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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,847 --> 00:00:08,049
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,123 --> 00:00:11,518
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:14,704
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,817 --> 00:00:18,041
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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*FAMILY GUY
Season 16 Episode 01
Title: "Emmy-Winning Episode"
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00:00:34,766 --> 00:00:37,710
We now return
to Vedder Call Saul.
12
00:00:37,768 --> 00:00:39,554
♪ Hey, Saul ♪
13
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♪ Got into a little trouble
and I'm gonna need a lawyer ♪
14
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♪ Hey-ey ♪
15
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Okay, so tell me exactly what happened.
16
00:00:45,394 --> 00:00:47,681
♪ I was driving ♪
17
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♪ Had a bit to drink and then
I ran into a milk truck ♪
18
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♪ Yeah-ah ♪
19
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Were you on drugs?
20
00:00:53,166 --> 00:00:55,348
♪ "E" and blow. ♪
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Turn that off. I'm mad at TV.
22
00:00:57,803 --> 00:00:58,987
Peter, what's wrong?
23
00:00:59,045 --> 00:01:01,551
Family Guy has been around
since 1999
24
00:01:01,609 --> 00:01:03,795
and whenever it's time for the
Emmys, they don't give us one.
25
00:01:03,852 --> 00:01:04,720
I'm sick of it!
26
00:01:04,778 --> 00:01:07,011
Well, I'm not making another
episode with The Simpsons.
27
00:01:07,072 --> 00:01:08,084
What did that get us?
28
00:01:08,167 --> 00:01:09,534
I'll tell you what it got us.
29
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More ink for The Simpsons.
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Yeah. "Simpsons plays
down to competition."
31
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"Simpsons step into the sewer."
32
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,044
"Shame on you, Simpsons."
33
00:01:18,111 --> 00:01:19,564
Those lucky bastards.
34
00:01:19,665 --> 00:01:21,847
Well, this week, we do classy comedy.
35
00:01:21,989 --> 00:01:22,996
Emmy comedy.
36
00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:24,812
I think that's a great idea.
37
00:01:24,886 --> 00:01:27,310
It's about time we made
some quality television
38
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like Modern Family,
Girls and Transparent.
39
00:01:29,917 --> 00:01:31,005
That's the spirit.
40
00:01:31,072 --> 00:01:34,072
Griffins, let's make this
our Emmy-winning episode.
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So get all your pukes and farts out now.
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I mean, I mean, I mean...
43
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not funny.
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♪ ♪
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♪♪ Salsa music playing...
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♪♪
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Kids, it's me, tu madre, Lois Griffin.
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Time for breakfast.
49
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Oh, yeah.
50
00:01:59,569 --> 00:02:01,831
Good morning, Lois,
which is who you are.
51
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My wife, Lois. Hugging my wife.
52
00:02:07,902 --> 00:02:10,118
Package for Peter Griffin.
53
00:02:10,176 --> 00:02:12,177
Thank you, unknown delivery woman.
54
00:02:12,235 --> 00:02:13,536
Forget the freaking Emmy.
55
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If you touch her ass, I will...
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"Amazon."
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Ay, my Uncle Alejandro
lives in the Amazon.
58
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Do you think he has sent us
shoes made from banana leaves?
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00:02:23,655 --> 00:02:25,690
Boy, the, uh, the ethnic characters
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on these Emmy-winning shows
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aren't exactly rocket
scientists, are they?
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I don't know what you
talkin' about, Liz Lemon.
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No, this is something I ordered, for me.
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I am a woman and always have been.
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I've made plans to undergo surgery
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so my wang don't get in the
way of the woman what I am.
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Ay, dios mio.
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00:02:45,937 --> 00:02:48,316
Lois, I'll still be a
parent to our children.
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But now I'll be a trans-parent.
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Get it? Transparent?
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00:02:52,913 --> 00:02:54,266
Clever pun, right?
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Please, honor me for my courage.
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♪ ♪
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I think gender-reassignment
surgery is very brave
75
00:03:07,348 --> 00:03:09,408
and the fat man should win
some kind of award for it.
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00:03:09,465 --> 00:03:11,671
- The fat woman.
- He hasn't chopped it off yet.
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00:03:11,729 --> 00:03:14,392
That doesn't matter. Peter
already identifies as a woman.
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00:03:14,450 --> 00:03:16,870
And on karaoke night, I
identify as George Michael.
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00:03:16,928 --> 00:03:18,277
That doesn't mean it's true.
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Brian's just mad because
he has to be the lady one.
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00:03:21,090 --> 00:03:23,171
Which makes you the one
who's gay in real life.
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00:03:23,633 --> 00:03:27,152
Daddies, I'm standing here,
delivering my line
83
00:03:27,219 --> 00:03:29,726
with more emotion
and less of a monotone
84
00:03:29,784 --> 00:03:32,880
than the actual Lily on Modern Family.
85
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I'm now confident enough
to share my truth
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00:03:35,312 --> 00:03:38,533
with the rest of my loved ones,
beginning with my son, Chris.
87
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Bazinga, Father.
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00:03:42,778 --> 00:03:45,882
Assuming father is still the
appropriate designation.
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What-what are you doing?
90
00:03:47,824 --> 00:03:49,466
Waiting for the laugh to die down.
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I'm here because I've decided
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to become the woman I am inside.
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Can you find it in your
heart to accept me?
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00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:59,040
Oh, Dad, science has moved so far past
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binary gender construction.
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And if being a woman
makes you happy,
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then in the words of Mr. Spock,
"It's only logical."
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00:04:06,336 --> 00:04:08,125
Wow, I couldn't follow any of that,
99
00:04:08,192 --> 00:04:10,106
but look how smart your audience is.
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Ha-ha.
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00:04:17,529 --> 00:04:19,387
Louis C.K.? Is that you?
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00:04:19,445 --> 00:04:21,420
Yup. I'm a big fan of yours, Peter.
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00:04:21,502 --> 00:04:24,503
Wow, that's great because if
Louis C.K. likes something,
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00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:26,333
- everyone has to.
- That's right.
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00:04:26,439 --> 00:04:29,433
Well, I'm glad my popularity
has cooled off just enough
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00:04:29,499 --> 00:04:31,302
that you were able to get me to do this.
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Bye, Peter.
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Boy, he's not afraid
to go there, I'm told.
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♪ ♪
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- Norm!
- Norm!
111
00:04:41,293 --> 00:04:43,545
Ative gender roles have
been turned upside down.
112
00:04:43,603 --> 00:04:44,881
Correct, Quagmire.
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00:04:44,939 --> 00:04:47,035
I'm going in for
gender-reassignment surgery.
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00:04:47,209 --> 00:04:49,496
What the hell, Peter?!
First my dad and now you?
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00:04:49,617 --> 00:04:51,554
Am-am I... is it... am I
doing this to people?
116
00:04:51,612 --> 00:04:53,812
Is it... do you guys feel like
cutting off your penises?
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00:04:53,939 --> 00:04:58,029
No, but I can turn it inside out
like rolling up a dress sock.
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00:04:58,175 --> 00:04:59,910
You guys aren't supporting my choice?
119
00:04:59,977 --> 00:05:01,312
Well, what do you expect, Peter?
120
00:05:01,379 --> 00:05:02,962
I-I mean a sex change operation?
121
00:05:03,029 --> 00:05:04,147
Why are you doing this?
122
00:05:04,214 --> 00:05:06,149
I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this.
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For me.
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M-E. M-E.
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00:05:09,922 --> 00:05:12,369
I'm doing it for M-E.
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00:05:17,369 --> 00:05:19,539
Ew. I mean, yay!
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00:05:25,608 --> 00:05:29,506
Man or woman, I'm a big fat joke.
128
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No one takes me seriously.
129
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:32,988
I do, Dad.
130
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:37,810
You've inspired me to nakedly
eat this cake in a weird place.
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Thanks to you, I now believe in me.
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00:05:40,750 --> 00:05:41,852
Me.
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M-E.
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00:05:43,554 --> 00:05:45,648
I believe in M-E.
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00:05:46,951 --> 00:05:48,949
Okay, okay, all right.
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Don't want one that bad.
137
00:05:54,568 --> 00:05:56,209
Peter, I'd like to introduce
the surgeon
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00:05:56,267 --> 00:05:58,172
who will perform
your procedure today.
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00:05:58,277 --> 00:06:00,079
Dr. Wang Gon.
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00:06:00,372 --> 00:06:03,352
Wow, I can't believe all you
guys came out to support me.
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00:06:03,475 --> 00:06:05,974
You guys aren't just the
best friends I've ever had.
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00:06:06,101 --> 00:06:08,794
You're also the best comedy.
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00:06:08,925 --> 00:06:10,767
- Aw.
- Aw.
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00:06:13,190 --> 00:06:14,316
Great job, everyone.
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If that don't get us the
Emmy, nothing will.
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00:06:16,455 --> 00:06:17,736
Where do you think you're going?
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00:06:17,843 --> 00:06:20,054
Doc, I'm not actually going
through with the operation.
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00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:21,135
I'm going home.
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00:06:21,193 --> 00:06:23,394
We're doing this whether
you like it or not.
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00:06:24,955 --> 00:06:27,094
Doc, no.
Stop him! Somebody help!
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00:06:27,152 --> 00:06:29,087
You want the Emmy,
don't you?
152
00:06:29,206 --> 00:06:31,891
And that is how
I became your mother.
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00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:38,423
♪♪
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00:06:38,527 --> 00:06:39,593
So, the Emmy committee
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00:06:39,651 --> 00:06:41,378
watched our submission
for Best Comedy?
156
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:42,697
Uh-huh.
157
00:06:42,953 --> 00:06:44,456
All right, thank you.
158
00:06:44,770 --> 00:06:47,178
They hated it so much,
they gave us a negative Emmy.
159
00:06:47,236 --> 00:06:48,695
We now owe them an Emmy.
160
00:06:49,656 --> 00:06:50,837
The Emmys aren't fair.
161
00:06:50,895 --> 00:06:53,461
I mean, shows like Nurse
Jackie are basically dramas,
162
00:06:53,525 --> 00:06:55,360
but they get comedy awards
all the time.
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00:06:55,427 --> 00:06:56,794
That's it.
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00:06:56,861 --> 00:06:59,222
We'll sneak into the drama category.
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00:06:59,404 --> 00:07:02,868
That's how we'll win the Emmy with dark,
confusing plot twists
166
00:07:02,935 --> 00:07:04,521
like on Homeland or Mad Men.
167
00:07:04,579 --> 00:07:06,277
Ooh, or Breaking Bad.
168
00:07:06,335 --> 00:07:08,072
Or Mr. Robot Chicken.
169
00:07:08,139 --> 00:07:09,845
No, Chris, it's Mr. Robot.
170
00:07:09,903 --> 00:07:11,716
- Chicken.
- Mr. Robot.
171
00:07:11,774 --> 00:07:13,765
- Chicken!
- No, no, Chris, you see,
172
00:07:13,823 --> 00:07:16,128
Mr. Robot is a critically
acclaimed show.
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00:07:16,267 --> 00:07:19,954
Robot Chicken is something
kids used to watch in 2006.
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00:07:20,034 --> 00:07:21,953
It's basically four minutes of nonsense
175
00:07:22,020 --> 00:07:25,221
on at 1:00 in the morning
breaking up personal injury ads.
176
00:07:25,924 --> 00:07:27,125
Chicken.
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00:07:42,737 --> 00:07:44,775
Please, don't.
178
00:07:45,742 --> 00:07:48,003
Why... won't...
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00:07:48,246 --> 00:07:50,713
you... die?!
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00:07:56,474 --> 00:07:57,815
Shh.
181
00:07:57,923 --> 00:07:59,490
Shh, that's right.
182
00:07:59,557 --> 00:08:00,795
I'm your dad.
183
00:08:00,879 --> 00:08:02,939
Your gentle, suburban dad.
184
00:08:03,064 --> 00:08:05,144
Oh, what a twist. Shh.
185
00:08:05,249 --> 00:08:06,451
Hey, Dad.
186
00:08:06,509 --> 00:08:08,113
Sure must be tough having a son
187
00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:10,345
with goofy noodle legs like mine.
188
00:08:10,403 --> 00:08:11,738
Chris, I love you
189
00:08:11,796 --> 00:08:13,748
no matter how useless you
are in a paddleboat.
190
00:08:18,497 --> 00:08:20,344
Peter, those crows keep getting in.
191
00:08:20,411 --> 00:08:22,318
This whole house is falling apart.
192
00:08:22,378 --> 00:08:25,781
It's okay, my long-suffering,
quietly dissatisfied wife.
193
00:08:25,918 --> 00:08:27,227
We'll get everything repaired.
194
00:08:27,285 --> 00:08:28,934
How? We can't afford it.
195
00:08:28,992 --> 00:08:30,645
We have to pay
for Chris's doctor bills
196
00:08:30,789 --> 00:08:33,274
and meds for our daughter in the CIA.
197
00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:37,921
Damn, she's good at her job.
198
00:08:38,036 --> 00:08:39,873
How are we ever gonna
pay all these bills
199
00:08:39,931 --> 00:08:41,857
that have been perfectly
ripped across the top
200
00:08:41,915 --> 00:08:43,950
so the words "past due" are visible?
201
00:08:44,008 --> 00:08:45,212
Oh, I just thank God
202
00:08:45,270 --> 00:08:47,381
there's no devastating
turn of events going on
203
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:49,140
that I don't know about.
204
00:08:53,259 --> 00:08:55,734
- You have cancer.
- How long do I have to live?
205
00:08:55,792 --> 00:08:56,879
One week.
206
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,864
While I give the rest of your diagnosis,
207
00:08:58,922 --> 00:09:00,840
I'm going to gradually
talk quieter,
208
00:09:00,898 --> 00:09:02,270
as if I'm growing distant
209
00:09:02,328 --> 00:09:04,951
to show how overwhelmed
you are by this news.
210
00:09:25,926 --> 00:09:27,478
Yo, you five-o?
211
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:29,307
No, I'm 87.
212
00:09:29,365 --> 00:09:30,930
But how flattering.
213
00:09:31,002 --> 00:09:33,536
Now, get me drugs,
scummy drug dealer.
214
00:09:33,633 --> 00:09:36,482
You got it,
mayor of our city.
215
00:09:38,835 --> 00:09:41,993
Mm. I wonder which of us
is the bigger criminal.
216
00:09:42,051 --> 00:09:43,117
Oh, that's easy. You are.
217
00:09:43,175 --> 00:09:44,741
Hey, can you teach me to sell drugs?
218
00:09:44,799 --> 00:09:47,474
Hold up. Are you wearing a The Wire?
219
00:09:47,532 --> 00:09:49,734
No. I need money for sympathetic reasons
220
00:09:49,801 --> 00:09:51,703
and I have no other option than crime.
221
00:09:51,770 --> 00:09:54,669
I mean, I could sell stuff
on eBay, but... shipping.
222
00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:57,362
Well, I am pulling a
heist at a meth lab.
223
00:09:57,458 --> 00:09:59,242
I suppose I could use the help.
224
00:09:59,309 --> 00:10:00,967
Great! You won't regret this.
225
00:10:01,034 --> 00:10:02,401
When it comes to selling drugs,
226
00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:03,656
you and me will be a better team
227
00:10:03,714 --> 00:10:05,823
than the old lady's
eyeballs on Downton Abbey.
228
00:10:06,016 --> 00:10:09,087
I'm looking way over in this direction.
229
00:10:09,154 --> 00:10:12,442
And I'm looking way over here.
230
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:16,010
That way we can see all
the awards flying at us.
231
00:10:16,098 --> 00:10:18,095
Here comes one now.
232
00:10:18,830 --> 00:10:20,728
Best Cutaway.
233
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:23,177
♪♪ "Downton abbey: The suite"
by john lunn playing...
234
00:10:23,234 --> 00:10:26,870
♪♪
235
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,899
Remember,
kill anything that moves.
236
00:10:32,957 --> 00:10:34,912
- Even a kid?
- Especially a kid.
237
00:10:34,979 --> 00:10:38,168
You got to kill a kid at least
once a season to make people go,
238
00:10:38,232 --> 00:10:40,351
"Oh, I can't believe they killed a kid."
239
00:10:40,418 --> 00:10:42,085
Let's go.
240
00:10:48,203 --> 00:10:49,394
Wait, we did this already.
241
00:10:49,538 --> 00:10:50,609
G-Go back.
242
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,085
Or-Or forward?
243
00:10:52,176 --> 00:10:53,429
I'm-I'm lost.
244
00:10:55,313 --> 00:10:58,577
♪♪
245
00:10:58,848 --> 00:11:02,446
♪♪
246
00:11:10,813 --> 00:11:12,300
I'll get help!
247
00:11:19,156 --> 00:11:21,792
Brian, call off
this drone strike,
248
00:11:21,864 --> 00:11:22,920
Dad needs us.
249
00:11:22,978 --> 00:11:25,249
Damn it, Meg, we're about to
take out the head of ISIS!
250
00:11:25,307 --> 00:11:26,809
Hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
251
00:11:26,867 --> 00:11:28,703
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
252
00:11:28,761 --> 00:11:31,028
- Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo!
- Okay, you've made your point.
253
00:11:31,086 --> 00:11:33,179
You're lucky
you're so good at your job.
254
00:11:33,647 --> 00:11:35,100
Wha...?
255
00:11:59,609 --> 00:12:01,773
That was badass how it went
from the guy burning up
256
00:12:01,831 --> 00:12:03,944
to the barbecue, right?
Best Director.
257
00:12:04,103 --> 00:12:06,138
Hey, Peter, I was thinking
about this Emmy thing.
258
00:12:06,236 --> 00:12:08,540
What's the most acclaimed
drama of all time?
259
00:12:08,607 --> 00:12:09,807
- The Sopranos.
- Right.
260
00:12:09,874 --> 00:12:11,315
And
what's the most memorable moment
261
00:12:11,373 --> 00:12:14,163
- in the history of that show?
- Well, I'd have to say...
262
00:12:15,964 --> 00:12:19,756
♪ ♪
263
00:12:27,704 --> 00:12:29,715
Nice briefcase full of cash.
264
00:12:31,204 --> 00:12:33,563
Where'd you get the money for
a briefcase like that, Peter?
265
00:12:33,630 --> 00:12:34,731
I want in.
266
00:12:34,789 --> 00:12:38,406
I need the money to pay off my
mysterious boss, Mr. Robot.
267
00:12:38,464 --> 00:12:39,539
Chicken!
268
00:12:39,702 --> 00:12:41,156
Chris, get back in the house!
269
00:12:42,741 --> 00:12:44,209
My whole plan,
270
00:12:44,276 --> 00:12:47,387
fallin' apart like a...
House of Cards.
271
00:12:47,613 --> 00:12:49,446
You know, growing up in Gaffney,
272
00:12:49,547 --> 00:12:52,115
my daddy always said,
"Turn the other cheek."
273
00:12:52,408 --> 00:12:54,018
Kevin Spacey always said,
274
00:12:54,126 --> 00:12:56,953
"I was just walkin' my dog
in that park at 3:00 a.m."
275
00:12:57,121 --> 00:12:58,677
I don't trust either one of 'em.
276
00:12:58,957 --> 00:13:01,497
I suppose it's time to
tell my wife the truth.
277
00:13:01,765 --> 00:13:03,142
Like a man.
278
00:13:05,098 --> 00:13:07,846
And then, I
sold all the drugs...
279
00:13:08,275 --> 00:13:11,203
'cause the doctor said
I had the cancer...
280
00:13:11,270 --> 00:13:12,629
and I killed the guys,
281
00:13:12,687 --> 00:13:15,188
and Joe took all the mon...
the money!
282
00:13:17,575 --> 00:13:19,255
I see.
283
00:13:20,987 --> 00:13:22,901
Are... are you leavin' me?
284
00:13:22,973 --> 00:13:24,101
No, Peter.
285
00:13:24,159 --> 00:13:26,231
I'm helping you kill that cop.
286
00:13:26,771 --> 00:13:30,074
Because I'm darker than you and
the audience ever thought!
287
00:13:30,273 --> 00:13:31,641
What a twist.
288
00:13:31,757 --> 00:13:35,025
For five long years,
orange was my new black.
289
00:13:37,529 --> 00:13:39,664
Peter,
I don't care if it's drug money.
290
00:13:39,747 --> 00:13:41,448
I have grown accustomed
to Hulu Plus.
291
00:13:41,532 --> 00:13:44,035
If you think I'm going back to
regular Hulu, you're crazy!
292
00:13:44,102 --> 00:13:45,522
We don't even watch that
much Hulu.
293
00:13:45,587 --> 00:13:47,452
I still want it just in case!
294
00:13:47,611 --> 00:13:50,107
Now take off all your clothes
so we don't get blood on 'em...
295
00:13:50,174 --> 00:13:52,536
when we kill that cop in the desert.
296
00:13:52,774 --> 00:13:55,747
Oh, the beginning all makes sense now.
297
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,744
_
298
00:13:58,811 --> 00:14:00,948
_
299
00:14:06,895 --> 00:14:12,050
Why... won't... you... die?!
300
00:14:15,776 --> 00:14:19,191
♪ ♪
301
00:14:38,223 --> 00:14:40,542
♪ ♪
302
00:14:42,319 --> 00:14:43,537
Whoa!
303
00:14:43,595 --> 00:14:45,431
I did not see that coming.
304
00:14:45,489 --> 00:14:47,092
One more. Let's watch one more.
305
00:14:47,164 --> 00:14:48,465
Well, hold on.
306
00:14:48,532 --> 00:14:49,834
Like all television viewers,
307
00:14:49,901 --> 00:14:51,501
our first priority before deciding
308
00:14:51,568 --> 00:14:52,838
to continue watching a show
309
00:14:52,905 --> 00:14:55,171
should be whether or not it
features enough diversity.
310
00:14:55,298 --> 00:14:57,040
I felt very well-represented.
311
00:14:57,099 --> 00:14:58,699
Aw, I'm glad, honey.
312
00:14:58,834 --> 00:14:59,977
Mmm.
313
00:15:00,077 --> 00:15:02,464
Hey, thanks for letting
me come over, you guys.
314
00:15:11,339 --> 00:15:12,824
Telegram for Mr. Griffin.
315
00:15:12,882 --> 00:15:14,182
Thank you,
someone's nephew.
316
00:15:14,307 --> 00:15:15,617
Would you mind reading it out loud
317
00:15:15,674 --> 00:15:17,309
for maximum old-timey effect?
318
00:15:17,376 --> 00:15:19,999
"To P. Griffin, from the
Emmy Board of Governors.
319
00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,602
Dear Mr. Griffin, stop.
320
00:15:21,686 --> 00:15:24,139
We understand you've been
attempting to win an Emmy, stop.
321
00:15:24,281 --> 00:15:26,116
- Stop, stop."
- Is that all?
322
00:15:26,174 --> 00:15:27,886
No, there's another
from Fleetwood Mac.
323
00:15:28,030 --> 00:15:30,399
"Don't stop, stop.
Thinking about tomorrow, stop."
324
00:15:30,518 --> 00:15:31,835
And here's one
from The Supremes.
325
00:15:31,892 --> 00:15:33,652
"Stop, stop.
In the name of love, stop."
326
00:15:33,719 --> 00:15:35,952
- Are you finished?
- Are you asking me to stop, stop?
327
00:15:36,055 --> 00:15:37,264
Peter, close the door.
328
00:15:37,941 --> 00:15:39,078
Well, that's it.
329
00:15:39,136 --> 00:15:40,569
We didn't get Best Drama either.
330
00:15:40,628 --> 00:15:43,411
This is hopeless.
We've tried everything.
331
00:15:44,216 --> 00:15:45,906
No, Lois, we haven't.
332
00:15:45,995 --> 00:15:48,989
But that's just what we're
gonna do... Everything!
333
00:15:49,153 --> 00:15:51,851
We're gonna try for every
single Emmy category.
334
00:15:51,975 --> 00:15:54,298
Starting with Best Stunt Performance.
335
00:15:54,878 --> 00:15:56,148
Aah!
336
00:15:56,215 --> 00:15:57,902
Peter,
I don't think that's a category.
337
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,074
Oh, okay.
338
00:15:59,216 --> 00:16:00,623
Best Documentary.
339
00:16:00,911 --> 00:16:02,145
Aah!
340
00:16:02,410 --> 00:16:05,809
♪♪
341
00:16:06,207 --> 00:16:09,766
♪♪
342
00:16:10,354 --> 00:16:12,142
Chris
is playing my dummy nephew.
343
00:16:12,265 --> 00:16:14,684
Our family actually lines
up really well for this.
344
00:16:14,814 --> 00:16:16,648
Best Competitive Reality Show!
345
00:16:16,740 --> 00:16:20,339
♪ ♪
346
00:16:22,792 --> 00:16:24,948
- Peter, you're out.
- I'm off the show?
347
00:16:25,047 --> 00:16:26,507
No, your penis is out.
348
00:16:26,565 --> 00:16:27,863
- You're in.
- I'm in?
349
00:16:27,921 --> 00:16:30,186
No,
urine is running down your leg.
350
00:16:30,441 --> 00:16:33,045
Outstanding Casting
for a Comedy Series!
351
00:16:33,219 --> 00:16:35,731
Okay, so the deal is,
I get girls like you jobs.
352
00:16:35,789 --> 00:16:38,105
The jobs pay $1,000 to $5,000 a day.
353
00:16:38,191 --> 00:16:39,352
I'm recording this interview.
354
00:16:39,426 --> 00:16:41,370
And then I send the
demo tape to producers,
355
00:16:41,461 --> 00:16:42,904
and if they like you,
they're gonna hire you.
356
00:16:42,961 --> 00:16:44,628
Have you done anything like this before?
357
00:16:44,758 --> 00:16:46,892
Never. This is my first time.
358
00:16:46,950 --> 00:16:48,431
All right, now, a lot of
these scenes are gonna be
359
00:16:48,489 --> 00:16:50,065
you interacting
with someone else,
360
00:16:50,155 --> 00:16:51,836
so I'll just come around
and read with you.
361
00:16:51,896 --> 00:16:53,297
Now, since I'm holding the camera,
362
00:16:53,355 --> 00:16:55,330
I'm gonna need some help
with my belt buckle.
363
00:16:56,041 --> 00:16:58,992
And there you have it,
Family Guy reaches a new low
364
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:01,887
as it grovels and begs
for a meaningless award.
365
00:17:01,990 --> 00:17:04,514
I would say they've got about as
much chance of winning an Emmy
366
00:17:04,572 --> 00:17:08,378
as the Republican Party has
of accomplishing something.
367
00:17:10,140 --> 00:17:11,689
Peter, over here.
368
00:17:13,849 --> 00:17:17,146
♪ ♪
369
00:17:17,648 --> 00:17:20,873
Bill Maher? What are you doing
not smirking outside a church?
370
00:17:20,931 --> 00:17:22,390
Uh, yeah, I was just doing that.
371
00:17:22,502 --> 00:17:24,631
Uh, look, Peter,
I'm here for two reasons:
372
00:17:24,689 --> 00:17:27,602
first, to find out who that
Asian girl was on the couch,
373
00:17:27,724 --> 00:17:29,259
and second, to tell you that
374
00:17:29,350 --> 00:17:33,088
Family Guy will never,
ever win an Emmy.
375
00:17:33,179 --> 00:17:34,589
Okay, first of all,
that was Asa Akira.
376
00:17:34,646 --> 00:17:35,915
I think you knew that.
377
00:17:35,982 --> 00:17:38,650
Second, are you sayin' there's
a conspiracy against us?
378
00:17:38,804 --> 00:17:40,690
Follow the Emmy.
379
00:17:43,083 --> 00:17:46,406
♪ ♪
380
00:17:46,463 --> 00:17:48,974
♪♪
381
00:17:55,888 --> 00:17:57,285
It's back this way.
382
00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,922
And who was that Asian
girl on the couch?
383
00:18:00,097 --> 00:18:01,885
I think you knew who that was.
384
00:18:20,309 --> 00:18:21,827
To convey this moment of shock
385
00:18:21,894 --> 00:18:23,766
at the depth of the
conspiracy around me,
386
00:18:23,824 --> 00:18:27,028
here's Ryan O'Neal in the
movie Tough Guys Don't Dance.
387
00:18:27,104 --> 00:18:29,169
- ♪♪ Dramatic Music Plays...
- Oh, man.
388
00:18:29,227 --> 00:18:31,053
Oh, God. Oh, man.
389
00:18:31,290 --> 00:18:32,546
Oh, God.
390
00:18:32,604 --> 00:18:33,710
Oh, man.
391
00:18:33,768 --> 00:18:35,609
Oh, God. Oh, man.
392
00:18:35,676 --> 00:18:38,377
Oh, God. Oh, man. Oh, God!
393
00:18:43,411 --> 00:18:44,549
Peter, there you are.
394
00:18:44,607 --> 00:18:45,975
I've been calling you all night.
395
00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,281
Where the hell have you been?
396
00:18:47,339 --> 00:18:48,338
No time to explain.
397
00:18:48,396 --> 00:18:49,996
This Emmy thing goes deep.
398
00:18:50,077 --> 00:18:52,541
The same people win year
after year after year.
399
00:18:52,624 --> 00:18:55,094
It's like there's some
kind of secret society
400
00:18:55,161 --> 00:18:57,596
that takes all the awards and
is keepin' us from getting one.
401
00:18:57,663 --> 00:18:59,851
Yeah, I know.
They're all here to see you.
402
00:19:00,930 --> 00:19:02,194
Hello, Peter.
403
00:19:02,602 --> 00:19:03,836
The Michelin Man?
404
00:19:03,894 --> 00:19:05,006
You're part of this?
405
00:19:05,033 --> 00:19:08,161
No, I'm two-time
Emmy-winner Alec Baldwin.
406
00:19:08,294 --> 00:19:10,370
Peter,
stop snooping around the Emmys.
407
00:19:10,477 --> 00:19:12,522
Yeah, butt out.
It's none of your business.
408
00:19:12,579 --> 00:19:14,360
Well, why not,
Julie Bowen?
409
00:19:14,511 --> 00:19:16,435
Huge fan, by the way.
Just huge.
410
00:19:16,493 --> 00:19:17,647
What are you hiding?
411
00:19:17,705 --> 00:19:19,226
What's the big, secret reason
412
00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:20,904
Family Guy can't win an Emmy?
413
00:19:23,373 --> 00:19:25,023
All right, we'll tell you.
414
00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:26,823
Your show sucks.
415
00:19:26,946 --> 00:19:28,970
Peter, I'm famous writer Aaron Sorkin.
416
00:19:29,028 --> 00:19:30,171
Walk and talk with me.
417
00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:31,391
You wouldn't know my work
because
418
00:19:31,448 --> 00:19:33,536
I don't write for Juggs magazine.
419
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,747
Let me explain "writing" to you.
420
00:19:35,844 --> 00:19:37,712
You can't take a scene
from Ferris Bueller,
421
00:19:37,770 --> 00:19:40,266
cross out the name "Ferris,"
and replace it with "Peter."
422
00:19:40,497 --> 00:19:43,734
And the racial stuff on your
show is just embarrassing.
423
00:19:43,801 --> 00:19:46,392
You have people of color
voiced by white actors.
424
00:19:46,497 --> 00:19:48,032
- No!
- Yes!
425
00:19:48,090 --> 00:19:49,591
Hell, I'm Shonda Rhimes,
426
00:19:49,649 --> 00:19:51,818
and I'm being voiced by a white actor.
427
00:19:51,915 --> 00:19:53,116
And worst of all,
428
00:19:53,174 --> 00:19:55,679
you take this big pile of garbage,
429
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:59,396
and you tie it all up by having
everyone sit around saying,
430
00:19:59,454 --> 00:20:01,326
"At least everything's back to normal,"
431
00:20:01,393 --> 00:20:03,161
as if something happened.
432
00:20:03,228 --> 00:20:04,697
When nothing happened!
433
00:20:04,825 --> 00:20:07,690
It was a complete waste
of everyone's time!
434
00:20:07,966 --> 00:20:10,153
♪♪ Sad music plays...
435
00:20:10,210 --> 00:20:13,183
♪♪
436
00:20:14,356 --> 00:20:16,675
Well, I'm glad all this
Emmy nonsense is over
437
00:20:16,733 --> 00:20:18,259
and things are back to normal.
438
00:20:18,323 --> 00:20:19,345
Yeah, me, too.
439
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:20,762
You know,
I may not get Emmys,
440
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:24,281
but I do get the best award
of all... My family.
441
00:20:24,519 --> 00:20:26,260
And this e-mail from a young fan.
442
00:20:26,430 --> 00:20:28,214
"Dear sir, your show helped me
443
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:30,313
when I was going through
chemotherapy."
444
00:20:30,382 --> 00:20:31,401
Aw.
445
00:20:31,524 --> 00:20:34,560
"My favorite episode was when
Homer stays home from church..."
446
00:20:34,627 --> 00:20:36,223
Ah, damn it, he thinks
we're The Simpsons.
447
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,431
Hey, what do you say, one last try?
448
00:20:38,489 --> 00:20:39,538
Why not?
449
00:20:39,596 --> 00:20:40,690
Ladies and gentlemen,
450
00:20:40,748 --> 00:20:44,102
please enjoy this spectacular,
live-action chicken fight,
451
00:20:44,236 --> 00:20:45,661
starring Ty Burrell.
452
00:20:45,763 --> 00:20:46,947
Good night!
453
00:20:49,108 --> 00:20:52,123
Shh. Shh.
454
00:20:55,572 --> 00:20:57,478
I don't have any more room
in my house.
455
00:20:59,669 --> 00:21:02,747
♪♪
456
00:21:02,804 --> 00:21:05,751
♪♪
457
00:21:25,688 --> 00:21:29,069
♪♪