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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,556 --> 00:00:07,892
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,959 --> 00:00:11,028
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,096 --> 00:00:13,998
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 9x15 ♪
Tiegs for Two
Original Air Date on April 10, 2011
11
00:00:32,692 --> 00:00:36,192
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==
12
00:00:36,209 --> 00:00:37,956
Peter, I need you to
pick up the dry cleaning.
13
00:00:38,003 --> 00:00:38,837
Here's the ticket.
14
00:00:38,925 --> 00:00:40,326
It's the Chinese
one over on Elm.
15
00:00:40,393 --> 00:00:42,528
All right. Well, I need my
other white shirt back anyway.
16
00:00:42,596 --> 00:00:43,996
This one's getting
kind of smelly.
17
00:00:44,064 --> 00:00:45,364
And if I wore another color,
18
00:00:45,432 --> 00:00:46,765
I think it would
just throw people.
19
00:00:46,833 --> 00:00:48,234
You only have
two white shirts?
20
00:00:48,301 --> 00:00:50,236
Well, I had a third one,
but it got ruined
21
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at that wine tasting at
Michael J. Fox's house.
22
00:00:52,272 --> 00:00:54,073
Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.
23
00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:56,609
Now, we were going to show you
the actual scene,
24
00:00:56,676 --> 00:00:58,944
but it... it would just
make us all sad.
25
00:00:59,012 --> 00:01:01,747
So, I-I'm just going to
tell you what happened.
26
00:01:01,815 --> 00:01:04,717
See, he has this disease,
and it makes him shake a lot,
27
00:01:04,784 --> 00:01:06,352
and what with all the shaking,
28
00:01:06,419 --> 00:01:08,187
he spilled his wine
all over my shirt,
29
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and my shirt, uh, was ruined.
30
00:01:11,291 --> 00:01:12,992
So that's what that was.
31
00:01:13,059 --> 00:01:15,027
Um... I mean, he was
very nice about it.
32
00:01:15,095 --> 00:01:17,696
He said, he said,
"Send me the bill."
33
00:01:17,764 --> 00:01:21,300
Which, I mean, that's not
how he said it, uh, but...
34
00:01:21,368 --> 00:01:23,102
You know, we got there.
35
00:01:23,170 --> 00:01:25,504
Anyway, I sent him the bill,
and he sent me this check.
36
00:01:25,572 --> 00:01:27,973
But, uh... it's...
37
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I-I don't, I don't,
I don't think
38
00:01:29,476 --> 00:01:31,243
I'm going to be able
to cash this. Um...
39
00:01:31,311 --> 00:01:34,146
I don't... You'd think Tracy
Pollan would, would be in charge
40
00:01:34,214 --> 00:01:35,548
of the checkbook, you know?
41
00:01:35,615 --> 00:01:37,349
'Cause I mean, what else
is she doing right now?
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00:01:37,417 --> 00:01:40,052
I don't, I don't think he's got
the leverage to Rita Wilson her
43
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:42,254
around town anymore.
I mean, I-I, that's...
44
00:01:42,322 --> 00:01:43,656
I mean, that's
where it's gotten.
45
00:01:43,723 --> 00:01:46,258
So... Anyway, that's what
happened to my shirt.
46
00:01:46,326 --> 00:01:48,928
I'm glad we took the high road
on this one.
47
00:01:48,995 --> 00:01:50,396
Wh-what's that?
48
00:01:50,463 --> 00:01:52,831
Oh, wait, now they're telling me
they do want to show it.
49
00:01:52,899 --> 00:01:55,768
I really like the finish
on this Shiraz...
50
00:01:55,835 --> 00:01:58,237
Son of a bitch!
What is your problem?
51
00:02:02,542 --> 00:02:04,977
Aw, damn. Which one's
the Chinese one?
52
00:02:10,850 --> 00:02:12,251
That's probably it.
53
00:02:23,330 --> 00:02:25,497
You stop make bing bong!
Every bing bong two cent!
54
00:02:25,565 --> 00:02:26,665
What you want?
55
00:02:26,733 --> 00:02:29,301
Uh, yeah. I'm here to
pick up my cleaning?
56
00:02:30,537 --> 00:02:32,204
Aw, cool, look at that!
57
00:02:32,272 --> 00:02:34,473
Aw, this seems like it'd
be a great place to work.
58
00:02:34,541 --> 00:02:35,641
But I...
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00:02:35,709 --> 00:02:38,944
I didn't go to college.
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That 20 dollar.
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00:02:42,282 --> 00:02:43,983
Hey, uh, I think you
forgot my shirt.
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00:02:44,050 --> 00:02:46,585
There no shirt.
Well, no, I know you
have my white shirt.
63
00:02:46,653 --> 00:02:48,087
Can you check again?
No need check.
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00:02:48,154 --> 00:02:49,388
I no have your shirt.
65
00:02:49,456 --> 00:02:51,223
Listen here, Washee-Washee,
you do have my shirt.
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00:02:51,291 --> 00:02:52,358
I no have your shirt.
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00:02:52,425 --> 00:02:53,592
You yes have my shirt!
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00:02:53,660 --> 00:02:55,160
You get out my store!
You get me shirt!
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00:02:55,228 --> 00:02:57,296
You go or I call police!
You no dare call police!
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00:02:57,364 --> 00:02:59,465
Oh, you want to play game,
fatso? You big, big...
71
00:02:59,532 --> 00:03:01,967
911!
Fine! I go.
But this no over.
72
00:03:02,035 --> 00:03:03,402
I take picture of Ang Lee.
73
00:03:03,470 --> 00:03:05,671
Good! He do too many white
people movie anyway!
74
00:03:08,975 --> 00:03:10,843
You no come back, ever!
75
00:03:10,910 --> 00:03:14,013
I no like you American!
And all you American look alike!
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00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:15,881
Oh, we all look alike, do we?
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00:03:15,949 --> 00:03:18,250
Well, look who's talking!
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00:03:21,721 --> 00:03:24,189
What do you mean we
can't go there anymore?
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00:03:24,257 --> 00:03:26,058
Who gives a crap?
We'll get a new cleaners.
80
00:03:26,126 --> 00:03:28,527
They're all the same.
They are not
all the same!
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00:03:28,595 --> 00:03:31,830
Peter, I have been going to
Mr. Washee-Washee for ten years,
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00:03:31,898 --> 00:03:34,033
and I am not finding
another dry cleaner.
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00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:36,168
Now we are going to
invite him over for dinner,
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00:03:36,236 --> 00:03:38,037
and you are going
to apologize.
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00:03:38,104 --> 00:03:39,972
All right, fine.
86
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:41,140
MR. WASHEE-WASHEE:
Hello?
87
00:03:41,207 --> 00:03:43,742
Hi, Mr. Washee-Washee,
it's Peter Griffin.
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00:03:43,810 --> 00:03:46,211
Um, my wife wants to invite
you over for dinner.
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00:03:46,279 --> 00:03:48,347
What you having?
Number 32?
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00:03:48,415 --> 00:03:49,248
Ooh!
91
00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:56,155
Peter, isn't there something
you'd like to say
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00:03:56,222 --> 00:03:58,190
to Mr. Washee-Washee?
93
00:03:59,426 --> 00:04:00,559
Peter.
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00:04:00,627 --> 00:04:02,127
Fine.
95
00:04:02,195 --> 00:04:04,897
Mr. Washee-Washee, I'm sorry
I was rude at your store.
96
00:04:04,964 --> 00:04:06,832
Is okay. I accept
your bad apology.
97
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:08,300
Good. Now give me
back my shirt!
98
00:04:08,368 --> 00:04:09,868
Peter!
I no have your shirt!
99
00:04:09,936 --> 00:04:11,570
You yes have my shirt!
Enough!
100
00:04:11,638 --> 00:04:13,472
You all banned
from my store!
101
00:04:13,540 --> 00:04:14,473
Bing bong.
102
00:04:14,541 --> 00:04:16,508
Great, Peter.
Nice going.
103
00:04:16,576 --> 00:04:18,243
This dinner was
a disaster.
104
00:04:18,311 --> 00:04:20,412
Eh, Clash of the Titans
owl was worse.
105
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,214
So you're from Greece.
106
00:04:22,282 --> 00:04:23,782
I've always wanted
to go there.
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00:04:23,850 --> 00:04:24,817
What's it like?
108
00:04:27,921 --> 00:04:30,055
Yeah, I can't... I can't
understand a word he's saying.
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00:04:30,123 --> 00:04:32,725
Yeah. I told you, Lois,
only Harry Hamlin can.
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00:04:32,792 --> 00:04:34,159
If you're going to
invite the owl
111
00:04:34,227 --> 00:04:35,661
you got to invite
Harry Hamlin.
112
00:04:35,729 --> 00:04:38,664
I will not have Harry
Hamlin in this house.
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00:04:41,868 --> 00:04:43,769
413, 413.
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00:04:43,837 --> 00:04:45,471
I think this is it, Chris.
115
00:04:45,538 --> 00:04:48,374
Ooh! The Mr. Sulu Show!
116
00:04:48,441 --> 00:04:53,011
♪ Sulu, he star of the show ♪
117
00:04:55,014 --> 00:04:59,318
♪ Other guys just along
for the ride ♪
118
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:02,254
He's got my shirt
in there, I can feel it.
119
00:05:02,322 --> 00:05:03,555
All right, I'm going inside.
120
00:05:14,968 --> 00:05:16,835
I knew it!
121
00:05:16,903 --> 00:05:18,504
Drop it, or I
blow you head off!
122
00:05:20,306 --> 00:05:21,807
Listen, Washee-Washee,
that's my shirt,
123
00:05:21,875 --> 00:05:23,142
and I ain't leaving
here without it.
124
00:05:23,209 --> 00:05:24,243
That no your shirt!
125
00:05:24,310 --> 00:05:25,144
Oh, yeah?
126
00:05:28,214 --> 00:05:29,481
Okay, it's not my shirt.
127
00:05:29,549 --> 00:05:32,551
You break in my house,
I can kill you legally.
128
00:05:32,619 --> 00:05:34,286
Fine, shoot me!
But you're going to
ruin the shirt.
129
00:05:34,354 --> 00:05:35,521
Take off shirt!
130
00:05:35,588 --> 00:05:37,689
Well, it seems we're
at an impasse.
131
00:05:37,757 --> 00:05:39,291
How do you propose
we settle this?
132
00:05:39,359 --> 00:05:42,127
We have fight.
But I pick venue.
Deal.
133
00:05:45,698 --> 00:05:47,032
Round One.
134
00:05:47,100 --> 00:05:48,567
Fight!
135
00:06:09,689 --> 00:06:11,223
You lose.
136
00:06:16,062 --> 00:06:17,963
Hi, I'm here
for Peter Griffin.
137
00:06:18,031 --> 00:06:19,064
Wait over there.
138
00:06:24,037 --> 00:06:26,605
Not the best way to spend
a Thursday night, huh?
139
00:06:26,673 --> 00:06:28,140
You can say that again.
140
00:06:28,208 --> 00:06:30,476
I was hoping to be at this
Democratic Party fundraiser.
141
00:06:30,543 --> 00:06:31,777
Oh, God, is that tonight?
142
00:06:31,845 --> 00:06:34,613
Aw... You know, I promised
Barry I'd be there.
143
00:06:34,681 --> 00:06:37,583
I, I call him "Barry," you
probably know him as "Barack."
144
00:06:37,650 --> 00:06:39,117
Um... yeah.
145
00:06:39,185 --> 00:06:40,853
So what are
you doing here?
146
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,988
Ah, I'm picking up
my friend Peter.
147
00:06:43,056 --> 00:06:45,357
Are you picking up
a... boyfriend?
148
00:06:45,425 --> 00:06:49,828
No, actually. I got arrested for
protesting the Wal-Mart opening.
149
00:06:49,896 --> 00:06:51,797
Oh, yeah. I went to
the first part of that,
150
00:06:51,865 --> 00:06:53,131
but then some fireworks went off
151
00:06:53,199 --> 00:06:54,600
and I ran for two miles
straight.
152
00:06:56,236 --> 00:06:58,003
I'm Denise.
I'm Brian.
153
00:06:58,071 --> 00:07:00,806
Hey, would you mind if
I asked for your number?
154
00:07:00,874 --> 00:07:02,975
Who knows? Maybe we could
get arrested together.
155
00:07:04,177 --> 00:07:06,845
Sure. I'd like that.
156
00:07:06,913 --> 00:07:10,249
Number 3287.
157
00:07:10,316 --> 00:07:12,184
Come on, Peter.
I'm here to take you home.
158
00:07:12,252 --> 00:07:13,952
I don't know, Brian.
159
00:07:14,020 --> 00:07:16,455
This is the only world
I know anymore.
160
00:07:16,523 --> 00:07:18,290
Peter, you've been
in there for 15 minutes.
161
00:07:24,397 --> 00:07:26,231
Good morning,
everyone.
162
00:07:26,299 --> 00:07:28,133
Oh, crap,
he's in love again.
163
00:07:28,201 --> 00:07:30,202
I know, I know. But
this time it's for real.
164
00:07:30,270 --> 00:07:32,671
You know, I, I really feel
like Denise is the girl
165
00:07:32,739 --> 00:07:34,239
I've waited my whole life for.
166
00:07:34,307 --> 00:07:36,441
Oh, please, you've only
known her a week.
167
00:07:36,509 --> 00:07:38,076
Besides, I thought Jillian was
168
00:07:38,144 --> 00:07:39,678
the girl you waited
your whole life for.
169
00:07:39,746 --> 00:07:40,946
Well, Jillian was.
170
00:07:41,014 --> 00:07:42,581
But I'll, I'll never
get her back.
171
00:07:42,649 --> 00:07:45,017
But Denise... I really think
there's something special there.
172
00:07:45,084 --> 00:07:47,519
Brian, you went to one
protest rally with her.
173
00:07:47,587 --> 00:07:48,887
It's hardly a date.
174
00:07:48,955 --> 00:07:50,322
Oh yeah? You want to see?
175
00:07:50,390 --> 00:07:51,857
I'll call her right now
and ask her out to dinner.
176
00:07:54,727 --> 00:07:56,428
Hey, Denise?
It's me.
177
00:07:56,496 --> 00:07:58,697
Brian.
178
00:07:58,765 --> 00:07:59,798
Brian Griffin.
179
00:07:59,866 --> 00:08:01,266
Oh, boy.
180
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:03,569
Um, hey, listen, you know,
I've had such a great time
181
00:08:03,636 --> 00:08:05,537
hanging out with you,
and I was thinking...
182
00:08:05,605 --> 00:08:08,273
How about we go
on an actual date?
183
00:08:08,341 --> 00:08:09,708
Uh-huh.
184
00:08:09,776 --> 00:08:11,176
Sounds great!
185
00:08:11,244 --> 00:08:12,277
Bye.
186
00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:13,612
So?
187
00:08:13,680 --> 00:08:16,281
Well, guess who has
a date on Saturday?
188
00:08:16,349 --> 00:08:17,549
Not me.
189
00:08:21,020 --> 00:08:23,956
Put the dog out.
The dog's crying.
190
00:08:24,023 --> 00:08:25,958
Can someone put... Lois!
Can someone put the dog out?
191
00:08:26,025 --> 00:08:27,059
I'm trying to read!
192
00:08:29,128 --> 00:08:31,496
What the hell?
What's the matter with you?
193
00:08:31,564 --> 00:08:33,165
Did an ambulance
go by or something?
194
00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:49,371
Hey, Brian... Aw, sweet!
Morning drinking!
195
00:08:51,107 --> 00:08:52,241
Whoo, yeah!
196
00:08:52,309 --> 00:08:53,642
Party!
197
00:08:53,710 --> 00:08:55,544
Peter, I'm not getting
drunk for fun.
198
00:08:55,612 --> 00:08:58,080
I'm, I'm drinking
because I'm sad.
199
00:08:58,148 --> 00:09:00,015
Because I'm never going to
meet the right woman.
200
00:09:00,083 --> 00:09:02,551
Because I'm... I'm going to
die old and alone.
201
00:09:02,619 --> 00:09:04,153
Oh, you're
Rip Torn drinking.
202
00:09:04,221 --> 00:09:05,721
Well, you know, listen.
Instead of sitting here
203
00:09:05,789 --> 00:09:07,223
feeling sorry for yourself,
204
00:09:07,290 --> 00:09:09,258
why don't you take Quagmire's
class on picking up chicks?
205
00:09:09,326 --> 00:09:10,559
Quagmire teaches a class?
206
00:09:10,627 --> 00:09:12,061
How come I've never
heard about this?
207
00:09:12,128 --> 00:09:14,330
'Cause Quagmire forbids us
to tell you about his life.
208
00:09:14,397 --> 00:09:16,131
As you may recall, he hates you.
209
00:09:16,199 --> 00:09:18,434
Ah, wouldn't help me anyway.
It's a hopeless situation.
210
00:09:18,501 --> 00:09:20,903
You know, if you ever want to
get anywhere with this girl,
211
00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:22,838
you gotta ditch that
negative attitude.
212
00:09:22,906 --> 00:09:24,540
You're, you're as
bad as Negatron.
213
00:09:24,608 --> 00:09:26,242
Do as I command,
214
00:09:26,309 --> 00:09:29,678
and we will defeat the Autobots
once and for all!
215
00:09:29,746 --> 00:09:31,013
Nope. Not going
to work.
216
00:09:31,081 --> 00:09:34,016
Oh, come on. What
did we talk about?
217
00:09:34,084 --> 00:09:35,451
Autobots always win.
218
00:09:35,518 --> 00:09:36,752
You think Optimus
Prime's gonna be dead,
219
00:09:36,820 --> 00:09:38,087
but then he's not dead.
220
00:09:38,154 --> 00:09:41,457
I'm taking this from a robot
that turns into a canoe?
221
00:09:41,524 --> 00:09:42,858
When there's a battle on
222
00:09:42,926 --> 00:09:44,526
a gently-moving river,
you'll want me.
223
00:09:49,466 --> 00:09:52,601
Now as I said before,
I can't make you into studs.
224
00:09:52,669 --> 00:09:55,604
I can only help you bring out
your "inner stud."
225
00:09:55,672 --> 00:09:57,106
But there's a lot
of potential here.
226
00:09:58,942 --> 00:10:00,409
Now how many of you guys think
227
00:10:00,477 --> 00:10:01,644
a woman is looking
for Prince Charming?
228
00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:05,180
Wrong! They're looking for
bastards like me!
229
00:10:05,248 --> 00:10:07,416
Well, I don't,
I don't know about that.
230
00:10:07,484 --> 00:10:10,386
Mort, How many times you been
laid since your wife died?
231
00:10:10,453 --> 00:10:11,954
Do Muriel's clothes count?
232
00:10:12,022 --> 00:10:13,489
No! You want to know
233
00:10:13,556 --> 00:10:16,091
how many times I've been laid
since last night? 60!
234
00:10:16,159 --> 00:10:19,128
Why? 'Cause I'm not trying
to be a girl's Prince Charming.
235
00:10:19,195 --> 00:10:20,562
I'm trying to be
that big mistake
236
00:10:20,630 --> 00:10:21,997
they made at the bar
last night.
237
00:10:22,065 --> 00:10:23,332
Look, what's the
first thing you say
238
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:24,867
to a woman when you meet her?
239
00:10:24,935 --> 00:10:27,403
Pleased to meet you.
That's a handsome scarf pin.
240
00:10:27,470 --> 00:10:28,904
No! You say,
241
00:10:28,972 --> 00:10:31,240
"Hi, there. How's your
relationship with your father?"
242
00:10:31,308 --> 00:10:33,442
If she says anything
positive, move along.
243
00:10:33,510 --> 00:10:35,010
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
244
00:10:35,078 --> 00:10:37,046
Brian! What are
you doing here?
245
00:10:37,113 --> 00:10:38,747
I'm in your class.
What? No way!
246
00:10:38,815 --> 00:10:40,182
I don't want you in here!
247
00:10:40,250 --> 00:10:41,784
Too bad. Here's my
class receipt.
248
00:10:41,851 --> 00:10:43,118
Now teach me how
to find love.
249
00:10:43,186 --> 00:10:44,586
All right. Fine.
250
00:10:44,654 --> 00:10:47,222
But you lick yourself once in
this class and you're out!
251
00:10:49,592 --> 00:10:50,659
Don't look,
don't look!
252
00:10:50,727 --> 00:10:52,394
I spilled something.
253
00:10:52,462 --> 00:10:55,197
♪ ♪
254
00:10:59,936 --> 00:11:02,304
All right, time to practice
what we've learned.
255
00:11:02,372 --> 00:11:03,439
You're up, Brian.
256
00:11:03,506 --> 00:11:04,807
Now, go hit
on that fat chick.
257
00:11:04,874 --> 00:11:07,242
What? Why?
Do it or you get an "F".
258
00:11:07,310 --> 00:11:09,011
All right.
259
00:11:09,079 --> 00:11:10,980
Uh, excuse me.
260
00:11:11,047 --> 00:11:13,549
I was just looking you
over and I had a question.
261
00:11:13,616 --> 00:11:15,684
Are those highlights in
your hair or potato chips?
262
00:11:15,752 --> 00:11:17,286
Highlights!
Okay.
263
00:11:17,354 --> 00:11:20,289
Hey, will you sign this form
that says I hit on you?
264
00:11:20,357 --> 00:11:21,724
Sassy!
265
00:11:21,791 --> 00:11:24,927
You've got me sweating
above and below my ass.
266
00:11:24,995 --> 00:11:26,295
Let's go, lover.
267
00:11:30,867 --> 00:11:33,335
Okay, what the ?
268
00:11:33,403 --> 00:11:35,137
I know, I know.
269
00:11:35,205 --> 00:11:38,007
Quagmire told us to dress
flashy so girls would notice us.
270
00:11:38,074 --> 00:11:40,142
Oh, right, peacocking.
How's the class going?
271
00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:41,877
Well, so far so
good, I guess.
272
00:11:41,945 --> 00:11:43,178
But tonight's
the real test.
273
00:11:43,246 --> 00:11:45,114
I'm gonna try out what
I've learned on Denise.
274
00:11:45,181 --> 00:11:46,281
Well, good luck.
275
00:11:46,349 --> 00:11:47,516
Hey, who was that
fat chick
276
00:11:47,584 --> 00:11:48,884
sneaking out of
here this morning?
277
00:11:48,952 --> 00:11:51,854
Oh, that was someone
I met from class. Bettina.
278
00:11:51,921 --> 00:11:54,123
Ooh, that's way too
fancy a name for her.
279
00:11:54,190 --> 00:11:56,358
Her name should be
"Thud" or-- or "Oof."
280
00:11:58,428 --> 00:12:02,231
♪ ♪
281
00:12:02,298 --> 00:12:05,601
You know, I have to admit,
Brian, I'm glad you called.
282
00:12:05,668 --> 00:12:06,969
I sort of missed
hanging out.
283
00:12:07,037 --> 00:12:08,170
Call me The Paw.
284
00:12:08,238 --> 00:12:09,872
That's what I go
by now, The Paw.
285
00:12:09,939 --> 00:12:11,373
Oh, okay.
286
00:12:11,441 --> 00:12:12,474
Yeah.
287
00:12:12,542 --> 00:12:14,376
A lot of babes
here tonight.
288
00:12:14,444 --> 00:12:17,146
Shut up for a couple minutes,
I'm gonna look around.
289
00:12:17,213 --> 00:12:18,947
Uh, Brian, you're being
kind of disrespectful.
290
00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:20,249
Ah, relax, baby.
291
00:12:20,316 --> 00:12:22,251
Hey, check your phone.
I sent you something.
292
00:12:22,318 --> 00:12:24,753
Oh, my God!
Is-- is that your...?
293
00:12:24,821 --> 00:12:27,656
Yeah. How'd you like to get hit
in the face with that?
294
00:12:27,724 --> 00:12:28,957
Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go.
295
00:12:29,025 --> 00:12:30,492
Why, you getting
more moles put on?
296
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,961
You know, I came here 'cause
I thought I'd made a mistake
297
00:12:33,029 --> 00:12:34,530
by not giving you a chance,
298
00:12:34,597 --> 00:12:37,533
but it's obvious you're
just another typical jerk.
299
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,135
Denise, wait...
300
00:12:43,039 --> 00:12:45,007
All right, let's see
what you guys have done
301
00:12:45,075 --> 00:12:46,275
to make yourselves look
like douchebags.
302
00:12:46,342 --> 00:12:47,676
You're a son of a bitch.
303
00:12:47,744 --> 00:12:50,212
You're teaching us all this
crap about how to get women
304
00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:51,947
and it's all a
bunch of bull!
305
00:12:52,015 --> 00:12:54,683
I came here 'cause
I wanted to get Denise back
306
00:12:54,751 --> 00:12:56,618
and instead, you
ruined my life!
307
00:12:56,686 --> 00:12:59,321
These skills aren't for women
you care about, you idiot.
308
00:12:59,389 --> 00:13:01,557
This course is in getting
laid, not finding love.
309
00:13:01,624 --> 00:13:02,991
So, what's the point?
310
00:13:03,059 --> 00:13:06,061
If you never find love, then
it's just meaningless sex.
311
00:13:06,129 --> 00:13:08,063
How will I get the woman
of my dreams?
312
00:13:08,131 --> 00:13:09,465
Only when you're ready.
313
00:13:09,532 --> 00:13:11,400
And maybe not even then.
314
00:13:11,468 --> 00:13:14,436
You see, women are a lot like
Saturday Night Live sketches.
315
00:13:14,504 --> 00:13:16,004
Lots of them are awful,
some are decent,
316
00:13:16,072 --> 00:13:17,973
and a few are pretty good.
317
00:13:18,041 --> 00:13:20,876
But then there's that one--
that one woman
318
00:13:20,944 --> 00:13:24,179
who's as amazingly perfect
as "Massive Head Wound Harry."
319
00:13:24,247 --> 00:13:27,583
For me, that woman
is Cheryl Tiegs.
320
00:13:27,650 --> 00:13:29,251
You'd never fall
for these tricks.
321
00:13:29,319 --> 00:13:31,286
That's why I keep trying
to figure out
322
00:13:31,354 --> 00:13:33,088
how to bring you
back into my life.
323
00:13:33,156 --> 00:13:34,723
So we can make it work.
324
00:13:34,791 --> 00:13:36,992
I still remember the day we met.
325
00:13:39,362 --> 00:13:41,263
Hey-ho, look at the man
on the unicycle.
326
00:13:41,331 --> 00:13:43,499
Look at the man on the unicycle
with a parrot on his shoulder.
327
00:13:43,566 --> 00:13:45,501
Hey-ho, put five cents
in the hat.
328
00:13:45,568 --> 00:13:47,169
That's quite a skill
you've got the.
329
00:13:47,237 --> 00:13:49,371
Well, ever since I got
discharged from the Navy,
330
00:13:49,439 --> 00:13:51,140
I do anything I can
to make money.
331
00:13:51,207 --> 00:13:53,242
I'm thinking about getting
my pilot's license.
332
00:13:53,309 --> 00:13:55,477
Well, I think
unicycles are sexy.
333
00:13:58,581 --> 00:14:01,550
Glenn, these past few weeks
have been amazing.
334
00:14:01,618 --> 00:14:03,685
I think I'm falling
in love with you.
335
00:14:03,753 --> 00:14:05,721
I know. I feel the same way.
336
00:14:05,788 --> 00:14:07,289
If this is the kind of joy
337
00:14:07,357 --> 00:14:09,691
the '80s has in store
for me, I'm ready.
338
00:14:09,759 --> 00:14:12,895
But that wasn't the case.
339
00:14:12,962 --> 00:14:15,497
In fact, things went
wrong real fast.
340
00:14:15,565 --> 00:14:17,332
♪ ♪
341
00:14:21,004 --> 00:14:23,939
Uh, Cheryl, don't you think
it's time for us to go now?
342
00:14:24,007 --> 00:14:25,340
Why? We just got here?
343
00:14:25,408 --> 00:14:26,508
I'm having a good time.
344
00:14:26,576 --> 00:14:27,876
Yeah, I can tell.
345
00:14:27,944 --> 00:14:30,145
You've been talking to
John Davidson for half an hour.
346
00:14:30,213 --> 00:14:31,947
Hey, Glenn, great
to meet you.
347
00:14:32,015 --> 00:14:33,715
John Davidson, host
of That's Incredible.
348
00:14:33,783 --> 00:14:35,517
Oh, hey, John.
I like your work...
349
00:14:35,585 --> 00:14:37,052
not!
350
00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,921
That was the first time
anybody ever used that.
351
00:14:38,988 --> 00:14:40,355
First time, I swear to God.
352
00:14:40,423 --> 00:14:43,358
Glenn, I've about had it
with your petty jealousy.
353
00:14:43,426 --> 00:14:45,594
I'm starting to think this
relationship is a mistake.
354
00:14:45,662 --> 00:14:48,130
Well, maybe it is.
355
00:14:48,198 --> 00:14:51,099
Wow, did you just break up
with Cheryl Tiegs?
356
00:14:51,167 --> 00:14:52,668
I sure did.
357
00:14:52,735 --> 00:14:54,203
What do you think
of that, folks?
358
00:14:54,270 --> 00:14:56,572
That's incredible!
359
00:15:00,643 --> 00:15:04,079
Someday...
someday we'll make it right.
360
00:15:04,147 --> 00:15:06,715
You shouldn't have tried
these tricks on Denise, Brian.
361
00:15:06,783 --> 00:15:08,550
But if you ask me,
she got lucky,
362
00:15:08,618 --> 00:15:10,285
because now she's dodged
the bullet of being
363
00:15:10,353 --> 00:15:12,087
in a relationship with
a loser like you.
364
00:15:12,155 --> 00:15:14,189
Well, you just think you know
everything, don't you?
365
00:15:14,257 --> 00:15:16,391
Y-You're like a black
woman in hindsight.
366
00:15:16,459 --> 00:15:18,627
I told you.
What did I tell you?
367
00:15:18,695 --> 00:15:21,063
Didn't I tell you?
'Cause I told you.
368
00:15:21,130 --> 00:15:23,432
Mm-hmm, and when
did I tell you?
369
00:15:23,499 --> 00:15:24,800
A long time ago.
370
00:15:24,867 --> 00:15:27,402
And what did I say would
happen when I told you?
371
00:15:27,470 --> 00:15:29,504
Exactly what just happened.
372
00:15:38,948 --> 00:15:41,583
Wha... Are... Are you...
373
00:15:41,651 --> 00:15:42,784
Cheryl?!
374
00:15:42,852 --> 00:15:44,019
Hi, Glenn.
375
00:15:44,087 --> 00:15:45,954
Oh, my God. Cheryl.
376
00:15:46,022 --> 00:15:47,422
Wha-- what are
you doing here?
377
00:15:47,490 --> 00:15:49,024
Well, you know, it's
been so many years,
378
00:15:49,092 --> 00:15:50,325
and I was in the neighborhood,
379
00:15:50,393 --> 00:15:52,394
and I thought I'd just
drop by and say hi.
380
00:15:52,462 --> 00:15:54,997
My new boyfriend I guess knows
you, and told me where you live.
381
00:15:56,633 --> 00:15:59,501
Hey, Cheryl, get your fat ass
over here before I dump you.
382
00:15:59,569 --> 00:16:01,503
He's so bossy.
383
00:16:01,571 --> 00:16:02,704
I love it.
384
00:16:02,772 --> 00:16:04,740
Well, it was great
seeing you, Glenn.
385
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:25,776
Where is he?!
386
00:16:25,844 --> 00:16:28,245
Where's that
son of a bitch?!
387
00:16:28,313 --> 00:16:30,147
Whoa, whoa.
What's going on, Quagmire?
388
00:16:30,215 --> 00:16:31,748
You dirty bastard.
389
00:16:31,816 --> 00:16:33,350
I always knew
you were low,
390
00:16:33,418 --> 00:16:36,620
but you're nothing more than
a back-stabbing, junkyard cur.
391
00:16:36,688 --> 00:16:38,755
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the hell, man?
392
00:16:38,823 --> 00:16:41,792
My whole life's been
dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs!
393
00:16:41,860 --> 00:16:43,160
Yeah, I know. So what?
394
00:16:43,228 --> 00:16:44,695
Your dog is dating her!
395
00:16:44,762 --> 00:16:45,762
No way.
396
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,431
You're banging Cheryl Tiegs?
397
00:16:47,498 --> 00:16:49,600
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
398
00:16:49,667 --> 00:16:50,968
Light the beacons.
399
00:17:02,981 --> 00:17:04,748
♪ ♪
400
00:17:23,034 --> 00:17:25,602
♪ ♪
401
00:17:34,545 --> 00:17:36,446
Cheryl Tiegs.
402
00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:37,648
Nice.
403
00:17:40,151 --> 00:17:44,054
♪ ♪
404
00:17:44,122 --> 00:17:48,258
I really like
this restaurant.
405
00:17:48,326 --> 00:17:50,060
Brian, you're acting
a little distant.
406
00:17:50,128 --> 00:17:51,361
Yeah, get whatever you want.
407
00:17:51,429 --> 00:17:54,798
Oh, hey guys, fancy me
running into you here.
408
00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:56,533
Oh, hey, Quagmire.
409
00:17:56,601 --> 00:17:58,669
Listen, Brian, I--
I've been a real heel,
410
00:17:58,736 --> 00:18:00,904
and I'd like
to make it up to you.
411
00:18:00,972 --> 00:18:04,775
Oh, well, that's very kind of
you, but there-there's no need.
412
00:18:04,842 --> 00:18:07,077
No, no, no, no,
I-I-I-I want to. I want to.
413
00:18:07,145 --> 00:18:09,212
In fact, you know, since
you guys are already here,
414
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,448
I'd like to treat
the four of us to dinner.
415
00:18:11,516 --> 00:18:13,784
Well, sure, I...
wait, who's the fourth?
416
00:18:13,851 --> 00:18:15,285
Oh, my new girlfriend.
417
00:18:15,353 --> 00:18:16,520
Here she is.
418
00:18:16,587 --> 00:18:17,621
Jillian?
419
00:18:17,689 --> 00:18:19,022
Hi, Brian.
420
00:18:19,090 --> 00:18:20,223
How are you?
421
00:18:20,291 --> 00:18:21,525
Oh, he's doing great.
422
00:18:21,592 --> 00:18:23,026
Isn't that
right, pal?
423
00:18:23,094 --> 00:18:25,796
Guy looks like a million bucks,
all green and wrinkly, right?
424
00:18:25,863 --> 00:18:27,230
Oh, get in here.
425
00:18:27,298 --> 00:18:29,333
Ha-ha, hey, ho, ho,
whoa, heh.
426
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:32,235
Okay, let's, uh,
let's have dinner, huh?
427
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:37,607
So, uh, how did you
guys get together?
428
00:18:37,675 --> 00:18:40,043
Um, he showed up at my door
429
00:18:40,111 --> 00:18:42,112
and said he was
a Federal Boob Inspector.
430
00:18:42,180 --> 00:18:45,882
And I was gonna tell him to
go away, but he had a warrant.
431
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,417
It was a Snickers
wrapper, Brian.
432
00:18:47,485 --> 00:18:48,952
I held up a
Snickers wrapper.
433
00:18:49,020 --> 00:18:51,254
But then he started saying
things to me
434
00:18:51,322 --> 00:18:53,790
that my father might say
if he were still alive,
435
00:18:53,858 --> 00:18:56,593
and I knew I liked him.
436
00:18:56,661 --> 00:18:58,462
Well, I guess you guys have
gotten pretty close, huh?
437
00:18:58,529 --> 00:19:01,098
Did Quagmire ever tell you
he was obese as a child?
438
00:19:01,165 --> 00:19:03,000
Did Brian ever tell you
he once had a tick
439
00:19:03,067 --> 00:19:05,569
on the back of his neck that he
couldn't reach with his mouth,
440
00:19:05,636 --> 00:19:07,771
and it swelled up to the
size of a ping-pong ball?
441
00:19:07,839 --> 00:19:09,339
Well, it was still smaller
than that thing
442
00:19:09,407 --> 00:19:10,841
you had on your lip
for three years.
443
00:19:10,908 --> 00:19:12,509
Oh, three years?
You mean like
444
00:19:12,577 --> 00:19:14,444
the three years you
have left on this planet?
445
00:19:14,512 --> 00:19:15,846
Oh, that's nice.
446
00:19:15,913 --> 00:19:18,215
Hey, if you guys are so
close, maybe Jillian should know
447
00:19:18,282 --> 00:19:20,083
that you teach a class
in picking up women.
448
00:19:20,151 --> 00:19:22,219
And Cheryl should know
that you took that class.
449
00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:24,454
Does Jillian know you're half
Polish, Mr. Quagglechek?
450
00:19:24,522 --> 00:19:25,655
You son of a bitch!
451
00:19:31,863 --> 00:19:34,231
Enough. Stop it,
both of you.
452
00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:36,533
You obviously have
no respect for either of us.
453
00:19:36,601 --> 00:19:38,735
Yeah, you're
acting all mean.
454
00:19:38,803 --> 00:19:42,005
Now I'm glad you made me
face away during sex.
455
00:19:42,073 --> 00:19:44,541
Maybe you boys will get
it together someday,
456
00:19:44,609 --> 00:19:46,777
but it looks like that's
all you are-- boys.
457
00:19:46,844 --> 00:19:48,278
Yeah. Boys.
458
00:19:48,346 --> 00:19:50,180
Yay, I helped.
459
00:19:50,248 --> 00:19:52,115
Cheryl, wait.
Jillian.
460
00:19:52,183 --> 00:19:54,117
I'm sorry.
I'll do anything, please.
461
00:19:58,523 --> 00:19:59,923
Meg?
462
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:02,159
Yeah, this still
happens sometimes.
463
00:20:07,632 --> 00:20:09,232
Hey.
464
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:10,434
You okay?
465
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:11,501
Yep.
466
00:20:11,569 --> 00:20:13,003
Just waiting for my car.
467
00:20:15,073 --> 00:20:18,675
Look, I'm sorry
I did what I did.
468
00:20:18,743 --> 00:20:22,079
Cheryl's great,
and I hope someday
469
00:20:22,146 --> 00:20:23,713
you get the chance
to be with her.
470
00:20:23,781 --> 00:20:26,483
No. I'm never gonna get
that chance again.
471
00:20:26,551 --> 00:20:28,585
I blew it for good, Brian.
472
00:20:28,653 --> 00:20:29,953
And you know what?
473
00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:31,421
I deserve to be lonely.
474
00:20:31,489 --> 00:20:32,823
I'm no saint.
475
00:20:32,890 --> 00:20:34,991
I dated Jillian
just to hurt you.
476
00:20:35,059 --> 00:20:36,593
It's okay.
477
00:20:36,661 --> 00:20:39,262
It probably wouldn't have worked
out, like everything else.
478
00:20:39,330 --> 00:20:41,665
Hey, you know,
may-maybe it took us
479
00:20:41,732 --> 00:20:43,900
stealing each other's girls
to finally become friends.
480
00:20:43,968 --> 00:20:45,135
Yeah, maybe.
481
00:20:51,109 --> 00:20:53,777
Oh, hey, uh, listen,
Cheryl actually drove me,
482
00:20:53,845 --> 00:20:56,113
and I spent all my cash
in the restaurant
483
00:20:56,180 --> 00:20:58,548
even... even... even though
you said you'd pay.
484
00:20:58,616 --> 00:21:01,184
So, uh, would you mind
giving me a lift home, buddy?
485
00:21:01,252 --> 00:21:04,652
== Sync, corrected by elderman ==