1 00:00:01,220 --> 00:00:04,336 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,488 --> 00:00:07,564 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,583 --> 00:00:11,235 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,328 --> 00:00:14,238 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,331 --> 00:00:17,591 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,685 --> 00:00:21,169 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,670 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,765 --> 00:00:24,081 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,099 --> 00:00:29,611 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:35,444 --> 00:00:37,852 All right, time for 8:15 drop-off. 11 00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,064 Now Mommy's on a quick break till 3:30. 12 00:00:41,066 --> 00:00:42,949 Toughest job in the world. 13 00:00:43,102 --> 00:00:45,711 Oh, look, Kylie's mom is out of rehab. 14 00:00:45,862 --> 00:00:47,713 Good morning, little guy. 15 00:00:47,864 --> 00:00:50,440 Hey, Janet, good to see you. 16 00:00:50,459 --> 00:00:53,293 Hey, listen, thank you so much for your apology email. 17 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,203 An individual one would have been nice, 18 00:00:55,297 --> 00:00:57,723 but one to the whole class was fine, too. 19 00:00:57,874 --> 00:01:00,375 Have a good day, Stewie. 20 00:01:02,712 --> 00:01:05,105 Oh, my God, please be a dog. Please be a dog. 21 00:01:07,068 --> 00:01:09,142 Ow. Ow... 22 00:01:09,295 --> 00:01:11,052 Oh, my God, it's a kid! 23 00:01:11,072 --> 00:01:13,647 It's Doug! Nice hit, bitch. 24 00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,057 Oh, and Elsa underwear. 25 00:01:16,077 --> 00:01:19,161 This day just keeps getting better! 26 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,470 Well, thank you all for coming. 27 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,580 Can I get anyone something to drink? 28 00:01:26,730 --> 00:01:28,970 I'm fine, but Doug's mother would probably like 29 00:01:28,990 --> 00:01:31,330 three martinis, and then to have unprotected sex 30 00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:32,740 with her boss at work. 31 00:01:32,830 --> 00:01:35,760 And Doug's father would love a glass of warm tap water 32 00:01:35,910 --> 00:01:37,670 and to never make more than $30,000 a year 33 00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:39,320 for the rest of his life. 34 00:01:39,340 --> 00:01:42,100 And here we go. 35 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:44,750 Okay, well, I am just so sorry 36 00:01:44,770 --> 00:01:46,510 about what happened with Doug. 37 00:01:46,660 --> 00:01:48,510 I just didn't see the little guy. 38 00:01:48,660 --> 00:01:50,830 Well, maybe you ought to get your eyes examined. 39 00:01:50,850 --> 00:01:54,000 I appreciate that it was an accident, Mrs. Griffin. 40 00:01:54,090 --> 00:01:56,330 But nonetheless, we've retained a lawyer. 41 00:01:56,430 --> 00:01:58,520 Well, there must be some way short of a lawsuit 42 00:01:58,610 --> 00:01:59,930 we can make this up to you. 43 00:01:59,950 --> 00:02:02,010 Well, this is my weekend with Doug, 44 00:02:02,030 --> 00:02:03,930 but I've got tickets to see Lana Del Rey 45 00:02:04,030 --> 00:02:06,180 with our former nanny Jessica. 46 00:02:07,510 --> 00:02:10,530 She's 24. So as a form of settlement, 47 00:02:10,630 --> 00:02:13,180 maybe this weekend you can put together a tree house 48 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:14,520 I don't want to deal with. 49 00:02:14,690 --> 00:02:17,300 Fine. If that's what I have to do to make this right, 50 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,470 then Peter and my children will build your son's tree house. 51 00:02:20,620 --> 00:02:21,470 Deal. 52 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:23,640 All right, I guess now the four men 53 00:02:23,820 --> 00:02:26,030 awkwardly sit here while my mom gives your mom 54 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,160 a tour of the house that doesn't deserve one. 55 00:02:28,220 --> 00:02:33,150 And this is a room adjacent to the room 56 00:02:33,300 --> 00:02:34,300 we were just in. 57 00:02:34,390 --> 00:02:36,690 Ooh, what a fun house. 58 00:02:39,730 --> 00:02:42,230 Okay, Mrs. Griffin, tell me what you see. 59 00:02:42,380 --> 00:02:45,310 Um, I see a cow in a lab coat, 60 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,160 some vultures in a cowboy hat, 61 00:02:47,310 --> 00:02:50,910 and a dog trying to trick a cat into a clothes dryer. 62 00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:53,730 Just as I thought. You're Far-Sided. 63 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,840 Oh, no. What-what do I do about it? 64 00:02:55,990 --> 00:02:57,750 Oh, well, I'm no doctor, but I would say 65 00:02:57,900 --> 00:02:59,730 you either need to get glasses or maybe LASIK. 66 00:02:59,750 --> 00:03:01,680 Is that the surgery people get 67 00:03:01,830 --> 00:03:03,010 and then tell everybody they got it? 68 00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,660 Yes, it's the veganism of elective surgery. 69 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:07,000 If you're unsure of what to do, 70 00:03:07,090 --> 00:03:09,000 here's a video of Radiohead front man 71 00:03:09,090 --> 00:03:12,000 and super weirdo Thom Yorke to help you decide. 72 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,910 Hello, I'm Thom Yorke. 73 00:03:13,930 --> 00:03:16,100 You might know me from Radiohead 74 00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:19,860 or my passing resemblance to a melting Tilda Swinton. 75 00:03:20,010 --> 00:03:23,100 Not many people know that I'm blind in one eye. 76 00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:24,700 Can you guess which one? 77 00:03:24,850 --> 00:03:26,610 -This is awful. -Wait, just give it a few minutes. 78 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:28,370 All his stuff starts kind of slow. 79 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:30,260 Fine, I'll get the LASIK. 80 00:03:30,280 --> 00:03:31,780 Great. Make an appointment with my nurse. 81 00:03:31,930 --> 00:03:34,210 Now here's a lollipop from the Sackler family 82 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:36,130 that says, "Sowwy." 83 00:03:37,950 --> 00:03:40,610 In the future, we won't even need our eyes. 84 00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:42,550 Computers will see for us. 85 00:03:42,780 --> 00:03:45,220 Oh, now you're a doctor? I guess I'm a singer now. 86 00:03:45,450 --> 00:03:47,540 ♪ Tra-la-la-la-la. ♪ I'm Casey Kasem. 87 00:03:47,630 --> 00:03:50,370 That was Elmer Hartman peaking at number 32 with 88 00:03:50,470 --> 00:03:53,730 "I Hate Computers ." 89 00:03:58,730 --> 00:04:00,730 Mrs. Griffin, the surgery was a success. 90 00:04:00,890 --> 00:04:02,960 And by that, I mean the hospital agreed 91 00:04:02,980 --> 00:04:04,130 to take your Discover card. 92 00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:06,130 Plus, we'll get one percent of that back, 93 00:04:06,220 --> 00:04:08,160 which is basically like getting nothing. 94 00:04:16,420 --> 00:04:21,400 Oh, my God... I'm blind. 95 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:23,420 What do you mean you're blind? 96 00:04:23,650 --> 00:04:25,760 -Y-You can't see me right now? -No! 97 00:04:25,910 --> 00:04:29,500 But you can still see, like, the stove and laundry, right? 98 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:31,320 But, Mom, we got you a balloo... 99 00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,600 Shh, shh, shh. 100 00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:34,510 She doesn't know about the balloon. 101 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,090 Don't worry, Lois, we'll be right by your side 102 00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:40,020 the whole time, and not outside playing with a balloon. 103 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,010 I love you, balloon. 104 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,620 Oh-oh, oh, no, no! 105 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:50,430 I'm coming, balloon! 106 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:54,870 Don't tell your mother about this. 107 00:05:03,110 --> 00:05:05,800 Don't worry, Lois, I went blind a while back. 108 00:05:05,950 --> 00:05:07,690 It was cool. They're some of the last people 109 00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:09,040 you can still make fun of. 110 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,140 -Dad! -It's fine, they won't see this. 111 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,640 Dr. Hartman, you said there was very little risk 112 00:05:13,790 --> 00:05:15,640 to LASIK, but now I am blind. 113 00:05:15,790 --> 00:05:16,720 How did this happen? 114 00:05:16,870 --> 00:05:18,290 Okay, look, this isn't my fault. 115 00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:20,200 It was Take-Your-Cat- To-Work day. 116 00:05:26,490 --> 00:05:30,400 Dr. Hartman, what does this mean, you know, for me? 117 00:05:30,490 --> 00:05:32,050 Well, whatever your wife did for you, 118 00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:33,720 you'll now have to do for yourselves. 119 00:05:33,740 --> 00:05:35,600 And until she gets used to her new life, 120 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:37,390 you'll need to take care of her. 121 00:05:37,410 --> 00:05:39,070 Feed her, bathe her, drive her places. 122 00:05:39,230 --> 00:05:42,210 -They're gone, aren't they? -They left, yes. 123 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:48,680 There they are. I thought we said 10:00 sharp, 124 00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:50,830 but we must have said 10:18. 125 00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:53,160 No one's fault, but going forward, 126 00:05:53,180 --> 00:05:56,330 let's make sure we respect each other's time, hmm? 127 00:05:56,350 --> 00:05:58,590 -You must be Chris. -I must? 128 00:05:58,690 --> 00:06:01,020 You know, we have a friend in common: 129 00:06:01,170 --> 00:06:02,410 Mr. Herbert. 130 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:03,690 How do you know Mr. Herbert? 131 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:06,360 We're friends. Sometimes he comes to my art shows, 132 00:06:06,590 --> 00:06:07,600 and we get ice cream after. 133 00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:09,700 Let me guess, he takes you to the park 134 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:11,940 where the swings go really high? 135 00:06:12,090 --> 00:06:13,760 -He does. -Uh-huh. 136 00:06:13,780 --> 00:06:15,930 That'll stop. And the ice cream? 137 00:06:15,950 --> 00:06:17,190 Don't get used to it. 138 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:20,520 I've seen a thousand of you. I've outlasted them. 139 00:06:20,620 --> 00:06:22,020 I'll outlast you. 140 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:25,380 Okay, uh, my dad left a note for you, Mr. Griffin. 141 00:06:25,530 --> 00:06:28,610 "Griffins, build this tree house for my son. 142 00:06:28,630 --> 00:06:30,960 "He will love it for a year, until my housekeeper 143 00:06:31,110 --> 00:06:33,550 "moves into it, even though it doesn't have electricity 144 00:06:33,700 --> 00:06:34,870 "or running water. 145 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,540 She walked here from Guatemala. She'll be fine." 146 00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:40,210 Let's get started, boys. 147 00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,880 Aw, man, this is gonna be more work 148 00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:44,380 than when I built that Habitat for Sean Hannity. 149 00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:46,550 As you can see, we've made everything white, 150 00:06:46,570 --> 00:06:47,640 like you requested. 151 00:06:47,790 --> 00:06:48,570 Here's a room to recover 152 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:49,570 from your sodium headaches, 153 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:50,800 and on the walls, I painted 154 00:06:50,810 --> 00:06:52,220 some of your most famous quotes. 155 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,460 There's the one where you compared 156 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,230 the homosexual lifestyle to playing in the sewer, 157 00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:57,970 and there's the one where you defended Roy Moore. 158 00:06:58,060 --> 00:06:59,670 -Nice. -Uh-huh. 159 00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:02,080 And here's a room where you can blame things on an immigrant. 160 00:07:02,230 --> 00:07:05,880 Hey, nothing personal, I just peddle hate for money. 161 00:07:08,910 --> 00:07:10,760 We now return to Blindflix, 162 00:07:10,910 --> 00:07:12,910 the streaming service for blind people. 163 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,740 I can't believe it's the year 2034, 164 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:18,840 Earth is uninhabitable, and we're hurtling through space 165 00:07:18,990 --> 00:07:21,100 to find a place for humanity to start again. 166 00:07:21,330 --> 00:07:25,090 Thankfully, we are Chris Evans and Vanessa Hudgens, 167 00:07:25,180 --> 00:07:27,680 and have sexy bodies that will make beautiful 168 00:07:27,830 --> 00:07:29,670 racially nuanced babies. 169 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,500 I love you, Chris Evans. 170 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,950 I love you, too, Vanessa Hudgens. 171 00:07:34,100 --> 00:07:36,010 Kiss me. 172 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,490 Ah, this show is so sexy. 173 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,030 How you doing, Mom? 174 00:07:46,190 --> 00:07:47,350 Do you need to go poopies? 175 00:07:47,370 --> 00:07:49,690 Meg, please stop asking me that. 176 00:07:49,780 --> 00:07:52,970 I'm sorry, I just-- I hate being so dependent 177 00:07:53,190 --> 00:07:54,470 on other people. 178 00:07:54,690 --> 00:07:56,470 I feel helpless and worthless. 179 00:07:56,700 --> 00:08:00,620 I get it. I feel helpless and worthless 24-sevs. 180 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:01,960 How do you deal with it? 181 00:08:01,980 --> 00:08:04,720 Cutting, minor arson, and sometimes I post 182 00:08:04,870 --> 00:08:06,630 empowerment videos on YouTube. 183 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,370 Empowerment videos? 184 00:08:08,390 --> 00:08:10,470 I thought YouTube went out of business. 185 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,970 Uh, what am I thinking of? 186 00:08:12,060 --> 00:08:13,880 -Circuit City. -Yes. 187 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:15,230 Here. The camera's on. 188 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,400 Just getting your feelings out will make you feel better. 189 00:08:18,550 --> 00:08:22,160 Oh, okay. Um, hello. 190 00:08:22,390 --> 00:08:24,150 Uh, my name is Lois Griffin, 191 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:28,080 and I... am blind. 192 00:08:28,230 --> 00:08:31,400 Uh, I went to the hospital for a simple surgery 193 00:08:31,490 --> 00:08:33,410 and woke up in the ICU. 194 00:08:33,570 --> 00:08:36,580 But the irony was I couldn't see you. 195 00:08:36,740 --> 00:08:39,250 I couldn't see anyone or anything. 196 00:08:39,410 --> 00:08:40,910 Even the people closest to me 197 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:43,560 who need to be seen the most. 198 00:08:45,910 --> 00:08:49,190 So now I suppose if I want to see again, 199 00:08:49,420 --> 00:08:51,340 I'll have to listen more 200 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:54,340 and-and feel more and focus on 201 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,510 what's on the inside and not what I can see on the outside. 202 00:09:02,450 --> 00:09:05,600 Okay, that's all for now. 203 00:09:05,620 --> 00:09:08,120 Mom, that was incredible. 204 00:09:08,270 --> 00:09:09,450 You really spoke to me. 205 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:11,940 Who-Who's that? Is that Lois? 206 00:09:12,030 --> 00:09:14,110 Peter, I'm the one who's blind. 207 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:16,590 Sorry, I-I'm still getting used to things. 208 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:22,460 I can't believe Doug's dad texted me 209 00:09:22,620 --> 00:09:24,450 and said we had to come to Doug's T-ball game 210 00:09:24,470 --> 00:09:25,470 or he was gonna sue us. 211 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,060 Looks like they got Big League Chew. 212 00:09:27,210 --> 00:09:29,970 Yeah, I saw that. I saw that they got Big League Chew. 213 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,900 Ah, the baseball field. Good memories. 214 00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:35,740 Lost my v-card here with Jennifer Jason Leigh 215 00:09:35,890 --> 00:09:37,140 in that dugout right over there. 216 00:09:37,300 --> 00:09:38,390 That was Fast Times. 217 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,700 Yeah, fast for her, maybe. I took a while. 218 00:09:46,470 --> 00:09:48,970 Excuse me. What happened to your big trip 219 00:09:48,990 --> 00:09:50,230 to Providence? 220 00:09:50,330 --> 00:09:52,570 Good morning, sports fans. 221 00:09:52,660 --> 00:09:55,330 You ready to witness the epitome of excellence? 222 00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:56,800 Check this out. 223 00:09:58,330 --> 00:10:00,890 Oh. Ball one. 224 00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:08,600 Look, spaz, hold the bat like this, 225 00:10:08,830 --> 00:10:11,190 and then step into it as you swing forward. 226 00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:17,280 I did it. Thanks, Mr. Griffin. 227 00:10:17,430 --> 00:10:19,760 -I'm leaving. -Come on, Chris. 228 00:10:19,780 --> 00:10:23,170 Don't be mad. My plans changed. 229 00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:24,360 Oh, hey, Doug. 230 00:10:24,450 --> 00:10:26,200 Are you kidding me?! 231 00:10:30,370 --> 00:10:32,440 Mom, you won't believe what happened. 232 00:10:32,460 --> 00:10:34,290 Your video went viral. 233 00:10:34,450 --> 00:10:37,110 Oh, does that mean Circuit City's back? 234 00:10:37,130 --> 00:10:41,190 No, it means your ICU video really connected with people. 235 00:10:41,210 --> 00:10:44,040 You're helping people who feel unseen, Mom. 236 00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:46,550 Like me. You're everywhere. 237 00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,550 Okay, so what am I supposed to do now? 238 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,310 Make another video. 239 00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:51,630 Hi, Lois, I didn't get a monkey. 240 00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,370 Off to see Bananarama. Bye. 241 00:10:53,790 --> 00:10:55,630 ♪ I'm your Venus... ♪ 242 00:10:55,650 --> 00:10:59,020 Well, it's not what I thought it was gonna be either. 243 00:11:02,060 --> 00:11:04,300 Mom, I made some ICU T-shirts. 244 00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:07,660 What's going on? Who are these people? 245 00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:08,970 My team. 246 00:11:08,990 --> 00:11:11,240 ICU has exploded. 247 00:11:11,390 --> 00:11:14,000 There's ICU Fashion, ICU Skincare, 248 00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,980 ICU Health. It is a gold mine. 249 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,890 Okay, but what does any of this have to do with 250 00:11:18,990 --> 00:11:21,060 seeing people for who they really are? 251 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,010 Oh, pfft, who cares about that? 252 00:11:23,230 --> 00:11:25,920 I do. ICU was an idea I could really believe in, 253 00:11:26,010 --> 00:11:27,510 and you're ruining it. 254 00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,250 I'm not ruining it, I'm expanding it. 255 00:11:30,350 --> 00:11:32,350 You know, I'm the one who went blind, Meg. 256 00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:34,070 I'm the one who's suffering. 257 00:11:34,210 --> 00:11:36,670 Now the least I can do is make some money from it. 258 00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,100 Now stand back. 259 00:11:38,190 --> 00:11:40,480 It's time to make another video. 260 00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:44,860 Hello, Seers, Lois here. 261 00:11:45,010 --> 00:11:48,420 You know, sometimes the darkness gets overwhelming, 262 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:52,760 and that's when I turn to ICU Essential Oils. 263 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:56,870 It calms you before sleep, or you can cook chicken in it. 264 00:12:10,890 --> 00:12:12,810 Oh, my God. 265 00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:16,730 I can see. 266 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,230 Oh, God, but if anybody finds out, 267 00:12:18,450 --> 00:12:20,230 it'll ruin my ICU brand. 268 00:12:20,380 --> 00:12:23,140 Ugh. Peter told me he'd been doing laundry. 269 00:12:23,290 --> 00:12:26,290 You know, now I'm even wondering if he lost those 75 pounds 270 00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:27,070 like he said. 271 00:12:27,220 --> 00:12:28,070 What's that, Lois? 272 00:12:28,220 --> 00:12:29,740 I'm just on the spin bike. 273 00:12:29,890 --> 00:12:31,220 Got a good sweat going. 274 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,120 Boy, you're right, Sarah loves those hills. 275 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,480 Okay, here's the microphone. 276 00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:45,650 Yeah, I see it. 277 00:12:45,660 --> 00:12:48,000 I-I mean, oh, thank you. 278 00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:49,930 Uh, i-is that Meg? 279 00:12:50,150 --> 00:12:51,930 Mom, what's going on with you? 280 00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:54,840 Nothing. Especially my eyesight. 281 00:12:54,930 --> 00:12:57,670 I am still very, very blind. 282 00:12:57,830 --> 00:13:00,180 Thank you all for coming today. 283 00:13:00,330 --> 00:13:03,330 I can't see you, because I'm blind, 284 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:04,770 but ICU. 285 00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:09,950 Please be sure to try out our new colonic partnership 286 00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:12,260 with increasingly irrelevant rapper Eminem, 287 00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:13,670 the Eminenema. 288 00:13:13,810 --> 00:13:17,180 It promises to clear out "8 Miles" of mom's spaghetti. 289 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,770 It goes in slim clear and comes out slim shady. 290 00:13:20,790 --> 00:13:23,110 Thank you, I'm blind. 291 00:13:30,470 --> 00:13:32,970 That was incredible, Lois. 292 00:13:33,200 --> 00:13:35,050 You're a real inspiration. 293 00:13:35,140 --> 00:13:37,140 My name is Wanda Keptmymaidenname, 294 00:13:37,290 --> 00:13:38,880 and I work for Helen. 295 00:13:39,030 --> 00:13:43,310 Helen Disingenuous, the beloved daytime talk show host 296 00:13:43,540 --> 00:13:45,540 who gives millions away to those in need 297 00:13:45,630 --> 00:13:47,370 and is still somehow loathed? 298 00:13:47,470 --> 00:13:51,470 Well, "loathed" is a little bit exactly right, but yes. 299 00:13:51,490 --> 00:13:53,140 I'm here, Lois, because Helen has been 300 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,990 following your success and would love to make it her own. 301 00:13:56,220 --> 00:13:58,740 Would you consider being a guest on our show? 302 00:13:58,830 --> 00:14:01,570 Oh, my gosh, really? That's amazing. 303 00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:03,240 So I get to go to Hollywood? 304 00:14:03,330 --> 00:14:04,910 We actually tape the show in Burbank. 305 00:14:05,060 --> 00:14:07,670 Oh. What's the difference? 306 00:14:07,820 --> 00:14:09,900 That's hilarious. 307 00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:12,070 I'll have someone who makes a lot less money than me 308 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:13,420 set everything up. 309 00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:15,570 Meg, can you believe it? 310 00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:18,330 This is gonna take ICU global. 311 00:14:18,350 --> 00:14:21,640 I'll be more popular than a Robert Redford clip. 312 00:14:29,690 --> 00:14:33,270 Hey, guys. My dad made you another list. 313 00:14:33,420 --> 00:14:36,090 "Teach Doug to ride a bike, bake cookies, 314 00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,530 listen to his Archer impression." 315 00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,440 This is ridiculous. We're not doing any of this. 316 00:14:39,530 --> 00:14:42,180 I don't know, I kind of want to hear his Archer impression. 317 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,200 Yeah, I'm curious. 318 00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:48,270 I'm an international spy, but I also do mundane things. 319 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,710 Okay, all right. That's-that's pretty good. 320 00:14:50,860 --> 00:14:52,040 But that's it. No more. 321 00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:55,200 Then I guess my dad will just have to sue you. 322 00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:57,110 You know what? Go ahead and sue us. 323 00:14:57,130 --> 00:14:58,110 I mean, look at this guy. 324 00:14:58,130 --> 00:14:59,200 What do you think you're gonna get? 325 00:14:59,220 --> 00:15:01,540 We came here in his dog's car. 326 00:15:01,630 --> 00:15:03,200 But we had a deal. 327 00:15:03,220 --> 00:15:06,040 Well, the deal's off. I'll call your dad myself. 328 00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:08,290 No, don't. 329 00:15:08,380 --> 00:15:10,230 What the...? 330 00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:17,070 It was you making us do all that stuff. 331 00:15:17,220 --> 00:15:18,630 You made fools of us, Doug! 332 00:15:18,650 --> 00:15:19,550 Get him. 333 00:15:22,230 --> 00:15:23,630 Dad, help. 334 00:15:23,650 --> 00:15:26,320 I'm not Dad. I'm Pete the Pirate. 335 00:15:26,470 --> 00:15:27,970 God, I already told you. 336 00:15:28,060 --> 00:15:29,320 Why did you do it? 337 00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:31,160 Why did you make us do all that stuff 338 00:15:31,250 --> 00:15:34,330 For this. I did it for this. 339 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,380 What? What do you mean? 340 00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:41,000 I don't have a dog or a brother. 341 00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:43,170 Or even a father, really. 342 00:15:43,260 --> 00:15:47,170 But these past few days I felt like I've had all that. 343 00:15:47,330 --> 00:15:49,840 I'm sorry, but I didn't know any other way 344 00:15:49,940 --> 00:15:51,920 to get you to spend time with me. 345 00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:54,440 Doug, there you are. Thank God! 346 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,930 Hey, I got your message about the miscarriage. 347 00:16:03,950 --> 00:16:05,930 So, Saturday night? 348 00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:07,270 What a dick. 349 00:16:07,290 --> 00:16:09,680 You know what? I'm gonna go poop in his shoes. 350 00:16:09,700 --> 00:16:11,680 You'd do that for me? 351 00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:13,610 Sure I will, buddy. 352 00:16:13,700 --> 00:16:16,850 Hang on, Brian. I got one in the chamber. 353 00:16:16,950 --> 00:16:20,190 -I'll join you. -Thanks, guys. 354 00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:21,690 I guess that just leaves us. 355 00:16:21,780 --> 00:16:24,300 Look, I think you're a total garbage person. 356 00:16:24,530 --> 00:16:26,470 -Same. -And being nice to you goes against 357 00:16:26,620 --> 00:16:28,620 -everything I stand for. -Same. 358 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:30,530 Okay, don't be the person who just says "same," 359 00:16:30,550 --> 00:16:31,890 like it's a real response. 360 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:34,390 You know what, let's just hate each other in public 361 00:16:34,540 --> 00:16:37,370 and maybe not hate each other as much in private. 362 00:16:37,470 --> 00:16:39,150 Like George and Kellyanne Conway? 363 00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,650 What is up with those two? 364 00:16:44,550 --> 00:16:47,810 Ah, this is really gonna put ICU over the top, Meg. 365 00:16:47,830 --> 00:16:49,390 I am gonna be rich. 366 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:52,650 Now, which one is better, the blue or the green? 367 00:16:52,740 --> 00:16:55,250 Wait, how do you know what colors they are? 368 00:16:56,650 --> 00:17:00,080 Mom, you can see? I knew it. 369 00:17:00,170 --> 00:17:04,160 Okay, fine. Yes, I can see. 370 00:17:04,180 --> 00:17:06,920 I can't believe you've been lying. Why? 371 00:17:07,070 --> 00:17:08,910 Don't you get it? I have to be blind 372 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,330 to keep the money rolling in. 373 00:17:10,350 --> 00:17:14,170 Nobody's gonna be inspired by a middle-aged, cisgendered, 374 00:17:14,190 --> 00:17:17,250 -able-bodied white woman. -Or man. 375 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:18,690 Now, you keep your mouth shut, or I will... 376 00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:19,860 Knock knock. 377 00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:22,440 Helen, is that you? 378 00:17:22,590 --> 00:17:25,530 Oh, I'm so blind. 379 00:17:26,940 --> 00:17:30,370 I just wanted to say hello, welcome you to the show. 380 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:32,450 Have you been to Burbank before? 381 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,360 -Never. -Oh, well, while you're waiting, 382 00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:37,270 check out this video I made 383 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:39,690 for the Burbank Tourism Association. 384 00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:42,440 Welcome to beautiful Burbank, California, 385 00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:44,620 home of more year-round Halloween stores 386 00:17:44,780 --> 00:17:46,380 than any other city in the world. 387 00:17:46,540 --> 00:17:49,040 Do you like Jack in the Box? Then you're in luck. 388 00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:50,370 We've got six of them. 389 00:17:50,390 --> 00:17:52,060 If you've ever wanted to visit a place 390 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,210 where you can hear the freeway from literally 391 00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:56,950 every spot in town, then Burbank is for you. 392 00:17:56,970 --> 00:17:59,460 Want to do drugs in an empty swimming pool 393 00:17:59,470 --> 00:18:00,960 with a couch in it? 394 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:03,310 Want to see what you imagine an affluent neighborhood 395 00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:04,720 in Honduras looks like? 396 00:18:04,810 --> 00:18:07,070 You can do all of that and so much more 397 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,370 in Burbank. 398 00:18:15,230 --> 00:18:18,730 We're here with Lois Griffin, founder of ICU 399 00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:22,590 and an inspiration to millions of easily persuadable women. 400 00:18:22,740 --> 00:18:26,240 So, Lois, I understand, in addition to everything else, 401 00:18:26,330 --> 00:18:28,990 you've started the ICU Foundation. 402 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,410 That's right, Helen. 403 00:18:30,430 --> 00:18:31,990 You know, you haven't really made it until 404 00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:33,490 you're able to convince rich people 405 00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,990 to give you money for a nebulous and undefined 406 00:18:36,010 --> 00:18:37,490 important cause. 407 00:18:37,510 --> 00:18:40,180 And what will your foundation focus on? 408 00:18:40,270 --> 00:18:44,730 Women's issues. And the environment. 409 00:18:48,340 --> 00:18:51,780 Refugees. 410 00:18:52,010 --> 00:18:53,430 Well, we support you, 411 00:18:53,450 --> 00:18:55,850 so we've got a surprise for you. 412 00:18:59,110 --> 00:19:01,110 Oh, my God. Reese Witherspoon?! 413 00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,540 I love her. 414 00:19:03,870 --> 00:19:07,950 Lois, how did you know it was Reese Witherspoon 415 00:19:07,970 --> 00:19:09,300 -if you can't see? -Ah. 416 00:19:09,450 --> 00:19:13,140 Um, that's-that's just, um, what I say 417 00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:16,290 when I'm excited. Reese Witherspoon! 418 00:19:16,310 --> 00:19:18,700 Lois, are you actually blind? 419 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,360 Yes. I mean... 420 00:19:30,070 --> 00:19:32,310 No. 421 00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:34,720 I was blind when I started ICU, 422 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,400 but I got my sight back a few days ago. 423 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,560 I just wanted to make a difference and, you know, 424 00:19:40,650 --> 00:19:43,910 maybe get money from sympathetic strangers. 425 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,500 I'm sorry. 426 00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:48,840 Hey, y'all, can I put this big ole check down? 427 00:19:48,990 --> 00:19:50,490 My arms ain't but small sticks. 428 00:19:50,590 --> 00:19:54,010 Oh, shut up, Reese Witherspoon, you big phony. 429 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,000 There's no way you've read all those books 430 00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:57,570 you slap your sticker on. 431 00:19:57,590 --> 00:20:00,690 Well, Lois, you've disappointed a lot of people here today. 432 00:20:00,910 --> 00:20:03,360 And since this is daytime TV, you'll have to stand trial 433 00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:05,100 on a Black judge show. 434 00:20:08,750 --> 00:20:11,100 Lois Griffin, I find you guilty, 435 00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:13,700 and I sentence you to pay your roommate back 436 00:20:13,850 --> 00:20:15,020 for his dog food, 437 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,540 or whatever dumb this one's about. 438 00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,360 Well, Lois, I'm glad you're not blind anymore. 439 00:20:26,450 --> 00:20:29,380 Oh, me, too. I just wish I'd handled it better. 440 00:20:29,610 --> 00:20:31,030 Hey, at least you got to go to Hollywood. 441 00:20:31,050 --> 00:20:32,720 -Burbank. -What's the difference? 442 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,940 Oh, boy, I'll show you. 443 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,210 Want to get your car washed by a former Nickelodeon star? 444 00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:40,130 Want to take an improv class from an instructor 445 00:20:40,290 --> 00:20:41,780 you have to drive home after? 446 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,540 You can in Burbank. 447 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:46,560 Buy a house with a second floor no one got permits for, 448 00:20:46,790 --> 00:20:50,130 and then watch the 98-degree winter nights tick by 449 00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:52,240 through rusty bars on your windows. 450 00:20:52,390 --> 00:20:55,390 Share a duplex with that guy from that thing. 451 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:58,150 Pay L.A. prices for Orlando amenities 452 00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,120 in Burbank.