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00:00:01,351 --> 00:00:04,495
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,566 --> 00:00:07,834
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,868 --> 00:00:11,403
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:14,407
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,442 --> 00:00:17,910
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,817 --> 00:00:24,149
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,185 --> 00:00:25,869
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,870 --> 00:00:29,870
♪ Family Guy 13x02 ♪
The Book of Joe
Original Air Date on October 5, 2014
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00:00:29,871 --> 00:00:34,871
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:34,872 --> 00:00:37,273
Hey, guys. You look like
you're getting a little red.
13
00:00:37,308 --> 00:00:39,208
Maybe you ought to put
some sunblock on.
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00:00:39,243 --> 00:00:40,343
Joe, we just got here.
15
00:00:40,378 --> 00:00:41,644
Oh, sorry about that.
16
00:00:41,679 --> 00:00:43,245
These got
a little mixed up.
17
00:00:43,281 --> 00:00:45,414
"Hey, glad you guys
could make it!"
18
00:00:45,450 --> 00:00:47,483
Ugh, look at Cleveland
over there.
19
00:00:47,518 --> 00:00:49,518
He's obviously cleaning his feet
in the pool
20
00:00:49,554 --> 00:00:52,288
without making it look like he's
cleaning his feet in the pool.
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00:00:52,323 --> 00:00:53,789
Oh, that's nice.
22
00:00:53,825 --> 00:00:55,491
That's a good temp.
23
00:00:55,526 --> 00:00:58,661
I wonder if this temp is
the same on my other foot.
24
00:00:58,696 --> 00:00:59,996
Oh, yeah.
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00:01:00,031 --> 00:01:02,031
Sure is a good day for it.
26
00:01:02,066 --> 00:01:04,233
Good day for
these wet paint brushes, too.
27
00:01:04,268 --> 00:01:07,103
Is the pool too warm
for paint brushes?
28
00:01:12,310 --> 00:01:13,609
Hey, sorry again, Kevin.
29
00:01:13,645 --> 00:01:16,112
I didn't see you in the tub.
30
00:01:29,994 --> 00:01:31,260
Huh, what's all this?
31
00:01:31,295 --> 00:01:32,695
Honey,
it doesn't seem like
32
00:01:32,730 --> 00:01:35,097
the Griffins are leaving
anytime too soon!
33
00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:36,198
Oh. Hey, Peter.
34
00:01:36,234 --> 00:01:37,967
Hey, Joe. What are
all these pictures?
35
00:01:38,002 --> 00:01:39,368
Oh, nothing.
36
00:01:39,404 --> 00:01:41,404
They're just some stupid
scribbles I've been working on
37
00:01:41,439 --> 00:01:42,738
for a children's book.
38
00:01:42,774 --> 00:01:43,873
I don't think
that's stupid.
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00:01:43,908 --> 00:01:45,074
I think that's
awesome!
40
00:01:45,109 --> 00:01:46,542
I mean, my one
note on these
41
00:01:46,577 --> 00:01:48,811
would be to hide a bunch
of dongs in the backgrounds,
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00:01:48,846 --> 00:01:50,246
but, otherwise, I
think they're great!
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00:01:50,281 --> 00:01:52,882
Wow. Well, that really means
a lot to me, Peter.
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00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:54,850
I've been working on this book
for nine years,
45
00:01:54,886 --> 00:01:56,919
but I've been too afraid
to show it to anybody.
46
00:01:56,954 --> 00:01:58,821
Come on, Joe.
You can't be afraid.
47
00:01:58,856 --> 00:02:01,524
What if Bono had been afraid
to wear sunglasses?
48
00:02:01,559 --> 00:02:02,959
Then nobody would know
about Africa.
49
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,260
What's it about?
50
00:02:04,295 --> 00:02:06,395
Well, it's called
The Hopeful Squirrel.
51
00:02:06,431 --> 00:02:07,930
It's about
a handicapped squirrel
52
00:02:07,965 --> 00:02:09,999
who has to learn
to overcome his disabilities
53
00:02:10,034 --> 00:02:11,701
so he can survive in the wild.
54
00:02:11,736 --> 00:02:14,770
As you can imagine,
it's very personal to me.
55
00:02:14,806 --> 00:02:18,240
Wait... were you
once a squirrel?
56
00:02:18,276 --> 00:02:20,209
No, Peter.
I'm handicapped.
57
00:02:20,244 --> 00:02:22,284
Well, you know, you ought
to do something with this.
58
00:02:22,313 --> 00:02:23,412
Really? You think so?
59
00:02:23,448 --> 00:02:24,547
Hey, trust me, Joe.
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00:02:24,582 --> 00:02:25,981
I know talent
when I see it.
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00:02:26,017 --> 00:02:27,883
I mean, I discovered
Mr. Peanut.
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00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:29,685
Ordinary legume.
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00:02:29,721 --> 00:02:31,554
Ordinary legume.
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00:02:31,589 --> 00:02:34,123
Extraordinary peanut!
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00:02:38,262 --> 00:02:40,029
Oh, man.
There she is.
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00:02:40,064 --> 00:02:40,930
Wha... Who?
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00:02:40,965 --> 00:02:42,131
That girl,
right there.
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00:02:42,166 --> 00:02:44,300
She comes in here every morning
after her run.
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00:02:44,335 --> 00:02:46,035
Ah, I'm obsessed
with her.
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00:02:46,070 --> 00:02:47,670
Well, why don't
you go talk to her?
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00:02:47,705 --> 00:02:49,171
Way ahead of ya.
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00:02:49,207 --> 00:02:50,706
Wh... Where
are you going?
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00:02:53,344 --> 00:02:55,211
And... 1,000.
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00:02:55,246 --> 00:02:56,246
Whew.
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00:02:56,247 --> 00:02:57,613
1,000 what?
76
00:02:57,648 --> 00:02:59,682
Percent, that's what.
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00:02:59,717 --> 00:03:01,383
You, uh, you in
the game, too?
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00:03:01,419 --> 00:03:03,018
You mean running?
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00:03:03,054 --> 00:03:04,854
Uh, let me think--
what's on my trophies?
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00:03:04,889 --> 00:03:06,288
Uh... yes!
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00:03:06,324 --> 00:03:07,356
You're losing her!
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00:03:07,391 --> 00:03:08,391
Hey, I'm Brian.
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00:03:08,392 --> 00:03:09,392
Hi, I'm Chloe.
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00:03:09,393 --> 00:03:10,393
Nice to meet you.
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00:03:10,394 --> 00:03:12,027
Hey, uh, you
wouldn't maybe want
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00:03:12,063 --> 00:03:13,996
to grab a bite to eat
sometime, would you?
87
00:03:14,031 --> 00:03:15,031
That sounds great.
88
00:03:15,032 --> 00:03:16,098
Awesome.
89
00:03:16,134 --> 00:03:17,967
You know, see, this is
how you meet people.
90
00:03:18,002 --> 00:03:19,502
I tried the online
dating thing,
91
00:03:19,537 --> 00:03:21,637
but there's just too much
competition out there.
92
00:03:24,375 --> 00:03:26,695
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
93
00:03:26,711 --> 00:03:29,245
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,914
Short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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00:03:31,949 --> 00:03:34,283
Hi, I'm Al Harrington
of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving
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00:03:34,318 --> 00:03:37,019
Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube-Man
Warehouse and Emporium.
97
00:03:37,054 --> 00:03:39,155
Due to a gut-busting divorce,
limited people skills,
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00:03:39,190 --> 00:03:41,190
and significant prodding
from my therapist,
99
00:03:41,225 --> 00:03:43,692
I am currently seeking online
companionship as
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00:03:43,728 --> 00:03:46,428
a short, but handsome, slightly
hairy, newly single salesman.
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00:03:46,464 --> 00:03:47,763
And I would love to attempt
102
00:03:47,799 --> 00:03:50,166
to convert my heavily
embellished Internet profile
103
00:03:50,201 --> 00:03:52,001
and carefully airbrushed,
out-of-date photo,
104
00:03:52,036 --> 00:03:55,971
into a night of
physical intimacy with you...!
105
00:04:03,347 --> 00:04:05,581
Peter, I just heard
the best news.
106
00:04:05,616 --> 00:04:08,117
Wow, word gets
around fast.
107
00:04:08,152 --> 00:04:09,084
Nice, right?
108
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:10,586
No. Peter,
I took your advice
109
00:04:10,621 --> 00:04:12,354
and sent my book
to a publisher.
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00:04:12,390 --> 00:04:14,590
They're gonna publish
The Hopeful Squirrel.
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00:04:14,625 --> 00:04:15,925
And it's all
thanks to you!
112
00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:17,259
Joe, that's amazing!
113
00:04:17,295 --> 00:04:19,328
So there's gonna be a
real live book out there
114
00:04:19,363 --> 00:04:20,529
with your name on it?
115
00:04:20,565 --> 00:04:22,898
Well, actually, I'm writing it
under a pen name--
116
00:04:22,934 --> 00:04:24,300
David Chicago.
117
00:04:24,335 --> 00:04:27,136
Well, how come you didn't
just write it under Joe...
118
00:04:27,171 --> 00:04:28,637
S... Steenburj...
119
00:04:28,673 --> 00:04:29,972
You know,
your real name?
120
00:04:30,007 --> 00:04:32,641
I wanted to avoid catching crap
down at the police station.
121
00:04:32,677 --> 00:04:34,610
They don't like
anything artistic.
122
00:04:34,645 --> 00:04:36,846
They were pretty rough
on my mime act.
123
00:04:36,881 --> 00:04:38,113
I'm in a box.
124
00:04:38,149 --> 00:04:40,683
Oop, that's the
back of the box.
125
00:04:40,718 --> 00:04:42,017
You're not supposed
to talk!
126
00:04:42,053 --> 00:04:44,753
Well, how else are you
gonna know I'm in a box?!
127
00:04:49,193 --> 00:04:50,459
Oh. Hi, Brian.
128
00:04:50,494 --> 00:04:52,027
Hey. You, uh...
129
00:04:52,063 --> 00:04:53,662
you didn't forget
about our date, did you?
130
00:04:53,698 --> 00:04:54,864
Of course not.
131
00:04:54,899 --> 00:04:56,665
I was just thinking,
since it's so nice out,
132
00:04:56,701 --> 00:04:58,734
we could go out for
a run and then eat.
133
00:04:58,769 --> 00:05:01,403
Oh. Yeah. N-no, no. You know,
I would totally do that.
134
00:05:01,439 --> 00:05:05,174
I-I just... I've already run,
like, so many "K" today.
135
00:05:05,209 --> 00:05:06,675
Oh, come on,
don't be a wimp!
136
00:05:06,711 --> 00:05:08,744
This way, you'll earn
your dessert.
137
00:05:12,483 --> 00:05:14,750
Wow, this is great,
isn't it, Brian?
138
00:05:14,785 --> 00:05:16,485
Yeah, it's awesome.
139
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:18,454
Hey, uh, is your vision
140
00:05:18,489 --> 00:05:20,890
also reduced
to just a tiny pinhole?
141
00:05:20,925 --> 00:05:22,358
Just push
through it, Brian.
142
00:05:22,393 --> 00:05:24,026
Once you hit
your runner's high,
143
00:05:24,061 --> 00:05:25,561
you'll catch
your second wind.
144
00:05:25,596 --> 00:05:26,629
Runner's high?
145
00:05:26,664 --> 00:05:28,664
Yeah, my endorphins
always kick in
146
00:05:28,699 --> 00:05:30,366
at the top of this hill.
147
00:05:31,936 --> 00:05:33,402
Oh, crap.
148
00:05:38,109 --> 00:05:39,942
Brian, this is your heart.
149
00:05:39,977 --> 00:05:41,343
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
150
00:05:41,379 --> 00:05:42,511
Stop.
151
00:05:42,546 --> 00:05:44,213
Brian, this is your penis.
152
00:05:44,248 --> 00:05:45,281
Don't listen to him.
153
00:05:45,316 --> 00:05:46,949
We're this close to Bone City.
154
00:05:46,984 --> 00:05:48,884
Brian, I'm here, too.
155
00:05:48,920 --> 00:05:51,587
I'm hanging out with your penis
and your heart.
156
00:05:51,622 --> 00:05:53,722
Okay, here comes the top.
157
00:05:53,758 --> 00:05:55,190
Chloe, I'm not sure I can...
158
00:05:57,228 --> 00:05:59,561
I feel it.
159
00:05:59,597 --> 00:06:01,897
I'm feeling the runner's high.
160
00:06:01,933 --> 00:06:04,700
♪ It was a beautiful day ♪
161
00:06:04,735 --> 00:06:07,102
♪ The sun beat down ♪
162
00:06:07,138 --> 00:06:08,771
♪ I had the radio on... ♪
163
00:06:08,806 --> 00:06:11,407
Go get 'em, Brian!
164
00:06:11,442 --> 00:06:14,410
By the way, the sun
is really a black guy.
165
00:06:14,445 --> 00:06:16,645
The moon is Korean!
166
00:06:16,681 --> 00:06:19,048
Wow, this is amazing.
167
00:06:19,083 --> 00:06:21,750
I never want to lose
this feeling.
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00:06:21,786 --> 00:06:24,620
♪ Yeah, I'm running'
down a dream ♪
169
00:06:24,655 --> 00:06:27,523
♪ That never would come to me ♪
170
00:06:27,558 --> 00:06:31,026
♪ Workin' on a mystery... ♪
171
00:06:32,029 --> 00:06:33,362
Oh, Brian.
172
00:06:33,397 --> 00:06:34,964
That was incredible.
173
00:06:34,999 --> 00:06:38,267
Yeah, you hump her
real good, Brian!
174
00:06:38,302 --> 00:06:40,302
I'm gonna go ahead
and close the shades.
175
00:06:41,305 --> 00:06:43,973
I still see you!
176
00:06:47,144 --> 00:06:48,444
Hello, everyone.
I'm Blake Walker
177
00:06:48,479 --> 00:06:50,045
from Piermont Publishing.
178
00:06:50,081 --> 00:06:52,681
Please join me in welcoming
David Chicago.
179
00:06:54,552 --> 00:06:57,953
Okay, so, uh, hi, folks,
and thank you all for coming.
180
00:06:57,989 --> 00:07:00,322
I know this would've been
a great day to surf.
181
00:07:00,358 --> 00:07:01,857
That's not a joke!
182
00:07:01,892 --> 00:07:05,427
Uh, anyway,
this is The Hopeful Squirrel.
183
00:07:05,463 --> 00:07:07,896
"There once was
a handicapped squirrel
184
00:07:07,932 --> 00:07:10,265
who could not climb trees
to get food."
185
00:07:10,301 --> 00:07:12,301
Okay, next page.
186
00:07:16,507 --> 00:07:17,740
"The squirrel"--
187
00:07:17,775 --> 00:07:19,441
the same squirrel
from the first page--
188
00:07:19,477 --> 00:07:22,911
"hoped that the other animals
would share their food with him.
189
00:07:22,947 --> 00:07:24,913
"'Please,'
said the Hopeful Squirrel.
190
00:07:24,949 --> 00:07:27,216
"'If you could all spare
just one nut,
191
00:07:27,251 --> 00:07:29,351
I, too, could survive
the winter.'"
192
00:07:29,387 --> 00:07:30,986
Sorry about that.
193
00:07:31,022 --> 00:07:33,222
Mommy, I don't like
the wheel man.
194
00:07:33,257 --> 00:07:35,057
"But none of the other animals
195
00:07:35,092 --> 00:07:38,360
would share
with the Hopeful Squirrel."
196
00:07:38,396 --> 00:07:40,162
Hey, eyes front! I'm talking!
197
00:07:40,197 --> 00:07:41,764
Don't tell my kid what to do.
198
00:07:41,799 --> 00:07:43,766
Well, maybe if you did,
I wouldn't have to!
199
00:07:45,569 --> 00:07:47,036
Shut up! This is free!
200
00:07:47,071 --> 00:07:48,351
You know why it's free?
201
00:07:48,372 --> 00:07:50,239
'Cause it sucks!
Quagmire?
202
00:07:50,274 --> 00:07:53,208
I think it might
be time to leave.
203
00:07:53,244 --> 00:07:55,277
Ah, crap, this is Joe's dream.
204
00:07:55,312 --> 00:07:57,112
I got to do something.
205
00:07:57,148 --> 00:07:58,447
Joe, what are
you doing?
206
00:07:58,482 --> 00:08:00,282
The-the squirrel doesn't
even sound hopeful.
207
00:08:00,317 --> 00:08:01,683
It's got to be like,
208
00:08:01,719 --> 00:08:03,819
"If you
could spare just one nut,
209
00:08:03,854 --> 00:08:06,121
I, too, could
survive the winter!"
210
00:08:06,157 --> 00:08:07,556
Oh, I like that voice.
211
00:08:07,591 --> 00:08:08,924
He's funny.
212
00:08:08,959 --> 00:08:11,126
That's the man who passed out
at the liquor store.
213
00:08:11,162 --> 00:08:13,295
Joe, quick,
give me the book.
214
00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:17,399
"And so, the squirrel decided
to climb for his own nuts.
215
00:08:17,435 --> 00:08:20,269
"'I don't need legs when
I've got a positive attitude
216
00:08:20,304 --> 00:08:22,438
and arm strength.'"
217
00:08:22,473 --> 00:08:25,107
"'I'm sorry that
we mistreated you,'
218
00:08:25,142 --> 00:08:27,076
"said Buddy the Badger.
219
00:08:27,111 --> 00:08:28,577
"'Could you find it
in your heart
220
00:08:28,612 --> 00:08:30,212
"to share your nuts with us?'
221
00:08:30,247 --> 00:08:32,548
"'Of course I'll share
with you all,'
222
00:08:32,583 --> 00:08:33,782
"said the squirrel.
223
00:08:33,818 --> 00:08:35,484
"'For if I could not forgive,
224
00:08:35,519 --> 00:08:38,587
then I would be
truly handicapped.'"
225
00:08:45,830 --> 00:08:47,930
Wow, that was great.
Who are you?
226
00:08:47,965 --> 00:08:50,399
Just a grown man
with a pet hermit crab.
227
00:08:50,434 --> 00:08:52,734
Listen, Joe, how would you feel
about your friend
228
00:08:52,770 --> 00:08:54,770
getting more involved?
What do you mean?
229
00:08:54,805 --> 00:08:57,206
Well, you would write the books,
and your friend, Peter,
230
00:08:57,241 --> 00:08:59,308
would be the public face
of The Hopeful Squirrel.
231
00:08:59,343 --> 00:09:01,043
He would be David Chicago.
232
00:09:01,078 --> 00:09:03,745
Well, I...
I don't know.
233
00:09:03,781 --> 00:09:05,380
Joe, this happens
all the time.
234
00:09:05,416 --> 00:09:06,715
You wouldn't believe
who really writes
235
00:09:06,750 --> 00:09:08,584
all those Stephen King books.
236
00:09:08,619 --> 00:09:10,953
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Ding!
237
00:09:10,988 --> 00:09:13,322
Scary stuff,
scary stuff, scary stuff. Ding!
238
00:09:13,357 --> 00:09:16,358
Scary stuff, scary stuff,
scary stuff. Lunch!
239
00:09:16,393 --> 00:09:18,527
Look, Peter can get this book
into the hands
240
00:09:18,562 --> 00:09:20,095
of every kid in America.
241
00:09:20,131 --> 00:09:21,430
That's what you wanted,
isn't it?
242
00:09:21,465 --> 00:09:22,998
All right.
243
00:09:23,033 --> 00:09:25,467
Well, whatever you think
is best for the book.
244
00:09:25,503 --> 00:09:27,436
Great! So it's all agreed.
245
00:09:27,471 --> 00:09:29,271
Can't wait to work
with you, Peter.
246
00:09:29,306 --> 00:09:31,740
What-what just happened?
247
00:09:31,775 --> 00:09:34,009
Oh, the bookstore closed
and is now a Target.
248
00:09:34,044 --> 00:09:36,745
But don't worry,
our industry's fine.
249
00:09:41,763 --> 00:09:43,763
Excuse me, Mr. Chicago?
250
00:09:43,798 --> 00:09:45,665
Could you please sign
my copy of your book?
251
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,300
Sure, I...
Easy there, Joe.
252
00:09:47,335 --> 00:09:49,335
Hot Rod asked for Mr. Chicago.
253
00:09:51,673 --> 00:09:54,307
"Give me all your money.
I have a gun"?
254
00:09:54,342 --> 00:09:56,742
Oh, wait, I think
I messed something up.
255
00:09:56,778 --> 00:09:58,978
"Never give up on your dreams"?
256
00:10:01,683 --> 00:10:04,050
Listen, Peter, if you're
gonna act as David Chicago,
257
00:10:04,085 --> 00:10:06,385
I need to know that you're
gonna take this seriously
258
00:10:06,421 --> 00:10:08,321
and honor the message
of the book.
259
00:10:08,356 --> 00:10:10,089
Joe, I got it. Trust me.
260
00:10:10,124 --> 00:10:11,357
This ain't the first time
261
00:10:11,392 --> 00:10:13,259
I've pretended
to be someone I'm not.
262
00:10:15,196 --> 00:10:18,497
Gene Shalit, I am the
ghost of Roger Ebert.
263
00:10:18,533 --> 00:10:20,299
And even in death,
264
00:10:20,335 --> 00:10:22,134
I'm a better
critic than you.
265
00:10:22,170 --> 00:10:24,103
Leave me alone!
Go back to hell!
266
00:10:25,306 --> 00:10:27,473
Gene, is everything
all right?
267
00:10:27,508 --> 00:10:28,608
It's fine, Joanne.
268
00:10:28,643 --> 00:10:30,009
Go back to sleep.
269
00:10:43,191 --> 00:10:44,824
Good afternoon,
I'm Tom Tucker.
270
00:10:44,859 --> 00:10:47,793
Welcome to another edition
of Cross-Legged Chat.
271
00:10:47,829 --> 00:10:49,528
Our guest on
today's show is
272
00:10:49,564 --> 00:10:52,832
local bestselling children's
book author David Chicago.
273
00:10:52,867 --> 00:10:54,266
Welcome.
Thank you.
274
00:10:54,302 --> 00:10:56,402
Wow, all your words are
right there for you?
275
00:10:57,538 --> 00:10:59,905
Quite... quite the imagination
on this one.
276
00:10:59,941 --> 00:11:01,707
So, tell me,
how did you decide
277
00:11:01,743 --> 00:11:03,709
to write about
a handicapped squirrel?
278
00:11:04,946 --> 00:11:06,545
You know, I'd see
these crippled kids
279
00:11:06,581 --> 00:11:08,481
limping down the sidewalk
on my way to work,
280
00:11:08,516 --> 00:11:10,616
and I would just
laugh and laugh,
281
00:11:10,652 --> 00:11:12,518
and I thought,
"Hey! Put that in a book!"
282
00:11:14,422 --> 00:11:17,657
He's making people laugh
at handicapped people.
283
00:11:17,692 --> 00:11:18,891
What's he doing out there?!
284
00:11:18,926 --> 00:11:20,259
I'll tell you
what he's doing,
285
00:11:20,294 --> 00:11:21,614
he's selling books!
They love him!
286
00:11:21,629 --> 00:11:23,462
Now, I understand
we have some questions
287
00:11:23,498 --> 00:11:24,530
from the audience.
288
00:11:24,565 --> 00:11:26,032
Yes, I have a question.
289
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:28,534
Is the Hopeful Squirrel
a boy or a girl?
290
00:11:28,569 --> 00:11:29,835
I'm a boy!
291
00:11:29,871 --> 00:11:32,204
But in the book,
I'm drawn smooth down there,
292
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,240
so it's not a bad question.
293
00:11:34,275 --> 00:11:35,508
Okay, that's all our time.
294
00:11:35,543 --> 00:11:37,576
We invite you to stay tuned
through the credits
295
00:11:37,612 --> 00:11:39,745
so you can see
where I buy my clothes.
296
00:11:51,659 --> 00:11:53,059
So what's
going on here?
297
00:11:53,094 --> 00:11:54,527
Just having dinner.
298
00:11:54,562 --> 00:11:57,063
That's Dad's chair.
He's gonna be mad.
299
00:11:57,098 --> 00:12:00,399
Wow, Brian, you sure have been
doing a lot of jogging lately.
300
00:12:00,435 --> 00:12:02,668
It's called "running," Lois.
301
00:12:02,704 --> 00:12:04,003
Why don't you
have some food?
302
00:12:04,038 --> 00:12:05,538
Oh, you mean fuel?
303
00:12:05,573 --> 00:12:07,740
Ah, no-no offense,
Lois, but that stuff
304
00:12:07,775 --> 00:12:09,542
is nothing but chemicals
and empty calories.
305
00:12:09,577 --> 00:12:12,411
Okay. I'll mush some up
and put it on the floor
306
00:12:12,447 --> 00:12:14,313
next to the trash,
if you get hungry.
307
00:12:14,348 --> 00:12:16,248
I think you bought
girl running shoes.
308
00:12:16,284 --> 00:12:17,850
You know, in case
any of you want to,
309
00:12:17,885 --> 00:12:19,185
uh, come cheer us on,
310
00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:21,087
Chloe and I are doing
the Quahog Marathon
311
00:12:21,122 --> 00:12:22,188
in a couple weeks.
312
00:12:22,223 --> 00:12:23,422
A marathon?
313
00:12:23,458 --> 00:12:25,758
But-but what if that sexy boy
has another bomb?
314
00:12:25,793 --> 00:12:28,260
Yeah, are you sure
you can finish a marathon?
315
00:12:28,296 --> 00:12:29,462
I'm not worried, Meg.
316
00:12:29,497 --> 00:12:31,330
I'm just gonna give it
all I've got,
317
00:12:31,365 --> 00:12:33,666
like Scotty
engineering the Enterprise.
318
00:12:35,136 --> 00:12:36,602
Scotty, we need more speed!
319
00:12:36,637 --> 00:12:38,537
I'm giving her
all she's got, Captain!
320
00:12:38,573 --> 00:12:39,872
She can't take any more!
321
00:12:39,907 --> 00:12:42,641
Damn. Chekov, reroute
auxiliary power to the helm.
322
00:12:42,677 --> 00:12:44,143
Scotty to the bridge.
323
00:12:44,145 --> 00:12:47,546
Uh... Captain, this uh...
this is a little embarrassing,
324
00:12:47,582 --> 00:12:49,448
but, uh, you know,
I've never noticed, uh,
325
00:12:49,484 --> 00:12:51,517
the little lever
I've been pushing, it's...
326
00:12:51,552 --> 00:12:53,452
it's only about two-thirds
of the way up.
327
00:12:53,488 --> 00:12:55,387
I-I actually can give her more.
328
00:12:55,423 --> 00:12:56,423
That's great, Scotty!
329
00:12:56,424 --> 00:12:57,823
Mr. Spock, give us
readings on...
330
00:12:57,859 --> 00:12:59,692
Uh, C-Captain, Scotty again.
331
00:12:59,727 --> 00:13:01,360
Y... You're not gonna
believe this.
332
00:13:01,395 --> 00:13:03,395
Uh, Th another lever her.
333
00:13:03,431 --> 00:13:06,298
The ship can literally go
three times as fast.
334
00:13:06,334 --> 00:13:07,700
I...
I'm sorry.
335
00:13:07,735 --> 00:13:09,935
I feel like such a capital-J
jerk right now.
336
00:13:09,971 --> 00:13:11,036
It's okay, Scotty.
337
00:13:11,072 --> 00:13:13,105
Lieutenant Uhura,
open all channels for...
338
00:13:13,141 --> 00:13:15,808
Captain, I've-I've got to, uh,
interrupt again.
339
00:13:15,843 --> 00:13:17,076
I've just been thinking about
340
00:13:17,111 --> 00:13:18,878
this-this "giving her
all she's got" thing.
341
00:13:18,913 --> 00:13:21,747
I mean, I've been completely
wrong for years now.
342
00:13:21,783 --> 00:13:23,315
I-I feel terrible.
343
00:13:23,351 --> 00:13:25,384
I mean, think of how many
crises we've been in
344
00:13:25,419 --> 00:13:27,453
where the issue was
how fast we could go.
345
00:13:27,488 --> 00:13:29,755
I-I mean... I'm sorry, Captain.
346
00:13:29,791 --> 00:13:30,923
Scotty, it's okay.
347
00:13:30,958 --> 00:13:31,991
No, it's not!
348
00:13:32,026 --> 00:13:33,392
Eric's dead!
349
00:13:33,427 --> 00:13:36,295
At the funeral, I literally
said the words to his wife,
350
00:13:36,330 --> 00:13:37,897
"I was giving her
all she's got."
351
00:13:37,932 --> 00:13:39,265
Scotty, it's fine.
352
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:40,300
Sulu, lock phasers...
353
00:13:40,301 --> 00:13:42,034
Captain, I just
got to jump in here.
354
00:13:42,069 --> 00:13:43,602
W-We don't have enough
dilithium crystals
355
00:13:43,638 --> 00:13:45,004
to run the phasers
356
00:13:46,474 --> 00:13:49,508
I've-I've lost all credibility,
haven't I?
357
00:13:53,548 --> 00:13:55,848
Peter, I think
we need to talk.
358
00:13:55,883 --> 00:13:57,583
You totally screwed up my book.
359
00:13:57,618 --> 00:13:59,752
You're getting kids to laugh
at handicapped people,
360
00:13:59,787 --> 00:14:01,587
when I'm trying to inspire them.
361
00:14:01,622 --> 00:14:03,422
I'm afraid you're
off the project.
362
00:14:03,457 --> 00:14:04,457
What?
363
00:14:04,458 --> 00:14:05,858
You can't kick me
off the project.
364
00:14:05,893 --> 00:14:06,959
I'm David Chicago!
365
00:14:06,994 --> 00:14:08,594
I'm the one who
wrote the book.
366
00:14:08,629 --> 00:14:10,262
Joe, come on.
Let's not kid ourselves.
367
00:14:10,298 --> 00:14:11,864
All right?
Everybody knows my face now.
368
00:14:11,899 --> 00:14:13,766
And besides, I'm the only
one of the two of us
369
00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:15,534
who can do
a squirrel voice.
370
00:14:15,570 --> 00:14:17,436
Well, I don't know
if that's quite true.
371
00:14:17,471 --> 00:14:19,371
Joe, Joe, stop.
You're embarrassing yourself.
372
00:14:19,407 --> 00:14:21,841
Sorry, Joe, but
the publisher loves me.
373
00:14:21,876 --> 00:14:23,242
The public loves me.
374
00:14:23,277 --> 00:14:24,376
I'm not going anywhere.
375
00:14:24,412 --> 00:14:25,878
Screw you, Peter!
You know what?
376
00:14:25,913 --> 00:14:27,146
You've ruined this for me.
377
00:14:27,181 --> 00:14:28,914
I want nothing
to do with the book,
378
00:14:28,950 --> 00:14:30,683
and I want nothing
to do with you!
379
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,988
Aw, one of his shoes fell off
during the anger.
380
00:14:41,738 --> 00:14:44,606
Peter, Bonnie told me
that Joe's very upset.
381
00:14:44,641 --> 00:14:46,541
Did you really take
his book away from him?
382
00:14:46,577 --> 00:14:48,410
Did you just poop
and then get into bed
383
00:14:48,445 --> 00:14:49,445
without underwear on?
384
00:14:49,479 --> 00:14:51,613
That book really
meant a lot to Joe.
385
00:14:51,648 --> 00:14:53,148
I think you should
talk to him.
386
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:55,317
Hey, that book would've
been nothing without me.
387
00:14:55,352 --> 00:14:57,152
And besides,
he's the one who quit.
388
00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:58,887
Now the publisher
wants another book
389
00:14:58,922 --> 00:15:00,021
and it's all on me!
390
00:15:00,057 --> 00:15:02,324
I just hate to see
you two in a fight.
391
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:05,227
And on the same week
when my sister and I
392
00:15:05,262 --> 00:15:07,362
are having such
a big fight, too.
393
00:15:09,166 --> 00:15:10,565
Good night, Lois.
394
00:15:14,905 --> 00:15:16,805
All right, guys.
Ideas, ideas.
395
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:18,573
We got a Hopeful Squirrel
book to write.
396
00:15:18,609 --> 00:15:19,908
All right, now,
who's got something?
397
00:15:19,943 --> 00:15:21,543
I-I got... I got something.
398
00:15:21,578 --> 00:15:25,847
What if the squirrel
has lasers...
399
00:15:25,882 --> 00:15:27,482
that he shoots
out of his eyes!
400
00:15:27,517 --> 00:15:28,817
Quagmire's
on the board.
401
00:15:28,852 --> 00:15:31,052
And how 'bout
he got a frog friend
402
00:15:31,088 --> 00:15:32,887
that's got some sort
of catchphrase?
403
00:15:32,923 --> 00:15:35,690
Like, if he's seeing something
kooky, he could be like,
404
00:15:35,726 --> 00:15:39,261
"Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!"
405
00:15:39,296 --> 00:15:40,629
Wow.
406
00:15:40,664 --> 00:15:42,330
God just speaks
right through you,
407
00:15:42,366 --> 00:15:43,366
doesn't he, Cleveland?
408
00:15:43,367 --> 00:15:44,532
I believe he does.
409
00:15:44,568 --> 00:15:45,834
Okay, what else,
what else?
410
00:15:45,869 --> 00:15:48,303
If there's
a bison...
411
00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:50,005
Is that a statement
or a question?
412
00:15:50,040 --> 00:15:51,306
It is what it is.
413
00:15:51,341 --> 00:15:53,408
Ain't nothing gotta
be nothing, huh?
414
00:15:57,014 --> 00:15:59,454
Hey, Stewie! Can you come
in the bathroom for a second?
415
00:16:00,817 --> 00:16:03,051
What is it, Bri...
Oh, my God!
416
00:16:03,086 --> 00:16:04,686
Hey, could you
close the gate?
417
00:16:04,721 --> 00:16:07,455
Couple of calves
got loose. Ha, pow!
418
00:16:07,491 --> 00:16:09,224
Brian, you're all sinewy.
419
00:16:09,259 --> 00:16:11,926
Your whole body looks like
Paul McCartney's neck.
420
00:16:11,962 --> 00:16:13,662
Thanks.
That's not a compliment.
421
00:16:13,697 --> 00:16:14,697
You look terrible.
422
00:16:14,698 --> 00:16:16,097
What does your
girlfriend think of this?
423
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:17,966
I dumped her; she
couldn't keep up with me.
424
00:16:18,001 --> 00:16:19,601
Hey, grab me some more
Band-Aids, will you?
425
00:16:19,636 --> 00:16:20,869
I got, like, eight
more nipples
426
00:16:20,904 --> 00:16:22,337
to cover up
before my run.
427
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:25,974
You know, whatever you're doing,
it isn't healthy, Brian.
428
00:16:26,009 --> 00:16:27,342
Oh, I'm not healthy?
429
00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:30,011
Stewie, my heart rate is
down to four beats a minute.
430
00:16:30,047 --> 00:16:31,613
Besides, I got
to keep training.
431
00:16:31,648 --> 00:16:33,181
The marathon's
in two days.
432
00:16:33,216 --> 00:16:36,051
Ian, I-I'm worried you're
losing yourself in all this.
433
00:16:36,086 --> 00:16:37,552
Do you remember that phase
434
00:16:37,587 --> 00:16:39,521
when you thought
you were a pointer dog?
435
00:16:39,556 --> 00:16:41,890
Was someone wearing
my new high heels?
436
00:16:43,327 --> 00:16:44,826
You dick.
437
00:16:54,338 --> 00:16:55,837
Ladies and gentlemen,
438
00:16:55,872 --> 00:16:57,372
boys and girls,
439
00:16:57,407 --> 00:16:59,407
hot moms who are married
but looking...
440
00:17:00,444 --> 00:17:03,144
David Chicago!
441
00:17:05,949 --> 00:17:09,050
Hey, how many of
y'all bitches like to read?
442
00:17:13,190 --> 00:17:14,522
"Chapter One.
443
00:17:14,558 --> 00:17:16,291
"It was winter in the forest,
444
00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:19,461
"so the squirrel was happy
he'd built that hot tub.
445
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:23,031
"But little did he know,
a strain of super gonorrhea
446
00:17:23,066 --> 00:17:24,666
"was gonna hit him so fierce
447
00:17:24,701 --> 00:17:28,069
"he'd wish he was still
paralyzed from the waist down.
448
00:17:28,105 --> 00:17:30,572
"On top of that,
some son of a bitch
449
00:17:30,607 --> 00:17:32,240
killed his brother."
450
00:17:34,077 --> 00:17:35,810
"The monkey's
kick-ass buzz saw hand
451
00:17:37,314 --> 00:17:40,448
"'His brains, his brains--
they're everywhere!'
452
00:17:40,484 --> 00:17:42,283
the little girl yelled."
453
00:17:42,319 --> 00:17:44,753
"'Damn, that's cray-cray
in a good way, right there!'"
454
00:17:44,788 --> 00:17:47,088
"...exclaimed
Billy the Bullfrog."
455
00:17:47,124 --> 00:17:50,291
"The woodchuck mom and her baby
finished their cocoa
456
00:17:50,327 --> 00:17:52,894
"and then tucked in
for another cozy night.
457
00:17:52,929 --> 00:17:55,196
But then..."
458
00:17:55,232 --> 00:17:58,066
"'Nothing but cops on the take
and hookers on the make,'
459
00:17:58,101 --> 00:17:59,567
"said Randy the Raccoon.
460
00:17:59,603 --> 00:18:02,670
"'What's a hooker?'
asked the bunny, who was gay.
461
00:18:02,706 --> 00:18:03,938
"'That and a bag of crank
462
00:18:03,974 --> 00:18:06,107
"is my Saturday night!'
spat Randy.
463
00:18:06,143 --> 00:18:08,309
The end."
464
00:18:09,646 --> 00:18:11,479
You're awful.
That was the worst.
465
00:18:11,515 --> 00:18:13,181
We had trouble hearing
you in the back.
466
00:18:16,019 --> 00:18:19,254
I'm sorry, Peter,
you're fired.
467
00:18:19,289 --> 00:18:22,557
I'm sorry Joe's dream
didn't work out for you, Peter.
468
00:18:22,592 --> 00:18:24,659
What was I thinking?
469
00:18:24,694 --> 00:18:26,795
Joe's the one with
all the talent.
470
00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:28,363
Me trying to
write a book
471
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:31,099
is like CeeLo trying to
find a pair of pants.
472
00:18:31,134 --> 00:18:34,969
Yeah, I need to find something
a cartoon apple would wear.
473
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:40,909
Hey, you made it!
474
00:18:40,944 --> 00:18:42,811
So you ready to watch
me kick some ass?
475
00:18:42,846 --> 00:18:44,979
Brian, I think you've taken
all of this too far.
476
00:18:45,015 --> 00:18:47,549
You know, there is such a thing
as too much exercise.
477
00:18:47,584 --> 00:18:49,284
Stewie, I know you're
worried, all right?
478
00:18:49,319 --> 00:18:51,152
And no offense, but
I'm not taking advice
479
00:18:51,188 --> 00:18:52,654
from a guy
who eats bread.
480
00:18:52,689 --> 00:18:54,355
Runners, take your marks!
481
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:05,200
Oh, son of a bitch!
482
00:19:05,235 --> 00:19:06,701
Ow, my leg!
483
00:19:06,736 --> 00:19:08,303
Help me, somebody!
484
00:19:14,945 --> 00:19:18,847
Brian, why does everything
you touch turn to garbage?
485
00:19:25,856 --> 00:19:26,856
Peter.
486
00:19:26,890 --> 00:19:28,923
Look, Joe,
I messed up.
487
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:30,592
All right? I just...
488
00:19:30,627 --> 00:19:33,628
I just got so wrapped up
in all the attention.
489
00:19:33,663 --> 00:19:36,197
The attention
you deserved.
490
00:19:36,233 --> 00:19:37,966
I know how much
this meant to you,
491
00:19:38,001 --> 00:19:40,368
and I... I should've
just stayed out of it.
492
00:19:40,403 --> 00:19:42,370
Listen, I'm...
493
00:19:42,405 --> 00:19:45,240
I'm sorry
I mistreated you.
494
00:19:45,275 --> 00:19:47,876
Okay?
You deserve better.
495
00:19:47,911 --> 00:19:49,410
Peter, wait.
496
00:19:49,446 --> 00:19:51,779
If I could
not forgive,
497
00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:53,948
then I would be
truly handicapped.
498
00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:54,984
What?
499
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:56,217
It's from the
book, Peter.
500
00:19:56,253 --> 00:19:57,253
What book?
501
00:19:57,254 --> 00:19:58,386
I forgive you, Peter.
502
00:19:58,421 --> 00:19:59,421
You do?
503
00:19:59,422 --> 00:20:01,256
Yeah. The truth is,
504
00:20:01,291 --> 00:20:03,024
I never would have
had the confidence
505
00:20:03,059 --> 00:20:04,893
to get my book published
in the first place.
506
00:20:04,928 --> 00:20:06,694
And that's all I ever wanted.
507
00:20:06,730 --> 00:20:08,296
Friends?
508
00:20:08,331 --> 00:20:10,231
Frasier.
509
00:20:15,005 --> 00:20:16,404
So, Bri, how's
that ankle itch?
510
00:20:16,439 --> 00:20:17,505
Well, what
do you mean?
511
00:20:17,541 --> 00:20:18,806
I'm just saying,
you probably have
512
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:20,341
an itchy ankle
under that cast.
513
00:20:20,377 --> 00:20:21,609
It starts as a tickle
514
00:20:21,645 --> 00:20:22,965
and then you can't
quite reach it?
515
00:20:22,979 --> 00:20:24,579
Not gonna work, Stewie.
Yes, you're right.
516
00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:25,813
Best not
to think about it.
517
00:20:25,849 --> 00:20:27,415
Even though it might
be a little bug
518
00:20:27,450 --> 00:20:29,150
digging away
down there,
519
00:20:29,185 --> 00:20:30,685
just nagging
and itching and...
520
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,620
Ah, ah, crap,
I did it to myself!
521
00:20:32,656 --> 00:20:34,422
Ah, wh is that?
522
00:20:34,457 --> 00:20:36,891
Well, Peter, I'm glad
you made up with Joe.
523
00:20:36,927 --> 00:20:38,259
Yeah, me, too.
524
00:20:38,295 --> 00:20:40,061
It just goes
to show you, Lois,
525
00:20:40,096 --> 00:20:41,863
books is bad news.
526
00:20:41,898 --> 00:20:44,198
Well, except for the books
they sell at Urban Outfitters.
527
00:20:44,234 --> 00:20:46,950
The Single Girls'
Guide to Happy Hour.
528
00:20:47,116 --> 00:20:49,164
Dogs Who Look
Like Presidents.
529
00:20:49,165 --> 00:20:52,266
This one's just pictures
of people reacting to farts.
530
00:20:52,498 --> 00:20:54,650
I like where
the USA is headed.
531
00:20:54,651 --> 00:21:01,151
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man