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00:00:01,618 --> 00:00:05,229
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:05,247 --> 00:00:08,398
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,417 --> 00:00:11,826
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,829
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:18,425
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:21,745
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,173 --> 00:00:24,639
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:30,320
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:36,454 --> 00:00:37,703
Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.
11
00:00:37,854 --> 00:00:39,112
Please don't adjust your sets.
12
00:00:39,265 --> 00:00:40,855
I've been sneezing
all over the camera.
13
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That's right. The flu epidemic
has officially hit Quahog.
14
00:00:43,919 --> 00:00:45,711
So, for the rest
of tonight's broadcast,
15
00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:48,622
my mommy will be spoon-feeding
me chicken soup.
16
00:00:48,716 --> 00:00:50,549
-Mommy.
-Tommy.
17
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:52,867
Hey, guys, I brought a sneeze
home from school.
18
00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:54,386
You want to see it?
19
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,870
Ah-ah...
20
00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:59,558
(distorted):
No...!
21
00:00:59,751 --> 00:01:02,394
...choo!
22
00:01:04,923 --> 00:01:07,399
-♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
-("Ode to My Family"
by The Cranberries playing)
23
00:01:07,592 --> 00:01:09,960
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
24
00:01:09,978 --> 00:01:12,404
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
25
00:01:12,597 --> 00:01:15,741
♪ Do, do,
do, do ♪
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00:01:15,934 --> 00:01:17,910
♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
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♪ Do, do,
do, do ♪
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♪ Do, do, do, do ♪
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♪ Do, do,
do, do. ♪
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♪
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(music stops)
32
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:34,835
(groaning)
33
00:01:34,987 --> 00:01:35,819
(sneezes)
34
00:01:36,088 --> 00:01:38,322
Damn it,
who's secretly an X-Man?
35
00:01:38,423 --> 00:01:40,766
You know, I'm actually starting
to not feel well.
36
00:01:40,959 --> 00:01:43,602
Oh, boy. Guess we better
line it up for butt temps.
37
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I'll go first and third.
38
00:01:45,815 --> 00:01:47,347
Peter, you look okay.
Would you mind going out
39
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and grabbing some medicine?
40
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Okay, but if I get a DUI,
it's your fault.
41
00:01:51,636 --> 00:01:52,669
You're drunk?
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00:01:52,729 --> 00:01:54,571
It's after dinner!
43
00:02:04,741 --> 00:02:05,874
(shuts off engine)
44
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,044
Where is everybody?
45
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,374
Hmm.
46
00:02:14,526 --> 00:02:15,950
♪ Glass of cold lemonade ♪
47
00:02:16,286 --> 00:02:18,303
("Where Have All the Cowboys
Gone?" by Paula Cole playing)
48
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♪ I will do the laundry ♪
49
00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:24,977
♪ If you pay all the bills ♪
50
00:02:25,170 --> 00:02:28,814
♪ Where is my John Wayne? ♪
51
00:02:29,007 --> 00:02:32,651
♪ Where is my prairie song? ♪
52
00:02:32,844 --> 00:02:35,912
♪ Where is my happy ending? ♪
53
00:02:35,939 --> 00:02:38,548
♪ Where have
all the cowboys gone? ♪
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(sighs)
Damn it, I give up.
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♪
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Paula Cole!
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Oh, I hate her.
I should've known that.
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00:02:47,084 --> 00:02:48,483
♪ Why don't you stay... ♪
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00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,003
(crickets chirping)
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00:02:51,196 --> 00:02:52,820
Two outs,
bottom of the ninth,
61
00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,822
man on second,
Red Sox down by a run.
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00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:56,675
Peter Griffin down
to his last strike.
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00:02:56,826 --> 00:02:57,901
Here comes the pitch.
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00:02:57,961 --> 00:02:59,903
Strike three, and he knew it.
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00:02:59,963 --> 00:03:01,905
Didn't even get the bat
off his shoulder.
66
00:03:01,924 --> 00:03:05,242
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent down to Triple-A Pawtucket.
67
00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:07,077
Strike three, and he knew it.
68
00:03:07,137 --> 00:03:10,338
Griffin will almost certainly be
sent to Double-A Bristol.
69
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:12,265
Strike three, and he knew it.
70
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,584
Griffin will certainly be sent
to the dirt field
71
00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:16,086
where they filmed The Sandlot.
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00:03:16,188 --> 00:03:18,179
Strike three, and he knew it.
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00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:21,425
Mr. Griffin, maybe it's time
to try a different sport.
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00:03:21,443 --> 00:03:22,701
(shoes squeaking)
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00:03:22,852 --> 00:03:24,352
Five seconds left,
Celtics down by one.
76
00:03:24,413 --> 00:03:25,704
Griffin with a clear line
to the basket.
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Off his foot and out of bounds!
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00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:36,773
(dog panting)
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Stay.
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Sorry, I couldn't find a sitter.
81
00:03:39,762 --> 00:03:42,387
So, I ran some tests
and it's official:
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00:03:42,539 --> 00:03:43,780
you all have the flu.
83
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,724
But luckily
you got here in time.
84
00:03:45,875 --> 00:03:47,392
Doc, this is very important.
85
00:03:47,585 --> 00:03:49,786
How long before
she can make dinner again?
86
00:03:49,805 --> 00:03:51,396
I only know how to make eggs.
87
00:03:51,589 --> 00:03:53,457
Oh, don't worry. Everyone
should make a full recovery
88
00:03:53,517 --> 00:03:54,882
in a couple of days.
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00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,051
Okay, good.
I can egg my way through that.
90
00:03:57,154 --> 00:03:59,053
I actually wanted
to talk to you, Peter.
91
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,481
It's very rare
that someone would be around
92
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,817
so many infected people
and not get sick themselves.
93
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,410
So I went ahead and tested you
94
00:04:05,603 --> 00:04:06,912
and I found something
very interesting.
95
00:04:07,105 --> 00:04:08,247
(dog whimpering)
96
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:10,398
Sadie, quiet.
I'm right here.
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00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,567
Rescues.
Not worth it.
98
00:04:12,628 --> 00:04:14,811
Peter, you appear to have
a very strong immune system.
99
00:04:14,830 --> 00:04:15,812
Kegels.
100
00:04:15,831 --> 00:04:17,089
-What?
-I don't know.
101
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,758
Anyway, this flu season
has decimated the hospital,
102
00:04:19,951 --> 00:04:21,576
and we're
severely short-staffed.
103
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,653
How would you like
to be a male nurse?
104
00:04:23,755 --> 00:04:25,989
Do I get to wear those green
pajama clothes all day?
105
00:04:26,091 --> 00:04:27,824
-Yes.
-I'll do it!
106
00:04:27,884 --> 00:04:29,768
Wow. I've never helped anyone
before.
107
00:04:29,961 --> 00:04:32,662
Well, except for that time I
picked the last piece of bread.
108
00:04:32,723 --> 00:04:34,848
Whoa. You picked me.
109
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,683
I've been skipped and flipped
110
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,351
and reached over so many times,
111
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:39,853
I wasn't sure I'd ever get out.
112
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So, what are you
gonna put on me?
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00:04:41,657 --> 00:04:43,282
Jelly? Cream cheese?
114
00:04:43,433 --> 00:04:44,691
Maybe some nut butters?
115
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,860
Actually, I'm just using you
to squish a spider.
116
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:47,953
Aw.
117
00:04:48,146 --> 00:04:49,955
Yuck.
Yuck, yuck, yuck.
118
00:04:50,148 --> 00:04:52,082
(birds chirping)
119
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:57,687
You know, last week's flu scare
got me thinking.
120
00:04:57,748 --> 00:04:59,781
I don't know anything
about my genetic makeup
121
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,949
or what other illnesses
I might be susceptible to.
122
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:04,210
You know who'd love this story?
Chris.
123
00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:07,306
So, it made me want to do
a 23andMe genetic test.
124
00:05:07,457 --> 00:05:09,533
-Chris!
-It says I'm predisposed
125
00:05:09,593 --> 00:05:10,792
to like caffeine.
126
00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:12,627
So true, so true.
127
00:05:12,688 --> 00:05:14,538
I can't even function
without my caff.
128
00:05:14,598 --> 00:05:15,797
I get all grr.
129
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,207
How many more of these
are there?
130
00:05:17,225 --> 00:05:18,817
Whew, don't have
the Alzheimer's gene.
131
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That's good.
132
00:05:20,896 --> 00:05:22,470
And it says I don't have
the Alzheimer's gene,
133
00:05:22,531 --> 00:05:23,730
so that's good.
134
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:24,823
Hmm.
135
00:05:25,016 --> 00:05:25,915
Wait, what was that?
136
00:05:25,984 --> 00:05:27,409
It was nothing.
137
00:05:28,445 --> 00:05:29,828
Oh, my God. Brian.
138
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You're one percent cat!
139
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And part Black.
140
00:05:34,859 --> 00:05:36,501
-What?!
-Whoa!
141
00:05:36,653 --> 00:05:38,003
I was just kidding
about the Black thing.
142
00:05:38,154 --> 00:05:39,921
That was a test and you...
(blows raspberry)
143
00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:48,254
Morning, family.
144
00:05:48,407 --> 00:05:49,906
I need breakfast stat.
145
00:05:49,925 --> 00:05:51,683
Are you excited for
your first day as a nurse, Dad?
146
00:05:51,876 --> 00:05:53,000
I am. Thanks, Mug.
147
00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:54,019
Meg.
148
00:05:54,212 --> 00:05:56,413
M-Mug...
149
00:05:56,473 --> 00:05:58,506
So, how's this gonna work, Dad?
150
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,007
You don't know anything
about medicine.
151
00:06:00,069 --> 00:06:01,918
Oh, there's a lot more
to being a nurse
152
00:06:01,937 --> 00:06:03,436
than medical mumbo jumbo.
153
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,847
For example,
what's the next holiday?
154
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:06,940
Memorial Day.
155
00:06:07,092 --> 00:06:08,683
-The next one.
-Fourth of July.
156
00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,610
-Say "Christmas."
-Christmas.
157
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:11,853
-(bell jingles)
-Eh?
158
00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:13,279
That's good nursing.
159
00:06:13,374 --> 00:06:14,873
Yeah, I agree with Chris.
160
00:06:15,024 --> 00:06:16,783
I don't think you have
the makeup to be a nurse.
161
00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:18,710
-You're impatient...
-Are you done?
162
00:06:18,862 --> 00:06:20,103
...and you faint
when you see blood.
163
00:06:20,122 --> 00:06:22,631
I got over that.
Pass the ketchup.
164
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,794
"Oh, don't buy a fainting couch,
Stewie.
165
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:31,056
No one in this house is gonna
need a fainting couch, Stewie."
166
00:06:35,587 --> 00:06:37,020
Hey, Stewie.
167
00:06:39,424 --> 00:06:40,457
What was that?
168
00:06:40,475 --> 00:06:41,883
Was that a cat stretch?
169
00:06:41,944 --> 00:06:43,402
Oh, my God,
is that what that looks like?
170
00:06:43,553 --> 00:06:44,719
I mean, you said it.
171
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,054
I guess that DNA report
was right on the money.
172
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,448
Nature over nurture.
173
00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:50,984
(purring)
174
00:06:51,136 --> 00:06:52,727
What are you--
Are you purring?
175
00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:54,487
Do you really think
you're a cat?
176
00:06:54,623 --> 00:06:56,581
Yeah. No, I--
I don't know.
177
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,250
Okay?
I-I just feel different.
178
00:06:58,419 --> 00:06:59,418
I don't care
what that report said.
179
00:06:59,569 --> 00:07:00,902
You're not a cat.
180
00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:03,663
You're what's called
a pretentious absorber.
181
00:07:03,815 --> 00:07:06,073
-What's that?
-You remember
how Madonna lived in London
182
00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:07,984
for, like, a month
and then started talking
183
00:07:08,086 --> 00:07:09,261
with a British accent?
184
00:07:09,454 --> 00:07:10,503
It's that.
185
00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:11,746
If I weren't a cat,
186
00:07:12,007 --> 00:07:13,990
would I be obsessed
with this scratch post?
187
00:07:14,050 --> 00:07:15,508
That's not a scratch post.
188
00:07:15,661 --> 00:07:17,494
That's Meg's leg.
189
00:07:17,554 --> 00:07:19,855
(intensely):
Don't stop.
190
00:07:24,002 --> 00:07:25,852
Peter, welcome
to your first day.
191
00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:28,021
Doc, this may sound silly,
but...
192
00:07:28,173 --> 00:07:30,006
(Southern accent):
what do I do?
193
00:07:30,066 --> 00:07:31,783
As a nurse,
it's important to know
194
00:07:31,935 --> 00:07:33,785
how every department
in a hospital works.
195
00:07:33,978 --> 00:07:36,696
So today I need you
to observe surgery.
196
00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:37,864
(monitor beeping steadily)
197
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,774
PETER:
Boo!
198
00:07:39,910 --> 00:07:43,545
Boo! My sister can attach
ventricles better than you!
199
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:45,855
(chanting):
He's not Jewish!
200
00:07:45,916 --> 00:07:47,357
(clapping rhythmically)
201
00:07:47,417 --> 00:07:48,525
Come on, everybody!
202
00:07:48,543 --> 00:07:50,051
He's not Jewish!
203
00:07:56,201 --> 00:07:57,792
Peter?
What are you doing here?
204
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:58,885
I'm your nurse.
205
00:07:59,170 --> 00:08:02,463
So, what brings you in today,
Mr....
206
00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:04,708
-Quagmire?
-Look, I-I don't
really feel comfortable
207
00:08:04,726 --> 00:08:07,377
sharing my health problems
with one of my buddies.
208
00:08:07,437 --> 00:08:08,520
Can I get a different nurse?
209
00:08:08,672 --> 00:08:09,988
You're in a hospital, Glenn.
210
00:08:10,139 --> 00:08:12,081
Anything you say is private
and confidential
211
00:08:12,150 --> 00:08:14,475
-and legally protected
by HIPAA...
-Don't say it.
212
00:08:14,495 --> 00:08:15,476
...potamus.
213
00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:16,995
What's said here stays here.
214
00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:19,313
-So, what's your problem?
-(sighs)
215
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,725
Okay. So, I was at home
watching Mrs. Fletcher.
216
00:08:21,743 --> 00:08:23,985
-Mm-hmm.
-It's a pretty sexually driven
show,
217
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:26,654
-and it kinda gets me going.
-Right, right.
-(keys clacking, message sends)
218
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,581
-(clacking)
-So, I'm pretty revved up
and I decide to...
219
00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,175
-you know.
-Sure.
-(message sends)
220
00:08:30,585 --> 00:08:30,967
-(phone chiming)
-And I don't have
a prayer of finishing
221
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,513
-Like, weird notches.
-Uh-huh.
222
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:37,407
-So I look over at my side table
and I see the Apple TV remote
-(chiming)
223
00:08:37,425 --> 00:08:39,576
-and I think,
"Well, that could work."
-Right.
224
00:08:39,594 --> 00:08:41,928
-(clacking, sending)
-Before I know it,
I've got six Apple TV remotes
225
00:08:42,080 --> 00:08:43,913
-taped together
and my foot behind my head.
-Got it.
226
00:08:43,974 --> 00:08:45,932
And just as I get everything...
you know...
227
00:08:46,084 --> 00:08:47,917
-(rapid chiming)
-'Kay.
-...Mrs. Fletcher ends
228
00:08:47,936 --> 00:08:49,936
-and Watchmen starts,
which scares me...
-Mm. Wow.
229
00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:52,438
...but now it's too late because
everything's... you know.
230
00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,032
-Oh, my stars.
-(phone buzzes)
231
00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:56,076
Uh, hold on a second.
I got a text.
232
00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:08,621
-What do we got?
-Suspected heart attack.
233
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,106
He's not breathing.
No pulse.
234
00:09:10,166 --> 00:09:11,883
I can save him,
but we got to move fast.
235
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,535
Give me 20cc's
of Music Factory.
236
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:15,554
Clear!
237
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,556
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
238
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:19,040
Again! Clear!
239
00:09:19,101 --> 00:09:21,226
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
240
00:09:21,377 --> 00:09:22,410
Clear!
241
00:09:22,412 --> 00:09:24,120
♪ Everybody dance now! ♪
242
00:09:24,180 --> 00:09:26,356
(beeping to the rhythm
of "Everybody Dance Now")
243
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:30,051
You did it!
Great work.
244
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,403
Don't thank me.
245
00:09:31,596 --> 00:09:33,405
Thank silly '90s songs.
246
00:09:33,556 --> 00:09:34,631
What do we got?
247
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,149
Head injury.
He got knocked down.
248
00:09:36,301 --> 00:09:37,467
We'll get him up again.
249
00:09:37,527 --> 00:09:38,985
I need two milligrams
of Chumba
250
00:09:39,137 --> 00:09:40,537
and one of Wamba!
251
00:09:48,446 --> 00:09:49,421
Oh, hey, Brian.
252
00:09:49,614 --> 00:09:50,589
You want to come up?
253
00:09:50,782 --> 00:09:51,923
Come on up.
254
00:09:52,116 --> 00:09:53,650
Come on up.
Come on.
255
00:09:53,752 --> 00:09:55,594
Right here.
Jump up.
256
00:09:55,745 --> 00:09:56,986
Pss, pss, pss.
(clicking tongue)
257
00:09:57,088 --> 00:09:58,579
Jump up.
(smooching)
258
00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:00,340
Come on.
There's a spot right here.
259
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,991
Come on up.
Be a friend.
260
00:10:02,052 --> 00:10:03,417
Just jump up.
261
00:10:03,437 --> 00:10:05,011
I know
you want to come up here.
262
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,921
Jump the hell up here,
you dope.
263
00:10:06,982 --> 00:10:09,015
I demand that you jump up here
and be a companion.
264
00:10:09,151 --> 00:10:11,501
Be a companion!
Get up here!
265
00:10:11,561 --> 00:10:12,335
Mommy?
266
00:10:12,354 --> 00:10:13,853
All right.
267
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,522
Now I'm gonna scratch
your forehead for a while,
268
00:10:16,675 --> 00:10:18,283
so don't seem
like you like it at first,
269
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:20,952
then suddenly bite my hand
for no reason.
270
00:10:27,077 --> 00:10:29,044
(purring)
271
00:10:33,991 --> 00:10:35,991
Ow! That's it.
I'm gonna go online
272
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,637
and buy you a $70 toy
you'll hate.
273
00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:45,685
Enjoy your soup,
old man whose butt is out.
274
00:10:47,597 --> 00:10:49,648
(gasps)
You!
275
00:10:49,841 --> 00:10:51,524
♪
276
00:10:55,697 --> 00:10:57,972
(coughs)
277
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,991
Geez, what's wrong with you?
We usually start fighting.
278
00:11:00,184 --> 00:11:01,718
I'm dying, Peter.
279
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,386
Oh.
280
00:11:03,488 --> 00:11:04,829
Let me close
your privacy curtains
281
00:11:04,981 --> 00:11:06,890
to make you more comfortable.
282
00:11:06,991 --> 00:11:09,726
(prolonged flatulence)
283
00:11:09,786 --> 00:11:11,086
That feel better?
284
00:11:18,962 --> 00:11:21,846
I'm sorry, Dr. Hartman,
but I can't help this patient.
285
00:11:21,998 --> 00:11:23,515
We're really big rivals.
286
00:11:23,708 --> 00:11:25,684
Peter, if I only helped
people I liked,
287
00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:27,686
everyone in this hospital
would be dead.
288
00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,762
Just do what I do--
help them out,
289
00:11:29,915 --> 00:11:32,582
then angry Footloose dance-out
your frustrations.
290
00:11:32,684 --> 00:11:35,268
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Dr. Hartman, please report
to Cardiology.
291
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:37,086
-Dr. Hartman.
-I got to go.
292
00:11:37,188 --> 00:11:39,155
♪
293
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,944
(wheezes, coughs)
294
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,764
This must make you pretty happy.
(coughs)
295
00:11:47,824 --> 00:11:49,449
Seeing me like this.
296
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,284
I took too much ecstasy
in my 20s,
297
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:52,952
so nothing makes me happy
anymore.
298
00:11:53,088 --> 00:11:55,438
-What's wrong with you anyway?
-Bird flu.
299
00:11:55,498 --> 00:11:56,881
But there's a vaccine for that.
300
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,050
Yeah, loaded with...
(coughs)
301
00:11:59,202 --> 00:12:01,035
mercury and antifreeze.
(coughs)
302
00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,870
No... thank you.
303
00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,782
Ah, I knew I hated you
for a good reason.
304
00:12:05,842 --> 00:12:07,951
This is probably
for the best anyway.
305
00:12:08,011 --> 00:12:09,894
There's nothing left
for me in this world.
306
00:12:10,087 --> 00:12:12,564
I lost my job, I lost my house,
307
00:12:12,757 --> 00:12:14,958
my wife left me
for a bigger cock.
308
00:12:14,976 --> 00:12:17,310
-Cocks are chickens.
-I'm better off dead.
309
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:19,404
Oh, that's sad. I agree.
310
00:12:19,555 --> 00:12:20,888
I guess that means I win, huh?
311
00:12:20,949 --> 00:12:22,815
I guess so.
312
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:26,060
After all these years, who
thought it would end like this?
313
00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,987
Yeah, it's, uh,
kind of anticlimactic.
314
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,914
I always thought
it would end with me
315
00:12:30,107 --> 00:12:31,916
-eating you for Thanksgiving.
-Eating you for Thanksgiving?
316
00:12:32,068 --> 00:12:34,068
Wait. Birds eat people
on Thanksgiving?
317
00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,755
-Yeah.
-Huh. Cool.
318
00:12:36,948 --> 00:12:39,573
Well, a win's a win,
even if it's like this.
319
00:12:39,593 --> 00:12:41,075
And it's too bad.
I had an awesome line
320
00:12:41,136 --> 00:12:43,077
I was gonna say
when I finally beat you.
321
00:12:43,138 --> 00:12:44,821
Oh, yeah? What was it?
322
00:12:44,923 --> 00:12:46,413
(chuckling):
Oh, it was a good one.
323
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:48,475
Say it.
324
00:12:53,890 --> 00:12:55,607
I got to go.
325
00:12:55,758 --> 00:12:58,835
You get five minutes to
say goodbye to your father.
326
00:12:58,895 --> 00:13:00,427
Sup, Ernie?
327
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,906
Holy moly, that's a huge cock.
328
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:10,863
Chris, no footsy
under the table.
329
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:12,457
It's disturbing.
330
00:13:12,608 --> 00:13:13,699
Good evening, family.
331
00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:14,867
Champagne?
332
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,519
Maybe open that facing...
333
00:13:16,538 --> 00:13:19,022
-(yowls)
-Ah, (bleep). My eye!
334
00:13:19,082 --> 00:13:20,690
What are we celebrating?
335
00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,283
Is our IRS audit finally over?
336
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:23,968
Oh, we wish.
337
00:13:24,161 --> 00:13:26,879
Also, we have to put a desk
in the garage and the attic.
338
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,865
Every room needs a desk.
339
00:13:28,883 --> 00:13:30,958
Our house has to be more office
than living space.
340
00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:33,812
Anyway, this champagne
is to celebrate my victory
341
00:13:34,005 --> 00:13:35,629
over the Giant Chicken.
342
00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,798
I saw him at the hospital today.
343
00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:39,984
He's dying, which means
our great feud is finally over,
344
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,878
and I won.
345
00:13:41,938 --> 00:13:43,804
-What feud?
-Wait.
346
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:46,215
-Peter and the Giant Chicken?
-Who?
347
00:13:46,234 --> 00:13:48,827
The Giant Chicken. Come on.
Everybody knows we have a feud.
348
00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:50,887
It's like Bart and Sideshow Bob.
349
00:13:50,989 --> 00:13:54,499
Ooh! I love the Bart
and Sideshow Bob feud!
350
00:13:54,692 --> 00:13:56,984
Multiple episodes
over multiple seasons.
351
00:13:57,045 --> 00:13:59,671
An ongoing story line
with a classic guest star
352
00:13:59,864 --> 00:14:01,898
played by television legend
Kelsey Grammer.
353
00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:03,583
Giant Chicken is classic!
354
00:14:03,718 --> 00:14:05,902
-Who plays him?
-Danny Smith.
355
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,421
-Who?
-Danny Smith.
356
00:14:08,557 --> 00:14:10,756
Any-Anyway, I won.
Another bottle?
357
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,666
-You're the only one...
-(yowls)
358
00:14:12,727 --> 00:14:14,185
(bleep)! My eye!
359
00:14:14,337 --> 00:14:15,912
The Giant Chicken
is really dying?
360
00:14:15,972 --> 00:14:17,838
A-Aren't you gonna help him?
You're a nurse.
361
00:14:17,858 --> 00:14:19,749
-You took an oath.
-Actually, I didn't.
362
00:14:19,809 --> 00:14:22,435
I don't get paid, and they
don't even validate my parking.
363
00:14:22,529 --> 00:14:24,420
What about a GoFundMe?
364
00:14:24,522 --> 00:14:27,348
We're white people. That seems
like the natural response.
365
00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:29,442
No, Lois. I'm not helping him.
He's my enemy.
366
00:14:29,594 --> 00:14:31,018
He gave me a bad coupon
367
00:14:31,079 --> 00:14:33,779
in what online idiots say
was our best season.
368
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:35,856
Unforgivable,
and I say, good riddance.
369
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:37,283
Another bottle?
370
00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:39,102
-Oh, that's me.
-(yowling)
371
00:14:39,162 --> 00:14:40,953
-You dick!
-(yowling)
372
00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,788
You need him, Peter.
373
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:44,865
Everyone needs a rival.
374
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,460
Wilt had Russell,
Bird had Magic,
375
00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:49,220
LeBron has his hairline.
376
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,796
Oh, basketball?
377
00:14:50,949 --> 00:14:53,374
I know hair-related
sports things.
378
00:14:53,435 --> 00:14:57,470
Hate is the most important
emotion in life next to love.
379
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,732
When you have someone to hate,
you have something to live for,
380
00:15:00,925 --> 00:15:02,959
someone to beat at something.
381
00:15:02,977 --> 00:15:07,054
I have blue Subaru 8CXX475.
382
00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,574
It stole my spot
in a Target parking lot
383
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:12,135
on Black Friday three years ago,
384
00:15:12,153 --> 00:15:15,655
and I've carried a D battery
in my pocket every day since.
385
00:15:15,807 --> 00:15:18,065
This is either gonna break
a windshield, teeth,
386
00:15:18,126 --> 00:15:19,900
or in a perfect world, both.
387
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,419
And the thought of that car
388
00:15:21,612 --> 00:15:24,255
somewhere out there gets me up
every morning.
389
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:26,983
Vengeance is a powerful
alarm clock.
390
00:15:27,085 --> 00:15:28,760
If the Giant Chicken dies,
391
00:15:28,953 --> 00:15:31,504
a part of you dies, too, Peter!
392
00:15:31,656 --> 00:15:32,989
And you're gonna be searching
for something
393
00:15:33,007 --> 00:15:36,083
to fill that void
the rest of your life!
394
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:37,918
That's good, Lois,
but I'm not helping him.
395
00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:40,012
-Helping who?
-The Giant Chicken.
396
00:15:40,165 --> 00:15:43,524
(mouth full):
Oh, yeah, your big rival.
397
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,654
Aah! It was my turn.
398
00:15:50,566 --> 00:15:54,619
Now to curl up on a warm
car hood with a book on tape.
399
00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,621
MORGAN FREEMAN:
Garfield Tips the Scales
400
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,957
as read by Morgan Freeman.
401
00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:01,851
"How did you like your lunch,
Garfield?"
402
00:16:01,911 --> 00:16:05,688
"Burp, burp.
I give it two burps."
403
00:16:05,748 --> 00:16:07,448
(laughs)
404
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,116
Hey, what the hell
are you doing?
405
00:16:09,135 --> 00:16:10,969
Oh. Hey, Quagmire.
What, you haven't heard?
406
00:16:11,162 --> 00:16:12,862
I found out I'm a cat.
407
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,031
So, I guess you and I are cool.
408
00:16:15,091 --> 00:16:17,200
(laughs)
I don't care what you did
409
00:16:17,218 --> 00:16:18,810
to convince yourself
that you're a cat.
410
00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:20,536
You're not a cat, Brian.
411
00:16:20,555 --> 00:16:22,963
I think my genetic makeup
would disagree.
412
00:16:23,024 --> 00:16:25,057
Okay, Brian,
if you're really a cat,
413
00:16:25,210 --> 00:16:26,651
prove it
by jumping off your roof.
414
00:16:26,844 --> 00:16:28,653
If you land on your feet,
safe and sound,
415
00:16:28,804 --> 00:16:30,379
I'll agree that you're a cat.
416
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:31,881
That's it? Just jump?
417
00:16:31,941 --> 00:16:33,324
Done.
418
00:16:34,536 --> 00:16:37,870
♪ Blame it on my ADD, baby ♪
419
00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:41,791
♪ Sail... ♪
420
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,088
Not a cat.
421
00:16:53,571 --> 00:16:55,555
(coughing)
422
00:16:56,966 --> 00:16:58,850
Nope.
423
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,479
♪
424
00:17:09,854 --> 00:17:12,012
(laughs)
425
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,615
♪
426
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:31,215
Ah. (laughs)
427
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,384
I'm dying.
428
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,869
You need him, Peter.
429
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:37,555
I haven't been home in years.
430
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:39,223
Oh, my God.
431
00:17:39,416 --> 00:17:42,894
Lois was right.
I have to help him.
432
00:17:43,045 --> 00:17:45,980
-(horns honking)
-Aah! I pushed too far.
433
00:17:49,093 --> 00:17:51,736
Hey, Bri, sorry
that roof jump didn't work out.
434
00:17:51,929 --> 00:17:53,554
I guess you were right about me.
435
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:55,481
I'm just a nobody dog.
436
00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:56,741
Well, since you're going
to be laid up,
437
00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:58,409
I got you another book on tape:
438
00:17:58,602 --> 00:18:01,487
Marmaduke as read
by Benicio Del Toro.
439
00:18:02,740 --> 00:18:04,064
BENICIO DEL TORO:
"Marmaduke, get out
of that bathtub.
440
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,750
You look
like a (bleep) idiot."
441
00:18:05,943 --> 00:18:07,752
Please take this off my head.
442
00:18:07,945 --> 00:18:09,403
Anyway, I just wanted to say
443
00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,904
that you shouldn't need
a DNA report
444
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:13,073
to know who you really are
on the inside,
445
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,668
so I printed out
a new report for you--
446
00:18:15,820 --> 00:18:18,821
a Brian report,
and here are the results.
447
00:18:18,923 --> 00:18:21,599
You're 30% beagle, 20% hound,
448
00:18:21,792 --> 00:18:25,586
15% terrible writer,
18% alcoholic,
449
00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:27,997
ten percent Snoopy and...
450
00:18:28,057 --> 00:18:30,399
two percent great guy.
451
00:18:32,970 --> 00:18:34,520
Thanks, Stewie.
452
00:18:34,656 --> 00:18:37,573
I'm ready for another
Vicodin and peanut butter now.
453
00:18:40,903 --> 00:18:43,037
(beeping slowly)
454
00:18:47,076 --> 00:18:49,352
(monitor flatlines)
455
00:18:49,412 --> 00:18:52,521
Time of death: Bob.
456
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,615
-8:08.
-I know numbers!
457
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:58,027
It's just been revoked.
458
00:18:58,087 --> 00:19:00,546
I think
he uses that wrong a lot.
459
00:19:00,698 --> 00:19:02,974
Come on! You got to live,
damn it! I need you!
460
00:19:03,167 --> 00:19:05,959
You do have
something to live for: me!
461
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:07,887
You hate me, remember?
462
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:09,963
Remember!
463
00:19:10,024 --> 00:19:11,540
-(blows landing)
-Aren't you gonna do something?
464
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:12,966
He's punching a dead patient.
465
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:14,652
Oh, yeah. You're right.
466
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,654
Good idea number 47:
467
00:19:16,805 --> 00:19:19,448
Fight Club,
but with hospital people.
468
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:24,387
(gasps)
469
00:19:24,447 --> 00:19:27,481
(beeping slowly)
470
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:29,058
You...
471
00:19:29,076 --> 00:19:31,485
♪
472
00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,987
...saved me? Why?
473
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:35,731
Because I hate you.
474
00:19:35,791 --> 00:19:38,009
Every day, I wake up not knowing
if you're gonna
475
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,510
come out of nowhere
and punch me in the face.
476
00:19:39,703 --> 00:19:41,587
I flinch
every time a door opens.
477
00:19:41,739 --> 00:19:42,847
I look over my shoulder
478
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:44,924
every time I bend down
to tie my shoes.
479
00:19:45,059 --> 00:19:47,910
And I flip my porch light on
every night before I go to bed
480
00:19:47,970 --> 00:19:50,003
just to see
if you're standing there.
481
00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:52,431
Do you have any idea
how exciting that is?
482
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,434
So I didn't save your life
because I like you.
483
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,511
I saved it because...
484
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,605
because I hate you.
485
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:02,849
I hate you, too, Peter Griffin.
486
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:05,018
Also, if you die,
I'll be solely responsible
487
00:20:05,121 --> 00:20:07,854
for all the destruction
we've caused over the years,
488
00:20:07,916 --> 00:20:10,708
so this decision is both
emotional and financial.
489
00:20:10,859 --> 00:20:12,693
You can give him his medicine
now, Dr. Hartman.
490
00:20:12,754 --> 00:20:14,861
You haven't been giving him
his medicine?!
491
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,673
Nah, I'm scared of needles so
I've been faking all my nursing.
492
00:20:20,002 --> 00:20:21,385
This guy's nuts.
493
00:20:35,092 --> 00:20:37,026
(refrigerator humming)
494
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:45,818
(crickets chirping)
495
00:20:45,912 --> 00:20:47,912
Mmm.
496
00:20:56,163 --> 00:20:57,755
Good.