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00:00:01,057 --> 00:00:03,091
Good evening, America.
Tonight we present
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00:00:03,314 --> 00:00:04,748
a full hour
of Family Guy,
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00:00:04,815 --> 00:00:07,183
beginning with a very
special extended episode,
4
00:00:07,251 --> 00:00:09,686
followed by some
never-before-seen musical clips.
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00:00:09,754 --> 00:00:10,687
That's right.
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00:00:10,755 --> 00:00:12,122
So, without further ado,
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00:00:12,189 --> 00:00:14,858
here's a little episode
entitled "Stewie and Brian."
8
00:00:14,925 --> 00:00:16,626
Well, actually, it's
called "Brian and Stewie."
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00:00:16,694 --> 00:00:18,828
Really? Shouldn't it be
person before animal,
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00:00:18,896 --> 00:00:20,130
like Turner and Hooch?
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00:00:20,197 --> 00:00:21,931
I don't think that movie
is a good example.
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00:00:21,999 --> 00:00:23,266
Of anything.
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Besides, it's
alphabetical.
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You asked to have
your name first, didn't you?
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Ladies and gentlemen,
here's "Brian and Stewie."
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Pathetic.
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Hurry up.
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We still have to swing by
Wyndham's before they close.
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Relax. I'm almost done.
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00:00:41,619 --> 00:00:43,653
And why do you have
a safety deposit box anyway?
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What's in there
that you can't bury in the yard?
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I have things.
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00:00:47,091 --> 00:00:48,491
You have a dead bird in there?
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00:00:48,559 --> 00:00:49,993
What are you gonna do with that?
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00:00:50,061 --> 00:00:51,227
I was gonna take it home,
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show it to Lois,
make her proud of me.
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Hey, I'm starving.
You want to grab a late lunch?
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Can't.
I'm Jenny Craig-ing.
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Already paid for the meals.
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00:00:57,101 --> 00:00:59,669
And if I want to return
this sweater, we've got to get
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to Wyndham's by half 6:00.
Half 6:00?
32
00:01:01,739 --> 00:01:04,407
Yes. You have to return it
within a fortnight for a refund.
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00:01:04,475 --> 00:01:06,810
I love it, but I feel like
it was too much.
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Cute, right?
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It's Thom Browne.
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It was over $3,000.
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You spent $3,000 on a sweater?!
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What's it to you?
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That's the most idiotic thing
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I've ever heard.
You're a moron.
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A pretentious moron.
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Drop dead.
I was returning it anyway.
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Where'd you even get
that kind of money?
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None of your damn business,
that's where.
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You know, today started
as a really nice outing,
46
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but as usual,
you had to ruin it.
47
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I had to ruin it?
48
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Yeah, you.
49
00:01:28,799 --> 00:01:30,166
You know,
I-I was actually hoping
50
00:01:30,234 --> 00:01:32,135
that you'd talk me
out of returning this sweater.
51
00:01:32,203 --> 00:01:34,237
So, you're right;
I guess I am a moron.
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You know, it's the one time
I ever splurged on myself,
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and you have to go
and make me feel foolish.
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Look, I didn't...
Save it, okay?
55
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I'll be waiting outside
under the porte cochere.
56
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It's my own fault for thinking
I could have pretty things.
57
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I'm not having fun anymore.
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I feel you should know that.
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(door clanks)
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What was that?
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(grunting)
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I don't believe this.
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Hello?! Hello?!
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We're locked in!
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(sniffs)
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Did you... did you
just crap your diaper?
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I got scared when
the door closed.
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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:02:28,125 --> 00:02:29,692
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Family Guy 8x17
Brian and Stewie
Original Air Date on May 2, 2010
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-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
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(knocking)
80
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Hey!
81
00:02:46,010 --> 00:02:47,444
Hello! Hello!
82
00:02:47,511 --> 00:02:48,445
Somebody!
83
00:02:48,512 --> 00:02:49,946
We're trapped in here!
84
00:02:50,014 --> 00:02:51,247
You're wasting
your breath.
85
00:02:51,315 --> 00:02:52,882
These bank vault doors
close automatically
86
00:02:52,950 --> 00:02:54,217
at the end of
the workday.
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This thing won't be open
again till tomorrow.
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Well, there's got to be
some way out of here. Think!
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00:02:57,955 --> 00:02:59,088
I don't know. You
think of something.
90
00:02:59,156 --> 00:03:00,356
Well, I have no idea!
91
00:03:00,424 --> 00:03:01,691
So, you invented a time machine,
92
00:03:01,759 --> 00:03:03,660
but you can't get us
out of a safe?
93
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Yeah, that's science.
I'm not Houdini.
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Can't believe this.
We're locked in here
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until tomorrow and the
only thing I've eaten today
96
00:03:09,033 --> 00:03:10,834
was a grape Chris
dropped at breakfast.
97
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It took me
half an hour
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00:03:12,403 --> 00:03:14,170
just to get the damn
thing off the floor.
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00:03:14,238 --> 00:03:16,206
I'm uncomfortable.
You have to change me.
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00:03:16,273 --> 00:03:17,373
I'm not changing you.
101
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We don't even
have any diapers.
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Oh, my God, that smell
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is making me sick.
(groans)
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00:03:21,412 --> 00:03:22,612
Oh, thank you for making me
more self-conscious.
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00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:24,013
I'm not gonna
be able to stay like this
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until tomorrow,
you know.
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00:03:25,549 --> 00:03:28,051
Well, I don't know what you
expect me to do about it.
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You don't?
109
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No, I don't.
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Stop looking
at me like that.
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Look, I'm ing
to propose something,
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and I need you to hear me out.
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Will you promise me
you'll do that?
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I guess.
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You guess or you will?
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Yes, I'll hear you out.
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Okay, well, I can't be
in a soiled diaper
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until tomorrow, Brian;
we both know that.
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I'll get a rash,
which could lead
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to an infection
if left like this.
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All-all right, fine,
I'll take the diaper off.
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That doesn't really solve
our problem, now, does it?
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Yes, it does.
124
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No, it doesn't though, really.
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See, you're, you're not...
(chuckles)
126
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you're not really
thinking this through.
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W-We would still be faced
128
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with the problem of the odor,
you see.
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And-and, of course, you know,
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then what am I gonna do
with no diaper?
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00:04:10,261 --> 00:04:11,594
I'm-I'm not gonna
walk around here
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with-with my Tic Tac
hanging out.
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I-I need a clean diaper.
134
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I told you, we don't
have any clean diapers.
135
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Well, well, no, I mean,
not right now we don't, no.
136
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But if-if the poo
were to be removed...
137
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I'm not following you.
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If the poo were to be removed...
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W-What does that...?
What are you driving at?
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00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:31,681
Eat it.
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00:04:31,749 --> 00:04:33,550
What?
Eat it, Brian.
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00:04:33,617 --> 00:04:34,851
You're out of
your (bleep) mind.
143
00:04:34,919 --> 00:04:36,553
Now, you promised
you'd hear me out.
144
00:04:36,620 --> 00:04:38,354
Besides, is it really
that big a deal?
145
00:04:38,422 --> 00:04:40,423
You just said yourself
that you're starving.
146
00:04:40,491 --> 00:04:42,592
And, you know, I've seen you
eat poop before, Brian.
147
00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:43,726
Yeah, mine!
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00:04:43,794 --> 00:04:45,094
Is that really
a huge distinction?
149
00:04:45,162 --> 00:04:46,496
It is to me!
150
00:04:46,564 --> 00:04:48,364
I can't even...
How would... You...
151
00:04:48,432 --> 00:04:49,966
That's sick!
That is sick!
152
00:04:50,034 --> 00:04:52,335
How messed up in the head are
you that y-you would even ask?
153
00:04:52,403 --> 00:04:53,970
Look, okay, okay,
just calm down, okay?
(groans)
154
00:04:54,038 --> 00:04:55,505
We're not, we're not...
we're just talking.
155
00:04:55,573 --> 00:04:56,739
We're not doing
anything yet.
156
00:04:56,807 --> 00:04:57,907
All right,
we're just talking.
157
00:04:57,975 --> 00:04:59,475
Nobody's doing anything
at this point.
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Dogs sometimes eat feces.
159
00:05:01,478 --> 00:05:03,346
It's not a judgment;
it's just a fact.
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So what I would need you to do
is eat what's in my diaper,
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lick the diaper clean,
possibly lick my fanny
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00:05:10,621 --> 00:05:13,089
and then put the diaper
back on me.
163
00:05:13,157 --> 00:05:14,991
Probably lick my fanny.
164
00:05:15,059 --> 00:05:17,493
Yeah, you should start wrapping
your brain around that, too.
165
00:05:17,561 --> 00:05:19,395
There is no way any
of that is happening.
166
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Well, I don't see
a way around it, do you?
167
00:05:21,298 --> 00:05:22,565
I would shoot
myself first.
168
00:05:22,633 --> 00:05:23,733
Well, how you gonna
shoot yourself?
169
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:24,701
There's no gun in here.
170
00:05:27,738 --> 00:05:30,673
There's a gun in your safety
deposit box, isn't there?
171
00:05:34,411 --> 00:05:36,312
(both grunting)
172
00:05:39,883 --> 00:05:41,217
(gun cocks)
173
00:05:41,285 --> 00:05:43,119
Stewie, come on. You don't know
how to use that thing.
174
00:05:43,187 --> 00:05:45,788
Oh, really? What if I hold it
sideways like a black guy?
175
00:05:45,856 --> 00:05:47,490
Whoa, whoa, come on, man.
Take it easy, all right?
176
00:05:47,558 --> 00:05:48,458
I-I don't want any trouble.
177
00:05:48,525 --> 00:05:49,759
There's not gonna be any trouble
178
00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,160
as long as you eat my poo.
179
00:05:51,228 --> 00:05:52,428
That's not happening.
180
00:05:52,496 --> 00:05:53,663
Well, then I'll be
forced to shoot you.
181
00:05:53,731 --> 00:05:55,131
Go ahead. There aren't
any bullets in that gun.
182
00:05:55,199 --> 00:05:56,332
I don't believe you.
Then shoot me.
183
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,500
I will. I will!
Do it. Then do it!
184
00:05:57,568 --> 00:05:59,068
What are you waiting for? Go on!
185
00:05:59,136 --> 00:06:00,637
I will! I'll blow
your (bleep) head off!
186
00:06:00,704 --> 00:06:03,072
Wait a minute. Don't you have
your cell phone with you?
187
00:06:03,140 --> 00:06:05,208
(gasps)
You're right!
188
00:06:05,275 --> 00:06:07,543
Oh, no, low battery.
189
00:06:07,611 --> 00:06:10,079
I have to make
this call count.
190
00:06:10,147 --> 00:06:11,280
Hurry up.
191
00:06:11,348 --> 00:06:12,248
It's ringing.
192
00:06:12,316 --> 00:06:13,282
Oh, thank God.
193
00:06:13,350 --> 00:06:14,851
Come on, come on.
194
00:06:14,918 --> 00:06:17,053
Yes, hi. Can you connect me
to men's designer wear, please?
195
00:06:17,121 --> 00:06:18,321
Thank you.
What are you doing?!
196
00:06:18,389 --> 00:06:19,689
This will just
take a second.
197
00:06:19,757 --> 00:06:20,690
Give me that!
Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa.
198
00:06:20,758 --> 00:06:22,425
Hi, uh, this is Stewie Griffin.
199
00:06:22,493 --> 00:06:23,993
Uh, who am I talking to?
200
00:06:24,061 --> 00:06:25,328
Hi, Matthew.
201
00:06:25,396 --> 00:06:26,929
I think you're the salesman
who helped me
202
00:06:26,997 --> 00:06:29,098
pick out a Thom Browne sweater
two weeks ago.
203
00:06:29,166 --> 00:06:30,800
Yes, I was going to see
204
00:06:30,868 --> 00:06:32,669
The Bounty Hunter
that night.
205
00:06:32,736 --> 00:06:34,337
Well, I enjoyed it
very much. Thank you.
206
00:06:34,405 --> 00:06:35,471
Good memory, my word.
207
00:06:35,539 --> 00:06:37,507
Anyway, it doesn't
fit properly and...
208
00:06:37,574 --> 00:06:38,675
Give me the
damn phone!
Hey!
209
00:06:38,742 --> 00:06:39,676
Stop it.
210
00:06:39,743 --> 00:06:41,444
Um, and I don't think I'm gonna
211
00:06:41,512 --> 00:06:43,813
make it to the store
before closing time today.
212
00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:47,316
Is it possible to get
an extension on that refund?
213
00:06:47,384 --> 00:06:49,252
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
214
00:06:49,319 --> 00:06:50,720
No exceptions, I see.
215
00:06:50,788 --> 00:06:53,890
So you're telling me
if I was James Franco calling,
216
00:06:53,957 --> 00:06:57,527
I would still not be able to get
an extension for one day?
217
00:06:57,594 --> 00:06:59,429
Yes, Matthew, I will hold
for your manager.
218
00:06:59,496 --> 00:07:00,963
(whispers):
I'm gonna wrap this up
so quickly.
219
00:07:01,031 --> 00:07:03,433
Hey!
Sorry, he's gonna have
to call you back...
220
00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:05,268
It's dead.
221
00:07:05,335 --> 00:07:08,237
You wasted the one phone call
we had to return a sweater?!
222
00:07:08,305 --> 00:07:11,541
A $3,000 sweater,
which I am now stuck with.
223
00:07:11,608 --> 00:07:12,608
Oh, this day.
224
00:07:12,676 --> 00:07:13,643
(grunts)
225
00:07:13,711 --> 00:07:14,911
Ow.
226
00:07:14,978 --> 00:07:16,479
You stink! And now
I'm trapped in here
227
00:07:16,547 --> 00:07:18,514
with you and your stink
because you were too stupid
228
00:07:18,582 --> 00:07:19,816
to call somebody
who could help us!
229
00:07:19,883 --> 00:07:22,085
That really hurt.
230
00:07:22,152 --> 00:07:23,086
Just get away from me!
231
00:07:23,153 --> 00:07:24,053
I can't even look at you!
232
00:07:24,121 --> 00:07:25,221
Well, I'm-I'm sorry.
233
00:07:25,289 --> 00:07:26,222
Don't be mad.
234
00:07:26,290 --> 00:07:28,091
Don't!
235
00:07:35,232 --> 00:07:36,332
(sniffles)
236
00:07:38,001 --> 00:07:39,836
(sniffles)
237
00:07:43,307 --> 00:07:45,308
(sighs)
238
00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:47,577
All right, I'll do it.
239
00:07:47,644 --> 00:07:48,911
What are you talking about?
240
00:07:48,979 --> 00:07:50,546
(sighs)
241
00:07:50,614 --> 00:07:52,115
I can't leave you like this.
242
00:07:52,182 --> 00:07:54,851
But you have to swear
never to tell anybody.
243
00:07:54,918 --> 00:07:56,586
(gasps)
You mean, you're gonna eat my...
244
00:07:56,653 --> 00:07:58,888
Yeah, no, no, I won't
tell anybody. I swear!
245
00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:01,090
Okay, how should
we do it?
246
00:08:01,158 --> 00:08:02,925
I-I guess it's
dealer's choice, really.
247
00:08:02,993 --> 00:08:04,594
I suppose
the easiest way would be
248
00:08:04,661 --> 00:08:06,662
to use the diaper
as a-a bowl of sorts.
249
00:08:06,730 --> 00:08:08,498
Do you know how
to take it off?
250
00:08:08,565 --> 00:08:10,633
No, I've never done it myself.
Mum does it.
251
00:08:10,701 --> 00:08:12,769
All right, well, we should
get your overalls off first.
252
00:08:12,836 --> 00:08:14,337
I know how
to do the snaps.
253
00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:17,907
There. I did it.
254
00:08:17,975 --> 00:08:19,742
Okay, good. Now let's
get your feet out.
255
00:08:19,810 --> 00:08:21,043
(giggles)
256
00:08:21,111 --> 00:08:22,578
I can't believe
we're doing this.
257
00:08:22,646 --> 00:08:24,413
Oh, really smells bad,
doesn't it?
258
00:08:24,481 --> 00:08:26,516
Yeah. You sure you
can't stay like this?
259
00:08:26,583 --> 00:08:28,251
I'm getting a rash, Brian.
I can feel it.
260
00:08:28,318 --> 00:08:30,119
Okay, okay, I can do this.
261
00:08:30,187 --> 00:08:31,220
All right, lay down.
262
00:08:32,890 --> 00:08:35,291
It's so amazing to me
that you know how to do that.
263
00:08:35,359 --> 00:08:36,659
It's-it's like watching
someone do algebra.
264
00:08:36,727 --> 00:08:38,427
I just have no conception
of how it's done.
265
00:08:39,630 --> 00:08:41,030
Oh, God!
266
00:08:41,098 --> 00:08:42,865
(gagging, coughing)
267
00:08:42,933 --> 00:08:43,966
Okay, you ready?
268
00:08:48,172 --> 00:08:49,672
Okay.
269
00:08:49,740 --> 00:08:52,675
(breathing deeply)
270
00:08:52,743 --> 00:08:53,843
Ah, don't do it
right here!
271
00:08:53,911 --> 00:08:54,977
I don't want to watch!
What?
272
00:08:55,045 --> 00:08:56,679
Take it over there.
Do it in the corner.
273
00:08:56,747 --> 00:08:58,080
It's gross!
It's your poop!
274
00:08:58,148 --> 00:09:00,483
Yeah, but it's your...
activity, you know?
275
00:09:00,551 --> 00:09:02,718
It's... it's your...
it's your thing...
276
00:09:02,786 --> 00:09:04,253
(sighs)
277
00:09:15,132 --> 00:09:17,166
(gasping)
278
00:09:17,234 --> 00:09:18,801
(panting)
279
00:09:18,869 --> 00:09:19,802
I can't finish!
280
00:09:19,870 --> 00:09:20,903
You have to!
281
00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:22,471
How would we explain it
half-eaten?
282
00:09:22,539 --> 00:09:24,140
There's no going back
from this.
283
00:09:28,011 --> 00:09:28,945
(gagging)
284
00:09:29,012 --> 00:09:30,146
(groans)
285
00:09:31,215 --> 00:09:33,516
(gasps)
286
00:09:33,584 --> 00:09:34,884
It's done.
287
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:39,155
Got some dessert for you.
288
00:09:39,223 --> 00:09:40,356
You've gotta
be kidding me.
289
00:09:40,424 --> 00:09:41,624
Come on.
It's throw-up.
290
00:09:41,692 --> 00:09:43,025
You like throw-up.
291
00:09:43,093 --> 00:09:45,294
I do.
I do like throw-up.
292
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:49,999
All right, now let's get
this diaper back on you.
293
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:52,768
Mmm, there's just one part left.
294
00:09:52,836 --> 00:09:54,503
What are you talking about?
There's nothing left.
295
00:09:54,571 --> 00:09:55,571
Look, the diaper's completely
clean.
296
00:09:55,639 --> 00:09:57,740
Yeah, yeah,
but my ass isn't.
297
00:09:57,808 --> 00:09:59,709
You have to clean my ass.
298
00:09:59,776 --> 00:10:01,911
Oh, God, Stewie,
there's got to be a line!
299
00:10:01,979 --> 00:10:03,579
Brian, this is
the most important part.
300
00:10:03,647 --> 00:10:05,214
You've seen Lois
with those sanitary wipes.
301
00:10:05,282 --> 00:10:07,650
She gets all up in
my biznatch with those.
No, no way.
302
00:10:07,718 --> 00:10:08,918
I could get really sick.
303
00:10:08,986 --> 00:10:10,319
Look, there's hardly anything
on it.
304
00:10:10,387 --> 00:10:11,787
This will take one second,
305
00:10:11,855 --> 00:10:14,090
and then we can put this whole
unpleasantness behind us.
306
00:10:14,157 --> 00:10:16,492
If you ever...
307
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,794
I'm not gonna breathe a word
to anybody ever.
308
00:10:18,862 --> 00:10:20,263
Now go on. Get started.
309
00:10:20,330 --> 00:10:22,765
All right, here goes.
310
00:10:22,833 --> 00:10:24,300
Oh, and just do me a favor
311
00:10:24,368 --> 00:10:26,402
and tell me
when you're about to begin
312
00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:28,404
because I don't wanna be
surpri... ♪ Moon river! ♪
313
00:10:28,472 --> 00:10:30,773
Oh, by God, there...
there it goes.
314
00:10:30,841 --> 00:10:33,542
(sighs)
315
00:10:33,610 --> 00:10:35,111
Brian, you rock.
316
00:10:35,178 --> 00:10:36,913
Thank you so much
for doing this.
317
00:10:43,186 --> 00:10:45,554
Oh, wait.
I-I can do this part.
318
00:10:51,728 --> 00:10:53,829
So... yeah.
319
00:10:53,897 --> 00:10:54,897
Thanks.
320
00:10:56,633 --> 00:10:58,401
I feel a lot better now.
321
00:10:58,468 --> 00:11:01,137
(sniffs)
Smell's gone.
322
00:11:04,207 --> 00:11:07,310
Look, I hope this hasn't created
anweirdness between us.
323
00:11:07,377 --> 00:11:09,712
I mean, it's not that strange
what happened.
324
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:11,514
What'd you eat?
325
00:11:11,581 --> 00:11:13,616
Italian Wedding Soup.
326
00:11:13,684 --> 00:11:15,184
Oh, actually, it wasn't bad.
327
00:11:15,252 --> 00:11:16,585
I know, right?!
328
00:11:16,653 --> 00:11:18,621
Jenny Craig, can you believe?
Only 220 calories.
329
00:11:18,689 --> 00:11:20,790
Probably less for you.
330
00:11:20,857 --> 00:11:23,192
You know, I think
I missed my nap today.
331
00:11:23,260 --> 00:11:24,360
I'm sleepy.
332
00:11:24,428 --> 00:11:25,594
Well, why don't
you lie down?
333
00:11:25,662 --> 00:11:26,529
I think I will.
334
00:11:27,764 --> 00:11:28,698
(sighs)
335
00:11:31,268 --> 00:11:32,668
Brian?
What?
336
00:11:32,736 --> 00:11:34,170
I just realized
something.
337
00:11:34,237 --> 00:11:35,604
What?
338
00:11:35,672 --> 00:11:37,106
Tomorrow's Sunday.
339
00:11:37,174 --> 00:11:38,274
(bleep)
340
00:11:44,032 --> 00:11:45,366
(Stewie snoring softly)
341
00:12:02,208 --> 00:12:04,676
Guess this is as good
a time as any.
342
00:12:06,979 --> 00:12:08,146
Ah....
343
00:12:10,116 --> 00:12:11,149
Mmm, whatcha doin'?
344
00:12:11,217 --> 00:12:12,417
Oh. Hey.
345
00:12:12,485 --> 00:12:14,286
Just needed a little drink.
346
00:12:14,353 --> 00:12:16,221
Was kind of saving it,
but, uh...
347
00:12:16,289 --> 00:12:17,255
what the hell, right?
348
00:12:17,323 --> 00:12:18,323
Saving it for what?
349
00:12:18,391 --> 00:12:19,658
It's not important.
350
00:12:19,725 --> 00:12:20,692
Want a sip?
351
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,028
You're offering me some?
352
00:12:23,095 --> 00:12:24,329
It's liquor, isn't it?
353
00:12:24,397 --> 00:12:25,430
Yeah, it's liquor.
354
00:12:25,498 --> 00:12:27,265
Babies aren't supposed
to have liquor.
355
00:12:27,333 --> 00:12:29,801
This would be
the most naughty thing ever.
356
00:12:29,869 --> 00:12:31,670
Do you want
a sip or not?
(giggles)
357
00:12:31,737 --> 00:12:33,538
Yeah, yeah!
358
00:12:33,606 --> 00:12:35,473
But I don't want
to get too buzzed.
359
00:12:35,541 --> 00:12:36,841
People take
advantage of kids
360
00:12:36,909 --> 00:12:37,909
when they're buzzed.
361
00:12:37,977 --> 00:12:39,144
It's so easy,
362
00:12:39,211 --> 00:12:40,245
and I wouldn't
even remember.
363
00:12:40,313 --> 00:12:41,546
So don't you
try anything.
364
00:12:41,614 --> 00:12:42,914
Try what?
365
00:12:42,982 --> 00:12:44,516
I already practically
French-kissed your butt.
366
00:12:44,584 --> 00:12:47,118
Yeah, there was no practically
about that.
367
00:12:47,186 --> 00:12:48,753
Mmm, smooth.
368
00:12:48,821 --> 00:12:50,755
I like what comes out
of Lois' breasts better,
369
00:12:50,823 --> 00:12:52,223
but I, I like this, too.
370
00:12:55,895 --> 00:12:57,896
Ah...
371
00:12:57,964 --> 00:13:02,267
Oh, startin' to...
startin' to feel that.
372
00:13:02,335 --> 00:13:03,602
Oh. You know,
373
00:13:03,669 --> 00:13:05,704
I-I like, I like hanging out
with you, Brian.
374
00:13:05,771 --> 00:13:08,573
I feel like, I feel
like a big boy right now.
375
00:13:08,641 --> 00:13:10,141
Yeah, this isn't
so bad, right?
376
00:13:10,209 --> 00:13:13,445
It's like a
very private party.
377
00:13:13,512 --> 00:13:16,181
Mmm, I feel like dancing.
378
00:13:17,850 --> 00:13:21,853
Yeah, you know
how to move.
379
00:13:21,921 --> 00:13:23,688
That is real...
380
00:13:23,756 --> 00:13:25,156
You... Wow,
that is awesome.
381
00:13:25,224 --> 00:13:26,791
I'm really impressed.
382
00:13:26,859 --> 00:13:28,893
Oh, wait, I can hurdle
my own leg
383
00:13:28,961 --> 00:13:30,595
like they used
to do in the '90s.
384
00:13:35,368 --> 00:13:37,669
(slurring):
Okay, all right,
you know,
385
00:13:37,737 --> 00:13:39,037
this is gonna sound
really weird.
386
00:13:39,105 --> 00:13:40,472
This is gonna
sound really weird,
387
00:13:40,539 --> 00:13:42,874
but I really want you
to do it, okay?
Wha... what?
388
00:13:42,942 --> 00:13:44,709
First you have to say
that you'll do it
389
00:13:44,777 --> 00:13:45,777
before I tell you,
390
00:13:45,845 --> 00:13:47,612
no mat...
no matter what it is.
391
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:48,947
All right.
Really?!
392
00:13:49,015 --> 00:13:50,248
Yeah.
Sure, w-what is it?
393
00:13:50,316 --> 00:13:53,051
I want you to pierce my ear.
394
00:13:53,119 --> 00:13:55,053
Let's do it.
395
00:13:55,121 --> 00:13:56,354
You mean it?
396
00:13:56,422 --> 00:13:57,889
Because I-I...
Look-look at my face.
397
00:13:57,957 --> 00:13:59,557
I'm totally serious.
Are you totally serious?
398
00:13:59,625 --> 00:14:01,326
I-I'm with ya.
I'm on the train!
399
00:14:01,394 --> 00:14:02,827
You have...?
Do you have a needle?
400
00:14:02,895 --> 00:14:04,796
Uh, uh, ooh, there's a pin
in the sweater.
401
00:14:04,864 --> 00:14:06,665
Here.
402
00:14:06,732 --> 00:14:07,866
Oh, my God!
This is happening!
403
00:14:07,933 --> 00:14:08,933
This is really happening!
404
00:14:09,001 --> 00:14:10,502
Oh, you know,
I think this is going
405
00:14:10,569 --> 00:14:11,803
to look so good on me.
406
00:14:11,871 --> 00:14:13,471
This, this...
You know what else?
407
00:14:13,539 --> 00:14:16,207
Oh, maybe I'll buy a glove
with no knuckles.
408
00:14:16,275 --> 00:14:18,009
Aren't we supposed to, like,
heat it or something?
409
00:14:18,077 --> 00:14:19,310
I don't care. I really...
410
00:14:19,378 --> 00:14:21,379
I don't give a...
I'm all worked up right now,
411
00:14:21,447 --> 00:14:23,448
so we have to do it.
Just do it, okay?
412
00:14:23,516 --> 00:14:24,649
Before... Wha-what are we
drinking anyway?
413
00:14:24,717 --> 00:14:25,684
Glenfiddich.
414
00:14:25,751 --> 00:14:26,851
♪ Love her! ♪
415
00:14:26,919 --> 00:14:28,086
Oh, you know what?
416
00:14:28,154 --> 00:14:29,654
I'll just sterilize it
in the scotch.
417
00:14:29,722 --> 00:14:31,256
You just sterilize it
in the scotch.
418
00:14:31,323 --> 00:14:32,390
Why didn't...?
It's, it's...
419
00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:34,693
Bitch, sterilize
that bitch up, you know?
420
00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:37,962
You know, I don't, I don't know
why I told Matthew
421
00:14:38,030 --> 00:14:40,565
that I liked, that I liked
The Bounty Hunter
422
00:14:40,633 --> 00:14:41,833
'cause I hated it.
423
00:14:41,901 --> 00:14:44,402
I just, I wanted him to like me
in that moment.
424
00:14:44,470 --> 00:14:45,837
And that's why I said it.
425
00:14:45,905 --> 00:14:48,073
I don't... Why do I...
why do I do that?
426
00:14:48,140 --> 00:14:50,608
Why do I...? Why am I such
a people pleaser, you know?
427
00:14:50,676 --> 00:14:52,444
When, when is it
Stewie's turn, you know?
428
00:14:52,511 --> 00:14:54,679
I, I, I'm...
429
00:14:54,747 --> 00:14:55,914
I voted for McCain.
430
00:14:55,981 --> 00:14:57,315
Okay, left ear.
Left, left ear.
431
00:14:57,383 --> 00:14:58,249
Right now.
Stick it in.
432
00:14:58,317 --> 00:14:59,517
me on, dude.
433
00:14:59,585 --> 00:15:01,619
Can I just...
can I just say before...?
434
00:15:01,687 --> 00:15:03,321
Can we just, like, take two...?
435
00:15:03,389 --> 00:15:05,056
I-I love... You're so brave.
436
00:15:05,124 --> 00:15:07,292
I just love how brave
you're being right now.
437
00:15:07,359 --> 00:15:09,360
This is like the closest
I've ever felt to you.
438
00:15:09,428 --> 00:15:10,628
Okay. Oh, my God,
439
00:15:10,696 --> 00:15:12,097
I was thinking
the same thing.
440
00:15:12,164 --> 00:15:14,599
We are so "us" right now.
441
00:15:14,667 --> 00:15:16,468
Do you...
do you know that?
442
00:15:17,336 --> 00:15:18,837
Okay, okay.
443
00:15:18,904 --> 00:15:19,938
Okay, here we go.
444
00:15:20,005 --> 00:15:20,939
(screams)
445
00:15:21,006 --> 00:15:22,640
Oh, my God!
446
00:15:22,708 --> 00:15:23,608
Oh! Are you okay?
447
00:15:23,676 --> 00:15:24,642
Is it over?
448
00:15:24,710 --> 00:15:25,810
I think.
449
00:15:25,878 --> 00:15:27,245
I-I don't know
where the pin went.
450
00:15:27,313 --> 00:15:28,146
Mov... Wait,
move your hand.
451
00:15:29,849 --> 00:15:32,217
Oh, wow! Oh, (bleep)!
452
00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:34,052
What? What?
What is it?
453
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:35,587
There's so much blood.
454
00:15:35,654 --> 00:15:37,055
Ew...!
455
00:15:37,123 --> 00:15:38,223
It's stuck in there.
456
00:15:38,290 --> 00:15:39,491
I think the pin's
too thick
457
00:15:39,558 --> 00:15:40,825
to go all
the way through.
458
00:15:40,893 --> 00:15:42,694
Ew! Get it out!
(screams)
459
00:15:42,762 --> 00:15:44,062
Got it.
460
00:15:44,130 --> 00:15:45,296
How's it look?
461
00:15:45,364 --> 00:15:47,132
Cool.
462
00:15:47,199 --> 00:15:48,800
Really? Oh, that's good.
463
00:15:48,868 --> 00:15:51,069
Oh, I knew it was...
I knew it would look...
464
00:15:51,137 --> 00:15:52,036
it would look cool.
465
00:15:52,104 --> 00:15:53,138
We don't... Wait.
466
00:15:53,205 --> 00:15:55,173
Don't we have
to put an earring in it
467
00:15:55,241 --> 00:15:56,608
so the hole won't close?
468
00:15:56,675 --> 00:15:58,843
I don't think it's gonna close.
469
00:15:58,911 --> 00:16:00,078
I can't believe...
470
00:16:00,146 --> 00:16:03,047
I can't believe
I have pierced ears.
471
00:16:03,115 --> 00:16:07,018
I'm one of those people
who I talk about.
472
00:16:07,086 --> 00:16:08,920
Finally, no more clip-ons,
you know?
473
00:16:08,988 --> 00:16:10,922
No... Hey, give me
some of that.
474
00:16:10,990 --> 00:16:12,056
Don't hog that there.
475
00:16:12,124 --> 00:16:13,558
Give me some of that.
476
00:16:13,626 --> 00:16:15,860
It looks... it looks
really good, Stewie.
477
00:16:15,928 --> 00:16:17,195
I wish we had
a mirror
478
00:16:17,263 --> 00:16:19,130
'cause I-I-I actually did
a really good job.
479
00:16:19,198 --> 00:16:20,198
Oh, yeah, it's awesome.
480
00:16:20,266 --> 00:16:21,166
I'm not worried.
481
00:16:23,002 --> 00:16:25,203
Mmm, cozy.
482
00:16:25,271 --> 00:16:27,739
So, um, question.
483
00:16:27,807 --> 00:16:28,740
Yeah?
484
00:16:28,808 --> 00:16:30,375
This is gonna seem stupid,
485
00:16:30,442 --> 00:16:32,477
but I've been dying
to know.
486
00:16:32,545 --> 00:16:33,444
The Dog Whisperer.
487
00:16:33,512 --> 00:16:34,546
Wha... what is that?
488
00:16:34,613 --> 00:16:36,114
Is any, is any
of that true?
489
00:16:36,182 --> 00:16:37,916
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I've offended you.
490
00:16:37,983 --> 00:16:39,818
No, no, no, no,
not at all, Stewie, no.
491
00:16:39,885 --> 00:16:41,486
No, it's, some,
some of that stuff,
492
00:16:41,554 --> 00:16:42,787
some of that stuff
is right on.
493
00:16:42,855 --> 00:16:43,855
Really? Wow.
494
00:16:43,923 --> 00:16:45,190
Well, give me
a "for instance."
495
00:16:45,257 --> 00:16:46,224
Well, the guy
talks about...
496
00:16:46,292 --> 00:16:47,826
Cesar Millan.
Right, Cesar Millan
497
00:16:47,893 --> 00:16:50,061
talks about living
in the moment
498
00:16:50,129 --> 00:16:52,730
because that's how dogs live,
you know?
499
00:16:52,798 --> 00:16:53,932
We live in the moment.
500
00:16:53,999 --> 00:16:56,034
I so don't live in the moment.
501
00:16:56,101 --> 00:16:58,169
I'm always, "Oh, remember
that petting zoo?"
502
00:16:58,237 --> 00:17:00,371
Or "I can't wait
to go to Florida."
503
00:17:00,439 --> 00:17:02,841
I'm never, I'm never,
like, really present.
504
00:17:02,908 --> 00:17:04,742
You know, you-you gotta help me
work on that.
505
00:17:04,810 --> 00:17:06,144
Oh, definitely.
Definitely, man.
506
00:17:06,212 --> 00:17:07,545
Live with purpose, you know?
507
00:17:07,613 --> 00:17:09,347
Celebrate every day.
508
00:17:09,415 --> 00:17:12,016
He talks about all those things
that dogs do.
509
00:17:12,084 --> 00:17:13,184
Like, we do that.
510
00:17:13,252 --> 00:17:14,886
Dogs do that.
It's instinctual.
511
00:17:14,954 --> 00:17:17,355
In us, you know?
It's like I can't not do it.
512
00:17:17,423 --> 00:17:19,057
That's kind of
what his whole thing is.
513
00:17:19,124 --> 00:17:21,259
Such beautiful lessons.
514
00:17:21,327 --> 00:17:22,861
I hope he's not Mexican.
515
00:17:22,928 --> 00:17:25,363
There's something off about him,
but I hope it's not that.
516
00:17:25,431 --> 00:17:28,600
You know, people can learn
a lot from dogs, you know?
517
00:17:28,667 --> 00:17:30,902
A lot.
Like, we're like,
like here's us...
518
00:17:30,970 --> 00:17:31,903
We're, like,
"Yeah! Yeah!"
519
00:17:31,971 --> 00:17:33,438
Like that. "Yeah! Yeah!"
520
00:17:33,505 --> 00:17:35,473
Okay, sure, sure,
relax, relax.
521
00:17:35,541 --> 00:17:37,542
It's just, well, you don't...
522
00:17:37,610 --> 00:17:41,246
I mean, you don't really do
any of those things, do you?
523
00:17:41,313 --> 00:17:43,181
Yeah, I do. Wait.
What are you talking about?
524
00:17:43,249 --> 00:17:45,283
It's just, I don't know...
525
00:17:45,351 --> 00:17:47,118
I mean, do you, you really live
with purpose?
526
00:17:47,186 --> 00:17:48,753
How could you say that to me?
527
00:17:48,821 --> 00:17:50,288
Just callin' it like I see it.
528
00:17:50,356 --> 00:17:51,956
Listen, why, why don't...
why don't you...
529
00:17:52,024 --> 00:17:53,892
You know what?
You can just go to hell!
530
00:17:53,959 --> 00:17:56,394
Hey, whoa, whoa. Look, I didn't
mean to start anything.
531
00:17:56,462 --> 00:17:57,695
Let's just forget it, okay?
532
00:17:57,763 --> 00:17:59,097
We're... we're having
a good time.
533
00:17:59,164 --> 00:18:00,498
I don't want to forget it.
534
00:18:00,566 --> 00:18:02,967
How dare you tell me that
my life doesn't have purpose.
535
00:18:03,035 --> 00:18:05,103
No, that's not what I said.
That's what you're saying.
536
00:18:05,170 --> 00:18:07,405
No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't
try to turn my words on me.
537
00:18:07,473 --> 00:18:08,606
And you know what,
take that sweater off.
538
00:18:08,674 --> 00:18:10,008
It makes you look queer.
539
00:18:10,075 --> 00:18:11,342
Okay, well, now you're
just bein' a dick.
540
00:18:11,410 --> 00:18:12,777
Well, you might as well
get used to it.
541
00:18:12,845 --> 00:18:14,612
You're gonna be hearing a lot
worse once you go to school.
542
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:17,081
Are you trying to hurt me?
543
00:18:17,149 --> 00:18:18,416
Because you've succeeded.
544
00:18:18,484 --> 00:18:20,051
Oh, just calling it
like I see it.
545
00:18:20,119 --> 00:18:22,287
Oh, I see.
Is that what we're doing?
546
00:18:22,354 --> 00:18:24,222
All right, well, I'll play
that game with you.
547
00:18:24,290 --> 00:18:26,024
Oh, yeah? What are
you gonna do?
548
00:18:26,091 --> 00:18:27,158
You think I care
about you?
549
00:18:27,226 --> 00:18:28,259
I don't.
550
00:18:28,327 --> 00:18:29,794
Yes, you do.
I know you do.
551
00:18:29,862 --> 00:18:31,562
I don't really care.
552
00:18:31,630 --> 00:18:34,165
No, you're just smart enough
and you're just clever enough
553
00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:35,767
to occasionally amuse me.
554
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:38,836
If I had anybody else-- anybody
else to choose from-- I would.
555
00:18:38,904 --> 00:18:41,372
You are the best
of a bad situation.
556
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:42,674
Nothing more.
557
00:18:42,741 --> 00:18:44,008
I use you, man.
558
00:18:44,076 --> 00:18:46,244
Yeah, I would know
if you were using me.
559
00:18:46,312 --> 00:18:47,312
Oh, oh, you would?
560
00:18:47,379 --> 00:18:48,680
I got you to eat my poop.
561
00:18:48,747 --> 00:18:50,114
And you know why I did it?
562
00:18:50,182 --> 00:18:51,649
Yeah, you were afraid
you were going to get sick.
563
00:18:51,717 --> 00:18:53,685
Because I wanted to see
if I could.
564
00:18:53,752 --> 00:18:55,620
What?
565
00:18:55,688 --> 00:18:59,023
Come on, Brian, I spend half
the day in a dirty diaper.
566
00:18:59,091 --> 00:19:00,224
I was bored.
567
00:19:00,292 --> 00:19:01,759
Just passing the time.
568
00:19:01,827 --> 00:19:04,662
I thought, "How low can I
get this douchebag to go?"
569
00:19:04,730 --> 00:19:06,064
Oh, my God!
570
00:19:06,131 --> 00:19:09,434
And when you did it,
I actually felt sorry for you.
571
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:10,702
There. Your turn.
572
00:19:10,769 --> 00:19:12,470
You're a monster.
573
00:19:12,538 --> 00:19:13,871
Hey, you started
this whole thing.
574
00:19:13,939 --> 00:19:16,307
You son of a bitch,
I could kill you for that!
575
00:19:16,375 --> 00:19:17,475
Oh, really?
Well, how convenient.
576
00:19:17,543 --> 00:19:18,476
You got a gun right there.
577
00:19:20,612 --> 00:19:23,081
Here you go, Brian.
You want to kill me?
Kill me with this.
578
00:19:23,148 --> 00:19:25,016
Oh, but there are no bullets
in it, are there?
579
00:19:25,084 --> 00:19:27,118
Yeah, there are. I lied.
580
00:19:27,186 --> 00:19:28,453
Oh, you're so full of crap.
581
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:29,821
Besides, if you shot me,
582
00:19:29,888 --> 00:19:31,255
it'd all be caught
on that security camera.
583
00:19:33,926 --> 00:19:36,894
Security cam... Oh, my God,
maybe somebody can see us!
584
00:19:36,962 --> 00:19:38,463
Hey, hey, somebody help!
585
00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:40,064
We're in here!
586
00:19:40,132 --> 00:19:41,899
No one's out there, Brian.
They would have come in.
587
00:19:41,967 --> 00:19:43,034
Save your energy.
588
00:19:43,102 --> 00:19:46,571
Oh, my God.
What?
589
00:19:46,638 --> 00:19:48,673
It's all on tape.
What's all on tape?
590
00:19:48,741 --> 00:19:51,476
(laughing)
Oh.
591
00:19:51,543 --> 00:19:55,913
Oh, my God, oh, that
is gonna be on YouTube.
592
00:19:55,981 --> 00:19:57,415
Oh, God.
593
00:19:57,483 --> 00:19:58,516
Everybody that works
in an office
594
00:19:58,584 --> 00:19:59,951
is gonna say to
their coworkers,
595
00:20:00,019 --> 00:20:01,219
"Hey, type in
'dog, baby, heinie lick.'
596
00:20:01,286 --> 00:20:02,920
Check this out."
597
00:20:02,988 --> 00:20:05,857
And then the boss is gonna say,
"Hey, what are you doing there?
598
00:20:05,924 --> 00:20:07,859
Oh, yeah, that's funny.
I saw that in my room."
599
00:20:07,926 --> 00:20:10,094
"Okay, now type in
'Japanese, fish, ass.'"
600
00:20:10,162 --> 00:20:11,996
I am gonna be so humiliated.
601
00:20:12,064 --> 00:20:13,331
Well, I could save you
the embarrassment
602
00:20:13,399 --> 00:20:14,699
and shoot you in the head
603
00:20:14,767 --> 00:20:15,833
except there aren't
any bullets in this gun.
604
00:20:17,469 --> 00:20:18,436
(both screaming)
605
00:20:37,489 --> 00:20:39,390
I'm sorry, Stewie.
606
00:20:39,458 --> 00:20:41,125
Me, too.
607
00:20:42,728 --> 00:20:44,328
How long is this gonna last?
608
00:20:44,396 --> 00:20:45,897
No idea.
609
00:20:54,234 --> 00:20:57,536
(breathing deeply)
610
00:21:01,423 --> 00:21:02,557
Hope I'm not bothering you.
611
00:21:02,738 --> 00:21:03,704
Nope.
612
00:21:03,772 --> 00:21:05,273
Just doing some stretching.
613
00:21:05,340 --> 00:21:07,875
Maybe a few poses.
614
00:21:07,943 --> 00:21:09,477
You'll tell me if I'm
bothering you, right?
615
00:21:09,545 --> 00:21:10,478
Uh-huh.
616
00:21:10,546 --> 00:21:12,213
I know what you're thinking.
617
00:21:12,281 --> 00:21:14,749
Stewie's so late
to the yoga party.
618
00:21:14,817 --> 00:21:16,384
I'm not even any good.
619
00:21:16,452 --> 00:21:17,785
Right?
620
00:21:17,853 --> 00:21:19,020
I mean, I'm okay.
621
00:21:19,087 --> 00:21:20,955
You know, I'm not
the worst in the class.
622
00:21:21,023 --> 00:21:22,890
I've even been singled out
a few times.
623
00:21:22,958 --> 00:21:25,193
Probably because it's mostly
pregnant women in the group.
624
00:21:25,260 --> 00:21:27,662
Still, Brody must see something.
625
00:21:27,729 --> 00:21:29,096
Although I certainly don't.
626
00:21:29,164 --> 00:21:31,365
But then again I'm not
the instructor, am I?
627
00:21:31,433 --> 00:21:33,000
Oh, yuck.
What happened to my ear?
628
00:21:33,068 --> 00:21:34,068
We pierced it.
629
00:21:34,136 --> 00:21:36,070
Oh, yeah.
630
00:21:36,138 --> 00:21:39,207
Lot of crazy (bleep)
went on last night.
631
00:21:39,274 --> 00:21:40,708
Well, we were both drunk.
632
00:21:40,776 --> 00:21:42,176
Oh, of course, of course.
633
00:21:42,244 --> 00:21:43,411
Oh, yes, that's right.
634
00:21:43,479 --> 00:21:45,213
We were four pillows
to the breeze, my friend.
635
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:46,781
I don't know what
the phrase is.
636
00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:47,915
W-w-what're you...
what are you reading?
637
00:21:47,983 --> 00:21:48,983
David Copperfield.
638
00:21:49,051 --> 00:21:50,084
It looks old.
639
00:21:50,152 --> 00:21:51,519
It's a first edition.
640
00:21:51,587 --> 00:21:53,387
That's why I keep it
in my safety deposit box.
641
00:21:53,455 --> 00:21:54,589
It's by Charles Dickens.
642
00:21:54,656 --> 00:21:55,623
Ha. Giggity.
643
00:21:59,495 --> 00:22:01,062
What are you doing?
644
00:22:01,129 --> 00:22:02,129
I was hungry.
645
00:22:02,197 --> 00:22:03,431
You want one?
646
00:22:03,499 --> 00:22:05,566
You've had energy bars
this whole time?!
647
00:22:05,634 --> 00:22:06,701
You idiot!
648
00:22:06,768 --> 00:22:08,336
Not energy bars.
649
00:22:08,403 --> 00:22:09,770
Jenny Craig Anytime Bars.
650
00:22:09,838 --> 00:22:11,572
And you just bitched
yourself out of a bite.
651
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:13,441
All right, I'm sorry.
652
00:22:13,509 --> 00:22:15,176
All right, can I
have one, please?
653
00:22:15,244 --> 00:22:16,444
All right.
654
00:22:16,512 --> 00:22:18,513
Can you give me
a caramel one?
No.
655
00:22:18,580 --> 00:22:22,817
You can have... um...
656
00:22:22,885 --> 00:22:25,386
You can have...
um...
657
00:22:25,454 --> 00:22:26,487
you can have
strawberry yogurt.
658
00:22:26,555 --> 00:22:27,822
I don't like
strawberry yogurt.
659
00:22:27,890 --> 00:22:29,690
Oh, picky for someone
who eats the same food
660
00:22:29,758 --> 00:22:31,659
out of a plastic bowl
on the floor every night.
661
00:22:31,727 --> 00:22:32,860
Okay, I get it.
662
00:22:32,928 --> 00:22:34,629
A bowl that starts
in the kitchen
663
00:22:34,696 --> 00:22:37,632
at the beginning of a meal
and ends up in the living room.
Shut up.
664
00:22:37,699 --> 00:22:40,234
And then forgets four seconds
later that he ate it.
Shut up!
665
00:22:40,302 --> 00:22:43,070
Ooh, harsh tone, you just got
bumped down to coconut mint.
666
00:22:43,138 --> 00:22:44,539
(sighs)
667
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,414
Hey, Bri?
668
00:22:53,482 --> 00:22:54,982
Yeah?
669
00:22:55,050 --> 00:22:56,317
How come you have a gun?
670
00:22:56,385 --> 00:22:58,386
I don't know.
671
00:22:58,453 --> 00:22:59,921
What do you mean you don't know?
672
00:22:59,988 --> 00:23:01,756
You... you...
what about all that liberal crap
673
00:23:01,823 --> 00:23:04,525
you're always spewing
about stricter gun regulations?
674
00:23:04,593 --> 00:23:06,193
You even cried after Columbine.
675
00:23:06,261 --> 00:23:07,862
Because that was
a national tragedy.
676
00:23:07,930 --> 00:23:09,897
Oh, it was kind
of a regional tragedy.
677
00:23:09,965 --> 00:23:10,998
Whatever.
678
00:23:11,066 --> 00:23:12,166
It's just weird, you know?
679
00:23:12,234 --> 00:23:13,434
I mean, you're
the last person
680
00:23:13,502 --> 00:23:14,769
anybody would expect
to have a gun.
681
00:23:14,836 --> 00:23:16,671
Well, that's why I keep it here
where it's safe.
682
00:23:16,738 --> 00:23:18,005
That doesn't make any sense.
683
00:23:18,073 --> 00:23:19,941
Why have it
if you're not gonna use it?
684
00:23:20,008 --> 00:23:22,777
(gasps)
Is it like a sexual thing?
No.
685
00:23:22,844 --> 00:23:24,412
Oh, that's a relief.
686
00:23:24,479 --> 00:23:26,247
I hate the idea of you
getting your thrills
687
00:23:26,315 --> 00:23:28,416
pressing a gun
up against your crotch.
688
00:23:28,483 --> 00:23:30,251
Ugh, just picturing it
gives me the willies.
689
00:23:30,319 --> 00:23:32,887
You know, I really don't
want to talk about this
with you, Stewie.
690
00:23:32,955 --> 00:23:34,822
Okay, okay, I respect that.
Thank you.
691
00:23:36,825 --> 00:23:38,626
Are you sure it's
not a sexual thing?
692
00:23:38,694 --> 00:23:40,294
I'm sure.
693
00:23:40,362 --> 00:23:42,863
Oh, good, 'cause that'd be
strange if you had fantasies
694
00:23:42,931 --> 00:23:44,999
about pressing a gun
up against your crotch
695
00:23:45,067 --> 00:23:46,500
and feeling your heartbeat
through your balls.
696
00:23:47,836 --> 00:23:49,236
Please tell me why you have it.
697
00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:51,072
I said I don't want
to talk about it.
698
00:23:51,139 --> 00:23:52,139
But I want to know.
699
00:23:52,207 --> 00:23:53,140
Just tell me. Come on.
700
00:23:53,208 --> 00:23:54,241
No.
701
00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:55,309
Come on, please.
702
00:23:55,377 --> 00:23:58,512
(sighs)
703
00:23:58,580 --> 00:24:02,984
I keep it in case... I ever
want to commit suicide, okay?
704
00:24:03,051 --> 00:24:04,385
Wow.
705
00:24:04,453 --> 00:24:06,654
Oh.
706
00:24:06,722 --> 00:24:08,089
Oh, my God.
707
00:24:08,156 --> 00:24:09,924
You're... you're serious.
708
00:24:09,992 --> 00:24:11,359
But why, Brian?
709
00:24:11,426 --> 00:24:13,194
You wouldn't understand.
You're just a kid.
710
00:24:13,261 --> 00:24:14,895
Well, I could try.
711
00:24:14,963 --> 00:24:19,367
I don't know.
Sometimes it's... all too much.
712
00:24:19,434 --> 00:24:21,669
What is?
Life.
713
00:24:21,737 --> 00:24:23,204
Everything.
714
00:24:23,271 --> 00:24:25,039
Just having the gun here,
715
00:24:25,107 --> 00:24:27,642
knowing there's a way out,
it... it helps.
716
00:24:27,709 --> 00:24:29,777
Yes, but a gun... it's so messy.
717
00:24:29,845 --> 00:24:30,978
What about pills?
718
00:24:31,046 --> 00:24:32,913
Even hanging yourself is better.
719
00:24:32,981 --> 00:24:35,182
At least then you might grow
an inch or two
720
00:24:35,250 --> 00:24:36,217
while you're hanging there.
721
00:24:36,284 --> 00:24:37,652
Of course, when they find you,
722
00:24:37,719 --> 00:24:39,654
you might have those
Illeana Douglas eyes.
723
00:24:39,721 --> 00:24:41,689
Hmm.
724
00:24:41,757 --> 00:24:43,924
So, um, why the gun?
725
00:24:43,992 --> 00:24:46,994
It just seemed
the quickest way, I guess.
726
00:24:47,062 --> 00:24:49,697
I suppose.
727
00:24:49,765 --> 00:24:52,266
But I-I-I don't quite understand
why you're so unhappy.
728
00:24:52,334 --> 00:24:58,205
Yesterday when you said
I don't live with purpose...
729
00:24:58,273 --> 00:25:00,174
you were right.
730
00:25:00,242 --> 00:25:01,642
I don't.
731
00:25:01,710 --> 00:25:03,477
What purpose does my life have?
732
00:25:03,545 --> 00:25:04,845
I don't like
when you talk like this.
733
00:25:04,913 --> 00:25:06,881
Oh, it's true, Stewie.
734
00:25:06,948 --> 00:25:09,884
Dogs are supposed to be able to
instinctively live with purpose,
735
00:25:09,951 --> 00:25:12,386
not even to have think about it,
just born like that.
736
00:25:12,454 --> 00:25:15,156
But I wasn't.
737
00:25:15,223 --> 00:25:17,358
You know, I've tried to find
meaning in my life,
738
00:25:17,426 --> 00:25:20,394
and I just... I just can't.
739
00:25:20,462 --> 00:25:23,130
And that bottle of Scotch?
740
00:25:23,198 --> 00:25:25,866
I was saving it
for my last drink.
741
00:25:25,934 --> 00:25:27,802
Wow, heavy.
742
00:25:27,869 --> 00:25:29,737
And, you know, I'm not
talking about purpose
743
00:25:29,805 --> 00:25:32,239
in the shallow,
Rick Warren over-the-counter
self-help variety
744
00:25:32,307 --> 00:25:33,841
because that's...
that's just delusion.
745
00:25:33,909 --> 00:25:34,942
That's not real.
746
00:25:35,010 --> 00:25:36,711
I mean, is there ever a time
747
00:25:36,778 --> 00:25:39,647
when we're truly
in the present moment
748
00:25:39,715 --> 00:25:41,849
and not looking toward
the past or the future?
749
00:25:41,917 --> 00:25:43,684
I mean, right there,
in the moment?
750
00:25:43,752 --> 00:25:48,089
I get that way when
I watch Handy Manny.
751
00:25:48,156 --> 00:25:50,324
So is that why
we came here?
752
00:25:50,392 --> 00:25:51,992
Were you gonna end it?
753
00:25:52,060 --> 00:25:54,195
No, I was just putting money
in my Christmas club.
754
00:25:54,262 --> 00:25:55,996
God, I have to get
one of those.
755
00:25:56,064 --> 00:25:57,965
You know, last year
I only had $30 saved
756
00:25:58,033 --> 00:25:59,066
when the holidays
came around.
757
00:25:59,134 --> 00:26:00,601
I was so embarrassed.
758
00:26:00,669 --> 00:26:02,636
I think I gave Meg tape.
759
00:26:02,704 --> 00:26:06,707
Well, you're the... only person
I've ever told this to.
760
00:26:08,477 --> 00:26:09,910
Aren't you gonna say anything?
761
00:26:09,978 --> 00:26:12,379
Well, I don't know
what to say.
762
00:26:12,447 --> 00:26:15,282
Wanting to kil
yourself, I...
763
00:26:15,350 --> 00:26:16,984
Well, I think that's
pretty selfish of you.
764
00:26:17,052 --> 00:26:18,486
How is that selfish?
765
00:26:18,553 --> 00:26:21,188
What would I do
if you weren't here? Hmm?
766
00:26:21,256 --> 00:26:23,424
You're the only one
who makes my life bearable.
767
00:26:23,492 --> 00:26:26,727
I thought you said I was
the best of a bad situation.
768
00:26:26,795 --> 00:26:29,563
I was just trying to hurt you
'cause you hurt me.
769
00:26:29,631 --> 00:26:30,998
But the truth is...
770
00:26:31,066 --> 00:26:32,399
you're my only friend, Brian.
771
00:26:32,467 --> 00:26:34,135
If I didn't have you,
I'd be lost.
772
00:26:34,202 --> 00:26:35,236
You'd be okay.
773
00:26:35,303 --> 00:26:37,037
No, I wouldn't.
774
00:26:37,105 --> 00:26:39,340
I don't really care
for anybody else. Just you.
775
00:26:39,407 --> 00:26:40,808
You're the only one I like.
776
00:26:40,876 --> 00:26:44,345
Well... thanks.
777
00:26:44,412 --> 00:26:47,148
I like you a lot.
778
00:26:47,215 --> 00:26:51,952
I guess you could say
I... really like you.
779
00:26:52,020 --> 00:26:55,422
I would even dare to go
a little further perhaps.
780
00:26:55,490 --> 00:26:58,793
I care a great deal about you.
781
00:26:58,860 --> 00:27:00,127
A very great deal.
782
00:27:00,195 --> 00:27:02,229
Maybe even...
783
00:27:02,297 --> 00:27:03,764
deeper than that.
784
00:27:05,867 --> 00:27:07,868
I... I...
785
00:27:07,936 --> 00:27:09,436
I love you.
786
00:27:09,504 --> 00:27:12,139
I mean, not in
like a "Hey, let's, you know,
787
00:27:12,207 --> 00:27:13,774
let's have an underpants party,"
788
00:27:13,842 --> 00:27:16,043
or whatever grownups do when
they're in love, but I mean,
789
00:27:16,111 --> 00:27:20,481
I mean, I love you
as one loves another person
790
00:27:20,549 --> 00:27:22,883
whom one simply
cannot do without.
791
00:27:22,951 --> 00:27:25,152
Well, I....
792
00:27:25,220 --> 00:27:26,887
I love you, too, Stewie.
793
00:27:26,955 --> 00:27:29,623
You give my life purpose.
794
00:27:29,691 --> 00:27:33,227
And maybe, maybe that's enough.
795
00:27:33,295 --> 00:27:35,963
Because that's just about
the greatest gift
796
00:27:36,031 --> 00:27:37,398
one friend can give another.
797
00:27:37,465 --> 00:27:40,167
Thank you.
798
00:27:40,235 --> 00:27:41,836
Hey.
799
00:27:41,903 --> 00:27:43,070
What?
800
00:27:43,138 --> 00:27:44,171
Will you read to me?
801
00:27:44,239 --> 00:27:45,506
Sure.
802
00:27:45,574 --> 00:27:48,342
Wait, wait, wait. I want
to get all snuggled in.
803
00:27:48,410 --> 00:27:49,810
Okay, go.
804
00:27:49,878 --> 00:27:53,147
"Chapter One: I am born.
805
00:27:53,215 --> 00:27:56,050
"Whether I shall turn out
to be the hero of my own life,
806
00:27:56,117 --> 00:27:58,652
"or whether that station
shall be held by anybody else,
807
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,188
"these pages must show.
808
00:28:01,256 --> 00:28:03,824
"To begin my life
with the beginning of my life,
809
00:28:03,892 --> 00:28:07,962
I record that I was born on
a Friday, at 12:00 at night..."
810
00:28:12,100 --> 00:28:14,034
(vault door opening)
811
00:28:31,500 --> 00:28:33,468
We hope you enjoyed
our very special episode.
812
00:28:33,535 --> 00:28:36,037
And for the rest of the hour,
we'd like to treat you
813
00:28:36,105 --> 00:28:37,939
to some of your favorite
Family Guy musical moments.
814
00:28:38,006 --> 00:28:39,640
That's right.
Some you may know,
815
00:28:39,708 --> 00:28:41,843
and others you've never seen
before-- like this first one.
816
00:28:41,910 --> 00:28:43,778
A few years back,
Lois had a visit
817
00:28:43,846 --> 00:28:45,580
from her long-lost
brother, Patrick.
818
00:28:45,647 --> 00:28:47,749
He had an irrational hatred
of fat people
819
00:28:47,816 --> 00:28:49,383
and began strangling them.
820
00:28:49,933 --> 00:28:51,801
Though several of these
hefty men were killed,
821
00:28:51,868 --> 00:28:53,836
Peter and his friends from
the National Association
822
00:28:53,904 --> 00:28:55,638
for the Advancement
of Fat People
823
00:28:55,706 --> 00:28:57,607
never got to mourn for
any of the victims.
824
00:28:57,674 --> 00:28:59,609
Until now.
825
00:28:59,676 --> 00:29:02,878
People, people, I know what
will make us feel better.
826
00:29:02,946 --> 00:29:05,848
Let us sing the NAAFP anthem.
827
00:29:05,916 --> 00:29:09,285
♪ Stand up, all fat men ♪
828
00:29:09,353 --> 00:29:12,388
♪ Stand up straight ♪
829
00:29:12,456 --> 00:29:15,992
♪ Stand up because no chair ♪
830
00:29:16,059 --> 00:29:19,862
♪ Can hold your weight ♪
831
00:29:19,930 --> 00:29:23,599
♪ If God created us ♪
832
00:29:23,667 --> 00:29:27,903
♪ To be so big ♪
833
00:29:27,971 --> 00:29:30,940
♪ That's proof he must be ♪
834
00:29:31,008 --> 00:29:36,045
♪ A big fat pig ♪
835
00:29:36,113 --> 00:29:38,614
♪ God's real flabby ♪
836
00:29:38,682 --> 00:29:42,551
♪ With an ass so wide ♪
837
00:29:42,619 --> 00:29:45,855
♪ His arms look like pillows ♪
838
00:29:45,922 --> 00:29:50,226
♪ With cake mix inside ♪
839
00:29:50,294 --> 00:29:53,963
♪ God's man boobs are flabby ♪
840
00:29:54,031 --> 00:29:59,568
♪ And they hurt when he jogs ♪
841
00:29:59,636 --> 00:30:03,439
♪ And the back of God's neck ♪
842
00:30:03,507 --> 00:30:12,114
♪ Looks like a pack
of hot dogs. ♪
843
00:30:13,650 --> 00:30:15,618
One thing we like
to do at Family Guy
844
00:30:15,686 --> 00:30:17,687
is make fun of pop
culture by twisting it
845
00:30:17,754 --> 00:30:19,155
and mocking it and
commenting on it.
846
00:30:19,222 --> 00:30:20,756
Yeah, and sometimes
we just steal stuff
847
00:30:20,824 --> 00:30:22,325
and put our
characters in it.
848
00:30:22,392 --> 00:30:24,093
Here's a scene
inspired by...
Copied from...
849
00:30:24,161 --> 00:30:26,028
A Jerry Lewis film
entitled The Errand Boy
850
00:30:26,096 --> 00:30:27,963
that was created for
the episode where Peter
851
00:30:28,031 --> 00:30:30,333
takes over Pewterschmidt
Industries.
852
00:30:31,902 --> 00:30:34,303
Peggy, hold my calls
for a few minutes, please.
853
00:30:34,371 --> 00:30:37,206
(jazzy tune plays)
854
00:30:44,681 --> 00:30:48,417
(silently mouthing
to the beat of the music)
855
00:30:58,895 --> 00:31:00,663
♪ ♪
856
00:31:15,245 --> 00:31:17,012
♪ ♪
857
00:31:27,090 --> 00:31:29,992
♪ ♪
858
00:31:41,571 --> 00:31:43,339
♪ ♪
859
00:31:55,919 --> 00:31:57,686
♪ ♪
860
00:32:11,401 --> 00:32:13,169
♪ ♪
861
00:32:25,649 --> 00:32:26,949
(music ends)
862
00:32:29,883 --> 00:32:31,317
Several years back,
Brian made friends
863
00:32:31,385 --> 00:32:33,719
with an elderly woman who had
been homebound for years,
864
00:32:34,514 --> 00:32:36,649
and he attempted to bring her
out of her shell.
865
00:32:36,716 --> 00:32:37,883
Ah, yes. Pearl.
866
00:32:37,951 --> 00:32:39,318
She was a nice woman.
867
00:32:39,386 --> 00:32:41,020
So vibrant, full of life.
868
00:32:41,087 --> 00:32:42,454
We became close friends,
869
00:32:42,522 --> 00:32:44,390
and I sang this song
to explain to her
870
00:32:44,457 --> 00:32:46,392
all the wonderful things
that she was missing
871
00:32:46,459 --> 00:32:47,893
by shutting herself
off from society.
872
00:32:47,961 --> 00:32:49,195
And by the song's end,
873
00:32:49,262 --> 00:32:50,629
she felt the courage
to venture out.
874
00:32:50,697 --> 00:32:53,132
And did she get to see
all those things you sang about?
875
00:32:53,200 --> 00:32:55,201
No. She immediately got
hit by a truck and died.
876
00:32:55,268 --> 00:32:57,570
Ah. Well, then, I'm sure
she's glad she met you.
877
00:32:57,637 --> 00:32:58,971
Here's the musical number
878
00:32:59,039 --> 00:33:01,407
that ended
that poor woman's life.
879
00:33:01,474 --> 00:33:03,108
Come on, Pearl.
880
00:33:03,176 --> 00:33:05,477
There's so much you've
missed in the last 30 years.
881
00:33:05,545 --> 00:33:08,547
In fact, allow me
to fill you in.
882
00:33:08,615 --> 00:33:11,517
♪ The '60s brought
the hippie breed ♪
883
00:33:11,585 --> 00:33:14,653
♪ And decades later,
things have changed indeed ♪
884
00:33:14,721 --> 00:33:17,990
♪ We lost the values,
but we kept the weed ♪
885
00:33:18,058 --> 00:33:21,627
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
886
00:33:21,695 --> 00:33:24,663
♪ The Reagan years
have laid the frame ♪
887
00:33:24,731 --> 00:33:27,566
♪ For movie stars
to play the White House game ♪
888
00:33:27,634 --> 00:33:31,237
♪ We're not too far
from voting Feldman/Haim ♪
889
00:33:31,304 --> 00:33:34,506
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
890
00:33:34,574 --> 00:33:37,543
♪ The town of Vegas
has got a different face ♪
891
00:33:37,611 --> 00:33:40,879
♪ 'Cause it's a family place
with lots to do ♪
892
00:33:40,947 --> 00:33:42,681
♪ Where in the '50s ♪
893
00:33:42,749 --> 00:33:46,085
♪ A man could mingle with scores
of all the seediest whores ♪
894
00:33:46,152 --> 00:33:48,087
♪ Well, now his
children can, too ♪
895
00:33:48,154 --> 00:33:50,990
♪ You heard it from
the canine's mouth ♪
896
00:33:51,057 --> 00:33:52,591
♪ The country's changed ♪
897
00:33:52,659 --> 00:33:54,326
♪ That is, except the South ♪
898
00:33:54,394 --> 00:33:57,229
♪ And you'll agree ♪
899
00:33:57,297 --> 00:34:00,933
♪ No one really knows,
my dear lady friend ♪
900
00:34:01,001 --> 00:34:03,769
♪ Just quite how
it all will end ♪
901
00:34:03,837 --> 00:34:05,104
♪ So hurry ♪
902
00:34:05,171 --> 00:34:10,209
♪ 'Cause you've got
a lot to see ♪
903
00:34:14,581 --> 00:34:17,716
♪ The baldness gene
was cause for dread ♪
904
00:34:17,784 --> 00:34:20,986
♪ But that's a fear
that you can put to bed ♪
905
00:34:21,054 --> 00:34:24,089
♪ They'll shave your ass
and glue it on your head ♪
906
00:34:24,157 --> 00:34:27,626
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
907
00:34:27,694 --> 00:34:31,063
♪ The PC age has moved the bar ♪
908
00:34:31,131 --> 00:34:34,466
♪ A word like redneck
is a step too far ♪
909
00:34:34,534 --> 00:34:37,169
♪ The proper term
is country music star ♪
910
00:34:37,237 --> 00:34:40,472
♪ You've got a lot to see ♪
911
00:34:40,540 --> 00:34:42,074
♪ Our flashy cell phones ♪
912
00:34:42,142 --> 00:34:43,876
♪ Make people mumble,
"Gee whiz" ♪
913
00:34:43,943 --> 00:34:45,511
♪ Look how important he is ♪
914
00:34:45,578 --> 00:34:46,979
♪ His life must rule ♪
915
00:34:47,047 --> 00:34:48,580
♪ You'll get a tumor ♪
916
00:34:48,648 --> 00:34:50,382
♪ But on your surgery day ♪
917
00:34:50,450 --> 00:34:52,318
♪ The doc will see it and say ♪
(phone ringing)
918
00:34:52,385 --> 00:34:53,986
♪ "Wow, you must
really be cool" ♪
919
00:34:54,054 --> 00:34:55,754
(indistinct attering)
920
00:34:57,390 --> 00:34:58,991
There's lots of things
you may have missed.
921
00:34:59,059 --> 00:35:00,659
Like Pee-Wee
and his famous wrist.
922
00:35:00,727 --> 00:35:04,063
Or Sandy Duncan's
creepy, phony eye.
923
00:35:04,130 --> 00:35:05,597
That awesome
Thundercats cartoon.
924
00:35:05,665 --> 00:35:07,199
Neil Armstrong landing
on the moon.
925
00:35:07,267 --> 00:35:09,401
Neil Armstrong--
wait, was he the trumpet guy?
926
00:35:13,707 --> 00:35:17,109
♪ So let's go see the USA ♪
927
00:35:17,177 --> 00:35:20,145
♪ They'll treat you right
unless you're Black or gay ♪
928
00:35:20,213 --> 00:35:23,248
♪ Or Cherokee ♪
929
00:35:23,316 --> 00:35:26,719
♪ But you can forgive the world
and its flaws ♪
930
00:35:26,786 --> 00:35:30,289
♪ And follow me there because ♪
931
00:35:30,357 --> 00:35:37,029
♪ You've still got
a hell of a lot to see ♪
932
00:35:37,097 --> 00:35:46,672
♪ You've got...
a... lot to... see. ♪
933
00:35:46,740 --> 00:35:49,308
Brian, I've
missed so much.
934
00:35:49,376 --> 00:35:51,343
I wouldn't be standing
here right now
935
00:35:51,411 --> 00:35:53,112
if it wasn't for you.
936
00:35:53,179 --> 00:35:55,013
(gasps)
937
00:35:55,081 --> 00:35:57,950
Quahog is a wonderful example
of suburban America--
938
00:35:58,017 --> 00:36:00,419
full of neighbors
who look out for each other
939
00:36:00,487 --> 00:36:01,720
and enjoy spending
time together.
940
00:36:01,788 --> 00:36:03,188
Like a big family.
941
00:36:03,256 --> 00:36:05,891
Up next, we find Peter and Lois
in need of a babysitter,
942
00:36:05,959 --> 00:36:07,693
and their kind, elderly
neighbor, Herbert,
943
00:36:07,761 --> 00:36:08,827
offers to help out.
944
00:36:08,895 --> 00:36:10,162
It's a musical number
945
00:36:10,230 --> 00:36:11,663
that will warm the
cockles of your heart.
946
00:36:11,731 --> 00:36:12,831
Yeah, check it out.
947
00:36:12,899 --> 00:36:15,701
Herbert's got a raging
cockle in this one.
948
00:36:15,769 --> 00:36:17,669
So, it would only be
till Monday,
949
00:36:17,737 --> 00:36:19,671
and we could pay you for it.
950
00:36:19,739 --> 00:36:21,206
Yeah, and it's real easy--
I promise.
951
00:36:21,274 --> 00:36:23,575
I mean, you-you've spent time
watching children, right?
952
00:36:23,643 --> 00:36:25,277
Uh, yes, sir. Yes, I have.
953
00:36:25,345 --> 00:36:26,545
Ah. Wonderful.
954
00:36:26,613 --> 00:36:28,380
You mind stopping by
tomorrow morning?
955
00:36:28,448 --> 00:36:31,016
I'll wear my snazziest duds.
956
00:36:31,084 --> 00:36:32,317
♪ ♪
957
00:36:32,385 --> 00:36:34,686
♪ Got my tweed pressed ♪
958
00:36:34,754 --> 00:36:37,122
♪ Got my best vest ♪
959
00:36:37,190 --> 00:36:41,627
♪ All I need now is the boy ♪
960
00:36:41,694 --> 00:36:43,929
♪ Got my striped tie ♪
961
00:36:43,997 --> 00:36:46,331
♪ Got my hopes high ♪
962
00:36:46,399 --> 00:36:49,268
♪ Got the time and the place
and I got rhythm ♪
963
00:36:49,335 --> 00:36:51,670
♪ Now all I need is Chris
to go with 'em ♪
964
00:36:51,738 --> 00:36:54,306
♪ If he'll just appear ♪
965
00:36:54,374 --> 00:36:57,376
♪ We'll fill this big town ♪
966
00:36:57,444 --> 00:36:59,745
♪ Full of joy ♪
967
00:36:59,813 --> 00:37:02,848
♪ And if he'll say ♪
968
00:37:02,916 --> 00:37:04,917
♪ "My darling, I'm yours,"
I'll throw away ♪
969
00:37:04,984 --> 00:37:09,288
♪ My striped tie
and my best pressed tweed ♪
970
00:37:09,355 --> 00:37:14,159
♪ All I really need
is the boy. ♪
971
00:37:19,261 --> 00:37:21,195
And now we have
a super special treat:
972
00:37:21,263 --> 00:37:23,197
a never-before-aired clip
that may be
973
00:37:23,265 --> 00:37:25,599
the greatest thing
we've ever done.
974
00:37:25,913 --> 00:37:27,914
Featuring the last
known recording
975
00:37:27,981 --> 00:37:29,949
of Michael Jackson,
here is...
976
00:37:30,017 --> 00:37:32,351
Stewie, that number
has been cut.
What? No way!
977
00:37:32,419 --> 00:37:34,487
But it had
the Toy Story 3 sneak peek.
978
00:37:34,555 --> 00:37:36,089
Sorry-- legal said
no to all of it.
979
00:37:36,156 --> 00:37:37,557
Well, that sucks.
980
00:37:37,624 --> 00:37:39,225
What else we got?
"Shipoopi".
981
00:37:39,293 --> 00:37:40,560
Seriously? Again?
982
00:37:40,627 --> 00:37:42,061
Fine.
983
00:37:42,129 --> 00:37:44,097
Here's (bleep) "Shipoopi".
984
00:37:44,164 --> 00:37:47,300
♪ ♪
985
00:37:47,367 --> 00:37:49,068
♪ Now, a woman who'll kiss
on the very first date ♪
986
00:37:49,136 --> 00:37:50,770
♪ Is usually a hussy ♪
987
00:37:50,838 --> 00:37:52,739
♪ And a woman who'll kiss
on the second time out ♪
988
00:37:52,806 --> 00:37:54,407
♪ Is anything but fussy ♪
989
00:37:54,475 --> 00:37:56,476
♪ But a woman who'll wait
till the third time around ♪
990
00:37:56,543 --> 00:37:58,277
♪ Head in the clouds,
feet on the ground ♪
991
00:37:58,345 --> 00:37:59,912
♪ She's the girl
he's glad he's found ♪
992
00:37:59,980 --> 00:38:01,481
♪ She's his shipoopi ♪
993
00:38:01,548 --> 00:38:04,217
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
994
00:38:04,284 --> 00:38:05,818
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
995
00:38:05,886 --> 00:38:08,387
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
996
00:38:08,455 --> 00:38:10,256
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
997
00:38:10,324 --> 00:38:12,258
♪ Walk her once
just to raise the curtain ♪
998
00:38:12,326 --> 00:38:14,127
♪ Walk around twice
and you make for certain ♪
999
00:38:14,194 --> 00:38:15,595
♪ Once more
in the flower garden ♪
1000
00:38:15,662 --> 00:38:17,630
♪ She will never get sore
if you beg her pardon ♪
1001
00:38:19,466 --> 00:38:21,033
♪ Do, re, mi, fa,
so, la, si, do ♪
1002
00:38:21,101 --> 00:38:22,869
♪ Si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do ♪
1003
00:38:22,936 --> 00:38:24,637
♪ Squeeze her once
when she isn't lookin' ♪
1004
00:38:24,705 --> 00:38:26,272
♪ Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cookin' ♪
1005
00:38:26,340 --> 00:38:27,974
♪ Once more for a pepper-upper ♪
1006
00:38:28,041 --> 00:38:30,042
♪ She will never get sore
on the way to supper ♪
1007
00:38:31,912 --> 00:38:34,747
♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la,
si, do, si, do ♪
1008
00:38:34,815 --> 00:38:38,217
♪ Now, little ol' Sal was a
no gal as anyone could see ♪
1009
00:38:38,285 --> 00:38:41,788
♪ Look at her now, she's a
go gal who only goes for me ♪
1010
00:38:41,855 --> 00:38:43,956
♪ Squeeze her once
when she isn't lookin' ♪
1011
00:38:44,024 --> 00:38:45,992
♪ Get a squeeze back,
that's fancy cookin' ♪
1012
00:38:46,059 --> 00:38:47,460
♪ Once more for a pepper-upper ♪
1013
00:38:47,528 --> 00:38:49,495
♪ She will never get sore
on the way to supper ♪
1014
00:38:49,563 --> 00:38:52,498
♪ Do, re, mi, fa, so, la,
si, do, si, do ♪
1015
00:38:52,566 --> 00:38:55,268
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
1016
00:38:55,335 --> 00:38:56,869
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
1017
00:38:56,937 --> 00:38:59,672
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
1018
00:38:59,740 --> 00:39:01,541
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
1019
00:39:20,394 --> 00:39:22,995
No! No!
1020
00:39:28,435 --> 00:39:29,735
(blows whistle)
1021
00:39:46,119 --> 00:39:48,554
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
1022
00:39:48,622 --> 00:39:50,122
♪ The girl who's hard to get ♪
1023
00:39:50,190 --> 00:39:52,859
♪ Shipoopi, shipoopi, shipoopi ♪
1024
00:39:52,926 --> 00:39:54,760
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
1025
00:39:54,828 --> 00:40:01,634
♪ You can win her yet ♪
1026
00:40:01,702 --> 00:40:04,503
♪ Shipoopi! ♪
1027
00:40:04,571 --> 00:40:06,472
You know, when it comes
to road show episodes,
1028
00:40:06,540 --> 00:40:08,341
you and I do most
of the traveling.
1029
00:40:08,408 --> 00:40:10,443
True, but when Peter
found out that his father
1030
00:40:10,510 --> 00:40:12,345
wasn't Francis, the
man who raised him,
1031
00:40:12,412 --> 00:40:15,047
but instead a man in Ireland,
Peter decided to visit.
1032
00:40:15,115 --> 00:40:16,649
And did we explore
the effects
1033
00:40:16,717 --> 00:40:18,885
of the difficult political
and agricultural dynamics
1034
00:40:18,952 --> 00:40:20,686
that have rent Ireland
for centuries?
1035
00:40:20,754 --> 00:40:22,989
No. We just made them a
country of drunken redheads.
1036
00:40:23,056 --> 00:40:25,324
Ah. Groundbreaking.
1037
00:40:25,392 --> 00:40:27,827
You knocked up my mom and
never called her again.
1038
00:40:27,895 --> 00:40:29,128
Yeah. So what?
1039
00:40:29,196 --> 00:40:31,063
So what?
So, let's dance!
1040
00:40:31,131 --> 00:40:33,266
♪ Oh, he doesn't smell
like Irish Spring ♪
1041
00:40:33,333 --> 00:40:35,134
♪ And he never
taught me anything ♪
1042
00:40:35,202 --> 00:40:36,836
♪ But still I
slap my chest ♪
1043
00:40:36,904 --> 00:40:39,205
♪ And sing of my
drunken Irish dad ♪
1044
00:40:39,273 --> 00:40:40,973
♪ Oh, his face looks
like a railroad map ♪
1045
00:40:41,041 --> 00:40:42,608
♪ And he never shuts
his freakin' trap ♪
1046
00:40:42,676 --> 00:40:44,277
♪ But all the ladies
catch the clap ♪
1047
00:40:44,344 --> 00:40:46,078
♪ From your drunken Irish dad ♪
1048
00:40:46,146 --> 00:40:48,014
♪ Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey,
Morrison, Shaughnessy ♪
1049
00:40:48,081 --> 00:40:50,082
♪ Riordan and Rooney,
they'll tell you the same ♪
1050
00:40:50,150 --> 00:40:51,684
♪ McNultey, Mulrooney
and Cotter and Clooney ♪
1051
00:40:51,752 --> 00:40:53,719
♪ All feel the same mixture
of pride and of shame ♪
1052
00:40:53,787 --> 00:40:55,688
♪ Finnegan, Hannigan,
Kelly and Flannigan ♪
1053
00:40:55,756 --> 00:40:57,623
♪ Look to the ground
when their dad passes by ♪
1054
00:40:57,691 --> 00:40:59,191
♪ Cafferty, Rafferty,
Joyce and O'Lafferty ♪
1055
00:40:59,259 --> 00:41:03,396
♪ Fight for his honor
and then start to cry ♪
1056
00:41:19,179 --> 00:41:21,614
♪ Oh, we Irish lads
are all infirm ♪
1057
00:41:21,682 --> 00:41:23,549
♪ And our moods infect us
like a germ ♪
1058
00:41:23,617 --> 00:41:26,919
♪ 'Cause we're all the spawn
of a pickled sperm ♪
1059
00:41:26,987 --> 00:41:28,821
And we don't tan
well, either.
1060
00:41:28,889 --> 00:41:31,757
♪ From our drunken Irish dad. ♪
1061
00:41:31,825 --> 00:41:34,427
Do you remember when Peter
got his own TV station?
1062
00:41:34,494 --> 00:41:35,828
Yeah, and the FCC
censored him.
1063
00:41:35,896 --> 00:41:37,697
We all sang a song
about how they take
1064
00:41:37,764 --> 00:41:39,098
the best parts out
of everything.
1065
00:41:39,166 --> 00:41:41,500
I know, and the worst part
is that after the song aired,
1066
00:41:41,568 --> 00:41:43,469
we heard the FCC people
liked it.
1067
00:41:43,537 --> 00:41:45,204
They liked
the parody of them.
1068
00:41:45,272 --> 00:41:46,672
Doesn't that just suck?
1069
00:41:46,740 --> 00:41:48,107
I mean, like, you know,
like when-when...
1070
00:41:48,175 --> 00:41:50,176
when you make fun of someone
and then they laugh.
1071
00:41:50,243 --> 00:41:52,044
It's like, "No, man.
No, you don't get it.
1072
00:41:52,112 --> 00:41:53,412
The joke is on you."
1073
00:41:53,480 --> 00:41:55,715
And then they're supposed
to be like, "Oh, you got me.
1074
00:41:55,782 --> 00:41:57,350
Oh, now I've got to think
about myself."
1075
00:41:57,417 --> 00:41:59,251
And you're like,
"Yeah. Yeah, you do.
1076
00:41:59,319 --> 00:42:00,753
"Take that.
1077
00:42:00,821 --> 00:42:02,321
And stay out
of our playground."
1078
00:42:02,389 --> 00:42:04,890
But those FCC bozos
liked the song.
1079
00:42:04,958 --> 00:42:06,926
I-I don't know-- it just...
it ruins it for me.
1080
00:42:06,994 --> 00:42:08,160
Anyway, let's take a look.
1081
00:42:08,228 --> 00:42:09,328
Actually, because of
your little rant,
1082
00:42:09,396 --> 00:42:10,629
we don't have time
for that song.
1083
00:42:10,697 --> 00:42:11,931
Really?
1084
00:42:11,999 --> 00:42:13,933
So, what, that means
the show is over?
Yep.
1085
00:42:14,001 --> 00:42:15,768
Oh.
1086
00:42:15,836 --> 00:42:17,403
Okay. Good night.