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00:00:00,610 --> 00:00:03,861
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,987 --> 00:00:07,256
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,290 --> 00:00:10,826
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:13,829
♪ On which we used to rely?
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00:00:13,863 --> 00:00:17,332
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us
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♪ Laugh and cry
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00:00:23,606 --> 00:00:27,541
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:27,546 --> 00:00:31,546
♪ Family Guy 12x15 ♪
Secondhand Spoke
Original Air Date on March 30, 2014
11
00:00:31,547 --> 00:00:36,547
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:36,553 --> 00:00:38,220
Okay, Brian, here we are.
13
00:00:38,254 --> 00:00:39,788
Hey, thanks for fitting in
the ride to school
14
00:00:39,823 --> 00:00:41,623
in between your texts.
15
00:00:41,658 --> 00:00:42,724
Totally, Chris, totally.
16
00:00:42,759 --> 00:00:44,593
I'm sure it'll all
work itself out.
17
00:00:44,627 --> 00:00:45,894
And good luck on that thing.
18
00:00:45,929 --> 00:00:48,530
You know, that was a stroller,
not a speed bump.
19
00:00:53,503 --> 00:00:55,137
Uh-oh. This looks like trouble.
20
00:00:55,171 --> 00:00:57,973
I'll know they're bullies
if they use my full name.
21
00:00:58,007 --> 00:00:59,308
Well, look who it is.
22
00:00:59,342 --> 00:01:00,509
Chris Griffin.
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00:01:00,543 --> 00:01:01,510
Oh, boy.
24
00:01:01,544 --> 00:01:02,678
Hey, fat ass.
25
00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:04,446
Your boobs are bigger
than your sister's.
26
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,248
Oh, yeah? Well...
27
00:01:06,282 --> 00:01:08,951
you have a sister as well.
28
00:01:08,985 --> 00:01:10,719
That's your comeback?
29
00:01:11,754 --> 00:01:12,721
Oh, man!
30
00:01:12,755 --> 00:01:14,823
Oh, my God. Poor Chris.
31
00:01:14,858 --> 00:01:17,759
He's a social outcast
like Scarface.
32
00:01:17,794 --> 00:01:18,994
Okay, we have a deal.
33
00:01:19,028 --> 00:01:21,296
You bring the money,
I get you the coke.
34
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,965
You got it, Scarface.
35
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:24,032
Oh, my God!
36
00:01:24,067 --> 00:01:25,367
You can see that?
37
00:01:25,401 --> 00:01:27,436
The doctor said
you wouldn't be able to!
38
00:01:27,470 --> 00:01:28,971
Yes, everyone can see that.
39
00:01:29,005 --> 00:01:30,405
That's why we call
you Scarface.
40
00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:33,342
Whoa, whoa, whoa! "We"?
41
00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:41,350
Well, I have officially seen
every video ever on YouTube.
42
00:01:41,384 --> 00:01:43,519
Got to say,
there's not a bad one.
43
00:01:43,553 --> 00:01:46,288
I need these shipping invoices
filed immediately.
44
00:01:46,322 --> 00:01:49,258
I'll be right back.
45
00:01:49,292 --> 00:01:50,292
There she goes again.
46
00:01:50,326 --> 00:01:51,393
How come she always skips out
47
00:01:51,427 --> 00:01:52,461
when there's work to do?
48
00:01:52,495 --> 00:01:54,429
She's just taking
a smoke break.
49
00:01:54,464 --> 00:01:56,265
A deaf person smoking.
50
00:01:56,299 --> 00:01:57,966
That's-that's weird.
51
00:01:58,001 --> 00:01:59,301
Why is that weird?
52
00:01:59,335 --> 00:02:00,736
That... I mean, there's
no reason that that's weird,
53
00:02:00,770 --> 00:02:02,671
but it-it-it is weird, right?
54
00:02:02,705 --> 00:02:04,373
Yes, Griffin, it's weird.
55
00:02:04,407 --> 00:02:06,508
Wait, so you mean to tell me,
if I ever want to get out
56
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,343
of something, all I got
to do is take a smoke break?
57
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:09,378
Well, I suppose.
58
00:02:09,412 --> 00:02:11,046
But you don't smoke.
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00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,783
Well, actually I do.
60
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,787
All right, Griffin.
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00:02:51,821 --> 00:02:53,088
You're clearly a smoker.
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00:02:53,122 --> 00:02:54,890
Enjoy your break.
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00:02:54,924 --> 00:02:57,326
Wow, I can use smoking
to get out of anything.
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00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:00,629
Finally, I'm above the law
like my 14th century ancestor
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00:03:00,663 --> 00:03:03,532
King of Denmark Griffin.
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00:03:03,566 --> 00:03:05,233
More wine! More women!
67
00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:06,635
More table!
68
00:03:13,309 --> 00:03:14,910
I'm having a heart attack!
69
00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:16,845
Is anyone at the table a doctor?
70
00:03:16,879 --> 00:03:17,846
I am!
71
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,248
Come here! Hurry! Run!
72
00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:23,785
"But the very far-away doctor
couldn't make it in time."
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00:03:23,820 --> 00:03:27,756
And that's why here in Denmark
we have very small tables.
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00:03:34,330 --> 00:03:37,265
Okay, Stewie, time to
change your diaper.
75
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,535
Ooh! Oh, smoke break!
76
00:03:40,570 --> 00:03:42,537
Well, this is
how Scott Caan was raised,
77
00:03:42,572 --> 00:03:44,573
and he turned out okay.
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00:03:48,011 --> 00:03:50,212
Hey, Dad, want to hear a story
about my day at school?
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00:03:50,246 --> 00:03:52,080
It's about my hot
friend Melissa.
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00:03:52,115 --> 00:03:53,181
Okay.
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00:03:53,216 --> 00:03:54,883
She didn't wear a
bra to school today.
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00:03:54,917 --> 00:03:56,218
Okay.
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00:03:56,252 --> 00:03:58,920
And someone spilled water
all over her white shirt.
84
00:03:58,955 --> 00:04:00,255
Okay.
85
00:04:00,289 --> 00:04:02,224
And it was cold, so you
could see everything.
86
00:04:02,258 --> 00:04:03,959
Okay.
87
00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:06,228
Then she left and I realized
I was all alone...
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00:04:06,262 --> 00:04:08,897
Smoke break!
89
00:04:13,136 --> 00:04:14,369
Hey, Chris?
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00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:17,172
I-I wanted to talk about
what happened at school...
91
00:04:17,206 --> 00:04:18,940
Is that a dead gerbil in there?
92
00:04:18,975 --> 00:04:20,175
That's a fur fish.
93
00:04:20,209 --> 00:04:21,710
It's a weird species.
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00:04:21,744 --> 00:04:23,378
You put them in there,
and they swim like hell
95
00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:25,814
for, like, 30 seconds,
and then they go to sleep.
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00:04:25,848 --> 00:04:27,683
This joker still
hasn't woken up.
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00:04:27,717 --> 00:04:29,618
Get up, lazy!
98
00:04:29,652 --> 00:04:30,652
You know, the way those kids
99
00:04:30,687 --> 00:04:32,287
were picking on you
today in school.
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00:04:32,321 --> 00:04:33,789
You really got to stand
up for yourself.
101
00:04:33,823 --> 00:04:35,824
Stewie, it's not so easy.
102
00:04:35,858 --> 00:04:38,427
What would you say if I said,
"Hey there, shorty"?
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00:04:38,461 --> 00:04:41,296
I'd say, "Have another
doughnut, you albino gorilla."
104
00:04:41,330 --> 00:04:43,331
Oh, yeah? Well...
105
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,634
you have a sister as well.
106
00:04:45,668 --> 00:04:49,638
Oh, Stewie, I-I could never
come up with stuff like you do.
107
00:04:49,672 --> 00:04:51,206
Of course not.
You're sweet and simple.
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00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:53,275
But even you could learn
enough to outsmart
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00:04:53,309 --> 00:04:54,776
those cretins at your school.
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00:04:54,811 --> 00:04:56,311
And they'll respect you for it.
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00:04:56,345 --> 00:04:58,213
In fact, I'll teach you how.
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00:04:58,247 --> 00:04:59,581
Why would you do that for me?
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I'm your brother, Chris.
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00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:02,951
We're a team and we've got
to look out for each other.
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00:05:02,985 --> 00:05:05,487
Like Owl and Costello.
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00:05:05,521 --> 00:05:06,755
I mean the fellow's
name on first base.
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00:05:06,789 --> 00:05:08,457
Who.
The fellow playing first base.
118
00:05:08,491 --> 00:05:10,092
Who.
The guy on first base.
119
00:05:10,126 --> 00:05:12,294
Who.
I'm asking you who's on first!
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00:05:12,328 --> 00:05:14,696
Who.
That's what I'm asking you!
121
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:18,633
Nothing will ever be funnier
than misunderstandings.
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00:05:24,607 --> 00:05:25,741
All right, Chris,
here they come.
123
00:05:25,775 --> 00:05:26,975
Now, remember what we practiced.
124
00:05:27,009 --> 00:05:28,610
Now, what are you gonna call
the one in the middle?
125
00:05:28,644 --> 00:05:30,312
Isosceles triangle?
126
00:05:30,346 --> 00:05:31,413
What?! Come on, Chris!
127
00:05:31,447 --> 00:05:32,481
We worked on this all night.
128
00:05:32,515 --> 00:05:35,283
I know! I also had
a geometry test!
129
00:05:35,318 --> 00:05:36,651
Well, how'd that go?
130
00:05:41,457 --> 00:05:42,858
Hey, look who it is.
131
00:05:42,892 --> 00:05:44,192
Dorky Pig.
132
00:05:44,227 --> 00:05:45,594
Go on, Chris. It's now or never.
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00:05:45,628 --> 00:05:46,928
Let them have it.
134
00:05:46,963 --> 00:05:47,963
Nice muscles.
135
00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:50,232
What, do you belong to a gym?
136
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,700
Oh, for God's sake, Chris.
137
00:05:51,734 --> 00:05:53,769
Here, put me on your back
and repeat what I say.
138
00:05:53,803 --> 00:05:57,439
Quick! Here they come!
139
00:05:57,473 --> 00:05:59,775
You're even uglier
up close, Griffin.
140
00:05:59,809 --> 00:06:02,277
Okay, now say...
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00:06:02,311 --> 00:06:04,913
I heard you were born
out of your mom's butt.
142
00:06:04,947 --> 00:06:07,916
I heard that from your mom
while I was doing her.
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00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:09,251
You're a butt baby.
144
00:06:09,285 --> 00:06:11,520
That's why you've got moles
all over your chest.
145
00:06:11,554 --> 00:06:13,688
Leftover birth dook.
146
00:06:15,358 --> 00:06:17,259
Oh, man!
Griffin schooled him!
147
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:18,560
I can't believe I'm
moving tomorrow,
148
00:06:18,594 --> 00:06:20,862
and I won't get to see
how this works out.
149
00:06:20,897 --> 00:06:23,265
Wow, Stewie, we're gonna
work perfectly together.
150
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:25,801
Like Sherlock
Holmes and Watson.
151
00:06:25,835 --> 00:06:26,968
Watson, a clue!
152
00:06:27,003 --> 00:06:29,037
The intruder has
tracked in a red clay,
153
00:06:29,071 --> 00:06:32,340
which can only be found near
London's homosexual bathhouse.
154
00:06:32,375 --> 00:06:33,642
Amazing, Holmes.
155
00:06:33,676 --> 00:06:34,743
How did you know that?
156
00:06:34,777 --> 00:06:37,245
Just from, like,
books and stuff.
157
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,051
Your turn.
158
00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:46,888
You know, Peter, it's so nice
159
00:06:46,923 --> 00:06:48,623
that after all these years
we've been together,
160
00:06:48,658 --> 00:06:50,091
we can still...
Smoke break!
161
00:06:50,126 --> 00:06:52,127
What? Peter, what are you
doing down there?
162
00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:53,195
Nothing.
163
00:06:53,229 --> 00:06:54,963
Well, it doesn't
seem like nothing.
164
00:06:57,633 --> 00:06:59,835
Peter, since when
are you a smoker?
165
00:06:59,869 --> 00:07:01,269
Put that out right now!
166
00:07:01,304 --> 00:07:03,104
Smoking is highly addictive.
167
00:07:03,139 --> 00:07:04,306
I'm not addicted.
168
00:07:04,340 --> 00:07:05,907
I just need a couple
every hour or so,
169
00:07:05,942 --> 00:07:07,442
so I don't go
completely insane.
170
00:07:07,476 --> 00:07:09,544
Peter, that's exactly
what addicted means.
171
00:07:09,579 --> 00:07:11,379
You have a serious problem.
172
00:07:11,414 --> 00:07:12,881
Cigarettes will kill you.
173
00:07:12,915 --> 00:07:14,883
Relax, Lois.
I can quit any time I want.
174
00:07:14,917 --> 00:07:17,319
Look, I'll toss
this one out right now.
175
00:07:18,554 --> 00:07:21,289
I'm so sorry I threw you
out the window!
176
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:26,294
Hey, man, can you keep it down?
177
00:07:26,329 --> 00:07:28,463
Sorry.
Wait, whose bedroom are you in?
178
00:07:28,497 --> 00:07:29,464
Meg's.
179
00:07:29,498 --> 00:07:30,632
Okay, that's fine then.
180
00:07:34,974 --> 00:07:36,342
Where's Dad?
181
00:07:36,376 --> 00:07:39,611
Your father got up early
and went for a run.
182
00:07:40,914 --> 00:07:42,648
Ah, nothing
like an after-run mint
183
00:07:42,682 --> 00:07:45,551
to get rid
of that jogger's breath.
184
00:07:45,585 --> 00:07:47,419
Okay, now sit down
and have some breakfast.
185
00:07:47,454 --> 00:07:49,254
I made your favorite--
waffles and...
186
00:07:49,289 --> 00:07:51,590
Hey, uh, did anybody get
the paper today?
187
00:07:55,362 --> 00:07:56,829
Ah, nothing
like an after-paper mint
188
00:07:56,863 --> 00:07:59,631
to get rid
of that paper-getting breath.
189
00:07:59,666 --> 00:08:01,426
You know, I feel like
these waffles could use
190
00:08:01,434 --> 00:08:03,302
a little fresh air.
Come on, boys.
191
00:08:03,336 --> 00:08:04,303
Peter, sit down.
192
00:08:04,337 --> 00:08:06,338
You need your breakfast.
193
00:08:15,215 --> 00:08:17,583
Oh, Peter,
I meant to tell you.
194
00:08:17,617 --> 00:08:20,219
Remember my cousin Sylvia's
husband Robert? Well...
195
00:08:20,253 --> 00:08:21,854
Does this story
have an end?!
196
00:08:21,888 --> 00:08:23,455
Peter, I just started.
197
00:08:23,490 --> 00:08:24,990
Oh, Meg's out of milk.
I'll get you a carton.
198
00:08:25,024 --> 00:08:26,058
Hey, good story, Lois.
199
00:08:26,092 --> 00:08:27,993
You wrapped it up nicely.
200
00:08:33,032 --> 00:08:34,666
I know it's technically
not illegal,
201
00:08:34,701 --> 00:08:37,302
but it seemed wrong when
your music teacher wrapped
202
00:08:37,337 --> 00:08:39,938
a trash bag around his waist
so he could change pants.
203
00:08:39,973 --> 00:08:42,074
Hey, Jew-bacca!
204
00:08:42,108 --> 00:08:45,677
Passover's stupid and I'm gonna
prove it by breaking your nose.
205
00:08:45,712 --> 00:08:46,912
Hey!
206
00:08:46,946 --> 00:08:49,014
Why don't you pick on someone
your own religion
207
00:08:49,048 --> 00:08:50,883
who can fight for themselves?
208
00:08:50,917 --> 00:08:52,284
And you're not so tough.
209
00:08:52,318 --> 00:08:54,386
You frequently opt
out of swim class
210
00:08:54,421 --> 00:08:57,122
because of your gross
microcephalic penis.
211
00:08:57,157 --> 00:08:58,457
It's not gross!
212
00:08:58,491 --> 00:08:59,658
It's special.
213
00:08:59,692 --> 00:09:02,428
I can use it
to reset my cable box.
214
00:09:02,462 --> 00:09:06,031
Hey, Chris, what you did there
for that sweaty Jew?
215
00:09:06,065 --> 00:09:07,633
That was really nice.
216
00:09:07,667 --> 00:09:09,067
Back away, foul wench!
217
00:09:09,102 --> 00:09:12,604
Your wide hips hold
no temptation for me!
218
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:14,273
Uh... I mean...
219
00:09:14,307 --> 00:09:15,507
you have...
220
00:09:17,143 --> 00:09:18,410
...a-a vulva...
221
00:09:18,445 --> 00:09:20,412
and fallopian tubes.
222
00:09:20,447 --> 00:09:22,114
Finally!
A guy who listens!
223
00:09:22,148 --> 00:09:25,350
Here's my number.
Call me.
224
00:09:30,290 --> 00:09:32,124
Peter, when'd you
start smoking?
225
00:09:32,158 --> 00:09:35,027
Well, you know, at first
it was a way to get out of work,
226
00:09:35,061 --> 00:09:37,029
but then I discovered
it's a delightful habit
227
00:09:37,063 --> 00:09:39,097
that has lots of benefits.
Yeah? Like what?
228
00:09:39,132 --> 00:09:41,266
Like I get to punctuate
tough conversations
229
00:09:41,301 --> 00:09:42,901
by ashing a cigarette.
230
00:09:42,936 --> 00:09:44,369
Joe, your
marriage is over.
231
00:09:44,404 --> 00:09:47,005
Oh, please. Bonnie and I
are stronger than ever.
232
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:49,274
Your marriage...
233
00:09:49,309 --> 00:09:51,577
is over.
234
00:09:53,079 --> 00:09:56,815
Well, now that you
say it with the cigarette...
235
00:10:02,856 --> 00:10:05,991
God, there's, like, no one hot
at this school this year.
236
00:10:06,025 --> 00:10:08,227
Okay, students, take your seats.
237
00:10:09,762 --> 00:10:11,563
First off, we have a new rule:
238
00:10:11,598 --> 00:10:14,633
no more asking the gym teachers
if they went to college.
239
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:16,101
They did not.
240
00:10:16,135 --> 00:10:19,071
Next, it's time for nominations
for student body president.
241
00:10:19,105 --> 00:10:21,840
As of now, we have
the perpetually upbeat black kid
242
00:10:21,875 --> 00:10:23,408
running unopposed.
243
00:10:23,443 --> 00:10:26,945
Come on, yo, this is gonna be
a great year for all of us!
244
00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:28,180
Surely there's another student
245
00:10:28,214 --> 00:10:30,516
who'd like to throw
his hat in the ring.
246
00:10:30,550 --> 00:10:32,184
I nominate Chris Griffin!
247
00:10:34,787 --> 00:10:36,421
Chris, they love you.
248
00:10:36,456 --> 00:10:38,857
I'm a better coach
than God.
249
00:10:38,892 --> 00:10:41,026
Come on, you're getting
crucified out there!
250
00:10:41,060 --> 00:10:42,895
I know. It's
a crucifixion.
251
00:10:42,929 --> 00:10:44,229
Well, yeah, I know.
252
00:10:44,264 --> 00:10:45,831
But that doesn't mean
you should stop trying.
253
00:10:45,865 --> 00:10:47,900
Dad, you're not
the coach!
254
00:10:53,239 --> 00:10:56,542
Peter, your fart didn't
go off until 8:30.
255
00:10:56,576 --> 00:10:58,577
Get up. We're late!
256
00:11:01,047 --> 00:11:02,915
What the hell?!
257
00:11:02,949 --> 00:11:04,449
What? What? What?!
Peter,
258
00:11:04,484 --> 00:11:06,285
i-it's horrible!
259
00:11:06,319 --> 00:11:08,453
Other people
live here!
260
00:11:08,488 --> 00:11:10,455
Oh, my God!
261
00:11:10,490 --> 00:11:11,957
How did this happen?!
262
00:11:11,991 --> 00:11:13,292
It's from smoking!
263
00:11:13,326 --> 00:11:14,459
It's not that bad.
264
00:11:14,494 --> 00:11:16,128
Peter, you can't live
like this.
265
00:11:16,162 --> 00:11:17,796
I'm taking you
to Dr. Hartman.
266
00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:19,464
No! I hate the doctor!
267
00:11:19,499 --> 00:11:20,999
Are you sure?
268
00:11:21,034 --> 00:11:22,668
There are Cheez-Its in there.
269
00:11:22,702 --> 00:11:24,570
Cheez-Its?!
270
00:11:25,605 --> 00:11:27,439
Huh? W-Wait. What's going on?
271
00:11:27,473 --> 00:11:29,107
I'm scared! I'm scared!
272
00:11:29,142 --> 00:11:31,176
Oh, it's nighttime.
273
00:11:31,210 --> 00:11:32,911
Good night.
274
00:11:36,849 --> 00:11:39,284
Mr. Griffin, I'm gonna need
to ask you a few questions.
275
00:11:39,319 --> 00:11:41,820
Do you think I can jump
and touch that pipe up there?
276
00:11:41,854 --> 00:11:44,156
I don't know.
The hell I can't!
277
00:11:44,190 --> 00:11:45,490
There, got it.
278
00:11:45,525 --> 00:11:47,492
Yeah, I guess
your fingertips grazed it.
279
00:11:47,527 --> 00:11:49,094
Yeah, that counts
as a dunk.
280
00:11:49,128 --> 00:11:51,763
Dr. Hartman, we're here for you
to help Peter quit smoking.
281
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:54,099
Mrs. Griffin, I can't do
that. It's an addiction.
282
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:56,435
I can't even get my
son to quit being gay.
283
00:11:56,469 --> 00:11:58,971
Well, you got to do something!
He's killing himself!
284
00:11:59,005 --> 00:12:01,925
All right, how many Vicodins for
you guys to just leave me alone?
285
00:12:01,941 --> 00:12:03,175
Forty.
286
00:12:04,477 --> 00:12:07,179
Well, it's too bad
Dr. Hartman couldn't help us.
287
00:12:07,213 --> 00:12:09,181
I guess we should go
to the Stop Smoking Clinic
288
00:12:09,215 --> 00:12:11,583
and then maybe get
a couple bottles of wine.
289
00:12:16,022 --> 00:12:18,323
Oh, hey, Stewie.
Ready to go to school?
290
00:12:18,358 --> 00:12:20,659
Well, actually, Chris,
I've got good news.
291
00:12:20,693 --> 00:12:22,661
Aw, I'll take
the bad news first.
292
00:12:22,695 --> 00:12:24,463
No. What? There
is no bad news.
293
00:12:24,497 --> 00:12:26,598
Oh, all right. Then give me
the good news first.
294
00:12:26,633 --> 00:12:29,601
The good news is, I've taught
you everything you need to know
295
00:12:29,636 --> 00:12:30,802
to fend for yourself.
296
00:12:30,837 --> 00:12:33,505
So from now on, you can
go to school without me.
297
00:12:33,539 --> 00:12:34,640
What are you talking about?
298
00:12:34,674 --> 00:12:36,241
I'm running for class president.
299
00:12:36,275 --> 00:12:37,609
I need you!
300
00:12:37,644 --> 00:12:39,111
What are you doing?
301
00:12:39,145 --> 00:12:41,947
You're coming to school with me
whether you like it or not!
302
00:12:41,981 --> 00:12:43,949
Let me out! You can't keep me
in here forever!
303
00:12:43,983 --> 00:12:45,484
I have too many plans
for the future!
304
00:12:45,518 --> 00:12:47,152
I'll never win a Nobel Prize!
305
00:12:47,186 --> 00:12:48,954
I'll never be a member
of Parliament!
306
00:12:48,988 --> 00:12:51,223
I'll never get to express
disappointment with young people
307
00:12:51,257 --> 00:12:53,158
while putting in my dentures!
308
00:12:53,192 --> 00:12:55,027
Stupid younger generation.
309
00:12:55,061 --> 00:12:58,030
Back in my day, we had
Katy Perry, Justin Bieber.
310
00:12:58,064 --> 00:12:59,765
That was real music.
311
00:13:10,910 --> 00:13:12,544
Lois, why do all the people
in here look
312
00:13:12,578 --> 00:13:13,879
like Emperor Palpatine?
313
00:13:13,913 --> 00:13:16,014
Because they're all
heavy smokers, Peter.
314
00:13:16,049 --> 00:13:17,849
I'm gonna sign you in.
315
00:13:19,252 --> 00:13:23,622
Would the driver of a 1978
Camaro please move your car?
316
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,661
Man, how the hell
am I gonna quit smoking?
317
00:13:29,696 --> 00:13:32,698
I wish smoking
could just quit me instead.
318
00:13:32,732 --> 00:13:34,299
Thank you
for meeting me here.
319
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:36,802
I have something
very important to tell you.
320
00:13:36,836 --> 00:13:38,937
I have something
important to tell you, too.
321
00:13:38,971 --> 00:13:41,940
Peter, I think we
should see other people.
322
00:13:42,975 --> 00:13:44,609
Okay.
323
00:13:46,946 --> 00:13:50,382
Uh, good, that's what
I was gonna say, too.
324
00:13:50,416 --> 00:13:52,984
Excuse me, I'm Mr. Stone
with the ad agency
325
00:13:53,019 --> 00:13:54,986
of Anderson, Wheeler
and Thirdname.
326
00:13:55,021 --> 00:13:58,724
And I think you'd be perfect for
our new anti-smoking campaign.
327
00:13:58,758 --> 00:14:01,259
Me? You'd want me on TV?
328
00:14:01,294 --> 00:14:02,594
Even though I'm hideous?
329
00:14:02,628 --> 00:14:04,529
Sure. Have you seen
Boardwalk Empire?
330
00:14:04,564 --> 00:14:06,932
It's just a crap-fest
of faces.
331
00:14:06,966 --> 00:14:09,534
There is one catch: if you're
gonna be our spokesman,
332
00:14:09,569 --> 00:14:11,203
you have to keep smoking.
333
00:14:11,237 --> 00:14:13,271
We need you to stay wrinkled
and sickly.
334
00:14:13,306 --> 00:14:15,974
But my wife brought me here
to quit smoking.
335
00:14:16,008 --> 00:14:17,709
Wives, huh?
336
00:14:17,744 --> 00:14:19,644
O-Okay,
now I'm on your side!
337
00:14:19,679 --> 00:14:20,846
Oh, this is awesome!
338
00:14:20,880 --> 00:14:22,114
I'm gonna be on TV!
339
00:14:22,148 --> 00:14:24,116
But no more talk
of quitting, right?
340
00:14:24,150 --> 00:14:26,118
You got it. So, um,
341
00:14:26,152 --> 00:14:27,872
does somethin' like this
pay a lot of money?
342
00:14:27,887 --> 00:14:29,855
What do you think
a lot of money is?
343
00:14:29,889 --> 00:14:32,691
I-I don't want to say.
I'm embarrassed.
344
00:14:37,116 --> 00:14:40,085
And now a word from
the American Lung Association.
345
00:14:40,119 --> 00:14:42,454
Oh, hey, hey, guys! Here
comes one of my TV spots!
346
00:14:42,488 --> 00:14:44,723
Hi, Peter Griffin,
sickly smoker.
347
00:14:44,757 --> 00:14:46,792
This is your heart.
348
00:14:46,826 --> 00:14:49,294
This is your heart
on cigarettes.
349
00:14:49,329 --> 00:14:50,796
Any questions?
350
00:14:50,863 --> 00:14:52,598
Yeah, where'd you get
that heart?
351
00:14:54,534 --> 00:14:56,602
Hey, Peter, now that
you're a celebrity,
352
00:14:56,636 --> 00:14:58,604
could I get a picture
of you to put on the wall?
353
00:14:58,638 --> 00:14:59,871
Sure, here you go.
354
00:14:59,906 --> 00:15:01,373
Thanks, man.
355
00:15:01,407 --> 00:15:03,248
I'll put you up next
to these black celebrities
356
00:15:03,276 --> 00:15:05,644
who are just
confusing strangers to you.
357
00:15:05,678 --> 00:15:07,179
Who's Marlin Johnson?
358
00:15:07,213 --> 00:15:09,514
Oh, come on, man.
Stand-up comedian?
359
00:15:09,549 --> 00:15:12,718
He got that whole thing
about the "Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo."
360
00:15:12,752 --> 00:15:15,587
I can't even
get through it.
361
00:15:15,622 --> 00:15:17,589
Hey! You talkin'
'bout Marlin Johnson?
362
00:15:17,624 --> 00:15:19,992
You know it!
Oh-Ee-Oh-Ee-Hey-Yo!
363
00:15:20,026 --> 00:15:22,628
That's right.
364
00:15:26,499 --> 00:15:27,799
Hey, Lois.
365
00:15:27,834 --> 00:15:30,402
Peter, I saw your ad on TV,
and I got to say,
366
00:15:30,436 --> 00:15:32,804
I'm glad you're finally
doing the right thing.
367
00:15:32,839 --> 00:15:35,474
Yeah, it feels good
to be helping people.
368
00:15:35,508 --> 00:15:38,143
Peter, what are you doing?!
I thought you quit!
369
00:15:38,177 --> 00:15:40,212
Hey, if George Michael
doesn't have to give up butts,
370
00:15:40,246 --> 00:15:42,247
why should I?
371
00:15:44,284 --> 00:15:47,185
I'm serious.
You have to stop smoking!
372
00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:49,140
Have you looked in the mirror?
You look terrible.
373
00:15:49,155 --> 00:15:50,589
Eh, what do you care?
374
00:15:50,623 --> 00:15:52,991
It's not like you have to look
at my face when we have sex.
375
00:15:53,026 --> 00:15:55,193
Not since we started
role-playing.
376
00:15:55,228 --> 00:15:57,195
Peter, I'm ready.
377
00:15:57,230 --> 00:15:59,998
Okay, now put on yours.
378
00:16:00,033 --> 00:16:03,335
Wow, isn't it weird that
we both picked Mario Lopez?
379
00:16:03,369 --> 00:16:05,604
Yes, Peter.
It's very weird.
380
00:16:05,638 --> 00:16:09,508
Yeah, it shows that we both
go Latino but soft Latino.
381
00:16:13,079 --> 00:16:16,315
Day five of my imprisonment
inside Chris' backpack.
382
00:16:16,349 --> 00:16:18,483
Feces and the buildup thereof
continues to be
383
00:16:18,518 --> 00:16:19,885
my number one problem.
384
00:16:19,919 --> 00:16:22,287
I think a teacher saw me
the other day but said nothing.
385
00:16:22,322 --> 00:16:24,089
I waved and he looked away.
386
00:16:30,530 --> 00:16:33,165
This could be my chance
to escape this canvas cage!
387
00:16:44,410 --> 00:16:46,545
That sounds like an open door.
Which way is out?
388
00:16:46,579 --> 00:16:48,413
God, I love walking
in the hall!
389
00:16:48,448 --> 00:16:49,781
There! That way!
390
00:16:52,418 --> 00:16:53,719
Must escape!
391
00:16:55,988 --> 00:16:58,323
Must... escape.
392
00:17:01,594 --> 00:17:04,329
Mu...
393
00:17:05,331 --> 00:17:08,233
You're gonna die in there.
394
00:17:11,270 --> 00:17:13,105
Welcome back,
Mr. Griffin!
395
00:17:13,139 --> 00:17:14,373
You look terrible!
396
00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:15,974
Thanks, man named Sandy!
397
00:17:16,008 --> 00:17:17,976
Oh, hey, uh, you know,
I don't know if you're the guy
398
00:17:18,010 --> 00:17:19,978
to talk to about this,
but when I went to my trailer
399
00:17:20,012 --> 00:17:22,514
this morning, there was
a hairy naked guy in it.
400
00:17:22,548 --> 00:17:23,849
We don't provide trailers.
401
00:17:23,883 --> 00:17:25,509
We're just next door
to a trailer park.
402
00:17:25,534 --> 00:17:26,084
Ah.
403
00:17:26,085 --> 00:17:28,854
That would explain the violent
lovemaking that followed.
404
00:17:28,888 --> 00:17:30,455
Listen, Peter, we need to talk.
405
00:17:30,490 --> 00:17:33,925
I'm sorry to tell you this, but
we no longer need your services.
406
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,394
Wait... What?
407
00:17:35,428 --> 00:17:37,329
How could you do that?!
408
00:17:37,363 --> 00:17:38,730
Well, I went to a NASCAR event
409
00:17:38,765 --> 00:17:41,199
and realized you're just
an average-looking man.
410
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:42,868
Please! I'll do anything
to keep my job!
411
00:17:42,902 --> 00:17:44,703
N-Name anything you want
and I'll do it!
412
00:17:44,737 --> 00:17:46,738
Touch your toes.
413
00:17:49,175 --> 00:17:51,143
Please give me
something else!
414
00:17:51,177 --> 00:17:54,146
I'm sorry, Peter,
it's over.
415
00:17:57,083 --> 00:17:59,718
Why are your eyes
crying, Peter?
416
00:17:59,752 --> 00:18:01,319
They fired me, Larry!
417
00:18:01,354 --> 00:18:04,322
Come on. Let's go kidnap
my neighbor's dog
418
00:18:04,357 --> 00:18:07,225
and tell them
we don't have it.
419
00:18:12,765 --> 00:18:14,466
Good morning, students.
420
00:18:14,500 --> 00:18:17,135
First of all, I don't care
what the courts say,
421
00:18:17,170 --> 00:18:19,137
let's thank
the Christian god together.
422
00:18:19,172 --> 00:18:20,939
Now then, we're here today
423
00:18:20,973 --> 00:18:23,141
for the presidential candidate
debate.
424
00:18:23,176 --> 00:18:25,677
Okay, remember,
people think I'm smart now.
425
00:18:25,711 --> 00:18:28,013
So it's got to be clever
and it's got to pop.
426
00:18:28,047 --> 00:18:30,282
I'm done! I'm not
saying another word.
427
00:18:30,316 --> 00:18:32,217
You can't hold me prisoner
in here forever!
428
00:18:32,251 --> 00:18:35,620
Why not?
Name one person who loves you.
429
00:18:35,655 --> 00:18:39,591
Wow. Not a
proportional response.
430
00:18:39,625 --> 00:18:41,793
All right, let's begin
with an opening statement
431
00:18:41,828 --> 00:18:45,263
from the perpetually upbeat
black kid.
432
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:46,538
Thanks for letting me go first.
433
00:18:46,566 --> 00:18:48,767
I got an hour-and-a-half drive
home after this.
434
00:18:48,801 --> 00:18:50,435
You're not getting it,
Chris, are you?
435
00:18:50,470 --> 00:18:52,504
You were being bullied
day in and day out,
436
00:18:52,538 --> 00:18:53,939
so I tried to help you.
437
00:18:53,973 --> 00:18:55,540
I tried to be a good brother.
438
00:18:55,575 --> 00:18:57,342
And you've repaid me with abuse.
439
00:18:57,376 --> 00:18:59,845
You're the bully, Chris Griffin.
440
00:19:02,882 --> 00:19:05,417
Oh, my God.
You're right.
441
00:19:07,753 --> 00:19:11,723
And now an opening
statement from our second candidate,
442
00:19:11,757 --> 00:19:14,259
the King of the Zingers,
Chris Griffin.
443
00:19:16,796 --> 00:19:18,430
Go easy on me, Chris.
444
00:19:18,464 --> 00:19:20,432
My sister has M.S.
445
00:19:20,466 --> 00:19:22,701
I'm worried what you're
gonna do with that.
446
00:19:22,735 --> 00:19:25,036
I'm out. I'm not running.
447
00:19:25,071 --> 00:19:26,638
And neither is she.
448
00:19:26,672 --> 00:19:28,473
I knew you'd
have something.
449
00:19:28,508 --> 00:19:29,808
No, you don't understand.
450
00:19:29,842 --> 00:19:31,977
I'm dropping out
of the election.
451
00:19:33,312 --> 00:19:34,613
I'm a big fraud,
452
00:19:34,647 --> 00:19:36,615
and I've treated people
terribly.
453
00:19:36,649 --> 00:19:40,418
Much like Jeff Zucker
when he ran NBC.
454
00:19:41,454 --> 00:19:42,587
I'm sorry, Stewie.
455
00:19:42,622 --> 00:19:43,922
Can you forgive me?
456
00:19:43,956 --> 00:19:46,758
Well, I may no longer be
on your back,
457
00:19:46,792 --> 00:19:50,095
but I'll always be on your side.
458
00:19:52,999 --> 00:19:54,966
All right,
459
00:19:55,001 --> 00:19:57,168
this election is postponed.
Go back to class.
460
00:19:57,203 --> 00:19:58,503
Oh, and another thing,
461
00:19:58,538 --> 00:20:00,972
stop making fun of teachers
who don't have cars.
462
00:20:01,007 --> 00:20:05,143
Life's not as easy as you think
it's gonna be right now.
463
00:20:10,816 --> 00:20:13,785
You know, Chris, what you did on
that stage took a lot of guts.
464
00:20:13,819 --> 00:20:15,186
Thanks, Stewie.
465
00:20:15,221 --> 00:20:17,722
And thanks to you, I'm no
longer getting bullied.
466
00:20:17,757 --> 00:20:18,924
Well, that's great.
467
00:20:18,958 --> 00:20:21,126
I guess we put those bullies
in their place, huh?
468
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,328
Yeah. Two of them
shot themselves.
469
00:20:23,362 --> 00:20:25,697
Oh, that's so good
to hear, Chris.
470
00:20:25,731 --> 00:20:27,866
Are they done?
They're-they're all done?
471
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,401
Okay, all right,
let's finish ours.
472
00:20:29,435 --> 00:20:33,004
Well, I finally quit smoking and
I'm ready to go back to normal!
473
00:20:33,039 --> 00:20:34,606
Peter, that's not
how it works.
474
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,942
The damage you've done
is irreversible.
475
00:20:36,976 --> 00:20:39,277
Yeah, Lois is right.
As bad as you look,
476
00:20:39,312 --> 00:20:41,880
the damage you've done
to your heart and your lungs is,
477
00:20:41,914 --> 00:20:44,215
no doubt, exponentially worse.
What?!
478
00:20:44,250 --> 00:20:47,430
Well, try cuttin' to the outside
of the house over some music.
479
00:20:47,431 --> 00:20:49,399
That usually works.
480
00:20:49,433 --> 00:20:53,433
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man