1
00:00:32,746 --> 00:00:35,026
Tuesday on
Scarecrow and Mrs. King.
2
00:00:35,106 --> 00:00:37,866
My God, what did those
drug dealers do to you?
3
00:00:37,986 --> 00:00:40,025
Oh, they took my chest out
and threw it over there.
4
00:00:40,105 --> 00:00:42,425
Then they pulled my legs out
and threw them over there.
5
00:00:42,505 --> 00:00:46,225
Brian, you're still watching TV? God,
you've been sitting there since I left.
6
00:00:46,305 --> 00:00:50,105
Yeah. I spent all morning watching
a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani.
7
00:00:50,305 --> 00:00:54,304
I don't know what a "hollaback girl" is.
All I know is I want her dead.
8
00:00:54,424 --> 00:00:55,704
Hey, can you hand me the remote?
9
00:00:55,744 --> 00:00:58,424
You know, you've been laying
around the house a lot lately.
10
00:00:58,544 --> 00:01:00,984
Why don't you get a part-time job
like Peter used to have?
11
00:01:43,701 --> 00:01:47,861
Mom, guess what? I just found out I got
that internship at Mayor West's office.
12
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,300
Wow, congratulations, Meg.
13
00:01:50,380 --> 00:01:53,300
Yeah, it was a really tough interview,
but I totally nailed it.
14
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:56,860
All right, Meg, we're going to start
with a little word association.
15
00:01:56,980 --> 00:01:59,660
I'll say a word, and you say
whatever comes into your head.
16
00:01:59,740 --> 00:02:00,820
- Okay.
- Mosquito.
17
00:02:00,940 --> 00:02:02,419
- Bite.
- Bite.
18
00:02:02,499 --> 00:02:03,899
- Mosquito.
- Yes. Good one.
19
00:02:03,979 --> 00:02:04,979
- Mosquito.
- Bite.
20
00:02:05,099 --> 00:02:06,099
- Mosquito.
- Bite.
21
00:02:06,219 --> 00:02:07,219
- Mosquito.
- Bite.
22
00:02:07,259 --> 00:02:08,539
- Bite.
- Mosquito.
23
00:02:08,859 --> 00:02:12,059
Very good.
You are a worthy opponent, indeed.
24
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,979
Congratulations. You're hired.
25
00:02:14,099 --> 00:02:17,258
Your first job is to go down to the corner
and tell that hobo
26
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,058
I admire his spirit.
27
00:02:19,178 --> 00:02:21,218
I'm too self-conscious to do it.
28
00:02:21,538 --> 00:02:23,698
Honey, I'm so proud of you.
29
00:02:23,818 --> 00:02:27,738
- You see, Brian, Meg has a job.
- Hey, Meg, if you're working for the Mayor,
30
00:02:27,858 --> 00:02:31,497
you know what that means?
Even you're doing better than Brian.
31
00:02:31,977 --> 00:02:34,577
Hey, everybody, Brian's the new Meg.
32
00:02:36,817 --> 00:02:40,097
Brian's the new Meg. Brian's the new Meg.
33
00:02:40,217 --> 00:02:42,617
- Yeah, you're the new me.
- Shut up, Meg.
34
00:02:46,736 --> 00:02:48,736
Let's go, kids. Time for school.
35
00:02:48,856 --> 00:02:52,256
Lois, I don't want to ruin your morning,
but I flushed a diaper.
36
00:02:52,376 --> 00:02:53,376
It's a mess up there.
37
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:58,335
Brian, what is this? You're driving a cab?
38
00:02:58,455 --> 00:03:01,975
Well, Lois, I realized you were right.
I mean, it's time I went out and got a job.
39
00:03:02,095 --> 00:03:03,815
For God sakes, I'm seven years old.
40
00:03:03,895 --> 00:03:07,095
Seven? That's not bad.
You know, Todd was 15 when he died.
41
00:03:07,215 --> 00:03:08,335
The dog we had before you.
42
00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,414
Hey, Peter, did you call me?
43
00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,294
Yeah, I thought we'd go to the park, Todd.
44
00:03:12,374 --> 00:03:14,814
You're not taking me to the vet, are you?
45
00:03:14,934 --> 00:03:16,854
No, no, just a nice day at the park.
46
00:03:16,974 --> 00:03:19,734
I'm a little worried that
you're gonna have me put down.
47
00:03:19,814 --> 00:03:23,734
I know there's been some concern
about my sphincter's low shutter speed.
48
00:03:23,854 --> 00:03:25,613
No, no, we're just going to the park, Todd.
49
00:03:25,693 --> 00:03:28,253
Okay, well, I'll enjoy the ride, then.
50
00:03:30,373 --> 00:03:32,413
Around the park
one more time, Bitterman.
51
00:03:32,533 --> 00:03:33,733
Peter, I'm not your chauffeur.
52
00:03:33,773 --> 00:03:35,693
Not for long with that attitude, Bitterman.
53
00:03:36,853 --> 00:03:38,212
This is living, Bitterman.
54
00:03:38,292 --> 00:03:41,612
This set of wheels is even better than
those talking cars on that commercial.
55
00:03:42,452 --> 00:03:43,852
Hey, how you doing there?
56
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:47,612
Listen, I couldn't help but notice
you across the parking lot and...
57
00:03:48,332 --> 00:03:50,772
You know, you're very attractive and...
58
00:03:50,892 --> 00:03:53,291
You want to go behind the Applebee's
and do it?
59
00:03:53,371 --> 00:03:57,291
You want to just go have some dirty,
stupid, insane parking-lot sex?
60
00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:00,731
- Chuck, it's me, Morty.
- Yeah, 'cause we could... What?
61
00:04:01,011 --> 00:04:05,250
- Yeah, they had me painted.
- Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed.
62
00:04:05,330 --> 00:04:06,426
- Oh, my...
- Hey, how do you think I feel?
63
00:04:06,450 --> 00:04:08,706
- No, no, that, too, but...
- It's not all about you, you know.
64
00:04:08,730 --> 00:04:10,386
Morty, oh, my God, what are you doing?
Look at you.
65
00:04:10,410 --> 00:04:13,066
Think I was like a birthday present
for the kid or something like that.
66
00:04:13,090 --> 00:04:15,290
Oh, my God, look at you. You're hot.
67
00:04:15,410 --> 00:04:16,586
- I know.
- I would've taken you...
68
00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:17,986
You know what I would've
done to you back there?
69
00:04:18,010 --> 00:04:19,385
- Yeah?
- Why didn't you say something earlier?
70
00:04:19,409 --> 00:04:21,889
- I said all that stuff. God!
- Let's not rule anything out.
71
00:04:24,689 --> 00:04:26,449
- Hey, look, there's Lois.
- Yeah.
72
00:04:26,569 --> 00:04:27,569
Hey, honk the horn.
73
00:04:29,729 --> 00:04:30,889
Hi, Peter.
74
00:04:31,569 --> 00:04:32,648
- Ram her.
- What?
75
00:04:32,768 --> 00:04:35,408
- I said ram her!
- What the hell?
76
00:04:35,568 --> 00:04:36,888
- Now shoot her tires out.
- What?
77
00:04:36,928 --> 00:04:38,088
- You got a gun?
- Well, yeah.
78
00:04:38,208 --> 00:04:40,808
- Every cabbie carries a gun, but...
- Give me the gun.
79
00:04:46,248 --> 00:04:49,167
What the hell is wrong with you, Peter?
You could've killed me!
80
00:04:49,287 --> 00:04:52,647
Yeah, but I got you good, Lois. Admit it.
Just say it, I got you.
81
00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:56,607
All right, you got me.
82
00:04:57,767 --> 00:04:59,967
- I told you.
- Oh, my God.
83
00:05:00,486 --> 00:05:03,486
- Oh, no, what happened here?
- We got into a little accident.
84
00:05:03,566 --> 00:05:05,006
- It's all right.
- Oh, no.
85
00:05:05,126 --> 00:05:08,006
Well, I guess accidents happen
when you least expect them.
86
00:05:08,126 --> 00:05:10,606
That's how come they call them accidents.
87
00:05:10,726 --> 00:05:14,445
Look, you got the community events
corkboard wedged in your grill.
88
00:05:14,725 --> 00:05:15,885
There, that's better.
89
00:05:16,005 --> 00:05:19,845
Don't you all forget to sign up for
the Quahog Community Talent Show.
90
00:05:19,965 --> 00:05:22,925
Talent show? Peter, that could be fun.
91
00:05:23,085 --> 00:05:24,725
Do you think we have
a chance at winning?
92
00:05:24,845 --> 00:05:26,885
Absolutely. I love being around the stage.
93
00:05:26,965 --> 00:05:29,205
Except for that time we went to see
Phantom of the Opera.
94
00:05:34,764 --> 00:05:38,084
Let's see the gross
half of your face! Come on!
95
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:41,483
Let's see the gross half of your face
so I can get out of here!
96
00:05:41,563 --> 00:05:43,323
- That nose better be piggy.
- Shut up.
97
00:05:43,403 --> 00:05:44,403
You shut up.
98
00:05:59,962 --> 00:06:03,122
Oh, your old guitar.
I haven't seen that thing in ages.
99
00:06:03,242 --> 00:06:06,082
Well, Lois, I thought you and me could
do a song for the talent show.
100
00:06:06,162 --> 00:06:08,601
It could be just like the old days
when we used to play.
101
00:06:08,681 --> 00:06:12,241
You remember, Lois?
Remember our band, Handful of Peter?
102
00:06:12,481 --> 00:06:15,241
Hi, there. I'm Peter, and this is Lois.
103
00:06:15,321 --> 00:06:17,281
We want to talk to you
about a friend of ours.
104
00:06:17,401 --> 00:06:18,761
He's not here tonight.
105
00:06:18,881 --> 00:06:20,841
Although, you know,
he's kind of here, Lois.
106
00:06:20,961 --> 00:06:24,120
- You know, you're right. He kind of is.
- Yeah, because he's in our hearts.
107
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,640
This is a song about that man
and his world
108
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,400
that was taken from him.
109
00:07:17,796 --> 00:07:21,116
- They're gone now.
- How could this have happened?
110
00:07:21,196 --> 00:07:22,356
- How?
- How?
111
00:07:22,596 --> 00:07:24,996
I haven't thought about that in years.
112
00:07:25,116 --> 00:07:27,196
You know, it would be fun
to write some new songs.
113
00:07:27,276 --> 00:07:29,676
You know what else is fun?
Watching Mr. Belvedere
114
00:07:29,796 --> 00:07:31,795
without people talking so loud.
115
00:07:31,955 --> 00:07:33,315
So I was thinking we could...
116
00:07:45,154 --> 00:07:47,634
Hello. Hey, Lois, what's up?
117
00:07:47,754 --> 00:07:50,474
Milk? Yeah, I'll pick some up
at the end of my shift.
118
00:07:50,594 --> 00:07:53,114
Gotta go. First fare of the night.
119
00:07:55,354 --> 00:07:58,193
I should really pick up
that milk now before I forget.
120
00:07:59,393 --> 00:08:01,233
You son of a bitch!
121
00:08:03,553 --> 00:08:06,553
Hey, Brian, you see that magazine
cover right there? See who's on it?
122
00:08:06,673 --> 00:08:09,593
- Yeah, that's Jessica Alba.
- Yeah, you want to know a secret, buddy?
123
00:08:09,673 --> 00:08:10,953
- What?
- I would do her.
124
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:12,192
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
125
00:08:12,312 --> 00:08:15,432
I just wanted you to know a little bit
about who I am.
126
00:08:15,552 --> 00:08:16,792
Thanks for the milk, Carl.
127
00:08:18,072 --> 00:08:20,952
What the hell? $400?
128
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:24,752
My God, this is a bigger ripoff than
Peter's Sounds of the Rainforest CD.
129
00:08:25,152 --> 00:08:27,431
This will help us fall asleep, Lois.
130
00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:44,870
All right,
let's get rid of all these trees.
131
00:08:44,990 --> 00:08:47,870
Once they're gone, this'll be
a great place to raise cheap beef.
132
00:08:47,990 --> 00:08:50,070
- Up yours, Sting!
- Yeah, yeah!
133
00:08:50,190 --> 00:08:51,870
Hey, what's that song he does that I hate?
134
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:54,989
- Desert Rose.
- Yeah, yeah, that song sucks.
135
00:08:58,189 --> 00:09:00,789
Meg, I'm going to lunch now,
and I'm having pizza.
136
00:09:00,869 --> 00:09:05,309
So if you see the Noid running around,
tell him if he ruins my pizza's freshness,
137
00:09:05,429 --> 00:09:07,148
I'll snap his neck.
138
00:09:09,348 --> 00:09:12,628
Hey, Meg, I need to see the Mayor
about this $400 parking ticket.
139
00:09:12,708 --> 00:09:16,188
Brian, you can't just barge in here.
You have to make an appointment.
140
00:09:16,308 --> 00:09:18,068
But this is flat-out extortion.
141
00:09:18,148 --> 00:09:21,507
No, it's not. Adam can charge
whatever he wants for a parking ticket.
142
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:23,563
You know, Meg,
that guy's been playing fast and loose
143
00:09:23,587 --> 00:09:25,507
with his position for years now,
and I've had it.
144
00:09:25,627 --> 00:09:28,147
- He's a corrupt bastard.
- That is not true.
145
00:09:28,227 --> 00:09:29,227
Yes, it is.
146
00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:32,067
Somebody's got to stand up
and prove to this town that he's a crook.
147
00:09:32,187 --> 00:09:34,186
And it looks like it has to be me.
148
00:09:35,106 --> 00:09:36,466
What was all the commotion?
149
00:09:36,546 --> 00:09:37,826
Nothing, it was just...
150
00:09:57,545 --> 00:10:00,785
Perhaps it was the Noid
who should've avoided me.
151
00:10:07,304 --> 00:10:08,784
You know what, Brian?
152
00:10:08,864 --> 00:10:11,544
It took me two hours to spell "hat"
with these things.
153
00:10:11,664 --> 00:10:15,024
I finally got the "T" right side up,
and then you come in here...
154
00:10:15,463 --> 00:10:17,863
You're a bastard. Where are you going?
155
00:10:17,943 --> 00:10:21,343
I'm going to expose Mayor West
as the corrupt politician that he is.
156
00:10:21,463 --> 00:10:24,103
I'm on my way to meet a source
who won't talk to me over the phone.
157
00:10:24,183 --> 00:10:26,263
Scandal in Quahog. Count me in.
158
00:10:28,823 --> 00:10:30,982
Oh, my God, speed up, speed up, speed up.
159
00:10:32,062 --> 00:10:35,502
There you are, you honky son of a bitch,
come back here.
160
00:10:41,942 --> 00:10:43,541
Thank you for coming, Deep Throat.
161
00:10:43,661 --> 00:10:45,861
You'll understand if I don't come out
from the shadows.
162
00:10:45,941 --> 00:10:48,701
My identity will be safest
if you never see my face.
163
00:10:48,821 --> 00:10:49,901
Okay.
164
00:10:50,021 --> 00:10:52,621
Mayor West hasn't slept at home
for three nights.
165
00:10:52,741 --> 00:10:54,221
Kermit the Frog?
166
00:10:54,661 --> 00:10:57,140
Somebody talked! No one is safe!
I'm getting out of here!
167
00:10:59,060 --> 00:11:00,340
What's his appeal?
168
00:11:12,459 --> 00:11:13,859
Well, that wasn't very good.
169
00:11:13,979 --> 00:11:15,979
We're never gonna win that talent show.
170
00:11:16,099 --> 00:11:19,179
Hey, now, Peter, you gotta remember
that when we used to write the old songs,
171
00:11:19,299 --> 00:11:21,739
we had a lot of "inspiration," huh?
172
00:11:22,539 --> 00:11:26,578
You know, I think Brian may have some
inspiration in a cigar box under his bed.
173
00:11:26,698 --> 00:11:29,058
I don't know, Lois.
I don't think this is gonna work.
174
00:11:29,138 --> 00:11:31,178
Come on, we can't give up on our goals.
175
00:11:31,298 --> 00:11:32,818
What if Jesus had done that?
176
00:11:37,737 --> 00:11:40,137
Why is the ironing board still out?
177
00:11:42,297 --> 00:11:46,897
That's my favorite picture
of Brian over there on that wall.
178
00:11:47,137 --> 00:11:50,737
He wants to have sex with me so bad.
179
00:11:53,896 --> 00:11:54,896
He's not...
180
00:11:55,056 --> 00:11:57,496
He's not gonna get to.
181
00:12:06,335 --> 00:12:08,455
All right. There he goes. Let's move.
182
00:12:10,215 --> 00:12:11,855
I say, what are we looking for?
183
00:12:11,975 --> 00:12:14,175
I don't know, some proof
of Mayor West's corruption.
184
00:12:15,055 --> 00:12:17,375
Whoa, whoa,
what the hell are you guys doing here?
185
00:12:17,455 --> 00:12:20,134
I'm sorry.
We happen to be here to solve a case.
186
00:12:20,214 --> 00:12:22,134
- We were here first.
- Well,
187
00:12:22,254 --> 00:12:25,414
you know, this is a free country, dude,
and we are here to go to work.
188
00:12:25,534 --> 00:12:27,230
Free country, but this is our beat,
you know?
189
00:12:27,254 --> 00:12:28,590
Yeah, but we are here to go to work.
190
00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:30,350
We've been called,
and that's why we're here.
191
00:12:30,374 --> 00:12:31,294
You know what? I tell you.
192
00:12:31,374 --> 00:12:32,949
How about you just turn around
and walk away?
193
00:12:32,973 --> 00:12:34,749
- No, I don't think so.
- Hey, you know what...
194
00:12:34,773 --> 00:12:37,573
- We do not walk away.
- I'll get you started.
195
00:12:45,853 --> 00:12:48,852
What are you doing here, Brian?
Still trying to smear my boss?
196
00:12:48,972 --> 00:12:52,972
No, no, no. I actually came to my senses
and realized I was out of line.
197
00:12:53,092 --> 00:12:55,052
I'm just here to apologize.
198
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:59,452
Oh, and you're so pretty.
199
00:13:00,371 --> 00:13:04,691
- You're always pretty.
- You guys are so sweet.
200
00:13:05,291 --> 00:13:08,691
- Well, it's my pleasure.
- Hey, can you guys hold on a sec?
201
00:13:08,811 --> 00:13:11,811
- I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting.
- Okay, bye.
202
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:16,170
Aha!
203
00:13:16,210 --> 00:13:19,010
The Mayor's datebook.
This should tell us what we wanna know.
204
00:13:19,090 --> 00:13:20,450
All right, let's get out of here.
205
00:13:20,530 --> 00:13:23,410
Oh, God, I feel more delirious
than my cousin, Stewie Cruise.
206
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:26,330
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
I'm in love with Katie Holmes!
207
00:13:26,410 --> 00:13:28,809
I'm not gay! Go see my new movie!
208
00:13:28,929 --> 00:13:31,089
I'm in love with Katie Holmes! I'm not gay!
209
00:13:33,049 --> 00:13:37,409
All we need is one incriminating entry in
this datebook, and that's our ticket to...
210
00:13:37,609 --> 00:13:40,089
Hey, Brian. What's up?
211
00:13:41,048 --> 00:13:43,408
Hi, Lois, Peter.
212
00:13:43,528 --> 00:13:46,728
Brian, did you know this couch was here?
213
00:13:46,888 --> 00:13:49,408
It's so comfortable.
214
00:13:49,488 --> 00:13:52,128
Hey, Lois, look how short Stewie is.
215
00:13:52,968 --> 00:13:54,807
He's so short.
216
00:13:56,287 --> 00:13:58,727
Oh, my God. He is short.
217
00:14:03,687 --> 00:14:04,687
Hey.
218
00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:06,287
Hey, Brian.
219
00:14:06,807 --> 00:14:09,246
He's knocking on the back door.
220
00:14:09,566 --> 00:14:11,166
What should I do?
221
00:14:11,246 --> 00:14:12,246
What?
222
00:14:12,326 --> 00:14:15,006
He's knocking on the back door.
223
00:14:15,086 --> 00:14:16,606
Should I let him in?
224
00:14:16,726 --> 00:14:18,206
I'm scared.
225
00:14:18,286 --> 00:14:20,446
Well, you two are busy being nude.
226
00:14:20,566 --> 00:14:24,325
So, we'll just head out and
227
00:14:25,085 --> 00:14:27,165
let you be nude.
228
00:14:27,925 --> 00:14:31,805
- Who were those guys?
- I don't know.
229
00:14:31,885 --> 00:14:33,445
Room for one more?
230
00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,724
Well, this is the last
entry in the datebook.
231
00:14:39,844 --> 00:14:43,284
"Super secret meeting at motel.
Inform no one."
232
00:14:43,404 --> 00:14:44,644
I think we got him now.
233
00:14:44,764 --> 00:14:46,780
You know, you really shouldn't
lie on that bedspread.
234
00:14:46,804 --> 00:14:50,083
I saw this report on TV
about how filthy hotel rooms are.
235
00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:51,923
In a moment, we will use the special lights
236
00:14:52,003 --> 00:14:55,843
to see just how filthy
this seemingly clean hotel room really is.
237
00:15:01,763 --> 00:15:03,522
Well? What do you see?
238
00:15:06,002 --> 00:15:09,402
Oh, Jem, you are truly outrageous.
239
00:15:09,522 --> 00:15:11,882
Truly, truly, truly outrageous.
240
00:15:12,322 --> 00:15:15,002
I see a grown man enjoying cartoons.
241
00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:19,961
Well, that's it, then. The only thing
this guy is guilty of is being a whack job.
242
00:15:20,041 --> 00:15:22,041
Wait, wait, wait. Somebody's coming in.
243
00:15:22,161 --> 00:15:23,641
It's just some fat hooker.
244
00:15:24,161 --> 00:15:27,201
- Oh, my God, it's Meg!
- What?
245
00:15:27,321 --> 00:15:29,241
Meg and Adam West. Ew!
246
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:31,840
Sorry, sorry.
247
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,240
God, this is incredible.
248
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:42,320
The Mayor is dating a teenage intern,
and it's Meg.
249
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:43,480
What a story.
250
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:45,639
This is the perfect scandal
to take him down.
251
00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:48,919
- All we need is taped evidence.
- Well, I've got the disguises right here.
252
00:15:51,279 --> 00:15:53,919
I thought you were supposed
to get the suit and the top hat.
253
00:15:54,039 --> 00:15:55,039
I liked this one better.
254
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,959
Anything to wear a dress, huh?
255
00:16:00,118 --> 00:16:02,198
Gosh, you're swell, Meg.
256
00:16:02,318 --> 00:16:04,318
I really have a great time
when I'm with you.
257
00:16:04,438 --> 00:16:06,998
Mayor West, I feel exactly the same way.
258
00:16:07,118 --> 00:16:09,398
Please, please. Call me Mayor ChapStick.
259
00:16:10,238 --> 00:16:12,397
Well, we should probably go.
260
00:16:12,477 --> 00:16:14,397
Here they come. Kiss me.
261
00:16:16,637 --> 00:16:18,437
Come on, we gotta follow them.
262
00:16:19,197 --> 00:16:20,197
Stewie?
263
00:16:20,237 --> 00:16:21,477
Huh? Oh. Oh.
264
00:16:21,597 --> 00:16:23,437
- Everything all right?
- Yeah.
265
00:16:23,517 --> 00:16:24,517
Uh...
266
00:16:24,757 --> 00:16:26,676
Hey, listen, freaking shot in the dark.
267
00:16:26,796 --> 00:16:28,276
You wanna do something sometime?
268
00:16:31,356 --> 00:16:35,196
Great practice, Lois.
We are totally ready for that talent show.
269
00:16:35,356 --> 00:16:37,996
Oh, my God, Peter, I am so wasted.
270
00:16:38,116 --> 00:16:41,555
All I want to do is make cookies.
Oh, my God, I have a great idea.
271
00:16:41,635 --> 00:16:44,035
- Let's make cookies.
- We don't have to, Lois.
272
00:16:44,155 --> 00:16:47,635
Look, there's a magical land
of desserts right behind you.
273
00:16:59,874 --> 00:17:02,034
Help! Stop!
274
00:17:07,513 --> 00:17:11,193
- Oh, Brian. You scared me.
- Another late night, huh?
275
00:17:11,393 --> 00:17:15,033
- Yeah, Mayor West keeps me pretty busy.
- Yeah, I noticed.
276
00:17:17,073 --> 00:17:18,353
Where did you get that?
277
00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:20,353
Meg, what the hell
have you gotten yourself into?
278
00:17:20,432 --> 00:17:22,632
You realize he probably does this
with every new intern.
279
00:17:22,712 --> 00:17:24,912
That's not true. Adam and I are in love.
280
00:17:25,032 --> 00:17:29,032
Don't be ridiculous. Listen,
I'm warning you because I care about you.
281
00:17:29,112 --> 00:17:30,792
I am going to the press with this story,
282
00:17:30,872 --> 00:17:34,151
and when it hits,
it'll be bigger than Uncle Sam's nipples.
283
00:17:34,871 --> 00:17:38,351
- Jeez! What the hell?
- They're called nipples, guys.
284
00:17:38,431 --> 00:17:39,791
They're freaking huge.
285
00:17:39,871 --> 00:17:42,631
You know what? Maybe we can just
all relax and enjoy the sauna.
286
00:17:49,110 --> 00:17:52,110
- I have to tell you something, Adam.
- You're an alien. I know.
287
00:17:52,230 --> 00:17:56,270
No, no, my dog is gonna expose
our relationship to the press.
288
00:17:56,350 --> 00:17:57,550
Well, so what?
289
00:17:59,990 --> 00:18:03,509
I told you that I'd wait for you
until you're 18 or 21.
290
00:18:03,629 --> 00:18:05,989
Or maybe 25,
when you can legally rent a car.
291
00:18:06,069 --> 00:18:07,069
They don't care.
292
00:18:07,149 --> 00:18:08,909
They're gonna make you
look like a monster.
293
00:18:08,989 --> 00:18:09,989
I see.
294
00:18:10,069 --> 00:18:13,189
Well, Meg, I'm a public figure.
I'm used to the tabloids' doodie.
295
00:18:13,269 --> 00:18:14,629
It's you I'm worried about.
296
00:18:14,709 --> 00:18:17,868
You're just a sweet young lady
with her whole life ahead of her.
297
00:18:17,948 --> 00:18:21,548
This story could ruin your future,
and I can't let that happen.
298
00:18:21,748 --> 00:18:24,148
I'll take the fall, no matter what.
299
00:18:26,908 --> 00:18:29,907
Goodbye, Meg.
I'll always value your friendship.
300
00:18:30,387 --> 00:18:32,307
I love you, Mayor ChapStick.
301
00:18:36,467 --> 00:18:39,027
Brian? What are you doing here?
302
00:18:39,147 --> 00:18:41,907
I just wanted to give you this.
303
00:18:42,306 --> 00:18:44,586
I don't think I'll be needing it anymore.
304
00:18:44,706 --> 00:18:46,826
I got so caught up in
taking down Mayor West
305
00:18:46,906 --> 00:18:49,266
that I just lost sight of right and wrong.
306
00:18:49,786 --> 00:18:52,586
- Thank you, Brian.
- Well, can I give you a lift home?
307
00:18:52,666 --> 00:18:53,746
My cab's right outside.
308
00:19:06,025 --> 00:19:07,905
Good evening. I'm Diane Simmons,
309
00:19:08,025 --> 00:19:11,264
and I'd like to welcome you
to Quahog's Fifth Annual Talent Show.
310
00:19:11,344 --> 00:19:14,024
Let's have a round of applause
for our first performer.
311
00:19:20,104 --> 00:19:21,504
Play me off, Johnny.
312
00:19:27,703 --> 00:19:29,823
What else be funny tonight?
313
00:19:30,023 --> 00:19:32,263
Star Jones got married.
That was in the news.
314
00:19:32,383 --> 00:19:36,623
Married a black fellow, which is quite a
surprise because I'd call her quite a catch.
315
00:19:36,703 --> 00:19:40,342
And black guys, by and large,
they're not so helpful on a fishing vessel.
316
00:19:40,462 --> 00:19:42,862
Now, Portuguese, absolutely, absolutely.
317
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:45,742
I even had a couple of Japanese guys
who worked out great.
318
00:19:45,862 --> 00:19:48,502
Thank you very much.
You guys have been terrific.
319
00:19:49,422 --> 00:19:52,141
And now, our final performance
of the night.
320
00:19:52,301 --> 00:19:54,821
Let's hear it for Handful of Peter.
321
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:48,377
I can't believe we lost the talent show.
What'd we do wrong?
322
00:20:48,457 --> 00:20:50,433
Well, Dad, I think I can shed
a little light on that.
323
00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:51,937
You guys were so baked,
324
00:20:52,057 --> 00:20:54,777
you didn't sound anywhere near
as good as you thought you did.
325
00:20:54,857 --> 00:20:55,977
I was in the audience.
326
00:21:06,176 --> 00:21:08,736
And here we thought
the weed was inspiring us.
327
00:21:08,856 --> 00:21:11,136
Well, that's a popular misconception,
Mom and Dad.
328
00:21:11,216 --> 00:21:15,015
But the fact is the chief ingredient
in marijuana is THC,
329
00:21:15,175 --> 00:21:16,535
a mild form of acid,
330
00:21:16,615 --> 00:21:19,135
prolonged usage of which
can cause adverse effects
331
00:21:19,215 --> 00:21:21,695
to your sexual potency,
short-term memory loss,
332
00:21:21,815 --> 00:21:24,455
and can also severely damage
your brain tissue,
333
00:21:24,575 --> 00:21:26,854
central nervous system
and basic motor skills.
334
00:21:26,974 --> 00:21:30,734
To put it simply, Mom and Dad,
there's a reason that they call it dope.
335
00:21:31,374 --> 00:21:33,374
Trying to watch Mr. Belvedere.
336
00:21:33,494 --> 00:21:35,374
So my advice to the two of you would be...