1
00:00:02,793 --> 00:00:06,255
♪♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪♪

2
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:09,634
♪♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪♪

3
00:00:09,717 --> 00:00:13,012
♪♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪♪

4
00:00:13,095 --> 00:00:15,765
♪♪ On which we used to rely? ♪♪

5
00:00:15,848 --> 00:00:19,060
♪♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪♪

6
00:00:19,143 --> 00:00:22,855
♪♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪♪

7
00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:24,357
♪♪ All the things
that make us ♪♪

8
00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,192
♪♪ Laugh and cry ♪♪

9
00:00:26,275 --> 00:00:31,030
♪♪ He's...
a... fam... ily... guy! ♪♪

10
00:00:34,033 --> 00:00:35,952
So, uh... tell me
about yourself, Tina.

11
00:00:36,035 --> 00:00:38,412
Well, I really
love music.

12
00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,039
Oh, God. Me, too.

13
00:00:40,122 --> 00:00:41,707
You know, I just
saw Don Giovanni.

14
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:44,210
In my opinion, the best opera
of the 18th century.

15
00:00:44,293 --> 00:00:45,753
Definitely.

16
00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:48,130
And the use
of recitative throughout...

17
00:00:48,214 --> 00:00:49,882
Mozart was a genius.

18
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:54,470
Oh, yeah, reci-ta-teev is
really, you know, where it's at.

19
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:55,596
Sir, are we
ready to order?

20
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:56,889
Whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.

21
00:00:56,973 --> 00:00:59,267
You have no idea what I'm talking
about, do you?

22
00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:00,476
Sure, I do.

23
00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,019
Opera is bitchin'!

24
00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:05,314
Um... okay, I guess
I'll have the es-car-got

25
00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,358
and a glass of cha-bliss.

26
00:01:07,441 --> 00:01:08,776
( sighs ):
Same here.

27
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:10,319
Es-car-got and the cha-bliss.

28
00:01:11,779 --> 00:01:12,822
( playing scales )

29
00:01:12,905 --> 00:01:14,031
Don't dawdle, Jonas.

30
00:01:14,115 --> 00:01:15,283
Play your exercises.

31
00:01:15,366 --> 00:01:16,826
Brian,
you're home early.

32
00:01:16,909 --> 00:01:18,411
What happened
with your date?

33
00:01:18,494 --> 00:01:19,620
Same thing that always happens.

34
00:01:19,704 --> 00:01:20,705
She was an idiot.

35
00:01:20,788 --> 00:01:21,998
Oh, Brian.

36
00:01:22,081 --> 00:01:23,165
Don't slow
down, Jonas.

37
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:24,584
Keep the rhythm.

38
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:27,253
♪♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom ♪♪

39
00:01:27,336 --> 00:01:29,463
( singing with scale : ♪♪ Brian,
your standards are ridiculously high. ♪♪

40
00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:30,715
♪♪ You'll never
find a girl ♪♪

41
00:01:30,798 --> 00:01:31,799
♪♪ Unless you're willing ♪♪

42
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:33,176
♪♪ To make exceptions
and compromise ♪♪

43
00:01:33,259 --> 00:01:35,094
♪♪ So you can
find your love. ♪♪

44
00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:37,847
♪♪ Lois, I don't think I have
to compromise a thing. ♪♪

45
00:01:37,930 --> 00:01:40,224
♪♪ I'd rather be alone than with
someone who doesn't get me. ♪♪

46
00:01:40,308 --> 00:01:41,475
♪♪ Oh, and how long
has the coffee ♪♪

47
00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:42,810
♪♪ Been on the burner
in the kitchen? ♪♪

48
00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:45,479
♪♪ I could really
use a cup about now. ♪♪

49
00:01:45,563 --> 00:01:47,023
♪♪ Oh, it's
not very fresh. ♪♪

50
00:01:47,106 --> 00:01:48,191
♪♪ You see, I meant
to make more ♪♪

51
00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:49,609
♪♪ But I made
the mistake ♪♪

52
00:01:49,692 --> 00:01:51,110
♪♪ Of getting caught
up watching Oprah. ♪♪

53
00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:52,528
♪♪ She had
on James Garner. ♪♪

54
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:53,613
♪♪ James Garner?
What's he plugging? ♪♪

55
00:01:53,696 --> 00:01:55,781
♪♪ I don't know, some
crappy movie on TNT. ♪♪

56
00:01:55,865 --> 00:01:57,241
Very good, Jonas.

57
00:01:57,325 --> 00:01:58,534
I'll see you
next week.

58
00:01:58,618 --> 00:01:59,785
So what is it,
Brian?

59
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:01,704
You don't think
these women understand you?

60
00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:03,956
You know, Lois,
I'm really not comfortable

61
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:05,583
talking about this
a-melodically.

62
00:02:05,666 --> 00:02:07,418
Peter, I was wondering
if you could...

63
00:02:07,502 --> 00:02:09,253
Shh! Hang on
a second, Lois.

64
00:02:09,337 --> 00:02:11,380
And now back to The Life
and Times of Grizzly Adams.

65
00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:16,427
Um... Grizzly...
who's Steve?

66
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:17,845
What?

67
00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,388
There's a message
on the machine

68
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:20,848
from somebody
named Steve.

69
00:02:20,932 --> 00:02:22,141
Oh, yeah. Steve.

70
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:24,644
Um... he's, uh...
new to the mountain.

71
00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:26,646
I met him down
at the general store.

72
00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:27,813
He makes canoes.

73
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:29,857
Oh.

74
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:31,859
How come
I've never met him?

75
00:02:31,943 --> 00:02:34,153
Mmm... He hasn't
really been here that long.

76
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:35,863
Long enough
to get your number!

77
00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:38,241
Ben... Ben!

78
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,992
Damn it.

79
00:02:40,076 --> 00:02:41,577
Look at that
Grizzly Adams, huh?

80
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:43,871
Look at how confident
he is-- how majestic.

81
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,498
Lois, I'm going
to grow a beard.

82
00:02:45,581 --> 00:02:47,333
Oh, Peter,
you know I hate beards.

83
00:02:47,416 --> 00:02:48,793
No, no, Lois.

84
00:02:48,876 --> 00:02:51,671
It's time I joined the ranks
of great men with beards.

85
00:02:51,754 --> 00:02:54,298
Why do you think Jesus Christ
was so popular? Huh?

86
00:02:54,382 --> 00:02:56,676
'Cause... 'cause
of all them magic tricks?

87
00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:58,219
Listen, Brian's very depressed.

88
00:02:58,302 --> 00:03:00,012
Could you and the guys
take him with you

89
00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:01,347
to the laser rock show tonight?

90
00:03:01,430 --> 00:03:03,391
Sure. If there's one thing
I'm good at doing

91
00:03:03,474 --> 00:03:04,600
it's cheering people up.

92
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,270
Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey

93
00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:09,689
Jon-Benet's untimely
death is a tragedy

94
00:03:09,772 --> 00:03:12,275
and I will not rest
until I find her killer.

95
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:13,693
Or killers.

96
00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:15,319
Oh, really, don't...
don't bother.

97
00:03:15,403 --> 00:03:17,280
Nothing's going to
bring our baby back.

98
00:03:17,363 --> 00:03:18,906
No, no, no. I insist.

99
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,908
I will make it
my life's work to find out...

100
00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,326
We're fine!
Just drop it!

101
00:03:24,579 --> 00:03:27,874
MAN: The next laser rock show
will begin in 20 minutes.

102
00:03:27,957 --> 00:03:29,000
You hear that, Brian?

103
00:03:29,083 --> 00:03:30,084
A laser rock show!

104
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:31,752
Come on.
Cheer up, would you?

105
00:03:31,836 --> 00:03:33,337
Aw, I don't
much feel like it.

106
00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,216
Binary code is the language
of computers

107
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,801
in which words are translated

108
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,636
into sequences
of zeros and ones.

109
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:43,097
Anything at all can
be expressed in binary

110
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,601
as we demonstrate in this famous
scene from The Miracle Worker.

111
00:03:46,684 --> 00:03:50,104
Zero-one-one-zero.
One-zero-zero-one.

112
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,397
( speaking gibberish )

113
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,400
Zero-one-one-zero.
One-zero-zero-one.

114
00:03:54,483 --> 00:03:57,403
Zero-one-one-zero.
One-zero-zero-one.

115
00:03:57,486 --> 00:04:00,364
Zero-one!
Zero-one!

116
00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:07,496
What? You don't think
this is amazing?

117
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:09,999
When I saw this
at the 1904 World's Fair

118
00:04:10,082 --> 00:04:11,918
I nearly crapped my pants!

119
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:14,462
All right!
Virtual reality!

120
00:04:14,545 --> 00:04:16,506
Whoa! You guys got to try this!

121
00:04:17,465 --> 00:04:18,799
Hey, look at me!

122
00:04:18,883 --> 00:04:20,134
I'm a pole in a strip club!

123
00:04:20,218 --> 00:04:22,762
Oh! It's show time!

124
00:04:22,845 --> 00:04:24,055
Uh... Oh, no! Oh, no!

125
00:04:24,138 --> 00:04:25,306
Oh! Oh! Hey, stop!

126
00:04:25,389 --> 00:04:26,974
False alarm!

127
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:29,352
Oh, my God! I'm... I'm flying!

128
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:31,479
I'm flying!

129
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,523
Yes, I'll have a Diet Sprite.

130
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:39,195
♪♪ One is
the loneliest number ♪♪

131
00:04:39,278 --> 00:04:42,782
♪♪ That you'll ever do ♪♪

132
00:04:42,865 --> 00:04:47,453
♪♪ Two can be as bad as one ♪♪

133
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:51,582
♪♪ It's the loneliest number
since the number one. ♪♪

134
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:54,335
You are a filthy whore.

135
00:04:54,418 --> 00:04:56,003
( sighs )

136
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,967
Okay, Johnny Depp
or Richard Grieco?

137
00:05:01,050 --> 00:05:02,593
Oh, that's gross!

138
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:04,095
Yeah.
Let's not do this.

139
00:05:04,178 --> 00:05:06,806
Come on. If you're secure
in your masculinity

140
00:05:06,889 --> 00:05:08,724
you can answer
a simple hypothetical.

141
00:05:08,808 --> 00:05:10,142
All right, Johnny Depp

142
00:05:10,226 --> 00:05:12,228
'cause he kind of looks
like a chick, I guess.

143
00:05:12,311 --> 00:05:13,813
What about you, Peter?

144
00:05:13,896 --> 00:05:15,690
Oh, man. Uh...
uh... well, I don't know.

145
00:05:15,773 --> 00:05:17,942
Richard Grieco would
probably appreciate you more.

146
00:05:18,025 --> 00:05:19,777
You know, not
take you for granted.

147
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:21,571
I mean, with
Johnny Depp, it's like...

148
00:05:21,654 --> 00:05:23,948
it's like he wouldn't
really need you, you know?

149
00:05:24,031 --> 00:05:25,700
He'd probably sneak out
after you fell asleep.

150
00:05:25,783 --> 00:05:27,034
Of course, with Johnny

151
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:28,703
you'd get
the financial security.

152
00:05:28,786 --> 00:05:29,787
I... I'd go with Johnny.

153
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,414
( siren wailing )

154
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:32,623
Oh, great.

155
00:05:34,709 --> 00:05:36,002
Brian.

156
00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:38,004
Uh... hey, Joe.
How's it going?

157
00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:39,589
Pretty good.

158
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:41,215
You were doing a little
swerving back there.

159
00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:42,592
Yeah. Yeah,
well, you know

160
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:44,135
me and the boys
were just, uh...

161
00:05:44,218 --> 00:05:45,803
Whoa! You're off
the meter, Brian!

162
00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:47,221
You're under arrest.

163
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:48,389
Oh, come on.

164
00:05:48,472 --> 00:05:50,183
Move it!

165
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:51,934
Are one of you guys
all right to drive?

166
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:54,020
Um... yeah. I can do it.

167
00:05:54,103 --> 00:05:55,771
( cans clattering )

168
00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,648
Great. I'll met you
at the Drunken Clam.

169
00:05:57,732 --> 00:05:58,858
We'll tie one on.

170
00:05:58,941 --> 00:06:00,026
I'm very disappointed in you.

171
00:06:07,366 --> 00:06:08,576
God! A DUI.

172
00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:09,827
I can't believe this.

173
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:11,204
I could actually
go to jail.

174
00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:12,288
It's okay, Brian.

175
00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:13,664
You'll get
through this DUI

176
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,416
and you'll be a
better person for it.

177
00:06:15,499 --> 00:06:16,834
Now, hold on
a minute!

178
00:06:16,918 --> 00:06:18,544
Don't disguise his alcohol dependence

179
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:20,004
as a ticket to
self-realization.

180
00:06:20,087 --> 00:06:21,380
Look, you're
not one to talk.

181
00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,424
You remember that time
I gave you apple juice

182
00:06:23,508 --> 00:06:24,550
and told you
it was wine?

183
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:29,514
I think you
are a special person.

184
00:06:29,597 --> 00:06:30,598
Thanks.

185
00:06:30,681 --> 00:06:32,016
No, now, come on.

186
00:06:32,099 --> 00:06:34,268
I'm... I'm being...
I'm being serious.

187
00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:37,355
I'm going to be serious
here for... for a second.

188
00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:40,608
Are you... are you going...
are you going to listen to me?

189
00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:42,652
Are you going
to listen to me so...

190
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:44,862
so I can tell you
that I respect you?

191
00:06:44,946 --> 00:06:49,158
( drunken laughter )

192
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,827
Now, Brian, I know
this is a bad time for you.

193
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,746
And if I have any
advice to give you

194
00:06:53,829 --> 00:06:55,414
it is this: grow a beard.

195
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:56,958
Peter, I wish
you'd shave that thing.

196
00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:58,084
Beards are so ugly.

197
00:06:58,167 --> 00:06:59,293
Hey!

198
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:00,878
Oh, relax,
Wooly Willy.

199
00:07:00,962 --> 00:07:02,713
There's lots of fun things
you can do with that.

200
00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:03,923
There we go.

201
00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:05,049
Thanks.

202
00:07:05,132 --> 00:07:06,968
On the charge
of driving

203
00:07:07,051 --> 00:07:09,762
under the influence,
this court finds you guilty.

204
00:07:09,846 --> 00:07:10,972
( gasps )

205
00:07:11,055 --> 00:07:12,348
Yes! Good call!

206
00:07:12,431 --> 00:07:13,808
Churn the butter! Ooh-ooh!

207
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:14,892
( sighs )

208
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:16,561
In lieu of jail time

209
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,188
I sentence you to 100 hours
of community service.

210
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:20,815
Next item.

211
00:07:20,898 --> 00:07:22,400
Dearly beloved

212
00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:23,901
we are gathered here
to join these two

213
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:25,278
in holy matrimony.

214
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:27,530
If anyone objects
to this union

215
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:30,032
speak now
or forever hold your peace.

216
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:31,158
Quiet down.

217
00:07:31,242 --> 00:07:32,368
You had your chance.

218
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,164
So what do you have to do
for your community service?

219
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:39,625
I got assigned to the Outreach
to the Elderly Program.

220
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,294
I got to take care
of some old woman

221
00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:43,504
who hasn't been out of her house
in 30 years.

222
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,047
When I got
caught at school

223
00:07:45,131 --> 00:07:46,757
with my hand
down my pants

224
00:07:46,841 --> 00:07:49,093
I had to keep it there
for a whole week.

225
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:50,720
Ha! What a week!

226
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,221
I guess taking care
of this old woman

227
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,682
will be just like baby-sitting,
only with bigger diapers.

228
00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:57,476
Aha! So they
do make bigger diapers!

229
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,020
That deceitful
woman told me

230
00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:00,855
I'd have to learn
to use the toilet!

231
00:08:00,938 --> 00:08:02,440
Well, fie on the toilet!

232
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:03,983
It's made slaves of you all.

233
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,693
I've seen it sitting in there:

234
00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:07,778
lazy, slothful,
porcelain layabout

235
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,655
feeding on
other people's doo-doos

236
00:08:09,739 --> 00:08:12,116
while contributing nothing
of its own to society.

237
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:13,659
You get a job!

238
00:08:15,411 --> 00:08:17,288
( doorbell rings )

239
00:08:17,371 --> 00:08:18,664
Uh... Pearl Burton?

240
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:20,750
Uh... my name's Brian.

241
00:08:20,833 --> 00:08:22,835
I'm here from the Outreach
to the Elderly Program.

242
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,086
You're late.

243
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:28,090
( many locks clicking )

244
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,426
Ah! What
the hell is this?

245
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,636
Delousing powder.

246
00:08:31,719 --> 00:08:33,638
Everyone on the outside
is filthy.

247
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:34,805
You could have
given me some warning.

248
00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,015
Here's
your warning.

249
00:08:36,098 --> 00:08:38,100
It's going to burn
like hell in 30 seconds.

250
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,102
Now, I like my tea at 4:00
and my dinner at 6:00.

251
00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:41,646
And I take my bath at
7:00 sharp

252
00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:42,980
so I can listen to Paul Harvey.

253
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,357
You will warm up
my bathwater

254
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:45,733
with quick bursts
from the faucet

255
00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:47,151
during commercials
only.

256
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,903
It'll take you a while
to get the rhythm.

257
00:08:48,986 --> 00:08:50,738
Paul Harvey moves seamlessly
into commercials.

258
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,114
By the way,
it's been 30 seconds.

259
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,409
( screaming )

260
00:08:59,914 --> 00:09:01,791
Peter,
stop scratching that thing.

261
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:03,459
I can't.
It's itching like crazy.

262
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,919
Dad, can
I scratch your beard?

263
00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:06,546
Have you finished
your homework?

264
00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:07,755
Yes.

265
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:09,173
Okay, then.

266
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:10,883
( laughing )

267
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:12,760
Brian, you've
been awfully quiet.

268
00:09:12,844 --> 00:09:14,554
Is the community service
not going that well?

269
00:09:14,637 --> 00:09:15,721
Oh, Lois, it's horrible.

270
00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,765
I was cleaning her house
all day.

271
00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:19,559
It's the worst job
I've ever had.

272
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:20,643
Well, except for one.

273
00:09:22,144 --> 00:09:23,479
Uh... excuse me.

274
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:25,898
Would you like to taste
my smoked meat log?

275
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:28,734
Here you go.

276
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,361
Enjoy your food.

277
00:09:30,444 --> 00:09:32,154
Enjoy your
studio apartment.

278
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:35,324
Peter, you got a little
something right here.

279
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:36,409
Where? Here?

280
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:37,577
No, no, no.
Other side.

281
00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:38,995
Over here?
Left side, Peter.

282
00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,413
Your other
left side, Peter.

283
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:41,664
Up a little.
Do I have it?

284
00:09:41,747 --> 00:09:43,082
Is it gone?
Up a little.

285
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,500
Now go down.
Is it gone?

286
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,669
( screaming ):
Oh, my God!

287
00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:49,005
Is it gone?

288
00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:50,965
Get it off! Get it off!
Get it off! Get it off!

289
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:52,049
Hold still!
Hold still!

290
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:53,342
Wait! Don't touch that bird!

291
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:54,927
What's it to you, pal?

292
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:57,555
I'm Dr. Goodman of the Quahog
Ornithological Society

293
00:09:57,638 --> 00:09:59,265
ironically dining
in a restaurant

294
00:09:59,348 --> 00:10:01,017
that exclusively serves poultry.

295
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,351
Doctor,
what is this?

296
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,145
Oh, it's a very
rare species:

297
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:06,564
the endangered
White-Rumped Swallow.

298
00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:08,232
( giggling ):
Rump.

299
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,609
This isn't funny,
Chris!

300
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:12,069
( giggling ):
Swallow.

301
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,197
Look, just get rid
of this bird, all right?!

302
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:15,948
Unfortunately,
I can't do that.

303
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:18,075
Once the swallow has chosen
its nesting place

304
00:10:18,159 --> 00:10:19,619
it's illegal
to disturb it.

305
00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,787
But he can't walk around
with a bird in his beard.

306
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,122
I'm sorry. You have to wait

307
00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:24,790
until the bird departs
of its own accord

308
00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:25,875
or you'll be prosecuted

309
00:10:25,958 --> 00:10:27,335
to the full extent
of the law.

310
00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:29,420
Wow! You sure know
a lot of stuff.

311
00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:30,796
It's great to learn.

312
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,089
ALL:
'Cause knowledge is power!

313
00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:37,803
What is this? Spit soup?

314
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:38,888
Tomato bisque.

315
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:41,474
What is this? Snot soup?

316
00:10:41,557 --> 00:10:42,558
Tomato bisque.

317
00:10:43,851 --> 00:10:45,645
What is this? Diarrhea soup?

318
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:46,812
I'm not making
you anything else

319
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:48,064
so just eat it.
All right?

320
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:49,857
Fine. Then I'll have
to call the judge

321
00:10:49,941 --> 00:10:51,567
and that means
you'll go to jail!

322
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,194
You're one phone call away

323
00:10:53,277 --> 00:10:56,364
from getting a human booster
shot from a guy named Molly.

324
00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:57,448
( sighs )

325
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:05,122
( crunching )

326
00:11:09,502 --> 00:11:11,170
-Damn it all!
-Shh!

327
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:12,380
-Shh!
-Shh!

328
00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,215
-Sorry. Sorry.
-( bird squawking )

329
00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:15,508
Shut up!

330
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:16,717
Keep it down!

331
00:11:16,801 --> 00:11:18,469
There's nothing I can do,
all right?

332
00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,554
Take it
outside, pal!

333
00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:21,222
Look,
it's an endangered species!

334
00:11:21,305 --> 00:11:22,640
What am I supposed to do?

335
00:11:22,723 --> 00:11:24,517
I'll make you an
endangered species!

336
00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:25,935
Oh, oh, good comeback, Potsie!

337
00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:27,645
I'll kick your ass,
that's what I'll do!

338
00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:28,729
( all clamoring )

339
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,273
Look, everybody just shut up!

340
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:31,566
He has stopped squawking.

341
00:11:31,649 --> 00:11:32,733
He's receded into my beard.

342
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,193
We can all watch the movie!

343
00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,528
Shut up!

344
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:36,946
Eric,
if you're in here

345
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:39,115
we're all going to Marty's
after the movie.

346
00:11:41,450 --> 00:11:43,286
Oh, I love
you so much.

347
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,371
I love you, too, honey.

348
00:11:45,454 --> 00:11:46,747
( squawking )

349
00:11:46,831 --> 00:11:47,999
What's wrong?

350
00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,792
( squawking and screaming )

351
00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,669
That's it!
You're history, pal!

352
00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:52,795
No bird
Frenches my wife

353
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,921
and gets away with it!

354
00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:59,051
PEARL:
Help! Help! I've broken my hip!

355
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:00,219
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

356
00:12:00,303 --> 00:12:01,637
Brian!

357
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,973
5.3 seconds.

358
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:05,808
I could have been dead by now!

359
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:06,976
What, you mean you're not...

360
00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:08,978
I heard you drop
that lightbulb, too.

361
00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:10,354
That'll be 67 cents.

362
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:12,815
Now, go warm me up
some of that diarrhea soup!

363
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,067
That's it! I have had it
with you, you old hag!

364
00:12:15,151 --> 00:12:17,653
Y-You're just a-a miserable,
dried-up shut-in

365
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:20,406
trying to make everyone else
feel as bad as you do.

366
00:12:20,489 --> 00:12:23,117
Why don't you do the world
a big favor and drop dead!

367
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,290
Uh, this last one won't open.

368
00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:30,458
You got to jiggle it
a little bit.

369
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:31,584
Like... like this?

370
00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:32,668
Nah, here,
let me get it.

371
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,003
Oh, thanks.

372
00:12:34,086 --> 00:12:36,923
And, uh, and,
you know, drop dead.

373
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,049
( loud rock playing )

374
00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:43,763
Get out of my beard,
you squawking bastard!

375
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,306
( sighing ):
Nothing.

376
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,683
Well, I was hoping
it wouldn't come to this.

377
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:49,602
Oh, my God!
Peter, no!

378
00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:50,895
( both grunting )

379
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:53,689
Lois, the bird must die!

380
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,858
( both grunting )

381
00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:01,155
It's gone! It's gone!
Oh, thank God!

382
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,366
-( chirping )
-Peter, what's that sound?

383
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:07,078
Oh, my God, they're babies.

384
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,496
Hey, look, Lois--

385
00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:11,082
there are three of them--
just like ours.

386
00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:16,921
And, uh...

387
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,300
Sweet!

388
00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,930
We now return to E!'s
Mysteries and Scandals:

389
00:13:26,013 --> 00:13:27,849
"Pearl Burton,
the Jingle Queen."

390
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:28,933
Pearl?

391
00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:30,142
I'm A.J. Benza.

392
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,769
You won't find
Pearl Burton's name

393
00:13:31,853 --> 00:13:33,229
on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

394
00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:35,064
yet from 1945 to 1960

395
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:37,400
you couldn't turn on
a radio or television

396
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,944
without hearing
one of her trademark jingles.

397
00:13:40,027 --> 00:13:43,656
♪♪ You're only healthy
when you're tan ♪♪

398
00:13:43,739 --> 00:13:46,784
♪♪ So soak up
all the sun you can ♪♪

399
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:50,872
♪♪ With copper Coppertone! ♪

400
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:54,166
BENZA:At her peak, Pearl Burton
earned 26 grand a year

401
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:55,751
which by today's standards

402
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,795
would be just under
$49 billion.

403
00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,797
Brian, she's beautiful.

404
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,925
Yeah, and-and that voice--
I... I had no idea.

405
00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:06,220
BENZA: In 1961, Pearl used
an appearance at Carnegie Hall

406
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:09,015
to make the leap
from jingle singer to artist.

407
00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:12,810
( singing aria from Carmen
a cappella )

408
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,937
That's "Habanera"
from Carmen.

409
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,440
I've never heard it sung
so beautifully.

410
00:14:18,149 --> 00:14:19,150
Sing Coppertone!

411
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,234
Yeah, Coppertone!

412
00:14:20,318 --> 00:14:21,402
Do Doan's Pills!

413
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,821
Sing Gold Bond Medicated Powder!

414
00:14:23,905 --> 00:14:25,698
( audience booing
and shouting requests )

415
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,575
No one has seen Pearl Burton

416
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:30,036
since that fateful night
over 30 years ago.

417
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,662
She's presumed dead.

418
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:34,707
My God. And I said
all those awful things to her.

419
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,755
( gasping :
Pearl!

420
00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:48,179
Come on, Pearl,
don't do this!

421
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,722
You should be happy.

422
00:14:49,805 --> 00:14:52,016
I'm taking your advice
and doing the world a big favor.

423
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,101
Now, move! Your fur
is making my feet sweat.

424
00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:56,395
Pearl, listen to me.
I heard you sing.

425
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:59,732
It was the most beautiful sound
I've ever heard in my life.

426
00:14:59,815 --> 00:15:03,194
Oh, sure, warbling for
Vicks VapoRub and Dippity Do.

427
00:15:03,277 --> 00:15:04,403
No, no, Pearl, I mean...

428
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:06,405
Oh, stop trying
to talk me out of it.

429
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,032
I'm a pathetic sellout.

430
00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:09,992
No one who sings Carmen
like you is pathetic.

431
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:11,244
What?

432
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,120
I-I heard you
sing "Habanera."

433
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:14,705
You were sublime.

434
00:15:14,789 --> 00:15:17,208
You... you liked my aria?

435
00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,626
I was overwhelmed.

436
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,002
You're the first person

437
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,129
who ever complimented
my "Habanera."

438
00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:23,589
Thank you.

439
00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:26,551
Well, I'd, uh,
I'd better get going.

440
00:15:26,634 --> 00:15:28,594
I'll, uh... I'll
see you tomorrow.

441
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:30,137
But you're not
scheduled tomorrow.

442
00:15:30,221 --> 00:15:31,848
I know.

443
00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:38,521
( soft grunting )

444
00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:59,041
"And then the cow
came out of the barn."

445
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,294
See? See? Look--
there's the cow.

446
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,087
Now, what does a cow say?

447
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:04,881
( chirping )
Yes, yes that's right--

448
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,300
a cow says peep,
peep, peep, peep.

449
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:10,386
You know, Peter, they're getting
awfully big. So?

450
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:11,888
So every good mother knows

451
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,848
when it's time for her babies
to leave the nest.

452
00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:15,725
Hey, they're free to go
anytime they want.

453
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:16,851
Aah!

454
00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:20,688
Fine, I'll let them go.

455
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:22,690
( operatic singing )

456
00:16:30,072 --> 00:16:32,366
Pearl, do you rent or own?

457
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:33,576
Own what?

458
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,953
Those wings, you angel.

459
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:37,496
That was fantastic.

460
00:16:37,580 --> 00:16:39,165
That was so incredible!

461
00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:41,042
So, what do you want
for dinner?

462
00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:44,045
I was thinking about making us
that lamb and rice you love.

463
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:46,214
You know, Pearl,
what I'd really like for dinner

464
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,548
is, uh, to go out.

465
00:16:47,632 --> 00:16:49,884
Brian, you know I can't do that.

466
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,178
I haven't left this house
in such a long time.

467
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:53,763
I'm afraid.

468
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,306
I know, but I'll be with you.

469
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:57,683
I don't know...

470
00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,560
Come on, Pearl, there's
so much you've missed

471
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:00,770
in the last 30 years.

472
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,981
In fact, allow me
to fill you in.

473
00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,274
♪♪ The 60s brought ♪♪

474
00:17:05,358 --> 00:17:07,026
♪♪ The hippie breed ♪♪

475
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:10,029
♪♪ And decades later,
things have changed indeed ♪♪

476
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,948
♪♪ We lost the values ♪♪

477
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,533
♪♪ But we kept the weed ♪♪

478
00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:16,911
♪♪ You've got a lot to see ♪♪

479
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,412
♪♪ The Reagan years ♪♪

480
00:17:18,496 --> 00:17:20,331
♪♪ Have laid the frame ♪♪

481
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:23,084
♪♪ For movie stars
to play the White House game ♪

482
00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:26,796
♪♪ We're not too far
from voting Feldman/Haim ♪

483
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,757
♪♪ You've got a lot to see ♪♪

484
00:17:29,841 --> 00:17:31,592
♪♪ The town of Vegas ♪♪

485
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,010
♪♪ Has got a different face ♪♪

486
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,679
♪♪ 'Cause it's a family place ♪♪

487
00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,389
♪♪ With lots to do ♪♪

488
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:37,890
♪♪ Where in the '50s ♪♪

489
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,642
♪♪ A man could mingle
with scores ♪♪

490
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,185
♪♪ Of all the seediest whores ♪♪

491
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,521
♪♪ Well, now his
children can, too! ♪♪

492
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,022
♪♪ You heard it from ♪♪

493
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:46,482
♪♪ The canine's mouth ♪♪

494
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:47,984
♪♪ The country's changed ♪♪

495
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,694
♪♪ That is, except the South ♪♪

496
00:17:49,777 --> 00:17:52,697
♪♪ And you'll agree ♪♪

497
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:56,284
♪♪ No one really knows,
my dear lady friend ♪♪

498
00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:59,704
♪♪ Just quite how
it all will end ♪♪

499
00:17:59,787 --> 00:18:05,960
♪♪ So hurry 'cause
you've got a lot to see ♪♪

500
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,507
♪♪ The baldness gene ♪♪

501
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,301
♪♪ Was cause for dread ♪♪

502
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:16,679
♪♪ But that's a fear
that you can put to bed ♪♪

503
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:19,807
♪♪ They'll shave your ass
and glue it on your head ♪♪

504
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:23,186
♪♪ You've got a lot to see ♪♪

505
00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,937
♪♪ The PC age ♪♪

506
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,439
♪♪ Has moved the bar ♪♪

507
00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:29,859
♪♪ A word like "redneck"
is a step too far ♪♪

508
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:33,070
♪♪ The proper term is
"country music star" ♪♪

509
00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:35,990
♪♪ You've got a lot to see ♪♪

510
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:37,658
♪♪ Our flashy cell phones ♪♪

511
00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:39,202
♪♪ Make people mumble,
"Gee whiz ♪♪

512
00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,870
♪♪ "Look how important he is ♪♪

513
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,705
♪♪ His life must rule" ♪♪

514
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:44,248
♪♪ You'll get a tumor ♪♪

515
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:46,125
♪♪ But on your surgery day ♪♪

516
00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:47,627
♪♪ The doc will see it
and say ♪♪

517
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,588
♪♪ "Wow, you must
really be cool" ♪♪

518
00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,634
There's lots of things
you may have missed.

519
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:56,260
Like Peewee
and his famous wrist.

520
00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:59,680
Or Sandy Duncan's
creepy phony eye.

521
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:01,224
That awesome
Thundercats cartoon.

522
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,059
Neil Armstrong landing
on the moon.

523
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,102
Neil Armstrong?
Wait, was he the trumpet guy?

524
00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,192
♪♪ So let's go see ♪♪

525
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:13,027
♪♪ The USA ♪♪

526
00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:15,863
♪♪ They'll treat you right
unless you're black or gay ♪♪

527
00:19:15,947 --> 00:19:19,116
♪♪ Or Cherokee ♪♪

528
00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:22,495
♪♪ But you can forgive
the world and its flaws ♪♪

529
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:26,082
♪♪ And follow me there
because ♪♪

530
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:28,626
♪♪ You've still got
a hell of a lot ♪♪

531
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:31,504
♪♪ To see ♪♪

532
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:39,679
♪♪ You've got a lot to see! ♪♪

533
00:19:42,557 --> 00:19:45,268
Brian, I've missed so much!

534
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:48,563
I wouldn't be standing
here right now if it wasn't for you!

535
00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:49,939
( gasps )

536
00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:53,025
She's right in here, sir.

537
00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:55,236
Just tell the disorderly
when you're ready to leave.

538
00:19:55,319 --> 00:19:56,737
Uh, don't you mean
the orderly?

539
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:58,239
No, I mean the disorderly.

540
00:19:58,322 --> 00:20:00,533
That's a little doctor joke
we like to make around here.

541
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:01,659
We also like Kevin Pollak.

542
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,579
Oh, my God, Pearl...

543
00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:07,498
Brian, I don't have
much time.

544
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,458
God, I never should've
made you leave the house.

545
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,918
This is all my fault.

546
00:20:11,002 --> 00:20:13,462
Shh-shh-shh.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

547
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,673
Aside from the truck part

548
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:18,134
this was the best day
of my life.

549
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,137
I only wish we could have
a little more time together.

550
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,347
We can.

551
00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:16,817
Good-bye, kids.

552
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:24,242
( steady tone )

553
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:30,081
Good-bye, Pearl.

554
00:21:32,375 --> 00:21:34,585
Hey! Who wants to
see a dead body?

555
00:21:36,921 --> 00:21:38,172
Rough week, eh?

556
00:21:38,256 --> 00:21:39,924
I've seen better.

557
00:21:40,007 --> 00:21:42,677
Hey, Brian, looks like
somebody's checking you out.

558
00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:46,055
No, I'm... I'm
not ready yet.

559
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:48,057
Hey, you're getting
some looks yourself.

560
00:21:52,353 --> 00:21:54,355
Eh, I-I'm not ready, either.