1 00:00:32,983 --> 00:00:35,543 Oh, Brian, we're so thrilled your gay cousin, Jasper, 2 00:00:35,663 --> 00:00:37,223 finally decided to come visit. 3 00:00:37,303 --> 00:00:38,744 Me, too. It's been way too long. 4 00:00:38,864 --> 00:00:39,920 Anyway, thanks for putting him up. 5 00:00:39,944 --> 00:00:40,984 No problem, Brian. 6 00:00:41,104 --> 00:00:42,160 It's great to have visitors. 7 00:00:42,184 --> 00:00:44,144 Except for that time Moby-Dick stayed with us. 8 00:00:44,224 --> 00:00:46,144 Do you have any Raisin Bran? 9 00:00:46,264 --> 00:00:48,384 Uh, oh, no, sorry. 10 00:00:49,705 --> 00:00:51,625 Well, can you go get me some? 11 00:00:51,865 --> 00:00:54,105 Uh, boy, that's kind of a pain in the... 12 00:00:54,185 --> 00:00:55,545 We do have... 13 00:00:55,625 --> 00:00:57,225 We got Total, and we got some raisins. 14 00:00:57,305 --> 00:00:59,145 I mean, you could, like, mix those together. 15 00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:00,642 I mean, it would be kind of like Raisin Bran. 16 00:01:00,666 --> 00:01:01,746 Mmm, yeah, but it's not. 17 00:01:01,826 --> 00:01:04,066 It would be like Raisin Bran, but it's not Raisin Bran. 18 00:01:04,186 --> 00:01:05,482 That would be like Total with raisins in it. 19 00:01:05,506 --> 00:01:06,762 That's just splitting hairs here. 20 00:01:06,786 --> 00:01:08,666 It's not really doing it for me. 21 00:01:09,186 --> 00:01:11,346 What time did you say your flight was? 22 00:01:14,347 --> 00:01:17,227 Oh, no locks. Thank you, Homeland Security. 23 00:01:18,747 --> 00:01:21,227 Hey, bud, take a break. I'll take over. Go smoke a fatty. 24 00:01:21,307 --> 00:01:22,507 Thanks. 25 00:01:23,228 --> 00:01:25,268 This is Sierra Tango 817, 26 00:01:25,348 --> 00:01:26,644 Matthew McConaughey's private jet, 27 00:01:26,668 --> 00:01:27,868 requesting permission to land. 28 00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,108 Matthew McConaughey? 29 00:01:29,228 --> 00:01:30,988 Oh, sorry, Sierra Tango 817. 30 00:01:31,068 --> 00:01:32,148 All our runways are filled. 31 00:01:32,188 --> 00:01:34,909 But it looks empty from up here. We're almost out of fuel. 32 00:01:35,029 --> 00:01:36,149 No, no. No room at all. 33 00:01:36,269 --> 00:01:38,069 But, lucky for you, there's a big, new airport 34 00:01:38,109 --> 00:01:39,349 out in the middle of the ocean. 35 00:01:39,389 --> 00:01:40,485 Keep going. You can't miss it. 36 00:01:40,509 --> 00:01:41,589 Roger that. 37 00:01:42,989 --> 00:01:44,669 Oops. Well, look at it this way. 38 00:01:44,790 --> 00:01:47,190 I just got you on next year's Oscar telecast. 39 00:01:47,310 --> 00:01:49,590 You'll be right after Ron Howard! 40 00:01:49,670 --> 00:01:50,830 Just messing with you, Ron. 41 00:01:50,910 --> 00:01:52,430 Or maybe not! 42 00:01:52,510 --> 00:01:53,710 No, seriously, I am. 43 00:01:53,790 --> 00:01:54,790 Or am I? 44 00:01:54,870 --> 00:01:56,031 No. 45 00:01:56,431 --> 00:01:57,711 Oh, there's Jasper's plane. 46 00:01:57,791 --> 00:01:59,111 - Where? - Third one in line. 47 00:01:59,231 --> 00:02:01,471 Oh, it's one of them new niche airlines. 48 00:02:07,112 --> 00:02:08,552 Hey, Cousin! 49 00:02:08,672 --> 00:02:10,192 Hey, Jasper! 50 00:02:10,272 --> 00:02:13,552 Everybody, this is Ricardo, from the Philippines and my kitchen floor. 51 00:02:13,632 --> 00:02:14,712 How was your flight? 52 00:02:14,792 --> 00:02:17,032 Oh, torture! Five hours on my moneymaker, 53 00:02:17,152 --> 00:02:19,793 sitting across from a gaggle of sailors flying home on leave. 54 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,433 Here I am in a committed relationship, 55 00:02:21,513 --> 00:02:23,689 and all I can think about is having a piece of Navy cake. 56 00:02:23,713 --> 00:02:26,193 "Hello. Who's that on the phone?" "Temptation!" 57 00:02:26,273 --> 00:02:28,113 How does he always get my number? I don't know. 58 00:02:28,153 --> 00:02:31,514 Anyway, I got big news, and I'll tell you over dinner. Greek. On me. 59 00:02:31,594 --> 00:02:32,914 But enough about last weekend. 60 00:02:32,994 --> 00:02:34,274 I'm terrible! 61 00:02:34,394 --> 00:02:36,594 This idiot will fit in with our family 62 00:02:36,674 --> 00:02:38,794 as badly as Peter fit in with The Proclaimers. 63 00:02:57,916 --> 00:02:59,516 I'm singing! I'm singing! 64 00:03:03,877 --> 00:03:06,197 Hey, Chris, this field trip is your chance, man. 65 00:03:06,277 --> 00:03:07,997 Alyssa is all alone. 66 00:03:09,717 --> 00:03:13,118 She's so pretty that if your Hacky Sack were my private parts, 67 00:03:13,238 --> 00:03:15,078 I'd let her do that to them. 68 00:03:15,158 --> 00:03:16,918 What? Kick them around? 69 00:03:16,998 --> 00:03:19,838 Um, wait. Yes. 70 00:03:20,198 --> 00:03:22,438 Welcome, citizens. Today we commemorate 71 00:03:22,518 --> 00:03:26,759 those brave Quahog soldiers who perished in the recent Gulf conflict. 72 00:03:26,879 --> 00:03:29,639 I can think of no greater tribute to their memories 73 00:03:29,719 --> 00:03:31,599 than this solid gold statue 74 00:03:31,719 --> 00:03:34,999 of Dig 'Em, the Sugar Smacks frog. 75 00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:36,320 What is that? 76 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:40,680 The spirit of America is epitomized by his inspiring motto, 77 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,080 '"Smack, smack, Sugar Smack. 78 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,760 '"Give me a smack, and I'll smack you back. '" 79 00:03:46,961 --> 00:03:48,721 I'd also like to take this opportunity 80 00:03:48,841 --> 00:03:50,561 to announce extreme budget cutbacks 81 00:03:50,641 --> 00:03:54,001 having almost nothing to do with this solid gold statue. 82 00:03:55,841 --> 00:03:58,602 Have you ever seen such a waste of the taxpayers' money? 83 00:03:58,682 --> 00:04:00,042 You're talking to me! 84 00:04:00,122 --> 00:04:01,722 This is more exciting than that time 85 00:04:01,802 --> 00:04:03,402 me and my friends did mushrooms. 86 00:04:03,522 --> 00:04:05,282 This is gonna be awesome! 87 00:04:05,362 --> 00:04:06,562 You said it. 88 00:04:08,163 --> 00:04:09,963 Man, you guys feel anything yet? 89 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,483 I feel kind of funny. 90 00:04:11,563 --> 00:04:12,883 I got a bellyache. 91 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:14,563 We shouldn't have did this, man. 92 00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:20,844 Lois, darling, those earrings are delicious. Total kitsch. 93 00:04:20,924 --> 00:04:22,484 Like an Andy Warhol wet dream. 94 00:04:22,604 --> 00:04:25,324 I'm opening a museum and putting you in it, they're that fabulous. 95 00:04:25,444 --> 00:04:27,364 You think it's clever talking like that, do you? 96 00:04:27,444 --> 00:04:28,484 You think it's funny? 97 00:04:28,604 --> 00:04:30,485 Talking about earrings, and using words 98 00:04:30,605 --> 00:04:32,725 like "fabulous" and "delicious" and "wet." 99 00:04:32,845 --> 00:04:34,085 What's next? A workout 100 00:04:34,205 --> 00:04:36,765 followed by a romp around a crowded room while the music goes... 101 00:04:41,646 --> 00:04:42,966 Oh, why did you stop? 102 00:04:43,086 --> 00:04:44,422 Hey, Jasper, let me ask you something. 103 00:04:44,446 --> 00:04:46,246 When you're in the shower at the "Y," 104 00:04:46,326 --> 00:04:48,646 is that just like Supermarket Sweep for you guys, 105 00:04:48,726 --> 00:04:49,982 or is there some kind of etiquette? 106 00:04:50,006 --> 00:04:51,446 Peter, stop it. 107 00:04:51,566 --> 00:04:53,407 God! You're more clueless than Popeye. 108 00:04:53,487 --> 00:04:56,167 Sir, I think you should know these growths on your forearms, 109 00:04:56,247 --> 00:04:57,447 they're giant tumors. 110 00:04:58,607 --> 00:04:59,607 Oh, dear. 111 00:04:59,727 --> 00:05:01,303 Yeah, I'm surprised you haven't realized 112 00:05:01,327 --> 00:05:03,368 this is not how a human being is supposed to look. 113 00:05:05,768 --> 00:05:08,408 And the speech thing, and what you're doing with your eye... 114 00:05:08,528 --> 00:05:10,888 Uh, you had a stroke about seven years ago. 115 00:05:12,408 --> 00:05:14,889 That you've managed to be walking around all this time 116 00:05:14,969 --> 00:05:16,769 is nothing short of a miracle. 117 00:05:17,769 --> 00:05:19,169 I'd say about two months. 118 00:05:19,249 --> 00:05:21,369 Okay, all right, time for the big announcement. 119 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,769 Everyone, Ricardo and I are getting married! 120 00:05:24,889 --> 00:05:26,370 Oh, that is terrific! 121 00:05:26,450 --> 00:05:27,930 It's about time you two settled down. 122 00:05:27,970 --> 00:05:28,970 Oh, you hear that, Meg? 123 00:05:29,050 --> 00:05:30,610 Guys can marry other guys now. 124 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:33,210 So... This is awkward, but, uh, 125 00:05:33,330 --> 00:05:36,611 I mean, if they can do that, that's pretty much it for you, isn't it? 126 00:05:36,691 --> 00:05:39,291 I mean, you might as well pack it in. Game over. 127 00:05:42,291 --> 00:05:43,531 Alyssa, hi. 128 00:05:43,771 --> 00:05:47,692 I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something sometime? 129 00:05:47,772 --> 00:05:48,772 Sure, Chris. 130 00:05:48,812 --> 00:05:51,412 I have a Young Republicans meeting after school. You wanna come? 131 00:05:51,532 --> 00:05:54,692 Oh, sure. What do you do at a Young Republicans meeting? 132 00:05:54,772 --> 00:05:57,412 We help those who already have the means to help themselves. 133 00:05:57,492 --> 00:05:59,373 Also, we perpetuate the ideal 134 00:05:59,453 --> 00:06:02,493 that Jesus chose America to destroy nonbelievers and brown people. 135 00:06:02,613 --> 00:06:05,893 I don't understand what you're saying, but somehow I feel safer. 136 00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:11,574 Karl, this is Chris. 137 00:06:11,694 --> 00:06:12,774 He wants to join our club. 138 00:06:12,854 --> 00:06:14,094 Karl is our chancellor. 139 00:06:14,214 --> 00:06:15,894 Well, Chris, we'd be happy to have you. 140 00:06:16,014 --> 00:06:18,334 There's just one little rite of initiation. 141 00:06:37,296 --> 00:06:39,416 Liberal chubby chaser! 142 00:06:40,656 --> 00:06:42,296 Well, if you can't laugh at yourself... 143 00:06:46,937 --> 00:06:49,337 I'm here at the parking lot outside city hall, 144 00:06:49,457 --> 00:06:51,353 where hundreds of citizens have come out in protest 145 00:06:51,377 --> 00:06:54,378 of the Mayor's decision to spend the town's treasury on a gold frog. 146 00:06:54,458 --> 00:06:55,858 I don't like it. 147 00:06:55,938 --> 00:06:59,098 And I don't like the contraction apostrophe-E-M. 148 00:06:59,218 --> 00:07:02,418 As far as I'm concerned, his name is Dig Them. 149 00:07:02,498 --> 00:07:04,578 You're not welcome here, Dig Them. 150 00:07:04,699 --> 00:07:06,339 I stand behind my decision. 151 00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,259 This press conference is over. 152 00:07:08,379 --> 00:07:11,059 I can't see you now. I can't hear you now. You're not here now. 153 00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:16,580 Well, there you have it. Back to you, Tom. 154 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,660 Thanks, Tom. Some damn fine reporting. 155 00:07:21,780 --> 00:07:23,100 Damn fine. Diane? 156 00:07:23,420 --> 00:07:25,060 Well, it's encouraging to know 157 00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:28,341 that I'm not the only Mayor West who's facing difficulties. 158 00:07:28,461 --> 00:07:30,741 But what I need now is a diversion. 159 00:07:30,821 --> 00:07:31,941 Let's see. 160 00:07:38,262 --> 00:07:40,302 Mmm. "Jingle keys." 161 00:07:45,502 --> 00:07:48,022 My God! I'm a tomato! 162 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,983 And now back to The Sound of Music. 163 00:08:00,384 --> 00:08:01,624 Oh, thank heaven. 164 00:08:01,744 --> 00:08:03,224 The von Trapp family escaped! 165 00:08:03,304 --> 00:08:05,184 Reverend Mother, I have sinned. 166 00:08:05,304 --> 00:08:07,224 What is this sin, my child? 167 00:08:08,464 --> 00:08:09,864 Oh, well. No harm done. 168 00:08:09,984 --> 00:08:11,585 I too have sinned, Mother. 169 00:08:11,745 --> 00:08:13,185 Oh, my God! 170 00:08:13,265 --> 00:08:14,265 That's Rolfe! 171 00:08:14,305 --> 00:08:15,745 What the hell is wrong with you? 172 00:08:15,865 --> 00:08:18,145 Hey, I didn't start this war, but it's on! 173 00:08:19,385 --> 00:08:20,825 Oh, Lois, there you are. 174 00:08:20,905 --> 00:08:22,586 Listen, Ricardo and I wanna thank you 175 00:08:22,666 --> 00:08:24,266 for letting us have the wedding here. 176 00:08:24,386 --> 00:08:26,906 Oh! You're having the wedding here? 177 00:08:27,026 --> 00:08:29,266 Yeah. I hope that's okay, Lois. I offered them the house. 178 00:08:29,306 --> 00:08:32,066 Oh, uh, sure. No problem. 179 00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:34,067 Hey, McButt the Crime Dog, 180 00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:36,523 I heard you and your little chew toy getting it on last night. 181 00:08:36,547 --> 00:08:37,547 Keep it down. 182 00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:38,587 Sorry, little man. 183 00:08:38,667 --> 00:08:40,027 Ricardo and I were playing Clue, 184 00:08:40,107 --> 00:08:42,467 and he got me in the bedroom with a lead pipe. 185 00:08:42,547 --> 00:08:44,188 Peter, I'm not sure I'm comfortable 186 00:08:44,268 --> 00:08:45,828 having this wedding at the house. 187 00:08:45,948 --> 00:08:48,348 Lois, I don't know what the big deal is. So they're gay. 188 00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:51,828 It's not like we're gonna have a gay sex orgy in the living room. 189 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:56,229 That's not what I'm talking about. 190 00:08:56,349 --> 00:08:58,069 I've got nothing against homosexuals. 191 00:08:58,149 --> 00:09:00,469 I mean, I'll watch anything with David Schwimmer. 192 00:09:00,549 --> 00:09:03,869 But the idea of two men actually getting married, 193 00:09:03,949 --> 00:09:05,469 it just doesn't seem right. 194 00:09:05,549 --> 00:09:06,990 Hey, I say who cares, you know? 195 00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:09,446 If gays wanna get married and be miserable like the rest of us, 196 00:09:09,470 --> 00:09:10,470 I say we should let them. 197 00:09:10,590 --> 00:09:11,990 Oh, no! 198 00:09:12,110 --> 00:09:13,350 - What's wrong? - Look. 199 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,990 Some breaking news today when Mayor West announced he will sign 200 00:09:16,070 --> 00:09:18,511 a citywide ban on gay marriages next week. 201 00:09:18,631 --> 00:09:20,127 While controversial, it has nonetheless 202 00:09:20,151 --> 00:09:22,911 effectively distracted all of us from the Dig 'Em fiasco. 203 00:09:22,991 --> 00:09:25,071 - The what? - I don't know. Something about a lizard. 204 00:09:25,111 --> 00:09:26,391 And now this. 205 00:09:26,471 --> 00:09:27,471 Look at that. 206 00:09:27,551 --> 00:09:29,952 In the '30s, they called this an Uncle Spinny Dervish. 207 00:09:30,032 --> 00:09:31,632 - Really? - I don't know. I'm just bored. 208 00:09:31,752 --> 00:09:34,352 A ban on gay marriage? Oh, my God! 209 00:09:36,672 --> 00:09:37,952 Matthew McConaughey? 210 00:09:38,032 --> 00:09:39,753 Yeah, I'm looking for a guy named Stewie. 211 00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:42,529 Chris, grab his legs. I gotta bury this thing. 212 00:09:42,553 --> 00:09:44,393 - But I... - Grab his legs! 213 00:09:50,754 --> 00:09:52,994 I can't believe the wedding's off. 214 00:09:53,074 --> 00:09:54,634 All I ever wanted was to get married 215 00:09:54,754 --> 00:09:57,074 and make a home with a skinny, hairless Filipino boy. 216 00:09:57,194 --> 00:09:58,554 Isn't that the American dream? 217 00:09:58,634 --> 00:09:59,994 Oh, don't give up yet, Jasper. 218 00:10:00,074 --> 00:10:01,715 Mayor West only banned gay marriage 219 00:10:01,835 --> 00:10:03,715 so he could distract from the Dig 'Em scandal. 220 00:10:03,835 --> 00:10:05,115 He won't get away with it. 221 00:10:05,195 --> 00:10:07,235 Oh, Jasper, where'd you get these brownies? 222 00:10:07,355 --> 00:10:09,795 They're from a bakery in the West Quahog gay district. 223 00:10:09,915 --> 00:10:11,755 I thought they'd help my depression. 224 00:10:11,835 --> 00:10:15,996 Oh, I can see why. Oh, my God, they pack so much fudge into these. 225 00:10:16,076 --> 00:10:18,596 And look at this. There's even a couple of nuts lodged in there. 226 00:10:18,636 --> 00:10:19,876 I'm going upstairs. 227 00:10:19,956 --> 00:10:21,276 Oh, I've got to do something. 228 00:10:21,356 --> 00:10:23,677 Jasper's always been there for me when I've needed him. 229 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,997 I am gonna make Mayor West change his mind. 230 00:10:26,117 --> 00:10:29,637 But, Brian, the Bible says gay marriage is an abomination. 231 00:10:29,717 --> 00:10:31,733 Oh, don't give me that Young Republican crap, Chris. 232 00:10:31,757 --> 00:10:34,117 The Bible also says a senior citizen built an ark 233 00:10:34,237 --> 00:10:36,238 and rounded up two of every animal. 234 00:10:38,398 --> 00:10:39,918 - Hey. - Yeah? 235 00:10:40,038 --> 00:10:41,518 What the hell is this? 236 00:10:41,958 --> 00:10:45,118 Oh, you didn't really give any specific guidelines about mating. 237 00:10:45,198 --> 00:10:46,359 - Did you name it? - What? 238 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,479 Did you name it? 239 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:48,879 Uh, yeah, he's Paul. 240 00:10:48,999 --> 00:10:51,095 Yeah? Well, it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder for you now, 241 00:10:51,119 --> 00:10:53,239 because he's going the fuck overboard. 242 00:10:54,759 --> 00:10:55,759 Hi, Glenn. 243 00:10:55,799 --> 00:10:57,496 Uh, hey, will you sign a petition to overturn 244 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,080 Mayor West's ban on gay marriage? 245 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:00,720 Gay marriage? Oh, come on, 246 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,496 two halves can't make a whole without a hole. 247 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,800 Giggity Giggity Giggity Giggity. 248 00:11:09,401 --> 00:11:11,601 You get off my property, you pervert. 249 00:11:11,961 --> 00:11:14,641 Uh, Mr. Bottomtooth, would you like to sign the petition? 250 00:11:17,561 --> 00:11:20,482 Uh, I don't... What's the problem? 251 00:11:24,442 --> 00:11:25,962 Ah! Okay. Thank you. 252 00:11:42,564 --> 00:11:43,684 Chris, did you hear? 253 00:11:43,764 --> 00:11:46,964 Some dog is going around town trying to get support for gay marriage. 254 00:11:47,084 --> 00:11:49,124 Oh, that's Brian. He's got a petition. 255 00:11:49,204 --> 00:11:50,204 Really? 256 00:11:50,324 --> 00:11:52,085 Chris, you've got to destroy that petition. 257 00:11:52,205 --> 00:11:53,205 Why? 258 00:11:53,245 --> 00:11:55,725 Because if you do, I'll let you touch my boobs. 259 00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:58,605 Is that good? Do I want that? 260 00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:00,205 Oh, yeah, you want that. 261 00:12:00,325 --> 00:12:01,885 Well, fantastic then. 262 00:12:04,046 --> 00:12:05,686 How can I help you, Mrs. Griffin? 263 00:12:05,806 --> 00:12:07,886 Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis. 264 00:12:07,966 --> 00:12:09,646 I'm a very open-minded person, 265 00:12:09,726 --> 00:12:12,206 and I've never had any problem with gays before, 266 00:12:12,286 --> 00:12:15,807 but something about two gay people getting married, 267 00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:17,367 I just don't think it's right. 268 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,007 Well, these questions are too big 269 00:12:19,127 --> 00:12:20,567 to be decided by human beings. 270 00:12:20,687 --> 00:12:22,927 Which is why God made this film. 271 00:12:27,528 --> 00:12:30,608 You know, there's been a lot of talk lately about homosexuals, 272 00:12:30,728 --> 00:12:32,568 but how do you know what to believe? 273 00:12:32,688 --> 00:12:36,689 Well, here are a few tips that may help you tell when you've got a gay. 274 00:12:37,009 --> 00:12:39,249 So, uh, what's your favorite Madonna album? 275 00:12:39,369 --> 00:12:40,529 I like her early work. 276 00:12:40,609 --> 00:12:43,569 If his answer is anything but ' "I've never bought one, '" 277 00:12:43,689 --> 00:12:45,489 you've got a gay. 278 00:12:45,729 --> 00:12:48,210 Let's take a blood sample, Mr. Braga. 279 00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:52,050 If instead of human blood, you find a deadly corrosive acid, 280 00:12:52,130 --> 00:12:53,970 you've got a gay. 281 00:13:01,331 --> 00:13:03,571 Not this time, nancy-boy. 282 00:13:05,851 --> 00:13:07,691 Well, that was interesting. 283 00:13:07,771 --> 00:13:10,212 I also have My Giant with Billy Crystal. 284 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,772 Oh, God, no, no. 285 00:13:15,132 --> 00:13:16,972 Well, we almost have enough signatures, 286 00:13:17,052 --> 00:13:18,652 thanks to Quahog's gay district. 287 00:13:18,772 --> 00:13:21,533 Lois, how'd you like to be signature number 10,000? 288 00:13:21,613 --> 00:13:23,933 - Brian, I can't sign this. - Why not? 289 00:13:24,013 --> 00:13:26,813 Well, because I don't believe in gay marriage. 290 00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:29,093 You don't believe... Lois, that's ridiculous. 291 00:13:29,213 --> 00:13:30,870 Gay people have every right to get married. 292 00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,054 Well, they certainly have every right to be together, 293 00:13:33,174 --> 00:13:35,374 but marriage should be between a man and a woman. 294 00:13:35,454 --> 00:13:37,654 Well, that's not how they do it in West Quahog. 295 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,614 By the way, Lois, I got a piercing over there. 296 00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,854 I'm not gonna tell you where, but I'll give you a hint. 297 00:13:41,895 --> 00:13:44,615 It wasn't my nose or my ear and it was one of my balls. 298 00:13:44,735 --> 00:13:46,135 Well, regardless of what you think, 299 00:13:46,175 --> 00:13:47,815 this is going to change Mayor West's mind, 300 00:13:47,855 --> 00:13:49,615 and we are gonna have Jasper's wedding here. 301 00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:52,615 Fine. Then until this is all over, I'll stay somewhere else. 302 00:13:52,735 --> 00:13:54,832 Come on, Stewie, we're going to Grandma and Grandpa's. 303 00:13:54,856 --> 00:13:57,336 Fine, I'll go, but I'm not missing that gay wedding. 304 00:13:57,456 --> 00:13:58,696 I still kick myself for missing 305 00:13:58,816 --> 00:14:00,056 that topless cheerleader parade 306 00:14:00,096 --> 00:14:01,736 with the 100-foot chocolate teddy bear 307 00:14:01,856 --> 00:14:03,416 and the F-16s doing aerial acrobatics, 308 00:14:03,536 --> 00:14:05,297 choreographed to the music of Queen. 309 00:14:05,377 --> 00:14:06,977 Oh, I remember that day. 310 00:14:08,177 --> 00:14:10,377 Huh. Should have gone to that thing. 311 00:14:15,778 --> 00:14:17,938 My petition! What the hell are you doing? 312 00:14:18,018 --> 00:14:20,618 I'm going to get to touch right-wing boob because of this. 313 00:14:20,738 --> 00:14:23,418 You idiot! Now I'm going to have to get 10,000 more signatures 314 00:14:23,498 --> 00:14:25,538 before tomorrow morning. What were you thinking? 315 00:14:25,658 --> 00:14:27,339 You don't understand, Brian. 316 00:14:27,459 --> 00:14:29,819 When was the last time you were even with a woman? 317 00:14:29,939 --> 00:14:32,779 - Uh, when did the Challenger blow up? - '86. 318 00:14:32,899 --> 00:14:35,219 Yeah, it was like three years before that. 319 00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:40,100 Mayor West, here's the gay marriage ban for your approval. 320 00:14:40,220 --> 00:14:42,060 Excellent. This is so important, 321 00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:44,020 I'm going to sign it with all capital letters. 322 00:14:44,060 --> 00:14:47,420 It's going to say, "ADAM WEST." 323 00:14:47,580 --> 00:14:49,501 That's what it's going to say, you'll see. 324 00:14:49,581 --> 00:14:51,261 Hey, buddy, you can't go in there. 325 00:14:52,541 --> 00:14:54,021 Mayor West, you have to look at this. 326 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:55,461 Ten thousand signatures. 327 00:14:55,541 --> 00:14:56,821 I've been up for 24 hours, 328 00:14:56,901 --> 00:14:57,981 I paid off a few people 329 00:14:58,061 --> 00:15:00,942 and I did a few things in West Quahog I'm not proud of. 330 00:15:06,182 --> 00:15:09,182 So, it's a show about three hookers and their mom? 331 00:15:09,262 --> 00:15:12,383 This is very impressive, but my decision stands. 332 00:15:13,063 --> 00:15:14,063 No! 333 00:15:14,143 --> 00:15:15,623 Come on, buddy, you're leaving. 334 00:15:15,743 --> 00:15:17,903 No, I can't let Jasper down. 335 00:15:19,303 --> 00:15:20,703 I'm not going to let you sign that. 336 00:15:20,743 --> 00:15:22,264 Go on, get out of here. 337 00:15:24,264 --> 00:15:27,224 I should warn you, I have a tiny bullet-proof shield, 338 00:15:27,304 --> 00:15:31,024 the exact size of a bullet, somewhere on my body. 339 00:15:31,144 --> 00:15:35,345 And if you hit it, I'll be unharmed, and your plan will be foiled. 340 00:15:35,465 --> 00:15:37,945 You'll be the laughingstock of me. 341 00:15:38,025 --> 00:15:39,665 I don't want to shoot you, Mayor West. 342 00:15:39,785 --> 00:15:41,665 Good, because I'm incredibly crafty. 343 00:15:41,785 --> 00:15:43,746 Hey, what's that on the ceiling? 344 00:15:44,906 --> 00:15:46,226 Now I'm over here. 345 00:15:51,906 --> 00:15:54,026 Look, this has gotten out of hand, I know. 346 00:15:54,146 --> 00:15:55,667 I don't want anyone to get hurt. 347 00:15:55,787 --> 00:15:57,363 But you can put an end to this right now 348 00:15:57,387 --> 00:15:59,147 by tearing up that gay marriage ban. 349 00:15:59,267 --> 00:16:00,387 You won't break me. 350 00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:02,907 15 years ago I swallowed everything I needed 351 00:16:02,987 --> 00:16:05,107 to escape from a hostage situation. 352 00:16:12,148 --> 00:16:13,188 A wall! 353 00:16:13,268 --> 00:16:14,268 Well, no matter. 354 00:16:14,308 --> 00:16:17,189 I'm prepared for a lengthy captivity as well. 355 00:16:19,869 --> 00:16:23,069 I swallowed this People magazine in 1989. 356 00:16:23,469 --> 00:16:27,670 All right, Paul Hogan, tell me about the real Crocodile Dundee. 357 00:16:30,510 --> 00:16:32,910 It's so nice to have you home, dear. 358 00:16:32,990 --> 00:16:34,110 I can take it or leave it. 359 00:16:34,190 --> 00:16:36,470 God, this is such an old-people house, you know. 360 00:16:36,590 --> 00:16:37,606 I mean, look at this candy jar. 361 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:38,991 Let's, uh, take a look in here. 362 00:16:39,111 --> 00:16:40,991 Let's see what you got here. You got... 363 00:16:41,071 --> 00:16:43,591 You got licorice. Oh, that's, uh, that's... 364 00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:45,231 Oh, Freedent. Oh, that's good. 365 00:16:45,351 --> 00:16:47,191 Yeah, I got a sweet tooth, 366 00:16:47,311 --> 00:16:49,191 I think I'll have some Freedent. 367 00:16:49,271 --> 00:16:50,872 What's this? A cough drop. 368 00:16:50,992 --> 00:16:52,272 A Luden's cough drop. 369 00:16:52,392 --> 00:16:55,912 Is that candy? No, I don't think that's candy. I think it's a cough drop! 370 00:16:56,032 --> 00:16:58,112 What else we got? Look. Look at this. 371 00:16:58,192 --> 00:16:59,912 There's a fishing lure in here. 372 00:17:00,032 --> 00:17:02,673 There's a fishing lure in the candy jar. 373 00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:05,513 What? Am I supposed to eat this? 374 00:17:05,753 --> 00:17:08,473 Eat a fishing lure? Hey, look, Brian's on TV. 375 00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:10,793 And now, some Channel five exclusive footage 376 00:17:10,913 --> 00:17:12,394 of the crazed homosexual gunman 377 00:17:12,474 --> 00:17:13,994 who's taken Mayor West hostage. 378 00:17:14,114 --> 00:17:15,194 Oh, my God! 379 00:17:15,314 --> 00:17:16,914 Brian's taken the Mayor hostage? 380 00:17:17,034 --> 00:17:18,874 Is this an eyeglass lens? 381 00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:21,714 I didn't realize how strongly he feels about this. 382 00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:22,955 Gay marriage. 383 00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:24,571 Next thing you know, they'll want to vote. 384 00:17:24,595 --> 00:17:25,595 Oh, oh, look at this. 385 00:17:25,715 --> 00:17:28,715 A spare key for a Volkswagen Scirocco. 386 00:17:28,835 --> 00:17:30,475 They don't even make this anymore. 387 00:17:30,595 --> 00:17:32,635 They don't even make this car anymore. 388 00:17:32,755 --> 00:17:34,716 Whose key could this possibly be? 389 00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:36,116 What if Brian's right? 390 00:17:36,236 --> 00:17:39,596 I mean, certainly the love between a man and a woman should be sacred, but... 391 00:17:39,716 --> 00:17:41,876 Who's talking about love? We're talking about marriage. 392 00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:43,356 Well, don't you love Mom? 393 00:17:43,476 --> 00:17:44,717 Come on, Lois, look at her. 394 00:17:44,837 --> 00:17:46,757 So two straight people who hate each other 395 00:17:46,837 --> 00:17:48,317 have more of a right to be together 396 00:17:48,437 --> 00:17:50,037 than two gay people who love each other? 397 00:17:50,077 --> 00:17:52,117 That's what we raised you to believe. 398 00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,877 Oh, my God! I've made a terrible mistake! 399 00:17:55,037 --> 00:17:57,438 I've been brainwashed, like Elizabeth Smart. 400 00:17:57,638 --> 00:17:59,718 It's so wonderful having her home again. 401 00:17:59,798 --> 00:18:01,558 She's brought music back into the house. 402 00:18:01,678 --> 00:18:03,358 Playing songs on the harp. 403 00:18:03,478 --> 00:18:06,518 Of course most of them are about rape, but it's still nice. 404 00:18:07,479 --> 00:18:09,439 I think I made Brian crazy. 405 00:18:09,559 --> 00:18:11,319 Maybe I shouldn't have burned that petition. 406 00:18:11,439 --> 00:18:13,439 No, Chris, you did the right thing. 407 00:18:13,559 --> 00:18:16,239 It's only a matter of time before Mayor West signs that bill, 408 00:18:16,359 --> 00:18:18,000 and you'll get to touch these. 409 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,960 Oh, boy, I got a feeling that before the end of the day, 410 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,800 I'm going to be burying my dog. 411 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,760 Whoa, whoa. I said you could touch my boobs. Let's start with that. 412 00:18:25,880 --> 00:18:28,600 Look, Peter, if you can't get Brian to come out peacefully, 413 00:18:28,721 --> 00:18:30,057 we're going to have to take him down. 414 00:18:30,081 --> 00:18:32,241 Don't worry, Joe, I'm good with tight situations. 415 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,601 Like when I saved Luke Skywalker's life. 416 00:18:35,001 --> 00:18:37,041 Okay, Luke, this will keep you warm 417 00:18:37,161 --> 00:18:39,041 until I get the shelter built. 418 00:18:42,242 --> 00:18:43,442 You're sure this is okay? 419 00:18:43,562 --> 00:18:45,058 Yeah, you're just cutting into the fat. 420 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,122 All right, Brian, Peter's coming in. 421 00:18:48,042 --> 00:18:50,522 I'll relax him by using my catchphrase. 422 00:18:51,603 --> 00:18:53,963 Hey, what's up with you? 423 00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:58,523 - What the hell was that? - My catchphrase. 424 00:18:58,643 --> 00:18:59,779 You don't have a catchphrase. 425 00:18:59,803 --> 00:19:02,204 Why you gotta say like that? 426 00:19:03,884 --> 00:19:05,244 Excuse me. 427 00:19:06,724 --> 00:19:08,604 Would anyone like to play Stratego? 428 00:19:08,684 --> 00:19:10,044 I have Stratego. 429 00:19:10,124 --> 00:19:11,780 Oh, Peter, I never meant for this to happen. 430 00:19:11,804 --> 00:19:15,245 This whole situation has totally spiraled out of control. 431 00:19:15,325 --> 00:19:18,085 Brian, listen to me. I was wrong. 432 00:19:18,205 --> 00:19:21,885 If two people love each other, they should have the right to get married. 433 00:19:22,005 --> 00:19:24,366 But you have to come down and give yourself up. 434 00:19:24,446 --> 00:19:26,006 If you drag this out any longer, 435 00:19:26,086 --> 00:19:28,086 you're only hurting your own cause. 436 00:19:29,726 --> 00:19:32,206 She's right. I'm sorry, Mayor West. 437 00:19:32,286 --> 00:19:34,927 Well, you were only doing what you thought was right, Brian. 438 00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:37,967 And, hey, you've distracted everyone from the Dig 'Em statue, 439 00:19:38,047 --> 00:19:40,887 so I guess we don't need this bill anymore. 440 00:19:44,447 --> 00:19:46,808 Everybody happy! 441 00:19:55,488 --> 00:19:58,849 Well, it sure was nice of Mayor West to drop the kidnapping charges. 442 00:19:58,969 --> 00:20:00,769 It's amazing. All he asked for in return 443 00:20:00,889 --> 00:20:02,689 was the key to a Volkswagen Scirocco. 444 00:20:02,809 --> 00:20:03,929 You're welcome. 445 00:20:04,009 --> 00:20:05,129 Listen, Lois, 446 00:20:05,249 --> 00:20:07,369 I really appreciate you putting your discomfort aside, 447 00:20:07,489 --> 00:20:08,849 so we could have the wedding here. 448 00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:10,810 Oh, please, I'm over all that now. 449 00:20:10,890 --> 00:20:13,370 Two men getting married doesn't bother me in the least. 450 00:20:13,490 --> 00:20:14,850 They deserve happiness. 451 00:20:14,970 --> 00:20:17,210 Everybody gay!