1
00:00:01,503 --> 00:00:04,870
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,173
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,546
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:17,816
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,818 --> 00:00:21,486
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,488 --> 00:00:23,021
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:29,861
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:36,835
(crowd chattering,
lively Italian music playing)
11
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:39,871
Ah, the Feast
of San Gennaro.
12
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,907
Every child here
has seen a relative
13
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,341
murdered in a
barber chair.
14
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:44,876
Step right up!
15
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,546
Teach an old Italian lady
how to use an iPad!
16
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,348
Now, that sounds like fun.
I'll give it a try.
17
00:00:50,350 --> 00:00:52,751
Hey, how are you?
Look what I got for you.
18
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,853
What is it?
It's a tablet computer.
19
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:56,021
I don't want it.
20
00:00:56,023 --> 00:00:57,522
But you don't even
know what it is.
21
00:00:57,524 --> 00:00:58,657
I don't want it.
22
00:00:58,659 --> 00:01:00,058
But you can
watch movies on it.
23
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,159
My eyes hurt.
24
00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:02,827
I'm trying to do
something nice here!
25
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,429
For the last time,
I don't want it.
26
00:01:04,431 --> 00:01:07,098
I bet you if Joey was
giving it to you, you'd take it.
27
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,366
Don't you bring
him into this.
28
00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:09,734
Joey was a good boy.
29
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,403
Oh, yeah, yeah,
Joey was a good boy?
30
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,772
You thought he was making
100 grand a year hauling lumber?
31
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:14,940
Don't you start
with this.
32
00:01:14,942 --> 00:01:16,274
He was dirty, Ma!
33
00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:18,376
I can't hear this!
I won't hear it!
34
00:01:18,378 --> 00:01:20,111
He was an angel!
Oh, that's right.
35
00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:22,547
"Angel Joey," great Joey,
perfect Joey.
36
00:01:22,549 --> 00:01:24,049
I got to go
to the church.
37
00:01:24,051 --> 00:01:25,584
Oh, yeah, sure,
light another candle.
38
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,619
That'll bring him back.
You watch your tongue.
39
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:30,388
Admit it, you wish it was me
in that car instead of him!
40
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,424
Just take your
little TV and go!
41
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,025
It's an iPad,
you dumb cow!
42
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:35,360
(groans)
43
00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:38,363
I guess I don't
have any sons now.
44
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:40,932
Ma! I'm sorry, Ma!
45
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:43,602
Ma! Ma!
46
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,437
Hey, Bri, look
over there.
47
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,539
That guy looks like
Frank Sinatra, Jr.
48
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,873
Stewie, this is
Federal Hill.
49
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,275
Everybody looks like
Frank Sinatra, Jr.
50
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:51,610
Well, then
who's that guy
51
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,378
who looks like a
young Frank Sinatra?
52
00:01:53,380 --> 00:01:55,246
Oh, that's Woody Allen's son,
but you're right,
53
00:01:55,248 --> 00:01:57,582
that other guy behind him
is Frank Sinatra, Jr.
54
00:01:57,584 --> 00:01:59,217
Stewie! Elliot!
55
00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:00,819
(chuckles):
It-it's actually Brian.
56
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,721
We've-we've met
many times before.
57
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:03,955
Then who's Elliot?
58
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,624
I-I really wouldn't know.
59
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,792
This is a bad start
to whatever we're doing.
60
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:10,161
Well, now, what brings you
fellas to the festival?
61
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,330
My dad will drive
long distances for ice
62
00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:13,665
with colored
liquid in it.
63
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,799
PETER:
They got blue!
64
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:16,601
And we all love
the Italian food.
65
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:18,470
Oh, you like
Italian food?
66
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:19,838
Want a meatball?
67
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:21,973
Yeah, I'm gonna pass on that,
but it's a shame
68
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,643
we can't get good Italian food
like this in Quahog.
69
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,911
Well, maybe the three
of us ought to open
70
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:28,613
an Italian
restaurant there.
71
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:30,415
Open our own
Italian restaurant?
72
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,450
I say, that sounds fun.
73
00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:35,453
You, uh, you keep meatballs
in your jacket?
74
00:02:35,455 --> 00:02:38,156
Oh, yeah, all my pockets are
lined with Reynolds Wrap.
75
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:39,791
I learned that from
my old buddies:
76
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:42,127
Dean Martin, Jr.,
Joey Bishop, Jr.,
77
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,062
and Sammy Davis
the Third.
78
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:46,631
Hey, where's Chris?
79
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:48,500
He's over there
playing that carnival game.
80
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,001
(Italian accent):
Step right up!
81
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,704
Everybody take a chance
on Whack-a-Big-a-Pussy!
82
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:56,007
(repeating rapidly):
Hey, Ton'!
83
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:58,343
This is not
what I thought it was!
84
00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,712
(yells)
85
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,547
Oh, my God, Chris
is out of control!
86
00:03:02,549 --> 00:03:04,115
I know!
87
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,785
It must be all the violence
in movies and sex on TV.
88
00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:07,952
Oh.
89
00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:09,521
See, I listen.
(chuckles)
90
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,628
Peter, we need to talk
about what happened
91
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:17,696
at the street fair.
92
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,397
Lois, it's an
Italian festival.
93
00:03:19,399 --> 00:03:20,865
You're supposed to yell
"Bella, Bella"
94
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,901
and grab as much fat ass
as you can.
95
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:24,803
No, I'm talking
about Chris.
96
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,706
I had no idea he had so
much pent-up aggression.
97
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,542
We have to deal with his anger
issues before he hurts himself.
98
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,710
Ah, that's good thinking, Lois.
99
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,178
I've seen what happens
100
00:03:33,180 --> 00:03:35,180
when people hold in
their aggression for too long.
101
00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:37,582
Don't forget, I was
in that elevator with Jay-Z.
102
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:40,685
Hey, could you have
your guy hit "two"?
103
00:03:40,687 --> 00:03:42,320
I got to get down
to the business center
104
00:03:42,322 --> 00:03:43,722
to print out my boarding pass.
105
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,824
Oh! Hey!
That's gonna leave a mark!
106
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,592
(chuckles)
That's from a movie.
107
00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:50,195
So, you girls traveling
with your dad here?
108
00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:51,663
Hey, don't kick him,
Muddy Shoes.
109
00:03:51,665 --> 00:03:53,498
He's got a white suit on.
110
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,767
Hey, look, I don't know if you
guys are really staying here,
111
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:58,570
but you can't get into the pool
without a room key.
112
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,442
Okay, Chris, your mom
and I want to help you
113
00:04:04,444 --> 00:04:06,911
get out some of that aggression,
so I thought you and me
114
00:04:06,913 --> 00:04:08,947
could huck rotten
apples at passing cars.
115
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,952
Oh, I didn't know we had
brown apple in the forecast.
116
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,854
Welp, we needed it.
117
00:04:18,391 --> 00:04:20,792
Wow, can I have a turn?
118
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,129
(tires screeching)
119
00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:30,368
Hey, which one of you
threw that apple at my car?
120
00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:32,103
He did it.
He dragged me out here.
121
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,638
I wanted to be
in school, sir.
122
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,707
Where'd you get
a cannon like that, kid?
123
00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,709
I work out my right arm
three times a day.
124
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:39,110
Mm, free weights?
125
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,946
No, mostly JPEGs of
Helen Hunt on my hard drive.
126
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:43,815
Well, I'm Coach Doyle, and
I head up the baseball team
127
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,150
at James Woods High.
128
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:47,552
What fake class
do they also make you teach?
129
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:49,587
Driver's ed, right?
No, wood shop.
130
00:04:49,589 --> 00:04:51,122
Ah, that was
my second guess.
131
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,791
Tell me, son, how would
you like to pitch
132
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:54,292
for the high
school team?
133
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,628
Baseball's the sport
people play while eating, right?
134
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:59,130
Oh, yeah, sometimes I even
watch a whole Blacklist.
135
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,332
I don't know, I've never
played baseball before.
136
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:03,134
Oh, come on, Chris,
you got to do it.
137
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,803
If you don't,
you'll regret it.
138
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:08,106
Just like Jesus' friend, Evan,
who bailed on the Last Supper.
139
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:10,341
Aw, they did a painting?
140
00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:13,211
I would've gone if I knew
they were gonna do a painting.
141
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,817
Here we are, fellas.
142
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:22,120
The future site of Quahog's
newest Italian restaurant.
143
00:05:22,122 --> 00:05:23,988
Wow, this is a great location.
144
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,156
Can we afford this?
145
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,491
Sure we can.
146
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,159
I set up one of
those Kickstarters.
147
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,861
Then I realized
how stupid that is,
148
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:32,463
and I went to the bank
for a loan like an adult.
149
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:34,966
Now, fellas, the tables should
all be bolted to the floor
150
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:36,501
to prevent theft.
151
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:38,303
You know, most restaurants
go out of business
152
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,505
because people are
stealing the tables.
153
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:43,041
The toilets should also
be bolted to the floor.
154
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,176
I think that's pretty standard,
Frank, but okay.
155
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,212
Great. Now let's go find
some chump's restaurant
156
00:05:47,214 --> 00:05:49,547
and steal his
tables and toilets.
157
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:55,587
(cheering)
158
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,859
James Woods is winning for now,
but y'all never know
159
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:03,127
what might happen
in the moments to come.
160
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:05,296
I mean, look,
there's two baseball guys
161
00:06:05,298 --> 00:06:06,998
out on the bases right now.
162
00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,567
What if they's run
to the scoring place?
163
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,340
BRUCE (over P.A.):
Oh, here comes a new boy.
164
00:06:15,342 --> 00:06:16,908
All right, Chris!
165
00:06:16,910 --> 00:06:19,210
Wow, I've never seen him
run onto a baseball field
166
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:22,146
when he wasn't chasing a duck
or being chased by a duck.
167
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,314
That a duck over there?
168
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:24,515
Ah, come on!
169
00:06:24,517 --> 00:06:26,050
What the hell's
Coach Doyle thinking
170
00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:27,218
bringing in that fat slob?!
171
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,020
You know what?
172
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:32,824
I bet you a hundred bucks that
"fat slob" strikes this kid out.
173
00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,726
Ha, you're on.
174
00:06:37,664 --> 00:06:38,897
Strike one!
175
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,932
(crowd murmuring)
176
00:06:42,602 --> 00:06:43,668
Strike two!
177
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:44,936
BRUCE (over P.A.):
Ooh!
178
00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:47,572
(exhales)
179
00:06:53,079 --> 00:06:54,412
Strike three!
180
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,414
(cheering)
181
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,750
BRUCE (over P.A.):
Three strikes and he's out,
182
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,452
just like my cousin Freddie
with the drugs.
183
00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:04,923
Holy crap,
a hundred bucks!
184
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,324
Hey, nice going, Chris!
185
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:10,461
Wow, look how proud my dad is.
186
00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,196
Oh, my God, a duck!
187
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:14,899
It was a trap!
188
00:07:14,901 --> 00:07:16,634
(loud quacking)
189
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,977
Guys, tonight
the drinks are on me.
190
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,780
I just won a hundred bucks
off Chris's baseball game.
191
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:30,448
Really?
How'd you do that?
192
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,117
This dad took one look at Chris
and thought he'd suck,
193
00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:35,286
but it turns out
Chris is a great pitcher.
194
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,056
I'm so proud of the money
I won betting on him.
195
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,425
You know, I bet there are
plenty of other baseball dads
196
00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,759
who'd also assume
Chris stinks.
197
00:07:41,761 --> 00:07:43,461
Peter, we could make
a lot of money.
198
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:46,297
Yeah, we could make
Toni Braxton money.
199
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,099
Is that...
is that a lot?
200
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,268
It's a lot,
and then nothing.
201
00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:54,339
And then a record whose proceeds
go directly to creditors.
202
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:57,008
("Centerfield"
by John Fogerty playing)
203
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,948
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
204
00:08:03,950 --> 00:08:06,517
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
205
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:07,952
♪ Today ♪
206
00:08:07,954 --> 00:08:10,588
♪ Put me in, Coach ♪
207
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:13,324
♪ I'm ready to play ♪
208
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:14,692
♪ Today ♪
209
00:08:14,694 --> 00:08:16,828
♪ Look at me ♪
210
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:18,162
♪ I can be ♪
211
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:19,564
♪ Centerfield ♪
212
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:25,336
♪ Well, I spent some time
in the Mudville Nine ♪
213
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:28,006
♪ Watching it from the bench ♪
214
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,941
♪ You know I took some lumps ♪
215
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,443
♪ When the Mighty Casey
struck out ♪
216
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,181
♪ So Say Hey Willie ♪
217
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,683
♪ Tell the Cobb ♪
218
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,519
♪ And Joe DiMaggio ♪
219
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,554
♪ Don't say it ain't so ♪
220
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:47,025
♪ You know the time is now. ♪
221
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:55,366
Frank, where the hell
is everybody?
222
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,235
This was supposed to be
our big opening night.
223
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,003
I'll tell you
what the problem is.
224
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,706
Every successful restaurant
has a hook or a gimmick.
225
00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,207
That's what we're lacking.
226
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:05,043
(gasps) No, we're not.
227
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,145
Frank, you're the hook!
That's right.
228
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:09,380
We just need to make you
the face of the restaurant.
229
00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:11,749
It may be the five loaves
of garlic bread
230
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:15,219
I ate this morning talking,
but I think that's a swell idea.
231
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:18,289
(tune of "I Wish I Were
in Love Again" playing)
232
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,062
♪ You'll love the meal ♪
233
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:25,863
♪ The fancy feel ♪
234
00:09:25,865 --> 00:09:28,933
♪ The showbiz stories
while you eat your veal ♪
235
00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:32,103
♪ It's family dining
with a mobster feel ♪
236
00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:34,705
♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪
237
00:09:34,707 --> 00:09:35,706
Junior!
238
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:37,341
♪ The wine is red ♪
239
00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:39,043
♪ With lots of bread ♪
240
00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:42,547
(as Marlon Brando): And portions
bigger than a horse's head.
241
00:09:42,549 --> 00:09:45,783
♪ You'll burp up sausages
tonight in bed ♪
242
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:49,554
♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪
243
00:09:49,556 --> 00:09:51,322
♪ Here's a toast ♪
244
00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,992
♪ To our host ♪
245
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:59,564
♪ The food's not great, but ♪
246
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:02,300
♪ Drink enough
and you won't know ♪
247
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:05,703
♪ The guests will swoon
and Frank will croon ♪
248
00:10:05,705 --> 00:10:08,739
♪ A "beep-bop-dooby-dop"
Italian tune ♪
249
00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:10,775
♪ You dine like royalty ♪
250
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:14,378
♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪
251
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:20,952
♪ We got big plans
to please our fans ♪
252
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:24,422
♪ Our cocktail waitress
has enormous cans ♪
253
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,991
♪ A men's room servant
who will dry your hands ♪
254
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:30,461
♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪
255
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:34,132
♪ Our pizza pies
could win a prize ♪
256
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,168
♪ The jukebox catalog
is double size ♪
257
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:39,637
♪ It plays both Capitol
and, yes, Reprise ♪
258
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,139
That's "Repreeze."
259
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,641
♪ At Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪
260
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,811
♪ Gorgeous views ♪
261
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:50,681
♪ And top-shelf booze ♪
262
00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:53,317
♪ Yes, we serve Jews ♪
263
00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:57,021
♪ Um, that was
never an issue ♪
264
00:10:57,023 --> 00:10:58,856
♪ So, raise your glass ♪
265
00:10:58,858 --> 00:11:00,658
♪ You'll have a gas ♪
266
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:03,661
♪ But seating's limited,
so move your ass ♪
267
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,496
♪ And plant it firmly ♪
268
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:10,334
♪ Here at Frank Sinatra's
restaurant ♪
269
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,337
♪ Frank's restaurant ♪
270
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:19,710
♪ Frank's res... taurant. ♪
271
00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,112
(music ends)
272
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,121
(chuckles)
Wow!
273
00:11:30,123 --> 00:11:31,689
Look at this, guys.
274
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,659
I can't believe we made
all this in one game.
275
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:36,327
Yeah, I'm having a great time
276
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:38,062
handling this money
and then touching my eyeball.
277
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:41,199
Jerome, another round
for my blurry friends.
278
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,733
Yeah, we got a
good thing going.
279
00:11:42,735 --> 00:11:44,802
We just have to keep
Chris's talent a secret.
280
00:11:44,804 --> 00:11:46,704
TOM TUCKER (over TV):
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
281
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,240
Our top story tonight: the
James Woods High baseball team
282
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,342
is headed
to the district championship,
283
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:54,845
thanks to their secret weapon,
star pitcher Chris Griffin.
284
00:11:54,847 --> 00:11:57,415
Ah, crap, now everyone knows
Chris is a ringer!
285
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,550
Tom Tucker just
ruined everything.
286
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,453
This sucks even worse
than when I stubbed my toe.
287
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:05,189
Aah!
288
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:08,259
Why does everything bad
always happen to me?!
289
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:11,929
Answer me, guy in box
and guy on cross!
290
00:12:11,931 --> 00:12:13,998
(lounge music playing)
291
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:17,001
(indistinct chatter)
292
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,404
Stewie,
can I talk to you?
293
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:22,607
Look, Brian, I affectionately
pat all the waiters on the ass.
294
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,508
And if anyone has
a problem with it,
295
00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:25,876
they should come
to me directly!
296
00:12:25,878 --> 00:12:27,111
No, no, it's not that.
297
00:12:27,113 --> 00:12:28,412
I-I've been going
through our receipts,
298
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,081
and we're actually
losing money.
299
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,616
Well, yeah, duh.
300
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,084
Frank comps every meal.
301
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,552
Look, he's
doing it again.
302
00:12:34,554 --> 00:12:36,520
Little-known secret
about Charlton Heston.
303
00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:38,289
Never used toilet paper.
304
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,924
Just drop and go.
305
00:12:39,926 --> 00:12:42,460
Uh, here, let me get
that check for you.
306
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:47,698
(sighs)
307
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,100
Well, it's official.
308
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,235
Nobody wants to bet
against Chris now.
309
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:52,570
Damn it! I can't
believe my kid
310
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:53,971
isn't making money
for us anymore.
311
00:12:53,973 --> 00:12:56,440
I feel like Jessica
Simpson's dad.
312
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,442
Well, there are plenty
of guys willing to bet
313
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,911
on James Woods High to win,
I'll tell you that.
314
00:13:00,913 --> 00:13:04,115
The only way we could ever make
money now is if Chris lost.
315
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,783
Wait a minute, Joe,
that's it!
316
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,918
All we got to do
is take those bets
317
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:09,654
and get Chris to take a dive!
318
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,055
Wait, hold on, Peter.
319
00:13:11,057 --> 00:13:13,491
You're gonna ask your own son
to lose on purpose?
320
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:14,792
Damn, Quagmire!
321
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:17,528
Your fridge gives you
water from the door?
322
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,333
Hey, champ,
what you doing?
323
00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:24,135
My Spanish homework.
324
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,871
Oh, well, then maybe I'll just
say this to you in Spanish.
325
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:57,301
Chris, what the hell
are you doing?!
326
00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:59,503
Calm down. This is how
they package Snapple now.
327
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,172
They're trying to trick kids
into drinking it.
328
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,973
You may not
believe this,
329
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,109
but there was a time when
Snapple ruled the nation.
330
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:06,510
Preposterous!
331
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,813
It's true. Even Jerry
Seinfeld drank it.
332
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,881
And he was the
president of the '90s.
333
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:13,184
But why are
you so down?
334
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,687
Dad told me I have to lose the
championship game on purpose.
335
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:17,722
He what?!
336
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:20,124
Peter, get in here right now!
337
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:22,626
Wow, someone's
day-horny!
338
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:23,794
Oh, hey, Chris.
339
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,229
Did you tell Chris
he had to lose
340
00:14:25,231 --> 00:14:26,731
the district championship?!
341
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:29,033
Let me just get a
garbage bag. Hold on.
342
00:14:32,338 --> 00:14:34,305
Okay, now that I'm decent.
343
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,707
Yes, I did tell Chris
to throw the game.
344
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,376
But it's okay;
it's for gambling.
345
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:41,212
What?! You're betting on
Chris's baseball team?!
346
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,547
Technically against
Chris's baseball team.
347
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:44,815
Are you crazy?!
348
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:46,317
Do I look crazy?!
349
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,185
What do you think
puts the food on our table
350
00:14:48,187 --> 00:14:49,653
and the garbage bags
on our backs?!
351
00:14:49,655 --> 00:14:51,255
Chris, your father's
a jackass.
352
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,723
When you get
on that field,
353
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,892
you try your very
best and play to win.
354
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,527
You understand me?
355
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,662
Yeah. Thanks, Mom.
356
00:14:58,664 --> 00:15:00,264
But, Lois,
if Chris wins that game,
357
00:15:00,266 --> 00:15:03,067
I'll be out a ton of money,
and I'll have to kiss a fella!
358
00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:05,302
I take all kinds of bets.
359
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,708
Hey, Frank, we have to talk.
360
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:13,244
You've got to stop giving away
all the food for free.
361
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:15,346
Yeah, otherwise there's no way
we're gonna make a profit.
362
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,381
Oh, we don't have to
worry about money.
363
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:19,917
I might be doing a Duets
thing with that Lady Goo-Ga.
364
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,285
Uh-huh, that's wrong.
365
00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:22,686
Anyway, the restaurant's
gonna go under
366
00:15:22,688 --> 00:15:24,088
if you keep
giving away food.
367
00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,523
All right,
all right.
368
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:26,791
Thank you, Frank.
369
00:15:26,793 --> 00:15:28,926
I appreciate you
trying it my way.
370
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:31,295
Thank you.
371
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:32,363
What was that?
372
00:15:32,365 --> 00:15:33,798
Oh, I get 40 bucks
373
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:36,267
every time somebody
says "my way."
374
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,335
Nancy gets 60.
375
00:15:42,141 --> 00:15:43,808
What do you mean Chris
won't take a dive?!
376
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:45,443
We already took
a ton of bets!
377
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:46,777
Look, I'm sorry,
you guys,
378
00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:49,046
but my hot piece-of-ass wife
says no way.
379
00:15:49,048 --> 00:15:51,615
It's a weird time to brag
about your wife, Peter.
380
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,451
I don't know,
I've just been so horny today.
381
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,952
Oh, man, I don't
need to know that!
382
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,387
Well, pull it together, Peter,
383
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,122
'cause we're about
to lose a lot of money!
384
00:15:58,124 --> 00:15:59,757
(sighs) I know.
385
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,459
We're screwed
once Chris takes the mound
386
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,294
with that awesome arm of his.
387
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:06,130
Wait, so what you're saying
is Chris isn't the problem,
388
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:07,465
his arm is.
389
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:08,732
I guess.
390
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,601
Okay.
391
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,303
We hear you, Peter.
392
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,438
Loud and clear.
393
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,907
Yeah, we'll fix
this problem.
394
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,509
You guys are
creeping me out.
395
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,444
All right, I'm gonna exit
while discreetly
396
00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:22,513
checking out the hot chick
by the door.
397
00:16:29,355 --> 00:16:30,988
You guys heard
what I heard, right?
398
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,324
Peter just asked us
to break Chris's arm.
399
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,492
Well, he intimated.
400
00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:36,093
I don't know
what that means,
401
00:16:36,095 --> 00:16:38,462
but let's go rough up
a teenager for beer money!
402
00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:40,598
Oh, I call biting!
403
00:16:46,472 --> 00:16:49,206
Okay, there's the baseball
team's locker room right there.
404
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,509
Perfect! And we look like
regular high school students,
405
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,577
so we'll fit right in.
406
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,681
Joe, are you sure
about these clothes?
407
00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,885
Trust me. I bought the absolute
latest issue of Archie comics,
408
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,721
and this is what
the kids are wearing.
409
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,690
Oh, hey, fellow teens.
410
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:09,527
Wait a minute, teenagers
don't have wheelchairs!
411
00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:12,563
(sobbing):
No! Oh, no!
412
00:17:15,535 --> 00:17:17,735
(indistinct chatter)
413
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:20,371
Okay, guys, we've served
our last free meal.
414
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,740
Here I go with
the check.
415
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:24,975
Oh, I'm sorry.
416
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:26,310
Last time we ate here,
417
00:17:26,312 --> 00:17:28,679
Mr. Sinatra's son
said it was free.
418
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:30,381
Okay, uh, everyone, new policy!
419
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,383
As is the case
with many restaurants,
420
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,752
you're going to have
to pay for your food.
421
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:37,421
What? This food
ain't worth paying for.
422
00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:40,457
Yeah, the only reason
we eat here is 'cause it's free.
423
00:17:41,827 --> 00:17:44,028
Look whose restaurant
thinks it's so good!
424
00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:46,897
Oh, yeah? If it was Joey's
restaurant, you would've paid.
425
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,332
(crying)
426
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:50,100
Ma!
427
00:17:50,102 --> 00:17:51,502
I'm sorry, Ma!
428
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:53,904
Ma!
429
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,372
I can't believe it.
430
00:17:55,374 --> 00:17:56,674
They hated us.
431
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,576
Well, fellas,
we gave it our best shot.
432
00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,911
If you need me,
I'll be back in Palm Springs,
433
00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:04,748
which has been completely
taken over by the gays.
434
00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:06,850
So, want to grab
whatever wine is left
435
00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:08,252
and then burn
the place down?
436
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:10,254
Maybe, but first,
let's have an unearned
437
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,389
end-of-the-series moment
where we turn out the lights
438
00:18:12,391 --> 00:18:13,958
on our own place.
439
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,762
Sorry, pal, we're closed.
440
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:23,367
(piano playing somber music)
441
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,953
(crowd cheering)
442
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,289
Peter, we've got great news!
443
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,490
Chris isn't playing!
444
00:18:46,492 --> 00:18:47,958
He's not? Why?
445
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,327
Well, 'cause we broke his arm
like you told us to.
446
00:18:50,329 --> 00:18:51,996
Shattered.
We shattered his arm.
447
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,131
You what?!
I never told you to do that!
448
00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:56,166
You didn't?
That's what I thought I heard.
449
00:18:56,168 --> 00:18:59,169
Quagmire, this is humbling,
but it may be time
450
00:18:59,171 --> 00:19:01,672
for all of us to talk
about hearing aids.
451
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:04,208
I feel terrible!
I got to go find my son!
452
00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:08,412
Chris!
453
00:19:08,414 --> 00:19:11,482
Dad, my arm's broke!
And look, a Camaro!
454
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,651
Oh, that guy
must be so boss.
455
00:19:13,653 --> 00:19:16,487
But listen, Chris, I had no
idea this was gonna happen.
456
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,455
Look, I was wrong to
bet on your games,
457
00:19:18,457 --> 00:19:20,824
and it's even worse
that I told you to lose.
458
00:19:20,826 --> 00:19:22,092
I'm so sorry.
459
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,460
Oh, that's okay, Dad.
460
00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:25,496
I just feel bad
that my arm is broken
461
00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,365
in so many places
and hurts so much.
462
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:30,668
No, Chris, I've been
a terrible dad lately.
463
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,836
You found something
you were great at,
464
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,672
and instead
of being happy for you,
465
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,774
I tried to use it to make money.
466
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:40,210
And now your arm is broken and
your baseball career is over.
467
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:41,679
Not necessarily.
468
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,180
What? What are you
talking about?
469
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:45,382
Well, for the last few weeks,
since my right arm's
470
00:19:45,384 --> 00:19:49,353
been exhausted from pitching,
my left arm's had to, uh,
471
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:52,990
pick up the slack
in the bathroom.
472
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:55,059
(triumphant music playing)
473
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:02,099
(crowd cheering)
474
00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,637
You see the pitcher?
475
00:20:06,639 --> 00:20:08,772
That's my kid.
476
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:13,711
Aah! Son of a bitch!
477
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,145
CHRIS:
Oh, my God!
478
00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,814
Sorry, Mr. Quagmire!
479
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,582
I heard that
bone break.
480
00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:20,818
My ears are fine.
481
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,857
Well, Chris,
we're very proud of you
482
00:20:26,859 --> 00:20:28,759
for making it
to the district championship.
483
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,227
Thanks, Mom.
484
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,895
It was really something, Lois.
485
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,231
The next pitch Chris threw
hit his coach in the head,
486
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:36,734
so there was no one
to take him out of the game.
487
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,669
Chris walked
the next 46 batters.
488
00:20:38,671 --> 00:20:39,903
State record.
489
00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:42,072
Wow, Chris!
State record!
490
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:43,373
Yeah, they got crushed.
491
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:45,342
But at least
I didn't have to pay out
492
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:47,010
all those bets
and kiss a guy.
493
00:20:47,012 --> 00:20:49,379
But I saw you kissing
the driver of that Camaro.
494
00:20:49,381 --> 00:20:52,950
That... that-that was
something else.
495
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:54,351
(weakly):
Baseball!
496
00:21:30,322 --> 00:21:32,356
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH