1
00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,630
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:08,133
♪ ls violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,845
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,848
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:18,185
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:21,647
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,065
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,065 --> 00:00:24,525
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:30,072
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,204
ANNOUNCER: We now return
to Jeopardy Presents:
11
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,414
"The Best of Contestant Banter."
12
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:42,334
So, Ben, it says here
you have a connection to milk.
13
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:44,044
Yes, funny story.
I discovered recently
14
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,921
that I have an allergy to milk.
15
00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:49,675
(chuckles) So I guess we won't
be eating any cheese around you.
16
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:53,011
And Dennis, you once spent
a night in a tent?
17
00:00:53,011 --> 00:00:55,264
So, uh, what do you guys got
planned for the weekend?
18
00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:57,683
I don't know. I might sit
out in the front yard
19
00:00:57,683 --> 00:00:59,184
with a rake and
wave at cars.
20
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:01,186
Yeah, and I found a hole
in my fence
21
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:02,813
I was gonna maybe
stick stuff through.
22
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:03,939
God, look at us.
23
00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:05,691
How'd we become so dull
and pathetic?
24
00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:06,567
You're right.
25
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,026
I mean, we used
to have hobbies.
26
00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:09,695
Remember when I was
a horse whisperer?
27
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:11,655
(whinnies)
28
00:01:13,198 --> 00:01:14,575
Shh, shh, shh.
29
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,451
(whinnies, nickers)
30
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:21,081
That's right.
I bet you're hungry.
31
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,457
(softly):
It's okay.
32
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:26,920
That calmed you down,
you (bleep) horse.
33
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,338
Maybe it's time
the three of us
34
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,923
do something exciting
to shake things up.
35
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:31,425
Hey, now that's
a good idea, Joe!
36
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,093
All right, okay,
I have two ideas.
37
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:34,219
One that I think is awesome,
38
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,721
and one that I think
is stupid.
39
00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:37,431
See if you can guess
which one is which.
40
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:42,102
We could either
A) Rob a Mafia poker game,
41
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,812
(flatly):
or B) Skydive.
42
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:46,106
Skydiving, huh?
I'd be totally up for that!
43
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,108
Yeah, I've always wanted
to try skydiving!
44
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,611
Really? Eh, could be fun,
I guess.
45
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:51,862
Besides, I haven't done
anything new
46
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,905
since I learned
to use a palm frond.
47
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:56,116
(whispers): So do I try
to match your speed?
48
00:01:56,158 --> 00:01:57,909
Yeah, just match my speed.
49
00:01:57,909 --> 00:01:59,494
And do we stagger
our waves
50
00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:01,163
or do 'em
at the same time?
51
00:02:01,163 --> 00:02:02,914
Um, they should've covered this
in orientation.
52
00:02:02,914 --> 00:02:05,292
Guards, have
the new guy executed!
53
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,793
Am I the new guy?
54
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,132
All right, we're almost at
ourjumping altitude.
55
00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:13,759
Does anyone have
any questions?
56
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:16,136
Yeah, I got one. Can I listen
to my iPod on the way down?
57
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,763
Of course. Just as long
58
00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,556
as it's not
Tom Petty's "Free Fallin"'.
59
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:21,141
I'll just keep
it in my pocket.
60
00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:22,184
Any other questions?
61
00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,518
Let's do this!
62
00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:27,189
That wasn't a question.
Back of the line.
63
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,565
Okay, let's do this!
64
00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,525
JOE:
Hey!
65
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:32,069
Whoa, is that
Harrison Ford?
66
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,445
Yeah. It said in
the brochure
67
00:02:33,528 --> 00:02:35,322
that he assists
with all the jumps.
68
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:39,201
Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!
69
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:41,328
Get off my plane!
70
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:43,830
Oh, look, he even brought
Calista Flockhart with him.
71
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:46,291
Uh, Peter, I think that's
just a piece of paper.
72
00:02:46,291 --> 00:02:47,959
Good, 'cause
she looked fat.
73
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,212
HARRISON FORD:
Get off my plane!
74
00:02:50,212 --> 00:02:52,464
Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!
75
00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:54,216
All right!
76
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:56,218
Yeah! This is amazing!
77
00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:57,844
I know,
it's unbelievable!
78
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,222
Hey, guys, let's try
to re-create this feeling
79
00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:02,224
for the rest of our lives,
with drugs.
80
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,187
Oh, it looks like
it's almost time
81
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:09,231
for us to pull our cords.
82
00:03:09,231 --> 00:03:10,732
Wait, wait, guys.
How about this?
83
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:13,235
Last one to open their chute
gets 20 bucks.
84
00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:14,945
Okay.
I'm in.
85
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,116
Damn it!
86
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:23,328
I'm dead already, Peter.
87
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,122
You're looking
at a dead man.
88
00:03:25,122 --> 00:03:28,125
I might not even pull
the cord at all.
89
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,128
(groans, whimpers)
90
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,715
Holy crap, this is awesome!
91
00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:37,759
I haven't felt a rush like this
since I won that marathon!
92
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,263
(runners screaming)
93
00:03:43,140 --> 00:03:44,349
I'm Bob Costas,
94
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,892
here with Boston Marathon
winner Peter Griffin.
95
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:47,227
Peter, how did you do it?
96
00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:48,270
I'll tell ya, Bob.
97
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,105
I just got in my car
and drove it.
98
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:52,858
And when there was a guy
in my way, I killed him.
99
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,238
Kids, have you seen
your father?
100
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,239
(phone rings)
101
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,449
Hello?
102
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:02,576
(air whooshing)
PETER: ls dinner almost ready?!
103
00:04:02,617 --> 00:04:04,077
Yes, Peter.
God, where are you?
104
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,245
I can barely hear you.
105
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,497
Pull back my chair
ever so slightly.
106
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,127
(sighs)
Daddy's home.
107
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:17,966
All right, it's 4:59.
In just a few seconds,
108
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:21,261
all the unreturned library books
will be officially late.
109
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:26,016
The wieners was already drawed
in the books when I got 'em.
110
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:32,481
"Libra: A strange man will
drop into your life." Hmm.
111
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:39,279
"Pisces: Be careful
at work today."
112
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:43,033
♪
113
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:50,248
Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go...
114
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:52,793
Aw! He so shoulda died!
This is bullcrap!
115
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,169
Stop smiling.
116
00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:56,797
90% of the people
playing this are pooping.
117
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,302
Hey, Lois, when are you
gonna do the laundry?
118
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,929
I got, like, six
parachutes in there.
119
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,139
Peter, those things are choking
up the washing machine.
120
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,432
Oh, so now I got you
a bad washing machine
121
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,142
for Christmas.
122
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,143
Little tip, Stewie:
123
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:12,145
Love dies, and
that's okay.
124
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,815
I write down all his advice
in a little notebook.
125
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,025
Yesterday's was, "I've
never seen a pigeon die
126
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,318
"from eating food
on the ground,
127
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,153
so what's the big whoop?"
128
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:22,322
Peter, this skydiving thing
has gotta stop.
129
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,782
You've destroyed half
the neighborhood.
130
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:26,159
And I'm afraid you're
gonna really hurt yourself.
131
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,285
I'm sorry, Lois.
132
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:28,829
But skydiving is
who I am now.
133
00:05:28,829 --> 00:05:30,664
It's like they say,
fish gotta swim,
134
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:33,333
birds gotta fly,
and gay guys gotta criticize
135
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:35,335
the host of the party
behind his back.
136
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,337
Oh, my God, look,
a bowl of M&M's.
137
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,839
What are we, six?
138
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,841
I know. And remind me
to get the recipe
139
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,300
for those chopped-up
hot dogs.
140
00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:43,718
(both laugh)
141
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:46,221
Oh, my God, Josh,
this party is so amazing!
142
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:49,349
Everything is perfect!
We're having so much fun!
143
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,310
Oh, thanks! I'm so glad
you guys could make it!
144
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:54,229
Come on. He saw us.
Let's go.
145
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,984
First time?
146
00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,360
(nervously):
Yeah.You?
147
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,113
(laughs) No.
No, not my first time.
148
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:05,991
Thanks for the lift, Gil.
149
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:07,742
I think I'll take
the express down.
150
00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,831
♪
151
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:25,385
(inhales deeply, sighs)
152
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,262
Ah, just as gorgeous as ever.
153
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:30,724
Actually puts me in the mind
to write a spoken word poem.
154
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:33,018
Am I falling or am I flying?
155
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,896
Am I living or am I dying?
156
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,356
O, Great Spirit, free me
157
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:41,109
from the bonds of gravity
and criticism.
158
00:06:41,109 --> 00:06:43,236
Deliver me
from my greatest enemy.
159
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:44,905
His name is Peter.
160
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:48,283
More specifically,
Peter's Shyness In Public.
161
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,035
O, Great Spirit,
162
00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,537
why do I hold myself back
in such situa...?
163
00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,748
Oh, (bleep) (bleep)
the ground!
164
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:58,043
(gasps) Damn it!
165
00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,419
The Eiffel Tower?
166
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:01,046
Oh, cool, I'm in Paris!
167
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:04,049
MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag
who got stabbed in the butt!
168
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,927
Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.
169
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,809
Well, Peter, I'm glad
you're all right,
170
00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:17,312
but I hope this is the end
of your skydiving career.
171
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,438
Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois.
172
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,440
You know, when I thought
I was gonna die,
173
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,901
I saw my whole life flash
before my eyes,
174
00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,570
and we did way too much
Star Wars crap.
175
00:07:25,570 --> 00:07:28,198
I should get the kids home.
It's way past dinner.
176
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,950
What she really means is
177
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:32,077
that it's shaky Mommy's
white wine time.
178
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,079
Let's go, kids! Come on!
We really gotta go, kids.
179
00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:35,288
Let's go! Come on!
180
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,958
Excuse me. Now that
your family is gone,
181
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,460
would you mind if
we turn on the TV?
182
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,671
Oh, hey. I didn't know
anyone was here.
183
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:44,172
I, uh, I was just kidding
184
00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,091
when I told my family
I loved 'em.
185
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:46,967
I am Mahmoud.
186
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,970
I'm Peter. You know,
I never seen a hat
187
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,972
like that before,
so I'm very scared of it.
188
00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,682
No, this is just
a taqiyah.
189
00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:55,433
It's a traditional
Muslim prayer cap.
190
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:58,228
Oh. Hey, you know who'd look
funny wearing one of those?
191
00:07:58,228 --> 00:07:59,479
The Monopoly guy.
192
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:02,107
(laughs) Correct!
193
00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:04,109
Go directly to jail
and convert to Islam!
194
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,319
(laughs)
'Cause they do that!
195
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,114
(chuckles weakly) Yes,
that is what I intended.
196
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,490
Hey, you're all right,
Mahmoud.
197
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,950
You, too, Peter.
198
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:13,618
So, what do you
wanna watch?
199
00:08:13,618 --> 00:08:15,954
Well, if you turn on
Channel 14,
200
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,164
we can probably catch the end
of Muslim Looney Tunes.
201
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:20,291
(upbeat Middle Eastern
music plays)
202
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:21,876
(stuttering)
203
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,503
As a pig, I am very dirty
204
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:26,172
and should not be touched
by humans.
205
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,177
So, how was
the hospital, Peter?
206
00:08:31,177 --> 00:08:33,013
Oh, my God,
that place was incredible.
207
00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,141
They have this one jar, whole
thing was full of cotton balls.
208
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:39,019
It's amazing how far
medical technology has come.
209
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:41,312
Well, sure is good
to have you back.
210
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,814
Joe is, uh...
(clears throat)
211
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:45,817
chattier than you'd think
he'd be when you're not here.
212
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:46,901
Look, I'm just saying
213
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,820
if "pro" is the opposite
of "con",
214
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,530
what is the opposite
of "progress"?
215
00:08:50,572 --> 00:08:51,573
Think about it.
216
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:53,033
You know, I actually had
217
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,325
a pretty good time in
the hospital.
218
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,202
I even made a new friend.
You did?
219
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:59,956
In fact, I told him to swing by
if he had time.
220
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,041
It's “congress."
221
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,208
Hello, Peter!
222
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,669
Oh, hey! You made it!
Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud.
223
00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,337
Mahmoud, this is Brian,
Quagmire and Joe.
224
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:07,338
Hello.
Hi, there.
225
00:09:07,338 --> 00:09:08,715
Hey, there. Hello. How are you?
226
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,091
Have a seat.
227
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:12,093
Any friend of Peter's is
a friend of ours.
228
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,220
Hey, Mahmoud, you know,
I'm actually glad you're here.
229
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:15,847
Settle an argument
we were having earlier.
230
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:17,098
Which Spanish chick has
better jugs:
231
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,225
Salma Hayek
or the other one?
232
00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,603
Oh, but I do not pay
attention to such things.
233
00:09:21,603 --> 00:09:23,188
I am married.
What?
234
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:24,481
Okay, well,
how about this, Mahmoud?
235
00:09:24,481 --> 00:09:26,357
You know "progress" has
the word "pro" in it, right?
236
00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:27,609
Shut up, Joe!
237
00:09:27,609 --> 00:09:29,986
Hey, you guys, come on.
Let's get the man a drink.
238
00:09:29,986 --> 00:09:31,196
What are you having?
239
00:09:31,196 --> 00:09:32,572
How about a ginger ale?
240
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:35,366
But if you'll excuse me,
right now I have to go
241
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:38,369
bring great shame to myself
by using the restroom.
242
00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:39,746
Isn't he great?
243
00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:40,747
No, he's weird.
244
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,248
Why'd he order
a ginger ale?
245
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,000
And who the hell doesn't
look at jugs?
246
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,710
Yeah, and he's got
his cell phone clipped
247
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:48,379
to his belt like he's some
kind of big shot on vacation.
248
00:09:48,379 --> 00:09:50,590
Oh, I see what's going on.
249
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,759
You guys are uncomfortable with
Mahmoud because he's Muslim.
250
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,511
What? What are you
talking about?
251
00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:56,513
This is your post-9/11 racism
talking.
252
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:59,099
I, for one, think it's great
that Peter has enough
253
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,267
of an open mind
to have a Muslim friend.
254
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:04,104
You know, a lot of dogs
just sit outside, tied to poles.
255
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,772
Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay?
256
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,608
So he's Muslim.
Every culture has its quirks.
257
00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:10,610
Italian guys talk
with their hands a lot,
258
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,153
Irish guys drink a lot,
259
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,781
black guys change their shirts
while they tell you a story.
260
00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,117
So, how's Bernadette?
She's all right.
261
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,618
She's taking interior
design classes
262
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,161
down at the
community college.
263
00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:22,247
I mean, she's good at
haircutting and everything.
264
00:10:22,247 --> 00:10:24,290
They gave her the chair
right by the door.
265
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,917
But I guess now
she wants
266
00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:27,794
to hang plates on the
wall or whatever.
267
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,420
And you know she gained
the weight back
268
00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:30,421
from the Lap-Band,
right?
269
00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,298
That Bernadette
and her pie.
270
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:33,633
You know it, brother.
271
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:36,302
Okay, I'm gonna go eat this
steak in the bathroom.
272
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,637
Thanks for getting
dinner, man.
273
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:44,269
(house music thumping, blaring)
274
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:47,188
Wow, this place is
really cool, Mahmoud.
275
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:49,440
It's like ear-bloodening
sounds had sex
276
00:10:49,440 --> 00:10:52,318
with nose-bloodening smells
and this is their baby.
277
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,070
I am glad
you are enjoying yourself.
278
00:10:54,070 --> 00:10:56,281
Would you like some
of my meat fooshnoosh?
279
00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:58,825
It's a chicken that has
been yelled at for two hours
280
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:00,660
and then run over
by a Mercedes.
281
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,328
Mmm! Mmm! Oh!
282
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,455
You can really taste
the fear in the chicken.
283
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:05,582
You know, Peter,
284
00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:07,292
a lot of people are
not as accepting
285
00:11:07,292 --> 00:11:08,960
of Muslim culture
as you are.
286
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,962
Well, I think everything
about it is the best.
287
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,297
Like this hookah.
288
00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,715
I mean, who doesn't want
to sit around a table
289
00:11:13,715 --> 00:11:15,800
with a bunch of guys and
suck on the same thing?
290
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:22,599
Mmm, it's like smoking
my grandfather's jacket.
291
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,684
Man, I wish I could stay
here all night, Mahmoud.
292
00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:26,186
But I'm supposed
to pick up
293
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,312
the dry cleaning
before it closes.
294
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:29,105
I killed a mouse
with my tie.
295
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,190
Nonsense.
296
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,482
I'll have my wife
pick it up for you.
297
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:32,859
What?
She'd do that?
298
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,986
Oh, absolutely.
299
00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:37,238
I need you to run an errand
for my friend Peter.
300
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,323
Of course.
301
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:40,241
Anything for you,
husband.
302
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:42,368
That was amazing.
303
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,245
She just listened
to everything you said.
304
00:11:44,245 --> 00:11:45,246
Of course she listened.
305
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:46,372
In Muslim culture,
306
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:48,374
wives are much more obedient.
307
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:49,751
No way!
That's awesome!
308
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,377
So wait, let me
get this straight:
309
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,879
Sweet hat, obedient wife,
310
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:55,340
and I get to shout
"Admiral Akbar"
311
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,382
when I do stuff?
312
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:59,260
You, sir, have got
yourself a Muslim.
313
00:12:04,766 --> 00:12:06,017
Peter, where
are you going?
314
00:12:06,017 --> 00:12:07,518
And why are you
dressed like that?
315
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,354
Well, Lois, I happen
to be a Muslim now,
316
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:11,231
which means I'll be
spending a lot of my time
317
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,524
in mostly-empty cafes,
watching soccer
318
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:15,235
on an eight-inch
black-and-white TV.
319
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,028
Yes! The team I like
is kicking it!
320
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,905
Oh no! The team I don't like
is kicking it!
321
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,907
Yes! The team I like
is kicking it again!
322
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,909
I will celebrate
with finger cymbals.
323
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,036
(chiming)
324
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,412
Hey, is that for real,
325
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:29,540
that-that "Diarrhea Only" sign
on your bathroom?
326
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:34,170
Peter, this is my friend Omar.
327
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:36,047
He can teach you many things
about our faith,
328
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:37,298
including how to ululate.
329
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:39,259
What's that?
It's this:
330
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:40,426
(rapidly trilling
vocalization)
331
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,428
Oh, my God!
That's terrifying.
332
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:43,554
I don't know if
I'm ready for that.
333
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:44,931
No, Peter, it's okay.
334
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:46,933
Just sing the
beginning of "La Bamba,"
335
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:49,269
but don't say the "La Bamba" part.
Oh, okay.
336
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,645
(rapidly trilling
vocalization) Yes, good job!
337
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:51,938
You're doing it!
I Bamba.
338
00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:53,564
Ooh, so close.
339
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:58,069
All right, Lois,
I'm off to the bazaar.
340
00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,070
What do you mean?
341
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:00,071
You mean the market?
342
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:01,155
Yeah, the bazaar.
343
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:02,573
Well, if you're
going to the market,
344
00:13:02,573 --> 00:13:03,574
can you pick
up some cereal,
345
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:04,951
some butter, and
a loaf of bread?
346
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:06,411
I'll see what
they have.
347
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,162
All right, Lois.
348
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,706
Here's six cobras,
a bolt of silk,
349
00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:10,832
and a ram's horn.
350
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:11,958
Peter, what the hell?
351
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,960
Hey, can you help me
with the 20 paper bags
352
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:15,336
of dates I got in the car?
353
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,797
Why the hell would you
get 20 bags of dates?
354
00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:19,966
The monkey in the little
vest who was selling them
355
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,301
happened to be
very persuasive.
356
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,468
(sighs)
You know what?
357
00:13:22,468 --> 00:13:23,428
Fine.
358
00:13:23,428 --> 00:13:24,971
I'm just gonna
assume this will pass,
359
00:13:24,971 --> 00:13:28,057
like your "everywhere is a
racquetball court" phase.
360
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,485
(Peter gasping)
361
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,487
So, Mike, now that you've
thoroughly kicked my butt
362
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:43,197
all over the court,
what do you say we take
363
00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:45,366
one quick second to talk
about the Wichita account?
364
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:47,368
And let me assure you,
my racquetball game
365
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:50,204
is no indication of how we do
business here at J.T. Stern.
366
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,205
(chuckles)
367
00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:52,957
Okay, zero serving zero.
368
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,627
I have to say, Peter,
369
00:13:56,627 --> 00:13:58,129
lam impressed by how much
370
00:13:58,129 --> 00:13:59,630
you have committed
yourself to Islam.
371
00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,007
Are you kidding?
It's awesome.
372
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:02,633
I even started wearing
leather sandals
373
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:04,260
with way-too-long
toenails.
374
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,845
See how the big ones
are getting yellow?
375
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,722
Ah, yes, very Muslim.
376
00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:10,141
Listen, Peter, some
friends of mine and I
377
00:14:10,141 --> 00:14:11,642
are getting
together tonight
378
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:13,394
and we wanted to invite
you to join us.
379
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:15,355
O.M.A.
380
00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:16,522
lam so there!
381
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,232
Whose crappy van
should we take?
382
00:14:18,232 --> 00:14:19,525
Actually, we are
meeting here.
383
00:14:19,525 --> 00:14:21,486
Follow me.
384
00:14:23,279 --> 00:14:24,280
Oh, hey, you guys
385
00:14:24,280 --> 00:14:25,531
Hey, is anyone
gonna object
386
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:27,533
if I pick my nose
with a dagger?
387
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:28,910
Mahmoud,
who is this man?
388
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,244
Why would you
bring him here?
389
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:31,871
Do not worry.
This is Peter.
390
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:33,247
He believes
in our cause.
391
00:14:33,247 --> 00:14:34,540
How can
you be sure?
392
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:35,666
Give him the test.
393
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,045
Who is better?
394
00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,422
Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik?
395
00:14:41,422 --> 00:14:43,549
Um, the Iron Sheik?
396
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:45,676
Okay. He is one of us.
397
00:14:45,676 --> 00:14:46,552
I told you.
398
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:48,554
Look at him,
he is the perfect man
399
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:50,390
to help us blow up
the Quahog Bridge.
400
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,391
(makes car noises)
401
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,184
(imitates explosion)
402
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:54,435
Ah! Oh my God!
403
00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:55,395
Everybody down!
404
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:56,687
(imitates gunfire)
405
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:59,065
So are these toys just, like,
to take?
406
00:15:04,695 --> 00:15:06,906
Hey, guys, what football
team should I like?
407
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:08,074
Mahmoud says
we all need
408
00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,951
to act like we're fans
of American football
409
00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:13,454
so we seem less...
b-buh... buhspicious.
410
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:14,956
What?
What are you talking about?
411
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:16,207
I'm talking about Mahmoud.
412
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:18,084
You know, I actually feel
really bad for him.
413
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:21,087
Did you know he knew 19 guys
who died on 9/11?
414
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:22,588
I mean, what are the odds?
415
00:15:22,588 --> 00:15:23,965
Peter, I think
you joined
416
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:25,216
a terrorist
sleeper cell.
417
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,801
What?! That's crazy.
418
00:15:26,801 --> 00:15:28,594
Look, I'm gonna
call Mahmoud right now
419
00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:29,929
on this cell
phone he gave me.
420
00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:30,930
He'll tell you.
421
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,557
(keypad beeping)
422
00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:33,599
(explosion, glass shattering)
423
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:34,725
Damn phone's busted.
424
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:35,810
Maybe I dialed wrong.
425
00:15:35,810 --> 00:15:37,603
(keypad beeping)
426
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,105
(explosion, people screaming)
427
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:40,940
Peter, please stop trying
to call Mahmoud.
428
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,108
This is very
serious.
429
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,734
Your friends
are terrorists.
430
00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:44,986
Think about it.
431
00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:46,237
They're... they're
meeting in secret,
432
00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:48,114
they're creating
cover stories...
433
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:49,824
Oh, my God, you're right!
434
00:15:49,824 --> 00:15:51,742
See, I told you
Mahmoud was bad news!
435
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,119
Those guys are
all bad news.
436
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,745
Hang on there,
Quagmire.
437
00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,747
Just because these few
guys are terrorists
438
00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,249
doesn't mean
all Muslims are.
439
00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:00,626
Every ethnic group
has their nut-jobs.
440
00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:03,004
We have the Unabomber,
Timothy McVeigh,
441
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:04,839
and even that fat guy
at the Atlanta Olympics
442
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:06,632
who didn't do it,
but he looked mean,
443
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:07,967
so we said he did.
444
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,094
Joe, you don't get to talk
about the regular Olympics.
445
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,888
Well, I gotta go
down there right now
446
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:13,473
and tell Mahmoud we can't
be friends anymore.
447
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,640
Wait a minute, Peter.
448
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,767
This could actually
be an opportunity.
449
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,644
You're already
in their group.
450
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:19,979
They trust you.
451
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,273
If you can find out what
they're planning next,
452
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,775
we might actually be able
to stop an act of terror.
453
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:26,277
You'd be a hero.
454
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:28,863
Well, I...
I could try.
455
00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:30,656
I mean, I am a
pretty good actor.
456
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,158
Remember how upset
I seemed to get
457
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:33,784
when Lois said she
was leaving town
458
00:16:33,784 --> 00:16:35,161
with the kids
for a few days?
459
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,663
Oh, my God, I'm gonna
miss you guys so much.
460
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:39,165
Don't forget to call
and let me know
461
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:41,167
exactly when
you'll be back.
462
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,293
Get out.
463
00:16:46,631 --> 00:16:48,049
Okay, you're all set.
464
00:16:48,049 --> 00:16:50,968
Remember, we'll be in the van
listening to everything,
465
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:52,345
so if anything goes wrong,
466
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:53,971
we'll pull you right
out of there.
467
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,014
Don't you worry, Joe.
468
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,641
I'll blend in
like a chameleon
469
00:16:56,641 --> 00:16:58,518
in Courtney
Love's crotch.
470
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,019
Oh my God!
471
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,479
Where did you
just come from?
472
00:17:01,479 --> 00:17:04,649
A very, very
bad hiding place.
473
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,862
Okay, before we get started,
474
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:12,031
I have an announcement
from headquarters.
475
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,533
"No more shorts."
476
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,993
And this isn't coming from me,
this is management.
477
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:17,537
This is about me, isn't it?
478
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,038
They don't name names.
479
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:22,375
They just say,
"No more shorts," okay?
480
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,043
All right, this is our target.
481
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,169
The Quahog Bridge.
482
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,046
We loaded a van
with explosives,
483
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,673
which we will drive
to the bridge and...
484
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:30,174
Wait a minute-- explosives?
485
00:17:30,174 --> 00:17:32,176
Is this not improv class?
486
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,052
No.
487
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,053
Is...
488
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:34,929
is this improv?
489
00:17:34,929 --> 00:17:36,389
Are you doing improv?
490
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,266
No. Now get out that door!
491
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,062
The real door!
492
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:45,940
Yes, I have a question:
493
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:48,192
When exactly are we
doing the bombing?
494
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,527
The attack will
happen tomorrow
495
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,028
during afternoon
rush hour.
496
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:52,947
And that's actually where
you come in, Peter.
497
00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:55,908
In order to get past the
checkpoint at the toll plaza,
498
00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,202
we will need an American
behind the wheel
499
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:00,580
to arouse the least amount
of suspicion.
500
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,956
Sorry, can you repeat all that?
501
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,958
I just had an itch
right by my microphone.
502
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,084
Microphone?!
503
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:07,461
He's wearing a wire!
504
00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:13,217
Hey, Joe, can I ask
you a question?
505
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:15,094
Can you fart? Oh,
of course I can.
506
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,345
I've got a button
for it right here.
507
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:18,055
(farting)
508
00:18:18,055 --> 00:18:19,056
Aw, cool!
509
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:20,933
(Peter whimpering)
510
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,935
Hold on. Oh, no!
511
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,604
It sounds like they
found Peter's wire!
512
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,230
Change of plans.
513
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,733
The attack happens now.
514
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:37,617
Now drive.
515
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,452
Man, I never thought
it would end like this.
516
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,120
Why, what did
you imagine?
517
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,123
Basically the same thing,
only Nathan Lane.
518
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,126
♪ Now, drive!
519
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:01,223
Okay, you're
good to go.
520
00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,146
Pull over up here.
521
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,651
Please, Mahmoud,
don't do this.
522
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:12,777
It is too late.
523
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,028
The job must be done.
524
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:15,780
Look, I know you're mad
at our government,
525
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:18,491
but you gotta realize,
that's only part of America.
526
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,034
We're the land of the free
527
00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,994
and the home of the sunburnt,
freckled fat guy.
528
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,413
A place where Jenny McCarthy
has a role
529
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,415
in the debate over
childhood vaccinations.
530
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:28,876
A country where you can walk
into any IHOP
531
00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,169
and see black women fighting.
532
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,380
And where Ubu is considered
a good dog
533
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:33,673
even though he never sat.
534
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:35,675
We're the proud nation
where someone can
535
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,677
shoot up their entire workplace
with a thing,
536
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,513
and then the next day nobody
talks about banning that thing.
537
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,682
It's the land that
lets people on Twitter
538
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,809
spell the word "their"
any way they want.
539
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,519
And where, if you think
you can dance,
540
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:49,188
that assertion will be
challenged and evaluated.
541
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,314
For we...
542
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,191
are America.
543
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,401
You will not convince me.
544
00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:56,028
America must pay for its sins!
545
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,033
Hold it right there!
546
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,204
Mahmoud, you're under arrest.
547
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:07,790
Look, Joe,
I drove a van.
548
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:16,716
Oh, Peter,
I'm so glad you're okay.
549
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,342
Oh, me too, Lois.
550
00:20:18,342 --> 00:20:20,052
That was some
pretty rough stuff.
551
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:23,097
You... you didn't
cry, did you?
552
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:25,182
Well, I mean, I went
through an awful lot.
553
00:20:25,182 --> 00:20:27,727
Peter, if you cried,
we are done.
554
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,186
Great job, Peter.
555
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,564
Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are
behind bars,
556
00:20:31,564 --> 00:20:33,232
and every middle-class Arab
in this town
557
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,192
is now under suspicion.
558
00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:36,193
So what
happens next,
559
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:37,236
do those guys
all get trials?
560
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,697
Well, you know...
(mumbling)
561
00:20:39,697 --> 00:20:43,075
(sighs) It's a long... it's the
process, and... whatever.
562
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,118
Well, what do
you guys say
563
00:20:44,118 --> 00:20:45,953
we all go celebrate
at the Clam?
564
00:20:45,953 --> 00:20:47,204
That's a great idea.
565
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,081
Yeah, I think we could
all use a drink.
566
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,499
Tell you what,
let me call Horace
567
00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,877
and tell him to
get our table ready.
568
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,882
Peter, did you just... Let's
go, let's go, let's go...