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00:00:02,394 --> 00:00:04,652
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,731
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,824 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,495 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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-(bell tolling)
-(organ music playing)
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(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"
playing)
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STEWIE:
Meet Alana Fitzgerald.
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How she got here
is quite a tale.
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And I'm here to tell it to you.
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I'll tell you all about Alana.
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And who am I?
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I'm Stewie, the talking baby
from Family Guy.
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Do you really not know that?
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And now to our tale.
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It started innocently enough
late last month.
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♪ ♪
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(ends with flourish)
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Oh, Alana, this lesson
has been a treat.
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You were always
the best student.
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And you were always
the only teacher in town
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who didn't rest a hand
on my knee while I played.
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(chuckles):
It's okay. I'm not a teacher.
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Chris, go to your room.
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Sure thing, Mom.
Just one more sniff of Finesse.
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(sniffs loudly)
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(exhales)
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As you were.
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Alana, it's been five years
since you graduated,
34
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and still no college plans?
35
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I still want to audition
for Juilliard,
36
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but I still can't afford
the $1,200 application fee.
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Oh, you're not gonna tell me
you can't pay
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the seven dollars
for today's lesson?
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'Cause that's
our sandwich money.
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Will there be
sandwiches then, miss?
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♪ ♪
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Peter, can I talk to you
about Alana?
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I have an idea.
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You can talk about
anything you want,
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as long as you shout it
over the Patriots game.
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SPORTSCASTER: Critical
third and seven for Mac Jones...
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I just feel really bad for her.
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You know, she's so talented,
but she doesn't
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have the money
to apply to colleges.
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-And it's a fumble!
-Oh, no.
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I know, it's sad. And that's
where I think we can help.
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-Somehow Mac Jones fell on it.
-Come on, the clock is ticking.
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Well, I just think we could hire
her to help around the house.
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You know, with the laundry,
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driving the kids to school,
all that stuff.
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-...for a touchdown!
-Yes!
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Thank you, Peter.
I knew you'd understand.
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Man, it just really sucks
when you're playing from behind.
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Exactly. That's why
I'm so happy to help her out.
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You know, I think we'll both
sleep better tonight.
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And the Patriots set up
on defense.
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PETER:
Go for the sack!
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Well, you did agree
to the Alana thing.
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Mm, where's my clothespin?
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STEWIE: This gross encounter
sealed the deal.
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And just like that,
Alana was welcomed
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as a member of our family.
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♪ ♪
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-(doorbell rings)
-Oh, that must be Alana.
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What are you,
the Amazing Kreskin?
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Just open the damn door.
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Ah! Welcome, Alana.
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Oh, thank you, Lois.
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Are you sure this is okay?
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"Okay"? It's wonderful.
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Come on,
meet the rest of the family.
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Now, of course, you know Chris.
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Hi, Chris.
Good to see you again.
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And it will be good
to see you again
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through the bathroom keyhole.
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That was not original
to the house.
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Hi. I'm Peter.
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I enjoy middle-of-the-night
hallway cereal.
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I'm Meg. Don't touch my
drum set, or you're dead meat.
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STEWIE:
No one had ever heard of Meg's
drum set before this moment.
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Oh, Lois, you're so lucky
to have such a beautiful family.
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I didn't grow up
with any of this.
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Let me show you
where you'll be staying,
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and you can get settled in.
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Oh, there's plenty
of time for that.
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Let me get started on dinner.
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I was thinking tacos and nachos?
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Well, sounds good to me.
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What do you think, Peter?
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I just arrived in my pants.
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(all cheering)
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STEWIE:
That night, we all ate
tacos and nachos
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00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,309
that were so good,
we stood and cheered.
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We were the envy
of the neighborhood.
100
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Here, Joe.
101
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Barely thawed trout
and white rice.
102
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This trout's the lucky one.
It's over for him.
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-What's that, Joe?
-Thanks, Bon. Looks terrific.
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♪ ♪
105
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Did you guys know you have
a pool in the backyard?
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It was just overgrown
with grass and weeds.
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PETER:
Cannonball!
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There's no water in it, though.
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PETER (audio rewinding):
Llabnonnac!
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Phew. That was a close one.
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You know, Alana,
I confess I wasn't sure
112
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how this was going to work out,
but you've been terrific.
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Uh, you're just
too good to be true.
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STEWIE:
Too good to be true.
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Like a single Jewish doctor.
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Hello? Where are you?
117
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Doctors can be girls, too,
so shut up.
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Yes, everything seemed perfect
in our household,
119
00:05:01,376 --> 00:05:04,210
but sometimes things
aren't what they seem.
120
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We'd been so conditioned
into believing
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our mother's life was empty,
we couldn't even fathom the idea
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00:05:09,368 --> 00:05:11,417
that another person
would want it.
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It was a real
All About Eve moment.
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Or, if you're under 70, a real
Single White Female moment.
125
00:05:17,709 --> 00:05:21,061
Or, if you're under 50,
a real Swimfan moment.
126
00:05:21,229 --> 00:05:23,713
Or, if you're Black,
the Beyoncé movie Obsessed,
127
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which I haven't seen
but hear real good things about.
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Yes, Alana was a regular Lisa,
129
00:05:28,495 --> 00:05:29,995
which is the character
from Obsessed,
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which I just looked up.
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(imitating Lois):
Stewie, eat your vegetables.
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STEWIE (chuckling):
Okay, that's pretty good,
but I'm onto you.
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♪ ♪
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(birds chirping)
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Oh, 8:15.
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Well, that's much later
than I usually wake up,
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but at least I won't react like
a character in an '80s mov...
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00:05:57,916 --> 00:05:59,841
8:15?!
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00:05:59,935 --> 00:06:02,527
(upbeat music playing)
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(panting)
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I am so sorry.
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I didn't realize
how late it was.
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You guys must be starving.
144
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Wha... What's all this?
145
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Oh, good morning, Lois.
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I thought I'd let you sleep in.
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Oh, that's nice.
148
00:06:28,872 --> 00:06:30,630
-Where's Peter?
-Oh, he's here.
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00:06:30,782 --> 00:06:32,949
He's just in the kid phase
of the Mini-Wheats cycle.
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00:06:32,968 --> 00:06:35,802
The shrinking process
was incredibly painful.
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00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,230
Mom, she made us
eggs with falafel.
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Or, as she calls it,
"falafel à la Alana."
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It's hard to say,
but they're delicious.
154
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I take adult-sized poops,
but I have kid-sized parts.
155
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I could die from this.
156
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Yeah, that's-that's part of why
I don't let Peter do that.
157
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But you know what,
I'm glad you guys
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are all enjoying Alana so much.
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Oh, she's the best.
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In fact, Alana and I stayed up
all night scissoring.
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Wow, Meg,
you're really good at this.
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00:07:02,831 --> 00:07:06,240
Yeah, I had an older babysitter
who kind of showed me how.
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(gasps)
Hey, maybe after this,
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we can get out
the cribbage board
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and work on our pegging.
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WEST:
I'm Mayor Wild West,
167
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and my neighbor's kid
had to explain this to me.
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Guess, this week, it's church
on Sunday and Wednesday.
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But anyway, back to our tale.
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STEWIE:
The dominoes were falling
one by one.
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Especially Peter, who found
Alana to be a sheer delight.
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That will be more clear
when you see
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how she's about to be dressed.
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-(rustling)
-Santa?
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I can almost see your bum
through your nightgown.
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STEWIE:
Any time Peter saw someone
at 2:00 a.m.,
177
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he assumed it was Santa.
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Alana?
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What are you doing up
so nipples?
180
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Sorry, I was just
cleaning out the freezer.
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Okay, any Popsicles that say
182
00:07:49,044 --> 00:07:51,027
"property of Peter Griffin"
are mine.
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00:07:51,046 --> 00:07:53,955
Got it.
You see anything else you like?
184
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,558
I can think
of one or two things.
185
00:07:58,127 --> 00:08:00,036
Did you enjoy
your five-course meal?
186
00:08:00,129 --> 00:08:02,555
(laughs) I wouldn't consider
an amuse-bouche
187
00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:04,374
a full course unto itself.
188
00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:06,634
(sighs)
I guess you're right.
189
00:08:06,653 --> 00:08:08,728
Hey, maybe we could split
a Popsicle for dessert.
190
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,731
Yeah, sure, if any of them have
your name on 'em, help yourself.
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♪ ♪
192
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:17,144
Hey, thanks for taking me
to the dog park, Lois.
193
00:08:17,239 --> 00:08:19,572
Well, now that we have Alana,
I've got more time
194
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,541
to do stuff like this.
195
00:08:23,411 --> 00:08:25,653
Can I be honest with you, Brian?
196
00:08:25,747 --> 00:08:27,080
Hmm. That's what a woman says
197
00:08:27,232 --> 00:08:28,898
before she trashes
another woman.
198
00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:31,134
I'm a little worried
about Alana.
199
00:08:32,829 --> 00:08:34,513
I mean, the kids seem
to like her,
200
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,072
and she's good at her job,
201
00:08:36,165 --> 00:08:38,499
but maybe a little too good,
you know?
202
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,093
I don't know,
she seems cool to me.
203
00:08:40,262 --> 00:08:42,687
I mean, yes, I know,
she's very sweet.
204
00:08:42,764 --> 00:08:44,414
(grunts)
205
00:08:44,432 --> 00:08:47,675
But sometimes I feel like
maybe she's after something.
206
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,602
I just don't know what it is.
207
00:08:49,696 --> 00:08:51,254
(panting)
208
00:08:51,273 --> 00:08:53,014
Well, maybe you're right.
209
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:55,425
I'll tell you what,
I'll talk to Alana
210
00:08:55,427 --> 00:08:57,369
and try to sniff out
what's going on with her.
211
00:08:57,596 --> 00:08:58,870
Oh, thanks, Brian.
212
00:08:59,022 --> 00:09:00,430
I'd appreciate that.
213
00:09:00,448 --> 00:09:02,374
I'll tell you, I'm starting
to wish I never...
214
00:09:02,601 --> 00:09:04,084
(grunts):
hired her!
215
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:06,603
(panting)
216
00:09:06,772 --> 00:09:08,454
Hey, sorry about that.
217
00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:10,957
Well, looks like Lois
is plenty threatened
218
00:09:11,075 --> 00:09:14,277
by that new girl who moved in,
I tell you what.
219
00:09:14,296 --> 00:09:16,304
♪ ♪
220
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,950
Wow. Dusting the den, huh?
221
00:09:20,969 --> 00:09:23,228
You're really going
the whole 8.2 meters.
222
00:09:23,379 --> 00:09:25,230
-What?
-Oh, sorry, nine yards.
223
00:09:25,457 --> 00:09:27,214
I just read
so many European authors,
224
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,733
I slip into metric sometimes.
225
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:31,795
Anyway, Alana, could you do me
a favour-- with a "U"--
226
00:09:31,888 --> 00:09:33,980
and maybe do
a little less housework?
227
00:09:34,132 --> 00:09:36,891
Less housework?
But that's why Lois hired me.
228
00:09:36,985 --> 00:09:39,744
Well, I worry Lois might be
feeling a little displaced
229
00:09:39,896 --> 00:09:42,414
since you've been doing
so much around the house lately.
230
00:09:42,565 --> 00:09:44,231
Oh, I'm so sorry.
231
00:09:44,326 --> 00:09:46,326
I would never want to make her
feel uncomfortable.
232
00:09:46,494 --> 00:09:49,329
Hey, maybe we should discuss
this while I brush your fur.
233
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,314
Okay, I see what you're doing.
234
00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:52,999
This kind of stuff may have
worked with the kids,
235
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,409
but I kind of look out for Lois
in a way that they don't.
236
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:58,096
And believe me, Alana, I can
get pretty mean if I want to.
237
00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:01,266
(laughing):
Oh, Brian, that's adorable.
238
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,935
And I love that you're
so protective, but come on.
239
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,104
We all know you're just
a big sweetheart.
240
00:10:06,255 --> 00:10:08,589
And even if you were able
to be mean to me,
241
00:10:08,609 --> 00:10:10,257
I'd still be loving you.
242
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,352
Yeah, well... "Loving," you say?
243
00:10:12,428 --> 00:10:14,170
(plays intro to
"I'll Be Loving You")
244
00:10:14,263 --> 00:10:17,023
-♪ I'll be lovin' you ♪
-When?
245
00:10:17,175 --> 00:10:18,858
♪ Cloudy days or sunny ♪
246
00:10:19,010 --> 00:10:21,194
-♪ Lovin' you ♪
-Are you sure?
247
00:10:21,346 --> 00:10:23,104
♪ That's a promise, honey ♪
248
00:10:23,181 --> 00:10:26,791
♪ When your kiss
can no longer pack a thrill ♪
249
00:10:26,943 --> 00:10:28,835
-(smooches)
-Nothin'.
250
00:10:28,945 --> 00:10:32,988
♪ I'll still be lovin' you ♪
251
00:10:32,990 --> 00:10:35,541
-♪ I'll be huggin' you ♪
-How?
252
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:38,953
♪ Like a baby panda,
kissin' you ♪
253
00:10:38,972 --> 00:10:41,622
-Where?
-♪ On your old veranda ♪
254
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:45,292
♪ When your charm, dear,
is absolutely nil ♪
255
00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:48,396
♪ Yeah, I know,
you'll still be lovin' me ♪
256
00:10:50,041 --> 00:10:52,041
♪ Billin', cooin' ♪
257
00:10:52,135 --> 00:10:54,043
♪ You, I'll keep pursuin' ♪
258
00:10:54,062 --> 00:10:56,212
♪ Always lovin' ♪
259
00:10:56,231 --> 00:10:58,305
♪ Hotter than a baker's oven ♪
260
00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,824
-Get out of here!
-(yelps)
261
00:11:00,051 --> 00:11:02,309
♪ This is true ♪
262
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,145
♪ Let no one deny it ♪
263
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,406
♪ I'll want you ♪
264
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,241
♪ Till I'm still and quiet ♪
265
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:12,078
♪ When my friends carry me
across the hill ♪
266
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,673
♪ I'll still be lovin' ♪
267
00:11:14,900 --> 00:11:16,900
♪ Turtledovin' ♪
268
00:11:16,918 --> 00:11:20,920
♪ Still be lovin' you. ♪
269
00:11:21,072 --> 00:11:23,256
Wow, you've got some pipes.
270
00:11:23,408 --> 00:11:26,292
But about Lois...
I'm still worried she's unhappy.
271
00:11:26,444 --> 00:11:29,095
Unhappy? What's there
to be unhappy about?
272
00:11:29,247 --> 00:11:31,097
(plays intro to
"Ain't We Got Fun")
273
00:11:31,249 --> 00:11:34,008
♪ Every morning, every evening ♪
274
00:11:34,102 --> 00:11:36,510
♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪
275
00:11:36,604 --> 00:11:40,181
♪ Not much money,
oh, but, honey ♪
276
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,200
♪ Ain't we got fun? ♪
277
00:11:42,427 --> 00:11:44,610
STEWIE:
Despite Brian's
initial skepticism,
278
00:11:44,763 --> 00:11:47,372
they sang 19 numbers
from the American songbook,
279
00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:48,781
and he was sold.
280
00:11:48,858 --> 00:11:52,526
Alana's victory over our family
was complete,
281
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:57,457
and Lois realized she needed to
take matters into her own hands.
282
00:11:57,609 --> 00:11:59,125
Oh, hey, Loni.
283
00:11:59,277 --> 00:12:01,052
Uh-oh, she's trying
to assert dominance
284
00:12:01,279 --> 00:12:02,870
by creating a fake nickname.
285
00:12:02,964 --> 00:12:04,889
I see you're giving a bath
to the Stew-Man.
286
00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:06,299
She does it to me, too.
287
00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:09,285
So, I was thinking,
since you're so close
288
00:12:09,304 --> 00:12:12,305
to making the $1,200
you need for Juilliard,
289
00:12:12,457 --> 00:12:14,381
why don't I just throw in
the difference for this week
290
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:17,627
and get you on your way, huh?
291
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:18,978
Thanks, Lois.
292
00:12:19,130 --> 00:12:21,147
I'm so excited for you
to spread your wings
293
00:12:21,299 --> 00:12:23,149
and pursue your dreams.
294
00:12:23,301 --> 00:12:24,650
She wants you out of here.
295
00:12:24,745 --> 00:12:26,393
This is so generous, Lois.
296
00:12:26,488 --> 00:12:29,247
I'll be on my way
first thing in the morning.
297
00:12:31,476 --> 00:12:33,918
Okay, you're all done,
little man.
298
00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:37,146
All right,
let's do backside first,
299
00:12:37,165 --> 00:12:39,424
get the heavy lifting
out of the way.
300
00:12:39,575 --> 00:12:41,242
♪ ♪
301
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,927
STEWIE:
Lois thought the $1,200
302
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:44,763
had gotten Alana
out of her life,
303
00:12:44,990 --> 00:12:46,839
but it was the other way around.
304
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,841
Here's $1,200.
305
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:51,252
I want Lois Griffin
dead by morning.
306
00:12:51,346 --> 00:12:53,021
♪ ♪
307
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:57,683
Whoa. I can finally send
my nephew to Juilliard.
308
00:12:57,836 --> 00:12:59,110
He plays the melodica.
309
00:12:59,262 --> 00:13:01,613
-Really? Is he any good?
-You tell me.
310
00:13:01,764 --> 00:13:04,857
He did the opening fanfare
for 20th Century Fox.
311
00:13:04,951 --> 00:13:07,160
(drumbeat plays)
312
00:13:09,438 --> 00:13:12,457
(fanfare plays discordantly
on melodica)
313
00:13:27,957 --> 00:13:30,391
♪ ♪
314
00:13:33,371 --> 00:13:34,813
(yawns)
315
00:13:35,965 --> 00:13:38,224
Good morning, Chris.
Good morning, Meg.
316
00:13:38,376 --> 00:13:40,485
Good morning, Loi... Lois?!
317
00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:41,802
♪ ♪
318
00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:43,137
My clothes were in the wash,
319
00:13:43,231 --> 00:13:45,306
so I borrowed your clothes
and Peter's bra.
320
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:47,826
Boy, my morning jog was murder.
321
00:13:47,977 --> 00:13:50,403
But, Alana,
why is your hair red?
322
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,055
I decided to dye it.
323
00:13:52,148 --> 00:13:53,906
I'm a huge Kathy Griffin fan.
324
00:13:54,059 --> 00:13:55,316
Well, that doesn't add up.
325
00:13:55,410 --> 00:13:57,318
No one is a huge
Kathy Griffin fan.
326
00:13:57,412 --> 00:14:00,988
I beg to differ.
Sometimes comedy is just energy.
327
00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:04,133
And who cut my head
out of these family photos?
328
00:14:05,236 --> 00:14:06,736
Sorry, that was me.
329
00:14:06,829 --> 00:14:08,996
Alana and I did
some scissoring last night.
330
00:14:09,090 --> 00:14:11,349
(chuckles) Is that so?
331
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:14,369
Oh, we were just having a
little fun and got carried away.
332
00:14:14,371 --> 00:14:16,503
Tell you what,
I'll fix all the pictures
333
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:18,915
as soon as I get back
from doing the groceries.
334
00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:20,583
(groans)
335
00:14:20,602 --> 00:14:23,010
I do the groceries, Alana.
336
00:14:23,104 --> 00:14:25,438
You won't like me
when I'm groceries.
337
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,256
(inhales deeply)
338
00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:29,016
When I get back from the market,
339
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:31,444
I think it's best
if you're gone.
340
00:14:31,596 --> 00:14:33,371
I understand.
341
00:14:35,691 --> 00:14:37,617
And don't worry, Lois.
342
00:14:37,693 --> 00:14:41,880
After today, I promise
you will never see me again.
343
00:14:42,031 --> 00:14:44,465
♪ ♪
344
00:14:48,446 --> 00:14:50,889
All right,
let's check the grocery list.
345
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:53,966
Dozen eggs, orange juice, bread,
346
00:14:54,119 --> 00:14:56,135
and one Sara Lee cheesecake
I will take
347
00:14:56,287 --> 00:14:58,287
tiny finger pinches of
all the way home
348
00:14:58,306 --> 00:15:00,289
and then throw
in the outside trash.
349
00:15:00,383 --> 00:15:03,359
Oh, God, I love shopping!
350
00:15:05,888 --> 00:15:08,055
(gasps) What's this?
351
00:15:08,133 --> 00:15:10,241
"Newer"? "Fancier"?
352
00:15:10,393 --> 00:15:11,701
(sighs)
353
00:15:14,897 --> 00:15:16,397
LOIS:
What the hell?
354
00:15:16,565 --> 00:15:18,641
All they sell here is rope
and body bags?
355
00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,643
I... Uh-oh.
356
00:15:20,662 --> 00:15:22,629
♪ ♪
357
00:15:25,074 --> 00:15:27,592
You guys, I just found
this note from Mom.
358
00:15:27,819 --> 00:15:30,094
"Dear family,
I've decided to leave you all
359
00:15:30,321 --> 00:15:31,837
and become a lesbian."
360
00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,264
Wait, we can just do that?
361
00:15:33,416 --> 00:15:35,491
Dad, how did this happen?
362
00:15:35,493 --> 00:15:37,009
I blame myself.
363
00:15:37,103 --> 00:15:39,253
Because of my fat,
I can't be on top.
364
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,255
STEWIE:
The whole family
was so alarmed
365
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,257
that no one noticed Alana
at the piano
366
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,276
practicing Lois's part
of the theme song.
367
00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:49,505
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
368
00:15:49,524 --> 00:15:52,766
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
369
00:15:52,786 --> 00:15:54,994
(melody continues on piano)
370
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:59,198
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
371
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,085
♪ ♪
372
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,634
Stop! Why are you doing this?!
373
00:16:09,861 --> 00:16:11,694
Is this related
to the virtual stranger
374
00:16:11,863 --> 00:16:14,639
I let take over my life
and family this past week?
375
00:16:14,866 --> 00:16:16,623
-Please!
-Shut up.
376
00:16:16,718 --> 00:16:18,201
We're taking you to die.
377
00:16:18,219 --> 00:16:20,703
-Well, are we there yet?
-No.
378
00:16:20,722 --> 00:16:23,314
-Are we there yet?
-No! God.
379
00:16:23,466 --> 00:16:25,224
-Just give her the iPad.
-No.
380
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,134
The book says kidnap victims
are getting
381
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,820
too much screen time these days.
382
00:16:29,047 --> 00:16:31,030
They bond with the iPad,
not with us.
383
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,329
(door opens)
384
00:16:38,556 --> 00:16:39,480
(gasps)
385
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,724
Oh, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait!
386
00:16:41,743 --> 00:16:43,242
-Yeah?
-Please.
387
00:16:43,394 --> 00:16:44,985
Please don't let two white women
388
00:16:45,154 --> 00:16:47,505
make a podcast
about my disappearance.
389
00:16:47,656 --> 00:16:50,174
(screaming)
390
00:16:50,401 --> 00:16:52,301
♪ ♪
391
00:16:54,255 --> 00:16:56,347
Kids, now that your mother
is gone,
392
00:16:56,499 --> 00:16:58,683
I want you to be prepared
for a lot of pee
393
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,685
on the floor next to the toilet.
394
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,003
This is a speech
no father should ever
395
00:17:03,097 --> 00:17:04,689
have to give his children.
396
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,082
I don't think
you guys understand
397
00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:07,692
what a huge loss this is.
398
00:17:07,843 --> 00:17:10,010
Oh, I fully understand, Brian.
399
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:12,530
Lois is an angel.
She's my soul mate.
400
00:17:12,757 --> 00:17:15,925
There's never been another Lois,
and there never will be.
401
00:17:15,927 --> 00:17:17,610
Not for me.
402
00:17:17,762 --> 00:17:19,520
She's irreplaceable.
403
00:17:19,614 --> 00:17:20,854
(stomach gurgling)
404
00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,707
Hey, Dad,
what's for dinner tonight?
405
00:17:22,784 --> 00:17:24,417
(gasps)
406
00:17:25,787 --> 00:17:28,120
STEWIE:
And so we return
to where we began:
407
00:17:28,273 --> 00:17:31,440
with Alana and her rather
twisted path to the altar.
408
00:17:31,459 --> 00:17:33,551
(Wagner's "Bridal Chorus"
playing)
409
00:17:35,146 --> 00:17:37,263
(frantic, discordant music
playing)
410
00:17:40,376 --> 00:17:42,468
STEWIE:
It's a very logistically
kooky church.
411
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:45,379
We have gathered today
suspiciously quickly
412
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:48,457
to celebrate the union
of this man and this woman.
413
00:17:48,476 --> 00:17:51,644
Now, before we begin,
let me just say that yes,
414
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:55,406
I am the priest from YouTube
who plays the guitar.
415
00:17:55,633 --> 00:17:57,224
Pretty cool priest.
416
00:17:57,318 --> 00:17:59,726
You can also catch me
playing Fortnite on Twitch.
417
00:17:59,821 --> 00:18:02,471
Now, I understand Peter
has written his own vows.
418
00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:05,083
-QUAGMIRE: Oh, no!
-Yes, I have.
419
00:18:05,234 --> 00:18:07,418
And I'm definitely not
just reusing the vows
420
00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:10,646
I said to Lois when we got
married in the late '90s.
421
00:18:10,648 --> 00:18:13,149
"Dear Lois: Whassup?
422
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:14,759
"You're the love of my life.
423
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,577
Yada yada yada, I'm hungry."
424
00:18:16,671 --> 00:18:18,504
Unless anyone has a reason
why these two
425
00:18:18,656 --> 00:18:20,673
should not be married,
I hereby...
426
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,226
(Lois screaming in distance)
427
00:18:23,995 --> 00:18:24,844
(grunts)
428
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,512
Wait! Stop!
429
00:18:26,664 --> 00:18:29,232
(all gasping, murmuring)
430
00:18:30,168 --> 00:18:31,334
What is this?
431
00:18:31,427 --> 00:18:33,093
In all my years
as a cool priest,
432
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:34,445
I've never seen such a commotion
433
00:18:34,597 --> 00:18:36,430
at Our Lady
at the Bottom of the Hill.
434
00:18:36,524 --> 00:18:38,765
This woman tried
to take over my life
435
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,284
and murder me and...
436
00:18:40,477 --> 00:18:42,620
Oh, my God,
you're the guitar priest.
437
00:18:42,771 --> 00:18:44,864
(chuckling):
Oh, boy, not this.
438
00:18:45,016 --> 00:18:47,016
This is the last thing I wanted.
439
00:18:47,185 --> 00:18:49,869
Okay, now,
who here knows "Jumper"?
440
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,112
This is a very serious
accusation.
441
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,540
-Is it true, Alana?
-I...
442
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,283
I'm sorry, Lois.
443
00:18:56,361 --> 00:18:58,878
I just wanted your life
so badly.
444
00:18:58,972 --> 00:19:00,638
I've never seen a man
love his wife
445
00:19:00,789 --> 00:19:02,198
as much as Peter loves you.
446
00:19:02,291 --> 00:19:04,200
God, you need to get out more.
447
00:19:04,293 --> 00:19:07,036
And your beautiful children
and your dog.
448
00:19:07,054 --> 00:19:08,721
The baby, I never liked.
449
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,148
Well, I was onto you, so...
450
00:19:10,299 --> 00:19:11,816
That's not why. (yelps)
451
00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:13,634
And you were gonna marry her?
452
00:19:13,728 --> 00:19:15,060
I'm sorry, Lois.
453
00:19:15,213 --> 00:19:16,970
The only things I liked
about Alana
454
00:19:17,064 --> 00:19:18,805
was the stuff
she stole from you.
455
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:22,326
But who needs her when I got
the genuine article right here?
456
00:19:22,478 --> 00:19:24,811
I guess what I'm trying
to say is:
457
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,889
What's for dinner?
458
00:19:26,982 --> 00:19:28,833
Oh, Peter.
459
00:19:28,984 --> 00:19:32,986
♪ I wish you would step back
from that ledge, my friend ♪
460
00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,731
You're under arrest,
Miss Fitzgerald.
461
00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:38,401
Come on, you're coming with me.
462
00:19:38,494 --> 00:19:42,597
♪ I would understand ♪
463
00:19:43,832 --> 00:19:47,092
♪ I would understand... ♪
464
00:19:47,245 --> 00:19:49,520
This is probably, like,
my favorite arrest!
465
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,027
♪ ♪
466
00:19:56,178 --> 00:19:58,029
(buzzer blares)
467
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,108
Thanks for agreeing
to see me, Lois.
468
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:04,851
Mm-hmm. Get on with it.
469
00:20:04,946 --> 00:20:07,205
What I did was unforgivable.
470
00:20:07,432 --> 00:20:09,432
I've had a lot of time
to think about things.
471
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:11,209
You have nothing but time
in prison.
472
00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,285
-Really?
-I know it sounds crazy,
473
00:20:13,438 --> 00:20:15,529
but I miss the sound
of those kids' feet
474
00:20:15,665 --> 00:20:17,773
running to wake me up
at 6:00 in the morning.
475
00:20:17,866 --> 00:20:19,217
Wh-When do you wake up?
476
00:20:19,444 --> 00:20:21,444
I don't know,
whenever they serve breakfast.
477
00:20:21,462 --> 00:20:23,279
"They"? "Serve"?
478
00:20:23,297 --> 00:20:26,131
I guess you don't have to cook
for yourself in here, huh?
479
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:28,075
You're not allowed to.
480
00:20:28,152 --> 00:20:29,301
I want to switch.
481
00:20:29,454 --> 00:20:30,636
GUARD:
Wrap it up, ladies.
482
00:20:30,730 --> 00:20:33,213
Inmate, you're gonna be late
for your knitting class.
483
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,624
Knitting class? What stitch?
484
00:20:35,643 --> 00:20:37,050
All of them, I guess?
485
00:20:37,144 --> 00:20:40,571
I want to switch.
I want to switch.
486
00:20:40,723 --> 00:20:42,798
I want to switch!
487
00:20:42,817 --> 00:20:45,301
-STEWIE: And here ends
our tale of...
-(microphone thumping)
488
00:20:45,394 --> 00:20:47,136
Chris, Chris,
what are you doing?
489
00:20:47,154 --> 00:20:49,321
CHRIS:
Dad said I can do
voice-over, too.
490
00:20:49,474 --> 00:20:51,082
STEWIE:
Ugh, fine, you know what?
You do it.
491
00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:53,309
CHRIS:
I'm Chris Griffin,
and I once saw
492
00:20:53,327 --> 00:20:55,235
a film called All About Beave,
493
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:57,313
and it was nothing like this.
494
00:20:57,331 --> 00:20:59,507
Good night, everybody.