1 00:00:01,752 --> 00:00:05,464 ♪♪ It seems today that all you see ♪♪ 2 00:00:05,547 --> 00:00:08,467 ♪♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪♪ 3 00:00:08,550 --> 00:00:12,179 ♪♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪♪ 4 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:15,015 ♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪ 5 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:18,602 ♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪ 6 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:21,855 ♪♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪♪ 7 00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,357 ♪♪ All the things that make us ♪♪ 8 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,025 ♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪ 9 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:30,030 ♪♪ He's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪ 10 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:36,203 Well, on the whole, I enjoy my job as a pharmacist. 11 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:39,790 In fact, many of my customers are your mommies and daddies. 12 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,293 Jimmy Hopkins, your mother had awful postpartum depression 13 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,378 after you were born. 14 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,463 And Danielle, your father had bad 15 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,466 very bad hemorrhoids that stung him unmerciful. 16 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:50,884 Oh, they were awful. 17 00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:54,137 They were like stinky little balloons. Oh! 18 00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,849 And I gave him some special ointment 19 00:00:56,932 --> 00:00:58,684 and he hurt so bad 20 00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,895 that he had to apply it in the car with his sock. 21 00:01:03,188 --> 00:01:04,273 Thank you. 22 00:01:04,356 --> 00:01:05,649 Cool! I want to be a pharmacist. 23 00:01:05,732 --> 00:01:06,900 Oh, yeah! 24 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,151 Thank you, Mr. Goldman. 25 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,195 And our final speaker is Mr. Peter Griffin. 26 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:11,321 Yay! 27 00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:12,739 Hey, kids! 28 00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,449 Hey, hey, you know what I do? 29 00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:17,327 I work in a toy factory, and you know what I do there? 30 00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:20,581 I bet you're just one of those low-level assembly line guys 31 00:01:20,664 --> 00:01:23,125 who stand there all day, screwing heads on dolls! 32 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,251 "Ooh, is it on straight? 33 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,335 I don't know." 34 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:26,712 Boo! 35 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,046 Why you little snot-nosed...! 36 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,965 Mr. Griffin! 37 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,092 ( quietly ): He plays kickball in the park after school. 38 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:33,302 Get him there. 39 00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:34,761 So does anyone have any question? 40 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:37,347 Yeah. Can we listen to the claims adjuster again? 41 00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:38,932 ( cheering ) 42 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:44,897 MAN ( over TV ): Welcome back to Quahog Five News. 43 00:01:44,980 --> 00:01:46,190 And now, here's Ollie Williams 44 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:48,192 with the Blaccu-Weather forecast. Ollie? 45 00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:49,401 It's going to rain! 46 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:50,485 Thanks, Ollie. 47 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:51,820 And finally, we go live 48 00:01:51,904 --> 00:01:53,280 to Asian reporter, Tricia Takanawa 49 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,490 interviewing a guy from the upcoming Renaissance Faire. 50 00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:56,575 Tricia? 51 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:57,910 Thanks, Tom. 52 00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,203 Sir, for those viewers 53 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,121 who aren't familiar with the tradition 54 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:03,332 can you tell us about the Renaissance Faire? 55 00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,334 Yea, but first, bride of Ghengis 56 00:02:05,417 --> 00:02:06,919 thou must explainest to me 57 00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:09,129 thy very peculiar electronic wand. 58 00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:11,840 ( eerily ): Ooh! 59 00:02:11,924 --> 00:02:14,551 All right, Rupert, are you ready to hear our Mad Lib? 60 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,969 ( clears throat ) 61 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:19,181 "Cinderella had three wicked stepwatermelons 62 00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,475 who were very smelly to her 63 00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:25,604 so her fairy god toilet turned a pumpkin into a fanny.. 64 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,731 and sent her off to the poop. 65 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,775 ( laughing ) 66 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:32,528 Oh, my, how ruthlessly absurd! 67 00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:34,238 LOIS: Peter! 68 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,323 How was your big presentation at Chris' class? 69 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:38,116 Oh, it was a huge waste of time. 70 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,535 Well, it couldn't have been that bad. 71 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:41,203 Oh, it was terrible. 72 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,121 Everyone else there had some big, important job 73 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,915 and was way more successful than me. 74 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,500 Hey, come on, y-y-you have... 75 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,001 you have a great job. 76 00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:50,587 Yeah. You-You're doing... you're doing... 77 00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:51,797 you're doing good. 78 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,465 Peter, if you're not satisfied 79 00:02:53,549 --> 00:02:54,758 then be more assertive. 80 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,260 Invite Mr. Weed over for dinner 81 00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,595 and show him what you have to offer the company. 82 00:02:58,679 --> 00:02:59,680 Yeah, I guess I could. 83 00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:01,181 I just hope it goes okay. 84 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:03,016 We've had some bad luck with dinner guests. 85 00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:04,810 You remember when Margot Kidder was here? 86 00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:07,646 Oh, we loved you in the Superman movies. 87 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,398 You were just wonderful! 88 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,692 ( hysterical screaming ) 89 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,783 ( continues screaming ) 90 00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:24,746 Mr. Weed, I, uh, was wondering if maybe you'd like 91 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,416 to come over to my house for dinner Friday night. 92 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:28,792 Huh. That wasn't so hard. 93 00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,002 WEED: Well, what time? 94 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,420 Uh, I don't know. 7:30, 8:00? 95 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,629 Fabulous! 96 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:33,714 What shall I bring? 97 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:35,966 Peter, calm down. 98 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,384 Everything's going to be fine. 99 00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:39,011 Ah, I hope so, 'cause if I blow this 100 00:03:39,094 --> 00:03:40,762 I'm going to have to go back to my old job 101 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:41,930 at the "Electric Company." 102 00:03:42,014 --> 00:03:44,641 ( simple, rhythmic tune ) 103 00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:49,229 Bet. I-I knew that. 104 00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,439 Slow it down, will you? 105 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,234 Pit. Come on, pal, it's my first day. 106 00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:57,613 Oh, that's it, buddy! 107 00:03:57,696 --> 00:03:58,822 ( grunting ) 108 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,532 ( choking ) 109 00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:01,617 ( doorbell rings ) 110 00:04:01,700 --> 00:04:02,951 That must be him. 111 00:04:03,035 --> 00:04:04,536 Oh, God! I hope that thing doesn't happen 112 00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:05,954 where I get nervous 113 00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:07,539 and I can't control the volume of my voice. 114 00:04:07,623 --> 00:04:09,333 Hello, Peter. How are you? 115 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:10,542 ( yelling : Fine! 116 00:04:10,626 --> 00:04:11,752 ( softly ): Please come in. 117 00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:14,505 It's so nice to have you over, Mr. Weed. 118 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,256 Thank you, Mrs. Griffin. 119 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:18,634 I understand that you have a beautiful family. 120 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:21,595 Yes, we do, but the children won't be joining us for dinner. 121 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:22,804 It's almost their bedtime. 122 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:25,140 ( blows tuning whistle ) 123 00:04:27,559 --> 00:04:28,560 State your names. 124 00:04:28,644 --> 00:04:29,686 Meg. 125 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:30,771 Chris. 126 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,064 And I'm Liesl. 127 00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,774 Mr. Weed, the Griffin children 128 00:04:33,857 --> 00:04:35,692 would like to say good night to you. 129 00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,903 ( peppy intro plays ) 130 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:46,828 ♪♪ So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen ♪♪ 131 00:04:46,912 --> 00:04:50,666 ♪♪ I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne ♪♪ 132 00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:51,875 Yes? 133 00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,085 No. 134 00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:01,844 ♪♪ So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good-bye ♪♪ 135 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:06,139 ♪♪ I leave and heave a sigh and say good-bye ♪♪ 136 00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:10,018 ( in falsetto ): ♪♪ Good-bye ♪♪ 137 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:19,403 ♪♪ The sun has gone ♪♪ 138 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:24,950 ♪♪ To bed and so must I ♪♪ 139 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:30,330 ♪♪ So long, farewell ♪♪ 140 00:05:30,414 --> 00:05:35,794 ♪♪ Auf wiedersehen, good-bye ♪ 141 00:05:35,878 --> 00:05:40,966 ♪♪ Good-bye ♪♪ 142 00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:46,013 ♪♪ Good-bye ♪♪ 143 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:51,602 ♪♪ Good-bye ♪♪ 144 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:56,148 ♪♪ Good-bye. ♪♪ 145 00:05:59,818 --> 00:06:03,113 Mmm! Who would think that a woman with such beauty 146 00:06:03,197 --> 00:06:05,157 would also have the culinary skills 147 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,408 of Emeril Lagasse? 148 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:07,993 Oh, well, thank you. 149 00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:09,161 Bam! 150 00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:10,245 ( laughing ) 151 00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:11,330 Oh... 152 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:12,414 ( clears throat ) 153 00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,541 Peter, don't you have something to say to Mr. Weed? 154 00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:15,751 Oh, yeah. 155 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,211 Uh, Mr. Weed 156 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,962 I don't care what the guys at work say. 157 00:06:19,046 --> 00:06:20,380 I never thought 158 00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:21,882 you were an effeminate weirdo. 159 00:06:21,965 --> 00:06:24,510 Uh-uh, so, uh, wh-what kind of a name is "Weed"? 160 00:06:24,593 --> 00:06:27,095 They gave it to my grandfather on Ellis Island. 161 00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:29,389 Our original name was Bermudagrass. 162 00:06:29,473 --> 00:06:32,684 Peter, being here with your wonderful family 163 00:06:32,768 --> 00:06:36,063 your beautiful home and your funny-talking dog 164 00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,231 well, I'm impressed. 165 00:06:37,314 --> 00:06:38,941 In fact, starting Monday 166 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,609 I would like to promote you to Head of Toy Development. 167 00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:41,693 ( coughs ) 168 00:06:41,777 --> 00:06:42,903 Holy crap! 169 00:06:42,986 --> 00:06:44,780 Ah, thanks, Mr. Weed! Oh, you won't be sorry! 170 00:06:44,863 --> 00:06:46,406 ( gasping ) 171 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,408 Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me here. 172 00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:50,160 Peter, Brian's choking! 173 00:06:50,244 --> 00:06:52,412 Do the Heimlich maneuver! Quick! 174 00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:53,539 ( spits ) 175 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:54,998 ( choking ) 176 00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,792 ( yells ) 177 00:06:58,085 --> 00:06:59,253 He's dead! 178 00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:00,921 ( both gasp ) 179 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,714 ( screaming ) 180 00:07:02,798 --> 00:07:04,216 Forgot my purse. 181 00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:06,134 ( continues screaming ) 182 00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:11,682 Let's not panic! Nobody even knows yet. 183 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:12,850 MAN: Police! 184 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,017 Random Dead Body Search! 185 00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:15,686 Oh, my God, Lois, stall them! 186 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,020 Peter, what are you doing? 187 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,648 Just-just stall them, Lois! 188 00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:21,859 ( flushing ) 189 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,861 Ha, ha! Gotcha! 190 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:24,945 It's just me, Death. 191 00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:26,029 I'm here for the body. 192 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:27,865 Oh, Peter, it's okay. 193 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:28,949 It's just Death. 194 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:30,492 Ah, thank God! 195 00:07:30,576 --> 00:07:32,369 Uh, hey, did someone choke on a roll in here? 196 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,829 Oh, no, no, no, I-I-I spit it up. 197 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:36,248 Oh. 198 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,457 Recapping our top story: 199 00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:39,209 Doreen, I lost your phone number. 200 00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:40,878 We met at the Sky Lounge last night. 201 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,254 Please call me. 202 00:07:42,337 --> 00:07:44,631 In other news, toy industrialist, Jonathan Weed 203 00:07:44,715 --> 00:07:47,134 was found dead last night in the home of an employee 204 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,094 who claims Weed choked on a dinner roll. 205 00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:51,388 No charges will be filed against the employee 206 00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,849 but the dinner roll has been taken into police custody. 207 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:03,275 I'd do her, do her, wouldn't do her... 208 00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,194 uh, who hasn't done her! 209 00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:08,238 Do her, lose the pigtails and we'll talk. 210 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:09,573 Do her, do her... 211 00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,284 And now, the last man to see Jonathan Weed alive 212 00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,036 has offered to say a few words. 213 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:15,954 Good afternoon, everyone. 214 00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,457 As you know, we of the Christian faith 215 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:21,126 believe that Jesus is not really dead 216 00:08:21,210 --> 00:08:24,880 but that he must let the world think that he is dead... 217 00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:28,342 until he can find a way to control the raging spirit 218 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:29,885 that dwells within him. 219 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:33,013 ( humming ominous tune ) 220 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,808 Anyway, right before he died 221 00:08:36,892 --> 00:08:39,686 uh, Mr. Weed promoted me to Head of Toy Development 222 00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:42,272 and I've brought along my attorney who confirms 223 00:08:42,356 --> 00:08:44,608 that this constitutes a verbal contract. 224 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:45,776 Isn't that right, Saul? 225 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,528 Yes, sir. Verbal contract. 226 00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:48,612 Thank you. 227 00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:52,741 Glad to see you all found your way over from the cemetery. 228 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,743 I'm Leonard Hale, Mr. Weed's lawyer. 229 00:08:54,826 --> 00:08:57,287 We found this tape among Mr. Weed's personal effects 230 00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:59,164 with instructions that it be screened 231 00:08:59,248 --> 00:09:00,916 immediately following his funeral. 232 00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:02,417 Enjoy. 233 00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:03,544 MAN ( singsong ): Good morning! 234 00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:05,170 Camera time. 235 00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:07,172 Turn that off. I don't have my face on yet. I'm ugly. 236 00:09:07,256 --> 00:09:08,632 You want to tell us a little something 237 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:09,967 about what you're making there? 238 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,927 I will tell you, it's just a couple of eggs 239 00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,679 with the peppers left over from last night. 240 00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:14,972 ( both chuckle mischievously) 241 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,598 Yes. Okay, now playtime is over. 242 00:09:16,682 --> 00:09:17,975 Turn it off, monkey, okay? 243 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,602 ( clears throat ) 244 00:09:20,686 --> 00:09:21,854 Hello, friends. 245 00:09:21,937 --> 00:09:23,814 If you are watching this, I am dead 246 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,566 and I bet you're pretty bummed. 247 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,693 But I have good news. Yeah? 248 00:09:27,776 --> 00:09:31,321 The Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Factory shall be torn down to make way 249 00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:33,782 for the Happy-Go-Lucky Terminal Disease Institute. 250 00:09:33,866 --> 00:09:34,908 What?! 251 00:09:34,992 --> 00:09:35,993 The demolition 252 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,411 will begin in... now. 253 00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,835 Okay, we've got your typing test here 254 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:48,172 and all the pertinent data about your, um... 255 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:51,592 um, you know, your background and-and, um... 256 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:52,801 uh, skills... 257 00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:55,012 and... 258 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,555 And? 259 00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,849 You know, I-I got to be honest with you. 260 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:01,018 I-I only have another week and a half here 261 00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,061 and I-I have completely checked out. 262 00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:04,146 Oh. 263 00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:05,772 Yeah. 264 00:10:05,856 --> 00:10:07,691 Well, what should I do? 265 00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:10,235 Um... 266 00:10:10,319 --> 00:10:12,237 ( blowing softly ) 267 00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:14,156 Chef? 268 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,663 Oh, sorry, we're out of towels. 269 00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:23,457 Uh, l-let me get that for you, sir. 270 00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,042 ( blowing loud) 271 00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:30,672 ( gasping ) 272 00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,603 What, I'm supposed to pay two bucks for stickers 273 00:10:44,686 --> 00:10:45,687 'cause this guy can't hear?! 274 00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,105 Come on! 275 00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:48,524 Hey, I might be deaf, but I have feelings! 276 00:10:48,607 --> 00:10:51,109 Oh, uh, I-I mean... 277 00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:53,153 What? 278 00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:55,405 Has Dad found a permanent job yet? 279 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,742 Meg, your father's going through a bit of a career transition. 280 00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,410 He's just sampling a few things 281 00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:03,247 searching for something that fits him just right. 282 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,041 Well, clearly it's not that tube top. 283 00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:08,418 Hey, looking for a good time, sweet cheeks? 284 00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:09,878 Oh, my God! 285 00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:11,630 Peter, get in the car! 286 00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,716 Okay, but it'll cost you. You want a Cleveland Steamer? 287 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,469 I said, get in the ca... What's a Cleveland Steamer? 288 00:11:17,553 --> 00:11:19,388 -It means that he'll... -Whoa, whoa. Be cool. Be cool. 289 00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:22,808 Yes, you go to Maple Street and then take a left 290 00:11:22,891 --> 00:11:24,935 and then, uh... you go, uh... 291 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,311 Okay, so you want a party or what? 292 00:11:26,395 --> 00:11:27,688 Get in this car right now! 293 00:11:30,816 --> 00:11:32,401 It's eerie, isn't it? 294 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,278 Like looking into the future. 295 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:36,780 MAN: Forgetful Freddy 296 00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:37,948 was so forgetful... 297 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,533 AUDIENCE: How forgetful was he? 298 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,201 He was so forgetful 299 00:11:41,285 --> 00:11:43,120 whenever he tried to remember someone's name 300 00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:44,997 he drew a... blank. 301 00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,543 Oh, God, this is all my fault. 302 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:51,003 If I hadn't pushed you so hard 303 00:11:51,086 --> 00:11:52,546 to invite Mr. Weed to dinner 304 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:53,672 he'd still be alive 305 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:55,048 and you'd still have your job. 306 00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,009 Don't worry, Lois, we'll get through this. 307 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,011 We-we just have to scrimp a little, that's all. 308 00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:01,013 You know, sell some stuff we don't really need. 309 00:12:01,096 --> 00:12:02,556 This will bring in a couple of bucks. 310 00:12:02,639 --> 00:12:04,183 Peter, please, listen to me! 311 00:12:04,266 --> 00:12:05,601 When we got married 312 00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:07,311 you always talked about your one dream job. 313 00:12:07,394 --> 00:12:08,896 Remember? 314 00:12:08,979 --> 00:12:10,522 And you put that dream aside 315 00:12:10,606 --> 00:12:12,107 in order to provide for this family. 316 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,317 Yeah? 317 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,526 Well, I've saved some money 318 00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:15,986 from teaching piano 319 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,738 and I say, this is the perfect time 320 00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,114 for you to pursue that dream. 321 00:12:19,198 --> 00:12:20,407 -Really? -Yes! 322 00:12:20,532 --> 00:12:22,910 Wow. You know, s-since money's getting tight 323 00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:24,703 I was going to suggest that we eat the kids. 324 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,288 You know, I mean, like jokingly at first 325 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:28,040 but then I was going to gauge your reaction 326 00:12:28,123 --> 00:12:29,416 and-and if you were cool with it 327 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,126 then, uh, you know, we could go from there 328 00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:32,461 but this is a much better idea. 329 00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:33,879 I'm going to do it, Lois! 330 00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,380 I'm going to realize my dream! 331 00:12:35,464 --> 00:12:38,550 I am going to be a Renaissance Faire jouster. 332 00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:40,969 Oh, Peter! 333 00:12:41,053 --> 00:12:42,804 ( screams ) 334 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,101 LOIS: Oh, this is so exciting! 335 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:49,895 My little jousters first day. 336 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,146 Here's your lunch. 337 00:12:51,230 --> 00:12:52,523 Thanks, honey. 338 00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:53,982 Oh, egg salad?! 339 00:12:54,066 --> 00:12:55,234 Have a good time. 340 00:12:55,317 --> 00:12:56,777 Yeah, I'll try. 341 00:12:58,862 --> 00:12:59,988 Hey, Mort! 342 00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:01,573 Oh God, don't hurt me! 343 00:13:01,657 --> 00:13:03,242 Oh, hi, Peter. 344 00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,118 Hey, you're going to be a jouster, too? 345 00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:07,621 Yes, I'm trying to overcome my fear of swords 346 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:10,457 because a man in a pirate suit stabbed me in the ear 347 00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:11,708 when I was five. 348 00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:13,627 And then again when I was 30. 349 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,003 What about you, the same? 350 00:13:15,087 --> 00:13:16,255 Nah, not really. 351 00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:19,258 It kind of all goes back to when I was 18. 352 00:13:19,341 --> 00:13:21,468 I was going through that rebellious phase and, uh... 353 00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:23,762 I was hanging out with a bad crowd. 354 00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,556 Here, Peter. 355 00:13:25,639 --> 00:13:26,807 Try one of these. 356 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:27,975 What is it? 357 00:13:28,058 --> 00:13:30,143 It's a cheeseburger. 358 00:13:30,227 --> 00:13:32,896 ( laughter ) 359 00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,107 Of course, now I know it wasn't a cheeseburger. 360 00:13:35,190 --> 00:13:39,611 But at that time, I was ready to believe anything. 361 00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:41,864 I didn't know what the hell was going on. 362 00:13:41,947 --> 00:13:43,365 I wandered around for hours 363 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,158 and somehow ended up at the Renaissance Faire. 364 00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,160 I can fly! 365 00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:48,537 Oh my God! 366 00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:55,210 I was saved by the one and only Black Knight 367 00:13:55,294 --> 00:13:57,296 of the Quahog Renaissance Faire. 368 00:13:57,379 --> 00:13:58,839 A word of advice: 369 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,300 the path to knighthood is paved with strength and nobility 370 00:14:01,383 --> 00:14:05,053 not LSD and sideburns. 371 00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:07,264 And from that moment on, I knew someday 372 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:10,309 I wanted to be a knight like him. 373 00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:14,229 Ah, mercy, I was once addicted to antihistamines. 374 00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:17,608 I took so many I thought I was Mr. Peanut. 375 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:19,610 Ah, that's a great story, too. 376 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:22,613 So, you all think you got what it takes to be jousters?! 377 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,907 If you're going to joust, you got to want it! 378 00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,533 Let me hear your war cry! 379 00:14:26,617 --> 00:14:28,160 Ehhhh, uhhhh... 380 00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,329 Is that the best you got, you pile of crap?! 381 00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:32,080 Yes. 382 00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:34,708 From an early age, my parents discouraged loud noises... 383 00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:35,959 You know what you are? 384 00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,044 You're a candy-assed maggot! 385 00:14:37,127 --> 00:14:38,504 ( chuckling ) 386 00:14:38,587 --> 00:14:40,130 -You find something funny, maggot?! -Sir, no sir! 387 00:14:40,214 --> 00:14:42,257 You love the Middle Ages, don't you?! 388 00:14:42,341 --> 00:14:43,383 Sir, yes, sir! 389 00:14:43,467 --> 00:14:45,469 The concept of a geocentric universe 390 00:14:45,552 --> 00:14:47,513 gets you sexually excited, doesn't it! 391 00:14:47,596 --> 00:14:48,680 Sir, yes, sir! 392 00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:50,224 You want to make 393 00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:51,934 16th Century mathematician Johannes Kepler 394 00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:53,227 your bitch, don't you! 395 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:54,561 Sir, yes, sir! 396 00:14:54,686 --> 00:14:55,687 Welcome, apprentices! 397 00:14:55,771 --> 00:14:56,897 ( gasps ) 398 00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:57,981 It's him! 399 00:14:58,065 --> 00:14:59,399 Look alive, ladies. 400 00:14:59,483 --> 00:15:01,568 Allow me to introduce the best of the best: 401 00:15:01,652 --> 00:15:03,195 the Black Knight himself! 402 00:15:04,655 --> 00:15:07,199 And this is his trophy wench, Maid Madeline! 403 00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,874 Ding. 404 00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:21,922 Uh, excuse me, uh, Mister Black Knight? 405 00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:23,507 I'm busy. 406 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,133 Oh, well, uh, I-I just wanted to thank you. 407 00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:26,385 I, I don't know if you remember 408 00:15:26,468 --> 00:15:28,095 but, uh, when I was a kid you helped me 409 00:15:28,178 --> 00:15:29,763 get my life back on the right path. 410 00:15:29,847 --> 00:15:31,056 Ah! 411 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:32,307 Damn it! 412 00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:33,684 Look, I'm busy, all right?! 413 00:15:33,767 --> 00:15:34,852 Oh, okay, I'll come back later. 414 00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:36,436 Damn rookies. 415 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,439 Are all the other men out of the shower yet? 416 00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,111 Hey, you, Porker. 417 00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:46,071 Yes, I'm calling you a porker 418 00:15:46,154 --> 00:15:47,865 and there's nothing you can do about it 419 00:15:47,948 --> 00:15:49,032 because I'm protected 420 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,826 by my impenetrable cereal box fort. 421 00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:52,286 ( evil laugh ) 422 00:15:52,411 --> 00:15:53,453 Hey, you, Drunky. 423 00:15:53,537 --> 00:15:54,538 Yes, that's right. 424 00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:55,789 I'm calling you Drunky 425 00:15:55,873 --> 00:15:57,082 and there's nothing you can do about it 426 00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,208 because I'm protect... 427 00:15:58,292 --> 00:15:59,293 Ah! 428 00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:01,545 Oh, the toast is ready. 429 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,796 PETER: I'll get it, Lois. 430 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,135 There you go. 431 00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,929 Uh, Peter, maybe you shouldn't bring your lance to the table. 432 00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,514 Lois, if I'm going to get good enough 433 00:16:12,598 --> 00:16:13,932 to impress the Black Knight 434 00:16:14,016 --> 00:16:15,475 my lance must be with me at all times. 435 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,102 Aw, you guys are going to be so proud 436 00:16:17,186 --> 00:16:18,812 when you see me out on that field. 437 00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:20,898 Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go practice. 438 00:16:20,981 --> 00:16:22,858 ( screaming in pain ) 439 00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:23,984 Ow, Dad, my earring! 440 00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:26,445 Stop! Ah! 441 00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:30,032 Uh, yeah, two mutton joints, please. 442 00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,867 Oh, thou wishest to feast 443 00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:34,286 on the appendage of the humble ovine. 444 00:16:34,369 --> 00:16:36,830 Listen, you freak, we don't all watch Frasier, okay? 445 00:16:36,914 --> 00:16:39,166 Now give me two mutton joints. 446 00:16:39,249 --> 00:16:40,667 Thank you! 447 00:16:53,889 --> 00:16:57,142 'Tis a glorious afternoon, wouldst thou not agree? 448 00:16:57,226 --> 00:16:59,978 Uh, uh, uh... yea, kind shrew. 449 00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:05,484 Uh, I... before... thee... except after C." 450 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:08,779 Wouldst thou take a gander underneath my frock? 451 00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,572 Uh... uh, sure. 452 00:17:10,656 --> 00:17:12,115 Whatever floats your boat. 453 00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:17,579 There you go. 454 00:17:17,663 --> 00:17:18,872 Geez, freaking perverts. 455 00:17:18,956 --> 00:17:20,123 Madeline! 456 00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,042 Go wait in the Hyundai! 457 00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:23,752 What were you doing with my girl?! 458 00:17:23,836 --> 00:17:25,754 Huh? Oh, oh, geez. 459 00:17:25,838 --> 00:17:27,923 She walks over here and asks me to put a bird in her panties. 460 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,633 I'm standing here going, "What the hell?" 461 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:30,717 ( grunts ) Oh, God! 462 00:17:30,801 --> 00:17:31,885 Peter, play dead! 463 00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,178 Curl up in an ass-ball or something! 464 00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:34,888 What-what's the problem, B.K.? 465 00:17:34,972 --> 00:17:35,973 I don't like you. 466 00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,432 I don't like your face 467 00:17:37,516 --> 00:17:39,268 and I don't like you hanging around my girl. 468 00:17:39,351 --> 00:17:41,270 I don't ever want to see you here again. 469 00:17:41,353 --> 00:17:42,563 Oh. 470 00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:44,356 Okay, so we, but we can see each other 471 00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:45,983 outside the fair, right? 472 00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,651 I'm just trying to understand the rules here. 473 00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:49,945 If I see you again, I'll kill you. 474 00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:51,321 Okay, that's much clearer. 475 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,701 Oh God, I think I just miscarried! 476 00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:00,205 Peter, what are you doing? 477 00:18:00,289 --> 00:18:03,000 I spent hours soldering that costume for you. 478 00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:04,626 I don't need it anymore, Lois. 479 00:18:04,710 --> 00:18:05,711 I quit the team. 480 00:18:05,794 --> 00:18:07,004 Quit the team? 481 00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:08,630 But you can't quit jousting. 482 00:18:08,714 --> 00:18:09,882 The big meet is today 483 00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:10,966 and I thought you were.. 484 00:18:11,049 --> 00:18:12,050 ( laughing ) 485 00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:13,135 Did you just say "big meet?" 486 00:18:13,218 --> 00:18:14,636 ( giggling ) 487 00:18:14,720 --> 00:18:15,888 Oh my God, I did. 488 00:18:15,971 --> 00:18:17,097 ( laughter ) 489 00:18:17,181 --> 00:18:19,766 Oh, we almost missed that one. 490 00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:21,143 I know, that was a close one. 491 00:18:21,226 --> 00:18:23,187 But I'm being serious here, Peter. 492 00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,272 We were all set to come see you joust today. 493 00:18:25,355 --> 00:18:26,607 You were so excited 494 00:18:26,690 --> 00:18:28,692 to be on the same field as the Black Knight. 495 00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,653 Well, I'm going to be watching it from the stands, Lois. 496 00:18:31,737 --> 00:18:34,072 Because the Black Knight is just a big jerk. 497 00:18:34,156 --> 00:18:35,991 Just like that guy who fixed our vacuum. 498 00:18:36,074 --> 00:18:37,951 There you go, all fixed. 499 00:18:38,035 --> 00:18:40,537 Turns out a half-eaten meatball was clogging up the intake. 500 00:18:40,621 --> 00:18:41,997 Oh. 501 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:43,624 Well, did you save it? 502 00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:44,833 Uh, no. 503 00:18:44,917 --> 00:18:47,127 You bastard. 504 00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:52,716 DIANE: Well, it's an exciting day for all 505 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:54,259 here at the Renaissance Faire jousting meet. 506 00:18:54,343 --> 00:18:55,469 Wouldn't you say, Tom? 507 00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,095 Diane, I'd say it was a perfect day 508 00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:59,723 if you weren't reminding us all of our grandmothers' cleavage. 509 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,099 Now let's go live to the field 510 00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:02,559 where the Black Knight is preparing 511 00:19:02,643 --> 00:19:03,852 to challenge his next opponent. 512 00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:07,314 ( bugles blowing ) 513 00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:13,695 ( cheering ) 514 00:19:13,779 --> 00:19:16,240 ( chanting ): ♪♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪♪ 515 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:17,449 ♪♪ Hey! ♪♪ 516 00:19:17,533 --> 00:19:20,994 ♪♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh ♪♪ 517 00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:22,454 ♪♪ Hey! ♪♪ 518 00:19:22,538 --> 00:19:24,164 Hey. 519 00:19:24,248 --> 00:19:27,000 How you doing there, big guy? 520 00:19:27,084 --> 00:19:29,670 You holding up all right? 521 00:19:29,753 --> 00:19:32,798 You want a soda? 522 00:19:35,592 --> 00:19:37,094 Ah, screw it, I tried. 523 00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:38,887 The Black Knight's next challenger will be 524 00:19:39,096 --> 00:19:40,389 Sir Mort Goldman. 525 00:19:44,852 --> 00:19:46,061 ( whimpering ) 526 00:19:50,148 --> 00:19:51,692 Oh God, I forfeit! 527 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:53,652 TOM: Well, that's it, folks. 528 00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:55,988 It looks like the Black Knight is out of challengers 529 00:19:56,071 --> 00:19:57,781 and is once again undefeated. 530 00:19:57,865 --> 00:20:00,075 Hey, what's your fat ass doing here? 531 00:20:00,158 --> 00:20:02,202 He's my only means of conveyance. 532 00:20:02,286 --> 00:20:04,705 But I guess I do spoil him. 533 00:20:04,830 --> 00:20:05,956 Clearly, you do. 534 00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,958 And what are you doing here, Griffin? 535 00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,502 I thought I told you never to show your face here again! 536 00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:11,587 Hey, we're just watching. 537 00:20:11,670 --> 00:20:13,005 I don't want any trouble. 538 00:20:13,088 --> 00:20:14,756 Well, you got trouble if you don't beat it. 539 00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:15,841 Listen, buddy... 540 00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,426 I said, get lost! 541 00:20:18,302 --> 00:20:19,303 Where's he going? 542 00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,554 Dad! 543 00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:21,763 Let him go, kids. 544 00:20:21,847 --> 00:20:22,931 You see that, kids? 545 00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:24,975 Your father's nothing but a fizzle! 546 00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:27,895 Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! 547 00:20:29,146 --> 00:20:30,147 ( crowd gasps ) 548 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:31,231 Except that one guy 549 00:20:31,315 --> 00:20:32,357 who called me a fizzle 550 00:20:32,441 --> 00:20:33,483 and-and then ran off. 551 00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:34,568 He got away with it. 552 00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:35,903 But most people 553 00:20:35,986 --> 00:20:37,738 who call me a fizzle don't get away with it! 554 00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:40,240 Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was 555 00:20:40,324 --> 00:20:42,034 the only one who ever called me a fizzle. 556 00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:43,785 After today, only half the people 557 00:20:43,869 --> 00:20:46,622 who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it! 558 00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:49,041 It appears a new challenger has entered the field. 559 00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,751 The crowd has fallen deathly ill. 560 00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:52,169 Silent. Sorry. 561 00:21:06,642 --> 00:21:08,393 Oh my God, I'm going to die! 562 00:21:08,477 --> 00:21:10,687 Oh, ah, ah, to the owner of a yellow Hyundai-- 563 00:21:10,771 --> 00:21:11,855 your car is being towed. 564 00:21:11,939 --> 00:21:13,774 What?! 565 00:21:15,108 --> 00:21:16,527 I won! 566 00:21:16,610 --> 00:21:17,611 ( cheering ) 567 00:21:17,694 --> 00:21:19,988 Oh, Peter, that was amazing! 568 00:21:20,072 --> 00:21:21,823 You were so brave! 569 00:21:21,907 --> 00:21:23,450 Nice going, Dad! 570 00:21:23,534 --> 00:21:25,827 Oh, boy, that was lucky about the car, huh? 571 00:21:25,911 --> 00:21:27,663 Take that, you bastard! 572 00:21:27,746 --> 00:21:30,123 Nobody makes a fool out of Mort Goldman! 573 00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:32,751 Spectacular performance, maggot! 574 00:21:32,835 --> 00:21:34,753 How would you like to come on the road with us 575 00:21:34,837 --> 00:21:35,879 as our lead jouster? 576 00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:37,589 Thanks, but no thanks, Coach. 577 00:21:37,673 --> 00:21:38,966 I've lived my dream. 578 00:21:39,049 --> 00:21:42,177 And besides, my life is here with my family. 579 00:21:42,261 --> 00:21:43,971 But, Mom, what's Dad going to do for a job? 580 00:21:44,054 --> 00:21:45,389 LOIS: Oh, it'll be okay, Chris. 581 00:21:45,472 --> 00:21:47,182 Remember that episode of The Honeymooners 582 00:21:47,266 --> 00:21:48,684 when Ralph lost his job 583 00:21:48,767 --> 00:21:50,894 but at the end of the show he didn't get it back? 584 00:21:50,978 --> 00:21:52,813 PETER: Yeah, what was up with that? 585 00:21:52,896 --> 00:21:54,773 That bugged the crap out of me.