- Peter, did you brush your teeth? - No.
- Peter, brush your teeth. - I don't wanna.
Peter, brush your teeth.
No, it's stupid.
Well, I guess we're gonna have to do this the hard way.
- No! - Open your mouth.
- No! No! - Peter, open your mouth!
Show me your teeth! Show me your teeth!
Peter, did you hear that?
Oh, my God, there are men breaking into our house.
Dad, what is it? What's going on?
I heard a noise.
Is somebody downstairs?
Oh, God, Meg, you startled me. I'm sorry.
What the hell's your problem, you dumbass?
What the deuce is all the commotion?
Quick, everyone get in the attic.
Peter, what is that?
Well, I got the idea to build a panic room
after I saw that movie, The Butterfly Effect.
I thought, " Wow, this is terrible.
"I wish I could escape to a place where this movie couldn't find me,"
- and then... - What the hell are we waiting for?
These monitors are for watching the house.
See, there's Stewie's room, Chris' room, Meg's room...
Peter, there's no phone in here.
How are we gonna call the police?
Oh, my God. We're all gonna die!
That's not true.
We'll survive by eating each other.
But I think it's important for the last one of us left alive to know this story.
The story of the Griffin family history.
Here's how it all began.
Everything started with the big bang.
It was a Saturday night,
and God and his roommate Chugs were arm wrestling.
You're going down, man.
Oh, dude, that is sick.
Yeah! Undefeated!
Oh, wait, wait, wait. Here comes another one. Quick, give me your lighter.
You smell that?
Then, over millions of years, evolution took its course.
Of course, I'm obligated by the State of Kansas
to present the Church's alternative to the theory of evolution.
And the noblest of all those early creatures was the dinosaur.
Hey, Lois. I'm gonna go nail a couple of dinosaurs in the next valley.
Peter, that's terrible.
Hey, I don't know any better.
I'm a dinosaur. I don't have morals.
Hey, a herpesaur.
Hey, Peter, does your tail itch?
After that, a meteor hit the earth,
turning it into a block of ice for some reason.
But then it thawed and cavemen came.
Why Peter look sad?
Brian, Peter invent wheel. Peter show wheel to people in town,
but no one want wheel.
Everyone excited about trapezoid.
No one buy wheel.
Peter, you invent wheel?
That big breakthrough.
This maybe make you millionaire.
Then how come no one buy Peter wheel?
Maybe sales pitch not good enough.
Brian help.
Okay, sell wheel just like practice.
Not sure can do it.
You so money. Don't know it.
Hi, me Peter.
Tired walking everyplace?
Need something make you go?
Peter wheel make you go.
Maybe Joe want try wheel on chair.
For last time, Joe no want.
Brian, Peter fail again.
Not so fast. Brian have other idea.
Anyone buy wheel get dead bird.
Not working. Try drastic measure.
Brian, what hell?
Hot lady next to wheel.
Make me want wheel.
Maybe if me buy wheel, me get pretty lady, too. I buy wheel.
People want Peter wheel thanks to sexy wife.
Tonight you and me party like it's nine.
Damn all. What deuce? Victory's Stewie's.
There have been many great Griffins throughout history,
including Moses Griffin, who led the Jews out of Egypt.
All right, it's gonna be a long journey, everyone,
but I will lead you to freedom.
Now, Jews, ho!
Here we are, the Red Sea.
Now, all we gotta do is swim across.
I didn't bring my trunks.
I don't want to step on a shell.
I can't get water in my ears.
I ate 20 minutes ago.
You know, what they flush in Cairo ends up right here.
All right, I'll see what I can do.
Oh, I can part the Red Sea.
You know he hasn't talked to his brother in three years?
All right, listen up.
Before we go any further, I'm gonna lay down a few rules, all right?
Commandment Number One: Shut the hell up.
Commandment Number two: There's nothing I can do about the sun.
Commandment Number three:
There are no more Jolly Ranchers, they're all gone.
Commandment Number four:
When we pass a billboard, please don't read it out loud, all right?
Now, come on, let's get going.
Ooh, look at that. "Danny Gans, Entertainer of the Year."
What did I say?
"Hassle-free checking." Damn it!
"Mancow in the morning." - Shut up!
Peter, can we stop the stories for a minute?
We need to figure out how we're gonna survive.
I mean, is there even any food in here?
Right, good thinking.
Meg, go get us some sandwiches.
Wait a minute, that's a great idea.
If Meg can get through the vent,
she can sneak out and go get help.
Dad, I can't go through the vent.
Yeah, she's right. We need to grease her up so she doesn't get stuck.
Everybody, spit on Meg.
Stop! Stop! Stop! Okay, okay!
I meant I can't do it because there are burglars down there.
Come on, they're not gonna touch you.
You're covered with spit.
Be careful, Meg.
I hate you all!
Hey, I hate you too, bitch.
Oh, no, no, I'm just kidding. Can you imagine?
You think Meg made it through the vent?
Well, let's find out.
Oh, there she is. She's in the kitchen.
Hey, Meg. I see you there in the kitchen.
Put my sandwich on whole wheat, please.
No, no, no, no, don't use that mustard.
Use the other mustard.
Oh, God, Meg, they know you're there.
Quick, scrape that mustard off.
Use the other mustard!
Oh, no. The burglars got my baby.
I think they're making a sign to tell us something.
Better not be using my crayons, mixing them up.
"We have your son."
Meg's our daughter.
Peter, do something!
You know, Meg being captured by evil men reminds me of another story.
It's distracting.
Um, this is the story of my ancestor Nate Griffin.
Of course, Nate Griffin was his slave name.
His real name was Richard Bachman.
And this is the story of his roots.
It all began in Africa in the tiny village of Quahogswana
where he was a proud member of the tribe of Tootie-and-Blair.
Hey, Quagdingo, how was your date last night?
Oh, it was awesome. You never feel as big as you do with a pygmy.
Hey, you guys wanna go get a drink at Club 227?
Not today, Joemama.
I'm going off to find a log to build a drum,
so I can play the opening part from Hot For Teacher.
I'll see you guys later.
Coming up in this half hour,
flies on your face: How many is too many?
But first, that orange thing in the sky
and what you can do to please it.
You know, you shouldn't be poking around out here.
White men have been spotted nearby,
laying traps and forming slo-pitch softball leagues.
Well, whatever makes them happy.
Live and let live, that's what I say.
And I'm sure that's what they say, too.
Hello. I'm Cleveland from South Carolina.
Wow, you're a different color than me.
Would you like to be equals?
Hey, Quagdingo, you wanna play I-spy again?
No!
I spy something beige.
- Wood. - Yeah.
Hello and welcome to the news at what I suspect is dawn.
Our top story continues to be,
where is this giant canoe heading?
But first, let's go to Ollie Williams
with the portside window report.
- Ollie? - I saw a fish!
Thanks, Ollie. And now, sleep.
Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose.
If we can break out of here, I've got an idea
how to give the captain of this boat what he deserves.
Hey, where's the captain?
I don't know. I haven't seen him all morning.
You dirty...
This is gonna be the best summer ever.
And it was.
But Nate soon found himself put to work on a Southern plantation.
It was way down there.
You know, where you stop seeing Howard Johnsons
and you start seeing Stuckey's.
Anyway, it was a horrible place
where they took away everybody's African names
and gave them new names.
What's your name?
Tobi with an "I."
With an accent over the "I," and a little line over the "O,"
so you know it's a long vowel sound and not a short one.
And sometimes I like to dot the "I"
with a little smiley face or a heart or something.
Something to brighten the reader's day.
I asked you what your name was.
Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be.
Of course, back then,
the South was a very different place than it is today.
A backward place where they didn't believe in science
and hated others just for being different.
Time has a way of changing a place and its people.
Uh, excuse me. Hi. Yeah, is there, like,
a human resources guy we could talk to?
- Um, I have a work-related grievance. - What?
Yeah, the quarters are too crowded, the hours are long,
and, uh, you know, I don't like to be "this guy,"
but a couple of the overseers have been making racial slurs.
And then, all of a sudden, he saw her.
Lois Laura Bush Lynne Cheney Pewterschmidt,
the plantation owner's daughter.
Of course, ordinarily, black guys aren't attracted to white women,
but she was something different.
As a poet might say, she was the kind of woman
you just want to have sex with over and over.
With the kind of breasts you just wanna push together
so she looks like a cross-eyed torso.
He knew he had to have her.
Is someone there?
- Lois! - Who are you?
Hi. I'm Nate Griffin.
I work against my will for your dad.
Oh, yeah? Well, what do you do?
Well, let's just say I know my way around a hoe.
And from the moment that piece of off-color blue comedy was uttered,
their lives were changed forever.
- You wanna do it? - You bet your sweet black ass I do.
So for the next 15 years, they raised a family in secrecy.
Supper's ready! Come and get it, kids!
You know the best part about being half-black and half-white?
When I grow up, I'll be accepted by everybody.
A- ha!
Daddy!
Just as I thought!
Lois, how in God's name could you embarrass the family like this?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sitting right here.
Daddy, you're the embarrassment.
Nate and I love each other!
Tell it to the authorities, because you're all going to jail!
Run!
And so they set off on their escape to the North.
Luckily, they were helped by Nate's good friend, Al Cowlings,
who showed up on his trusty white bronco.
But the law was hot on their trail.
Well, we're getting a good view of the chase from up here, Tom.
That's right, Diane. We're looking at Nate Griffin and Al Cowlings,
the man we believe to be Al Cowlings.
We'll stay with the chase.
Um, it seems like a futile effort on their part, Diane.
At some point, that horse is going to have to stop and eat some grain.
But luck was on their side
and eventually, they made it to the North.
After that, Nate devoted his life
to getting back at the white man
for the injustice of slavery
by inventing the Department of Motor Vehicles.
- Sir, did you fill out the 1170? - I think I did.
- Did you fill out the 1170? - I filled this out.
That's the 1190. You're gonna have to go stand in the blue line.
Look, I was already in that line.
Sir, don't get snippy with me.
What? I've been here all morning.
That is not my prerogative, sir.
I wait in one line, they send me to another line...
You know what? You can always call to make an appointment.
I tried to call! I can't get through.
The line's always busy! It's ridiculous.
You can go wait in the appointment line, then.
- I know! I don't wanna wait! - Sir, I can't help you.
I don't have all day.
You're going to have to take that somewhere else.
- It shouldn't be this hard! - You know what? I'm on break.
Peter, enough with the storytelling. We gotta get outta here!
They're gonna kill Meg!
Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body.
Hey! A flare gun. Good idea, Peter.
If we angle it through the vent,
we might be able to alert the authorities.
Oh, my God! We're gonna drown!
We'll be fine. Here, put these on.
Peter, these are parachutes.
What are we supposed to do with these?
They're supposed to distract you
while I put on the one scuba suit.
What's the matter?
That wasn't oxygen.
That was a tank of Tony Danza's breath.
I wonder who got my oxygen tank.
Kiss me, Tony.
I want your breath inside me.
Hey!
Well, as long as death is staring us in the face,
I might as well tell you about my great-grandfather,
who was the greatest silent-movie star of the '20s.
His name was Willie ' "Black-Eye'" Griffin,
and his ocular misadventures made him a star.
' "Black-Eye'" Griffin and his family
were among the wealthiest people in Hollywood.
They spent their idle time cavorting, doing the Charleston,
and enjoying America's prosperity following World War I,
which, at that time, was called International Civil War II.
But the golden years soon ended.
Sadly, ' "Black-Eye'" Griffin's voice
just wasn't right for the talking pictures.
Pardon me, madam. I'm the truant officer.
I found these two children of yours playing hooky from school.
Oh, my! This will never do, will it, dear?
Chris, you gotta... You gotta...
It's important for you to get an education!
Get in there and finish your homework!
' "Black-Eye'" Griffin struggled to make ends meet
until he died tragically in the same manner
as 78% of Americans at that time.
He was stabbed in a card fight.
It was a simpler time. It was a better time.
Well, no matter what happens to us, I just hope Meg's okay.
So, is... Is this, like, the part
- where you guys have your way with me? - What?
You know, where I'm, like, helpless,
and you guys take turns. You know?
Oh, no! Oh, God! Oh, no, no, no, no!
What did she say?
She asked if we were gonna have our way with her.
- Ew! - No, seriously. I won't scream or anything.
No! No! I... I... No. No sale.
Come on! I'm pretty!
Are you okay?
Yeah. I was so scared.
Well, it sure would suck if you guys died
without hearing the story of my great-uncle, Peter Hitler,
who was Adolf's favorite brother.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, you ready to go check out that new skin flick over at the Boobengarden?
Peter, can't you see I'm busy?
Yeah? What are you doing?
- Stuff? - Yes.
Nazi stuff?
Yes, Peter. Nazi stuff.
Can I help?
No, Peter. Just let me work, all right?
All right, all right. Okay. All right.
Hey. Hey, Addy. Addy, look.
Addy, I'm Tojo.
Addy. Addy, look. I'm... See, look. I'm Tojo.
I am from Japan.
Sweet!
That's what a gun sounds like.
Will you stop that?
Hey, can I borrow 50 marks?
Oh, what happened to the 50 marks I gave you last week?
Oh, come on. Your girlfriend's not cheap.
Ooh!
Just kidding. Oh, look at your face.
Hey, whatever happened with that art school?
You ever gonna take another crack at that?
Look, I'm going to do a rally.
I'll be back in an hour.
A rally? Sweet.
The days of despair and hardship are over!
Today begins a new order!
All of Europe will tremble
as Germany takes its rightful place as ruler of the world!
Oh, yeah!
Yes. As I was saying, the time for victory is upon us!
Victory up the ass, baby! Yeah, come on!
A new world! A better world!
A German world!
Yeah! Germanator! I'll be back! Yeah!
We will emerge as the dominant people!
And it's all 'cause of you guys. You know what?
You guys, with your marching, and your letters, and your phone calls...
This is all thanks to you.
You made this happen, you guys.
You know... My God.
Give yourselves a round of applause.
Come on. You deserve it. You deserve it.
Hey, what do you say we all head over to the Boozenpuken, eh?
Free beer on this motherfuhrer! Eh? Come on!
I just... I can't take it anymore.
He's driving me crazy.
Take it easy, honey.
Knock, knock.
Hey, there, bro. How's it going?
Getting a lot of positive feedback about that rally. Lot of positive feedback.
Everybody loved my Germanator joke.
Look, Peter. I want you to move out.
What?
You can't live here anymore. You're a pain in my ass. I want you out.
Oh, come on, man. That's not fair.
Look, if this is about the whole me-leaving-the-seat-up thing,
I mean, that's... Is that really a big deal?
Yes, it is, Peter, because sometimes at night when Eva has to go,
if she goes in there and the seat is up
and it's dark, she sits in the water.
No way. Get the hell out of here.
Oh, no. You stupid idiot! What did you do?
Oh, my God!
All right, listen, there'll be time to grieve,
but you-you go to tell me first,
did you actually sit in the water or was that...
Well, that's pretty much all there is to tell, kids.
The Griffin family history is a rich tapestry.
But since we're all gonna die,
there's one more secret I feel I have to share with you.
- I did not care for The Godfather. - What?
Did not care for The Godfather.
How can you even say that, Dad?
Didn't like... Didn't like it.
Peter, it's so good. It's like the perfect movie.
This is what everyone always says whenever...
Robert De Niro, Al Pacino...
I mean, you never see... Robert Duvall!
I know. Fine, fine actor.
Did not like the movie.
- Why not? - Did not... Couldn't get into it.
Explain yourself. What didn't you like about it?
- It insists upon itself, Lois. - What?
- It insists upon itself. - What does that even mean?
'Cause it has a valid point to make, it's insistent!
It takes forever getting in, and then you spend, you know,
like six-and-a-half hours, and then, you know,
I can't even get through it. I can't even finish the movie.
- I've never even seen the ending. - You've never seen the ending?
Well, how can you say you don't like it
if you haven't even given it a chance?
- I agree with Stewie. It's not really fair. - It's outrageous.
I have tried on three separate occasions to get through it,
and I... I get to the scene where all the guys
are sitting around on the easy chairs...
Yeah. That's a great scene. I love that scene.
It's noted in every annal.
I have no idea what they're talking about.
It's like they're speaking a different language.
- That's where I lose interest and I go away. - They're speaking Italian!
The language they're speaking is the language of subtlety,
something you don't understand.
I love The Money Pit.
That is my answer to that statement.
- Exactly. - Well, there you go.
- Whatever. - I like that movie, too.
Thank God you guys are okay!
Wow! You saved our lives, Mr. Swanson!
We've captured the burglars.
Oh, thank God.
Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges
against your daughter.
Well, that was a close call.
You know...
Meg should probably get a lawyer.
Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories.
Your daughter's a sexual predator.
If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time.
Don't thank me, Lois. Thank my ancestors
for living lives of greatness.
All right, guys, just take her away.
Dad, help!
- Dad! - Have fun at the dance, Meg.
I hope she does. That kid really deserves it.