1 00:00:01,877 --> 00:00:05,547 ♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪ 2 00:00:05,631 --> 00:00:08,675 ♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪ 3 00:00:08,759 --> 00:00:12,262 ♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪ 4 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:15,098 ♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪ 5 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:18,685 ♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪ 6 00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:21,939 ♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪ 7 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,440 ♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪ 8 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,108 ♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪ 9 00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:30,113 ♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪ 10 00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:38,038 WHOO-HOO! BABY! 11 00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:39,498 12 IN A ROW! 12 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,542 WOW, YOU MUST HAVE HAD A GREAT BODY 13 00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,169 BEFORE IT WENT ALL FUN-HOUSE MIRROR ON YOU. 14 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,171 I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW TERRIFIC YOU LOOK. 15 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:47,256 THANKS. 16 00:00:47,339 --> 00:00:49,091 I'VE BEEN TAKING TAE-JITSU CLASSES. 17 00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:50,676 YOU SHOULD COME WITH ME SOMETIME. 18 00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:51,885 I'D LOVE TO. 19 00:00:51,969 --> 00:00:53,679 OH, THE BABY'S KICKING. WANT TO FEEL? 20 00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:54,763 SURE. 21 00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,265 OW! OW! 22 00:00:56,348 --> 00:00:58,433 OH! YOU ARE FREAKIN' DEAD, KID. 23 00:00:58,517 --> 00:00:59,518 PETER! 24 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,562 Meg: OH, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR. 25 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:02,813 ME, TOO. 26 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,106 THE SUMMER TOURISTS ARE GONE 27 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,941 AND WE FINALLY HAVE THE TOWN TO OURSELVES 28 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,734 BEFORE THOSE IDIOTS FROM NEW YORK SHOW UP 29 00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:08,944 TO WATCH THE LEAVES CHANGE 30 00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:10,195 AND TAKE OVER THE WHOLE PLACE. 31 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,907 ( gasps ) 32 00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:17,202 ( horns honking ) 33 00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:19,204 LEAFERS! 34 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,664 HOLY CRAP. WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! 35 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,254 -WHAT ABOUT THE BOAT? -LEAVE IT! 36 00:01:27,379 --> 00:01:28,547 HURRY, PETER. 37 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,090 THEY'RE ALMOST HERE. 38 00:01:30,174 --> 00:01:31,175 WE'RE TOO LATE. 39 00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,262 YO, MATTIE, CHECK OUT THOSE COLORS-- 40 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:36,388 YELLOW LIKE A TAXI 41 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:38,432 ORANGE LIKE THE BALL AT THE KNICKS GAME 42 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:41,059 AND RED LIKE THE SAUCE ON MY MAMA MIA'S GOO-GOTS. 43 00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,227 YEAH, AND BROWN 44 00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:44,354 LIKE THE GUYS I DON'T PICK UP IN MY CAB. 45 00:01:44,438 --> 00:01:45,439 BEE-UTIFUL. 46 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:46,607 ( all scream ) 47 00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:47,983 Good evening. 48 00:01:48,066 --> 00:01:50,569 Tonight's top story: Quahog is infested 49 00:01:50,652 --> 00:01:53,864 with loud hairy creatures also know as New Yorkers. 50 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,200 They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. 51 00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,618 I think I speak for all of us 52 00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,953 when I say that New York and everyone from there 53 00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:01,872 can fornicate themselves with an iron stick. 54 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,791 ( horns honking ) 55 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:06,710 WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR CHURCH. 56 00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,754 MOVE IT! DAMN LEAFERS. 57 00:02:08,837 --> 00:02:10,214 CHRIS, QUIT IT. 58 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,216 MOM, CHRIS PUT HIS FOOT ON MY SIDE AGAIN. 59 00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,300 I CAN'T HELP IT. 60 00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,302 I HAVE THESE LONG DANCER'S LEGS. 61 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:16,512 MOVE IT! 62 00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,138 MEG, STOP YOUR WHINING. 63 00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:19,723 CHRIS, STAY ON YOUR OWN SIDE. 64 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,226 LOIS, FOR GOD SAKE, GET OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOME PARENTING. 65 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:23,393 IF YOU KIDS DON'T KNOCK IT OFF 66 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,354 WE'RE NOT GOING TO McDONALD'S AFTER CHURCH. 67 00:02:25,437 --> 00:02:26,438 -MOM! -MOM! 68 00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:28,106 DON'T WORRY, WE'RE GOING. 69 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:30,108 B-B-BUT... 70 00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:31,777 YOU DON'T GET TO SUPER SIZE. 71 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:32,903 OH... 72 00:02:33,028 --> 00:02:34,029 OKAY, YOU CAN SUPER SIZE 73 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,113 BUT NO APPLE PIE. 74 00:02:35,197 --> 00:02:36,198 OH, COME ON. 75 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,282 OKAY, YOU GET AN APPLE PIE 76 00:02:37,366 --> 00:02:38,534 BUT YOU CAN'T BLOW ON IT. 77 00:02:38,617 --> 00:02:41,370 PETER, DON'T CONTRADICT ME IN FRONT OF THE KIDS. 78 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,288 LOIS, BROTHERS AND SISTERS FIGHTING 79 00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:46,416 IS AS NATURAL AS A WHITE MAN'S DIALOGUE IN A SPIKE LEE MOVIE. 80 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,502 WUSSUP? CAN I GET TWO SLICES OF PEPPERONI? 81 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:51,547 ( snarling and growling ) 82 00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:57,010 WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE? 83 00:02:57,094 --> 00:02:58,095 DAMN NEW YORKERS. 84 00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,555 THEY TOOK ALL THE GOOD SEATS. 85 00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:03,267 AREN'T YOU PRECIOUS? 86 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,018 ( hissing ) ( screams ) 87 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:06,854 ( laughing) 88 00:03:06,937 --> 00:03:08,146 SOME OF MY NOVELTY ITEMS 89 00:03:08,230 --> 00:03:09,940 WERE PROVIDED BY JACK'S JOKE SHOP 90 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,567 OF SOUTH ATTLEBORO, MASSACHUSETTS. 91 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,986 REMEMBER, IF IT AIN'T FUNNY, IT AIN'T WORTH JACK. 92 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,238 I'D LIKE TO WELCOME 93 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:18,240 ALL OUR OUT-OF-TOWN PARISHIONERS. 94 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,075 MY COUSIN, FATHER SAPIENZA 95 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,160 IS IN FROM NEW YORK TO SEE THE LEAVES 96 00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:23,745 AND I'D LIKE TO INVITE HIM 97 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,414 TO DO THE OPENING PRAYER. 98 00:03:25,497 --> 00:03:26,915 YO, GOD IS GOOD, HUH? 99 00:03:26,999 --> 00:03:29,793 AND HE EXPECTS US TO BE GOOD, AND IF YOU'RE NOT 100 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:32,796 HE'S GOING TO COME DOWN AND BUST YOUR FREAKIN' SKULL. AMEN. 101 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:34,715 WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO? 102 00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,675 YOUR GOD AIN'T TOUGHER THAN ME. 103 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:38,468 YOU CAN'T TALK TO THE FATHER LIKE THAT 104 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,928 YOU STUPID GAVONE. 105 00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,889 I OUGHT TO COME OVER THERE AND BREAK YOUR FREAKIN' ARM. 106 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,473 YOU WANT TO GO, TOUGH GUY? 107 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:45,017 I'LL SNAP YOU IN HALF 108 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,436 LIKE AN ALMOND BISCOTTI FROM BELARO'S ON 51st STREET. 109 00:03:47,519 --> 00:03:48,687 BEST IN THE CITY. 110 00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,272 FELLAS, THIS IS GOD'S HOUSE 111 00:03:50,355 --> 00:03:52,566 AND THE PATRIOTS KICK OFF IN ABOUT 45 MINUTES 112 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,026 SO COULD WE MOVE THIS ALONG? 113 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:55,110 PATRIOTS SUCK! 114 00:03:55,194 --> 00:03:56,195 ( gasps ): BLASPHEMY! 115 00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:57,279 ( screams ) 116 00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,072 IT BURNS! AH, GEE! 117 00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:00,157 "HOLY WATER"? 118 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,117 WHERE'S THAT ACID I ORDERED? 119 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:03,994 HEY, GUIDO, WATCH THIS. 120 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,662 ( whistling and whirring) 121 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,998 WHOA! I'VE GOT TO LAY OFF THE COFFEE. 122 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,291 HOT-CHA-CHA, CHA-CHA! 123 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:11,210 THAT'S JACK'S, EXIT 14 OFF 295. 124 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:17,132 TAE-JITSU IS ABOUT POWER FOR YOUR BODY AND YOUR MIND. 125 00:04:17,216 --> 00:04:20,052 DON'T BE AFRAID TO FREE THE BEAST INSIDE YOU. 126 00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:21,470 LEFT KICK! RIGHT KICK! 127 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,096 PUNCH COMBO! STOMP! 128 00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:24,598 BEAUTIFUL! AGAIN! 129 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:25,933 LEFT KICK! 130 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:28,268 WOW, YOU'RE DOING GREAT FOR YOUR FIRST LESSON. 131 00:04:28,352 --> 00:04:31,021 I'M REALLY CUTTING LOOSE JUST LIKE JULIE ANDREWS 132 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,190 IN THAT MOVIE WHERE SHE SHOWED HER BREASTS. 133 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:36,109 OH, MARY, YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE US, WILL YOU? 134 00:04:36,193 --> 00:04:37,778 YES, THOSE ARE LOVELY 135 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:40,447 BUT IT DOESN'T QUITE ANSWER OUR QUESTION. 136 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:47,913 JETS RULE! 137 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:50,457 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 138 00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,209 HEY, WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, WILL YOU? 139 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,336 HEY, HORACE, PUT THE PATS GAME ON THE TV 140 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,004 AND GET ME A FEW BEERS, HUH? 141 00:04:56,088 --> 00:04:58,799 SORRY, PETER, SOMEONE STOLE THE REMOTES 142 00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:01,176 AND THE KEGS, AND I'M NOT SURE 143 00:05:01,260 --> 00:05:03,387 BUT I THINK I'VE BEEN SHOT. 144 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:04,721 YEP. 145 00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,224 HEY, PAL, WATCH MY SEAT. 146 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,935 I GOT TO BLEED THE LIZARD. 147 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,770 ( unzipping and tinkling) 148 00:05:11,854 --> 00:05:13,772 PUBLIC URINATION IS JUST WRONG 149 00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:16,233 EXCEPT DURING THE MILLION MAN MARCH 150 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,986 WHEN PROTESTERS BURNED OUR PORT-A-POTTIES. 151 00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:22,531 THEN I USED MY STREAM OF JUSTICE TO PUT OUT THE HATE. 152 00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:23,866 I DON'T KNOW, FELLAS 153 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,325 I THINK THERE'S POTENTIAL IN THIS CROWD. 154 00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:26,451 ( snickers ) 155 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:27,911 HEY, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU TURN AROUND 156 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,496 AND SHOW ME THE LOWER EAST SIDE? 157 00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:30,581 ( deep voice ): SURE. 158 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:31,790 WHOA! TRANSVESTITE! BACK OFF! 159 00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:32,958 WAIT A SEC-- PRE-OP OR POST-OP? 160 00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,042 PRE-OP. 161 00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:35,752 WHOA! TRANSVESTITE! BACK OFF! 162 00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,045 YOU'RE RIGHT, THIS PLACE BLOWS. 163 00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:38,255 WE GOT TO SEND THESE STRAP-HANGERS 164 00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,423 BACK WHERE THEY CAME FROM. 165 00:05:39,506 --> 00:05:41,592 DON'T WORRY, I GOT AN IDEA 166 00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,970 AN IDEA SO SMART, MY HEAD WOULD EXPLODE 167 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:48,932 IF I EVEN BEGIN TO KNOW WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. 168 00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:53,562 ( Peter yelling ) 169 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:55,898 I AM A MAN-EATING TREE. 170 00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:58,692 GO BACK TO NEW YORK OR I WILL EAT YOU 171 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:02,446 JUST LIKE I ATE INSANE NEW YORK ANCHORMAN DAN RATHER. 172 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:03,530 ( spits ) 173 00:06:03,614 --> 00:06:05,032 AND LOOK WHO I HAD FOR DESSERT: 174 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:07,743 ASEXUAL FORMER MAYOR ED KOCH. 175 00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:08,952 ( spits ) 176 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,162 LEAVE MY LAND 177 00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:12,039 OR I WILL SMITE YOU WITH MY POWERFUL LIMB. 178 00:06:12,122 --> 00:06:13,373 WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS? 179 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:14,541 GIVE ME THAT BRANCH. 180 00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:15,751 OH! GET OFF OF ME. 181 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:16,835 ( yelling ) 182 00:06:16,919 --> 00:06:18,086 WHY, YOU... 183 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:19,880 OH, MY GOD! 184 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,507 STOP FIGHTING. ( yelling ) 185 00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:23,342 ( groaning ) 186 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,344 HOLY CRAP. 187 00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,012 OH, MY GOD. 188 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:31,391 MOM, YOU COULD BE A WORLD CHAMPION 189 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,477 AND NO ONE COULD HIT YOU BELOW THE BELT 190 00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,938 'CAUSE GIRLS DON'T HAVE ANYTHING DOWN THERE. 191 00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:37,356 CAN YOU TEACH ME TO KICK ASS? 192 00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,066 OH, NO, I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE 193 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,193 AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE 194 00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,612 FOR BRINGING FIST FIGHTING INTO OUR SCHOOLS. 195 00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:46,490 GEE, LOIS, CAN YOU HEAR ME ALL THE WAY BACK THERE IN THE '50s? 196 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:47,950 OH, THAT WAS LAME. 197 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,284 OH, POOR PETER. 198 00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:52,079 I EMASCULATED HIM IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE. 199 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,914 I THINK HE'S REALLY UPSET. 200 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:56,834 Peter ( on bullhorn ): GATHER 'ROUND, EVERYBODY. 201 00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,001 TEN BUCKS IS ALL IT TAKES. 202 00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,712 STEP RIGHT UP AND FIGHT MY WIFE. 203 00:07:00,796 --> 00:07:01,797 ( gasps ) 204 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,176 COME ONE, COME ALL. 205 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,511 SHE FLOATS LIKE A BUTTERFLY 206 00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:08,887 AND STINGS LIKE WHEN I PEE. 207 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:11,557 PETER, I AM NOT A SIDESHOW ATTRACTION 208 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:13,058 AT LEAST NOT ANYMORE. 209 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:17,437 ME LIKEY BOUNCEY! ME LIKEY BOUNCEY! 210 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:18,856 I WANT YOU TO GET RID 211 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,107 OF ALL OF THIS RIGHT NOW 212 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,568 'CAUSE I AM NEVER FIGHTING AGAIN, EVER. 213 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,736 COME ON, CHRIS, WE'LL HAVE TO GO TO PLAN "B." 214 00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:27,406 ( crowd murmuring ) 215 00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:29,950 ( growls ) 216 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,618 OH, NO! AH! OH, GOD! 217 00:07:31,702 --> 00:07:33,078 OH, MY GOD! HELP ME! 218 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,955 HELP ME, FOR GOD'S SAKES! 219 00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:36,623 HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! 220 00:07:36,707 --> 00:07:37,708 HELP! 221 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:38,959 ( gasps ) 222 00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:40,377 DON'T WORRY, IT'S A TRAINED BEAR. 223 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,545 HE'S IN NO REAL DANGER. 224 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,423 ( grunts ) 225 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,175 OH, HE'S TEACHING A CLASS. 226 00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,885 I-I CAN'T BOTHER HIM NOW. 227 00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,011 SURE YOU CAN. 228 00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:51,221 HEY, HEY, RALPH MACCHIO. 229 00:07:51,305 --> 00:07:52,431 MY WIFE HERE NEEDS TO TALK TO YOU. 230 00:07:52,514 --> 00:07:53,515 THERE YOU GO, HONEY. 231 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:54,600 WHAT IS IT, LOIS? 232 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:55,851 I, UH... 233 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,145 I DON'T THINK I SHOULD DO TAE-JITSU ANYMORE. 234 00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:00,439 I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HURT SOMEONE. 235 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,441 BUT, LOIS, YOU'RE MY STAR PUPIL. 236 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:04,359 I WANT YOU IN MY ADVANCED CLASS. 237 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:05,444 ADVANCED CLASS? 238 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:06,528 NO, NO, NO. 239 00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:07,613 I'M TRYING TO QUIT. 240 00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:08,864 WELL, FINE, QUIT 241 00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,699 BUT GET USED TO PEOPLE WALKING ALL OVER YOU. 242 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,326 W-W-W-WAIT. HOLD ON THERE. 243 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:15,245 NOBODY WALKS ALL OVER MY WIFE 'CAUSE I WON'T LET THEM. 244 00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:16,496 PETER... 245 00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:17,748 QUIET, LOIS, MEN ARE TALKING. 246 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,208 SHE LEARNS THINGS EVENTUALLY. 247 00:08:19,291 --> 00:08:20,501 IT JUST TAKES HER LONGER. 248 00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,002 COME ON, HONEY, WE'RE OUT OF HERE. 249 00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:23,712 IF YOU HURRY, I'LL LET YOU TRY ON HATS. 250 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,589 I WON'T LET YOU BUY, BUT YOU CAN TRY THEM ON. 251 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:26,673 I'LL DO IT. 252 00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:32,054 ( grunting and growling ) 253 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,060 ( yells ) 254 00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:40,354 OW! 255 00:08:40,437 --> 00:08:42,272 ( crying ) 256 00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:47,694 STEWIE, YOU WANT TO SWING? 257 00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:48,779 YES, WHY NOT? 258 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,364 I'LL HAVE A GO AT IT. 259 00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:52,491 PERHAPS A QUICK STRETCH FIRST. 260 00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:53,575 ( cracking ) 261 00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,285 OOH, DAMN. 262 00:08:55,369 --> 00:08:57,746 MUST HAVE PULLED SOMETHING PLAYING HOOPS LAST WEEK. 263 00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,832 I KNOW YOU'RE NOT PUTTING THAT ROCK UP FROM HERE. 264 00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:01,959 YOU AIN'T GOT NO J. 265 00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,589 YO, MAN, THAT'S TRIPPIN'. 266 00:09:07,673 --> 00:09:09,508 BROTHER, PLEASE, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S TRIPPIN'. 267 00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:10,717 GO ON, CRY HOME TO YOUR MAMA. 268 00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:11,844 SHE WAITIN' FOR YA. 269 00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:12,928 NOW, DON'T MAKE ME 270 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,888 PUT MY SIZE 13s UP YOUR NARROW ASS! 271 00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,473 I DON'T SWEAT, YOU. BRING IT ON, BITCH. 272 00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:17,599 NOW, HOW YOU GOING TO ACT? 273 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:20,978 GEEZ, BRINGING THAT TRASH IN HERE. 274 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:22,312 THIS IS MY HOUSE. 275 00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:26,108 EXCUSE ME, WE WERE ABOUT TO USE THAT. 276 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:27,901 YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE, LADY. 277 00:09:27,985 --> 00:09:29,528 YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES. 278 00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:32,197 EITHER MY BABY SWINGS FROM THIS JUNGLE GYM 279 00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:34,032 OR YOU DO. 280 00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:37,828 OOH, LOIS, SOMEONE'S WEARING THEIR OVARIES ON THE OUTSIDE. 281 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,413 SHE SAW ME WALKING TO THE SWING. 282 00:09:39,496 --> 00:09:40,789 YES, YES, SHE SAW YOU. EASY, NOW. 283 00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:42,332 NOBODY WALKS ALL OVER ME. 284 00:09:42,457 --> 00:09:43,667 THOSE DAYS ARE OVER. 285 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,127 LOIS GRIFFIN DEMANDS RESPECT. 286 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,253 ( Stewie screams ) 287 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,880 ( grunts ) 288 00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:49,214 ( sniffs ) 289 00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:51,091 OH, I SMELL A MESSY DIAPER. 290 00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:52,843 GOD, WHY DOES THAT TURN ME ON? 291 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,390 HOLD IT, MEG, THOSE TWO ARE MINE. 292 00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,600 WHAT? 293 00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,602 THAT'S RANDY AND THAT'S FRED. 294 00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:03,478 RANDY IS THE MESSY ONE. 295 00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:04,771 FRED'S VERY NEAT. 296 00:10:04,855 --> 00:10:06,815 WHEN YOU GET THEM TOGETHER-- 297 00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,942 HOO-HOO!-- HOLD ON TO YOUR SIDES. 298 00:10:09,026 --> 00:10:11,945 NICE TO MEET YOU BOTH. 299 00:10:12,029 --> 00:10:13,322 ( gasps ) 300 00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:14,656 MURDERER! 301 00:10:14,907 --> 00:10:16,783 STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU! 302 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,202 STARTING NOW, YOU TWO 303 00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:19,786 ARE GOING TO LOVE EACH OTHER. 304 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:20,996 NOW, STAY THAT WAY. 305 00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:24,791 IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD TO POTTY. 306 00:10:24,875 --> 00:10:26,960 SHEESH, LOIS, LOOK AT THE GARBAGE 307 00:10:27,044 --> 00:10:29,671 THOSE DAMN LEAFERS DUMPED ON OUR LAWN. 308 00:10:29,755 --> 00:10:31,798 NEW YORK POST, NEW YORK MAGAZINE 309 00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:33,133 THE NEW YORK METS. 310 00:10:33,342 --> 00:10:34,843 PETER, I'M SICK AND TIRED 311 00:10:34,927 --> 00:10:37,012 OF HEARING YOU WHINE ABOUT THE LEAFERS. 312 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,096 TAKE SOME ACTION. 313 00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:39,181 FREE THE BEAST! 314 00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:42,309 ( crowd gasps ) 315 00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:43,894 ( Lois grunting ) 316 00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:45,562 THAT WAS STRANGELY AROUSING. 317 00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:46,939 OW! 318 00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:48,482 ( grunting ) 319 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:50,901 HELLO, 911? 320 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:52,236 IT'S QUAGMIRE. 321 00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,446 YEAH, YEAH, IT'S IN A WINDOW THIS TIME. 322 00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,114 WOW, LOOK AT THEM RUN. 323 00:10:56,198 --> 00:10:57,699 WAIT A SECOND, BRIAN. 324 00:10:57,783 --> 00:10:59,493 THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA. 325 00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:04,873 THE DRUNKEN CLAM? 326 00:11:04,957 --> 00:11:07,334 WHY COULDN'T WE GO SOMEPLACE FANCY 327 00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,044 LIKE THE OLIVE GARDEN? 328 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,587 OH, THE BREADSTICKS. 329 00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,965 ME LIKEY BREADSTICKS, ME LIKEY... 330 00:11:13,048 --> 00:11:15,050 YOU'RE A BIG GIRL NOW. STOP IT. 331 00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,760 HOLD-HOLD-HOLD ON, LOIS. 332 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,011 EXCUSE ME, NEW YORKER. 333 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:19,972 I THINK YOU'RE IN MY SEAT AND I HAD SEX 334 00:11:20,055 --> 00:11:21,682 WITH YOUR MOTHER LAST NIGHT. 335 00:11:21,765 --> 00:11:22,766 PETER, ARE YOU CRAZY? 336 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:23,851 WHAT DID YOU SAY? 337 00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:25,269 ABOUT THE SEAT 338 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:26,562 OR ABOUT MY PLOWING YOUR FATHER'S WIFE? 339 00:11:26,645 --> 00:11:27,646 HEY, OOH! 340 00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,022 WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? 341 00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,275 EXCUSE ME, IS YOUR REFRIGERATOR RUNNING? 342 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,694 BECAUSE IF IT IS, IT PROBABLY RUNS LIKE YOU-- 343 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:34,945 VERY HOMOSEXUALLY. 344 00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:36,196 WHAT?! 345 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,573 HOW? YOU WANT TO DANCE? 346 00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:40,701 JETS SUCK, YANKEES SUCK, KNICKS SUCK. 347 00:11:45,455 --> 00:11:46,456 KRYPTON SUCKS. 348 00:11:46,540 --> 00:11:47,958 All: HMM? 349 00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:56,425 ( all screaming ) 350 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:04,224 THAT'S RIGHT, GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM, YOU BASTARDS. 351 00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,108 WE'LL CONCLUDE TODAY'S GRADUATION CEREMONY 352 00:12:13,192 --> 00:12:15,110 WITH A DEMONSTRATION BY THE BLACK BELTS. 353 00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:17,321 OKAY, PEOPLE, LET'S SHOW 'EM WHAT WE'VE LEARNED. 354 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:18,822 KATHY, GET IN THERE WITH LOIS. 355 00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:21,241 UH... I CAN'T. I HAVE CRAMPS. 356 00:12:21,325 --> 00:12:23,911 WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME UP AGAINST THE SCRUBS, JARED? 357 00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:26,121 WHY DON'T YOU BE A MAN AND FIGHT ME YOURSELF? 358 00:12:26,205 --> 00:12:28,624 WELL, LOIS, THE SENSEI IS A SACRED POSITION. 359 00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,876 I COULD NEVER VIOLATE THE SPIRITUAL BOND 360 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:32,127 OF THE STUDENT-MASTER RELATIONSHIP. 361 00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,087 OH, THEN ALLOW ME. 362 00:12:34,213 --> 00:12:35,422 All: OOH. 363 00:12:35,506 --> 00:12:36,882 THE BOND IS BROKEN. 364 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:39,635 THEN SPIN THE WHEEL, RAGGEDY MAN. 365 00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:41,011 GO, LOIS! PUMMEL HIM 366 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,722 WITH YOUR POWERFUL FISTS OF FEMALE FURY! 367 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:46,183 AND THEN, WHEN HE'S WEARY, EMASCULATE HIM 368 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,185 WITH YOUR INCESSANT NAGGING. 369 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,854 HUH, WOMEN-- YAKETY-YAK, YAKETY-YAK-YAK. 370 00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:52,105 YOU KNOW, HUH? 371 00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:53,232 ENJOY THE FIGHT. 372 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,581 EE-YAH! 373 00:13:09,665 --> 00:13:10,958 LOIS, THAT WAS AMAZING. 374 00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:12,209 CONGRATULA... 375 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,460 ( smooches ) 376 00:13:13,544 --> 00:13:14,711 THIS IS MINE. 377 00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,588 THIS IS WHERE MY BABIES COME FROM. 378 00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:20,175 And now back to the movie of the week... 379 00:13:23,512 --> 00:13:24,972 If this glacier goes slower 380 00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:26,223 than one mile a year 381 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,432 we're all dead! 382 00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:29,142 Tell me something I don't know. 383 00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:30,352 Get out of the way! 384 00:13:33,689 --> 00:13:35,232 LOIS, I WAS WATCHING THAT. 385 00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:38,986 WHATCHA... WHATCHA LOOKING AT? 386 00:13:39,069 --> 00:13:41,113 THE UNDERPANTS. LOSE 'EM. 387 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:44,074 UH, ACTUALLY, I-I KINDA, I SORTA HAVE A HEADACHE, KINDA. 388 00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:45,951 SEE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE TOMORROW OR, UH... 389 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:48,370 -TAKE 'EM OFF. -YEAH, OH-OH-OKAY, HONEY. 390 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:54,126 WHOA. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? 391 00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,752 THOSE ARE MY GRAHAM CRACKERS. 392 00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,504 RUN ALONG, STEWIE. 393 00:13:57,588 --> 00:13:59,173 DADDY HAD A ROUGH NIGHT. 394 00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:01,008 WHY, YOU TOTTERING FEN-SUCKED DEWBERRY. 395 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:03,135 I'M GOING TO GO FIND SOMETHING TO STRIKE YOU WITH. 396 00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:04,219 EXCUSE ME. 397 00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,307 GOOD MORNING. 398 00:14:08,390 --> 00:14:10,601 PETER, YOU LOOK TERRIBLE. WHAT HAPPENED? 399 00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:14,104 LAST NIGHT, LOIS WAS... THE MAN. 400 00:14:14,188 --> 00:14:15,522 GOOD LORD. 401 00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:17,149 I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW, BRIAN-- 402 00:14:17,232 --> 00:14:18,567 I DIDN'T CRY. 403 00:14:18,650 --> 00:14:19,860 ( sobbing ) 404 00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:21,612 IT'S OKAY, IT'S OKAY. 405 00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,113 ( sobbing ) 406 00:14:24,698 --> 00:14:26,408 OH, NO. PETER! 407 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:27,993 STEWIE, WHAT DID YOU DO? 408 00:14:28,076 --> 00:14:29,453 IT LOOKS LIKE HE FREED THE BEAST 409 00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:31,038 ALL OVER THE BACK OF PETER'S HEAD. 410 00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:32,247 OH, MY GOD. 411 00:14:32,331 --> 00:14:33,790 THIS IS MY FAULT. 412 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,835 THIS IS MY FAULT-- I BROUGHT VIOLENCE INTO THIS HOUSE. 413 00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:39,129 I'M THE WORST MOTHER IN THE WORLD. 414 00:14:39,213 --> 00:14:41,256 AHA! I GOT IT ALL ON TAPE. 415 00:14:41,340 --> 00:14:45,719 Stewie: Okay, um, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. 416 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:47,763 W-what's new, Ed? 417 00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:51,475 ( imitating Ed Sullivan : Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show. 418 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:54,353 Stewie: Okay, okay, and now a word from our sponsors. 419 00:14:54,895 --> 00:14:56,980 It takes a very steady hand. 420 00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,357 Don't touch the sides. 421 00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,276 ( imitates buzzer ) Butterfingers. 422 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:03,654 I-I WAS MAKING RADIO SHOWS FOR FUN. 423 00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:05,781 E-EVERYBODY DOES IT. 424 00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:06,990 AT LEAST, E-EVERYBODY I KNOW. 425 00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,408 SHUT UP! 426 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:15,499 NOW, STEWART, I WANT YOU TO TAKE THIS MOMMY DOLL 427 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,084 AND THIS DADDY DOLL 428 00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:18,710 AND SHOW ME HOW THEY ACT TOGETHER. 429 00:15:18,794 --> 00:15:20,087 OH, YES, VERY WELL. 430 00:15:20,170 --> 00:15:22,673 ALL RIGHT, UM... 431 00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:25,259 YOU SEE, MARGARET, AFTER 20-ODD YEARS OF MARRIAGE 432 00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,970 YOUR CURIOUS INDISCRETIONS NO LONGER FAZE ME. 433 00:15:28,053 --> 00:15:29,847 ( falsetto ): REALLY? AND I SUPPOSE YOU THINK 434 00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:32,641 I ENJOY HANGING ONTO THOSE HAMMOCKY DEPOSITS OF GIN SUGARS 435 00:15:32,724 --> 00:15:34,184 YOU CALL BUTTOCKS? 436 00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:35,894 WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT DID YOU JUST WRITE THERE? 437 00:15:35,978 --> 00:15:37,187 GIVE ME THAT. 438 00:15:37,271 --> 00:15:40,566 "INSECURITY"? "GENDER CONFUSION"? 439 00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:43,360 I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO WRITE ABOUT. 440 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,362 LOOK AT ME-- I'M INSANE. 441 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,865 I'M MARTIN LAWRENCE ON A BENDER. 442 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:51,034 ( shrieking ) 443 00:15:52,953 --> 00:15:54,705 MR. AND MRS. GRIFFIN 444 00:15:54,788 --> 00:15:56,623 DOES STEWART HAVE A HISTORY OF AGGRESSION? 445 00:15:56,707 --> 00:15:58,292 NO, NO, HITTING PETER 446 00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,335 IS THE FIRST VIOLENT THING HE'S EVER DONE. 447 00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:02,296 WELL, TECHNICALLY, THE FIRST ACT OF VIOLENCE 448 00:16:02,379 --> 00:16:04,131 WAS THAT TIME BOMB I LEFT TICKING IN YOUR UTERUS 449 00:16:04,214 --> 00:16:05,382 BEFORE I CAME OUT. 450 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,759 HAPPY 50th BIRTHDAY, LOIS. 451 00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:09,344 IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOUR SON 452 00:16:09,428 --> 00:16:11,054 IS LEARNING THIS BEHAVIOR FROM SOMEONE. 453 00:16:11,138 --> 00:16:13,765 I, UH, I-I KNOW WHO'S RESPONSIBLE 454 00:16:13,849 --> 00:16:14,850 FOR STEWIE'S BEHAVIOR 455 00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:16,101 BUT IF I TOLD YOU WHO IT WAS 456 00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:17,477 LOIS WOULD BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF ME. 457 00:16:17,561 --> 00:16:18,937 NOW, JUST A MINUTE. ( shrieks ) 458 00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:20,314 THE WHOLE REASON I STARTED FIGHTING 459 00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:21,398 IS BECAUSE OF YOU. 460 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:22,649 I FELT WEAK. 461 00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:24,151 Y-Y-YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. 462 00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,986 YOU UNDERMINE ME IN FRONT OF THE KIDS 463 00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:28,071 AND BESIDES, YOU'RE NOT... YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY 464 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:30,032 FATHER OF THE YEAR YOURSELF. 465 00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:32,826 WELL, THERE SEEMS TO BE A LOT OF ANGER IN YOUR HOUSEHOLD. 466 00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:35,537 YOU OWE IT TO YOUR SON TO LEARN HOW TO MANAGE THESE FEELINGS. 467 00:16:35,621 --> 00:16:37,664 MANAGE WHAT? 468 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,169 I KNOW I WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD WITH MY TAE-JITSU 469 00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:44,129 BUT FROM NOW ON, WE'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE 470 00:16:44,213 --> 00:16:46,340 ANY MORE ANGER IN THIS HOUSE, OKAY? 471 00:16:46,423 --> 00:16:48,133 THEN TELL CHRIS TO QUIT DRAWING PICTURES OF ME 472 00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:49,384 WITH A PIG'S BODY. 473 00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:50,761 DON'T CENSOR ME! 474 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:51,929 NO MORE ANGER! 475 00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:53,972 OKAY. 476 00:16:54,056 --> 00:16:55,307 THE PSYCHOLOGIST WANTS US 477 00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:58,769 TO TRY AN EXERCISE CALLED ROLE REVERSAL 478 00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:02,606 WHERE WE PRETEND TO BE THE PERSON WHO MAKES US ANGRY. 479 00:17:02,689 --> 00:17:04,316 I'LL GO FIRST. 480 00:17:04,399 --> 00:17:06,485 ( imitating Peter ): DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, KIDS. 481 00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:09,154 SHE'S WORTHLESS AND DUMB AND IGNORE HER 482 00:17:09,238 --> 00:17:11,406 AND ONLY LISTEN TO ME, PETER. 483 00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:14,243 I'M LOIS, I BRAKE FOR YARD SALES 484 00:17:14,326 --> 00:17:16,411 BUT I DON'T LET PETER BUY ANYTHING HE LIKES 485 00:17:16,495 --> 00:17:18,247 LIKE THAT NARRAGANSET BEER SIGN 486 00:17:18,330 --> 00:17:20,415 WHERE THE HOT CHICK HAS TWO MUGS FOR JUGS. 487 00:17:20,499 --> 00:17:22,417 IT WAS EIGHT FREAKIN' DOLLARS 488 00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:24,044 AND WE HAVE A DOZEN PLACES TO PUT IT! 489 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:25,295 OOH, OOH, ME NEXT, ME NEXT. 490 00:17:25,379 --> 00:17:26,880 I'M THE DOG. 491 00:17:26,964 --> 00:17:29,675 I'M WELL-READ AND HAVE A DIVERSE STOCK PORTFOLIO 492 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:32,427 BUT I'M NOT ABOVE EATING GRASS CLIPPINGS AND REGURGITATING THEM 493 00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:34,763 ON THE SMALL BRAIDED RUG NEAR THE DOOR. 494 00:17:34,847 --> 00:17:36,598 I'M A POMPOUS LITTLE ANTI-CHRIST 495 00:17:36,682 --> 00:17:39,142 WHO WILL PROBABLY ABANDON MY PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION 496 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,687 WHEN I GROW UP AND FALL IN LOVE WITH A ROUGH TRICK NAMED JIM. 497 00:17:54,658 --> 00:17:56,410 WHOA, WHOA, PETER, CALM DOWN. 498 00:17:56,535 --> 00:17:58,787 I'M SICK OF LOIS' ANGER MANAGEMENT TECHNIQUES. 499 00:17:58,871 --> 00:18:00,455 THEY'RE NOT WORKING. 500 00:18:00,539 --> 00:18:02,124 WHAT ABOUT THE WRITING ANGRY LETTERS 501 00:18:02,207 --> 00:18:03,625 AND NOT SENDING THEM EXERCISE? 502 00:18:03,709 --> 00:18:05,419 OH, GEEZ, I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SEND THOSE? 503 00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:07,337 Meg: HEY, LOOK, I GOT A LETTER FROM DAD. 504 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:10,549 "DEAR MEG, FOR THE FIRST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIFE 505 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:11,925 I THOUGHT YOU WERE A HOUSE CAT." 506 00:18:12,009 --> 00:18:13,093 DAD! 507 00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,970 "DEAR STEWIE, GET OUT." 508 00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:16,263 OH, THAT'S NICE. 509 00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,223 MINE JUST SAYS "DEAR LOIS" 510 00:18:18,307 --> 00:18:19,850 AND AFTER THAT IT LOOKS LIKE 511 00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:21,476 SOMEONE JUST SPIT ON THE PAPER. 512 00:18:21,560 --> 00:18:23,061 YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY TO ME? 513 00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:24,897 YEAH, "P.S..." 514 00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:27,191 ( sustained snorting ) 515 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,359 OH, OH, HOLD ON A SEC. 516 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:30,736 ( hawking loudly ) 517 00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,654 HOLD ON, HOLD ON, RELAX, EVERYBODY RELAX. 518 00:18:32,738 --> 00:18:35,115 ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I WAS HOPING IT WOULDN'T COME TO THIS 519 00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:36,867 BUT WE NEED TO GET OUR ANGER UNDER CONTROL 520 00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:38,410 BEFORE WE KILL EACH OTHER. 521 00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,370 NOW MY PSYCHIATRIST GAVE ME THESE PILLS. 522 00:18:40,454 --> 00:18:41,663 THEY'RE MOOD ELEVATORS. 523 00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:44,208 I THINK THEY COULD HELP, UH... EVEN US OUT. 524 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,459 WE'RE NOT TAKING PILLS. 525 00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,002 IT'S NOT NATURAL. 526 00:18:47,085 --> 00:18:49,338 NEITHER IS BLEACHING THE HAIR ON YOUR UPPER LIP, MARTIN MULL. 527 00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:50,964 GIVE US THE PILLS. 528 00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:57,721 ( chanting ): ♪♪ AH-OOM, BOP-BOP, AH-OOM, BOP-BOP ♪♪ 529 00:18:57,804 --> 00:19:01,642 ♪♪ HEY, OH, MOTHER AFRICA! ♪ 530 00:19:01,725 --> 00:19:04,144 ♪♪ AH-OOM, BOP-BOP. ♪♪ 531 00:19:04,228 --> 00:19:06,021 AH, THAT WAS FUN. 532 00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,397 WHAT COUNTRY SHOULD WE DO NEXT? 533 00:19:07,481 --> 00:19:09,066 MONACO. 534 00:19:09,149 --> 00:19:10,943 OH, WAIT, THAT'S A PRINCIPALITY. 535 00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:12,027 ( laughing ) 536 00:19:12,361 --> 00:19:13,779 YOU GUYS WANT TO HEAR 537 00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:15,197 SOMETHING REALLY FUNNY? 538 00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,950 THOSE PILLS I GAVE YOU WERE PLACEBOS, SUGAR PILLS. 539 00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:20,911 ( laughing ) 540 00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:22,538 WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU TELLING ME 541 00:19:22,621 --> 00:19:25,332 I JUST SANG LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO FOR NOTHING? 542 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:27,960 DID IT KILL YOU TO BE MULTICULTURAL FOR A MINUTE? 543 00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:29,586 I-I-I DIED A LITTLE INSIDE, YES. 544 00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:30,921 YOU HAPPY NOW? 545 00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:34,091 DON'T YOU USE THAT TONE OF VOICE, YOU, YOU... 546 00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:35,759 WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY, FAT ASS? 547 00:19:35,843 --> 00:19:37,386 WIDE LOAD? DOUGH BOY? 548 00:19:37,469 --> 00:19:39,263 COUNTRY VIRTUOSO ROY CLARK? 549 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:41,223 HOW ABOUT ALL OF THE ABOVE? 550 00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:42,307 HOW'S THIS FOR A NAME-- 551 00:19:42,391 --> 00:19:43,976 MS. PONY EXPRESS IS IN. 552 00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:45,310 WHAT DO YOU GOT FOR ME, JOE? 553 00:19:45,394 --> 00:19:46,979 OH, LET ME SEE HERE. UH, IT'S HERE SOMEWHERE. 554 00:19:47,062 --> 00:19:48,272 UH, YEAH, HERE WE ARE. 555 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:51,024 A BIG BAG OF LIVER SPOTS FOR LOIS. 556 00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:54,611 YOU... YOU JUST HIT ME. 557 00:19:54,695 --> 00:19:56,530 THAT'S RIGHT. 558 00:19:56,613 --> 00:19:58,991 YOU CAN'T HIT ME. 559 00:19:59,074 --> 00:20:00,200 I'M A GIRL. 560 00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:01,410 SOMETIMES I WONDER. 561 00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:04,746 ( gasps ) 562 00:20:04,913 --> 00:20:06,540 KICKING, LOIS? 563 00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,292 HUH. HURTS, DOESN'T IT? 564 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:09,751 YOU TELL ME. 565 00:20:09,835 --> 00:20:10,836 OW! OW! OW! 566 00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:11,920 OW! OH! 567 00:20:15,591 --> 00:20:17,092 GO, DAD! 568 00:20:17,176 --> 00:20:18,385 KICK HER ASS! 569 00:20:18,468 --> 00:20:20,637 SHUT UP, THIS IS ALL DAD'S FAULT. 570 00:20:20,721 --> 00:20:22,306 I DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED! 571 00:20:30,898 --> 00:20:32,065 ( screaming ) 572 00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,570 OW! OW! 573 00:20:41,909 --> 00:20:43,785 ( screaming ) 574 00:20:45,329 --> 00:20:47,789 OOH! OW! OW! 575 00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:56,131 ( screaming ) 576 00:21:04,056 --> 00:21:06,058 ( laughing) 577 00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:09,186 ( all laughing ) 578 00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,537 MAN, I'M GLAD WE GOT THAT OUT OF OUR SYSTEMS. 579 00:21:26,662 --> 00:21:28,121 I WONDER WHAT CAME OVER US? 580 00:21:28,205 --> 00:21:30,249 MAYBE PEOPLE ARE JUST NATURALLY VIOLENT. 581 00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:31,875 I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. 582 00:21:31,959 --> 00:21:33,794 I THINK IT'S ALL THE TV WE WATCH. 583 00:21:33,877 --> 00:21:35,254 THERE'S SO MUCH VIOLENCE. 584 00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:37,422 YEAH, TV IS DANGEROUS. 585 00:21:37,506 --> 00:21:39,550 WHY THE HELL DOESN'T THE GOVERNMENT STEP IN 586 00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,885 AND TELL US WHAT WE CAN AND CAN'T WATCH? 587 00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:44,471 AND SHAME ON THE NETWORK THAT PUTS THIS JUNK ON THE AIR. 588 00:21:44,555 --> 00:21:46,098 UH, PETER, PETER, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T 589 00:21:46,181 --> 00:21:48,058 SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT THE NETWORK. 590 00:21:48,141 --> 00:21:49,810 WHY, WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO, CUT OUR BUDGET? 591 00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:51,562 I'M GOING TO GO GET A BEER.