1 00:00:00,411 --> 00:00:03,851 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:03,914 --> 00:00:07,101 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,210 --> 00:00:10,703 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:10,858 --> 00:00:13,804 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:13,968 --> 00:00:16,999 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,155 --> 00:00:20,515 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:20,639 --> 00:00:22,073 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,164 --> 00:00:23,835 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:23,914 --> 00:00:29,934 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ *FAMILY GUY* Season 15 Episode 18 "The Peter Principal" 10 00:00:30,083 --> 00:00:33,864 ♪♪ 11 00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:38,143 We now return to Sesame Street, now on HBO. 12 00:00:44,214 --> 00:00:46,120 Oh, hi, you guys. How was school? 13 00:00:46,190 --> 00:00:48,433 Honestly, Mom, today was kind of weird. 14 00:00:48,487 --> 00:00:50,167 Every kid in school had to write a list 15 00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:52,331 of five reasons Principal Shepherd is cool 16 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:53,878 and then have their parents sign it. 17 00:00:53,972 --> 00:00:55,940 What? That seems crazy. 18 00:00:55,971 --> 00:00:57,808 One time, I saw him pee in a urinal 19 00:00:57,870 --> 00:00:59,276 with his hands on his hips. 20 00:00:59,362 --> 00:01:00,487 That's pretty boss. 21 00:01:00,558 --> 00:01:03,097 Why would the principal make all the students do that? 22 00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:04,245 I don't know. 23 00:01:04,308 --> 00:01:05,854 I think he's going through a tough time. 24 00:01:05,909 --> 00:01:07,517 He's in the middle of a bad divorce. 25 00:01:07,589 --> 00:01:09,085 What? How do you know that? 26 00:01:09,151 --> 00:01:11,300 He's actually been pretty open about it. 27 00:01:11,464 --> 00:01:12,847 Good morning, students. 28 00:01:12,917 --> 00:01:13,957 Today at 3:30, 29 00:01:13,976 --> 00:01:17,120 James Woods High will be hosting a cross-country meet, 30 00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,605 which also happens to be where Lorraine 31 00:01:19,675 --> 00:01:22,487 has threatened to take my children, across the country. 32 00:01:22,604 --> 00:01:25,135 And here's today's "Tuesday Trivia" question: 33 00:01:25,284 --> 00:01:26,589 Does this sound like yelling? 34 00:01:26,690 --> 00:01:27,871 Because, apparently, this sounds 35 00:01:27,949 --> 00:01:29,534 to some people like yelling. 36 00:01:29,559 --> 00:01:33,215 ♪♪ 37 00:01:35,269 --> 00:01:37,284 All right, finally some peace and quiet, 38 00:01:37,377 --> 00:01:40,065 so I can buckle down and get some writing done. 39 00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:45,175 - Hey, Bonnie! - What? 40 00:01:45,261 --> 00:01:48,089 Listen to this. Say, "It's all been a pack of lies." 41 00:01:48,190 --> 00:01:49,792 What? Why? 42 00:01:49,886 --> 00:01:52,964 Just do it! Just say, "It's all been a pack of lies." 43 00:01:53,073 --> 00:01:55,253 "It's all been a pack of lies." 44 00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,854 That sounded really good. 45 00:01:59,927 --> 00:02:02,323 Thanks, babe. Hey, you know what that song's about? 46 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:06,081 Phil Collins watching some guy watch another guy drown. 47 00:02:06,151 --> 00:02:08,799 And then, the next night, he invited the watching guy 48 00:02:08,908 --> 00:02:10,487 to be in the front row of his concert 49 00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:13,917 so he could sing it right to him and they could arrest the guy! 50 00:02:14,026 --> 00:02:15,815 Really? Why wouldn't he have just 51 00:02:15,901 --> 00:02:17,823 helped the guy who was drowning? 52 00:02:17,956 --> 00:02:19,995 I don't know, I think he was on a bridge or something. 53 00:02:20,081 --> 00:02:23,331 Like, he could see it, but he couldn't get there in time. 54 00:02:23,456 --> 00:02:25,346 But he let a whole day pass? 55 00:02:25,432 --> 00:02:27,120 Why didn't he call the cops? 56 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,940 'Cause he was busy writing the song! 57 00:02:29,034 --> 00:02:31,167 Wait, if he just watched, 58 00:02:31,245 --> 00:02:33,526 doesn't that also make him a little guilty? 59 00:02:33,643 --> 00:02:35,237 Look, I'm not saying we wouldn't bring Phil Collins 60 00:02:35,331 --> 00:02:36,487 in for questioning. 61 00:02:36,565 --> 00:02:39,268 I feel like maybe this story is bogus. 62 00:02:39,344 --> 00:02:41,674 Hang on, let me check Snopes. 63 00:02:42,432 --> 00:02:44,713 Yeah, none of that happened. 64 00:02:44,821 --> 00:02:45,862 Hey. What's up? 65 00:02:45,968 --> 00:02:48,268 Well, I'm trying to work on a sequel 66 00:02:48,331 --> 00:02:49,659 to The Old Man and the Sea. 67 00:02:49,768 --> 00:02:51,362 Are you, are you allowed to do that? 68 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:54,252 But I can't get anything done. It's so damn loud around here. 69 00:02:54,323 --> 00:02:56,401 Oh, yeah, that's what Hemingway used to complain about. 70 00:02:56,487 --> 00:02:58,901 "This Spanish Civil War is just too loud. 71 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,596 How am I supposed to get anything done?" 72 00:03:00,682 --> 00:03:02,581 No, I mean, it might sound silly, 73 00:03:02,729 --> 00:03:04,346 but I used to daydream that by now 74 00:03:04,371 --> 00:03:06,651 I'd have my own place by a lake somewhere, 75 00:03:06,768 --> 00:03:08,604 an oasis where I could go to write. 76 00:03:08,729 --> 00:03:10,784 Pay the bills by renting out the rooms. 77 00:03:10,877 --> 00:03:13,018 Oh, like a B and B? That could be fun. 78 00:03:13,096 --> 00:03:14,471 What? What are you talking about? 79 00:03:14,542 --> 00:03:16,823 I'm talking about you and me opening a B and B. 80 00:03:16,909 --> 00:03:18,549 Are you serious? That'd be great! 81 00:03:18,651 --> 00:03:19,760 Sure. It'll be fun. 82 00:03:19,854 --> 00:03:21,151 All right, let's give it a try. 83 00:03:21,284 --> 00:03:23,870 Can't be any worse than when I was on the Night's Watch. 84 00:03:24,010 --> 00:03:27,127 Hey, guys, you all want to say the oath again? 85 00:03:32,237 --> 00:03:33,862 For the watch. 86 00:03:34,095 --> 00:03:35,604 For the watch. 87 00:03:35,713 --> 00:03:37,947 For the watch. 88 00:03:38,229 --> 00:03:39,764 Hi, Brian. 89 00:03:39,882 --> 00:03:41,292 I'm the boring storyline 90 00:03:41,373 --> 00:03:42,909 of the fat guy that's watching that girl. 91 00:03:43,026 --> 00:03:44,698 And I'm Ballers. 92 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,245 Ow! 93 00:03:47,389 --> 00:03:50,343 I totally get it. You're right to do this. 94 00:03:50,507 --> 00:03:54,276 ♪♪ 95 00:03:55,557 --> 00:03:58,073 Well, well, if it isn't Meg Griffin. 96 00:03:58,224 --> 00:03:59,948 Leave me alone, you guys. 97 00:04:00,026 --> 00:04:02,518 Relax. We're taking the day off from bullying. 98 00:04:02,596 --> 00:04:04,620 Oh, thank God. 99 00:04:08,026 --> 00:04:11,268 Very funny. Who put the Ark of the Covenant in here? 100 00:04:12,909 --> 00:04:14,292 Meg is so stupid. 101 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:17,081 She couldn't handle the glory of God's love. 102 00:04:17,307 --> 00:04:20,511 Students, faculty and staff of James Woods High, 103 00:04:20,596 --> 00:04:22,181 does anyone know how to push down 104 00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:23,471 the backseat of a Highlander? 105 00:04:23,557 --> 00:04:26,510 I know I can make a bed in there, I just don't know how. 106 00:04:26,620 --> 00:04:29,087 Oh, my God, Principal Shepherd, what's wrong? 107 00:04:29,198 --> 00:04:31,724 I just listened to two hours of butt-dialed sex 108 00:04:31,815 --> 00:04:33,940 between my wife and the ADT alarm guy. 109 00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:35,745 Why didn't you just hang up? 110 00:04:35,853 --> 00:04:38,565 Because I miss the sound of her voice. 111 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:42,362 Oh, my God! 112 00:04:42,471 --> 00:04:43,549 Principal Shepherd, 113 00:04:43,636 --> 00:04:45,010 your wife is on the line. 114 00:04:45,127 --> 00:04:49,299 She says, "Uh, uh, oh, God, harder." 115 00:04:49,324 --> 00:04:53,914 ♪♪ 116 00:04:56,002 --> 00:04:58,760 Man, I still can't get over how perfect this place is. 117 00:04:58,854 --> 00:05:01,401 I know, it's going to be such a darling B and B. 118 00:05:01,510 --> 00:05:03,621 I got the boiler up and running, Mr. Griffin. 119 00:05:03,690 --> 00:05:04,909 Well, we don't have a boiler, 120 00:05:04,957 --> 00:05:07,237 but I can't wait to see what you've done in the cellar. 121 00:05:07,338 --> 00:05:10,628 Oh, also, please rub the "H" and the "C" off all the knobs, 122 00:05:10,682 --> 00:05:12,542 so people won't know what the hell's going on. 123 00:05:12,627 --> 00:05:14,846 I want the first four minutes of every shower 124 00:05:14,929 --> 00:05:17,018 to be confusion and anger. 125 00:05:21,303 --> 00:05:23,311 Welcome, members of our school community. 126 00:05:23,404 --> 00:05:25,303 Let's call to order this emergency meeting 127 00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:28,475 of the school board regarding Principal Shepherd's meltdown. 128 00:05:28,614 --> 00:05:30,982 I know a number of our students have felt 129 00:05:31,061 --> 00:05:34,748 "traumatized" by the events of this week, 130 00:05:34,889 --> 00:05:38,006 and we take those concerns very seriously. 131 00:05:38,912 --> 00:05:40,311 Lois, I'm done with my gum. 132 00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:41,435 I don't want it. 133 00:05:41,504 --> 00:05:42,521 But I'm done with it. 134 00:05:42,546 --> 00:05:44,046 Peter, shh. 135 00:05:44,519 --> 00:05:45,865 I'll take it. 136 00:05:47,475 --> 00:05:50,061 So, due to his erratic behavior, we have placed 137 00:05:50,136 --> 00:05:52,850 Principal Shepherd on indefinite paid leave. 138 00:05:53,037 --> 00:05:55,795 Typically, Vice Principal McGuire would step in. 139 00:05:55,896 --> 00:05:57,756 However, I was informed earlier today 140 00:05:57,817 --> 00:06:00,170 that she was found dead in her car. 141 00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,951 Therefore, the board is seeking a parent volunteer 142 00:06:05,021 --> 00:06:06,717 to serve as interim principal 143 00:06:06,819 --> 00:06:08,998 until a permanent replacement can be found. 144 00:06:09,154 --> 00:06:11,428 Hey, Lois, maybe I should do it. I've always wanted a job 145 00:06:11,523 --> 00:06:13,335 where I can let my dandruff go wild. 146 00:06:13,451 --> 00:06:14,654 What? No way. 147 00:06:14,748 --> 00:06:16,857 I'm not having my dad be the principal. 148 00:06:16,951 --> 00:06:18,365 How embarrassing! 149 00:06:18,443 --> 00:06:20,267 Yeah, no offense, Peter, but I don't know 150 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:21,866 if you should be running a school. 151 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,951 What are you talking about? I'm a natural leader. 152 00:06:24,029 --> 00:06:26,521 That's why I'm so good at leading Simon Says. 153 00:06:26,725 --> 00:06:29,115 Simon says, "Leave the band." 154 00:06:30,396 --> 00:06:31,717 Yeah, I don't know. 155 00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:33,660 Well, you know what? You guys are wrong. 156 00:06:33,764 --> 00:06:35,053 And I'm gonna prove it to you. 157 00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:36,756 Again, any volunteers? 158 00:06:36,882 --> 00:06:38,826 I'll be your new principal! 159 00:06:38,943 --> 00:06:41,854 Wonderful. Why don't you come on up and introduce yourself. 160 00:06:41,982 --> 00:06:45,556 All right. James Woods High cheerleaders, give me a hand! 161 00:06:47,726 --> 00:06:48,993 Check. Him out. 162 00:06:48,994 --> 00:06:50,395 Check. Check him out. 163 00:06:50,396 --> 00:06:52,063 - My name is Peter. - Check. 164 00:06:52,064 --> 00:06:53,840 - That ain't no lie. - Check. 165 00:06:53,933 --> 00:06:57,496 I go pop, pop, fizz, fizz, oh, how sweet it is. 166 00:06:57,569 --> 00:06:58,855 Check! Check! 167 00:07:00,183 --> 00:07:01,519 I'm done with this gum now. 168 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:02,785 I don't want it. 169 00:07:02,865 --> 00:07:04,230 But I'm done with it. 170 00:07:05,106 --> 00:07:09,380 ♪♪ 171 00:07:10,766 --> 00:07:13,418 Mom, why was this Listerine in the garbage? 172 00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,465 Oh, your father says he doesn't need it anymore 173 00:07:15,535 --> 00:07:17,191 now that he's a high school principal. 174 00:07:17,249 --> 00:07:19,590 Oh, my God, he's not really doing that, is he? 175 00:07:19,683 --> 00:07:21,933 I'm only gonna get bullied worse now. 176 00:07:22,058 --> 00:07:24,318 Hello, Breakfast Club. 177 00:07:24,773 --> 00:07:26,591 As a principal, I like to start each morning 178 00:07:26,898 --> 00:07:28,613 with a reference from last century. 179 00:07:28,715 --> 00:07:30,454 Dad, I don't want you to do this. 180 00:07:30,517 --> 00:07:32,171 Too late. I've already been practicing 181 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:35,098 giving students awkward and uncoordinated high fives. 182 00:07:35,177 --> 00:07:36,699 Chris, if I may? 183 00:07:38,181 --> 00:07:41,754 Yay! Two fingers and side-of-the-palm contact. 184 00:07:41,846 --> 00:07:42,931 Perfect! 185 00:07:42,996 --> 00:07:45,035 All right, I got to get to work by 7:40, 186 00:07:45,103 --> 00:07:47,368 'cause that's when high school starts for some reason. 187 00:07:47,485 --> 00:07:50,696 See you at the way-too-early 10:40 lunch. 188 00:07:52,759 --> 00:07:54,019 I feel you, Meg. 189 00:07:54,097 --> 00:07:56,535 - Shut up. - You shut up! 190 00:07:56,560 --> 00:08:00,160 ♪♪ 191 00:08:02,298 --> 00:08:05,149 Wow, look at us. Running a B and B. 192 00:08:05,243 --> 00:08:07,751 Yes, so far, all the guests seem very happy. 193 00:08:07,899 --> 00:08:09,165 Hi, we're checking out. 194 00:08:09,228 --> 00:08:10,814 Just charge my card. 195 00:08:11,164 --> 00:08:12,695 That's weird, that's the fifth couple 196 00:08:12,750 --> 00:08:14,642 to check out after only an hour. 197 00:08:14,845 --> 00:08:16,454 Hi, we'd like a room, please. 198 00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:18,329 Wait, I'm sorry, weren't you just here a moment ago 199 00:08:18,407 --> 00:08:21,032 with a different man... oh, crap. 200 00:08:21,157 --> 00:08:23,235 Stewie, we have a problem. The only people checking in 201 00:08:23,306 --> 00:08:25,126 are here to have sex with prostitutes. 202 00:08:25,196 --> 00:08:26,485 What? Nonsense. 203 00:08:26,586 --> 00:08:28,243 Well, then why are they all signing the guest book 204 00:08:28,353 --> 00:08:29,751 and writing quaint things like, 205 00:08:29,930 --> 00:08:32,407 "Railed Crystal good." Oh... 206 00:08:32,634 --> 00:08:33,915 Damn it, this is awful. 207 00:08:34,071 --> 00:08:35,548 How could I have not noticed sooner? 208 00:08:35,696 --> 00:08:36,806 I mean, it's more obvious 209 00:08:36,860 --> 00:08:38,931 than when George Takei was in the closet. 210 00:08:39,181 --> 00:08:40,735 Hey, George, how are you? 211 00:08:40,831 --> 00:08:42,978 I am a heterosexual. 212 00:08:43,079 --> 00:08:45,102 I love vaginas. 213 00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:48,337 So, what are you doing tonight? 214 00:08:48,431 --> 00:08:51,149 Hopefully, choking on some lovely lady parts. 215 00:08:51,235 --> 00:08:52,868 Oh, nummers. 216 00:08:52,954 --> 00:08:54,751 All right, that sounds fun. See you later. 217 00:08:54,853 --> 00:08:57,360 I am a heterosexual. 218 00:08:57,385 --> 00:09:01,485 ♪♪ 219 00:09:01,617 --> 00:09:02,745 Good morning, children. 220 00:09:02,816 --> 00:09:05,618 I am your interim principal, Mr. Griffin. 221 00:09:05,735 --> 00:09:07,516 And to show I'm a fun principal, 222 00:09:07,597 --> 00:09:09,532 I'm gonna do the Ice Bucket Challenge. 223 00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:10,727 Three years too late, 224 00:09:10,790 --> 00:09:12,446 but right on time for a principal. 225 00:09:12,555 --> 00:09:15,743 And making no less sense than it did when it was current. 226 00:09:19,477 --> 00:09:22,063 You're welcome, person who's probably already dead. 227 00:09:22,204 --> 00:09:24,235 But, hey, now I got something even more fun. 228 00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:27,125 How about we all do an expertly choreographed lip-dub 229 00:09:27,211 --> 00:09:28,844 to a popular song. 230 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:33,769 ♪♪ 231 00:09:33,794 --> 00:09:35,294 ♪♪ 232 00:09:35,297 --> 00:09:37,305 ♪ Ah... ♪ 233 00:09:37,387 --> 00:09:39,189 ♪ This hit, that ice cold ♪ 234 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:41,461 ♪ Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold ♪ 235 00:09:41,550 --> 00:09:43,359 ♪ This one for them hood girls ♪ 236 00:09:43,461 --> 00:09:45,528 ♪ Them good girls, straight masterpieces ♪ 237 00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:49,649 ♪ Stylin', wilin', livin' it up in the city... ♪ 238 00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:53,525 ♪ Got to kiss myself, I'm so pretty ♪ 239 00:09:53,581 --> 00:09:54,514 ♪ I'm too hot ♪ 240 00:09:54,569 --> 00:09:55,844 ♪ Hot damn ♪ 241 00:09:55,869 --> 00:09:58,219 ♪ Call the police and the fireman... ♪ 242 00:10:02,156 --> 00:10:03,922 Ladies, this is my associate. 243 00:10:04,016 --> 00:10:06,016 Brian, bitches. Bitches, Brian. 244 00:10:06,140 --> 00:10:07,672 What... what's all this? 245 00:10:07,750 --> 00:10:10,235 This, Brian, is called diversification. 246 00:10:10,430 --> 00:10:12,118 You see, if our guests insist on 247 00:10:12,186 --> 00:10:14,172 bringing prostitutes into our B and B, 248 00:10:14,282 --> 00:10:16,094 we might as well provide the women, too. 249 00:10:16,156 --> 00:10:18,358 What? Stewie, we're not gonna become pimps. 250 00:10:18,469 --> 00:10:19,665 Are you sure? 251 00:10:19,743 --> 00:10:21,406 I'm sure. The answer is no, 252 00:10:21,532 --> 00:10:23,219 so don't bother flashing a wad of money, 253 00:10:23,305 --> 00:10:25,008 because there's no way I'm gonna change my answer 254 00:10:25,055 --> 00:10:26,086 in the middle of this sentence... 255 00:10:26,118 --> 00:10:27,961 Okay, maybe we could try it out and see how it goes. 256 00:10:28,019 --> 00:10:29,553 Hey, what are you girls doing standing around?! 257 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:30,719 Get to work! 258 00:10:30,946 --> 00:10:33,071 Ha-ha! I'm telling you, 259 00:10:33,143 --> 00:10:35,844 that dog is very easily persuaded. 260 00:10:35,946 --> 00:10:38,930 Now let's see what's going on at the old high school. 261 00:10:39,125 --> 00:10:40,649 Ooh... 262 00:10:41,047 --> 00:10:42,875 Doo-ooh... 263 00:10:42,963 --> 00:10:44,672 Doo... 264 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:49,959 Hey, guys, guys. 265 00:10:50,047 --> 00:10:51,547 When Borat was making announcements 266 00:10:51,662 --> 00:10:54,344 over the P.A. this morning, that was me. 267 00:10:54,424 --> 00:10:56,625 What?! Shut the front door. 268 00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:59,636 Taco Tuesday is nice. 269 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,704 Knock it off! Give me back my lunch. 270 00:11:01,813 --> 00:11:03,024 What do we got here? 271 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:05,391 Grape juice in a Ziploc bag? 272 00:11:05,509 --> 00:11:07,602 I have to make my own Capri Suns. 273 00:11:09,697 --> 00:11:11,063 Hey, stupid, what the hell are you doing? 274 00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:12,180 That's my daughter! 275 00:11:12,274 --> 00:11:14,438 Yeah? What are you gonna do about it? 276 00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:15,766 What am I gonna do about it? 277 00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,258 I'll knock your teeth down your throat 278 00:11:17,366 --> 00:11:18,891 and out your butt, you little bastard! 279 00:11:19,422 --> 00:11:20,563 Oh, you think that's funny, 280 00:11:20,610 --> 00:11:22,196 him spilling juice all over the floor? 281 00:11:22,303 --> 00:11:24,141 This is gonna make people's sneakers sticky, 282 00:11:24,235 --> 00:11:25,915 and then we're gonna have to listen to... 283 00:11:26,421 --> 00:11:27,586 all day! 284 00:11:27,697 --> 00:11:28,743 Well, I won't have it. 285 00:11:28,807 --> 00:11:30,141 Get on your knees and lick that up! 286 00:11:30,267 --> 00:11:32,352 What? A-Are you serious? 287 00:11:32,407 --> 00:11:34,204 Yeah, I'm serious. I'm the principal! 288 00:11:41,860 --> 00:11:43,646 Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. 289 00:11:43,704 --> 00:11:44,868 What are you talking about? 290 00:11:44,978 --> 00:11:47,282 That jerk is finally getting what he deserves. 291 00:11:47,384 --> 00:11:49,305 Yeah, Meg, now that your dad's the principal, 292 00:11:49,383 --> 00:11:51,618 you could finally have power over the bullies. 293 00:11:51,719 --> 00:11:53,430 Now, you little punks get to class. 294 00:11:53,516 --> 00:11:55,367 And if you see Miss Millikan, tell her I said, 295 00:11:55,454 --> 00:11:57,047 "Hey, what's up?" 296 00:11:57,367 --> 00:11:58,617 Huh. 297 00:11:58,730 --> 00:12:00,196 Maybe you're right. 298 00:12:00,516 --> 00:12:02,732 Wow, Dad, that was really something. 299 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:03,993 Miss Millikan's just a friend. 300 00:12:04,055 --> 00:12:05,290 Oh, I don't mean that. 301 00:12:05,332 --> 00:12:06,797 I mean the way you handled those guys 302 00:12:06,883 --> 00:12:08,133 that were picking on me. 303 00:12:08,221 --> 00:12:10,704 Really? I felt like I kind of lost my cool there. 304 00:12:10,774 --> 00:12:11,993 Not at all. 305 00:12:12,029 --> 00:12:13,830 That's what you've got to do more of. 306 00:12:13,917 --> 00:12:16,551 - You were like a real principal there. - I was? 307 00:12:16,638 --> 00:12:19,102 Yeah. In fact, if you're gonna lead this school, 308 00:12:19,182 --> 00:12:21,219 you've got to know that kids need discipline. 309 00:12:21,385 --> 00:12:23,149 Especially kids like them. 310 00:12:23,261 --> 00:12:24,794 And their friends, Jeremy and Bridget. 311 00:12:24,930 --> 00:12:26,330 Oh, really? 312 00:12:26,424 --> 00:12:29,407 Where might I find this Jeremy and Bridget? 313 00:12:29,493 --> 00:12:31,469 I don't know, study hall, second floor? 314 00:12:34,329 --> 00:12:36,790 All right, listen up, maggots! Fun's over! 315 00:12:36,907 --> 00:12:38,782 There's gonna be some changes around here, 316 00:12:38,871 --> 00:12:40,711 and what better way to show you I'm serious 317 00:12:40,813 --> 00:12:43,422 than to smash a desk with a baseball bat? 318 00:12:58,816 --> 00:13:00,485 Oh! 319 00:13:25,497 --> 00:13:27,294 Okay, we'll pick this up on Monday. 320 00:13:27,442 --> 00:13:29,151 Do any of you know my wife Lois? 321 00:13:29,333 --> 00:13:31,216 Tell her I'm on the bats and to come get me. 322 00:13:31,281 --> 00:13:32,621 She'll know what it means. 323 00:13:37,802 --> 00:13:39,067 Let's go. Keep it moving. 324 00:13:39,126 --> 00:13:40,685 Get to class. Hey, you. 325 00:13:40,794 --> 00:13:43,138 You salute that flag when you walk by, kid. 326 00:13:43,283 --> 00:13:44,984 Loads of people fought for that thing, 327 00:13:45,009 --> 00:13:46,427 including yours truly. 328 00:13:46,599 --> 00:13:48,216 Y-You were in the service? 329 00:13:48,388 --> 00:13:51,255 I may have misunderstood what "yours truly" means. 330 00:13:51,424 --> 00:13:52,724 Hey, Dad, listen. 331 00:13:52,804 --> 00:13:54,458 The four of us got together last night, 332 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:56,849 and we came up with a list of 11 students 333 00:13:56,928 --> 00:13:59,122 and two teachers that you need to do something about. 334 00:13:59,230 --> 00:14:00,896 Maybe you should start with Mark Rutledge. 335 00:14:00,957 --> 00:14:02,067 Why? What'd he do? 336 00:14:02,132 --> 00:14:04,356 He wouldn't kiss Ruth at the Sadie Hawkins dance, 337 00:14:04,471 --> 00:14:05,763 even though she bought him dinner before 338 00:14:05,872 --> 00:14:07,083 at Walt's Roast Beef. 339 00:14:07,117 --> 00:14:08,708 Well, I don't see how that's got anything to do... 340 00:14:08,797 --> 00:14:10,067 And he called you fat. 341 00:14:10,168 --> 00:14:11,503 Oh, I'm gonna squish him! 342 00:14:11,574 --> 00:14:12,774 That's right. 343 00:14:12,817 --> 00:14:14,647 Don't take any crap from anyone. 344 00:14:14,708 --> 00:14:15,847 Oh, I won't. 345 00:14:15,911 --> 00:14:17,622 I'm gonna take down all these punks, 346 00:14:17,717 --> 00:14:20,372 just like I did in my 1980s crime series, 347 00:14:20,465 --> 00:14:22,888 Gary Ratowski, Hockey Cop. 348 00:14:23,123 --> 00:14:24,380 Gimme that purse! 349 00:14:24,491 --> 00:14:26,201 Hey, criminals. 350 00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:29,194 Puck you! 351 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:34,856 Get the puck out of my neighborhood. 352 00:14:36,398 --> 00:14:38,383 Go puck yourself. 353 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,192 Uh-oh, here come the real cops. 354 00:14:43,285 --> 00:14:45,458 Hockey Cop, not a cop. 355 00:14:45,483 --> 00:14:48,083 ♪♪ 356 00:14:48,108 --> 00:14:50,108 ♪♪ 357 00:14:50,114 --> 00:14:51,700 All right, ladies, I'm going to put this 358 00:14:51,763 --> 00:14:53,255 as gently as I can, 359 00:14:53,356 --> 00:14:55,075 but it appears that someone's rectum 360 00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:56,583 fell out on the stairs. 361 00:14:56,756 --> 00:14:58,911 Now, whose is it? Be honest. 362 00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:00,645 All right, that's fine. 363 00:15:00,727 --> 00:15:02,168 But let's just agree on a rule 364 00:15:02,245 --> 00:15:04,356 that if your rectum falls out on the stairs, 365 00:15:04,448 --> 00:15:06,044 it's on you to pick it up. 366 00:15:06,263 --> 00:15:07,528 Look at that, Brian. 367 00:15:07,638 --> 00:15:10,341 Our day has just begun, and there's a line out the door. 368 00:15:10,471 --> 00:15:11,903 I know, we're raking it in. 369 00:15:11,957 --> 00:15:13,160 This is a hell of a lot easier 370 00:15:13,196 --> 00:15:15,411 than when I delivered pizza in New Orleans. 371 00:15:17,215 --> 00:15:18,317 What the hell? 372 00:15:18,849 --> 00:15:20,669 ♪ We're all just blocking the street ♪ 373 00:15:20,724 --> 00:15:22,614 ♪ We're all just blocking the street... ♪ 374 00:15:22,639 --> 00:15:24,974 Come on, I got to deliver this pizza. 375 00:15:25,114 --> 00:15:26,927 ♪ Five trumpets do the job of one ♪ 376 00:15:27,044 --> 00:15:28,513 ♪ We're all just blocking the street... ♪ 377 00:15:28,602 --> 00:15:30,036 I need to be there in 30 minutes. 378 00:15:30,088 --> 00:15:31,187 It's a company promise! 379 00:15:31,243 --> 00:15:33,325 ♪ Half the band isn't in the band ♪ 380 00:15:33,417 --> 00:15:35,085 ♪ We're all just blocking the street... ♪ 381 00:15:35,130 --> 00:15:36,192 Oh, thank God. 382 00:15:36,266 --> 00:15:38,409 ♪ One of us dropped a contact lens ♪ 383 00:15:38,511 --> 00:15:40,427 ♪ We're going back to block the street... ♪ 384 00:15:40,466 --> 00:15:41,544 Ah, screw it. 385 00:15:41,587 --> 00:15:43,380 ♪ We won't stop blocking the street ♪ 386 00:15:43,477 --> 00:15:46,583 ♪ Never stop blocking the street. ♪ 387 00:15:49,381 --> 00:15:52,300 Okay, so I think Lee Blanding gets detention. 388 00:15:52,427 --> 00:15:54,466 And for Jason O'Neil, 389 00:15:54,550 --> 00:15:56,219 maybe you could pants him during an assembly. 390 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:57,942 Yes, good. I like that. 391 00:15:58,294 --> 00:16:00,653 Oh, hi, you two. What are you working on? 392 00:16:00,739 --> 00:16:01,802 Oh, nothing. 393 00:16:01,875 --> 00:16:04,411 I, um... I'm just helping Dad 394 00:16:04,579 --> 00:16:06,231 with his schedule for tomorrow. 395 00:16:06,339 --> 00:16:08,880 You know, he's really doing a great job. 396 00:16:08,989 --> 00:16:11,513 He's actually made the school a lot better. 397 00:16:11,665 --> 00:16:14,356 Huh. Well, I got to admit I was skeptical, 398 00:16:14,427 --> 00:16:16,755 but it sounds like things are going pretty well down there. 399 00:16:16,833 --> 00:16:18,130 You bet they are. 400 00:16:18,175 --> 00:16:20,052 They'll go even better after The Purge. 401 00:16:20,077 --> 00:16:21,121 The what? 402 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,107 Hey, Meg, how about one of these? 403 00:16:24,238 --> 00:16:25,505 One of them things, yeah? 404 00:16:25,552 --> 00:16:27,013 Peter, what the hell are you doing? 405 00:16:27,111 --> 00:16:30,138 Uh, he's just saying he wants to use his key 406 00:16:30,296 --> 00:16:33,567 to drive me to school tomorrow in his car. 407 00:16:33,700 --> 00:16:36,422 Peter, what exactly are you doing down at that school? 408 00:16:36,489 --> 00:16:37,622 I'll tell you what I'm doing. 409 00:16:37,687 --> 00:16:39,067 I'm doing a great job, 410 00:16:39,106 --> 00:16:41,200 like when I was a pro football kicker. 411 00:16:44,513 --> 00:16:46,942 Yay! Now I can fist bump with black guys. 412 00:16:47,075 --> 00:16:48,075 Nailed it, Peter! 413 00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,106 There you go! 414 00:16:49,131 --> 00:16:50,622 Yeah! We going to the club tonight? 415 00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,667 - Not you! - Okay! 416 00:16:52,692 --> 00:16:55,392 ♪♪ 417 00:16:55,417 --> 00:16:57,117 ♪♪ 418 00:16:57,310 --> 00:16:59,231 Hey, Brian, what's a "splat job"? 419 00:16:59,364 --> 00:17:00,739 I-I don't, I don't know, Stewie. 420 00:17:00,808 --> 00:17:02,942 I'm worried that you're seeing too much. 421 00:17:04,162 --> 00:17:05,215 Good morning, ladies. 422 00:17:05,273 --> 00:17:07,833 Were the paramedics able to resuscitate Lamar Odom? 423 00:17:07,965 --> 00:17:09,614 They're still working on it. 424 00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,114 He's tall, get it? 425 00:17:19,256 --> 00:17:21,138 Okay, show's over. Everybody back to work. 426 00:17:21,250 --> 00:17:23,278 Yeah, about that. We got to talk. 427 00:17:23,372 --> 00:17:25,216 Oh, uh, sure. What's up? 428 00:17:25,349 --> 00:17:28,989 We just realized we can keep all the money, take your house, 429 00:17:29,089 --> 00:17:31,630 and kill you if you try to do anything about it. 430 00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,052 All right, we're just gonna step outside 431 00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:35,677 and figure out a counter. 432 00:17:38,221 --> 00:17:39,771 And they locked us out. 433 00:17:39,889 --> 00:17:42,247 What about my loaf of cinnamon raisin bread?! 434 00:17:42,322 --> 00:17:44,825 It's mine! It's not for the whole house! 435 00:17:54,060 --> 00:17:55,724 Let's just go. They won. 436 00:17:55,811 --> 00:17:58,177 Oh, we'll see about that. 437 00:17:59,254 --> 00:18:00,911 Hello, I'd like to report a brothel 438 00:18:01,052 --> 00:18:03,591 operating on Route 6, near Round Hill Road. 439 00:18:03,668 --> 00:18:04,896 Thank you. 440 00:18:05,099 --> 00:18:06,942 You want to eat mangled raisin bread 441 00:18:07,015 --> 00:18:09,310 across the street and watch the cops raid the place? 442 00:18:09,528 --> 00:18:11,786 Yeah, I'd like that. 443 00:18:24,166 --> 00:18:26,099 Oh, here comes the UPS guy. 444 00:18:26,328 --> 00:18:29,474 Oh, I bet he's delivering those marmalade jars we ordered. 445 00:18:29,614 --> 00:18:31,560 Doesn't that feel like a million years ago? 446 00:18:31,677 --> 00:18:33,060 Yeah, we don't need those anymore. 447 00:18:33,128 --> 00:18:35,099 Sorry, just send them back. 448 00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:39,161 You can just do that? 449 00:18:39,217 --> 00:18:41,130 Oh, yeah, you can just refuse delivery. 450 00:18:41,247 --> 00:18:42,409 You've never done that? 451 00:18:42,482 --> 00:18:44,841 I-I genuinely did not know you could do that. 452 00:18:44,979 --> 00:18:46,802 Well, you can. Anything you order. 453 00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:48,778 If you don't sign for it, it has to go back. 454 00:18:48,875 --> 00:18:49,958 Everyone does it. 455 00:18:50,035 --> 00:18:51,403 Most of what America is now 456 00:18:51,450 --> 00:18:54,130 is just boxes going back and forth. 457 00:18:54,155 --> 00:18:57,255 ♪♪ 458 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:58,380 ♪♪ 459 00:19:00,388 --> 00:19:03,239 Students, this is a chair without a seat. 460 00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:06,145 Jeff Banfield, I'd like you to please come down here, 461 00:19:06,255 --> 00:19:07,802 take your pants off and sit. 462 00:19:07,927 --> 00:19:09,638 Me? What did I do? 463 00:19:09,778 --> 00:19:11,349 You know what you did, Jeff! 464 00:19:11,426 --> 00:19:13,052 I don't even know what's going on! 465 00:19:13,138 --> 00:19:14,591 Just go, Jeff, or he'll start 466 00:19:14,669 --> 00:19:16,434 hitting that trash can with a spoon again. 467 00:19:16,536 --> 00:19:18,770 That means now, Mr. Banfield! 468 00:19:25,981 --> 00:19:27,434 What is going on here? 469 00:19:27,561 --> 00:19:29,153 Just a little of the three "R" s... 470 00:19:29,256 --> 00:19:32,224 Reading, writing and wrecking this guy's sack. 471 00:19:32,434 --> 00:19:35,411 The school board received a very serious complaint. 472 00:19:35,606 --> 00:19:39,036 Mr. Griffin, you are hereby relieved of your duties. 473 00:19:39,591 --> 00:19:40,763 A promotion? 474 00:19:40,864 --> 00:19:42,349 No, you're fired. 475 00:19:42,458 --> 00:19:44,341 We've reinstated Principal Shepherd. 476 00:19:44,405 --> 00:19:45,997 Wait, he's back? 477 00:19:46,104 --> 00:19:48,489 But he had that crazy meltdown about his divorce. 478 00:19:48,576 --> 00:19:51,005 Yes, but then I went on a sex trip to Thailand, 479 00:19:51,108 --> 00:19:53,543 and I banged all the goofy right out of me. 480 00:19:53,646 --> 00:19:55,192 Wait. Dad's fired? 481 00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:57,364 Who did this? Who turned him in? 482 00:19:57,668 --> 00:19:58,849 I did. 483 00:19:58,935 --> 00:20:00,153 Hi, Mrs. Griffin! 484 00:20:00,263 --> 00:20:02,114 Hi. Hi, Patty. 485 00:20:03,138 --> 00:20:04,389 Why, Mom? 486 00:20:04,489 --> 00:20:07,247 Because what you and your father have been doing is wrong. 487 00:20:07,399 --> 00:20:09,302 We'll talk about this at home. 488 00:20:10,684 --> 00:20:13,665 Well, I guess your mom was right all along. 489 00:20:13,856 --> 00:20:16,301 I had no business running a school. 490 00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:18,325 Can I be honest with you, Dad? 491 00:20:18,547 --> 00:20:20,224 I thought you were awesome. 492 00:20:20,337 --> 00:20:22,833 You stood up for all the kids who get picked on. 493 00:20:23,020 --> 00:20:24,755 You stood up for me. 494 00:20:24,950 --> 00:20:28,427 Wow, so... so you think I did a good job being Principal? 495 00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:31,897 No, you did a good job being my dad. 496 00:20:37,137 --> 00:20:39,020 Come on, Meg, let's go home. 497 00:20:39,191 --> 00:20:41,293 And next time I want to get back at your bullies, 498 00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:42,840 I'll do it the old-fashioned way... 499 00:20:42,995 --> 00:20:46,473 As a grown man beating up teenagers in a parking lot. 500 00:20:49,473 --> 00:20:52,223 I'm planning on dying tonight. 501 00:20:53,012 --> 00:20:55,006 What are your plans?