1 00:00:01,712 --> 00:00:05,025 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:05,125 --> 00:00:08,411 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,445 --> 00:00:11,964 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,999 --> 00:00:14,967 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,002 --> 00:00:18,471 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,505 --> 00:00:21,790 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,808 --> 00:00:23,359 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:23,393 --> 00:00:24,727 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:24,761 --> 00:00:26,184 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:26,186 --> 00:00:30,186 ♪ Family Guy 11x19 ♪ Save the Clam Original Air Date on May 5, 2013 11 00:00:30,187 --> 00:00:35,187 == sync, corrected by elderman == 12 00:00:35,188 --> 00:00:37,023 All right, Drunken Clammers, this is it, 13 00:00:37,057 --> 00:00:38,824 the most important game of the season. 14 00:00:38,859 --> 00:00:41,260 Now, is everybody drunk? 15 00:00:41,294 --> 00:00:42,728 Completely. Okay, good. 16 00:00:42,763 --> 00:00:45,531 And did nobody warm up? 17 00:00:45,582 --> 00:00:48,367 Good. 'Cause there's nothing an unstretched middle-aged body 18 00:00:48,402 --> 00:00:50,186 likes more than explosive movements. 19 00:00:50,220 --> 00:00:52,171 Now remember, we're here to impress the girlfriends 20 00:00:52,205 --> 00:00:53,522 of guys we barely know, 21 00:00:53,557 --> 00:00:55,675 so when you get the ball, throw it like a cannon. 22 00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:58,027 You must throw your arm out on every play. 23 00:00:58,061 --> 00:01:00,029 Any other softball-related questions? 24 00:01:00,063 --> 00:01:01,147 Yeah, I got a question: 25 00:01:01,181 --> 00:01:02,982 Can we leave our bad-for-the-environment 26 00:01:03,016 --> 00:01:05,351 Styrofoam coolers behind when we leave? 27 00:01:05,385 --> 00:01:06,686 Yes, you must leave them behind, 28 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:08,421 and they must be in a crumbly mess 29 00:01:08,455 --> 00:01:10,356 so that the city clean-up workers have to chase 30 00:01:10,390 --> 00:01:12,241 the little bits when the wind blows. 31 00:01:12,275 --> 00:01:13,826 You know, Stewie, this is actually a good park. 32 00:01:13,860 --> 00:01:15,711 I've found a lot of old tennis balls here. 33 00:01:15,746 --> 00:01:17,179 Eh, I don't care for this place. 34 00:01:17,214 --> 00:01:18,447 Last time I was here, 35 00:01:18,482 --> 00:01:21,083 I accidentally walked into a Spanish picnic. 36 00:01:21,118 --> 00:01:24,420 Excuse me, has anyone seen a toy car around here? 37 00:01:24,454 --> 00:01:26,088 Ooh. Es baby. 38 00:01:26,123 --> 00:01:27,840 I make beautiful. 39 00:01:34,564 --> 00:01:36,932 Don't get any ideas about Julio. 40 00:01:36,967 --> 00:01:38,934 I'm his number one. 41 00:01:38,969 --> 00:01:41,437 Here comes Goldman's Pharmacy. 42 00:01:43,140 --> 00:01:44,373 Hey, Goldman's Pharmacy! 43 00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:46,892 Can you fill out a prescription for us for diarrhea? 44 00:01:46,927 --> 00:01:48,477 We're about to get the runs! 45 00:01:50,797 --> 00:01:52,364 Oh, yeah? Well, speaking of things 46 00:01:52,399 --> 00:01:53,866 that are brown and can run, 47 00:01:53,900 --> 00:01:55,801 meet our new teammate! 48 00:01:58,171 --> 00:02:00,156 Holy crap. They got a ringer. 49 00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:02,158 What the hell? Jerome's on your team? 50 00:02:02,192 --> 00:02:04,026 That's right. We got to know each other 51 00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:06,362 while I was following him around my store. 52 00:02:06,396 --> 00:02:08,364 What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate 53 00:02:08,398 --> 00:02:11,267 my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston. 54 00:02:11,301 --> 00:02:13,302 Oh, we are. 55 00:02:17,340 --> 00:02:18,307 Come on, Jerome! 56 00:02:18,341 --> 00:02:20,076 Get a hit so I can bring 57 00:02:20,110 --> 00:02:21,844 a sports trophy home for my parents! 58 00:02:21,846 --> 00:02:24,713 Jeffrey Lipsitz has two soccerals!ed 59 00:02:24,748 --> 00:02:27,583 I can't play soccer-- I have newborn-calf ankles! 60 00:02:27,617 --> 00:02:29,602 You know this, damn it! 61 00:02:30,670 --> 00:02:32,972 I'm gonna tear the cover off this ball. 62 00:02:33,006 --> 00:02:36,025 But, hang on, first I got to adjust myself. 63 00:02:41,548 --> 00:02:43,699 Are you having a nice morning, dear? 64 00:02:43,733 --> 00:02:47,002 Oh, yes, I love living here, in the next town over. 65 00:02:50,891 --> 00:02:51,874 All right, chick batter! 66 00:02:51,908 --> 00:02:52,858 Everyone bring it in! 67 00:02:52,893 --> 00:02:53,909 Bring it on in! 68 00:02:53,944 --> 00:02:55,211 Get a hit, babe! 69 00:02:55,245 --> 00:02:57,530 You know it, babe. 70 00:02:57,564 --> 00:03:00,382 All right, move it back! Move it back! 71 00:03:02,586 --> 00:03:04,203 Peter, why do you look so nervous? 72 00:03:04,237 --> 00:03:07,873 I promised a kid in the hospital I'd hit a home run for him. 73 00:03:11,361 --> 00:03:12,928 Sorry, I struck out looking. 74 00:03:12,963 --> 00:03:14,930 Wait, you're not the kid I promised. 75 00:03:14,965 --> 00:03:16,866 No, he died last night. 76 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:18,551 Oh, phew. 77 00:03:22,189 --> 00:03:24,106 All right, guys, one more out and the game is ours. 78 00:03:24,141 --> 00:03:25,674 Come on, Horace! Strike him out! 79 00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:41,857 Horace! You okay? 80 00:03:41,891 --> 00:03:42,908 Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad! 81 00:03:42,943 --> 00:03:44,126 You're out of the baseline, by the way. 82 00:03:44,161 --> 00:03:45,244 You're out. Game's over. 83 00:03:45,278 --> 00:03:47,513 But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt. 84 00:03:48,598 --> 00:03:50,032 He's dead. 85 00:03:51,768 --> 00:03:54,203 Let him rest in peace. 86 00:03:56,306 --> 00:03:58,390 Let's put some leaves on him 87 00:03:58,425 --> 00:04:00,259 and go get some ice cream. 88 00:04:06,733 --> 00:04:08,701 I can't believe Horace is dead. 89 00:04:08,735 --> 00:04:12,271 I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up. 90 00:04:13,306 --> 00:04:15,274 I'm gonna pee! 91 00:04:15,308 --> 00:04:17,943 Listen, I just feel awful about this. 92 00:04:17,978 --> 00:04:20,479 Horace was a good bartender and a good guy. 93 00:04:20,513 --> 00:04:22,498 I wish there was something I could do. 94 00:04:22,532 --> 00:04:24,466 Well, we know you didn't mean it, Jerome. 95 00:04:24,501 --> 00:04:26,068 It's just a terrible situation. 96 00:04:26,102 --> 00:04:28,020 Like when you're the only one at the table 97 00:04:28,054 --> 00:04:29,955 where the waiter doesn't say, "Good order." 98 00:04:29,990 --> 00:04:32,291 I'll have the halibut. Ah, great choice. 99 00:04:32,325 --> 00:04:34,460 One of the chef's specialties; you'll love it. 100 00:04:34,494 --> 00:04:36,962 It was caught fresh less than ten miles from here. 101 00:04:36,997 --> 00:04:38,631 I'll have the New York strip steak. 102 00:04:38,665 --> 00:04:40,699 Mmm! My absolute favorite dish here. 103 00:04:40,734 --> 00:04:43,369 It is a spectacular cut, superbly seasoned 104 00:04:43,403 --> 00:04:46,205 and the marbling is some of the best I've ever seen. 105 00:04:46,239 --> 00:04:47,473 And I'll have the chicken. 106 00:04:47,507 --> 00:04:49,008 Mm-hmm. 107 00:04:50,710 --> 00:04:52,177 Good afternoon. 108 00:04:52,212 --> 00:04:53,846 I'd just like to say that... 109 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,682 before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around 110 00:04:56,716 --> 00:04:58,183 in a funeral car. 111 00:04:58,218 --> 00:05:00,586 I'm beginning to think everything on that show 112 00:05:00,620 --> 00:05:02,621 was a big joke. 113 00:05:06,226 --> 00:05:09,361 I'd, um... I'd just like... 114 00:05:11,765 --> 00:05:13,766 Whe... When you lose... 115 00:05:17,737 --> 00:05:20,839 Um, there's so... There's so mu... 116 00:05:20,874 --> 00:05:23,575 There's so much... 117 00:05:27,030 --> 00:05:29,999 I... I... 118 00:05:31,685 --> 00:05:33,335 Thank you, Quagmire. 119 00:05:33,370 --> 00:05:36,972 Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words. 120 00:05:37,007 --> 00:05:39,975 Horace owned the Clam for over 30 years. 121 00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:42,945 During that time, he touched all of our lives. 122 00:05:42,979 --> 00:05:45,614 He was a great bartender and a great friend. 123 00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:48,133 And so let us take a look back on his life 124 00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:51,019 through this video commemorating all the DUI's 125 00:05:51,037 --> 00:05:53,405 that he was responsible for. 126 00:05:56,176 --> 00:06:03,215 ♪ I will remember you 127 00:06:03,249 --> 00:06:09,505 ♪ Will you remember me? 128 00:06:09,539 --> 00:06:13,225 ♪ Don't let your life 129 00:06:13,259 --> 00:06:15,594 ♪ Pass you by 130 00:06:15,645 --> 00:06:17,730 Ouch. 131 00:06:17,764 --> 00:06:19,898 Is there a bathroom in here? 132 00:06:19,933 --> 00:06:23,485 I've been yo-yoing a turd for the last 20 minutes. 133 00:06:29,259 --> 00:06:30,159 Oh, sorry. 134 00:06:30,193 --> 00:06:31,560 I was looking for the bathroom. 135 00:06:31,594 --> 00:06:33,395 I shouldn't have left the door open. 136 00:06:33,430 --> 00:06:35,130 Sorry if you're grossed out by this. 137 00:06:35,165 --> 00:06:36,565 No. No, no, I'm just... 138 00:06:36,599 --> 00:06:40,369 not used to seeing corpses that big and not in a toilet. 139 00:06:40,403 --> 00:06:42,538 Oh, here, let me help you with that. 140 00:06:44,574 --> 00:06:45,924 There you go. 141 00:06:45,959 --> 00:06:47,843 Now you're all set for your big day. 142 00:06:47,877 --> 00:06:50,996 Thanks. You know, I could use some part-time help here 143 00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:52,831 preparing the bodies, if you're interested. 144 00:06:52,866 --> 00:06:54,833 Really? Yeah, that'd-that'd be great. 145 00:06:54,868 --> 00:06:56,068 I could use the money, 146 00:06:56,102 --> 00:06:58,420 and I'm getting kind of tired of my old job. 147 00:06:58,455 --> 00:07:01,056 Only a half a point divides our top two competitors 148 00:07:01,091 --> 00:07:03,959 as we enter the last event, the Meg Roll. 149 00:07:07,430 --> 00:07:08,981 You think it's cool to go drinking 150 00:07:09,032 --> 00:07:10,199 right after Horace's funeral? 151 00:07:10,233 --> 00:07:12,368 Of course. It's what he would've wanted. 152 00:07:12,402 --> 00:07:13,952 Listen, we all got to move on. 153 00:07:13,987 --> 00:07:17,956 Like the Secret Service did on November 23, 1963. 154 00:07:17,991 --> 00:07:19,808 All right, guys, I know that yesterday 155 00:07:19,843 --> 00:07:21,143 was a rough one for us. 156 00:07:21,177 --> 00:07:22,444 But it's with great pride 157 00:07:22,479 --> 00:07:25,047 that I'm gonna turn this zero into a one. 158 00:07:25,081 --> 00:07:26,248 All right! 159 00:07:26,282 --> 00:07:28,333 Nichols, you should go home and change. 160 00:07:30,637 --> 00:07:32,037 What the hell? Hey, pal, what're you doing? 161 00:07:32,072 --> 00:07:33,038 This is our bar. 162 00:07:33,073 --> 00:07:34,139 Not anymore. 163 00:07:34,174 --> 00:07:35,974 Horace owed more than this place is worth, 164 00:07:36,009 --> 00:07:37,509 so it's the bank's now. 165 00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:40,512 I'm sorry but The Drunken Clam is permanently closed. 166 00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:41,814 Closed?! 167 00:07:41,848 --> 00:07:43,816 That was the start of the dark times. 168 00:07:43,850 --> 00:07:47,603 The banks took our bars, our businesses and then our homes. 169 00:07:47,637 --> 00:07:49,104 A change had to be made. 170 00:07:49,138 --> 00:07:51,607 A change only one man could make. 171 00:07:51,641 --> 00:07:53,625 I am the Wind Maker... 172 00:07:54,627 --> 00:07:56,495 ...and I shoot monkeys now. 173 00:08:02,959 --> 00:08:06,295 We now return to Joanie Loves Chris Brown. 174 00:08:07,330 --> 00:08:08,964 Joanie! Chris! 175 00:08:08,999 --> 00:08:11,517 Welcome to the party. Can I offer you some punch? 176 00:08:11,551 --> 00:08:13,852 No, thanks. I had some in the car. 177 00:08:13,887 --> 00:08:15,888 Joanie Loves Chris Brown was taped in front 178 00:08:15,922 --> 00:08:18,123 of a very uncomfortable studio audience. 179 00:08:18,158 --> 00:08:20,626 Man, it really sucks they closed down the Clam. 180 00:08:20,660 --> 00:08:22,194 Yeah, but I... I mean, this is good, right? 181 00:08:22,228 --> 00:08:24,613 I mean, as long as we got a place to drink and a restroom 182 00:08:24,648 --> 00:08:26,949 for businessmen to have homosexual encounters. 183 00:08:26,983 --> 00:08:28,334 Hey, thanks for the sex. 184 00:08:28,368 --> 00:08:31,370 Thank you for notarizing those documents. 185 00:08:31,421 --> 00:08:33,389 Peter, what's going on down here? 186 00:08:33,423 --> 00:08:35,491 Why are there beer bottles all over the floor? 187 00:08:35,525 --> 00:08:37,559 Well, we needed a new spot to drink, Lois. 188 00:08:37,594 --> 00:08:38,978 Forget it, Peter. 189 00:08:39,012 --> 00:08:40,546 You're not turning our living room into a bar. 190 00:08:40,580 --> 00:08:42,898 Oh, come on, Lois, we got to have a place to drink. 191 00:08:42,932 --> 00:08:44,049 Drinking is the only thing 192 00:08:44,084 --> 00:08:45,184 holding this friendship together. 193 00:08:45,218 --> 00:08:48,053 Everything we try to do sober just ends badly. 194 00:08:48,088 --> 00:08:51,056 I just don't think a good way to start a screenplay is, 195 00:08:51,091 --> 00:08:53,726 "400 years ago in Bethesda, Maryland." 196 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:55,961 Yeah, and don't you think it's confusing that every character 197 00:08:55,996 --> 00:08:58,480 in the movie is named Movie Guy? Come on, you guys. 198 00:08:58,515 --> 00:09:00,799 The Oscars are next week, so let's get this done. 199 00:09:05,705 --> 00:09:08,273 Meg, I'm needed upstairs, so I'll let you finish up. 200 00:09:08,308 --> 00:09:10,009 Just put some blush here and here. 201 00:09:10,043 --> 00:09:13,362 It makes the eyes look a little less dead and hollow. 202 00:09:13,380 --> 00:09:15,180 Wow, that really works. 203 00:09:15,215 --> 00:09:17,583 Hmm. Maybe I'll try that on myself. 204 00:09:17,617 --> 00:09:21,954 Oh, uh... you have what we call a "closed casket face." 205 00:09:23,239 --> 00:09:25,140 Hey, Meg, who's your date? 206 00:09:25,175 --> 00:09:27,609 He looks like a real stiff. 207 00:09:27,644 --> 00:09:29,678 Chris, what the hell are you doing here? 208 00:09:29,713 --> 00:09:31,680 I told you not to bother me at work. 209 00:09:31,715 --> 00:09:34,316 I got locked out of the house, and I need your key. 210 00:09:34,351 --> 00:09:38,320 No way! You get to work with all these dead people? 211 00:09:38,355 --> 00:09:40,689 Hey, look, this guy's picking his nose. 212 00:09:41,958 --> 00:09:43,275 Look, now he's eating it! 213 00:09:43,326 --> 00:09:44,643 Chris! Knock it off! 214 00:09:44,677 --> 00:09:46,412 You're gonna get me in trouble! 215 00:09:46,446 --> 00:09:47,730 Meg, they're dead. 216 00:09:47,764 --> 00:09:49,565 Would you stop being so uptight? 217 00:09:49,599 --> 00:09:51,300 You're like one of those Asian-Americans 218 00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:52,968 who fought in Vietnam. 219 00:09:54,337 --> 00:09:56,305 Oh, it's just me. 220 00:09:59,976 --> 00:10:02,094 Peter, I thought you were taking us to a new drinking spot. 221 00:10:02,128 --> 00:10:03,796 What are we doing at the Clam? Look, guys, 222 00:10:03,830 --> 00:10:06,248 we tried other bars, we tried drinking at home, 223 00:10:06,282 --> 00:10:07,816 we even tried the big end-of-the-year 224 00:10:07,851 --> 00:10:10,219 high school party that will change everything. 225 00:10:10,253 --> 00:10:11,887 If we don't lose our virginity tonight, 226 00:10:11,921 --> 00:10:13,555 we're never gonna make it in college! 227 00:10:13,590 --> 00:10:14,990 Hey, where's Peter? 228 00:10:15,024 --> 00:10:18,243 Only talking to Amanda Small, the hottest girl in school. 229 00:10:18,278 --> 00:10:20,412 But aren't you going out with Joanne Fuller? 230 00:10:20,447 --> 00:10:23,348 JoJo? No, she's my neighbor. I've known her forever. 231 00:10:23,383 --> 00:10:24,917 She works at her dad's garage. 232 00:10:24,951 --> 00:10:26,418 She's practically a guy. 233 00:10:26,453 --> 00:10:28,654 JoJo?! 234 00:10:28,688 --> 00:10:31,490 ♪ Looking from a window above... ♪ 235 00:10:31,541 --> 00:10:33,008 Hi, Peter. 236 00:10:33,042 --> 00:10:35,944 But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture. 237 00:10:35,979 --> 00:10:38,680 There was someone I had to see first. 238 00:10:38,715 --> 00:10:41,016 Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies, 239 00:10:41,050 --> 00:10:42,785 a newly transformed tomboy 240 00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:45,454 supersedes your long-standing hotness. 241 00:10:46,439 --> 00:10:50,409 ♪ And all I ever knew 242 00:10:50,443 --> 00:10:52,144 ♪ Only you... 243 00:10:52,178 --> 00:10:54,179 ♪ 244 00:10:56,282 --> 00:10:58,584 Let's face it-- there's only one drinking spot for us, 245 00:10:58,618 --> 00:11:00,452 and it's the Clam. But, Peter, it's closed. 246 00:11:00,487 --> 00:11:01,653 We can't go in there. 247 00:11:01,688 --> 00:11:03,368 Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want 248 00:11:03,389 --> 00:11:05,908 to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer? 249 00:11:07,143 --> 00:11:09,828 My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question. 250 00:11:09,863 --> 00:11:12,197 Look, I bet you could squeeze through that window. 251 00:11:15,268 --> 00:11:16,368 It's not even locked. 252 00:11:16,402 --> 00:11:18,203 And all the booze is still in there. 253 00:11:18,238 --> 00:11:19,905 Come on, guys, this is trespassing 254 00:11:19,939 --> 00:11:21,173 and it's against the law. 255 00:11:21,207 --> 00:11:23,108 Maybe we should just let the Clam go 256 00:11:23,143 --> 00:11:24,543 and, I don't know, spend more time 257 00:11:24,577 --> 00:11:25,544 with our families. 258 00:11:25,578 --> 00:11:26,545 Yeah, I tried that. 259 00:11:26,579 --> 00:11:28,147 I just spend most of the time 260 00:11:28,181 --> 00:11:30,149 testing Chris to see if he's autistic. 261 00:11:32,085 --> 00:11:33,051 No! 262 00:11:34,437 --> 00:11:36,672 Not overly affectionate. 263 00:11:36,706 --> 00:11:39,074 Guys, this is where we belong. 264 00:11:39,108 --> 00:11:40,843 Yeah, no question about that. 265 00:11:40,877 --> 00:11:42,010 Yeah, we got roots here. 266 00:11:42,045 --> 00:11:44,012 We've been coming to this place for 15 years. 267 00:11:44,047 --> 00:11:45,597 Our roots go back further than that. 268 00:11:45,632 --> 00:11:47,099 My grandfather used to bring me here 269 00:11:47,133 --> 00:11:48,267 when I was a kid. 270 00:11:48,301 --> 00:11:50,135 And his grandfather brought him here. 271 00:11:54,924 --> 00:11:56,558 Good day, gentlemen! 272 00:11:56,593 --> 00:11:57,876 Welcome to the Drunken Clam! 273 00:11:57,911 --> 00:11:59,912 Can I get you boys a mug of stout? 274 00:11:59,946 --> 00:12:01,146 Why, certainly. 275 00:12:01,181 --> 00:12:02,748 This is a bully establishment you've got here. 276 00:12:02,782 --> 00:12:03,942 The doors are a little short, 277 00:12:03,967 --> 00:12:04,933 but that's okay, 278 00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:07,035 because we're smaller back now. 279 00:12:08,755 --> 00:12:09,755 To the Clam! 280 00:12:09,806 --> 00:12:11,039 Hear, hear! 281 00:12:11,074 --> 00:12:13,876 And to brain-damaging venereal disease. 282 00:12:13,910 --> 00:12:15,961 I wake up with blood on my penis pillow. 283 00:12:15,995 --> 00:12:16,962 I'm gonna go insane 284 00:12:16,996 --> 00:12:19,231 in a wheelchair, staring at the sea. 285 00:12:22,235 --> 00:12:24,336 This is everything about.. 286 00:12:24,370 --> 00:12:25,771 if it's the Clam, I love it. 287 00:12:26,973 --> 00:12:28,540 I was just gonna... that's exactly. 288 00:12:28,575 --> 00:12:30,342 Hey, uh, remember... remember-remember when... 289 00:12:30,376 --> 00:12:34,313 remember when... remember when Quicktime here 290 00:12:34,347 --> 00:12:36,431 passed out in this... in this booth... 291 00:12:36,466 --> 00:12:38,500 this booth, and we did stuff to him 292 00:12:38,535 --> 00:12:41,453 that you do to ladies and we-we promised 293 00:12:41,487 --> 00:12:42,721 we'd never tell you. 294 00:12:42,755 --> 00:12:43,889 Wha...? 295 00:12:43,923 --> 00:12:45,290 To the Clam! 296 00:12:45,325 --> 00:12:49,745 Joe, you-- wha... your hair looks stupid. 297 00:12:49,779 --> 00:12:51,346 All... all the greatest... 298 00:12:51,381 --> 00:12:53,115 all the greatest moments of my life, 299 00:12:53,149 --> 00:12:55,951 I spent right here in-in this booth. 300 00:12:55,985 --> 00:12:57,553 Maggie's first word. 301 00:12:57,587 --> 00:12:59,655 Bart jumping that canyon. 302 00:12:59,689 --> 00:13:00,789 Mr. Plow. 303 00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:03,025 All the greatest moments of my life. 304 00:13:03,059 --> 00:13:04,977 Why is... why is Label Guy 305 00:13:05,011 --> 00:13:06,778 trying to punch me? 306 00:13:06,813 --> 00:13:09,915 Punch you first, Label Guy. 307 00:13:09,949 --> 00:13:11,099 I got to go pee. 308 00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:12,935 I don't want to get up. 309 00:13:12,969 --> 00:13:14,469 Joe, where's the... that thing? 310 00:13:14,504 --> 00:13:16,405 Where's the thing? Where's the catheter thing? 311 00:13:16,439 --> 00:13:17,873 No, it's mine, it's private. 312 00:13:17,907 --> 00:13:20,242 Hey, what happens if I blow in this end? 313 00:13:20,276 --> 00:13:21,610 Don't, I'll 'splode. 314 00:13:21,644 --> 00:13:23,512 I'm gonna. 315 00:13:25,315 --> 00:13:28,083 You do it better than Bonnie. 316 00:13:28,117 --> 00:13:31,470 It takes a man to know what a man likes. 317 00:13:35,842 --> 00:13:37,809 Meg, the Dougan family called and they now want 318 00:13:37,844 --> 00:13:40,112 Mr. Dougan in a gray suit for the wake tomorrow. 319 00:13:40,146 --> 00:13:41,546 'Cause it so matters. 320 00:13:41,581 --> 00:13:43,015 Could you change his suit, please? 321 00:13:43,049 --> 00:13:45,984 Sure. I'll be back in a bit. 322 00:13:48,271 --> 00:13:51,540 Oh... my... God! 323 00:13:51,574 --> 00:13:53,508 All right, Chris, where is it? 324 00:13:53,543 --> 00:13:55,177 And don't try to act like 325 00:13:55,211 --> 00:13:56,778 you don't know what I'm talking about. 326 00:13:56,813 --> 00:13:58,447 Fine, you caught me. 327 00:13:58,481 --> 00:14:00,248 So I borrowed your bra. 328 00:14:00,266 --> 00:14:02,801 My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs! 329 00:14:02,835 --> 00:14:04,202 No, not that, you idiot. 330 00:14:04,237 --> 00:14:05,737 Where is the dead body? 331 00:14:05,772 --> 00:14:07,272 I know you took it. 332 00:14:07,307 --> 00:14:09,141 And don't lie, or I'll tell Jennifer Connelly 333 00:14:09,175 --> 00:14:10,815 that you're the one who's been mailing her 334 00:14:10,843 --> 00:14:11,910 those dog heads. 335 00:14:11,944 --> 00:14:15,213 Uh, yes, I'd like to mail this to a whore. 336 00:14:15,248 --> 00:14:16,848 Okay, fine, Meg! 337 00:14:16,883 --> 00:14:19,151 I used the body to get me into R-rated movies. 338 00:14:19,185 --> 00:14:20,552 After that, I took him swimming 339 00:14:20,586 --> 00:14:21,853 and he fell apart. 340 00:14:21,888 --> 00:14:24,122 Chris, Mr. Dougan's wake is tomorrow, 341 00:14:24,157 --> 00:14:26,858 and there's going to be a body in that casket. 342 00:14:26,893 --> 00:14:29,261 If it's not his, it's going to be yours. 343 00:14:29,295 --> 00:14:31,113 Hey, guys, what's goin' on? 344 00:14:31,147 --> 00:14:32,714 And no one says anything, 345 00:14:32,749 --> 00:14:35,200 which means they hate it. 346 00:14:39,489 --> 00:14:42,090 Oh, God. 347 00:14:42,125 --> 00:14:44,092 I am so hung over. 348 00:14:44,127 --> 00:14:45,260 Me, too. 349 00:14:45,294 --> 00:14:46,828 But luckily, when I'm hung over, 350 00:14:46,863 --> 00:14:48,764 I can just molt into another Peter. 351 00:14:51,868 --> 00:14:53,368 Wow, that's amazing. 352 00:14:53,403 --> 00:14:54,870 Yeah, but for the next ten minutes, 353 00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:56,538 I'll be very vulnerable to predators. 354 00:14:57,573 --> 00:14:58,540 Mountain lion. 355 00:14:58,574 --> 00:14:59,741 Make yourself look big! 356 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:05,480 What the hell? 357 00:15:07,116 --> 00:15:08,984 There's a bunch of bulldozers out there. 358 00:15:14,741 --> 00:15:16,625 Hold it, hold it! What-what's going on? 359 00:15:16,659 --> 00:15:18,009 We're here to demolish this building 360 00:15:18,044 --> 00:15:19,644 by order of the bank. 361 00:15:19,679 --> 00:15:21,012 Like hell you are! 362 00:15:21,047 --> 00:15:23,648 Wh-What are you talking about, Peter? 363 00:15:23,683 --> 00:15:25,517 We ain't goin' nowhere. 364 00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:27,502 This bar belongs to us. 365 00:15:29,338 --> 00:15:31,406 Ice cream truck! 366 00:15:33,176 --> 00:15:34,609 You didn't get any ice cream? 367 00:15:34,644 --> 00:15:36,311 The ice cream man was handsome. 368 00:15:36,345 --> 00:15:37,612 I got nervous. 369 00:15:46,718 --> 00:15:47,868 We interrupt this program 370 00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:50,004 for a Channel Five breaking news report. 371 00:15:50,038 --> 00:15:52,640 Three local men have barricaded themselves 372 00:15:52,674 --> 00:15:54,442 inside a Quahog bar, and are currently 373 00:15:54,476 --> 00:15:56,110 in a standoff with authorities. 374 00:15:56,144 --> 00:15:57,845 We now go live to Joyce Kinney, 375 00:15:57,879 --> 00:16:00,214 who attended her sister's wedding last night. 376 00:16:00,248 --> 00:16:01,215 Thanks, Tom. 377 00:16:01,249 --> 00:16:02,383 One of the suspects has been 378 00:16:02,417 --> 00:16:04,118 identified as Peter Griffin. 379 00:16:04,152 --> 00:16:05,453 But the real story is, 380 00:16:05,487 --> 00:16:06,637 I'd be married, too, 381 00:16:06,655 --> 00:16:08,606 if I were willing to date a Persian. 382 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,874 Guys, they found him. 383 00:16:09,908 --> 00:16:11,292 Don't bother with the posters. 384 00:16:11,326 --> 00:16:12,827 My God, what is Peter thinking?! 385 00:16:12,861 --> 00:16:15,196 Yes, he's crazy as a serial killer. 386 00:16:15,230 --> 00:16:17,598 All right, what do you want for your last meal? 387 00:16:17,632 --> 00:16:19,734 Uh, I think I'll just have a salad. 388 00:16:19,768 --> 00:16:20,801 Dressing on the side. 389 00:16:20,836 --> 00:16:23,137 I had a huge last lunch. 390 00:16:26,308 --> 00:16:27,892 All right, listen up in there! 391 00:16:27,926 --> 00:16:30,494 Let's not make this any harder than it has to be. 392 00:16:30,512 --> 00:16:32,546 We have a lot of dumb cops here. 393 00:16:32,581 --> 00:16:33,698 Guys, this is crazy. 394 00:16:33,732 --> 00:16:34,632 Plus, I'm a cop. 395 00:16:34,666 --> 00:16:36,067 I can't be a part of this. 396 00:16:36,101 --> 00:16:37,885 Come on, Joe, this is our bar. 397 00:16:37,919 --> 00:16:40,121 It's where the three of us made that suicide pact 398 00:16:40,155 --> 00:16:42,790 that Quagmire and I are gonna back out of at the last minute. 399 00:16:42,824 --> 00:16:44,959 I'm sorry, guys, but it's my job. 400 00:16:44,993 --> 00:16:47,395 I got a family to support. 401 00:16:47,446 --> 00:16:48,446 That jerk! 402 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:49,613 How could he desert us? 403 00:16:49,648 --> 00:16:51,415 Relax, Quagmire, he's just doing his job. 404 00:16:51,450 --> 00:16:52,683 You'll forgive him. 405 00:16:52,718 --> 00:16:54,952 Just like Kathleen Turner forgave her mirror. 406 00:16:54,986 --> 00:16:55,986 Sorry. 407 00:16:56,021 --> 00:16:58,155 Turns out you were right about me. 408 00:17:00,559 --> 00:17:01,792 Officer, wait! 409 00:17:01,827 --> 00:17:04,528 I'm his wife; give me that bullhorn. 410 00:17:04,563 --> 00:17:06,464 Peter, you get out here right now, 411 00:17:06,498 --> 00:17:08,065 or else I'm throwing away 412 00:17:08,100 --> 00:17:11,168 all of your Mr. Potato Heads, I swear. 413 00:17:11,203 --> 00:17:13,871 It's okay, she only knows where the decoys are. 414 00:17:13,905 --> 00:17:15,823 Swanson, there you are. 415 00:17:15,857 --> 00:17:17,675 Listen, you hang out at this dump. 416 00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:19,960 I want you to go in there and end this thing. 417 00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:21,262 I'll do my best, sir. 418 00:17:26,217 --> 00:17:27,601 This is our bar. 419 00:17:27,652 --> 00:17:30,070 It's the cornerstone of our friendship. 420 00:17:30,105 --> 00:17:31,655 Joe, this is Tim Gunn. 421 00:17:31,690 --> 00:17:33,157 I agree with your friend. 422 00:17:33,191 --> 00:17:36,143 I got to get that guy out of my head. 423 00:17:36,178 --> 00:17:38,112 Look, they're sending Joe in. 424 00:17:38,146 --> 00:17:40,498 All right, listen up, fellas. 425 00:17:40,532 --> 00:17:42,767 Joe, wait, put your gun down. 426 00:17:42,801 --> 00:17:44,869 There's no point in fighting anymore. 427 00:17:44,903 --> 00:17:46,837 We'll leave quietly. 428 00:17:46,872 --> 00:17:48,339 Like hell you will. 429 00:17:48,373 --> 00:17:49,607 This is our Clam, 430 00:17:49,641 --> 00:17:52,543 and we are not gonna let them take it. 431 00:17:52,577 --> 00:17:55,045 Yay! All right! All right! Yeah! 432 00:17:56,047 --> 00:17:58,065 We love Joe! 433 00:17:58,099 --> 00:18:00,785 Swanson, what the hell's going on in here? 434 00:18:00,819 --> 00:18:02,069 I'm sorry, Chief. 435 00:18:02,103 --> 00:18:04,572 I just can't let them bulldoze this building. 436 00:18:04,606 --> 00:18:06,207 Hey, Joe, is this the same chief 437 00:18:06,241 --> 00:18:07,842 whose wife is a real hog? 438 00:18:07,876 --> 00:18:09,343 Swanson, don't be a fool. 439 00:18:09,377 --> 00:18:11,712 You really want to throw away your career on this? 440 00:18:11,746 --> 00:18:13,481 Guys, your bar is gone. 441 00:18:13,515 --> 00:18:14,982 And since it's bank property, 442 00:18:15,016 --> 00:18:18,269 I have no choice but to place you all under arrest. 443 00:18:18,303 --> 00:18:20,738 It ain't bank property no more. 444 00:18:23,475 --> 00:18:25,509 Jerome?! What are you doing here? 445 00:18:25,544 --> 00:18:27,211 Listen, it's kind of all my fault 446 00:18:27,245 --> 00:18:28,679 this happened in the first place. 447 00:18:28,713 --> 00:18:31,182 I'm responsible for Horace's death. 448 00:18:31,216 --> 00:18:33,384 Plus, as a former athlete, it's my responsibility 449 00:18:33,418 --> 00:18:36,821 to invest my earnings in a restaurant, bar, 450 00:18:36,855 --> 00:18:37,988 or car dealership. 451 00:18:38,023 --> 00:18:39,323 What sport did you play? 452 00:18:39,357 --> 00:18:40,324 Lacrosse. 453 00:18:40,358 --> 00:18:42,359 Which is also my brother's name. 454 00:18:42,394 --> 00:18:44,495 Look, I felt bad about what I did to Horace. 455 00:18:44,529 --> 00:18:46,263 So, when I heard on the news 456 00:18:46,298 --> 00:18:47,731 that they were tearing down his bar, 457 00:18:47,766 --> 00:18:51,035 I saw buying it as a way to carry on Horace's legacy. 458 00:18:51,069 --> 00:18:53,470 So I own the Clam now. 459 00:18:53,505 --> 00:18:55,573 Chief, you can call off your cops. 460 00:18:55,607 --> 00:18:58,475 And you can send those bulldozers home. 461 00:18:58,510 --> 00:19:00,144 Yay, the Clam is saved! 462 00:19:00,178 --> 00:19:02,012 Yeah! All right. 463 00:19:02,047 --> 00:19:03,280 We pulled it off, guys. 464 00:19:03,315 --> 00:19:04,598 Oh, thank God. 465 00:19:04,633 --> 00:19:06,500 And all because I believed in myself 466 00:19:06,535 --> 00:19:08,536 like Pop-Pop always said. 467 00:19:08,587 --> 00:19:10,621 Please give me rat poison, 468 00:19:10,655 --> 00:19:12,623 I want only to die. 469 00:19:12,657 --> 00:19:15,643 No, we did it, Pop-Pop. 470 00:19:18,847 --> 00:19:20,598 Meg, the family is here 471 00:19:20,632 --> 00:19:21,782 for Mr. Dougan's wake, 472 00:19:21,816 --> 00:19:24,168 so could you please bring in the body? 473 00:19:24,202 --> 00:19:26,337 Meg, I'm not doing this. 474 00:19:26,371 --> 00:19:27,504 You have to, Chris. 475 00:19:27,539 --> 00:19:29,590 Siblings have to look out for each other. 476 00:19:29,624 --> 00:19:30,958 Like the Mannings. 477 00:19:30,992 --> 00:19:33,427 Eli, you threw for three touchdowns today, 478 00:19:33,461 --> 00:19:36,163 which isn't bad, except Peyton had four. 479 00:19:36,197 --> 00:19:38,799 Well, Cooper got pre-approved for a Visa card today. 480 00:19:38,833 --> 00:19:41,468 Come on, guys, we all had a good day. 481 00:19:46,174 --> 00:19:47,474 Stop it. 482 00:19:47,509 --> 00:19:48,776 I have an itch. 483 00:19:48,810 --> 00:19:50,244 I don't care. 484 00:19:50,278 --> 00:19:52,079 Dead people don't scratch their balls. 485 00:19:52,113 --> 00:19:53,330 Well, I can't help it. 486 00:19:53,365 --> 00:19:54,865 It's these damn wool pants. 487 00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:56,216 I'm going bananas. 488 00:19:56,251 --> 00:19:58,419 If I can't scratch them, you have to. 489 00:19:58,453 --> 00:20:00,087 Shh! 490 00:20:02,557 --> 00:20:05,292 Just, uh, straightening out his pants a little. 491 00:20:05,327 --> 00:20:07,561 Oh, yeah... yeah, that's good. 492 00:20:07,596 --> 00:20:09,563 Scratch it. Scratch it. 493 00:20:09,598 --> 00:20:11,532 Oh, thank you. 494 00:20:11,566 --> 00:20:14,268 Hello, I'm Helen Dougan. 495 00:20:14,302 --> 00:20:16,387 My husband had filled out an organ donor card 496 00:20:16,421 --> 00:20:17,588 before he passed away, 497 00:20:17,622 --> 00:20:21,325 and a woman just lost her face in a freak accident. 498 00:20:24,829 --> 00:20:28,832 Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning. 499 00:20:32,203 --> 00:20:33,871 Wow, Jerome, the place looks great. 500 00:20:33,905 --> 00:20:35,906 Yeah, look at you, owning a bar. 501 00:20:35,941 --> 00:20:37,541 You guys are doing pretty good. 502 00:20:37,575 --> 00:20:39,476 First you get to run Somalia, now this. 503 00:20:39,511 --> 00:20:40,611 Well, it sure is good 504 00:20:40,645 --> 00:20:42,179 to be back in the old Clam. 505 00:20:42,213 --> 00:20:44,515 Hey, there's some guys sitting in our booth. 506 00:20:46,117 --> 00:20:48,118 Maybe we should tell them it's our booth. 507 00:20:48,153 --> 00:20:50,522 Uh-huh. Or we could just sit on the floor, 508 00:20:50,547 --> 00:20:51,837 next to these garbage cans. 509 00:20:51,937 --> 00:20:56,937 == sync, corrected by elderman ==