1
00:00:02,051 --> 00:00:05,605
{\fade(800,500)}Season 8 - Episode 16
April In Quahog
2
00:00:06,322 --> 00:00:10,175
{\fade(800,500)}=[ Giggity Team ]=
Guéj1, JOJO13
3
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:13,637
{\fade(800,500)}www.seriessub.com
www.u-sub.net
4
00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:37,128
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
5
00:00:37,211 --> 00:00:41,303
Our top story tonight, scientist at NASA
have made a fascinating new discovery :
6
00:00:41,386 --> 00:00:44,282
the first directly observable instance
of a black hole,
7
00:00:44,365 --> 00:00:47,109
which appears to be located
just outside our solar system.
8
00:00:47,192 --> 00:00:48,882
Tricia Takanawa has the story.
9
00:00:49,218 --> 00:00:52,367
{\pos(192,210)}Tom, I'm standing here
with Stephen Hawking,
10
00:00:52,450 --> 00:00:56,376
{\pos(192,210)}the first white man I've ever met
who knows math better than me.
11
00:00:56,459 --> 00:00:57,562
{\pos(192,210)}Mr. Hawking,
12
00:00:57,645 --> 00:01:01,394
{\pos(192,210)}what does the discovery of this black
hole mean to you and your research ?
13
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,968
{\pos(192,210)}I am overjoyed.
14
00:01:03,051 --> 00:01:06,698
{\pos(192,210)}This is the crowning achievement
of my career.
15
00:01:06,918 --> 00:01:10,185
{\pos(192,210)}It validates the work of a lifetime.
16
00:01:10,268 --> 00:01:13,144
{\pos(192,210)}It certainly does.
Back to you, Tom.
17
00:01:13,393 --> 00:01:14,726
All right, we're clear.
18
00:01:14,809 --> 00:01:17,985
I'm telling you, man, this shtick is
getting so old. That chair smells, dude.
19
00:01:18,068 --> 00:01:19,567
Hey, Steve, surf's up !
20
00:01:19,650 --> 00:01:21,360
All right !
See you, bitch !
21
00:01:23,071 --> 00:01:24,641
{\pos(192,210)}Everyone, guess what.
22
00:01:25,110 --> 00:01:26,469
{\pos(192,210)}- What ?
- I
23
00:01:26,552 --> 00:01:29,339
{\pos(192,210)}- have been selected.
- For what ?
24
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:32,212
Nothing too important,
just jury duty !
25
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:33,793
They have summoned me.
26
00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:36,113
I am part of an elite group
of individuals
27
00:01:36,196 --> 00:01:39,535
deemed intelligent enough
to decide the fate of a fellow citizen.
28
00:01:42,829 --> 00:01:44,950
{\pos(192,210)}The amused laughter of the envious.
29
00:01:45,033 --> 00:01:47,258
{\pos(192,210)}You know, they don't just
pick anybody for this job.
30
00:01:47,727 --> 00:01:48,650
Yes, they do.
31
00:01:48,818 --> 00:01:51,465
{\pos(192,210)}Brian, perhaps I have not
made myself clear. I have been
32
00:01:51,548 --> 00:01:53,997
{\pos(192,210)}entrusted to pass judgmen
upon others.
33
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,885
{\pos(192,210)}Everybody gets called for jury duty,
you stupid idiot !
34
00:01:56,968 --> 00:01:59,381
{\pos(192,210)}I've been called !
The only reason you've never been called
35
00:01:59,464 --> 00:02:01,502
{\pos(192,210)}is that they use
the voter registration list,
36
00:02:01,585 --> 00:02:03,811
{\pos(192,210)}this past election is
the first time you ever voted.
37
00:02:03,894 --> 00:02:06,811
I voted before.
I stuffed the ballot box at the Oscars.
38
00:02:07,255 --> 00:02:10,536
And the nominees for best actor
in a leading role are :
39
00:02:10,841 --> 00:02:11,849
Grover,
40
00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:13,712
Bluto from Popeye
41
00:02:13,947 --> 00:02:15,025
a red guy,
42
00:02:15,271 --> 00:02:16,126
a boob
43
00:02:16,209 --> 00:02:17,767
and Daniel Day Lewis.
44
00:02:18,019 --> 00:02:19,430
And the Oscar goes to...
45
00:02:20,388 --> 00:02:21,349
a red guy !
46
00:02:26,397 --> 00:02:27,970
{\pos(192,210)}Wait a second. You're saying that
47
00:02:28,156 --> 00:02:31,261
{\pos(192,210)}- everyone is asked to do jury duty ?
- Yes, Peter.
48
00:02:31,569 --> 00:02:32,333
So then,
49
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:33,927
I'm not special ?
50
00:02:34,114 --> 00:02:35,780
Everyone's special, Peter.
51
00:02:36,083 --> 00:02:37,853
Rock Drummer Tommy Lee ?
52
00:02:37,936 --> 00:02:40,372
And if your wife ever tells you that
you're not special,
53
00:02:40,455 --> 00:02:42,634
punch her really hard right
in her hepatitis.
54
00:02:42,717 --> 00:02:44,543
Thanks, Rock Drummer Tommy Lee !
55
00:02:44,626 --> 00:02:46,289
Hey, and you know
what else is cool ?
56
00:02:46,372 --> 00:02:48,292
Having sex with sunglasses on.
57
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:50,508
I've got a lot of
things to try now !
58
00:02:55,057 --> 00:02:56,756
{\pos(192,210)}I don't want to go to jury duty.
59
00:02:56,839 --> 00:02:59,220
{\pos(192,210)}Turns out it's not a special
honor at all. It's lame.
60
00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:02,159
And the worst part is, they try
and trick you into getting excited by
61
00:03:02,242 --> 00:03:03,659
putting "duty" in the title.
62
00:03:03,742 --> 00:03:06,613
You were excited when you thought
there was fecal matter involved ?
63
00:03:06,696 --> 00:03:08,582
- What the hell is fecal matter ?
- Waste.
64
00:03:09,086 --> 00:03:09,941
Doody.
65
00:03:10,176 --> 00:03:11,733
Peter, jury duty is an
66
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:14,068
important cornerstone in
our democratic society.
67
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:16,328
Yeah, that's what separates
us from the monkeys.
68
00:03:16,411 --> 00:03:18,449
That and the armed guards
at the zoo.
69
00:03:18,648 --> 00:03:21,034
Man,
they got some sexy monkeys down there.
70
00:03:21,202 --> 00:03:23,100
I don't care,
jury duty sounds boring.
71
00:03:23,393 --> 00:03:26,706
I'm gonna get myself kicked out.
Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay.
72
00:03:27,565 --> 00:03:29,334
Guys, I got an idea !
73
00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:32,340
How'bout we do a song
that's not whiny bull crap ?
74
00:03:36,025 --> 00:03:37,560
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
75
00:03:37,643 --> 00:03:40,138
We're gonna ask you a series
of questions to determine
76
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,423
whether or not
you can be impartial jurors.
77
00:03:42,506 --> 00:03:43,337
First off,
78
00:03:43,420 --> 00:03:46,934
do any of you have any prejudices
you feel the court should know of ?
79
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:48,834
- Yes, you sir.
- Ants.
80
00:03:49,115 --> 00:03:50,533
- I hate ants.
- What ?
81
00:03:50,616 --> 00:03:52,607
That's right, you heard me.
I'm an ant hater.
82
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:54,910
Just like my daddy
and his daddy before him.
83
00:03:55,097 --> 00:03:58,226
So, if this is an ant trial, forget it.
No way I'm gonna be fair.
84
00:03:58,590 --> 00:04:00,816
Always making
those cocky little hills.
85
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,511
Moving around all single file
and stupid.
86
00:04:03,745 --> 00:04:06,933
All ganging up and walking my pie
off the picnic blanket.
87
00:04:11,854 --> 00:04:14,164
'Twas my pie gone missing !
88
00:04:14,797 --> 00:04:16,555
Sir, this is not an ant trial.
89
00:04:17,117 --> 00:04:19,086
Is there anything else
we should know about ?
90
00:04:19,169 --> 00:04:20,879
- Have you not heard ?
- Heard what ?
91
00:04:20,962 --> 00:04:23,259
A well-a-bird-bird-bird.
B-Bird's the word,
92
00:04:23,342 --> 00:04:26,099
A well-a-bird-bird-bird.
B-Bird's the word, a well-a...
93
00:04:28,427 --> 00:04:32,083
All right, now the prosecution is about
to show you items pertinent to this case
94
00:04:32,166 --> 00:04:35,634
that have been entered into evidence.
It is vitally important that you look
95
00:04:35,717 --> 00:04:38,653
but don't touch, as any
fingerprints could contaminate them.
96
00:04:38,821 --> 00:04:40,863
Exhibit A, one bloody Slinky.
97
00:04:42,074 --> 00:04:44,867
Exhibit B,
one semen-covered View-Master.
98
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:47,870
With the reel of the Grand Canyon.
99
00:04:49,540 --> 00:04:51,707
And a blood-splattered
Mr. Potato Head.
100
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:54,627
And these socks you really need.
101
00:04:58,584 --> 00:05:01,175
All right, everyone,
we're going to take a ten-minute recess.
102
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,991
I would like to remind members of
the jury that you are forbidden
103
00:05:04,074 --> 00:05:07,003
to discuss details
of the case outside the courtroom.
104
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:13,724
Hey, how about this trial ?
And all its details.
105
00:05:13,807 --> 00:05:15,938
- Let's discuss them.
- He said not to !
106
00:05:16,021 --> 00:05:18,975
You know how the judge told us not
to make up our minds beforehand ?
107
00:05:19,058 --> 00:05:21,131
- Let's make up our minds.
- Griffin, shut up !
108
00:05:21,214 --> 00:05:24,235
I know the judge said not to run
in the hall, but check this out !
109
00:05:29,954 --> 00:05:31,454
Griffin ! Knock it off !
110
00:05:31,653 --> 00:05:33,552
Come on, Judge, tell us the answer.
111
00:05:33,635 --> 00:05:35,274
The Mexican guy did it, right ?
112
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:42,091
We now return to
How Henry Kissinger Met Your Mother.
113
00:05:42,401 --> 00:05:44,885
I was walking with my professor
114
00:05:44,968 --> 00:05:47,346
when I saw this woman who was...
115
00:06:03,213 --> 00:06:05,426
Stewie, can you please move ?
You're blocking the TV.
116
00:06:05,509 --> 00:06:08,618
No ! And I'll thank you to quiet down.
I'm playing action figures.
117
00:06:08,786 --> 00:06:12,352
Prepare to be bested on the battlefield,
Lion-O. I don't think so, He-Man.
118
00:06:12,715 --> 00:06:14,637
I'm sorry,
did I punch you too hard ?
119
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:17,532
Yes, I suppose you don't know
your own strength. Look at your muscles.
120
00:06:17,615 --> 00:06:19,548
Stop it,
you're the one with the sick abs.
121
00:06:19,631 --> 00:06:22,114
God, my mouth is watering
just looking at you.
122
00:06:22,642 --> 00:06:25,993
Yeah, that's right. You buy
your kids ridiculously homoerotic dolls
123
00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:29,568
and then ask what happened ?
Yep. Your gay son is on you, buddy.
124
00:06:29,837 --> 00:06:31,290
Explain that to your god.
125
00:06:31,867 --> 00:06:33,952
Off to another day of jury duty,
sweetie ?
126
00:06:34,035 --> 00:06:37,355
Yeah, and it sucks. Even
the vending machines are out of order.
127
00:06:40,503 --> 00:06:42,706
I don't want to go back
to stupid jury duty.
128
00:06:42,789 --> 00:06:44,737
There's got to be some
way I can get out of it.
129
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,042
This is Tom Tucker
with some breaking news.
130
00:06:47,125 --> 00:06:50,700
NASA has made the alarming announcement
that the newly discovered black hole
131
00:06:50,783 --> 00:06:53,454
at the edge of our solar
system appears to be expanding.
132
00:06:53,537 --> 00:06:55,705
Neptune and Pluto have
already been consumed,
133
00:06:55,788 --> 00:06:59,314
and scientists estimate that the event
horizon will reach Earth by tomorrow.
134
00:06:59,397 --> 00:07:01,835
That's right, Tom.
Which means th all life on earth
135
00:07:01,918 --> 00:07:04,006
will be destroyed within 24 hours.
136
00:07:04,389 --> 00:07:05,925
Oh, my God !
137
00:07:06,194 --> 00:07:08,303
Mom, is, is this for real ?
138
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,263
Well,
it sure looks that way, sweetie.
139
00:07:10,553 --> 00:07:11,314
It's
140
00:07:11,549 --> 00:07:12,761
the end of the world !
141
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:14,191
Holy crap !
142
00:07:18,166 --> 00:07:20,616
Seems like I've run out
of waiting time.
143
00:07:25,962 --> 00:07:29,114
... but it looks like Nicole
Ritchie's baby is gonna be just fine.
144
00:07:29,430 --> 00:07:31,739
Also in the news,
the doomsday clock is ticking
145
00:07:31,822 --> 00:07:34,821
with less than 19 hours to go
before our planet is consumed
146
00:07:34,904 --> 00:07:36,539
by an expanding black hole.
147
00:07:36,837 --> 00:07:39,380
As Americans everywhere face
their last day on earth,
148
00:07:39,463 --> 00:07:41,711
one can only imagine
how they're spending it.
149
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:47,055
Hey, Mort. Now that the end of
the world is here, I just wanted to say
150
00:07:47,237 --> 00:07:48,678
no hard feelings, huh ?
151
00:07:49,534 --> 00:07:50,413
Psych !
152
00:07:51,069 --> 00:07:52,862
Embedded in the hand.
153
00:07:52,945 --> 00:07:54,503
Have fun where you're going.
154
00:07:55,921 --> 00:07:57,538
Well, it's become clear,
155
00:07:57,621 --> 00:08:00,303
the only way to avert this
disaster is by writing
156
00:08:00,386 --> 00:08:02,771
a strongly-worded letter
to the black hole.
157
00:08:03,195 --> 00:08:04,519
"Dear space."
158
00:08:04,602 --> 00:08:07,262
"Well, you're just full of surprises,
aren't you ?"
159
00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:10,291
"You think you're so good
'cause you went to Choate."
160
00:08:10,502 --> 00:08:13,736
"You're not gonna be so tough
"when I put a fish bowl on my head"
161
00:08:13,819 --> 00:08:17,135
"and a rocket pack on my back
and come up there and punch you."
162
00:08:26,136 --> 00:08:27,448
Take that, Orion !
163
00:08:31,035 --> 00:08:34,609
That's right. All you are is
a failed production company.
164
00:08:37,246 --> 00:08:39,519
Joe, you got to help me.
You got to help me get laid !
165
00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:41,957
- What you talking about, Quagmire ?
- I got to get laid !
166
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,166
You got to help me get laid !
I've never had sex !
167
00:08:44,249 --> 00:08:46,380
What do you mean ?
You've had sex a million times.
168
00:08:46,463 --> 00:08:48,945
That's all bluster.
I just talk big for the fellas.
169
00:08:49,113 --> 00:08:50,342
I'm a virgin, Joe !
170
00:08:50,524 --> 00:08:52,985
I don't want to die a virgin !
Help me, please !
171
00:08:53,430 --> 00:08:54,930
Let me have sex with Bonnie !
172
00:08:56,641 --> 00:08:57,824
I guess so.
173
00:08:58,164 --> 00:09:00,730
For my friend,
on our last day on earth.
174
00:09:01,070 --> 00:09:03,015
You're a good man, Joe Swanson.
175
00:09:04,328 --> 00:09:07,187
- How was your first time ?
- I've had sex lots of times.
176
00:09:07,270 --> 00:09:08,991
I just wanted to have it again !
177
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:12,179
Screw you !
178
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,241
Who else but Quagmire ?
179
00:09:14,980 --> 00:09:17,921
Diane, now that our time is almost up,
just to lighten the mood,
180
00:09:18,004 --> 00:09:21,121
we introduce a new feature called
Tom's Crank Calls.
181
00:09:21,402 --> 00:09:23,148
Let's dial that number, shall we ?
182
00:09:24,150 --> 00:09:25,545
Hello, is this Megan Fox ?
183
00:09:26,142 --> 00:09:27,888
I will kill you, do you understand ?
184
00:09:27,971 --> 00:09:30,601
If I can't have you, no one can.
I will kill you.
185
00:09:30,684 --> 00:09:32,101
This is Tom Tucker.
186
00:09:32,854 --> 00:09:34,483
Well, I know who you are.
187
00:09:35,737 --> 00:09:38,244
It's fun to see how people
react when they're on the spot.
188
00:09:38,608 --> 00:09:40,741
Look, since these
are our final hours,
189
00:09:40,824 --> 00:09:44,104
I want you kids to know
how much your father and I love you
190
00:09:44,187 --> 00:09:46,419
and how important
this family is to us.
191
00:09:46,587 --> 00:09:47,784
I'm scared.
192
00:09:47,867 --> 00:09:50,479
- I wonder what it's like to die.
- I don't know,
193
00:09:50,737 --> 00:09:53,854
but from the look in a stray cat's eyes
when you're pushing on its windpipe,
194
00:09:54,111 --> 00:09:55,647
I think it's pretty terrifying.
195
00:09:55,893 --> 00:09:57,013
Like, panicky.
196
00:09:57,181 --> 00:09:59,066
Brian,
what do you think is gonna happ...
197
00:09:59,406 --> 00:10:00,379
What was that ?
198
00:10:00,695 --> 00:10:03,016
- You were praying.
- Come on, no, I wasn't.
199
00:10:03,099 --> 00:10:05,547
Yes, you were praying, I saw !
200
00:10:05,630 --> 00:10:07,692
- No, man, it was a joke !
- You were praying !
201
00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:09,525
It was a goof !
I was goofing on you !
202
00:10:09,693 --> 00:10:12,216
You're, you're, you're disingenuous.
203
00:10:14,118 --> 00:10:17,036
Hello, everybody.
This is Montecore. He's my lion.
204
00:10:17,235 --> 00:10:18,454
I have a lion now.
205
00:10:19,508 --> 00:10:20,828
Peter, what the hell ?
206
00:10:20,996 --> 00:10:24,195
I went to the zoo last week and asked if
I {\could }do it, and they told me to scram.
207
00:10:24,278 --> 00:10:26,834
Went to the zoo this morning with
a shotgun and now I have a lion.
208
00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:29,152
- Does it bite ?
- Of course it bites, it's a lion.
209
00:10:29,235 --> 00:10:30,582
Peter, get off the lion.
210
00:10:30,665 --> 00:10:32,774
We should spend some time
together as a family.
211
00:10:32,857 --> 00:10:34,008
I don't think so.
212
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,635
But the world is ending.
213
00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:38,888
We should be spending these final hours
with the people we love most.
214
00:10:39,056 --> 00:10:41,212
Lois, a day ago,
I was stuck on jury duty.
215
00:10:41,295 --> 00:10:44,001
Today, I have a golden ticket
to do whatever the hell I want.
216
00:10:44,084 --> 00:10:47,007
I feel like an old guy who's reliving
his youthful shenanigans.
217
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,349
Tell me about when you were young,
grandpa.
218
00:10:49,432 --> 00:10:51,798
Oh, sonny, those were crazy times.
219
00:10:51,881 --> 00:10:53,802
My friends
and I were out of control.
220
00:10:53,989 --> 00:10:56,614
We used to give each other wet-willies
and funny arms.
221
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:59,617
We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread
and penis-butt.
222
00:11:00,025 --> 00:11:03,506
- Sounds kind of gay, grandpa.
- It was gay. Everyone was.
223
00:11:03,589 --> 00:11:05,943
But, back then,
we were called pole-fancies.
224
00:11:06,026 --> 00:11:08,715
It was real, good old-fashioned
"grab the nearest tree
225
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,486
and hold on for dear life" gay,
226
00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:13,392
not today's fancy,
featherbed, thread-count gay.
227
00:11:13,475 --> 00:11:14,962
People got hurt back then !
228
00:11:15,045 --> 00:11:17,009
- That's gay.
- Yeah, it was pretty gay.
229
00:11:20,791 --> 00:11:23,246
- What are you doing with a musket ?
- Last day on Earth.
230
00:11:23,329 --> 00:11:25,767
I've always wanted to save a Native
American family
231
00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:27,353
from rapacious cavalrymen.
232
00:11:35,041 --> 00:11:35,885
Yeah...
233
00:11:35,968 --> 00:11:37,760
this one'll do nicely.
234
00:11:39,541 --> 00:11:40,842
Let her go.
235
00:11:43,204 --> 00:11:45,900
You don't have to be afraid
of him anymore.
236
00:11:49,310 --> 00:11:51,923
Stay with us as the countdown
to Doomsday continues
237
00:11:52,006 --> 00:11:53,892
with just six more hours to go.
238
00:11:54,073 --> 00:11:57,472
The only thing that's nice about this
is even though it's a tuesday,
239
00:11:57,555 --> 00:11:59,651
it feels kinda like it's a friday.
240
00:12:00,472 --> 00:12:01,855
Peter, where are you going ?
241
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:05,054
Last day on earth, last chance to do
this. I'm go find a black neighborhood
242
00:12:05,137 --> 00:12:07,690
and see what happens if
I yell the you-know-what word.
243
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,257
They respected me for saying it.
244
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,936
Well, ladies and gentlemen,
this is it, our final minutes.
245
00:12:21,118 --> 00:12:24,540
Any moment now, the earth will be sucked
into the gaping maw of the black hole.
246
00:12:24,808 --> 00:12:27,551
We here at Channel Five would like
to leave you with some highlights
247
00:12:27,634 --> 00:12:30,458
of mankind's brief existence,
like the Battle of Hastings.
248
00:12:31,043 --> 00:12:32,569
Guys, if we win this,
249
00:12:32,652 --> 00:12:34,093
we get Hastings !
250
00:12:34,176 --> 00:12:35,322
Yeah, let's do it !
251
00:12:35,405 --> 00:12:37,381
- Let's go !
- All right, Hastings !
252
00:12:37,647 --> 00:12:38,883
The Ottoman Empire.
253
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,206
- Ah, I could get used to this.
- You know what ?
254
00:12:41,652 --> 00:12:43,948
This is what I want
our empire to be about.
255
00:12:44,306 --> 00:12:46,058
The first television broadcast.
256
00:12:59,631 --> 00:13:01,189
And with only 30 seconds to go,
257
00:13:01,272 --> 00:13:03,990
we thank you for choosing
Channel Five as your Armageddon network.
258
00:13:04,435 --> 00:13:07,201
- Mom, where's Dad ?!
- I don't know, Chris.
259
00:13:07,284 --> 00:13:09,897
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Peter, where have you been ?
260
00:13:09,980 --> 00:13:12,007
You try scheduling a haircut today.
261
00:13:12,090 --> 00:13:15,147
You'd think you'd wanna spend your
last day on Earth with your family !
262
00:13:15,230 --> 00:13:17,963
- I'm here, aren't I ?
- With only seconds left !
263
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:19,381
Don't you love me ?
264
00:13:19,729 --> 00:13:22,802
Of course I love you{\, Lois}! You're the most
important person in the world to me !
265
00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:24,208
You promise ?
266
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,304
I promise !
267
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:28,028
Ten,
268
00:13:28,297 --> 00:13:29,809
nine, eight...
269
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,311
- I just hate bein' around the kids.
- What ?
270
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:33,896
... six, five,
271
00:13:34,064 --> 00:13:36,148
{\Sorry, }I {\just }thought I'd be honest
since we're gonna die.
272
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,180
... three,
273
00:13:37,450 --> 00:13:38,223
two,
274
00:13:38,423 --> 00:13:39,173
one.
275
00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:40,802
April Fools !
276
00:13:41,786 --> 00:13:44,060
- What ?
- You gotta be kiddin' me !
277
00:13:44,143 --> 00:13:47,329
- We're not gonna die ?
- No, we're not gonna die !
278
00:13:51,294 --> 00:13:52,935
Wait, what did Dad just say ?
279
00:13:57,468 --> 00:13:58,957
Yes, April Fools !
280
00:13:59,144 --> 00:14:01,875
We at Channel Five News concocted
the whole black hole story
281
00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:04,546
as part of our commitment
to being festive around the holidays.
282
00:14:04,629 --> 00:14:07,464
And with only 87 suicides
and widespread looting,
283
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:10,224
we think this was
a pretty successful practical joke.
284
00:14:10,772 --> 00:14:12,309
You dicks !
285
00:14:13,368 --> 00:14:15,630
How do ya like that, Lois ?
We're gonna live !
286
00:14:15,713 --> 00:14:18,038
Peter, what did you mean
by what you said,
287
00:14:18,284 --> 00:14:20,025
you hate bein' around the kids ?
288
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,778
- Yeah, dad, what did you mean ?
- Don't you like us ?
289
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:24,801
- Yeah, what gives ?
- Well...
290
00:14:24,884 --> 00:14:27,176
come on. I didn't mean that.
I was just jokin'around.
291
00:14:27,259 --> 00:14:28,559
Gimme a big hug.
292
00:14:28,642 --> 00:14:30,528
How about a big hug for old dad ?
293
00:14:31,126 --> 00:14:33,939
Kids, why don't you go upstairs
so your father and I can talk.
294
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:37,173
Yeah, come on, Meg and Chris.
Let's get outta here.
295
00:14:39,185 --> 00:14:41,470
I'm off to serve food
at the soup kitchen.
296
00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:43,052
Now that I lived through this,
297
00:14:43,135 --> 00:14:45,302
I kinda have to keep
a promise I made to someone.
298
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,732
- It's God !
- Peter,
299
00:14:46,815 --> 00:14:47,962
what did you mean ?
300
00:14:48,466 --> 00:14:51,103
All right, you want the truth ?
They bore the hell outta me, Lois.
301
00:14:51,186 --> 00:14:53,581
Bore the hell outta you ?
They're your kids !
302
00:14:53,664 --> 00:14:55,301
I know, and I love'em, but
303
00:14:55,490 --> 00:14:58,197
don't you just sometimes
wish they'd run away or get
304
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,564
kidnapped and be made
to work in a Temple of Doom ?
305
00:15:05,012 --> 00:15:06,613
How can you even say that ?
306
00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:09,735
Because, Lois. Meg tells a story that
makes you wanna blow your brains out,
307
00:15:09,818 --> 00:15:12,952
Stewie just sits there and Chris is
always leaving his Russian mice around.
308
00:15:13,035 --> 00:15:14,121
Get outta here !
309
00:15:15,032 --> 00:15:16,286
You don't have to yell.
310
00:15:16,467 --> 00:15:18,442
Let us go find das vaginya.
311
00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:19,767
Listen to you !
312
00:15:19,850 --> 00:15:22,100
You don't know your own kids !
That's the problem !
313
00:15:22,183 --> 00:15:23,755
It's not them, it's you !
314
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,401
- Me ?
- Yes, you ! And you know what ?
315
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,248
You've hurt your kids
worse than any black hole could !
316
00:15:29,331 --> 00:15:32,159
Lois, you're overreacting.
This'll all blow over by tomorrow.
317
00:15:36,776 --> 00:15:37,784
Morning,.
318
00:15:38,229 --> 00:15:39,378
I'm just kiddin'!
319
00:15:39,461 --> 00:15:41,273
So what do we got, pancakes ? Cool !
320
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:44,219
- Hat's on tap for school today, kids ?
- Shut up, dad.
321
00:15:44,852 --> 00:15:47,946
Whatever. Chris,
how are all your friends at school ?
322
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:50,866
What do you care ?
You don't know who my friends are.
323
00:15:51,034 --> 00:15:52,035
Sure, I do.
324
00:15:53,137 --> 00:15:54,145
Chandler...
325
00:15:54,977 --> 00:15:55,985
Fonzie...
326
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,136
and Remington Steele ?
327
00:15:58,781 --> 00:16:00,105
You got lucky, dad.
328
00:16:00,609 --> 00:16:02,859
Stewie,
how's everything going in Lego Land ?
329
00:16:02,942 --> 00:16:06,046
Pretty good. I made a spaceship...
Wait a minute. I'm not talkin'to you.
330
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,485
Come on, guys.
Let's go eat in the living room.
331
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:09,938
It stinks in here.
332
00:16:11,333 --> 00:16:14,790
No, does it stink 'cause I farted ?
'Cause sometimes I can suck 'em back up.
333
00:16:15,212 --> 00:16:17,966
I think we can make up some
of these losses in the third quarter.
334
00:16:21,224 --> 00:16:22,794
- What was that ?
- Hat was what ?
335
00:16:23,345 --> 00:16:24,189
Nothing.
336
00:16:24,272 --> 00:16:26,439
I thought I smelled a fart,
but now I don't.
337
00:16:27,013 --> 00:16:29,837
They, they're really pissed at me,
aren't they ?
338
00:16:30,036 --> 00:16:31,990
Look who's startin'to get it.
339
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,525
Peter, they heard you say
you hate being around them.
340
00:16:34,608 --> 00:16:36,928
They know you have no interest
in getting to know them.
341
00:16:37,011 --> 00:16:38,288
How would you feel ?
342
00:16:38,568 --> 00:16:40,596
Right now I feel like a jerk.
343
00:16:40,679 --> 00:16:42,740
Peter,
if you really do care about your kids,
344
00:16:42,823 --> 00:16:45,389
ou're gonna have to earn back
their respect and affection.
345
00:16:45,472 --> 00:16:47,689
- How do I do that ?
- You gotta spend time with them
346
00:16:47,772 --> 00:16:50,279
and make their interests
your interests.
347
00:16:51,088 --> 00:16:53,760
I guess you're right, Lois.
I'm always screwin'up.
348
00:16:53,843 --> 00:16:55,577
Like that time with Jason Mraz.
349
00:16:56,666 --> 00:16:58,799
Oh, my God ! You're Jason Mraz !
350
00:16:58,882 --> 00:17:00,791
No, I'm not.
I'm just some guy with a hat.
351
00:17:00,874 --> 00:17:02,795
Yeah, that's who Jason Mraz is !
352
00:17:07,492 --> 00:17:08,524
Hey, buddy.
353
00:17:11,020 --> 00:17:12,156
What's going on ?
354
00:17:14,348 --> 00:17:16,492
You having your period ?
What ?
355
00:17:16,575 --> 00:17:18,912
I'm just trying to take an interest
in your interests.
356
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,825
My period's not an interest.
It's something that happens to me
357
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:24,016
- that I cannot control.
- Gross.
358
00:17:24,508 --> 00:17:26,377
All right,
I'm gonna go talk to Chris.
359
00:17:28,252 --> 00:17:30,660
- Hi, Chris.
- Hello... Peter.
360
00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:32,418
You know, I was just thinking,
361
00:17:32,597 --> 00:17:35,456
when I was your age,
my uncle Roy shared a beer with me.
362
00:17:35,819 --> 00:17:38,433
I drank it, and I was so excited,
I fell asleep.
363
00:17:38,679 --> 00:17:40,753
I must have tossed
and turned somethin'fierce,
364
00:17:40,836 --> 00:17:42,722
'cause when I woke up,
my pants were off.
365
00:17:42,805 --> 00:17:44,808
Never saw much of uncle Roy
after that.
366
00:17:45,007 --> 00:17:46,742
Turns out we weren't even related.
367
00:17:47,176 --> 00:17:50,586
Anyway, I thought him sharing that beer
with me was the coolest thing ever.
368
00:17:50,938 --> 00:17:54,020
I know nowadays things are different...
so I got some crystal meth.
369
00:17:54,199 --> 00:17:56,458
I figured we could do it together
as father and son.
370
00:17:56,541 --> 00:17:59,396
- I don't know about that.
- Tell you what, I'll get us started.
371
00:18:02,330 --> 00:18:03,383
That feels,
372
00:18:04,261 --> 00:18:07,130
- that feels better.
- You sure that stuff is okay ?
373
00:18:07,213 --> 00:18:09,436
All I know is the guys who made
it are dead.
374
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:11,742
Why is there no hole in this wall ?
375
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,376
You know, this thing is buggin'me.
376
00:18:16,180 --> 00:18:17,930
All right, I'm gonna take a hike.
377
00:18:21,846 --> 00:18:24,186
So you gonna
introduce me to your pals ?
378
00:18:24,354 --> 00:18:26,686
That's Trapjaw.
That's Optimus Prime.
379
00:18:26,769 --> 00:18:29,015
That's Destro.
And that's a Care Bear.
380
00:18:29,359 --> 00:18:32,622
- You having a tea party ?
- No, we're working out a land deal.
381
00:18:32,831 --> 00:18:35,969
Trapjaw is trying to get a variance
to build an unpermitted structure
382
00:18:36,052 --> 00:18:38,298
within ten feet
of Optimus Prime's property line.
383
00:18:38,381 --> 00:18:41,365
Destro is the City Councilman who's
telling Trapjaw that he has to file
384
00:18:41,448 --> 00:18:42,954
it as an accessory structure,
385
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,211
even then it can only be
built at the rear of the lot.
386
00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:47,209
And the Care Bear
is just a Care Bear.
387
00:18:47,521 --> 00:18:49,874
I am so ready !
388
00:18:54,193 --> 00:18:56,476
I don't know, Lois, I tried my best.
389
00:18:56,559 --> 00:18:58,794
I don't know what else
I possibly could have done.
390
00:18:58,877 --> 00:19:00,879
Peter,
you're just gonna have to do better.
391
00:19:00,962 --> 00:19:03,852
Somehow you've gotta let those kids
know that they matter to you.
392
00:19:04,497 --> 00:19:05,761
I'll try, Lois.
393
00:19:09,819 --> 00:19:12,734
Kids, come in here !
Your father's got somethin' to say !
394
00:19:16,679 --> 00:19:19,574
Look, I know you kids ain't too happy
with your dad right now,
395
00:19:20,309 --> 00:19:22,709
but I hope at least you could see that
I'm tryin'.
396
00:19:23,786 --> 00:19:26,291
I know sometimes we don't get along
with each other.
397
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:29,405
If we weren't all related, this would
be like the worst table at the wedding.
398
00:19:29,488 --> 00:19:31,489
But we're, we're part of a family.
399
00:19:31,875 --> 00:19:33,515
And I'm still your father.
400
00:19:33,830 --> 00:19:35,507
And I promise I love you.
401
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:39,029
Then how come you said you
hated spending time with us ?
402
00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,919
Look, I may not have said
exactly what I meant.
403
00:19:42,621 --> 00:19:45,782
But I can still be your dad even if
we don't have any of the same interests.
404
00:19:46,373 --> 00:19:48,854
So what do you say,
are we a family again ?
405
00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:51,855
- I don't buy it.
- Me neither.
406
00:19:51,938 --> 00:19:54,279
When you jumped through my ceiling,
you let an owl in.
407
00:19:54,362 --> 00:19:56,948
I know they're supposed to be wise,
but all it did was shriek
408
00:19:57,031 --> 00:19:58,780
and poop out half-digested mice.
409
00:19:58,948 --> 00:20:02,172
Then, I guess ere's only one thing
I can do to regain your love.
410
00:20:03,082 --> 00:20:04,828
Who wants a brand new Xbox ?
411
00:20:04,996 --> 00:20:06,872
- Yay !
- Oh, daddy !
412
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,541
Oh, my God,
you're the best father ever !
413
00:20:14,005 --> 00:20:17,340
Guess if you can't earn your kids'
respect, you can always buy it.
414
00:20:21,352 --> 00:20:23,834
There's some awesome stuff
in the garbage.
415
00:20:31,279 --> 00:20:33,726
Dad, can we please
have a turn at the Xbox ?
416
00:20:33,809 --> 00:20:35,859
Just a second, Meg.
I'm sure to can handle this.
417
00:20:35,942 --> 00:20:39,237
OK, Guys. Tell me again.
Now, which one do I press to shoot now ?
418
00:20:39,766 --> 00:20:40,572
Damn it !
419
00:20:41,287 --> 00:20:42,074
Crap.
420
00:20:42,242 --> 00:20:45,092
- Who's the douchebag who keeps dyin'?
- I'm not a douchebag.
421
00:20:45,175 --> 00:20:47,246
- I'm new.
- Look, if you're no good, why
422
00:20:47,329 --> 00:20:50,582
- don't you just go hide till the end ?
- All right, I'll go crouch behind the,
423
00:20:50,665 --> 00:20:52,561
Is this a crouch button ?
424
00:20:53,270 --> 00:20:54,897
- Who dropped a grenade ?
- Idiot !
425
00:20:54,980 --> 00:20:57,005
- Learn how to play !
- Moron ! You suck !