1 00:00:01,426 --> 00:00:04,594 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,778 --> 00:00:07,780 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,848 --> 00:00:10,983 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,051 --> 00:00:14,387 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,454 --> 00:00:17,557 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,624 --> 00:00:21,494 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,562 --> 00:00:23,095 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,163 --> 00:00:24,430 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,498 --> 00:00:26,465 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:26,533 --> 00:00:29,434 Family Guy 8x19 The Splendid Source Original Air Date on May 16, 2010 11 00:00:29,437 --> 00:00:32,438 -- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com -- 12 00:00:32,506 --> 00:00:33,973 Hi. This is Peter. 13 00:00:34,041 --> 00:00:35,675 Don't get scared that you can hear my voice 14 00:00:35,742 --> 00:00:37,076 but you can't see me. 15 00:00:37,144 --> 00:00:39,211 This is the story of a great adventure 16 00:00:39,279 --> 00:00:41,147 that happened to me and some of my pals. 17 00:00:41,214 --> 00:00:43,249 It all began innocently enough, 18 00:00:43,317 --> 00:00:46,385 with my stupid wife showing me some dumb-ass brochure. 19 00:00:46,453 --> 00:00:49,088 So, here's where we'll all be staying this weekend. 20 00:00:49,156 --> 00:00:50,790 You and I will have one cabin, 21 00:00:50,857 --> 00:00:52,191 and Bonnie and Joe and Quagmire 22 00:00:52,259 --> 00:00:53,459 will have the other two. 23 00:00:53,527 --> 00:00:55,328 Ah, this is going to be so much fun! 24 00:00:56,597 --> 00:00:58,130 Hi, Chris. How was school? 25 00:00:58,198 --> 00:00:59,332 Not good. 26 00:00:59,399 --> 00:01:01,734 I got suspended for saying bad words. 27 00:01:01,802 --> 00:01:03,102 Oh, for God's sake! 28 00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:04,704 My principal wants to meet with you guys. 29 00:01:04,771 --> 00:01:05,871 Should we go? 30 00:01:05,939 --> 00:01:07,173 It sounds like a trap. 31 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,541 Yes, Peter, we should go. 32 00:01:08,609 --> 00:01:10,977 All right, but if it's a trap and we don't come back, 33 00:01:11,044 --> 00:01:12,411 I get to make smart-alecky remarks 34 00:01:12,479 --> 00:01:14,847 when we're tied up back-to-back, like last time. 35 00:01:14,915 --> 00:01:17,750 Any more bright ideas, Professor? 36 00:01:21,054 --> 00:01:23,856 Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the reason Chris was suspended 37 00:01:23,924 --> 00:01:26,692 is that he told a very inappropriate joke in class. 38 00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:27,927 Well, Principal Shepherd, 39 00:01:27,995 --> 00:01:29,895 we promise you it won't happen again. 40 00:01:29,963 --> 00:01:31,797 I don't know where Chris heard the joke, 41 00:01:31,865 --> 00:01:33,766 but I can assure you it wasn't at home. 42 00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:35,001 Was it, Chris? 43 00:01:35,068 --> 00:01:36,702 No. Mr. Quagmire told it to me. 44 00:01:36,770 --> 00:01:38,170 I should have figured. 45 00:01:38,238 --> 00:01:39,839 Was it the one where the blind man 46 00:01:39,906 --> 00:01:42,341 walks by the fish market and says, "Good morning, ladies"? 47 00:01:42,409 --> 00:01:44,210 I told you that one! 48 00:01:44,277 --> 00:01:45,511 You told me that one. 49 00:01:45,579 --> 00:01:46,846 I sure did. 50 00:01:46,913 --> 00:01:48,681 We enjoy each other's company. 51 00:01:52,653 --> 00:01:53,886 Hey, Quagmire. 52 00:01:53,954 --> 00:01:55,554 You know, you got Chris suspended from school 53 00:01:55,622 --> 00:01:56,889 for telling one of your dirty jokes. 54 00:01:56,957 --> 00:01:58,190 Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry. 55 00:01:58,258 --> 00:01:59,725 You want me to talk to him? 56 00:01:59,793 --> 00:02:00,826 Well, no, actually, I... 57 00:02:00,894 --> 00:02:02,294 I want you to tell me the joke. 58 00:02:02,362 --> 00:02:03,562 Yeah, tell us the joke. 59 00:02:03,630 --> 00:02:05,064 You want to hear it? All right. 60 00:02:05,132 --> 00:02:07,166 So, this chick meets a guy at a bar, and... 61 00:02:10,604 --> 00:02:12,905 P.S. Your vagina's in the sink. 62 00:02:15,842 --> 00:02:17,743 Oh, God, I pooped my pants. 63 00:02:17,811 --> 00:02:20,713 It's funny when it happens to other people. 64 00:02:23,116 --> 00:02:25,785 Yuck. That's the end of those underwears. 65 00:02:25,852 --> 00:02:27,953 I didn't know what to do, so I took them off 66 00:02:28,021 --> 00:02:30,156 and hummed them at the wall, and they started sliding down 67 00:02:30,223 --> 00:02:31,190 like one of them sticky octopuses. 68 00:02:31,258 --> 00:02:32,358 Well, it's a pretty funny joke, 69 00:02:32,426 --> 00:02:33,559 you know, when you think about it. 70 00:02:33,627 --> 00:02:34,894 "Your vagina's in the sink." 71 00:02:34,961 --> 00:02:36,662 Damn it! 72 00:02:38,031 --> 00:02:40,399 Wow. He poops every time he hears that joke. 73 00:02:40,467 --> 00:02:41,767 Yeah. 74 00:02:41,835 --> 00:02:43,703 He does, doesn't he? 75 00:02:49,242 --> 00:02:50,676 Get out of here, Quagmire! 76 00:02:50,744 --> 00:02:52,478 I just put on clean pants! 77 00:02:55,315 --> 00:02:57,249 Who's texting me? 78 00:02:57,317 --> 00:02:59,051 Damn it! 79 00:03:01,722 --> 00:03:02,988 Stop it, you guys! 80 00:03:03,056 --> 00:03:04,724 You're ruining all my clothes! 81 00:03:11,898 --> 00:03:13,966 Okay, Quagmire, he's asleep. 82 00:03:28,982 --> 00:03:30,015 Peter! 83 00:03:30,083 --> 00:03:31,684 You just pooped all over the bed! 84 00:03:31,752 --> 00:03:35,821 When you poop in your dreams, you poop for real. 85 00:03:39,926 --> 00:03:41,727 Hello, fellas. 86 00:03:41,795 --> 00:03:43,462 Hey, Pete... Hey, those are my pants. 87 00:03:43,530 --> 00:03:44,730 That's right. Thought I'd come by 88 00:03:44,798 --> 00:03:46,465 and see if you have any jokes to tell. 89 00:03:46,533 --> 00:03:47,833 I enjoy a joke. 90 00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:49,168 I don't know. 91 00:03:49,236 --> 00:03:51,270 I want to tell the joke, but I like those pants. 92 00:03:51,338 --> 00:03:52,471 I'll tell the joke. 93 00:03:52,539 --> 00:03:53,806 Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus. 94 00:03:53,874 --> 00:03:55,040 Joe, don't you dare. 95 00:03:55,108 --> 00:03:56,242 I'll push you straight into traffic. 96 00:03:56,309 --> 00:03:57,409 Peter, you win. 97 00:03:57,477 --> 00:03:59,078 All right, I won't tell the joke anymore. 98 00:03:59,146 --> 00:04:00,579 You know, I-I got to admit, Quagmire, 99 00:04:00,647 --> 00:04:01,947 despite all the problems, 100 00:04:02,015 --> 00:04:03,382 that joke is freaking hilarious. 101 00:04:03,450 --> 00:04:05,317 Where'd you hear it? Bruce told it to me. 102 00:04:05,385 --> 00:04:06,619 No way Bruce came up with that. 103 00:04:06,686 --> 00:04:07,853 Where'd he hear it? 104 00:04:07,921 --> 00:04:09,221 I don't know- probably just around. 105 00:04:09,289 --> 00:04:11,690 I mean, where does any dirty joke come from? 106 00:04:11,758 --> 00:04:12,925 Hey, you know, Joe is right. 107 00:04:12,993 --> 00:04:14,093 There's a million of them. 108 00:04:14,161 --> 00:04:15,561 They got to be coming from somewhere. 109 00:04:15,629 --> 00:04:17,530 I mean, somebody's got to be making these things up. 110 00:04:17,597 --> 00:04:18,931 Well, who? I don't know. 111 00:04:18,999 --> 00:04:21,066 But haven't you ever wanted to find out? 112 00:04:21,134 --> 00:04:23,502 Well, yeah, but how would anyone do that? 113 00:04:23,570 --> 00:04:24,870 A quest, Joe. 114 00:04:24,938 --> 00:04:26,806 We go on a quest to find the source 115 00:04:26,873 --> 00:04:28,174 of the world's dirty jokes. 116 00:04:28,241 --> 00:04:29,408 Who's with me? 117 00:04:29,476 --> 00:04:30,442 Well, I'm with you. 118 00:04:30,510 --> 00:04:31,777 Oh, what the hell? So am I. 119 00:04:33,180 --> 00:04:34,713 And so began our journey 120 00:04:34,781 --> 00:04:36,415 to find the splendid source 121 00:04:36,483 --> 00:04:38,250 of off-color humor as we know it. 122 00:04:38,318 --> 00:04:40,820 Our first stop was to see Bruce. 123 00:04:40,887 --> 00:04:42,087 Oh, hey. 124 00:04:42,155 --> 00:04:43,522 What size shoes is y'alls? 125 00:04:43,590 --> 00:04:44,890 Actually, we're not here to bowl. 126 00:04:44,958 --> 00:04:46,192 We were wondering where you heard 127 00:04:46,259 --> 00:04:47,860 that dirty joke you told Quagmire. 128 00:04:47,928 --> 00:04:49,728 Oh, that one? Oh, no. 129 00:04:49,796 --> 00:04:52,164 I'm not going to tell y'all that one here at the workplace. 130 00:04:52,232 --> 00:04:53,399 Too dirty. 131 00:04:53,466 --> 00:04:54,767 Maybe after quitting time, 132 00:04:54,835 --> 00:04:56,735 I'll have a mimosa and tell y'all then. 133 00:04:56,803 --> 00:04:59,338 Look, you blade, just tell us who you heard it from. 134 00:04:59,406 --> 00:05:01,907 It turned out the joke already had quite a history. 135 00:05:01,975 --> 00:05:03,642 Bruce had heard it from Consuela. 136 00:05:03,710 --> 00:05:05,244 Consuela heard it from Mayor West. 137 00:05:05,312 --> 00:05:06,712 West heard it from Dr. Hartman. 138 00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:08,380 Hartman heard it from Angela, 139 00:05:08,448 --> 00:05:10,583 Angela from Opie, Opie from Herbert. 140 00:05:10,650 --> 00:05:12,051 Herbert heard it from Tom Tucker. 141 00:05:12,118 --> 00:05:13,786 Tucker heard it from Bender on Futurama, 142 00:05:13,854 --> 00:05:15,321 oddly enough, for some reason. 143 00:05:15,388 --> 00:05:16,622 Bender heard it from Al Harrington, 144 00:05:16,690 --> 00:05:18,557 Harrington from REO Speedwagon. 145 00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:21,894 ♪ Heard it from a friend who ♪ 146 00:05:21,962 --> 00:05:24,530 ♪ Heard it from a friend who ♪ 147 00:05:24,598 --> 00:05:26,599 ♪ Heard it from another... ♪ 148 00:05:26,666 --> 00:05:28,667 REO Speedwagon saved us several stops, 149 00:05:28,735 --> 00:05:31,537 as they, too, had backtracked the joke to some extent. 150 00:05:31,605 --> 00:05:33,038 But when their trail had led 151 00:05:33,106 --> 00:05:34,840 to a bartender in Virginia, they had given up, 152 00:05:34,908 --> 00:05:36,976 much the way the world had given up on them. 153 00:05:37,043 --> 00:05:39,211 In fact, just to kick them a couple extra bucks, 154 00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:41,247 here's five seconds of "Time for Me to Fly." 155 00:05:41,314 --> 00:05:42,481 No, don't! 156 00:05:42,549 --> 00:05:44,149 All the money goes to my bitch ex-wife! 157 00:05:44,217 --> 00:05:45,718 Can you play our song? 158 00:05:45,785 --> 00:05:47,720 Okay, lead singer from Asia. 159 00:05:47,787 --> 00:05:51,891 ♪ Now, sure as the sun will cross the sky ♪ 160 00:05:51,958 --> 00:05:55,261 ♪ This lie is over... ♪ 161 00:05:58,598 --> 00:06:00,666 We can't go to Virginia, Peter. 162 00:06:00,734 --> 00:06:03,035 Bonnie and Lois planned that couples weekend to Maine. 163 00:06:03,103 --> 00:06:05,037 We're supposed to leave in the morning. 164 00:06:05,105 --> 00:06:06,472 Yeah, Peter, we've looked long enough. 165 00:06:06,539 --> 00:06:08,274 Maybe the joke doesn't have a source. 166 00:06:08,341 --> 00:06:10,242 Don't be stupid. Somebody had to have made it up. 167 00:06:10,310 --> 00:06:11,710 And we're going to find out who. 168 00:06:11,778 --> 00:06:13,212 Besides, this will be way more fun 169 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,047 than hanging out in Maine with the wives, 170 00:06:15,115 --> 00:06:16,482 sitting around a campfire, 171 00:06:16,549 --> 00:06:18,651 listening to Lois tell grocery stories. 172 00:06:18,718 --> 00:06:21,754 "Oh, Peter, you should have been there. 173 00:06:21,821 --> 00:06:24,556 "Uncle Ben's converted brown rice was on sale. 174 00:06:24,624 --> 00:06:28,093 They marked it down from $12 to... to three..." 175 00:06:28,161 --> 00:06:30,496 Whatever-- I don't know how much rice is, 176 00:06:30,563 --> 00:06:31,864 but you know what I'm saying. 177 00:06:38,405 --> 00:06:40,406 Okay, Peter, I've got the directions. 178 00:06:40,473 --> 00:06:42,174 Head north on the turnpike. 179 00:06:42,242 --> 00:06:44,143 That's going to be the quickest route to Maine. 180 00:06:44,210 --> 00:06:45,377 Sure, Lois. 181 00:06:49,382 --> 00:06:51,884 Say, ladies, I was wondering if you could tell me-- 182 00:06:51,952 --> 00:06:53,585 what was childbirth like? 183 00:06:53,653 --> 00:06:55,988 Oh, Glenn, you have no idea. 184 00:06:56,056 --> 00:06:58,324 It's something no man could understand. 185 00:06:58,391 --> 00:07:01,994 Think of the most intense pain you've ever felt, 186 00:07:02,062 --> 00:07:04,897 and imagine feeling that for hours. 187 00:07:04,965 --> 00:07:06,498 Well, and then, by the eighth month, 188 00:07:06,566 --> 00:07:09,234 I had hemorrhoids that hung like bunches of grapes. 189 00:07:09,302 --> 00:07:12,705 And then, they said I was four centimeters dilated. 190 00:07:12,772 --> 00:07:14,673 They didn't think I was far enough, but I was like, 191 00:07:14,741 --> 00:07:17,676 "I can tell you I'm far enough. " 192 00:07:17,744 --> 00:07:20,212 And that's when Chris was born. 193 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,047 Gosh, that's all so fascinating. 194 00:07:22,115 --> 00:07:23,582 Let me ask you something else. 195 00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:25,951 Have you girls ever worked in an office with other women 196 00:07:26,019 --> 00:07:27,920 who you have negative things to say about? 197 00:07:27,988 --> 00:07:29,254 Oh, God, yes. Oh, my God. 198 00:07:29,322 --> 00:07:30,522 Quagmire, shut up. We're here. 199 00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,400 You drove us to Virginia?! 200 00:07:34,489 --> 00:07:36,257 All right, look, we're sorry we deceived you girls, 201 00:07:36,324 --> 00:07:37,658 but this is important. 202 00:07:37,726 --> 00:07:40,527 The trail leads to a bartender who works here. 203 00:07:40,595 --> 00:07:42,963 He could be the source of the dirty joke. 204 00:07:49,738 --> 00:07:52,439 Hi, there. What can I do for you gentlemen? 205 00:07:52,507 --> 00:07:54,074 We've traveled a very long way 206 00:07:54,142 --> 00:07:55,943 to find out where you heard this joke. 207 00:07:56,011 --> 00:07:58,279 Oh... 208 00:07:58,346 --> 00:07:59,980 I remember that. 209 00:08:00,048 --> 00:08:01,749 I heard it from that guy. 210 00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:04,785 Cleveland?! 211 00:08:04,853 --> 00:08:06,120 Hey, fellas. 212 00:08:06,187 --> 00:08:07,421 Holy crap! 213 00:08:07,489 --> 00:08:09,089 Who knew we'd run into you here? 214 00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:11,392 Except everyone, if Fox ruined it in the promos. 215 00:08:11,459 --> 00:08:13,294 What a surprise this is. 216 00:08:17,766 --> 00:08:20,467 Donna, it's so nice of you to invite us to stay here. 217 00:08:20,535 --> 00:08:22,102 Oh, Lois, it's my pleasure. 218 00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:24,738 I don't think we've seen you folks since the wedding. 219 00:08:24,806 --> 00:08:26,273 Still waiting on that gift. 220 00:08:26,341 --> 00:08:28,742 The gift was the show. 221 00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:30,477 Uh, she doesn't know what she's talking about. 222 00:08:30,545 --> 00:08:32,579 It's great to have you-all down here. 223 00:08:32,647 --> 00:08:33,947 Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide 224 00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:35,015 the markers from your kids. 225 00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:36,550 Somebody colored in your Jesus. 226 00:08:36,618 --> 00:08:39,687 Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat-ass. 227 00:08:39,754 --> 00:08:41,288 All right, Cleveland, let's get down to business. 228 00:08:41,356 --> 00:08:42,756 Who told you the joke? 229 00:08:42,824 --> 00:08:46,193 A bellhop at the Royale Hotel in Washington, DC. 230 00:08:46,261 --> 00:08:48,329 I met him when I took Cleveland Jr. there 231 00:08:48,396 --> 00:08:50,164 to see the Lincoln Memorial. 232 00:08:50,231 --> 00:08:53,133 But then Daddy got frustrated 'cause he couldn't find it, 233 00:08:53,201 --> 00:08:55,402 so we just ate fast food in the parking lot. 234 00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:57,838 I'm just saying, maybe put up a damn sign. 235 00:08:57,906 --> 00:09:00,607 Anyway, the bellhop's name is Sal Russo. 236 00:09:00,675 --> 00:09:03,243 He knows every dirty joke ever written. 237 00:09:03,311 --> 00:09:05,212 Then that's the guy we got to talk to. 238 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,748 Everyone, don't get too used to being around black people, 239 00:09:07,816 --> 00:09:10,084 'cause we are going to Washington, DC. 240 00:09:10,151 --> 00:09:11,685 Now, wait a minute, Peter. 241 00:09:11,753 --> 00:09:14,221 Donna's been nice enough to invite us to stay the weekend, 242 00:09:14,289 --> 00:09:15,789 and frankly, that sounds better 243 00:09:15,857 --> 00:09:17,624 than continuing this wild-goose chase. 244 00:09:17,692 --> 00:09:19,993 Well, Lois, if you and Bonnie want to stay here, 245 00:09:20,061 --> 00:09:21,795 maybe Cleveland could join us. 246 00:09:21,863 --> 00:09:23,197 Yeah, it'd be just like old times. 247 00:09:23,264 --> 00:09:24,598 What do you say, Cleveland? 248 00:09:24,666 --> 00:09:25,866 Oh, I don't know. 249 00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:27,401 I've kind of got my own life now. 250 00:09:27,469 --> 00:09:29,636 All right, well, if you have a sudden change of heart 251 00:09:29,704 --> 00:09:31,438 and you want to chase us down the street 252 00:09:31,506 --> 00:09:33,540 as we're pulling away, you know where to find us. 253 00:09:46,788 --> 00:09:48,188 Okay, guys, I got one. 254 00:09:48,256 --> 00:09:51,325 Would you rather get a massage from a man 255 00:09:51,393 --> 00:09:53,894 or surgery from a female doctor? 256 00:09:53,962 --> 00:09:54,862 Wow. 257 00:09:54,929 --> 00:09:56,230 Like, minor surgery? 258 00:09:56,297 --> 00:09:57,564 No, serious surgery. 259 00:09:57,632 --> 00:09:58,866 Like a blown kidney or something. 260 00:09:58,933 --> 00:09:59,900 Geez. 261 00:09:59,968 --> 00:10:01,402 Good question, Peter. 262 00:10:01,469 --> 00:10:02,636 Is the man gay? No. 263 00:10:02,704 --> 00:10:04,938 Is the female doctor at least Jewish or Asian? 264 00:10:05,006 --> 00:10:06,240 No, but, actually, you know what? 265 00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:07,908 I'm going to take it up a notch. 266 00:10:07,976 --> 00:10:10,310 Hispanic female doctor or gay male masseuse? 267 00:10:10,378 --> 00:10:12,112 Hispanic from Spain? 268 00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:13,547 No. 269 00:10:13,615 --> 00:10:14,915 Ah. Ah. Ah. 270 00:10:14,983 --> 00:10:16,383 So, it's basically- would you rather 271 00:10:16,451 --> 00:10:18,585 get a massage from a gay man or die? 272 00:10:18,653 --> 00:10:19,820 All right, I got another one. 273 00:10:19,888 --> 00:10:21,688 Let Amy Winehouse spit in your mouth 274 00:10:21,756 --> 00:10:24,291 or eat a raw slice of Anderson Cooper's ass? 275 00:10:24,359 --> 00:10:26,326 Sign me up for Cooper. 276 00:10:26,394 --> 00:10:28,829 What the hell? 277 00:10:42,177 --> 00:10:43,277 What the hell was that about? 278 00:10:43,344 --> 00:10:44,411 Who were those guys? 279 00:10:44,479 --> 00:10:46,146 I don't know, but I'll tell you this-- 280 00:10:46,214 --> 00:10:48,916 I saw one of them back in the bar in Stoolbend. 281 00:10:48,983 --> 00:10:50,451 You think they wereollowing us? 282 00:10:50,518 --> 00:10:53,253 Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield. 283 00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:54,888 Ah, Joe, that's so dumb. 284 00:10:54,956 --> 00:10:56,723 Why would anybody be trying to kill us? 285 00:10:56,791 --> 00:10:59,893 It might be safe to assume that someone does not want us 286 00:10:59,961 --> 00:11:02,229 to learn the origin of that joke. 287 00:11:02,297 --> 00:11:05,232 We had no idea how right Cleveland was. 288 00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:07,935 And if we had known what lay ahead, 289 00:11:08,002 --> 00:11:09,470 we would've stopped right there 290 00:11:09,537 --> 00:11:10,904 and gone straight back to Quahog. 291 00:11:10,972 --> 00:11:12,339 But we didn't know. 292 00:11:12,407 --> 00:11:13,607 We didn't know. 293 00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:21,381 There it is-- Washington, DC, 294 00:11:21,449 --> 00:11:22,816 the seat of government 295 00:11:22,884 --> 00:11:24,952 for the world's former most powerful nation. 296 00:11:25,019 --> 00:11:27,588 Wow, those are all the monuments I read about in school. 297 00:11:27,655 --> 00:11:28,922 There's the Washington Monument. 298 00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:33,260 There's the Obama Monument. 299 00:11:33,328 --> 00:11:35,362 And there's the Vietnam War Memorial. 300 00:11:35,430 --> 00:11:37,464 Yeah, check out that Vietnamese guy giving the business 301 00:11:37,532 --> 00:11:38,799 to those Vietnam Vets. 302 00:11:38,867 --> 00:11:41,935 Scoreboard! Scoreboard! 303 00:11:42,003 --> 00:11:43,637 Aw, what happened to your friend?! 304 00:11:43,705 --> 00:11:45,172 Hey, I know that guy! 305 00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:46,273 I kill him! 306 00:11:46,341 --> 00:11:47,508 He cry like a bitch! 307 00:11:47,575 --> 00:11:50,010 Vietnam, undefeated! 308 00:11:54,883 --> 00:11:56,817 All right, this is the hotel 309 00:11:56,885 --> 00:11:58,385 where the bellhop works. 310 00:12:04,225 --> 00:12:06,960 Hey, there he is. Sal! 311 00:12:07,028 --> 00:12:08,428 Well, hey, Cleveland! 312 00:12:08,496 --> 00:12:09,930 What are you doin' here? 313 00:12:09,998 --> 00:12:11,365 I was wondering 314 00:12:11,432 --> 00:12:13,867 if my friends and I could ask you a few questions. 315 00:12:13,935 --> 00:12:16,303 Yeah, where'd you hear that dirty joke you told Cleveland? 316 00:12:16,371 --> 00:12:17,871 That's none of your business! 317 00:12:17,939 --> 00:12:18,939 Leave me alone! 318 00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:21,041 Don't let him get away! 319 00:12:28,349 --> 00:12:29,383 Hop on! 320 00:12:38,493 --> 00:12:40,160 Where did he go?! 321 00:12:40,228 --> 00:12:42,596 I think he went that way, past the Reflecting Pool! 322 00:12:44,866 --> 00:12:46,567 Damn! He's nowhere in sight. 323 00:12:46,634 --> 00:12:48,835 I'll ask these fellas. Maybe they've seen him. 324 00:12:48,903 --> 00:12:50,504 Excuse me, have you seen...? 325 00:12:50,572 --> 00:12:52,573 H-H-Hold on a second. I'm trying... 326 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,675 Hold on a sec. Hey, pal, stop talking 327 00:12:54,742 --> 00:12:55,943 while I'm talking, all right? 328 00:12:56,010 --> 00:12:57,544 You want a sandwich full'a knuckles? Do ya? 329 00:12:57,612 --> 00:12:58,645 All right, that's it. 330 00:12:58,713 --> 00:12:59,580 Cleveland, you take Cleveland. 331 00:12:59,647 --> 00:13:00,714 Joe, you take Joe. 332 00:13:00,782 --> 00:13:01,982 Quagmire, you take Quagmire 333 00:13:02,050 --> 00:13:03,884 and I'll get Fatty McLoudmouth. 334 00:13:08,957 --> 00:13:11,091 It's no use, Peter. 335 00:13:11,159 --> 00:13:12,593 We've lost him. 336 00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:14,561 Our journey had abruptly ended, 337 00:13:14,629 --> 00:13:16,163 and the trail had gone cold. 338 00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:20,167 Well, I guess 339 00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,269 we're never gonna find the source of that joke. 340 00:13:22,337 --> 00:13:23,770 I guess there's nothing to do now 341 00:13:23,838 --> 00:13:25,238 but head back home. 342 00:13:25,306 --> 00:13:26,373 Stop right where you are! 343 00:13:27,108 --> 00:13:27,941 Down on the ground! 344 00:13:29,944 --> 00:13:32,012 We were all terrified that this would prove 345 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,414 to be an unexpected end to our journey. 346 00:13:34,482 --> 00:13:38,118 But little did we know, our journey was far from over. 347 00:13:40,788 --> 00:13:41,655 Aah! Aah! 348 00:13:41,723 --> 00:13:42,689 Ooh! Oh! 349 00:13:45,093 --> 00:13:46,827 All right, did you get the parking validated? 350 00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:48,128 Ugh! No. 351 00:13:48,196 --> 00:13:49,863 That was the whole reason we walked 352 00:13:49,893 --> 00:13:50,931 through Crate & Barrel. 353 00:13:54,451 --> 00:13:57,087 We'd been captured, tied up and kidnapped. 354 00:13:57,242 --> 00:13:58,976 And as if that weren't bad enough, 355 00:13:59,044 --> 00:14:00,678 we found ourselves on a plane, 356 00:14:00,745 --> 00:14:02,112 headed to an unknown destination. 357 00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:03,914 Where the hell are they takin' us? 358 00:14:03,982 --> 00:14:06,316 I don't know, but I got a bad feeling. 359 00:14:08,019 --> 00:14:09,720 Every plane. 360 00:14:09,788 --> 00:14:11,822 Every plane there's gotta be a crying baby 361 00:14:11,890 --> 00:14:13,624 and a mother ignoring it. 362 00:14:13,692 --> 00:14:17,461 Yes, he's crying. Babies cry. 363 00:14:17,529 --> 00:14:19,963 After flying for what seemed like hours, 364 00:14:20,031 --> 00:14:22,599 we found ourselves approaching a strange island 365 00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:24,101 on the horizon. 366 00:15:05,777 --> 00:15:07,611 What the hell is this place? 367 00:15:07,679 --> 00:15:10,247 It is that which you have been seeking, gentlemen. 368 00:15:10,315 --> 00:15:11,248 Who are you? 369 00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:12,750 I am the dean. 370 00:15:12,817 --> 00:15:14,118 The dean of what? 371 00:15:14,185 --> 00:15:17,521 The Dean of the Secret Order of Dirty Joke Writers. 372 00:15:22,494 --> 00:15:24,361 Wow. 373 00:15:24,429 --> 00:15:26,430 So these are the people who write 374 00:15:26,498 --> 00:15:28,165 all the world's dirty jokes? 375 00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:29,600 Indeed they are. 376 00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:31,235 Hey, isn't that Stephen Hawking? 377 00:15:31,302 --> 00:15:33,537 So the housewife tells the plumber, 378 00:15:33,605 --> 00:15:36,140 "Okay, you cleed my pipes, 379 00:15:36,207 --> 00:15:39,510 now get to work on that sink." 380 00:15:41,913 --> 00:15:43,213 And there's Bill Gates. 381 00:15:43,281 --> 00:15:44,648 Is there some joke area 382 00:15:44,716 --> 00:15:46,350 of a beaver eating a woodpecker? 383 00:15:46,417 --> 00:15:48,185 Is that something... ? Would that work? 384 00:15:48,253 --> 00:15:51,255 Wow. These are some of the world's smartest people. 385 00:15:51,322 --> 00:15:52,422 Not a lot of women. 386 00:15:52,490 --> 00:15:54,892 Yeah, not a lot of women. 387 00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:56,693 What are they all doing here? 388 00:15:56,761 --> 00:15:59,029 Well, many of the world's greatest geniuses 389 00:15:59,097 --> 00:16:00,798 secretly devote themselves 390 00:16:00,865 --> 00:16:03,200 to coming up with the world's dirtiest jokes. 391 00:16:03,268 --> 00:16:05,435 Oh, it's been that way for centuries. 392 00:16:05,503 --> 00:16:07,104 Great men such as Ben Franklin, 393 00:16:07,172 --> 00:16:10,307 Charles Dickens, Albert Einstein. 394 00:16:10,375 --> 00:16:11,508 Shakespeare, of course. 395 00:16:11,576 --> 00:16:13,343 I got a spear you can shake. 396 00:16:13,411 --> 00:16:15,746 Ha! There you go, put that in one of your jokes. 397 00:16:15,814 --> 00:16:17,948 Let me show you around. 398 00:16:19,417 --> 00:16:20,784 From this room, 399 00:16:20,852 --> 00:16:23,620 we can see the entire world's joke supply. 400 00:16:23,688 --> 00:16:27,024 This way we can tailor jokes to where the need is greatest. 401 00:16:27,091 --> 00:16:29,459 Sir, we have a Best Man giving a toast at a wedding, 402 00:16:29,527 --> 00:16:30,527 and he is just bombing. 403 00:16:30,595 --> 00:16:31,662 Put it up on the screen. 404 00:16:32,664 --> 00:16:35,499 Jim's... Jim's so clumsy, 405 00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:38,902 it's like he's got two left feet and left hands. 406 00:16:40,572 --> 00:16:42,940 Permission to go to the "bride is a whore" file, sir. 407 00:16:43,007 --> 00:16:44,007 Permission granted. 408 00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:47,644 Anyway, if Sheila was a road sign, 409 00:16:47,712 --> 00:16:49,680 it would read "Open Trench." 410 00:16:57,021 --> 00:17:00,390 Well, gentlemen, I hope you've enjoyed 411 00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:01,725 the tour of our facility. 412 00:17:01,793 --> 00:17:03,093 This was amazing! 413 00:17:03,161 --> 00:17:04,461 Guys, we did it! 414 00:17:04,529 --> 00:17:07,231 We found the source of the world's dirty jokes! 415 00:17:07,298 --> 00:17:10,033 I can't wait to tell all the guys back at the Clam! 416 00:17:10,101 --> 00:17:12,970 Oh, I'm afraid that's quite impossible. 417 00:17:13,037 --> 00:17:14,905 What do you mean? 418 00:17:14,973 --> 00:17:16,874 Well, you've seen our secret island. 419 00:17:16,941 --> 00:17:19,676 You know about our network of joke distribution agents, 420 00:17:19,744 --> 00:17:21,144 like the bellhop. 421 00:17:21,212 --> 00:17:23,714 We can't allow the secret to be revealed. 422 00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:27,084 I'm afraid you must stay here for the rest of your lives. 423 00:17:39,797 --> 00:17:41,665 What are we gonna do now? 424 00:17:41,733 --> 00:17:43,867 We gotta come up with an escape plan. 425 00:17:46,504 --> 00:17:50,007 Hey, guys, I can see the plane that brought us here! 426 00:17:50,074 --> 00:17:52,609 If we can figure out a way to get to it, I can fly us home! 427 00:17:52,677 --> 00:17:53,844 I got an idea. 428 00:17:53,912 --> 00:17:55,512 One of us should pretend we're hurt, 429 00:17:55,580 --> 00:17:57,781 and when the guards come in to give him medical attention, 430 00:17:57,849 --> 00:17:58,882 we'll jump 'em! 431 00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,083 That's perfect, Joe. 432 00:18:00,151 --> 00:18:01,785 Hey, Cleveland, you got a pencil on you? 433 00:18:01,853 --> 00:18:02,786 Oh, gosh, I don't know. 434 00:18:02,854 --> 00:18:04,021 Oh, wait, here you go. 435 00:18:04,088 --> 00:18:05,022 Thanks. 436 00:18:05,089 --> 00:18:06,256 Aah! What the hell?! 437 00:18:06,324 --> 00:18:07,658 Hey, help, help! 438 00:18:07,725 --> 00:18:09,026 We have an emergency! 439 00:18:09,093 --> 00:18:10,060 You dick! 440 00:18:10,128 --> 00:18:11,194 What's going on in here?! 441 00:18:11,262 --> 00:18:12,596 This man has been injured! 442 00:18:12,664 --> 00:18:14,031 He needs medical attention! 443 00:18:17,735 --> 00:18:18,936 Come on. Let's get outta here! 444 00:18:24,776 --> 00:18:28,078 All right, let's hurry up and find a way out! 445 00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:37,287 Well, well, 446 00:18:37,355 --> 00:18:40,390 it's quite clear the four of you are going to be a problem. 447 00:18:40,458 --> 00:18:42,392 Kill them. 448 00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:47,030 My God, I've done it! 449 00:18:47,098 --> 00:18:49,800 After 80 years of work and research, 450 00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:51,935 I have written the greatest dirty joke 451 00:18:52,003 --> 00:18:54,037 in the history of mankind! 452 00:19:05,950 --> 00:19:07,918 Give me that! Not on your life! 453 00:19:07,986 --> 00:19:11,321 Take one step closer and the paper gets it. 454 00:19:11,389 --> 00:19:14,124 Drop your guns! Do as he says! 455 00:19:23,468 --> 00:19:24,568 Put it out! 456 00:19:24,635 --> 00:19:25,635 Put it out! 457 00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:28,505 Oh, my God! 458 00:19:28,573 --> 00:19:31,775 It's heading for the first dead baby joke ever written! 459 00:20:08,012 --> 00:20:10,847 Look what we did. 460 00:20:10,915 --> 00:20:13,383 We destroyed a place that brought joy 461 00:20:13,451 --> 00:20:15,786 and laughter to the entire world. 462 00:20:15,853 --> 00:20:17,721 Is that the end of all dirty jokes? 463 00:20:17,789 --> 00:20:19,289 Well, maybe it is. 464 00:20:19,357 --> 00:20:22,092 But Peter's got the best one ever written right there. 465 00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,727 Read it, Peter. 466 00:20:23,795 --> 00:20:24,795 "Guess what? 467 00:20:24,862 --> 00:20:26,630 Chicken butt." 468 00:20:26,697 --> 00:20:28,432 That's it? That's the joke? 469 00:20:28,499 --> 00:20:30,400 No, this is the joke! 470 00:20:31,602 --> 00:20:32,969 Now take me back to Virginia, 471 00:20:33,037 --> 00:20:34,638 so I can put some Bacitracin on this 472 00:20:34,705 --> 00:20:36,206 and pork my wife! 473 00:20:44,715 --> 00:20:47,150 It was a great adventure. 474 00:20:47,218 --> 00:20:49,486 And it was great having Cleveland along with us again. 475 00:20:49,554 --> 00:20:51,121 He hasn't changed a bit. 476 00:20:51,189 --> 00:20:52,589 Didn't grab one check. 477 00:20:52,657 --> 00:20:54,491 Anyway, that's our story 478 00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:56,626 about the splendid source of all dirty jokes. 479 00:20:56,694 --> 00:20:58,695 For those of you who stuck around till the end, 480 00:20:58,763 --> 00:21:00,363 you deserve a reward. 481 00:21:00,431 --> 00:21:02,833 So here's some footage of an ape scratching himself. 482 00:21:04,735 --> 00:21:06,803 See, the March of Dimes wanted this air time 483 00:21:06,871 --> 00:21:08,839 to talk about cancer kids or somethin', 484 00:21:08,906 --> 00:21:11,074 but I was like, "No way! Monkey scratch!" 485 00:21:12,947 --> 00:21:16,881 -- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --