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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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You guys know what this meeting's about?
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- No idea.
- How about you, Morning Breath Mike?
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(BREATHILY): I have no idea.
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Listen up, everyone.
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Sales are down across the board,
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but mostly we're failing to connect
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with a group called "millennials."
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I saw this guy cry one time.
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To learn more
about our target demographic,
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we're all gonna watch
this instructional video.
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ANNOUNCER: News on the March
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Millennials. Who are they?
What do the want?
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A millennial can be defined
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as anyone born between 1982 and 2000.
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Or anyone who thinks loving
sriracha or Austin, Texas,
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counts as a personality.
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Millennials crave things like:
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Instant gratification,
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authentic experiences,
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and, for some reason
we haven't figured out yet,
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improv comedy.
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Here's one millennial who has a parakeet
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with nine million followers on Snapchat.
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Here's another
who singlehandedly started
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the hashtags that cancelled
12 network TV shows
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she found offensive.
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And now I'm told
she identifies as a man,
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so I'm being fired.
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ANNOUNCER 2 (SIMILAR VOICE):
Hello. I'm your new announcer.
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And actually, he was just about done.
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Thank you and good day.
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So please welcome someone who's
gonna help us reach millennials,
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our new head of social media, Hammer.
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(PHONE CHIMES)
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Oh. He just group-texted us "hello."
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- (CHIME)
- And now here comes a text
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from the guy who doesn't know
this is a group text.
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"Nice to meet you, Hammer.
Let's have lunch later,
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and I'll tell you who's gay."
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Right on. 'Sup? I'm Hammer.
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Uh, first I'd like
to not thank you for hiring me,
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because I just expect
good things to happen to me
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without working for them.
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Second, I'd like to give you all
a list of my trigger warnings.
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What's a trigger warning?
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Actually, brah, asking me
what a trigger warning is
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is one of my triggers, brah.
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I feel traumatized, brah.
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And now I'm tweeting about you, brah.
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And now you're trending, brah.
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And now your life is ruined, brah.
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And now you're fired, brah.
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What... what happened to Brah?
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Also, the lack of diversity here
is horrifying, brah.
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Uh, Brah is gone.
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Now, if we want to get
some social media attention,
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we got to start with a group selfie.
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Um, excuse me. Didn't Ellen
do this, like, three years ago?
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Hey, does Taye Diggs
follow you on Twitter?
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No, but Kraft Singles does.
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That's what I thought.
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(CLICKS)
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And... posted.
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Do you know what I just did?
I just made you all viral.
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Also, my band is playing tonight
at an inconvenient time.
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It's six un-showered guys
and a pale woman with a ukulele
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shouting "Hey!" in unison.
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Because that's what music is now.
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♪ ♪
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♪ Hey! ♪
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♪ Hey! ♪
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What is this?
They just keep saying "hey."
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I know. It's my favorite song.
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Oh, 'cause "hay" is for horses.
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Hey, guys.
You want to have a smoke break?
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What? We can't smoke inside.
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It's not smoking, Peter. It's vaping.
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Everyone's doing it... Even Darth Vaper.
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(AMPLIFIED INHALE, EXHALE)
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(LIKE DARTH VADER): I find
your lack of vape disturbing.
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Come on, Peter, give it a shot.
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What happened? All of a sudden
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I feel like I know better
than everyone else!
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That's because anytime
someone walks through a cloud
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of vape smoke, a millennial is born.
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I think I feel it!
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Broad City is so funny.
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No, Broad City is genius.
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No, no. Broad City is everything!
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There it is. Grossly exaggerating
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the quality of a just-okay TV show.
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Peter, you're officially a millennial.
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Hey, you want a ride
in the Millennial Falcon?
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Ah, look at that...
We found another one!
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Peter, a rite of passage
for any millennial
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is attending Coachella.
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It's a great place to see bands
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that are either really new
or really old.
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- Which one should we see?
- Well, on the main stage,
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it's Tame Impala that formed
in an UberPOOL on the way here.
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And on the side stage,
it's "Neil Young asleep"
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in front of the television."
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(CROWD SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
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I always get him confused with
Bloom County's Bill the Cat.
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Peter, you're doing great
as a millennial.
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Next thing is you got to learn
how to be on Fleek.
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"On fleek"? People still say "on fleek"?
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No, Peter, that's not what I meant.
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I want you on Fleek.
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This is Fleek.
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Oh, can I ride him?!
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Sure, Peter. Get on Fleek.
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♪ ♪
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Yay!
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♪ ♪
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Our country's involved
in six different wars,
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but millennials think about this stuff.
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Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere
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when you can ride
something weird instead.
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What's that?
Sorry, I was taking a selfie
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while shooting a Snapchat
while Periscoping that Snapchat
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while Instagramming latte art
while Shazaming The Weekend
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while streaming Master of None
while retweeting George Takei
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while saying, "This wins the Internet!"
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while still being ♪soooo bored.
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Hammer?
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Hammer? Come on, man, don't
make me look up from my phone.
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- (CHIME)
- Oh, you're texting me.
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Oh, no! Hammer!
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You! Call 911!
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You! Give me your shirt
to make a tourniquet!
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You! Snap a pic.
Clarendon filter. Clarendon!
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Hammer, stay with me, buddy.
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Peter, if I die,
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chop my body up
and serve me as street tacos.
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So selfless.
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No! I won't let you be made into tacos!
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(WHEEZING): Peter... it's-it's too late.
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Listen, I've got this idea
for a business, and...
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I want you to have it.
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It's artisanal.
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A-Artisanal...
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Artisanal what? Is it pretzels?
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Is it artisanal pretzels?!
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Has that been done?
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Does anyone know if
artisanal pretzels is a thing?
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It seems so obvious, yet I
don't think I've ever seen them.
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I better do millennial CPR.
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One... ugh, whatever...
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Two... ugh, whatever...
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Three... ugh, I'm gonna let
my parents take care of this.
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I've never been to a millennial funeral.
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Yeah, it seems in poor taste
that they hired Keyboard Cat.
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(PLAYING JAUNTY SONG)
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Assembled congregants,
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no worries to you.
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CONGREGATION: And also to you.
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Let us tweet.
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Peter, why is he naked in there?
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It's an environmental statement.
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Lois, please stop looking
at my dead friend's dong.
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Listen, I made breakfast and drove,
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so if there's a dead dong,
I'm gonna look at it!
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We've all lost
a great friend-slash-barista-
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slash-deejay-
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slash-Genius Bar employee-
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slash-person with a yellow highlighter
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at the Best Buy exit.
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And now a reading
from the book of JustJared.
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"Death be the ultimate fail."
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Peter, I hate to do this here,
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but you were good friends with Hammer,
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and business at the brewery must go on.
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That's why, as of today,
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I'm making you head of social media.
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Hey, whatever you want.
I'm a team player.
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I was even one of the 300.
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Hey, does 299 work?
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'Cause I got to go diarrhea
off the cliff.
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TV ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Marvel's The Offenders.
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BILL COSBY: Good morning, you see.
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I gathered you all together...
Kevin Spacey,
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Roman Polanski...
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(LIKE FAT ALBERT): Hey, hey, hey...
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00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:50,659
Woody Allen, Steven Seagal,
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00:08:50,694 --> 00:08:53,395
Matt Lauer with the Pudding Pop,
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00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:54,630
Brett Ratner,
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00:08:54,665 --> 00:08:58,600
and you, lesser-known offender
James Toback.
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MAN (LIKE INCREDIBLE HULK):
Don't forget me!
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00:09:00,271 --> 00:09:01,370
(BOOMING STEPS)
201
00:09:01,405 --> 00:09:03,038
Harvey shower!
202
00:09:03,073 --> 00:09:05,407
(STAMMERS): I-I...
I-Is Matt Damon coming?
203
00:09:05,442 --> 00:09:07,676
No, but he knows about all of us.
204
00:09:07,711 --> 00:09:11,947
He's very aware of what's
going on here, you see.
205
00:09:11,982 --> 00:09:14,483
All right, guys, I got to come
up with some social media ideas
206
00:09:14,518 --> 00:09:15,851
for the brewery. What do ya got?
207
00:09:15,886 --> 00:09:17,919
Oh, you want viral?
You asked the right guy.
208
00:09:17,955 --> 00:09:19,955
You remember Leeroy Jenkins?
209
00:09:19,990 --> 00:09:21,623
- Yeah.
- Right.
210
00:09:21,659 --> 00:09:24,126
- What do you mean, "right"?
- You know, Leeroy Jenkins.
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00:09:24,161 --> 00:09:25,794
- What about him?
- Do that.
212
00:09:25,829 --> 00:09:27,896
Joe, you can't... That already happened.
213
00:09:27,931 --> 00:09:29,965
Do it again. This time with beer.
214
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,633
Hang on a sec.
215
00:09:39,677 --> 00:09:42,311
- Thank you.
- How about some fruit in the beer?
216
00:09:42,346 --> 00:09:44,680
No, guys, we need
social media-specific plans
217
00:09:44,715 --> 00:09:46,148
to reach a younger audience.
218
00:09:46,183 --> 00:09:48,317
JOE: You remember
"Charlie Bit My Finger"?
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00:09:49,320 --> 00:09:50,585
Do that.
220
00:09:50,621 --> 00:09:52,587
You know what? I give up.
We've given this...
221
00:09:52,623 --> 00:09:53,855
what, almost a minute?
222
00:09:53,891 --> 00:09:55,557
Peter, that's the problem
with kids today...
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00:09:55,592 --> 00:09:57,059
They have no attention span.
224
00:09:57,094 --> 00:09:58,627
Wait. That's it!
225
00:09:58,662 --> 00:10:01,196
We'll do a show for people
with no attention span.
226
00:10:01,231 --> 00:10:04,166
We'll call it The Six Second Talk Show.
227
00:10:04,201 --> 00:10:06,501
Well, I guess that could work.
But it's just so sad
228
00:10:06,537 --> 00:10:07,836
that young people can't pay attention
229
00:10:07,871 --> 00:10:09,271
to something longer than six sec...
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00:10:11,041 --> 00:10:13,642
- (GRUNTS)
- MAN: Oh, oh, my God.
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00:10:13,677 --> 00:10:14,910
JOE and PETER and CLEVELAND: Whoa!
232
00:10:14,945 --> 00:10:16,611
What the hell, you guys? I was talking.
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00:10:16,647 --> 00:10:19,081
You know, there's more to life
than just what's on your phone.
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00:10:19,116 --> 00:10:20,315
Wrong, idiot.
235
00:10:20,351 --> 00:10:23,752
(BEEPING)
236
00:10:23,787 --> 00:10:26,288
Anyone know how
to turn these things off?
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00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:32,094
All right, Six Second Talk Show
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00:10:32,129 --> 00:10:34,229
in three, two...
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00:10:34,264 --> 00:10:36,531
I'm Peter Griffin, and this is
the Six Second Talk Show.
240
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:38,066
My guest tonight is Joe Biden.
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00:10:38,102 --> 00:10:40,569
And that's all the time we have.
Thanks for watching. Good night.
242
00:10:40,604 --> 00:10:42,437
- How was that?
- Eh, it kind of dragged.
243
00:10:43,374 --> 00:10:45,006
Well, Congress is at it again.
244
00:10:45,042 --> 00:10:46,108
Good night.
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00:10:48,512 --> 00:10:50,212
CLEVELAND:
It's The Six Second Talk Show,
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00:10:50,247 --> 00:10:54,316
and now, your host, here...
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00:10:56,854 --> 00:10:58,587
Welcome to The Six Second Talk Show.
248
00:10:58,622 --> 00:11:01,823
I'm Peter Griffin, and now our
musical guest, Barenaked Ladies.
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00:11:01,859 --> 00:11:03,558
- ♪ It's been... ♪
- I'd like to thank our musical guest,
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00:11:03,594 --> 00:11:04,826
Barenaked Ladies. Good night.
251
00:11:08,132 --> 00:11:09,598
Peter, I can't believe your talk show
252
00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:11,800
is such a huge hit for the brewery.
253
00:11:11,835 --> 00:11:15,170
And thanks to that, I'm now
a huge social media star.
254
00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:19,674
Oh, my God, what the hell is that?
255
00:11:19,710 --> 00:11:20,976
Hello, Griffin family.
256
00:11:21,011 --> 00:11:23,445
I'm coming to you live,
via living room hologram.
257
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:26,047
I'm Parker Stanton, CEO of Boop,
258
00:11:26,083 --> 00:11:28,717
the most powerful company
in Silicon Valley.
259
00:11:28,752 --> 00:11:30,218
- Do you know Mr. Skin?
- Do you know Mr. Skin?
260
00:11:30,254 --> 00:11:31,586
- Ah!
- Ah!
261
00:11:31,622 --> 00:11:32,954
- We'll talk later.
- We'll talk later.
262
00:11:32,990 --> 00:11:34,689
Look, Peter, the reason I'm here
263
00:11:34,725 --> 00:11:36,625
is because of your Six Second Talk Show.
264
00:11:36,660 --> 00:11:38,226
Now, I haven't had the time to watch it,
265
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,362
but I hear it's the buzz
of Silicon Valley.
266
00:11:40,397 --> 00:11:42,998
I want you and your family
to visit us here as my guests,
267
00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:45,267
so I can find out
what the next big thing is.
268
00:11:45,302 --> 00:11:46,802
Oh, I-I got lots of ideas.
269
00:11:46,837 --> 00:11:50,071
I've been working on something
called "Look At It, Kick It."
270
00:11:50,107 --> 00:11:52,407
(FOOTSTEPS)
271
00:11:52,443 --> 00:11:53,975
PETER: Look at it...
272
00:11:54,011 --> 00:11:55,744
MAN: Excuse me, can I help you?
273
00:11:55,779 --> 00:11:57,345
- PETER: Kick it!
- (SCREAMS)
274
00:11:57,381 --> 00:11:58,847
Pure genius.
275
00:11:58,882 --> 00:12:01,416
See you in Silicon Valley.
276
00:12:01,452 --> 00:12:02,818
Oh, this is exciting.
277
00:12:02,853 --> 00:12:04,119
A family trip.
278
00:12:04,154 --> 00:12:05,587
Yeah, I love traveling.
279
00:12:05,622 --> 00:12:07,856
Oh, except that trip to Europe
where we spent most of our time
280
00:12:07,891 --> 00:12:10,158
trying to refold our map.
281
00:12:10,194 --> 00:12:12,160
All right, the museum is that way,
282
00:12:12,196 --> 00:12:14,196
so let's fold the map and go.
283
00:12:18,268 --> 00:12:20,635
Okay, couple more folds...
284
00:12:20,671 --> 00:12:22,437
Nope, okay, wrong end.
285
00:12:22,473 --> 00:12:23,839
Now, let's see...
286
00:12:23,874 --> 00:12:25,340
Nope, nope, that's wrong...
287
00:12:25,375 --> 00:12:26,541
Find the corners.
288
00:12:26,577 --> 00:12:27,776
It's not a puzzle, Chris.
289
00:12:27,811 --> 00:12:29,478
Y-You got to fold on the creases.
290
00:12:29,513 --> 00:12:30,812
I'd be able to find the creases
291
00:12:30,848 --> 00:12:33,014
if somebody had folded it
correctly last time.
292
00:12:33,050 --> 00:12:34,516
I did fold it correctly.
293
00:12:34,551 --> 00:12:36,585
Nope, you didn't, and then,
you jammed it into a backpack
294
00:12:36,620 --> 00:12:37,919
and now I'm in this mess.
295
00:12:37,955 --> 00:12:39,554
Don't blame me, you ripped it up
296
00:12:39,590 --> 00:12:41,723
when you were tearing through
the backpack for your snacks.
297
00:12:41,758 --> 00:12:44,092
Okay, this is why I wanted
to bring a globe, all right?
298
00:12:44,127 --> 00:12:45,427
You don't have to fold a globe.
299
00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:48,330
Who the hell would bring
a globe on vacation?
300
00:12:48,365 --> 00:12:50,031
See, Bon? We're eating food,
301
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:52,200
and they're tearing each other apart.
302
00:12:52,236 --> 00:12:55,203
(FRENCH ACCENT):
Where to next, mon chéri?
303
00:13:00,377 --> 00:13:01,943
Welcome to Boop.
304
00:13:01,979 --> 00:13:04,713
As our name suggests,
our mainframe connects to
305
00:13:04,748 --> 00:13:07,716
and powers virtually
every server on the globe.
306
00:13:07,751 --> 00:13:10,819
Without Boop, there is no Internet.
307
00:13:10,854 --> 00:13:12,287
Hey, Parker. Are we still on
308
00:13:12,322 --> 00:13:14,689
for the Samsung Galaxy Note
meeting after lunch?
309
00:13:14,725 --> 00:13:16,157
Yep. Are-are the test results in?
310
00:13:16,193 --> 00:13:17,459
Yeah, but...
311
00:13:17,494 --> 00:13:19,794
(CHUCKLING): Let's save it
for the meeting.
312
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:20,929
Where's your nearest bathroom?
313
00:13:20,964 --> 00:13:21,997
Gender-fluid?
314
00:13:22,032 --> 00:13:24,099
Yes, there will be a lot of that.
315
00:13:25,936 --> 00:13:29,504
Hmm, must be one of them
high-tech Japanese toilets.
316
00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:30,705
(ZIPS)
317
00:13:30,741 --> 00:13:34,776
♪ I'm gonna pee into electrical urinal ♪
318
00:13:34,811 --> 00:13:37,045
♪ And make the sparks go higher. ♪
319
00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,180
I'm having so much fun.
320
00:13:39,216 --> 00:13:41,750
(WHIRRING)
321
00:13:41,785 --> 00:13:43,818
What the hell is going on?
322
00:13:43,854 --> 00:13:45,787
Our mainframe is having a meltdown!
323
00:13:45,822 --> 00:13:47,255
Hang on, let me flush.
324
00:13:47,291 --> 00:13:48,957
(ALARM RINGING)
325
00:13:48,992 --> 00:13:50,225
You idiot.
326
00:13:50,260 --> 00:13:52,027
You shut down the entire Internet.
327
00:13:52,062 --> 00:13:53,395
How could you do that?
328
00:13:53,430 --> 00:13:55,564
This is the most irresponsible
thing that I've ever...
329
00:13:55,599 --> 00:13:57,432
PARKER: Although I was
incensed by this man,
330
00:13:57,467 --> 00:14:00,735
I had to admire his courage
for leaving his penis out
331
00:14:00,771 --> 00:14:02,804
the entire time I was yelling at him.
332
00:14:02,839 --> 00:14:05,307
As a man who struggles
with body dysmorphia,
333
00:14:05,342 --> 00:14:06,875
I couldn't help but be impressed
334
00:14:06,910 --> 00:14:09,177
by that kind of self-confidence.
335
00:14:09,212 --> 00:14:11,980
PETER: As I stood there,
being berated by this man,
336
00:14:12,015 --> 00:14:15,083
I couldn't help but notice
his searching gaze.
337
00:14:15,118 --> 00:14:17,052
Years later,
we would bump into each other
338
00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:20,221
at a small cafe in Rome and
reminisce about this moment.
339
00:14:20,257 --> 00:14:23,558
And later still, recreate it
in a small bed and breakfast
340
00:14:23,594 --> 00:14:25,360
at the bottom of the Spanish Steps.
341
00:14:25,395 --> 00:14:27,729
But that's a story for another time.
342
00:14:27,764 --> 00:14:30,832
Or, as they say in Italian, molto homo.
343
00:14:37,371 --> 00:14:38,670
(GRUNTS)
344
00:14:38,705 --> 00:14:40,305
Peter, you've done some stupid things,
345
00:14:40,340 --> 00:14:42,774
but crashing the Internet has
to be the dumbest yet.
346
00:14:42,809 --> 00:14:45,744
Look at the chaos you've caused.
347
00:14:45,779 --> 00:14:48,213
- (SIRENS WAILING)
- (PEOPLE SCREAMING)
348
00:14:48,248 --> 00:14:50,949
I have no idea
how to drive without texting.
349
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,986
Why can't I post this video?
350
00:14:55,022 --> 00:14:57,122
- Hello.
- What did you say?
351
00:14:57,157 --> 00:14:59,424
Why aren't you looking
at your phone, you psycho?
352
00:14:59,459 --> 00:15:01,092
Why is no one liking my posts?
353
00:15:01,128 --> 00:15:02,494
Well, I hate all your posts!
354
00:15:02,529 --> 00:15:03,628
Hello.
355
00:15:03,664 --> 00:15:05,897
(SCREAMS)
356
00:15:12,239 --> 00:15:14,472
Hello.
357
00:15:14,508 --> 00:15:15,574
Peter, Lois is right.
358
00:15:15,609 --> 00:15:16,841
This mess is all your fault.
359
00:15:16,877 --> 00:15:18,209
Settle down, Brian.
360
00:15:18,245 --> 00:15:20,378
I'm sure life will be just fine
without the Internet.
361
00:15:20,414 --> 00:15:23,281
Maybe we can even go see
that Amish comedian.
362
00:15:23,317 --> 00:15:24,783
Sir, where are you from?
363
00:15:24,818 --> 00:15:25,884
MAN: Chicago.
364
00:15:25,919 --> 00:15:27,586
I have never been to Chicago.
365
00:15:27,621 --> 00:15:28,820
How about you, sir?
366
00:15:28,855 --> 00:15:29,888
MAN 2: Boston!
367
00:15:29,923 --> 00:15:31,423
I have never been to Boston.
368
00:15:31,458 --> 00:15:34,960
Anyone here from the back fields
of Pennsylvania, Ohio
369
00:15:34,995 --> 00:15:36,127
or upstate New York?
370
00:15:36,163 --> 00:15:37,295
MAN 3: No!
371
00:15:37,331 --> 00:15:40,432
Then I have been Jebediah, son of Abner.
372
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:42,500
(MICROPHONE DISTORTION)
373
00:15:42,536 --> 00:15:44,402
How are we gonna get back
to the airport?
374
00:15:44,438 --> 00:15:46,404
There's no Internet,
which means there's no GPS,
375
00:15:46,440 --> 00:15:47,906
which means we can't use Uber.
376
00:15:47,941 --> 00:15:49,307
Okay, I have a crazy idea.
377
00:15:49,343 --> 00:15:50,475
Let's get a cab.
378
00:15:50,510 --> 00:15:52,177
There's a taxi stand.
379
00:15:53,213 --> 00:15:55,113
Dead.
380
00:15:55,148 --> 00:15:56,214
Dead...
381
00:15:56,249 --> 00:15:57,549
Dead.
382
00:15:57,584 --> 00:15:58,650
Barely alive.
383
00:15:58,685 --> 00:15:59,784
To the airport.
384
00:16:02,823 --> 00:16:04,889
Now, because you can't stare
at your phone anymore,
385
00:16:04,925 --> 00:16:08,793
enjoy a disturbingly loud clip
of Jimmy Fallon on cab TV.
386
00:16:08,829 --> 00:16:11,196
Tonight, get ready to lose
all respect for Al Pacino
387
00:16:11,231 --> 00:16:13,798
when I force him to play a game
meant for children!
388
00:16:13,834 --> 00:16:14,899
This.
389
00:16:14,935 --> 00:16:16,801
This is why Uber.
390
00:16:20,474 --> 00:16:24,242
No Netflix, no Hulu, no Amazon...
391
00:16:24,277 --> 00:16:25,877
I'm so bored.
392
00:16:25,912 --> 00:16:27,712
Come on, Meg, you're overreacting.
393
00:16:27,748 --> 00:16:29,447
We still got network TV.
394
00:16:29,483 --> 00:16:33,184
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Kevin Can Wait on CBS.
395
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:34,352
Well, that's not gonna work.
396
00:16:34,388 --> 00:16:35,887
Okay, everybody, don't panic.
397
00:16:35,922 --> 00:16:38,223
We'll just do what people did
before the Internet.
398
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,391
We can play charades.
399
00:16:39,426 --> 00:16:41,192
Oh, you mean like your marriage?
400
00:16:41,228 --> 00:16:43,228
Chris, I told you that in confidence.
401
00:16:43,263 --> 00:16:44,629
Dad, you got to do something.
402
00:16:44,665 --> 00:16:46,464
Nobody can live without the Internet.
403
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:48,233
Ah, you're right. This sucks.
404
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,135
It's even worse
than when I was roommates
405
00:16:50,170 --> 00:16:51,569
with Oscar Pistorius.
406
00:16:51,605 --> 00:16:53,271
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
- Somebody's in here.
407
00:16:53,306 --> 00:16:56,007
- (GUNSHOTS)
- Somebody's in here!
408
00:16:56,043 --> 00:16:57,609
I'm the one who screwed this up.
409
00:16:57,644 --> 00:16:59,310
I'll be the one to fix it.
410
00:16:59,346 --> 00:17:01,112
I'll be the Internet.
411
00:17:01,148 --> 00:17:02,547
What are you talking about?
412
00:17:02,582 --> 00:17:04,849
We can do all the things
we loved about the Internet.
413
00:17:04,885 --> 00:17:06,751
We just got to do it without technology.
414
00:17:06,787 --> 00:17:08,787
From now on,
if you want to tweet something,
415
00:17:08,822 --> 00:17:10,255
you do it the old-fashioned way:
416
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:11,656
Write it on a piece of paper,
417
00:17:11,692 --> 00:17:14,492
staple it to a bird,
and throw it out the door.
418
00:17:15,529 --> 00:17:17,529
(CHIRPS)
419
00:17:18,699 --> 00:17:20,899
Hey, do you follow Peter Griffin
on Twitter?
420
00:17:20,934 --> 00:17:22,534
No. Why? Is he funny?
421
00:17:22,569 --> 00:17:24,469
No, he just throws dead birds
on his lawn.
422
00:17:24,504 --> 00:17:25,870
It's awesome.
423
00:17:29,743 --> 00:17:31,576
Great news, Chris. I figured out
424
00:17:31,611 --> 00:17:33,678
how to recreate the best part of
the Internet.
425
00:17:33,714 --> 00:17:35,714
I've got pictures of five celebrities
426
00:17:35,749 --> 00:17:37,615
who you'd never believe used to be fat.
427
00:17:37,651 --> 00:17:39,984
- Great, let's see 'em.
- Sure, buddy.
428
00:17:40,020 --> 00:17:43,521
But first you have to watch
this unwelcome pop-up ad.
429
00:17:43,557 --> 00:17:45,690
I don't want probiotics.
430
00:17:45,726 --> 00:17:47,058
Then press the "skip ad" button.
431
00:17:47,094 --> 00:17:48,993
Why should I do all this work?
432
00:17:49,029 --> 00:17:50,829
They're really good pictures, Chris.
433
00:17:50,864 --> 00:17:52,564
Number three will shock you.
434
00:17:52,599 --> 00:17:54,199
Okay, I'll press it.
435
00:17:54,234 --> 00:17:56,267
Oh, no! You pressed in the wrong place,
436
00:17:56,303 --> 00:17:58,403
and now you're being sent
to the ad's website,
437
00:17:58,438 --> 00:18:00,271
which also has additional pop-ups.
438
00:18:00,307 --> 00:18:01,673
This is a nightmare!
439
00:18:01,708 --> 00:18:03,174
Just tell me one of 'em.
440
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:04,375
Kenan Thompson.
441
00:18:04,411 --> 00:18:06,644
That's not a surprise!
442
00:18:09,416 --> 00:18:10,815
Peter? What are you doing?
443
00:18:10,851 --> 00:18:12,751
Oh, I'm your Waze app today.
444
00:18:12,786 --> 00:18:14,419
- You on your way to work?
- Yeah, I am.
445
00:18:14,454 --> 00:18:16,588
All right, you will be there
in six minutes.
446
00:18:16,623 --> 00:18:17,822
Just start heading straight.
447
00:18:17,858 --> 00:18:19,224
Okay, sounds good.
448
00:18:21,261 --> 00:18:23,962
- So, how's everything at...
- Take a right! Right now!
449
00:18:23,997 --> 00:18:25,063
(TIRES SQUEAL)
450
00:18:25,098 --> 00:18:26,564
Geez, okay, calm down.
451
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:28,166
Left! Take a left immediately!
452
00:18:28,201 --> 00:18:29,667
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
453
00:18:32,973 --> 00:18:34,339
PETER: Would you like to upgrade
454
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,908
to an ad-free experience for $4.99?
455
00:18:36,943 --> 00:18:40,245
- QUAGMIRE: No.
- Try new Domino's Pizza.
456
00:18:44,785 --> 00:18:46,618
Hey, Peter, who are these guys?
457
00:18:46,653 --> 00:18:48,119
Oh, this is just my looping GIF
458
00:18:48,155 --> 00:18:51,356
of black teens reacting
to a very mild burn.
459
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:53,091
Huh. Sounds kind of pointless.
460
00:18:53,126 --> 00:18:54,292
Oh, you mean like your feet?
461
00:18:54,327 --> 00:18:56,327
(REPEATED SHOUTING AND LAUGHING)
462
00:19:05,138 --> 00:19:07,572
All right, trying to be
the Internet is impossible.
463
00:19:07,607 --> 00:19:09,641
I wish I never peed on that server.
464
00:19:09,676 --> 00:19:11,242
You know, when my phone gets wet,
465
00:19:11,278 --> 00:19:12,710
I just put it in a bag of rice.
466
00:19:12,746 --> 00:19:14,045
Shut up, Meg. That's dumb.
467
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:15,680
I've done that before. It works.
468
00:19:15,715 --> 00:19:17,382
(GASP) Chris, that's brilliant.
469
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,584
We just need a big bag
and a lot of rice.
470
00:19:19,619 --> 00:19:21,019
You sure that's gonna work?
471
00:19:21,054 --> 00:19:22,220
Eh, worth a shot.
472
00:19:22,255 --> 00:19:23,688
We'll just have to roll up our sleeves
473
00:19:23,723 --> 00:19:25,089
and do the best we can,
474
00:19:25,125 --> 00:19:27,659
like the men who built New York City.
475
00:19:27,694 --> 00:19:31,229
Men, creating an entire
subway system out of nothing
476
00:19:31,264 --> 00:19:34,299
is grueling, thankless,
life-threatening work.
477
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,501
But just remember: We're doing this
478
00:19:36,536 --> 00:19:39,370
so that one day,
future commuters can be hassled
479
00:19:39,406 --> 00:19:42,473
by panhandlers
and amateur break-dancers.
480
00:19:42,509 --> 00:19:44,375
What about public masturbators?
481
00:19:44,411 --> 00:19:46,611
Especially public masturbators.
482
00:19:46,646 --> 00:19:49,113
Now, let's go die underground!
483
00:19:49,149 --> 00:19:51,216
(WORKERS CHEERING)
484
00:19:57,524 --> 00:19:59,791
Look, we're getting a signal.
485
00:19:59,826 --> 00:20:01,192
I think we fixed the Internet.
486
00:20:01,228 --> 00:20:02,393
Something's coming through.
487
00:20:02,429 --> 00:20:03,795
It looks like an ad.
488
00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:06,698
"Smithwick's Artisinal Pretzels."
489
00:20:06,733 --> 00:20:09,100
Son of a bitch!
490
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:16,841
Well, I'm glad you got the Internet...
491
00:20:16,877 --> 00:20:19,110
H-Hold on.
492
00:20:19,145 --> 00:20:21,012
I'm sorry, what-what were you saying?
493
00:20:21,047 --> 00:20:22,580
Yeah, sounds good.
494
00:20:22,616 --> 00:20:25,149
And send.
495
00:20:25,185 --> 00:20:28,052
Take that, Delta Air Lines.
496
00:20:39,499 --> 00:20:41,065
Submitted for your approval:
497
00:20:41,101 --> 00:20:44,335
A restaurant full of people
so distracted by their phones,
498
00:20:44,371 --> 00:20:47,538
they're unaware that they're all
about to go up in smoke,
499
00:20:47,574 --> 00:20:50,041
just like the Fox Tuesday night lineup.
500
00:20:50,076 --> 00:20:55,076
(REPEATED SHOUTING AND LAUGHING)
501
00:21:00,024 --> 00:21:03,024
- Synced and corrected by AlexandreMT -
- www.addic7ed.com -