ticket right now.
76
00:03:01,143 --> 00:03:02,310
Peter, what's wrong?
77
00:03:02,378 --> 00:03:03,478
It's, uh, nothing.
78
00:03:03,546 --> 00:03:05,396
I'm just going
to wait a minute.
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00:03:05,464 --> 00:03:07,899
There's teenagers
in skinny jeans out there.
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00:03:11,504 --> 00:03:14,172
Everyone, I got big news.
81
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:17,108
We are going
to be rich.
82
00:03:17,176 --> 00:03:18,660
Oh, my God, Peter.
83
00:03:18,727 --> 00:03:20,662
There are thousands of
lottery tickets here.
84
00:03:20,729 --> 00:03:22,664
Where did you get the
money for all these?
85
00:03:22,731 --> 00:03:24,999
Simple. I took out a second
mortgage on the house.
86
00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:26,885
What?!
Peter, this is idiotic.
87
00:03:26,952 --> 00:03:29,003
Your odds of winning
are like 100 million to one.
88
00:03:29,071 --> 00:03:31,940
Don't you know the lottery
is just a tax on stupid people?
89
00:03:32,007 --> 00:03:33,591
Would you be saying
that if the prize
90
00:03:33,659 --> 00:03:35,960
was 150 million bags of
the neighbor's garbage?
91
00:03:36,028 --> 00:03:37,061
But it's not.
92
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:38,429
I mean... I mean, is it?
93
00:03:38,497 --> 00:03:40,615
It's... that-that is an
unrealistic, unfair question.
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00:03:40,683 --> 00:03:41,966
Peter, Brian's right.
95
00:03:42,034 --> 00:03:43,868
How can you be
so irresponsible?
96
00:03:43,936 --> 00:03:45,520
You take these tickets
back right now.
97
00:03:45,588 --> 00:03:46,554
No way, Lois.
98
00:03:46,622 --> 00:03:47,755
We're going to win.
99
00:03:47,823 --> 00:03:49,457
I got lots of good
karma built up
100
00:03:49,525 --> 00:03:50,909
from doing those
USO shows.
101
00:03:52,244 --> 00:03:53,862
So, apparently, they found
102
00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:55,997
a weapon of mass destruction--
my putter.
103
00:03:58,801 --> 00:04:00,451
All right, boys.
Go get 'em over there.
104
00:04:00,519 --> 00:04:03,354
And now, please welcome
Mr. Bruce Jenner.
105
00:04:20,356 --> 00:04:22,006
Just wanted to
remind you fellas
106
00:04:22,057 --> 00:04:23,908
what you're all
fighting for.
107
00:04:27,429 --> 00:04:28,880
Okay, this is
it, you guys.
108
00:04:28,948 --> 00:04:30,415
They're going to announce
the winning lottery numbers.
109
00:04:30,482 --> 00:04:33,551
Time for the Griffin family
to meet its destiny.
110
00:04:33,619 --> 00:04:34,586
When we lose,
I'm getting a divorce.
111
00:04:34,653 --> 00:04:36,120
Understood.
112
00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,156
We're here live in our studio
where a checkout girl
113
00:04:38,223 --> 00:04:40,258
in a cheap dress
who wants to be a model
114
00:04:40,326 --> 00:04:41,843
is ready to draw
the winning numbers.
115
00:04:41,911 --> 00:04:43,211
"E!"
116
00:04:43,295 --> 00:04:44,245
That's
a three, honey.
117
00:04:44,330 --> 00:04:45,330
Turn it around.
118
00:04:45,381 --> 00:04:46,331
This.
119
00:04:46,382 --> 00:04:47,382
Thirty-one.
120
00:04:47,466 --> 00:04:48,800
Spooky ghost mouth.
121
00:04:48,867 --> 00:04:50,034
That's a zero.
122
00:04:50,085 --> 00:04:51,436
Snowman.
123
00:04:51,503 --> 00:04:52,553
Eight.
124
00:04:52,638 --> 00:04:53,972
Two sailboats.
125
00:04:54,039 --> 00:04:55,223
Forty-four.
126
00:04:55,307 --> 00:04:56,641
Seventeen.
127
00:04:56,708 --> 00:04:58,226
No, that's...
Oh, yes, that is 17.
128
00:04:58,310 --> 00:04:59,761
She's good at 17.
129
00:04:59,845 --> 00:05:01,145
Well, folks,
those are our winning numbers.
130
00:05:01,213 --> 00:05:03,251
Good luck to all of our...
131
00:05:03,252 --> 00:05:04,217
Twenty-four!
132
00:05:04,218 --> 00:05:05,291
No, that's it. We're done.
133
00:05:05,292 --> 00:05:06,829
Anyone watching,
do not count 24.
134
00:05:06,830 --> 00:05:08,154
Pancakes!
135
00:05:08,155 --> 00:05:09,068
Okay, I don't know
what she's doing now.
136
00:05:09,069 --> 00:05:10,269
Somebody turn the machine off.
137
00:05:10,299 --> 00:05:11,399
N-Nikki, Nikki, that's good.
That's good.
138
00:05:11,434 --> 00:05:12,401
Go... go wait in my car.
139
00:05:12,424 --> 00:05:14,325
All right, you did good.
140
00:05:15,274 --> 00:05:17,809
Going to take her
to Walt's Roast Beef.
141
00:05:17,877 --> 00:05:19,344
All right, kids,
we got 200,000
142
00:05:19,411 --> 00:05:20,645
lottery tickets
we got to check.
143
00:05:20,713 --> 00:05:22,514
All right, how do you
want to do this?
144
00:05:22,581 --> 00:05:24,849
A static shot of the house
where night turns into day
145
00:05:24,917 --> 00:05:27,418
or a montage song that
over-explains what we're doing?
146
00:05:27,486 --> 00:05:29,287
Um, that
second one
147
00:05:29,355 --> 00:05:30,855
sounds like it
could be funny.
148
00:05:30,923 --> 00:05:32,307
♪ ♪
149
00:05:32,391 --> 00:05:34,008
♪ Checking lottery tickets ♪
150
00:05:34,093 --> 00:05:35,860
♪ Looking at the numbers ♪
151
00:05:35,928 --> 00:05:38,629
♪ And seeing if they match
the ones on the news ♪
152
00:05:38,681 --> 00:05:40,315
♪ If they do,
then we're winners ♪
153
00:05:40,399 --> 00:05:42,367
♪ If they don't,
then we put them ♪
154
00:05:42,434 --> 00:05:44,152
♪ In the designated pile ♪
155
00:05:44,220 --> 00:05:46,170
♪ For tickets
we already checked ♪
156
00:05:46,238 --> 00:05:48,439
♪ This is taking forever ♪
157
00:05:48,507 --> 00:05:50,625
♪ That's why Brian is yawning ♪
158
00:05:50,693 --> 00:05:52,827
♪ And Stewie's
rubbing his eyes ♪
159
00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:55,413
♪ The montage is almost over ♪
160
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:57,832
♪ That's why the music
and the vocals ♪
161
00:05:57,917 --> 00:06:01,485
♪ Are fading out right now. ♪
162
00:06:01,537 --> 00:06:03,037
Well, that's it.
163
00:06:03,105 --> 00:06:06,274
Three days wasted looking
through 200,000 lottery tickets.
164
00:06:06,342 --> 00:06:07,742
Those weren't
the lottery tickets.
165
00:06:07,810 --> 00:06:09,277
That was a test.
166
00:06:09,345 --> 00:06:11,296
These are
the lottery tickets.
167
00:06:13,182 --> 00:06:14,866
Is this another test?
168
00:06:14,934 --> 00:06:16,167
Yes.
169
00:06:16,235 --> 00:06:17,769
These aren't the real
lottery tickets, either.
170
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:20,188
These are the real
lottery tickets.
171
00:06:20,272 --> 00:06:23,641
So, in addition to buying
200,000 lottery tickets,
172
00:06:23,709 --> 00:06:26,110
you had 400,000 fake ones
printed up?
173
00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:28,980
I had to be sure.
174
00:06:30,165 --> 00:06:32,333
Oh, my God. We won!
175
00:06:32,401 --> 00:06:33,718
What?
Let me see that.
176
00:06:35,154 --> 00:06:36,921
Yes! We won the lottery!
177
00:06:36,989 --> 00:06:38,323
I'm getting a penis butler.
178
00:06:38,374 --> 00:06:39,507
Sir?
179
00:06:39,575 --> 00:06:41,392
All right, butle
my penis. Butle it!
180
00:06:46,871 --> 00:06:47,938
This is awesome.
181
00:06:48,005 --> 00:06:49,172
Now that we're rich,
182
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:51,007
our lives are going
to be so much better.
183
00:06:51,075 --> 00:06:52,642
You sure it was
such a good idea
184
00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:54,111
to cash that
lottery check?
185
00:06:54,178 --> 00:06:56,513
It seems foolish to have
all this money lying around.
186
00:06:56,581 --> 00:06:58,448
Oh, you'd rather have
it down at the bank
187
00:06:58,516 --> 00:07:00,050
where the Jewish
guys can leer at it?
188
00:07:00,118 --> 00:07:01,735
Yeah!
All right!
189
00:07:01,803 --> 00:07:02,836
Money!
190
00:07:02,904 --> 00:07:04,237
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
191
00:07:04,305 --> 00:07:06,540
Hello?
192
00:07:06,607 --> 00:07:08,308
Did you blow all your money yet?
No, Daddy.
193
00:07:08,376 --> 00:07:09,876
All right. Call me
when you blow all your money.
194
00:07:09,944 --> 00:07:11,344
Love you. Bye.
195
00:07:11,412 --> 00:07:13,080
All right, so how are we
going to spend our winnings?
196
00:07:13,147 --> 00:07:14,681
I'm going to get some
supermarket fried chicken
197
00:07:14,749 --> 00:07:16,683
and eat it until I'm nauseous.
198
00:07:16,768 --> 00:07:19,569
I'm going to finally get my gal
that doodad she's been wantin'!
199
00:07:19,637 --> 00:07:21,671
I'm going to get a floor mirror
to squat over
200
00:07:21,739 --> 00:07:23,540
and see what's making
all that noise.
201
00:07:23,608 --> 00:07:25,342
Okay, everybody
just calm down.
202
00:07:25,409 --> 00:07:27,210
We're not going to go crazy
spending our winnings,
203
00:07:27,278 --> 00:07:29,246
and we're not going to let
this money change us.
204
00:07:29,313 --> 00:07:30,714
What are you talking about?
205
00:07:30,782 --> 00:07:33,083
This money is our ticket
to the good life, starting now.
206
00:07:33,151 --> 00:07:35,619
I just bought a giant room
full of gold coins,
207
00:07:35,686 --> 00:07:38,121
and I'm going to dive into it
like Scrooge McDuck.
208
00:07:41,759 --> 00:07:44,427
Aah! It's not a liquid!
209
00:07:44,495 --> 00:07:47,731
It's a great many pieces
of solid matter
210
00:07:47,799 --> 00:07:50,267
that form a hard,
floor-like surface!
211
00:07:50,334 --> 00:07:51,701
Aah!
212
00:07:55,957 --> 00:07:58,024
Peter, what are you
doing here?
213
00:07:58,092 --> 00:07:59,459
Shouldn't you
be at work?
214
00:07:59,527 --> 00:08:00,961
I quit my job, Lois.
215
00:08:01,028 --> 00:08:02,662
You what?
Yeah, we're rich now.
216
00:08:02,730 --> 00:08:04,064
I don't need to be working.
217
00:08:04,132 --> 00:08:05,298
Ah, you should've
been there, Lois.
218
00:08:05,366 --> 00:08:07,400
I told Angela what she could do
with that job,
219
00:08:07,468 --> 00:08:09,369
just like I always fantasized.
220
00:08:09,437 --> 00:08:11,004
Angela, I just want
to thank you
221
00:08:11,072 --> 00:08:13,106
for several extremely
pleasurable years
222
00:08:13,174 --> 00:08:14,407
working for this
corporation.
223
00:08:14,475 --> 00:08:16,710
Uh, certain
unexpected developments
224
00:08:16,777 --> 00:08:18,311
have created
a situation
225
00:08:18,379 --> 00:08:20,547
where I am no longer
in need of employment.
226
00:08:20,615 --> 00:08:22,382
Uh, I would be
remiss, however,
227
00:08:22,450 --> 00:08:24,684
if I did not extend
my gratitude to you
228
00:08:24,752 --> 00:08:27,187
for your unwavering
fairness and belief in me,
229
00:08:27,255 --> 00:08:29,356
and there is a giant poo
on your desk.
230
00:08:32,727 --> 00:08:34,544
Hey, Horace,
another round for everybody.
231
00:08:37,331 --> 00:08:38,481
Gosh, Peter,
you're really
232
00:08:38,549 --> 00:08:39,616
being generous
with your money.
233
00:08:39,684 --> 00:08:41,151
Hey, what's the point
of being rich
234
00:08:41,219 --> 00:08:43,053
if you can't share it
with your pals, huh?
235
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,337
Okay, wait,
I-I got one.
236
00:08:44,405 --> 00:08:45,739
Who would you
rather do?
237
00:08:45,806 --> 00:08:47,574
Susan Boyle
or a sex doll
238
00:08:47,642 --> 00:08:49,593
that's been passed
around a fraternity?
239
00:08:49,660 --> 00:08:51,061
Well, have they been
cleaning the doll?
240
00:08:51,128 --> 00:08:53,313
Please, these guys are Betas--
they're total animals.
241
00:08:53,381 --> 00:08:54,447
Hey, I got
one, Peter.
242
00:08:54,515 --> 00:08:55,649
What would you
rather do?
243
00:08:55,716 --> 00:08:57,284
Tread water where
you are right now
244
00:08:57,351 --> 00:08:59,119
or increase your
net worth fivefold
245
00:08:59,187 --> 00:09:00,453
within the next
18 months?
246
00:09:00,521 --> 00:09:01,588
Huh?
247
00:09:01,656 --> 00:09:03,190
What? I... what are you
talking about?
248
00:09:03,257 --> 00:09:05,325
Well, my friend Marty
is a whiz with chemistry,
249
00:09:05,393 --> 00:09:06,793
and he says
he's come up
250
00:09:06,861 --> 00:09:08,378
with a new penis
enlargement pill,
251
00:09:08,445 --> 00:09:11,498
and if we can bankroll him
$100,000 in startup money,
252
00:09:11,566 --> 00:09:13,400
he'll triple our
investment in a year.
253
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:16,036
Well, uh...
gee, I-I'm... I don't, uh...
254
00:09:16,103 --> 00:09:17,437
Peter, I've taken
the liberty
255
00:09:17,505 --> 00:09:19,372
of mocking up some
sales projections.
256
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:20,874
Wow, that's pretty good.
257
00:09:20,942 --> 00:09:22,876
And this would be
our net profits.
258
00:09:22,944 --> 00:09:24,077
Yikes.
259
00:09:24,145 --> 00:09:25,579
You know, Peter, uh,
260
00:09:25,646 --> 00:09:28,915
Bonnie's birthday is coming up,
and I'll be gol-darned
261
00:09:28,983 --> 00:09:31,718
if I didn't go ahead and
promise her that Stevie Nicks
262
00:09:31,786 --> 00:09:34,721
would come to our house
and sing three songs to her.
263
00:09:34,789 --> 00:09:38,058
Boy, do I got a big mouth, huh?
264
00:09:38,125 --> 00:09:40,327
Yeah, if you're going to open
your mouth with the missus,
265
00:09:40,394 --> 00:09:41,595
stick to kisses, huh?
266
00:09:44,765 --> 00:09:46,900
What neat humor.
What neat humor.
267
00:09:46,968 --> 00:09:49,236
So what do say, Peter?
Can you help us out?
268
00:09:49,303 --> 00:09:50,704
Of course I can, you dope.
269
00:09:50,771 --> 00:09:52,422
We're pals, right?
270
00:09:55,042 --> 00:09:56,192
There you go.
271
00:09:56,260 --> 00:09:57,227
Hey, Horace,
give us
272
00:09:57,295 --> 00:09:58,528
three shots
of your best bourbon.
273
00:09:58,596 --> 00:10:00,914
And have that Russian waiter
I like bring it over.
274
00:10:02,683 --> 00:10:05,168
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
275
00:10:05,219 --> 00:10:07,520
♪ Trololo ♪
276
00:10:07,605 --> 00:10:10,006
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
277
00:10:10,074 --> 00:10:11,224
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
278
00:10:11,292 --> 00:10:12,359
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
279
00:10:12,443 --> 00:10:13,643
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
280
00:10:13,711 --> 00:10:15,011
♪ Ho ho ho ho ho ♪
281
00:10:15,079 --> 00:10:17,514
♪ La la la la la la
la la la la la la ♪
282
00:10:17,581 --> 00:10:20,000
♪ La la la la la
la la la la la ♪
283
00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:24,871
♪ Ah la la la ♪
284
00:10:24,939 --> 00:10:29,476
♪ La la la la la la ♪
285
00:10:29,543 --> 00:10:31,578
♪ La la la la la ♪
286
00:10:31,646 --> 00:10:34,381
♪ Bop ba da da da da da da da ♪
287
00:10:34,448 --> 00:10:39,352
♪ La la la la la la. ♪
288
00:10:39,420 --> 00:10:41,354
Boy, you wouldn't guess
from that smile
289
00:10:41,422 --> 00:10:43,223
that all his kids
were stillborn, huh?
290
00:10:43,291 --> 00:10:45,525
All right, well,
thanks again, Peter.
291
00:10:45,593 --> 00:10:46,993
I got to head out.
292
00:10:47,061 --> 00:10:48,962
I told my mother I'd visit
her in the hospital.
293
00:10:49,030 --> 00:10:50,413
Yeah, and I got to work.
294
00:10:50,481 --> 00:10:51,881
I'm flying a leg
to Minneapolis tonight.
295
00:10:51,949 --> 00:10:53,216
Oh.
296
00:10:53,267 --> 00:10:54,517
Yeah, I-I-I understand.
297
00:10:54,585 --> 00:10:55,785
You... you've got
other things to do.
298
00:10:55,853 --> 00:10:57,387
I-I just wrote you guys
a couple of checks,
299
00:10:57,455 --> 00:10:59,072
but no, you... you-you-you
do your things.
300
00:10:59,140 --> 00:11:00,907
What?
No, I mean, I-I'm just saying,
301
00:11:00,975 --> 00:11:03,310
I-I thought friends hang out,
do things with each other.
302
00:11:03,377 --> 00:11:04,928
You know,
especially when one friend
303
00:11:04,996 --> 00:11:07,347
gives the other friends
a whole bunch of money.
304
00:11:07,415 --> 00:11:10,934
Oh. Well, I guess I
could stick around.
305
00:11:11,002 --> 00:11:14,037
Yeah, and I-I guess
the co-pilot can fly the plane.
306
00:11:14,105 --> 00:11:16,940
She's a woman and passengers
are usually okay with that.
307
00:11:17,008 --> 00:11:18,308
I once saw a
deodorant commercial
308
00:11:18,376 --> 00:11:19,642
that had a
woman pilot.
309
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:21,261
That's more like it.
310
00:11:21,345 --> 00:11:23,780
From now on, we're all gonna do
whatever I want to do.
311
00:11:23,848 --> 00:11:25,131
'Cause I'm the one
with the dough.
312
00:11:25,199 --> 00:11:26,833
Okay, I guess that's fair.
313
00:11:26,901 --> 00:11:28,568
Good.
'Cause what I want to do is
314
00:11:28,636 --> 00:11:30,637
stay here, get drunk
and watch TV.
315
00:11:30,705 --> 00:11:33,807
We now return to Michael
McDonald During Allergy Season.
316
00:11:33,874 --> 00:11:35,742
Haa...
317
00:11:35,810 --> 00:11:38,061
Haa-haa...
318
00:11:38,129 --> 00:11:40,146
Haa-haa-haa-haa-haa...
319
00:11:40,231 --> 00:11:41,614
Haa...
320
00:11:41,699 --> 00:11:43,099
♪ Haa-chu! ♪
321
00:11:45,236 --> 00:11:48,004
Hey, Peter, you wanted me
to watch the entire first season
322
00:11:48,072 --> 00:11:50,607
of True Blood and come show you
where there was boob?
323
00:11:50,674 --> 00:11:52,075
That's right, I
don't want to see
324
00:11:52,143 --> 00:11:53,410
any actual True
Blood, just boob.
325
00:11:53,477 --> 00:11:54,677
Yeah, well, I found some.
326
00:11:57,531 --> 00:11:58,765
No!
327
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:01,234
Anna Paquin boob does
not count as real boob!
328
00:12:01,302 --> 00:12:03,470
That's like looking
at a 12-year-old boy.
329
00:12:03,537 --> 00:12:05,572
Geez. Y-You should
know that, Joe!
330
00:12:05,639 --> 00:12:06,673
You should
definitely know that!
331
00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:08,041
Sorry, Peter.
332
00:12:08,109 --> 00:12:10,043
Sorry doesn't show me
nipples worth seeing!
333
00:12:10,111 --> 00:12:12,879
And as for you, Anna, you're
dreadful and so is the program.
334
00:12:12,947 --> 00:12:14,080
I didn't write it.
335
00:12:14,148 --> 00:12:15,782
Yeah, but you know
the people who do.
336
00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:17,384
That Alan Ball--
you know him, right?
337
00:12:17,451 --> 00:12:18,418
Yeah.
338
00:12:18,486 --> 00:12:19,519
How come everything
he writes
339
00:12:19,587 --> 00:12:21,421
is so dreary?
I don't know.
340
00:12:21,489 --> 00:12:23,156
Tell him to cheer up!
Things ain't so bad!
341
00:12:23,224 --> 00:12:25,625
This is a weird episode.
342
00:12:27,428 --> 00:12:29,662
Okay, Quagmire, I want you
to take the first bite
343
00:12:29,730 --> 00:12:31,030
out of this fudge pop,
344
00:12:31,098 --> 00:12:33,466
because that first bite
is the one that really hurts.
345
00:12:33,534 --> 00:12:35,902
Well, okay.
346
00:12:39,557 --> 00:12:41,691
Ah! Ow!
347
00:12:41,759 --> 00:12:42,692
Ow!
348
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:43,760
Yeah, that's right "Ow."
349
00:12:43,827 --> 00:12:44,861
Now, you swallow that.
350
00:12:44,929 --> 00:12:46,162
Don't you dare spit that out.
351
00:12:46,230 --> 00:12:47,113
What's the
difference?
352
00:12:47,181 --> 00:12:48,031
You got what
you wanted.
353
00:12:48,099 --> 00:12:49,048
I said swallow it!
354
00:12:50,301 --> 00:12:51,768
Now, smear what's
left of it on your face
355
00:12:51,836 --> 00:12:55,688
and look at me
with your mouth open.
356
00:12:55,756 --> 00:12:57,891
Look at yourself,
you filthy whore.
357
00:13:00,394 --> 00:13:02,195
I don't even
want this now.
358
00:13:06,734 --> 00:13:09,369
Okay, guys, now you're gonna do
a synchronized duet
359
00:13:09,437 --> 00:13:11,938
of "Makin' Whoopee" while
I shoot you with this BB gun.
360
00:13:12,006 --> 00:13:12,972
That doesn't
sound safe.
361
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:13,807
Action!
362
00:13:15,376 --> 00:13:17,127
♪ Another bride ♪
♪ She looks so gay ♪
363
00:13:17,194 --> 00:13:18,828
♪ Another June ♪
♪ Oh, what a day ♪
364
00:13:18,879 --> 00:13:21,564
♪ Another sunny
honeymoon ♪
365
00:13:21,632 --> 00:13:22,765
♪ Hip hip hoor... ♪
366
00:13:22,833 --> 00:13:24,334
♪ Another seas... ♪
367
00:13:24,401 --> 00:13:26,035
♪ Another reason ♪
368
00:13:26,103 --> 00:13:27,904
♪ For making whoopee ♪
369
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,592
Look, you aren't gonna shoot us
in the eye, are you, Peter?
370
00:13:32,676 --> 00:13:33,726
Oh, no, Joe.
371
00:13:33,811 --> 00:13:35,395
I wouldn't try
to shoot you in the eye.
372
00:13:35,479 --> 00:13:37,430
♪ A lot of shoes ♪
♪ We're throwing shoes ♪
373
00:13:37,515 --> 00:13:38,921
♪ A lot of rice ♪
♪ It's all so ni... ♪
374
00:13:39,867 --> 00:13:42,368
Peter, it was really
close to my eye!
375
00:13:42,436 --> 00:13:43,369
Relax, Joe.
376
00:13:43,437 --> 00:13:44,637
I'm nowhere near your eye.
377
00:13:44,705 --> 00:13:46,105
Hey, Joe, open your eye.
378
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,942
Gotcha.
379
00:13:49,009 --> 00:13:50,910
What the hell, Peter?!
You shot him in the eye!
380
00:13:50,978 --> 00:13:52,378
Keep singing, you.
And keep your chin up,
381
00:13:52,446 --> 00:13:53,613
so I can see your throat.
382
00:13:53,697 --> 00:13:55,398
No, no screw this!
You're a jerk!
383
00:13:55,466 --> 00:13:57,200
Jerk? What kind of a way is that
384
00:13:57,268 --> 00:13:59,035
to talk to your friend
who gives you money?
385
00:13:59,103 --> 00:14:00,136
Go to hell, Peter!
386
00:14:00,204 --> 00:14:01,337
We don't need
your money!
387
00:14:01,405 --> 00:14:02,839
And we don't need
friends like you!
388
00:14:02,907 --> 00:14:04,207
Yeah! We're out of here!
389
00:14:04,275 --> 00:14:05,475
Fine, go on. I don't care.
390
00:14:05,543 --> 00:14:07,310
I don't need you, I got money!
391
00:14:07,378 --> 00:14:09,646
You know, Peter,
you used to be a great guy.
392
00:14:09,713 --> 00:14:11,247
But ever since
you won that lottery...
393
00:14:12,783 --> 00:14:14,517
Come on, Joe!
394
00:14:14,585 --> 00:14:16,319
this guy!
Aah!
395
00:14:19,623 --> 00:14:21,691
I'm here to audition
for Fiddler on the Roof.
396
00:14:21,759 --> 00:14:23,092
Come right in.
397
00:14:31,558 --> 00:14:33,860
Peter, my God, what the
hell are you wearing?
398
00:14:33,927 --> 00:14:35,978
It's a solid gold
tuxedo, Lois.
399
00:14:36,046 --> 00:14:37,447
I had to fight three rappers
400
00:14:37,514 --> 00:14:39,348
down at the Nonsense Store
for this.
401
00:14:39,416 --> 00:14:41,150
Look, Peter, this
is not who we are.
402
00:14:41,218 --> 00:14:43,252
I'm worried the money
is changing this family,
403
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,754
and not the
way you hoped.
404
00:14:44,822 --> 00:14:47,089
Well, I was hoping it would make
you shut up, so you're right.
405
00:14:47,157 --> 00:14:48,891
You know, I spoke to
Bonnie this morning,
406
00:14:48,959 --> 00:14:51,861
and she said you haven't talked
to Joe or Quagmire in two weeks.
407
00:14:51,929 --> 00:14:53,412
Who cares?
I don't need Quagmire.
408
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,114
And I certainly don't need Joe.
409
00:14:55,182 --> 00:14:56,415
I got Money Joe.
410
00:14:57,468 --> 00:14:58,801
That's a good one, Money Joe!
411
00:14:58,869 --> 00:15:00,970
I don't like what this money
is doing to us.
412
00:15:01,038 --> 00:15:03,072
It's even affecting
Brian and Stewie.
413
00:15:04,274 --> 00:15:05,374
I think I'm gonna
take a nap.
414
00:15:05,442 --> 00:15:07,577
What, here?
Yeah, I had a giant mobile
415
00:15:07,644 --> 00:15:09,996
put in the sky so I can
sleep wherever I want.
416
00:15:12,599 --> 00:15:14,851
This is nice.
417
00:15:14,935 --> 00:15:17,169
I hope that bear
comes around soon.
418
00:15:17,221 --> 00:15:19,772
That's sort of my fave--
Oh, look, the bear!
419
00:15:19,839 --> 00:15:21,290
And it's not just them.
420
00:15:21,358 --> 00:15:24,260
Chris has also been developing
some very expensive tastes.
421
00:15:24,328 --> 00:15:26,596
Model glue, sir?
422
00:15:26,663 --> 00:15:28,314
Well, what do
we have today?
423
00:15:28,365 --> 00:15:31,467
Today we have a recent vintage
procured just this morning
424
00:15:31,535 --> 00:15:33,219
from Michael's Hobby Shop.
425
00:15:33,287 --> 00:15:35,288
Yes, that's
very nice.
426
00:15:35,355 --> 00:15:37,256
Bring me my
finest rag.
427
00:15:37,324 --> 00:15:39,075
Your fancy rag, sir.
428
00:15:39,159 --> 00:15:40,927
You are relieved
for the evening.
429
00:15:46,183 --> 00:15:49,185
You don't see
poor people doing this!
430
00:15:49,253 --> 00:15:50,419
Lois, don't you understand?
431
00:15:50,504 --> 00:15:52,688
We don't got any of
our old problems anymore.
432
00:15:52,756 --> 00:15:54,624
We don't have to worry
about paying bills,
433
00:15:54,691 --> 00:15:56,509
we don't have to worry
about saving dough.
434
00:15:56,577 --> 00:15:58,978
All we got to do
is enjoy ourselves.
435
00:15:59,046 --> 00:16:00,062
Interested?
436
00:16:02,849 --> 00:16:05,234
Oh, my God.
437
00:16:05,319 --> 00:16:08,571
Peter, it's
beautiful!
438
00:16:08,639 --> 00:16:09,872
Is it a blood
diamond?
439
00:16:09,940 --> 00:16:11,307
Ah, the bloodiest.
440
00:16:11,375 --> 00:16:13,976
The two kids who found it were
forced to murder each other.
441
00:16:14,044 --> 00:16:15,811
Oh, Peter,
I love it.
442
00:16:15,879 --> 00:16:18,748
Hey, you want to watch a DVD
of the murder while we do it?
443
00:16:18,832 --> 00:16:20,032
I already watched it
eight times,
444
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,235
so I know exactly
which part I want to blam at.
445
00:16:25,539 --> 00:16:27,873
Chris, Meg, now that
I'm a rich father,
446
00:16:27,941 --> 00:16:30,376
you will try to impress me,
and I will remain distant.
447
00:16:30,444 --> 00:16:31,477
Go.
448
00:16:31,545 --> 00:16:33,579
Um, say, Dad,
did I tell you
449
00:16:33,647 --> 00:16:35,748
I got second place
in the yacht race?
450
00:16:35,816 --> 00:16:38,017
Hmm. Sounds like
somebody's dad
451
00:16:38,085 --> 00:16:39,685
is happier than
me right now.
452
00:16:39,753 --> 00:16:41,387
Well, um, how about this, Dad?
453
00:16:41,455 --> 00:16:43,522
The school paper is
doing a story about me.
454
00:16:43,590 --> 00:16:45,324
That's because I
had it arranged.
455
00:16:45,392 --> 00:16:48,160
Uh, I was thinking about
joining the Army?
456
00:16:48,228 --> 00:16:49,428
No.
457
00:16:49,496 --> 00:16:51,430
Meg, as a girl, your
life holds no merit.
458
00:16:51,498 --> 00:16:53,666
And, Chris, try as you
may, you will never be
459
00:16:53,734 --> 00:16:55,534
as good as your older
brother who died.
460
00:16:55,602 --> 00:16:57,236
He was good at
sports and talking.
461
00:16:57,287 --> 00:16:59,155
Now, pardon me
while I look at scrimshaw
462
00:16:59,222 --> 00:17:00,923
through a magnifying glass.
463
00:17:00,991 --> 00:17:03,426
Ah, brave men all.
464
00:17:03,493 --> 00:17:05,394
Lost sons of New Bedford.
465
00:17:05,462 --> 00:17:07,063
That's good scrimshaw.
466
00:17:10,334 --> 00:17:12,735
Ah, I never thought
I'd be having high tea
467
00:17:12,803 --> 00:17:15,004
at the Park Barrington
every single day.
468
00:17:15,072 --> 00:17:17,773
Yes, it's nice to eat in a sea
of white faces, isn't it?
469
00:17:17,841 --> 00:17:21,110
Waiter, have the chef prepare
a bucket of your finest caviar,
470
00:17:21,178 --> 00:17:23,162
and then give it
a helicopter tour of the city.
471
00:17:23,230 --> 00:17:24,196
Very good, sir.
472
00:17:24,264 --> 00:17:25,731
Very good indeed.
473
00:17:25,799 --> 00:17:28,701
I hope it enjoys it as much as
that Maine lobster I ordered.
474
00:17:28,769 --> 00:17:31,170
And over there is the
Rhode Island State House,
475
00:17:31,238 --> 00:17:33,439
the second largest
self-supporting marble dome
476
00:17:33,507 --> 00:17:34,874
in North America.
477
00:17:34,941 --> 00:17:36,442
Why the
am I doing this?
478
00:17:36,510 --> 00:17:38,044
I could've just
said I did it.
479
00:17:38,111 --> 00:17:39,779
Sir, about
your bill...
480
00:17:39,830 --> 00:17:41,380
Oh, don't worry, Carstairs,
481
00:17:41,448 --> 00:17:43,516
there's ample gratuity
on there for you.
482
00:17:43,583 --> 00:17:44,884
Nyah.
483
00:17:44,951 --> 00:17:47,687
Well, actually, sir, your
card has been declined.
484
00:17:47,754 --> 00:17:49,121
Oh, really?
485
00:17:49,189 --> 00:17:51,540
Well, I'm sure a brief call
to my accountant
486
00:17:51,608 --> 00:17:53,743
will resolve this
to our mutual satisfaction.
487
00:17:55,712 --> 00:17:56,979
Hello, Schnozzenstein?
488
00:17:57,047 --> 00:17:58,381
This is Peter Griffin.
489
00:17:58,448 --> 00:18:00,383
There seems to be
some issue with our credit.
490
00:18:00,450 --> 00:18:03,252
I told Carstairs
you'd set everything straight.
491
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:04,754
What do you mean I'm broke?!
492
00:18:04,821 --> 00:18:07,106
What about all that money
I sent to the Gayman Islands?
493
00:18:07,174 --> 00:18:08,908
They did what with it?!
494
00:18:08,975 --> 00:18:11,010
No, I don't want it back!
495
00:18:11,078 --> 00:18:12,728
I'm gonna miss you,
Carstairs.
496
00:18:12,796 --> 00:18:15,264
I shall miss
you, too, sir.
497
00:18:15,332 --> 00:18:16,949
With no one to look after,
498
00:18:17,016 --> 00:18:18,784
Carstairs fell into
a deep depression
499
00:18:18,852 --> 00:18:20,553
from which he never emerged.
500
00:18:20,620 --> 00:18:22,388
He died two weeks later.
501
00:18:22,456 --> 00:18:24,023
Some say of a broken heart.
502
00:18:24,091 --> 00:18:25,024
What, sir?
503
00:18:25,092 --> 00:18:26,325
But that was Carstairs.
504
00:18:29,896 --> 00:18:31,380
I can't believe it.
505
00:18:31,448 --> 00:18:32,715
We lost everything.
506
00:18:32,783 --> 00:18:34,316
What do we do now?
507
00:18:34,384 --> 00:18:36,585
Well, seems like our
only hope is the lottery.
508
00:18:36,653 --> 00:18:39,722
Holy (bleep), we won twice and
we're right back here again.
509
00:18:39,790 --> 00:18:43,159
We had $150 million, and
we blew through it in a month.
510
00:18:43,226 --> 00:18:45,344
Yeah, but on the bright side,
if this hadn't happened,
511
00:18:45,412 --> 00:18:46,479
we never would've met Kyle.
512
00:18:46,546 --> 00:18:48,147
Hey.
513
00:18:48,215 --> 00:18:49,181
Hello. Hey there.
Hi. What's up?
514
00:18:49,249 --> 00:18:50,750
And that's not even Kyle.
515
00:18:50,817 --> 00:18:52,284
Peter, we can't
live like this.
516
00:18:52,352 --> 00:18:54,003
Well, what are we
supposed to do, Lois?
517
00:18:54,071 --> 00:18:55,204
Everything we
had is gone!
518
00:18:55,272 --> 00:18:56,822
We have friends, Peter.
519
00:18:56,890 --> 00:18:58,107
Not anymore, we don't.
520
00:18:58,175 --> 00:18:59,341
They're good people.
521
00:18:59,409 --> 00:19:00,443
They'll listen.
522
00:19:00,510 --> 00:19:02,144
And they'll care
what happens to us,
523
00:19:02,212 --> 00:19:04,914
even after everything
that's happened.
524
00:19:04,981 --> 00:19:07,216
You know, I'm still young
enough you can drop me
525
00:19:07,284 --> 00:19:09,051
at the fire station,
no questions asked.
526
00:19:17,127 --> 00:19:19,428
Well, well.
Look who it is.
527
00:19:19,496 --> 00:19:20,396
Who is it?
528
00:19:20,464 --> 00:19:21,514
It's me, Peter.
529
00:19:21,581 --> 00:19:22,448
I'm standing
right here.
530
00:19:22,516 --> 00:19:23,949
This is a glass eye, Peter.
531
00:19:24,017 --> 00:19:25,718
They had to remove
the one you shot.
532
00:19:25,786 --> 00:19:28,187
Oh, boy, that whole
day was a mess, huh?
533
00:19:28,255 --> 00:19:29,955
What happened to you, anyway?
You look terrible.
534
00:19:30,023 --> 00:19:32,391
Look, you guys,
I messed up bad.
535
00:19:32,459 --> 00:19:34,393
Winning the lottery
was the worst thing
536
00:19:34,461 --> 00:19:36,295
that ever happened
to me and my family.
537
00:19:36,363 --> 00:19:38,831
I thought being rich
would solve all my problems,
538
00:19:38,899 --> 00:19:41,934
but all it did was make me
forget what was important.
539
00:19:42,002 --> 00:19:44,069
Like who my real friends are.
540
00:19:44,121 --> 00:19:45,821
I don't expect
you to forgive me,
541
00:19:45,906 --> 00:19:49,408
but if, for some reason, you do,
you can find me
542
00:19:49,459 --> 00:19:52,110
in a cardboard box on the corner
of Meeting and Thayer.
543
00:19:53,930 --> 00:19:55,164
Peter, wait.
544
00:19:56,833 --> 00:19:58,717
That corner's
a bit of a hike for me.
545
00:19:58,785 --> 00:20:00,302
I'd rather just
come see you at home.
546
00:20:02,856 --> 00:20:05,157
What-- where'd you get
this kind of money?
547
00:20:05,225 --> 00:20:07,726
The penis enlargement pill you
gave me the startup money for.
548
00:20:07,794 --> 00:20:09,245
It turned a pretty nice profit.
549
00:20:09,312 --> 00:20:11,680
I guess it's only fair
that I give you my percentage
550
00:20:11,748 --> 00:20:13,399
so you can get your house back.
551
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:17,169
Quagmire, I don't know
what to say.
552
00:20:17,237 --> 00:20:18,304
Thank you.
553
00:20:18,371 --> 00:20:19,688
You're welcome.
554
00:20:19,756 --> 00:20:21,707
And if it makes you feel better,
it was money well spent.
555
00:20:21,775 --> 00:20:23,259
Just ask Sandra
the waitress over there.
556
00:20:23,326 --> 00:20:24,877
We had a great time
last night.
557
00:20:24,945 --> 00:20:26,512
Tough girl.
558
00:20:26,580 --> 00:20:27,880
Made it into work.
559
00:20:30,851 --> 00:20:32,918
Boy, I got to say,
it's good to be home.
560
00:20:32,986 --> 00:20:34,753
Yeah. Despite all
the ups and downs,
561
00:20:34,821 --> 00:20:36,388
things turned out for the best.
562
00:20:36,456 --> 00:20:39,058
I mean, really, we're no worse
off than we were before.
563
00:20:39,125 --> 00:20:40,726
Plus, we learned something.
564
00:20:40,794 --> 00:20:42,561
And you can't
put a price on that.
565
00:20:42,629 --> 00:20:43,963
Look, Lois, we all know
what happened.
566
00:20:44,030 --> 00:20:45,163
We're all depressed.
567
00:20:45,215 --> 00:20:46,882
All right, let's just
go to different rooms
568
00:20:46,950 --> 00:20:48,784
and stare blankly
out the window, saying nothing.
569
00:20:48,852 --> 00:20:52,852
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
570
00:20:56,860 --> 00:20:58,878
Congratulations to
tonight's sweepstakes winner,
571
00:20:58,895 --> 00:21:00,830
Daniel San Martin Marrero.
572
00:21:00,897 --> 00:21:02,031
Shapes.
Shut up.