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00:00:02,343 --> 00:00:05,512
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,553 --> 00:00:08,806
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:12,392
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:12,427 --> 00:00:15,379
♪ On which we used to rely?
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 11x03 ♪
Old Man and the Big `C'
Original Air Date on November 4, 2012
11
00:00:32,501 --> 00:00:36,501
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
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Boy, what a great day
for a baseball game.
13
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Yeah, and these
are the best seats
14
00:00:40,455 --> 00:00:42,272
in the house
for catching home run balls.
15
00:00:42,307 --> 00:00:43,540
Aw, that'd be sweet.
16
00:00:43,575 --> 00:00:46,410
The only souvenir I ever got was
at that stock car race.
17
00:00:53,434 --> 00:00:55,402
All right,
I got the guy!
18
00:00:55,436 --> 00:00:56,587
I got the guy.
19
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,707
Man, I hate
the Yankees.
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00:01:00,742 --> 00:01:02,626
Yeah! You are all villains
to me
21
00:01:02,660 --> 00:01:06,180
because I happen to live in this
region of the country. Yeah!
22
00:01:07,198 --> 00:01:09,182
What's going on?
Did I miss something?
23
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,318
Nah, just some idiot streaking
across the field.
24
00:01:11,352 --> 00:01:14,788
Ha ha. You're all looking
at my penis.
25
00:01:14,822 --> 00:01:18,141
You didn't plan on it,
but it's happening.
26
00:01:18,176 --> 00:01:20,894
Oh, cool. Two
spots opened up.
27
00:01:20,929 --> 00:01:22,829
You, uh-- y-you go ahead.
28
00:01:22,864 --> 00:01:24,998
I can wait. I might--
I might wait for a stall.
29
00:01:25,033 --> 00:01:26,333
Oh, come on, Peter.
30
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:28,619
We're missing the game.
31
00:01:30,271 --> 00:01:31,238
Hey. Hi.
32
00:01:31,272 --> 00:01:32,639
Hey.
33
00:01:32,674 --> 00:01:34,641
Damn it.
He already started.
34
00:01:34,676 --> 00:01:37,144
If I don't start peeing soon,
it's gonna be weird.
35
00:01:37,178 --> 00:01:39,146
He'll be all done,
and I'll still be here.
36
00:01:39,180 --> 00:01:40,214
Come on, Peter. Pee.
37
00:01:40,248 --> 00:01:41,882
Your dad fought
in World War II,
38
00:01:41,916 --> 00:01:43,550
and you can't even pee
in a urinal?
39
00:01:43,585 --> 00:01:45,052
What the hell's
wrong with you?
40
00:01:45,086 --> 00:01:46,320
All set?
Yup.
41
00:01:47,355 --> 00:01:48,655
I know you didn't go.
42
00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:51,258
I'm'a go pee
in a stairwell.
43
00:01:51,292 --> 00:01:53,493
Now batting
for the Red Sox,
44
00:01:53,528 --> 00:01:56,029
number 34, David Ortiz.
45
00:01:56,064 --> 00:01:57,497
Come on, Big Papi!
46
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:00,834
It's coming straight for us!
47
00:02:00,868 --> 00:02:02,452
I got it, I got it!
48
00:02:03,438 --> 00:02:05,272
Mine! I got it!
It's my ball
49
00:02:05,306 --> 00:02:07,107
Damn it, Brian!
That came to me!
50
00:02:07,141 --> 00:02:08,875
That's my ball!
51
00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:10,277
What?
52
00:02:10,311 --> 00:02:11,878
Holy crap!
53
00:02:21,756 --> 00:02:23,390
Wow, I guess
all this time,
54
00:02:23,424 --> 00:02:25,392
Quagmire should've
been saying "wiggity."
55
00:02:25,426 --> 00:02:27,728
Ha!
No, but he'sour friend.
56
00:02:31,833 --> 00:02:33,133
And now it's time
57
00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:34,635
for
the Channel Five Sports Report
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00:02:34,669 --> 00:02:35,969
brought to you by Kia.
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00:02:36,004 --> 00:02:37,938
Kia: Too bad it's a Kia.
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00:02:37,972 --> 00:02:39,439
A big day at Fenway today,
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00:02:39,474 --> 00:02:41,942
as the Red Sox bested
the Yankees seven to six.
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00:02:41,976 --> 00:02:43,610
But what really
has everyone talking
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00:02:43,645 --> 00:02:46,213
is the fan who lost his toupee
at the game.
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00:02:46,247 --> 00:02:47,848
The hilarious video already has
65
00:02:47,882 --> 00:02:49,950
over two million views
on YouTube.
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00:02:49,984 --> 00:02:52,986
Comments ranged from sympathy
all the way to racial slurs
67
00:02:53,021 --> 00:02:54,788
directed at others
who chose to comment.
68
00:02:54,822 --> 00:02:56,923
Great, I'm a
laughingstock.
69
00:02:56,957 --> 00:02:57,924
What do I do?
70
00:02:57,959 --> 00:02:59,493
Come on, Quagmire.
It's not so bad.
71
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:01,111
You could kill yourself.
72
00:03:01,145 --> 00:03:02,546
Well, it's just a thought,
73
00:03:02,580 --> 00:03:05,048
but have you ever considered
just embracing your baldness?
74
00:03:05,083 --> 00:03:06,616
Yeah, Brian's right.
75
00:03:06,651 --> 00:03:08,618
You know, there's lots of
big Hollywood celebrities
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00:03:08,653 --> 00:03:10,287
who have gone bald with dignity.
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00:03:10,321 --> 00:03:13,223
John Travolta, David Spade,
Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven...
78
00:03:13,257 --> 00:03:14,574
And besides,
don't you think
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00:03:14,609 --> 00:03:16,793
you'll be happier just
being who you really are?
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00:03:16,828 --> 00:03:18,745
Maybe you're
right. What the hell.
81
00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,814
I mean, wh-what other choice do
I have at this point?
82
00:03:20,848 --> 00:03:22,182
Everybody knows
now anyway.
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00:03:22,216 --> 00:03:23,166
Great.
Trust me.
84
00:03:23,201 --> 00:03:24,951
Nobody's gonna give
you a hard time.
85
00:03:24,986 --> 00:03:26,687
And even if they do,
just ignore them.
86
00:03:26,721 --> 00:03:28,455
That's what I do
with that weekend bully.
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00:03:28,489 --> 00:03:30,457
Hey, your weekend sucks!
88
00:03:30,491 --> 00:03:32,225
I've already
gone on a hike
89
00:03:32,260 --> 00:03:34,494
and fixed a few things
around my house!
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00:03:34,529 --> 00:03:35,595
What are you doing?!
91
00:03:35,630 --> 00:03:36,913
Peter, who is that man?
92
00:03:36,948 --> 00:03:38,432
I don't want to talk
about it.
93
00:03:41,302 --> 00:03:44,338
Dad, there's a weird bald guy
out in front of our house.
94
00:03:44,372 --> 00:03:45,655
Ah, that's just Quagmire.
95
00:03:45,690 --> 00:03:47,758
He's acting all different
now that he's bald.
96
00:03:47,792 --> 00:03:48,792
I'll go talk to him.
97
00:03:49,827 --> 00:03:51,294
Hey, slow down!
98
00:03:51,329 --> 00:03:52,963
Drive like hell,
you'll get there!
99
00:03:52,997 --> 00:03:54,798
Quagmire, what the
hell are you doing?
100
00:03:54,832 --> 00:03:56,800
I'm just letting
all these hot-rodders know
101
00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:59,486
that this is a neighborhood,
not a speedway track.
102
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:00,821
Too fast, too fast!
103
00:04:00,855 --> 00:04:02,956
Our children should not have
to live in fear!
104
00:04:02,990 --> 00:04:04,758
Okay, well, how come
you're not doing this
105
00:04:04,792 --> 00:04:06,193
in front of your own house?
106
00:04:06,227 --> 00:04:08,178
Oh, my ham radio interferes
with the radar gun.
107
00:04:08,212 --> 00:04:10,364
Talked to a fella in Papua
New Guinea last night.
108
00:04:10,398 --> 00:04:12,532
You should come by sometime
and join in the fun.
109
00:04:12,567 --> 00:04:14,201
Hello?
110
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H-Hello?
111
00:04:15,570 --> 00:04:17,371
Are you bald?
112
00:04:17,405 --> 00:04:18,739
Yeah.
113
00:04:22,377 --> 00:04:23,343
Can I help you?
114
00:04:23,378 --> 00:04:25,011
Well, I hope you can, Sharon.
115
00:04:25,046 --> 00:04:28,014
I'd just like to return this
VHS copy of Pete's Dragon.
116
00:04:28,048 --> 00:04:31,017
Watched, enjoyed
and rewound.
117
00:04:31,052 --> 00:04:33,019
Uh, there are a lot
of people waiting.
118
00:04:33,054 --> 00:04:34,688
Is there anything else?
119
00:04:34,722 --> 00:04:36,740
Uh, yes. Do you have
a garbage can back there?
120
00:04:36,774 --> 00:04:39,960
I have the backings to some
Fruit Roll-Ups I need to discard.
121
00:04:39,994 --> 00:04:42,162
I'm sorry. That's for
library trash only.
122
00:04:42,196 --> 00:04:43,814
I understand.
That's okay.
123
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:46,166
I'll just hold on to these
for the rest of the day.
124
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,168
It ain't easy
bein' green, huh?
125
00:04:48,202 --> 00:04:49,703
That's from a song.
126
00:04:49,737 --> 00:04:50,704
Is that all?
127
00:04:50,738 --> 00:04:52,339
Yeah. Is there
an age restriction
128
00:04:52,373 --> 00:04:54,674
for the sleight-of-hand
magic show this afternoon?
129
00:04:54,709 --> 00:04:56,276
Twelve.
Ooh.
130
00:04:56,310 --> 00:04:58,845
Maybe I'll just stand
in the hallway and look in.
131
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,515
Now, we all saw you put
your card back in the deck.
132
00:05:01,549 --> 00:05:04,718
So, how did it end up...
in your shirt pocket?
133
00:05:04,752 --> 00:05:08,455
Oh, my God,
how did he do that?
134
00:05:11,426 --> 00:05:13,794
Oh, no, there's Quagmire.
135
00:05:15,029 --> 00:05:16,496
He's been so
weird lately.
136
00:05:16,531 --> 00:05:18,098
You notice now
that he's bald,
137
00:05:18,132 --> 00:05:20,617
whenever he thinks about something,
he scratches his wrist?
138
00:05:20,651 --> 00:05:22,285
Hey, Quagmire,
we got a pitcher.
139
00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:23,286
You want a beer?
140
00:05:23,321 --> 00:05:24,671
Ehh, I don't think so.
141
00:05:24,705 --> 00:05:26,807
I was planning on looking
at pictures of birds later,
142
00:05:26,841 --> 00:05:28,692
and I don't want to be all
fuzzy-headed for that.
143
00:05:28,726 --> 00:05:30,694
Listen, Quagmire,
we hate you now.
144
00:05:30,728 --> 00:05:32,028
Yeah, you used to be fun.
145
00:05:32,063 --> 00:05:34,381
Yeah, now you're always either
preparing for a colonoscopy
146
00:05:34,415 --> 00:05:36,032
or just coming back
from a colonoscopy.
147
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:37,701
The going on
down there?
148
00:05:37,735 --> 00:05:39,703
Well, that's what we're
trying to figure out.
149
00:05:39,737 --> 00:05:41,387
Come on, we want
our buddy back.
150
00:05:41,405 --> 00:05:43,039
I'm not putting that
toupee on again, Peter.
151
00:05:43,074 --> 00:05:45,475
So... I-I'm not sure
what you want me to do.
152
00:05:45,510 --> 00:05:47,144
You could get
a hair transplant.
153
00:05:47,178 --> 00:05:49,996
Oh, yeah. Like one of those guys
pretending to get out of the pool.
154
00:05:50,031 --> 00:05:51,281
That looks all right.
155
00:05:51,315 --> 00:05:53,183
Yeah, come on, Quagmire.
Get the hair transplant.
156
00:05:53,217 --> 00:05:54,184
Come back to us.
157
00:05:54,218 --> 00:05:56,069
You're right.
This isn't me.
158
00:05:56,103 --> 00:05:58,405
Baldness is for women's
crotches, not men's heads.
159
00:05:58,439 --> 00:06:00,507
There you go,
that's pretty gross.
160
00:06:00,541 --> 00:06:02,175
Yeah, that's the spirit,
Quagmire.
161
00:06:02,210 --> 00:06:04,261
Oh, boy, listen, thanks
for putting up with me
162
00:06:04,295 --> 00:06:05,929
the last couple weeks.
Hey, no problem.
163
00:06:05,963 --> 00:06:08,415
You put up with me
when I was barefoot guy.
164
00:06:08,449 --> 00:06:10,934
Boy, nothing like a beer
with the fellas, eh?
165
00:06:10,968 --> 00:06:13,370
Peter, would you mind
putting on some shoes?
166
00:06:13,404 --> 00:06:14,704
Oh, you mean
foot prisons?
167
00:06:14,739 --> 00:06:15,739
Yes, I would.
168
00:06:18,776 --> 00:06:20,977
Glenn Quagmire?
169
00:06:21,012 --> 00:06:22,579
Why does that name
sound familiar?
170
00:06:22,613 --> 00:06:24,097
Oh, yeah, I treated
you for butt flu.
171
00:06:24,131 --> 00:06:25,482
Hey, you want
to keep it down?
172
00:06:25,516 --> 00:06:27,000
Easy now. That's
my privilege
173
00:06:27,034 --> 00:06:29,035
as a doctor to talk
about that stuff.
174
00:06:31,005 --> 00:06:32,672
How's it going,
Dr. Kamada?
175
00:06:32,690 --> 00:06:34,691
Bob!
176
00:06:35,693 --> 00:06:37,460
Mattaaayy.
177
00:06:37,495 --> 00:06:39,279
Oh, hiya, Rachael.
178
00:06:39,313 --> 00:06:40,947
Oh, hey, Dr. Geller.
179
00:06:40,982 --> 00:06:42,282
Sarah.
180
00:06:42,316 --> 00:06:43,950
Jim.
181
00:06:43,985 --> 00:06:45,452
Merianna.
182
00:06:45,486 --> 00:06:46,620
Geez, Joe.
183
00:06:46,654 --> 00:06:48,054
Yeah, I come here a lot.
184
00:06:48,089 --> 00:06:49,389
All right, I'm gonna
hit the john.
185
00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:52,125
Good. Me and Joe can stay here
and tell secrets.
186
00:06:52,159 --> 00:06:54,661
I'm wearing my dead
grandmother's panties.
187
00:06:54,695 --> 00:06:57,631
I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,
188
00:06:57,665 --> 00:07:00,217
Mr. Pewterschmidt,
but the cancer is terminal.
189
00:07:00,251 --> 00:07:02,335
If you're lucky,
you've got two weeks to live.
190
00:07:02,370 --> 00:07:04,204
I understand.
191
00:07:04,238 --> 00:07:05,472
Oh, my God!
192
00:07:05,506 --> 00:07:07,474
Carter's dying?!
193
00:07:07,508 --> 00:07:11,411
I now declare this
hair transplant officially over!
194
00:07:12,430 --> 00:07:13,563
Hey, hey, hey!
195
00:07:13,598 --> 00:07:14,564
He's back!
196
00:07:14,599 --> 00:07:16,349
You look great,
Quagmire.
197
00:07:17,852 --> 00:07:20,587
Oh, my God. One of my patients
on Two has been shot.
198
00:07:26,275 --> 00:07:27,188
Hey, Stewie.
199
00:07:27,189 --> 00:07:28,490
Um, hey, what's up?
200
00:07:28,524 --> 00:07:30,792
Were you-- were you just
looking at Rollerblades?
201
00:07:30,826 --> 00:07:32,127
What? No.
Yeah, who cares?
202
00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:33,161
What do you want?
203
00:07:33,195 --> 00:07:34,946
Listen, I was at the hospital
earlier,
204
00:07:34,980 --> 00:07:37,182
and I heard something
I wish I hadn't.
205
00:07:37,216 --> 00:07:40,085
Oh, please do not tell me
it was a sexist remark,
206
00:07:40,119 --> 00:07:42,087
because... because
that is not okay.
207
00:07:42,121 --> 00:07:44,422
You know, those nurses
are busting their asses,
208
00:07:44,457 --> 00:07:46,524
weighing people and
seeing how tall they are.
209
00:07:46,559 --> 00:07:50,161
Stewie, I heard a doctor tell
Carter he has two weeks to live.
210
00:07:50,196 --> 00:07:51,896
What? Are you sure?
211
00:07:51,931 --> 00:07:53,398
I saw it with my own eyes.
212
00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:55,300
I gotta check this out.
213
00:07:55,351 --> 00:07:57,118
Oh, my God, you're right!
214
00:07:57,153 --> 00:07:58,336
He looks awful.
215
00:08:00,573 --> 00:08:01,873
Wait, how are
we seeing this?
216
00:08:01,907 --> 00:08:04,242
Oh, I've got a nanny cam
hidden inside his house.
217
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,847
Watching him nail his
cleaning woman is how
218
00:08:05,872 --> 00:08:07,278
I'm learning Spanish.
219
00:08:07,279 --> 00:08:09,814
Although I'm not sure what
the Spanish word "no" means,
220
00:08:09,849 --> 00:08:12,350
because it doesn't seem to mean
the same thing as it does here.
221
00:08:12,385 --> 00:08:14,986
And the worst part is, I don't
think Lois even knows he's sick.
222
00:08:15,020 --> 00:08:17,222
Oh, this is going
to destroy her!
223
00:08:17,256 --> 00:08:19,908
Oh, just thinking about
it makes me all giddy.
224
00:08:19,942 --> 00:08:21,976
Like a group of women
ordering dessert.
225
00:08:22,011 --> 00:08:24,145
And then we have a chocolate,
chocolate cake
226
00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:26,664
that's infused with chocolate served
with chocolate ice cream
227
00:08:26,716 --> 00:08:28,166
and a molten
chocolate topping.
228
00:08:28,217 --> 00:08:30,085
We'll have one of those
with four spoons.
229
00:08:30,119 --> 00:08:32,670
More like four of those
with one spoon for me!
230
00:08:43,949 --> 00:08:45,917
Oh, hi, Brian.
231
00:08:45,951 --> 00:08:47,252
Hey, Lois.
232
00:08:47,286 --> 00:08:50,505
Listen, I have something
I need to tell you, but...
233
00:08:50,539 --> 00:08:52,006
it might be difficult for you
to hear.
234
00:08:52,041 --> 00:08:53,074
What is it?
235
00:08:53,109 --> 00:08:54,409
Lois...
236
00:08:54,443 --> 00:08:56,244
I think your father is dying.
237
00:08:56,278 --> 00:08:57,812
What?!
238
00:08:57,830 --> 00:08:59,114
Ha!
239
00:08:59,148 --> 00:09:00,949
Brian, what are you
talking about?
240
00:09:00,983 --> 00:09:02,584
Well, yesterday at the hospital,
241
00:09:02,618 --> 00:09:05,153
I heard a doctor tell him
he has cancer...
242
00:09:05,187 --> 00:09:07,088
and that he has
two weeks to live.
243
00:09:07,123 --> 00:09:08,523
Oh, my God.
244
00:09:08,557 --> 00:09:10,258
Oh, my God, Daddy!
245
00:09:10,292 --> 00:09:12,093
Yeah, I feel really
horrible for you,
246
00:09:12,128 --> 00:09:13,661
and I hate to do this,
247
00:09:13,696 --> 00:09:15,363
but I'm trying to
catch a 4:50 movie,
248
00:09:15,397 --> 00:09:18,133
and it's, like, 4:40 now, and,
so, if I'm going to make it,
249
00:09:18,167 --> 00:09:20,168
I have to leave,
like, now.
250
00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:26,074
Yeah, this-this stinks,
251
00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:29,277
but I've already blown this guy off,
like, twice, so...
252
00:09:33,532 --> 00:09:35,683
I've been trying to call
my parents all day,
253
00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:37,402
and I can't get
ahold of them.
254
00:09:37,453 --> 00:09:39,571
I'll tell ya, this
obituary came out great.
255
00:09:39,622 --> 00:09:42,824
"Carter Pewterschmidt died
today of the disease cancer.
256
00:09:42,858 --> 00:09:44,576
"In lieu of flowers,
please send
257
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:47,862
carnival rides to Peter Griffin
at 31 Spooner Street."
258
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,664
If we get just one
ride out of this,
259
00:09:49,698 --> 00:09:51,232
it will have
been a success.
260
00:09:55,871 --> 00:09:56,838
Lois?
261
00:09:56,872 --> 00:09:58,239
Wh-What are you
doing here?
262
00:09:58,274 --> 00:10:00,542
Mom, I've been trying
to get ahold of you.
263
00:10:00,576 --> 00:10:02,277
Is Daddy okay?
Where is he?
264
00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:04,078
Oh, he's fine, dear.
265
00:10:04,113 --> 00:10:05,580
But now's not
a good time.
266
00:10:05,614 --> 00:10:06,998
He's very busy.
267
00:10:07,032 --> 00:10:08,733
Look, I know
something's going on.
268
00:10:08,767 --> 00:10:09,868
I want to see him.
269
00:10:12,171 --> 00:10:13,404
Daddy?!
270
00:10:13,439 --> 00:10:16,191
Well, look who's here!
271
00:10:16,225 --> 00:10:18,176
Daddy! You're okay!
272
00:10:18,210 --> 00:10:19,744
Of course I'm okay!
Why wouldn't I be?
273
00:10:19,778 --> 00:10:22,080
Well, Brian said
you were dying!
274
00:10:22,114 --> 00:10:23,281
And I finished a book!
275
00:10:23,315 --> 00:10:25,450
I promised myself
I'd work that in.
276
00:10:25,484 --> 00:10:27,452
I-It's-- I might've
jumped the gun.
277
00:10:27,486 --> 00:10:28,586
I didn't finish it.
278
00:10:28,621 --> 00:10:30,922
I'm so glad
you're all right.
279
00:10:30,956 --> 00:10:33,641
Brian, how could you get us
all worked up like that?!
280
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:35,109
Yeah, shame on you!
281
00:10:35,144 --> 00:10:36,711
Oh, you're gonna
get it, Brian.
282
00:10:36,745 --> 00:10:39,080
You are gonna get it
when I drink.
283
00:10:39,748 --> 00:10:41,366
What the hell's going on?
284
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,967
Last night, Carter was on
his deathbed,
285
00:10:43,002 --> 00:10:44,652
and now he looks better
than he ever did.
286
00:10:44,687 --> 00:10:46,471
Well, they say laughter
is the best medicine.
287
00:10:46,505 --> 00:10:48,439
Maybe he went to a
comedy club or something.
288
00:10:49,825 --> 00:10:50,825
In my neighborhood,
289
00:10:50,860 --> 00:10:52,327
we didn't have no Kool-Aid.
290
00:10:52,361 --> 00:10:54,112
We had food colorin' and water.
291
00:10:54,146 --> 00:10:56,180
Mama used to call it
"Fool-Aid."
292
00:10:56,215 --> 00:10:58,182
No, I don't get that.
293
00:10:58,217 --> 00:10:59,851
And everybody had an Uncle Earl.
294
00:10:59,885 --> 00:11:01,853
You know, that uncle
that sit around in the house
295
00:11:01,887 --> 00:11:04,656
all day in his underdrawers,
saying he "between" jobs.
296
00:11:04,690 --> 00:11:05,990
To be between jobs,
297
00:11:06,025 --> 00:11:08,226
you had to have had a job
in the first place!
298
00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:09,327
That's accurate!
299
00:11:09,361 --> 00:11:11,162
And Earl got that cell phone.
300
00:11:11,196 --> 00:11:12,630
He on the Sprint plan.
301
00:11:12,665 --> 00:11:14,098
When the bill come, he sprint.
302
00:11:14,133 --> 00:11:17,101
Yes! So many of them
are delinquent in payment.
303
00:11:21,273 --> 00:11:22,941
Rupert, move your legs.
304
00:11:22,975 --> 00:11:24,242
I can see your balls.
305
00:11:24,276 --> 00:11:26,227
Stewie, this is
going to sound crazy,
306
00:11:26,262 --> 00:11:28,630
but I have a theory about
what's going on with Carter.
307
00:11:28,664 --> 00:11:29,664
Really? What is it?
308
00:11:29,698 --> 00:11:30,732
Well, think about it.
309
00:11:30,766 --> 00:11:32,033
If Carter Pewterschmidt,
310
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,935
the dynamic chairman of
Pewterschmidt Industries,
311
00:11:33,969 --> 00:11:35,670
were to fall ill
or even die,
312
00:11:35,704 --> 00:11:37,238
the stock price
would plummet.
313
00:11:37,273 --> 00:11:39,107
I don't want you to think
I'm not listening,
314
00:11:39,141 --> 00:11:40,792
but when's Christmas?
Not for a while.
315
00:11:40,826 --> 00:11:42,877
But what I'm saying is,
I think Carter is sick
316
00:11:42,912 --> 00:11:45,713
or possibly even dead,
and that the man we saw today
317
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:47,448
was an imposter
brought in to keep
318
00:11:47,483 --> 00:11:49,317
Pewterschmidt Industries'
stock price up
319
00:11:49,351 --> 00:11:51,319
and to keep people
from knowing the truth.
320
00:11:51,353 --> 00:11:52,987
Boy, you are just
going to keep on talking
321
00:11:53,022 --> 00:11:54,822
with that poppy seed
stuck in your teeth, aren't you?
322
00:11:54,857 --> 00:11:56,090
Anyway, what are you
suggesting?
323
00:11:56,125 --> 00:11:57,775
We can follow him, see
if he's really Carter.
324
00:11:57,810 --> 00:11:59,677
Okay, but I got to be
home by 7:00.
325
00:11:59,712 --> 00:12:01,045
I'm supposed to talk
to the police
326
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:02,347
about that shooting
I witnessed.
327
00:12:04,817 --> 00:12:06,851
Go Lord, are
you all right?
328
00:12:06,885 --> 00:12:08,152
If I die,
329
00:12:08,187 --> 00:12:11,189
leave two dollars
worth of flowers right here.
330
00:12:11,223 --> 00:12:13,808
Here's my fourth grade
class photo.
331
00:12:13,842 --> 00:12:15,843
Lean it against
a cheap candle.
332
00:12:15,878 --> 00:12:17,378
Well, should I call
an ambulance?
333
00:12:17,413 --> 00:12:19,180
No. Call Channel Nine.
334
00:12:19,214 --> 00:12:22,083
And have a gap-toothed
woman say, quote,
335
00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:24,552
"He never bothered nobody."
336
00:12:27,890 --> 00:12:30,391
Okay, if this guy is an
imposter, he's going to have
337
00:12:30,426 --> 00:12:31,759
to do everything
Carter normally does.
338
00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:34,195
We just have to wait
and see if he slips up.
339
00:12:34,229 --> 00:12:35,563
All right,
here he comes now.
340
00:12:41,603 --> 00:12:43,204
All right, Stu, now,
if we can just...
341
00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:44,389
No.
What?
342
00:12:44,423 --> 00:12:45,873
You know what you did.
343
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:47,375
Hey, wait a minute.
344
00:12:47,393 --> 00:12:48,559
If this is an imposter,
345
00:12:48,594 --> 00:12:50,311
then this guy we're following
never had cancer.
346
00:12:50,346 --> 00:12:51,646
Yeah, so?
347
00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:53,731
Well, you're a dog.
Can't you just sniff cancer?
348
00:12:53,766 --> 00:12:55,233
No, that's just a
myth we started
349
00:12:55,267 --> 00:12:57,669
so we could stick our
snouts in girls' boobs.
350
00:12:57,703 --> 00:12:59,771
It's nice to have a
clean bill of health.
351
00:12:59,805 --> 00:13:00,905
Well, for now.
352
00:13:00,939 --> 00:13:02,607
The key is
weekly follow-ups.
353
00:13:02,641 --> 00:13:05,276
You know, cervical cancer
is also a problem.
354
00:13:05,310 --> 00:13:07,478
My boyfriend thinks he
might have prostate cancer.
355
00:13:07,513 --> 00:13:08,846
Nope, doesn't.
356
00:13:14,453 --> 00:13:16,037
Okay, now we've got him.
357
00:13:16,071 --> 00:13:18,339
The real Carter would
never go to a Starbucks.
358
00:13:18,374 --> 00:13:20,942
He thinks they're too
liberal and pretentious.
359
00:13:22,728 --> 00:13:24,295
Coffee for Brent.
360
00:13:25,864 --> 00:13:28,149
Latte for Cecil.
361
00:13:29,818 --> 00:13:31,285
Beanie?
362
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,638
None of those
people are real.
363
00:13:33,672 --> 00:13:36,424
I'm stealing all your
sugar packets and napkins.
364
00:13:36,458 --> 00:13:39,293
Woodstock's over,.
365
00:13:49,655 --> 00:13:52,306
Wow. You certainly
look a lot better
366
00:13:52,341 --> 00:13:53,941
than that walking corpse
I saw last week.
367
00:13:53,976 --> 00:13:55,810
Well, no one's ever
going to see that again,
368
00:13:55,844 --> 00:13:57,145
I can promise you that.
369
00:13:57,179 --> 00:13:58,913
I can't stress how
important it is
370
00:13:58,947 --> 00:14:00,448
our secret be kept
from the public.
371
00:14:00,482 --> 00:14:01,682
I understand, sir.
372
00:14:01,717 --> 00:14:03,918
And I assure you
that Specimen Z
373
00:14:03,952 --> 00:14:05,887
is secure on level 12.
374
00:14:05,921 --> 00:14:07,188
Did you hear that, Brian?
375
00:14:07,222 --> 00:14:09,924
That "walking corpse" was
Carter dying of cancer.
376
00:14:09,958 --> 00:14:11,626
This guy is an imposter.
377
00:14:11,660 --> 00:14:13,027
Oh, my God.
378
00:14:13,062 --> 00:14:15,797
And I bet Specimen Z
is the real Carter's body.
379
00:14:15,831 --> 00:14:17,298
You two didn't
hear that, did you?
380
00:14:17,332 --> 00:14:18,399
Hey, buddy, we're...
381
00:14:18,434 --> 00:14:20,034
we're just trying to
read the paper here.
382
00:14:20,069 --> 00:14:22,103
I'll have you fired
for talking to me like that.
383
00:14:22,137 --> 00:14:23,271
I don't work here.
384
00:14:23,305 --> 00:14:25,173
Then I'll have you killed.
I want to die.
385
00:14:26,208 --> 00:14:28,176
I hated that guy back there.
386
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:33,431
Okay, this is level 12.
387
00:14:33,465 --> 00:14:34,682
There's the lab.
388
00:14:34,716 --> 00:14:36,584
Let's get in there
and find Carter's body.
389
00:14:36,618 --> 00:14:37,985
Oh, crap, there's a keypad.
390
00:14:38,020 --> 00:14:39,837
All right, we're just
going to have to try
391
00:14:39,872 --> 00:14:41,005
and figure out the code.
392
00:14:41,039 --> 00:14:42,173
When's his birthday?
393
00:14:42,207 --> 00:14:43,758
I think it's in March.
394
00:14:43,792 --> 00:14:45,076
Stewie, are you crazy?
395
00:14:45,110 --> 00:14:46,677
That's so loud.
The guards will hear.
396
00:14:46,712 --> 00:14:47,895
Don't worry
about it, Bri...
397
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:49,730
Hey, what's
going on down there?
398
00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:51,299
Nothing.
399
00:14:51,333 --> 00:14:52,834
All right.
400
00:14:52,868 --> 00:14:54,519
All right, now,
where would they keep
401
00:14:54,553 --> 00:14:56,938
a dead body
in a pharmaceutical lab?
402
00:14:56,972 --> 00:14:58,689
Brian, look.
403
00:14:59,992 --> 00:15:02,310
That's it.
I bet he's in there.
404
00:15:11,637 --> 00:15:13,504
Oh, my God.
405
00:15:13,539 --> 00:15:15,973
Specimen Z isn't Carter's body.
406
00:15:16,008 --> 00:15:17,158
What is it?
407
00:15:17,192 --> 00:15:19,894
Specimen Z is a
cure for cancer.
408
00:15:22,364 --> 00:15:24,665
Carter didn't die.
He cured himself.
409
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:26,517
Hold it right there.
410
00:15:26,552 --> 00:15:28,252
Damn it, Brian.
You broke into my lab.
411
00:15:28,287 --> 00:15:29,821
And you didn't wear a suit.
412
00:15:29,855 --> 00:15:32,256
Hey, why didn't he
have to wear a suit?
413
00:15:32,291 --> 00:15:33,691
See what you've started now?
414
00:15:38,745 --> 00:15:41,314
Carter, you've found
a cure for cancer?
415
00:15:41,348 --> 00:15:42,748
Well, I didn't come up with it.
416
00:15:42,783 --> 00:15:44,183
A couple of eggheads
I hired did.
417
00:15:44,218 --> 00:15:46,085
One of them's a Chinese.
418
00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:47,687
Boy, I don't like those people.
419
00:15:47,721 --> 00:15:50,389
But holy crap, wind 'em up
and watch 'em go.
420
00:15:50,424 --> 00:15:51,757
How long have you had this?
421
00:15:51,792 --> 00:15:53,326
I don't know.
When... when was that
422
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,694
"Who Let the Dogs Out?" song?
423
00:15:54,728 --> 00:15:56,562
You've had this since 1999?
424
00:15:56,597 --> 00:15:59,065
You know when "Who Let
the Dogs Out?" came out?
425
00:15:59,099 --> 00:16:01,100
It's a song about dogs
and letting them out.
426
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:03,369
I could have you arrested
for breaking in here.
427
00:16:03,403 --> 00:16:05,922
Carter, you've discovered the
holy grail of modern medicine.
428
00:16:05,956 --> 00:16:08,107
Why the hell would you
keep it buried like this?
429
00:16:08,141 --> 00:16:09,191
I'll tell you why.
430
00:16:09,226 --> 00:16:10,860
Because there's
far more money to be made
431
00:16:10,894 --> 00:16:12,662
in treating a disease
than in curing it.
432
00:16:12,696 --> 00:16:14,497
Why cure someone
of cancer in a day
433
00:16:14,531 --> 00:16:16,198
if we can treat them
for a lifetime
434
00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:17,900
and bill them
every step along the way?
435
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:19,402
What? That's insane.
436
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:21,888
Brian, it's so cold in here,
look how big my nips are.
437
00:16:21,922 --> 00:16:23,656
They're almost like a woman's.
438
00:16:23,690 --> 00:16:27,276
Oh, look, I'm tugging at 'em
and they're getting even bigger.
439
00:16:27,311 --> 00:16:28,744
Carter, what you're
doing here is criminal,
440
00:16:28,779 --> 00:16:30,863
and I'm going to tell the
whole world about it.
441
00:16:30,898 --> 00:16:32,498
Is that right?
Who's going to believe you?
442
00:16:32,532 --> 00:16:33,733
The Internet?
443
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:36,035
You'll be just another nut-job,
left-wing blogger.
444
00:16:36,069 --> 00:16:37,403
Security!
445
00:16:37,437 --> 00:16:38,571
Everything's fine.
446
00:16:38,605 --> 00:16:39,939
No, it isn't. Get in here.
447
00:16:41,608 --> 00:16:43,459
Ah! Damn it! You bastards.
448
00:16:43,510 --> 00:16:45,478
I don't know why you're
surprised by this, Brian.
449
00:16:45,512 --> 00:16:47,313
Big corporations
never tell the truth.
450
00:16:47,347 --> 00:16:49,382
ok at the
Kleenex industry.
451
00:16:49,416 --> 00:16:50,750
Well, we had another
good quarter.
452
00:16:50,784 --> 00:16:52,952
I guess a lot of people
are sneezing out there.
453
00:16:52,986 --> 00:16:54,820
Jerry, I'm going to let you
in on something,
454
00:16:54,855 --> 00:16:56,589
and it can't
leave this room.
455
00:16:56,623 --> 00:16:57,757
Our research shows
456
00:16:57,791 --> 00:16:59,992
the primary use
of our product is sperm.
457
00:17:00,027 --> 00:17:01,127
What?
458
00:17:01,161 --> 00:17:02,695
Yeah, and brace
yourself for this.
459
00:17:02,729 --> 00:17:05,498
The second biggest use
is women crying about nonsense.
460
00:17:05,532 --> 00:17:06,999
But I thought
sneezing was...
461
00:17:07,034 --> 00:17:09,952
Jerry, Jerry,
it's sperm and nonsense.
462
00:17:12,406 --> 00:17:13,539
I can't believe Carter
463
00:17:13,573 --> 00:17:15,291
would sacrifice
millions of lives
464
00:17:15,325 --> 00:17:16,792
just to protect
corporate profits.
465
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,127
Well, don't be too upset.
466
00:17:18,161 --> 00:17:19,412
Old Stewie here snagged
467
00:17:19,446 --> 00:17:21,297
a little souvenir
on his way out.
468
00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:22,715
Oh, my God, Stewie.
469
00:17:22,749 --> 00:17:23,949
You got the cancer cure.
470
00:17:23,967 --> 00:17:25,334
How'd you manage to steal it?
471
00:17:25,385 --> 00:17:26,969
Oh, it was easy--
I just took it
472
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,387
while you guys
were yammering on.
473
00:17:28,422 --> 00:17:30,139
I swear, I felt
like I was waiting
474
00:17:30,173 --> 00:17:31,757
for Lois to get
off the phone.
475
00:17:31,791 --> 00:17:33,426
Well, that is amazing.
476
00:17:33,460 --> 00:17:34,627
All right, Bonnie.
477
00:17:34,661 --> 00:17:36,295
Well, it was good
talking to you.
478
00:17:36,330 --> 00:17:38,264
No way. She did?
479
00:17:38,298 --> 00:17:39,865
When did she say that?
480
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:41,133
You know what?
481
00:17:41,168 --> 00:17:44,036
That doesn't surprise me.
That's how she is.
482
00:17:44,071 --> 00:17:46,305
Okay, then. Okay.
483
00:17:46,340 --> 00:17:48,407
Okay. Okay.
484
00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:50,343
All right,
I'll see you Tuesday.
485
00:17:50,377 --> 00:17:53,396
Oh, no. What happened?
486
00:17:53,430 --> 00:17:55,197
That's terrible.
487
00:17:55,232 --> 00:17:57,833
Oh, my God, just awful.
488
00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,702
Well, you
give them my best.
489
00:17:59,736 --> 00:18:01,170
Okay, I got to go.
490
00:18:01,204 --> 00:18:03,239
Stewie and I are headed
out to the beach.
491
00:18:03,273 --> 00:18:04,807
Oh, I didn't tell you?
492
00:18:04,841 --> 00:18:06,442
He's learning to swim.
493
00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:08,778
Oh, I got him
the cutest swim trunks.
494
00:18:08,812 --> 00:18:10,229
At Kohl's.
495
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:12,164
You've never
been to Kohl's?
496
00:18:12,199 --> 00:18:14,166
Well, let me tell you
about Kohl's.
497
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:17,620
All right, well, you know
the mall with the Chili's?
498
00:18:17,654 --> 00:18:19,055
It's across the street.
499
00:18:20,290 --> 00:18:21,757
Bonnie?
Bonnie, are you there?
500
00:18:21,792 --> 00:18:23,693
- What happened?
- Let's go!
501
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:28,531
Oh, there you two are.
502
00:18:28,565 --> 00:18:29,799
Lois, there's
something incredible
503
00:18:29,833 --> 00:18:30,966
I have to tell you.
504
00:18:31,001 --> 00:18:32,101
And there's
something incredible
505
00:18:32,135 --> 00:18:33,402
I have to show you.
506
00:18:33,437 --> 00:18:36,038
I learned how to
do a somersault.
507
00:18:37,407 --> 00:18:38,741
Did I do it?
508
00:18:38,792 --> 00:18:40,443
There he is.
509
00:18:40,477 --> 00:18:42,545
Crap.
510
00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:44,547
Daddy? What's going on here?
511
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:47,783
Brian here has stolen something
very important from me.
512
00:18:47,818 --> 00:18:50,036
Give it to me, Brian.
513
00:18:50,070 --> 00:18:51,854
Lois, your father
has a cure for cancer,
514
00:18:51,888 --> 00:18:53,906
but he won't release it
because it's not profitable.
515
00:18:53,940 --> 00:18:55,408
So I stole it.
516
00:18:55,442 --> 00:18:56,942
Daddy, is this true?
517
00:18:56,977 --> 00:18:58,260
Yeah. So what?
518
00:18:58,295 --> 00:19:00,563
So I found the cure for cancer
and didn't announce it.
519
00:19:00,597 --> 00:19:02,231
Big deal.
I also took a dump today
520
00:19:02,265 --> 00:19:03,599
and didn't issue
a press release.
521
00:19:03,650 --> 00:19:05,401
Oh, that's interesting,
because I did.
522
00:19:05,435 --> 00:19:06,969
Good for Peter.
523
00:19:07,003 --> 00:19:09,572
It's about time the media
covered something positive.
524
00:19:09,606 --> 00:19:12,174
Daddy, you're the chairman
of a billion dollar company.
525
00:19:12,209 --> 00:19:13,876
You've got more
money than anyone
526
00:19:13,910 --> 00:19:15,544
could ever spend
in one lifetime.
527
00:19:15,579 --> 00:19:18,414
Are you challenging me
to a Brewster's Millions?
528
00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:20,416
Is money all that
you care about?
529
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,685
What if somebody close
to you got cancer?
530
00:19:22,719 --> 00:19:25,087
What if... what if the
maid who raised you
531
00:19:25,122 --> 00:19:27,940
'cause your parents were too
wealthy and busy got cancer?
532
00:19:27,974 --> 00:19:29,141
You mean Mamie?
533
00:19:29,176 --> 00:19:31,177
Yeah.
What if Mamie got cancer?
534
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:32,845
Mamie's not getting cancer!
535
00:19:32,879 --> 00:19:34,146
Or how about one of us?
536
00:19:34,181 --> 00:19:36,449
What if I got cancer
or, God forbid,
537
00:19:36,483 --> 00:19:38,284
one of your grandchildren?
538
00:19:38,318 --> 00:19:41,620
For once in your life,
do the right thing.
539
00:19:41,655 --> 00:19:43,222
All right, pumpkin.
540
00:19:43,256 --> 00:19:44,590
I'll do it.
541
00:19:44,624 --> 00:19:46,358
I'll do it for you.
542
00:19:46,393 --> 00:19:48,461
You will? You promise?
543
00:19:48,495 --> 00:19:49,528
Yes.
544
00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:50,963
I'll make the
announcement tomorrow.
545
00:19:50,997 --> 00:19:52,298
Oh, Daddy.
546
00:19:52,332 --> 00:19:53,399
Thank you so much.
547
00:19:53,433 --> 00:19:55,134
You're my hero.
548
00:19:55,168 --> 00:19:57,703
Oh, that's her father?
549
00:20:01,708 --> 00:20:02,908
Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker.
550
00:20:02,943 --> 00:20:04,643
Our top story:
a big announcement
551
00:20:04,678 --> 00:20:06,779
out of Pewterschmidt
Pharmaceuticals today.
552
00:20:09,149 --> 00:20:10,583
Company chairman
Carter Pewterschmidt
553
00:20:10,617 --> 00:20:12,284
released a statement
announcing the launch
554
00:20:12,319 --> 00:20:14,353
of a deodorant
for the developmentally disabled
555
00:20:14,387 --> 00:20:15,921
called Slow Stick.
556
00:20:15,956 --> 00:20:19,758
It's also edible because,
you know, those people...
557
00:20:19,793 --> 00:20:22,027
don't, uh... don't know...
558
00:20:22,062 --> 00:20:23,529
And now sports.
559
00:20:23,563 --> 00:20:25,097
That's it?
What the hell?
560
00:20:25,132 --> 00:20:27,133
Where's the cancer
cure announcement?
561
00:20:27,167 --> 00:20:30,002
That son of a bitch
went back on his word.
562
00:20:31,288 --> 00:20:32,588
Hello.
563
00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:34,890
Daddy, we're all sitting here
in front of the TV
564
00:20:34,925 --> 00:20:36,358
awaiting the big announcement.
565
00:20:36,393 --> 00:20:39,628
Remember the one that's
going to benefit all mankind?
566
00:20:39,663 --> 00:20:42,531
The one you promised to make
for me, your daughter?
567
00:20:42,566 --> 00:20:44,200
I lied.
568
00:20:44,234 --> 00:20:45,768
Lois, you can't
stay mad at him.
569
00:20:45,802 --> 00:20:47,203
He's rich and successful.
570
00:20:47,237 --> 00:20:48,671
It doesn't excuse
what he did.
571
00:20:48,705 --> 00:20:49,822
It'll be fine.
572
00:20:49,856 --> 00:20:51,457
He'll just do
a magazine cover
573
00:20:51,491 --> 00:20:53,993
with a wink to who he is,
and all will be forgiven.
574
00:20:55,929 --> 00:20:57,396
Oh, Daddy.
575
00:20:57,421 --> 00:21:00,354
I know. If he's such a bad
guy, why's he on a magazine?
576
00:21:03,207 --> 00:21:08,207
== sync, corrected by elderman ==