1
00:00:32,983 --> 00:00:35,543
Oh, Brian, we're so thrilled
your gay cousin, Jasper,
2
00:00:35,663 --> 00:00:37,223
finally decided to come visit.
3
00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:38,744
Me, too. It's been way too long.
4
00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:39,920
Anyway, thanks for putting him up.
5
00:00:39,944 --> 00:00:40,984
No problem, Brian.
6
00:00:41,104 --> 00:00:42,160
It's great to have visitors.
7
00:00:42,184 --> 00:00:44,144
Except for that time
Moby-Dick stayed with us.
8
00:00:44,224 --> 00:00:46,144
Do you have any Raisin Bran?
9
00:00:46,264 --> 00:00:48,384
Uh, oh, no, sorry.
10
00:00:49,705 --> 00:00:51,625
Well, can you go get me some?
11
00:00:51,865 --> 00:00:54,105
Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the...
12
00:00:54,185 --> 00:00:55,545
We do have...
13
00:00:55,625 --> 00:00:57,225
We got Total, and we got some raisins.
14
00:00:57,305 --> 00:00:59,145
I mean, you could,
like, mix those together.
15
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:00,642
I mean, it would be kind
of like Raisin Bran.
16
00:01:00,666 --> 00:01:01,746
Mmm, yeah, but it's not.
17
00:01:01,826 --> 00:01:04,066
It would be like Raisin Bran,
but it's not Raisin Bran.
18
00:01:04,186 --> 00:01:05,482
That would be like Total
with raisins in it.
19
00:01:05,506 --> 00:01:06,762
That's just splitting hairs here.
20
00:01:06,786 --> 00:01:08,666
It's not really doing it for me.
21
00:01:09,186 --> 00:01:11,346
What time did you say your flight was?
22
00:01:14,347 --> 00:01:17,227
Oh, no locks.
Thank you, Homeland Security.
23
00:01:18,747 --> 00:01:21,227
Hey, bud, take a break.
I'll take over. Go smoke a fatty.
24
00:01:21,307 --> 00:01:22,507
Thanks.
25
00:01:23,228 --> 00:01:25,268
This is Sierra Tango 817,
26
00:01:25,348 --> 00:01:26,644
Matthew McConaughey's private jet,
27
00:01:26,668 --> 00:01:27,868
requesting permission to land.
28
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,108
Matthew McConaughey?
29
00:01:29,228 --> 00:01:30,988
Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817.
30
00:01:31,068 --> 00:01:32,148
All our runways are filled.
31
00:01:32,188 --> 00:01:34,909
But it looks empty from up here.
We're almost out of fuel.
32
00:01:35,029 --> 00:01:36,149
No, no. No room at all.
33
00:01:36,269 --> 00:01:38,069
But, lucky for you,
there's a big, new airport
34
00:01:38,109 --> 00:01:39,349
out in the middle of the ocean.
35
00:01:39,389 --> 00:01:40,485
Keep going. You can't miss it.
36
00:01:40,509 --> 00:01:41,589
Roger that.
37
00:01:42,989 --> 00:01:44,669
Oops. Well, look at it this way.
38
00:01:44,790 --> 00:01:47,190
I just got you on next year's
Oscar telecast.
39
00:01:47,310 --> 00:01:49,590
You'll be right after Ron Howard!
40
00:01:49,670 --> 00:01:50,830
Just messing with you, Ron.
41
00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:52,430
Or maybe not!
42
00:01:52,510 --> 00:01:53,710
No, seriously, I am.
43
00:01:53,790 --> 00:01:54,790
Or am I?
44
00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:56,031
No.
45
00:01:56,431 --> 00:01:57,711
Oh, there's Jasper's plane.
46
00:01:57,791 --> 00:01:59,111
- Where?
- Third one in line.
47
00:01:59,231 --> 00:02:01,471
Oh, it's one of them new niche airlines.
48
00:02:07,112 --> 00:02:08,552
Hey, Cousin!
49
00:02:08,672 --> 00:02:10,192
Hey, Jasper!
50
00:02:10,272 --> 00:02:13,552
Everybody, this is Ricardo,
from the Philippines and my kitchen floor.
51
00:02:13,632 --> 00:02:14,712
How was your flight?
52
00:02:14,792 --> 00:02:17,032
Oh, torture!
Five hours on my moneymaker,
53
00:02:17,152 --> 00:02:19,793
sitting across from a gaggle of sailors
flying home on leave.
54
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,433
Here I am in a committed relationship,
55
00:02:21,513 --> 00:02:23,689
and all I can think about
is having a piece of Navy cake.
56
00:02:23,713 --> 00:02:26,193
"Hello. Who's that on the phone?"
"Temptation!"
57
00:02:26,273 --> 00:02:28,113
How does he
always get my number? I don't know.
58
00:02:28,153 --> 00:02:31,514
Anyway, I got big news, and I'll
tell you over dinner. Greek. On me.
59
00:02:31,594 --> 00:02:32,914
But enough about last weekend.
60
00:02:32,994 --> 00:02:34,274
I'm terrible!
61
00:02:34,394 --> 00:02:36,594
This idiot
will fit in with our family
62
00:02:36,674 --> 00:02:38,794
as badly as Peter
fit in with The Proclaimers.
63
00:02:57,916 --> 00:02:59,516
I'm singing! I'm singing!
64
00:03:03,877 --> 00:03:06,197
Hey, Chris, this field trip
is your chance, man.
65
00:03:06,277 --> 00:03:07,997
Alyssa is all alone.
66
00:03:09,717 --> 00:03:13,118
She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack
were my private parts,
67
00:03:13,238 --> 00:03:15,078
I'd let her do that to them.
68
00:03:15,158 --> 00:03:16,918
What? Kick them around?
69
00:03:16,998 --> 00:03:19,838
Um, wait. Yes.
70
00:03:20,198 --> 00:03:22,438
Welcome, citizens.
Today we commemorate
71
00:03:22,518 --> 00:03:26,759
those brave Quahog soldiers
who perished in the recent Gulf conflict.
72
00:03:26,879 --> 00:03:29,639
I can think
of no greater tribute to their memories
73
00:03:29,719 --> 00:03:31,599
than this solid gold statue
74
00:03:31,719 --> 00:03:34,999
of Dig 'Em, the Sugar Smacks frog.
75
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:36,320
What is that?
76
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:40,680
The spirit of America
is epitomized by his inspiring motto,
77
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,080
'"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack.
78
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,760
'"Give me a smack,
and I'll smack you back. '"
79
00:03:46,961 --> 00:03:48,721
I'd also like to take this opportunity
80
00:03:48,841 --> 00:03:50,561
to announce extreme budget cutbacks
81
00:03:50,641 --> 00:03:54,001
having almost nothing to do
with this solid gold statue.
82
00:03:55,841 --> 00:03:58,602
Have you ever seen
such a waste of the taxpayers' money?
83
00:03:58,682 --> 00:04:00,042
You're talking to me!
84
00:04:00,122 --> 00:04:01,722
This is more exciting than that time
85
00:04:01,802 --> 00:04:03,402
me and my friends did mushrooms.
86
00:04:03,522 --> 00:04:05,282
This is gonna be awesome!
87
00:04:05,362 --> 00:04:06,562
You said it.
88
00:04:08,163 --> 00:04:09,963
Man, you guys feel anything yet?
89
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,483
I feel kind of funny.
90
00:04:11,563 --> 00:04:12,883
I got a bellyache.
91
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,563
We shouldn't have did this, man.
92
00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,844
Lois, darling, those earrings
are delicious. Total kitsch.
93
00:04:20,924 --> 00:04:22,484
Like an Andy Warhol wet dream.
94
00:04:22,604 --> 00:04:25,324
I'm opening a museum and putting
you in it, they're that fabulous.
95
00:04:25,444 --> 00:04:27,364
You think it's clever
talking like that, do you?
96
00:04:27,444 --> 00:04:28,484
You think it's funny?
97
00:04:28,604 --> 00:04:30,485
Talking about earrings, and using words
98
00:04:30,605 --> 00:04:32,725
like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet."
99
00:04:32,845 --> 00:04:34,085
What's next? A workout
100
00:04:34,205 --> 00:04:36,765
followed by a romp around a crowded room
while the music goes...
101
00:04:41,646 --> 00:04:42,966
Oh, why did you stop?
102
00:04:43,086 --> 00:04:44,422
Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something.
103
00:04:44,446 --> 00:04:46,246
When you're in the shower at the "Y,"
104
00:04:46,326 --> 00:04:48,646
is that just like
Supermarket Sweep for you guys,
105
00:04:48,726 --> 00:04:49,982
or is there some kind of etiquette?
106
00:04:50,006 --> 00:04:51,446
Peter, stop it.
107
00:04:51,566 --> 00:04:53,407
God! You're more clueless than Popeye.
108
00:04:53,487 --> 00:04:56,167
Sir, I think you should know
these growths on your forearms,
109
00:04:56,247 --> 00:04:57,447
they're giant tumors.
110
00:04:58,607 --> 00:04:59,607
Oh, dear.
111
00:04:59,727 --> 00:05:01,303
Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized
112
00:05:01,327 --> 00:05:03,368
this is not how a human being
is supposed to look.
113
00:05:05,768 --> 00:05:08,408
And the speech thing,
and what you're doing with your eye...
114
00:05:08,528 --> 00:05:10,888
Uh, you had a stroke
about seven years ago.
115
00:05:12,408 --> 00:05:14,889
That you've managed
to be walking around all this time
116
00:05:14,969 --> 00:05:16,769
is nothing short of a miracle.
117
00:05:17,769 --> 00:05:19,169
I'd say about two months.
118
00:05:19,249 --> 00:05:21,369
Okay, all right,
time for the big announcement.
119
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,769
Everyone, Ricardo and I
are getting married!
120
00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:26,370
Oh, that is terrific!
121
00:05:26,450 --> 00:05:27,930
It's about time you two settled down.
122
00:05:27,970 --> 00:05:28,970
Oh, you hear that, Meg?
123
00:05:29,050 --> 00:05:30,610
Guys can marry other guys now.
124
00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:33,210
So... This is awkward, but, uh,
125
00:05:33,330 --> 00:05:36,611
I mean, if they can do that,
that's pretty much it for you, isn't it?
126
00:05:36,691 --> 00:05:39,291
I mean, you might as well pack it in.
Game over.
127
00:05:42,291 --> 00:05:43,531
Alyssa, hi.
128
00:05:43,771 --> 00:05:47,692
I was wondering if maybe you wanted
to do something sometime?
129
00:05:47,772 --> 00:05:48,772
Sure, Chris.
130
00:05:48,812 --> 00:05:51,412
I have a Young Republicans
meeting after school. You wanna come?
131
00:05:51,532 --> 00:05:54,692
Oh, sure. What do you do at
a Young Republicans meeting?
132
00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:57,412
We help those who already have
the means to help themselves.
133
00:05:57,492 --> 00:05:59,373
Also, we perpetuate the ideal
134
00:05:59,453 --> 00:06:02,493
that Jesus chose America
to destroy nonbelievers and brown people.
135
00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:05,893
I don't understand what you're saying,
but somehow I feel safer.
136
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,574
Karl, this is Chris.
137
00:06:11,694 --> 00:06:12,774
He wants to join our club.
138
00:06:12,854 --> 00:06:14,094
Karl is our chancellor.
139
00:06:14,214 --> 00:06:15,894
Well, Chris, we'd be happy to have you.
140
00:06:16,014 --> 00:06:18,334
There's just one little rite of initiation.
141
00:06:37,296 --> 00:06:39,416
Liberal chubby chaser!
142
00:06:40,656 --> 00:06:42,296
Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...
143
00:06:46,937 --> 00:06:49,337
I'm here at the parking lot
outside city hall,
144
00:06:49,457 --> 00:06:51,353
where hundreds of citizens
have come out in protest
145
00:06:51,377 --> 00:06:54,378
of the Mayor's decision to spend
the town's treasury on a gold frog.
146
00:06:54,458 --> 00:06:55,858
I don't like it.
147
00:06:55,938 --> 00:06:59,098
And I don't like
the contraction apostrophe-E-M.
148
00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:02,418
As far as I'm concerned,
his name is Dig Them.
149
00:07:02,498 --> 00:07:04,578
You're not welcome here, Dig Them.
150
00:07:04,699 --> 00:07:06,339
I stand behind my decision.
151
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,259
This press conference is over.
152
00:07:08,379 --> 00:07:11,059
I can't see you now.
I can't hear you now. You're not here now.
153
00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:16,580
Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom.
154
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,660
Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting.
155
00:07:21,780 --> 00:07:23,100
Damn fine. Diane?
156
00:07:23,420 --> 00:07:25,060
Well, it's encouraging to know
157
00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:28,341
that I'm not the only Mayor West
who's facing difficulties.
158
00:07:28,461 --> 00:07:30,741
But what I need now is a diversion.
159
00:07:30,821 --> 00:07:31,941
Let's see.
160
00:07:38,262 --> 00:07:40,302
Mmm. "Jingle keys."
161
00:07:45,502 --> 00:07:48,022
My God! I'm a tomato!
162
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,983
And now back to
The Sound of Music.
163
00:08:00,384 --> 00:08:01,624
Oh, thank heaven.
164
00:08:01,744 --> 00:08:03,224
The von Trapp family escaped!
165
00:08:03,304 --> 00:08:05,184
Reverend Mother, I have sinned.
166
00:08:05,304 --> 00:08:07,224
What is this sin, my child?
167
00:08:08,464 --> 00:08:09,864
Oh, well. No harm done.
168
00:08:09,984 --> 00:08:11,585
I too have sinned, Mother.
169
00:08:11,745 --> 00:08:13,185
Oh, my God!
170
00:08:13,265 --> 00:08:14,265
That's Rolfe!
171
00:08:14,305 --> 00:08:15,745
What the hell is wrong with you?
172
00:08:15,865 --> 00:08:18,145
Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on!
173
00:08:19,385 --> 00:08:20,825
Oh, Lois, there you are.
174
00:08:20,905 --> 00:08:22,586
Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you
175
00:08:22,666 --> 00:08:24,266
for letting us have the wedding here.
176
00:08:24,386 --> 00:08:26,906
Oh! You're having the wedding here?
177
00:08:27,026 --> 00:08:29,266
Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois.
I offered them the house.
178
00:08:29,306 --> 00:08:32,066
Oh, uh, sure. No problem.
179
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:34,067
Hey, McButt the Crime Dog,
180
00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:36,523
I heard you and your little chew toy
getting it on last night.
181
00:08:36,547 --> 00:08:37,547
Keep it down.
182
00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:38,587
Sorry, little man.
183
00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:40,027
Ricardo and I were playing Clue,
184
00:08:40,107 --> 00:08:42,467
and he got me in the bedroom
with a lead pipe.
185
00:08:42,547 --> 00:08:44,188
Peter, I'm not sure I'm comfortable
186
00:08:44,268 --> 00:08:45,828
having this wedding at the house.
187
00:08:45,948 --> 00:08:48,348
Lois, I don't know what the big deal is.
So they're gay.
188
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:51,828
It's not like we're gonna have
a gay sex orgy in the living room.
189
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,229
That's not what I'm talking about.
190
00:08:56,349 --> 00:08:58,069
I've got nothing against homosexuals.
191
00:08:58,149 --> 00:09:00,469
I mean, I'll watch anything
with David Schwimmer.
192
00:09:00,549 --> 00:09:03,869
But the idea of two men
actually getting married,
193
00:09:03,949 --> 00:09:05,469
it just doesn't seem right.
194
00:09:05,549 --> 00:09:06,990
Hey, I say who cares, you know?
195
00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:09,446
If gays wanna get married
and be miserable like the rest of us,
196
00:09:09,470 --> 00:09:10,470
I say we should let them.
197
00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:11,990
Oh, no!
198
00:09:12,110 --> 00:09:13,350
- What's wrong?
- Look.
199
00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,990
Some breaking news today
when Mayor West announced he will sign
200
00:09:16,070 --> 00:09:18,511
a citywide ban
on gay marriages next week.
201
00:09:18,631 --> 00:09:20,127
While controversial, it has nonetheless
202
00:09:20,151 --> 00:09:22,911
effectively distracted all of us
from the Dig 'Em fiasco.
203
00:09:22,991 --> 00:09:25,071
- The what?
- I don't know. Something about a lizard.
204
00:09:25,111 --> 00:09:26,391
And now this.
205
00:09:26,471 --> 00:09:27,471
Look at that.
206
00:09:27,551 --> 00:09:29,952
In the '30s, they called this
an Uncle Spinny Dervish.
207
00:09:30,032 --> 00:09:31,632
- Really?
- I don't know. I'm just bored.
208
00:09:31,752 --> 00:09:34,352
A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God!
209
00:09:36,672 --> 00:09:37,952
Matthew McConaughey?
210
00:09:38,032 --> 00:09:39,753
Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie.
211
00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:42,529
Chris, grab his legs. I
gotta bury this thing.
212
00:09:42,553 --> 00:09:44,393
- But I...
- Grab his legs!
213
00:09:50,754 --> 00:09:52,994
I can't believe the wedding's off.
214
00:09:53,074 --> 00:09:54,634
All I ever wanted was to get married
215
00:09:54,754 --> 00:09:57,074
and make a home
with a skinny, hairless Filipino boy.
216
00:09:57,194 --> 00:09:58,554
Isn't that the American dream?
217
00:09:58,634 --> 00:09:59,994
Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper.
218
00:10:00,074 --> 00:10:01,715
Mayor West only banned gay marriage
219
00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,715
so he could distract
from the Dig 'Em scandal.
220
00:10:03,835 --> 00:10:05,115
He won't get away with it.
221
00:10:05,195 --> 00:10:07,235
Oh, Jasper, where'd you get
these brownies?
222
00:10:07,355 --> 00:10:09,795
They're from a bakery
in the West Quahog gay district.
223
00:10:09,915 --> 00:10:11,755
I thought they'd help my depression.
224
00:10:11,835 --> 00:10:15,996
Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God,
they pack so much fudge into these.
225
00:10:16,076 --> 00:10:18,596
And look at this. There's even
a couple of nuts lodged in there.
226
00:10:18,636 --> 00:10:19,876
I'm going upstairs.
227
00:10:19,956 --> 00:10:21,276
Oh, I've got to do something.
228
00:10:21,356 --> 00:10:23,677
Jasper's always
been there for me when I've needed him.
229
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,997
I am gonna make Mayor West
change his mind.
230
00:10:26,117 --> 00:10:29,637
But, Brian, the Bible says
gay marriage is an abomination.
231
00:10:29,717 --> 00:10:31,733
Oh, don't give me
that Young Republican crap, Chris.
232
00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:34,117
The Bible also says
a senior citizen built an ark
233
00:10:34,237 --> 00:10:36,238
and rounded up two of every animal.
234
00:10:38,398 --> 00:10:39,918
- Hey.
- Yeah?
235
00:10:40,038 --> 00:10:41,518
What the hell is this?
236
00:10:41,958 --> 00:10:45,118
Oh, you didn't really give
any specific guidelines about mating.
237
00:10:45,198 --> 00:10:46,359
- Did you name it?
- What?
238
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,479
Did you name it?
239
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:48,879
Uh, yeah, he's Paul.
240
00:10:48,999 --> 00:10:51,095
Yeah? Well, it's gonna be
a hell of a lot harder for you now,
241
00:10:51,119 --> 00:10:53,239
because he's going the fuck overboard.
242
00:10:54,759 --> 00:10:55,759
Hi, Glenn.
243
00:10:55,799 --> 00:10:57,496
Uh, hey, will you sign
a petition to overturn
244
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,080
Mayor West's ban on gay marriage?
245
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,720
Gay marriage? Oh, come on,
246
00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,496
two halves can't make a whole
without a hole.
247
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,800
Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity.
248
00:11:09,401 --> 00:11:11,601
You get off my property, you pervert.
249
00:11:11,961 --> 00:11:14,641
Uh, Mr. Bottomtooth,
would you like to sign the petition?
250
00:11:17,561 --> 00:11:20,482
Uh, I don't... What's the problem?
251
00:11:24,442 --> 00:11:25,962
Ah! Okay. Thank you.
252
00:11:42,564 --> 00:11:43,684
Chris, did you hear?
253
00:11:43,764 --> 00:11:46,964
Some dog is going around town
trying to get support for gay marriage.
254
00:11:47,084 --> 00:11:49,124
Oh, that's Brian. He's got a petition.
255
00:11:49,204 --> 00:11:50,204
Really?
256
00:11:50,324 --> 00:11:52,085
Chris, you've got to destroy that petition.
257
00:11:52,205 --> 00:11:53,205
Why?
258
00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:55,725
Because if you do,
I'll let you touch my boobs.
259
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:58,605
Is that good? Do I want that?
260
00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:00,205
Oh, yeah, you want that.
261
00:12:00,325 --> 00:12:01,885
Well, fantastic then.
262
00:12:04,046 --> 00:12:05,686
How can I help you, Mrs. Griffin?
263
00:12:05,806 --> 00:12:07,886
Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis.
264
00:12:07,966 --> 00:12:09,646
I'm a very open-minded person,
265
00:12:09,726 --> 00:12:12,206
and I've never
had any problem with gays before,
266
00:12:12,286 --> 00:12:15,807
but something about
two gay people getting married,
267
00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:17,367
I just don't think it's right.
268
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,007
Well, these questions are too big
269
00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:20,567
to be decided by human beings.
270
00:12:20,687 --> 00:12:22,927
Which is why God made this film.
271
00:12:27,528 --> 00:12:30,608
You know, there's been
a lot of talk lately about homosexuals,
272
00:12:30,728 --> 00:12:32,568
but how do you know what to believe?
273
00:12:32,688 --> 00:12:36,689
Well, here are a few tips that
may help you tell when you've got a gay.
274
00:12:37,009 --> 00:12:39,249
So, uh, what's your favorite
Madonna album?
275
00:12:39,369 --> 00:12:40,529
I like her early work.
276
00:12:40,609 --> 00:12:43,569
If his answer is anything but
' "I've never bought one, '"
277
00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:45,489
you've got a gay.
278
00:12:45,729 --> 00:12:48,210
Let's take a blood sample, Mr. Braga.
279
00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:52,050
If instead of human blood,
you find a deadly corrosive acid,
280
00:12:52,130 --> 00:12:53,970
you've got a gay.
281
00:13:01,331 --> 00:13:03,571
Not this time, nancy-boy.
282
00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:07,691
Well, that was interesting.
283
00:13:07,771 --> 00:13:10,212
I also have My Giant with Billy Crystal.
284
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,772
Oh, God, no, no.
285
00:13:15,132 --> 00:13:16,972
Well, we almost have enough signatures,
286
00:13:17,052 --> 00:13:18,652
thanks to Quahog's gay district.
287
00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:21,533
Lois, how'd you like to be
signature number 10,000?
288
00:13:21,613 --> 00:13:23,933
- Brian, I can't sign this.
- Why not?
289
00:13:24,013 --> 00:13:26,813
Well, because I don't believe
in gay marriage.
290
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:29,093
You don't believe...
Lois, that's ridiculous.
291
00:13:29,213 --> 00:13:30,870
Gay people have every right
to get married.
292
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,054
Well, they certainly
have every right to be together,
293
00:13:33,174 --> 00:13:35,374
but marriage should be
between a man and a woman.
294
00:13:35,454 --> 00:13:37,654
Well, that's not how they
do it in West Quahog.
295
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,614
By the way, Lois,
I got a piercing over there.
296
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,854
I'm not gonna tell you where,
but I'll give you a hint.
297
00:13:41,895 --> 00:13:44,615
It wasn't my nose or my ear
and it was one of my balls.
298
00:13:44,735 --> 00:13:46,135
Well, regardless of what you think,
299
00:13:46,175 --> 00:13:47,815
this is going to change
Mayor West's mind,
300
00:13:47,855 --> 00:13:49,615
and we are gonna have
Jasper's wedding here.
301
00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:52,615
Fine. Then until this is all over,
I'll stay somewhere else.
302
00:13:52,735 --> 00:13:54,832
Come on, Stewie, we're going
to Grandma and Grandpa's.
303
00:13:54,856 --> 00:13:57,336
Fine, I'll go,
but I'm not missing that gay wedding.
304
00:13:57,456 --> 00:13:58,696
I still kick myself for missing
305
00:13:58,816 --> 00:14:00,056
that topless cheerleader parade
306
00:14:00,096 --> 00:14:01,736
with the 100-foot chocolate teddy bear
307
00:14:01,856 --> 00:14:03,416
and the F-16s doing aerial acrobatics,
308
00:14:03,536 --> 00:14:05,297
choreographed to the music of Queen.
309
00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:06,977
Oh, I remember that day.
310
00:14:08,177 --> 00:14:10,377
Huh. Should have gone to that thing.
311
00:14:15,778 --> 00:14:17,938
My petition! What the hell are you doing?
312
00:14:18,018 --> 00:14:20,618
I'm going to get to touch
right-wing boob because of this.
313
00:14:20,738 --> 00:14:23,418
You idiot! Now I'm going to have
to get 10,000 more signatures
314
00:14:23,498 --> 00:14:25,538
before tomorrow morning.
What were you thinking?
315
00:14:25,658 --> 00:14:27,339
You don't understand, Brian.
316
00:14:27,459 --> 00:14:29,819
When was the last time
you were even with a woman?
317
00:14:29,939 --> 00:14:32,779
- Uh, when did the Challenger blow up?
- '86.
318
00:14:32,899 --> 00:14:35,219
Yeah, it was like three years before that.
319
00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:40,100
Mayor West, here's the gay marriage ban
for your approval.
320
00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:42,060
Excellent. This is so important,
321
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,020
I'm going to sign it with
all capital letters.
322
00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:47,420
It's going to say, "ADAM WEST."
323
00:14:47,580 --> 00:14:49,501
That's what it's going to say, you'll see.
324
00:14:49,581 --> 00:14:51,261
Hey, buddy, you can't go in there.
325
00:14:52,541 --> 00:14:54,021
Mayor West, you have to look at this.
326
00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,461
Ten thousand signatures.
327
00:14:55,541 --> 00:14:56,821
I've been up for 24 hours,
328
00:14:56,901 --> 00:14:57,981
I paid off a few people
329
00:14:58,061 --> 00:15:00,942
and I did a few things
in West Quahog I'm not proud of.
330
00:15:06,182 --> 00:15:09,182
So, it's a show
about three hookers and their mom?
331
00:15:09,262 --> 00:15:12,383
This is very impressive,
but my decision stands.
332
00:15:13,063 --> 00:15:14,063
No!
333
00:15:14,143 --> 00:15:15,623
Come on, buddy, you're leaving.
334
00:15:15,743 --> 00:15:17,903
No, I can't let Jasper down.
335
00:15:19,303 --> 00:15:20,703
I'm not going to let you sign that.
336
00:15:20,743 --> 00:15:22,264
Go on, get out of here.
337
00:15:24,264 --> 00:15:27,224
I should warn you,
I have a tiny bullet-proof shield,
338
00:15:27,304 --> 00:15:31,024
the exact size of a bullet,
somewhere on my body.
339
00:15:31,144 --> 00:15:35,345
And if you hit it, I'll be unharmed,
and your plan will be foiled.
340
00:15:35,465 --> 00:15:37,945
You'll be the laughingstock of me.
341
00:15:38,025 --> 00:15:39,665
I don't want to shoot you, Mayor West.
342
00:15:39,785 --> 00:15:41,665
Good, because I'm incredibly crafty.
343
00:15:41,785 --> 00:15:43,746
Hey, what's that on the ceiling?
344
00:15:44,906 --> 00:15:46,226
Now I'm over here.
345
00:15:51,906 --> 00:15:54,026
Look, this has gotten out of hand, I know.
346
00:15:54,146 --> 00:15:55,667
I don't want anyone to get hurt.
347
00:15:55,787 --> 00:15:57,363
But you can put an end to this right now
348
00:15:57,387 --> 00:15:59,147
by tearing up that gay marriage ban.
349
00:15:59,267 --> 00:16:00,387
You won't break me.
350
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:02,907
15 years ago
I swallowed everything I needed
351
00:16:02,987 --> 00:16:05,107
to escape from a hostage situation.
352
00:16:12,148 --> 00:16:13,188
A wall!
353
00:16:13,268 --> 00:16:14,268
Well, no matter.
354
00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:17,189
I'm prepared
for a lengthy captivity as well.
355
00:16:19,869 --> 00:16:23,069
I swallowed this People magazine in 1989.
356
00:16:23,469 --> 00:16:27,670
All right, Paul Hogan,
tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee.
357
00:16:30,510 --> 00:16:32,910
It's so nice to have you home, dear.
358
00:16:32,990 --> 00:16:34,110
I can take it or leave it.
359
00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:36,470
God, this is such
an old-people house, you know.
360
00:16:36,590 --> 00:16:37,606
I mean, look at this candy jar.
361
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:38,991
Let's, uh, take a look in here.
362
00:16:39,111 --> 00:16:40,991
Let's see what you got here. You got...
363
00:16:41,071 --> 00:16:43,591
You got licorice. Oh, that's, uh, that's...
364
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:45,231
Oh, Freedent. Oh, that's good.
365
00:16:45,351 --> 00:16:47,191
Yeah, I got a sweet tooth,
366
00:16:47,311 --> 00:16:49,191
I think I'll have some Freedent.
367
00:16:49,271 --> 00:16:50,872
What's this? A cough drop.
368
00:16:50,992 --> 00:16:52,272
A Luden's cough drop.
369
00:16:52,392 --> 00:16:55,912
Is that candy? No, I don't think
that's candy. I think it's a cough drop!
370
00:16:56,032 --> 00:16:58,112
What else we got? Look. Look at this.
371
00:16:58,192 --> 00:16:59,912
There's a fishing lure in here.
372
00:17:00,032 --> 00:17:02,673
There's a fishing lure in the candy jar.
373
00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:05,513
What?
Am I supposed to eat this?
374
00:17:05,753 --> 00:17:08,473
Eat a fishing lure?
Hey, look, Brian's on TV.
375
00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:10,793
And now,
some Channel five exclusive footage
376
00:17:10,913 --> 00:17:12,394
of the crazed homosexual gunman
377
00:17:12,474 --> 00:17:13,994
who's taken Mayor West hostage.
378
00:17:14,114 --> 00:17:15,194
Oh, my God!
379
00:17:15,314 --> 00:17:16,914
Brian's taken the Mayor hostage?
380
00:17:17,034 --> 00:17:18,874
Is this an eyeglass lens?
381
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:21,714
I didn't realize
how strongly he feels about this.
382
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:22,955
Gay marriage.
383
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,571
Next thing you know, they'll want to vote.
384
00:17:24,595 --> 00:17:25,595
Oh, oh, look at this.
385
00:17:25,715 --> 00:17:28,715
A spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco.
386
00:17:28,835 --> 00:17:30,475
They don't even make this anymore.
387
00:17:30,595 --> 00:17:32,635
They don't even make this car anymore.
388
00:17:32,755 --> 00:17:34,716
Whose key could this possibly be?
389
00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:36,116
What if Brian's right?
390
00:17:36,236 --> 00:17:39,596
I mean, certainly the love between a man
and a woman should be sacred, but...
391
00:17:39,716 --> 00:17:41,876
Who's talking about love?
We're talking about marriage.
392
00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:43,356
Well, don't you love Mom?
393
00:17:43,476 --> 00:17:44,717
Come on, Lois, look at her.
394
00:17:44,837 --> 00:17:46,757
So two straight people
who hate each other
395
00:17:46,837 --> 00:17:48,317
have more of a right to be together
396
00:17:48,437 --> 00:17:50,037
than two gay people who love each other?
397
00:17:50,077 --> 00:17:52,117
That's what we raised you to believe.
398
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,877
Oh, my God! I've made a terrible mistake!
399
00:17:55,037 --> 00:17:57,438
I've been brainwashed,
like Elizabeth Smart.
400
00:17:57,638 --> 00:17:59,718
It's so wonderful having her home again.
401
00:17:59,798 --> 00:18:01,558
She's brought music back into the house.
402
00:18:01,678 --> 00:18:03,358
Playing songs on the harp.
403
00:18:03,478 --> 00:18:06,518
Of course most of them
are about rape, but it's still nice.
404
00:18:07,479 --> 00:18:09,439
I think I made Brian crazy.
405
00:18:09,559 --> 00:18:11,319
Maybe I shouldn't have burned
that petition.
406
00:18:11,439 --> 00:18:13,439
No, Chris, you did the right thing.
407
00:18:13,559 --> 00:18:16,239
It's only a matter of time
before Mayor West signs that bill,
408
00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:18,000
and you'll get to touch these.
409
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,960
Oh, boy, I got a feeling that
before the end of the day,
410
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,800
I'm going to be burying my dog.
411
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,760
Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch
my boobs. Let's start with that.
412
00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,600
Look, Peter, if you can't get Brian
to come out peacefully,
413
00:18:28,721 --> 00:18:30,057
we're going to have to take him down.
414
00:18:30,081 --> 00:18:32,241
Don't worry, Joe,
I'm good with tight situations.
415
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,601
Like when I saved Luke Skywalker's life.
416
00:18:35,001 --> 00:18:37,041
Okay, Luke, this will keep you warm
417
00:18:37,161 --> 00:18:39,041
until I get the shelter built.
418
00:18:42,242 --> 00:18:43,442
You're sure this is okay?
419
00:18:43,562 --> 00:18:45,058
Yeah, you're just cutting into the fat.
420
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,122
All right, Brian, Peter's coming in.
421
00:18:48,042 --> 00:18:50,522
I'll relax him by using my catchphrase.
422
00:18:51,603 --> 00:18:53,963
Hey, what's up with you?
423
00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:58,523
- What the hell was that?
- My catchphrase.
424
00:18:58,643 --> 00:18:59,779
You don't have a catchphrase.
425
00:18:59,803 --> 00:19:02,204
Why you gotta say like that?
426
00:19:03,884 --> 00:19:05,244
Excuse me.
427
00:19:06,724 --> 00:19:08,604
Would anyone like to play Stratego?
428
00:19:08,684 --> 00:19:10,044
I have Stratego.
429
00:19:10,124 --> 00:19:11,780
Oh, Peter, I never meant
for this to happen.
430
00:19:11,804 --> 00:19:15,245
This whole situation
has totally spiraled out of control.
431
00:19:15,325 --> 00:19:18,085
Brian, listen to me. I was wrong.
432
00:19:18,205 --> 00:19:21,885
If two people love each other,
they should have the right to get married.
433
00:19:22,005 --> 00:19:24,366
But you have to come down
and give yourself up.
434
00:19:24,446 --> 00:19:26,006
If you drag this out any longer,
435
00:19:26,086 --> 00:19:28,086
you're only hurting your own cause.
436
00:19:29,726 --> 00:19:32,206
She's right. I'm sorry, Mayor West.
437
00:19:32,286 --> 00:19:34,927
Well, you were only doing
what you thought was right, Brian.
438
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,967
And, hey, you've distracted everyone
from the Dig 'Em statue,
439
00:19:38,047 --> 00:19:40,887
so I guess we don't need this bill anymore.
440
00:19:44,447 --> 00:19:46,808
Everybody happy!
441
00:19:55,488 --> 00:19:58,849
Well, it sure was nice of Mayor West
to drop the kidnapping charges.
442
00:19:58,969 --> 00:20:00,769
It's amazing. All he asked for in return
443
00:20:00,889 --> 00:20:02,689
was the key to a Volkswagen Scirocco.
444
00:20:02,809 --> 00:20:03,929
You're welcome.
445
00:20:04,009 --> 00:20:05,129
Listen, Lois,
446
00:20:05,249 --> 00:20:07,369
I really appreciate
you putting your discomfort aside,
447
00:20:07,489 --> 00:20:08,849
so we could have the wedding here.
448
00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:10,810
Oh, please, I'm over all that now.
449
00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:13,370
Two men getting married
doesn't bother me in the least.
450
00:20:13,490 --> 00:20:14,850
They deserve happiness.
451
00:20:14,970 --> 00:20:17,210
Everybody gay!