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ś ś
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ś ś
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ś ś
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Hi.
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I'm Ron MacFarlane,
Seth MacFarlane's father.
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And I'm here
to tell you the story
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of a very special Christmas
in Quahog.
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Kenny Rogers was supposed
to be here,
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but I think he's dead.
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Anyway, Seth came out
of my penis,
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and now he made this.
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Our story begins in Quahog
just before Christmas time.
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The town was blanketed
with snow,
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the trees were being trimmed,
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and everyone was making up
their Christmas lists.
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(upbeat tune plays)
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ś Jessica Biel and Megan Fox ś
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ś Wearing nothing
but their socks ś
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ś Is all I really want
for Christmas this year! ś
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Well, that's just not practical.
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ś Spending a week in Mexico ś
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ś With some black guys
and some blow ś
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ś Is all I really want
for Christmas this year! ś
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Oh, that sounds
terrific.
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How about you, kids?
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ś I would like a pair
of skates ś
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ś Then I'd go out skating ś
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ś But I really don't know
how to skate! ś
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Ha-ha!
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ś I want a Lexus all in pink ś
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ś And a dad who doesn't drink ś
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ś Oh, and that reminds me--
12 kegs of beer! ś
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ś All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer is ś
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ś All I really want this year! ś
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Santa's got his work
cut out for him.
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Oh, we ain't even
gotten started yet.
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ś I want to tour
the Spanish coast ś
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ś Lunch with
Michael Landon's ghost ś
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ś Is all I really want
for Christmas this year! ś
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Wait. What?
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Forget it.
Keep going.
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ś Jennifer Garner in my bed ś
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ś Softer voices in my head ś
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ś Is all I really want
for Christmas this year! ś
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ś Yellow cake uranium ś
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ś Never mind the reason ś
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ś Also Chutes and Ladders
and a ball! ś
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(laughing)
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ś Doesn't this seem
like too much stuff? ś
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ś Poo on you,
it's not enough! ś
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ś Buddy boy, I got your
Christmas right here ś
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ś All these happy wishes ś
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ś And lots of Christmas cheer ś
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ś Is all I really want
this year! ś
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I'm just saying,
it seems a bit excessive.
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Oh, get off your soap box,
Brian.
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It's Christmas.
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And Christmas is
about gettin'!
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Everyone in town
knows that!
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ś Japanese girls
with no restraint ś
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ś Just to choke me
till I faint ś
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ś Is all I really want
for Christmas this year! ś
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Ooh, giggity!
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ś Platinum-plated silverware ś
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ś Just one day
when kids don't stare ś
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ś Is all I really want
for Christmas this year! ś
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ś If you put a Christmas tree
in the public airport ś
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ś I will go to court
and sue your ass! ś
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Happy holidays!
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ś Wouldn't I love
a tinker toy ś
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ś And a little drummer boy ś
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ś He can either tap his drum
or my rear ś
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ś All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer ś
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ś Is all I really want
this year! ś
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ś I want a golden
mustache comb ś
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ś And some
spermicidal foam ś
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ś That's all I really want
for Christmas this year ś
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ś I want a brand-new
pitching wedge ś
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ś I would like
more Lemon Pledge ś
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ś That's all I really want
for Christmas this year ś
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ś I just want a wedding ring ś
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ś From someone named Jeffrey ś
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ś I just want
some colored Easter eggs ś
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ś I want a Blu-Ray of The Wiz ś
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ś We don't know
what Christmas is! ś
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ś We have something else
called Gishgemfloofneer! ś
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ś All these happy wishes
and lots of Christmas cheer ś
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ś Is all I really want
this year! ś
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ś ś
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I am so excited
to see Santa Claus.
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You know what I think
is really wonderful?
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Of all the malls
in this great country of ours,
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he chooses to come here.
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Year after year.
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You know, I mean, who...
who are we? You know?
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I'll tell you who we are--
the lucky ones.
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Uh-oh.
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Oh, my God,
look at the line.
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Damn it, we're gonna
be here forever.
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Hey, wait, look!
There's Quagmire, way up front.
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We can cut in line
with him.
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Uh, wait, Stewie.
He doesn't like me so mu...
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(sighs)
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Glenn? Glenn
Quagmire?
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Wha...
Wow.
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What... what
are you doing here?
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Oh, hi, Brian.
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Just waiting for Santa,
like everyone else.
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Wow, cool. Cool.
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Oh, man, we'll just hang
with you guys here.
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Who's this little guy? Huh?
Is this your nephew?
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Hey, buddy,
you here to see Santa?
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Yeah. I hope you've been
a good boy this year.
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That little guy is my
niece Abby, you douche.
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Her hair's short because
of the chemotherapy.
Uh-oh.
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Do you know how much
talking it took
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to get her out of the house
because of her no-hair?
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Oh, gosh, I-I didn't know.
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I'm so... I'm so sorry.
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Oh, you're sorry?
For-For what?
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That waiting in line is
such a catastrophe for you
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that you'd rather
destroy the confidence
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of a five-year-old
cancer patient?
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Oh, come on.
I-I didn't know she was dying.
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Who said anything
about dying?!
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Uncle Glenn,
am I dying?
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No, sweetheart,
you're not dying.
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'Cause we're
gonna see Santa,
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and he's gonna bring
you a new brain.
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Get out of here, Brian.
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Just get out of here.
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Should have gone
into politics, Bri.
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Now we got to go to
the back of the line.
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What the hell! Why
isn't it moving?
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I don't know.
It's always the same thing.
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Some fat kid sitting
on Santa's lap taking all day.
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Yeah, yeah. And I want
a Charles in Charge lunch box
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and I want a Magna Doodle
and a new Uno game
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on a 'cause of
I lost the "Draw 2" card.
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And I want a pet animal
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that's half chinchilla
and half mink,
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'cause it'd be really soft,
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and I could call it chink,
and that's okay.
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Geez, doesn't the
mall close soon?
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We've been here forever.
146
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Would you relax?
We're right here. I'm next.
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(camera shutter clicks)
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Hello, Santa.
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Now, um,
we've got a slight problem here,
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because I have been
rather naughty.
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But you're a business man,
I'm a business man.
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I'm sure we can work...
something... out.
153
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Wait. What are you doing?
154
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Santa? You can't leave now!
155
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Hey, wait-wait, buddy, buddy,
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we've been in line
for, like, two hours.
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Sorry. I'm done.
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You want your kid
to sit on my lap,
159
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meet me at the bar
at Applebee's.
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Aw, that sucks.
161
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Sorry, Stewie.
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That son of a bitch.
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00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,800
He just turned
his back on me.
164
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The way reality turned
its back on Gary Busey.
165
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How am I doing today,
Gary Busey?
166
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You're doing great!
167
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Good! Then I'll keep it up!
168
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Hey, give me your keys.
I need your car.
169
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What? You're not
taking my car.
170
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Very well, then.
You're driving me. Let's go.
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Dri-Driving you where?
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To the North Pole
to see Santa Claus.
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If that beslubbering,
onion-eyed maggot-pie thinks
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he can just blow me off
like that, he's got another
thing coming.
175
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Look, Stewie, I know
you're disappointed
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that you didn't
get to see Santa,
177
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but I-I'm not driving
you to the North Pole.
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Everyone,
Quagmire's niece is in the ICU.
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Now, I think we should go
down there to support him.
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Wh-What?
Yeah, apparently,
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something happened at the mall,
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and she took a turn
for the worse.
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They don't know how much time
she has left.
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Quagmire just called.
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He's really upset.
186
00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:02,020
It doesn't sound
like he wants us there
187
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for some reason,
but-but we should go anyway.
188
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All right, let's go
to the North Pole.
189
00:09:06,830 --> 00:09:12,670
And so Brian and Stewie set off
on the road to the North Pole.
190
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:15,360
Hey, you want
to hear a real live-action fart
191
00:09:15,370 --> 00:09:18,710
instead of one
of those fake cartoony ones?
192
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:21,100
(breaking wind)
193
00:09:22,540 --> 00:09:24,700
We're gonna need another pair
of pants...
194
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and another chair.
195
00:09:36,190 --> 00:09:38,230
Hey, Stewie, wake up.
196
00:09:38,220 --> 00:09:40,320
We're here. We're
at the North Pole.
197
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,100
Oh, uh. What? What? What?
198
00:09:42,090 --> 00:09:43,460
Uh, North Pole?
199
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,030
North Pole! North Pole!
200
00:09:49,030 --> 00:09:50,260
There it is!
201
00:09:50,270 --> 00:09:52,400
My word, I really
must have been asleep!
202
00:09:55,810 --> 00:09:56,950
Ah, look at this.
203
00:09:56,940 --> 00:09:58,570
The tip of the Earth, Brian.
204
00:09:58,580 --> 00:10:00,150
Okay, let's go see Santa Claus.
205
00:10:00,150 --> 00:10:02,150
All right, let's go.
206
00:10:04,180 --> 00:10:06,880
Well, this is rather
festive, isn't it?
207
00:10:08,890 --> 00:10:11,800
Small.
208
00:10:13,830 --> 00:10:17,170
Well, it has to be small
because of all the tiny elves.
209
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:18,260
Ah, that's right.
210
00:10:18,260 --> 00:10:19,430
Good. Good point. Elves.
211
00:10:19,430 --> 00:10:21,060
MAN:
Yo, yo, what's up, y'alls?
212
00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:24,570
Y'alls ready to kick it
in some fine North Pole gear?
213
00:10:24,570 --> 00:10:28,270
Brian, why does the North Pole
have black teenagers?
214
00:10:28,270 --> 00:10:31,070
Uh... 'cause...
from, uh, Katrina?
215
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:32,420
Ah, of course. All right.
216
00:10:32,410 --> 00:10:34,740
Well, uh, I just have
one more question, then.
217
00:10:34,750 --> 00:10:37,190
(yelling):
Do you think I'm an idiot?!
Huh? Do you?
218
00:10:37,180 --> 00:10:39,610
Look, Stewie, the North Pole
is a long and dangerous...
219
00:10:39,620 --> 00:10:42,730
You can't jerk me around when
it comes to Santa Claus, Brian!
220
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:45,820
There is a Ferris wheel here,
and a guy hosing vomit!
221
00:10:45,820 --> 00:10:48,190
Nobody vomits
at the North Pole!
222
00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:51,090
Except for Santa's wife because
she has an eating disorder!
223
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:54,040
What?
Yeah, 'cause he can have anyone
he wants, and she knows that!
224
00:10:54,030 --> 00:10:55,600
Stewie, just pull
yourself together.
225
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:56,960
I won't, Brian!
226
00:10:56,970 --> 00:10:59,100
Now you get your ass back
into that hippie car of yours
227
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:00,530
and take me
to the North Pole now!
228
00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:01,630
Look, I know
you're upset,
229
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,140
but why-why don't
you just sit down,
230
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:04,340
write out your
Christmas list,
231
00:11:04,340 --> 00:11:06,370
and I promise I will
mail it to Santa Claus?
232
00:11:06,380 --> 00:11:07,620
Screw that.
233
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:10,040
This was never about
Christmas presents, Brian.
234
00:11:10,050 --> 00:11:12,710
Well, then why do you
want to go all the way
to the North Pole?
235
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:16,860
Because... I'm going
to kill Santa Claus!
236
00:11:16,860 --> 00:11:18,160
(dramatic music plays)
237
00:11:22,460 --> 00:11:27,230
RON:
So it turned out Stewie was
determined to kill Santa Claus.
238
00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:29,300
Would he succeed?
239
00:11:29,300 --> 00:11:31,430
Well, let's find out.
240
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,880
Wait a minute, why the hell
do you want to kill Santa?
241
00:11:33,870 --> 00:11:36,200
Because that fat bastard
blew me off at the mall,
242
00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:37,610
and he shall not
go unpunished.
243
00:11:37,610 --> 00:11:39,710
Now, let's go.
I've got it all
planned out.
244
00:11:39,710 --> 00:11:41,810
I'm gonna see
the workshop, pet
a few reindeer,
245
00:11:41,810 --> 00:11:43,710
take a few pictures
of me and Santa,
246
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:45,560
and then I'm gonna
blow his brains out,
247
00:11:45,550 --> 00:11:46,950
hopefully with his
bitch wife watching.
248
00:11:46,950 --> 00:11:49,550
This is ridiculous--
we are not going
to the North Pole.
249
00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:52,320
Trust me, it's a waste of time--
you're not gonna find Santa.
250
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,690
Why not?
Because there's
no such...
251
00:11:56,130 --> 00:11:58,770
Because when you get there,
you may find out
252
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,730
it isn't what
you thought it was,
253
00:12:00,730 --> 00:12:03,130
and I wouldn't want you
to be disappointed.
254
00:12:03,130 --> 00:12:05,030
That's it? That's
your reason?
255
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,880
Well, you know, you
know why nothing works
out for you, Brian?
256
00:12:07,870 --> 00:12:09,370
Because you've got
a negative attitude.
257
00:12:09,370 --> 00:12:10,870
Like Eeyore.
258
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:12,950
Come on, Eeyore,
let's go play.
259
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:14,610
I don't feel like it.
260
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:17,910
Why are you always
in such a bad mood?
261
00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:20,720
I have a nail
in my anus.
Oh.
262
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:22,580
That's not fair.
I don't think I have
263
00:12:22,590 --> 00:12:23,730
a negative attitude.
I just...
264
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,590
I-I don't think
it's a good idea for us
265
00:12:25,590 --> 00:12:28,290
to embark on a potentially
dangerous journey whe...
266
00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:29,420
Stewie?
267
00:12:29,430 --> 00:12:30,600
(truck horn blows)
268
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:32,640
STEWIE:
Say yes to life, Brian!
269
00:12:32,630 --> 00:12:34,290
I'll be home for Christmas.
270
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,000
Son of a bitch!
271
00:12:39,070 --> 00:12:41,130
(tires squealing)
272
00:12:45,010 --> 00:12:46,770
So, what are we
hauling, good buddy?
273
00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:48,580
Oh, I got a
flock of birds
274
00:12:48,580 --> 00:12:50,510
that were too tired
to fly back north.
275
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,790
Boy, this is the way
to do it, huh, Jerry?
276
00:12:52,780 --> 00:12:55,110
Sure is. Think
this makes us lazy?
277
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,480
Nah, we're still
in the V-shape.
278
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,020
ś ś
279
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:41,760
What is this?
This is a weird gun.
280
00:13:41,770 --> 00:13:43,110
Yeah. Don't touch that.
281
00:13:43,100 --> 00:13:44,430
Oh, it's a flare gun.
282
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:46,110
Maybe you should
put that back.
283
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,230
I'm just holding it.
Is this the trigger?
284
00:13:51,440 --> 00:13:53,410
(screaming)
285
00:14:14,870 --> 00:14:16,610
(tires screeching)
286
00:14:27,110 --> 00:14:29,440
Oh, my God, Stewie,
you all right?
287
00:14:29,450 --> 00:14:30,820
What the hell
happened?
288
00:14:30,820 --> 00:14:33,490
Eh, just some stupid
stuff went down.
289
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:34,850
You could have
been killed!
290
00:14:34,850 --> 00:14:36,180
I could have
been killed!
291
00:14:36,190 --> 00:14:37,360
Look at my car!
292
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,300
Well, you know, if
you had just taken me
293
00:14:39,290 --> 00:14:41,050
to the real North Pole
to see Santa,
294
00:14:41,060 --> 00:14:43,190
none of this
would have happened!
295
00:14:43,190 --> 00:14:44,860
Wh-Wh-What is this?
What are you doing?
296
00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:46,060
Hitching a ride.
297
00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:48,160
I'm gonna keep heading
north until I find Santa.
298
00:14:48,170 --> 00:14:49,540
Stewie, you're not
gonna find him.
299
00:14:49,530 --> 00:14:50,900
You do what you
want, Brian,
300
00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:52,730
but I am going
to the North Pole
301
00:14:52,740 --> 00:14:54,210
and I'm gonna kill
that bastard!
302
00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:56,580
Stewie, you're putting me
in a hell of a position here,
303
00:14:56,570 --> 00:14:58,000
but I have no choice.
304
00:14:58,010 --> 00:14:59,570
You're not gonna
kill Santa Claus,
305
00:14:59,580 --> 00:15:01,120
because he doesn't exist.
306
00:15:02,150 --> 00:15:04,920
(chuckling):
R-R-Really, Brian?
307
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,260
He doesn't exist?
308
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:07,850
That's right,
he's not real.
309
00:15:07,850 --> 00:15:09,480
Oh, interesting.
Interesting theory, Brian.
310
00:15:09,490 --> 00:15:11,360
Um, who else
isn't real, hmm?
311
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,600
You gonna tell me
that Elmo isn't real?
312
00:15:13,590 --> 00:15:16,590
Huh? SpongeBob?
Is he not real, Brian?
313
00:15:16,590 --> 00:15:19,590
Is-is SpongeBob not there
at the bottom of the ocean
314
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:21,640
giving Squidward
the business? Hmm?
315
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:23,530
And what about
Curious George?
316
00:15:23,530 --> 00:15:26,170
Huh? Does he not
really exist? Hmm?
317
00:15:26,170 --> 00:15:28,130
Is Curious George
not really out there
318
00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:29,840
making little boats
out of newspapers
319
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,840
that he should be
delivering? Huh?
320
00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,810
Educate yourself,
you fool.
321
00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:35,710
Look, Stewie, if you'd
just listen for a sec...
322
00:15:35,710 --> 00:15:36,980
No, you listen, Brian!
323
00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:39,810
I'll tell you what, you
take me to the North Pole,
324
00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:42,890
and if Santa isn't there,
I'll do something for you.
325
00:15:42,890 --> 00:15:44,760
What?
When Lois does that
326
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,100
middle-of-the-night feeding
327
00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:48,690
where she doesn't even open
her eyes or really wake up,
328
00:15:48,690 --> 00:15:51,060
I'll let you take that
one for me, Brian.
329
00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:52,260
Are you serious?
330
00:15:52,260 --> 00:15:54,160
Quite.
331
00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:55,910
Okay, you got a deal.
332
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:01,570
Damn it, it
won't turn over.
333
00:16:01,570 --> 00:16:04,970
Great! Not even halfway through
Canada, and we're stuck.
334
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:09,240
Oh, hey there.
335
00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:11,020
You having some
car troubles, eh?
336
00:16:11,020 --> 00:16:13,060
Yeah, we're trying to get
to the North Pole.
337
00:16:13,050 --> 00:16:15,280
I don't suppose you're
from Triple A, are you?
Who?
338
00:16:15,290 --> 00:16:16,960
Triple A,
you know? AAA.
339
00:16:16,950 --> 00:16:19,420
Oh, AA, eh?
Yeah, I just
came from AA.
340
00:16:19,420 --> 00:16:20,750
No, not AA. AAA.
341
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,260
Yeah, that's what
I said-- AA, eh?
342
00:16:22,260 --> 00:16:23,760
Oh, so you are
with Triple A?
343
00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,890
Oh, no, that's AAA.
I just came from AA, eh?
344
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:27,600
Huh?
Stewie, I think
he's just a drunk.
345
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,300
Well, drunk or not,
can you help us?
346
00:16:29,300 --> 00:16:31,200
I can if you want
to join AA, eh?
347
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,730
No, I'm already
a member of AAA.
348
00:16:32,740 --> 00:16:34,180
I need help
with the car.
349
00:16:34,170 --> 00:16:36,540
Oh, I see. Yeah, looks like
you got some water leakage.
350
00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:38,040
You might need
a hose, eh?
351
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:40,070
Jose, Roberto, whatever--
if you've got some
Latinos up here
352
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,540
that can fix cars,
that'd be great.
353
00:16:41,550 --> 00:16:43,790
No, I mean, it looks
like you need a part, eh?
354
00:16:43,780 --> 00:16:45,410
Well, yeah,
when it's fixed,
we can celebrate,
355
00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:46,890
but let's deal with
first things first.
356
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,120
Well, I can probably take
you to a gas station, eh?
357
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:51,850
You have cash, eh?
I don't know, my name
carries a little weight,
358
00:16:51,860 --> 00:16:53,530
but I don't see how
that matters here.
359
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,620
Look, we don't have enough cash
to fix the car,
360
00:16:55,630 --> 00:16:57,970
and we're kind of on our way
to the North Pole.
361
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,230
Oh, a car won't take
you there, anyway.
362
00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:03,400
But if you like,
you can take my
snowmobile.
363
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,930
Really? You'd just...
give it to us?
364
00:17:05,940 --> 00:17:08,580
Oh, sure, that's what Canadian
hospitality's all about.
365
00:17:08,570 --> 00:17:12,110
If you like, you can have
all my money and my leg.
366
00:17:12,110 --> 00:17:13,370
Okay.
367
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:21,650
ś ś
368
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:25,960
Why'd we take his leg?
369
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,430
Well, we're in their
country, Brian--
370
00:17:27,430 --> 00:17:28,930
we have to observe
their customs.
371
00:17:28,930 --> 00:17:30,170
Oh! Oh, dear.
372
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:32,800
Well, at least we're done
373
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,970
with the first leg
of our journey, Brian.
374
00:17:34,970 --> 00:17:37,240
Ha!
Damn right, ha.
375
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,100
Brian, how long do you
think we've been driving?
376
00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:11,930
I don't know,
I've lost track.
377
00:18:11,940 --> 00:18:14,140
Besides, dogs don't have
a good sense of time.
378
00:18:14,140 --> 00:18:16,140
Could be three hours,
could be three years,
379
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:17,340
I don't (bleep) know.
380
00:18:17,340 --> 00:18:19,770
Well, we must be
pretty far north by now.
381
00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:22,320
Yeah, you're right. Look--
there's the aurora borealis.
382
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,860
Yes, and there's
the aurora boreanaz.
383
00:18:26,850 --> 00:18:28,180
Hi there.
384
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:30,890
Things are kind of
beautiful up north, huh?
385
00:18:34,660 --> 00:18:36,020
Oh, no!
386
00:18:36,030 --> 00:18:37,800
What's the matter?
We're out of gas.
387
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:41,200
Out of gas? But, Brian,
it's freezing out here!
What are we gonna do?
388
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,160
I don't know. We'd better
think of something.
389
00:18:43,170 --> 00:18:45,010
Maybe I
can help.
390
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:49,340
There's an old, abandoned
hunting cabin about two
miles north of here.
391
00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:51,070
You could spend
the night there
392
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,620
and then resume your
journey in the morning.
393
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:54,940
Thanks, David.
394
00:18:54,950 --> 00:18:58,020
Guess there are a few stars
in the sky tonight.
395
00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:00,160
(chuckling)
396
00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:01,310
Come on.
397
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:02,520
Come on, now.
398
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:04,850
Okay, we'll leave you alone.
399
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:15,740
ś ś
400
00:19:54,540 --> 00:19:57,040
All right, this
should do for the night.
401
00:19:57,040 --> 00:19:58,800
Look, Stewie, now that
we have a moment,
402
00:19:58,810 --> 00:20:01,870
I-I think we should
really try to call Lois
and tell her where we are.
403
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,540
Oh, don't worry--
I've got that covered.
404
00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:06,950
Hey, Lois, would you make
an appointment for me
405
00:20:06,950 --> 00:20:08,510
to be neutered
in two days?
406
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,850
Well, a-are you
sure, Brian?
Yes, I'm sure.
407
00:20:10,860 --> 00:20:12,800
And whatever I say
in two days,
408
00:20:12,790 --> 00:20:15,690
do not let me convince you
that I've changed my mind.
409
00:20:15,690 --> 00:20:18,290
Wow, you sound
pretty serious
about this, Brian.
410
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,970
Oh, I am. In fact,
I have this document
411
00:20:20,970 --> 00:20:22,810
that legally
binds me to same.
412
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:24,460
Have you had
it notarized?
413
00:20:24,470 --> 00:20:27,200
No. But a notary should
be here any minute.
414
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:29,900
I received a call
about notarizing
a document,
415
00:20:29,910 --> 00:20:32,480
but I am spending
the day with my family,
416
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:33,980
so they are
here, too.
417
00:20:33,980 --> 00:20:35,640
This is my wife, Janice,
418
00:20:35,650 --> 00:20:37,650
my daughters,
Lisa and Jane,
419
00:20:37,650 --> 00:20:40,350
and this is Rosalyn,
a friend of our
daughter Jane's.
420
00:20:40,350 --> 00:20:41,650
Her family life is rough,
421
00:20:41,650 --> 00:20:43,880
so we are kind of like
a second home.
422
00:20:43,890 --> 00:20:46,020
Robert!
Well, it's true.
423
00:20:46,020 --> 00:20:47,850
Well, thank you
for taking the time
424
00:20:47,860 --> 00:20:49,690
to notarize this
important document.
425
00:20:49,690 --> 00:20:51,690
I'm sure you
are quite busy.
426
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:53,400
Yes. We only have a moment,
427
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,070
for we are taking a bus tour
of Providence and other places.
428
00:21:03,970 --> 00:21:07,340
The next morning,
Stewie and Brian set out on foot
429
00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:08,850
for the North Pole.
430
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:12,590
They were cold and tired,
but Stewie was determined
431
00:21:12,580 --> 00:21:16,520
to carry out his plan
to kill Santa Claus.
432
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,350
As long as I've got
all you people watching,
433
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,370
does anyone want
to buy some pot?
434
00:21:22,360 --> 00:21:24,320
ś ś
435
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:35,670
(wind whistling)
436
00:21:59,460 --> 00:22:00,730
My God!
437
00:22:00,730 --> 00:22:02,090
We made it, Brian!
438
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:03,330
The North Pole!
439
00:22:03,330 --> 00:22:05,100
See? Boom!
Right there!
440
00:22:05,100 --> 00:22:06,200
I told you!
441
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,770
This is where
Santa Claus lives!
442
00:22:07,770 --> 00:22:09,240
In your face!
443
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,670
I don't believe it.
444
00:22:10,670 --> 00:22:11,740
It's here.
445
00:22:11,740 --> 00:22:13,110
Damn right,
it's here!
446
00:22:13,110 --> 00:22:14,910
Now, while you think
about the fact
447
00:22:14,910 --> 00:22:16,440
that you're never
going to enjoy
448
00:22:16,450 --> 00:22:18,090
a nocturnal breast-
feeding from Lois,
449
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,610
I shall open the gate.
450
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960
(metallic clank)
451
00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,240
This can't be it.
452
00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,100
This can't be
Santa's workshop.
453
00:22:43,110 --> 00:22:45,110
This looks like
Bridgeport, Connecticut.
454
00:22:45,110 --> 00:22:47,110
Oh, boy, get ready
for the letters.
455
00:22:47,110 --> 00:22:49,140
Dear Family Guy bastards,
456
00:22:49,150 --> 00:22:51,820
who the hell
do you think you are?
457
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:53,820
I'll have you know
that Bridgeport
458
00:22:53,820 --> 00:22:56,480
is among the world leaders
in abandoned buildings,
459
00:22:56,490 --> 00:22:58,730
shattered glass,
boarded-up windows,
460
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:01,650
wild dogs and gas stations
without pumps.
461
00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:04,620
So eat my (bleep), Jew writers.
462
00:23:09,570 --> 00:23:11,310
Well, whatever sort
of trick this is,
463
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:12,730
I will not be deterred.
464
00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:15,980
I'm not leaving until
Santa Claus is dead by my hand!
465
00:23:15,970 --> 00:23:16,970
(knocking)
466
00:23:17,980 --> 00:23:19,980
(door creaking)
467
00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:27,090
Oh, my God!
468
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,820
You're...
you're Santa Claus!
469
00:23:29,820 --> 00:23:31,920
Yeah. Who are you?
470
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:35,150
I'm Stewie Griffin,
and I'm going to kill you!
471
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,090
(sighs)
Ah... thank God!
472
00:23:38,100 --> 00:23:40,240
What?
Do it! Please!
473
00:23:40,230 --> 00:23:42,230
Put me out
of my misery!
474
00:23:42,230 --> 00:23:44,830
You... want me
to kill you?
475
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,540
(muffled):
Come on! What are
you waiting for?!
476
00:23:46,540 --> 00:23:47,810
Pull the trigger!
477
00:23:47,810 --> 00:23:51,150
Well, there isn't
a great deal of sport in that.
478
00:23:51,140 --> 00:23:54,140
(coughing, wheezing)
479
00:23:54,140 --> 00:23:56,280
Oh, my God,
ar-are you all right?
480
00:23:56,280 --> 00:23:57,480
(hacking)
481
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,640
I'm okay.
482
00:23:58,650 --> 00:23:59,780
(hoarsely):
I'm okay.
483
00:23:59,780 --> 00:24:00,910
(hacking)
484
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:02,780
I just need to
catch my breath.
485
00:24:02,790 --> 00:24:04,090
I-I don't understand.
486
00:24:04,090 --> 00:24:06,320
I thought you were supposed
to be jolly and happy.
487
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,690
I used to be,
a long time ago.
488
00:24:08,690 --> 00:24:10,960
I made toys
for little boys and girls.
489
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,290
I loved my work,
and they loved me.
490
00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:15,300
But it just got out of hand.
491
00:24:15,300 --> 00:24:18,400
The world's population
kept growing and growing.
492
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:21,630
Kids wanted more toys,
fancier toys!
493
00:24:21,640 --> 00:24:23,440
We used to make
wooden choo-choos
494
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:24,600
and rag dolls.
495
00:24:24,610 --> 00:24:26,610
You ever try to make an iPod?
496
00:24:26,610 --> 00:24:28,470
I've got orders
for millions of 'em!
497
00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:30,810
Oh, that reminds me--
I need a new version of Quicken.
498
00:24:30,810 --> 00:24:33,510
Look at the toxic
waste we're producing.
499
00:24:40,860 --> 00:24:42,990
In fact, I think the
toxins are taking
500
00:24:42,990 --> 00:24:45,120
even more of a toll
than the inbreeding.
501
00:24:45,130 --> 00:24:47,260
Inbreeding?
Take a look!
502
00:24:48,470 --> 00:24:51,670
I started with one family
of magic elves,
503
00:24:51,670 --> 00:24:55,940
and every year I needed
more and more to keep up.
504
00:24:55,940 --> 00:24:59,810
Now they're just a sickly race
of mutated genetic disasters.
505
00:24:59,810 --> 00:25:02,880
At least 60% of them
are born blind.
506
00:25:05,180 --> 00:25:06,710
(shrieking)
507
00:25:07,820 --> 00:25:09,320
The workload destroys them,
508
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,480
but they don't know
anything else.
509
00:25:11,490 --> 00:25:14,150
It's gotten so their
instincts take over,
and near the end,
510
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:18,420
they just walk out
into the snow and die.
511
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,000
(deep growl)
512
00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,600
Then the reindeer eat them,
513
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:26,530
which has turned the reindeer
into wild, feral creatures
514
00:25:26,540 --> 00:25:28,580
with a blood-lust
for elf flesh.
515
00:25:29,540 --> 00:25:31,570
(growling)
516
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:35,040
I don't even pray
for them anymore.
517
00:25:35,050 --> 00:25:36,390
Seems pointless.
518
00:25:36,380 --> 00:25:38,680
What god would allow this?
519
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,010
This is in none
of the songs or poetry.
520
00:25:41,020 --> 00:25:42,880
It's a horror show up here!
521
00:25:42,890 --> 00:25:44,630
How could you
let this happen?
522
00:25:44,620 --> 00:25:46,620
Me? I didn't do this.
523
00:25:46,620 --> 00:25:48,320
Christmas did!
524
00:25:48,330 --> 00:25:51,200
(lively waltz playing)
525
00:25:57,300 --> 00:26:00,070
ś Each bell would peal
with a silvery zeal ś
526
00:26:00,070 --> 00:26:03,170
ś As the holiday feeling
was filling us ś
527
00:26:03,170 --> 00:26:05,970
ś But now instead
all we're feeling is dread ś
528
00:26:05,980 --> 00:26:09,080
ś Because Christmas time
is killing us! ś
529
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:12,040
ś Each Christmas list
gets us more and more pissed ś
530
00:26:12,050 --> 00:26:14,910
ś Till the thought of existence
is chilling us ś
531
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,880
ś I'll tell you what,
shove your list up your butt ś
532
00:26:17,890 --> 00:26:21,250
ś Because Christmas time
is killing us! ś
533
00:26:21,260 --> 00:26:24,260
ś But can't you see that ś
534
00:26:24,260 --> 00:26:26,990
ś What you do
is a dream come true? ś
535
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,170
ś Can't you see that ś
536
00:26:30,170 --> 00:26:31,570
ś Every smile ś
537
00:26:31,570 --> 00:26:33,400
ś Makes it all
worthwhile? ś
538
00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:35,400
ś No, screw you ś
539
00:26:35,410 --> 00:26:37,410
ś It's all but through ś
540
00:26:37,410 --> 00:26:39,510
ś There's too much to do ś
541
00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:41,710
ś All those dreams ś
542
00:26:41,710 --> 00:26:43,410
ś Are nightmares ś
543
00:26:43,410 --> 00:26:45,410
ś And blank icy stares! ś
544
00:26:45,420 --> 00:26:48,460
ś ś
545
00:26:51,490 --> 00:26:53,920
ś Each little elf
used to fill up a shelf ś
546
00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:57,090
ś Making playthings
and selflessly thrilling us ś
547
00:26:57,090 --> 00:26:59,930
ś Now they're on crack,
and it feels like Iraq ś
548
00:26:59,930 --> 00:27:03,230
ś Because Christmas time
is killing us! ś
549
00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:06,170
ś Each model train
only heightens the pain ś
550
00:27:06,170 --> 00:27:09,370
ś Of a workload that's
draining and drilling us ś
551
00:27:09,370 --> 00:27:11,900
ś Fingers all bleed and look,
that guy just peed ś
552
00:27:11,910 --> 00:27:14,840
ś Because Christmas time
is killing us ś
553
00:27:14,850 --> 00:27:19,620
ś But can't you see
our point of view? ś
554
00:27:19,620 --> 00:27:21,290
ś We rely on you ś
555
00:27:21,290 --> 00:27:25,560
ś Can't you see
that Christmas cheer ś
556
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,500
ś Gets us through the year? ś
557
00:27:27,490 --> 00:27:31,220
ś My whole crew
is black and blue ś
558
00:27:31,230 --> 00:27:33,430
ś Can't you take a clue? ś
559
00:27:33,430 --> 00:27:39,260
ś You may think I look great,
but I'm 28 ś
560
00:27:45,010 --> 00:27:47,640
ś Each jingle bell
is a requiem knell ś
561
00:27:47,640 --> 00:27:50,780
ś And while you think it's swell
we are toiling in Hell ś
562
00:27:50,780 --> 00:27:56,120
ś Take a look, you can tell
as a man I'm a shell ś
563
00:28:00,490 --> 00:28:05,690
ś Because Christmas time
is killing us! ś
564
00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:08,040
ś Killing us! ś
565
00:28:08,030 --> 00:28:10,030
ś Christmas time
is killing us! ś
566
00:28:12,740 --> 00:28:14,740
(coughs)
567
00:28:19,940 --> 00:28:23,140
So Brian and Stewie
found Santa Claus,
568
00:28:23,150 --> 00:28:25,450
but he sure wasn't
what they expected.
569
00:28:25,450 --> 00:28:28,450
It turned out, the increasing
demands of Christmas
570
00:28:28,450 --> 00:28:31,120
had all but destroyed
the poor old man.
571
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:32,620
Okay, look at this.
572
00:28:32,620 --> 00:28:35,450
Somebody gave me a little
remote control helicopter.
573
00:28:35,460 --> 00:28:37,590
Pretty cool, huh?
574
00:28:37,590 --> 00:28:38,790
(rattling, thud)
575
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,370
Oh, it's broken.
576
00:28:49,540 --> 00:28:51,970
I don't know, boys,
he's in rough shape.
577
00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:53,620
Doctor, you've got to
do something for him.
578
00:28:53,610 --> 00:28:54,710
It's Christmas Eve.
579
00:28:54,710 --> 00:28:56,110
Christmas is the problem.
580
00:28:56,110 --> 00:28:57,810
He can't keep this pace up
anymore.
581
00:28:57,820 --> 00:29:00,360
If he goes out tonight,
he'll die.
582
00:29:00,350 --> 00:29:02,650
Well, then who's gonna
deliver all the presents?
583
00:29:02,650 --> 00:29:04,280
We will.
584
00:29:04,290 --> 00:29:05,350
What?
What?
585
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:06,860
Stewie, look,
you were right.
586
00:29:06,860 --> 00:29:08,360
Santa is real.
587
00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:09,690
And he needs
our help.
588
00:29:09,690 --> 00:29:11,020
Don't worry, Santa.
589
00:29:11,030 --> 00:29:13,190
We'll make sure
there's a Christmas this year.
590
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:14,540
Thank you, Brian.
591
00:29:14,530 --> 00:29:16,830
That brings me peace
in this hour.
592
00:29:16,830 --> 00:29:18,500
I'll be with
Allah soon.
593
00:29:18,500 --> 00:29:20,200
What?
594
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,170
Uh, ye-- he doesn't know what
he's saying, he's delirious.
595
00:29:22,170 --> 00:29:23,470
Look, you'd better
get moving.
596
00:29:23,470 --> 00:29:25,170
All right, Stewie,
let's go get the sleigh ready.
597
00:29:25,180 --> 00:29:27,180
Is anyone else
a little freaked out
by that Allah thing?
598
00:29:27,180 --> 00:29:29,550
Never mind that,
let's just get going.
599
00:29:37,820 --> 00:29:40,620
All right, Brian.
Let's do this.
600
00:29:40,620 --> 00:29:42,620
(reins snap)
601
00:29:42,630 --> 00:29:45,630
Go on.
(reins snap)
602
00:29:45,630 --> 00:29:47,230
Giddy-up.
(reins snap)
603
00:29:47,230 --> 00:29:49,730
Come on, you dumb deer.
604
00:29:49,730 --> 00:29:51,900
(reins snapping)
605
00:29:51,900 --> 00:29:53,170
It's not working.
606
00:29:53,170 --> 00:29:54,570
I think they need
to be coaxed.
607
00:29:54,570 --> 00:29:56,370
Santa said they
eat elf flesh.
608
00:29:56,370 --> 00:29:58,240
Uh, oh, oh, excuse me?
609
00:29:58,240 --> 00:29:59,340
Uh, sir?
610
00:29:59,340 --> 00:30:01,540
Mr. Elf, sir?
611
00:30:01,550 --> 00:30:04,550
Hello? Young man?
612
00:30:05,980 --> 00:30:09,350
I-- I don't think
he even knows where he is.
613
00:30:09,350 --> 00:30:11,020
Do-do you want
to just...
614
00:30:11,020 --> 00:30:12,890
Yeah, I mean, uh,
I'll just...
615
00:30:12,890 --> 00:30:15,550
try and do it, I guess.
616
00:30:17,660 --> 00:30:19,860
Hey.
617
00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:21,290
Hey, fella?
618
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:29,130
(blade snaps open)
619
00:30:42,450 --> 00:30:45,980
Um... okay.
620
00:30:45,990 --> 00:30:47,720
Bye.
621
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:00,470
(snarling)
622
00:31:15,250 --> 00:31:17,180
(sleigh grazes smokestack)
623
00:31:17,190 --> 00:31:19,160
Hey, Brian, look.
624
00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:20,900
That one reindeer
just kind of pooped
625
00:31:20,890 --> 00:31:22,820
in the other reindeer's face,
an-and...
626
00:31:22,830 --> 00:31:25,200
and the other reindeer
just kind of ate it.
627
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:27,440
Isn't Christmas magical?
628
00:31:40,410 --> 00:31:42,440
All right,
according to this map,
629
00:31:42,450 --> 00:31:44,350
we're approaching the
northeast coast of the U.S.
630
00:31:44,350 --> 00:31:46,580
Get ready to land.
631
00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:06,300
All right, Bri, this
is it, our first town.
632
00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:07,970
I'm gonna head for that roof.
633
00:32:10,470 --> 00:32:12,400
Why are we tilting?
634
00:32:12,410 --> 00:32:14,840
Look, I've never landed one
of these things before, okay?
635
00:32:16,110 --> 00:32:18,610
BRIAN:
You're coming in too fast!
Look out!
636
00:32:25,990 --> 00:32:26,820
(both screaming)
637
00:32:29,490 --> 00:32:31,290
All right, this is good.
638
00:32:31,290 --> 00:32:33,430
In and out of this house
and onto the next one.
639
00:32:33,430 --> 00:32:34,530
What about the reindeer?
640
00:32:36,570 --> 00:32:37,910
Yeah, we'll cut them down
afterwards.
641
00:32:37,900 --> 00:32:39,260
Now let's get down the chimney.
642
00:32:47,110 --> 00:32:48,540
Ow! You bitch!
643
00:32:48,550 --> 00:32:50,590
Okay, let's get the presents
under the tree.
644
00:32:50,580 --> 00:32:51,810
All right, you have 'em?
645
00:32:51,820 --> 00:32:53,120
I thought you had them.
646
00:32:53,120 --> 00:32:55,760
Oh, for the love of God,
they're still in the sleigh.
647
00:32:55,750 --> 00:32:57,120
Aw, crap. On the roof?
648
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:59,150
(loud metallic scraping)
649
00:33:02,430 --> 00:33:05,630
No, it's...
it's in the yard.
650
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:12,640
Oh, my God.
651
00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:14,510
Didn't you unlock
the door when we left?
652
00:33:14,500 --> 00:33:16,100
No, you were the
last one out!
653
00:33:16,110 --> 00:33:18,450
Well, how the hell
are we gonna get back inside?
654
00:33:18,440 --> 00:33:19,640
All right, find a rock.
655
00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,760
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What are you doing?
656
00:33:29,750 --> 00:33:30,880
I'm putting out the presents.
657
00:33:30,890 --> 00:33:31,960
Not like that you're not.
658
00:33:31,960 --> 00:33:33,600
Tall in the back,
short in the front.
659
00:33:33,590 --> 00:33:35,620
And show some care,
for God's sake.
660
00:33:35,630 --> 00:33:37,500
You know, those-those
aren't socks and underwear
661
00:33:37,490 --> 00:33:39,090
donated by the fire department
662
00:33:39,100 --> 00:33:40,470
to some battered
women's shelter.
663
00:33:40,460 --> 00:33:42,160
Those are Santa gifts, Brian.
664
00:33:42,170 --> 00:33:43,470
You know, you-you have to...
665
00:33:43,470 --> 00:33:44,810
Wait. What-what are you doing?
666
00:33:44,800 --> 00:33:47,230
Did you just eat that
whole cookie off the mantel?
667
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:49,340
What? They left it out
for Santa. We're Santa.
668
00:33:49,340 --> 00:33:51,670
Yeah, but you're not supposed
to eat all of it.
669
00:33:51,680 --> 00:33:53,620
You take a bite
and a sip of milk.
670
00:33:53,610 --> 00:33:55,340
That's how the kids know
Santa was here!
671
00:33:55,350 --> 00:33:57,650
Don't yell at me.
I'm not
yelling at you. I'm just...
672
00:33:57,650 --> 00:33:58,990
I'm telling you
how it's done.
673
00:33:58,980 --> 00:34:01,580
They-they need some kind of
indication that Santa was here.
674
00:34:01,590 --> 00:34:03,130
Oh, okay, how
about this? Look.
675
00:34:03,120 --> 00:34:05,450
Hey, now they know
he was here. See?
Stop it!
676
00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:07,130
Look, I'm here giving
out free presents!
677
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,320
All right, I'll eat the
damn cookies if I want!
678
00:34:09,330 --> 00:34:12,370
You know what? I might
even make a sandwich!
679
00:34:12,360 --> 00:34:13,690
Wait. Where are you going?
680
00:34:13,700 --> 00:34:15,170
I'm going into the kitchen.
681
00:34:15,170 --> 00:34:17,110
I'm gonna make a sandwich,
get some chips or something.
682
00:34:19,340 --> 00:34:21,310
Brian, knock it off!
683
00:34:21,300 --> 00:34:22,500
Aw, man.
684
00:34:22,510 --> 00:34:23,850
You jackass!
685
00:34:23,840 --> 00:34:25,770
Hey, who the hell
are you?
686
00:34:25,780 --> 00:34:28,150
Uh... hello?
687
00:34:28,150 --> 00:34:29,450
What are you doing in my house?
688
00:34:29,450 --> 00:34:32,990
We're Santa
Claus... ses.
689
00:34:32,980 --> 00:34:34,180
Yeah, you're Santa Claus.
690
00:34:34,180 --> 00:34:35,480
That's why you broke in
through the window.
691
00:34:35,490 --> 00:34:36,660
I'm calling the cops.
692
00:34:36,650 --> 00:34:38,350
No, no, no.
I-I can explain.
693
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:42,300
We-we came down the chimney,
but we-we forgot the presents.
694
00:34:42,290 --> 00:34:43,860
It's-it's actually...
695
00:34:43,860 --> 00:34:46,990
It's kind of a
funny story...
696
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:48,440
What the hell did you do?!
697
00:34:48,430 --> 00:34:50,130
He was gonna call
the cops, man!
698
00:34:50,130 --> 00:34:51,860
You can't call the cops
on Santa.
699
00:34:51,870 --> 00:34:53,400
Now help me move
this guy's body!
700
00:35:06,380 --> 00:35:08,050
Ugh! He's still alive.
701
00:35:08,050 --> 00:35:09,810
All right,
tie him up.
702
00:35:09,820 --> 00:35:11,850
I'm gonna make it
look like a burglary.
703
00:35:13,320 --> 00:35:14,790
All right, look,
let-let's just go.
704
00:35:14,790 --> 00:35:15,990
Right, right. We'll go.
705
00:35:15,990 --> 00:35:18,690
I'm gonna rewrap this bat
for, um, Johnny.
706
00:35:18,700 --> 00:35:21,400
Let me just clean his father's
blood and hair off it.
707
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:23,900
GIRL:
Daddy, I want a drink of water.
708
00:35:23,900 --> 00:35:25,930
(bleep)
709
00:35:27,470 --> 00:35:28,670
Hey, there.
710
00:35:28,670 --> 00:35:29,870
How you doing?
711
00:35:29,870 --> 00:35:31,070
Who are you?
712
00:35:31,070 --> 00:35:32,300
I'm Santa.
713
00:35:32,310 --> 00:35:33,810
You're Santa?!
714
00:35:33,810 --> 00:35:35,140
(gasps):
Who are you?
715
00:35:35,150 --> 00:35:37,150
Where's Dan?
716
00:35:39,280 --> 00:35:40,980
(gasps)
Oh, my God!
717
00:35:40,980 --> 00:35:42,180
(crying)
Oh, crap!
718
00:35:42,190 --> 00:35:44,590
(grunting)
719
00:35:44,590 --> 00:35:46,180
Quick, Stewie!
Get the bat!
720
00:35:46,190 --> 00:35:48,290
Help! Help!
721
00:35:48,290 --> 00:35:49,490
(groans)
722
00:35:49,490 --> 00:35:50,890
Mommy!
723
00:35:50,890 --> 00:35:52,120
(sobbing)
It's okay.
It's okay.
724
00:35:52,130 --> 00:35:54,290
Brian, see if you can
find some duct tape.
725
00:35:54,300 --> 00:35:55,740
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
726
00:35:55,730 --> 00:35:57,630
GIRL: Mommy!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
727
00:35:57,630 --> 00:35:58,960
Mama!
728
00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:02,470
All right, let's get
this place cleaned up.
729
00:36:05,910 --> 00:36:08,070
All right,
that's the last of the blood.
730
00:36:08,080 --> 00:36:09,670
Go check on the other kid.
731
00:36:09,680 --> 00:36:10,840
What other kid?
732
00:36:10,850 --> 00:36:13,190
Johnny, the one
who's getting the bat.
733
00:36:13,180 --> 00:36:15,380
Stewie, there's only
one bedroom up here.
734
00:36:15,390 --> 00:36:16,590
What?
735
00:36:16,590 --> 00:36:17,990
Do you have a brother?
736
00:36:17,990 --> 00:36:19,920
Well, then who the
hell is John...?
737
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,250
Oh, my God, we're
in the wrong house.
738
00:36:22,260 --> 00:36:23,820
(sirens blaring)
739
00:36:23,830 --> 00:36:25,170
Damn it, we
tripped the alarm.
740
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:26,830
Brian, the cops are
coming. Let's go!
741
00:36:26,830 --> 00:36:28,190
What? We're just
leaving like this?
742
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:29,860
What about not wanting
to ruin Christmas?!
743
00:36:29,870 --> 00:36:31,040
It's already ruined!
744
00:36:31,030 --> 00:36:32,500
This was one house.
745
00:36:32,500 --> 00:36:35,230
We've been here for an hour
and a half! An hour and...
746
00:36:35,240 --> 00:36:37,040
First of all,
we're not even Santa anymore.
747
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:38,400
This has been a home invasion.
748
00:36:38,410 --> 00:36:40,010
But an hour and a half, Brian!
749
00:36:40,010 --> 00:36:41,570
It's gonna be light
in six hours,
750
00:36:41,580 --> 00:36:44,110
and we have to deliver
to the whole rest of the world!
751
00:36:44,110 --> 00:36:46,580
There's two apartment buildings
on this block alone!
752
00:36:46,580 --> 00:36:48,080
No wonder Santa
lost his mind.
753
00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:49,780
This is ridiculous!
We can't do this!
754
00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:51,590
Nobody can. It's inhuman!
755
00:36:51,590 --> 00:36:52,820
All right, come on,
let's get out of here!
756
00:36:55,230 --> 00:36:56,600
Aw, damn,
what about the reindeer?
757
00:36:56,590 --> 00:36:57,860
The hell with
the reindeer!
758
00:36:57,860 --> 00:36:59,190
Look, they're all eating
each other, anyway!
759
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:02,670
(growling)
760
00:37:02,670 --> 00:37:03,870
Besides, we
don't need 'em.
761
00:37:03,870 --> 00:37:05,210
I made a few
modifications.
762
00:37:05,200 --> 00:37:06,360
Hang on.
763
00:37:06,370 --> 00:37:08,400
(whirring)
764
00:37:09,870 --> 00:37:12,100
(sirens blaring)
765
00:37:21,220 --> 00:37:23,860
That was a disaster.
766
00:37:23,850 --> 00:37:25,180
I can't believe it.
767
00:37:25,190 --> 00:37:26,850
We were supposed
to save Christmas,
768
00:37:26,860 --> 00:37:28,230
and we completely blew it.
769
00:37:28,220 --> 00:37:30,290
We failed Santa.
770
00:37:30,290 --> 00:37:32,860
No. No, we didn't fail Santa.
771
00:37:32,860 --> 00:37:34,730
The world failed Santa.
772
00:37:34,730 --> 00:37:36,860
He gives and gives and gives,
773
00:37:36,870 --> 00:37:38,870
and everyone just takes him
for granted.
774
00:37:38,870 --> 00:37:41,700
Hell, I-I didn't even think
he existed until last night.
775
00:37:41,710 --> 00:37:43,750
Well, what are we
supposed to do now?
776
00:37:43,740 --> 00:37:45,300
Christmas is doomed.
777
00:37:45,310 --> 00:37:48,570
Maybe, but there is one thing
we can do.
778
00:37:48,580 --> 00:37:50,010
Move over.
779
00:37:51,250 --> 00:37:54,890
(whirring and whooshing)
780
00:38:09,770 --> 00:38:11,740
(silly giggling)
781
00:38:15,270 --> 00:38:16,700
(gasps)
782
00:38:17,770 --> 00:38:19,770
Lois!
783
00:38:19,780 --> 00:38:21,880
There's no presents
under the tree!
784
00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:23,110
What?
785
00:38:24,550 --> 00:38:26,220
Oh, my God.
786
00:38:26,220 --> 00:38:28,120
Joe, did you get
any Christmas presents?!
787
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:29,950
JOE: No!
QUAGMIRE:
Me, neither!
788
00:38:29,950 --> 00:38:32,380
MORT:
I got eight mediocre things.
789
00:38:32,390 --> 00:38:33,720
Good morning, Quahog.
790
00:38:33,720 --> 00:38:36,450
Our top story today--
Santa Claus skips Christmas.
791
00:38:36,460 --> 00:38:37,990
Hopeful citizens worldwide
woke up
792
00:38:37,990 --> 00:38:39,560
to disappointment this morning
793
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:41,560
when they discovered no gifts
from Santa
794
00:38:41,560 --> 00:38:42,990
under their Christmas trees.
795
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:44,930
Local officials are going
with the theory
796
00:38:44,930 --> 00:38:46,770
that everyone was bad this year.
797
00:38:46,770 --> 00:38:48,970
The investigation continues
into this mysterious...
798
00:38:48,970 --> 00:38:51,670
Wait! I know what happened
to Christmas!
799
00:38:51,670 --> 00:38:53,000
Brian?!
800
00:39:00,150 --> 00:39:02,480
(gasps)
Santa Claus!
801
00:39:02,490 --> 00:39:04,990
That's right!
It's Santa Claus.
802
00:39:04,990 --> 00:39:06,890
And you've got to
listen to me.
803
00:39:06,890 --> 00:39:08,990
The reason there was
no Christmas this year
804
00:39:08,990 --> 00:39:10,560
is that this man is sick.
805
00:39:10,560 --> 00:39:12,920
Very sick.
And he needs our help.
806
00:39:12,930 --> 00:39:16,590
He's been bludgeoned by years
of greed and avarice.
807
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,800
The workload
of filling our Christmas lists
808
00:39:18,800 --> 00:39:20,270
has overwhelmed him.
809
00:39:20,270 --> 00:39:23,670
And at the rate he's going,
he may not make it another year.
810
00:39:23,670 --> 00:39:25,670
But there's a way
for us to help him.
811
00:39:25,680 --> 00:39:29,020
If all of us everywhere
can just cut back our demands
812
00:39:29,010 --> 00:39:31,680
and ask for only one
Christmas present every year,
813
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:33,950
there may still be hope.
814
00:39:33,950 --> 00:39:37,020
I know it's in our nature
to resist sacrifice,
815
00:39:37,020 --> 00:39:39,480
even in hard times,
but if we don't,
816
00:39:39,490 --> 00:39:42,920
we may have to give up
Christmas all together.
817
00:39:44,960 --> 00:39:48,630
Well, folks, you heard it here
first on Channel Five News.
818
00:39:48,630 --> 00:39:50,430
Looks like we have a choice.
819
00:39:50,430 --> 00:39:53,200
One Christmas gift a year
for each one of us.
820
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:55,370
Can we live with that?
821
00:39:55,370 --> 00:39:57,540
I can.
822
00:39:57,540 --> 00:39:58,770
So can I.
823
00:39:58,780 --> 00:39:59,980
Me, too.
824
00:39:59,980 --> 00:40:01,120
I can, too.
825
00:40:01,110 --> 00:40:02,340
I can live with that.
826
00:40:02,350 --> 00:40:03,690
Count me in.
827
00:40:03,680 --> 00:40:05,110
One is enough.
828
00:40:05,110 --> 00:40:06,280
Aye.
829
00:40:06,280 --> 00:40:07,610
I can.
830
00:40:07,620 --> 00:40:09,790
One gift is okay.
831
00:40:09,790 --> 00:40:11,160
I can live with it.
832
00:40:11,150 --> 00:40:12,980
Okay, just one.
833
00:40:12,990 --> 00:40:14,590
But if it's a gym membership,
834
00:40:14,590 --> 00:40:17,490
somebody's getting punched
in the (bleep) face.
835
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:21,600
ś ś
836
00:40:24,100 --> 00:40:27,100
ś ś
837
00:40:40,820 --> 00:40:42,790
ELVES:
ś Ding dong, ding dong ś
838
00:40:42,790 --> 00:40:44,830
ś Ding dong,
ding dong ś
839
00:40:44,820 --> 00:40:48,090
ś Making toys for everyone ś
840
00:41:09,710 --> 00:41:12,710
ś ś
841
00:41:40,740 --> 00:41:43,740
ś ś
842
00:42:11,940 --> 00:42:15,610
CHORUS:
ś We can get out of any mess ś
843
00:42:15,610 --> 00:42:19,540
ś If we learn to live
with less ś
844
00:42:19,550 --> 00:42:25,550
ś And with Santa's love
there's nothing to fear ś
845
00:42:27,490 --> 00:42:31,160
ś All these happy wishes ś
846
00:42:31,160 --> 00:42:35,330
ś And lots of Christmas cheer ś
847
00:42:35,330 --> 00:42:39,360
ś Is all I really want ś
848
00:42:39,370 --> 00:42:44,500
ś This year! ś
849
00:43:00,460 --> 00:43:02,500
(burps)