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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:09,140
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:09,140 --> 00:00:12,710
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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ANNOUNCER:
We now return
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00:00:37,636 --> 00:00:40,630
to The Autistic Postman
Always Rings 400 Times.
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(doorbell rings repeatedly)
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So is everybody excited
for Father's Day on Sunday?
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Oh, yeah, that's right.
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I always try to avoid
Father's Day now.
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Every year, I used to take
my dad to the horse track.
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00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,990
Now we just go rooting around
for bargains at the mall.
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Oh, this is darling,
isn't it?
Uh-huh.
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00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:03,660
Glenn, do you think you'd see
my bra through this blouse?
Uh, I don't know.
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Is it too sheer?
I don't know
what that means.
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00:01:05,660 --> 00:01:06,990
Glenn? Do you think
it's too sheer?
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I said I don't know!
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00:01:08,660 --> 00:01:10,330
Hey, Joe, you know,
come to think of it,
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I've met Cleveland's dad,
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and my dog slept
with Quagmire's dad,
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but I don't know anything
about your dad.
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Yeah, is he still with us,
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or is he living in Heaven
with Jesus Christ?
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Ugh, save that
for your black friends.
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Eh, my dad's out
there somewhere,
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but I haven't spoken
to him in years.
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What?! Really?!
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00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:26,940
Sorry, Cleveland,
that was mean of me.
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00:01:26,950 --> 00:01:28,850
I already forgave you.
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00:01:28,850 --> 00:01:30,850
But, Joe, why haven't you
seen your dad?
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Well, he's a good guy,
but we just drifted apart.
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It's no big deal.
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It's a very big deal.
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My dad's a stinking drunk
who lives in Ireland,
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00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,350
but you got
a perfectly good dad.
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You can't waste that.
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You gotta call him up
for Father's Day.
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Peter, I don't even know
where he is.
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Who's ready for another beer?
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00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,370
Hey, Cleveland, weren't you
supposed to buy the next round?
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That's a shame Joe
never sees his dad.
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I know.
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Hey, you know what?
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00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:55,040
Joe's our friend.
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He should be with his dad
on Father's Day,
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and we're gonna track him down.
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Yeah, that's a good idea, Peter.
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Well, I like helping people out.
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That's why I was such a good
break-up rodeo clown.
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I'm just gonna go
ahead and tell you.
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I've been sleeping
with your sister.
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What?!
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Hey, now! Hey, now!
Over here! Over here!
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Over here! Hey, now!
Hey, now! Over here!
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Over here!
Hey, now! Hey, now!
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Over here! Over here!
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(growls)
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(echoing): Oh, and now that
I'm inside the barrel,
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he gave you and your sister HPV.
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Hey, want to see something?
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Check out how hot
my last patient was.
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Oh.
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They look fake.
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Yeah, who cares?
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00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,850
Okay, according
to this projection,
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Stewie's adult height
will be five-foot-one.
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What?!
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Five-foot-one?!
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00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:42,660
Wow, Dr. Hartman,
that's really short.
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00:02:42,660 --> 00:02:46,000
I mean, I suppose it's fine
if he's gonna die at 14.
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Is-is there anything
on there about that?
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Well, we learned
in medical school
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that the short ones
do go faster,
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'cause they smell more farts
than the rest of us.
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This is terrible!
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I can't be short!
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I'll be an outcast, like Rudolph
the Uncircumcised Reindeer.
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Look, Rudolph, it's
not me, all right?
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00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:03,280
It's Dasher, he's
been complaining,
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and he is the one who has
to look at it all night.
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I don't know.
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Mrs. Claus says
it'll decrease my sensitivity.
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I-I'm sorry, why are you
talking to my wife about this?
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Okay, you guys, it's all set.
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I found Joe's dad
on the Internet,
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and he just e-mailed me
to say he's coming tomorrow.
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All right, great, but remember,
this is a surprise for Joe.
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Why are you looking at me?
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00:03:25,530 --> 00:03:26,860
Because you're terrible
at keeping secrets.
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No, I'm not;
I'm great at it.
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Like when I was
an ob-gyn.
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Well, I got the results
of your ultrasound,
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and I got some news for you.
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Wait, wait, wait...
(chuckles)
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We don't want to know
if it's a boy or a girl.
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(chuckling):
Oh, okay.
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Well, it's not breathing.
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Hey, guys.
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Uh, uh, so, Joe,
big day tomorrow, eh?
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Father's Day.
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Gonna be home all day,
especially at 11:30 a.m.?
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Peter.
What? I didn't say
anything about his dad.
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My dad?
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What about my dad?
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Well, now that Quagmire ruined
the surprise, we found your dad!
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You what?!
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That's right.
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He's coming tomorrow,
for Father's Day.
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You shouldn't have
done that, Peter.
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My father's not gonna
be happy to see me.
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Sure he will.
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Just get him one of them
Father's Day cards
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what plays a song.
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"Dad to the Bone."
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"I'm Dad."
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Pretty much anything with
"bad," you turn it to "dad."
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Wait, w-why wouldn't
your dad be happy?
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What, is he a jerk or something?
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No, it's just that
ever since I was a little kid,
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he was constantly making fun
of handicapped people.
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Really?
Yeah, my whole life,
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my-my dad would ridicule
anyone in a wheelchair.
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It was all,
"Hey, spaghetti legs!"
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And, "Hey, rigatoni legs!"
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And, uh, "Hey, angel-hair legs!"
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He was a sales manager
at Ronzoni.
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Wow, then it must have been
hard for him to accept
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when you were paralyzed.
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That's just it.
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My dad doesn't know
I'm handicapped.
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I never told him.
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(sobbing): I never...
I never told him!
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(cries)
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Ah, Joe, don't cry.
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It's gonna make me cry.
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(wails)
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I cry like Snoopy.
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(wails)
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I can't believe you invited
my father without telling me.
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You guys got to get
in touch with him
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and tell him not to come.
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It's too late, Joe,
he's already on his way.
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He is?
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00:05:15,910 --> 00:05:17,240
Yeah, we got him
tickets on Kayak.
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It is a nightmare itinerary.
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It was, like, 80 bucks,
but he has four stops.
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Two of them are in Houston.
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What am I gonna do?
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My dad has no idea
I'm paralyzed.
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Well, there's only
one thing we can do.
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We'll just figure out a way
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to hide your handicap
from your dad.
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Hide the fact that I can't walk?
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Peter, that'll never work.
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It's worth a try.
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Come on, Joe,
don't be so negative.
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You're like a Boston
fortune cookie.
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"I don't know, numbnuts.
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Maybe buy a garage and fill it
with hockey equipment."
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00:05:45,770 --> 00:05:47,200
Huh.
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00:05:47,210 --> 00:05:49,210
Well, let's see
what my lucky numbers are.
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"Screw you, math dick."
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Well, that wasn't
very helpful at all.
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Here you go, Stewie.
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I know clothes shopping
always cheers you up.
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I can't believe I'm only
going to be five-foot-one.
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Aw, come on, look
at the bright side.
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You'll be in the front row
of every class picture.
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Holding that little plaque.
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You suck.
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Why don't you go drink out
of the fountain?
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I'll text you when I'm done.
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I know you're trying to be rude,
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but I am gonna do that,
because I find it enjoyable.
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Excuse me, I was
looking at this.
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Sorry, I've made a decision
to go for that shirt,
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and when that happens, it is on.
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Full throttle, man. Pow!
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Wow, you're an energetic
little fellow.
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00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:33,220
I guess your mommy lets
you drink coffee, huh?
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00:06:33,220 --> 00:06:35,880
Whoa, whoa, I-I don't put
stimulants in my body.
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You know something?
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You kind of remind me
of Tom Cruise.
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Boom.
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00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,090
(laughs)
191
00:06:41,100 --> 00:06:42,830
You-you got me, man.
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(gasps)
Wow, Tom Cruise.
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You look, um...
bigger in the movies.
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Wh-What are you
doing here?
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00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:52,510
Oh, I get all my clothes from
out-of-the-way toddler stores.
196
00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:54,510
Ooh, uh, you want
an animal cracker?
197
00:06:54,510 --> 00:06:56,170
Sure, you got a lion in there?
198
00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:57,850
Oh, no, I eat those first.
199
00:06:57,850 --> 00:07:00,185
I believe eating
the lions gives me power.
200
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:03,080
Yeah, I hear you believe
in a lot of crazy stuff.
201
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,750
What'd you get there?
A giraffe?
202
00:07:04,750 --> 00:07:05,750
Yeah.
203
00:07:05,750 --> 00:07:06,750
Good, good.
204
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,760
It's good for eyesight.
205
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:09,090
Well, you're certainly upbeat.
206
00:07:09,090 --> 00:07:11,090
Let me ask you,
doesn't it bother you
207
00:07:11,090 --> 00:07:13,090
being an adult man
who's that short?
208
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,800
'Cause the doctor says
that's where I'm headed.
209
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:15,800
Oh, no way, man.
210
00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,140
The middle of the word
"short" is "or."
211
00:07:18,140 --> 00:07:19,800
"Or" gives you a choice.
212
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,200
And I choose not to be short.
213
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,600
Wow, you need a road map
for that one.
214
00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:25,610
Hey, hey, I'll tell you what.
215
00:07:25,610 --> 00:07:26,945
You spend the day with me,
216
00:07:26,946 --> 00:07:28,600
you'll see how great
it is to be short.
217
00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:30,940
You'll feel like
you're discovering a new world.
218
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,620
And you know what's in
the middle of the word "world"?
219
00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,110
Um... "or"?
220
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,620
Yes!
221
00:07:35,620 --> 00:07:37,220
The dots have appeared, man,
let's connect them!
222
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:38,950
(chuckles uncomfortably)
223
00:07:38,950 --> 00:07:41,550
You're... you're a weirdo,
but let's do this.
224
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,620
All right, check it out, Bonnie.
225
00:07:46,630 --> 00:07:48,630
This is how we're
gonna fool Joe's dad.
226
00:07:48,630 --> 00:07:50,290
Oh, my God.
227
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:51,735
Yeah, looks real, right?
228
00:07:51,736 --> 00:07:54,060
I put this pair of pants
on the front legs of this horse
229
00:07:54,070 --> 00:07:55,405
and strapped Joe to the front
230
00:07:55,406 --> 00:07:57,400
with his legs tied
behind the horse's neck.
231
00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:00,080
And then we put Cinnamon's head
up the back of Joe's shirt
232
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,310
and simply hid the rest of the
horse behind this curtain.
233
00:08:02,310 --> 00:08:03,640
(horse whinnies)
234
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,580
His breath is very moist, Peter.
235
00:08:05,580 --> 00:08:08,580
And to induce movement, I'm
gonna snap the horse's balls
236
00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:09,980
with this dampened
kitchen towel.
237
00:08:11,250 --> 00:08:12,250
Aah! Oh, my God!
238
00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:13,580
Holy crap, he's out of control!
239
00:08:13,590 --> 00:08:15,530
Does it look real?
240
00:08:16,690 --> 00:08:17,690
(screams)
241
00:08:17,690 --> 00:08:19,020
Plan "B"! Plan "B"!
242
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,420
(horse neighing)
243
00:08:29,770 --> 00:08:33,100
(groans) Peter, I'm
afraid this is hopeless.
244
00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:34,450
What, I don't know
what else to do.
245
00:08:34,450 --> 00:08:35,770
I mean, we're not gonna come up
246
00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,450
with something better
than the horse.
247
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:39,450
Yeah, I guess you're just
gonna have to tell your dad
248
00:08:39,450 --> 00:08:40,785
about your handicap.
249
00:08:40,786 --> 00:08:42,440
I can't do that.
250
00:08:42,450 --> 00:08:45,380
If you guys were in my shoes,
you'd understand.
251
00:08:45,390 --> 00:08:47,390
Wait a minute, that's it!
252
00:08:47,390 --> 00:08:49,390
I will get in your shoes.
253
00:08:49,390 --> 00:08:51,020
I'll just pretend to be you.
254
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,700
I mean, your dad ain't
seen you in years.
255
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,020
He won't know the difference.
256
00:08:54,030 --> 00:08:55,560
What? That's crazy.
257
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:56,890
(groaning)
258
00:08:56,900 --> 00:08:58,900
Boy, that was a close call.
259
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:01,700
Is some of this room cold?
260
00:09:05,570 --> 00:09:06,970
All right, Peter, almost done.
261
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:10,910
Huh? Huh?
262
00:09:10,910 --> 00:09:11,910
Eh, kind of.
263
00:09:11,910 --> 00:09:13,640
Yeah.
I don't care.
264
00:09:13,650 --> 00:09:15,320
Peter, I don't know about this.
265
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:16,655
It seems like a bad idea.
266
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:19,310
Look, Lois, Joe is one
of my best friends, all right?
267
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:20,980
I'm only doing this to help him.
268
00:09:20,990 --> 00:09:22,560
Besides, wait till you hear
my "Joe" voice.
269
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,660
(imitating Joe): Uh, God, I hate
being stuck in this chair.
270
00:09:25,660 --> 00:09:28,490
No, Peter, that fights it.
271
00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:31,170
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
272
00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:34,170
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
273
00:09:34,170 --> 00:09:36,170
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
274
00:09:36,170 --> 00:09:38,230
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
275
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:41,170
♪ You're never gonna
get my love ♪
276
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:43,610
♪ Now because you wear ♪
277
00:09:43,610 --> 00:09:46,240
♪ All those fancy clothes ♪
278
00:09:46,250 --> 00:09:47,520
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
279
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:50,190
♪ And have a big fine car ♪
280
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:52,120
♪ Oh, yes, you do now ♪
281
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,850
♪ Do you think I can afford ♪
282
00:09:53,860 --> 00:09:55,860
♪ To give you my love ♪
283
00:09:55,860 --> 00:09:57,360
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
284
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:01,200
♪ You think you're higher
than every star above ♪
285
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,340
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
286
00:10:04,870 --> 00:10:06,710
♪ Who do you think you are? ♪
287
00:10:06,710 --> 00:10:08,760
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
288
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,040
♪ You're never gonna
make me cry ♪
289
00:10:12,040 --> 00:10:13,540
♪ Mr. Big Stuff ♪
290
00:10:13,540 --> 00:10:14,870
♪ Tell me, tell me... ♪
291
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:18,880
That's Bud.
292
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:19,870
Are you ready, Peter?
293
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:20,880
I think so.
294
00:10:20,880 --> 00:10:22,210
What do you think, acting coach?
295
00:10:22,220 --> 00:10:25,890
I think you will be
exemplary, Peter.
296
00:10:25,890 --> 00:10:28,230
All good acting coaches
are insane old ladies.
297
00:10:28,230 --> 00:10:29,820
Emote!
298
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,830
(doorbell rings)
299
00:10:31,830 --> 00:10:32,830
Hi, Bud.
300
00:10:32,830 --> 00:10:33,830
Hi, Joe's dad.
301
00:10:33,830 --> 00:10:35,165
Uh, I mean, uh, Dad.
302
00:10:35,166 --> 00:10:36,730
Uh, Joe, I'm Joe;
you're my dad.
303
00:10:36,730 --> 00:10:37,790
Joe?
304
00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,940
Wow, I guess it really
has been a long time.
305
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,340
I barely recognize you.
306
00:10:41,340 --> 00:10:42,840
Put on a little weight,
haven't you?
307
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,910
Well, I could say
the same for you.
308
00:10:44,910 --> 00:10:46,580
(laughs)
(laughs uneasily)
309
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:49,580
Sometimes I don't understand
why people laugh.
310
00:10:53,250 --> 00:10:55,150
All right, everyone in the car.
311
00:10:55,150 --> 00:10:57,110
We got a Father's Day
dinner reservation.
312
00:10:57,120 --> 00:10:59,190
Why is Mr. Swanson coming?
313
00:10:59,190 --> 00:11:00,760
And why is he dressed like Dad?
314
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:02,025
I don't know, kids.
315
00:11:02,026 --> 00:11:05,050
I stopped asking after your
father said he shot a horse.
316
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,500
(siren whoops twice)
317
00:11:09,530 --> 00:11:11,430
Thanks for
the ride-along.
318
00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,960
I liked when you sentenced those
two girls to kiss each other.
319
00:11:13,970 --> 00:11:16,610
Yeah, all girls are lesbians
when you point a gun at 'em.
320
00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:18,840
Boy, it's been great
spending time with you, son.
321
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,540
It's been great spending
time with you, too...
322
00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:22,770
Dad.
323
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:26,780
Oh, this'll be fun.
324
00:11:26,780 --> 00:11:28,110
Let's see how long it takes them
325
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:29,820
to get Gumby over there
into the car.
326
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:31,790
Yeah, that's our neighbor,
Peter Griffin.
327
00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:33,290
That's the guy
who e-mailed me?
328
00:11:33,290 --> 00:11:36,325
Huh, no wonder it was all caps
with tons of typos.
329
00:11:36,326 --> 00:11:37,620
He's a water head, right?
330
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:38,830
Yeah, he's a mess.
331
00:11:38,830 --> 00:11:40,030
Look at his ugly kids.
332
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:41,960
Pathetic.
333
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,490
Ugh, he's not fitting.
334
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:46,640
Just put some of him
in the back like skis.
335
00:11:51,070 --> 00:11:52,300
Hey, Stewie.
What's up?
336
00:11:52,310 --> 00:11:53,850
(chuckling): When you
say it like that,
337
00:11:53,850 --> 00:11:55,140
you sound just like Tom Cruise.
338
00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:56,470
What?
Oh, yeah,
339
00:11:56,480 --> 00:11:57,720
I've been hanging
with Tom Cruise.
340
00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,540
You've been hanging out
with Tom Cruise?
341
00:11:59,550 --> 00:12:00,550
Sure have.
342
00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:01,850
We spent the whole day together,
343
00:12:01,850 --> 00:12:03,010
and he showed me
344
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:04,490
there's a lot of
advantages to being short.
345
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:05,650
Oh, yeah? Like what?
346
00:12:05,650 --> 00:12:07,220
You're the last one
to get wet when it rains?
347
00:12:07,220 --> 00:12:08,480
Well, yeah, that.
348
00:12:08,490 --> 00:12:10,590
And you can chow
pie standing up.
349
00:12:10,590 --> 00:12:12,490
We didn't do any of that,
but the point is,
350
00:12:12,490 --> 00:12:14,160
I'm at peace with being short.
351
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,660
Full throttle, man!
Pow!
352
00:12:15,660 --> 00:12:17,160
(phone ringing)
353
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,500
Hello.
354
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,400
Oh, hi,
Dr. Hartman.
355
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,260
Mrs. Griffin,
I have some good news.
356
00:12:22,270 --> 00:12:24,670
Turns out your son
is going to be normal height.
357
00:12:24,670 --> 00:12:26,700
I read his chart wrong
yesterday.
358
00:12:26,710 --> 00:12:29,910
Apparently, I have something
called "dislooxia"?
359
00:12:29,910 --> 00:12:31,740
That was the doctor.
360
00:12:31,750 --> 00:12:34,690
Apparently, Stewie's not
gonna be short after all.
361
00:12:34,690 --> 00:12:36,210
What? Really?
362
00:12:36,220 --> 00:12:37,590
That's wonderful news!
363
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,050
Oh, I'm so relieved
364
00:12:39,050 --> 00:12:41,180
my child is spared
some heartache.
365
00:12:41,190 --> 00:12:43,690
Now, come on, Brian, I guess
we should try to make it
366
00:12:43,690 --> 00:12:44,850
over to Meg's birthday party.
367
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,770
Could I have some bread
while I open my presents?
368
00:12:49,770 --> 00:12:51,470
At this point,
we're gonna have to start
369
00:12:51,470 --> 00:12:53,040
charging you for the bread.
370
00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,900
(doorbell rings)
371
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:55,900
Hey, Stewie!
372
00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,100
You want to check out
the go-kart
373
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,375
I used in Days of Thunder?
374
00:12:58,376 --> 00:12:59,600
Yeah, listen, um...
375
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:02,045
I just found out I'm
actually going to be tall,
376
00:13:02,046 --> 00:13:04,870
so I'm no longer comfortable
hanging out with someone
377
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,710
whose teeth are bigger
than their fingers.
378
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:07,720
What?
379
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,050
That's...
that's barely true.
380
00:13:09,050 --> 00:13:10,710
Yeah, so...
see you later.
381
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:12,560
You are making a big mistake,
Stewie!
382
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,880
Nobody walks away
from Tiny Tom Cruise!
383
00:13:15,890 --> 00:13:17,550
Yeah, except for
all three of your wives.
384
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,400
Okay, I'm shutting this now.
385
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,490
Okay, so... bye!
386
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:29,630
So now, since I switched
to disposable catheters,
387
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,980
I no longer have those beet-red
infections in my urethra.
388
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:34,000
Oh, no.
389
00:13:34,010 --> 00:13:35,245
I hope it's not genetic.
390
00:13:35,246 --> 00:13:36,840
Chris, he's not our dad.
391
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,920
I can't keep up with this ruse.
392
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:40,410
Hey, everybody!
393
00:13:40,420 --> 00:13:42,150
Peter, finally, you're home.
394
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:44,080
How's it going over there
with my dad?
395
00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,920
Awesome. He fell for
the whole thing.
396
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:47,750
In fact, we've been
having a great time!
397
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,425
Wow, that's terrific, Peter!
398
00:13:49,426 --> 00:13:51,850
You'll only have to pull it
off for a few more hours.
399
00:13:51,860 --> 00:13:54,590
Then he'll be on a plane
tomorrow and I can go home.
400
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:55,930
Oh, that's the other good news.
401
00:13:55,930 --> 00:13:57,290
Bud's not leaving!
402
00:13:57,300 --> 00:13:58,970
I told him he can move in
with me and Bonnie.
403
00:13:58,970 --> 00:13:59,970
What?!
404
00:13:59,970 --> 00:14:01,305
Peter, this is crazy!
405
00:14:01,306 --> 00:14:02,930
Nah, it's gonna work out fine.
406
00:14:02,940 --> 00:14:04,110
Oh, and remember, Joe,
407
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:05,610
if Lois is feeling
frisky at night,
408
00:14:05,610 --> 00:14:08,110
it's index finger
around and clockwise.
409
00:14:08,110 --> 00:14:09,610
And just keep
doing that to yourself
410
00:14:09,610 --> 00:14:10,770
until you're good to go.
411
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,720
Peter, this is ridiculous.
412
00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:21,850
You can't live in my house
with my dad and my family!
413
00:14:21,860 --> 00:14:24,230
Your dad got me
super clean in the tub.
414
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:26,030
Joe's right, this is idiotic.
415
00:14:26,030 --> 00:14:27,360
What are you thinking?
416
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:28,620
I'll tell you what I'm thinking.
417
00:14:28,630 --> 00:14:30,290
I'm thinking that
I've had two dads
418
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:32,800
and neither one cared for me
as much as Bud does.
419
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,130
Peter, I've had enough of this!
420
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:35,705
You can't just take my dad!
421
00:14:35,706 --> 00:14:36,900
Well, he's right next door.
422
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,710
Nothing's stopping you
from going over there
423
00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,040
and telling him the truth:
424
00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,570
that his son is a paraplegic
who's stuck in a wheelchair.
425
00:14:42,580 --> 00:14:43,980
You know I can't do that.
426
00:14:43,980 --> 00:14:45,715
Ah, suit yourself.
But I gotta go.
427
00:14:45,716 --> 00:14:47,540
Me and Bud are having a blast.
428
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,650
I'm sorry, Joe.
429
00:14:50,650 --> 00:14:51,980
A-Are you okay?
430
00:14:51,990 --> 00:14:53,360
Not really.
431
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:55,160
I'll be honest,
Lois, this hurts.
432
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,890
Hurts like the Dickens.
433
00:14:56,890 --> 00:14:58,850
I've finished my latest novel.
434
00:14:58,860 --> 00:14:59,890
Splendid, Charles!
435
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:00,900
What is it called?
436
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,100
Oliver Nipple-Twist.
437
00:15:02,100 --> 00:15:03,160
Ow!
438
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,760
Oh, Charles, you bastard!
439
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:06,000
Yeah! The Dickens!
440
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:08,230
It hurts like the me!
441
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:17,180
So, anyone going to
the gerbil's funeral on Friday?
442
00:15:17,180 --> 00:15:18,280
Okay, kids!
443
00:15:18,280 --> 00:15:20,170
Everyone in a circle
for parachute time.
444
00:15:20,180 --> 00:15:23,180
Oh, goodie,
I love parachute time!
445
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:27,850
ALL:
Whee!
446
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,630
Whee!
447
00:15:30,390 --> 00:15:32,050
Whee!
448
00:15:32,060 --> 00:15:33,720
What the hell?
449
00:15:33,730 --> 00:15:36,030
That kid looked like
Tiny Tom Cruise.
450
00:15:36,030 --> 00:15:37,290
Whee!
451
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:39,470
Huh.
Must've been my imagination.
452
00:15:40,570 --> 00:15:41,600
Aah!
453
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,560
If you think
you're getting away from me,
454
00:15:43,570 --> 00:15:45,300
you've got a crazy laugh
coming, friend.
455
00:15:45,310 --> 00:15:47,710
(laughs crazily)
456
00:15:47,710 --> 00:15:49,210
Aah!
457
00:15:49,210 --> 00:15:51,270
(continues laughing)
458
00:15:56,380 --> 00:15:57,880
(panting)
459
00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,260
Hey, what are you doing home
so early?
460
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:00,250
He's following me, Brian!
461
00:16:00,260 --> 00:16:01,330
Who's following you?
462
00:16:01,330 --> 00:16:02,550
Tom Cruise!
463
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,230
I spend one afternoon
with the guy,
464
00:16:04,230 --> 00:16:05,900
and it's like I signed
an eight-year contract
465
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:07,320
to show up at events with him
466
00:16:07,330 --> 00:16:09,065
and let him fake-father a child.
467
00:16:09,066 --> 00:16:10,760
Stewie, I would think Tom Cruise
468
00:16:10,770 --> 00:16:12,900
has better things to do
than follow you around.
469
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:13,900
Oh, really?
470
00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:15,000
Well, explain that!
471
00:16:22,310 --> 00:16:24,570
You know, it's times
like this where I think,
472
00:16:24,580 --> 00:16:26,820
if I didn't talk and
you were a normal baby,
473
00:16:26,820 --> 00:16:28,580
we wouldn't have
any of these problems.
474
00:16:28,580 --> 00:16:29,910
You gotta help me
get rid of him, Brian!
475
00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:31,590
He's creepier
than that guy at the gym
476
00:16:31,590 --> 00:16:33,590
who just does karate
in the mirror.
477
00:16:35,290 --> 00:16:36,420
It's me.
478
00:16:36,420 --> 00:16:37,420
The guy's me.
479
00:16:37,430 --> 00:16:38,900
I'm a gym karate creep.
480
00:16:42,030 --> 00:16:43,160
I'm pretty good, too.
481
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:44,330
But relax.
482
00:16:44,330 --> 00:16:46,390
If I wanted you dead,
you'd be dead.
483
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,440
Hey, Dad, what do you
say we go play catch?
484
00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:53,600
And throw me some divers.
485
00:16:53,610 --> 00:16:56,110
I want to get grass stains
on my school slacks.
486
00:16:56,110 --> 00:16:57,140
What?
487
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,315
You're a grown man.
488
00:16:58,316 --> 00:17:00,480
I know, it's just so
great having a dad.
489
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,980
Well, it's nice having
reconnected with you, too.
490
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,580
All right, let's do it.
491
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,290
Oh, for God's sake.
492
00:17:13,290 --> 00:17:15,290
See, a guy like that
should just stay inside
493
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,630
so we don't have to look at him.
494
00:17:16,630 --> 00:17:17,860
Joe, go over there
495
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,340
and tell him to get
back in his house.
496
00:17:19,340 --> 00:17:21,800
Don't worry, I'll
take care of it.
497
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:22,960
Joe, you gotta go inside.
498
00:17:22,970 --> 00:17:24,230
You're upsetting my dad.
499
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,140
Your dad?
That's right!
500
00:17:26,140 --> 00:17:27,540
He loves me in a way that...
501
00:17:27,540 --> 00:17:29,200
Aw, you guys had pizza?
502
00:17:29,210 --> 00:17:30,710
Screw you, Peter!
503
00:17:30,710 --> 00:17:32,310
You know what? This is over!
504
00:17:32,310 --> 00:17:33,510
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
505
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:34,520
Not a chance.
506
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:35,850
I like your house better.
507
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:37,750
I got nothing to hold onto
when I poop at home.
508
00:17:37,750 --> 00:17:40,310
You have no idea how many shower
curtains I've ripped down.
509
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:41,320
Now get inside.
510
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,050
No, I'm not gonna do that.
511
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:44,260
Oh, yes, you are!
512
00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:46,830
Get away from me,
you son of a bitch!
513
00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:48,660
What the hell?
514
00:17:48,660 --> 00:17:50,390
Joe, don't take that from him!
515
00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:53,330
(Peter grunts)
516
00:17:53,330 --> 00:17:54,660
How do you like that?
517
00:17:54,670 --> 00:17:56,910
You're getting
your ass kicked by a cripple!
518
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,670
A helpless,
spaghetti-legged cripple!
519
00:17:59,670 --> 00:18:00,740
What are you doing?
520
00:18:00,740 --> 00:18:01,870
You're my son!
521
00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,210
You can't let yourself
get beat up
522
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:04,740
by a guy in a wheelchair!
523
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:08,020
Your son is a guy
in a wheelchair.
524
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:09,790
What are you talking about?
525
00:18:11,350 --> 00:18:13,410
(sighs)
526
00:18:15,020 --> 00:18:16,850
(gasps)
(gasps)
527
00:18:16,860 --> 00:18:17,890
Yes.
528
00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,020
Yes, Dad.
529
00:18:19,030 --> 00:18:20,360
It's me.
530
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,060
(grunting)
531
00:18:22,060 --> 00:18:23,390
Joe!
532
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:24,700
What the hell happened to you?
533
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:26,370
I was shot in the line of duty.
534
00:18:26,370 --> 00:18:28,700
(laughs)
"Line of duty."
535
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:31,870
So, this is why you haven't
called me in all these years?
536
00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:33,200
How could I, Dad?
537
00:18:33,210 --> 00:18:35,150
You always made fun
of handicapped people.
538
00:18:35,150 --> 00:18:38,640
The only thing I never
understood was... why?
539
00:18:38,650 --> 00:18:40,220
I don't know.
540
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,880
I guess I could
never stand the thought
541
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,380
of something like that
happening to me.
542
00:18:43,380 --> 00:18:46,210
Or even worse, to someone
that I care about.
543
00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:48,320
One time, my legs fell
asleep on the toilet.
544
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:49,980
I had to crawl
into the living room
545
00:18:49,990 --> 00:18:51,420
and interrupt Lois' book club.
546
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:53,830
That was one of the shower
curtains I ripped down.
547
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:56,265
And I suppose, deep down,
I was afraid.
548
00:18:56,266 --> 00:18:57,890
Afraid that, if it did happen,
549
00:18:57,900 --> 00:18:59,735
I wouldn't be strong enough
to handle it.
550
00:18:59,736 --> 00:19:02,400
Well, Dad, I can tell you
from experience,
551
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,900
it's only when
your worst fears come true
552
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:08,145
that you get to find out
how strong you really are.
553
00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:10,740
Then I guess I've got
some learning to do.
554
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,350
I love you, son.
555
00:19:12,350 --> 00:19:14,050
I love you, too, Dad.
I love you, too, Dad.
556
00:19:18,790 --> 00:19:20,290
Hey, Joe, uh, just one question:
557
00:19:20,290 --> 00:19:22,525
why do you have all those
Wizard of Oz plates?
558
00:19:22,526 --> 00:19:24,420
Because if I finish
my vegetables,
559
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:26,860
I get to see
the Yellow Brick Road.
560
00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:28,920
All right, you sold me.
561
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,360
All right, Brian,
562
00:19:33,370 --> 00:19:35,270
Tiny Tom Cruise
is somewhere close.
563
00:19:35,270 --> 00:19:36,860
I can sense his manic energy.
564
00:19:36,870 --> 00:19:38,200
You remember the plan?
565
00:19:38,210 --> 00:19:39,810
Yup, I got it.
566
00:19:39,810 --> 00:19:42,680
Help, help!
My dog got off his leash!
567
00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,350
Is there anyone
who can do a pumpy-arm run?
568
00:19:46,710 --> 00:19:49,610
Running, running, running,
running, running, running, run!
569
00:19:49,620 --> 00:19:52,290
Hey, Stewie. I'm here to help
you for the next billion years.
570
00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:53,520
All right, good to know.
571
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,180
Anyway, my dog ran
around those bushes.
572
00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:56,250
I am on it!
573
00:19:57,460 --> 00:19:59,460
Gotcha!
574
00:19:59,460 --> 00:20:01,360
All right,
off to Zappos with him.
575
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:02,690
You sure this is gonna work?
576
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:04,335
Oh, yeah.
They'll accept any returns.
577
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:06,290
We don't even
have to pay postage.
578
00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:10,310
Hello, friend.
Your life...
579
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:11,840
is about to change.
580
00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,810
Hey, Tom. It's been
a couple weeks.
581
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:22,310
Hey, listen, Joe, I'm sorry
I treated you like such a jerk.
582
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:23,720
Well, that's okay, Peter.
583
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,655
In fact, I got to say, it
was a nice thing you did.
584
00:20:26,656 --> 00:20:30,050
I'm glad I reconnected with
my dad after all these years.
585
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:31,660
Ah, it was my pleasure.
586
00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:33,600
There's no more important
relationship than...
587
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,930
I'm sorry, Cleveland,
what the hell
588
00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:36,665
is that Toronto Raptors hat?
589
00:20:36,666 --> 00:20:37,990
It was my Father's Day present.
590
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,170
I hate it.
591
00:20:39,170 --> 00:20:40,870
I'm just gonna
wear it for a week,
592
00:20:40,870 --> 00:20:42,205
then say I lost it.
593
00:20:42,206 --> 00:20:44,000
Anyway, thanks for
helping me, Peter.
594
00:20:44,010 --> 00:20:46,010
Yeah, it all
worked out great, Joe.
595
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:48,850
Except I am still missing
that one pair of pants.
596
00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:52,850
(tires screech)
597
00:20:56,180 --> 00:20:58,750
Excuse me,
are those Bugle Boy jeans?
598
00:20:58,750 --> 00:21:00,820
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH