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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,385 --> 00:00:11,771
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 10x13 ♪
Tom Tucker: The Man and His Dream
Original Air Date on February 12, 2012
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00:00:31,446 --> 00:00:35,446
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker,
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and the reason I'm wearing
this mask is because
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we've got a Make-A-Wish
kid in the studio tonight,
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who, as you'll find out
as the show goes on,
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is quite a cougher.
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In local news, Mayor West
signed a bill today...
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See? That's-that's
what I was talking about.
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Are we gonna get that,
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or are we gonna wait
for commercial?
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No, no, you have
to spray it.
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You can't just wipe--
look, you know what?
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Let's just throw
the whole camera out.
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00:01:02,177 --> 00:01:03,644
Okay, Joyce,
you talk now.
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I-I don't even want
to open my mouth.
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You know, Tom,
I haven't seen you in a mask
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since you went under the stage
name George P. Wilbur.
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Oh-ho-ho, Joyce,
you know we don't talk
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about that on the air.
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Oh, my God!
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Did she... did
she just say
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00:01:15,573 --> 00:01:17,925
that George P. Wilbur was
Tom Tucker's stage name?
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00:01:17,992 --> 00:01:19,960
Who the hell
is George P. Wilbur?
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00:01:20,028 --> 00:01:22,696
That's the guy who played
Michael Myers in Halloween 4,
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00:01:22,764 --> 00:01:24,848
the greatest movie
of all time.
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I've only seen that movie
about a thousand times.
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How could I not
have noticed that?
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Good evening. I'm Michael Myers.
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I have enormous
psychological problems,
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and I'm going
to take them out on you.
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It is him. I
can't believe it.
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I mean, that's, like,
my favorite movie ever!
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I thought The Flintstones
in Viva Rock Vegas
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was your favorite movie.
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00:01:50,024 --> 00:01:51,825
No, that's my
favorite period piece.
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Well, that and Good
Night and Good Luck.
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Even though I was tricked
into leaving early.
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Good night and good luck.
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00:01:57,699 --> 00:02:00,501
And good night
and good luck to you, sir.
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00:02:04,873 --> 00:02:06,423
Oh, hi, Chris.
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How was school?
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It was great.
I met a girl, Mom!
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00:02:09,828 --> 00:02:11,445
That's wonderful, honey.
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Yeah, her name is
Lindsey, like the state.
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00:02:13,598 --> 00:02:15,019
Is she nice?
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00:02:15,044 --> 00:02:16,544
Yeah, she's really
nice and super pretty,
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00:02:16,584 --> 00:02:18,402
and her bicycle seat
smells like strawberries.
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Oh. Okay.
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I'm gonna go upstairs
and alternate between
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hopeful excitement
and suicidal pessimism!
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Got to get the energy up.
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Found it.
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Hey, uh, excuse
me, Mr. Tucker.
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You got a second?
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00:02:41,776 --> 00:02:43,376
Oh, hello, Peter.
Sure, come on in.
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Thanks. Um, hey, listen,
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I just found out that
you were the guy
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00:02:46,397 --> 00:02:48,832
who played Michael Myers
in Halloween 4,
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00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:49,864
and I just want to say,
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I think that was the most
brilliant performance ever
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00:02:51,936 --> 00:02:53,270
in the history
of everything,
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00:02:53,338 --> 00:02:55,806
and I wanted to see
if you would sign my DVD.
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00:02:55,874 --> 00:02:57,841
Oh, I suppose.
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00:02:57,892 --> 00:02:59,226
Thanks. Hey, so,
what happened?
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00:02:59,294 --> 00:03:01,461
How come you never
did any more movies?
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00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:03,397
Well, I tried to make a career
out there in Hollywood,
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00:03:03,464 --> 00:03:06,033
but I just didn't realize
how tough acting is.
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00:03:06,100 --> 00:03:07,234
Well, you know
what they say--
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00:03:07,302 --> 00:03:08,735
"Tough actin' Tinactin."
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00:03:08,803 --> 00:03:10,704
I wish I'd
known that then.
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00:03:10,788 --> 00:03:12,301
You see, life after
Halloween 4
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00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:13,747
wasn't exactly smooth sailing.
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00:03:13,791 --> 00:03:15,709
Once I stepped out
from behind that mask,
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Hollywood gave me
the cold shoulder.
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00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:21,832
The work I did manage to get
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was usually just bit parts
that didn't last too long.
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Like the role of Denise's
boyfriend on The Cosby Show.
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00:03:27,755 --> 00:03:29,189
It's nice
to meet you, Martin.
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00:03:29,257 --> 00:03:30,624
Thank you,
Mrs. Huxtable.
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00:03:30,692 --> 00:03:32,559
So, if you guys
are a family,
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00:03:32,627 --> 00:03:34,828
why are none of you
the same shade of black?
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00:03:34,896 --> 00:03:38,181
I was also coked out
of my skull most of the time.
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00:03:38,232 --> 00:03:40,667
But whatever the case,
I was done.
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00:03:42,236 --> 00:03:44,738
I left Hollywood, moved back
to my hometown of Quahog,
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00:03:44,806 --> 00:03:47,057
and wound up working
here as a news anchor.
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00:03:47,125 --> 00:03:49,526
Wow. Well,
don't you miss it?
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00:03:49,594 --> 00:03:52,229
Every second of every day,
but I can't touch coke again.
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00:03:52,297 --> 00:03:53,830
It would ruin my life.
99
00:03:53,898 --> 00:03:54,665
No, I mean acting.
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00:03:54,732 --> 00:03:56,099
Oh. Of course.
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00:03:56,167 --> 00:03:58,902
But it's over for me.
That's all in the past.
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00:03:58,970 --> 00:04:01,838
Well, if you ask me, you got the
makings of a star.
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00:04:01,906 --> 00:04:04,408
- And I want to help you get there.
- Well, that's a nice offer,
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00:04:04,475 --> 00:04:06,677
but I'm not quite sure
how you expect to do that.
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00:04:06,744 --> 00:04:08,946
Well, you've brought me
so much joy over the years
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00:04:09,013 --> 00:04:10,647
as that lovable
murderer of teenagers,
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00:04:10,715 --> 00:04:12,449
and I want to
return the favor.
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I don't even have
an agent anymore.
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00:04:14,118 --> 00:04:16,453
Well, then how about this?
I'll be your agent.
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00:04:16,521 --> 00:04:17,530
You?
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00:04:17,555 --> 00:04:19,055
Yeah, I've seen every
episode of Entourage.
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00:04:19,057 --> 00:04:20,624
All you need is
some fake hair
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00:04:20,692 --> 00:04:22,526
and a bunch of Hobbits
hanging around you.
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00:04:22,593 --> 00:04:24,244
You're on in five
minutes, Mr. Tucker.
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00:04:24,312 --> 00:04:25,445
You don't belong here.
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00:04:25,513 --> 00:04:26,813
You're better than this.
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00:04:26,881 --> 00:04:28,715
You're Halloween 4 better.
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00:04:28,783 --> 00:04:30,233
Look, I appreciate
your offer,
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00:04:30,284 --> 00:04:32,319
but I've got a pretty
good thing going here.
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In a few minutes,
I've got to be on camera
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00:04:34,053 --> 00:04:36,133
in front of 800 people.
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00:04:41,112 --> 00:04:42,863
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
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00:04:42,930 --> 00:04:45,682
Our top story tonight: The
Rhode Island Historical Society
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00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:48,752
is heralding the arrival
of a cast-iron, oak-handled
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Colonial bedsheet warmer,
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00:04:50,555 --> 00:04:52,956
now on display
in the Statehouse Rotunda.
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00:04:53,024 --> 00:04:54,591
Okay, there it is.
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00:04:54,659 --> 00:04:58,395
As I understand it, they would
put the coal inside of that,
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00:04:58,463 --> 00:05:01,431
and then put the object
between the sheets.
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00:05:01,499 --> 00:05:03,600
It was very cold back then.
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00:05:03,668 --> 00:05:05,569
And it would warm the sheets.
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00:05:07,405 --> 00:05:09,439
And I-I think that's
the gist of it.
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00:05:09,507 --> 00:05:11,341
How much footage
of this do we have?
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00:05:11,409 --> 00:05:13,076
Oh-oh, this is live.
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00:05:13,144 --> 00:05:14,478
This... Can-can she hear me?
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Okay, you can put it down now.
137
00:05:16,881 --> 00:05:19,416
You... She can't hear me. Okay.
138
00:05:20,918 --> 00:05:22,986
What the hell is going on here?
139
00:05:23,054 --> 00:05:25,522
Is it... is it...
Am I having a stroke?
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00:05:27,658 --> 00:05:29,159
Wait, Peter! Don't go!
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00:05:29,227 --> 00:05:31,011
So, you changed
your mind, huh, buddy?
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00:05:31,079 --> 00:05:32,662
We going to Hollywood?
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00:05:32,714 --> 00:05:34,414
You betcha.
But I have to say,
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00:05:34,482 --> 00:05:36,332
I thought you'd
drive a fancier car.
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00:05:36,357 --> 00:05:37,484
What? Why?
146
00:05:37,485 --> 00:05:40,120
Well, aren't you the Peter Griffin
of Peter Griffin Cadillac?
147
00:05:40,188 --> 00:05:41,421
No, that's another guy.
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00:05:41,489 --> 00:05:43,423
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin,
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00:05:43,491 --> 00:05:46,443
and at Peter Griffin Cadillac,
we believe in three things:
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00:05:46,511 --> 00:05:49,246
fair dealing, family,
and friendship.
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00:05:49,313 --> 00:05:51,148
I've lived in Quahog
my whole life.
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00:05:51,215 --> 00:05:52,616
I love it here.
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00:05:52,683 --> 00:05:54,985
And you're gonna love
a Peter Griffin Cadillac.
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Scumbag.
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00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,250
All right, Lois,
remember to feed the cat,
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00:06:04,275 --> 00:06:05,775
and remember to get a cat.
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00:06:05,849 --> 00:06:07,850
I still don't understand
why you got to go
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00:06:07,918 --> 00:06:09,352
all the way
to Hollywood.
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Because I know Tom Tucker
could be a great actor,
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00:06:11,655 --> 00:06:13,723
and I'm gonna help him
make it happen.
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00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,658
You see, everybody
needs just one person
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to believe in
their dreams
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00:06:17,227 --> 00:06:19,695
so they can spread
their wings and fly.
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00:06:19,763 --> 00:06:21,364
Dad, can I have money
for dance classes?
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Sit down, you
dumpy bread loaf.
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I'd pay to see
you not dance.
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- When will you be back?
- I don't know.
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00:06:26,403 --> 00:06:28,004
But I'll be sure
to be back
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00:06:28,071 --> 00:06:29,572
before Chris's big
dance class recital.
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00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,140
I believe
in that boy.
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00:06:31,208 --> 00:06:32,541
I don't want
to dance!
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00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:33,743
You'll dance!
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00:06:41,785 --> 00:06:43,252
Boy, I don't
know, Peter,
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00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:45,338
being back out here makes me
kind of nervous.
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00:06:45,422 --> 00:06:46,756
Maybe-maybe this
was all a mistake.
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00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,474
Don't be silly, Tom--
you're an actor,
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00:06:48,558 --> 00:06:50,176
and this is where you belong.
Now, let's take some of
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00:06:50,260 --> 00:06:53,062
this complimentary luggage
and get going.
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00:06:54,798 --> 00:06:56,932
Well, so, h-how
do we do this?
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You do nothing.
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You just sit back
and let your agent
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00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,490
knock on every door in
Hollywood till he gets
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00:07:01,515 --> 00:07:02,715
you an acting job.
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00:07:03,106 --> 00:07:05,608
And that starts right now.
185
00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,343
Yes? C-Can
I help you?
186
00:07:07,411 --> 00:07:08,811
No, but I can help you.
187
00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:10,513
You need to hire this man.
188
00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:13,015
Oh. Um, okay.
189
00:07:13,083 --> 00:07:16,352
Well, do you have any experience
handling bags?
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00:07:16,420 --> 00:07:17,820
Aha! I see!
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00:07:17,888 --> 00:07:19,555
Typical casting-couch stuff.
192
00:07:19,623 --> 00:07:21,657
All right, kid,
you want to make it
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00:07:21,725 --> 00:07:23,109
in showbiz
or don't you?
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00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:30,533
I thought the airport
was Hollywood.
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00:07:35,605 --> 00:07:39,141
Hey, Mom, I want you to
meet my new girlfriend.
196
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:40,242
New girlfriend?
197
00:07:40,310 --> 00:07:41,644
Yeah, you remember that girl
198
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:43,112
Lindsey I told you about?
199
00:07:43,180 --> 00:07:46,549
Well, I asked her out,
and now we are dating.
200
00:07:46,616 --> 00:07:49,635
Lindsey, this is my mom,
my little brother Stewie,
201
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,504
and my dog Brian.
202
00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:52,371
Hey.
203
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,740
Oh, my God.
204
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,242
My goodness,
look at you.
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00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,545
Do you even realize
who you look like?
206
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:00,746
Cameron Diaz,
that's who.
207
00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:03,282
You are gorgeous!
208
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,151
Well, she's awful pretty-- I
know that, Mom.
209
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,452
Are you kidding me?
210
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,787
Are they not seeing this?
211
00:08:07,854 --> 00:08:09,488
I know, it's kind of creepy.
It's almost like
212
00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:11,490
he's dating Lois.
Yeah.
213
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:13,559
Looks like somebody's
getting a little Oedipus-y.
214
00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:15,478
- Can we say that?
- Just did.
215
00:08:19,216 --> 00:08:21,083
All right, Tom, this is
totally gonna work.
216
00:08:21,151 --> 00:08:22,902
All the biggest Hollywood
players eat here,
217
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:25,521
and we just got to make them
think we're one of them.
218
00:08:25,589 --> 00:08:27,890
That's why I got these
old Hollywood Jew glasses.
219
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:29,191
Waiter! Oh, waiter!
220
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:31,210
Yes sir. Are you gentlemen
ready to order?
221
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:34,330
Yes, I will have the Big and Fancy,
and my client here
222
00:08:34,397 --> 00:08:35,411
will have a bottle
of your best steak.
223
00:08:35,436 --> 00:08:36,636
Right away, sir.
224
00:08:36,821 --> 00:08:38,142
Peter, I-I'm not sure
what any of this
225
00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:39,675
has to do with
getting me acting jobs.
226
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:41,100
Tom, who's the agent here?
227
00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:42,680
- You are.
- And who is the actor?
228
00:08:42,748 --> 00:08:44,482
Well, I am.
229
00:08:44,550 --> 00:08:46,684
Wait, which one am I again?
The agent.
230
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:49,204
And who's paying for dinner?
I assumed you were.
231
00:08:49,271 --> 00:08:51,573
Ah, then we best load
our pockets with bread
232
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,158
and get the hell
out of here.
233
00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:55,310
We have to go!
234
00:08:55,377 --> 00:08:57,962
Not expensive enough!
235
00:08:58,030 --> 00:09:00,548
Excuse me, I couldn't help but
notice your glasses,
236
00:09:00,616 --> 00:09:03,751
your poor table manners and
your huge sense of entitlement.
237
00:09:03,819 --> 00:09:05,186
- Are you an agent?
- I am.
238
00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:07,655
You've got ten seconds
to dazzle me. Go.
239
00:09:07,723 --> 00:09:10,375
Well, I'm the casting
director for NCIS,
240
00:09:10,442 --> 00:09:13,111
and we need an actor for a
mall role that shoots tomorrow.
241
00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:14,913
This is your man.
242
00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:17,048
That's great! He's got just
the look we're after.
243
00:09:17,116 --> 00:09:19,484
Show up here at
10:00 a.m. tomorrow.
244
00:09:19,551 --> 00:09:20,902
How about that, huh, Tom?
245
00:09:20,970 --> 00:09:22,203
You're back in
the business.
246
00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:24,072
Wow, Peter,
I can't believe it!
247
00:09:24,139 --> 00:09:25,456
Hey, don't be
so surprised.
248
00:09:25,524 --> 00:09:27,458
I've been pounding the
pavement for you, buddy.
249
00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:29,460
I even gave out all
my business cards.
250
00:09:29,528 --> 00:09:32,229
Call me! Call me! Call me!
251
00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,832
Call me! Call me!
Call me! Call me!
252
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:37,652
Ah, show business.
253
00:09:40,856 --> 00:09:43,291
Oh, hi, you two.
254
00:09:43,359 --> 00:09:45,960
You know, Lindsey, I just
want to say how nice it is
255
00:09:46,028 --> 00:09:48,162
to have such a beautiful young
woman in our home.
256
00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:49,397
Oh, a baby.
257
00:09:49,465 --> 00:09:51,132
I almost had one
of you twice.
258
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,651
Who didn't, right?
259
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:56,054
So, what are you
two up to tonight?
260
00:09:56,121 --> 00:09:57,872
Well, we really
haven't decided yet.
261
00:09:57,940 --> 00:09:59,824
Eh, I'll think of something
while I'm taking
262
00:09:59,892 --> 00:10:01,859
a chick dump in your
parents' bathroom.
263
00:10:01,927 --> 00:10:04,429
And I will
hold your purse.
264
00:10:04,496 --> 00:10:05,763
Good for Chris, huh?
265
00:10:05,831 --> 00:10:07,465
He picked a
peach, didn't he?
266
00:10:07,533 --> 00:10:10,535
Lois, don't you think maybe part
of the reason you like Lindsey
267
00:10:10,603 --> 00:10:12,437
could be because she
looks so much like you?
268
00:10:12,504 --> 00:10:13,621
What?
269
00:10:13,689 --> 00:10:15,306
Come on, she's clearly
an awful person.
270
00:10:15,374 --> 00:10:17,141
And I think it's possible
that your vanity
271
00:10:17,209 --> 00:10:18,993
has made you
a little blind to that.
272
00:10:19,061 --> 00:10:21,896
Oh... I see what's
going on here-- you're jealous.
273
00:10:21,964 --> 00:10:24,365
Chris has a wonderful
young woman in his life,
274
00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:25,933
and you've got nothing.
275
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,135
She's kind of
right, Brian.
276
00:10:27,202 --> 00:10:29,270
All you've got is
a worn-out rope toy
277
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:32,440
and that squirrel who comes
by once a day to taunt you.
278
00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,626
Hey!
279
00:10:34,693 --> 00:10:36,794
Hey, get out of here!
This is our yard!
280
00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:38,596
You don't belong there!
Don't you touch anything!
281
00:10:38,664 --> 00:10:39,897
I told you all this yesterday!
282
00:10:51,293 --> 00:10:54,429
To your first big
TV acting job.
283
00:10:54,496 --> 00:10:56,497
We now return to NCIS.
284
00:10:56,565 --> 00:10:58,333
Oh, here it is.
Here comes my part.
285
00:10:59,568 --> 00:11:01,002
Excuse me.
286
00:11:01,070 --> 00:11:02,837
I'm looking for
Ed Manzelli.
287
00:11:02,905 --> 00:11:04,472
Good evening.
I'm Ed Manzelli.
288
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:06,140
What can I do for you?
289
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:08,376
I'm looking for a guy
who used to work here.
290
00:11:08,444 --> 00:11:10,378
Name's Mario.
Got any idea where he could be?
291
00:11:10,446 --> 00:11:12,280
I haven't seen him
in over a month.
292
00:11:12,348 --> 00:11:13,915
That's the end of my line.
293
00:11:13,982 --> 00:11:15,950
Your line, NCIS.
294
00:11:16,018 --> 00:11:18,886
You son of a bitch,
you made me feel again.
295
00:11:18,971 --> 00:11:21,422
Oh, don't you go
'cause I'll go.
296
00:11:21,490 --> 00:11:23,941
You know, Peter, I
just want to thank you
297
00:11:24,009 --> 00:11:25,443
for all you've
done for me.
298
00:11:25,511 --> 00:11:27,278
You... You are one
hell of an agent.
299
00:11:27,346 --> 00:11:29,213
Well, with you
as a client, it's easy.
300
00:11:29,281 --> 00:11:30,365
Mr. Griffin?
301
00:11:30,432 --> 00:11:31,783
Yes, Sandra?
You have a secretary?
302
00:11:31,850 --> 00:11:33,685
She calls herself
an assistant, but yes.
303
00:11:33,752 --> 00:11:34,986
What is it, Sandra?
304
00:11:35,054 --> 00:11:36,654
There's a man
here to see you.
305
00:11:36,722 --> 00:11:39,457
He says he wants to talk
to you about being his agent.
306
00:11:39,525 --> 00:11:41,559
Really?! Well, then,
by all means, send him in!
307
00:11:41,627 --> 00:11:43,144
Hey, knucklebutts!
308
00:11:43,212 --> 00:11:45,413
James Woods?!
309
00:11:45,481 --> 00:11:47,048
But I... I don't understand!
310
00:11:47,116 --> 00:11:48,783
I... I thought you were dead!
311
00:11:48,851 --> 00:11:50,351
Well...
I'm not.
312
00:11:50,419 --> 00:11:51,552
I don't believe you.
313
00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:53,087
God, is that true?
314
00:11:53,155 --> 00:11:54,489
God?
315
00:11:54,556 --> 00:11:57,091
God, are you there?
316
00:12:03,182 --> 00:12:06,117
Come on, don't touch yourself.
You're God.
317
00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:14,867
I-I don't get it.
Last time we saw you,
318
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:17,703
Diane Simmons had just stabbed
you in the back with a knife.
319
00:12:17,771 --> 00:12:19,972
Yeah! How the hell
did you come back to life?!
320
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,424
Well, gentlemen,
321
00:12:21,508 --> 00:12:24,210
sometimes being a big Hollywood
star has its advantages.
322
00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:31,367
Hey, is this guy somebody?
323
00:12:31,435 --> 00:12:33,102
Yeah, that's James Woods!
324
00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:34,503
We got a celebrity here!
325
00:12:34,571 --> 00:12:36,589
I repeat, this is not
a normal dead person!
326
00:12:36,657 --> 00:12:37,690
This is a celebrity!
327
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,811
Being a famous movie star
entitled me
328
00:12:41,878 --> 00:12:43,562
to topnotch medical care
329
00:12:43,614 --> 00:12:46,983
not available
to the rest of society.
330
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,601
My body was immediately taken
to a Hollywood hospital,
331
00:12:49,653 --> 00:12:53,306
where I was hooked up
to a 17-year-old ingenue.
332
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:57,827
And in accordance
with Hollywood law,
333
00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,612
her life force was infused
into me,
334
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,298
bringing me back from the dead.
335
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,216
What happened to the girl?
336
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,202
I threw her out a car window
at Nora Ephron.
337
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,056
Stop making
Jack Nicholson a pansy!
338
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,958
You're thinking of Nancy Meyers!
339
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:13,960
You're the same thing!
340
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,428
Wow. That's amazing.
341
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,797
So, what do you say, Peter?
Will you be my agent?
342
00:13:17,864 --> 00:13:19,115
I don't get it.
Why would a big shot
343
00:13:19,182 --> 00:13:20,549
like you want me for an agent?
344
00:13:20,617 --> 00:13:22,601
Because you're an up-and-comer,
because you're hungry.
345
00:13:22,653 --> 00:13:23,853
I am hungry.
346
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,488
But you put me
and my family
347
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:27,356
through a lot of
crap over the years.
348
00:13:27,424 --> 00:13:28,924
Why would I want
to help you?
349
00:13:28,992 --> 00:13:30,159
Well, because
you're my agent.
350
00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:31,694
Oh, my God, you're
right! I am!
351
00:13:31,762 --> 00:13:32,995
Hey, hold on now.
352
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,847
You came out here
to be my agent.
353
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,682
Tom, relax,
I can take care of you both.
354
00:13:36,750 --> 00:13:38,417
You'd be surprised
how much I can handle.
355
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:41,287
Peter, I need you to drop
Stewie off at day care,
356
00:13:41,355 --> 00:13:43,789
and then shred this big
stack of old bank statements.
357
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:45,391
You got it, Lois.
358
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:49,428
Is he always
this quiet?
359
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:55,534
So, Kevin made another attempt
on his life last night.
360
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,603
He drank two bottles
of dish soap.
361
00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,205
Well, we have
some news, too.
362
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,874
Chris is dating the
most wonderful girl.
363
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,477
You know, everyone said, "Don't
smoke during your pregnancy,"
364
00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:07,747
but I think some of it rubbed
off on him 'cause now he's cool.
365
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,181
That's nice.
366
00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:10,916
Well, I should go, Lois.
367
00:14:10,984 --> 00:14:13,703
Yeah, I should probably
get going myself.
368
00:14:13,770 --> 00:14:15,071
Oh, my God!
369
00:14:18,075 --> 00:14:19,558
What? What is it, Lois?
370
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:20,926
That girl over there--
371
00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:22,895
that... that's
Chris's girlfriend!
372
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:25,664
Hey, you know, she kind of
looks like you, Lois.
373
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:27,933
Maybe she'll thank me
for buying the coffee.
374
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,069
You think she
looks like me, too?
375
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:31,871
Oh, my God.
376
00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:33,773
I'm starting to
think Brian was right.
377
00:14:33,840 --> 00:14:36,976
Maybe I have been blinded
by my own stupid vanity.
378
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,744
That girl is
nothing but trouble.
379
00:14:38,812 --> 00:14:40,613
Are you gonna tell Chris?
380
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,348
I guess I'll have to,
381
00:14:42,416 --> 00:14:44,617
but he doesn't take
bad news very well.
382
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,853
Oh, Chris, honey,
I'm so sorry to tell you this,
383
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:50,222
but your grandfather died.
384
00:14:58,899 --> 00:15:00,066
All right, gentlemen.
385
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,967
So, what do you got
for my client?
386
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,769
Well, we're making a
mediocre action film,
387
00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:06,472
and we think James is just the
guy to do a serviceable job
388
00:15:06,540 --> 00:15:09,208
in a supporting role that
Jeremy Irons, Jeff Goldblum,
389
00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,310
and Craig T. Nelson
have already passed on.
390
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:13,612
Well, we'd need
to see a script first.
391
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,814
Oh, looks good.
392
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,148
What do you think, James?
393
00:15:16,216 --> 00:15:17,249
I like it.
Good.
394
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,818
I say we move on this.
395
00:15:18,885 --> 00:15:20,186
All right, then,
let's negotiate.
396
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,837
- We want everything.
- We'll give you nothing.
397
00:15:21,905 --> 00:15:23,556
- We want something.
- Deal.
398
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,262
Ugh, not this hillbilly
from Rhode Island again.
399
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,498
No thank you.
400
00:15:32,566 --> 00:15:34,033
This is Peter Griffin,
famous agent,
401
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,734
but you can call me PG-13.
402
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,002
Ba-boom!
403
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,270
Leave a message.
404
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,638
Hi, Peter, it's Tom.
405
00:15:39,706 --> 00:15:41,474
Uh, just trying
to reach you again.
406
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,075
And you know,
about that meeting
407
00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:44,977
you set up with me
and Heath Ledger...
408
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,612
He... He never showed.
409
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:49,215
Maybe I was at the wrong
Panda Express, but I...
410
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,550
Anyway, uh, call me back.
411
00:15:54,488 --> 00:15:56,705
Hey, listen, thanks for
inviting me to lunch, Peter.
412
00:15:56,773 --> 00:15:58,140
I-I was starting
to get nervous
413
00:15:58,208 --> 00:15:59,742
when you weren't
returning my calls.
414
00:15:59,810 --> 00:16:02,411
Tom, I... I didn't know
how to say this to you,
415
00:16:02,479 --> 00:16:04,180
so, here,
take this piece of paper.
416
00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:08,050
And you're on in four,
three, two...
417
00:16:08,118 --> 00:16:10,486
"Peter Griffin drops Tom Tucker
as a client."
418
00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:12,922
You're-you're dropping me
as a client?
419
00:16:12,989 --> 00:16:14,256
Yeah, just heard it
on the news.
420
00:16:14,324 --> 00:16:15,541
How could you do this?!
421
00:16:15,609 --> 00:16:17,009
Look, it's a whole
different landscape
422
00:16:17,077 --> 00:16:18,210
out here since Thursday.
423
00:16:18,278 --> 00:16:19,745
Everything's on computers now.
424
00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,947
Peter, I left a very
good job for this!
425
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,782
You're the only reason
I came back out here!
426
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:25,184
I wish I could help you, Tom,
427
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:26,452
but this is coming
from upstairs.
428
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:27,786
The karate studio?
429
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:29,288
Tom, I have to go now.
430
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:32,691
But if you're ever Kevin James,
I want you to give me a call.
431
00:16:38,515 --> 00:16:39,915
Mm. Hello?
432
00:16:39,983 --> 00:16:41,717
Peter, it's me, Woodsy!
I need a favor.
433
00:16:41,785 --> 00:16:44,253
What?! It's, like, 2:00 a.m.
434
00:16:44,321 --> 00:16:46,021
Yeah, so listen, I'm
at Chateau Marmont,
435
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,656
I just met this
18-year-old chick,
436
00:16:47,724 --> 00:16:49,925
and I can't decide
whether to take her home
437
00:16:49,993 --> 00:16:51,694
or keep doing blow
with Tom Sizemore
438
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,246
and see if I can do
better later in the night.
439
00:16:54,314 --> 00:16:55,481
Well, okay, um...
440
00:16:55,549 --> 00:16:57,082
Do, uh, do-do you love her?
441
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,251
What?! Look, I'm
texting you her picture.
442
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:02,021
Just tell me if you
think she's hot enough.
443
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,474
I... What is this
a picture of?
444
00:17:05,542 --> 00:17:07,643
Is that the bottom
of a white pumpkin?
445
00:17:07,711 --> 00:17:09,211
Is she hot or not?
446
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:10,880
I-I guess.
Okay, good, great.
447
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:13,632
So clear out of your apartment;
we're gonna be there in 15.
448
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:14,884
What?! I'm sleeping.
449
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,719
Why can't you bring her
to your place?
450
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,120
I don't know, man.
451
00:17:18,188 --> 00:17:19,655
It's my aunt's
daughter. It's weird.
452
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,345
Chris, honey,
453
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,380
there's something
I want to talk to you about.
454
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:29,848
Why, sure, Mom. Come on in.
455
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:31,617
Chris, you know
your girlfriend, Lindsey?
456
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:33,018
Yeah.
457
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,087
Well, honey,
458
00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,790
I saw her making out
with another boy.
459
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,959
Was she kissing with her mouth,
or her pants-mouth?
460
00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,260
Because she does both.
461
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,495
Chris, I can't believe
you knew about this!
462
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,097
That's terrible!
463
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,433
Why would you even date
a girl like that?
464
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:50,636
Well, because...
I-I thought she'd be like you.
465
00:17:50,704 --> 00:17:51,704
Like me?
466
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,172
Well, you got to admit, Mom,
467
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,407
she does look a lot like you.
468
00:17:55,475 --> 00:17:58,210
I mean, I just look at
you and Dad, you know?
469
00:17:58,261 --> 00:18:00,930
He's a complete train wreck,
and you put up with him.
470
00:18:01,014 --> 00:18:03,048
And I'm no prize myself.
471
00:18:03,099 --> 00:18:06,719
So, I guess I figured if I don't
find a girl just like you,
472
00:18:06,770 --> 00:18:08,687
I might never find anyone.
473
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,439
Oh, Chris.
474
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:12,341
Of course you'll find someone.
475
00:18:12,409 --> 00:18:13,776
And you are a prize.
476
00:18:13,843 --> 00:18:16,011
You're a handsome,
kind-hearted, young man,
477
00:18:16,079 --> 00:18:18,948
and any girl would be lucky
to have you in her life.
478
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,282
You really think so?
479
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:22,084
Of course I do, sweetheart.
480
00:18:22,152 --> 00:18:23,986
Thanks, Mo
481
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,856
Now I'm gonna take the child
filter off the computer,
482
00:18:27,924 --> 00:18:29,959
and I want you
to have a fun night.
483
00:18:34,531 --> 00:18:35,831
Okay, this is it, James.
484
00:18:35,899 --> 00:18:37,666
I got your next
project right here.
485
00:18:37,734 --> 00:18:40,486
Peter, you've pitched me
dozens of projects,
486
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:43,489
and all of them involve me
playing a hayride driver.
487
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:45,824
I don't know, I just
see you doing that.
488
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:48,077
You know, this year, it's
vampires, next year, it's hay.
489
00:18:48,144 --> 00:18:49,345
These things go in cycles.
490
00:18:49,412 --> 00:18:50,974
Peter, this is probably
a good time to fire you.
491
00:18:50,975 --> 00:18:52,243
What?!
492
00:18:52,268 --> 00:18:53,868
Come on, Peter,
who are we kidding?
493
00:18:53,950 --> 00:18:55,718
You're a one-man operation.
494
00:18:55,785 --> 00:18:57,486
You know me.
I need a whole crew.
495
00:18:57,570 --> 00:19:00,372
I need a drugs guy,
a girls guy, a fitness guy,
496
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,909
a guy with a boat who can dump
stuff way-out-there kind of guy.
497
00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,411
But... But you're
my only client!
498
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,612
Without you, I'm ruined!
499
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,147
Well, that's show business.
500
00:19:08,214 --> 00:19:11,233
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have
to answer this fake phone call.
501
00:19:11,301 --> 00:19:12,768
Hello? Grimace
from McDonald's?
502
00:19:12,836 --> 00:19:14,536
Sorry, Peter,
I got to take this.
503
00:19:14,604 --> 00:19:15,938
No, I understand.
504
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:23,846
Hey, Tom.
505
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,614
How you doing?
506
00:19:25,682 --> 00:19:26,849
What do you want?
507
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:28,417
James Woods fired me.
508
00:19:28,485 --> 00:19:30,719
Listen, I-I been thinking.
509
00:19:30,787 --> 00:19:32,788
I was a real jerk to you.
510
00:19:32,856 --> 00:19:34,323
I dragged you out here,
511
00:19:34,391 --> 00:19:36,859
only to dump you
when you needed me the most.
512
00:19:36,926 --> 00:19:38,177
I guess what I'm saying is,
513
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:40,412
I'm really sorry
about everything.
514
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,014
Sorry doesn't
cut it, Peter.
515
00:19:42,082 --> 00:19:44,583
I quit my job, I left everything
behind to come out here.
516
00:19:44,651 --> 00:19:46,385
I know, but I was
just trying to help.
517
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:47,953
I never wanted to let you down.
518
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:51,857
Well, I suppose your only crime
is that you believed in me.
519
00:19:51,925 --> 00:19:54,193
And then stopped believing
in me rather abruptly.
520
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,594
So what do you say?
521
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:57,696
You ready to go back
to where we both belong?
522
00:19:57,764 --> 00:20:00,332
Yup. Let's go home.
523
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,734
Sounds good.
524
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,770
Hey, check out this picture
James Woods texted me.
525
00:20:04,838 --> 00:20:07,439
What is that? A balloon
running out of air?
526
00:20:07,507 --> 00:20:09,375
Yeah, see, I was hoping
you would know.
527
00:20:10,443 --> 00:20:12,010
It's his cousin's anus.
528
00:20:16,282 --> 00:20:17,750
Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.
529
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,284
And I'm Joyce Kinney.
530
00:20:19,352 --> 00:20:22,588
Tom, I think I speak for all of
us here at Channel Five News
531
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,923
when I say it's good
to have you back here
532
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,024
at half your
original salary.
533
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,226
Still twice yours, Joyce.
534
00:20:27,293 --> 00:20:28,627
Our top story tonight:
535
00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:31,096
Quahog's first organic
supermarket opens this weekend.
536
00:20:31,164 --> 00:20:33,298
So head on down
before the gays turn it
537
00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:35,934
into a cruising ground like
they did the Barnes and Noble
538
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:38,070
upstairs coffee bar,
which they had to close.
539
00:20:38,138 --> 00:20:40,439
Well, I'm just happy
Tom got his job back.
540
00:20:40,507 --> 00:20:42,775
But I'm sorry I missed meeting
your girlfriend, Chris.
541
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:44,243
That's okay, Dad.
542
00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:45,677
Yeah, Chris, I
never asked you.
543
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,980
What did Lindsey say when
you broke up with her?
544
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,715
Oh, she didn't seem to mind.
545
00:20:49,783 --> 00:20:51,683
I think she already moved on
to someone else.
546
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,385
Thanks for buying me
these clothes, Glenn.
547
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,686
You're welcome.
548
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,021
And you're dismissed.
549
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,956
Do I still get
to keep the 20?
550
00:20:59,579 --> 00:21:03,579
== sync, corrected by elderman ==