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00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:20,000
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Tvnnouncer:
From time life music,
comes a one-of-a kind
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Rat pack collection,
"their most bigoted songs."
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All your favorite,
once acceptable hits like
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"drunk old injun."
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¶ the drunk old injun's
squattin' in his teepee ¶
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¶ fire water keepin' him warm. ¶
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Announcer:
"jewish nose"
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¶ she's got a big, beautiful
jewish nose ¶
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¶ and it's there two minutes
early wherever she goes. ¶
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Announcer:
Dean martin singing
"chinaman's chance."
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¶ and mr. Chinaman say,
in his chinaman way ¶
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¶ a ding-a-ling, a ching-a-chong
a ching-a-chong choo. ¶
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Announcer:
"pew, stinky frenchman."
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¶ paris is lovely and nice
sure is nice ¶
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¶ and marseilles is charming
with champagne on ice ¶
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¶ but you, stinky frenchman,
haven't a clue ¶
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¶ pew, stinky frenchman,
frog you. ¶
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"hey there, fruity."
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¶ hey there, fruity ¶
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¶ you can do my hair ¶
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¶ hey there, fruity ¶
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¶ don't touch me down there ¶
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¶ hey there, fruity ¶
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¶ you're gay and I
don't approve. ¶
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Announcer:
And many more!
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You know, I'm sick of
looking at that.
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What?
That empty space.
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00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:51,275
It just reminds me that
cleveland's not here anymore.
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Yeah, it's just not
the same without him.
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I sure wish he...
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Hey, guys, look!
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It's him!
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Hey, cleveland!
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Why didn't you tell us
you were back, buddy?
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Oh, it's a lamp.
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You know, guys,
I've been thinkin'.
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00:02:07,593 --> 00:02:09,660
We need a new fourth
guy for our group.
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We're a man short.
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00:02:10,863 --> 00:02:12,396
Like stadler
without waldorf.
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(laughing)
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You know, without the other guy
yappin' in my ear,
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These guys aren't half bad.
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00:02:20,906 --> 00:02:23,341
Now I know you're interested
in being the fourth guy
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In our entourage,
kevin connolly, but don't you
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Think you're a little small?
Listen, I tell you what.
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00:02:27,913 --> 00:02:30,314
You can be in our group
if I can have some
of your cereal.
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00:02:30,382 --> 00:02:32,950
Oh, no! They're after
me kevin connolly charms!
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00:02:39,291 --> 00:02:40,725
How's your friend
search going?
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00:02:40,792 --> 00:02:42,827
(sighs) not great, lois.
What friend search?
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Oh, we're just trying to find
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A friend to replace cleveland.
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We've been meeting people
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00:02:45,898 --> 00:02:47,198
For the past three days.
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00:02:47,266 --> 00:02:48,766
Well, you don't
need to look for
somebody new.
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00:02:48,834 --> 00:02:50,668
I'll hang out
with you guys.
Yeah, you know,
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I don't think that's
gonna work out, brian,
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'cause of the whole
quagmire thing.
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00:02:53,472 --> 00:02:54,805
What quagmire thing?
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00:02:54,873 --> 00:02:56,307
Oh, you know, just
that he hates you.
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Quagmire hates me?
Hates you.
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00:02:58,410 --> 00:03:00,912
I-I don't get it.
Why, why wouldn't
quagmire like me?
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00:03:00,979 --> 00:03:02,547
Because he thinks
you're annoying.
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00:03:02,614 --> 00:03:04,715
Like people who never
shut up about their kids.
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He, he would have
been four today.
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00:03:07,519 --> 00:03:09,687
I-I still don't
understand.
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How do you drown
in an inch of water?
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(sobbing)
well...
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00:03:14,326 --> 00:03:17,328
I guess I don't
have a new sweater
and a haircut.
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00:03:21,633 --> 00:03:22,900
(sighs):
Who would've thought
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00:03:22,968 --> 00:03:24,468
It would be this hard
to replace cleveland?
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You know, guys,
we've kind of been
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Ignoring the obvious here.
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I mean, if you really
break it down,
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What we need is a black guy.
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Yeah, that was the best thing
about cleveland.
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00:03:32,878 --> 00:03:34,946
Oh, by far.
I sure do miss him.
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00:03:35,013 --> 00:03:36,981
Peter's right.
We gotta find another black guy.
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00:03:37,049 --> 00:03:38,149
Yeah, 'cause
otherwise we're just
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00:03:38,217 --> 00:03:39,584
A bunch of boring
white guys.
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00:03:39,651 --> 00:03:41,419
Like a london
gentlemen's club.
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(clears throat)
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(clears throat)
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(clears throat)
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(clears throat)
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(clears throat)
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(clears throat)
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(clears throat)
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(clears throat)
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00:03:55,634 --> 00:03:57,468
(clears throat)
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(clears throat louder)
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(clears throat)
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(clears throat loudly)
94
00:04:02,441 --> 00:04:03,674
(clears throat
even louder)
95
00:04:03,742 --> 00:04:05,243
(clears throat
loudly)
96
00:04:05,310 --> 00:04:07,445
(clears throat
even louder)
97
00:04:07,512 --> 00:04:09,447
(clears throat
loudly)
98
00:04:09,514 --> 00:04:11,048
(clears throat
loudly)
99
00:04:11,116 --> 00:04:14,719
(angrily clears throat)
100
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(annoyingly
clears throat)
101
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(clears throat
noisily)
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(clears throat)
103
00:04:21,460 --> 00:04:22,927
(clears throat)
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(clears throat quietly)
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00:04:25,697 --> 00:04:27,231
(clears throat
a bit softer)
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00:04:27,299 --> 00:04:28,733
(clears throat
even softer)
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(clears throat softly)
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(clears throat
briefly)
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(clears throat
softly)
110
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(clears throat
very quietly)
111
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Hey, you guys want to
enter the darts tournament?
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First prize is free
drinks all night.
113
00:04:41,046 --> 00:04:43,214
Oh, we'd love to,
horace, but there's
only three of us.
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Man:
Did I hear some sorry ass fools
115
00:04:45,183 --> 00:04:47,051
In need of a motherlovin'
fourth?
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I'll join
your darts game.
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00:04:54,393 --> 00:04:55,626
How do we know
you're any good?
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00:05:00,032 --> 00:05:03,200
Gentlemen,
we got us a black man.
119
00:05:04,703 --> 00:05:06,570
(all laughing)
120
00:05:07,873 --> 00:05:10,641
Oh, boy, what
a fantastic evening.
121
00:05:10,709 --> 00:05:13,444
Jerome, you are a wonderful
addition to our group.
122
00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:14,879
Hey, thanks, peter.
123
00:05:14,946 --> 00:05:16,414
I like you guys, too.
124
00:05:16,481 --> 00:05:18,983
What do you say we hit
another bar, keep it goin'?
125
00:05:19,051 --> 00:05:21,819
I can't. There's a girl
tied up in my basement
who needs some food.
126
00:05:21,887 --> 00:05:24,455
That's funny.
You funny, pointy man.
127
00:05:24,523 --> 00:05:26,590
Yeah, I...
I joke around a lot.
128
00:05:31,797 --> 00:05:33,097
Thanks for the lift
home, jerome.
129
00:05:33,165 --> 00:05:34,532
Hey, if you got
time to come in,
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00:05:34,599 --> 00:05:35,900
I'd love for you
to meet my wife.
131
00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:38,002
I got time for
whatever I want, fool.
132
00:05:38,070 --> 00:05:40,738
My watch don't tell
time, I tell it.
133
00:05:40,806 --> 00:05:43,974
Wow, you're cooler than
a york peppermint pattie.
134
00:05:44,042 --> 00:05:46,077
When I bite
into a york peppermint pattie,
135
00:05:46,144 --> 00:05:48,112
I get the sensation...
136
00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:51,582
Of being on a frozen
mountaintop!
137
00:05:51,650 --> 00:05:54,518
It has been two months
since I made the tragic choice
138
00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:56,654
To bite
into a york peppermint pattie,
139
00:05:56,722 --> 00:05:58,389
And still I have made
no progress
140
00:05:58,457 --> 00:06:00,191
Finding my way
out of the mountains.
141
00:06:00,258 --> 00:06:02,259
The only food I have
is the rest of this
142
00:06:02,327 --> 00:06:04,595
York peppermint pattie,
which unfortunately,
143
00:06:04,663 --> 00:06:07,064
Keeps bringing me back
to the top of the mountain.
144
00:06:07,132 --> 00:06:10,468
If anyone finds this,
tell my family I love them.
145
00:06:10,535 --> 00:06:12,803
...Of being on a frozen
mountaintop!
146
00:06:16,942 --> 00:06:18,943
Hey, lois. I'd like you
to meet our new friend...
147
00:06:19,010 --> 00:06:19,944
Jerome?
148
00:06:20,011 --> 00:06:21,379
Loose lois?
149
00:06:21,446 --> 00:06:23,447
Wha... You guys
know each other?
150
00:06:23,515 --> 00:06:24,882
Know each other?
151
00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:27,284
Peter, jerome is an
old boyfriend of mine.
152
00:06:27,352 --> 00:06:29,153
What?!
(stewie yawning)
153
00:06:29,221 --> 00:06:31,021
Sorry, I was out of it.
Wait, are we being robbed?
154
00:06:35,710 --> 00:06:38,245
Peter, I know I told
you about jerome.
155
00:06:38,313 --> 00:06:40,080
Lois, I would've remembered
if you told me that.
156
00:06:40,148 --> 00:06:41,582
I told you, peter.
157
00:06:41,650 --> 00:06:43,651
I remember exactly
what we were doing.
158
00:06:43,718 --> 00:06:45,586
(both laughing)
159
00:06:47,622 --> 00:06:49,356
I slept with a black guy.
160
00:06:49,424 --> 00:06:52,259
I hope this doesn't make
you feel awkward, my man.
161
00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:54,161
It was a long time ago.
162
00:06:54,229 --> 00:06:55,696
Hey, that's
a beautiful baby.
163
00:06:55,764 --> 00:06:56,931
Mind if I hold him?
164
00:06:56,998 --> 00:06:58,599
Go right ahead.
165
00:06:58,667 --> 00:07:00,234
Hey there, lil' fella.
166
00:07:00,302 --> 00:07:01,535
What's that around
your neck?
167
00:07:01,603 --> 00:07:03,971
Well, I say, it's
a little black jesus.
168
00:07:04,039 --> 00:07:06,140
¶ black jesus. ¶
169
00:07:06,207 --> 00:07:08,876
I rode into town
on an ass.
170
00:07:08,944 --> 00:07:10,778
Your mama's ass.
171
00:07:10,845 --> 00:07:13,614
¶ black jesus. ¶
172
00:07:13,682 --> 00:07:15,549
It was really good
to see you, lois.
173
00:07:15,617 --> 00:07:17,785
We should grab a coffee
or something and catch up.
174
00:07:17,852 --> 00:07:19,620
That would be great.
175
00:07:19,688 --> 00:07:21,589
It was really nice
to see you, too.
176
00:07:21,656 --> 00:07:22,890
Well, it's gettin'
late, jerome.
177
00:07:22,958 --> 00:07:24,625
I'm sure you got stuff to do.
178
00:07:24,693 --> 00:07:26,627
Yeah, I gotta go down
to the gas station
179
00:07:26,695 --> 00:07:28,495
And buy a framed
painting of a tiger.
180
00:07:28,563 --> 00:07:30,831
Catch y'all later.
181
00:07:30,899 --> 00:07:33,067
You're not really gonna
hang out with him, lois, are ya?
182
00:07:33,134 --> 00:07:34,835
We're just friends, peter.
183
00:07:34,903 --> 00:07:36,337
Don't tell me
you're jealous?
184
00:07:36,404 --> 00:07:39,673
Well, you datin' that guy?
It's just a lot to take in.
185
00:07:39,741 --> 00:07:41,575
(laughs):
Oh, you're tellin' me.
186
00:07:41,643 --> 00:07:43,744
Oh, come on! Those kinds
of jokes aren't helpin'.
187
00:07:43,812 --> 00:07:45,412
Well, what do you
want me to say?
188
00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:46,947
You're bein' silly.
189
00:07:47,015 --> 00:07:50,117
I mean, jerome and I
dated over 12 inches ago.
190
00:07:50,185 --> 00:07:52,086
(laughs):
I said inches!
191
00:07:52,153 --> 00:07:54,188
What did I just say?!
I'm sorry.
192
00:07:54,255 --> 00:07:56,523
I'm sorry. Okay,
look, just relax.
193
00:07:56,591 --> 00:07:58,892
You're my husband
and I love you,
194
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,527
So just put jerome
out of your head.
195
00:08:01,830 --> 00:08:03,931
Get him out of my life
is more like it.
196
00:08:06,768 --> 00:08:09,336
Brian, I just found
out chris farley died.
197
00:08:09,404 --> 00:08:11,171
Yeah, that happened
like 12 years ago.
198
00:08:11,239 --> 00:08:12,973
But I just watched
tommy boy yesterday.
199
00:08:13,041 --> 00:08:14,775
He was right there.
Yeah, that's a movie.
200
00:08:14,843 --> 00:08:17,177
It's shot beforehand.
It's not happening right now.
201
00:08:17,245 --> 00:08:19,880
Really? But I thought
my knocking on the tv glass
202
00:08:19,948 --> 00:08:22,316
Distracted him,
and that's what made
him fall down that hill.
203
00:08:22,384 --> 00:08:24,385
(laughing):
Oh, oh, seeing him
fall down that hill
204
00:08:24,452 --> 00:08:25,953
Put me in a good humor!
205
00:08:26,021 --> 00:08:27,187
Stewie, get lost.
206
00:08:27,255 --> 00:08:28,856
What are you doing
just standing out here?
207
00:08:28,923 --> 00:08:30,724
I'm waiting for quagmire
to get his mail.
208
00:08:30,792 --> 00:08:32,359
I'm gonna conveniently
stroll by
209
00:08:32,427 --> 00:08:33,861
And strike up a
conversation with him,
210
00:08:33,928 --> 00:08:35,529
And maybe find out
why he hates me.
211
00:08:35,597 --> 00:08:37,164
Oh, I'm sure it's just
a misunderstanding.
212
00:08:37,232 --> 00:08:38,666
You'll smooth it over.
213
00:08:41,836 --> 00:08:43,871
Hey, quagmire,
what a coincidence.
214
00:08:43,938 --> 00:08:45,806
You and me just runnin'
into each other.
215
00:08:45,874 --> 00:08:47,141
How, how ya doin'?
Fine.
216
00:08:50,045 --> 00:08:51,745
Oh, takin' a break, huh?
217
00:08:51,813 --> 00:08:53,380
She's a hot piece of ass.
218
00:08:53,448 --> 00:08:55,315
And from the looks of it,
she likes it rough.
219
00:08:55,383 --> 00:08:56,684
That's my sister, brian.
220
00:08:56,751 --> 00:08:58,686
Her boyfriend has been
beating her mercilessly.
221
00:08:58,753 --> 00:09:01,021
The last thing she'd
want right now is to
be objectified.
222
00:09:01,089 --> 00:09:03,290
Oh, god.
I'm, I'm really sorry.
223
00:09:03,358 --> 00:09:05,325
I got a deaf brother,
you want to make fun
of him, too?
224
00:09:06,494 --> 00:09:07,494
(door closes)
225
00:09:07,562 --> 00:09:08,462
(brakes screeching)
226
00:09:11,633 --> 00:09:13,067
Man:
Where is she?
Quagmire:
She's not here.
227
00:09:13,134 --> 00:09:14,268
Harriet:
Get out, jeff!
228
00:09:14,335 --> 00:09:15,969
Just get out of here!
229
00:09:16,037 --> 00:09:17,938
Oh, I'll get out
when I'm finished.
230
00:09:18,006 --> 00:09:19,339
(punch landing,
glass shattering)
harriet: No! Ow!
231
00:09:19,407 --> 00:09:21,442
You feel good about your sex
joke earlier, brian?
232
00:09:21,509 --> 00:09:23,510
He's savagely beating her again.
You hear that?
233
00:09:23,578 --> 00:09:24,745
Yeah, I'm not deaf.
234
00:09:24,813 --> 00:09:26,280
Oh, oh, what, like my brother?
235
00:09:26,347 --> 00:09:27,881
Boy, you have no class!
236
00:09:27,949 --> 00:09:29,683
Man:
Yeah, that's the
guy's brother, man!
237
00:09:29,751 --> 00:09:31,218
Harriet:
Yeah!
Shut up, bitch!
(fist smacking)
238
00:09:35,190 --> 00:09:37,057
Hey, you know
what they say.
239
00:09:37,125 --> 00:09:39,660
See a broad,
to get that booty, yak 'em.
240
00:09:39,728 --> 00:09:42,029
Quagmire & jerome:
Leg her down and
smack 'em yak 'em!
241
00:09:42,097 --> 00:09:43,831
(laughs)
cold got to be.
242
00:09:43,898 --> 00:09:45,933
(both laughing)
243
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,668
Golly!
If you'll excuse me,
244
00:09:47,736 --> 00:09:49,470
I'm gonna order me
some cheap cognac
245
00:09:49,537 --> 00:09:51,872
And put it
in a fancy glass.
246
00:09:51,940 --> 00:09:53,273
Boy, jerome
is the greatest.
247
00:09:53,341 --> 00:09:54,408
We really lucked out.
248
00:09:54,476 --> 00:09:55,576
I don't know, you guys.
249
00:09:55,643 --> 00:09:57,077
I'm not so sure
about jerome.
250
00:09:57,145 --> 00:09:59,012
I mean, how do we know
we can really trust him?
251
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,482
What are you talking about,
peter? Jerome's awesome.
252
00:10:01,549 --> 00:10:03,350
Yeah, why the hell wouldn't
we be able to trust him?
253
00:10:03,418 --> 00:10:04,918
All right, you guys
want the truth?
254
00:10:04,986 --> 00:10:07,621
Before me and lois were married,
our new friend
255
00:10:07,689 --> 00:10:09,623
Used to slip her
the old pringles can.
256
00:10:09,691 --> 00:10:12,526
Well, so what, peter.
That was 20 years ago.
257
00:10:12,594 --> 00:10:13,761
That doesn't matter!
258
00:10:13,828 --> 00:10:15,596
Look, peter,
jerome's the coolest guy
259
00:10:15,663 --> 00:10:17,097
We've met since
cleveland left.
260
00:10:17,165 --> 00:10:19,399
Yeah, don't do anything
to ruin this, peter.
261
00:10:19,467 --> 00:10:21,435
You know, the way you
ruined my parrot.
262
00:10:21,503 --> 00:10:23,036
I just bought
it yesterday.
263
00:10:23,104 --> 00:10:24,505
Isn't it beautiful?
264
00:10:24,572 --> 00:10:26,573
Cripple, cripple, cripple,
cripple, cripple, cripple,
265
00:10:26,641 --> 00:10:27,975
Cripple, cripple,
cripple, cripple.
266
00:10:28,042 --> 00:10:29,276
Cripple!
Damn it!
267
00:10:33,681 --> 00:10:35,182
That son of a bitch.
268
00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:36,884
Thinks he can sleep
with my wife!
269
00:10:36,951 --> 00:10:38,285
Not on my watch.
270
00:10:40,989 --> 00:10:43,123
Alex keaton (on tv):
Listen, I don't care that
you're dating mallory.
271
00:10:43,191 --> 00:10:44,992
Nobody in this family
likes you, nick.
272
00:10:45,059 --> 00:10:47,761
You just stand your ground,
garbage sculpture man.
273
00:10:47,829 --> 00:10:49,363
They'll come to respect you.
274
00:10:49,430 --> 00:10:50,731
You bastard.
275
00:10:50,799 --> 00:10:52,199
Nick was no good for her
276
00:10:52,267 --> 00:10:54,067
And it broke
skippy handleman's heart!
277
00:11:03,978 --> 00:11:06,647
Dear god and black jesus!
278
00:11:14,088 --> 00:11:15,088
Jerome?
279
00:11:15,156 --> 00:11:16,557
What, uh...
280
00:11:16,624 --> 00:11:18,225
What-- what the hell
are you doing here?
281
00:11:18,293 --> 00:11:20,694
Oh, peter, something
terrible has happened.
282
00:11:20,762 --> 00:11:22,963
Somebody burned down
jerome's house last night.
283
00:11:23,031 --> 00:11:25,833
This whacked-out world.
284
00:11:25,900 --> 00:11:27,835
It just makes you want
to grab your nephew
285
00:11:27,902 --> 00:11:30,304
And get in a van and shoot
people in the d.C. Area.
286
00:11:30,371 --> 00:11:32,873
Yeah, well, when I find
the guy who did it,
287
00:11:32,941 --> 00:11:36,043
I'm gonna rip his arms off and
do his wife in front of him.
288
00:11:36,110 --> 00:11:37,744
And no one would blame you.
289
00:11:37,812 --> 00:11:39,213
But, meanwhile, jerome,
290
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:41,014
You are more than
welcome to stay with us.
291
00:11:41,082 --> 00:11:42,149
What?
292
00:11:42,217 --> 00:11:43,784
Oh, well, thank
you, lois.
293
00:11:43,852 --> 00:11:46,987
Man, I'm so lucky to have real
friends like you and peter.
294
00:11:47,055 --> 00:11:48,455
Well, I guess
you can stay here.
295
00:11:48,523 --> 00:11:49,756
But I'll tell you
one thing...
296
00:11:49,824 --> 00:11:51,291
Oh, hang on a second.
297
00:11:51,359 --> 00:11:53,126
What is that?
298
00:11:53,194 --> 00:11:55,395
I don't know, it's trying
to do something.
299
00:11:55,463 --> 00:11:56,964
Oh...
300
00:11:57,031 --> 00:11:59,867
Well, well, I guess we're
just gonna have to wait.
301
00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:07,735
So how long is jerome
gonna be staying with us, dad?
302
00:12:07,803 --> 00:12:10,337
I don't know, chris,
but the sooner he's out
of here, the better.
303
00:12:10,405 --> 00:12:12,506
I don't trust him around
lois for a second.
304
00:12:12,574 --> 00:12:15,643
Lois:
Oh, god, jerome,
that is so good.
305
00:12:15,710 --> 00:12:18,379
Oh, yeah,
it's so hot and moist.
306
00:12:20,682 --> 00:12:23,217
Mmm, these scones are
delicious.
307
00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:25,519
You are quite the little baker,
jerome.
308
00:12:25,587 --> 00:12:26,654
Oh, thank god.
309
00:12:26,721 --> 00:12:28,222
What's going on in here?!
310
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:29,557
Relax, mr. Furley.
311
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,192
I thought what you
thought, but it's okay.
312
00:12:31,259 --> 00:12:33,627
Well, it sounded like...
I know, I know, but it's fine.
313
00:12:33,695 --> 00:12:35,296
Go back to being dead.
314
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,797
Peter, is everything
all right?
315
00:12:36,865 --> 00:12:38,532
Yeah. Yeah, lois.
Everything's fine.
316
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,801
You guys, uh, having
a little breakfast?
317
00:12:40,869 --> 00:12:43,070
Yes, and jerome
made scones.
318
00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:45,840
Would you like one?
Oh, they're delicious.
319
00:12:45,907 --> 00:12:48,209
I thought maybe later
today, we could all...
320
00:12:48,276 --> 00:12:50,711
(choking)
321
00:12:50,779 --> 00:12:52,847
Oh, my god!
Mom's choking!
322
00:12:52,914 --> 00:12:54,715
Out of the way.
I'm an emt.
323
00:12:59,287 --> 00:13:00,955
Her airway's jammed.
324
00:13:01,022 --> 00:13:02,189
Come on, now.
Just like that.
325
00:13:02,257 --> 00:13:03,691
(both grunting)
326
00:13:03,758 --> 00:13:05,559
I need some
gravitational help.
327
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,597
Oh, no, her clothes
are constricting!
328
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,465
As are mine!
329
00:13:11,533 --> 00:13:13,400
(breathing heavily)
330
00:13:16,304 --> 00:13:17,471
(coughs)
331
00:13:17,539 --> 00:13:18,873
Oh, my god!
332
00:13:18,940 --> 00:13:21,008
Oh! Thank you, jerome!
333
00:13:21,076 --> 00:13:22,810
You saved my life!
334
00:13:22,878 --> 00:13:25,513
"um, I'll have
what she's having,"
335
00:13:25,580 --> 00:13:27,781
Says the funniest person
in the room.
336
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:34,555
Hey, what are you getting
all dressed up for?
337
00:13:34,623 --> 00:13:36,390
I'm treating quagmire
to a night out.
338
00:13:36,458 --> 00:13:37,758
Really? I thought
he hated you.
339
00:13:37,826 --> 00:13:39,059
How'd you
convince him to go?
340
00:13:39,127 --> 00:13:40,861
I tricked him.
Sent him a phony card.
341
00:13:40,929 --> 00:13:43,097
He thinks he's going
on a date with an
old girlfriend.
342
00:13:43,164 --> 00:13:45,032
But instead,
you're going to show up.
343
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:46,634
You got it.
Yikes.
344
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,335
That's a recipe
for disappointment.
345
00:13:48,403 --> 00:13:49,970
Like walking
a floral arrangement
346
00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:51,405
Through an office
full of fat women.
347
00:13:52,974 --> 00:13:54,508
Is there
a miss...
(excited gasping)
348
00:13:54,576 --> 00:13:56,076
...Es.
(all sighing)
349
00:14:00,649 --> 00:14:03,250
Brian?
Where's cheryl tiegs?
350
00:14:03,318 --> 00:14:05,085
Well, she's not coming.
351
00:14:05,153 --> 00:14:07,655
I wrote you that,
because I knew you'd
never come if it was me.
352
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:10,157
But I planned a big
night and we're gonna
have a great time.
353
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,760
Brian, cheryl was the one
that got away.
354
00:14:12,827 --> 00:14:14,795
She was the great love
of my life.
355
00:14:14,863 --> 00:14:16,564
I thought this was my chance
356
00:14:16,631 --> 00:14:18,632
To finally achieve
some real happiness.
357
00:14:18,700 --> 00:14:21,168
Ever since she left,
I've been chasing girls
358
00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,337
To fill the hole she made
when she walked out.
359
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:25,172
And now I'm forever lost.
360
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,241
Well, I bet a thick,
juicy steak
361
00:14:27,309 --> 00:14:28,776
Could help fill
that hole, huh?
362
00:14:28,843 --> 00:14:30,711
(sobbing)
363
00:14:32,647 --> 00:14:34,815
Aw, come on,
it'll be great.
364
00:14:34,883 --> 00:14:37,518
Listen, glenn,
I-I want us to be friends.
365
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:39,587
I think we could be
an even better team
366
00:14:39,654 --> 00:14:42,356
Than lewis and clark
and the guy who likes
to rip up maps.
367
00:14:42,524 --> 00:14:45,426
All right,
the northwest passage.E.
368
00:14:45,493 --> 00:14:47,494
Hey, can I see that?
369
00:14:48,964 --> 00:14:50,564
Damn it! You ass!
370
00:14:50,632 --> 00:14:52,700
Easy, clark.
I hate that guy!
371
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:53,934
It's been a long trip.
372
00:14:54,002 --> 00:14:55,669
You're tired.
No! I hate him!
373
00:14:55,737 --> 00:14:57,972
Look, you're angry,
you're dehydrated.
374
00:14:58,039 --> 00:14:59,707
Just have some water
from the canteen
375
00:14:59,774 --> 00:15:02,009
And you'll feel better.
Okay.
376
00:15:02,077 --> 00:15:04,378
I just totally drowned
this ant hill.
377
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:10,951
Hey, when are we
going to get there?
378
00:15:11,019 --> 00:15:14,188
Oh, and this is peter
and I at our wedding.
379
00:15:14,255 --> 00:15:15,756
Aw, you look beautiful.
380
00:15:15,824 --> 00:15:17,558
And he's a handsome
fella, ain't he?
381
00:15:17,626 --> 00:15:19,460
Well, I am ready
for my evening.
382
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:20,928
Oh, my god, peter!
383
00:15:20,996 --> 00:15:23,197
What the hell?!
Peter, what are you doing?
384
00:15:23,264 --> 00:15:25,566
Oh, surely, jerome,
you don't want to stay
in the same house
385
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:27,668
As a ghost who carries
a torch around.
386
00:15:27,736 --> 00:15:30,170
Ooh, fire ghost!
387
00:15:30,238 --> 00:15:31,939
Ooh! Ya scared yet?
388
00:15:32,007 --> 00:15:33,574
Didn't know this place
was haunted, did ya?
389
00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,075
Peter, take that
thing off!
390
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:36,543
Hey, what the hell's
going on?
391
00:15:36,611 --> 00:15:37,845
I'll tell you
what's going on.
392
00:15:37,912 --> 00:15:39,647
I have had about
enough of you, jerome.
393
00:15:39,714 --> 00:15:41,949
I know you want my wife,
but you can't have her!
394
00:15:42,017 --> 00:15:44,018
You are no longer
welcome in my house!
395
00:15:44,085 --> 00:15:45,719
Whatchu talkin' 'bout, peter?
(laughs)
396
00:15:45,787 --> 00:15:47,287
But you can't have
sex with lois!
397
00:15:47,355 --> 00:15:49,089
Now, I want you out
of here right now!
398
00:15:49,157 --> 00:15:51,525
I can't believe this.
399
00:15:51,593 --> 00:15:53,761
I thought I found
a true friend in you.
400
00:15:53,828 --> 00:15:57,398
I'd never do anything to hurt
you or your family.
401
00:15:57,465 --> 00:15:59,600
Man, you're breaking my heart.
402
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:01,001
Jerome, wait.
403
00:16:01,069 --> 00:16:02,803
He doesn't know what
he's talking about.
404
00:16:02,871 --> 00:16:04,371
I'm sorry, lois.
405
00:16:04,439 --> 00:16:06,707
I think it would be
better if I left.
406
00:16:06,775 --> 00:16:09,843
Peter, I'm sorry
if I caused you any trouble.
407
00:16:09,911 --> 00:16:12,746
I won't be bothering
you again.
408
00:16:15,283 --> 00:16:18,552
Wow, what just happened
was kind of sad.
409
00:16:18,620 --> 00:16:23,157
(hums family guy theme morosely)
410
00:16:33,168 --> 00:16:35,703
So... Whose leg
do you have to hump
411
00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:37,237
To get a dry martini
around here?
412
00:16:37,305 --> 00:16:39,440
(chuckles)
hmm.
413
00:16:39,507 --> 00:16:41,508
God, look at the size
of these steak knives.
414
00:16:41,576 --> 00:16:43,777
Wha-what are they serving us?
Tyrannosaurus rex?
415
00:16:43,845 --> 00:16:46,613
Not likely.
416
00:16:46,681 --> 00:16:50,684
Hey, what if I just drank
this whole bottle of ketchup?
417
00:16:50,752 --> 00:16:52,553
Can you imagine?
You dare me?
418
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:54,221
Kind of ruins it
for the next person
419
00:16:54,289 --> 00:16:56,290
Who might want
some ketchup.
420
00:16:56,357 --> 00:16:57,958
So, how's
the flying business?
421
00:16:58,026 --> 00:17:00,627
Not so great.
The economy's sort
of taken its toll,
422
00:17:00,695 --> 00:17:03,230
Lot of salary cuts,
lot of layoffs.
Yeah?
423
00:17:03,298 --> 00:17:04,631
That's pretty much it.
424
00:17:04,699 --> 00:17:07,067
I mean, you want to learn
more, read the papers,
425
00:17:07,135 --> 00:17:08,569
Go on the internet,
I-I don't know.
426
00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:10,003
Boy, that's got to be
an interesting job.
427
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,705
I'll bet you got--
how do those things work?
428
00:17:11,773 --> 00:17:13,507
What? Planes?
429
00:17:13,575 --> 00:17:15,909
How does a plane work?
Yeah.
430
00:17:15,977 --> 00:17:18,712
You want me to sit here
and explain to you
how a plane works?
431
00:17:18,780 --> 00:17:20,280
I don't know. Yeah.
432
00:17:20,348 --> 00:17:21,582
You want to maybe just go?
433
00:17:21,649 --> 00:17:23,617
Quagmire, come on,
I'm really trying hard here.
434
00:17:23,685 --> 00:17:25,018
Who asked you to try hard?
435
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,087
Nobody, but all--
I'm trying to establish
436
00:17:27,155 --> 00:17:28,388
A friendship with you.
437
00:17:28,456 --> 00:17:30,390
All I've done is try
to be nice to you,
438
00:17:30,458 --> 00:17:32,926
And you still don't like me.
How can you not like me?
439
00:17:32,994 --> 00:17:35,028
Okay. I'll tell you.
440
00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:37,297
You are the worst person I know.
441
00:17:37,365 --> 00:17:39,066
You constantly hit on your
best friend's wife.
442
00:17:39,134 --> 00:17:40,834
The man pays for your food
and rescued you
443
00:17:40,902 --> 00:17:42,736
From certain death,
and this is how you repay him?
444
00:17:42,804 --> 00:17:45,672
And to add insult to injury,
you defecate all over his yard.
445
00:17:45,740 --> 00:17:47,941
And you're such a sponge.
You pay for nothing.
446
00:17:48,009 --> 00:17:49,510
You always say,
"oh, I'll get you later."
447
00:17:49,577 --> 00:17:50,811
But later never comes.
448
00:17:50,879 --> 00:17:52,679
And what really bothers me,
is you pretend
449
00:17:52,747 --> 00:17:55,015
You're this deep guy who loves
women for their souls
450
00:17:55,083 --> 00:17:56,617
When all you do is date bimbos.
451
00:17:56,684 --> 00:17:58,418
Yeah, I date women
for their bodies,
452
00:17:58,486 --> 00:17:59,853
But at least
I'm honest about it.
453
00:17:59,921 --> 00:18:01,655
I don't buy them a copy
of catcher in the rye
454
00:18:01,723 --> 00:18:04,158
And then lecture them with some
seventh grade interpretation
455
00:18:04,225 --> 00:18:06,660
Of how holden caulfield
is some profound, intellectual.
456
00:18:06,728 --> 00:18:08,796
He wasn't.
He was a spoiled brat.
457
00:18:08,863 --> 00:18:10,764
And that's why you like him
so much-- he's you.
458
00:18:10,832 --> 00:18:12,099
God, you're pretentious!
459
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:13,901
And you delude yourself
by thinking you're some
460
00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:15,202
Great writer,
even though you're terrible.
461
00:18:15,270 --> 00:18:16,570
You know, I should have known
cheryl tiegs
462
00:18:16,638 --> 00:18:18,105
Didn't write me that note.
463
00:18:18,173 --> 00:18:20,307
She would have known there's no
"a" in the word "definite."
464
00:18:20,375 --> 00:18:22,009
And I think
what I hate most about you
465
00:18:22,076 --> 00:18:24,011
Is your textbook liberal agenda,
how we should
466
00:18:24,078 --> 00:18:25,612
"legalize pot, man,"
467
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,548
How big business
is crushing the underclass,
468
00:18:27,615 --> 00:18:29,750
How homelessness is the biggest
tragedy in america.
469
00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,084
Well, what have you done
to help?
470
00:18:31,152 --> 00:18:32,686
I work down at the soup kitchen,
brian.
471
00:18:32,754 --> 00:18:34,121
Never seen you down there.
472
00:18:34,189 --> 00:18:35,656
You want to help?
Grab a ladle!
473
00:18:35,723 --> 00:18:38,826
And, by the way, driving a prius
doesn't make you jesus christ.
474
00:18:38,893 --> 00:18:40,494
Oh, wait, you don't believe
in jesus christ,
475
00:18:40,562 --> 00:18:41,929
Or any religion for that matter,
476
00:18:41,996 --> 00:18:43,463
Because "religion is
for idiots."
477
00:18:43,531 --> 00:18:45,465
Well, who the hell are you
to talk down to anyone?
478
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:47,000
You failed college twice.
479
00:18:47,068 --> 00:18:49,203
Which isn't nearly as bad
as your failure as a father.
480
00:18:49,270 --> 00:18:50,771
How's that son of yours
you never see?
481
00:18:50,839 --> 00:18:52,739
But you know what?
I could forgive all of that,
482
00:18:52,807 --> 00:18:55,709
All of it,
if you weren't such a bore.
483
00:18:55,777 --> 00:18:57,311
That's the worst of it, brian.
484
00:18:57,378 --> 00:19:00,948
You're just a big, sad,
alcoholic bore.
485
00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:02,516
(exhales)
486
00:19:02,584 --> 00:19:03,951
Well, see ya, brian.
487
00:19:04,018 --> 00:19:05,586
Thanks for the
(bleep) steak.
488
00:19:09,624 --> 00:19:11,191
Boy, it sure is nice
489
00:19:11,259 --> 00:19:12,893
Having our house
to ourselves again, huh?
490
00:19:12,961 --> 00:19:14,962
Lois?
491
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:18,398
Peter, sometimes you just make
me sick to my stomach.
492
00:19:18,466 --> 00:19:20,868
Look, I know you
think jerome was
a good guy, but...
493
00:19:20,935 --> 00:19:22,669
No, he was
a good guy, peter.
494
00:19:22,737 --> 00:19:24,171
And I'm gonna
prove it to you.
495
00:19:24,239 --> 00:19:27,007
And you're gonna feel
like a real jackass.
496
00:19:27,075 --> 00:19:28,442
What's that?
497
00:19:28,509 --> 00:19:30,444
It's a gift.
For you.
498
00:19:30,511 --> 00:19:32,279
You don't deserve it,
but if anything,
499
00:19:32,347 --> 00:19:33,780
It's gonna wake you up
a little bit.
500
00:19:33,848 --> 00:19:35,582
Jerome got you this
as a thank you
501
00:19:35,650 --> 00:19:38,118
For letting him stay here.
502
00:19:38,186 --> 00:19:40,954
It's an actual prop
from family ties.
503
00:19:41,022 --> 00:19:44,658
This is... This is one
of nick's garbage sculptures.
504
00:19:44,726 --> 00:19:46,793
Yeah. Pretty thoughtful,
isn't it?
505
00:19:46,861 --> 00:19:49,897
Oh, boy, do I feel like
a jackass.
506
00:19:49,964 --> 00:19:52,332
Lois, I'm sorry.
I'm just...
507
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,534
I let my jealousy
get the best of me.
508
00:19:54,602 --> 00:19:56,503
Jerome's such
a cool guy and I,
509
00:19:56,571 --> 00:19:58,005
I guess I was worried
he was cool enough
510
00:19:58,072 --> 00:19:59,473
To steal you away from me.
511
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:01,675
You should know better
than that, peter.
512
00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:03,744
Now, I think you have
an apology to make.
513
00:20:13,955 --> 00:20:16,957
Hey, you look like
you could use a pal.
514
00:20:17,025 --> 00:20:18,992
Oh. Hi, peter.
515
00:20:19,060 --> 00:20:21,929
Look, I'm sorry
about how I acted.
516
00:20:21,996 --> 00:20:23,630
It's just...
517
00:20:23,698 --> 00:20:24,698
Lois means
everything to me.
518
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:26,133
And when I saw
you together,
519
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,801
I-- I didn't know what
was gonna happen.
520
00:20:27,869 --> 00:20:30,103
I just thought you might
try to mount her
521
00:20:30,171 --> 00:20:31,705
Or whatever it is
you guys do.
522
00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:34,174
Peter, how could you
even think that?
523
00:20:34,242 --> 00:20:36,476
I would never do
anything like that to you.
524
00:20:36,544 --> 00:20:38,445
You were my boy.
We were like family.
525
00:20:38,513 --> 00:20:40,347
Yeah, I know.
526
00:20:40,415 --> 00:20:41,615
I messed up bad.
527
00:20:41,683 --> 00:20:42,983
I'm really sorry, jerome.
528
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,021
We cool, peter. We cool.
529
00:20:48,089 --> 00:20:50,924
But, listen, there is
something I got to fess up to.
530
00:20:50,992 --> 00:20:52,759
While I was living
with y'all,
531
00:20:52,827 --> 00:20:55,862
I had myself lots of
nasty ass sex with meg.
532
00:20:55,930 --> 00:20:57,631
I don't care about that.
533
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:03,941
Hey, brian, how'd it go?
534
00:21:04,008 --> 00:21:05,175
Fine.
535
00:21:05,243 --> 00:21:06,477
Wha-- have you been crying?
536
00:21:06,544 --> 00:21:07,878
What happened?
537
00:21:07,946 --> 00:21:09,980
It didn't work.
He still hates me.
538
00:21:10,048 --> 00:21:11,381
You want to know something?
539
00:21:11,449 --> 00:21:12,649
That's okay.
540
00:21:12,717 --> 00:21:14,384
You don't need quagmire
to like you.
541
00:21:14,452 --> 00:21:18,455
You only need one person to like
you and that person is you.
542
00:21:18,523 --> 00:21:21,125
And I'll tell you something
else, I like you.
543
00:21:21,192 --> 00:21:22,326
Thanks.
544
00:21:22,393 --> 00:21:23,894
You want to sleep
in my room?
545
00:21:23,962 --> 00:21:24,928
Yeah, that'd be nice.
546
00:21:24,929 --> 00:21:32,929
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