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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,873
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:10,577
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:13,580
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 14x07 ♪
Hot Pocket-Dial Original Air Date on November 22, 2015
11
00:00:29,740 --> 00:00:36,240
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
12
00:00:36,241 --> 00:00:38,308
Ah, Smitty's Steakhouse.
13
00:00:38,543 --> 00:00:40,911
You know, this was the
fanciest restaurant in Quahog
14
00:00:40,945 --> 00:00:43,680
when I was a kid.
The ladies' room has a big space
15
00:00:43,715 --> 00:00:46,083
with chairs in it, like a living
room, before you get back
16
00:00:46,117 --> 00:00:47,351
to where the crappers are.
17
00:00:47,385 --> 00:00:49,186
Good evening and
welcome to Smitty's.
18
00:00:49,220 --> 00:00:51,188
I'll be back with
martinis for Mom and Dad,
19
00:00:51,222 --> 00:00:53,890
and for you kids,
some martinis.
20
00:00:53,925 --> 00:00:55,559
Dad, can you pass
the bread?
21
00:00:55,593 --> 00:00:57,995
Sure. But don't forget
the butter that looks like
22
00:00:58,029 --> 00:01:01,298
decorative bathroom soaps and
is impossible to smear.
23
00:01:04,369 --> 00:01:08,005
Thanks, Dad!
This really ruins it!
24
00:01:08,039 --> 00:01:09,740
What will you
be having, sir?
25
00:01:09,774 --> 00:01:12,309
Yes, I'll have what I had last
time: pheasant on the glass.
26
00:01:12,343 --> 00:01:14,211
Don't you mean
"pheasant under glass"?
27
00:01:14,245 --> 00:01:15,479
Nope.
28
00:01:17,582 --> 00:01:21,585
Yeah. Now turn around
and lay an egg on the glass.
29
00:01:23,755 --> 00:01:25,989
Aw, yeah.
30
00:01:26,024 --> 00:01:29,726
I defy you to tell me
exactly what's wrong with this.
31
00:01:33,464 --> 00:01:35,866
Oh, Peter, look.
You can put your business card
32
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,868
in this bowl
and maybe win a free lunch.
33
00:01:37,902 --> 00:01:39,703
I don't have a
business card.
34
00:01:39,737 --> 00:01:41,905
And I think
you knew that.
35
00:01:41,939 --> 00:01:43,573
I hope you enjoyed
your meal, sir.
36
00:01:43,608 --> 00:01:46,076
May I offer you a toothpick?
Oh, I-I don't know.
37
00:01:46,110 --> 00:01:48,078
We've already spent
a lot of money in here tonight.
38
00:01:48,112 --> 00:01:51,148
No, sir, it-it's free.
39
00:01:52,784 --> 00:01:55,218
Oh!
40
00:01:58,389 --> 00:02:00,357
Peter, that's not how
you use a toothpick.
41
00:02:00,391 --> 00:02:01,858
You pick your teeth
with it.
42
00:02:01,893 --> 00:02:04,428
I cannot believe I have
to explain this to you.
43
00:02:04,462 --> 00:02:07,464
There are gaps in my knowledge.
This is hardly news.
44
00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:10,867
Wow, this is awesome!
45
00:02:10,902 --> 00:02:13,737
This is like
I'm having a whole second meal!
46
00:02:15,406 --> 00:02:18,375
Man, this just feels right.
47
00:02:18,409 --> 00:02:21,445
That's it. From here on out, I
am about all things toothpick.
48
00:02:21,479 --> 00:02:23,947
I'm gonna go everywhere with
it, always be chewin' on it,
49
00:02:23,981 --> 00:02:25,716
and start all my
sentences with,
50
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:27,284
"All right, here's
what you're gonna do."
51
00:02:27,318 --> 00:02:29,286
Excuse me, we're
from out of town.
52
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:31,922
Where do people go to listen
to live music around here?
53
00:02:31,956 --> 00:02:33,924
I'll handle this. All right,
here's what you're gonna do:
54
00:02:33,958 --> 00:02:35,759
skip the live music.
Get yourself a room
55
00:02:35,793 --> 00:02:37,928
over at the Wickford Marina.
Take her out on a balcony,
56
00:02:37,962 --> 00:02:40,163
point to any boat in the harbor,
and tell her it's yours.
57
00:02:40,198 --> 00:02:42,265
Now, you got rubbers?
Now that I'm a toothpick guy,
58
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,267
I call 'em rubbers. Or you could
just pull the hose out
59
00:02:44,302 --> 00:02:45,769
of the bucket
and let it spray free.
60
00:02:45,803 --> 00:02:48,872
I've had a vasectomy.
61
00:02:51,709 --> 00:02:54,344
Chris, now that I'm a toothpick
guy, it's my job to sit
62
00:02:54,378 --> 00:02:56,346
on a BMX bike
outside the rec center
63
00:02:56,380 --> 00:02:58,782
and ask every kid
if they're the new kid.
64
00:02:58,816 --> 00:03:00,784
Hey. You the new kid?
65
00:03:00,818 --> 00:03:02,452
Why?
Never mind why.
66
00:03:02,487 --> 00:03:05,455
Got any cool toys?
Uh, I got an Xbox.
67
00:03:05,490 --> 00:03:08,024
How about you?
I got a Barbie with a wiener on it.
68
00:03:08,059 --> 00:03:11,027
Took a thumb from a G.I. Joe,
put it on with superglue.
69
00:03:11,062 --> 00:03:13,296
Looks pretty real.
Real enough, anyways.
70
00:03:13,331 --> 00:03:15,365
Does the job.
Does what job?
71
00:03:15,399 --> 00:03:17,968
You get it. My family
moves around a lot
72
00:03:18,002 --> 00:03:19,636
'cause I do stuff like this.
73
00:03:19,670 --> 00:03:21,138
Um... okay.
74
00:03:21,172 --> 00:03:23,039
I got to go now.
You sure you don't want
75
00:03:23,074 --> 00:03:24,975
to come over and pull
on my cat's nipples?
76
00:03:25,009 --> 00:03:28,345
We can do anything,
'cause my mom has two jobs.
77
00:03:30,381 --> 00:03:31,848
All right,
I'm off to the fish market.
78
00:03:31,883 --> 00:03:33,450
What? Why?
79
00:03:33,484 --> 00:03:35,519
Well, the most intimidating
people are toothpick guys
80
00:03:35,553 --> 00:03:37,687
who work at seafood counters
and make people uncomfortable
81
00:03:37,722 --> 00:03:39,623
for not knowing
about fish.
82
00:03:39,657 --> 00:03:41,057
What's good here?
It's all good.
83
00:03:41,092 --> 00:03:42,559
What's the freshest?
It's all fresh.
84
00:03:42,593 --> 00:03:43,827
How 'bout the halibut?
Is it gamey?
85
00:03:43,851 --> 00:03:44,761
Gamey?
86
00:03:44,762 --> 00:03:46,997
I mean, you know, is it fishy?
It's all fish.
87
00:03:47,031 --> 00:03:49,733
Is there a special way to prepare it?
I'd cook it up.
88
00:03:49,767 --> 00:03:51,334
W-Well, what's
the best fish here?
89
00:03:51,369 --> 00:03:52,502
What's your favorite fish?
90
00:03:52,537 --> 00:03:55,405
I don't eat fish.
I only like spaghetti.
91
00:03:59,977 --> 00:04:02,179
Ugh, when are you gonna
get rid of that toothpick?
92
00:04:02,213 --> 00:04:04,681
It's disgusting,
and it's starting to smell.
93
00:04:04,715 --> 00:04:06,674
Why would I give it up?
It's gettin' me tons of tail.
94
00:04:06,698 --> 00:04:07,784
What?
95
00:04:07,785 --> 00:04:11,221
And check this out.
The rare triple toothpick flip.
96
00:04:16,527 --> 00:04:18,728
Oh, my God,
are you all right?
97
00:04:18,763 --> 00:04:20,564
No, I swallowed it!
98
00:04:20,598 --> 00:04:22,332
My toothpick! It's gone!
99
00:04:22,366 --> 00:04:24,401
Damn it! I'm gonna need
you to put that large
100
00:04:24,435 --> 00:04:26,036
two-handed colander
over the toilet.
101
00:04:26,070 --> 00:04:28,038
Peter, that was
a wedding present from my aunt.
102
00:04:28,072 --> 00:04:29,472
Well, let's use
the ice cream maker!
103
00:04:29,507 --> 00:04:30,607
We've never used it once!
104
00:04:30,641 --> 00:04:33,610
Calm down. You can always get
another toothpick.
105
00:04:33,644 --> 00:04:35,212
Oh, my God, you're right!
106
00:04:35,246 --> 00:04:36,713
Lois, we got to drive
to Smitty's right now
107
00:04:36,747 --> 00:04:39,115
and get one.
Now? But we told Chris
108
00:04:39,150 --> 00:04:41,885
we'd be there
when he wakes up from surgery.
109
00:04:43,221 --> 00:04:45,689
All right, we were able
to fix your hernia,
110
00:04:45,723 --> 00:04:48,091
but you've got to stop lifting
sewer hole covers.
111
00:04:48,125 --> 00:04:49,860
But the Ninja Turtles
live down there.
112
00:04:49,894 --> 00:04:51,094
I'm friends with them.
113
00:04:51,128 --> 00:04:53,196
Hey, fat ass,
I brought you flowers.
114
00:04:53,231 --> 00:04:55,932
But stay out of the sewers!
We're trying to work down there.
115
00:04:55,967 --> 00:04:58,235
Thanks, Donatello!
116
00:04:59,971 --> 00:05:01,371
Oh, thank God!
117
00:05:01,405 --> 00:05:03,240
Quick, we need
another toothpick!
118
00:05:03,274 --> 00:05:06,676
Thank you, Maurice.
119
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,355
Just get your toothpick
and let's get out of here.
120
00:05:18,389 --> 00:05:19,656
Ugh. No, thanks.
121
00:05:19,690 --> 00:05:22,092
That old lady has ruined
toothpicks for me.
122
00:05:22,126 --> 00:05:24,327
Just like how Meg
ruined broccoli.
123
00:05:24,362 --> 00:05:26,329
Hey, Meg, look,
they're little trees!
124
00:05:26,364 --> 00:05:27,597
No, they're not.
125
00:05:27,632 --> 00:05:29,833
They're not?!
126
00:05:29,867 --> 00:05:32,269
Hey, Peter!
127
00:05:32,303 --> 00:05:34,938
Oh, look, there's Quagmire
and his transgendered mother,
128
00:05:34,972 --> 00:05:38,141
which is now great.
129
00:05:38,175 --> 00:05:39,509
Hey, Quagmire. Hey, Ida.
130
00:05:39,543 --> 00:05:41,144
I didn't know
you liked Smitty's.
131
00:05:41,178 --> 00:05:42,812
Oh, yeah, I've been coming here
for ages.
132
00:05:42,847 --> 00:05:44,581
They even named a sandwich
after me.
133
00:05:44,615 --> 00:05:46,983
It's an inside-out hot dog
slathered in ketchup.
134
00:05:47,018 --> 00:05:49,119
Please, please
join us.
135
00:05:49,153 --> 00:05:52,122
Oh, we wouldn't want
to interrupt your brave dinner.
136
00:05:52,156 --> 00:05:53,790
Nonsense, we're happy
to have you.
137
00:05:53,824 --> 00:05:55,392
All right,
but we already ate dinner,
138
00:05:55,426 --> 00:05:58,962
so maybe just an iceberg wedge,
a steak, and some sides.
139
00:05:58,996 --> 00:06:01,331
And then I said something random
that suggested
140
00:06:01,365 --> 00:06:02,999
a whole crazy story!
141
00:06:05,503 --> 00:06:07,470
Oh, God, that's
hilarious, Lois.
142
00:06:07,505 --> 00:06:09,306
I could listen to
you talk all night.
143
00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:11,908
Yeah, but we got to get going.
Carter's our babysitter,
144
00:06:11,943 --> 00:06:15,078
and if he's with the kids too
long, they start sayin' racisms.
145
00:06:15,112 --> 00:06:17,080
Aw, I wish the fun didn't have
to end.
146
00:06:17,114 --> 00:06:19,649
I always enjoy spending time
with you two.
147
00:06:19,684 --> 00:06:21,451
Well, why don't you
come over tomorrow?
148
00:06:21,485 --> 00:06:24,788
We'll fire up the grill and have
the gang over for a cookout.
149
00:06:24,822 --> 00:06:27,190
Well, that sounds wonderful.
Well, great, we'll be there!
150
00:06:27,224 --> 00:06:29,125
Hey, before you two
leave, let's take a photo.
151
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:31,461
Yeah! Selfie!
152
00:06:31,495 --> 00:06:33,863
I just learned that word.
153
00:06:36,867 --> 00:06:39,336
Perfect! Well, good
night, you guys.
154
00:06:39,370 --> 00:06:41,671
See you tomorrow,
hashtags!
155
00:06:41,706 --> 00:06:44,040
You're not doin'
that right.
156
00:06:47,545 --> 00:06:49,946
Boy, that Lois is really
something, isn't she?
157
00:06:49,981 --> 00:06:52,849
Yeah. Peter's
a lucky guy.
158
00:06:52,883 --> 00:06:54,451
Glenn, do you...
159
00:06:54,485 --> 00:06:56,853
do you have feelings for her?
160
00:06:56,887 --> 00:06:59,189
- What?
- No.
161
00:06:59,223 --> 00:07:00,623
A mother always knows.
162
00:07:00,658 --> 00:07:02,625
You like to play the
field, but, deep down,
163
00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:05,395
you really wish you had a
woman like Lois, don't you?
164
00:07:05,429 --> 00:07:07,230
No, I don't want a woman
like Lois.
165
00:07:07,264 --> 00:07:09,065
I want Lois.
166
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,401
She's perfect.
I've loved her for years.
167
00:07:11,435 --> 00:07:13,903
She's warm and kind
and beautiful.
168
00:07:13,938 --> 00:07:16,373
I've never been so in love
with anyone.
169
00:07:16,407 --> 00:07:18,208
Glenn, that's
very sweet,
170
00:07:18,242 --> 00:07:20,710
but you're talking about
your best friend's wife.
171
00:07:20,745 --> 00:07:22,312
I know, I know.
It's wrong.
172
00:07:22,346 --> 00:07:23,713
And Peter's
a good friend.
173
00:07:23,748 --> 00:07:25,648
Not like Cleveland.
174
00:07:25,683 --> 00:07:27,717
Hey, I got two
of these phone books.
175
00:07:27,752 --> 00:07:29,319
Didn't know
if you wanted one.
176
00:07:29,353 --> 00:07:31,488
Hey, how long
have we known each other?
177
00:07:31,522 --> 00:07:35,492
Long time. And yet we've never
discussed mothers' maiden names,
178
00:07:35,526 --> 00:07:38,728
the names of old pets,
high school mascots,
179
00:07:38,763 --> 00:07:41,164
favorite teachers.
Heck, I don't even know
180
00:07:41,198 --> 00:07:43,166
the last four digits
of your Social.
181
00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:45,001
Cleveland, do you need
to borrow some money?
182
00:07:45,036 --> 00:07:47,019
I do!
They're gonna kill Donna!
183
00:07:47,020 --> 00:07:47,657
Really?
184
00:07:47,681 --> 00:07:49,987
No. I just want
to buy a man's fur coat.
185
00:07:50,274 --> 00:07:52,042
Get out of here.
186
00:07:54,812 --> 00:07:56,546
Hey, Peter,
187
00:07:56,580 --> 00:07:58,381
I had an extra
phone book, and I...
188
00:07:58,416 --> 00:08:00,717
I'm not buyin' you that coat!
189
00:08:07,158 --> 00:08:09,359
Huh? Who? What?
190
00:08:09,393 --> 00:08:11,361
Yeah, what? What? Which
doggy in what window?
191
00:08:11,395 --> 00:08:13,029
So, how'd everything go?
192
00:08:13,064 --> 00:08:14,864
Hard to tell. I was
coughing the whole time.
193
00:08:14,899 --> 00:08:16,866
By the way, I couldn't figure
out how to use your oven,
194
00:08:16,901 --> 00:08:18,601
so I destroyed it
in a blind rage.
195
00:08:18,636 --> 00:08:20,403
Well, good night.
196
00:08:20,438 --> 00:08:24,407
Ooh, after that steak, I got
to go lay down on the toilet.
197
00:08:25,736 --> 00:08:27,643
Huh. Looks like I got
a couple of messages.
198
00:08:28,279 --> 00:08:29,913
Uh, Dad? Dad?
199
00:08:29,947 --> 00:08:31,748
Grandpa's going nuts
on the oven.
200
00:08:31,782 --> 00:08:32,982
Can you come home quick?
201
00:08:33,017 --> 00:08:34,484
Who the hell is that?
202
00:08:34,518 --> 00:08:36,753
Huh. There's one from Quagmire.
203
00:08:37,927 --> 00:08:39,933
Huh, must've pocket-dialed me
again.
204
00:08:39,957 --> 00:08:42,425
I want Lois. She's perfect.
205
00:08:42,460 --> 00:08:43,993
I've loved her for years.
206
00:08:44,028 --> 00:08:46,596
She's warm and kind
and beautiful.
207
00:08:46,630 --> 00:08:48,598
I've never been so in love
with anyone.
208
00:08:48,632 --> 00:08:50,600
Oh, my God.
209
00:08:50,634 --> 00:08:52,836
Quagmire's in love with my wife?
210
00:08:52,870 --> 00:08:54,671
Hello?
211
00:08:54,705 --> 00:08:56,906
Peter, I'm having troubles
on the toilet.
212
00:08:56,941 --> 00:08:58,174
Bring the ice cream maker.
213
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:05,208
Brian, there's somethin' I
got to talk to you about.
214
00:09:05,242 --> 00:09:07,777
Quagmire pocket-dialed
me last night.
215
00:09:07,811 --> 00:09:09,879
You got to hear this.
216
00:09:09,914 --> 00:09:12,048
I want Lois. She's perfect.
217
00:09:12,082 --> 00:09:14,551
I've loved her for years.
Oh, my God!
218
00:09:14,585 --> 00:09:16,553
He's in love
with Lois?
219
00:09:16,587 --> 00:09:18,221
Yeah, and if you keep
listenin', you can hear
220
00:09:18,255 --> 00:09:20,757
a Puerto Rican busboy get
fired in the background.
221
00:09:20,791 --> 00:09:23,393
It's pretty funny. He cries.
But can you believe Quagmire?!
222
00:09:23,427 --> 00:09:25,061
Well, I guess
it's not that shocking.
223
00:09:25,095 --> 00:09:27,797
I mean, he has said 100 times
that he wants to bang Lois.
224
00:09:27,831 --> 00:09:29,966
No, no, no, that's just
Quagmire bein' a horndog.
225
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,768
This is love.
226
00:09:31,802 --> 00:09:33,903
I don't know, I think you're making
too big a deal out of this.
227
00:09:33,938 --> 00:09:36,205
Too big a deal?! The guy's
been sitting next to me
228
00:09:36,240 --> 00:09:37,907
all these years,
acting like he's my friend,
229
00:09:37,942 --> 00:09:40,143
when all he really wants
is to be with my wife!
230
00:09:40,177 --> 00:09:41,878
Geez, calm down.
No, I'm telling you,
231
00:09:41,912 --> 00:09:43,947
he's gonna try to take
Lois away from me.
232
00:09:43,981 --> 00:09:45,915
You know what? I'm going
over there right now
233
00:09:45,950 --> 00:09:48,718
and hit him with a shovel, like
a white trash YouTube girl.
234
00:09:48,752 --> 00:09:49,986
Peter, wait, wait.
Listen.
235
00:09:50,020 --> 00:09:52,422
Delete that message
and pretend you never heard it.
236
00:09:52,456 --> 00:09:53,623
What? Why?
237
00:09:53,657 --> 00:09:55,325
Because you weren't meant
to hear it.
238
00:09:55,359 --> 00:09:58,161
If you act on this, all you'll
do is wreck your friendship
239
00:09:58,195 --> 00:09:59,996
and cause heartache
for everyone involved.
240
00:10:00,030 --> 00:10:01,286
What, so what am I supposed
to do, just ignore it?
241
00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:03,535
Yeah. Ignore it.
Like you do with the ghost
242
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:06,186
of that colonial woman who
died falling down our stairs.
243
00:10:06,971 --> 00:10:11,074
I saw you
eat a crayon...
244
00:10:11,108 --> 00:10:13,443
It was purple.
I thought it was grape.
245
00:10:13,477 --> 00:10:15,578
Look, you've got to be
the bigger man.
246
00:10:15,613 --> 00:10:17,614
You got to just keep this
to yourself.
247
00:10:17,648 --> 00:10:19,649
Fine,
I won't say anything.
248
00:10:19,683 --> 00:10:21,784
Good. And don't be
passive-aggressive, either.
249
00:10:21,819 --> 00:10:24,621
Like one of those songs
in an old musical.
250
00:10:25,856 --> 00:10:27,857
♪ You're hideous ♪
251
00:10:27,891 --> 00:10:29,759
♪ To be without ♪
252
00:10:29,793 --> 00:10:31,427
♪ You're big and fat ♪
253
00:10:31,462 --> 00:10:33,196
♪ In the heart,
no doubt ♪
254
00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:34,964
♪ You're a horrible loss ♪
255
00:10:34,999 --> 00:10:37,033
♪ If you won't be my wife ♪
256
00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:39,268
♪ You're a raging,
continuous ♪
257
00:10:39,303 --> 00:10:42,405
♪ Love in my life... ♪
258
00:10:49,013 --> 00:10:50,446
Pretty good turnout
for this thing.
259
00:10:50,481 --> 00:10:52,849
Oh, yeah, Mort
and Neil Goldman.
260
00:10:52,883 --> 00:10:54,817
It's like Coachella.
261
00:10:58,322 --> 00:10:59,989
There's that son of a bitch!
262
00:11:00,024 --> 00:11:01,991
He's got some nerve
showing up here.
263
00:11:02,026 --> 00:11:03,860
Peter, remember what
we talked about.
264
00:11:03,894 --> 00:11:05,561
Look at them clouds
up there.
265
00:11:05,596 --> 00:11:07,163
Yeah, that one
look like Nathan.
266
00:11:07,197 --> 00:11:08,798
That one look
like Shawn.
267
00:11:08,832 --> 00:11:10,366
And there go Wanya
over there.
268
00:11:10,401 --> 00:11:13,369
How blessed are we to have
all them Boyz II Men
269
00:11:13,404 --> 00:11:15,638
just floating around
in the sky?
270
00:11:15,673 --> 00:11:17,073
Glenn! Ida!
You made it!
271
00:11:17,107 --> 00:11:18,908
Hey, Lois. I brought
the hamburger buns,
272
00:11:18,942 --> 00:11:20,176
like you wanted.
273
00:11:20,210 --> 00:11:21,511
I wasn't sure
what people like,
274
00:11:21,545 --> 00:11:24,080
so I got some with seeds on them
and some without.
275
00:11:24,114 --> 00:11:26,215
What does he mean
by that, "seeds"?
276
00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:28,051
Like semen?
Is that what he means?
277
00:11:28,085 --> 00:11:30,853
Semen on her buns.
Am I the only one hearing this?
278
00:11:30,888 --> 00:11:33,322
Get the hell away from my wife,
you scumbag!
279
00:11:33,357 --> 00:11:34,891
Peter, what are you
talking about?
280
00:11:34,925 --> 00:11:36,492
I'll tell you
what I'm talking about!
281
00:11:36,527 --> 00:11:37,694
I'm talking about this!
282
00:11:37,728 --> 00:11:39,328
Idea for a movie.
283
00:11:39,363 --> 00:11:42,832
Fop Cop. It's a cop
who's, like, a fancy guy.
284
00:11:42,866 --> 00:11:45,168
Nobody heard that!
None of you take that!
285
00:11:45,202 --> 00:11:47,437
What I meant to play was this.
286
00:11:47,471 --> 00:11:49,572
I want Lois. She's perfect.
287
00:11:49,606 --> 00:11:51,407
I've loved her for years.
288
00:11:51,442 --> 00:11:54,010
Fop Cop.
That could work.
289
00:11:54,044 --> 00:11:56,079
Glenn...
i-is this true?
290
00:11:56,113 --> 00:11:58,681
Wait a minute, how the hell'd you get
that recording, Peter?
291
00:11:58,716 --> 00:12:00,717
You pocket-dialed me,
you bastard!
292
00:12:00,751 --> 00:12:02,418
Peter, that was a
private conversation.
293
00:12:02,453 --> 00:12:05,755
That doesn't change the fact
that you want to steal my wife!
294
00:12:05,789 --> 00:12:07,790
Hey, get your
hands off me!
295
00:12:08,792 --> 00:12:10,359
Oh, my God!
296
00:12:10,394 --> 00:12:12,028
- Oh, come on, you two.
- Come on, man.
297
00:12:12,062 --> 00:12:13,262
Hey, what are y'all doing?
Someone stop him!
298
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:14,464
Kill him, Dad!
299
00:12:14,498 --> 00:12:15,898
Murder him!
300
00:12:18,769 --> 00:12:20,403
That's it!
End of cookout!
301
00:12:20,437 --> 00:12:24,073
Get out of my house, and don't
ever speak to me again!
302
00:12:25,576 --> 00:12:27,543
Wow, that turned ugly fast.
303
00:12:27,578 --> 00:12:29,846
Just like my trip to Tampa Bay.
304
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:33,015
Hey, city boy,
what's with the arm pants?
305
00:12:38,355 --> 00:12:40,456
I want Lois. She's perfect.
306
00:12:40,491 --> 00:12:42,158
I've loved her for years.
307
00:12:42,192 --> 00:12:44,260
You're still
listening to that thing?
308
00:12:44,294 --> 00:12:48,131
It's like, I can't even process
why he'd feel this way.
309
00:12:48,165 --> 00:12:50,466
Maybe... you know, maybe
play it one more time and...
310
00:12:50,501 --> 00:12:52,301
I can't believe this.
311
00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:54,137
I thought Quagmire
was my friend!
312
00:12:54,171 --> 00:12:56,139
Peter, it's not
that surprising.
313
00:12:56,173 --> 00:12:58,407
He's always had a
potent sex drive.
314
00:12:58,442 --> 00:13:01,010
Remember his
grandmother's funeral?
315
00:13:02,079 --> 00:13:04,113
Yeah, get it in there.
316
00:13:04,148 --> 00:13:05,782
Oh, I wish this was
about sex.
317
00:13:05,816 --> 00:13:08,384
If he was just home
busting one to his buddy's wife,
318
00:13:08,418 --> 00:13:10,119
hell, we've all done that.
319
00:13:10,154 --> 00:13:11,754
I've heard. Allegedly.
320
00:13:11,789 --> 00:13:14,190
But not often.
And never to Donna.
321
00:13:14,224 --> 00:13:16,926
Except when she wore those shiny
gold shorts to parent-teacher night.
322
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,028
Oh, yeah, that
was hilarious.
323
00:13:19,062 --> 00:13:20,129
Yeah, that was...
324
00:13:20,164 --> 00:13:21,464
that was so tacky.
325
00:13:21,498 --> 00:13:24,200
But Quagmire actually has
feelings for you.
326
00:13:24,234 --> 00:13:27,370
I'm afraid he might take you
away from me.
327
00:13:27,404 --> 00:13:29,739
Peter, nobody's
taking me anywhere.
328
00:13:29,773 --> 00:13:31,507
I love you.
329
00:13:31,542 --> 00:13:32,542
Mmm.
330
00:13:32,576 --> 00:13:33,910
I love you, too, Lois.
331
00:13:33,944 --> 00:13:36,245
Hey, you ever heard
any of the other wives
332
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:37,780
saying they're
attracted to me?
333
00:13:39,183 --> 00:13:41,651
No, um, not that
I recall, no.
334
00:13:41,685 --> 00:13:43,486
Look, now that
this is settled,
335
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,755
maybe you and Glenn can
put this behind you.
336
00:13:45,789 --> 00:13:48,491
No way! How am I supposed
to be friends with someone
337
00:13:48,525 --> 00:13:51,160
who's in love with my wife?
Quagmire is dead to me
338
00:13:51,195 --> 00:13:53,729
and needs to be dealt with
in an appropriate manner.
339
00:13:53,764 --> 00:13:55,798
Shame.
340
00:13:55,833 --> 00:13:57,567
Shame.
341
00:13:57,601 --> 00:13:59,068
Shame.
342
00:14:00,270 --> 00:14:01,604
Shame.
343
00:14:01,638 --> 00:14:04,507
? Shame, shame, shame ?
344
00:14:04,541 --> 00:14:07,577
? Shame on you-hoo ?
345
00:14:07,611 --> 00:14:10,746
? Shame, shame, shame ?
346
00:14:10,781 --> 00:14:12,515
? Shame on Q... ?
347
00:14:12,549 --> 00:14:15,718
This was serious, but it
turned into something fun.
348
00:14:21,525 --> 00:14:23,793
Glenn? Is that you?
349
00:14:23,827 --> 00:14:25,928
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I was just buying a...
350
00:14:25,963 --> 00:14:28,197
a... grocery store cane.
351
00:14:28,232 --> 00:14:29,732
See you, Lois.
352
00:14:29,766 --> 00:14:31,667
Glenn, wait.
Look, if you and Peter
353
00:14:31,702 --> 00:14:34,837
aren't gonna talk this out,
you and I should.
354
00:14:34,872 --> 00:14:36,339
What's there
to talk about?
355
00:14:36,373 --> 00:14:38,841
Everyone knows I'm in love
with my best friend's wife.
356
00:14:38,876 --> 00:14:40,610
It's pathetic.
And humiliating.
357
00:14:40,644 --> 00:14:43,379
Glenn...
I can't trust myself around you.
358
00:14:43,413 --> 00:14:46,916
It's probably best if I...
just never see you again.
359
00:14:46,950 --> 00:14:49,151
Well, you can't just
avoid me forever.
360
00:14:49,186 --> 00:14:51,153
We live on the same street.
361
00:14:51,188 --> 00:14:52,555
Mm.
362
00:14:52,589 --> 00:14:53,990
Well, then...
363
00:14:54,024 --> 00:14:56,626
I know what I have to do.
364
00:14:56,660 --> 00:14:58,461
Good-bye, Lois.
365
00:14:58,495 --> 00:15:00,930
? ?
366
00:15:06,436 --> 00:15:09,071
Oh, sour cream.
You wanted me to remind you.
367
00:15:09,106 --> 00:15:10,439
Sour cream.
368
00:15:14,444 --> 00:15:17,346
Mr. Quagmire, which box
do these beads go in?
369
00:15:17,381 --> 00:15:18,981
Let me smell 'em.
370
00:15:19,016 --> 00:15:21,083
They go in the big box.
371
00:15:21,118 --> 00:15:23,085
Quagmire, I can't
believe you're moving.
372
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,821
Look, give it time--
this whole thing will blow over.
373
00:15:25,856 --> 00:15:27,323
No, it's too awkward.
374
00:15:27,357 --> 00:15:29,492
It's best for everyone
if I just leave.
375
00:15:29,526 --> 00:15:30,760
That's too bad.
376
00:15:30,794 --> 00:15:33,896
We never got to do
that "Joe-Quagmire" lunch.
377
00:15:36,667 --> 00:15:39,035
Well, that'll do it.
378
00:15:39,069 --> 00:15:41,671
Peter, Quagmire's
serious about this.
379
00:15:41,705 --> 00:15:43,773
You got to do something!
380
00:15:43,807 --> 00:15:46,342
You're right.
Quagmire, wait!
381
00:15:46,376 --> 00:15:49,745
You almost left
without this!
382
00:15:54,685 --> 00:15:57,320
You want me to be the one
that says "jiggety" now?
383
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:05,080
We now return to Dateline.
384
00:16:05,317 --> 00:16:08,001
Our story tonight:
The guy you think did it?
385
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:09,068
He did it.
386
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,402
Now go to bed.
387
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,404
Your grandkids
are coming tomorrow.
388
00:16:16,009 --> 00:16:19,044
I had a pretty good
egg dish last night.
389
00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:22,414
What? What-what am I supposed
to do with that information?
390
00:16:22,449 --> 00:16:24,950
Well, I don't know.
Maybe ask me for the recipe?
391
00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,919
Do you have it?
No.
392
00:16:26,953 --> 00:16:28,954
So what's going on
with you guys?
393
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:30,623
Nothing much.
394
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:33,092
See, this is where Quagmire
normally would have told
395
00:16:33,126 --> 00:16:35,127
one of his
outrageous sex stories.
396
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:38,264
Aw, we don't need him.
I got a sex story for you.
397
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:40,132
So I'm bangin' this chick,
and she's sayin' to me,
398
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,134
"I'm worried that Chris won't
get into college."
399
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,769
And then I says to her,
400
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:45,471
"Yeah, that seems
like a legitimate concern."
401
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,340
And then I lost my wood,
and so we just watched Colbert,
402
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,843
and then I took a dump
completely nude.
403
00:16:50,877 --> 00:16:53,045
Who else but Peter?
404
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,416
Peter, face it-- without
Quagmire, we're boring.
405
00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,118
Oh, come on,
that ain't true.
406
00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:01,754
Yes, it is. He had
all the fun ideas.
407
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:04,356
Remember? He even
took me parasailing.
408
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,827
This is awesome!
It's like I'm flying!
409
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,132
I've never felt so alive!
410
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:17,002
Oh, if only
I had a pair of legs.
411
00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,505
All right!
412
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:24,810
It was the fish part of me
that wanted 'em!
413
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:34,453
Look, Peter, I'm
sorry Quagmire moved away,
414
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:37,389
but you can't just sit around
the house and drink all day.
415
00:17:37,424 --> 00:17:39,725
It's all your fault
Quagmire fell in love with you.
416
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:41,860
Traipsin' around
in your tan pants
417
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:44,463
and your green shirt
and your soothing voice.
418
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,031
My fault?!
419
00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,800
Yeah, everything is messed up.
420
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,402
I lost my best friend,
my buddies are all fighting,
421
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:52,972
that chick at work is saying
stuff that ain't true.
422
00:17:53,006 --> 00:17:54,406
Okay, you know what?
423
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:55,908
Enough feeling
sorry for yourself.
424
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:58,043
We're fixing this now.
Get in the car.
425
00:17:58,078 --> 00:17:59,878
What? Why?
You'll see.
426
00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,880
Why should I trust you?
427
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:04,416
You're always trickin' me into
going places I don't want to.
428
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:08,354
Oh... you said we were going
to a place Walt Disney built.
429
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:10,856
No, Peter. I said supported.
430
00:18:16,129 --> 00:18:18,764
By the way,
don't go on the train ride.
431
00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:25,237
I've been playing
a game I invented
432
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,940
called "mini racquetball"
in your garage.
433
00:18:27,974 --> 00:18:30,109
Uh-huh.
It's pretty fun.
434
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,944
He has not won
a single point.
435
00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:34,013
You don't have to win
to have fun.
436
00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:40,419
Lois? Peter. Zod.
437
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:43,188
Hey. You're parked behind
my trapezoid-thing.
438
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:45,357
Yeah, yeah,
I'll move it in a sec.
439
00:18:45,392 --> 00:18:48,193
Glenn, all this nonsense
has to stop now.
440
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:50,429
The only reason
this became an issue is because
441
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,464
Peter heard something
he wasn't supposed to hear.
442
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:54,300
Guy from Superman
lives here?!
443
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,535
And the truth is,
we all have private thoughts
444
00:18:56,569 --> 00:18:59,538
we don't act on,
and that's okay.
445
00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,640
For instance, every time
I'm on the subway,
446
00:19:01,675 --> 00:19:03,809
I want to push a stranger
onto the tracks.
447
00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:04,877
And that's fine!
448
00:19:04,911 --> 00:19:06,545
I don't do it!
449
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,247
I guess you're right.
450
00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:10,616
I don't totally disagree with
what Kim Jong-un's doing,
451
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,451
but you don't see
me moving there.
452
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,420
I take medicine
I get from the veterinarian.
453
00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:15,821
Is that one?
454
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,756
No, no, it's not,
but the point is,
455
00:19:17,791 --> 00:19:19,725
we all have secret thoughts.
456
00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:22,294
But there's no reason they
should ruin our friendships.
457
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:24,263
Sometimes I think about
going to the hospital
458
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:25,798
and switching
the babies around.
459
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,633
Somali pirates
seem cool, too.
460
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:30,002
I wouldn't mind eating
the Phillie Phanatic.
461
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:32,438
See? We're all
terrible people inside.
462
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:34,840
Joe's a little worse
than the rest of us,
463
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:38,077
but we all just shove
our thoughts deep down,
464
00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:39,645
where they can't
hurt anybody.
465
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,181
Huh, maybe you're right.
466
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:43,949
Of course I'm right.
467
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:46,785
The secret to happiness is
burying all your true feelings
468
00:19:46,820 --> 00:19:49,655
and living a life
of bland compromise.
469
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,790
So here's the question, Glenn.
470
00:19:51,825 --> 00:19:55,861
Do you love Peter enough
to repress your love for me?
471
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:03,168
Peter, if you're willing
to forget all about this,
472
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:06,805
I'm more than happy to continue
hiding my true feelings.
473
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,941
I do miss us
hanging out together.
474
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:11,610
Huh. Sorry I kind of
went a little crazy.
475
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,712
Ah, that's all right.
476
00:20:13,747 --> 00:20:16,181
And I'm sorry
I will always love your wife.
477
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,649
Which I don't.
478
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,118
Thank you, Glenn.
479
00:20:19,152 --> 00:20:19,985
All right!
480
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:21,553
What do you say
we all celebrate
481
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:23,956
with a game
of mini racquetball?
482
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,358
Wait. Is mini racquetball
just Ping-Pong?
483
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:29,094
Kind of.
484
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:35,367
Boy, it's good to have the gang
together again.
485
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:37,202
Yeah, welcome
home, buddy.
486
00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:39,671
Man, I missed sitting around,
just shooting the breeze.
487
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,673
Hey, so how'd you get
your house back?
488
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:43,175
This ought to be good.
489
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:44,643
I suspended escrow.
490
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:45,911
Oh.
491
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,674
Hey, guys, you know that egg
dish I was talking about?
492
00:20:49,773 --> 00:20:52,680
Turns out that was
just a dream I had.
493
00:20:52,681 --> 00:20:59,181
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man