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00:00:00,823 --> 00:00:04,861
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,978 --> 00:00:08,127
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,213 --> 00:00:11,799
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,901 --> 00:00:14,933
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:18,137
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,199 --> 00:00:21,518
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,585 --> 00:00:23,183
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,250 --> 00:00:24,715
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,809 --> 00:00:31,040
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
*FAMILY GUY*
Season 16 Episode 06
Title: "The D in Apartment 23"
10
00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:34,971
♪♪
11
00:00:35,238 --> 00:00:38,238
Thanks for driving me to the
library for story time, Brian.
12
00:00:38,324 --> 00:00:40,610
Today we're reading
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
13
00:00:40,676 --> 00:00:42,176
vs. The Human Centipede.
14
00:00:42,277 --> 00:00:43,807
I heard it's like
Alien vs. Predator
15
00:00:43,874 --> 00:00:45,637
with a little bit more
butt eating.
16
00:00:45,769 --> 00:00:47,949
That does sound fun,
but what if I took you
17
00:00:48,009 --> 00:00:50,180
- to a different library today?
- What?
18
00:00:50,247 --> 00:00:53,262
But I like my library.
I met Curious George there.
19
00:00:53,410 --> 00:00:55,469
Mom said he was a puppet,
but she's stupid.
20
00:00:55,527 --> 00:00:57,227
I'm just saying we should
go to the library
21
00:00:57,285 --> 00:00:58,355
at Quahog University
22
00:00:58,422 --> 00:01:00,321
and take your education
to a higher level.
23
00:01:00,388 --> 00:01:03,124
I guess I can try it.
I mean, I do want to get ahead.
24
00:01:03,191 --> 00:01:06,629
I don't want to end up like Meg,
doing sad one-woman shows.
25
00:01:06,827 --> 00:01:10,497
♪ Oh, I love trash ♪
26
00:01:10,591 --> 00:01:14,729
♪ Anything dirty
or dingy or dusty ♪
27
00:01:14,897 --> 00:01:19,066
♪ Anything ragged or rotten
or rusty ♪
28
00:01:19,427 --> 00:01:23,513
♪ Yes, I love trash... ♪
29
00:01:23,679 --> 00:01:25,005
Whose fault is this?
30
00:01:25,112 --> 00:01:26,912
You're wearing a
garbage bag as a cape.
31
00:01:26,970 --> 00:01:27,989
Who do you think?
32
00:01:28,047 --> 00:01:30,614
- Him?
- Shh. She's crushing it!
33
00:01:39,481 --> 00:01:41,747
Oh, yeah.
That's good library.
34
00:01:41,841 --> 00:01:44,733
Aw, you didn't come here for me;
you came to be a creep.
35
00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:46,203
Whatever.
You go do your thing.
36
00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:48,768
I'm gonna go watch that young
hotshot attorney over there
37
00:01:48,835 --> 00:01:50,716
who's clearly in the middle
of a movie montage.
38
00:01:50,816 --> 00:01:54,456
♪♪ upbeat soundtrack plays...
39
00:01:54,732 --> 00:01:57,825
♪♪
40
00:02:02,566 --> 00:02:05,436
Oh! He found it.
He's gonna win the case.
41
00:02:08,018 --> 00:02:10,106
Oh, no. It was a '70s movie.
42
00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:12,169
♪♪ Somber soundtrack plays...
43
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,240
♪♪
44
00:02:21,239 --> 00:02:23,028
- So, who you reading?
- George Eliot.
45
00:02:23,122 --> 00:02:24,598
Ah, Georgie.
46
00:02:24,669 --> 00:02:25,712
I'm a big fan.
47
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:26,950
- I think he, uh...
- She.
48
00:02:27,008 --> 00:02:29,153
..she said it best
when she said...
49
00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:31,841
"Bantam Press, 1851."
50
00:02:33,731 --> 00:02:35,227
- Lumineers?
- What?
51
00:02:35,285 --> 00:02:36,591
- Hmm?
- You just said...
52
00:02:36,649 --> 00:02:38,267
.. "Lumineers" with no context.
53
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:40,221
Did I do that?
54
00:02:40,288 --> 00:02:41,592
Ugh!
55
00:02:42,758 --> 00:02:44,145
Tumblr?
56
00:02:44,202 --> 00:02:46,645
♪♪
57
00:02:46,836 --> 00:02:50,637
Wow, I've never seen someone go
oh for six in 15 minutes before.
58
00:02:50,790 --> 00:02:53,880
Just hard rejection
after hard rejection.
59
00:02:56,202 --> 00:02:58,692
- What's going on over there?
- Looks like a student rally.
60
00:02:58,817 --> 00:03:00,570
They probably forgot
to study for an exam,
61
00:03:00,628 --> 00:03:02,144
so they organized
a protest.
62
00:03:02,211 --> 00:03:04,078
In the '90s, you'd
just pull a fire alarm...
63
00:03:04,145 --> 00:03:05,268
now you hold a protest.
64
00:03:05,326 --> 00:03:08,549
That is, when they're not
looking down at their phones.
65
00:03:12,362 --> 00:03:13,606
Hey, what's going on?
66
00:03:13,664 --> 00:03:15,913
Someone wrote "weird" on
the transgender bathroom,
67
00:03:15,971 --> 00:03:17,737
and the school president
didn't overreact,
68
00:03:17,795 --> 00:03:19,338
so we want him fired!
69
00:03:19,479 --> 00:03:20,695
Seems reasonable.
70
00:03:20,762 --> 00:03:21,838
Exactly!
71
00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,263
Oh, I see
news cameras.
72
00:03:23,330 --> 00:03:27,237
I'm gonna yell "Viva la Stool"
like a young, white drunkard.
73
00:03:27,624 --> 00:03:30,284
And last week, a professor told
his class to have a nice day,
74
00:03:30,342 --> 00:03:31,601
which is microaggression,
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00:03:31,659 --> 00:03:33,351
because in our
systemic rape culture
76
00:03:33,409 --> 00:03:34,810
no day is a nice day.
77
00:03:34,877 --> 00:03:36,686
So we want him fired, too.
78
00:03:36,765 --> 00:03:38,511
Hey,
if you don't want to get fired,
79
00:03:38,569 --> 00:03:40,358
- don't become a teacher, right?
- Totally.
80
00:03:40,416 --> 00:03:42,622
You should tweet that.
#FireEveryone.
81
00:03:42,783 --> 00:03:44,119
Viva la Stool!
82
00:03:44,186 --> 00:03:46,804
Well, I guess I could
fire up my account again.
83
00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:48,424
All right, open app.
84
00:03:48,531 --> 00:03:50,223
Got a bunch of those.
No biggie.
85
00:03:50,390 --> 00:03:51,594
Typing tweet.
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00:03:51,661 --> 00:03:53,126
Blast off in three,
87
00:03:53,193 --> 00:03:54,664
two, one,
88
00:03:54,731 --> 00:03:56,437
and tweeted.
89
00:03:56,554 --> 00:03:58,898
I am back in the game. See?
90
00:03:59,297 --> 00:04:00,507
Oop, you're gone.
91
00:04:00,678 --> 00:04:02,265
And the crowd is gone.
92
00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:04,125
And the animators are gone.
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00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:08,328
♪♪
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00:04:09,164 --> 00:04:11,059
Hey, Stewie, what do you
think about this tweet?
95
00:04:11,117 --> 00:04:12,480
Oh, don't be that guy.
96
00:04:12,547 --> 00:04:14,554
"Kelly Ripa
no-shows at work."
97
00:04:14,687 --> 00:04:17,297
Who does she think she is,
a Republican senator?
98
00:04:17,531 --> 00:04:19,726
#G-O-P-U.
99
00:04:19,843 --> 00:04:22,199
Three references in one
tweet. I'm sweating.
100
00:04:22,257 --> 00:04:23,984
I'll just add it
to my notes for later.
101
00:04:24,068 --> 00:04:25,699
Why are you
getting into Twitter now?
102
00:04:25,759 --> 00:04:28,562
Unless you're an athlete
or a celebrity, no one cares.
103
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,281
A lot of people
like my stuff.
104
00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:33,114
Oh, yeah? Someone needs
to tell Donald Trump
105
00:04:33,172 --> 00:04:34,261
it's not fashionable
106
00:04:34,319 --> 00:04:36,252
to wear orange on your
face after Labor Day.
107
00:04:36,471 --> 00:04:38,234
#OompaTrumpa.
108
00:04:38,328 --> 00:04:40,226
Zero retweets.
Zero likes.
109
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:41,752
- Yeah, viral.
- You know, I don't care.
110
00:04:41,809 --> 00:04:43,453
You can't stop me.
Just like people
111
00:04:43,511 --> 00:04:45,539
can't stop Peter
from ordering shepherd's pie.
112
00:04:45,954 --> 00:04:47,692
And what can I get
for you, sir?
113
00:04:47,790 --> 00:04:48,988
I'll have the
shepherd's pie.
114
00:04:49,086 --> 00:04:50,923
I'm sorry, but that's
not on the menu.
115
00:04:51,053 --> 00:04:52,685
- Well, do you have potatoes?
- Yes.
116
00:04:52,752 --> 00:04:53,754
- Butter?
- Yes.
117
00:04:53,821 --> 00:04:54,825
- Cream?
- Yes.
118
00:04:54,883 --> 00:04:55,884
- Salt?
- Yes.
119
00:04:55,942 --> 00:04:56,915
- Pepper?
- Yes.
120
00:04:56,973 --> 00:04:57,946
- Garlic?
- Yes.
121
00:04:58,004 --> 00:04:58,925
- Onions?
- Yes.
122
00:04:58,992 --> 00:04:59,995
- Lamb?
- Yes.
123
00:05:00,062 --> 00:05:01,127
- Carrots?
- Yes.
124
00:05:01,194 --> 00:05:02,164
- Eggs?
- Yes.
125
00:05:02,231 --> 00:05:03,233
- Flour?
- Yes.
126
00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,365
- Rosemary?
- Yes.
127
00:05:04,432 --> 00:05:05,368
- Thyme?
- Yes.
128
00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:06,466
- Chicken broth?
- Yes.
129
00:05:06,533 --> 00:05:07,534
- Corn?
- Yes.
130
00:05:07,601 --> 00:05:08,601
- Peas?
- Yes.
131
00:05:08,668 --> 00:05:09,958
Lightsaber?
132
00:05:10,632 --> 00:05:13,570
Remember when we did Star Wars?
133
00:05:19,877 --> 00:05:22,580
Better get a tweet out before
I go dark for a few hours.
134
00:05:23,986 --> 00:05:26,557
About to see
the new Kevin Hart movie.
135
00:05:26,728 --> 00:05:29,290
Just kidding.
I'm white and went to college.
136
00:05:29,357 --> 00:05:31,595
#BaywatchMovie.
137
00:05:50,279 --> 00:05:52,579
♪♪ Baywatch theme
"I'll Be There" playing...
138
00:05:52,646 --> 00:05:56,114
♪ Some people stand
in the darkness ♪
139
00:05:56,200 --> 00:06:00,482
♪ Afraid to step
into the light ♪
140
00:06:00,583 --> 00:06:04,435
♪ Some people need
to have somebody ♪
141
00:06:04,513 --> 00:06:07,661
♪ When the edge
of surrender's in sight ♪
142
00:06:07,786 --> 00:06:10,733
♪ Don't you worry ♪
143
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,304
♪ It's gonna be all right ♪
144
00:06:13,361 --> 00:06:15,997
♪♪
145
00:06:16,180 --> 00:06:18,280
♪ 'Cause I'm always ready ♪
146
00:06:18,338 --> 00:06:21,375
♪ I won't let you
out of my sight. ♪
147
00:06:27,164 --> 00:06:30,880
♪♪
148
00:06:32,513 --> 00:06:34,205
Wow, I haven't seen
that much camel toe
149
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:35,654
since the Arab Spring.
150
00:06:35,874 --> 00:06:38,505
#ThinkinglnTweets.
151
00:06:40,348 --> 00:06:41,551
Nah.
152
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,637
Hey, are you @dogbackwards
from Twitter?
153
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:46,503
I am. Are-are you a fan?
154
00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:47,927
You racist jerk!
155
00:06:47,994 --> 00:06:50,380
I hope you get
foot-and-mouth disease!
156
00:06:50,590 --> 00:06:52,161
What the hell was that?
157
00:06:52,584 --> 00:06:55,091
Uh-oh.
158
00:06:58,774 --> 00:07:01,133
Wow, you are blowing up!
159
00:07:01,198 --> 00:07:02,669
Blowing up bad.
160
00:07:02,799 --> 00:07:05,264
Ah, look at that... Huffington
Post just picked it up.
161
00:07:05,322 --> 00:07:06,454
Buckle up, buddy.
162
00:07:11,177 --> 00:07:13,313
- There he is!
- Where? I'm in the back.
163
00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:18,274
♪♪
164
00:07:22,672 --> 00:07:25,086
Hey, how was Baywatch?
I want to see that bad.
165
00:07:25,165 --> 00:07:27,075
What were you thinking,
writing that tweet?
166
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:28,458
What? It was just a joke.
167
00:07:28,525 --> 00:07:31,427
Brian, it's not 2005...
you can't just go online
168
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:32,831
and say whatever
you want.
169
00:07:32,890 --> 00:07:35,403
Yeah, remember how mad
people got when DiGiorno tweeted
170
00:07:35,461 --> 00:07:36,802
about domestic violence?
171
00:07:36,869 --> 00:07:38,914
And they're not even a guy.
They're pizza.
172
00:07:39,024 --> 00:07:40,957
All right, all right,
I'll delete the tweet.
173
00:07:41,015 --> 00:07:42,732
You haven't
deleted it yet?
174
00:07:43,185 --> 00:07:44,748
What a train wreck!
175
00:07:46,988 --> 00:07:47,988
There. Done. Done.
176
00:07:48,095 --> 00:07:49,526
See? It's done. It's gone.
177
00:07:49,584 --> 00:07:51,547
What about all those
people outside?
178
00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:52,868
They'll see that I deleted it,
179
00:07:52,925 --> 00:07:54,469
and it'll all blow over.
Trust me.
180
00:07:54,551 --> 00:07:56,117
I hope so, but
you never know.
181
00:07:56,191 --> 00:07:59,227
They're still pretty mad at me
down at Dick's Sporting Goods.
182
00:07:59,417 --> 00:08:01,149
Um, what's the name
of this place?
183
00:08:01,294 --> 00:08:02,597
Dick's.
184
00:08:02,867 --> 00:08:05,008
A-And what's that say
on your shirt?
185
00:08:05,195 --> 00:08:06,429
Dick's.
186
00:08:06,993 --> 00:08:09,617
Can I have two balls...
and a helmet?
187
00:08:09,735 --> 00:08:11,446
Hey, you're the guy
from the phone.
188
00:08:13,032 --> 00:08:14,125
Start the car, Chris!
189
00:08:14,183 --> 00:08:16,438
- Did you get him, Dad?
- We got him!
190
00:08:20,611 --> 00:08:22,797
Hey, Sid.
Happy Mango Monday.
191
00:08:22,916 --> 00:08:23,985
Hmm.
192
00:08:24,043 --> 00:08:26,688
Hmm. Those nighttime
information technology classes
193
00:08:26,783 --> 00:08:28,641
must really be getting to Sid.
194
00:08:28,750 --> 00:08:29,805
Hey, Curt.
195
00:08:29,863 --> 00:08:30,892
Hmm.
196
00:08:30,950 --> 00:08:32,719
Curt? Come on, it's me,
197
00:08:32,803 --> 00:08:34,422
Lunchtime Lois.
198
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,113
Gil, help me out here.
199
00:08:36,171 --> 00:08:37,266
Hmm!
200
00:08:37,324 --> 00:08:40,272
Gil, no! Uh, what about Barbara?
Is she back there?
201
00:08:40,330 --> 00:08:41,935
She can clear this up.
202
00:08:41,993 --> 00:08:43,309
Let me talk to Barbara.
203
00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:44,946
She doesn't want
to talk to you, either.
204
00:08:45,004 --> 00:08:46,054
Nobody does...
205
00:08:46,128 --> 00:08:48,383
not as long as you're
living with that racist dog.
206
00:08:48,571 --> 00:08:49,742
Oh, come on!
207
00:08:49,836 --> 00:08:51,438
It was just a bad joke.
208
00:08:51,578 --> 00:08:52,688
Where's Stanley?
209
00:08:52,789 --> 00:08:54,657
He'll vouch for me.
Let me talk to Stanley.
210
00:08:54,715 --> 00:08:57,383
Or Henry. Somebody
help me out here.
211
00:08:57,588 --> 00:08:59,158
- Chip?
- Hmm!
212
00:08:59,225 --> 00:09:00,791
- Karen?
- Hmm!
213
00:09:00,850 --> 00:09:02,253
- JJ?
- Hmm.
214
00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:03,923
- Angela?
- Hmm.
215
00:09:03,990 --> 00:09:05,187
- Tito?
- Hmm!
216
00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:06,914
- Larry?
- Hmm!
217
00:09:07,211 --> 00:09:08,974
You can't freeze me out
like this.
218
00:09:09,032 --> 00:09:10,727
We're on a first-name basis!
219
00:09:10,785 --> 00:09:12,721
They're on our
name tags, Lois.
220
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,934
But I don't even have to look!
221
00:09:15,411 --> 00:09:19,219
I don't even have to look!
222
00:09:24,797 --> 00:09:26,969
Hey, how come no one told me
we were going to the Clam?
223
00:09:27,028 --> 00:09:28,460
Hey, Jerome,
give me a beer.
224
00:09:28,558 --> 00:09:30,695
Oh, why? 'Cause I'm,
like, your slave?
225
00:09:30,793 --> 00:09:33,407
Man, you're no better
than your racist dog.
226
00:09:33,474 --> 00:09:34,596
Come on, man.
227
00:09:34,654 --> 00:09:36,552
B-Brian was
just making a joke.
228
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,133
I told you about Brian.
I told you.
229
00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:40,742
Come on, he deleted
his tweet.
230
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,770
But the hurt has been RT'd
in our hearts.
231
00:09:43,828 --> 00:09:45,394
Peter, you better
get out of here
232
00:09:45,461 --> 00:09:47,516
before I start
saying "sir" like a cop.
233
00:09:47,574 --> 00:09:49,528
- Come on, Joe, I...
- Sir? Sir?
234
00:09:49,586 --> 00:09:50,727
You've been asked
to leave.
235
00:09:50,785 --> 00:09:52,484
- Joe, it's me, Peter. I...
- Sir.
236
00:09:52,542 --> 00:09:54,613
I don't want to have
to ask you again.
237
00:09:54,703 --> 00:09:56,581
- Please leave.
- All right, fine.
238
00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:57,809
- Sir!
- No, Joe, Joe.
239
00:09:57,876 --> 00:09:58,908
- He's leaving.
- Sir!
240
00:09:58,975 --> 00:10:00,009
- Joe, Joe...
- Sir!
241
00:10:00,076 --> 00:10:01,184
- He's gone.
- Sir.
242
00:10:01,242 --> 00:10:02,694
- It's okay.
- Sir.
243
00:10:02,752 --> 00:10:03,944
He's gone.
244
00:10:04,585 --> 00:10:07,428
♪♪
245
00:10:09,663 --> 00:10:12,084
♪♪
246
00:10:12,475 --> 00:10:14,519
Your dog wrote an
insensitive tweet.
247
00:10:14,577 --> 00:10:15,788
You can't eat here.
248
00:10:15,846 --> 00:10:18,069
Uh-oh, Meg.
It's a sensitivity mob.
249
00:10:18,127 --> 00:10:19,506
It was just a joke.
250
00:10:19,564 --> 00:10:21,629
There's no such thing
as jokes anymore.
251
00:10:21,738 --> 00:10:23,608
Yeah, we live in
a post-joke world.
252
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:25,850
Chris, maybe we
should just eat outside.
253
00:10:25,941 --> 00:10:28,109
No, Meg,
we're eating here.
254
00:10:28,183 --> 00:10:30,202
I'd like to
see you try.
255
00:10:35,381 --> 00:10:38,030
♪♪ "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
playing...
256
00:10:38,242 --> 00:10:41,639
♪♪
257
00:10:46,874 --> 00:10:51,580
♪ I can't change... ♪
258
00:10:54,599 --> 00:10:57,723
♪ Lord, I can't change ♪
259
00:10:57,818 --> 00:11:01,582
♪ Won't you fly high ♪
260
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:04,977
♪ Free bird, yeah... ♪
261
00:11:05,159 --> 00:11:09,058
♪♪
262
00:11:24,195 --> 00:11:27,789
♪♪
263
00:11:54,083 --> 00:11:57,412
It was... a joke.
264
00:12:05,279 --> 00:12:06,950
Can you put on
the Canucks game?
265
00:12:07,008 --> 00:12:08,275
No, go away.
266
00:12:08,901 --> 00:12:10,261
Loser.
267
00:12:10,351 --> 00:12:11,942
This is getting
out of control.
268
00:12:12,008 --> 00:12:14,051
We can't leave the house
without getting harassed.
269
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:16,223
Yeah, yesterday I went outside
to try to get the mail
270
00:12:16,313 --> 00:12:17,484
and I had a seizure.
271
00:12:17,583 --> 00:12:19,309
That may not be
protester-related,
272
00:12:19,367 --> 00:12:21,637
but still, you got to
do something, Brian.
273
00:12:21,695 --> 00:12:22,751
What do you want me to do?
274
00:12:22,809 --> 00:12:24,872
I-I deleted my Twitter
account, my Instagram,
275
00:12:24,930 --> 00:12:26,031
Facebook, everything.
276
00:12:26,137 --> 00:12:27,833
People still won't
leave me alone.
277
00:12:27,891 --> 00:12:29,425
You have to apologize.
278
00:12:29,607 --> 00:12:31,244
Go outside, do it now.
279
00:12:31,358 --> 00:12:33,785
Tell them that it was a
mistake and how sorry you are
280
00:12:33,843 --> 00:12:35,544
and maybe they'll
get off our backs.
281
00:12:35,602 --> 00:12:36,872
Maybe you're right.
282
00:12:37,014 --> 00:12:39,280
I got to face them and
hope they'll forgive me.
283
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,923
Hello.
284
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:47,301
As you all know,
I'm Brian Griffin.
285
00:12:47,359 --> 00:12:48,628
Boo.
286
00:12:48,792 --> 00:12:51,153
Boo, Brian
Griffin. Boo.
287
00:12:51,211 --> 00:12:52,505
I want to read a few words...
288
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:54,028
Boo. Liar.
289
00:12:54,094 --> 00:12:56,880
Boo, Brian Griffin, boo.
290
00:12:57,215 --> 00:12:58,673
Anyway, I-I want to...
291
00:12:58,731 --> 00:13:00,292
Boo.
Apologize somewhere else.
292
00:13:00,356 --> 00:13:04,223
Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.
293
00:13:04,309 --> 00:13:07,197
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm here today to apologize...
294
00:13:07,255 --> 00:13:08,903
Why did you say
"ladies" first?
295
00:13:08,961 --> 00:13:10,098
That's sexist.
296
00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:12,130
It's just, it's just
a-a standard greeting.
297
00:13:12,268 --> 00:13:14,762
Let-let me start over.
Gentlemen and ladies...
298
00:13:14,820 --> 00:13:16,231
Ooh, says the man.
299
00:13:16,289 --> 00:13:19,340
Okay, sorry, I-I...
Um, humans in the audience...
300
00:13:19,432 --> 00:13:21,340
I identify as a basketball.
301
00:13:21,427 --> 00:13:22,809
Humans and basketballs...
302
00:13:22,867 --> 00:13:24,307
I'm a parrot
who mimics words
303
00:13:24,365 --> 00:13:25,633
but doesn't
comprehend them.
304
00:13:25,730 --> 00:13:28,192
Humans, basketballs,
talking parrots,
305
00:13:28,319 --> 00:13:29,965
and-and whatever else
is out there...
306
00:13:30,023 --> 00:13:31,941
"Whatever"? It's whoever.
307
00:13:31,999 --> 00:13:33,802
Actually, it's whomever.
308
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:35,481
No one likes you, Mary.
309
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:36,877
All right, all right, just-just
310
00:13:36,934 --> 00:13:38,051
calm down, okay?
311
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:39,636
Now you're
tone policing us!
312
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,198
That makes me
uncomfortable.
313
00:13:41,289 --> 00:13:44,027
Anything that makes me
uncomfortable in 2017
314
00:13:44,085 --> 00:13:45,320
should be illegal.
315
00:13:45,378 --> 00:13:48,093
- You know what? (bleep) you.
- (all gasp)
316
00:13:48,214 --> 00:13:50,514
I'm not a racist, all right?
I just told a bad joke.
317
00:13:50,706 --> 00:13:51,964
There's a huge difference.
318
00:13:52,022 --> 00:13:53,653
But nobody on the Internet
ever takes the time
319
00:13:53,710 --> 00:13:56,117
to ask themselves, "Is this
worth freaking out over?"
320
00:13:56,175 --> 00:13:59,114
Or, "Are there bigger problems
in the world than this tweet?"
321
00:13:59,251 --> 00:14:00,682
Well, I assure you, there are.
322
00:14:00,749 --> 00:14:03,153
And just for the record,
I love black people.
323
00:14:03,220 --> 00:14:04,648
I watch tons of black porn.
324
00:14:04,721 --> 00:14:06,468
So, what do you all
want from me, huh?
325
00:14:06,526 --> 00:14:07,734
You-you want to ruin my life?
326
00:14:07,832 --> 00:14:09,466
Then congratulations.
You did it.
327
00:14:09,579 --> 00:14:10,601
Everybody hates me.
328
00:14:10,659 --> 00:14:12,765
I can't leave the house
without getting harassed.
329
00:14:12,823 --> 00:14:13,890
No one will hire me.
330
00:14:13,948 --> 00:14:15,157
That was a problem before.
331
00:14:15,214 --> 00:14:17,648
I can't turn on my phone
without strangers telling me
332
00:14:17,706 --> 00:14:19,992
to kill myself or that
they're gonna kill my family.
333
00:14:20,050 --> 00:14:21,207
Leave me alone!
334
00:14:21,265 --> 00:14:23,890
I'm the self-righteous,
liberal douchebag, not you!
335
00:14:23,948 --> 00:14:25,953
I've kissed a
transsexual before!
336
00:14:26,011 --> 00:14:27,289
How many of you
can say that?!
337
00:14:27,428 --> 00:14:28,596
Where's my (bleep) medal?!
338
00:14:28,679 --> 00:14:30,082
I am so far left,
339
00:14:30,140 --> 00:14:32,376
I'm spinning in
circles, you (bleep).
340
00:14:32,434 --> 00:14:35,068
Instead of killing myself,
I should kill all of you!
341
00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,843
I'd like to see you try.
342
00:14:36,988 --> 00:14:39,586
♪♪ "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd
playing...
343
00:14:39,643 --> 00:14:42,804
♪♪
344
00:14:47,093 --> 00:14:49,953
Ow! Jeez.
345
00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:55,539
Well, we started
the dialogue.
346
00:14:55,597 --> 00:14:58,258
You screamed "black porn"
at the top of your lungs
347
00:14:58,357 --> 00:14:59,696
in front
of women and children.
348
00:14:59,754 --> 00:15:02,288
I am not the person
those people out there say I am.
349
00:15:02,557 --> 00:15:04,571
I know that, but you
also haven't done much
350
00:15:04,629 --> 00:15:05,786
to prove that you aren't.
351
00:15:05,888 --> 00:15:07,391
I know, I know.
352
00:15:07,491 --> 00:15:09,391
All I have left is you guys.
353
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:11,287
Thank God you have my back.
354
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:13,380
- We think you should move out.
- What?!
355
00:15:13,456 --> 00:15:16,157
Oh! Brian, listen, we love you,
356
00:15:16,215 --> 00:15:18,117
but they're throwing
things at our house.
357
00:15:18,222 --> 00:15:20,446
We've got to keep
our family safe.
358
00:15:20,547 --> 00:15:22,688
I'm sorry.
It's for the best.
359
00:15:22,746 --> 00:15:24,778
Are you serious?!
You're okay with this?!
360
00:15:24,836 --> 00:15:27,374
Does this slow pan
across our disapproving faces
361
00:15:27,432 --> 00:15:28,782
answer your question?
362
00:15:39,417 --> 00:15:40,719
I saw Baywatch.
363
00:15:40,786 --> 00:15:42,643
That thing was frickin' rad.
364
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,716
♪♪
365
00:15:49,339 --> 00:15:51,214
I still think this
is a drastic measure.
366
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,331
Yeah, I messed up,
367
00:15:52,393 --> 00:15:54,375
but what about all the stupid
things Peter's done?
368
00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:55,957
He's never been kicked out
and his life...
369
00:15:56,014 --> 00:15:57,761
My life is not the issue here.
370
00:15:57,823 --> 00:15:59,086
Peter, calm down.
371
00:15:59,116 --> 00:16:00,558
Did you eat breakfast
this morning?
372
00:16:00,616 --> 00:16:02,264
I had a banana and a coffee.
373
00:16:02,412 --> 00:16:03,936
Why am I so fat?
374
00:16:04,076 --> 00:16:07,209
I'm sorry, Brian, but this
is the way it has to be.
375
00:16:07,428 --> 00:16:08,761
All right, then.
376
00:16:09,068 --> 00:16:10,704
I guess this is good-bye.
377
00:16:19,238 --> 00:16:20,803
Brian, wait.
378
00:16:21,892 --> 00:16:23,260
This collar is ours.
379
00:16:23,318 --> 00:16:24,771
It has our address on it.
380
00:16:25,107 --> 00:16:26,576
Peace, dude.
381
00:16:34,615 --> 00:16:37,873
All right, radio, time for you
to tell me what this all means.
382
00:16:38,029 --> 00:16:39,904
♪ I got a pocket
full of quarters ♪
383
00:16:39,962 --> 00:16:42,600
♪ And I'm headed to the arcade ♪
384
00:16:42,657 --> 00:16:44,583
♪♪
385
00:16:44,641 --> 00:16:46,408
♪ I don't have a lot of money ♪
386
00:16:46,542 --> 00:16:49,099
♪ But I'm bringing
ev'rything I made ♪
387
00:16:49,156 --> 00:16:51,513
♪♪
388
00:16:51,596 --> 00:16:53,255
♪ I've got a callus
on my finger ♪
389
00:16:53,313 --> 00:16:56,630
♪ And my shoulder's
hurting, too ♪
390
00:16:56,687 --> 00:16:58,077
♪♪
391
00:16:58,162 --> 00:16:59,978
♪ I'm gonna eat them all up ♪
392
00:17:00,045 --> 00:17:02,951
♪ Just as soon
as they turn blue ♪
393
00:17:03,016 --> 00:17:04,896
♪♪
394
00:17:04,984 --> 00:17:07,383
♪ 'Cause I've got
Pac-Man fever ♪
395
00:17:07,551 --> 00:17:09,155
♪ Pac-Man fever ♪
396
00:17:09,222 --> 00:17:10,722
♪ It's driving me crazy ♪
397
00:17:10,789 --> 00:17:12,022
♪ Driving me crazy ♪
398
00:17:12,089 --> 00:17:13,993
♪ I've got Pac-Man fever ♪
399
00:17:14,060 --> 00:17:15,561
♪ Pac-Man fever ♪
400
00:17:15,628 --> 00:17:17,031
♪ I'm going out of my mind. ♪
401
00:17:17,165 --> 00:17:20,166
♪♪
402
00:17:32,838 --> 00:17:34,643
Hey. Are you here for
the Time magazines
403
00:17:34,701 --> 00:17:36,143
with some of the
letters cut out?
404
00:17:36,260 --> 00:17:39,428
Uh, no, I... no, I saw that you
have an apartment for rent.
405
00:17:39,486 --> 00:17:40,518
Okay.
406
00:17:40,690 --> 00:17:42,690
Here. Apartment 23.
407
00:17:42,752 --> 00:17:43,757
Oh, okay.
408
00:17:43,824 --> 00:17:47,205
I just have one rule here:
no kissing the mailman.
409
00:17:47,306 --> 00:17:48,859
I don't think that's
gonna be a problem.
410
00:17:48,916 --> 00:17:51,296
You haven't seen him,
so don't say that yet.
411
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:52,838
Mail's here.
412
00:17:52,997 --> 00:17:55,102
Wow.
413
00:18:42,919 --> 00:18:44,291
♪♪ "Runaway Train" by oul Asylum
playing over speakers...
414
00:18:44,348 --> 00:18:46,073
If I have
other items I want to buy,
415
00:18:46,130 --> 00:18:48,086
uh, can I buy them here
at the pharmacy window?
416
00:18:48,153 --> 00:18:49,222
Yes.
417
00:18:49,289 --> 00:18:51,391
Ruth?
Yeah, bring it over here.
418
00:18:51,458 --> 00:18:52,790
We can buy them over here.
419
00:18:52,857 --> 00:18:54,060
Where are you?
420
00:18:54,127 --> 00:18:55,159
By the pharmacy.
421
00:18:55,226 --> 00:18:58,271
Hang on,
I'm picking out sunscreen.
422
00:18:58,345 --> 00:19:00,104
Sir, do you mind
if I go ahead of you?
423
00:19:00,161 --> 00:19:01,951
Uh, yes, I do mind.
424
00:19:02,095 --> 00:19:06,622
♪ This time I have really
lead myself astray... ♪
425
00:19:10,009 --> 00:19:14,279
♪♪ Humming along to "Runaway
Train" playing over speakers...
426
00:19:14,346 --> 00:19:17,518
♪ Wrong way on a one-way track ♪
427
00:19:17,585 --> 00:19:21,719
♪ Seems like I should be
getting somewhere ♪
428
00:19:21,786 --> 00:19:25,956
♪ Somehow I'm neither
here nor there... ♪
429
00:19:28,026 --> 00:19:29,829
Six dollars?
430
00:19:32,187 --> 00:19:34,726
Hey, did you knock over a
few bottles in aisle seven?
431
00:19:34,843 --> 00:19:36,492
Uh, yeah.
432
00:19:39,172 --> 00:19:40,606
Okay.
433
00:19:40,673 --> 00:19:42,743
♪ Get so jaded. ♪
434
00:19:47,717 --> 00:19:48,951
Patricia?
435
00:19:49,045 --> 00:19:50,651
Where's the big nail clipper?
436
00:19:50,718 --> 00:19:51,768
I don't know.
437
00:19:51,826 --> 00:19:52,956
Did you get rid of it?
438
00:19:53,130 --> 00:19:55,075
Why would I get rid
of the big nail clipper?
439
00:19:55,203 --> 00:19:57,693
'Cause you're a bitch, that's why.
440
00:19:57,751 --> 00:20:00,162
Nice. Yeah, now I'm
gonna tell you where it is.
441
00:20:00,220 --> 00:20:02,311
I knew you knew
where it was, you liar.
442
00:20:02,372 --> 00:20:03,443
Tell me where it is!
443
00:20:03,540 --> 00:20:05,005
No. Find it yourself.
444
00:20:05,096 --> 00:20:06,532
Oh, okay. Fine.
445
00:20:06,599 --> 00:20:08,700
How about I hide
something of yours?! Huh?!
446
00:20:08,928 --> 00:20:10,100
Put that back!
447
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:12,975
No, tell me where
the big nail clipper is!
448
00:20:22,705 --> 00:20:23,709
Boom.
449
00:20:23,861 --> 00:20:25,314
Damn it.
450
00:20:25,408 --> 00:20:27,885
Why can't
you use the little nail clipper?
451
00:20:27,943 --> 00:20:29,730
I want the big one, okay?!
452
00:20:29,788 --> 00:20:31,724
And I don't want you
using it anymore!
453
00:20:31,791 --> 00:20:33,064
Shut up, little man!
454
00:20:33,122 --> 00:20:34,241
You shut up!
455
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,674
Where'd you put it, you liar?!
456
00:20:44,516 --> 00:20:45,584
$900.
457
00:20:45,642 --> 00:20:46,658
"L."
458
00:20:46,716 --> 00:20:48,236
- "R."
- Aw.
459
00:20:48,294 --> 00:20:49,364
Two "R" s.
460
00:21:00,971 --> 00:21:04,525
♪♪
461
00:21:04,582 --> 00:21:08,205
♪♪
462
00:21:27,533 --> 00:21:30,477
♪♪