1 00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:05,005 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,217 ♪ ls violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:12,137 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:12,221 --> 00:00:15,140 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:18,310 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,813 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,897 --> 00:00:23,190 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,691 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:30,072 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:37,329 Hey, Chris, what do you got there? 11 00:00:37,412 --> 00:00:39,706 I made a birdhouse at school today. 12 00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:41,083 Oh, looks an awful lot like 13 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,834 the Governor's Mansion from Benson. 14 00:00:42,918 --> 00:00:44,419 It is. I'm fond of the series, 15 00:00:44,419 --> 00:00:46,838 and I wanted the local birds to be aware of that. 16 00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:48,173 Well, I'll be on the lookout for great tits. 17 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:49,550 Peter! 18 00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,176 Well, actually, Lois, that's a species of bird 19 00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:53,387 that's known to frequent domestic birdhouses. 20 00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:55,180 It's why I've always wanted a birdhouse. 21 00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:56,390 Hey, Lois, let's go outside 22 00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:57,933 and see if we can find some great tits. 23 00:00:57,933 --> 00:00:59,434 'Cause there certainly ain't any in here! 24 00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,895 Remember those two we saw last night? 25 00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:03,397 One was bigger than the other. 26 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,065 Yeah, and-and the bigger one had a hair 27 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,441 sticking out of that pointy thing. 28 00:01:06,441 --> 00:01:08,193 What do you call that pointy thing, again? 29 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:09,194 The beak? Okay. 30 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:10,571 Come on, Dad! 31 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,906 Maybe we can get the birds to act out the Benson 32 00:01:12,948 --> 00:01:15,075 where a scheduling snafu forces the governor to decide 33 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:18,912 between meeting the president or going to Katie's school play! 34 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,080 Yaw.! 35 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,331 Scatterbrained governor. 36 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:23,709 Welp, there she is. 37 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:24,918 A birdhouse. 38 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,295 I just hope whoever moves in 39 00:01:26,295 --> 00:01:28,297 doesn't mind the Persian birds next door. 40 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:30,215 (Persian accent): Eh, tweet, tweet. 41 00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:32,092 Check out my expensive fountain. 42 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:33,594 (bird chirping) 43 00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,220 Dad, look. 44 00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:37,931 (birds chirping) 45 00:01:37,973 --> 00:01:39,933 You built a great birdhouse, son. 46 00:01:39,975 --> 00:01:41,310 I'm real proud of you. 47 00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:42,227 Thanks, Dad. 48 00:01:42,311 --> 00:01:43,186 (screeching) 49 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,939 No! 50 00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,107 What just happened?! 51 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,317 What was that thing?! 52 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:50,319 I don't know. Some kind of super bird. 53 00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:52,279 Or maybe an average bird who bought a Bowflex. 54 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:55,282 Well, that super bird ruined everything! 55 00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,117 Indeed, a force to be reckoned with, 56 00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:59,286 like Secretary of Energy Steven Chu. 57 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,663 Secretary Chu, Ways and Means 58 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,624 has sent over a preliminary budget. 59 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:05,292 It looks like the Department of Energy 60 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,294 is looking at a four-percent budget cut. 61 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,296 (yelling) 62 00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:10,505 Okay, no budget cut. 63 00:02:10,505 --> 00:02:12,674 No budget cut. 64 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:17,804 Has anyone seen your father? 65 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:19,306 It's almost 6:00. 66 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:20,307 PETER: lam here. 67 00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:23,310 Family, I want you to meet my falcon, Xerxes. 68 00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:24,936 I'm a falconer now. 69 00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,313 And yet for Christmas, 70 00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:28,315 I got a wrapped scrambled egg. 71 00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,316 (gasping) 72 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,318 Peter, that falcon looks pretty dangerous. 73 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:32,653 Yeah, Peter, get rid of that thing right now 74 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:33,654 and eat your dinner. 75 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:34,655 No! 76 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:35,656 I am a falconer 77 00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:37,532 and I will eat whatever Xerxes brings me. 78 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:39,201 Feed master. 79 00:02:43,705 --> 00:02:45,082 Peter, what the hell? 80 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,213 For Xerxes, every meal is a pageant. 81 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,548 Hey, Peter. 82 00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:54,966 Oh, falcon. Cool. 83 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:55,967 Hi, falcon. 84 00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:57,344 Whoa, whoa, easy there, fella. 85 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,346 Xerxes. His name is Xerxes. 86 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:00,847 Uh, what does Xerxes eat? 87 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,183 Rodents. Now if you'll excuse me... 88 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:04,351 (screams) What the hell?! 89 00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,852 Peter, make him stop! 90 00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,355 (chuckles) Hey, what do you got going on down there, Quagmire? 91 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,357 You got a, you got a rodent situation? 92 00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:11,233 Uh, no! 93 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,859 Well, Xerxes seems to think there is. 94 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:13,860 Get him off, Peter! 95 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,362 Admit you got a rodent in there. 96 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:16,363 Peter! Admit it! 97 00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,698 (sagging) 98 00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,199 Aw, you scared him out the front. 99 00:03:19,241 --> 00:03:20,742 Tony, come back! 100 00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:29,251 Oh, what... what... 101 00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,253 What do I do? What do I do? 102 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,714 Well, just hope he's not standing on your soft spot. 103 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:35,006 Well, is that possible? 104 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,216 Because that could really mess up my... 105 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:39,720 (unintelligible slurring) 106 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:41,263 Mom, I need money for lunch. 107 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:42,389 Oh, God. 108 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,390 I'm sorry, Chris. 109 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:45,600 My purse has been missing for a day now. 110 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,102 L-I can't find it anywhere. 111 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,228 Not to worry, Lois. 112 00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:49,396 Xerxes will find it. 113 00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:51,273 Xerxes, find Lois's purse. 114 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:55,110 (bleating) 115 00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,237 This is your purse now. 116 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,406 Peter, I can't carry my money in this. 117 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:00,365 (screeching) 118 00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,367 (scoffs) Yeah, her money. 119 00:04:03,368 --> 00:04:05,829 You're gonna love the park, Xerxes. 120 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,750 (laughing, whooping) 121 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,335 I think you know what I want. 122 00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,464 This is awesome. 123 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,257 We should have our own TV show. 124 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,342 ♪ 125 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:52,793 So what do you think about a platonic shower? 126 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,044 (doorbell rings) 127 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:56,797 Are you Peter Griffin? 128 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:57,798 Yes, sir, I am. 129 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,174 I represent the man 130 00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,301 whose sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday. 131 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,803 You've piqued my interest, go on. 132 00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:06,431 Unfortunately for you, that man is very, very Jewish 133 00:05:06,431 --> 00:05:08,517 and is suing you for everything you've got. 134 00:05:08,517 --> 00:05:09,935 Including the falcon. 135 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,686 No! Not Xerxes! 136 00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:17,943 Wait till American Airlines' magazine hears about this! 137 00:05:18,026 --> 00:05:19,945 (dialing) 138 00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:21,446 Hello, American Airlines' magazine? 139 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,698 Have I got a scoop for you. 140 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,451 "Falcon stolen." 141 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:28,453 Ew, there's a toenail in this. 142 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,539 Guess I'll just go back to coughing. 143 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,415 (coughing) 144 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,174 Now what are we gonna do? 145 00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:42,551 We have no money. 146 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,970 That's okay, Lois, we got a wonderful family. 147 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,179 No, we don't. 148 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,848 There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head. 149 00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:48,974 Damn it, Peter, 150 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,475 I'm probably gonna have to get a job. 151 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,853 Oh, thank God. Thought I was gonna have to go back 152 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,688 to being on Live with Kelly and Peter. 153 00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:57,858 So exhausting having to do that open-mouth smile 154 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,568 while the guest does their bit. 155 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,571 We're here with The Good Wife's Christine Baranski. 156 00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:04,489 So, Christine, you've actually won an Emmy, 157 00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:05,574 is that right? 158 00:06:05,574 --> 00:06:08,368 Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill. 159 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,369 Ah. 160 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,204 But my character on The Good Wife 161 00:06:11,246 --> 00:06:13,498 is such a complete departure from Maryann. 162 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:15,250 Ah! 163 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,377 You've also had quite a stage career. 164 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,504 I believe you won a Tony Award? 165 00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,381 Well, actually, I've won two. 166 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,716 Ah! 167 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,259 And one more question, darling. 168 00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:25,510 Who are you? 169 00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,518 Excuse me, would you mind taking a look at my résumé? 170 00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:35,520 I haven't had an interview in a while, 171 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,773 and I want to make sure it's formatted correctly. 172 00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:42,903 Looks okay. Good. 173 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,530 It's not too braggy? 174 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,616 Hi, I'm sorry, 175 00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:49,242 I couldn't help but overhear you. 176 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:51,244 You have an amazing speaking voice. 177 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:52,621 My name's Randy. 178 00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:54,414 I can get you steady work with a voice like that. 179 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,415 Really? 180 00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,417 Wow, thank you. 181 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,543 This is great. 182 00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:01,421 Now I won't have to become a Mary Kay saleswoman. 183 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,256 So, what makes these shampoos 184 00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:04,925 different from the ones at the supermarket? 185 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:07,802 These shampoos have been in my car. 186 00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:13,433 Guess what everybody? 187 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,644 Oh, my God! Tampons and groceries? 188 00:07:15,644 --> 00:07:19,439 No-- well, yes-- but also I got discovered today. 189 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,566 I could be one of those famous voice-over artists 190 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,944 you hear on TV or in the movies. 191 00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:25,570 Ugh, her doing voice-over? 192 00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:28,949 Maybe she could be one of those annoying voices 193 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,576 that goes, "Ah, ah, ah, not that product." 194 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:33,662 NARRATOR: Which of these leading brands of conned soup 195 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,956 hos less than o hundred grams of sodium? 196 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:37,958 Ah, oh, uh. Keep going. 197 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:39,459 Not that one. 198 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,460 Ah, oh, oh. 199 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,795 Not that one either. 200 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,088 Ah, oh, oh. 201 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:44,464 Nope, not that one. 202 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:45,966 Look, this isn't even for me. 203 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,592 It's for my homosexual lover. 204 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,720 The Bible's pretty clear about that. 205 00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,600 Hi, I'm Lois Griffin. 206 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,602 I have an appointment to see Randy. 207 00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,605 Lois, I'm so glad you decided to try this. 208 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,482 I can't believe I'm a celebrity now. 209 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,608 I might hit someone with my car 210 00:08:03,608 --> 00:08:05,485 on the way home just for kicks. 211 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,987 Well, I have a feeling 212 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,698 you're gonna be a big star here. 213 00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,616 (phones ringing, women chattering) 214 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,118 What am I wearing? 215 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,495 (giggles) Nothing at all, sweetheart. 216 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,163 Wait a minute. 217 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,290 This is a phone sex operation. 218 00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,542 I can't do this. 219 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,502 It pays two grand a week, sweetie. 220 00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:23,670 Oh, my God. 221 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:24,796 With that type of money, 222 00:08:24,796 --> 00:08:27,549 I could buy pots and pans at Williams-Sonoma. 223 00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,676 This is a very nice set. 224 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:30,802 You must be a phone whore. 225 00:08:30,802 --> 00:08:32,929 You bet your sweet ass I am. 226 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,562 (phones ringing, women chattering) 227 00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:43,565 All right, Lois, you know the drill. 228 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:45,025 And whatever you do, 229 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,027 do not mention computers or the Internet. 230 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,404 They cannot know about it. 231 00:08:49,404 --> 00:08:50,530 (phone ringing) 232 00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:51,781 Oh, dear. 233 00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:54,701 Hello? 234 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,578 Uh, h-hi there... 235 00:08:56,578 --> 00:08:57,579 (clears throat) 236 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,830 ...sexy. 237 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,707 I can tell you're good at this. 238 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:03,334 Listen, I want to double-team you on the phone with my son. 239 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:04,711 Oh. 240 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,337 Yeah, the family's kind of falling apart. 241 00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:08,715 And I'm just, uh... 242 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:11,051 just a dad trying to keep it all together. 243 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:11,926 I see. 244 00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:13,720 Are you into guys in wheelchairs? 245 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:14,846 Not really. 246 00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,056 Oh, that's too bad, 247 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:19,184 'cause, uh, my son's in a wheelchair. 248 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:24,856 Hey, Lois. 249 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,357 So, how was your first day of voice-over? 250 00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:27,734 Eh, it was nothing. 251 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:28,943 Turns out, I'm just doing 252 00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:31,613 very obscure European commercials. 253 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,073 You know, I have got to get myself 254 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,365 back out there, too. 255 00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,743 I haven't performed since I was in Stewman Group. 256 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,828 (rhythmic drumming) 257 00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:43,875 MAN: I don't get it. What is this? 258 00:09:43,875 --> 00:09:45,502 We don't know either. 259 00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:49,756 (phone ringing) 260 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,883 Hi m name's... , V 261 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,259 Classy. 262 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,261 What can I do for you, hot stuff? 263 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:56,888 Ooh, hi, Classy. 264 00:09:56,888 --> 00:09:59,265 Listen, do you have a wallet or a purse? 265 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,892 Uh, I have a purse. 266 00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:01,601 Oh. 267 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:02,644 Oh, baby. 268 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,604 I want you to take the money out 269 00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,648 and count it really slowly. 270 00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:07,649 Okay. 271 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:08,650 One. 272 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,401 Ooh, that's nice. 273 00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:11,653 Two. 274 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:13,655 Oh. Oh, my. 275 00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,907 I'm sorry, the next bill I have in here is a ten. 276 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:16,908 Oh! 277 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:17,992 Oh, I love you! 278 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,285 All that and everything. 279 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,121 (phone ringing) 280 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,789 Hi, I'm Classy. 281 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,624 All right, let's get this going, sweet cheeks. 282 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:25,625 You got a handkerchief? 283 00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,293 Uh, yeah. 284 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:29,629 Good, ball that up and stick it in your mouth. 285 00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:30,672 (mouth full): Okay. 286 00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:32,132 Now, what else you got there? 287 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,299 You got a stapler? 288 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,135 Uh-huh, uh, yeah. 289 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,302 Okay, why don't you go ahead 290 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,179 and stick that in your mouth, too. 291 00:10:38,179 --> 00:10:39,806 (choking) 292 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,307 How about a mouse pad? 293 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:42,142 Uh-huh. 294 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,810 Yeah, go ahead and roll that up 295 00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,020 and stuff it in there. 296 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,814 Did you get a packet from HR 297 00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,315 when you started working there? 298 00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:50,441 (muffled grunting) 299 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:52,152 Okay, I'll take that as a yes. 300 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,321 And I'm pretty certain you know what I want you to do with it. 301 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:57,157 (grunting) 302 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:59,826 Okay, you think you can fit anything else in your mouth? 303 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,661 Mm-mm. All right, so now let's start 304 00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,204 filling up some other places. 305 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,841 Peter, I've had a long day at work, 306 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,844 and right now, sex is the last thing I want to think about. 307 00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,555 You never want to do it no more. 308 00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:23,975 What if I told you I'm holding in a very big dump? 309 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:26,853 Peter, can't you just use Sock Lois tonight? 310 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:30,607 No! Sock Lois doesn't feel authentic to me anymore. 311 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,989 Hey, Joe, how often do you have sex with Bonnie? 312 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,200 Well, my HMO only pays for the equipment 313 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,492 once a year. Why? 314 00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:43,703 Lois barely wants to do it no more. 315 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:45,371 I'm going crazy here. 316 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:46,497 Ugh. I hear you. 317 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,208 HeV, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: 318 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,876 don't get married. 319 00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:50,877 I wasn't gonna. 320 00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,212 Good. Don't. 321 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,254 I wasn't. 322 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:54,881 Perfect. Don't. 323 00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:57,508 Joe, you telling me not to has no effect on me whatsoever. 324 00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:58,885 I'm not gonna get married. 325 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,720 Great. Don't. 326 00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:02,889 I mean it, you guys, this no-sex thing doesn't work. 327 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:04,098 I need some kind of outlet. 328 00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,726 You know, Peter, I got just the thing for you. 329 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,519 There's this new phone sex chick I been calling, 330 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:09,896 and she is amazing. 331 00:12:09,896 --> 00:12:12,732 Gee, I don't know. Isn't that cheating on Lois? 332 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,025 No, look, it's over the phone. 333 00:12:14,025 --> 00:12:16,236 It's like they say: "Phonin' ain't bonin'." 334 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,404 Yeah. Well, I guess I could try it. 335 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,530 Trust me, Peter. 336 00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:21,241 Hey, I was right about telling you 337 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,159 to go see the gynecologist, wasn't I? 338 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:26,788 I'd like to see some vaginas, please. 339 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:29,165 That's what we're here for. Come on in. 340 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,262 (dialing) 341 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,138 Hello there, handsome. 342 00:12:44,138 --> 00:12:45,556 I'm Classy. 343 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,435 Um, hi, Classy, I'm, uh, Peter. 344 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:50,436 Peter... 345 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,437 Night Shyamalan. 346 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:53,564 They call me that 'cause I got a big twist 347 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:54,941 at the end of my thing. 348 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,442 (whispers): Oh, my God. 349 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:57,443 (clears throat) 350 00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:59,946 Um... well, hello, Peter. 351 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,948 What can I do for you? 352 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:04,575 Um, you want to see some pictures that I drew? 353 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:06,327 Um, sure. 354 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:07,954 This is me on a elephant. 355 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:09,956 Wow. That's beautiful. 356 00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,333 Did you draw that all by yourself? 357 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,334 Uh-huh. 358 00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:14,961 And this is me on the moon. 359 00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,462 I didn't really go there. 360 00:13:16,462 --> 00:13:17,839 It was just in my imagination, 361 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:18,965 so I drawed it. 362 00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:21,301 Wow, you're really talented. 363 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,970 You know, there's something about you, Classy. 364 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:25,096 Something special. 365 00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:27,307 Aw, that's very sweet. 366 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,599 I like your voice. 367 00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,977 It makes me want to hear more of your voice. 368 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,312 Hey, you want to see a funny comic? 369 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,855 Sure. 370 00:13:44,866 --> 00:13:48,870 He's scared 'cause his friends got killed in the pie. 371 00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:57,003 So, Peter, how was your day? 372 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:58,338 Eh, it was okay. 373 00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,006 Except for that Yokohama beef bowl 374 00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:01,007 I tried for lunch. 375 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:02,342 Not sitting so well. 376 00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,010 Just "okay"? 377 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,512 Didn't try anything new today? 378 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,389 Talk to anyone interesting? 379 00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:09,349 No, not really. 380 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,392 Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me. 381 00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,019 My stomach feels like that time 382 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:14,645 I had explosive diarrhea. 383 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:15,897 (farts loudly) 384 00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:19,901 PETER". Brown house. 385 00:14:22,904 --> 00:14:24,155 (phone ringing) 386 00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:25,156 Hello? 387 00:14:25,156 --> 00:14:26,657 Um, hi, Classy. 388 00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:28,034 It's Peter. 389 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,160 Oh, hi there. 390 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,037 (giggles) I love when you talk. 391 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,539 Listen, um, I've had such a good time 392 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:35,416 talking to you these past few times 393 00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:37,877 that I was thinking maybe we could meet. 394 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,045 But you're married! 395 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:40,546 You've got a wife! 396 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,673 Yeah, but she's been giving me the cold shoulder lately. 397 00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:43,925 Besides, anything that comes out, 398 00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:45,385 I can always take home to her. 399 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,428 I don't think this is a good idea. 400 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:51,057 I mean, cheating on your wife is a very serious thing. 401 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,184 You don't understand, I have to meet you. 402 00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:55,061 L-I know it seems sudden, 403 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,438 but I feel a special connection with you. 404 00:14:57,438 --> 00:14:59,065 Look, you name the place and the time, 405 00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:00,066 and I'll be there. 406 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:02,318 (whispers): You son of a bitch! 407 00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:04,570 Okay. 408 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:06,072 I'll meet you. 409 00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:06,906 Yay, I did it! 410 00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,574 Thanks, Fairy God Peter! 411 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,911 Peter, the power was within you all along. 412 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,580 Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire 413 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:16,916 and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam. 414 00:15:16,958 --> 00:15:19,460 That sounds like a gay bar. It is a gay bar. 415 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,593 That's right, fellas, I'm gonna meet her. 416 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:28,594 Meet who? 417 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,929 Yeah, what are you talking about? 418 00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:32,723 Oh, I-l thought we were starting in the middle to save time. 419 00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:33,933 The-the phone sex lady, 420 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:35,935 I'm gonna meet the phone sex lady in person. 421 00:15:35,977 --> 00:15:37,103 Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Peter. 422 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:38,312 I wouldn't do that. 423 00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:40,440 Hang on, Quagmire, that's a bad idea. 424 00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,108 You never want to meet 425 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,609 those phone sex women in person. 426 00:15:43,609 --> 00:15:45,111 Yeah, I know, that's what I said. 427 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,112 I wouldn't do it. 428 00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,321 Good. Don't. 429 00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,115 Joe, Joe, you realize what you're telling me 430 00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:51,117 not to do, I'm already not doing! 431 00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,952 Okay, I know you should never meet 432 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:54,120 a phone sex operator. 433 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:55,455 All right? I'm not an idiot. 434 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,956 I would never meet one of those people, ever. 435 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,749 Good. Don't. 436 00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:01,252 Guys, I have to see if she's as special in person 437 00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:02,628 as she is on the phone. 438 00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:04,130 Besides, if I listened to you guys, 439 00:16:04,130 --> 00:16:06,757 I never would've got that job as a seat filler for fetuses. 440 00:16:06,757 --> 00:16:09,218 Okay, let's take a look at your baby, shall we? 441 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:12,763 Hi. 442 00:16:12,763 --> 00:16:14,724 He'll be right back; he's in the bathroom. 443 00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,520 Thanks for having me, Bonnie. 444 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,272 I just needed someone to talk to. 445 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:22,273 Sure, Lois. 446 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,274 What's on your mind? 447 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:24,984 Well, it's kind of a long story. 448 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:25,985 You see... 449 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:28,654 Eight (bleep) hours later... 450 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:30,156 Oh, my God! 451 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,782 So, as far as Peter knows, 452 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,493 he's about to cheat on you? 453 00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,661 Lois, you got to draw the line here. 454 00:16:35,661 --> 00:16:36,996 I know. 455 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,373 There's a lot of crazy things I'll let Peter get away with. 456 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:40,666 I even held my tongue 457 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,502 when he went through that anime phase. 458 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:45,171 Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam 459 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,507 with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe. 460 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,592 Go, force! 461 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,357 Peter, what... 462 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,525 Why are you dressed like that? 463 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,026 What did you do to your hair? 464 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,153 Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City. 465 00:17:09,153 --> 00:17:10,863 Oh... okay. 466 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,031 I see. 467 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,407 And in case you're wondering why 468 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:15,284 I don't have business charts, yes, I do. 469 00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,288 All right, I got to say good-bye to the kids. 470 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:21,666 Hey, champ. 471 00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:23,042 I want you to have this pocket watch. 472 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,544 It still works, even though it's got 473 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,128 a lot of Civil War brains all over it. 474 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,383 Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart. 475 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,802 (farting) 476 00:17:34,178 --> 00:17:35,888 Chris, people are gonna tell you 477 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,182 that you're stupid and that you're no good. 478 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,184 Bve, Otis! 479 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,446 That son of a bitch. 480 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,160 (knocking) 481 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:00,913 Hello. 482 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,415 You're... 483 00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,083 you're beautiful. 484 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,710 So you got to meet me. 485 00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:07,712 Are we gonna do this or what? 486 00:18:07,712 --> 00:18:10,298 Listen, I... I got to be honest with you. 487 00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:11,716 I am not, in fact, 488 00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,426 the President of Hot Wheels. 489 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:15,595 And I also lied about the giant chef's hat. 490 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:16,971 I do not have one. 491 00:18:16,971 --> 00:18:18,222 Mm-hmm. 492 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:19,599 Well, the small lies don't matter. 493 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:20,725 Let's go. 494 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,937 (sighs) Why am I doing this? 495 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,231 You know, I got the greatest wife in the world. 496 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,108 And we have one beautiful child. 497 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,611 But did you ever feel like something was missing? 498 00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,321 You know, something you had once, 499 00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:34,739 but now it's gone? 500 00:18:34,739 --> 00:18:37,491 You mean like the loyalty of someone you trusted? 501 00:18:37,491 --> 00:18:40,453 Yes, I know exactly what that feels like. 502 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,246 Yeah, I mean, I was just goofing around 503 00:18:42,246 --> 00:18:44,749 when I first called you, but when I heard your voice, 504 00:18:44,749 --> 00:18:48,002 I-I felt like I found some part of me that was lost. 505 00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:50,254 Doesn't make any sense, but it... 506 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,132 it felt like some force in the universe wanted us together. 507 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:56,135 That's... kind of nice. 508 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,346 I guess I could understand that. 509 00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:00,264 Now that you're here in front of me, 510 00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:03,267 I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. 511 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,603 I' 512 00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,238 Eight (bleep) hours later... 513 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:23,162 Ah, I got to say, I was fantastic. 514 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:26,666 You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater?! 515 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,292 (gasps) Lois! 516 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,169 You-you-you-you is the phone lady, 517 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:31,170 you the phone, you the phone, 518 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:33,005 you is the phone lady, you is the phone lady, 519 00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,173 you is the phone lady... 520 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,300 You cheated on me! Lois! 521 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,010 Why the hell were you doing phone sex?! 522 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,303 I was providing for our family. 523 00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:40,680 You were lying. 524 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,015 I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City 525 00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:44,684 business trip was just a bunch of baloney! 526 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,060 That's not the point! 527 00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:47,311 Well, if you think about it, 528 00:19:47,311 --> 00:19:50,189 I-I wasn't really cheating 'cause it was with you. 529 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,565 Well, you didn't know that! 530 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,192 Yeah, but you know what? 531 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,820 In some way, I think I did. 532 00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:57,697 You know, when I heard your voice on that phone, 533 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,031 I-I felt something. 534 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,533 It was like an instinct, you know? 535 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,326 Both my heart and my wiener 536 00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:04,578 somehow knew you were my soul mate. 537 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:07,039 Well... 538 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,542 I suppose you did fall for me pretty hard. 539 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:10,710 Don't you see, Lois? 540 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,212 I fell in love with you all over again. 541 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:16,424 And, look, now we just had the best sex in years because of it. 542 00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:19,427 I know. It's like our privates were shaking hands 543 00:20:19,427 --> 00:20:22,430 after a successful business meeting in a swamp. 544 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,432 To me it... it just proves 545 00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:26,350 that we're truly meant to be together. 546 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,437 Oh, I love you, Peter. 547 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,313 I love you, too, Lois. 548 00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:37,445 By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute, 549 00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:40,322 'cause our phone bill was $7,000. 550 00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:45,578 Oh, Peter. 551 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:49,248 I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches. 552 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,458 Gross! 553 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:51,876 I want to wreck you so bad, 554 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:54,754 you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket. 555 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:58,758 Oh, my God! 556 00:20:58,758 --> 00:21:00,843 STEWIE: Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?