1 00:00:00,528 --> 00:00:03,873 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:03,874 --> 00:00:07,142 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,177 --> 00:00:10,712 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,748 --> 00:00:13,715 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,751 --> 00:00:17,219 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,254 --> 00:00:20,555 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,591 --> 00:00:22,157 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,192 --> 00:00:23,458 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,494 --> 00:00:24,531 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:24,532 --> 00:00:27,532 ♪ Family Guy 13x10 ♪ Quagmire's Mom Original Air Date on February 8, 2015 11 00:00:27,533 --> 00:00:33,433 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 12 00:00:33,465 --> 00:00:35,933 Hey Lois, can I please have another pancake? 13 00:00:35,968 --> 00:00:37,901 What? What's so funny? 14 00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:39,603 I don't know. Dog eating pancakes. 15 00:00:39,638 --> 00:00:40,838 It's funny. 16 00:00:40,873 --> 00:00:43,307 Mom, I need a check for the school field trip. 17 00:00:43,342 --> 00:00:45,676 Geez, Meg, didn't I just take you on a field trip? 18 00:00:47,046 --> 00:00:48,779 Okay, here's the field! Good-bye forever! 19 00:00:51,417 --> 00:00:53,517 Aah! Meg, I'm injured! 20 00:00:53,552 --> 00:00:55,085 Please help me! 21 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,020 I smell gas! 22 00:00:58,757 --> 00:01:02,226 Meg, I'm still alive, but I'm badly burned! 23 00:01:02,261 --> 00:01:05,529 Come save my life and nurse me back to health! 24 00:01:05,564 --> 00:01:10,200 Oh, God, why do bad things happen to good people?! 25 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,835 Here, sweetie, I'll write you a check. 26 00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,237 No, no, I got it, Lois. 27 00:01:13,272 --> 00:01:14,671 Let me just lick my thumb 28 00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:18,108 'cause that's what people do before they write a check. 29 00:01:18,143 --> 00:01:21,979 Okay, now let me tilt my glasses down and ask the date. 30 00:01:22,014 --> 00:01:24,348 What's the date today? 31 00:01:24,383 --> 00:01:26,750 Dad, why don't your checks have any writing on them? 32 00:01:26,785 --> 00:01:28,886 Why don't your shelves have any trophies on 'em? 33 00:01:28,921 --> 00:01:33,156 I've obviously caught you at a bad time. 34 00:01:33,192 --> 00:01:35,225 Lois, why don't my checks have any writing on them? 35 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,294 Well, Peter... What? 36 00:01:37,329 --> 00:01:40,898 That's just a wide pad of Post-its I gave you. 37 00:01:42,568 --> 00:01:44,868 What?! So that million dollar check 38 00:01:44,904 --> 00:01:46,637 you gave me yesterday is no good? 39 00:01:46,672 --> 00:01:48,705 I quit my job, man! 40 00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:52,276 I will not see you Monday! 41 00:01:52,311 --> 00:01:53,443 What the hell, Lois? 42 00:01:53,479 --> 00:01:54,878 Why don't I have a real checkbook? 43 00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:56,546 Peter, where do checks come from? 44 00:01:56,582 --> 00:01:59,783 Uh... when a mommy and daddy love each other? 45 00:01:59,818 --> 00:02:00,984 That's why. 46 00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:03,654 Lois, I want my own checkbook, and I want it now! 47 00:02:03,689 --> 00:02:05,656 Ooh, I like when Dad talks tough. 48 00:02:05,691 --> 00:02:07,457 He sounds like Dirty Harry. 49 00:02:07,493 --> 00:02:09,359 You got to ask yourself one question. 50 00:02:09,395 --> 00:02:11,328 "Do I feel lucky?" 51 00:02:11,363 --> 00:02:13,397 Well, do ya, punk? 52 00:02:13,432 --> 00:02:15,432 Oh, Mr. Harry, 53 00:02:15,467 --> 00:02:18,335 you're really not gonna like what I have to say. 54 00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:24,441 Hi. What can I do for you? 55 00:02:24,476 --> 00:02:26,209 Yes, I was wondering, where is the room 56 00:02:26,245 --> 00:02:28,178 where I can roll around nude with my money? 57 00:02:28,213 --> 00:02:29,346 I'm sorry? 58 00:02:29,381 --> 00:02:31,481 No, I'm sorry. I thought this was a bank. 59 00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:32,849 I'll handle this. 60 00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:35,118 My husband wants to open a checking account. 61 00:02:35,154 --> 00:02:37,487 Okay, well, first, I'll need to see a photo I.D. 62 00:02:37,523 --> 00:02:38,722 and a birth certificate. 63 00:02:38,757 --> 00:02:39,923 Of course. 64 00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,426 I keep all my important papers in my bosom. 65 00:02:43,996 --> 00:02:47,030 Okay, "Justin... Peter... Griffin." 66 00:02:47,066 --> 00:02:48,966 It's actually just Peter Griffin. 67 00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:52,703 So, this is not your birth certificate? 68 00:02:54,907 --> 00:02:56,073 Oh, my God! 69 00:02:56,108 --> 00:02:57,708 Your first name is Justin?! 70 00:02:57,743 --> 00:02:58,976 It is?! 71 00:02:59,011 --> 00:03:00,644 Wow, I never noticed that! 72 00:03:00,679 --> 00:03:02,279 "Justin Griffin." 73 00:03:02,314 --> 00:03:04,281 Huh, I like the sound of that. 74 00:03:04,316 --> 00:03:05,615 I'm a Justin! 75 00:03:05,651 --> 00:03:07,751 This is awesome! This changes everything! 76 00:03:07,786 --> 00:03:09,252 Peter, it doesn't change a thing. 77 00:03:09,288 --> 00:03:11,088 You're still the exact same person. 78 00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:13,557 I beg to differ. 79 00:03:17,463 --> 00:03:21,431 And now, international news from Al Jarreau Jazeera. 80 00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:23,700 ♪ Car bombing in Syria ♪ 81 00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:26,169 ♪ Skididdly boom-bop a Dee, yeah ♪ 82 00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:28,638 ♪ 37 people killed ♪ 83 00:03:28,674 --> 00:03:32,175 ♪ Ooh, the people are dead. ♪ 84 00:03:32,211 --> 00:03:33,844 Hey, Lois, you seen my hiking boots? 85 00:03:33,879 --> 00:03:35,612 I need 'em later for park soccer. 86 00:03:35,647 --> 00:03:37,781 Peter, why the hell do you look like that? 87 00:03:37,816 --> 00:03:39,016 Uh, my name isn't Peter. 88 00:03:39,051 --> 00:03:40,317 My name is Justin. 89 00:03:40,352 --> 00:03:44,287 I'm living a Justin lifestyle, and so is my family. 90 00:03:44,323 --> 00:03:46,289 You want to go to a concert? Huh? 91 00:03:46,325 --> 00:03:48,225 Want to go to a loud concert? 92 00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:49,526 No. 93 00:03:49,561 --> 00:03:51,395 Since I'm your cool father Justin, 94 00:03:51,430 --> 00:03:53,730 we should bond with skin-to-skin contact. 95 00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:55,432 How about Justin takes his shirt off, 96 00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:58,301 and we can get some photos of you on Justin's belly? 97 00:04:00,572 --> 00:04:02,205 Your heartbeat is weird. 98 00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:04,207 It is not consistent at all. 99 00:04:04,243 --> 00:04:06,543 Okay, let's go for a ride in my open Jeep. 100 00:04:06,578 --> 00:04:09,613 I took the doors off, so it's extra terrifying. 101 00:04:09,648 --> 00:04:12,616 Geez, this "Justin" phase of Dad's is kind of weird. 102 00:04:12,651 --> 00:04:15,585 Eh, not as weird as his karaoke phase. 103 00:04:16,622 --> 00:04:18,588 Peter, did you throw up in the sink? 104 00:04:22,628 --> 00:04:24,628 Peter? 105 00:04:26,198 --> 00:04:28,198 ♪ ♪ 106 00:04:40,879 --> 00:04:42,879 ♪ ♪ 107 00:04:53,659 --> 00:04:55,659 ♪ ♪ 108 00:05:24,056 --> 00:05:25,956 ♪ Out here in the fields ♪ 109 00:05:25,991 --> 00:05:28,272 Yeah, that was me, I was the one who threw up in the sink. 110 00:05:28,293 --> 00:05:31,361 ♪ I farm for my meals... ♪ 111 00:05:35,234 --> 00:05:36,867 Dad, what are you doing in here? 112 00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:37,902 Oh, hey, Chris. 113 00:05:37,903 --> 00:05:39,369 I just figured now that I'm Justin, 114 00:05:39,404 --> 00:05:41,371 I should start a "Sweet News" wall 115 00:05:41,406 --> 00:05:43,173 for stuff I think is totally sweet. 116 00:05:43,208 --> 00:05:46,009 Big puffy clouds are very sweet. 117 00:05:46,044 --> 00:05:47,044 Big hamburgers. 118 00:05:47,045 --> 00:05:48,345 Small hamburgers, too. 119 00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:50,013 Sliders, I think they're called. 120 00:05:50,048 --> 00:05:51,181 Ranch. 121 00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:52,682 Here's just a picture of a vest. 122 00:05:52,718 --> 00:05:54,017 Pretty sweet. 123 00:05:54,052 --> 00:05:57,187 Palm trees are very sweet, 'cause, like, the beach. 124 00:05:57,222 --> 00:05:58,855 This is my room, Dad. 125 00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:01,625 The band Guster is the sweetest band of all time. 126 00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:04,628 It was tough, 'cause I had to move all my O.A.R. stuff 127 00:06:04,663 --> 00:06:06,296 to fit the Guster stuff. 128 00:06:06,331 --> 00:06:08,031 Peter, get out of Chris's room. 129 00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:09,199 Oh, hey Mama. 130 00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:10,934 Hey, you seen my copy of Into the Wild? 131 00:06:10,969 --> 00:06:13,203 I like to have it on my person at all times, 132 00:06:13,238 --> 00:06:15,038 in case I need a quick "inspo sesh." 133 00:06:15,073 --> 00:06:17,707 Oh, did I tell you I'm gonna be doing a lot of abbreve's? 134 00:06:17,743 --> 00:06:19,042 Peter, you sound like an idiot. 135 00:06:19,077 --> 00:06:21,545 And did you put a skateboard in the washing machine? 136 00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:23,713 It's gonna cost several hundred dollars to repair. 137 00:06:23,749 --> 00:06:24,881 How we do, Lois. 138 00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:26,049 All we do. 139 00:06:26,084 --> 00:06:28,051 You ever get in the pocket of a wave? 140 00:06:28,086 --> 00:06:29,386 Peter, you know I haven't. 141 00:06:29,421 --> 00:06:31,221 And I know for a fact that you haven't, either. 142 00:06:31,256 --> 00:06:32,256 In the pocket. 143 00:06:32,257 --> 00:06:33,723 Some gnarlies out there. 144 00:06:33,759 --> 00:06:35,058 Some "gnar-gnars." 145 00:06:35,093 --> 00:06:36,393 Was in one today. 146 00:06:36,428 --> 00:06:38,228 It's like the rest of the world just shuts off, 147 00:06:38,263 --> 00:06:40,730 and all that matters is you and Lady Blue. 148 00:06:40,766 --> 00:06:42,732 And you know what she said to me? 149 00:06:42,768 --> 00:06:45,068 "You're great." 150 00:06:45,103 --> 00:06:46,403 Keep it cool, Lois. 151 00:06:46,438 --> 00:06:48,939 K-E-W-L. 152 00:06:57,950 --> 00:06:59,583 So, you want to go upstairs? 153 00:06:59,618 --> 00:07:00,684 Sure. 154 00:07:00,719 --> 00:07:01,719 Great. 155 00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:02,720 Go. 156 00:07:04,089 --> 00:07:06,056 Hey, Justin, I wanted to introduce you to Keira. 157 00:07:06,091 --> 00:07:08,391 She's the one who brought four loose Sierra Nevadas. 158 00:07:08,427 --> 00:07:09,559 Keira! 159 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:12,429 You totally rock for bringing those. 160 00:07:12,464 --> 00:07:14,831 Peter, what the hell is going on?! 161 00:07:14,866 --> 00:07:16,833 Oh, dude, is that your mom? 162 00:07:16,868 --> 00:07:18,835 No, I'm not his mom, you little bastard. 163 00:07:18,870 --> 00:07:22,405 That "little bastard" knows how to smoke pot out of an apple. 164 00:07:22,441 --> 00:07:24,441 All right, everyone out of here. 165 00:07:27,012 --> 00:07:29,312 I've had enough of this "Justin" nonsense. 166 00:07:29,348 --> 00:07:30,814 Tomorrow we're going to city hall 167 00:07:30,849 --> 00:07:32,816 to legally change your name back to "Peter." 168 00:07:32,851 --> 00:07:34,484 All right, fine. 169 00:07:34,519 --> 00:07:37,487 But I got to say, being Justin was quite an adventure. 170 00:07:37,522 --> 00:07:39,956 Like when I found where the Wild Things were. 171 00:07:44,329 --> 00:07:45,629 I owe you, Max. 172 00:07:45,664 --> 00:07:46,963 You led me right to 'em. 173 00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:50,133 All right, now help me grind their horns into boner pills. 174 00:07:53,839 --> 00:07:56,306 Keira, that was an amazing night. 175 00:07:56,341 --> 00:07:57,707 Sorry I can't drive you to work. 176 00:07:57,743 --> 00:07:59,676 I gotta go sit in my den until you leave. 177 00:07:59,711 --> 00:08:00,810 Oh, that's okay. 178 00:08:00,846 --> 00:08:02,145 I'll just take the school bus. 179 00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:03,813 Wait... what?! 180 00:08:03,849 --> 00:08:05,815 You-you drive a school bus? 181 00:08:05,851 --> 00:08:08,151 No, silly, I take the bus. 182 00:08:08,186 --> 00:08:09,486 I'm in high school. 183 00:08:09,521 --> 00:08:10,521 What the hell?! 184 00:08:10,522 --> 00:08:11,655 You said you were 23! 185 00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:13,490 Yeah, and you said you loved me. 186 00:08:13,525 --> 00:08:14,991 Well, I guess you got me there. 187 00:08:17,562 --> 00:08:19,863 Hey, Quagmire, sorry to bother you, 188 00:08:19,898 --> 00:08:21,865 but we're following up on a tip. 189 00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:23,867 Did you have sex with this underage girl? 190 00:08:23,902 --> 00:08:26,870 I don't want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit. 191 00:08:26,905 --> 00:08:29,739 Quagmire, I'm afraid you're under arrest for statutory rape. 192 00:08:30,976 --> 00:08:32,809 All right, but let me just send the pictures 193 00:08:32,844 --> 00:08:34,878 I took of her last night to all my friends. 194 00:08:37,316 --> 00:08:38,316 Oh, yeah! 195 00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:39,317 Boom! 196 00:08:39,318 --> 00:08:40,318 You're disgusting. 197 00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:41,484 Take him away. 198 00:08:41,520 --> 00:08:43,520 We've got all the awesome evidence we need. 199 00:08:52,055 --> 00:08:54,356 "Hello, my name is Glenn Quagmire. 200 00:08:54,391 --> 00:08:56,691 "I am a neighbor of yours on Spooner Street. 201 00:08:56,727 --> 00:08:59,461 I am here to inform you that I am a sex offender." 202 00:08:59,496 --> 00:09:01,963 It seems as though you could have had some of that memorized. 203 00:09:01,999 --> 00:09:03,965 Glenn, what the hell's going on? 204 00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:05,634 It turns out that girl I took home 205 00:09:05,669 --> 00:09:07,502 from Peter's party last night is in high school. 206 00:09:07,538 --> 00:09:08,970 Oh, my God! 207 00:09:09,006 --> 00:09:11,473 Does this mean you're gonna move to Europe to make movies? 208 00:09:11,508 --> 00:09:14,309 How in the world did you not know she was underage? 209 00:09:14,344 --> 00:09:16,812 Well, in retrospect, she did ask a lot of questions 210 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,113 about To Kill a Mockingbird. 211 00:09:18,148 --> 00:09:19,347 Should have sent her my way. 212 00:09:19,383 --> 00:09:20,482 I love that book. 213 00:09:20,517 --> 00:09:22,951 Oh, Gregory Peck-- whew! 214 00:09:22,986 --> 00:09:25,287 Anyway, now I gotta go in front of a judge. 215 00:09:25,322 --> 00:09:26,322 Really? 216 00:09:26,323 --> 00:09:27,455 Number one or number two? 217 00:09:27,491 --> 00:09:29,958 Our judicial system is so broken. 218 00:09:29,993 --> 00:09:32,294 No, Peter-- Glenn has to go to court. 219 00:09:32,329 --> 00:09:33,461 That's right. 220 00:09:33,497 --> 00:09:35,463 And there's not even a defense for statutory rape. 221 00:09:35,499 --> 00:09:37,966 Once the girl proves her age, that's it-- you're guilty. 222 00:09:38,001 --> 00:09:39,634 You know what I tried today? 223 00:09:39,670 --> 00:09:40,670 A fig. 224 00:09:40,671 --> 00:09:41,991 I have a hearing tomorrow morning. 225 00:09:42,005 --> 00:09:43,471 I may have to go to jail. 226 00:09:43,507 --> 00:09:46,141 My only hope for leniency is to bring in character witnesses 227 00:09:46,176 --> 00:09:48,810 and show the court I'm not the monster they say I am. 228 00:09:48,846 --> 00:09:51,146 Well, Peter would be happy to support you. 229 00:09:51,181 --> 00:09:52,314 Yeah, you betcha, Quagmire. 230 00:09:52,349 --> 00:09:53,349 I'm very persuasive. 231 00:09:53,350 --> 00:09:54,649 That's why I was so good 232 00:09:54,685 --> 00:09:56,651 at selling low-cost car insurance. 233 00:09:58,355 --> 00:10:00,322 White-trash rates from an army guy. 234 00:10:00,357 --> 00:10:02,157 Here is a penguin, don't know why. 235 00:10:02,192 --> 00:10:03,658 The General Car Insurance. 236 00:10:03,694 --> 00:10:06,094 It'll worry whoever you hit. 237 00:10:11,335 --> 00:10:14,302 I can't believe Quagmire and that girl had sex. 238 00:10:14,338 --> 00:10:16,471 Which is hugging someone really hard with your legs. 239 00:10:16,506 --> 00:10:17,806 Nope. 240 00:10:17,841 --> 00:10:19,641 Well, you'll tell me if I get it, though, right? 241 00:10:19,676 --> 00:10:21,142 Yeah, I'll tell you if you get it. 242 00:10:21,178 --> 00:10:22,310 Okay, I'm gonna get it. 243 00:10:22,346 --> 00:10:23,986 Now, Mr. Griffin, I understand you're here 244 00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:25,814 to speak on Mr. Quagmire's behalf. 245 00:10:25,849 --> 00:10:27,148 That's right, Your Honor. 246 00:10:27,184 --> 00:10:29,150 And as we know, according to Game of Thrones, 247 00:10:29,186 --> 00:10:31,653 if the girl has had her blood, she is good to go. 248 00:10:31,688 --> 00:10:33,021 Has the girl had her blood? 249 00:10:33,056 --> 00:10:34,189 Answer the question. 250 00:10:34,224 --> 00:10:36,324 Mr. Griffin, she was underage. 251 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,928 Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire was born on February 29th. 252 00:10:39,963 --> 00:10:42,030 Ergo, he's only 12. 253 00:10:42,065 --> 00:10:44,032 Ergo, the girl raped him. 254 00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:45,767 Argo, Ben Affleck. 255 00:10:50,140 --> 00:10:51,606 Mr. Griffin, do you have any evidence 256 00:10:51,642 --> 00:10:54,409 that is not based on film or television? 257 00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:56,211 I don't know. Why don't you ask 258 00:10:56,246 --> 00:10:58,880 all these letters to Santa Claus? 259 00:11:00,484 --> 00:11:02,684 Something's going on. 260 00:11:02,719 --> 00:11:04,252 We haven't gotten mail in a week. 261 00:11:04,288 --> 00:11:06,054 I-- I haven't gotten mail in a week. 262 00:11:06,089 --> 00:11:08,123 Nobody writes you. 263 00:11:10,327 --> 00:11:13,228 Officer Swanson, I'll remind you that you are under oath. 264 00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:14,429 Now, please tell us 265 00:11:14,464 --> 00:11:16,898 what Mr. Quagmire said he did with the girl. 266 00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:18,466 He, uh, 267 00:11:18,502 --> 00:11:21,870 said he gave her a Frosty Jim. 268 00:11:21,905 --> 00:11:23,638 And can you please explain to the courtroom 269 00:11:23,674 --> 00:11:26,408 what a Frosty Jim is. 270 00:11:26,443 --> 00:11:27,876 Uh... 271 00:11:27,911 --> 00:11:29,444 Sir, you're under oath. 272 00:11:29,479 --> 00:11:31,546 Well, it's when you urinate in a condom, 273 00:11:31,581 --> 00:11:34,382 and tie it off, freeze it, 274 00:11:34,418 --> 00:11:36,384 and then the woman, um, 275 00:11:36,420 --> 00:11:37,819 pretends it's a man. 276 00:11:37,854 --> 00:11:40,055 Thank you. He's a good guy! 277 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:46,761 Mr. Brown, can you please state your occupation for the court? 278 00:11:46,797 --> 00:11:49,497 Aw, come on, man, you didn't ask anyone else to do that! 279 00:11:49,533 --> 00:11:50,999 Why am I on trial?! 280 00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:53,568 He's the one that mushed hisself on a child! 281 00:11:53,603 --> 00:11:55,337 When are we gonna see this chick? 282 00:11:55,372 --> 00:11:57,138 Okay, enough! No more help! 283 00:11:57,174 --> 00:12:00,075 I'm taking this Bible. 284 00:12:00,110 --> 00:12:02,110 You want to know what kind of person Glenn Quagmire is? 285 00:12:02,145 --> 00:12:03,645 You want to know what made me the person I am? 286 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,480 Then put me on the stand. 287 00:12:05,515 --> 00:12:07,916 Lois, can I play Angry Birds on your phone? 288 00:12:07,951 --> 00:12:10,085 Okay, but only with the sound off. 289 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,920 Fine. I'll just do it with my mouth. 290 00:12:11,955 --> 00:12:12,988 Pa-shooo! 291 00:12:18,628 --> 00:12:20,595 Please, go ahead, Mr. Quagmire. 292 00:12:20,630 --> 00:12:23,231 Look, I know everyone's sitting out there judging me today. 293 00:12:23,266 --> 00:12:25,233 But before you do, please know 294 00:12:25,268 --> 00:12:27,469 I had it pretty rough growing up. 295 00:12:27,504 --> 00:12:30,605 My dad was a military man, so he wasn't around much. 296 00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,407 And my mom, well, let's just say, 297 00:12:32,442 --> 00:12:34,142 she was a little promiscuous. 298 00:12:34,177 --> 00:12:37,479 In fact, I think my problems started the day I was born. 299 00:12:37,514 --> 00:12:39,347 Wah! Wah! Wah! 300 00:12:39,383 --> 00:12:42,050 It's a boy, Mrs. Quagmire. 301 00:12:42,085 --> 00:12:43,318 Oh, that's wonderful! 302 00:12:43,353 --> 00:12:44,386 How do you feel? 303 00:12:44,421 --> 00:12:46,421 Horny. Really horny. 304 00:12:46,456 --> 00:12:49,424 Could you put him back so I can push him out again? 305 00:12:49,459 --> 00:12:52,027 I was born nine times that day. 306 00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:53,695 And things never got easier. 307 00:12:53,730 --> 00:12:55,797 The only way I learned my ABC's was by learning 308 00:12:55,832 --> 00:12:58,700 the names of all the guys my mom slept with. 309 00:12:58,735 --> 00:13:01,336 ♪ Art, Bob, Chet, Don, Ed, Frank, Gus ♪ 310 00:13:01,371 --> 00:13:04,939 ♪ Hal, Irv, John, Ken, Lew-Matt-Ned-Ox-Pat ♪ 311 00:13:04,975 --> 00:13:08,343 ♪ Quint, Ron, Sam, Tom, Ulf, Vic ♪ 312 00:13:08,378 --> 00:13:11,713 ♪ Walter, Xavier, Yaz and Zeke ♪ 313 00:13:11,748 --> 00:13:15,183 ♪ Those are just some of the guys ♪ 314 00:13:15,218 --> 00:13:19,120 ♪ There are lots of other guys. ♪ 315 00:13:19,156 --> 00:13:20,321 It was awful. 316 00:13:20,357 --> 00:13:22,157 I didn't even get to go to my high school prom. 317 00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:23,792 But my mom did. 318 00:13:24,828 --> 00:13:27,228 Hey, is Crystal ready? 319 00:13:27,264 --> 00:13:28,630 Oh, hi, Ronnie. 320 00:13:28,665 --> 00:13:30,698 Hey, listen, have my mom home by midnight, okay? 321 00:13:30,734 --> 00:13:33,401 How about I plow her in the limo and have her home in 20 minutes? 322 00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:36,671 Ah, come on, Ronnie, she bought the dress. 323 00:13:36,706 --> 00:13:38,840 So, you see, Your Honor, thanks to my mom, 324 00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:41,576 I never had a chance to be like everyone else. 325 00:13:41,611 --> 00:13:43,745 My misguided carnal instincts are the result 326 00:13:43,780 --> 00:13:46,014 of being raised by a sexual deviant. 327 00:13:46,049 --> 00:13:47,782 All I'm asking is that you give me 328 00:13:47,818 --> 00:13:50,585 the break that my childhood never did. 329 00:13:53,657 --> 00:13:56,391 Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes. 330 00:13:58,628 --> 00:14:01,029 Mr. Quagmire, your story is a sad one, 331 00:14:01,064 --> 00:14:03,431 but that doesn't excuse your actions. 332 00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:06,901 I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison. 333 00:14:08,905 --> 00:14:10,905 Oh, no you don't! 334 00:14:12,642 --> 00:14:13,642 Mom?! 335 00:14:13,677 --> 00:14:14,943 Crystal? 336 00:14:14,978 --> 00:14:18,279 Ha! She's enjoyed many men. 337 00:14:24,309 --> 00:14:26,042 Mom, what are you doing here? 338 00:14:26,078 --> 00:14:27,978 Do you know I'm carrying three handguns, 339 00:14:28,013 --> 00:14:30,514 and the metal detectors picked up nothing? 340 00:14:30,549 --> 00:14:32,382 Your Honor, as the defendant's mother, 341 00:14:32,418 --> 00:14:35,118 I ask that you show mercy on him. 342 00:14:35,154 --> 00:14:37,854 Well, as the victim's mother, I ask that you go to hell! 343 00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:38,989 Where is your daughter? 344 00:14:39,024 --> 00:14:40,557 Show her to us! 345 00:14:40,592 --> 00:14:42,993 Your Honor, I have renounced my sinful past, 346 00:14:43,028 --> 00:14:44,861 and have been washed in the blood 347 00:14:44,897 --> 00:14:47,164 of the Lord Jesus Christ. 348 00:14:47,199 --> 00:14:48,199 You what?! 349 00:14:48,233 --> 00:14:49,399 I have seen the righteous path 350 00:14:49,435 --> 00:14:50,834 of our Savior, and ask that you 351 00:14:50,869 --> 00:14:52,469 not sentence my son to jail, 352 00:14:52,504 --> 00:14:55,238 but instead release him to my custody so that I, 353 00:14:55,274 --> 00:14:58,708 with God's guidance, can rehabilitate him. 354 00:14:58,744 --> 00:15:01,144 Wow, Quagmire's mom is a Jesus freak. 355 00:15:01,180 --> 00:15:02,813 I haven't been this surprised since we went 356 00:15:02,848 --> 00:15:04,815 to that restaurant on my birthday. 357 00:15:04,850 --> 00:15:07,451 All right, guys, let's pay the check and get out of here. 358 00:15:07,486 --> 00:15:09,920 ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪ 359 00:15:09,955 --> 00:15:11,321 You guys! 360 00:15:11,356 --> 00:15:13,957 ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪ 361 00:15:13,992 --> 00:15:17,327 ♪ Happy Birthday, dear Peter ♪ 362 00:15:17,362 --> 00:15:20,530 ♪ Happy Birthday to you. ♪ 363 00:15:22,401 --> 00:15:24,434 Aren't you gonna blow out your candles, Peter? 364 00:15:24,470 --> 00:15:26,770 Mom, I think something's wrong with Dad. 365 00:15:26,805 --> 00:15:29,473 Peter? Peter?! 366 00:15:29,508 --> 00:15:31,308 Oh, my God! Help! 367 00:15:31,343 --> 00:15:33,076 Someone call 911! 368 00:15:33,111 --> 00:15:34,244 It's okay, ma'am. 369 00:15:34,279 --> 00:15:36,680 This happens here at Bennigan's all the time. 370 00:15:40,118 --> 00:15:41,718 How long does this last? 371 00:15:41,753 --> 00:15:42,919 Hard to say. 372 00:15:42,955 --> 00:15:44,955 It's best to just move on. 373 00:15:52,731 --> 00:15:55,265 I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire, but my sentence stands. 374 00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:56,867 20 years. 375 00:15:56,902 --> 00:15:58,768 Mr. Quagmire, I'll give you 24 hours 376 00:15:58,804 --> 00:16:00,136 to get your affairs in order. 377 00:16:00,172 --> 00:16:02,072 Oh, my God. 378 00:16:02,107 --> 00:16:03,507 Ah, don't think of it as 20 years. 379 00:16:03,542 --> 00:16:04,941 Think of it as two ten-year-olds, 380 00:16:04,977 --> 00:16:06,743 you sick freak. 381 00:16:10,115 --> 00:16:12,916 God, 20 years. 382 00:16:12,951 --> 00:16:14,784 I know this is a hard time for you, 383 00:16:14,820 --> 00:16:16,586 but you need to seek forgiveness. 384 00:16:16,622 --> 00:16:18,622 You need to kneel before Jesus. 385 00:16:18,657 --> 00:16:20,457 Oh, he's gonna be kneeling in front of a lot of guys, 386 00:16:20,492 --> 00:16:22,092 but I doubt he'll catch their names. 387 00:16:22,127 --> 00:16:24,528 It's usually somebody pushing your skull in the dark. 388 00:16:24,563 --> 00:16:26,229 There are really no introductions. 389 00:16:26,265 --> 00:16:29,900 Remember, He is inside you all the time. 390 00:16:29,935 --> 00:16:31,735 Oh, n-now she's just setting me up. 391 00:16:31,770 --> 00:16:32,936 Right? 392 00:16:32,971 --> 00:16:34,404 How dare you come in here 393 00:16:34,439 --> 00:16:35,739 and tell me to seek forgiveness! 394 00:16:35,774 --> 00:16:37,107 Where do you get off?! 395 00:16:37,142 --> 00:16:38,408 Pretty much everywhere, I hear. 396 00:16:38,443 --> 00:16:40,610 Fat man's right-- they're making this easy. 397 00:16:40,646 --> 00:16:43,213 You've never apologized once for the way you raised me! 398 00:16:43,248 --> 00:16:45,248 You're the one who made me what I am! 399 00:16:45,284 --> 00:16:47,017 Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, 400 00:16:47,052 --> 00:16:48,752 responsible for his own choices. 401 00:16:48,787 --> 00:16:51,488 Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems. 402 00:16:51,523 --> 00:16:53,823 Brian abandoned his own son, by the way. 403 00:16:53,859 --> 00:16:55,926 Why are you, of all people, defending a religious nut? 404 00:16:55,961 --> 00:16:57,460 Aren't you an atheist? 405 00:16:57,496 --> 00:16:58,695 Yeah, it's crazy. 406 00:16:58,730 --> 00:17:00,697 You can think about that while you're in jail. 407 00:17:00,732 --> 00:17:02,098 Glenn, we're not going to get anywhere 408 00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:03,767 questioning God's wisdom. 409 00:17:03,802 --> 00:17:06,102 He has a plan for everything. 410 00:17:06,138 --> 00:17:07,671 Oh, now I get it. 411 00:17:07,706 --> 00:17:09,205 That's why you found God. 412 00:17:09,241 --> 00:17:11,575 So you can absolve yourself of any responsibility 413 00:17:11,610 --> 00:17:13,443 and answer everything with empty platitudes. 414 00:17:13,478 --> 00:17:14,911 Face it, you're a worse parent 415 00:17:14,947 --> 00:17:17,247 than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. 416 00:17:17,282 --> 00:17:19,449 I'm concerned about Pax, Maddox, and Shiloh. 417 00:17:19,484 --> 00:17:21,585 They're having trouble adapting. 418 00:17:21,620 --> 00:17:23,587 They've been raised with 11 languages, 419 00:17:23,622 --> 00:17:25,422 and really don't speak any. 420 00:17:25,457 --> 00:17:26,923 I hear you, Doctor. 421 00:17:26,959 --> 00:17:29,859 So... you're saying we should give them all faux-hawks? 422 00:17:29,895 --> 00:17:32,228 No. I think they need intensive therapy. 423 00:17:32,264 --> 00:17:34,164 Let me see if I understand you. 424 00:17:34,199 --> 00:17:36,533 Even shorter on the sides? 425 00:17:36,568 --> 00:17:37,767 Don't you see? 426 00:17:37,803 --> 00:17:40,337 This is your chance to open your heart and let God in. 427 00:17:40,372 --> 00:17:42,472 I know this jail sentence seems long. 428 00:17:42,507 --> 00:17:45,542 But salvation can last all eternity. 429 00:17:45,577 --> 00:17:47,143 You know what else lasts an eternity? 430 00:17:47,179 --> 00:17:49,212 This conversation. 431 00:17:49,247 --> 00:17:51,615 And maybe through our shared relationship with the Lord, 432 00:17:51,650 --> 00:17:55,485 we can begin to build a bond as mother and son. 433 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:56,720 "Mother and son"?! 434 00:17:56,755 --> 00:17:58,555 Mothers love their children! 435 00:17:58,590 --> 00:18:00,223 They nurture them and protect them! 436 00:18:00,258 --> 00:18:01,858 You've never done a thing for me! 437 00:18:01,893 --> 00:18:03,360 I'd rather rot in jail than sit here 438 00:18:03,395 --> 00:18:05,061 and listen to all your crap! 439 00:18:06,531 --> 00:18:08,131 Glenn's right. 440 00:18:08,166 --> 00:18:09,599 I was never there for him. 441 00:18:09,635 --> 00:18:11,868 I've got to find some way to fix this. 442 00:18:11,903 --> 00:18:13,803 Did you hear about your ex-husband yet? 443 00:18:13,839 --> 00:18:16,940 He had a... uh, procedure. 444 00:18:23,982 --> 00:18:26,549 You know, some families take their baby to the zoo. 445 00:18:26,585 --> 00:18:29,119 That's also a fun activity. 446 00:18:29,154 --> 00:18:30,954 I'm really gonna miss all you guys. 447 00:18:30,989 --> 00:18:33,690 And I'll think of you whenever I choke on a link sausage. 448 00:18:33,725 --> 00:18:34,791 Take care, buddy. 449 00:18:35,894 --> 00:18:37,994 Oh, yeah! 450 00:18:38,030 --> 00:18:40,296 Fresh air! Freedom! 451 00:18:40,332 --> 00:18:41,998 Peter, while I'm away, 452 00:18:42,034 --> 00:18:45,035 I want you to hold onto my antique, gold Rolex watch. 453 00:18:45,070 --> 00:18:46,970 Oh cool, a throwing watch! 454 00:18:47,005 --> 00:18:48,005 No, no, Peter, it-- 455 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:49,439 and I cannot stress this enough-- 456 00:18:49,474 --> 00:18:51,374 it is not a throwing watch. 457 00:18:51,410 --> 00:18:53,410 Oh, I hear you, Quagmire. 458 00:18:55,013 --> 00:18:57,313 It didn't come back, like you said it would. 459 00:18:58,417 --> 00:18:59,916 And-and Joe, you sure you don't mind 460 00:18:59,951 --> 00:19:01,217 taking care of my cat? 461 00:19:01,253 --> 00:19:02,819 Oh, no, all taken care of. 462 00:19:02,854 --> 00:19:04,287 Brought her to the pound this morning. 463 00:19:04,322 --> 00:19:05,355 She went peacefully. 464 00:19:05,390 --> 00:19:06,690 What?! No! 465 00:19:06,725 --> 00:19:09,125 I-I-I meant, take care of her, like, look after her! 466 00:19:09,161 --> 00:19:11,561 Well, that seems like a note for this morning. 467 00:19:11,596 --> 00:19:14,097 You know, maybe I won't miss you people as much as I thought. 468 00:19:14,132 --> 00:19:15,965 Do you have anything for me, Glenn? 469 00:19:16,001 --> 00:19:17,767 What? No! Wha-what?! 470 00:19:17,803 --> 00:19:19,502 I just found out my cat died! 471 00:19:19,538 --> 00:19:22,072 Hmm. I can't help but think this selfish attitude 472 00:19:22,107 --> 00:19:24,574 is part of what got you here. 473 00:19:24,609 --> 00:19:26,342 Good-bye, Glenn. Be strong. 474 00:19:26,378 --> 00:19:29,512 We'll keep you in our thoughts. 475 00:19:29,548 --> 00:19:31,481 Oh, y-you better get rid of that 476 00:19:31,516 --> 00:19:33,116 before you get in there. 477 00:19:33,151 --> 00:19:34,384 All right. 478 00:19:34,419 --> 00:19:35,452 Good-bye, everybody. 479 00:19:35,487 --> 00:19:37,287 And-and don't worry about me. 480 00:19:37,322 --> 00:19:38,588 I-I'll see you real soon. 481 00:19:41,893 --> 00:19:43,626 Hey, you guys take good care 482 00:19:43,662 --> 00:19:45,762 of my child rapist friend! 483 00:19:49,134 --> 00:19:50,834 Mr. Quagmire, wait! 484 00:19:50,869 --> 00:19:52,168 Judge?! 485 00:19:52,204 --> 00:19:53,470 What are you doing here? 486 00:19:53,505 --> 00:19:55,265 I wanted to tell you the good news in person. 487 00:19:55,273 --> 00:19:57,107 Your sentence has been commuted. 488 00:19:57,142 --> 00:19:59,876 You will not be serving prison time after all. 489 00:19:59,911 --> 00:20:01,344 You got a good body, man. 490 00:20:01,379 --> 00:20:02,979 Why do you hide it under that robe? 491 00:20:03,014 --> 00:20:04,380 "Commuted"? 492 00:20:04,416 --> 00:20:05,648 I don't understand. 493 00:20:05,684 --> 00:20:07,784 Hello, Glenn. 494 00:20:07,819 --> 00:20:08,952 Mom?! 495 00:20:08,987 --> 00:20:10,386 What's going on here? 496 00:20:10,422 --> 00:20:12,355 By the way, Your Honor, your fly is down. 497 00:20:12,390 --> 00:20:16,126 Well, let's just say some new DNA evidence was produced. 498 00:20:16,161 --> 00:20:17,827 And an impressive amount, I'd say. 499 00:20:17,863 --> 00:20:20,096 Guy takes care of himself. 500 00:20:20,132 --> 00:20:21,531 Anyway, you're free to go. 501 00:20:21,566 --> 00:20:23,700 You... you're kidding! 502 00:20:23,735 --> 00:20:25,535 Mom... Di-did you...? 503 00:20:25,570 --> 00:20:26,903 Yep. Twice. 504 00:20:26,938 --> 00:20:28,671 But I-I thought you were Christian now. 505 00:20:28,707 --> 00:20:32,509 Helping my son is the most Christian thing I could do. 506 00:20:32,544 --> 00:20:34,911 You were right, Glenn. I was a terrible mother. 507 00:20:34,946 --> 00:20:36,944 I wasn't there for you when I should've been. 508 00:20:37,303 --> 00:20:40,204 But I'd love a second chance. 509 00:20:41,212 --> 00:20:42,574 I'd like that. 510 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:43,991 I'd like that very much. 511 00:20:43,992 --> 00:20:48,692 == sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man 512 00:20:48,770 --> 00:20:52,414 Aw, Quagmire got away with it, and learned nothing. 513 00:20:52,415 --> 00:20:54,549 That's great.