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00:00:00,878 --> 00:00:04,213
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,313 --> 00:00:07,582
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,616 --> 00:00:11,152
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,186 --> 00:00:14,155
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,189 --> 00:00:17,658
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:17,693 --> 00:00:20,962
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:23,898
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:23,932 --> 00:00:25,007
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:25,008 --> 00:00:29,008
♪ Family Guy 14x05 ♪
Peter, Chris & Brian
Original Air Date on November 8, 2015
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00:00:29,009 --> 00:00:35,509
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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00:00:35,610 --> 00:00:36,877
Hey, guys, do you like beer,
13
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:38,579
but can't
get drunk from beer?
14
00:00:38,613 --> 00:00:40,748
Then try new Vodka Beer.
15
00:00:40,782 --> 00:00:42,016
The can says "beer,"
16
00:00:42,050 --> 00:00:45,386
but inside is 12 ounces
of carbonated vodka.
17
00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,322
And the best part is,
your wife will never know.
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00:00:48,356 --> 00:00:49,990
Honey, I'm so proud of you,
19
00:00:50,025 --> 00:00:51,859
cutting down to one
beer a night.
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00:00:51,893 --> 00:00:54,061
Take off your underwear.
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00:00:54,095 --> 00:00:57,565
She don't know.
22
00:00:57,599 --> 00:00:58,899
I got the mail.
23
00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:01,101
Hey, does an octopus
live here?
24
00:01:01,136 --> 00:01:02,636
Peter, that says
"occupant."
25
00:01:02,671 --> 00:01:03,838
Oh, that's too bad.
26
00:01:03,872 --> 00:01:05,172
That would've
been awesome.
27
00:01:05,207 --> 00:01:06,674
Oh look, Peter.
28
00:01:06,708 --> 00:01:08,409
Here's something from
your mother's estate.
29
00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:10,778
Oh, looks like they finally
sold her house.
30
00:01:10,812 --> 00:01:13,714
And the last white domino
in that neighborhood falls.
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00:01:13,748 --> 00:01:14,882
Wow, they sold it?
32
00:01:14,916 --> 00:01:16,183
So that means the house
33
00:01:16,218 --> 00:01:17,885
and everything inside
of it is gone?
34
00:01:17,919 --> 00:01:19,220
Oh, sweetheart.
35
00:01:19,254 --> 00:01:21,555
You thinking about all the good
times you had there?
36
00:01:21,590 --> 00:01:23,791
No, I'm thinking about
my teenage porn stash.
37
00:01:23,825 --> 00:01:25,392
It's still hidden
in the house.
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00:01:25,427 --> 00:01:28,696
Oh, okay, but I know this
is really about the memories.
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00:01:28,730 --> 00:01:31,198
Lactating sluts
on box springs.
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00:01:31,233 --> 00:01:33,467
The-The-The special times
growing up...
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00:01:33,502 --> 00:01:35,436
Bikini black chicks
sneezing.
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00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:37,738
Lois, stop making him
reminisce about stuff.
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00:01:37,772 --> 00:01:38,939
You don't understand, Lois.
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00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,441
A boy's first collection
of nudie books
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00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:42,409
and girlie movies
is a sacred thing.
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00:01:42,444 --> 00:01:44,111
It can't fall into
a stranger's hands.
47
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,546
This is very serious.
48
00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:47,314
I'm taking us to DEFCON 4.
49
00:01:48,550 --> 00:01:50,651
What happens when
it hits DEFCON 1?
50
00:01:50,685 --> 00:01:52,887
We see a dog wearing a wig.
51
00:01:52,921 --> 00:01:54,889
Aw, heck, let's see that anyway.
52
00:01:56,091 --> 00:01:59,159
That's not even a lady dog.
53
00:02:02,864 --> 00:02:05,065
Hey, Peter, what's wrong?
You've been real quiet.
54
00:02:05,100 --> 00:02:06,233
I don't know,
Quagmire.
55
00:02:06,268 --> 00:02:07,568
I keep thinking
of my old pornos.
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00:02:07,602 --> 00:02:09,870
It's like I'm reminded
of them everywhere I look.
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00:02:09,905 --> 00:02:12,006
You've been looking
at Cleveland a lot.
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00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,341
Plus, you know, when
people find that box,
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00:02:14,376 --> 00:02:16,443
they won't know that, like,
for some of them magazines,
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00:02:16,478 --> 00:02:18,379
I just had them as,
like, a joke.
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00:02:18,413 --> 00:02:20,180
You know, not 'cause, like,
I was really into it.
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00:02:20,215 --> 00:02:21,315
Just the opposite.
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00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:22,650
For some of them
magazines.
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00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:23,851
Okay.
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00:02:23,885 --> 00:02:25,553
I'm going to be
arrested for sure.
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00:02:25,587 --> 00:02:27,354
Peter, I know exactly
where you're coming from.
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00:02:27,389 --> 00:02:28,522
You, Quagmire?
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00:02:28,557 --> 00:02:30,224
You enjoy
pornography, too?
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00:02:30,258 --> 00:02:32,359
Yup, and I know that
a man's porn collection
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00:02:32,394 --> 00:02:34,795
must be secured and
protected at all costs,
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00:02:34,829 --> 00:02:36,230
until he gets
ashamed of it
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00:02:36,264 --> 00:02:37,932
and ditches it in an alley
behind a Kroger's.
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00:02:37,966 --> 00:02:39,166
Hey, I know!
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00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,901
What if we break into
my old house
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00:02:40,936 --> 00:02:42,970
and steal back
my big box of pornos?
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00:02:43,004 --> 00:02:44,605
What do you say?
You guys with me?
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00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:45,873
You bet.
Sure thing, Peter.
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00:02:45,907 --> 00:02:47,241
I mean, come on,
we're a team.
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00:02:47,275 --> 00:02:49,443
Like fish and chips
and fat guys.
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00:02:49,477 --> 00:02:51,412
I want the double cheeseburger,
81
00:02:51,446 --> 00:02:54,081
but I'm gonna go healthy
and get the fish and chips.
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00:02:54,115 --> 00:02:55,482
Fish and chips!
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00:03:01,823 --> 00:03:03,424
Okay, you all
remember the plan--
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00:03:03,458 --> 00:03:05,693
we walk up wearing
our Bill Cosby masks...
85
00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,895
Peter, that's
President Obama.
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00:03:07,929 --> 00:03:10,497
Aw, did I just
do a racism?
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00:03:11,666 --> 00:03:13,667
Hello? Can I help
you gentlemen?
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00:03:13,702 --> 00:03:14,969
Hi.
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00:03:15,003 --> 00:03:16,737
You guys have been sitting
in front of my house
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00:03:16,771 --> 00:03:19,173
for the last five hours
trying on Obama masks.
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00:03:19,207 --> 00:03:20,841
Is there something
I can do for you?
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00:03:20,875 --> 00:03:22,977
We, uh... we-we were
just getting ready
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00:03:23,011 --> 00:03:24,445
to break into your house.
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00:03:24,479 --> 00:03:25,446
Excuse me?
95
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:26,547
Oh, hey, cool shirt.
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00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,349
What?
Oh, thank you.
97
00:03:28,383 --> 00:03:29,817
Look, what's this all about?
98
00:03:29,851 --> 00:03:31,385
This guy used to live
in your house
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00:03:31,419 --> 00:03:33,220
and a box of his old porn
is still hidden in there.
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00:03:33,254 --> 00:03:34,755
We were gonna break in
and take it.
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00:03:34,789 --> 00:03:36,323
And I was gonna stay
with the rental van
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00:03:36,358 --> 00:03:39,026
because it's my name
what's on the contract.
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00:03:39,060 --> 00:03:41,328
Oh. Well, you could've just
knocked on the door and asked.
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00:03:41,363 --> 00:03:43,030
I don't want that stuff,
I've got kids.
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00:03:43,064 --> 00:03:44,131
Get it out of there!
106
00:03:44,165 --> 00:03:45,699
Really? Awesome!
107
00:03:45,734 --> 00:03:48,702
Oh, well that was easier
than a game of Pai Gow poker.
108
00:03:48,737 --> 00:03:50,204
Pai gow.
You lose again!
109
00:03:50,238 --> 00:03:51,639
That was awesome!
110
00:03:51,673 --> 00:03:53,507
I can't believe these tables
are always empty.
111
00:03:53,541 --> 00:03:55,342
You play again?
Nope, out of money.
112
00:03:55,377 --> 00:03:56,610
I'm just gonna wait
for my drink.
113
00:03:56,645 --> 00:03:58,345
Who had the full glass
of Goldschlager?
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00:03:58,380 --> 00:03:59,913
Ah. Sorry, can't tip.
115
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:02,282
I'm gonna take this
up to my room.
116
00:04:03,985 --> 00:04:06,120
Oh, I'm on the wrong floor.
117
00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:11,191
Almost time for lunch.
118
00:04:11,226 --> 00:04:12,626
Ah...
119
00:04:12,661 --> 00:04:13,627
How was everything?
120
00:04:13,662 --> 00:04:14,728
Delicious.
121
00:04:14,763 --> 00:04:16,130
The prime rib
was mostly fat.
122
00:04:16,164 --> 00:04:17,798
Should I charge it
to your room?
123
00:04:17,832 --> 00:04:18,966
No, I had to check out,
124
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,701
even though my
flight's not until midnight.
125
00:04:20,735 --> 00:04:24,705
Now, how does one with no money
get to the airport?
126
00:04:35,183 --> 00:04:37,851
Hey, buddy, you're
blocking the outlet.
127
00:04:37,886 --> 00:04:40,054
Oh, sorry.
There was no chairs.
128
00:04:44,693 --> 00:04:46,293
Hi, Peter.
How was Vegas?
129
00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:48,662
Oh, it's the best.
130
00:04:52,100 --> 00:04:53,600
Sweet.
131
00:04:53,635 --> 00:04:56,403
Now, which movie
should I start with?
132
00:04:56,438 --> 00:04:58,605
"Back-Door Sluts 4."
133
00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:00,407
Eh, I haven't
seen the first three,
134
00:05:00,442 --> 00:05:01,909
I wouldn't know what's going on.
135
00:05:01,943 --> 00:05:03,911
Here we go.
136
00:05:05,213 --> 00:05:08,749
I want to watch
all of these movies, nonstop.
137
00:05:10,552 --> 00:05:12,920
I don't want to watch
any more of these movies, ever.
138
00:05:14,389 --> 00:05:16,490
Hey, Brian, you want to go for
a ride to behind the Kroger's?
139
00:05:16,524 --> 00:05:17,791
What?
140
00:05:17,826 --> 00:05:19,760
That's weird. What's that?
141
00:05:26,401 --> 00:05:28,569
Hello, Future Peter.
Hi.
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00:05:28,603 --> 00:05:30,971
By the time you watch this,
you'll be grown-up,
143
00:05:31,005 --> 00:05:32,706
so I'm sure you're allowed
to eat ice cream
144
00:05:32,741 --> 00:05:35,576
and pizza for every meal.
You know it.
145
00:05:35,610 --> 00:05:37,511
Also, I bet you're
a big important doctor
146
00:05:37,545 --> 00:05:40,681
like that Doogie Howser kid
who's getting so much ass.
147
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:41,849
Well, I was partly right.
148
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:42,916
I just hope to God
149
00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:44,651
you're not stuck
in some loser job,
150
00:05:44,686 --> 00:05:46,420
like in a brewery,
or a toy factory,
151
00:05:46,454 --> 00:05:48,622
or a fishing boat.
Oh, boy.
152
00:05:48,656 --> 00:05:50,758
But, you know, I don't have
to worry about none of that.
153
00:05:50,792 --> 00:05:53,127
I'm sure you're
a big, successful doctor.
154
00:05:53,161 --> 00:05:55,129
Anyway, here's some
Conway Twitty.
155
00:05:55,163 --> 00:06:00,601
♪ I know it's only
make believe... ♪
156
00:06:00,635 --> 00:06:01,769
This is annoying.
157
00:06:01,803 --> 00:06:03,971
I don't want
to sit through this.
158
00:06:04,005 --> 00:06:07,708
Man, I guess I ain't the big
success I thought I'd be.
159
00:06:07,742 --> 00:06:09,109
I know what
you mean, Peter.
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00:06:09,144 --> 00:06:10,778
When I was young,
I thought that someday
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00:06:10,812 --> 00:06:12,679
I'd produce upworthy
web content.
162
00:06:12,714 --> 00:06:14,414
Am I doing it? Yes.
163
00:06:14,449 --> 00:06:15,983
But not everyone
is so lucky.
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00:06:16,017 --> 00:06:17,851
Damn it, I suck.
165
00:06:17,886 --> 00:06:19,720
I've never done
anything important.
166
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:23,123
Well, except for when I beat
Larry Bird for a Big Mac.
167
00:06:23,158 --> 00:06:24,992
Off the floor,
off the scoreboard,
168
00:06:25,026 --> 00:06:27,027
off the backboard,
no rim.
169
00:06:28,029 --> 00:06:30,631
♪ ♪
170
00:06:30,665 --> 00:06:32,399
Right near the basket,
underhanded,
171
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,301
effeminate gasp,
over the backboard,
172
00:06:34,335 --> 00:06:36,003
out of bounds, waddle
over to get it,
173
00:06:36,037 --> 00:06:37,838
slip on a towel,
twist my ankle,
174
00:06:37,872 --> 00:06:38,972
go to the emergency room,
175
00:06:39,007 --> 00:06:40,207
doctors tell me
it's not that bad
176
00:06:40,241 --> 00:06:41,375
and I shouldn't
have come there,
177
00:06:41,409 --> 00:06:42,943
I make them give me
a cast anyway,
178
00:06:42,977 --> 00:06:44,778
never play sports again.
179
00:06:44,813 --> 00:06:48,649
Hey, I won
the two-dollar sandwich.
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00:06:50,819 --> 00:06:55,622
♪ Highway
to the danger zone... ♪
181
00:06:55,657 --> 00:06:56,924
Look at me.
182
00:06:56,958 --> 00:06:59,059
I was beautiful.
183
00:06:59,093 --> 00:07:00,327
What are you
watching?
184
00:07:00,361 --> 00:07:02,629
It's just a teenage loser
who didn't realize
185
00:07:02,664 --> 00:07:04,431
he had no future
in front of him.
186
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:05,699
Well, when you're
done with this,
187
00:07:05,733 --> 00:07:08,502
Stewie is trapped between
his crib and the wall.
188
00:07:08,536 --> 00:07:10,771
Help. Somebody help!
189
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:12,706
He's watching
an old video.
190
00:07:12,740 --> 00:07:14,942
Okay, when he's done then.
191
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:22,616
♪ Gonna take you
right into the danger zone... ♪
192
00:07:22,650 --> 00:07:24,551
Oh, my God!
193
00:07:24,586 --> 00:07:28,288
He's just rhyming "danger zone"
with "danger zone."
194
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:30,224
Holy crap!
195
00:07:30,258 --> 00:07:32,392
Chris, I was
just like you!
196
00:07:32,427 --> 00:07:33,794
What?
197
00:07:33,828 --> 00:07:35,128
Listen to me, Chris.
198
00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:37,030
I'm a failure in life,
and that's all I'll ever be.
199
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,398
But it's not too late for you.
200
00:07:38,433 --> 00:07:40,300
I won't let you go down my path.
201
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,869
What are you saying, Dad?
202
00:07:41,903 --> 00:07:44,104
I'm saying, Chris,
I am going to make sure
203
00:07:44,138 --> 00:07:46,306
that you grow up
to be a success.
204
00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:48,742
Yeah, I'm going to be
a success!
205
00:07:48,776 --> 00:07:50,777
Uh, would you excuse me
for a moment?
206
00:07:53,815 --> 00:07:56,250
Computer, what does
"success" mean?
207
00:07:56,284 --> 00:07:58,404
Chris, let me know when you're
done with the computer.
208
00:08:03,474 --> 00:08:04,975
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
209
00:08:05,009 --> 00:08:06,142
No TV for you, Chris.
210
00:08:06,177 --> 00:08:09,012
TV is how stupid losers
spend their time.
211
00:08:09,046 --> 00:08:10,680
Peter, what is this all about?
212
00:08:10,715 --> 00:08:12,415
I'm trying to save
our son, Lois.
213
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,917
I don't want him
to end up like me--
214
00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:15,885
dead-end job,
crappy house,
215
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:18,221
aging wife who's getting skinny
where fat's supposed to be,
216
00:08:18,255 --> 00:08:20,156
and fat where skinny's
supposed to be.
217
00:08:20,191 --> 00:08:22,359
Ha!
Meg, go to your room.
218
00:08:22,393 --> 00:08:24,294
Look, Peter, I'm glad
you're thinking
219
00:08:24,328 --> 00:08:26,563
about Chris' future,
but he's fine.
220
00:08:26,597 --> 00:08:28,498
He's a perfectly
normal kid.
221
00:08:28,532 --> 00:08:30,133
Are you crazy?
Look at him.
222
00:08:30,167 --> 00:08:33,103
He's over there intentionally
giving himself a nosebleed.
223
00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:37,741
Yay!
My nose is finally a woman!
224
00:08:39,310 --> 00:08:42,912
Okay, so maybe he's a little
rough around the edges, but--
225
00:08:42,947 --> 00:08:45,415
Oh, boy, a little
got in my mouth there.
226
00:08:45,449 --> 00:08:46,816
Yeah, I'm gonna have
to wash this shirt.
227
00:08:46,851 --> 00:08:48,018
Anyway, I'm going
to help Chris
228
00:08:48,052 --> 00:08:49,552
become a big,
important success.
229
00:08:49,587 --> 00:08:52,989
The same way Mumford turned
his son into a success.
230
00:08:53,024 --> 00:08:54,958
Okay, Dad, heading out
to the concert.
231
00:08:54,992 --> 00:08:56,559
Now, hold on a minute, son.
232
00:08:56,594 --> 00:08:57,961
Where are your arm garters?
233
00:08:57,995 --> 00:08:59,763
Your string tie?
Your woolen vest?
234
00:08:59,797 --> 00:09:01,865
You look nothing like
a dry goods clerk
235
00:09:01,899 --> 00:09:03,433
from the Garfield
administration.
236
00:09:03,467 --> 00:09:04,501
But, Dad...
237
00:09:04,535 --> 00:09:06,036
No buts! You're a Mumford.
238
00:09:06,070 --> 00:09:07,170
Now get upstairs,
239
00:09:07,204 --> 00:09:08,638
put on a jaunty
travelling hat,
240
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,608
and write the same song
25 times.
241
00:09:15,046 --> 00:09:16,746
Okay, now, Chris, if you
want to be a success,
242
00:09:16,781 --> 00:09:18,782
you gotta look worldly
and sophisticated.
243
00:09:18,816 --> 00:09:21,084
And to do that, you got
to dress like Lenny Kravitz,
244
00:09:21,118 --> 00:09:24,120
with little something from every
part of he world pinned on you.
245
00:09:24,155 --> 00:09:26,623
Leather bracelets!
Nipple ring!
246
00:09:26,657 --> 00:09:28,425
Zippers where zippers
shouldn't be!
247
00:09:28,459 --> 00:09:30,260
Wilma Flintstone
pearl necklaces!
248
00:09:30,294 --> 00:09:32,362
A fur shrug
with crocheted sleeves!
249
00:09:32,396 --> 00:09:33,530
A hat on a hat!
250
00:09:33,564 --> 00:09:35,031
A watch on your pinky toe!
251
00:09:35,066 --> 00:09:37,267
And nothing says,
"Look at me, I've been places"
252
00:09:37,301 --> 00:09:40,537
like two lit road flares
hanging from your sunglasses.
253
00:09:40,571 --> 00:09:42,439
Hey, you look like
you've been places.
254
00:09:42,473 --> 00:09:43,440
Stop looking at me!
255
00:09:43,474 --> 00:09:46,476
I do not want
this attention!
256
00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:48,411
Come on, Chris,
let's get out of here.
257
00:10:01,759 --> 00:10:03,426
Uh, what are you doing?
258
00:10:03,461 --> 00:10:04,794
Well, I been trying
to make Chris
259
00:10:04,829 --> 00:10:06,896
less of a fat dummy,
and nothing seems to be working,
260
00:10:06,931 --> 00:10:09,365
so now we're high-stepping
around in giant hats.
261
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,767
Tip of the giant hat, sir.
262
00:10:10,801 --> 00:10:12,368
And to you, sir!
263
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:14,504
Yes, sir, smart day
to you, sir.
264
00:10:14,538 --> 00:10:15,805
And I thank you, sir.
265
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:21,544
I scraped my knee bad!
266
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:23,313
Get up, Chris, you're
embarrassing yourself.
267
00:10:23,347 --> 00:10:24,814
You look stupid and fat.
268
00:10:24,849 --> 00:10:26,015
Peter, I have to ask--
269
00:10:26,050 --> 00:10:27,550
are you pushing
Chris so hard
270
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:29,119
because it's what's
best for him?
271
00:10:29,153 --> 00:10:31,287
Or are you trying to make up
or your own disappointment
272
00:10:31,322 --> 00:10:32,756
about how your life
turned out?
273
00:10:32,790 --> 00:10:34,591
Brian, these are the biggest
hats I could find,
274
00:10:34,625 --> 00:10:36,826
so if your point is that there's
even larger ones available,
275
00:10:36,861 --> 00:10:38,695
I would greet that
with skepticism.
276
00:10:38,729 --> 00:10:40,363
No, no, no, my point is
that you need to let Chris
277
00:10:40,397 --> 00:10:41,898
find his own path.
278
00:10:42,933 --> 00:10:44,267
Oh, my God,
you're right, Brian.
279
00:10:44,301 --> 00:10:47,070
He needs to be pointed
to a very specific path.
280
00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:48,605
And then forced to go down it.
281
00:10:48,639 --> 00:10:50,840
No, no, that's-that's the
opposite of what I just said.
282
00:10:50,875 --> 00:10:52,509
Chris, your best
chance for success
283
00:10:52,543 --> 00:10:54,911
is to be cultured and
worldly, like our dog.
284
00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:56,379
So starting right now,
285
00:10:56,413 --> 00:10:58,882
you gotta follow Brian around
and do everything he does.
286
00:10:58,916 --> 00:11:00,183
What?!
Come on, Brian.
287
00:11:00,217 --> 00:11:02,152
You gotta show Chris how
to turn out better than me.
288
00:11:02,186 --> 00:11:03,453
I mean, you went to Brown,
289
00:11:03,487 --> 00:11:04,988
you're a published author,
290
00:11:05,022 --> 00:11:07,257
you can hear it first when
Joe falls out of the tub.
291
00:11:07,291 --> 00:11:08,958
That's starting
to happen more often.
292
00:11:08,993 --> 00:11:10,393
But I guess you're right.
293
00:11:10,427 --> 00:11:11,995
Maybe I am the guy
to make a diamond
294
00:11:12,029 --> 00:11:13,363
out of this lump of coal.
295
00:11:13,397 --> 00:11:14,898
But only if
it's what Chris wants.
296
00:11:14,932 --> 00:11:15,999
I don't care.
297
00:11:16,033 --> 00:11:17,133
All right, I'll do it.
298
00:11:17,168 --> 00:11:18,434
Just follow
my lead, Chris.
299
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:20,303
'Cause I think you
could be something great.
300
00:11:20,337 --> 00:11:21,771
Who knows?
Maybe you'll even become
301
00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:23,206
one of those mission
control leaders
302
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:25,875
who gets all thoughtful
while everybody's celebrating.
303
00:11:25,910 --> 00:11:30,013
Apollo 13, this is Mission
Control, do you copy?
304
00:11:30,047 --> 00:11:34,217
Apollo 13, this is
mission control, do you copy?
305
00:11:34,251 --> 00:11:36,886
Do you copy, Apollo 13?
306
00:11:38,355 --> 00:11:40,690
Mission Control,
this is Apollo 13.
307
00:11:40,724 --> 00:11:43,593
We're all okay.
Good to be home.
308
00:11:50,134 --> 00:11:51,467
Sir, you did it!
309
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:53,403
Sir, is everything okay?
310
00:11:53,437 --> 00:11:56,239
Eh, I bought a Nook e-reader
a couple of years ago
311
00:11:56,273 --> 00:11:58,908
and I'm still pissed about it.
312
00:12:01,445 --> 00:12:04,981
♪ ♪
313
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,992
♪ ♪
314
00:12:30,674 --> 00:12:32,742
♪ ♪
315
00:12:45,189 --> 00:12:49,192
♪ ♪
316
00:13:01,238 --> 00:13:04,440
Hey. Hey.
317
00:13:04,475 --> 00:13:06,142
Chew that way.
318
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:08,478
Eh, dinner's no fun
without Chris here.
319
00:13:08,512 --> 00:13:10,580
There's nobody here for me
to wing my biscuit at.
320
00:13:10,614 --> 00:13:13,917
Well, Peter, he's been spending
an awful lot of time with Bri--
321
00:13:13,951 --> 00:13:16,252
Eh, it's not
the same.
322
00:13:16,287 --> 00:13:19,355
Anyway, he and Brian have been
spending a lot of time together.
323
00:13:19,390 --> 00:13:21,357
Really? You're going
to let that slide?
324
00:13:21,392 --> 00:13:23,059
Guy throws
a biscuit at you?
325
00:13:23,093 --> 00:13:24,260
Good evening, all.
326
00:13:24,295 --> 00:13:25,995
Apologies for being so tardy.
327
00:13:26,030 --> 00:13:27,330
Aw, Chris,
you're not tardy.
328
00:13:27,364 --> 00:13:28,865
We tested you twice.
329
00:13:28,899 --> 00:13:31,868
There you guys are.
We were wondering about you.
330
00:13:31,902 --> 00:13:33,736
Brian and I have been
having a blast.
331
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,338
First we went
to a symphony.
332
00:13:35,372 --> 00:13:37,106
Then we saw a small
independent play
333
00:13:37,141 --> 00:13:38,908
with real smoking in it.
334
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,810
And then we hit
the Quahog Book Festival
335
00:13:40,844 --> 00:13:42,078
and went to a Q and A
336
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,480
to ask questions that
weren't really questions.
337
00:13:44,515 --> 00:13:47,517
Wow, look at my sophisticated
young man.
338
00:13:47,551 --> 00:13:50,086
You're certainly taking
to Brian's example.
339
00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,955
If anything,
he's teaching me.
340
00:13:51,989 --> 00:13:53,923
I mean, not really,
but you-you know.
341
00:13:53,958 --> 00:13:55,391
Aw, see, I knew Brian
342
00:13:55,426 --> 00:13:57,226
could put Chris on
the path to success.
343
00:13:57,261 --> 00:13:58,628
Hey, Chris,
let's celebrate.
344
00:13:58,662 --> 00:14:00,430
There's a new baby
panda at the zoo.
345
00:14:00,464 --> 00:14:02,765
How about you and me
go chuck tater tots at it?
346
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:03,766
Chuck them at Lois.
347
00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:04,901
She'll just sit there
and take it.
348
00:14:04,935 --> 00:14:05,969
Oh, Dad.
349
00:14:06,003 --> 00:14:07,870
That would've been fine
for the old me,
350
00:14:07,905 --> 00:14:09,939
but Brian and I
have to be going.
351
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,575
Oh. Okay.
352
00:14:12,609 --> 00:14:14,043
Yeah, we're off to see
an old movie
353
00:14:14,078 --> 00:14:16,612
on temporary screen
in a muddy, freezing park.
354
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,081
That sounds awful.
355
00:14:18,115 --> 00:14:19,349
It is awful.
356
00:14:19,383 --> 00:14:21,617
But at least parking
will be impossible.
357
00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:23,987
Bye!
358
00:14:24,021 --> 00:14:28,891
Geez, I... feel like
I just... lost my son.
359
00:14:28,926 --> 00:14:30,960
Aw, I got a skin tag in my crack
360
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,996
and it stings
when I don't wipe right.
361
00:14:33,030 --> 00:14:34,664
This has been
a bad dinner.
362
00:14:40,805 --> 00:14:42,038
There you two are.
363
00:14:42,072 --> 00:14:43,206
Sit down and join us.
364
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:44,374
I can't stay, Mom.
365
00:14:44,408 --> 00:14:45,408
Brian's showing me
366
00:14:45,443 --> 00:14:46,976
all of his favorite
stuff to do.
367
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,645
Getting spooked when
the furnace goes on?
368
00:14:48,679 --> 00:14:50,880
We're participating
in an autism walk.
369
00:14:50,915 --> 00:14:52,649
Looks like you're
doing it right now.
370
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,117
And we may be gone a while,
371
00:14:54,151 --> 00:14:55,919
'cause after that we're going
down to the Civic Center.
372
00:14:55,953 --> 00:14:58,755
Michael Ian Black is cocking
his eyebrows for four hours.
373
00:14:58,789 --> 00:15:02,058
Ha! He says the things
we don't care to say.
374
00:15:02,092 --> 00:15:03,493
Bye!
375
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:07,630
Man, I'm sick of how much time
Chris is spending with Brian.
376
00:15:07,665 --> 00:15:09,065
Probably smooching
pickles,
377
00:15:09,099 --> 00:15:10,667
'cause they're a couple
of pickle smoochers.
378
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:12,268
It's like he ain't
even my son no more,
379
00:15:12,303 --> 00:15:14,103
doing all that
fancy-pants stuff.
380
00:15:14,138 --> 00:15:15,872
Oh, Peter,
I know you miss him,
381
00:15:15,906 --> 00:15:17,674
but this is what
you wanted, isn't it?
382
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:20,243
Well, yeah, but I didn't
realize bettering himself
383
00:15:20,277 --> 00:15:22,078
meant blowing off
his old man.
384
00:15:22,112 --> 00:15:23,713
You know what?
The hell with this.
385
00:15:23,747 --> 00:15:26,049
I want my son back.
Peter, relax.
386
00:15:26,083 --> 00:15:27,951
Chris is just going
through a phase.
387
00:15:27,985 --> 00:15:29,586
He'll grow out of it.
388
00:15:29,620 --> 00:15:33,356
Just like you grew out of your
"Walk Like An Egyptian" phase.
389
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,725
Paul was a good man.
390
00:15:35,759 --> 00:15:37,627
A good friend.
391
00:15:37,661 --> 00:15:42,932
I'll... I'll always remember
how supportive he was when...
392
00:15:42,967 --> 00:15:44,934
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
393
00:15:44,969 --> 00:15:46,669
I can't-I can't-
I can't do this.
394
00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,646
Check it out, Lois--
when Chris notices
395
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,615
that "World's Greatest
Son" mug I made,
396
00:15:58,649 --> 00:16:01,251
he'll be back on board with
his old man in no time.
397
00:16:01,285 --> 00:16:03,052
Hey, Chris,
what's on the mug?
398
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:05,421
"World's Greatest Sun."
399
00:16:05,456 --> 00:16:07,724
This world only has one sun.
400
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,727
What kind of idiot
made this mug?
401
00:16:13,197 --> 00:16:16,165
♪ When everything's
made to be broken ♪
402
00:16:17,468 --> 00:16:22,672
♪ I just want you
to know who I am. ♪
403
00:16:25,209 --> 00:16:27,977
♪ It might seems crazy
what I'm about to say... ♪
404
00:16:30,381 --> 00:16:33,149
I'm very easily
influenced by music.
405
00:16:35,486 --> 00:16:38,021
All right, Chris, now I know
you're all sophisticated now,
406
00:16:38,055 --> 00:16:40,957
but no man can resist
the siren call
407
00:16:40,991 --> 00:16:43,760
of mentally impaired
supermodel Kate Upton.
408
00:16:43,794 --> 00:16:45,295
Mm, sorry, Dad.
409
00:16:45,329 --> 00:16:47,764
I'm more of a Catherine
Keener man now.
410
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:49,365
But, Chris, you got
to take advantage.
411
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,000
The clock's ticking
on Kate Upton.
412
00:16:51,035 --> 00:16:52,402
She's almost at the end
of her window.
413
00:16:53,537 --> 00:16:55,038
Yup, we missed it.
414
00:16:55,072 --> 00:16:56,606
Come on, get out of here.
415
00:17:04,582 --> 00:17:06,382
Sorry, Lois, I need the TV.
416
00:17:06,417 --> 00:17:07,951
I gotta win my son back.
417
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,485
What are you
talking about, Peter?
418
00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:10,787
Well, you know how
Brian's got Chris
419
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,956
watching all them fancy
foreign films now?
420
00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:14,657
Well, I figure I can
lure Chris in
421
00:17:14,692 --> 00:17:17,393
with this French movie--
Le Rocqué Trois.
422
00:17:21,799 --> 00:17:23,399
Rocqué!
423
00:17:23,434 --> 00:17:24,601
Adrienne!
424
00:17:24,635 --> 00:17:26,536
Rocqué!
Adrienne!
425
00:17:26,570 --> 00:17:28,638
J'pité Le fool.
426
00:17:28,672 --> 00:17:30,907
Oh, Clubbert Lange!
427
00:17:30,941 --> 00:17:32,609
Peter, this
is pointless.
428
00:17:32,643 --> 00:17:34,677
You wanted Chris
to be a better person
429
00:17:34,712 --> 00:17:35,945
with a bright future,
430
00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:38,982
and thanks to Brian,
that's what he has now.
431
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:41,517
Yeah, but, I don't even
recognize Chris these days.
432
00:17:41,552 --> 00:17:43,519
And I never get
to spend time with him.
433
00:17:43,554 --> 00:17:45,822
It's like Chris
ain't my friend no more.
434
00:17:53,097 --> 00:17:55,365
Thanks for coming to the book
club meeting, everyone.
435
00:17:55,399 --> 00:17:57,934
Well, I gotta say,
I loved this week's book--
436
00:17:57,968 --> 00:18:00,036
Annie Proulx's
The Shipping News.
437
00:18:00,070 --> 00:18:01,638
Yes, yes! Yes.
438
00:18:01,672 --> 00:18:03,873
Very Portnoy's Complaint.
439
00:18:03,907 --> 00:18:06,809
Uh, I don't... What, uh,
what do you mean by that?
440
00:18:06,844 --> 00:18:08,945
Oh, you know, just
with... the-the port,
441
00:18:08,979 --> 00:18:10,613
and the shipping.
442
00:18:10,648 --> 00:18:12,749
And of course,
in Portnoy's Complaint
443
00:18:12,783 --> 00:18:14,917
you've got the guy who's
living near the water...
444
00:18:14,952 --> 00:18:16,853
That doesn't sound right.
445
00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:19,622
...and he hated the noise
from the local port,
446
00:18:19,657 --> 00:18:21,324
so he filed one of
the very first
447
00:18:21,358 --> 00:18:24,193
port noise complaints
in maritime law.
448
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:25,962
And for those of us who
read the complaints,
449
00:18:25,996 --> 00:18:28,097
trust me, they were
very warranted.
450
00:18:28,132 --> 00:18:30,166
Brian, could I talk
to you over here?
451
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,968
Oh, let's dog-ear this
for a sec.
452
00:18:33,303 --> 00:18:35,538
This one gets it.
453
00:18:35,572 --> 00:18:37,607
Brian, what the hell
are you talking about?
454
00:18:37,641 --> 00:18:39,575
You clearly haven't read
either of those books.
455
00:18:39,610 --> 00:18:42,078
Whoa, Chris, now you're starting
to sound like Mark Twain,
456
00:18:42,112 --> 00:18:44,080
whose real name
was Samuel Clemens.
457
00:18:44,114 --> 00:18:45,848
Oh, that is so your go-to!
458
00:18:45,883 --> 00:18:47,517
I can't believe you.
459
00:18:47,551 --> 00:18:50,219
I thought you were this
worldly, sophisticated guy,
460
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,322
but you're just a fraud--
like Moses.
461
00:18:53,357 --> 00:18:55,358
And the Lord's Eleventh
Commandment--
462
00:18:55,392 --> 00:18:58,327
"Moses gets to be
first in line at the buffet."
463
00:18:58,362 --> 00:19:00,296
What?!
Oh, seriously?
464
00:19:00,330 --> 00:19:02,131
I know, you guys,
it's so lame,
465
00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:04,067
but that's what it says.
466
00:19:14,912 --> 00:19:16,279
Why are you doing that?
467
00:19:16,313 --> 00:19:18,614
Why are you hucking
tater tots at a baby panda?
468
00:19:18,649 --> 00:19:20,349
'Cause I'm oddly
attracted to him
469
00:19:20,384 --> 00:19:21,517
and it frightens me.
470
00:19:21,552 --> 00:19:23,619
See, this is why
you're so great, Dad.
471
00:19:23,654 --> 00:19:25,888
You don't pretend
to be someone you're not.
472
00:19:25,923 --> 00:19:29,325
You do what you want, and you
don't care what anyone thinks.
473
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:31,194
Well, I-I care what you think.
474
00:19:31,228 --> 00:19:34,831
Look, Chris, you're my kid,
and I want what's best for you,
475
00:19:34,865 --> 00:19:37,100
but I guess
I just don't want you
476
00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:39,102
to become too good
for your old man.
477
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,236
Don't worry, Dad.
478
00:19:40,270 --> 00:19:41,738
I could never be
too good for you
479
00:19:41,772 --> 00:19:43,139
because you're the best.
480
00:19:43,173 --> 00:19:45,775
And I want to be just like you
when I grow up.
481
00:19:45,809 --> 00:19:49,178
Really?
Aw, thanks, Chris.
482
00:19:49,213 --> 00:19:50,446
Tater tot?
483
00:19:53,283 --> 00:19:54,851
It's fun, right?
Yeah!
484
00:19:54,885 --> 00:19:57,386
And the mama panda doesn't
do anything about it,
485
00:19:57,421 --> 00:20:00,356
because she was blinded to make
her more submissive.
486
00:20:00,390 --> 00:20:01,557
Ha-ha! You're right.
487
00:20:01,592 --> 00:20:03,459
You know, Chris,
all this started
488
00:20:03,494 --> 00:20:06,129
'cause I was feeling bad
about being a failure.
489
00:20:06,163 --> 00:20:08,364
But you know what?
I got you for a son.
490
00:20:08,398 --> 00:20:11,134
So maybe I did something right.
491
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:13,102
I love you, Dad.
492
00:20:16,874 --> 00:20:18,174
Come on, Chris.
493
00:20:18,208 --> 00:20:21,244
Let's go get an $18 Coke at
the terrible zoo restaurant.
494
00:20:21,278 --> 00:20:25,047
Yay! Sticky tables
covered in bees!
495
00:20:29,653 --> 00:20:31,187
Coming up, we'll tell you
where to look
496
00:20:31,221 --> 00:20:33,422
when talking to a coworker
in the bathroom.
497
00:20:33,457 --> 00:20:35,291
The answer
might surprise you.
498
00:20:35,325 --> 00:20:37,915
Well, I think we all
learned something today.
499
00:20:37,916 --> 00:20:40,017
In other news,
TVs still make noise,
500
00:20:40,051 --> 00:20:41,885
even when people
resume their conversations.
501
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,320
Yes, studies have determined...
That's right, Peter.
502
00:20:43,655 --> 00:20:45,255
And it's the most important lesson.
503
00:20:45,290 --> 00:20:46,530
Everyone should be
who they are.
504
00:20:47,341 --> 00:20:48,661
Success is being
true to yourself.
505
00:20:49,538 --> 00:20:50,938
Amen, Mom.
506
00:20:50,973 --> 00:20:53,886
But to have the love of your
family, that's true success.
507
00:20:54,049 --> 00:20:55,216
Let's go ahead and
turn off the TV.
508
00:20:55,250 --> 00:20:57,218
There we go.
509
00:20:57,252 --> 00:21:03,752
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man