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00:00:02,515 --> 00:00:05,750
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,850 --> 00:00:09,136
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:09,170 --> 00:00:12,706
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:12,724 --> 00:00:15,709
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:15,727 --> 00:00:19,212
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:25,470 --> 00:00:27,791
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:27,792 --> 00:00:31,792
♪ Family Guy 11x22 ♪
No Country Club for Old Men
Original Air Date on May 19, 2013
11
00:00:31,796 --> 00:00:36,796
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:36,831 --> 00:00:38,065
Hey, Brian,
have you seen the remote?
13
00:00:38,099 --> 00:00:39,600
I want to watch
The Weather Channel.
14
00:00:39,634 --> 00:00:41,134
There are tornados
in the Midwest,
15
00:00:41,169 --> 00:00:42,903
and I like watching
poor people scramble
16
00:00:42,937 --> 00:00:44,338
to save
what little they have.
17
00:00:44,372 --> 00:00:45,973
Uh, I don't know
where the remote is.
18
00:00:46,007 --> 00:00:47,307
All right,
I'll find it myself.
19
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:51,845
Oh, my God, my old harmonica!
20
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,147
I'm gonna play this
really loud tonight
21
00:00:54,182 --> 00:00:56,583
to get back
at our Armenian neighbors.
22
00:00:58,219 --> 00:00:59,386
Hey.
23
00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:00,787
Hey, looks like
a fun party.
24
00:01:00,822 --> 00:01:03,090
Um, hey, listen, it's
2:00 in the morning.
25
00:01:03,124 --> 00:01:05,759
Uh, when is your five-year-old
gonna go to sleep?
26
00:01:05,793 --> 00:01:06,894
Soon, very soon.
27
00:01:06,928 --> 00:01:09,463
You want weird food
wrapped in weird leaves?
28
00:01:09,497 --> 00:01:11,131
Yeah, look, I'm guessing
there's some kind of
29
00:01:11,165 --> 00:01:13,400
soccer match from your
home country going on,
30
00:01:13,434 --> 00:01:15,135
and I get that, I do.
31
00:01:15,169 --> 00:01:17,471
But, uh, some of us
are trying to sleep,
32
00:01:17,505 --> 00:01:19,539
and I could almost
deal with the noise,
33
00:01:19,574 --> 00:01:21,875
but it's the
cologne, all right?
34
00:01:21,910 --> 00:01:24,878
I can smell it in my bed, and
I live two houses from here.
35
00:01:24,913 --> 00:01:27,547
That's how powerful
it is, okay?
36
00:01:27,582 --> 00:01:28,849
That's how powerful it is.
37
00:01:28,883 --> 00:01:30,617
You like it?
38
00:01:30,652 --> 00:01:32,119
Yeah, I kind
of like it.
39
00:01:36,691 --> 00:01:38,258
Okay, so I know
you're a harmonica,
40
00:01:38,293 --> 00:01:40,294
but right now
you're a 40-year-old woman
41
00:01:40,328 --> 00:01:42,162
with a good body
in a hotel pool.
42
00:01:42,196 --> 00:01:43,864
Hey, everybody, look at me.
43
00:01:43,898 --> 00:01:46,533
I work out seven days a
for these five minutes.
44
00:01:46,567 --> 00:01:48,168
Your attention
is going to keep me
45
00:01:48,202 --> 00:01:49,770
from swallowing
a bottle of pills.
46
00:01:49,804 --> 00:01:51,939
Hey, everyone, I made brownies!
47
00:01:51,973 --> 00:01:53,206
I better hurry up.
48
00:01:53,241 --> 00:01:54,508
I'm gonna miss the show.
49
00:01:54,542 --> 00:01:56,510
What did I do?
50
00:01:56,544 --> 00:01:58,545
What did I do?
51
00:02:01,482 --> 00:02:03,684
I love brownie day.
52
00:02:06,721 --> 00:02:08,388
Hey, so, uh,
53
00:02:08,423 --> 00:02:10,624
I'm digging a hole
under the fence in the backyard.
54
00:02:10,658 --> 00:02:11,959
Brian, you have a car.
55
00:02:11,993 --> 00:02:13,260
You don't have to escape.
56
00:02:13,294 --> 00:02:14,895
Just don't
say anything, okay?
57
00:02:14,929 --> 00:02:17,397
Oh, you know what, hang on, I
left my harmonica in the tub.
58
00:02:17,432 --> 00:02:19,066
I think Peter's in there
taking a bath.
59
00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:20,801
Aah! Son of a bitch!
60
00:02:20,835 --> 00:02:22,736
What the hell did
I just sit on?
61
00:02:22,770 --> 00:02:24,905
Where is it?
Where's my harmonica?
62
00:02:24,939 --> 00:02:25,973
It's not here!
63
00:02:26,007 --> 00:02:27,240
Peter, have you seen
Stewie's harmonica?
64
00:02:27,275 --> 00:02:28,375
It was in the tub.
65
00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:30,510
Oh, my God, it
was in the tub,
66
00:02:30,545 --> 00:02:32,212
and now it's
in my butt!
67
00:02:32,246 --> 00:02:34,081
No!
68
00:02:34,115 --> 00:02:36,583
Stewie, Daddy needs
your tiny hands
69
00:02:36,617 --> 00:02:39,386
for a very
special project.
70
00:02:43,591 --> 00:02:46,059
Well, good heavens, that's
something, isn't it?
71
00:02:46,094 --> 00:02:48,161
By the way, Mr. Griffin,
regarding your X-rays,
72
00:02:48,196 --> 00:02:49,763
we're making a
coffee table book.
73
00:02:49,797 --> 00:02:51,231
Can you sign this
release, please?
74
00:02:51,265 --> 00:02:54,201
Okay, but first can we address
my husband's situation?
75
00:02:54,235 --> 00:02:56,069
Well, the harmonica's
up there pretty good.
76
00:02:56,104 --> 00:02:58,138
Unfortunately, removing
it would require
77
00:02:58,172 --> 00:02:59,639
a very expensive surgery
78
00:02:59,674 --> 00:03:02,142
that's not covered by your
T.G.I. Friday's gift card.
79
00:03:04,078 --> 00:03:05,545
What was that?
I don't know,
80
00:03:05,580 --> 00:03:08,482
but suddenly it smells
like John Popper in here.
81
00:03:08,516 --> 00:03:10,517
That was me.
I got musical farts.
82
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:14,621
Holy crap, this is awesome.
83
00:03:14,655 --> 00:03:16,323
I will not allow
this opportunity
84
00:03:16,357 --> 00:03:17,624
to go to waste.
85
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:23,196
Hey, Lois, how
was your day?
86
00:03:23,231 --> 00:03:25,399
Terrible. I accidentally
backed over a kid
87
00:03:25,433 --> 00:03:27,401
in the grocery store
parking lot.
88
00:03:29,103 --> 00:03:30,670
Peter, I'm serious.
89
00:03:30,705 --> 00:03:32,973
I ran right over
the soft part of the face.
90
00:03:33,007 --> 00:03:34,541
I had to run away.
91
00:03:34,575 --> 00:03:36,943
I ditched the car
and jumped on a passing train.
92
00:03:40,982 --> 00:03:42,349
I was so scared.
93
00:03:42,383 --> 00:03:44,451
I didn't get off
until I was in the South.
94
00:03:47,355 --> 00:03:48,755
What'd you do today?
95
00:03:48,790 --> 00:03:50,223
I pushed a boy
behind your car
96
00:03:50,258 --> 00:03:52,392
so I could do all
this harmonica stuff.
97
00:03:55,763 --> 00:03:56,963
All right, Chris,
98
00:03:56,998 --> 00:03:59,399
Meg loves to listen
to music when she sleeps.
99
00:03:59,434 --> 00:04:01,435
Let's see how she likes this.
100
00:04:03,171 --> 00:04:05,906
Uh, Dad, I don't think
that's how it works.
101
00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:14,748
This had nothing to do
with the harmonica.
102
00:04:18,786 --> 00:04:22,089
Everybody, brace yourselves,
'cause I have got big news.
103
00:04:22,123 --> 00:04:23,957
I have been selected
to be a contestant
104
00:04:23,991 --> 00:04:25,425
on America's Got Talent!
105
00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:28,128
And they're gonna fly us all
to America for the show!
106
00:04:28,162 --> 00:04:30,030
What?! Oh, my God!
107
00:04:30,064 --> 00:04:31,865
Finally, we make'a da dreams
108
00:04:31,899 --> 00:04:33,533
come true in America!
109
00:04:33,568 --> 00:04:35,368
I am gonna make
this family proud,
110
00:04:35,403 --> 00:04:36,670
and not just you guys,
111
00:04:36,704 --> 00:04:39,139
but that old painting
of my ancestor in the attic.
112
00:04:39,173 --> 00:04:41,108
I did it! I'm
gonna be on TV!
113
00:04:41,142 --> 00:04:42,542
Did you kill the others?
114
00:04:42,577 --> 00:04:44,211
I shan't!
You must.
115
00:04:44,245 --> 00:04:46,980
I'm gonna go talk to
the statue in the basement.
116
00:04:47,014 --> 00:04:48,548
Did you kill
the painting?
117
00:04:48,583 --> 00:04:50,650
This place is a nuthouse.
118
00:04:56,324 --> 00:04:58,458
Yo, welcome back
to America's Got Talent!
119
00:04:58,493 --> 00:04:59,926
Let's welcome
our next performer,
120
00:04:59,961 --> 00:05:02,562
here to play the harmonica,
Peter Griffin.
121
00:05:04,499 --> 00:05:05,632
Hi.
122
00:05:05,666 --> 00:05:07,801
So, where are you from, Peter?
123
00:05:07,835 --> 00:05:10,303
Um, I'm from
Quahog, Rhode Island.
124
00:05:11,506 --> 00:05:12,839
Quahog!
125
00:05:12,874 --> 00:05:14,174
That's my family.
126
00:05:14,208 --> 00:05:16,643
My wife daytime drinks
on vacation.
127
00:05:16,677 --> 00:05:19,212
Okay, Peter,
let's hear what you've got.
128
00:05:43,938 --> 00:05:45,005
Wow, he's nailing it.
129
00:05:45,039 --> 00:05:46,173
I know, shut up.
130
00:06:00,721 --> 00:06:02,622
Well, there goes
my music career.
131
00:06:02,657 --> 00:06:04,791
I wonder if I can get
my old job back
132
00:06:04,825 --> 00:06:07,060
painting kids' faces
at birthday parties.
133
00:06:07,094 --> 00:06:08,762
There you go, Timmy.
134
00:06:08,796 --> 00:06:10,263
Sir, you're gonna have
to leave.
135
00:06:10,298 --> 00:06:12,032
You're just drawing penises
with a Sharpie
136
00:06:12,066 --> 00:06:13,233
on children's faces.
137
00:06:13,267 --> 00:06:15,235
I don't know how
to draw a cat.
138
00:06:19,807 --> 00:06:21,541
Hi, I'm Amanda.
139
00:06:21,576 --> 00:06:23,543
I'm Chris.
You look nice,
140
00:06:23,578 --> 00:06:25,512
so I'll blow my burps
the other way.
141
00:06:26,714 --> 00:06:28,081
You're funny.
142
00:06:28,115 --> 00:06:29,249
Oh, thanks.
143
00:06:29,283 --> 00:06:31,084
Usually people
just find me awkward.
144
00:06:31,118 --> 00:06:33,153
I have a hard time
with small talk.
145
00:06:33,187 --> 00:06:35,455
Did you find everything
you were looking for?
146
00:06:35,489 --> 00:06:36,856
Eh, I did all right
147
00:06:36,891 --> 00:06:39,011
for a guy who just had his
first homosexual experience
148
00:06:39,026 --> 00:06:40,860
with his guitar teacher.
149
00:06:44,232 --> 00:06:46,266
All right, guys,
keep an eye out for our stuff.
150
00:06:46,300 --> 00:06:48,568
I got tired of not being able
to find my bags,
151
00:06:48,603 --> 00:06:50,437
so I tied a vaguely
Hanna-Barbera-looking
152
00:06:50,471 --> 00:06:51,905
character to it.
153
00:06:51,939 --> 00:06:54,708
This trip was imposserous!
154
00:06:54,742 --> 00:06:56,142
There we go.
155
00:06:56,177 --> 00:06:58,912
I really enjoyed sitting next
to you on the plane, Chris.
156
00:06:58,946 --> 00:06:59,980
Me, too.
157
00:07:00,014 --> 00:07:01,314
I'm sorry I screamed
158
00:07:01,349 --> 00:07:03,583
when that guy from India
got up to stretch.
159
00:07:03,618 --> 00:07:05,518
Look, I'm having brunch
tomorrow with my grandparents
160
00:07:05,553 --> 00:07:07,020
at the Barrington
Country Club.
161
00:07:07,054 --> 00:07:08,255
Maybe your family
could join us.
162
00:07:08,289 --> 00:07:10,290
Okay, that sounds like fun.
163
00:07:15,329 --> 00:07:16,529
Oh, my God.
164
00:07:16,564 --> 00:07:17,864
Chris is dating
a Barrington.
165
00:07:17,898 --> 00:07:19,466
Who are the
Barringtons?
166
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,501
They're the richest family
in all of Rhode Island.
167
00:07:21,535 --> 00:07:23,603
I must notify Gossip Girl!
168
00:07:23,638 --> 00:07:26,973
"Pass this along
to Gossip Girl."
169
00:07:41,555 --> 00:07:43,957
It's me. I'm Gossip Girl.
170
00:07:50,561 --> 00:07:53,847
I still can't believe Chris
is dating a Barrington.
171
00:07:53,881 --> 00:07:55,398
They own this whole club.
172
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:57,317
Yeah, look at
all this luxury.
173
00:07:57,351 --> 00:08:00,052
It's like being in
a gay guy's dream.
174
00:08:01,722 --> 00:08:03,289
Enjoying the view?
175
00:08:03,324 --> 00:08:04,707
It's glorious, Edwin.
176
00:08:04,742 --> 00:08:06,025
Would you like
another salad bowl
177
00:08:06,059 --> 00:08:07,377
of chocolate-covered oysters?
178
00:08:07,411 --> 00:08:08,478
Is that gay enough?
179
00:08:08,512 --> 00:08:09,696
And then some.
180
00:08:09,730 --> 00:08:11,965
This has been the gayest
vacation I've ever had.
181
00:08:11,999 --> 00:08:14,868
I love smelling me
on your breath.
182
00:08:14,902 --> 00:08:16,286
Peter, what are
you doing here?
183
00:08:16,320 --> 00:08:17,403
You're not a member!
184
00:08:17,421 --> 00:08:18,988
And that means me
and the other jocks
185
00:08:19,023 --> 00:08:20,440
get to throw you
in the pool.
186
00:08:20,474 --> 00:08:21,875
Hey, Banks, Duffy,
get over here!
187
00:08:21,909 --> 00:08:23,510
This guy's going
for a swim.
188
00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:24,878
Grab him!
189
00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:27,864
All right,
you're kind of heavy,
190
00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,649
so-so-so
we're gonna pee on you.
191
00:08:33,254 --> 00:08:34,554
Not happening.
192
00:08:34,588 --> 00:08:36,489
All right, all right,
we'll just spit on you.
193
00:08:41,412 --> 00:08:43,480
Oh, nothing we have works.
194
00:08:43,514 --> 00:08:46,115
Daddy, we're here to have
brunch with the Barringtons.
195
00:08:46,150 --> 00:08:48,351
The Barringtons?!
How is that possible?
196
00:08:48,385 --> 00:08:50,420
That family is the pinnacle
of high society.
197
00:08:50,454 --> 00:08:52,155
They-they haven't worked
in eight generations.
198
00:08:52,189 --> 00:08:53,656
All the kids have drug problems.
199
00:08:53,691 --> 00:08:55,158
Most of them have O.D.'d.
200
00:08:55,192 --> 00:08:56,526
That's terrible.
201
00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,027
Well, not all kids
make it, Lois.
202
00:08:58,062 --> 00:08:59,979
Just ask the
Sugar Smacks frog.
203
00:09:00,014 --> 00:09:02,732
I'm sorry, I'm afraid
you've lost two more.
204
00:09:02,766 --> 00:09:04,467
What should we do
about the graves?
205
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:05,735
Dig 'em.
206
00:09:10,174 --> 00:09:12,175
You look really
handsome today, Chris.
207
00:09:12,209 --> 00:09:13,510
Thanks, Amanda.
208
00:09:13,544 --> 00:09:14,777
Hey, Chris, say it.
209
00:09:14,812 --> 00:09:17,213
I use Stewart Griffin
Facial Cleanser.
210
00:09:17,248 --> 00:09:18,248
Try some.
211
00:09:18,282 --> 00:09:19,382
Give her
the Web site.
212
00:09:19,416 --> 00:09:21,417
StewieGriffinFacial.com.
213
00:09:21,452 --> 00:09:22,919
No, no, no,
th-th-that's something else.
214
00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:25,955
It's
StewieGriffinFacialCleanser.com.
215
00:09:25,990 --> 00:09:27,323
Hey, listen,
Mr. Barrington,
216
00:09:27,358 --> 00:09:29,425
y-your granddaughter
ain't no tease, right?
217
00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:31,100
'Cause Chris really
wants to get in there.
218
00:09:31,128 --> 00:09:33,263
Oh, you're a funny guy,
Griffin.
219
00:09:33,297 --> 00:09:34,531
I like that.
220
00:09:34,565 --> 00:09:36,633
Oh, well, you should hear
my prank phone calls.
221
00:09:38,435 --> 00:09:40,570
Hey,
is your refrigerator running?
222
00:09:40,604 --> 00:09:41,738
Yes, it is.
223
00:09:41,772 --> 00:09:43,339
Are your doors unlocked?
224
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:44,974
What? Why?
225
00:09:48,879 --> 00:09:50,980
I don't know, they all
kind of look the same.
226
00:09:51,015 --> 00:09:54,450
What do you mean "they
all look the same"?
227
00:09:55,586 --> 00:09:58,221
Hey, there's all
my favorite people!
228
00:09:58,255 --> 00:10:00,156
Oh, no, not this suck-up.
229
00:10:00,190 --> 00:10:01,524
What are we talking about?
230
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:02,992
Black people? Mexicans?
231
00:10:03,027 --> 00:10:04,928
Jews?
232
00:10:04,962 --> 00:10:06,663
So good to see you,
Barrington.
233
00:10:06,697 --> 00:10:08,231
Hey, hey, where we going today,
Reginald?
234
00:10:08,265 --> 00:10:09,499
Huh? Huh?
Where we going today?
235
00:10:09,533 --> 00:10:10,900
You and me is pals,
ain't we, Reginald?
236
00:10:10,935 --> 00:10:12,335
Pewterschmidt,
settle down!
237
00:10:12,369 --> 00:10:14,804
I was having a nice
conversation with Peter.
238
00:10:14,838 --> 00:10:17,073
Uh, Peter, why don't you tell me
more about your job.
239
00:10:17,107 --> 00:10:18,708
You said you like
to drink at work?
240
00:10:18,742 --> 00:10:19,842
I do.
Oh, me, too!
241
00:10:19,877 --> 00:10:21,010
Me, too.
I'll drink anything.
242
00:10:21,045 --> 00:10:22,685
Even that hollandaise sauce.
Give me that.
243
00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:28,284
Hey, Brian,
Meg's Benedict.
244
00:10:31,722 --> 00:10:33,022
Oh, God.
Ho, ho, ho.
245
00:10:33,057 --> 00:10:34,190
Stop. Stop.
246
00:10:34,224 --> 00:10:35,825
Stop.
I'm sorry I even said it.
247
00:10:35,859 --> 00:10:37,293
I'm so...
It was a mistake.
248
00:10:37,328 --> 00:10:39,228
It was a mistake.
I'm sorry I said it.
249
00:10:39,263 --> 00:10:41,931
Peter, why don't you
and I grab some air, huh?
250
00:10:41,966 --> 00:10:44,300
Daddy, you're making a
fool out of yourself.
251
00:10:44,335 --> 00:10:45,802
Why are you
acting like this?
252
00:10:45,836 --> 00:10:47,136
Look, I've been
trying to get
253
00:10:47,171 --> 00:10:49,305
into Reginald Barrington's
inner circle for years.
254
00:10:49,340 --> 00:10:51,007
They've been
the most elite family
255
00:10:51,041 --> 00:10:52,742
in this country
ever since it was founded.
256
00:10:52,776 --> 00:10:55,411
They were the ones who invented
the buckle on the hat.
257
00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:56,846
Hey, I like
your zipper hat.
258
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:58,381
I like your zipper hat.
259
00:10:58,415 --> 00:10:59,882
Morning, fellas.
260
00:10:59,917 --> 00:11:03,386
Oh, that's gonna
be a game changer.
261
00:11:03,420 --> 00:11:05,288
Do you hunt, Peter?
262
00:11:05,322 --> 00:11:07,924
Well, I went to three
stores to find this shirt.
263
00:11:07,958 --> 00:11:10,026
Peter, you-you've got moxie.
264
00:11:10,060 --> 00:11:11,194
I like that.
265
00:11:11,228 --> 00:11:12,895
Hey, I've got moxie, too!
Watch this!
266
00:11:12,930 --> 00:11:15,231
♪ Carmen Miranda,
Carmen Miranda ♪
267
00:11:15,265 --> 00:11:16,633
♪ Was she a singer?
268
00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:17,900
♪ Was she a dancer?
269
00:11:17,935 --> 00:11:19,168
♪ Nobody knows
270
00:11:19,203 --> 00:11:20,837
♪ They just remember
the fruit. ♪
271
00:11:20,871 --> 00:11:23,139
Pewterschmidt,
you imbecile!
272
00:11:23,173 --> 00:11:25,208
You think that's funny,
wasting fruit?
273
00:11:25,242 --> 00:11:27,377
There are people dying
in hilarious places.
274
00:11:27,411 --> 00:11:28,478
That is it!
275
00:11:28,512 --> 00:11:30,913
You are officially
kicked out of this club!
276
00:11:30,948 --> 00:11:32,048
What?
277
00:11:32,082 --> 00:11:33,583
Griffin,
we just had an opening.
278
00:11:33,617 --> 00:11:36,052
Congratulations,
you are now a member.
279
00:11:36,086 --> 00:11:37,487
Oh, my God, really?
280
00:11:37,521 --> 00:11:39,589
And to think,
yesterday I was just a guy
281
00:11:39,623 --> 00:11:41,324
at home eating catnip.
282
00:11:51,101 --> 00:11:52,568
Excuse me, Mr. Pewterschmidt,
283
00:11:52,603 --> 00:11:54,570
but you're no longer
a member at this club.
284
00:11:54,605 --> 00:11:55,938
Don't worry,
he's my guest.
285
00:11:55,973 --> 00:11:57,340
Now, look, Peter,
286
00:11:57,374 --> 00:11:59,542
j-just because you're
a member now and I'm your guest,
287
00:11:59,576 --> 00:12:01,844
that doesn't mean things are
gonna change between us, right?
288
00:12:01,879 --> 00:12:03,246
No, no, of course not.
289
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:05,415
Excuse me a
moment, Carter.
290
00:12:05,449 --> 00:12:08,184
Hey, guys, I just bumped into
Carter Pewterschmidt outside.
291
00:12:08,218 --> 00:12:09,452
What a loser, huh?
292
00:12:10,821 --> 00:12:12,088
Okay, when he
wasn't looking,
293
00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:14,323
I stuck a springy
snake in his wallet.
294
00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:16,025
What? Aah!
295
00:12:16,060 --> 00:12:17,694
And I switched out
one of his eyeballs
296
00:12:17,728 --> 00:12:19,195
for a gag
exploding eyeball.
297
00:12:19,229 --> 00:12:20,363
What? That's impossib...
298
00:12:20,397 --> 00:12:21,431
Aah!
299
00:12:21,465 --> 00:12:23,066
And then I paid a
couple of Mexicans
300
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:25,101
to run over him
with their car.
301
00:12:26,570 --> 00:12:28,705
I hope they don't just take
the money and skip town.
302
00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:32,942
Okay, you ready
for some polo?
303
00:12:32,976 --> 00:12:34,477
All right,
this is more like it.
304
00:12:34,511 --> 00:12:35,478
Where's Buttercup?
305
00:12:35,512 --> 00:12:37,280
Oh, only members
can ride Buttercup.
306
00:12:37,314 --> 00:12:40,116
Guests have to ride Topsy
the Roid Rage Horse.
307
00:12:41,518 --> 00:12:43,553
Now, whatever you do,
don't say his trigger word.
308
00:12:43,587 --> 00:12:45,688
What?
Aah! That's his trigger word!
309
00:12:47,691 --> 00:12:49,425
Don't yell! His parents
were slaughtered by yellers.
310
00:12:49,460 --> 00:12:50,460
Just submit.
311
00:12:50,494 --> 00:12:52,128
I am submitting!
It's getting worse!
312
00:12:52,162 --> 00:12:53,529
No, I mean really submit.
313
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:54,997
Okay, okay!
314
00:12:55,032 --> 00:12:56,699
Oh, my God,
I meant say you're sorry,
315
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,367
not take off your pants.
316
00:12:58,402 --> 00:13:00,737
Carter, what are you doing?
Oh, my God!
317
00:13:00,771 --> 00:13:02,905
And now that I've made you aware
of the misunderstanding,
318
00:13:02,940 --> 00:13:04,407
you're still continuing with it.
319
00:13:04,441 --> 00:13:06,509
Oh, my God!
And I'm still watching.
320
00:13:06,543 --> 00:13:07,810
What's wrong with me?
321
00:13:07,845 --> 00:13:09,479
Oh, my God!
322
00:13:12,883 --> 00:13:16,652
We now return
to Game of Thrones on BET.
323
00:13:16,687 --> 00:13:19,188
I got a big-ass coat,
chair to sit in,
324
00:13:19,223 --> 00:13:21,390
chalice cup of wine
and a midget,
325
00:13:21,425 --> 00:13:22,725
but I ain't going out there
326
00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,527
with all them monsters
out there!
327
00:13:27,164 --> 00:13:29,031
Daddy, what
happened to you?
328
00:13:29,066 --> 00:13:31,234
I can't live
without the country club.
329
00:13:31,268 --> 00:13:32,301
You did this, Peter!
330
00:13:32,336 --> 00:13:33,436
This is all your fault!
331
00:13:33,470 --> 00:13:35,037
I like your hair.
Well, Daddy,
332
00:13:35,072 --> 00:13:37,039
you've been treating
Peter like dirt for years.
333
00:13:37,074 --> 00:13:39,342
It's-it's choppier;
it's more texturized.
334
00:13:39,376 --> 00:13:41,778
Did you go to the Asian
guy with the one name?
335
00:13:41,812 --> 00:13:43,646
Well, now that you
know how it feels,
336
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,448
maybe you want to
give him an apology.
337
00:13:45,482 --> 00:13:46,749
You went to Taki,
didn't you?
338
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,185
Look, Peter, I'm sorry
for the way I treated you,
339
00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:52,121
but is there anything you can do
to get me back in the club?
340
00:13:52,156 --> 00:13:53,790
Well, I suppose I could
talk to Barrington.
341
00:13:53,824 --> 00:13:55,158
Really? Oh, Peter,
342
00:13:55,192 --> 00:13:56,793
you don't know
what this means to me.
343
00:13:56,827 --> 00:13:59,262
Oh, you know, I was so desperate
there for a while,
344
00:13:59,296 --> 00:14:00,530
I even tried a Jewish club.
345
00:14:00,564 --> 00:14:01,931
Oh, you don't want
to get involved
346
00:14:01,965 --> 00:14:03,099
with them
religious groups.
347
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:05,168
They believe in all
kinds of weird stuff.
348
00:14:05,202 --> 00:14:06,936
If I believe
in Jesus hard enough,
349
00:14:06,970 --> 00:14:08,638
I will not die.
350
00:14:08,672 --> 00:14:10,673
If I believe
in Snake Jesus hard enough,
351
00:14:10,707 --> 00:14:11,974
he will die.
352
00:14:12,009 --> 00:14:14,143
If I believe
in Tree Jesus hard enough,
353
00:14:14,178 --> 00:14:15,611
both of them will die.
354
00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:19,582
Yay! Thank you, Tree Jesus!
355
00:14:21,451 --> 00:14:23,252
Hey, Mr. Barrington.
356
00:14:23,287 --> 00:14:24,353
Oh, hello, Peter.
357
00:14:24,388 --> 00:14:25,655
I'm so glad you're here.
358
00:14:25,689 --> 00:14:28,057
We're shooting bald guys
under five-seven today.
359
00:14:28,091 --> 00:14:29,559
Hey, there's the guy
360
00:14:29,593 --> 00:14:31,227
who denied
my health insurance claim.
361
00:14:31,261 --> 00:14:32,762
Sir, your nipples are fine!
362
00:14:32,796 --> 00:14:34,797
You don't need
to reconstruct them!
363
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:38,000
I want Hershey Kiss nipples,
and I want you to pay for them!
364
00:14:38,035 --> 00:14:39,836
Look, Mr. B.,
if it's okay with you,
365
00:14:39,870 --> 00:14:42,171
I'd like to give
my membership back to Carter.
366
00:14:42,206 --> 00:14:44,006
I'm sorry, Peter, but
I just don't think
367
00:14:44,041 --> 00:14:45,908
Pewterschmidt is
country club material.
368
00:14:45,943 --> 00:14:47,109
Now if you'll excuse me,
369
00:14:47,144 --> 00:14:49,345
I'm about to shoot
Michael Stipe.
370
00:14:49,379 --> 00:14:50,947
Is that...
371
00:14:50,981 --> 00:14:52,248
Is that him
in the corner?
372
00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:53,683
Yes, that is him
in the corner.
373
00:14:53,717 --> 00:14:55,351
Is that him
in the spotlight?
374
00:14:55,385 --> 00:14:56,786
Would you...
Oh, damn it!
375
00:14:56,820 --> 00:14:57,954
Now he got away!
376
00:14:57,988 --> 00:14:59,856
Oh, no...
I said too much?
377
00:14:59,890 --> 00:15:01,490
I want you
out of here!
378
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:03,459
Look, Mr. Barrington,
he's my father-in-law.
379
00:15:03,493 --> 00:15:05,394
So if he goes, I go.
380
00:15:05,429 --> 00:15:07,029
Fine, I don't care.
381
00:15:07,064 --> 00:15:09,665
Your low-brow antics no
longer amuse me, Griffin.
382
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:11,167
You're both out
of the club.
383
00:15:11,201 --> 00:15:12,768
Well, I guess that's it then.
384
00:15:12,803 --> 00:15:14,871
Oh, there is one
more thing, actually.
385
00:15:14,905 --> 00:15:17,039
Can you talk to that
angry little boy
386
00:15:17,074 --> 00:15:18,541
down by the river bank?
387
00:15:18,575 --> 00:15:20,977
Uh, yeah, sure.
388
00:15:24,982 --> 00:15:26,382
Hey, what's eating you?
389
00:15:26,416 --> 00:15:27,516
Grown-ups.
390
00:15:27,551 --> 00:15:29,185
Yeah, grown-ups suck.
391
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:31,287
Why do they get to make
all the rules?
392
00:15:31,321 --> 00:15:33,356
I know it seems
unfair, but, hey,
393
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,224
there ain't no rules
in a tickle fight.
394
00:15:35,259 --> 00:15:36,726
Stop!
395
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:38,561
You're tickling!
396
00:15:38,595 --> 00:15:40,029
Timmy, there you are!
397
00:15:40,063 --> 00:15:41,530
Who the
are you?!
398
00:15:41,565 --> 00:15:42,965
Get away from our son!
399
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:44,300
But Mr. Barrington
told me to...
400
00:15:44,334 --> 00:15:45,668
Who's Mr. Barrington?
401
00:15:45,702 --> 00:15:47,503
From the club.
What club?
402
00:15:47,537 --> 00:15:49,171
You're in a lot
of trouble, mister.
403
00:15:56,458 --> 00:15:58,693
I'm sorry I got us both
kicked out, Carter.
404
00:15:58,727 --> 00:16:00,361
I was just trying
to help you out.
405
00:16:00,395 --> 00:16:03,097
Mr. Barrington told me
I couldn't see Amanda anymore.
406
00:16:03,131 --> 00:16:05,533
We never even got
a chance to have sex.
407
00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:09,053
Everyone knows rich, Waspy girls
are the best at it.
408
00:16:09,087 --> 00:16:10,888
I'm really gonna miss that club.
409
00:16:10,922 --> 00:16:12,640
You know what part
I liked the most?
410
00:16:12,674 --> 00:16:14,375
Walking around
the locker room naked
411
00:16:14,409 --> 00:16:17,445
and offering people sections
of a tiny clementine.
412
00:16:17,479 --> 00:16:18,713
Clementine?
413
00:16:18,747 --> 00:16:20,331
Oh, thank you.
414
00:16:20,365 --> 00:16:21,582
Clementine?
415
00:16:21,616 --> 00:16:22,600
None for
me, thanks.
416
00:16:22,651 --> 00:16:23,684
Clementine?
417
00:16:23,718 --> 00:16:25,486
Yes, thank you.
418
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:26,854
Clementine?
Yeah, I'll have one.
419
00:16:26,888 --> 00:16:28,239
Ooh, softly.
Sorry.
420
00:16:28,273 --> 00:16:29,657
Yes, I'll have one.
421
00:16:29,691 --> 00:16:31,459
There you go.
422
00:16:31,493 --> 00:16:34,595
God, it's good
to be old and nude.
423
00:16:34,629 --> 00:16:36,564
Look, Carter,
you can't be that surprised.
424
00:16:36,598 --> 00:16:37,832
I mean,
it's just human nature
425
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:39,450
to suck up to the people
above you,
426
00:16:39,484 --> 00:16:41,819
crap on those beneath you
and undercut your equals.
427
00:16:41,853 --> 00:16:43,587
Well, then we just
got to figure out a way
428
00:16:43,622 --> 00:16:44,922
to make you fancier
than Barrington,
429
00:16:44,956 --> 00:16:46,557
so he's got
to suck up to you.
430
00:16:46,591 --> 00:16:47,691
I don't know, Peter.
431
00:16:47,726 --> 00:16:49,143
That'd be pretty
tough to pull off.
432
00:16:49,177 --> 00:16:50,428
We just got to be bold.
433
00:16:50,462 --> 00:16:52,496
Like those
backwards-knee birds.
434
00:16:53,515 --> 00:16:54,515
Oh, what? What?
435
00:16:54,549 --> 00:16:56,050
Oh, what? What are
you looking at?
436
00:16:56,084 --> 00:16:57,251
Oh, you coming for me?
437
00:16:57,269 --> 00:16:58,719
No, no, I'll just take
438
00:16:58,753 --> 00:17:01,105
a big backward-knee step
in the opposite direction.
439
00:17:01,139 --> 00:17:03,207
Yeah, yeah, you think
I'm afraid of you?
440
00:17:03,241 --> 00:17:06,510
I slept on your back
last night, you.
441
00:17:11,216 --> 00:17:12,683
Yes, I'll have
the filet mignon,
442
00:17:12,717 --> 00:17:14,718
and they can start
the sunset now.
443
00:17:17,038 --> 00:17:18,706
Someone important
must be arriving
444
00:17:18,740 --> 00:17:20,941
because they're making
a big entrance.
445
00:17:37,175 --> 00:17:40,127
Announcing the arrival
of His and His Majesty,
446
00:17:40,162 --> 00:17:42,263
the exceedingly wealthy
and very important
447
00:17:42,297 --> 00:17:44,498
Viscount James Earl
Tennis Racquet,
448
00:17:44,533 --> 00:17:46,400
and Duke of
Lacrosse Team.
449
00:17:46,434 --> 00:17:48,602
Hello, I'm Reginald
Barrington.
450
00:17:48,637 --> 00:17:50,738
Where are you fine
gentlemen from?
451
00:17:50,772 --> 00:17:51,972
We are European,
452
00:17:52,007 --> 00:17:53,941
from the United
Coloreds of Benetton.
453
00:17:53,975 --> 00:17:55,943
But you don't sound
like you're from Europe.
454
00:17:55,977 --> 00:17:57,344
Is that so?
455
00:17:57,379 --> 00:17:59,513
Well, perhaps I should take
my thong elsewhere.
456
00:17:59,548 --> 00:18:01,515
Well, let's
not be hasty.
457
00:18:01,550 --> 00:18:04,135
Your Majesty, won't
you please join me
458
00:18:04,169 --> 00:18:06,921
as my personal guests
in the Barrington Room?
459
00:18:06,955 --> 00:18:08,422
The Barrington Room?!
460
00:18:08,456 --> 00:18:10,875
Peter, that's the most exclusive
room in all of New England.
461
00:18:10,909 --> 00:18:13,144
Yeah, I hear it's even
harder to get in there
462
00:18:13,178 --> 00:18:14,678
than the University
of Arizona.
463
00:18:14,713 --> 00:18:16,347
Well, it's beating.
464
00:18:16,381 --> 00:18:18,933
Welcome to the Wildcats.
465
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:20,934
This is the
Barrington Room.
466
00:18:20,952 --> 00:18:22,403
Have a seat in
the deepest,
467
00:18:22,437 --> 00:18:25,773
most luxurious leather chair
in the world.
468
00:18:27,776 --> 00:18:30,678
Oh, that's nice.
469
00:18:30,712 --> 00:18:32,930
Sir, may I offer you
a shoe drink?
470
00:18:32,964 --> 00:18:35,382
Why, yes, that'd
be lovely.
471
00:18:37,135 --> 00:18:39,486
Ah, the finer things.
472
00:18:39,521 --> 00:18:41,455
So, what brings
you gentlemen to town?
473
00:18:41,489 --> 00:18:42,673
We're here on business.
474
00:18:42,707 --> 00:18:44,325
In fact, we just
came from a meeting
475
00:18:44,359 --> 00:18:46,160
with the venerable
Carter Pewterschmidt.
476
00:18:46,194 --> 00:18:47,461
Outstanding man.
477
00:18:47,495 --> 00:18:48,729
Really? Yeah, well,
478
00:18:48,763 --> 00:18:51,482
he used to be a member here,
but he was very annoying.
479
00:18:51,516 --> 00:18:53,450
Oh, my, that's-that's
surprising.
480
00:18:53,485 --> 00:18:55,936
I-I've heard he has quite
the blue-blood pedigree.
481
00:18:55,971 --> 00:18:57,805
You know, he got a
piece of Jackie Kennedy
482
00:18:57,839 --> 00:19:00,441
before she was defiled by
that hairy olive-eater.
483
00:19:00,475 --> 00:19:02,409
Yeah, and-and
he once made me
484
00:19:02,444 --> 00:19:04,245
a grilled cheese
sandwich after this.
485
00:19:04,279 --> 00:19:06,413
Well, I wasn't sure
about Pewterschmidt,
486
00:19:06,448 --> 00:19:08,148
but after hearing
you gentlemen talk,
487
00:19:08,183 --> 00:19:10,084
maybe I could give him
another chance.
488
00:19:10,118 --> 00:19:11,485
Really?
Oh, wow!
489
00:19:11,519 --> 00:19:13,354
That's great news,
Carter. You're back in!
490
00:19:13,388 --> 00:19:14,805
Hey, let's get a
couple of girls
491
00:19:14,839 --> 00:19:17,107
and have seventh-grade-in-
the-same-room-make-outs.
492
00:19:17,142 --> 00:19:19,143
"Carter"? Wait a minute.
493
00:19:19,177 --> 00:19:20,828
You're not
Duke of Lacrosse Team!
494
00:19:20,862 --> 00:19:23,847
And you're not Viscount
James Earl Tennis Racquet!
495
00:19:23,882 --> 00:19:25,132
Security!
496
00:19:25,166 --> 00:19:27,334
Come throw these frauds
out of my club!
497
00:19:27,369 --> 00:19:28,802
Damn it, Peter,
you blew it!
498
00:19:28,837 --> 00:19:31,088
I knew I couldn't depend
on you!
499
00:19:31,122 --> 00:19:33,440
You're not worthy to lick
my designer shoes,
500
00:19:33,475 --> 00:19:34,808
you fat, low-life slob!
501
00:19:34,843 --> 00:19:36,377
But, Carter, please!
502
00:19:36,411 --> 00:19:39,129
Here, skip this rope and do
a lively schoolgirl chant.
503
00:19:39,164 --> 00:19:41,332
But, Carter, I don't know
any city girl rhymes.
504
00:19:41,366 --> 00:19:42,816
Do it!
505
00:19:42,850 --> 00:19:45,185
Lettuce, carrots,
peppers and peas.
506
00:19:45,203 --> 00:19:47,705
Your mother says to
got to have these.
507
00:19:47,739 --> 00:19:49,490
Now do it double time
with new vegetables!
508
00:19:49,524 --> 00:19:51,692
Cabbage, taters,
spinach and peas.
509
00:19:51,710 --> 00:19:52,993
You already said "peas"!
510
00:19:53,027 --> 00:19:55,629
I don't know any
more vegetables.
511
00:19:55,664 --> 00:19:57,915
Wait a second,
hang on there.
512
00:19:57,949 --> 00:20:00,751
The way you abused
that man just now,
513
00:20:00,785 --> 00:20:02,586
the way you treated
your lesser--
514
00:20:02,621 --> 00:20:04,855
I underestimated you,
Pewterschmidt.
515
00:20:04,889 --> 00:20:07,258
I thought you were just
some suck-up loser,
516
00:20:07,292 --> 00:20:08,659
but you have shown me
517
00:20:08,693 --> 00:20:10,828
that you've got the mettle
to be one of us.
518
00:20:10,862 --> 00:20:12,196
You are back in the club.
519
00:20:12,230 --> 00:20:14,164
Oh, thank you,
Mr. Barrington!
520
00:20:14,199 --> 00:20:17,001
Yes. Now, I believe
there is just one last piece
521
00:20:17,035 --> 00:20:19,470
of unfinished business
to take care of here.
522
00:20:23,908 --> 00:20:26,477
I'm sorry, but the Viscount
James Earl Tennis Racquet
523
00:20:26,511 --> 00:20:29,246
and Duke of Lacrosse Team
already arrived two hours ago.
524
00:20:29,281 --> 00:20:31,682
But that's impossible!
525
00:20:35,487 --> 00:20:36,720
Peter, I'm sorry
526
00:20:36,755 --> 00:20:38,922
you've got to give up
the country club life.
527
00:20:38,957 --> 00:20:40,257
Oh, that's okay, Lois.
528
00:20:40,292 --> 00:20:41,625
'Cause you know,
I got to say,
529
00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:43,694
I don't think those rich guys
have it all that great.
530
00:20:43,728 --> 00:20:45,095
Too much stress.
531
00:20:45,130 --> 00:20:46,363
You know,
you give me the choice,
532
00:20:46,398 --> 00:20:48,065
I'll choose our life
any day of the week.
533
00:20:48,099 --> 00:20:49,466
Me, too, Peter.
534
00:20:49,501 --> 00:20:51,468
Can I have $50 to
get my hair cut?
535
00:20:51,503 --> 00:20:53,070
Absolutely not.
That's a waste of money.
536
00:20:53,104 --> 00:20:54,638
I will cut it myself.
537
00:20:56,107 --> 00:20:58,375
You look like garbage.
What happened?
538
00:20:58,781 --> 00:21:03,781
== sync, corrected by elderman ==