1 00:00:02,394 --> 00:00:04,652 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,731 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,824 --> 00:00:11,343 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,495 --> 00:00:14,346 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,498 --> 00:00:17,832 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:21,411 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,855 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:24,172 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:30,771 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:34,074 -(bell tolling) -(organ music playing) 11 00:00:45,437 --> 00:00:47,963 (Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing) 12 00:00:56,465 --> 00:00:58,448 STEWIE: Meet Alana Fitzgerald. 13 00:00:58,467 --> 00:01:00,708 How she got here is quite a tale. 14 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:02,286 And I'm here to tell it to you. 15 00:01:02,304 --> 00:01:04,638 I'll tell you all about Alana. 16 00:01:04,732 --> 00:01:06,231 And who am I? 17 00:01:06,458 --> 00:01:09,050 I'm Stewie, the talking baby from Family Guy. 18 00:01:09,128 --> 00:01:10,794 Do you really not know that? 19 00:01:10,813 --> 00:01:12,237 And now to our tale. 20 00:01:12,389 --> 00:01:15,557 It started innocently enough late last month. 21 00:01:15,651 --> 00:01:18,327 ♪ ♪ 22 00:01:19,896 --> 00:01:21,246 (ends with flourish) 23 00:01:21,473 --> 00:01:23,323 Oh, Alana, this lesson has been a treat. 24 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,325 You were always the best student. 25 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,327 And you were always the only teacher in town 26 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:30,330 who didn't rest a hand on my knee while I played. 27 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,666 (chuckles): It's okay. I'm not a teacher. 28 00:01:32,818 --> 00:01:34,093 Chris, go to your room. 29 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,487 Sure thing, Mom. Just one more sniff of Finesse. 30 00:01:37,489 --> 00:01:39,747 (sniffs loudly) 31 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,017 (exhales) 32 00:01:44,012 --> 00:01:45,662 As you were. 33 00:01:45,681 --> 00:01:48,165 Alana, it's been five years since you graduated, 34 00:01:48,258 --> 00:01:50,091 and still no college plans? 35 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:52,169 I still want to audition for Juilliard, 36 00:01:52,262 --> 00:01:55,672 but I still can't afford the $1,200 application fee. 37 00:01:55,765 --> 00:01:57,341 Oh, you're not gonna tell me you can't pay 38 00:01:57,434 --> 00:01:59,192 the seven dollars for today's lesson? 39 00:01:59,361 --> 00:02:00,786 'Cause that's our sandwich money. 40 00:02:01,013 --> 00:02:03,622 Will there be sandwiches then, miss? 41 00:02:03,699 --> 00:02:06,516 ♪ ♪ 42 00:02:06,535 --> 00:02:08,610 Peter, can I talk to you about Alana? 43 00:02:08,687 --> 00:02:09,944 I have an idea. 44 00:02:10,038 --> 00:02:11,446 You can talk about anything you want, 45 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:13,373 as long as you shout it over the Patriots game. 46 00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:15,300 SPORTSCASTER: Critical third and seven for Mac Jones... 47 00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:17,377 I just feel really bad for her. 48 00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,138 You know, she's so talented, but she doesn't 49 00:02:19,247 --> 00:02:21,031 have the money to apply to colleges. 50 00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:22,790 -And it's a fumble! -Oh, no. 51 00:02:22,810 --> 00:02:25,310 I know, it's sad. And that's where I think we can help. 52 00:02:25,479 --> 00:02:28,038 -Somehow Mac Jones fell on it. -Come on, the clock is ticking. 53 00:02:28,056 --> 00:02:30,632 Well, I just think we could hire her to help around the house. 54 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,042 You know, with the laundry, 55 00:02:32,060 --> 00:02:33,819 driving the kids to school, all that stuff. 56 00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:35,228 -...for a touchdown! -Yes! 57 00:02:35,397 --> 00:02:37,731 Thank you, Peter. I knew you'd understand. 58 00:02:37,883 --> 00:02:40,884 Man, it just really sucks when you're playing from behind. 59 00:02:40,886 --> 00:02:44,329 Exactly. That's why I'm so happy to help her out. 60 00:02:44,481 --> 00:02:46,390 You know, I think we'll both sleep better tonight. 61 00:02:46,408 --> 00:02:48,575 And the Patriots set up on defense. 62 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,335 PETER: Go for the sack! 63 00:02:50,562 --> 00:02:53,230 Well, you did agree to the Alana thing. 64 00:02:53,323 --> 00:02:55,248 Mm, where's my clothespin? 65 00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:58,177 STEWIE: This gross encounter sealed the deal. 66 00:02:58,328 --> 00:03:00,679 And just like that, Alana was welcomed 67 00:03:00,906 --> 00:03:02,514 as a member of our family. 68 00:03:02,666 --> 00:03:05,017 ♪ ♪ 69 00:03:06,094 --> 00:03:08,336 -(doorbell rings) -Oh, that must be Alana. 70 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,689 What are you, the Amazing Kreskin? 71 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:13,025 Just open the damn door. 72 00:03:14,086 --> 00:03:16,028 Ah! Welcome, Alana. 73 00:03:16,179 --> 00:03:18,030 Oh, thank you, Lois. 74 00:03:18,181 --> 00:03:20,032 Are you sure this is okay? 75 00:03:20,201 --> 00:03:22,201 "Okay"? It's wonderful. 76 00:03:22,352 --> 00:03:24,428 Come on, meet the rest of the family. 77 00:03:24,446 --> 00:03:26,279 Now, of course, you know Chris. 78 00:03:26,432 --> 00:03:28,281 Hi, Chris. Good to see you again. 79 00:03:28,434 --> 00:03:30,191 And it will be good to see you again 80 00:03:30,285 --> 00:03:32,294 through the bathroom keyhole. 81 00:03:33,439 --> 00:03:35,863 That was not original to the house. 82 00:03:35,958 --> 00:03:37,123 Hi. I'm Peter. 83 00:03:37,276 --> 00:03:39,367 I enjoy middle-of-the-night hallway cereal. 84 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:42,054 I'm Meg. Don't touch my drum set, or you're dead meat. 85 00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:45,373 STEWIE: No one had ever heard of Meg's drum set before this moment. 86 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:48,785 Oh, Lois, you're so lucky to have such a beautiful family. 87 00:03:48,804 --> 00:03:50,378 I didn't grow up with any of this. 88 00:03:50,472 --> 00:03:52,064 Let me show you where you'll be staying, 89 00:03:52,215 --> 00:03:53,807 and you can get settled in. 90 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,883 Oh, there's plenty of time for that. 91 00:03:55,961 --> 00:03:57,218 Let me get started on dinner. 92 00:03:57,312 --> 00:03:59,813 I was thinking tacos and nachos? 93 00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,573 Well, sounds good to me. 94 00:04:01,766 --> 00:04:02,908 What do you think, Peter? 95 00:04:03,059 --> 00:04:04,910 I just arrived in my pants. 96 00:04:05,079 --> 00:04:07,079 (all cheering) 97 00:04:07,306 --> 00:04:09,823 STEWIE: That night, we all ate tacos and nachos 98 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,309 that were so good, we stood and cheered. 99 00:04:12,327 --> 00:04:14,478 We were the envy of the neighborhood. 100 00:04:14,496 --> 00:04:15,829 Here, Joe. 101 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,131 Barely thawed trout and white rice. 102 00:04:20,243 --> 00:04:23,336 This trout's the lucky one. It's over for him. 103 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:25,747 -What's that, Joe? -Thanks, Bon. Looks terrific. 104 00:04:25,841 --> 00:04:28,508 ♪ ♪ 105 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,678 Did you guys know you have a pool in the backyard? 106 00:04:31,830 --> 00:04:33,921 It was just overgrown with grass and weeds. 107 00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:35,832 PETER: Cannonball! 108 00:04:35,925 --> 00:04:37,276 There's no water in it, though. 109 00:04:37,427 --> 00:04:39,278 PETER (audio rewinding): Llabnonnac! 110 00:04:39,429 --> 00:04:41,095 Phew. That was a close one. 111 00:04:41,264 --> 00:04:43,857 You know, Alana, I confess I wasn't sure 112 00:04:44,009 --> 00:04:47,435 how this was going to work out, but you've been terrific. 113 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:49,513 Uh, you're just too good to be true. 114 00:04:49,531 --> 00:04:51,181 STEWIE: Too good to be true. 115 00:04:51,199 --> 00:04:53,183 Like a single Jewish doctor. 116 00:04:53,201 --> 00:04:55,519 Hello? Where are you? 117 00:04:55,612 --> 00:04:58,630 Doctors can be girls, too, so shut up. 118 00:04:58,857 --> 00:05:01,282 Yes, everything seemed perfect in our household, 119 00:05:01,376 --> 00:05:04,210 but sometimes things aren't what they seem. 120 00:05:04,363 --> 00:05:06,305 We'd been so conditioned into believing 121 00:05:06,456 --> 00:05:09,215 our mother's life was empty, we couldn't even fathom the idea 122 00:05:09,368 --> 00:05:11,417 that another person would want it. 123 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:13,645 It was a real All About Eve moment. 124 00:05:13,797 --> 00:05:17,707 Or, if you're under 70, a real Single White Female moment. 125 00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:21,061 Or, if you're under 50, a real Swimfan moment. 126 00:05:21,229 --> 00:05:23,713 Or, if you're Black, the Beyoncé movie Obsessed, 127 00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:26,399 which I haven't seen but hear real good things about. 128 00:05:26,476 --> 00:05:28,401 Yes, Alana was a regular Lisa, 129 00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:29,995 which is the character from Obsessed, 130 00:05:30,222 --> 00:05:31,555 which I just looked up. 131 00:05:31,573 --> 00:05:33,498 (imitating Lois): Stewie, eat your vegetables. 132 00:05:33,725 --> 00:05:36,251 STEWIE (chuckling): Okay, that's pretty good, but I'm onto you. 133 00:05:40,749 --> 00:05:43,258 ♪ ♪ 134 00:05:44,661 --> 00:05:47,346 (birds chirping) 135 00:05:50,351 --> 00:05:52,075 Oh, 8:15. 136 00:05:52,094 --> 00:05:54,411 Well, that's much later than I usually wake up, 137 00:05:54,429 --> 00:05:57,689 but at least I won't react like a character in an '80s mov... 138 00:05:57,916 --> 00:05:59,841 8:15?! 139 00:05:59,935 --> 00:06:02,527 (upbeat music playing) 140 00:06:14,783 --> 00:06:16,023 (panting) 141 00:06:16,118 --> 00:06:17,300 I am so sorry. 142 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:19,285 I didn't realize how late it was. 143 00:06:19,362 --> 00:06:21,195 You guys must be starving. 144 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:23,607 Wha... What's all this? 145 00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:25,108 Oh, good morning, Lois. 146 00:06:25,127 --> 00:06:26,776 I thought I'd let you sleep in. 147 00:06:26,795 --> 00:06:28,778 Oh, that's nice. 148 00:06:28,872 --> 00:06:30,630 -Where's Peter? -Oh, he's here. 149 00:06:30,782 --> 00:06:32,949 He's just in the kid phase of the Mini-Wheats cycle. 150 00:06:32,968 --> 00:06:35,802 The shrinking process was incredibly painful. 151 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,230 Mom, she made us eggs with falafel. 152 00:06:38,457 --> 00:06:41,233 Or, as she calls it, "falafel à la Alana." 153 00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:43,476 It's hard to say, but they're delicious. 154 00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:46,813 I take adult-sized poops, but I have kid-sized parts. 155 00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:48,723 I could die from this. 156 00:06:48,817 --> 00:06:52,152 Yeah, that's-that's part of why I don't let Peter do that. 157 00:06:52,304 --> 00:06:53,987 But you know what, I'm glad you guys 158 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,747 are all enjoying Alana so much. 159 00:06:55,974 --> 00:06:57,307 Oh, she's the best. 160 00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,419 In fact, Alana and I stayed up all night scissoring. 161 00:07:00,570 --> 00:07:02,812 Wow, Meg, you're really good at this. 162 00:07:02,831 --> 00:07:06,240 Yeah, I had an older babysitter who kind of showed me how. 163 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:08,075 (gasps) Hey, maybe after this, 164 00:07:08,137 --> 00:07:09,819 we can get out the cribbage board 165 00:07:09,913 --> 00:07:11,096 and work on our pegging. 166 00:07:11,323 --> 00:07:13,323 WEST: I'm Mayor Wild West, 167 00:07:13,341 --> 00:07:15,842 and my neighbor's kid had to explain this to me. 168 00:07:15,994 --> 00:07:20,013 Guess, this week, it's church on Sunday and Wednesday. 169 00:07:20,165 --> 00:07:22,832 But anyway, back to our tale. 170 00:07:22,851 --> 00:07:25,426 STEWIE: The dominoes were falling one by one. 171 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:29,022 Especially Peter, who found Alana to be a sheer delight. 172 00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:30,782 That will be more clear when you see 173 00:07:30,934 --> 00:07:32,509 how she's about to be dressed. 174 00:07:32,527 --> 00:07:34,953 -(rustling) -Santa? 175 00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:37,456 I can almost see your bum through your nightgown. 176 00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:39,624 STEWIE: Any time Peter saw someone at 2:00 a.m., 177 00:07:39,776 --> 00:07:41,518 he assumed it was Santa. 178 00:07:41,611 --> 00:07:43,036 Alana? 179 00:07:43,188 --> 00:07:44,629 What are you doing up so nipples? 180 00:07:44,781 --> 00:07:47,357 Sorry, I was just cleaning out the freezer. 181 00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:49,025 Okay, any Popsicles that say 182 00:07:49,044 --> 00:07:51,027 "property of Peter Griffin" are mine. 183 00:07:51,046 --> 00:07:53,955 Got it. You see anything else you like? 184 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,558 I can think of one or two things. 185 00:07:58,127 --> 00:08:00,036 Did you enjoy your five-course meal? 186 00:08:00,129 --> 00:08:02,555 (laughs) I wouldn't consider an amuse-bouche 187 00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:04,374 a full course unto itself. 188 00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:06,634 (sighs) I guess you're right. 189 00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,728 Hey, maybe we could split a Popsicle for dessert. 190 00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,731 Yeah, sure, if any of them have your name on 'em, help yourself. 191 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:14,809 ♪ ♪ 192 00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,144 Hey, thanks for taking me to the dog park, Lois. 193 00:08:17,239 --> 00:08:19,572 Well, now that we have Alana, I've got more time 194 00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,541 to do stuff like this. 195 00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:25,653 Can I be honest with you, Brian? 196 00:08:25,747 --> 00:08:27,080 Hmm. That's what a woman says 197 00:08:27,232 --> 00:08:28,898 before she trashes another woman. 198 00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:31,134 I'm a little worried about Alana. 199 00:08:32,829 --> 00:08:34,513 I mean, the kids seem to like her, 200 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,072 and she's good at her job, 201 00:08:36,165 --> 00:08:38,499 but maybe a little too good, you know? 202 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,093 I don't know, she seems cool to me. 203 00:08:40,262 --> 00:08:42,687 I mean, yes, I know, she's very sweet. 204 00:08:42,764 --> 00:08:44,414 (grunts) 205 00:08:44,432 --> 00:08:47,675 But sometimes I feel like maybe she's after something. 206 00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,602 I just don't know what it is. 207 00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,254 (panting) 208 00:08:51,273 --> 00:08:53,014 Well, maybe you're right. 209 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,425 I'll tell you what, I'll talk to Alana 210 00:08:55,427 --> 00:08:57,369 and try to sniff out what's going on with her. 211 00:08:57,596 --> 00:08:58,870 Oh, thanks, Brian. 212 00:08:59,022 --> 00:09:00,430 I'd appreciate that. 213 00:09:00,448 --> 00:09:02,374 I'll tell you, I'm starting to wish I never... 214 00:09:02,601 --> 00:09:04,084 (grunts): hired her! 215 00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:06,603 (panting) 216 00:09:06,772 --> 00:09:08,454 Hey, sorry about that. 217 00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:10,957 Well, looks like Lois is plenty threatened 218 00:09:11,075 --> 00:09:14,277 by that new girl who moved in, I tell you what. 219 00:09:14,296 --> 00:09:16,304 ♪ ♪ 220 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,950 Wow. Dusting the den, huh? 221 00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:23,228 You're really going the whole 8.2 meters. 222 00:09:23,379 --> 00:09:25,230 -What? -Oh, sorry, nine yards. 223 00:09:25,457 --> 00:09:27,214 I just read so many European authors, 224 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,733 I slip into metric sometimes. 225 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,795 Anyway, Alana, could you do me a favour-- with a "U"-- 226 00:09:31,888 --> 00:09:33,980 and maybe do a little less housework? 227 00:09:34,132 --> 00:09:36,891 Less housework? But that's why Lois hired me. 228 00:09:36,985 --> 00:09:39,744 Well, I worry Lois might be feeling a little displaced 229 00:09:39,896 --> 00:09:42,414 since you've been doing so much around the house lately. 230 00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:44,231 Oh, I'm so sorry. 231 00:09:44,326 --> 00:09:46,326 I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable. 232 00:09:46,494 --> 00:09:49,329 Hey, maybe we should discuss this while I brush your fur. 233 00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,314 Okay, I see what you're doing. 234 00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:52,999 This kind of stuff may have worked with the kids, 235 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,409 but I kind of look out for Lois in a way that they don't. 236 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:58,096 And believe me, Alana, I can get pretty mean if I want to. 237 00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,266 (laughing): Oh, Brian, that's adorable. 238 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,935 And I love that you're so protective, but come on. 239 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,104 We all know you're just a big sweetheart. 240 00:10:06,255 --> 00:10:08,589 And even if you were able to be mean to me, 241 00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:10,257 I'd still be loving you. 242 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,352 Yeah, well... "Loving," you say? 243 00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:14,170 (plays intro to "I'll Be Loving You") 244 00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:17,023 -♪ I'll be lovin' you ♪ -When? 245 00:10:17,175 --> 00:10:18,858 ♪ Cloudy days or sunny ♪ 246 00:10:19,010 --> 00:10:21,194 -♪ Lovin' you ♪ -Are you sure? 247 00:10:21,346 --> 00:10:23,104 ♪ That's a promise, honey ♪ 248 00:10:23,181 --> 00:10:26,791 ♪ When your kiss can no longer pack a thrill ♪ 249 00:10:26,943 --> 00:10:28,835 -(smooches) -Nothin'. 250 00:10:28,945 --> 00:10:32,988 ♪ I'll still be lovin' you ♪ 251 00:10:32,990 --> 00:10:35,541 -♪ I'll be huggin' you ♪ -How? 252 00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:38,953 ♪ Like a baby panda, kissin' you ♪ 253 00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,622 -Where? -♪ On your old veranda ♪ 254 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:45,292 ♪ When your charm, dear, is absolutely nil ♪ 255 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,396 ♪ Yeah, I know, you'll still be lovin' me ♪ 256 00:10:50,041 --> 00:10:52,041 ♪ Billin', cooin' ♪ 257 00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:54,043 ♪ You, I'll keep pursuin' ♪ 258 00:10:54,062 --> 00:10:56,212 ♪ Always lovin' ♪ 259 00:10:56,231 --> 00:10:58,305 ♪ Hotter than a baker's oven ♪ 260 00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,824 -Get out of here! -(yelps) 261 00:11:00,051 --> 00:11:02,309 ♪ This is true ♪ 262 00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,145 ♪ Let no one deny it ♪ 263 00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,406 ♪ I'll want you ♪ 264 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,241 ♪ Till I'm still and quiet ♪ 265 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:12,078 ♪ When my friends carry me across the hill ♪ 266 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,673 ♪ I'll still be lovin' ♪ 267 00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:16,900 ♪ Turtledovin' ♪ 268 00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:20,920 ♪ Still be lovin' you. ♪ 269 00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:23,256 Wow, you've got some pipes. 270 00:11:23,408 --> 00:11:26,292 But about Lois... I'm still worried she's unhappy. 271 00:11:26,444 --> 00:11:29,095 Unhappy? What's there to be unhappy about? 272 00:11:29,247 --> 00:11:31,097 (plays intro to "Ain't We Got Fun") 273 00:11:31,249 --> 00:11:34,008 ♪ Every morning, every evening ♪ 274 00:11:34,102 --> 00:11:36,510 ♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪ 275 00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:40,181 ♪ Not much money, oh, but, honey ♪ 276 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,200 ♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪ 277 00:11:42,427 --> 00:11:44,610 STEWIE: Despite Brian's initial skepticism, 278 00:11:44,763 --> 00:11:47,372 they sang 19 numbers from the American songbook, 279 00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:48,781 and he was sold. 280 00:11:48,858 --> 00:11:52,526 Alana's victory over our family was complete, 281 00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:57,457 and Lois realized she needed to take matters into her own hands. 282 00:11:57,609 --> 00:11:59,125 Oh, hey, Loni. 283 00:11:59,277 --> 00:12:01,052 Uh-oh, she's trying to assert dominance 284 00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:02,870 by creating a fake nickname. 285 00:12:02,964 --> 00:12:04,889 I see you're giving a bath to the Stew-Man. 286 00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:06,299 She does it to me, too. 287 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:09,285 So, I was thinking, since you're so close 288 00:12:09,304 --> 00:12:12,305 to making the $1,200 you need for Juilliard, 289 00:12:12,457 --> 00:12:14,381 why don't I just throw in the difference for this week 290 00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,627 and get you on your way, huh? 291 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:18,978 Thanks, Lois. 292 00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:21,147 I'm so excited for you to spread your wings 293 00:12:21,299 --> 00:12:23,149 and pursue your dreams. 294 00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:24,650 She wants you out of here. 295 00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,393 This is so generous, Lois. 296 00:12:26,488 --> 00:12:29,247 I'll be on my way first thing in the morning. 297 00:12:31,476 --> 00:12:33,918 Okay, you're all done, little man. 298 00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:37,146 All right, let's do backside first, 299 00:12:37,165 --> 00:12:39,424 get the heavy lifting out of the way. 300 00:12:39,575 --> 00:12:41,242 ♪ ♪ 301 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,927 STEWIE: Lois thought the $1,200 302 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,763 had gotten Alana out of her life, 303 00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:46,839 but it was the other way around. 304 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,841 Here's $1,200. 305 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:51,252 I want Lois Griffin dead by morning. 306 00:12:51,346 --> 00:12:53,021 ♪ ♪ 307 00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:57,683 Whoa. I can finally send my nephew to Juilliard. 308 00:12:57,836 --> 00:12:59,110 He plays the melodica. 309 00:12:59,262 --> 00:13:01,613 -Really? Is he any good? -You tell me. 310 00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:04,857 He did the opening fanfare for 20th Century Fox. 311 00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,160 (drumbeat plays) 312 00:13:09,438 --> 00:13:12,457 (fanfare plays discordantly on melodica) 313 00:13:27,957 --> 00:13:30,391 ♪ ♪ 314 00:13:33,371 --> 00:13:34,813 (yawns) 315 00:13:35,965 --> 00:13:38,224 Good morning, Chris. Good morning, Meg. 316 00:13:38,376 --> 00:13:40,485 Good morning, Loi... Lois?! 317 00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:41,802 ♪ ♪ 318 00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:43,137 My clothes were in the wash, 319 00:13:43,231 --> 00:13:45,306 so I borrowed your clothes and Peter's bra. 320 00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,826 Boy, my morning jog was murder. 321 00:13:47,977 --> 00:13:50,403 But, Alana, why is your hair red? 322 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,055 I decided to dye it. 323 00:13:52,148 --> 00:13:53,906 I'm a huge Kathy Griffin fan. 324 00:13:54,059 --> 00:13:55,316 Well, that doesn't add up. 325 00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:57,318 No one is a huge Kathy Griffin fan. 326 00:13:57,412 --> 00:14:00,988 I beg to differ. Sometimes comedy is just energy. 327 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:04,133 And who cut my head out of these family photos? 328 00:14:05,236 --> 00:14:06,736 Sorry, that was me. 329 00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:08,996 Alana and I did some scissoring last night. 330 00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:11,349 (chuckles) Is that so? 331 00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:14,369 Oh, we were just having a little fun and got carried away. 332 00:14:14,371 --> 00:14:16,503 Tell you what, I'll fix all the pictures 333 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,915 as soon as I get back from doing the groceries. 334 00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:20,583 (groans) 335 00:14:20,602 --> 00:14:23,010 I do the groceries, Alana. 336 00:14:23,104 --> 00:14:25,438 You won't like me when I'm groceries. 337 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,256 (inhales deeply) 338 00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:29,016 When I get back from the market, 339 00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,444 I think it's best if you're gone. 340 00:14:31,596 --> 00:14:33,371 I understand. 341 00:14:35,691 --> 00:14:37,617 And don't worry, Lois. 342 00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:41,880 After today, I promise you will never see me again. 343 00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:44,465 ♪ ♪ 344 00:14:48,446 --> 00:14:50,889 All right, let's check the grocery list. 345 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,966 Dozen eggs, orange juice, bread, 346 00:14:54,119 --> 00:14:56,135 and one Sara Lee cheesecake I will take 347 00:14:56,287 --> 00:14:58,287 tiny finger pinches of all the way home 348 00:14:58,306 --> 00:15:00,289 and then throw in the outside trash. 349 00:15:00,383 --> 00:15:03,359 Oh, God, I love shopping! 350 00:15:05,888 --> 00:15:08,055 (gasps) What's this? 351 00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:10,241 "Newer"? "Fancier"? 352 00:15:10,393 --> 00:15:11,701 (sighs) 353 00:15:14,897 --> 00:15:16,397 LOIS: What the hell? 354 00:15:16,565 --> 00:15:18,641 All they sell here is rope and body bags? 355 00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,643 I... Uh-oh. 356 00:15:20,662 --> 00:15:22,629 ♪ ♪ 357 00:15:25,074 --> 00:15:27,592 You guys, I just found this note from Mom. 358 00:15:27,819 --> 00:15:30,094 "Dear family, I've decided to leave you all 359 00:15:30,321 --> 00:15:31,837 and become a lesbian." 360 00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,264 Wait, we can just do that? 361 00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:35,491 Dad, how did this happen? 362 00:15:35,493 --> 00:15:37,009 I blame myself. 363 00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,253 Because of my fat, I can't be on top. 364 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,255 STEWIE: The whole family was so alarmed 365 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,257 that no one noticed Alana at the piano 366 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,276 practicing Lois's part of the theme song. 367 00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:49,505 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 368 00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:52,766 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 369 00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,994 (melody continues on piano) 370 00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:59,198 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 371 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,085 ♪ ♪ 372 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,634 Stop! Why are you doing this?! 373 00:16:09,861 --> 00:16:11,694 Is this related to the virtual stranger 374 00:16:11,863 --> 00:16:14,639 I let take over my life and family this past week? 375 00:16:14,866 --> 00:16:16,623 -Please! -Shut up. 376 00:16:16,718 --> 00:16:18,201 We're taking you to die. 377 00:16:18,219 --> 00:16:20,703 -Well, are we there yet? -No. 378 00:16:20,722 --> 00:16:23,314 -Are we there yet? -No! God. 379 00:16:23,466 --> 00:16:25,224 -Just give her the iPad. -No. 380 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,134 The book says kidnap victims are getting 381 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,820 too much screen time these days. 382 00:16:29,047 --> 00:16:31,030 They bond with the iPad, not with us. 383 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,329 (door opens) 384 00:16:38,556 --> 00:16:39,480 (gasps) 385 00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,724 Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! 386 00:16:41,743 --> 00:16:43,242 -Yeah? -Please. 387 00:16:43,394 --> 00:16:44,985 Please don't let two white women 388 00:16:45,154 --> 00:16:47,505 make a podcast about my disappearance. 389 00:16:47,656 --> 00:16:50,174 (screaming) 390 00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:52,301 ♪ ♪ 391 00:16:54,255 --> 00:16:56,347 Kids, now that your mother is gone, 392 00:16:56,499 --> 00:16:58,683 I want you to be prepared for a lot of pee 393 00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,685 on the floor next to the toilet. 394 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,003 This is a speech no father should ever 395 00:17:03,097 --> 00:17:04,689 have to give his children. 396 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,082 I don't think you guys understand 397 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,692 what a huge loss this is. 398 00:17:07,843 --> 00:17:10,010 Oh, I fully understand, Brian. 399 00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,530 Lois is an angel. She's my soul mate. 400 00:17:12,757 --> 00:17:15,925 There's never been another Lois, and there never will be. 401 00:17:15,927 --> 00:17:17,610 Not for me. 402 00:17:17,762 --> 00:17:19,520 She's irreplaceable. 403 00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:20,854 (stomach gurgling) 404 00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,707 Hey, Dad, what's for dinner tonight? 405 00:17:22,784 --> 00:17:24,417 (gasps) 406 00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:28,120 STEWIE: And so we return to where we began: 407 00:17:28,273 --> 00:17:31,440 with Alana and her rather twisted path to the altar. 408 00:17:31,459 --> 00:17:33,551 (Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" playing) 409 00:17:35,146 --> 00:17:37,263 (frantic, discordant music playing) 410 00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:42,468 STEWIE: It's a very logistically kooky church. 411 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,379 We have gathered today suspiciously quickly 412 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:48,457 to celebrate the union of this man and this woman. 413 00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:51,644 Now, before we begin, let me just say that yes, 414 00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,406 I am the priest from YouTube who plays the guitar. 415 00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:57,224 Pretty cool priest. 416 00:17:57,318 --> 00:17:59,726 You can also catch me playing Fortnite on Twitch. 417 00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:02,471 Now, I understand Peter has written his own vows. 418 00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:05,083 -QUAGMIRE: Oh, no! -Yes, I have. 419 00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,418 And I'm definitely not just reusing the vows 420 00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:10,646 I said to Lois when we got married in the late '90s. 421 00:18:10,648 --> 00:18:13,149 "Dear Lois: Whassup? 422 00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:14,759 "You're the love of my life. 423 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,577 Yada yada yada, I'm hungry." 424 00:18:16,671 --> 00:18:18,504 Unless anyone has a reason why these two 425 00:18:18,656 --> 00:18:20,673 should not be married, I hereby... 426 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,226 (Lois screaming in distance) 427 00:18:23,995 --> 00:18:24,844 (grunts) 428 00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,512 Wait! Stop! 429 00:18:26,664 --> 00:18:29,232 (all gasping, murmuring) 430 00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:31,334 What is this? 431 00:18:31,427 --> 00:18:33,093 In all my years as a cool priest, 432 00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:34,445 I've never seen such a commotion 433 00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:36,430 at Our Lady at the Bottom of the Hill. 434 00:18:36,524 --> 00:18:38,765 This woman tried to take over my life 435 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,284 and murder me and... 436 00:18:40,477 --> 00:18:42,620 Oh, my God, you're the guitar priest. 437 00:18:42,771 --> 00:18:44,864 (chuckling): Oh, boy, not this. 438 00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:47,016 This is the last thing I wanted. 439 00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:49,869 Okay, now, who here knows "Jumper"? 440 00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,112 This is a very serious accusation. 441 00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,540 -Is it true, Alana? -I... 442 00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,283 I'm sorry, Lois. 443 00:18:56,361 --> 00:18:58,878 I just wanted your life so badly. 444 00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,638 I've never seen a man love his wife 445 00:19:00,789 --> 00:19:02,198 as much as Peter loves you. 446 00:19:02,291 --> 00:19:04,200 God, you need to get out more. 447 00:19:04,293 --> 00:19:07,036 And your beautiful children and your dog. 448 00:19:07,054 --> 00:19:08,721 The baby, I never liked. 449 00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,148 Well, I was onto you, so... 450 00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:11,816 That's not why. (yelps) 451 00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:13,634 And you were gonna marry her? 452 00:19:13,728 --> 00:19:15,060 I'm sorry, Lois. 453 00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:16,970 The only things I liked about Alana 454 00:19:17,064 --> 00:19:18,805 was the stuff she stole from you. 455 00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:22,326 But who needs her when I got the genuine article right here? 456 00:19:22,478 --> 00:19:24,811 I guess what I'm trying to say is: 457 00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,889 What's for dinner? 458 00:19:26,982 --> 00:19:28,833 Oh, Peter. 459 00:19:28,984 --> 00:19:32,986 ♪ I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend ♪ 460 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,731 You're under arrest, Miss Fitzgerald. 461 00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:38,401 Come on, you're coming with me. 462 00:19:38,494 --> 00:19:42,597 ♪ I would understand ♪ 463 00:19:43,832 --> 00:19:47,092 ♪ I would understand... ♪ 464 00:19:47,245 --> 00:19:49,520 This is probably, like, my favorite arrest! 465 00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,027 ♪ ♪ 466 00:19:56,178 --> 00:19:58,029 (buzzer blares) 467 00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,108 Thanks for agreeing to see me, Lois. 468 00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:04,851 Mm-hmm. Get on with it. 469 00:20:04,946 --> 00:20:07,205 What I did was unforgivable. 470 00:20:07,432 --> 00:20:09,432 I've had a lot of time to think about things. 471 00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:11,209 You have nothing but time in prison. 472 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,285 -Really? -I know it sounds crazy, 473 00:20:13,438 --> 00:20:15,529 but I miss the sound of those kids' feet 474 00:20:15,665 --> 00:20:17,773 running to wake me up at 6:00 in the morning. 475 00:20:17,866 --> 00:20:19,217 Wh-When do you wake up? 476 00:20:19,444 --> 00:20:21,444 I don't know, whenever they serve breakfast. 477 00:20:21,462 --> 00:20:23,279 "They"? "Serve"? 478 00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:26,131 I guess you don't have to cook for yourself in here, huh? 479 00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:28,075 You're not allowed to. 480 00:20:28,152 --> 00:20:29,301 I want to switch. 481 00:20:29,454 --> 00:20:30,636 GUARD: Wrap it up, ladies. 482 00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,213 Inmate, you're gonna be late for your knitting class. 483 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,624 Knitting class? What stitch? 484 00:20:35,643 --> 00:20:37,050 All of them, I guess? 485 00:20:37,144 --> 00:20:40,571 I want to switch. I want to switch. 486 00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:42,798 I want to switch! 487 00:20:42,817 --> 00:20:45,301 -STEWIE: And here ends our tale of... -(microphone thumping) 488 00:20:45,394 --> 00:20:47,136 Chris, Chris, what are you doing? 489 00:20:47,154 --> 00:20:49,321 CHRIS: Dad said I can do voice-over, too. 490 00:20:49,474 --> 00:20:51,082 STEWIE: Ugh, fine, you know what? You do it. 491 00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:53,309 CHRIS: I'm Chris Griffin, and I once saw 492 00:20:53,327 --> 00:20:55,235 a film called All About Beave, 493 00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,313 and it was nothing like this. 494 00:20:57,331 --> 00:20:59,507 Good night, everybody.