1
00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:05,506
♪♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪♪

2
00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:08,509
♪♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪♪

3
00:00:08,592 --> 00:00:12,221
♪♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪♪

4
00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:15,307
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪

5
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:18,644
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪

6
00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:21,855
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪♪

7
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,357
♪♪ All the things
that make us ♪♪

8
00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,108
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪

9
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:30,030
♪♪ He's...
a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪

10
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,867
Alan Adler, David Preshlack,
Julie Axelrod

11
00:00:33,951 --> 00:00:35,619
Shep Sutton, Scott McCormick.

12
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:37,746
And that concludes the list
of people who were mean to me

13
00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:38,872
in junior high.

14
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:40,165
Tomorrow, high school.

15
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:42,709
Finally, we go to Asian Reporter
Tricia Takanawa

16
00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,044
for 60 seconds of filler.

17
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,170
Thanks, Tom.

18
00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:46,880
I'm here on
Spooner Street

19
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,590
where several
Quahog families

20
00:00:48,674 --> 00:00:50,300
are holding a car wash

21
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:51,593
to raise money

22
00:00:51,677 --> 00:00:53,720
for an organ transplant
for young Paul Lewis.

23
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,848
So, what do you call
this device, Paul?

24
00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:57,933
It's an iron lung.
It keeps me from dying.

25
00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,227
I want to play baseball!

26
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:03,939
And with me is one of Paul's
classmates, Chris Griffin

27
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,108
who helped organize
this charity event.

28
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:08,277
You're a very thoughtful
young man, Chris.

29
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,070
C-can I say hello
to my mom?

30
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,196
Sure.

31
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,406
Hi, Mom!

32
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:13,907
Hi, sweetheart.

33
00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:16,326
Okay, so you want
the full wash, and, uh...

34
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,494
oh, you got a nick there.

35
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,162
I can probably
get that out for you.

36
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,498
Now, if you want
to go with a scent

37
00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:24,334
I've got "PB and J," "Sugar
Cereal," and "New Toy."

38
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,044
What the deuce?

39
00:01:26,128 --> 00:01:28,547
Hey, somebody dropped
their money clip.

40
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:29,756
Wow, $26.

41
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:33,427
I've never seen
so much money at one time!

42
00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,179
What do you think
we should do with it?

43
00:01:35,262 --> 00:01:39,349
I say we buy $26 worth
of ice cream and just pig out.

44
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:41,351
Oh, we can dish, talk about
who's getting fat--

45
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,312
oh, we'll just be
great big bitches.

46
00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:45,397
Hold on, kids, that's
not your money yet.

47
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,900
The law says you got to put
up signs and wait two weeks

48
00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:48,984
for someone
to claim it.

49
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:51,320
If no one does,
it's yours.

50
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,614
Ah, lunch is here.

51
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:57,993
Everyone,
we've reached our goal.

52
00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:02,164
It looks like somebody's
going to live to see puberty.

53
00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,415
Oh, my God, that man
just took our money!

54
00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,000
What man?

55
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,418
He-he was a wearing
a Jimmy Carter mask

56
00:02:06,502 --> 00:02:08,045
like that robber
in the Keanu Reeves movie.

57
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,129
The Matrix.

58
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:10,589
No, no, no.
It wasn't that recent.

59
00:02:10,672 --> 00:02:12,424
The one where they're
jumping out of the plane.

60
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:13,675
Executive Decision?

61
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:14,968
No, that was
with Kurt Russell.

62
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,261
But-but the other guy
in this movie

63
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:17,554
he kind of looks
like Kurt Russell.

64
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:18,639
He's getting away!

65
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,516
Don't worry. He won't get far.

66
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:21,600
( sirens blare )

67
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,061
Stop! Police!

68
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,335
( panting )

69
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,341
( gasping )

70
00:02:55,551 --> 00:02:56,552
Joe, what happened?

71
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,262
I got the money...

72
00:02:58,345 --> 00:02:59,346
( cheering )

73
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:00,806
but I lost the perp.

74
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,058
Well, the money's
the important thing.

75
00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,142
Now little Paul
can get his...

76
00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:06,270
Point Break!
That was the movie!

77
00:03:08,647 --> 00:03:12,067
Here's to Joe, who helped
little Paul get a new liver

78
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,653
and, barring
a massive infection

79
00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,697
a new lease on life.

80
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,365
Don't you understand?

81
00:03:18,490 --> 00:03:19,908
I lost the perp.

82
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,661
I lost the perp!

83
00:03:22,744 --> 00:03:25,247
( sobbing )

84
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,483
( continues sobbing )

85
00:04:22,471 --> 00:04:24,223
MEG:
So, um, the $26

86
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:26,183
would probably
be safe in my room.

87
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,893
( scoffing ):
Right-- it'd probably get lost

88
00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:29,686
among the pinups
of Justin Timberlake

89
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,022
and Tom Cruise and... oh, blast

90
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,691
who the devil
do the teenagers like?

91
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:37,319
Um, Morgan Freeman.

92
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,446
Well, we can't
keep it in my room

93
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:40,989
'cause there's
an evil monkey

94
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:42,241
that lives
in my closet.

95
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:48,413
You know, the sad part is,
he wasn't always evil.

96
00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:50,832
Honey, good news!

97
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,584
I made partner!

98
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:56,421
( screeching )

99
00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:59,299
( all screeching )

100
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,887
Peter, Bonnie says Joe's
been really depressed

101
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,138
about that robbery.

102
00:05:05,222 --> 00:05:07,099
Why don't you go
talk to him?

103
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,976
Well, I don't know.
There's a game on.

104
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:10,477
Shame on you.

105
00:05:10,561 --> 00:05:13,146
You march right over there
and cheer your old friend up.

106
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,314
Don't listen
to that sissy.

107
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:16,066
Grab a beer and
watch the game.

108
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,150
Yeah, that sounds good.

109
00:05:17,276 --> 00:05:18,360
( gunshot )

110
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:19,444
Oh, my God!

111
00:05:19,528 --> 00:05:20,946
Now, get your fat ass
over to Joe's.

112
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,072
Look, buddy, I-I...
Move!

113
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,907
All right, all right,
just take it easy, man.

114
00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:24,992
Everything's cool.

115
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:27,703
Hey, buddy.

116
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:29,329
Close the door.

117
00:05:29,413 --> 00:05:31,707
I don't want to
see the light.

118
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,166
Oh, come on, Joe,
cheer up, huh?

119
00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,878
Hey, hey, what do you say
you and me go rollerska...

120
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,171
Bike rid...

121
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,006
Jump ro...

122
00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,592
Go lay on the grass?

123
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,760
Peter, the other day
was the first time

124
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,470
I've ever lost a perp.

125
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:48,223
It was also the first time I've
ever really felt handicapped.

126
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:50,100
I've made up my
mind about this.

127
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:51,977
I'm quitting the force.

128
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:54,521
Oh, come on, Joe, you don't
have to quit the force.

129
00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:59,902
You could get a desk job.
Eh? You-you could be a desk.

130
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:02,154
Forget it. I'm washed up.

131
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,740
In local news, Quahog
will soon play proud host

132
00:06:04,823 --> 00:06:06,450
to the Special People's Games.

133
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,243
If you and-or a friend
are disabled

134
00:06:08,327 --> 00:06:09,703
and would like
to challenge yourself

135
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,538
and raise your self-esteem,
sign up today.

136
00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,165
Joe, that's it.

137
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,584
You got to compete in the
Special People's Games.

138
00:06:15,667 --> 00:06:17,169
Gosh, I-I don't
know, Peter.

139
00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:18,712
You really think I can?

140
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,631
Hey, I'm the guy that believed you
could be a desk, eh?

141
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,174
Come on, I'll even
be your coach.

142
00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,760
Well, all right.
Let's do it!

143
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:27,095
Coming up in this half hour,
our undercover exposé

144
00:06:27,179 --> 00:06:29,848
on conveniently placed news
reports in television shows.

145
00:06:29,932 --> 00:06:31,850
But first-- Peter, look out
for that skateboard.

146
00:06:31,934 --> 00:06:32,976
( screaming )

147
00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,403
Had a bit of a row
with a fellow in the steam room.

148
00:06:43,487 --> 00:06:44,488
You don't say?

149
00:06:44,571 --> 00:06:45,656
Gave him
a cauliflower ear.

150
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:46,990
Bully!

151
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:48,617
Come on, come on.
Come on, two more!

152
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,494
Peter, you're pushing me
too hard.

153
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:52,829
Oh, trust me, Joe.
I know physical fitness.

154
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,707
I was in Richard Simmons'
Sweating to Books on Tape.

155
00:06:55,791 --> 00:06:58,961
SOMBER VOICE: The Red Sox
were in town, but I didn't care

156
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,420
because it was Tuesday

157
00:07:00,504 --> 00:07:02,506
and I was on my way
to see Maury.

158
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,300
He couldn't go to the bathroom
by himself anymore

159
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,177
but his indomitable spirit...

160
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:10,973
So, how's he
checked out, Doc?

161
00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:12,808
Is my boy ready to compete?

162
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:16,687
Um, I don't quite know how
to tell you this, Mr. Swanson.

163
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,106
You're paralyzed
from the waist down.

164
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,566
I know.

165
00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,568
Oh, thank God!

166
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:23,819
( laughing )

167
00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,071
Oh, God, I was standing
out there

168
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:27,573
( laughing ): for, like, ten minutes.
I... I...

169
00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:28,824
Whew!

170
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:30,868
Boy, is that a load off!

171
00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:34,913
Hey, Mort, Joe here is
going to be competing

172
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,331
in the Special
People's Games.

173
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:37,541
You got anything

174
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,917
that might give him
a little extra juice?

175
00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,169
You mean steroids?

176
00:07:40,252 --> 00:07:42,921
But, Peter, haven't
you seen what happens

177
00:07:43,005 --> 00:07:44,381
to those ladies
on ESPN2?

178
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:45,966
They get big hair faces

179
00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:48,802
and their breasts
become like flapjacks!

180
00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:51,305
I-I was thinking more
like a protein shake.

181
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,724
Oh, God, I'm sorry.

182
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,684
Aisle three,
next to the creams.

183
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,686
Ooh, I don't like
saying that word.

184
00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:02,024
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Touched by an Angel.

185
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,693
Now, where exactly
did the angel touch you?

186
00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,445
Here?

187
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:08,322
Oh, come on, who you
going to believe?

188
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:09,406
I got a freakin' halo!

189
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,908
Shh, shh...

190
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,743
Bye, I'm going to the mall.

191
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,453
What are you going
to the mall for?

192
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:17,164
Don't worry.
The $26 is safe.

193
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:18,540
Safe, huh?

194
00:08:18,624 --> 00:08:19,958
The skirt's trying
to pull a fast one.

195
00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:21,084
Knuckles, get the handbag.

196
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,753
Right, boss!

197
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,463
Hey, give me my purse,
you psycho!

198
00:08:24,546 --> 00:08:27,716
Let's see... makeup,
chewing gum, a picture of Meg

199
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:28,967
in a two-piece swimsuit...

200
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:32,888
Oh! God, I pray
this is not my first memory.

201
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,389
Look, everybody, cool it.

202
00:08:34,473 --> 00:08:36,016
I'm not putting up with
this racket for two weeks.

203
00:08:36,099 --> 00:08:37,309
I'll hold on
to the money.

204
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,186
I'm a neutral party,
so it'll be safe.

205
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:40,938
Okay.
All right.

206
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,064
I suppose
we can trust you.

207
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,148
Now, where is it?

208
00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:44,608
What the... ?

209
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,443
Oh, very clever.

210
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,779
Take another reach,
you forgot your change.

211
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:55,327
Hello, and welcome to the Quahog
Special People's Games.

212
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,411
I'm Tom Tucker.

213
00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:57,996
And I'm Diane Simmons.

214
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,415
It's a great day to be alive, Tom,
able-bodied or not.

215
00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:01,834
It sure is, Diane.

216
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:04,294
Today we'll see some
of Quahog's finest athletes

217
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,797
struggle valiantly against
God's twisted designs.

218
00:09:06,922 --> 00:09:08,048
You'll cheer, you'll cry

219
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:09,925
you might even get
a cheap laugh or two.

220
00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:11,385
I know I will, Tom.

221
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,303
In fact, there's
the distinct possibility

222
00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,430
that by the end of the day,
we'll all be going to hell.

223
00:09:15,514 --> 00:09:17,432
I'll see you there, Diane.

224
00:09:17,516 --> 00:09:19,810
Oh, it sounds like
the opening ceremonies have begun.

225
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,563
There are the paraplegics...

226
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:24,314
Followed by the blind team...

227
00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,443
Still no sign
of the deaf team, I noticed...

228
00:09:28,527 --> 00:09:29,903
( knocking )

229
00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:31,113
( phone ringing )

230
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,781
( alarm buzzing )

231
00:09:32,865 --> 00:09:34,157
MAN: Hey, you guys
aregoing to be late!

232
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,909
MAN 2:
Maybe they're not in there.

233
00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:38,495
DIANE:
And now, we turn our attention

234
00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:41,832
to the lighting of the flame.

235
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,834
TOM:
And these games are under way!

236
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,378
We begin with the 100-meter dash

237
00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:48,672
for people
afraid of yellow tape.

238
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:49,756
( cheering )

239
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:54,720
DIANE:
It's anybody's race now, Tom.

240
00:09:54,887 --> 00:09:55,888
( screaming )

241
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:59,099
And it's Odai Mutumbo
of Kenya.

242
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:00,851
Decathlon... I don't know.

243
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,103
That's quite a mountain
to climb, Peter.

244
00:10:03,187 --> 00:10:05,522
Joe, look at me.
Look at me.

245
00:10:05,606 --> 00:10:06,857
Do I have food
in my teeth?

246
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,066
No.

247
00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:09,401
Oh, great.
Thank God.

248
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:10,611
Now-now listen
here, Joe.

249
00:10:10,694 --> 00:10:12,529
You and I both know
you have what it takes

250
00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:13,780
to win this thing.

251
00:10:13,864 --> 00:10:15,699
So get out there
and do it, huh?

252
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,243
( computer voice ): The gold medal
is mine, pretty boy.

253
00:10:18,327 --> 00:10:19,828
You don't have a chance in hell.

254
00:10:19,912 --> 00:10:21,371
He may be right, Peter.

255
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:22,539
Joe, he's an android.

256
00:10:22,623 --> 00:10:23,916
Don't let him
push you around.

257
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:25,918
You can do this.
I know you can.

258
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,711
Yeah. Yeah!

259
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,338
Hey, you think
you're so hot, fellow?

260
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,756
Well, at least I can do this.

261
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,425
( singing scales )

262
00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:35,677
( singing one note repeatedly )

263
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:36,803
Oh, crap.

264
00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:38,055
Let's do it!

265
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,223
TOM:
Let's go to the first

266
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:40,307
decathlon event of the day:

267
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,850
the pole vault,
where Joe Swanson takes

268
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:44,311
his starting position.

269
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,482
( cheering and applause )

270
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:50,025
Way to go, Joe!

271
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:51,151
Yeah!

272
00:10:51,235 --> 00:10:52,611
How do you like that, buddy?

273
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:53,904
The sphincter says what?

274
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,030
What?

275
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,114
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

276
00:10:56,198 --> 00:10:57,282
You stupid bastard.

277
00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:03,789
Oh, good to see your
new fiscal responsibilities

278
00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:05,165
haven't interfered
with your reading.

279
00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:10,420
Ah, Dostoyevsky.
The mad Russian.

280
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:12,464
Good stuff. Good stuff.

281
00:11:12,548 --> 00:11:14,299
You're not going
to get the $26

282
00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:15,843
and you're despicable
for trying.

283
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:18,262
What? Oh-oh, you thought...

284
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,806
I wasn't trying
to get the $26.

285
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:22,349
I thought we were
just having

286
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:23,976
a perfectly innocent
conversation

287
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,227
about literature.

288
00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:27,396
Oh, you're silly.
You're silly.

289
00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:29,565
I love that you go there.
You're silly.

290
00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:30,941
Good-bye.

291
00:11:32,359 --> 00:11:34,695
We'll take you to bulimic pie eating
in just a moment.

292
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:36,738
But first, decathlon
front-runner Joe Swanson

293
00:11:36,822 --> 00:11:38,031
will attempt
the long jump.

294
00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:41,243
Come on, Joe, break a wheel.

295
00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:43,912
I'm ready.
Let's get it on.

296
00:11:48,292 --> 00:11:49,585
Ooh, a short jump.

297
00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,170
That's going to knock him
out of the lead.

298
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:52,629
-Tough break.
-Tough break it is, Tom.

299
00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:53,881
Good contribution,
Diane.

300
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:55,757
If Swanson expects
to take the gold

301
00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:57,384
he's going to have
to come in first

302
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,052
in the final event,
the 100-meter dash.

303
00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:01,430
That's okay, Joe.
You can still win this thing.

304
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:03,015
That was pathetic.

305
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:06,143
Tell your wife to come
over to my place

306
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:08,520
if she wants a little
boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka

307
00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:10,731
boom-shaka-lacka-lacka-lacka

308
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,817
boom-shaka-lacka-
lacka-lacka-boom.

309
00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:15,861
Peter, it's over.

310
00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:17,446
Over? What are
you talking about?

311
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:19,448
Well, if I couldn't catch
a two-bit criminal

312
00:12:19,531 --> 00:12:21,366
how am I supposed
to win a race?

313
00:12:21,450 --> 00:12:23,702
Hey, hey, hey, what
kind of talk is that? It's un-American.

314
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,537
( "America, the Beautiful"
plays )

315
00:12:25,621 --> 00:12:28,123
Did George W. Bush quit even
after losing the popular vote?

316
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:29,833
No.

317
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,710
Did he quit after losing
millions of dollars

318
00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:32,794
of his father's
friends' money

319
00:12:32,878 --> 00:12:33,879
in failed oil companies?

320
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,130
No.

321
00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:36,632
Did he quit
after knocking that girl up?

322
00:12:36,715 --> 00:12:37,883
No.

323
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:40,052
Did he quit after
he got that DUI?

324
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:41,303
No.

325
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,388
Did he quit after getting
arrested for drunk

326
00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:45,390
and disorderly conduct
at a football game?

327
00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:46,600
No. Did he quit...?

328
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:47,935
I get the message, Peter.

329
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:55,901
( soft pop song plays )

330
00:12:55,984 --> 00:13:00,072
♪♪ And I'll carry it with me,
like my daddy did ♪♪

331
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:02,324
♪♪ If you're going my way ♪♪

332
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,117
♪♪ I'll go with you ♪♪

333
00:13:04,243 --> 00:13:06,745
♪♪ La-di-di-da ♪♪

334
00:13:06,954 --> 00:13:09,164
♪♪ Moving me
down the highway... ♪♪

335
00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:14,628
Gee, Peter, this water
tastes kind of funny.

336
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:17,589
Uh, you mean, like, ha-ha,
Jerry Seinfeld funny

337
00:13:17,673 --> 00:13:20,717
or Elaine Boosler, God bless her,
she's trying funny?

338
00:13:20,884 --> 00:13:22,261
Racers, on
your mark.

339
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:23,470
Go get 'em, Joe.

340
00:13:23,554 --> 00:13:25,472
Get set.

341
00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:30,352
( panting )

342
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,658
Yeah.

343
00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,618
Joe Swanson
wins the gold medal.

344
00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:47,995
You did it, Joe.

345
00:13:48,078 --> 00:13:49,329
We did it, Peter.

346
00:13:58,297 --> 00:14:00,841
Mommy, look at the ladybu...
( screaming )

347
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:24,948
( gasping )

348
00:14:29,745 --> 00:14:31,121
-Hey, Greased Lightening.
-Do I know you?

349
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:32,998
Jim Kaplan, sports agent.
Do you like this car?

350
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:34,124
-Yeah.
-It's yours.

351
00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:35,417
-Do you like my pants?
-Uh, sure.

352
00:14:35,501 --> 00:14:36,919
They're yours. You know
what a merkin is?

353
00:14:37,002 --> 00:14:38,170
No.

354
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:39,671
Pubic wig, I've got one.
You want it?

355
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,006
-No.
-Of course, you don't.

356
00:14:41,089 --> 00:14:42,382
You're a classy guy.
You want to be rich?

357
00:14:42,466 --> 00:14:43,467
-Yes.
-Sign here.

358
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,222
What the hell?

359
00:14:51,892 --> 00:14:54,394
I just, I don't understand
how he could do that without me.

360
00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:56,188
We were going to do
everything together.

361
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,773
It was one cereal ad, Peter.

362
00:14:57,856 --> 00:14:59,816
Besides, he's the one
who won the medal.

363
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:01,443
Yeah, I guess.

364
00:15:01,527 --> 00:15:02,778
ANNOUNCER: Coming to ABC

365
00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:05,155
the simple story
of a man and his chair.

366
00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,243
What the hell is this?

367
00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:11,745
Starring Tony Danza
as Joe Swanson.

368
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,664
Once a man at his physical peak

369
00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:16,667
brought down
by a cruel twist of fate.

370
00:15:19,253 --> 00:15:22,673
Why?

371
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,508
With Valerie Bertinelli
as Bonnie.

372
00:15:24,675 --> 00:15:27,094
Joe, you've got to accept
your limitations.

373
00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:29,972
Why don't you just ask me
to lay down and die?

374
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:31,849
I can't live like
this anymore.

375
00:15:34,351 --> 00:15:35,936
That's it.

376
00:15:36,019 --> 00:15:38,355
That's not how it happened.
It was my idea.

377
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,357
With Bea Arthur
as Peter Griffin.

378
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,109
You'll never make it, Joe.

379
00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:44,570
Why don't you
just give up right now?

380
00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:46,363
No, I've got to try...

381
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,282
even if it's by myself.

382
00:15:48,365 --> 00:15:51,118
You're a fool,
Joe, a fool.

383
00:15:52,244 --> 00:15:54,496
Rolling Courage:
The Joe Swanson Story.

384
00:15:54,580 --> 00:15:56,498
Friday on ABC, followed by
Dharma and Greg...

385
00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:58,959
( whispers ): ...but you don't have
to watch that.

386
00:15:59,042 --> 00:16:01,128
I don't believe this.
Joe wouldn't be famous

387
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:02,421
if it hadn't been for me.

388
00:16:02,504 --> 00:16:04,047
How come he's getting
all the glory?

389
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:05,549
He's handicapped.
That's what makes

390
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:06,884
his story so
inspirational.

391
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,343
Handicapped...

392
00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:09,845
Hmm...

393
00:16:09,928 --> 00:16:13,056
Ah, how did these get up here?

394
00:16:17,561 --> 00:16:19,271
What the hell
is this, Brian?

395
00:16:19,354 --> 00:16:21,899
It's my new passport. What are you doing
going through my mail?

396
00:16:22,107 --> 00:16:24,151
You weren't planning
on going somewhere

397
00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:25,736
with our $26,
were you?

398
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,779
Oh, for God's sake, I just had
the damn thing renewed.

399
00:16:27,863 --> 00:16:29,031
What's the matter with you?

400
00:16:29,114 --> 00:16:30,490
Look here, you're obviously

401
00:16:30,574 --> 00:16:32,159
taking us for saps,
but we're not.

402
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:35,245
Now fess up, or I'll do to you
what I did to John Lennon.

403
00:16:35,329 --> 00:16:37,331
John, have you met Yoko?
Yoko, John.

404
00:16:37,414 --> 00:16:38,957
You want your money, fine.

405
00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:41,001
I hope you all kill
each other.

406
00:16:42,753 --> 00:16:44,796
All right, I know
how to settle this.

407
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,174
Whoever wants the money...
raise your hand.

408
00:16:47,257 --> 00:16:49,384
Oh, you're smarter
than I thought.

409
00:16:49,468 --> 00:16:51,553
Give yourselves
a round of applause.

410
00:16:51,637 --> 00:16:52,763
Damn!

411
00:16:54,932 --> 00:16:56,934
Yeah, honey, I'm going
to be a little late tonight.

412
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:58,435
I've got a hooker
coming over.

413
00:16:58,560 --> 00:16:59,978
Well, I know it's late notice.

414
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,647
But what about the pool guy?
He likes you.

415
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:03,398
Mr. Tucker, Mr. Griffin's
here to see you.

416
00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:04,650
I got to go.

417
00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:06,693
Mr. Tucker, I have just
become handicapped

418
00:17:06,777 --> 00:17:08,487
like Joe Swanson,
and I demand

419
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:10,572
commercial endorsements
and a TV movie

420
00:17:10,656 --> 00:17:12,824
based on me starring
Valerie Bert-and-Ernie.

421
00:17:12,991 --> 00:17:14,409
But Mr. Griffin...

422
00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:17,079
I even got the first piece
you're going to run:

423
00:17:17,162 --> 00:17:20,165
exclusive video footage
of my tragic accident.

424
00:17:20,249 --> 00:17:23,085
Oh, no, a car going too fast
to stop in time.

425
00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:24,837
( screaming )

426
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:32,469
( wailing ):
I'm handicapped now.

427
00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:35,097
Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me
to believe this.

428
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,474
That was clearly a scarecrow dressed
in your clothes.

429
00:17:37,558 --> 00:17:38,725
Oh, come on.

430
00:17:38,809 --> 00:17:40,102
And when I
freeze-frame...

431
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:43,313
that's you
driving the car.

432
00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:45,023
-Well there's your hook.
-Get out.

433
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,236
Today we're here
to honor Joe Swanson

434
00:17:49,361 --> 00:17:51,947
for pulling my poor
one-eyed cat, Bootsie

435
00:17:52,030 --> 00:17:55,200
out of the old stovepipe of my
grandmother's cabin.

436
00:17:55,284 --> 00:17:58,245
Joe Swanson won the Special
People's Decathlon

437
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:00,247
and we're here
to honor him.

438
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:01,331
( cheering )

439
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:02,666
Backstabber.

440
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,043
Oh, Peter, I'm sure Joe's going
to acknowledge you, you'll see.

441
00:18:05,169 --> 00:18:06,461
Just don't forget
our deal, Lois.

442
00:18:06,545 --> 00:18:09,173
I sit through this, and
later tonight, I get anal.

443
00:18:09,256 --> 00:18:10,257
You hear me?

444
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,301
No matter how neat
I want the house, you have to clean it.

445
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,052
Thank you, thank you.

446
00:18:14,136 --> 00:18:17,014
You know, no one could win
a gold medal by himself.

447
00:18:17,181 --> 00:18:19,558
It takes friends,
and I want to acknowledge

448
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,518
a special friend
in the audience today.

449
00:18:21,602 --> 00:18:23,812
My friend, Peter.

450
00:18:23,896 --> 00:18:26,023
Peter Yarrow,
of Peter, Paul and Mary.

451
00:18:26,148 --> 00:18:27,774
Let's give him a hand, folks.

452
00:18:30,444 --> 00:18:32,988
But that's nothing compared
to what this next man did.

453
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:35,282
He challenged me
to go that extra mile.

454
00:18:35,616 --> 00:18:37,159
And that man is Mr. Griffin.

455
00:18:37,910 --> 00:18:39,786
Comedian Eddie Griffin,
get up here.

456
00:18:42,706 --> 00:18:45,584
Your acerbic, anti-white humor
was a constant inspiration.

457
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,336
Thank you, sir.

458
00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:51,340
And last, but not least,
who could forget the fat guy?

459
00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:55,010
Chef Paul Prudhomme,
you get your Cajun ass up here.

460
00:18:55,093 --> 00:18:57,012
Wow, I didn't even do anything.

461
00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,681
That's it. Excuse me,
but there's someone else

462
00:18:59,765 --> 00:19:01,308
he didn't thank:

463
00:19:01,391 --> 00:19:03,101
Mr. Steroid.
That's how he won.

464
00:19:03,185 --> 00:19:04,228
That's not true.

465
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,938
Yes, it is.
I put steroids

466
00:19:06,021 --> 00:19:08,148
in your water bottle
right before the last race.

467
00:19:08,273 --> 00:19:10,275
( booing )

468
00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:13,237
I'm sorry, everybody.
I've let you all down.

469
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,613
Yes.

470
00:19:14,696 --> 00:19:16,323
You suck. I rule.

471
00:19:16,490 --> 00:19:17,533
Who da man?

472
00:19:17,616 --> 00:19:18,825
Who da man?

473
00:19:18,909 --> 00:19:19,910
Who da man?

474
00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:25,582
All right, if anyone
tries to lift the glass

475
00:19:25,666 --> 00:19:27,000
the bell will ring.

476
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,253
Well, then, let's
all go to bed.

477
00:19:29,336 --> 00:19:31,004
Off we go, then.

478
00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,898
( grunts and groans )

479
00:19:55,904 --> 00:19:58,031
( grunts and groans )

480
00:20:01,827 --> 00:20:03,328
( doorbell rings )

481
00:20:03,412 --> 00:20:05,247
Did you find
the place okay?

482
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:06,373
No problem.

483
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,916
Hey, kids?

484
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,210
( yawning ): I only had soup.
I don't see why

485
00:20:10,294 --> 00:20:12,421
we should split the bill evenly.

486
00:20:12,504 --> 00:20:13,881
Wake up.
This is Mr. Taylor.

487
00:20:13,964 --> 00:20:15,716
He's here to claim
the money clip.

488
00:20:15,799 --> 00:20:16,800
Oh.

489
00:20:16,884 --> 00:20:17,885
Oh.

490
00:20:17,968 --> 00:20:19,678
Ugh!

491
00:20:23,182 --> 00:20:25,058
Peter, you should
go talk the him.

492
00:20:25,142 --> 00:20:27,019
After all, you set out
to make him feel better

493
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:28,520
and now he's worse
than ever.

494
00:20:28,604 --> 00:20:29,813
Yeah, I don't know, Lois.

495
00:20:29,897 --> 00:20:31,815
He's probably
over there waiting

496
00:20:31,899 --> 00:20:33,775
to be interviewed
by Dan Rather

497
00:20:33,859 --> 00:20:35,611
or that dreadful
Gene Shalit.

498
00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:38,697
Oh, I think those days
are over now, Peter.

499
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,743
Uh, hey, there.

500
00:20:42,826 --> 00:20:45,120
Uh... hi, Peter.

501
00:20:45,204 --> 00:20:47,206
Listen, Joe, about
this whole mess...

502
00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:48,415
Hold it, Peter.

503
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,587
That's the car wash thief.

504
00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,684
Ha, ha, tough luck, wheelie.

505
00:21:07,893 --> 00:21:09,144
Yeah, for you.

506
00:21:11,522 --> 00:21:13,190
I'm Joe, your waiter.

507
00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:17,319
Today's special is justice,
served cold with a side of jail.

508
00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:21,406
And order the soufflé now,
'cause it takes ten to 15 years.

509
00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:27,538
Hey, Peter, I really appreciate
what you did for me.

510
00:21:27,663 --> 00:21:28,914
What do you mean?

511
00:21:28,997 --> 00:21:31,124
Well, that slimy agent
had me believing the hype.

512
00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:32,960
And I forgot
it was really you

513
00:21:33,043 --> 00:21:35,087
who got me to believe
in myself again.

514
00:21:35,170 --> 00:21:37,422
Oh, and by the way,
I'm going back to the force.

515
00:21:37,506 --> 00:21:39,591
Good for you.

516
00:21:39,675 --> 00:21:41,885
Say, what happened
to the car wash thief?

517
00:21:41,969 --> 00:21:45,180
Ironically, I severed his
spine when I landed on him.

518
00:21:45,264 --> 00:21:47,224
Well, looks like
you've got more competition

519
00:21:47,391 --> 00:21:48,475
at next year's
games, huh?

520
00:21:48,559 --> 00:21:49,977
Nope, he's dead.