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00:00:00,561 --> 00:00:03,912
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,012 --> 00:00:07,079
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,115 --> 00:00:10,816
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 14x13 ♪
An App a Day
Original Air Date on February 14, 2016
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00:00:28,140 --> 00:00:34,140
@elder_man
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00:00:34,141 --> 00:00:36,775
("Around the World"
by Daft Punk playing)
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00:00:38,846 --> 00:00:41,513
Oh, cool, somebody put
Billy Joel on the jukebox.
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00:00:41,549 --> 00:00:43,916
Billy Joel?
This is Daft Punk.
15
00:00:43,951 --> 00:00:45,784
Dappunk?
Wh-- I-- What is that?
16
00:00:45,820 --> 00:00:47,019
That's not even words.
17
00:00:47,054 --> 00:00:48,654
What are you saying?
This is Billy Joel.
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00:00:48,689 --> 00:00:50,656
It's "Anthony's Song,"
parentheses, "Movin' Out."
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00:00:50,691 --> 00:00:53,792
First of all, it's "Movin' Out,"
parentheses, "Anthony's Song."
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00:00:53,828 --> 00:00:56,595
And second of all,
this is 100% not Billy Joel!
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00:00:56,631 --> 00:00:58,464
You know, when they
recorded "Movin' Out,"
22
00:00:58,499 --> 00:01:00,332
someone left the
studio doors open,
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00:01:00,368 --> 00:01:02,668
and that's why, at the end,
you hear that car sound.
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00:01:02,703 --> 00:01:05,037
That's not true either!
No, this is it.
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00:01:05,072 --> 00:01:06,972
He's talking about going
all around the world
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00:01:07,008 --> 00:01:08,774
'cause this Anthony fella,
he's moving out.
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You know, to live
with Mr. Cacciatore
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00:01:10,511 --> 00:01:11,844
down on Mulberry Street.
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00:01:11,879 --> 00:01:14,179
And that's all I'm gonna
say about those two.
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00:01:14,215 --> 00:01:15,948
Peter, I'm gonna punch
you with this beer mug
31
00:01:15,983 --> 00:01:17,216
till I'm holding
just the handle!
32
00:01:17,251 --> 00:01:18,484
Guys, calm down.
33
00:01:18,519 --> 00:01:19,985
There's one way
to solve this.
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00:01:20,021 --> 00:01:21,353
I'll just use my phone.
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00:01:21,389 --> 00:01:23,055
(phone beeps,
song continues playing)
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It says "'Around the World'
by Daft Punk."
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Thank you!
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00:01:26,494 --> 00:01:28,027
God, you idiots are exhausting.
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00:01:28,062 --> 00:01:29,395
Hey, Cleveland, how'd you
do that with your phone?
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00:01:29,430 --> 00:01:30,663
I'm not an idiot.
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00:01:30,698 --> 00:01:32,197
I used Shazam.
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00:01:32,233 --> 00:01:34,333
It recognizes songs and
tells you their names.
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00:01:34,368 --> 00:01:36,235
Yeah? Hey, what if
I farted into it?
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00:01:36,270 --> 00:01:38,470
I don't know.
Be my guest.
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00:01:38,506 --> 00:01:40,906
(farts loudly)
46
00:01:40,941 --> 00:01:42,741
It says "Lana Del Rey."
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00:01:42,777 --> 00:01:44,410
Wow, how do I get
this on my phone?
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00:01:44,445 --> 00:01:45,711
You just download it.
49
00:01:45,746 --> 00:01:47,079
It's a app.
What's an app?
50
00:01:47,114 --> 00:01:48,514
They're little programs
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00:01:48,549 --> 00:01:50,149
you use on your phone
while driving.
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00:01:50,184 --> 00:01:51,984
Oh, man,
apps sound awesome!
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00:01:52,019 --> 00:01:53,519
This is a real
game changer!
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00:01:53,554 --> 00:01:54,920
Like the guy who invented
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00:01:54,955 --> 00:01:56,655
wearing a sport jacket
with jeans.
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00:01:56,691 --> 00:01:57,890
So, what can
I do for you?
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00:01:57,925 --> 00:01:59,258
Well, I've got
to go to church,
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00:01:59,293 --> 00:02:01,160
but I don't have time
to change from the rodeo.
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00:02:01,195 --> 00:02:03,262
Excuse me, I thought
you were helping me find a look
60
00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,164
that'll let me cling
to my youth in my 40s.
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00:02:05,199 --> 00:02:06,365
Yes, I'm interested
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00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,333
in cheating on my wife
in Las Vegas.
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00:02:08,369 --> 00:02:11,570
Gentlemen, I think I can
help all three of you.
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00:02:15,142 --> 00:02:16,942
Brian, I'm in a bind.
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00:02:16,977 --> 00:02:18,711
Joanne was supposed to
drive me to the club,
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00:02:18,746 --> 00:02:20,245
but she's having
throat surgery.
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00:02:20,281 --> 00:02:22,114
20 years of
menthol slims.
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00:02:22,149 --> 00:02:23,789
I don't understand
anything you just said.
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00:02:23,818 --> 00:02:25,451
Just drive me to
the racquet club.
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00:02:25,486 --> 00:02:27,352
Since when do you belong
to a racquet club?
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00:02:27,388 --> 00:02:29,688
You know, I do have a life
outside this house.
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00:02:29,724 --> 00:02:32,191
For example, I also write
restaurant reviews
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00:02:32,226 --> 00:02:34,727
for the newspaper
under the name Hugh Cornwallis.
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00:02:34,762 --> 00:02:36,595
Hugh Cornwallis?
He's, like...
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00:02:36,630 --> 00:02:38,464
Super bitchy, I know.
Now come on, let's go.
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00:02:38,499 --> 00:02:40,265
So, what? You're gonna
play tennis all day?
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00:02:40,301 --> 00:02:41,934
No, I might also
hit the treadmill
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00:02:41,969 --> 00:02:43,235
and watch
Kelly and Michael
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00:02:43,270 --> 00:02:45,070
on mute with
closed captioning.
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00:02:45,106 --> 00:02:47,239
"Kelly: It's like kale
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00:02:47,274 --> 00:02:49,374
"is everywhere these days,
am I right?
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00:02:49,410 --> 00:02:50,943
Michael: unintelligible."
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00:02:50,978 --> 00:02:52,277
I love them.
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00:02:52,313 --> 00:02:54,446
They have such
an amazing chemistry.
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Yeah!
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Awesome!
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00:03:02,156 --> 00:03:03,555
Peter, will you
keep it down?
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00:03:03,591 --> 00:03:05,457
I'm trying to look at
lamps I'll never buy.
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00:03:05,493 --> 00:03:06,992
Oh, yeah, sorry.
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00:03:07,027 --> 00:03:08,927
Sweet!
What are you doing?
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00:03:08,963 --> 00:03:10,896
Well, I just found out about
these things called apps,
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00:03:10,931 --> 00:03:12,698
so that's kind of
all I do now.
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00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:15,100
This one's a cool
bowling app I got.
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00:03:15,136 --> 00:03:16,769
Aw, yeah, strike!
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00:03:16,804 --> 00:03:19,138
Peter, your phone's
streaming to the TV.
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00:03:19,173 --> 00:03:20,606
You're clearly
watching porn.
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00:03:20,641 --> 00:03:22,107
Will you turn it off?
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00:03:22,143 --> 00:03:23,809
I'm already caught, Lois.
I'm gonna finish.
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00:03:23,844 --> 00:03:25,244
Peter, I'm...
I'm gonna finish!
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00:03:25,279 --> 00:03:27,012
Just go over there!
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00:03:27,047 --> 00:03:29,681
We're gonna be fine,
Lois, you and me.
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00:03:33,954 --> 00:03:35,454
There you are, Dad.
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00:03:35,489 --> 00:03:37,656
Where have you been?
I haven't seen you in days.
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00:03:37,691 --> 00:03:39,625
Ugh. I went out of town
for a little while,
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00:03:39,660 --> 00:03:40,993
but I made the
mistake of using
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00:03:41,028 --> 00:03:42,861
this app called
Bear B'n'B.
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00:03:42,897 --> 00:03:44,596
We're so happy you're
staying with us.
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00:03:44,632 --> 00:03:47,633
Just a reminder, we ask that
you not use the DVD player,
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00:03:47,668 --> 00:03:49,468
but you can watch
any of the VHSs.
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00:03:49,503 --> 00:03:50,702
We have Clear and
Present Danger,
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00:03:50,738 --> 00:03:52,104
Son of the Mask...
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00:03:52,139 --> 00:03:53,705
oh, and here's
most of a puzzle.
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00:03:53,741 --> 00:03:55,641
Okay, well, I don't
want any of that stuff.
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00:03:55,676 --> 00:03:57,109
Fine. Well,
if the phone rings
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00:03:57,144 --> 00:03:58,710
and we're not around,
just take a message.
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I'm kind of on vacation.
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00:04:00,181 --> 00:04:03,048
Oh, and just a heads up,
the dog doesn't like men.
118
00:04:03,083 --> 00:04:05,717
Now, we serve breakfast from
6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.
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I'll skip breakfast.
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00:04:07,021 --> 00:04:08,387
Uh, everyone
eats breakfast.
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00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:09,788
I'm on vacation.
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00:04:09,824 --> 00:04:11,223
All the more reason
to treat yourself.
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00:04:11,258 --> 00:04:13,492
The house specialty
is a half-chewed trout
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00:04:13,527 --> 00:04:15,527
we yanked out of the
river with our teeth.
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00:04:15,563 --> 00:04:17,229
Ah, there's the bear stuff.
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00:04:20,768 --> 00:04:21,768
(phone chimes)
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00:04:23,504 --> 00:04:24,703
Where are you going?
128
00:04:24,738 --> 00:04:25,971
Oh, I'm meeting up
with someone
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00:04:26,006 --> 00:04:27,406
from my Grinder app.
130
00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:28,807
Isn't that for
anonymous gay hookups?
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00:04:28,843 --> 00:04:30,742
No, no, no.
This one's a way for guys
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00:04:30,778 --> 00:04:32,611
who enjoy sandwiches
to connect.
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00:04:34,548 --> 00:04:36,181
MAN:
You "Meatballfreak"?
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00:04:36,217 --> 00:04:37,182
Uh-huh.
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00:04:37,218 --> 00:04:38,550
All right,
let's do this.
136
00:04:42,356 --> 00:04:44,523
Are you also married?
137
00:04:49,430 --> 00:04:50,629
My phone's broken.
138
00:04:50,664 --> 00:04:51,830
I'm not surprised.
139
00:04:51,866 --> 00:04:53,365
It's probably because
of all those apps
140
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:54,900
you've been downloading.
141
00:04:54,935 --> 00:04:56,668
Don't say "apps"
like you're young.
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00:04:56,704 --> 00:04:57,936
No, I took it
in the shower
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00:04:57,972 --> 00:04:59,538
'cause I didn't know
you could pause a game.
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00:04:59,573 --> 00:05:00,772
Here, Chris.
Your first cell phone!
145
00:05:00,808 --> 00:05:02,074
Yay!
146
00:05:02,109 --> 00:05:04,376
Something my dad held
in the bathroom!
147
00:05:04,411 --> 00:05:06,745
You know, Chris, you could
probably salvage that phone.
148
00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:09,548
If you put it in a bag of
uncooked rice, it'll dry out.
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00:05:09,583 --> 00:05:10,549
Really?
150
00:05:10,584 --> 00:05:12,217
Yeah. And then you
can use the rice
151
00:05:12,253 --> 00:05:14,186
to pretend someone
wanted to marry you.
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00:05:14,221 --> 00:05:15,754
Ladies and gentlemen,
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00:05:15,789 --> 00:05:19,224
Mr. and Mrs. Dog
and Meg the Bounty Hunter!
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Holy moley!
155
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:30,702
Marcy Miller!
156
00:05:30,738 --> 00:05:32,571
She bought feminine products
at my dad's pharmacy,
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so you know
she's up and running.
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Yeah, I wish I had
the guts to talk to her.
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Talk to her?
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00:05:38,412 --> 00:05:40,245
Chris, no one talks
to each other anymore.
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00:05:40,281 --> 00:05:41,914
If you want to get
a girl's attention,
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00:05:41,949 --> 00:05:43,949
you text her a picture
of your penis.
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00:05:43,984 --> 00:05:45,250
What? Really?
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00:05:45,286 --> 00:05:46,818
Are-Are you sure?
Oh, yeah.
165
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People who send their daughters
to public high schools
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are basically
asking for this.
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Well, I did just get
this new phone from my dad.
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(camera clicks)
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All right, what could go wrong?
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It worked out great for...
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("Yakety Sax" playing)
172
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Ah. This is it, Bri.
173
00:06:13,447 --> 00:06:15,314
The Quahog Racquet Club.
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Where frail old men come
to weigh themselves in the nude.
175
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Does that say 84 or 85?
176
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It says 63.
177
00:06:24,325 --> 00:06:25,824
Oh, dear.
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00:06:25,859 --> 00:06:28,260
How'd you get all those
cuts on your butt?
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00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:32,164
Wow, they allow drinking here
at 10:30 in the morning?
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00:06:32,199 --> 00:06:35,067
Oh, yes, half the bathroom trash
is thrown-up scrambled eggs.
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00:06:35,102 --> 00:06:36,835
Okay, so this place
has hot women,
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morning booze
and free vomit?
183
00:06:39,073 --> 00:06:41,039
Maybe I'll join you.
You don't play tennis.
184
00:06:41,075 --> 00:06:43,075
What are you talking about?
I'm a great tennis player.
185
00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:44,643
You are? Well, that's perfect.
186
00:06:44,678 --> 00:06:46,011
There's a doubles tournament
coming up,
187
00:06:46,046 --> 00:06:47,546
and I could really
use a partner.
188
00:06:47,581 --> 00:06:48,814
Well, you found him!
189
00:06:48,849 --> 00:06:51,216
All right, all right,
I suppose we can make this work.
190
00:06:51,251 --> 00:06:52,751
Like that actress
from Rizzoli & Isles
191
00:06:52,786 --> 00:06:54,219
and her husband do.
192
00:06:54,254 --> 00:06:56,154
Honey, I thought
we could do
193
00:06:56,190 --> 00:06:57,656
a little
role-playing tonight.
194
00:06:57,691 --> 00:06:59,691
Oh, yeah? What'd
you have in mind?
195
00:06:59,727 --> 00:07:02,094
Maybe I could be
my character from the show.
196
00:07:02,129 --> 00:07:03,562
Oh! Yeah!
197
00:07:03,597 --> 00:07:04,896
From the show!
198
00:07:04,932 --> 00:07:05,932
Sure.
199
00:07:05,966 --> 00:07:07,666
Um... oh, no!
200
00:07:07,701 --> 00:07:09,901
It's the... law
enforcement woman.
201
00:07:09,937 --> 00:07:12,404
Part of that great team
of Rizzoli and Isles.
202
00:07:12,439 --> 00:07:14,272
You don't know
what part I play, do you?
203
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,708
Hey, look, you didn't marry me
because of my brains.
204
00:07:16,744 --> 00:07:18,043
You married me
because I play
205
00:07:18,078 --> 00:07:20,078
one of the main bad
guys in Blue Bloods.
206
00:07:20,114 --> 00:07:23,415
Now let's just stop talking
and have idiot actor sex.
207
00:07:27,388 --> 00:07:29,287
Thank you for coming,
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
208
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:31,123
We've got a bit
of a situation,
209
00:07:31,158 --> 00:07:33,458
which is why I've asked
Officer Swanson to join us.
210
00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:35,927
It appears Chris sent an
inappropriate photo of himself
211
00:07:35,963 --> 00:07:37,396
to one of his
classmates.
212
00:07:37,431 --> 00:07:38,397
That's right.
213
00:07:38,432 --> 00:07:40,232
He texted a picture
of his peenie.
214
00:07:40,267 --> 00:07:41,433
Oh, my God!
215
00:07:41,468 --> 00:07:43,535
And apparently the girl...
Oh, thank God.
216
00:07:43,570 --> 00:07:45,737
...he sent it to
doesn't like him back,
217
00:07:45,773 --> 00:07:47,139
so she turned him in.
218
00:07:47,174 --> 00:07:49,541
Okay, I can see
everybody's mad, but...
219
00:07:49,576 --> 00:07:51,209
what'd you think?
220
00:07:51,245 --> 00:07:52,611
Thank you for
bringing this
221
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:54,279
to our attention,
Principal Shepherd.
222
00:07:54,314 --> 00:07:56,415
We'll make sure
Chris apologizes
223
00:07:56,450 --> 00:07:57,949
to that little
knob-tease.
224
00:07:57,985 --> 00:08:00,118
I'm sorry, Lois,
but it's not that simple.
225
00:08:00,154 --> 00:08:01,953
When Chris sent
that picture,
226
00:08:01,989 --> 00:08:05,223
he was technically
distributing child pornography.
227
00:08:05,259 --> 00:08:07,092
Child pornography?!
228
00:08:07,127 --> 00:08:08,593
Joe, that's crazy!
229
00:08:08,629 --> 00:08:11,129
He's just a teenager
who made a bad choice.
230
00:08:11,165 --> 00:08:14,232
I don't know what to say, but
the laws just haven't caught up
231
00:08:14,268 --> 00:08:15,934
to how cool kids are now.
232
00:08:15,969 --> 00:08:18,336
I'm sorry, but this makes Chris
a sex offender.
233
00:08:18,372 --> 00:08:19,738
Oh, my God!
234
00:08:19,773 --> 00:08:21,006
Huh.
235
00:08:21,041 --> 00:08:23,508
Well, I'm not about to make
a Batman exit right now,
236
00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:26,011
but has that thing
always been over there?
237
00:08:26,046 --> 00:08:27,512
Over where?
238
00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:28,780
What are you doing, Peter?
239
00:08:28,816 --> 00:08:30,282
Ah, you looked back
too fast.
240
00:08:36,301 --> 00:08:37,967
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.
241
00:08:38,002 --> 00:08:41,003
Today, we bring you a disturbing
case of child pornography.
242
00:08:41,039 --> 00:08:43,306
Local teenage scumbag
Chris Griffin,
243
00:08:43,341 --> 00:08:44,974
whose name will be omitted here,
244
00:08:45,009 --> 00:08:46,642
was caught sending,
quote-unquote,
245
00:08:46,678 --> 00:08:48,344
"graphic selfies of his hog"--
246
00:08:48,379 --> 00:08:50,146
not sure where
that quote is from--
247
00:08:50,181 --> 00:08:51,948
to another underage student.
248
00:08:51,983 --> 00:08:55,685
Coming up next, teleprompter guy
puts the period in a weird.
249
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:57,286
Place.
250
00:08:57,322 --> 00:08:58,754
Oh, this is awful.
251
00:08:58,790 --> 00:09:01,424
Now everyone in town
knows I'm a sex offender!
252
00:09:01,459 --> 00:09:03,459
We know you didn't
mean any harm, Chris.
253
00:09:03,494 --> 00:09:05,194
We're just living
in a different time.
254
00:09:05,229 --> 00:09:06,596
When I was your age,
255
00:09:06,631 --> 00:09:08,698
boys used to just
whip it out on the bus.
256
00:09:08,733 --> 00:09:11,300
Can't I just go on the news
and tell everyone I'm sorry?
257
00:09:11,336 --> 00:09:13,102
Oh, I wish you
could, sweetie,
258
00:09:13,137 --> 00:09:15,471
but the law says that,
as a sex offender,
259
00:09:15,506 --> 00:09:17,873
you have to complete
a rehabilitation course.
260
00:09:17,909 --> 00:09:19,842
Oh, that sounds awful.
261
00:09:19,877 --> 00:09:22,278
Eh, can't be any worse
than our trip to Hawaii.
262
00:09:22,313 --> 00:09:24,680
Okay, before you do
anything else,
263
00:09:24,716 --> 00:09:27,049
I'm deathly allergic
to pineapple, pork,
264
00:09:27,085 --> 00:09:28,684
rum, macadamia nuts,
265
00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:30,987
stupid tiny guitars,
overpriced golf,
266
00:09:31,022 --> 00:09:33,189
sentimental
military stuff, lava,
267
00:09:33,224 --> 00:09:35,224
people who I can't tell
are black or Asian,
268
00:09:35,259 --> 00:09:37,526
apostrophes,
anyone twirling flames,
269
00:09:37,562 --> 00:09:39,328
second weddings
and linen pants.
270
00:09:39,364 --> 00:09:41,130
Is there anything
you're not allergic to?
271
00:09:41,165 --> 00:09:42,531
Yeah, the Epcot Center.
272
00:09:42,567 --> 00:09:44,734
Where I wanted to go.
273
00:09:48,573 --> 00:09:50,973
Good evening, I'm Glenn
Quagmire, your instructor.
274
00:09:51,009 --> 00:09:52,475
Everyone look to your left.
275
00:09:52,510 --> 00:09:54,010
Now look to your right.
276
00:09:54,045 --> 00:09:55,845
All of you are sex offenders,
277
00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:58,080
and statistically
you will all be here again.
278
00:09:58,116 --> 00:10:01,083
Because this has never worked
in the history of doing this.
279
00:10:01,119 --> 00:10:03,986
Now, today, we have a new
member-- giggity-- Chris G.
280
00:10:04,022 --> 00:10:05,488
ALL:
Hi, Chris.
281
00:10:05,523 --> 00:10:06,722
All right, before we begin,
282
00:10:06,758 --> 00:10:08,157
whoever's driving
a windowless van
283
00:10:08,192 --> 00:10:10,232
painted like an ice cream truck,
your lights are on.
284
00:10:12,897 --> 00:10:14,864
Okay, next,
let's take a few minutes
285
00:10:14,899 --> 00:10:16,766
to talk about
our new, fake interests.
286
00:10:16,801 --> 00:10:18,534
Here's a clay pot I made.
287
00:10:18,569 --> 00:10:20,569
I've started following
girls' field hockey.
288
00:10:20,605 --> 00:10:21,671
No, come on.
289
00:10:21,706 --> 00:10:23,372
You're supposed to pick
from the list.
290
00:10:23,408 --> 00:10:25,608
Mr. Quagmire,
this is terrible.
291
00:10:25,643 --> 00:10:27,843
And do I really
have to be here?
292
00:10:27,879 --> 00:10:29,612
Well, the law does
give you a choice.
293
00:10:29,647 --> 00:10:31,047
This or chemical
castration.
294
00:10:31,082 --> 00:10:33,049
What's that?
You take a ton of pills
295
00:10:33,084 --> 00:10:34,884
that completely wipe
out all sexuality.
296
00:10:34,919 --> 00:10:36,519
Oh, is that what
Michael Moore did?
297
00:10:36,554 --> 00:10:38,521
No, but I understand
why you'd think that.
298
00:10:38,556 --> 00:10:40,356
Now, do you want
to see the list?
299
00:10:40,391 --> 00:10:42,758
I could take a whack at
hand-distressing furniture.
300
00:10:42,794 --> 00:10:44,427
We don't say "whack."
301
00:10:50,902 --> 00:10:52,902
(grunting loudly)
302
00:10:59,644 --> 00:11:00,676
Very good, Stewie.
303
00:11:00,712 --> 00:11:02,445
You grunt like
a Hungarian lesbian.
304
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:03,913
(sighs)
Thanks, Dimitri.
305
00:11:03,948 --> 00:11:06,515
And, uh, your testicle's hanging
out of your shorts again.
306
00:11:06,551 --> 00:11:07,850
I am cooling it.
307
00:11:07,885 --> 00:11:09,685
But where is
this partner of yours?
308
00:11:09,721 --> 00:11:12,121
I don't know. He was supposed
to be here 15 minutes ago.
309
00:11:12,156 --> 00:11:13,856
(laughter)
You're right.
310
00:11:13,891 --> 00:11:15,291
So, anyway,
my ex said,
311
00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:17,293
"If you bring home
one more tennis trophy,
312
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:18,694
I am out of here."
313
00:11:18,730 --> 00:11:20,129
Well, she was gone
in two days.
314
00:11:20,164 --> 00:11:22,131
(laughter)
315
00:11:22,166 --> 00:11:23,365
Oh, Brian.
316
00:11:23,401 --> 00:11:25,534
"O'Brien"?
That's my Irish cousin.
317
00:11:25,570 --> 00:11:27,970
(laughter)
318
00:11:28,005 --> 00:11:29,271
What are you doing?!
319
00:11:29,307 --> 00:11:31,006
We're supposed to be
practicing for the tournament.
320
00:11:31,042 --> 00:11:32,842
Stewie, relax.
I promise we'll practice,
321
00:11:32,877 --> 00:11:34,243
but we just ordered bisque.
322
00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:35,478
How are you
paying for that?
323
00:11:35,513 --> 00:11:36,979
Well, if you must know,
324
00:11:37,014 --> 00:11:38,914
we're putting it on Philippa's
husband's account.
325
00:11:38,950 --> 00:11:40,416
Does Burt know
about this?
326
00:11:40,451 --> 00:11:42,384
He would if he wasn't
working all the time.
327
00:11:42,420 --> 00:11:44,386
Thank you, Brian.
328
00:11:44,422 --> 00:11:47,156
Now, come on, let's have more
hard liquor and creamy soups.
329
00:11:47,191 --> 00:11:48,591
Ugh.
330
00:11:52,363 --> 00:11:54,764
Meg, can you hand me
the paper plates?
331
00:11:54,799 --> 00:11:56,766
I can't believe we're
having an ice cream cake
332
00:11:56,801 --> 00:11:59,201
to celebrate Chris graduating
from sex offender school.
333
00:11:59,237 --> 00:12:01,203
Well, the opportunities
to celebrate
334
00:12:01,239 --> 00:12:03,005
don't come often
in this household.
335
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:06,876
There he is, Mr.
Former Sex Offender.
336
00:12:06,911 --> 00:12:08,577
Mom, it's not
that big a deal.
337
00:12:08,613 --> 00:12:10,713
All I did was finish
those creepy classes.
338
00:12:10,748 --> 00:12:12,848
I know, but now your
record is clear.
339
00:12:12,884 --> 00:12:15,117
You can go back to
being a normal boy
340
00:12:15,153 --> 00:12:16,919
and put all this
behind you.
341
00:12:16,954 --> 00:12:18,587
Hey, Chris, wait till
you see the funny thing
342
00:12:18,623 --> 00:12:20,356
I had 'em put
on your cake.
343
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,558
"Happy sixth
birthday, Timmy"?
344
00:12:22,593 --> 00:12:24,260
Uh-oh, they must
have mixed them up.
345
00:12:24,295 --> 00:12:27,096
"Nice crank,
you dirty little bastard"?
346
00:12:27,131 --> 00:12:28,297
Sorry, I'll take that.
347
00:12:28,332 --> 00:12:30,499
Here's your cake.
I ate a great deal of it.
348
00:12:35,973 --> 00:12:37,006
Oh, there you are.
349
00:12:37,041 --> 00:12:38,774
How was your first
day out of rehab?
350
00:12:38,810 --> 00:12:40,209
It was terrible.
351
00:12:40,244 --> 00:12:42,044
Taking that class
made no difference.
352
00:12:42,079 --> 00:12:44,213
Nobody wants anything
to do with me.
353
00:12:44,248 --> 00:12:45,414
Hi, Mr. Herbert.
354
00:12:45,449 --> 00:12:46,415
Oh, my God.
355
00:12:46,450 --> 00:12:47,416
Children, run!
356
00:12:47,451 --> 00:12:48,818
It's that pervert!
357
00:12:48,853 --> 00:12:51,353
Everybody into my
safety basement!
358
00:12:51,389 --> 00:12:53,656
Oh! Oh, that
was a bad snap.
359
00:12:53,691 --> 00:12:55,090
I'm hurt, kids!
360
00:12:55,126 --> 00:12:58,127
Don't eat those popsicles
till I get down there!
361
00:13:02,867 --> 00:13:05,267
Well, I'm glad we're finally
getting some practice in.
362
00:13:05,303 --> 00:13:06,836
Yeah, nothing like
running around
363
00:13:06,871 --> 00:13:09,305
after eating
a seafood tower.
364
00:13:09,340 --> 00:13:10,739
What are you
doing here?
365
00:13:10,775 --> 00:13:12,141
You're supposed to
be at the baseline.
366
00:13:12,176 --> 00:13:13,576
Yeah, baseline,
baseline.
367
00:13:13,611 --> 00:13:15,411
Right, right.
He's serving to you.
368
00:13:15,446 --> 00:13:16,512
Get back there!
369
00:13:22,653 --> 00:13:24,253
You've never played
tennis, have you?
370
00:13:24,288 --> 00:13:25,654
Not once.
Damn it, Brian!
371
00:13:25,690 --> 00:13:27,089
I entered us in
that tournament
372
00:13:27,124 --> 00:13:28,490
because you said
you could play!
373
00:13:28,526 --> 00:13:29,925
And I will not
be humiliated
374
00:13:29,961 --> 00:13:32,361
in front of shallow,
rich alcoholics!
375
00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:37,967
Hey, Chris.
376
00:13:38,002 --> 00:13:39,969
I see you walked
across the grass again
377
00:13:40,004 --> 00:13:41,604
instead of
using the walk.
378
00:13:41,639 --> 00:13:43,339
You're really wearing
a path, aren't you?
379
00:13:43,374 --> 00:13:44,840
We call that
Chris's Trail.
380
00:13:44,876 --> 00:13:45,841
Right there.
381
00:13:45,877 --> 00:13:47,343
Chris's Trail.
382
00:13:47,378 --> 00:13:49,778
Mr. Quagmire,
I completed that sex rehab
383
00:13:49,814 --> 00:13:51,480
and I paid my debt to society,
384
00:13:51,515 --> 00:13:54,183
but people are still afraid of
me, like I'm some kind of creep.
385
00:13:54,218 --> 00:13:55,851
How do I get them to treat me
386
00:13:55,887 --> 00:13:57,686
the way they did
before all this happened?
387
00:13:57,722 --> 00:13:59,388
You can't. I'm sorry, Chris,
388
00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:01,523
but you're just gonna have
to accept that from now on,
389
00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:03,525
people are gonna see you
as a sex-crazed pervert.
390
00:14:03,561 --> 00:14:05,728
And there's nothing
you can do to change that.
391
00:14:05,763 --> 00:14:08,564
Wait a minute,
maybe there is.
392
00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:10,199
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
393
00:14:10,234 --> 00:14:11,200
No problem, Chris.
394
00:14:11,235 --> 00:14:12,401
You keep that
chin up, huh?
395
00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:13,469
I will.
396
00:14:13,504 --> 00:14:15,037
Hey, can I ring
your doorbell?
397
00:14:15,072 --> 00:14:16,238
No, I'd rather you...
(doorbell rings)
398
00:14:16,274 --> 00:14:17,239
(cat shrieks)
399
00:14:17,275 --> 00:14:18,674
That's why "no," Chris.
400
00:14:18,709 --> 00:14:19,909
That's why "no."
401
00:14:26,684 --> 00:14:29,051
Chris? What the hell
happened to you?
402
00:14:29,086 --> 00:14:30,519
(androgynous voice):
Mother, Father,
403
00:14:30,554 --> 00:14:33,322
I decided to have myself
chemically castrated.
404
00:14:33,357 --> 00:14:34,924
Why the hell would
you do that?!
405
00:14:34,959 --> 00:14:37,359
Now nobody will have
any reason to be afraid of me
406
00:14:37,395 --> 00:14:38,994
or think I'm a pervert,
407
00:14:39,030 --> 00:14:41,997
and everybody can just
treat me like normal again.
408
00:14:42,033 --> 00:14:45,401
Oh, my God, I can't believe
my son's some kind of weirdo!
409
00:14:45,436 --> 00:14:46,869
Uh, here comes
another sandwich.
410
00:14:49,573 --> 00:14:51,340
I can't even look at you.
411
00:14:57,317 --> 00:14:59,283
(androgynous voice):
Has anyone seen my sandals?
412
00:14:59,319 --> 00:15:01,118
Yeah, no, nobody's seen
your sandals.
413
00:15:01,154 --> 00:15:03,654
Well, I'll just have
to make another pair.
414
00:15:03,690 --> 00:15:06,657
Look, Chris, I know you
think chemical castration
415
00:15:06,693 --> 00:15:08,092
is gonna solve
your problems,
416
00:15:08,127 --> 00:15:10,661
but you have to stop
taking those pills.
417
00:15:10,697 --> 00:15:11,963
I don't have to do anything,
418
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:14,231
besides get to the wind chime
store before it closes.
419
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:16,133
There can't be
a whole store.
420
00:15:16,169 --> 00:15:18,536
To be fair, they also have
a couple of kaleidoscopes.
421
00:15:18,571 --> 00:15:19,904
Ah, can I come?
422
00:15:19,939 --> 00:15:21,973
Lois, can I go to the store
with that thing?
423
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:25,576
Splendid. I'll go get
my burlap wallet.
424
00:15:25,611 --> 00:15:29,413
Wow, we rolled three gutter
balls on these kids, huh?
425
00:15:40,927 --> 00:15:43,327
My word, Brian,
you're really improving.
426
00:15:43,363 --> 00:15:44,729
We might actually
win this thing.
427
00:15:44,764 --> 00:15:46,364
Thanks. You know,
I just pretend
428
00:15:46,399 --> 00:15:48,032
that tennis ball
is Mitch McConnell
429
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:50,234
trying to roll back subsidies
on the Affordable Care Act,
430
00:15:50,269 --> 00:15:51,736
and I'm like, "Nope!"
431
00:15:51,771 --> 00:15:53,738
Yeah, I-I don't... I don't
need to hear your process.
432
00:15:53,773 --> 00:15:55,172
Look, I'm just happy
you pushed me,
433
00:15:55,208 --> 00:15:56,574
'cause now I can't wait
for that tournament.
434
00:15:56,609 --> 00:15:58,409
I know,
it's gonna be great.
435
00:15:58,444 --> 00:16:01,379
And I already know exactly
where I'm gonna put that trophy.
436
00:16:01,414 --> 00:16:02,813
So the baby died?
437
00:16:02,849 --> 00:16:04,215
Yeah, the baby died.
438
00:16:04,250 --> 00:16:06,417
But, look, first place.
439
00:16:10,723 --> 00:16:13,691
Chris, your mother and I want
you to stop taking them pills.
440
00:16:13,726 --> 00:16:16,027
There's a lot of great things
about having a sex drive
441
00:16:16,062 --> 00:16:18,095
that you're missing out on.
Like what?
442
00:16:18,131 --> 00:16:20,765
Well, there's the post-orgy
meals at a swingers party.
443
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,067
Come on, let's eat with
these wonderful people.
444
00:16:23,102 --> 00:16:25,436
Hey, everybody,
try my wife's ambrosia.
445
00:16:25,471 --> 00:16:28,506
If you liked my wife's snizz,
you're gonna love her ambrosia.
446
00:16:28,541 --> 00:16:30,508
I was thinking about
this seven-layer dip
447
00:16:30,543 --> 00:16:32,676
the whole time I
was chowing Ronald.
448
00:16:32,712 --> 00:16:34,111
I don't like this.
449
00:16:34,147 --> 00:16:35,546
I want to go home.
450
00:16:35,581 --> 00:16:36,747
You know what's sad?
451
00:16:36,783 --> 00:16:39,617
There's hardly any other
fathers and sons here.
452
00:16:43,689 --> 00:16:44,922
I don't know, Lois.
453
00:16:44,957 --> 00:16:47,091
I just don't think
Chris is gonna change his mind.
454
00:16:47,126 --> 00:16:48,526
(sighs)
I know.
455
00:16:48,561 --> 00:16:49,794
It's only a matter of time
456
00:16:49,829 --> 00:16:51,362
before he shaves
one side of his head
457
00:16:51,397 --> 00:16:53,364
and swoops the rest
of the hair over.
458
00:16:53,399 --> 00:16:55,699
Why, is that...
is that bad?
459
00:16:55,735 --> 00:16:57,802
Good early
evening, everyone.
460
00:16:57,837 --> 00:16:59,804
I have celebratory news.
461
00:16:59,839 --> 00:17:03,974
With all the free time, I'm
no longer devoting to onanism...
462
00:17:04,010 --> 00:17:05,810
That's spanking it?
Yes, Peter.
463
00:17:05,845 --> 00:17:08,646
...I have managed to redirect
that energy into my studies.
464
00:17:08,681 --> 00:17:12,083
In fact, today I received
the Kaplan Prize in biology.
465
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:14,018
Chris, that's great!
466
00:17:14,053 --> 00:17:17,421
Not only that, I got the highest
score on my Spanish test,
467
00:17:17,457 --> 00:17:19,523
and I even joined
the debate team.
468
00:17:19,559 --> 00:17:21,425
That's amazing!
469
00:17:21,461 --> 00:17:24,428
All right, well, I'm gonna
put some flowers in a wagon
470
00:17:24,464 --> 00:17:26,297
and walk around town.
471
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,400
You know what, Peter?
472
00:17:29,435 --> 00:17:31,769
Maybe there's a silver
lining to this fiasco.
473
00:17:31,804 --> 00:17:33,771
Not thinking about
sex all the time
474
00:17:33,806 --> 00:17:36,607
seems to have allowed Chris
to excel in other areas.
475
00:17:36,642 --> 00:17:38,008
He does seem sharper.
476
00:17:38,044 --> 00:17:39,844
Heck, the old Chris
couldn't even figure out
477
00:17:39,879 --> 00:17:41,846
the self-checkout
at the supermarket.
478
00:17:41,881 --> 00:17:44,281
REGISTER: (beeps) Please place
the item in the bagging area.
479
00:17:44,317 --> 00:17:46,684
Please remove the item
from the bagging area.
480
00:17:46,719 --> 00:17:49,687
Please take a plastic bag
from the bagging area.
481
00:17:49,722 --> 00:17:52,156
Please put the bag over
your head and tighten.
482
00:17:53,559 --> 00:17:55,559
(gasping)
483
00:17:58,564 --> 00:17:59,964
(laughing)
(laughing)
484
00:17:59,999 --> 00:18:01,966
I told you I could
make him do it.
485
00:18:02,001 --> 00:18:03,200
That's hard-core, man.
486
00:18:03,236 --> 00:18:05,202
You're hard-core.
487
00:18:10,476 --> 00:18:12,109
All right, Brian,
we win this set,
488
00:18:12,145 --> 00:18:13,310
the tournament's ours.
489
00:18:13,346 --> 00:18:14,645
Yeah, come on,
let's do this.
490
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:16,780
I can already see our
names in the newsletter,
491
00:18:16,816 --> 00:18:19,150
right below the deaths
from the previous quarter.
492
00:18:27,527 --> 00:18:29,360
Out.
What?!
493
00:18:29,395 --> 00:18:30,561
Your ball was long.
494
00:18:30,596 --> 00:18:31,795
Are you (bleep) me?!
495
00:18:31,831 --> 00:18:32,997
That thing was in!
496
00:18:33,032 --> 00:18:34,365
You're gonna penalize us
497
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,368
because you're a blind (bleep)
blue jacket (bleep)?!
498
00:18:37,403 --> 00:18:38,569
Stewie, calm down.
499
00:18:38,604 --> 00:18:40,204
I will drop you
to your knees
500
00:18:40,239 --> 00:18:42,206
and shove my racket so
far down your throat
501
00:18:42,241 --> 00:18:44,375
you'll be (bleep)
my grip for a week!
502
00:18:44,410 --> 00:18:45,809
Warning, Mr. Griffin.
503
00:18:45,845 --> 00:18:48,212
Oh, you're warning me?!
I'm warning you!
504
00:18:48,247 --> 00:18:50,848
I'm gonna go to your house
and (bleep) your wife!
505
00:18:50,883 --> 00:18:53,851
You proud of yourself,
tennis club security guard?
506
00:18:53,886 --> 00:18:55,686
Your kids look up to you?
Big man.
507
00:18:55,721 --> 00:18:58,088
Throwing out a baby and a dog.
Tough guy.
508
00:18:58,124 --> 00:19:00,524
Maybe I'll see you later when
you don't have that name tag on.
509
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:01,926
I thought your
shot was in.
510
00:19:01,961 --> 00:19:03,694
Oh, hey, pound it, dude.
511
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:09,700
So to find the area
of this circle,
512
00:19:09,735 --> 00:19:13,103
we're going to need to use pi,
whose digits go on forever.
513
00:19:13,139 --> 00:19:16,540
(chuckles) Can you imagine
if our pi was endless?
514
00:19:16,576 --> 00:19:18,909
We'd all be changing
our belt sizes.
515
00:19:18,945 --> 00:19:20,911
(chuckles)
516
00:19:20,947 --> 00:19:22,913
Thanks, Chris.
517
00:19:22,949 --> 00:19:24,548
Wow, that was
really something.
518
00:19:24,584 --> 00:19:26,050
Marcy?
519
00:19:26,085 --> 00:19:29,053
I had no idea you were
such an amazing tutor.
520
00:19:29,088 --> 00:19:30,487
And I really like
your pendant.
521
00:19:30,523 --> 00:19:33,891
Thanks, but why are you
being so nice to me?
522
00:19:33,926 --> 00:19:35,893
You got me in so much
trouble before.
523
00:19:35,928 --> 00:19:37,895
Yeah, I'm really
sorry about that.
524
00:19:37,930 --> 00:19:40,130
That was just my dumb,
overprotective dad.
525
00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:41,532
Really?
526
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:44,201
Yeah, he took my phone to look
at pictures of my friends,
527
00:19:44,237 --> 00:19:45,803
and he found the
one you sent.
528
00:19:45,838 --> 00:19:47,338
I bet that caught him
by surprise.
529
00:19:47,373 --> 00:19:48,639
Definitely.
530
00:19:48,674 --> 00:19:52,076
Well, I hope you know
that's not who I am anymore.
531
00:19:52,111 --> 00:19:56,013
I do, and I hope I didn't
cause you too much trouble.
532
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,253
(alarm blaring)
533
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:03,654
This is not a drill!
534
00:20:03,689 --> 00:20:05,522
I repeat, not a drill!
535
00:20:07,326 --> 00:20:09,727
Good to be back doing
this again, huh, Bill?
536
00:20:09,762 --> 00:20:11,562
What, shoveling
coal into a penis?
537
00:20:11,597 --> 00:20:12,696
I was sleeping.
538
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,399
What's happening?!
539
00:20:15,434 --> 00:20:16,800
(normal voice):
I don't know.
540
00:20:16,836 --> 00:20:18,969
Someone... someone get me
nude art books!
541
00:20:19,005 --> 00:20:21,071
I need nude art books!
542
00:20:21,107 --> 00:20:22,906
Oh, good, Chris.
543
00:20:22,942 --> 00:20:24,908
You can hang this
New York Times back on...
544
00:20:24,944 --> 00:20:27,678
(gasps):
Oh, a pee-pee!
545
00:20:31,517 --> 00:20:33,917
Well, Chris, you
killed that librarian,
546
00:20:33,953 --> 00:20:36,320
but we're glad to have you
back to your old self.
547
00:20:36,355 --> 00:20:38,956
Mrs. Lapardo worked at
that school for 54 years.
548
00:20:38,991 --> 00:20:40,591
Well, at least
she saw a little Wang
549
00:20:40,626 --> 00:20:41,925
before taking that dirt nap.
550
00:20:41,961 --> 00:20:43,260
Thanks, you guys.
551
00:20:43,296 --> 00:20:46,363
I guess chemical castration
isn't for everyone.
552
00:20:46,399 --> 00:20:49,366
I-Is that... is that
the lesson for this week?
553
00:20:49,402 --> 00:20:52,691
Uh, I guess it's that or
be kinder on the tennis court.
554
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:54,859
Where have you been?
555
00:20:54,939 --> 00:21:01,439
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man