It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
Come on, everybody. Let's go.
Oh, this is so exciting.
This is the tenth year my father's raced his yacht in the Newport Regatta.
Man, I hope he lets me on his team this year.
I haven't been part of a team since I was with the Four Peters.
- Come on, Stewie. Let's go. - Yes, yes. I'm just checking the mail.
- I say, here's one from the vet. - Give me that.
Good lord, worms? You have worms?
I don't have worms, all right? I just got checked for worms.
Oh, wait. No, I do have worms.
Oh, God. What am I gonna do? I can't afford the medication for this.
- Well, you could ask Lois and the fat one. - No. No. No.
You cannot tell them about this, please.
Peter is not very discreet with private matters.
Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning.
What the hell's going on out there?
Damn it! People are trying to sleep.
I'm just saying, I'm proud of her. She's a woman.
Yes, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning...
but right now, I am exhausted.
Just please don't tell them.
Perhaps you should worry a little less about your pride...
and a little more about the creepy-crawlies...
shawshanking their way out of your balloon knot.
Come on, kids. Off to Grandma and Grandpa's house.
Thank God I finally get some time away from the evil monkey in my closet.
Mrs. Babs. Mr. Carter.
La familia Griffin.
Lois, darling. It's wonderful to see you.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Daddy.
- Grandpa! - Hello, everyone.
Hiya, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Peter, I see you're still fatter than holy hell.
You can read me like a book.
So, which of the Latin countries are you from?
The one with the civil war, the one with the cocaine...
or the one with the fancy hats?
Isn't this fun, Peter?
You and I get to stay in my old high-school room.
Wow. This looks just like my room at home.
Yeah, except for all the trophies and pictures of friends.
That's the second most impressive trophy I've ever seen.
And the Grammy for Album of the Year goes to...
Justin Timberlake.
It actually goes to Nelly.
Nelly.
Wow, Mom. Were you a Miss Teen Rhode Island?
I sure was, Meg, when I was 16 years old.
In fact, your mom was offered a modeling contract.
Really? Why didn't you take it?
Well, I wanted to, but your grandfather wouldn't let me.
But, Daddy, they offered me a contract.
My girl is not lowering herself to modeling.
That sort of uncouth activity is below this family.
Now go away. I'm busy.
- Farnsworth. - The usual, sir?
- Feeding the worms, are you? - Stewie, shut up, all right?
Yes, I imagine those little fellows are enjoying quite a feast.
You know what's interesting? I've only been alive for six weeks.
I know nothing of the world beyond this dog's stomach.
And I still find Six Feet Under pretentious.
So, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow, eh?
Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men...
to help you with your boat.
Are you calling me gay?
No. No, I just thought you might want some extra seamen...
on your poop deck.
Cashscam is your way to make real money.
You could become rich beyond your wildest dreams...
by selling these fine products over the phone.
Rich beyond my wildest dreams.
I say, I could be a millionaire playboy.
Okay, girls. Are you all ready to play?
All right, then. One, two, three. Green light.
Red light. Green light.
Red light.
Brandy, you're out.
Sorry, you have to sleep with Rob Schneider tonight.
"Making copies." Remember that?
I was born in 1987.
Ladies and gentlemen...
welcome to the 20th annual NewPort Regatta.
NewPort would like to extend a sPecial welcome...
to all those here today who have children stationed overseas in Iraq.
I'm just kidding.
There they are, team Pewterschmidt.
Say, where's your husband or as I call him, "my son-in-lard"?
Snap. Snap.
Oh, I'm sure he'll be along, Daddy.
Ahoy, Mr. Pewterschmidt.
Peter, what the hell are you doing in my bathtub?
Oh, this is not a bathtub.
This is the SS Pewterschmidt Kicker.
This is ridiculous.
I won't have a member of my family racing in a bathtub.
Well, Daddy, you didn't want Peter in your boat...
so team Griffin is gonna give you a run for your money.
And now, to fire the starting gun...
is recently Paroled Presidential assassin, John Hinckley.
You fired that gun real nice, John.
Wow, Jodie Foster. Hey, thanks.
Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I was wrong about all men.
We're not going fast enough.
- Loser! - What did he say?
- Hello? - I said you're a loser.
Who is this?
There's the finish line. We can't let him beat us.
We gotta lose some extra weight. Quick, everyone, take off your clothes.
- It's working. - Just need a little more...
We love you, honey.
Lois, what the hell were you doing out there?
Not listening to you for once, Daddy...
and look what happened.
I had a lot of fun.
I should've stopped listening to you a long time ago.
- Let's go home, Peter. - Right behind you.
Hey, where's Meg?
What is it, sir?
That's what we call a manatee, boys...
or, in nautical slang, the sea-cow.
Damn these worms. Ow, this itch.
Brian, what the hell are you doing?
Nothing. Just some Pilates.
Don't lie to me, Brian. I know what this is.
You're looking for an ass-race.
First one to the kitchen wins. Go!
- Still got the worms, eh? - Yeah, that stupid medicine's $300.
Well, let me make you a proposal.
I'll front you the money, and you pay it off by working for me.
Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want anything to do with that pyramid scheme.
- Very well, then. Enjoy your worms. - Wait. Wait.
What would I have to do?
Just be in my room tomorrow at 9:00 a. m. For orientation.
Until then, keep this in mind.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right.
See you tomorrow.
Hey, everybody. Wait till you see this.
Oh, my God. Movable printed type.
We must keep this from the serfs lest they gain literacy...
and threaten the landed gentry.
- What you got there, my lord? - Nothing. Back to your turnips.
Look, it's a picture of us at the Regatta.
Wow, Mom. You look pretty.
Thank you, Chris. I thought so, too.
And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance...
my father never let me take when I was younger.
I'm gonna become a model.
Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos.
- Me, too. - Me, too.
Oh, God. Meg, that's sick.
- That's your mother. - I'm just trying to fit in.
Get out. Get out of this house.
I said now!
That's good about your modeling, Lois.
Here are your pictures, Lois. They sure are terrific.
Thank you, Mort. I'm trying to get into modeling.
That's great. Oh, hey! Get out of here.
Hey, go on. Get out.
- I didn't hurt anybody. - Scat, Mister.
I know deep down I'm your friend.
That greased-up deaf guy is going to be the death of me.
Like business isn't bad enough already.
Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think about sending out a mailer?
'Cause I know where you could get a good deal on a model.
- I'm touching on the candy. - Get out. Get out.
What the hell is all this?
Oh, Brian, you're here. Good. Okay, let me give you the rundown.
This is your work area.
Please keep personal knickknacks tasteful.
You get 25 minutes for lunch, and... Enjoy it here.
Welcome aboard.
- Yes? - It's Brian.
Oh, yes, the new fellow. Come on in.
What exactly am I supposed to do?
You'll pick up the phone and you'll sell, sell, sell.
But before you go thinking it's all seriousness...
the first Friday of every month is Wacky-Tacky-Tie Day...
so, you know, start thinking up some fun tacky ties to wear.
Oh, we're done.
Here you go, guys.
Lois, could I be a son of a bitch and impose on you...
to sign one of your flyers for me.
Of course, Cleveland.
Oh, man. I can't believe I'm sleeping with a model.
I'm luckier than the State of Rhode Island.
Well, I can't decide what to call this place.
We'll flip a coin.
All right. Heads, Rhode Island. Tails, Ca-ca-poo-poo-pee-pee-shire.
Pardon me. Are you Lois Griffin, the Goldman's Pharmacy girl?
Yes, I suppose I am.
Karin Parotta, modeling agent.
Listen, sugar, I've seen your stuff. You're a breath of fresh air in my stoma.
I could get you a lot more work if you sign with my agency.
Really? Oh, my God! How exciting.
Well, here's my card. Give me a call.
Now, perhaps some young gentleman would like to light me up.
Allow me.
So, what's going on?
You ever get freaky with that thing or what?
Brian, could you come in here for one second?
Yeah, what is...
Hang on. Hang on one second.
Yes, Grover, what is it? This has to be quick.
I am so pressed.
Yes, the letter "G" is wonderful.
Of course, and the number "6."
Okay. Okay.
Grover. Grover. Grover.
Grover. Grover.
You know what? If you're gonna shout, we can just talk later.
Okay. All right, you know what? Call me back when you calm down.
You wanted something?
Oh, yes. Can you go ahead and send Lois a congratulatory basket?
Thank you.
Oh, and if Cookie Monster calls, tell him I'm not talking to him...
until he gets out of rehab.
Contraband check.
- What are these? - I don't know.
What do you mean, you don't know?
I don't know how they got there.
Well, I think you do know.
No. No, Derek was in here earlier. He was making the beds.
He probably put them... I was in the john.
You guys are Nazis, man. You're freaking Nazis.
Well, here we are, Lois. Your first professional photo shoot.
Karin, this is so exciting.
Knock them dead, honey.
Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going?
I'm... I'm hitting that.
Hi, is Mr. Donald Nguyen there, please?
And is he the head of the household?
If I can just have a few moments of your time...
Hello?
Oh, Brian, there you are. Can I talk to you about something?
Yeah, what is it?
That coffee mug you have on your desk that says, "Life's a beach"...
that's dangerously close to the word "bitch," isn't it?
Yeah, that's the joke.
Absolutely, and nobody appreciates a joke like Stewie.
And, you know, between you and me, I think it's a stitch...
but some of the other employees have found it offensive.
Other employees? Who else works here besides me?
...you. That's who works here!
Dinner's almost ready, kids.
Wow, Lois, look at you. You're like Britney Spears...
except you're not a fat guy.
I'll get it.
Dad, how could you be okay with Mom parading herself around like this?
I mean, she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad.
Meg, who let you back in the house?
Oh, Karin. Come on in.
Lois, I got your new headshots, and I set up a shoot for you...
over at Glamour next Monday...
but, sugar, you're gonna need these to stay on top.
Diet pills? Karin, I'm not gonna take these.
I don't need to.
Lois, sooner or later every model needs a little boost, huh?
I just wanna make sure you got everything you need.
- Hey, you like Pez? - Sure.
Hey, who's putting together a puzzle? 'Cause I just found a hot piece.
Wow. Lois, you look great.
I'd like to split you in half like a piece of lumber.
Thank you, Glenn.
Yeah, Lois. I'd like to wear you like a hockey mask.
You guys!
Okay, easy, fellas.
Lois, I'd like to make a caramel-colored baby with you.
Take it easy, Cleveland.
Take your jacket off.
Jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off.
All right. All right. That's it. That's enough.
Peter, what are you doing?
Lois, if you being a model means you're going to be eye-candy...
for the whole town, then I ain't going for it.
Excuse me? Who do you think you are, my father?
Lois, I think Meg was right.
Lowering yourself and women and something and all that noise.
You can't stop me from modeling, Peter.
This is important to me.
I am going to the top, and there's nothing you or anyone else can do about it.
Who the hell does he think he is?
Come on. Come on.
Go away!
We now return to...
Mmm-mmmh.
Mmm-hmmm.
Mmm-hmmmh.
Mmm-hmmm.
Hey, there, sweetie.
I got a wax this morning, and let's just say...
- you're cleared for landing, huh? - Giggidy!
Lois, what the hell's up with you lately?
You're acting all weird, and you're staying out all night.
I was just out with some of the girls, and you're not gonna believe this.
I got invited to a Vogue magazine party.
That guest list is more exclusive than the Garden of Eden.
So, basically, you can eat from any tree you want, except this one.
Can we sit underneath it?
You know, I would just not go near it at all.
Brian, thanks for showing up so promptly for your quarterly evaluation.
Now, then. I'm going to do something I call the compliment sandwich...
where I say something good, then talk about where you need improvement...
and then end with something good.
Whatever you gotta do.
Okay.
Let's see. Something good. Something good. Something good.
You look like Snoopy, and it makes me smile.
Where you need improvement.
You have smelly dog farts.
Something good. Something good.
You really dazzled that rep from the Cincinnati office last week.
That is sensational. You really made me feel confident about those numbers.
Listen, if you're ever looking for a change of scenery...
we could sure use a fellow like you in Cincinnati.
- That was you in disguise. - No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was. - No, it wasn't.
- Fine, it wasn't. - It was.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I need your help.
Lois is out of control.
I mean, she's acting crazier than I did that time I tried Ecstasy.
Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft.
Oh, your ears.
Your ears are like dog ears.
Oh, this couch.
Stewie, your head is so smooth.
How is that even... How you doing that?
How you doing that?
Oh! Everything here is fantastic.
Oh, these clothes.
I'm really worried about her, Mr. Pewterschmidt...
and I figured I'd come to you since you were always good at reeling her in.
Well, Lois was always a wild stallion...
but don't worry. I know how to control her.
And I'll help you...
but first, you have to do something for me.
Eat this pine cone.
- Well... - Eat it. It will amuse me.
- How is it? How does it taste? - It's awful.
- Finish it. Eat it. - I hate it.
Eat it. Eat it. Swallow it.
- It hurts. - This is for Lois. Go on.
- It hurts! - Good.
- All right. We good to go? - Yup.
All right, how's my man-tan?
There we go. All set.
Good. A little body glitter for you.
Yeah. Yeah. That's hot. That's hot. All right, let's do this.
- What are you doing? Like... obvious. - Shut up.
Check out these ribs, Lois.
Oh, yeah? That's nothing.
Go ahead. Try them out.
Hey, not bad.
- You see Jimmy Smits in there? - Yeah.
Yeah, that was cool.
So, what did you wanna see me about?
You know, Brian, there was a note in the suggestion box that says:
"Stewie should eat a steaming bag of..."
Well, I'm not gonna say the last word, but I think you know what it is.
Look, Brian, a corporation is a lot like a centipede.
It only works if all the legs are moving toward the same end.
And you know what you are, Brian?
- You're a busted leg. - What?
Are you firing me?
Don't think about coming back and shooting up the place...
because security has your picture.
What the hell are you guys doing?
You're not leaving this room until you agree to stop this modeling thing...
once and for all.
This isn't gonna work, you guys.
Why can't you understand I'm doing what I want?
Jeez, Carter, what are we doing?
I mean, if Lois wants to be a model...
we don't got any right to stop her.
You really mean that, Peter?
Of course, I do. I just want you to be happy.
This is ridiculous. No daughter of mine is going to be happy.
Excuse me, Carter. I think I owe you this.
That's for giving me a book last Christmas.
You're rich, you jerk.
Well, Lois, I guess you should go ahead and get back to your party.
What's wrong?
Aren't you gonna go do your little turn on the catwalk, Lois?
On the catwalk?
Yeah, on the catwalk?
Do your little turn on the catwalk?
Well, now that you say you're fine with it...
to be honest, I'm not really sure I wanna do it anymore.
I think all I really wanted was the freedom to know I could...
and now I have it because I have you.
You sure do, Lois.
What are we gonna do with him?
Hey, you wanna make him really mad, Lois?
Let's have sex on his back like we used to.
What the hell's going on?