1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,486 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,655 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,251 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,387 --> 00:00:14,254 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,390 --> 00:00:17,924 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,077 --> 00:00:21,261 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,413 --> 00:00:22,763 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,915 --> 00:00:24,339 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:30,029 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪ 10 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,684 TV ANNOUNCER: ESPN now returns to our 30 for 30 documentary 11 00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:39,263 on the Houston Astros cheating scandal. 12 00:00:39,323 --> 00:00:41,356 We knew the Astros were stealing signals. 13 00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:43,709 Someone was back there banging on a trash can. 14 00:00:43,860 --> 00:00:45,544 We just couldn't figure out who. 15 00:00:45,695 --> 00:00:47,695 NARRATOR: Several players were interviewed by the league, 16 00:00:47,757 --> 00:00:50,365 but none would reveal the mastermind 17 00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:53,052 of this garbage can scheme. 18 00:00:53,245 --> 00:00:54,887 Hey, everyone. I have some news. 19 00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:59,058 I got a job writing for Quahog's top website, The Hog. 20 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,510 Starting tomorrow, I'm an online journalist. 21 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,137 Isn't The Hog that stupid pop culture site 22 00:01:04,231 --> 00:01:06,065 with those lame quizzes telling you what character 23 00:01:06,216 --> 00:01:07,715 you are in a show? 24 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,294 Peter's mad 'cause he always gets Barney Rubble. 25 00:01:10,312 --> 00:01:12,404 If I were mad, would I laugh like this? 26 00:01:12,597 --> 00:01:13,922 (laughs) 27 00:01:13,949 --> 00:01:15,632 I don't think so. 28 00:01:15,692 --> 00:01:16,909 Congratulations, Brian. 29 00:01:17,102 --> 00:01:18,911 Yeah, we're all very happy for you. 30 00:01:19,104 --> 00:01:20,470 Thanks. I'm really excited. 31 00:01:20,531 --> 00:01:22,230 And I totally nailed the interview. 32 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:24,065 So, Brian, I got a great recommendation 33 00:01:24,085 --> 00:01:25,584 from your last employer. 34 00:01:25,777 --> 00:01:28,312 Yes, I worked for Mr. Skin at five dollars a pun. 35 00:01:28,372 --> 00:01:30,422 You know, I came up with Halle's Berries, 36 00:01:30,574 --> 00:01:32,925 Elle Fanny, Abigail Breastlin. 37 00:01:33,118 --> 00:01:35,410 You're really good at sexualizing children. 38 00:01:35,471 --> 00:01:37,154 -I-Is that a problem? -No, no, no. 39 00:01:37,256 --> 00:01:39,323 That's a big part of online journalism. 40 00:01:39,341 --> 00:01:41,158 Now, let's have a look at your sample material. 41 00:01:41,218 --> 00:01:43,176 Well, I've got a listicle of alcohol brands 42 00:01:43,329 --> 00:01:44,752 that are also guys' names. 43 00:01:44,855 --> 00:01:47,755 Whoa! Talk about bursting out of the gates. 44 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,216 Cardi B tweeted something and I retweeted it 45 00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:52,427 with "This, this, this, this, this." 46 00:01:52,488 --> 00:01:55,114 Wow. That is some top-shelf journalism. 47 00:01:55,265 --> 00:01:56,615 And here's some pictures of cute animals 48 00:01:56,808 --> 00:01:58,525 that wives can shove in their husbands' faces 49 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,344 to keep them from ever going to sleep. 50 00:02:00,404 --> 00:02:03,363 Brian, stop. I can only hire you so many times. 51 00:02:03,515 --> 00:02:05,182 Welcome to The Hog. 52 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,293 I'll ask my roommate to move his car so you can pull out. 53 00:02:13,417 --> 00:02:15,359 Cup of joe and a greasy roll, please. 54 00:02:15,419 --> 00:02:17,619 Okay, whatever this is, I already hate it. 55 00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:20,046 Sorry, I'm up against a deadline on a big story. 56 00:02:20,199 --> 00:02:23,717 Major ramifications. Lid, prepare to be blown off. 57 00:02:23,869 --> 00:02:26,386 "Best butts to sniff at the park." 58 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,705 I, um, I don't... I-I don't think 59 00:02:28,724 --> 00:02:30,390 this is an article for human readers. 60 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,967 Now hold on there, Stewie, just hear the man out. 61 00:02:32,987 --> 00:02:34,394 Thank you, Chris. 62 00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:36,321 I also posted a couple of articles last night. 63 00:02:36,473 --> 00:02:37,731 Real think pieces. 64 00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:40,233 "Star Wars movies ranked best to worst 65 00:02:40,386 --> 00:02:42,235 except for the two I haven't seen." 66 00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:44,812 Well, that seems lazy. And which two didn't you see? 67 00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,557 Uh, the original Star Wars and The Empire Strikes Back. 68 00:02:47,659 --> 00:02:51,152 I'd still rather read that than "9/11s since 2000 69 00:02:51,255 --> 00:02:53,079 "ranked best to worst. 70 00:02:53,174 --> 00:02:55,749 Number one may surprise you." 71 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,751 September 11, 2014? 72 00:02:57,887 --> 00:03:00,828 We lost Richard Kiel, the actor who portrayed Jaws 73 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,514 in the James Bond films. 74 00:03:02,707 --> 00:03:04,641 ♪ ♪ 75 00:03:10,807 --> 00:03:12,766 All right, let's see what's on demand. 76 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:15,419 TV ANNOUNCER: Thank you for watching Cox Cable On Demand. 77 00:03:15,437 --> 00:03:16,770 We have a lot of great movies, 78 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,680 like Guy Ritchie's Snatch on Cox. 79 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,032 All right... 80 00:03:20,225 --> 00:03:21,925 And we've got other great features. 81 00:03:21,944 --> 00:03:25,429 If you want to see Carrie, Blow, Big, Shaft 82 00:03:25,447 --> 00:03:28,615 and the 2008 indie hit Choke, you need Cox. 83 00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,692 Okay, I... I guess they're all movies. 84 00:03:30,753 --> 00:03:32,602 And if you're looking for comedy, 85 00:03:32,663 --> 00:03:35,029 check out performers Lewis Black, Andy Dick, 86 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:37,607 -and Ed Lover... -Peter, turn off the TV. 87 00:03:37,626 --> 00:03:40,368 All right. Guess who just wrote ten facts 88 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:42,704 you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld. 89 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,297 Is one that he's Jewish? 90 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,391 -(clicks) -Guess who just wrote nine facts 91 00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:48,227 you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld. 92 00:03:48,420 --> 00:03:49,970 He likes classic cars? 93 00:03:50,122 --> 00:03:51,546 -(clicks) -Guess who just wrote eight facts 94 00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:53,515 you didn't know about Jerry Seinfeld. 95 00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:55,550 You probably said he was Jewish a second time. 96 00:03:55,611 --> 00:03:57,385 -(clicks) -All right, new article, 97 00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,887 "One Fact You Didn't Know About Michael Richards." 98 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:01,389 You can't use that word in an article. 99 00:04:01,492 --> 00:04:05,285 And I will find a new show to write about. 100 00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:11,157 Hey, I'm working on a story about fat guys 101 00:04:11,310 --> 00:04:12,976 belly-flopping onto cement. 102 00:04:13,036 --> 00:04:15,087 Will you put on these roller skates and go clean the gutters? 103 00:04:15,238 --> 00:04:16,421 I'm not doing that. 104 00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,114 It might get retweeted by Joe Rogan. 105 00:04:18,208 --> 00:04:20,759 Ooh. I'll do anything Joe Rogan says. 106 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:24,154 I think he's the best dumb guy king we've ever had. 107 00:04:24,214 --> 00:04:26,265 When this story breaks, it's gonna be big. 108 00:04:26,458 --> 00:04:28,325 Like when Horton heard The Who. 109 00:04:28,385 --> 00:04:30,160 ♪ All right... ♪ 110 00:04:30,220 --> 00:04:31,753 That's not singing, 111 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,522 -it's just screaming. -♪ Yeah! ♪ 112 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:39,669 Okay, I have to write an article on the life 113 00:04:39,688 --> 00:04:42,781 of the town's hero and brewery founder, Pawtucket Pat. 114 00:04:42,932 --> 00:04:45,525 Now, where's the normal, well-adjusted person 115 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,619 who works in a small-town archive? 116 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,363 Yes? 117 00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:53,366 I, uh... I'm-I'm looking for some old manuscripts. 118 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:56,795 Excellent. Bats, take me to him. 119 00:04:56,988 --> 00:04:59,131 (squeaking) 120 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,711 Okay, this is everything they have on Pat. 121 00:05:04,863 --> 00:05:07,806 God, I bet no one's even read most of this stuff before. 122 00:05:07,957 --> 00:05:09,641 Huh, what's this? 123 00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:12,978 Some kind of leather-bound book sealed with wax. 124 00:05:15,399 --> 00:05:17,390 Wow. I think it's his diary. 125 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,526 See? Men can too have diaries. 126 00:05:19,677 --> 00:05:22,212 Yeah, his cover doesn't have sparkles, champ. 127 00:05:22,272 --> 00:05:25,324 First page. "Dad, don't read this." 128 00:05:25,517 --> 00:05:28,885 Second page. "Seriously, Dad, don't read this." 129 00:05:28,904 --> 00:05:31,071 Third page. "Dad, what are you doing? 130 00:05:31,165 --> 00:05:32,497 Don't read this." 131 00:05:32,649 --> 00:05:34,982 Fourth page. "I kissed my sister." 132 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,894 Okay, let's flip ahead. 133 00:05:37,954 --> 00:05:39,396 Oh, my God. 134 00:05:39,456 --> 00:05:41,322 -What? -He says that he didn't create 135 00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:43,083 his recipe for beer. 136 00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:45,235 He stole it from some Native Americans 137 00:05:45,253 --> 00:05:46,736 and killed them to keep his secret, 138 00:05:46,797 --> 00:05:49,072 and then he kissed his sister again. 139 00:05:49,091 --> 00:05:50,740 What? That's insane. 140 00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:53,518 Pawtucket Pat is the most revered person in Quahog. 141 00:05:53,711 --> 00:05:55,854 Not anymore. This is a big story. 142 00:05:56,047 --> 00:05:59,191 Can you believe it? It's like we're Woodward and Berenstain. 143 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,443 Follow the honey. 144 00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,033 (indistinct chatter) 145 00:06:12,206 --> 00:06:13,955 What the hell? 146 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:17,024 Hey, hey. What are you guys doing? 147 00:06:17,086 --> 00:06:18,377 Why are you so upset about Pat? 148 00:06:18,570 --> 00:06:20,787 Pawtucket Pat was a phony! 149 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:22,272 (chuckles) I remember you. 150 00:06:22,332 --> 00:06:23,957 But no, he isn't. He's a hero. 151 00:06:24,093 --> 00:06:26,218 Not anymore. He's a racist murderer 152 00:06:26,411 --> 00:06:29,513 and this statue should be torn down. 153 00:06:32,417 --> 00:06:34,134 (sighs) God, there's a lot wrong with this, 154 00:06:34,228 --> 00:06:35,301 but you can't tear this down. 155 00:06:35,454 --> 00:06:36,786 Pat's an icon. 156 00:06:36,888 --> 00:06:38,713 That statue belongs right here in the park, 157 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:41,124 next to the statue of Quahog's greatest missionary, 158 00:06:41,226 --> 00:06:42,550 Father Touchboys. 159 00:06:42,611 --> 00:06:44,719 That statue was removed a year ago. 160 00:06:44,780 --> 00:06:46,696 For what?! 161 00:06:53,305 --> 00:06:54,988 Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker. 162 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,308 Our top story: the revelations about local hero Pawtucket Pat 163 00:06:58,368 --> 00:07:00,234 continue to rock Quahog. 164 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,995 The town is divided over whether his statue 165 00:07:02,147 --> 00:07:03,663 should remain in the park. 166 00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,758 Even the pigeons who poop on it are in a moral quandary. 167 00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,411 So, what do you two think of the statue being on public land? 168 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:13,581 -Coo. -Not coo. 169 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,158 PETER: My friend is the mailman. 170 00:07:15,218 --> 00:07:17,510 I'm gonna give him a heart attack. 171 00:07:17,663 --> 00:07:20,346 Good job, Brian. Your work has actually made an impact. 172 00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:22,107 Thanks, Stewie. I think everybody's 173 00:07:22,300 --> 00:07:23,683 gonna be happy about this. 174 00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:25,351 Where do you get off?! 175 00:07:25,504 --> 00:07:28,354 In my bedroom, mostly. Sometimes the bathroom. 176 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:30,690 Or wherever I see a lady seal an envelope. 177 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:34,286 Good, good. I am glad we can talk frankly about sex. 178 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:36,362 And Brian, how dare you try to take down 179 00:07:36,457 --> 00:07:38,290 the statue of Pawtucket Pat? 180 00:07:38,441 --> 00:07:39,365 Oh, my God. You don't actually support 181 00:07:39,518 --> 00:07:40,850 keeping it there, do you? 182 00:07:40,952 --> 00:07:43,186 Of course I do. It's been there my whole life. 183 00:07:43,288 --> 00:07:45,538 And I am gonna do whatever it takes to keep it up. 184 00:07:45,691 --> 00:07:48,374 Finally, Peter cares about keeping something up. 185 00:07:48,469 --> 00:07:51,711 Lois, will you stifle yourself? 186 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,713 (laughter, applause) 187 00:07:54,791 --> 00:07:57,534 Yesterday, Meg sat there without pants. 188 00:07:57,594 --> 00:08:00,220 Yuck. Brian, Pat is a hero. 189 00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,980 H-He practically built Quahog. 190 00:08:02,131 --> 00:08:03,389 And his statue is part of the town. 191 00:08:03,525 --> 00:08:05,317 And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let 192 00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:08,044 some draft-dodging liberals tear it down. 193 00:08:08,063 --> 00:08:09,488 -We don't have a draft. -Well, then, 194 00:08:09,681 --> 00:08:11,715 who shaved my head and yelled at me for two months? 195 00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:14,475 Peter, we've been over this. That was the Heaven's Gate cult. 196 00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:16,219 Oh, right, that-that thing with the shoes. 197 00:08:16,279 --> 00:08:17,979 Yeah, o-once I got the shoes, I split. 198 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,405 The statue has got to go. 199 00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,333 Brian, for years, it's been a tradition 200 00:08:21,526 --> 00:08:23,668 that every boy, when he turns 16, 201 00:08:23,820 --> 00:08:27,063 has to kiss the statue's crotch while his friends take pictures. 202 00:08:27,082 --> 00:08:28,565 That's not a tradition. 203 00:08:28,625 --> 00:08:31,918 Ah, then I think some fun was had at my expense. 204 00:08:32,070 --> 00:08:34,346 Peter, we can't leave a symbol like that in the town square. 205 00:08:34,497 --> 00:08:36,256 Pawtucket Pat was a horrible racist. 206 00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,408 Well, so is Tucker Carlson, but we still say hi to him 207 00:08:38,468 --> 00:08:39,851 at the company picnic. 208 00:08:40,003 --> 00:08:41,745 Brian, if you apply the values of today 209 00:08:41,805 --> 00:08:44,097 to people who lived almost 300 year ago, 210 00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:46,024 uh, doesn't that mean we'd have to take down the statues 211 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:47,842 of pretty much everyone? 212 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,586 I-I mean, where do you draw the line? 213 00:08:49,646 --> 00:08:52,088 Wait a minute, y-you don't agree with Peter, do you? 214 00:08:52,148 --> 00:08:54,257 I don't know. I-I'm uncomfortable 215 00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:56,684 with a racist statue being smack in the middle of Quahog, 216 00:08:56,745 --> 00:09:00,780 but as a woman, I need landmarks to find my way around town. 217 00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:04,434 I mean, without that statue, I'm completely disoriented. 218 00:09:04,452 --> 00:09:07,546 Okay, if anyone needs me, I'll be in the kitchen. 219 00:09:09,365 --> 00:09:10,882 Damn it, who moved the lamp? 220 00:09:11,075 --> 00:09:13,610 Well, what does the rest of the family think? Chris? 221 00:09:13,670 --> 00:09:16,780 -Ha! You got sunflowered. -What? 222 00:09:16,798 --> 00:09:19,224 When a Gen Z kid wants out of a conversation, 223 00:09:19,417 --> 00:09:21,560 he leaves a large sunflower in his place. 224 00:09:21,753 --> 00:09:23,061 That's ridiculous. There is no way 225 00:09:23,254 --> 00:09:24,954 that children regularly disappear 226 00:09:24,973 --> 00:09:26,956 and then replace themselves with sunflowers 227 00:09:27,017 --> 00:09:28,474 just to express their boredom. 228 00:09:28,627 --> 00:09:31,236 Ha. You got sunflowered again. 229 00:09:31,429 --> 00:09:32,737 Why are you back? 230 00:09:32,889 --> 00:09:34,647 (scoffs) We only have one sunflower. 231 00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,483 Okay, I-I clearly don't understand your generation, 232 00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:39,744 but Meg, you're currently taking world history. 233 00:09:39,937 --> 00:09:41,654 What do you think should happen to the statue? 234 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:45,141 I don't care. I'm an agent of chaos. 235 00:09:45,201 --> 00:09:46,976 Ow! Well, screw you guys. 236 00:09:47,037 --> 00:09:50,589 Pawtucket Pat is a hero. That statue ain't going nowhere. 237 00:09:50,757 --> 00:09:53,833 It's a part of history. Just like Catherine the Great. 238 00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:55,668 My great people of Russia. 239 00:09:55,762 --> 00:10:00,323 As your empress, my legacy shall be expanding Russia's borders, 240 00:10:00,383 --> 00:10:02,583 growing her armies, building palaces 241 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:05,252 that will be admired for centuries... 242 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,755 We heard you had sex with a horse! 243 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:12,168 I have created alliances with the great powers of Europe... 244 00:10:12,228 --> 00:10:14,170 What about the horse sex? 245 00:10:14,230 --> 00:10:16,172 There is no horse sex! 246 00:10:16,232 --> 00:10:17,857 Is this guy bothering you, Cathy? 247 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,618 I can handle this. 248 00:10:22,364 --> 00:10:25,957 Hey guys, I got you all "Keep Up the Statue" hats, or "KUTS." 249 00:10:26,109 --> 00:10:29,794 Kuts? Isn't that the lady's hairdresser down the street? 250 00:10:29,946 --> 00:10:32,047 Why don't you tell me? 251 00:10:34,376 --> 00:10:36,117 Peter, I'm not wearing a Kuts hat. 252 00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,785 Come on, if I refer three friends, 253 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:38,987 I get a free blowout. 254 00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:40,546 Tell them Mary Sparkles sent you. 255 00:10:40,641 --> 00:10:43,016 But never call me that in front of my family. 256 00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,478 Where was this place, again? 257 00:10:46,629 --> 00:10:49,296 Peter, anybody who supports that statue is a racist. 258 00:10:49,358 --> 00:10:52,133 Racist? How can a 300-pound white guy 259 00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,711 who looks at black porn be racist? 260 00:10:54,729 --> 00:10:56,321 Here, Peter. You were sent a beer 261 00:10:56,490 --> 00:10:58,156 by that table of businessmen. 262 00:10:58,307 --> 00:11:00,049 -Which table? -No, no. No, no. Don't look. 263 00:11:00,151 --> 00:11:02,385 Make them come to you. 264 00:11:02,404 --> 00:11:04,704 You guys haven't read my book, have you? 265 00:11:09,119 --> 00:11:11,244 -Peter, they're leaving. -They'll come. 266 00:11:11,396 --> 00:11:13,413 They're getting in their vehicle. 267 00:11:13,565 --> 00:11:15,322 -They're pulling into the street without looking. -(tires screech, loud crash) 268 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:17,083 Oh, no, they've been hit by a bus! 269 00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:19,252 They'll come. I followed the rules. 270 00:11:19,404 --> 00:11:21,346 Peter, they can't come. They're dead. 271 00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:24,165 That was the day I lost my sparkle. 272 00:11:24,226 --> 00:11:27,018 I was just Mary after that. 273 00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,506 Excuse me, would you sign this petition demanding 274 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:34,008 that the city take down the... 275 00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:35,509 Take down the what? 276 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,511 -Uh, nothing. -Good. 277 00:11:37,572 --> 00:11:40,089 Hey, could you do me a favor and elbow-wipe 278 00:11:40,108 --> 00:11:42,850 74 years of pigeon (bleep) off my shoulders? 279 00:11:42,953 --> 00:11:44,703 Uh, okay. 280 00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:47,280 Who are you, anyway? 281 00:11:47,432 --> 00:11:49,523 I'm Rhode Island founder Roger Williams, 282 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:52,359 otherwise known as the end of the worst field trip 283 00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,437 in elementary school history. 284 00:11:54,497 --> 00:11:57,440 It's true. The kids are very disappointed. 285 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:02,053 Oh, yeah, "And Wife" is totally getting' them jazzed. 286 00:12:02,246 --> 00:12:06,182 -(horn honks) -Move, Brian, you're in my spot. 287 00:12:08,044 --> 00:12:09,619 You're Mrs. Groceries? 288 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:11,545 She touched the manager over the pants. 289 00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:14,123 Love her or hate her, she plays to win. 290 00:12:14,142 --> 00:12:15,567 -Anyway, how's it going? -Not good. 291 00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:17,569 I'm not getting any signatures on this petition. 292 00:12:17,762 --> 00:12:19,553 Really? It looks like you've got quite a few. 293 00:12:19,656 --> 00:12:22,148 Oh, mostly they just say, "Brian is gay." 294 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,576 Yeah, I have to be careful. If 200 people write it, 295 00:12:24,727 --> 00:12:26,894 -it goes on the ballot. -Well, at least you're trying. 296 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:28,154 I mean, what is Peter doing 297 00:12:28,306 --> 00:12:29,581 to drum up support for his side? 298 00:12:29,732 --> 00:12:31,324 PETER (on bullhorn): Ladies and gentlemen, 299 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:34,544 to support Pawtucket Pat, please welcome Kid Rock. 300 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,572 Hello, Quahog. 301 00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,501 Whenever there's a town debate with racial overtones, 302 00:12:41,653 --> 00:12:44,453 -I'm there on the wrong side. -(all cheering) 303 00:12:44,473 --> 00:12:46,598 Aw, crap, everybody run. It's Adult Rock. 304 00:12:46,791 --> 00:12:49,008 Kid, you want to tell me why I found your mother's 305 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,919 best T-shirt-cutting scissors outside in the rain? 306 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,846 -(scoffs) I don't know. -(sighs) 307 00:12:53,999 --> 00:12:57,233 Why can't you be more like your brother, The? 308 00:13:00,930 --> 00:13:03,356 Rupert, I was going over our credit card statement. 309 00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:06,526 There's a charge for two tickets to Tootsie the musical, 310 00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:10,604 yet I don't remember going to see Tootsie the musical. 311 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:14,441 Now, I'm hoping the good news is I'm ruining the surprise. 312 00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:16,369 God, I can't believe Peter is actually winning 313 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,371 public support for that damn statue. 314 00:13:18,465 --> 00:13:20,189 And he's throwing rocks through my window, 315 00:13:20,250 --> 00:13:21,448 and it's his house. 316 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,784 -(Peter grunting) -(heavy thud) 317 00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,286 Ugh, that rock was too heavy. 318 00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:28,122 Got to find something lighter. 319 00:13:28,183 --> 00:13:30,216 Okay, so something in between. 320 00:13:30,368 --> 00:13:31,792 That statue is such a disgrace. 321 00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:33,536 I'll tell you, part of me wants to march down 322 00:13:33,638 --> 00:13:35,388 to that park and remove it myself. 323 00:13:35,524 --> 00:13:37,682 Well, why don't you? It'd be a noble act. 324 00:13:37,876 --> 00:13:39,484 Think of it as civil disobedience. 325 00:13:39,677 --> 00:13:41,635 Disobedience? But I'm a good boy. 326 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:44,322 I obey. I always obey. I'm a good boy who obeys. 327 00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,215 Okay, d-don't think of it as disobedience, 328 00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:47,884 Forget I used that word. 329 00:13:47,986 --> 00:13:49,494 You're a weird guy, Bri. 330 00:13:49,687 --> 00:13:51,645 A weird doggy guy. 331 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:54,256 PETER: Ha! Found some medium rocks. 332 00:13:54,258 --> 00:13:56,059 You know what? That's a great idea. 333 00:13:56,077 --> 00:13:59,153 Like not separating immigrant children from their families. 334 00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:01,422 (applause) 335 00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:05,251 If you're the first one to stop applauding, 336 00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,070 that means you're racist. 337 00:14:07,088 --> 00:14:09,180 (applause intensifies) 338 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,433 (applause continues) 339 00:14:14,879 --> 00:14:15,928 (applause stops) 340 00:14:16,081 --> 00:14:17,580 Thanks for helping me, Stewie. 341 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,931 All right, let's tie the rope around the statue 342 00:14:19,084 --> 00:14:20,341 and tow it out of here. 343 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,767 All right, great. But before we begin, 344 00:14:21,862 --> 00:14:23,753 I'm just going to use the park bathroom 345 00:14:23,855 --> 00:14:25,446 -at night. -Stewie, no. 346 00:14:28,726 --> 00:14:30,118 I got a lollipop! 347 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,039 That's great, bud. 348 00:14:42,073 --> 00:14:44,716 Now let's stop talking about that lollipop and get to work. 349 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,797 Okay, we're almost ready to do this. 350 00:14:51,950 --> 00:14:53,116 Did you bring the masks? 351 00:14:53,134 --> 00:14:54,800 -Right here. -What the hell is this? 352 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,636 You said to bring masks. 353 00:14:56,788 --> 00:14:58,730 These are from last year's charity ball at the Guggenheim. 354 00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:01,140 Whatever. Just help me tie this rope to the car. 355 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,384 Sorry, I need a free hand to hold up my mask. 356 00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,528 Enough with the damn masks! 357 00:15:12,395 --> 00:15:14,537 All right, let's get this statue out of here. 358 00:15:28,285 --> 00:15:31,578 I guess you only paid for driver's side airbags. 359 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,016 Yeah. When I bought this, I was dating a girl I didn't like. 360 00:15:41,942 --> 00:15:43,666 Wow, look at this. 361 00:15:43,726 --> 00:15:45,944 The statue's disappearance is being covered everywhere. 362 00:15:46,095 --> 00:15:47,670 I can't believe we really did it. 363 00:15:47,689 --> 00:15:49,522 -I just hope we don't get caught. -So what? 364 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,008 Mom would just ground us and take away screen time, 365 00:15:52,068 --> 00:15:54,786 and then realize that without screens, she has to entertain us 366 00:15:54,937 --> 00:15:56,270 and immediately give it back. 367 00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:58,698 Stewie, destroying a statue is a felony. 368 00:15:58,808 --> 00:16:00,199 If we're caught, we'll go to prison. 369 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,201 Prison?! I can't go to prison. 370 00:16:02,353 --> 00:16:04,704 Peter watched all six seasons of Oz 371 00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,372 with me in a Babybjörn. 372 00:16:06,524 --> 00:16:09,283 I'm too young to have someone go poo on my face. 373 00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:13,179 Well, there's really no good age for it to happen. 374 00:16:16,977 --> 00:16:18,810 All right, Stewie, just relax. 375 00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:21,037 And don't do that weird, nervous laugh you do 376 00:16:21,097 --> 00:16:22,872 -when you're hiding something. -Got it. 377 00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:26,058 -Morning, everybody. -Where have you guys been? 378 00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:27,819 (cackles) 379 00:16:28,012 --> 00:16:29,136 No-Nowhere, of course! 380 00:16:29,197 --> 00:16:30,713 (quietly): Will you calm down? 381 00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:32,381 So, uh, where's Peter? 382 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,900 Uh, he went to some rally 'cause the statue's gone. 383 00:16:35,053 --> 00:16:39,146 He's angrier than Al Pacino's forehead liver spots. 384 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,240 Comb your hair down instead of up. 385 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,501 Give us some shade. We're dying up here. 386 00:16:43,652 --> 00:16:45,152 Yeah, what do you call that haircut? 387 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,653 You're nearly 80 years old. 388 00:16:46,789 --> 00:16:48,506 You look like the kid from Jerry Maguire. 389 00:16:48,699 --> 00:16:51,342 What are you going for with all of these spots? 390 00:16:51,494 --> 00:16:53,919 I want to look like mashed potatoes, 391 00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:56,088 with the skins on. 392 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,391 (indistinct chatter) 393 00:17:10,387 --> 00:17:12,104 This is awesome. What a turnout. 394 00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,014 And look, here comes Fox News. 395 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,850 (horn playing "Dixie") 396 00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:19,370 It's amazing how recently that show aired. 397 00:17:19,563 --> 00:17:22,523 That statue was a travesty and so is the brewery. 398 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,858 They should close it and make juice instead. 399 00:17:24,919 --> 00:17:26,269 What? How dare you? 400 00:17:26,329 --> 00:17:28,046 Juice will not replace us. 401 00:17:28,197 --> 00:17:29,955 (chanting): Juice will not replace us! 402 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,108 Juice will not replace us! 403 00:17:32,126 --> 00:17:33,551 My God, Peter, what are you doing? 404 00:17:33,702 --> 00:17:36,554 Taking up politics to avoid intimacy with my wife. 405 00:17:36,747 --> 00:17:38,222 Peter, is that you? 406 00:17:38,415 --> 00:17:40,707 (gasps) I thought we could protest together. 407 00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,619 All right, no more politics. Time for trains in the basement. 408 00:17:43,679 --> 00:17:46,289 -MAN: Stop! -Collaborate and listen. 409 00:17:46,349 --> 00:17:48,232 We are from the Narragansett tribe, 410 00:17:48,425 --> 00:17:51,385 from whom Pawtucket Pat stole his recipe. 411 00:17:51,488 --> 00:17:55,556 And we are annoyed that no one has asked us what we think. 412 00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:58,484 You guys kind of dress like weekend Jay Leno. 413 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:02,655 Thank you. We've just come from the Wang-Holder wedding. 414 00:18:02,791 --> 00:18:03,989 (laughs) See? 415 00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:05,808 Little more of that, John Oliver, 416 00:18:05,827 --> 00:18:07,919 and maybe you'll finally get that 14th Emmy. 417 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:09,736 Well, what do you guys think? 418 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:12,239 This statue is only the tip of the iceberg. 419 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,151 The pressing issue isn't what someone did 300 years ago, 420 00:18:15,253 --> 00:18:17,578 it's how do we help Native Americans today 421 00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:21,248 and end the institutional racism that still plagues society? 422 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,059 The poverty rate on reservations... 423 00:18:24,128 --> 00:18:26,771 Oh, damn, you got sunflowered. 424 00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:28,106 Everyone, come back. 425 00:18:28,299 --> 00:18:30,333 Uh, come back. he makes a good point. 426 00:18:30,351 --> 00:18:33,594 We've all been so focused on what the statue means to us 427 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,020 we didn't even stop to consider 428 00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:37,264 how Pawtucket Pat affected others. 429 00:18:37,358 --> 00:18:39,008 But Pat's the town hero. 430 00:18:39,068 --> 00:18:41,694 If he's nothing, then so is Quahog. 431 00:18:41,846 --> 00:18:44,196 -(indistinct chatter) -No, it's not. 432 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,125 Quahog is still a wonderful town. 433 00:18:47,318 --> 00:18:49,627 I-I mean, we still got one of those Arby's signs. 434 00:18:49,820 --> 00:18:52,463 You know? T-The old ones, you know, with the big old hat? 435 00:18:52,656 --> 00:18:54,632 That's been gone for ten years. 436 00:18:54,825 --> 00:18:56,968 Oh, (bleep) this place. 437 00:18:57,161 --> 00:18:58,785 No, no, you know what? No. 438 00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:00,546 Quahog is a wonderful town, 439 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,866 because of who we are and what we do, 440 00:19:03,926 --> 00:19:07,961 not because of some guy who stole beer 300 years ago. 441 00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:10,130 Especially when he did horrible things 442 00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:12,132 to some of our fellow citizens. 443 00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:14,727 Yeah, I guess you're right. 444 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,045 Thank you, Peter. 445 00:19:16,063 --> 00:19:17,804 Now, crowd of angry whites, 446 00:19:17,866 --> 00:19:21,492 I think we all owe our Native American friends an apology. 447 00:19:21,685 --> 00:19:23,052 ALL: Sorry. 448 00:19:23,154 --> 00:19:24,887 Angry whites. 449 00:19:24,947 --> 00:19:27,314 -ALL: Sorry! -That's better. 450 00:19:27,333 --> 00:19:30,150 Well, Brian, I guess I owe you an apology, too. 451 00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:31,836 You were right from the start. 452 00:19:32,029 --> 00:19:33,654 Sorry things got so heated between us 453 00:19:33,756 --> 00:19:35,731 and that I took a dump in your dog food. 454 00:19:35,791 --> 00:19:38,342 -Wait, what? -I know. Politics, huh? 455 00:19:38,535 --> 00:19:42,180 -Come on everybody, let's go home. -I'll drive. 456 00:19:44,875 --> 00:19:47,018 Where the hell are we? 457 00:19:54,585 --> 00:19:56,009 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. 458 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,437 Our top story: the statue of Pawtucket Pat 459 00:19:58,589 --> 00:20:00,773 was found earlier today in the Quahog River. 460 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:03,517 In the spirit of compromise, the town has decided 461 00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:05,852 that it will be relocated to the Quahog Museum, 462 00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,521 where it will be both remembered 463 00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,523 and never seen by anyone ever again. 464 00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:12,451 Well, thank God this whole controversy is behind us. 465 00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:15,046 Yeah. And Peter, I'm glad you came to your senses. 466 00:20:15,197 --> 00:20:18,123 Me, too. You know, we might even win an award for this. 467 00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,218 -Really? -Yeah, award voters love it 468 00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:21,886 when someone with a right-leaning viewpoint 469 00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:23,537 admits they're wrong. 470 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:24,947 They declare it's good storytelling 471 00:20:25,007 --> 00:20:26,224 and character development. 472 00:20:26,417 --> 00:20:28,226 Ooh, like Three Billboards. 473 00:20:28,419 --> 00:20:30,453 -And Green Book. -Driving Miss Daisy. 474 00:20:30,513 --> 00:20:32,063 American History X. 475 00:20:32,256 --> 00:20:33,898 Yeah, all those. And many more. 476 00:20:34,091 --> 00:20:37,050 But can anyone name a single movie where someone on the left 477 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:40,796 took on a more Republican-leaning viewpoint? 478 00:20:40,856 --> 00:20:42,815 Doesn't even have to have won an award. 479 00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,951 Just has to exist. 480 00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,487 Anyone? 481 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,656 Anything? 482 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,918 What about Fritz Lang's Metropolis? 483 00:20:54,111 --> 00:20:55,311 How'd you get here? 484 00:20:55,371 --> 00:20:58,572 Mm, in my Hyundai Sonata. 485 00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:00,299 (shudders) 486 00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:34,292 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH