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00:00:01,220 --> 00:00:04,336
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,488 --> 00:00:07,564
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,583 --> 00:00:11,235
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,328 --> 00:00:14,238
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:17,591
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:21,169
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,670
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:22,765 --> 00:00:24,081
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,099 --> 00:00:29,611
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:35,444 --> 00:00:37,852
All right,
time for 8:15 drop-off.
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Now Mommy's on a quick
break till 3:30.
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00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,949
Toughest job in the world.
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Oh, look, Kylie's mom
is out of rehab.
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Good morning, little guy.
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Hey, Janet, good to see you.
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00:00:50,459 --> 00:00:53,293
Hey, listen, thank you so much
for your apology email.
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00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,203
An individual one
would have been nice,
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00:00:55,297 --> 00:00:57,723
but one to the whole class
was fine, too.
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Have a good day, Stewie.
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00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:05,105
Oh, my God, please be
a dog. Please be a dog.
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Ow. Ow...
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00:01:09,295 --> 00:01:11,052
Oh, my God, it's a kid!
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It's Doug!
Nice hit, bitch.
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00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,057
Oh, and Elsa underwear.
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This day just keeps
getting better!
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00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,470
Well, thank you all for coming.
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Can I get anyone
something to drink?
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I'm fine, but Doug's mother
would probably like
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three martinis, and then to have
unprotected sex
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with her boss at work.
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And Doug's father would love
a glass of warm tap water
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00:01:35,910 --> 00:01:37,670
and to never make more
than $30,000 a year
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for the rest of his life.
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And here we go.
35
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Okay, well, I am just so sorry
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00:01:44,770 --> 00:01:46,510
about what happened with Doug.
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I just didn't see
the little guy.
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Well, maybe you ought
to get your eyes examined.
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I appreciate that it was
an accident, Mrs. Griffin.
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But nonetheless,
we've retained a lawyer.
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00:01:56,430 --> 00:01:58,520
Well, there must be some way
short of a lawsuit
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we can make this up to you.
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00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:02,010
Well, this is my weekend
with Doug,
44
00:02:02,030 --> 00:02:03,930
but I've got tickets
to see Lana Del Rey
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with our former nanny Jessica.
46
00:02:07,510 --> 00:02:10,530
She's 24.
So as a form of settlement,
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00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:13,180
maybe this weekend you can
put together a tree house
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00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,520
I don't want to deal with.
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00:02:14,690 --> 00:02:17,300
Fine. If that's what
I have to do to make this right,
50
00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,470
then Peter and my children will
build your son's tree house.
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00:02:20,620 --> 00:02:21,470
Deal.
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00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,640
All right, I guess now
the four men
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awkwardly sit here while
my mom gives your mom
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a tour of the house
that doesn't deserve one.
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And this is
a room adjacent to the room
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we were just in.
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00:02:34,390 --> 00:02:36,690
Ooh, what a fun house.
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00:02:39,730 --> 00:02:42,230
Okay, Mrs. Griffin,
tell me what you see.
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00:02:42,380 --> 00:02:45,310
Um, I see a cow in a lab coat,
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00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,160
some vultures
in a cowboy hat,
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00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:50,910
and a dog trying to trick a cat
into a clothes dryer.
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00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,730
Just as I thought.
You're Far-Sided.
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00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,840
Oh, no.
What-what do I do about it?
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00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:57,750
Oh, well, I'm no doctor,
but I would say
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you either need to get glasses
or maybe LASIK.
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00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:01,680
Is that the surgery people get
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00:03:01,830 --> 00:03:03,010
and then tell everybody
they got it?
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00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,660
Yes, it's the veganism
of elective surgery.
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00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,000
If you're unsure
of what to do,
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00:03:07,090 --> 00:03:09,000
here's a video of Radiohead
front man
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00:03:09,090 --> 00:03:12,000
and super weirdo Thom Yorke
to help you decide.
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00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,910
Hello, I'm Thom Yorke.
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00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:16,100
You might know me
from Radiohead
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00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:19,860
or my passing resemblance
to a melting Tilda Swinton.
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Not many people know
that I'm blind in one eye.
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00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:24,700
Can you guess which one?
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00:03:24,850 --> 00:03:26,610
-This is awful.
-Wait, just give it
a few minutes.
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00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,370
All his stuff starts
kind of slow.
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00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,260
Fine, I'll get the LASIK.
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00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,780
Great. Make an appointment
with my nurse.
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00:03:31,930 --> 00:03:34,210
Now here's a lollipop
from the Sackler family
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that says, "Sowwy."
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In the future, we won't
even need our eyes.
84
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Computers will see for us.
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00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:45,220
Oh, now you're a doctor?
I guess I'm a singer now.
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00:03:45,450 --> 00:03:47,540
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la. ♪
I'm Casey Kasem.
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00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:50,370
That was Elmer Hartman
peaking at number 32 with
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"I Hate Computers ."
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00:03:58,730 --> 00:04:00,730
Mrs. Griffin,
the surgery was a success.
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00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:02,960
And by that,
I mean the hospital agreed
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00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:04,130
to take your Discover card.
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00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:06,130
Plus, we'll get one percent
of that back,
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00:04:06,220 --> 00:04:08,160
which is basically
like getting nothing.
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00:04:16,420 --> 00:04:21,400
Oh, my God... I'm blind.
95
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,420
What do you mean you're blind?
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00:04:23,650 --> 00:04:25,760
-Y-You can't see me right now?
-No!
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00:04:25,910 --> 00:04:29,500
But you can still see, like,
the stove and laundry, right?
98
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,320
But, Mom, we got you a balloo...
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00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,600
Shh, shh, shh.
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00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:34,510
She doesn't know
about the balloon.
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00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,090
Don't worry, Lois, we'll be
right by your side
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00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:40,020
the whole time, and not outside
playing with a balloon.
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00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,010
I love you, balloon.
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00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,620
Oh-oh, oh, no, no!
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00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,430
I'm coming, balloon!
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00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,870
Don't tell your mother
about this.
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00:05:03,110 --> 00:05:05,800
Don't worry, Lois,
I went blind a while back.
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00:05:05,950 --> 00:05:07,690
It was cool.
They're some of the last people
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00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:09,040
you can still make fun of.
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00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,140
-Dad!
-It's fine, they won't see this.
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00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,640
Dr. Hartman, you said
there was very little risk
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00:05:13,790 --> 00:05:15,640
to LASIK, but now
I am blind.
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00:05:15,790 --> 00:05:16,720
How did this happen?
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00:05:16,870 --> 00:05:18,290
Okay, look,
this isn't my fault.
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00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:20,200
It was Take-Your-Cat-
To-Work day.
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00:05:26,490 --> 00:05:30,400
Dr. Hartman, what does this
mean, you know, for me?
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00:05:30,490 --> 00:05:32,050
Well, whatever your wife
did for you,
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00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:33,720
you'll now have to do
for yourselves.
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00:05:33,740 --> 00:05:35,600
And until she gets used
to her new life,
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00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,390
you'll need to take care of her.
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00:05:37,410 --> 00:05:39,070
Feed her, bathe her,
drive her places.
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00:05:39,230 --> 00:05:42,210
-They're gone, aren't they?
-They left, yes.
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00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,680
There they are.
I thought we said 10:00 sharp,
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00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,830
but we must have said 10:18.
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00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,160
No one's fault,
but going forward,
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00:05:53,180 --> 00:05:56,330
let's make sure we respect
each other's time, hmm?
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00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:58,590
-You must be Chris.
-I must?
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00:05:58,690 --> 00:06:01,020
You know, we have
a friend in common:
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00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:02,410
Mr. Herbert.
130
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:03,690
How do you know Mr. Herbert?
131
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,360
We're friends. Sometimes
he comes to my art shows,
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00:06:06,590 --> 00:06:07,600
and we get ice cream after.
133
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,700
Let me guess,
he takes you to the park
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00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,940
where the swings go really high?
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00:06:12,090 --> 00:06:13,760
-He does.
-Uh-huh.
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00:06:13,780 --> 00:06:15,930
That'll stop.
And the ice cream?
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00:06:15,950 --> 00:06:17,190
Don't get used to it.
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00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,520
I've seen a thousand of you.
I've outlasted them.
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00:06:20,620 --> 00:06:22,020
I'll outlast you.
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00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,380
Okay, uh, my dad left
a note for you, Mr. Griffin.
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00:06:25,530 --> 00:06:28,610
"Griffins, build this tree house
for my son.
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00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:30,960
"He will love it for a year,
until my housekeeper
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00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:33,550
"moves into it, even though
it doesn't have electricity
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00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:34,870
"or running water.
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00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,540
She walked here from Guatemala.
She'll be fine."
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00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,210
Let's get started, boys.
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00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,880
Aw, man, this is gonna
be more work
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00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:44,380
than when I built that Habitat
for Sean Hannity.
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00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:46,550
As you can see, we've
made everything white,
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00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:47,640
like you requested.
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00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:48,570
Here's a room to recover
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00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:49,570
from your sodium headaches,
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00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:50,800
and on the walls, I painted
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00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:52,220
some of your most famous quotes.
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00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,460
There's the one where
you compared
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00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,230
the homosexual lifestyle
to playing in the sewer,
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00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:57,970
and there's the one where
you defended Roy Moore.
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00:06:58,060 --> 00:06:59,670
-Nice.
-Uh-huh.
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00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:02,080
And here's a room where you can
blame things on an immigrant.
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00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:05,880
Hey, nothing personal,
I just peddle hate for money.
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00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:10,760
We now return to Blindflix,
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00:07:10,910 --> 00:07:12,910
the streaming service
for blind people.
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00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,740
I can't believe it's
the year 2034,
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00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,840
Earth is uninhabitable,
and we're hurtling through space
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to find a place for humanity
to start again.
166
00:07:21,330 --> 00:07:25,090
Thankfully, we are Chris Evans
and Vanessa Hudgens,
167
00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:27,680
and have sexy bodies that will
make beautiful
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00:07:27,830 --> 00:07:29,670
racially nuanced babies.
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00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,500
I love you, Chris Evans.
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00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,950
I love you, too,
Vanessa Hudgens.
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00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,010
Kiss me.
172
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,490
Ah, this show is so sexy.
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00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,030
How you doing, Mom?
174
00:07:46,190 --> 00:07:47,350
Do you need to go poopies?
175
00:07:47,370 --> 00:07:49,690
Meg, please stop
asking me that.
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00:07:49,780 --> 00:07:52,970
I'm sorry, I just--
I hate being so dependent
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00:07:53,190 --> 00:07:54,470
on other people.
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00:07:54,690 --> 00:07:56,470
I feel helpless and worthless.
179
00:07:56,700 --> 00:08:00,620
I get it. I feel helpless
and worthless 24-sevs.
180
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:01,960
How do you deal with it?
181
00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:04,720
Cutting, minor arson,
and sometimes I post
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00:08:04,870 --> 00:08:06,630
empowerment videos on YouTube.
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00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,370
Empowerment videos?
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00:08:08,390 --> 00:08:10,470
I thought YouTube went
out of business.
185
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,970
Uh, what am I thinking of?
186
00:08:12,060 --> 00:08:13,880
-Circuit City.
-Yes.
187
00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:15,230
Here. The camera's on.
188
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,400
Just getting your feelings out
will make you feel better.
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00:08:18,550 --> 00:08:22,160
Oh, okay.
Um, hello.
190
00:08:22,390 --> 00:08:24,150
Uh, my name is Lois Griffin,
191
00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:28,080
and I... am blind.
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00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:31,400
Uh, I went to the hospital
for a simple surgery
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00:08:31,490 --> 00:08:33,410
and woke up in the ICU.
194
00:08:33,570 --> 00:08:36,580
But the irony was
I couldn't see you.
195
00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:39,250
I couldn't see anyone
or anything.
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00:08:39,410 --> 00:08:40,910
Even the people closest to me
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00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,560
who need to be seen
the most.
198
00:08:45,910 --> 00:08:49,190
So now I suppose
if I want to see again,
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00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:51,340
I'll have to listen more
200
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,340
and-and feel more
and focus on
201
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,510
what's on the inside and not
what I can see on the outside.
202
00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:05,600
Okay, that's all for now.
203
00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:08,120
Mom, that was incredible.
204
00:09:08,270 --> 00:09:09,450
You really spoke to me.
205
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,940
Who-Who's that?
Is that Lois?
206
00:09:12,030 --> 00:09:14,110
Peter, I'm the one who's blind.
207
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,590
Sorry, I-I'm still getting
used to things.
208
00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,460
I can't believe
Doug's dad texted me
209
00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:24,450
and said we had to come
to Doug's T-ball game
210
00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:25,470
or he was gonna sue us.
211
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,060
Looks like they got
Big League Chew.
212
00:09:27,210 --> 00:09:29,970
Yeah, I saw that. I saw that
they got Big League Chew.
213
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,900
Ah, the baseball field.
Good memories.
214
00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:35,740
Lost my v-card here
with Jennifer Jason Leigh
215
00:09:35,890 --> 00:09:37,140
in that dugout right over there.
216
00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,390
That was Fast Times.
217
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,700
Yeah, fast for her, maybe.
I took a while.
218
00:09:46,470 --> 00:09:48,970
Excuse me. What happened
to your big trip
219
00:09:48,990 --> 00:09:50,230
to Providence?
220
00:09:50,330 --> 00:09:52,570
Good morning, sports fans.
221
00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:55,330
You ready to witness
the epitome of excellence?
222
00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:56,800
Check this out.
223
00:09:58,330 --> 00:10:00,890
Oh. Ball one.
224
00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:08,600
Look, spaz,
hold the bat like this,
225
00:10:08,830 --> 00:10:11,190
and then step into it
as you swing forward.
226
00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:17,280
I did it.
Thanks, Mr. Griffin.
227
00:10:17,430 --> 00:10:19,760
-I'm leaving.
-Come on, Chris.
228
00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:23,170
Don't be mad.
My plans changed.
229
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:24,360
Oh, hey, Doug.
230
00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:26,200
Are you kidding me?!
231
00:10:30,370 --> 00:10:32,440
Mom, you won't believe
what happened.
232
00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:34,290
Your video went viral.
233
00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:37,110
Oh, does that mean
Circuit City's back?
234
00:10:37,130 --> 00:10:41,190
No, it means your ICU video
really connected with people.
235
00:10:41,210 --> 00:10:44,040
You're helping people
who feel unseen, Mom.
236
00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:46,550
Like me.
You're everywhere.
237
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,550
Okay, so what am I supposed
to do now?
238
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,310
Make another video.
239
00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:51,630
Hi, Lois, I didn't get
a monkey.
240
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,370
Off to see Bananarama. Bye.
241
00:10:53,790 --> 00:10:55,630
♪ I'm your Venus... ♪
242
00:10:55,650 --> 00:10:59,020
Well, it's not what I thought
it was gonna be either.
243
00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:04,300
Mom, I made some ICU T-shirts.
244
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,660
What's going on?
Who are these people?
245
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:08,970
My team.
246
00:11:08,990 --> 00:11:11,240
ICU has exploded.
247
00:11:11,390 --> 00:11:14,000
There's ICU Fashion,
ICU Skincare,
248
00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,980
ICU Health.
It is a gold mine.
249
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,890
Okay, but what does any
of this have to do with
250
00:11:18,990 --> 00:11:21,060
seeing people for
who they really are?
251
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,010
Oh, pfft,
who cares about that?
252
00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:25,920
I do. ICU was an idea
I could really believe in,
253
00:11:26,010 --> 00:11:27,510
and you're ruining it.
254
00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,250
I'm not ruining it,
I'm expanding it.
255
00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:32,350
You know, I'm the one
who went blind, Meg.
256
00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:34,070
I'm the one who's suffering.
257
00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:36,670
Now the least I can do is
make some money from it.
258
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,100
Now stand back.
259
00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:40,480
It's time to make
another video.
260
00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:44,860
Hello, Seers, Lois here.
261
00:11:45,010 --> 00:11:48,420
You know, sometimes the darkness
gets overwhelming,
262
00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:52,760
and that's when I turn
to ICU Essential Oils.
263
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:56,870
It calms you before sleep,
or you can cook chicken in it.
264
00:12:10,890 --> 00:12:12,810
Oh, my God.
265
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:16,730
I can see.
266
00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,230
Oh, God, but if anybody
finds out,
267
00:12:18,450 --> 00:12:20,230
it'll ruin my ICU brand.
268
00:12:20,380 --> 00:12:23,140
Ugh. Peter told me
he'd been doing laundry.
269
00:12:23,290 --> 00:12:26,290
You know, now I'm even wondering
if he lost those 75 pounds
270
00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:27,070
like he said.
271
00:12:27,220 --> 00:12:28,070
What's that, Lois?
272
00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:29,740
I'm just on the spin bike.
273
00:12:29,890 --> 00:12:31,220
Got a good sweat going.
274
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,120
Boy, you're right,
Sarah loves those hills.
275
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,480
Okay, here's the microphone.
276
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:45,650
Yeah, I see it.
277
00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:48,000
I-I mean, oh, thank you.
278
00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:49,930
Uh, i-is that Meg?
279
00:12:50,150 --> 00:12:51,930
Mom, what's going on with you?
280
00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:54,840
Nothing. Especially my eyesight.
281
00:12:54,930 --> 00:12:57,670
I am still very, very blind.
282
00:12:57,830 --> 00:13:00,180
Thank you all
for coming today.
283
00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:03,330
I can't see you,
because I'm blind,
284
00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:04,770
but ICU.
285
00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:09,950
Please be sure to try out
our new colonic partnership
286
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,260
with increasingly irrelevant
rapper Eminem,
287
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:13,670
the Eminenema.
288
00:13:13,810 --> 00:13:17,180
It promises to clear out
"8 Miles" of mom's spaghetti.
289
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,770
It goes in slim clear
and comes out slim shady.
290
00:13:20,790 --> 00:13:23,110
Thank you, I'm blind.
291
00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:32,970
That was incredible, Lois.
292
00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,050
You're a real inspiration.
293
00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:37,140
My name is
Wanda Keptmymaidenname,
294
00:13:37,290 --> 00:13:38,880
and I work for Helen.
295
00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:43,310
Helen Disingenuous, the beloved
daytime talk show host
296
00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:45,540
who gives millions away
to those in need
297
00:13:45,630 --> 00:13:47,370
and is still somehow loathed?
298
00:13:47,470 --> 00:13:51,470
Well, "loathed" is a little bit
exactly right, but yes.
299
00:13:51,490 --> 00:13:53,140
I'm here, Lois, because
Helen has been
300
00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,990
following your success and would
love to make it her own.
301
00:13:56,220 --> 00:13:58,740
Would you consider being
a guest on our show?
302
00:13:58,830 --> 00:14:01,570
Oh, my gosh, really?
That's amazing.
303
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,240
So I get to go to Hollywood?
304
00:14:03,330 --> 00:14:04,910
We actually tape the show
in Burbank.
305
00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:07,670
Oh. What's the difference?
306
00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:09,900
That's hilarious.
307
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,070
I'll have someone who makes
a lot less money than me
308
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,420
set everything up.
309
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:15,570
Meg, can you believe it?
310
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:18,330
This is gonna take ICU global.
311
00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:21,640
I'll be more popular than
a Robert Redford clip.
312
00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:33,270
Hey, guys. My dad made you
another list.
313
00:14:33,420 --> 00:14:36,090
"Teach Doug to ride a bike,
bake cookies,
314
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,530
listen to his Archer
impression."
315
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,440
This is ridiculous.
We're not doing any of this.
316
00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:42,180
I don't know, I kind of want
to hear his Archer impression.
317
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,200
Yeah, I'm curious.
318
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:48,270
I'm an international spy,
but I also do mundane things.
319
00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,710
Okay, all right.
That's-that's pretty good.
320
00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:52,040
But that's it. No more.
321
00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:55,200
Then I guess my dad
will just have to sue you.
322
00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:57,110
You know what?
Go ahead and sue us.
323
00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:58,110
I mean, look at this guy.
324
00:14:58,130 --> 00:14:59,200
What do you think
you're gonna get?
325
00:14:59,220 --> 00:15:01,540
We came here in his dog's car.
326
00:15:01,630 --> 00:15:03,200
But we had a deal.
327
00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:06,040
Well, the deal's off.
I'll call your dad myself.
328
00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:08,290
No, don't.
329
00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:10,230
What the...?
330
00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:17,070
It was you making us do
all that stuff.
331
00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:18,630
You made fools of us, Doug!
332
00:15:18,650 --> 00:15:19,550
Get him.
333
00:15:22,230 --> 00:15:23,630
Dad, help.
334
00:15:23,650 --> 00:15:26,320
I'm not Dad.
I'm Pete the Pirate.
335
00:15:26,470 --> 00:15:27,970
God, I already told you.
336
00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:29,320
Why did you do it?
337
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,160
Why did you make us
do all that stuff
338
00:15:31,250 --> 00:15:34,330
For this. I did it for this.
339
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,380
What? What do you mean?
340
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:41,000
I don't have a dog
or a brother.
341
00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:43,170
Or even a father, really.
342
00:15:43,260 --> 00:15:47,170
But these past few days
I felt like I've had all that.
343
00:15:47,330 --> 00:15:49,840
I'm sorry, but I didn't know
any other way
344
00:15:49,940 --> 00:15:51,920
to get you
to spend time with me.
345
00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:54,440
Doug, there you are.
Thank God!
346
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,930
Hey, I got your message
about the miscarriage.
347
00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:05,930
So, Saturday night?
348
00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:07,270
What a dick.
349
00:16:07,290 --> 00:16:09,680
You know what?
I'm gonna go poop in his shoes.
350
00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,680
You'd do that for me?
351
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:13,610
Sure I will, buddy.
352
00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:16,850
Hang on, Brian.
I got one in the chamber.
353
00:16:16,950 --> 00:16:20,190
-I'll join you.
-Thanks, guys.
354
00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:21,690
I guess that just leaves us.
355
00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,300
Look, I think you're
a total garbage person.
356
00:16:24,530 --> 00:16:26,470
-Same.
-And being nice to you
goes against
357
00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:28,620
-everything I stand for.
-Same.
358
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,530
Okay, don't be the person
who just says "same,"
359
00:16:30,550 --> 00:16:31,890
like it's a real response.
360
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,390
You know what, let's just hate
each other in public
361
00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:37,370
and maybe not hate each other
as much in private.
362
00:16:37,470 --> 00:16:39,150
Like George
and Kellyanne Conway?
363
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,650
What is up with those two?
364
00:16:44,550 --> 00:16:47,810
Ah, this is really gonna put
ICU over the top, Meg.
365
00:16:47,830 --> 00:16:49,390
I am gonna be rich.
366
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,650
Now, which one is better,
the blue or the green?
367
00:16:52,740 --> 00:16:55,250
Wait, how do you know
what colors they are?
368
00:16:56,650 --> 00:17:00,080
Mom, you can see? I knew it.
369
00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:04,160
Okay, fine.
Yes, I can see.
370
00:17:04,180 --> 00:17:06,920
I can't believe
you've been lying. Why?
371
00:17:07,070 --> 00:17:08,910
Don't you get it?
I have to be blind
372
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,330
to keep the money rolling in.
373
00:17:10,350 --> 00:17:14,170
Nobody's gonna be inspired
by a middle-aged, cisgendered,
374
00:17:14,190 --> 00:17:17,250
-able-bodied white woman.
-Or man.
375
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:18,690
Now, you keep
your mouth shut, or I will...
376
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:19,860
Knock knock.
377
00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:22,440
Helen, is that you?
378
00:17:22,590 --> 00:17:25,530
Oh, I'm so blind.
379
00:17:26,940 --> 00:17:30,370
I just wanted to say hello,
welcome you to the show.
380
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,450
Have you been to Burbank before?
381
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,360
-Never.
-Oh, well, while you're waiting,
382
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:37,270
check out this video I made
383
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,690
for the Burbank Tourism
Association.
384
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:42,440
Welcome to beautiful
Burbank, California,
385
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:44,620
home of more year-round
Halloween stores
386
00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:46,380
than any other city
in the world.
387
00:17:46,540 --> 00:17:49,040
Do you like Jack in the Box?
Then you're in luck.
388
00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:50,370
We've got six of them.
389
00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:52,060
If you've ever wanted
to visit a place
390
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,210
where you can hear the freeway
from literally
391
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:56,950
every spot in town,
then Burbank is for you.
392
00:17:56,970 --> 00:17:59,460
Want to do drugs
in an empty swimming pool
393
00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:00,960
with a couch in it?
394
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:03,310
Want to see what you imagine
an affluent neighborhood
395
00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:04,720
in Honduras looks like?
396
00:18:04,810 --> 00:18:07,070
You can do all of that
and so much more
397
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,370
in Burbank.
398
00:18:15,230 --> 00:18:18,730
We're here with Lois Griffin,
founder of ICU
399
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:22,590
and an inspiration to millions
of easily persuadable women.
400
00:18:22,740 --> 00:18:26,240
So, Lois, I understand,
in addition to everything else,
401
00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:28,990
you've started
the ICU Foundation.
402
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,410
That's right, Helen.
403
00:18:30,430 --> 00:18:31,990
You know, you haven't
really made it until
404
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,490
you're able to convince
rich people
405
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,990
to give you money
for a nebulous and undefined
406
00:18:36,010 --> 00:18:37,490
important cause.
407
00:18:37,510 --> 00:18:40,180
And what will your foundation
focus on?
408
00:18:40,270 --> 00:18:44,730
Women's issues.
And the environment.
409
00:18:48,340 --> 00:18:51,780
Refugees.
410
00:18:52,010 --> 00:18:53,430
Well, we support you,
411
00:18:53,450 --> 00:18:55,850
so we've got a surprise for you.
412
00:18:59,110 --> 00:19:01,110
Oh, my God.
Reese Witherspoon?!
413
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,540
I love her.
414
00:19:03,870 --> 00:19:07,950
Lois, how did you know
it was Reese Witherspoon
415
00:19:07,970 --> 00:19:09,300
-if you can't see?
-Ah.
416
00:19:09,450 --> 00:19:13,140
Um, that's-that's just,
um, what I say
417
00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:16,290
when I'm excited.
Reese Witherspoon!
418
00:19:16,310 --> 00:19:18,700
Lois, are you actually blind?
419
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,360
Yes. I mean...
420
00:19:30,070 --> 00:19:32,310
No.
421
00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:34,720
I was blind
when I started ICU,
422
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,400
but I got my sight back
a few days ago.
423
00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,560
I just wanted to make
a difference and, you know,
424
00:19:40,650 --> 00:19:43,910
maybe get money
from sympathetic strangers.
425
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,500
I'm sorry.
426
00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:48,840
Hey, y'all, can I put
this big ole check down?
427
00:19:48,990 --> 00:19:50,490
My arms ain't but small sticks.
428
00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:54,010
Oh, shut up, Reese Witherspoon,
you big phony.
429
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,000
There's no way you've read
all those books
430
00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:57,570
you slap your sticker on.
431
00:19:57,590 --> 00:20:00,690
Well, Lois, you've disappointed
a lot of people here today.
432
00:20:00,910 --> 00:20:03,360
And since this is daytime TV,
you'll have to stand trial
433
00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:05,100
on a Black judge show.
434
00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,100
Lois Griffin,
I find you guilty,
435
00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:13,700
and I sentence you
to pay your roommate back
436
00:20:13,850 --> 00:20:15,020
for his dog food,
437
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,540
or whatever dumb
this one's about.
438
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,360
Well, Lois, I'm glad
you're not blind anymore.
439
00:20:26,450 --> 00:20:29,380
Oh, me, too. I just wish
I'd handled it better.
440
00:20:29,610 --> 00:20:31,030
Hey, at least you got
to go to Hollywood.
441
00:20:31,050 --> 00:20:32,720
-Burbank.
-What's the difference?
442
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,940
Oh, boy, I'll show you.
443
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,210
Want to get your car washed
by a former Nickelodeon star?
444
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,130
Want to take an improv class
from an instructor
445
00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:41,780
you have to drive home after?
446
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,540
You can in Burbank.
447
00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,560
Buy a house with a second floor
no one got permits for,
448
00:20:46,790 --> 00:20:50,130
and then watch the 98-degree
winter nights tick by
449
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:52,240
through rusty bars
on your windows.
450
00:20:52,390 --> 00:20:55,390
Share a duplex with
that guy from that thing.
451
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,150
Pay L.A. prices
for Orlando amenities
452
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,120
in Burbank.