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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:03,872 --> 00:00:07,140
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,175 --> 00:00:10,710
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:10,746 --> 00:00:13,713
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:24,498 --> 00:00:28,498
♪ Family Guy 14x18 ♪
The New Adventures of Old Tom
Original Air Date on May 8, 2016
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00:00:28,499 --> 00:00:33,999
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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We now return
to The Price is Right,
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00:00:35,937 --> 00:00:37,937
now with male models.
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00:00:37,973 --> 00:00:42,208
Let's look at this beautiful
new car, presented by Ken.
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I don't want it.
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00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:47,714
Peter, what the hell
happened to my underwear?
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00:00:47,749 --> 00:00:49,215
They're all stretched out.
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00:00:49,251 --> 00:00:50,216
Oh, sorry about that.
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00:00:50,252 --> 00:00:51,418
Me and the guys
were using them
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00:00:51,453 --> 00:00:54,120
to shoot crab apples
at Old Man McCratchen's truck.
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00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:56,723
We don't want
raisins on Halloween,
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00:00:56,758 --> 00:00:58,391
we want candy!
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00:00:58,427 --> 00:01:00,560
Hey, Quagmire, aren't you
gonna get in on this?
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00:01:00,595 --> 00:01:03,997
I, uh, kind of got my own
game going on over here.
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00:01:08,670 --> 00:01:10,804
All right, I'm off to
get more underwear.
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00:01:10,839 --> 00:01:12,572
We'll meet back
here at 2:00.
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00:01:12,607 --> 00:01:13,807
Chris, do you
remember your job?
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To try and get my shoes
sucked into the escalator
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00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:17,610
so we can sue the mall.
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00:01:17,646 --> 00:01:18,845
That's right, sweetie.
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I heard they're paying
50 grand a toe now.
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00:01:25,921 --> 00:01:27,620
Ah, the train.
33
00:01:27,656 --> 00:01:29,389
Now that was
the way to travel.
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00:01:29,424 --> 00:01:30,590
You remember that, Chris?
35
00:01:30,625 --> 00:01:31,625
Not at all.
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00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:33,193
When did we go
and get ourselves
37
00:01:33,228 --> 00:01:35,428
in such a big damn hurry?
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00:01:35,464 --> 00:01:38,398
Hi, uh, I'll take two tickets
for the Ladybug Express, please.
39
00:01:38,433 --> 00:01:40,233
Sorry, the train is
just for children.
40
00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:41,668
Well, what about
that guy in the front?
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00:01:41,703 --> 00:01:42,669
He's a grown-up.
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00:01:42,704 --> 00:01:43,704
He's the conductor.
43
00:01:43,739 --> 00:01:45,238
I don't see no orchestra.
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00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:47,006
That's a different
kind of conductor.
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00:01:47,042 --> 00:01:48,742
Okay, well,
if he's the conductor,
46
00:01:48,777 --> 00:01:50,009
why don't he have
electrical tape
47
00:01:50,045 --> 00:01:51,211
wrapped around
him for safety?
48
00:01:51,246 --> 00:01:53,079
Also, a different
kind of conductor.
49
00:01:53,115 --> 00:01:54,848
All right, thanks for
joking around with me.
50
00:01:54,883 --> 00:01:56,683
We're gonna go check out
the rest of the mall.
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00:02:00,088 --> 00:02:01,187
So, I'm thinking
about getting
52
00:02:01,223 --> 00:02:03,523
my ears pierced,
you know, big black gauges.
53
00:02:03,558 --> 00:02:05,825
Then, I can just work
at a bike shop forever.
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00:02:05,861 --> 00:02:06,893
Take the pressure off.
55
00:02:06,928 --> 00:02:07,994
That's a terrible idea.
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00:02:08,029 --> 00:02:09,095
'Cause my lobes
are so nice,
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00:02:09,131 --> 00:02:10,296
I know, that's what
everybody says.
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00:02:10,332 --> 00:02:12,332
Wow, check it out.
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00:02:12,367 --> 00:02:14,801
Biracial slam piece,
dead ahead.
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What's going on
with you, man?
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00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:19,405
That's a human being.
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00:02:19,441 --> 00:02:20,507
Sorry, sorry,
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00:02:20,542 --> 00:02:22,475
my buddy sent me a
bunch of Romanian porn,
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and now every girl
I look at I imagine
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00:02:23,979 --> 00:02:25,211
throwing onto a table.
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00:02:25,247 --> 00:02:27,947
Yeah, that wasn't really
the backpedal I expected.
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00:02:27,983 --> 00:02:29,849
Excuse me, uh, Shelby?
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00:02:29,885 --> 00:02:30,984
Hi, I'm Brian.
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00:02:31,019 --> 00:02:32,185
Hey, I bet lots
of millionaires
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00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:34,254
come in here and hit on
you all the time, huh?
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Do we?
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00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,556
Do we-do we do that a lot?
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00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,391
Yeah, I guess it
happens sometimes.
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00:02:38,426 --> 00:02:39,692
Did you want to
look at something?
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Already am.
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Hey, can I try that on?
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Good taste.
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That's our nicest
men's ring.
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00:02:44,900 --> 00:02:47,467
Uh, better see if it'll
come off when I ski Aspen.
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00:02:49,938 --> 00:02:52,105
Yeah, yeah,
that works, that works.
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00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:54,507
I know I'm a nerd,
but I have, like,
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a thing for rich guys.
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00:02:56,278 --> 00:02:57,343
I'll take the ring,
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00:02:57,379 --> 00:02:59,579
and I'll take your number.
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Here you go.
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00:03:00,615 --> 00:03:02,248
Call me.
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00:03:02,284 --> 00:03:03,283
What the hell
are you doing?
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That ring is $10,000.
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00:03:04,786 --> 00:03:06,119
Relax, Stewie.
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All I have to do
is bring the ring back
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00:03:09,891 --> 00:03:11,057
when she's not working.
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00:03:11,092 --> 00:03:12,592
I'll get a refund
and she'll never know.
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00:03:12,627 --> 00:03:14,794
It's a perfect scam,
like Teddy Roosevelt
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00:03:14,830 --> 00:03:16,496
getting to be
on Mount Rushmore.
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00:03:16,531 --> 00:03:18,731
I won the
Revolutionary War.
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00:03:18,767 --> 00:03:20,767
I won the Civil War.
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00:03:20,802 --> 00:03:23,136
I gained possession of Guam!
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00:03:28,043 --> 00:03:29,075
There you are.
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00:03:29,110 --> 00:03:31,144
We were supposed
to meet an hour ago.
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00:03:31,179 --> 00:03:32,278
Yeah, I'm almost done.
101
00:03:32,314 --> 00:03:33,947
I'm playing a really cool
new video game.
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00:03:33,982 --> 00:03:35,715
Michael Douglas's Munch Out.
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00:03:35,750 --> 00:03:36,883
Nah...
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00:03:36,918 --> 00:03:39,452
Nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
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00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:40,553
Come on, Peter.
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00:03:40,589 --> 00:03:41,554
It's time to go home.
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00:03:41,590 --> 00:03:42,555
Not now, Lois.
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00:03:42,591 --> 00:03:43,656
I'm making ladies feel good.
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00:03:43,692 --> 00:03:45,658
Peter, I've been
on my feet all day.
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00:03:45,694 --> 00:03:46,926
Let's go.
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00:03:46,962 --> 00:03:48,895
I'd stop, but
Catherine Zeta Jones' big hands
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00:03:48,930 --> 00:03:50,029
are on the back of my head.
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You know what?
Forget this.
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We're leaving.
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00:03:52,601 --> 00:03:54,000
You find your
own way home.
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00:03:55,036 --> 00:03:56,569
What?
Throat cancer?
117
00:03:56,605 --> 00:03:59,873
But all I did was drink Scotch,
smoke cigars, and this.
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00:03:59,908 --> 00:04:01,441
All right, we can go, Lois.
119
00:04:01,476 --> 00:04:02,476
Lois?
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00:04:08,350 --> 00:04:09,350
Mort?!
121
00:04:09,384 --> 00:04:10,917
Oh, hey, how do you
like my blowout?
122
00:04:10,952 --> 00:04:14,020
I'm pulling down so
much chotch, it's insane.
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00:04:14,055 --> 00:04:16,890
I don't... I-I'm... Yuck.
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00:04:18,059 --> 00:04:19,059
Lois?
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00:04:21,096 --> 00:04:22,128
Oh, no!
126
00:04:22,163 --> 00:04:24,163
I'm alone and lost in the mall!
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00:04:24,199 --> 00:04:27,033
I haven't been this scared
since the silence of the lamb.
128
00:04:27,068 --> 00:04:29,435
Hey, um...
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00:04:29,471 --> 00:04:30,837
let's move in together.
130
00:04:33,742 --> 00:04:35,408
Say something!
131
00:04:38,246 --> 00:04:39,746
...and I turned around,
and I don't know
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00:04:39,781 --> 00:04:41,915
what happened to my wife,
and now I'm all alone
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00:04:41,950 --> 00:04:43,283
and I'm just so scared.
134
00:04:43,318 --> 00:04:44,284
Okay.
135
00:04:44,319 --> 00:04:46,052
Do you want to go
look for your wife,
136
00:04:46,087 --> 00:04:48,054
or you want me to
finish the makeover?
137
00:04:48,089 --> 00:04:49,889
I guess we might
as well finish up here.
138
00:04:49,925 --> 00:04:53,226
When I find her,
I want her to go, "Wow."
139
00:04:56,264 --> 00:04:57,463
Lois?
140
00:04:57,499 --> 00:04:58,665
Lois!
141
00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:00,433
Lois!
142
00:05:00,468 --> 00:05:01,801
Lois!
143
00:05:01,836 --> 00:05:03,703
Is your wife named Lois, too?
144
00:05:03,738 --> 00:05:06,039
No, but I figured if
she's banging a guy like you,
145
00:05:06,074 --> 00:05:07,106
I got a shot.
146
00:05:07,142 --> 00:05:08,241
Lois!
147
00:05:08,276 --> 00:05:09,709
Hey, what're you-- Lois!
148
00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:10,744
Lois!
149
00:05:10,779 --> 00:05:12,078
Lois!
150
00:05:15,483 --> 00:05:16,749
W-wait, hang on
a second, Shelby,
151
00:05:16,785 --> 00:05:18,451
I can't hear
you over my brokers.
152
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:19,752
Buy! Sell!
153
00:05:19,788 --> 00:05:21,287
Buy! Buy!
154
00:05:21,323 --> 00:05:23,623
Wow, buying and selling?
155
00:05:23,658 --> 00:05:24,691
Yeah, yeah.
156
00:05:24,726 --> 00:05:25,858
Well, I'll see you Saturday.
157
00:05:25,894 --> 00:05:27,193
I better go;
my helicopter's here.
158
00:05:27,228 --> 00:05:29,462
Fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo.
159
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:30,563
Are you still--
160
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:31,597
by the way, you have no idea
161
00:05:31,633 --> 00:05:32,598
what a helicopter sounds like--
162
00:05:32,634 --> 00:05:34,334
are you still keeping
up this charade?
163
00:05:34,369 --> 00:05:35,401
Yeah, but it's perfect.
164
00:05:35,437 --> 00:05:36,477
Shelby's already off work,
165
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:37,570
so I'll just grab the ring
166
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,572
and we can bring it back
before they close.
167
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:44,010
Huh, I know I left
the ring right here.
168
00:05:44,045 --> 00:05:45,611
If you're referring to the ring
169
00:05:45,647 --> 00:05:47,780
that I thought was a lug nut,
I ate it.
170
00:05:47,816 --> 00:05:48,781
What?!
171
00:05:48,817 --> 00:05:49,916
Why would you eat a lug nut?
172
00:05:49,951 --> 00:05:51,517
I was dared.
By who?!
173
00:05:51,553 --> 00:05:52,518
By myself.
174
00:05:52,554 --> 00:05:54,153
I have low self-esteem.
175
00:05:54,189 --> 00:05:55,922
We should check in
on this guy more.
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00:05:55,957 --> 00:05:57,423
Oh, my God,
this can't be happening!
177
00:05:57,459 --> 00:05:58,992
Chris, that was a diamond ring!
178
00:05:59,027 --> 00:06:00,760
Do you know how expensive
that was?!
179
00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:02,228
I'm sorry, Brian!
180
00:06:02,263 --> 00:06:04,964
But don't worry, it'll come out
of my body sooner or later.
181
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,000
He's right.
182
00:06:06,034 --> 00:06:07,300
I ate a dime once.
183
00:06:07,335 --> 00:06:09,135
It became a manhole cover
for, like, three days,
184
00:06:09,170 --> 00:06:10,303
but then, pow!
185
00:06:10,338 --> 00:06:12,238
Okay, yeah, yeah,
we just-we just got to force
186
00:06:12,273 --> 00:06:13,439
Chris to poop, that's all.
187
00:06:13,475 --> 00:06:15,875
Yay! Like at a sleep-over!
188
00:06:15,910 --> 00:06:17,477
I love you.
189
00:06:17,512 --> 00:06:19,512
You're loved.
190
00:06:23,485 --> 00:06:25,125
the Quahog Mall
191
00:06:25,153 --> 00:06:27,053
will be closing
in five minutes.
192
00:06:27,088 --> 00:06:28,521
Well, I've looked everywhere.
193
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:29,989
Maybe she left.
194
00:06:30,025 --> 00:06:33,426
Paul Blart, if you're out there,
I could sure use a miracle.
195
00:06:43,038 --> 00:06:44,604
Choo-choo!
196
00:06:44,639 --> 00:06:46,873
All aboard the Ladybug Express!
197
00:06:46,908 --> 00:06:48,574
But be careful, Peter.
198
00:06:48,610 --> 00:06:51,377
If this train slows to less
than 50 miles an hour,
199
00:06:51,413 --> 00:06:53,746
then Sandra Bullock
has to marry a neo-Nazi
200
00:06:53,782 --> 00:06:55,214
and act like
she didn't know about it,
201
00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:57,717
and then overcompensate
by adopting a black kid.
202
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:00,820
Aah! Help!
203
00:07:02,123 --> 00:07:03,089
Holy crap!
204
00:07:07,228 --> 00:07:09,295
Wait! Don't close the mall!
205
00:07:09,330 --> 00:07:11,364
Like an actual Amtrak train,
206
00:07:11,399 --> 00:07:13,366
this is dangerously
out of control!
207
00:07:13,401 --> 00:07:15,334
That's legally defensible,
by the way.
208
00:07:15,370 --> 00:07:18,704
On your screen is a list
of actual rail disasters.
209
00:07:18,740 --> 00:07:22,842
♪ A chug-a chug-a motion like
a railroad train, now ♪
210
00:07:22,877 --> 00:07:25,278
♪ Come on baby,
do the Loco-motion! ♪
211
00:07:31,128 --> 00:07:32,626
Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker.
212
00:07:32,726 --> 00:07:35,227
Coming up, the secret
to remaining upbeat
213
00:07:35,262 --> 00:07:36,628
after getting
an elderly waitress.
214
00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:39,698
But we begin with breaking news
from the Quahog Mall,
215
00:07:39,733 --> 00:07:43,368
where a local fat man was stuck
overnight on a child's train.
216
00:07:43,404 --> 00:07:45,070
We now go live
to the newest member
217
00:07:45,105 --> 00:07:47,939
of the Channel Five news team,
Dallas Portland.
218
00:07:47,975 --> 00:07:48,940
Thanks, Tom.
219
00:07:48,976 --> 00:07:50,042
Yes, quite an ordeal
220
00:07:50,077 --> 00:07:51,977
for Quahog's Peter Griffin.
221
00:07:52,012 --> 00:07:55,213
So, Mr. Griffin, you were going
around in circles for 12 hours.
222
00:07:55,249 --> 00:07:56,815
Are you suffering
any ill effects
223
00:07:56,850 --> 00:07:58,317
from the centrifugal force?
224
00:07:58,352 --> 00:08:02,321
The wind on my skin
is like "knifes."
225
00:08:04,558 --> 00:08:05,524
Oh, my God, Bonnie,
226
00:08:05,559 --> 00:08:07,159
are you watching
the news right now?
227
00:08:07,194 --> 00:08:09,428
Yes, I'm so sorry
about Peter.
228
00:08:09,463 --> 00:08:10,896
Oh, I'm sure he'll be fine.
229
00:08:10,931 --> 00:08:13,398
But did you see that
sweet, new piece of ass,
230
00:08:13,434 --> 00:08:14,599
Dallas Portland?
231
00:08:14,635 --> 00:08:15,867
Oh, I don't know.
232
00:08:15,903 --> 00:08:18,804
Why don't you ask my
index and middle finger?
233
00:08:18,839 --> 00:08:20,839
I thought this
was a recovery day.
234
00:08:20,874 --> 00:08:22,908
No days off, bro.
235
00:08:27,014 --> 00:08:29,181
Peter, move,
we need the TV.
236
00:08:29,216 --> 00:08:30,982
Is this...
is this a coven?
237
00:08:31,018 --> 00:08:32,484
No, we're watching the news.
238
00:08:32,519 --> 00:08:33,819
Now get out of the way.
239
00:08:33,854 --> 00:08:36,121
We had a bottle of wine
and a joint at Bonnie's house,
240
00:08:36,156 --> 00:08:37,689
and we want to watch
Dallas Portland
241
00:08:37,725 --> 00:08:39,224
before the buzz wears off.
242
00:08:39,259 --> 00:08:41,727
You chicken-heads
are out of control.
243
00:08:42,763 --> 00:08:44,463
Yoga for men?
244
00:08:44,498 --> 00:08:46,898
Yes, says the
inventor of Bro-ga.
245
00:08:46,934 --> 00:08:49,201
I'm here in his studio
above the Petco to see
246
00:08:49,236 --> 00:08:52,070
if I want to "nama-stay"
for the whole class.
247
00:08:53,907 --> 00:08:55,874
I guess he's handsome and funny.
248
00:08:55,909 --> 00:08:58,310
Oh, feel like I'm cheating
on Tom Bergeron.
249
00:08:58,345 --> 00:08:59,978
That's who you're
all excited about?
250
00:09:00,013 --> 00:09:02,013
That chiseled Adonis
with eyes the color
251
00:09:02,049 --> 00:09:03,448
of summer's first
blueberry?
252
00:09:03,484 --> 00:09:05,117
I don't know
about none of that,
253
00:09:05,152 --> 00:09:07,018
but look at that bulge
in his shorts.
254
00:09:07,054 --> 00:09:08,253
I've never seen a bulge
255
00:09:08,288 --> 00:09:10,555
in the front of
a man's pants before.
256
00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:11,757
You see that, Peter?
257
00:09:11,792 --> 00:09:13,825
That's the right amount
of leg hair.
258
00:09:13,861 --> 00:09:14,960
My leg hair's fine.
259
00:09:14,995 --> 00:09:17,662
I have what they call,
"The Irish Wisp."
260
00:09:22,703 --> 00:09:24,669
Why are we at a
health food store?
261
00:09:24,705 --> 00:09:26,037
Well, we got to get
that ring out of you,
262
00:09:26,073 --> 00:09:27,372
and this is a place
where people buy
263
00:09:27,408 --> 00:09:29,374
disgusting cereals
to help them poop.
264
00:09:29,410 --> 00:09:31,076
Well, which one
should we buy?
265
00:09:31,111 --> 00:09:32,310
I don't know, let's ask.
266
00:09:32,346 --> 00:09:34,679
Are there any gray-haired
lesbian art teachers
267
00:09:34,715 --> 00:09:37,382
who can help us select
a fiber cereal?
268
00:09:37,418 --> 00:09:38,650
This won't take long,
269
00:09:38,685 --> 00:09:41,420
we know your large dogs
are tied up outside.
270
00:09:43,590 --> 00:09:44,990
There's too many of them!
271
00:09:45,025 --> 00:09:46,065
We've got to start a chant
272
00:09:46,093 --> 00:09:47,559
so they'll file out
into the street!
273
00:09:47,594 --> 00:09:51,062
All sex is rape!
All sex is rape!
274
00:09:51,098 --> 00:09:54,633
All sex is rape!
All sex is rape!
275
00:09:54,668 --> 00:09:56,201
When I first joined this cause,
276
00:09:56,236 --> 00:09:58,270
I was just trying
to get this guy to poop,
277
00:09:58,305 --> 00:10:01,206
but now we're this close
to getting sex outlawed
278
00:10:01,241 --> 00:10:02,441
in the United States.
279
00:10:09,016 --> 00:10:11,483
So, Peter, where are
your boyfriends tonight?
280
00:10:11,518 --> 00:10:12,751
I don't know.
Where are yours?
281
00:10:12,786 --> 00:10:14,386
What the
did you just say?!
282
00:10:14,421 --> 00:10:16,288
I'm-I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sor... I-I'm just...
283
00:10:16,323 --> 00:10:17,789
I'm not myself tonight.
284
00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,124
Lois and all
of her friends
285
00:10:19,159 --> 00:10:20,692
are drooling over
that new news guy.
286
00:10:20,727 --> 00:10:22,594
That Dallas Portland's a jerk.
287
00:10:22,629 --> 00:10:24,362
Don't even say that name.
288
00:10:24,398 --> 00:10:25,597
Tom Tucker?!
289
00:10:25,632 --> 00:10:26,765
What are you doing here?
290
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,200
Getting out of that wind storm
291
00:10:28,235 --> 00:10:30,202
that screwed up my hair
and loosened my tie,
292
00:10:30,237 --> 00:10:31,703
but also trying to forget
293
00:10:31,738 --> 00:10:33,572
how mad I am at Dallas Portland.
294
00:10:33,607 --> 00:10:34,873
You and me both, pal.
295
00:10:34,908 --> 00:10:36,274
That Dallas guy sucks.
296
00:10:36,310 --> 00:10:37,609
Why, what's your
problem with him?
297
00:10:37,644 --> 00:10:39,945
Eh, my wife's been creaming
her spinach over him.
298
00:10:39,980 --> 00:10:41,213
Yeah, tell me about it.
299
00:10:41,248 --> 00:10:43,448
Since he arrived,
our ratings have skyrocketed.
300
00:10:43,484 --> 00:10:46,251
They're grooming Dallas,
which means I'm on my way out.
301
00:10:46,286 --> 00:10:47,252
What?
302
00:10:47,287 --> 00:10:48,687
We can't let that happen.
303
00:10:48,722 --> 00:10:50,856
If that guy becomes the anchor,
every night is gonna be...
304
00:10:50,891 --> 00:10:52,390
Hey!
305
00:10:52,426 --> 00:10:54,593
Sorry, I still get a little
dizzy from the train,
306
00:10:54,628 --> 00:10:56,695
but if Dallas Portland's
on TV every night,
307
00:10:56,730 --> 00:10:58,697
my life's gonna be
a living hell.
308
00:10:58,732 --> 00:10:59,931
You and me both.
309
00:10:59,967 --> 00:11:02,534
Without the news, I...
I don't know who I am...
310
00:11:02,569 --> 00:11:03,902
but what can you do?
311
00:11:03,937 --> 00:11:05,303
He's the flavor of the month.
312
00:11:05,339 --> 00:11:07,606
But wait a minute,
maybe if we work together,
313
00:11:07,641 --> 00:11:09,241
we can solve both our problems.
314
00:11:09,276 --> 00:11:10,242
What do you mean?
315
00:11:10,277 --> 00:11:11,576
Well, if he's
the hot, young thing
316
00:11:11,612 --> 00:11:14,045
and everybody loves him,
all we got to do is make you
317
00:11:14,081 --> 00:11:16,014
hotter and
younger and thing-er!
318
00:11:16,049 --> 00:11:17,349
And then they
won't need him.
319
00:11:17,384 --> 00:11:18,483
Well, how we supposed
to do that?
320
00:11:18,519 --> 00:11:19,751
Just trust me.
321
00:11:19,786 --> 00:11:21,853
When I set my mind to something,
anything's possible.
322
00:11:21,889 --> 00:11:24,189
That's how I got
myself on The Voice.
323
00:11:24,224 --> 00:11:25,557
I'm doing this for my mother,
324
00:11:25,592 --> 00:11:28,260
who taught me to sing
when I was only seven.
325
00:11:28,295 --> 00:11:31,763
She was my biggest inspiration,
and she was...
326
00:11:31,798 --> 00:11:35,233
taken from me when I was 12...
327
00:11:35,269 --> 00:11:37,602
in a fatal car accident.
328
00:11:39,006 --> 00:11:41,606
She was my rock...
my beacon...
329
00:11:41,642 --> 00:11:43,708
and this one...
330
00:11:45,112 --> 00:11:47,078
this one's for her.
331
00:11:47,114 --> 00:11:50,081
♪ So, tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ♪
332
00:11:50,117 --> 00:11:52,684
♪ I'll tell you want I want,
what I really, really want... ♪
333
00:11:54,221 --> 00:11:56,021
All right, Tom, if you
want to be young these days,
334
00:11:56,056 --> 00:11:58,924
you gotta do a wicked
awesome GoPro skate video.
335
00:12:14,374 --> 00:12:17,375
♪ I can't stand it ♪
336
00:12:17,411 --> 00:12:19,377
♪ I know you planned it ♪
337
00:12:19,413 --> 00:12:21,279
♪ I'm-a set it straight,
this Watergate ♪
338
00:12:21,315 --> 00:12:24,082
♪ I can't stand rocking
when I'm in here ♪
339
00:12:24,117 --> 00:12:27,252
♪ Because your crystal ball
ain't so crystal clear ♪
340
00:12:27,287 --> 00:12:30,388
♪ So while you sit back
and wonder why ♪
341
00:12:30,424 --> 00:12:32,724
♪ I got this ...
thorn in my side ♪
342
00:12:32,759 --> 00:12:35,994
♪ Oh, my God, it's a mirage ♪
343
00:12:36,029 --> 00:12:37,696
♪ I'm tellin' y'all
it's sabotage... ♪
344
00:12:52,446 --> 00:12:53,612
Bear Scares,
345
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,847
Latvia's number-one
bear prank show.
346
00:12:55,882 --> 00:12:59,084
Now available in region 3 DVD.
347
00:13:02,089 --> 00:13:04,356
All right, Chris, nothing's
gotten that ring out yet.
348
00:13:04,391 --> 00:13:06,424
That's why we brought
you to this fast-food
349
00:13:06,460 --> 00:13:07,859
roast beef restaurant.
350
00:13:07,894 --> 00:13:10,362
Uh, yeah, I'll take
the Angus steak melt.
351
00:13:10,397 --> 00:13:12,063
I'm sorry, are you here
to poop something out?
352
00:13:12,099 --> 00:13:13,264
Yes.
353
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:15,300
Okay, this line is just
for regular diners.
354
00:13:15,335 --> 00:13:16,601
You need to get
in that line.
355
00:13:19,006 --> 00:13:21,039
Excuse me, is this the line
for people who need
356
00:13:21,074 --> 00:13:22,107
to puke something up?
357
00:13:22,142 --> 00:13:23,908
I think this is
just the poop line.
358
00:13:25,512 --> 00:13:27,278
Cheers.
359
00:13:27,314 --> 00:13:30,281
You know what restaurant
we're talking about.
360
00:13:33,620 --> 00:13:35,320
Ah, almost time
for the news.
361
00:13:35,355 --> 00:13:36,321
Mind if I join you?
362
00:13:36,356 --> 00:13:37,656
I thought you
hated the news.
363
00:13:37,691 --> 00:13:39,791
Developing story:
I like it now.
364
00:13:41,161 --> 00:13:42,861
Okay.
365
00:13:42,896 --> 00:13:45,430
Good evening, Quahog,
I'm Dallas Portland.
366
00:13:45,465 --> 00:13:46,698
And I'm T-Homie...
367
00:13:46,733 --> 00:13:50,201
with the news
in your mouth!
368
00:13:50,237 --> 00:13:51,903
What the hell's he doing?
369
00:13:51,938 --> 00:13:53,438
He's crushing it.
370
00:13:53,473 --> 00:13:56,641
Okay, Tom, uh,
our top story tonight:
371
00:13:56,677 --> 00:13:59,110
a burst water pipe
in the pediatric unit
372
00:13:59,146 --> 00:14:01,479
of Quahog General
results in the tragic
373
00:14:01,515 --> 00:14:04,115
drowning deaths
of four children and one nurse.
374
00:14:04,151 --> 00:14:05,884
News bomb!
375
00:14:05,919 --> 00:14:07,152
I know what you're
thinking, right?
376
00:14:07,187 --> 00:14:08,453
"He's so random."
377
00:14:08,488 --> 00:14:09,621
Boy, I never realized
378
00:14:09,656 --> 00:14:12,057
how young and hip
Tom Tucker is.
379
00:14:12,092 --> 00:14:14,626
Dallas Portland should just
pack it up and go home.
380
00:14:14,661 --> 00:14:15,894
What are you talking about?
381
00:14:15,929 --> 00:14:17,095
Wait, wait, quiet, quiet.
382
00:14:17,130 --> 00:14:19,464
Tom's about to tattoo
the word, "Coachella"
383
00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:20,732
on the bridge of his nose.
384
00:14:20,767 --> 00:14:22,000
Is that a thing?
385
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:23,768
Uh, I don't know, Grandma,
sit back and wa--
386
00:14:25,072 --> 00:14:26,037
He got his eye!
Oh, God!
387
00:14:26,073 --> 00:14:27,305
What's wrong
with you, Dallas?
388
00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:29,741
Never seen a guy so
young and cool before?
389
00:14:30,777 --> 00:14:31,876
Tumblr!
390
00:14:33,847 --> 00:14:35,580
I've just received
some breaking news.
391
00:14:35,615 --> 00:14:38,616
Channel Five News anchor
Tom Tucker has been relieved
392
00:14:38,652 --> 00:14:40,819
of his duties,
effective immediately.
393
00:14:40,854 --> 00:14:42,821
Holy crap! They fired him?
394
00:14:42,856 --> 00:14:43,856
Oh, my God!
395
00:14:43,890 --> 00:14:45,890
Oh, well, now
back to my life.
396
00:14:51,364 --> 00:14:52,263
Bear Scares
397
00:14:52,299 --> 00:14:53,398
will be back after message
398
00:14:53,433 --> 00:14:54,999
from state-run industry.
399
00:14:55,035 --> 00:14:56,201
Shirt.gov,
400
00:14:56,236 --> 00:14:57,368
shirt.gov,
401
00:14:57,404 --> 00:15:00,271
is only place
to get your shirt.
402
00:15:06,253 --> 00:15:07,719
Peter, you were
the one who told
403
00:15:07,754 --> 00:15:10,455
Tom Tucker to try
all that nonsense on TV?
404
00:15:10,490 --> 00:15:13,024
You realize you cost
that man his job.
405
00:15:13,060 --> 00:15:14,292
Well, how was
I supposed to know?
406
00:15:14,327 --> 00:15:16,728
Katie Couric went on TV
and stuck a tube up her butt
407
00:15:16,763 --> 00:15:17,829
and they threw her a parade.
408
00:15:17,864 --> 00:15:19,464
That was a colonoscopy!
409
00:15:19,499 --> 00:15:21,199
This is kind of
your fault, you know.
410
00:15:21,234 --> 00:15:22,467
I mean, you're the
one who was drooling
411
00:15:22,502 --> 00:15:23,735
over that Dallas Portland.
412
00:15:23,770 --> 00:15:25,603
I was just trying to get
that guy off the air.
413
00:15:25,639 --> 00:15:27,372
Peter, that's ridiculous.
414
00:15:27,407 --> 00:15:30,308
He's just some pretty boy
who doesn't mean anything.
415
00:15:30,343 --> 00:15:32,377
It's like when you watch
Mad Men for that chick
416
00:15:32,412 --> 00:15:33,812
you said was like a fat me.
417
00:15:33,847 --> 00:15:35,780
I said a young, fat you.
418
00:15:35,816 --> 00:15:38,550
The point is,
you've ruined that man's life.
419
00:15:38,585 --> 00:15:40,018
You're right.
420
00:15:40,053 --> 00:15:41,119
Poor Tom.
421
00:15:41,154 --> 00:15:42,887
Thanks to me,
he's fallen even
422
00:15:42,923 --> 00:15:44,656
further than Charlie Rose.
423
00:15:44,691 --> 00:15:47,158
Today on CBS This Morning,
we'll be talking about
424
00:15:47,194 --> 00:15:49,227
how much sleep you need
to not be drunk
425
00:15:49,262 --> 00:15:50,929
from the night before.
426
00:15:50,964 --> 00:15:52,297
That's not what
we're talking about.
427
00:15:52,332 --> 00:15:54,165
That's what I'm
talking about.
428
00:15:57,771 --> 00:15:59,337
I don't know
what else to do.
429
00:15:59,372 --> 00:16:00,538
We've tried everything.
430
00:16:00,574 --> 00:16:02,207
Brian, the jeweler
closes at 6:00.
431
00:16:02,242 --> 00:16:04,109
You don't have much time left
to return that ring.
432
00:16:04,144 --> 00:16:05,110
You're right.
433
00:16:05,145 --> 00:16:06,478
Well, we have no choice.
434
00:16:06,513 --> 00:16:08,513
We'll just have to take
a bumpy ride to the mall
435
00:16:08,548 --> 00:16:09,781
and hope for a miracle.
436
00:16:09,816 --> 00:16:11,883
You know, Brian,
this wouldn't have happened
437
00:16:11,918 --> 00:16:13,318
if you were just
honest with women
438
00:16:13,353 --> 00:16:14,819
and had an ounce
of integrity.
439
00:16:14,855 --> 00:16:16,020
Don't pull rank on me.
440
00:16:16,056 --> 00:16:18,189
You ate a ring,
you worthless tub of crap.
441
00:16:18,225 --> 00:16:19,190
Yeah?
442
00:16:19,226 --> 00:16:20,458
Well, who's gonna be
fishing through
443
00:16:20,494 --> 00:16:23,261
a tub of crap soon,
you unemployed buttmunch?
444
00:16:23,296 --> 00:16:25,196
Whoa, whoa,
let's calm down, guys.
445
00:16:25,232 --> 00:16:27,665
Shut up,
you unemployed buttmunch!
446
00:16:27,701 --> 00:16:30,068
Okay, he found
a burn he likes.
447
00:16:36,443 --> 00:16:37,942
What the hell do you want?
448
00:16:37,978 --> 00:16:39,077
I'm here to say...
449
00:16:39,112 --> 00:16:41,112
I'm sorry about
what happened.
450
00:16:41,148 --> 00:16:42,547
Let me make it up to you.
451
00:16:42,582 --> 00:16:44,415
I'm the one who made
you lose your job.
452
00:16:44,451 --> 00:16:45,717
I'll find you a new one.
453
00:16:45,752 --> 00:16:46,752
Don't bother.
454
00:16:46,787 --> 00:16:47,886
I'm washed up.
455
00:16:47,921 --> 00:16:50,421
Everyone saw what I did,
and besides, I...
456
00:16:50,457 --> 00:16:52,323
I can't do anything else.
457
00:16:52,359 --> 00:16:54,425
I was born to be a newsman.
458
00:16:54,461 --> 00:16:56,761
This just out: me!
459
00:16:56,797 --> 00:16:58,429
That-that happened?
460
00:16:58,465 --> 00:16:59,597
Is that for real?
461
00:16:59,633 --> 00:17:01,032
That's nuts, but still,
462
00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:02,801
I-I want to help you
get back on your feet.
463
00:17:02,836 --> 00:17:03,802
Go home, Peter.
464
00:17:03,837 --> 00:17:05,069
You've already done enough.
465
00:17:05,105 --> 00:17:06,571
Thanks to you,
it's over for me,
466
00:17:06,606 --> 00:17:08,339
like Billy Zane.
467
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:09,440
Billy, you're through.
468
00:17:09,476 --> 00:17:11,009
You haven't done
anything in ten years.
469
00:17:11,044 --> 00:17:12,277
Yes, I have.
470
00:17:12,312 --> 00:17:14,379
I was in those electronic
cigarette commercials.
471
00:17:14,414 --> 00:17:15,747
That was Stephen Dorff.
472
00:17:15,782 --> 00:17:17,482
Aw.
473
00:17:21,688 --> 00:17:23,454
How we doing on time?
Less than a minute.
474
00:17:23,490 --> 00:17:24,756
How you feeling, Chris?
475
00:17:24,791 --> 00:17:27,192
No different, except I have
to poop from all this running.
476
00:17:27,227 --> 00:17:28,227
What? That's great!
477
00:17:28,261 --> 00:17:29,427
There's a bathroom
down that hall!
478
00:17:29,462 --> 00:17:31,129
No time!
They're closing the gate!
479
00:17:41,741 --> 00:17:42,707
Hey, Shelby.
480
00:17:42,742 --> 00:17:43,875
Brian?
481
00:17:43,910 --> 00:17:45,743
It's coming!
482
00:17:45,779 --> 00:17:47,879
Oh, my God!
483
00:17:47,914 --> 00:17:49,848
Yes, um, I'd like to make
a return, please...
484
00:17:49,883 --> 00:17:51,983
and maybe take you to dinner?
485
00:17:52,018 --> 00:17:54,886
Brian, I don't care
that I was diarrhea'd on.
486
00:17:54,921 --> 00:17:57,422
I care that you weren't honest.
487
00:17:57,457 --> 00:17:59,290
I care that
I was diarrhea'd on.
488
00:17:59,326 --> 00:18:01,459
I care a great deal.
489
00:18:06,399 --> 00:18:08,633
Sorry I let you down, Tom.
490
00:18:08,668 --> 00:18:10,134
Oh, my God, look!
491
00:18:10,170 --> 00:18:11,302
Up on the roof!
492
00:18:13,173 --> 00:18:14,439
Holy crap!
493
00:18:14,474 --> 00:18:16,841
Doritos Tacos is only
for a limited time?
494
00:18:17,878 --> 00:18:19,310
And oh, no!
495
00:18:19,346 --> 00:18:21,579
Tom Tucker's gonna jump!
496
00:18:27,854 --> 00:18:29,420
Tom, I got here as
fast as I could.
497
00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:31,155
So-so, what's-what's
going on?
498
00:18:31,191 --> 00:18:32,290
It's over for me, Peter.
499
00:18:32,325 --> 00:18:34,192
If I can't anchor
the local news,
500
00:18:34,227 --> 00:18:35,827
I have no reason to live.
501
00:18:35,862 --> 00:18:37,929
Look, Tom, Tom, before
you do anything crazy,
502
00:18:37,964 --> 00:18:39,364
you should know one thing:
503
00:18:39,399 --> 00:18:42,066
I have that exact
same bathrobe.
504
00:18:42,102 --> 00:18:44,168
Hey, Tom, the camera's
gonna be on you in a second.
505
00:18:44,204 --> 00:18:45,737
Before you jump,
could you just hand me
506
00:18:45,772 --> 00:18:48,373
this microphone, like you're
passing me the torch?
507
00:18:48,408 --> 00:18:49,874
What the hell
are you doing here?
508
00:18:49,910 --> 00:18:50,875
What am I doing?
509
00:18:50,911 --> 00:18:52,377
Getting an interview
with a crazed jumper
510
00:18:52,412 --> 00:18:53,444
on the brink of suicide.
511
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,545
This is huge.
512
00:18:54,581 --> 00:18:56,180
Wait a second.
513
00:18:56,216 --> 00:18:57,582
You heard wrong, Dallas.
514
00:18:57,617 --> 00:18:59,784
There's a jumper here,
but it ain't Tom.
515
00:18:59,819 --> 00:19:01,085
It's me.
What?!
516
00:19:01,121 --> 00:19:02,086
That's right.
517
00:19:02,122 --> 00:19:03,588
Tom was just trying
to talk me down,
518
00:19:03,623 --> 00:19:05,556
and if there's
a news story here,
519
00:19:05,592 --> 00:19:08,559
the only one I'm giving
it to is Tom Tucker.
520
00:19:08,595 --> 00:19:10,795
Here.
521
00:19:10,830 --> 00:19:12,463
Roll it.
522
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:14,632
Good evening, Quahog.
523
00:19:14,668 --> 00:19:16,200
This is Tom Tucker
atop a roof,
524
00:19:16,236 --> 00:19:19,404
where a local crazy person
is preparing to end it all.
525
00:19:19,439 --> 00:19:20,405
Bonnie!
526
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,607
Tom Tucker's back on the news!
527
00:19:22,642 --> 00:19:23,908
Oh, here you are.
528
00:19:23,944 --> 00:19:24,909
Tom Tucker's back...
529
00:19:24,945 --> 00:19:26,110
I know.
530
00:19:26,146 --> 00:19:28,513
Honey, I'm back on TV.
531
00:19:28,548 --> 00:19:30,281
No, Billy,
that's Tom Tucker.
532
00:19:30,317 --> 00:19:31,749
Aw.
533
00:19:31,785 --> 00:19:33,584
What's going on?
534
00:19:33,620 --> 00:19:35,954
Don't worry about it,
just get those pants off.
535
00:19:35,989 --> 00:19:38,489
Oh, your hair is amazing.
536
00:19:38,525 --> 00:19:41,426
Tell us, crazy person,
why are you doing all this?
537
00:19:41,461 --> 00:19:42,627
I'll tell you why.
538
00:19:42,662 --> 00:19:45,396
I'm doing this because
I ruined a guy's life...
539
00:19:45,432 --> 00:19:46,898
and I feel awful about it.
540
00:19:46,933 --> 00:19:50,301
It's the only thing I can think
of to make things right.
541
00:19:51,972 --> 00:19:54,839
Well, whoever this guy is,
I'm sure he appreciates
542
00:19:54,874 --> 00:19:56,174
what you're trying
to do for him.
543
00:19:56,209 --> 00:19:58,609
I think I speak for all
our viewers when I say,
544
00:19:58,645 --> 00:20:00,144
don't do this.
545
00:20:00,180 --> 00:20:01,512
Please.
546
00:20:01,548 --> 00:20:03,047
Come down off
this ledge with me.
547
00:20:03,083 --> 00:20:04,682
You got it.
548
00:20:04,718 --> 00:20:08,052
If that's what the most trusted
newsman in Quahog wants.
549
00:20:10,023 --> 00:20:10,989
Aah! Pigeon!
550
00:20:13,159 --> 00:20:14,125
It's fine.
551
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:15,160
He landed on people.
552
00:20:20,843 --> 00:20:22,977
Well, I'm glad your
crazy stunt worked out
553
00:20:23,012 --> 00:20:25,079
and Tom Tucker is back
at Channel Five.
554
00:20:25,114 --> 00:20:26,080
Yeah, apparently,
555
00:20:26,115 --> 00:20:27,314
when he interviewed me
up on that roof,
556
00:20:27,350 --> 00:20:29,817
the ratings were so huge,
they made him anchor again.
557
00:20:29,852 --> 00:20:31,352
That's great
to hear, because...
558
00:20:31,387 --> 00:20:34,188
Lois! Lois!
559
00:20:34,223 --> 00:20:35,723
I-Is somebody
calling my name?
560
00:20:35,758 --> 00:20:37,558
Lois!
561
00:20:37,593 --> 00:20:38,692
I don't think so, no.
562
00:20:38,728 --> 00:20:40,261
Lois, I'm rich!
563
00:20:40,296 --> 00:20:42,296
Now I think I do
hear something.
564
00:20:42,331 --> 00:20:43,898
I should probably
go see what he wants.
565
00:20:43,933 --> 00:20:48,068
I know I'm a nerd, but I have,
like, a thing for rich guys.
566
00:20:50,273 --> 00:20:53,073
Oh, boy, she's getting
in his helicopter.
567
00:20:53,109 --> 00:20:54,275
Fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo,
568
00:20:54,310 --> 00:20:56,410
fa-doo, fa-doo,
fa-doo, fa-doo, fa-doo...
569
00:20:56,445 --> 00:20:59,413
Well, I'm big enough
to admit when I'm wrong.
570
00:21:01,940 --> 00:21:08,440
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man