1 00:00:02,394 --> 00:00:04,728 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,730 --> 00:00:07,748 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,900 --> 00:00:11,735 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,754 --> 00:00:14,662 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,757 --> 00:00:17,741 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,834 --> 00:00:21,411 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,430 --> 00:00:22,855 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:23,006 --> 00:00:24,356 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:30,112 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:36,035 I'm home from camp. 11 00:00:36,186 --> 00:00:38,662 -Welcome home. -Meg's been wearing your clothes. 12 00:00:41,767 --> 00:00:43,617 Ah, my big man. 13 00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:45,269 How was Camp Angry Indian? 14 00:00:45,362 --> 00:00:47,529 Oh, they had to rename it Camp Redface. 15 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:50,607 Then soon after, Camp Washington Football Team. 16 00:00:50,626 --> 00:00:53,126 But camp was awesome. 17 00:00:53,279 --> 00:00:54,720 I got a girlfriend. 18 00:00:54,947 --> 00:00:56,221 She's smoking hot, 19 00:00:56,298 --> 00:00:58,949 and she has some off the charts scary political views, 20 00:00:59,042 --> 00:01:00,967 but largely because of the smoking hot thing, 21 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:02,953 we've decided to stay together. 22 00:01:02,971 --> 00:01:05,046 My boy has a girlfriend? 23 00:01:05,066 --> 00:01:07,124 Oh, Chris, that's amazing. 24 00:01:07,142 --> 00:01:10,218 Good job, Chris. You've really impressed your old dad. 25 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:12,738 Like Richard Gere's gerbil impressed his dad. 26 00:01:12,965 --> 00:01:14,298 (phone rings) 27 00:01:14,316 --> 00:01:15,741 -(phone beeps) -Hello? 28 00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,743 GERBIL SON (over phone); Dad, you're never gonna believe 29 00:01:17,894 --> 00:01:19,620 where I am. 30 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,065 -Freaking Doug. -(button beeping) 31 00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:26,159 "Gooey Stewie, Gooey Stewie. 32 00:01:26,312 --> 00:01:28,161 Eats all day and now he's ooey". 33 00:01:28,314 --> 00:01:29,904 Yeah, right. I'll show him. 34 00:01:29,924 --> 00:01:32,165 Whoa, since when do you have a treadmill? 35 00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:34,093 I took it from a Curves. 36 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:36,002 They mostly just lie on mats. 37 00:01:36,155 --> 00:01:37,554 (button beeping) 38 00:01:38,841 --> 00:01:41,266 (grunts) Brian, help! 39 00:01:42,544 --> 00:01:44,103 -Hey. -Hey. 40 00:01:44,179 --> 00:01:46,588 -Bizarro Family Guy? -Bizarro Family Guy. 41 00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,482 It's just the fire. 42 00:01:53,672 --> 00:01:55,280 (device beeps) 43 00:01:55,507 --> 00:01:58,575 Peter, how is a stud finder gonna help with this? 44 00:02:00,955 --> 00:02:04,014 Beep, beep, beep. Looks like I found the stud. 45 00:02:04,032 --> 00:02:05,440 (Peter and Stewie laugh) 46 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,185 Oh, I know we have our differences, 47 00:02:08,203 --> 00:02:11,538 but stuff like that, it-it-- man, it's just-- 48 00:02:11,690 --> 00:02:12,965 I just-- it's-it's fun. 49 00:02:13,192 --> 00:02:15,542 Enough, Peter. I'm calling a handyman. 50 00:02:15,694 --> 00:02:18,554 -(cell phone beeps) -Fine. What's in here, anyway? 51 00:02:19,974 --> 00:02:21,623 -Bizarro Peter? -Bizarro Peter. 52 00:02:21,717 --> 00:02:23,559 It's just that I'm reading. 53 00:02:27,389 --> 00:02:30,040 Peter, how many times do I have to tell you 54 00:02:30,058 --> 00:02:31,966 to stop leaving your wet swimsuit 55 00:02:31,986 --> 00:02:33,301 at the bottom of the stairs? 56 00:02:33,320 --> 00:02:35,228 I never know when I'll be back in the sprinklers. 57 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:38,048 I got to be able to grab and go when they start spraying. 58 00:02:38,066 --> 00:02:40,475 Ugh, you're impossible. 59 00:02:40,569 --> 00:02:41,976 See that, Chris? 60 00:02:41,996 --> 00:02:44,663 In the Hungry Hungry Hippos game of marriage, 61 00:02:44,890 --> 00:02:46,648 I just ate one of her marbles. 62 00:02:46,742 --> 00:02:49,242 I don't think you should be proud of that, Dad. 63 00:02:49,395 --> 00:02:51,653 -Excuse me? -Let me give you a nickel's worth 64 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:55,007 of free advice from one happily taken man to another. 65 00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:56,675 We've got two of these 66 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,493 and only one of these, 67 00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:01,680 so we should listen twice as much as we talk. 68 00:03:01,831 --> 00:03:05,409 (chuckles) Remember, Dad, never question your wife's choices. 69 00:03:05,427 --> 00:03:09,095 After all, you were one of them. 70 00:03:09,248 --> 00:03:10,914 I love cooking with wine. 71 00:03:10,933 --> 00:03:12,840 Sometimes, I even put it in the food. 72 00:03:12,935 --> 00:03:16,010 Are you just quoting aprons you saw in a kitchen magazine? 73 00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,346 The last few, yes. Now, if you'll excuse me, 74 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,515 I have a Chaturbate date with my love. 75 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:22,776 Isn't it hard to find each other on there? 76 00:03:22,928 --> 00:03:25,662 Yeah, but that's part of the dance. 77 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:31,359 Hey, Jerome, could I get a Twisted Tea over here? 78 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:35,214 Uh-oh. Never a good sign when a guy strays from linear tea. 79 00:03:35,365 --> 00:03:37,958 -Everything okay, Peter? -Eh, it's just Chris. 80 00:03:38,110 --> 00:03:40,293 Ever since he got a girlfriend, he's been insufferable. 81 00:03:40,446 --> 00:03:42,446 Chris got a lady? That's great. 82 00:03:42,464 --> 00:03:44,281 Do we know anything about this girl? 83 00:03:44,374 --> 00:03:46,874 All I know is he met her at camp, and she's from Canada. 84 00:03:46,969 --> 00:03:49,043 (inhales sharply) Trouble. 85 00:03:49,121 --> 00:03:50,954 Have you seen Chris FaceTime her 86 00:03:50,973 --> 00:03:52,789 or heard her on the phone or anything? 87 00:03:52,808 --> 00:03:54,291 -No, why? -Peter, 88 00:03:54,384 --> 00:03:55,883 I don't know how to say this, 89 00:03:55,961 --> 00:03:57,552 but Canada is kind of a red flag. 90 00:03:57,679 --> 00:03:59,571 Yeah, and white, with a big leaf in the middle. 91 00:03:59,798 --> 00:04:01,073 You're awesome at flags. So what? 92 00:04:01,242 --> 00:04:03,800 I hear Canada has a pretty handsome prime minister. 93 00:04:03,893 --> 00:04:05,151 It's Tru-deau. 94 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,746 Think about it, Peter, a Canadian camp girlfriend 95 00:04:07,897 --> 00:04:09,248 nobody has ever seen? 96 00:04:09,399 --> 00:04:10,974 Seems a bit suspicious to me. 97 00:04:11,067 --> 00:04:12,584 What, you think he made her up? 98 00:04:12,736 --> 00:04:14,253 Chris wouldn't lie about this. 99 00:04:14,404 --> 00:04:16,404 You'd be surprised at what people lie about. 100 00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:19,149 Cleveland claims he likes Miller Lite because it tastes great. 101 00:04:19,167 --> 00:04:21,001 -It does. -It's less filling. 102 00:04:21,153 --> 00:04:22,836 -Tastes great. -Less filling! 103 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,412 (somber violin music plays) 104 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:27,007 NARRATOR: The Great American Beer Conflict. 105 00:04:27,083 --> 00:04:28,750 Brother fought brother, 106 00:04:28,844 --> 00:04:30,677 mother fought daughter, 107 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,587 father fought son. 108 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:33,939 A nation divided 109 00:04:34,166 --> 00:04:36,850 over which was the least trashy quality 110 00:04:36,944 --> 00:04:40,529 of a crappy, domestic river beer. 111 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:44,841 (knock on door) 112 00:04:44,860 --> 00:04:47,435 -MEG: Door! -I know! 113 00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:48,845 Sheesh-kabibbles. 114 00:04:48,938 --> 00:04:50,180 MEG: Who is it? 115 00:04:50,198 --> 00:04:52,958 Oh, probably just the handyman here to fix the-- 116 00:04:53,185 --> 00:04:54,960 Bocce balls! 117 00:04:55,187 --> 00:04:57,296 (rock music playing) 118 00:04:58,615 --> 00:04:59,631 (ding) 119 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,526 Hi there, young lady. I'm Jamie the Handyman. 120 00:05:02,619 --> 00:05:05,362 I heard you had a hole that needed to be filled. 121 00:05:05,455 --> 00:05:08,198 (laughs) Yes. 122 00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:09,866 Is that a big job? 123 00:05:09,885 --> 00:05:11,643 Nothing my caulk can't handle. 124 00:05:11,870 --> 00:05:13,645 So you just... 125 00:05:13,797 --> 00:05:16,039 fill the hole with your caulk? 126 00:05:16,058 --> 00:05:18,208 Yes, it's very thick, 127 00:05:18,301 --> 00:05:20,210 and it stays hard forever. 128 00:05:20,303 --> 00:05:22,011 (moans) 129 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,307 MISSION CONTROL: We have liftoff on Operation Thirsty Housewife. 130 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,309 Repeat, we have liftoff. 131 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:30,245 (cheering) 132 00:05:37,821 --> 00:05:40,005 (rock music playing) 133 00:05:47,997 --> 00:05:49,589 I didn't say you could be in this. 134 00:05:49,741 --> 00:05:52,351 Well, it's still a bit moist, but should dry up soon. 135 00:05:52,502 --> 00:05:54,186 LOIS, MEG and STEWIE: Don't count on it. 136 00:05:54,413 --> 00:05:55,428 -What's that? -Nothing. 137 00:05:55,597 --> 00:05:57,189 Hey, um, I was hoping 138 00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:58,690 maybe you could come back tomorrow 139 00:05:58,842 --> 00:06:02,194 and fix our... sink or-or something? 140 00:06:02,345 --> 00:06:04,846 Well, I usually charge a minimum of two hours, so... 141 00:06:05,014 --> 00:06:07,924 why don't you call me when you have a few things for me to... 142 00:06:08,017 --> 00:06:10,452 -(banging, shattering) -(Lois and Meg grunting) 143 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,691 Okay, so for tomorrow, 144 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:18,118 could you fix a few windows, 145 00:06:18,270 --> 00:06:20,120 a door ripped off its hinges 146 00:06:20,196 --> 00:06:22,363 and a thermostat that was smashed with a... 147 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,716 -(indistinct whispers) -Fire poker. 148 00:06:24,826 --> 00:06:26,943 Whoa, talk about flaming hot. 149 00:06:27,036 --> 00:06:29,796 Bizarro Stewie, you rascal. 150 00:06:29,948 --> 00:06:31,948 We're buds now. (screams) 151 00:06:31,967 --> 00:06:34,017 Still getting used to that. 152 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,066 LOIS: Peter, the stairs are all wet from your swimsuit aga... 153 00:06:41,293 --> 00:06:43,718 -(screams, grunts) -(Lois falling down stairs) 154 00:06:43,812 --> 00:06:46,321 Put these in the shower. 155 00:06:47,983 --> 00:06:50,409 Lois, I work hard to keep this family 156 00:06:50,636 --> 00:06:52,986 in wet bathing suits, and at the end of the day, 157 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:55,247 all I want is to come home, relax, 158 00:06:55,323 --> 00:06:57,657 do a couple of rad jumps through Sprinkler City, 159 00:06:57,809 --> 00:06:59,901 and then enjoy a Popsicle on the front steps 160 00:06:59,995 --> 00:07:01,086 while I look at bugs. 161 00:07:01,163 --> 00:07:03,070 We don't deserve this guy. 162 00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,239 Hey, Dad? Rule number one, 163 00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,000 your wife is always right. 164 00:07:07,152 --> 00:07:09,577 Rule number two, if your wife is wrong, 165 00:07:09,746 --> 00:07:11,488 please refer to rule number one. 166 00:07:11,581 --> 00:07:14,916 (sniffs, laughs) I got to text that to my girl later. 167 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:16,176 Why not right now? 168 00:07:16,328 --> 00:07:18,845 Oh, she's probably eating dinner, 169 00:07:18,997 --> 00:07:21,088 and we believe family time is special. 170 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,166 Uh-huh. So, Chris, 171 00:07:23,259 --> 00:07:25,502 what's this "girl's" name, anyway? 172 00:07:25,595 --> 00:07:27,170 Jennifaire. 173 00:07:27,263 --> 00:07:28,688 Well, I'd love to see 174 00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,432 Jennifaire's Facebook page. 175 00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:33,785 Oh, we don't really believe in social media, 176 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,413 but I can show you a picture. 177 00:07:38,033 --> 00:07:39,182 What is this? 178 00:07:39,275 --> 00:07:41,017 It's an ad for Tim Hortons in Canada. 179 00:07:41,110 --> 00:07:42,294 She's a model for them. 180 00:07:42,445 --> 00:07:45,112 She gets her weight in coffee free every month. 181 00:07:45,207 --> 00:07:47,966 -That's too much coffee. -I also love coffee. 182 00:07:48,117 --> 00:07:50,802 It's important in relationships to have shared interests. 183 00:07:51,029 --> 00:07:52,471 You could learn from that, Dad. 184 00:07:52,622 --> 00:07:54,956 Look, I may have relationship problems, 185 00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,033 but at least I have a real relationship. 186 00:07:57,126 --> 00:07:58,626 What are you saying? 187 00:07:58,704 --> 00:08:00,812 You don't have a girlfriend. You made her up. 188 00:08:01,039 --> 00:08:03,056 No, I didn't. She's real. 189 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:05,299 She's real, huh? Well, then, let's go see her. 190 00:08:05,393 --> 00:08:07,986 You and I are going to Canada first thing in the morning. 191 00:08:08,137 --> 00:08:11,214 Peter, don't forget, you get the flu shot tomorrow morning. 192 00:08:11,233 --> 00:08:12,382 We're going to Canada right now. 193 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,550 And then, after, 194 00:08:13,643 --> 00:08:15,385 you're supposed to have your prostate exam. 195 00:08:15,403 --> 00:08:16,995 Tomorrow afternoon, we go to Canada. 196 00:08:17,146 --> 00:08:19,146 And then on Friday, we refill your Percocet prescription. 197 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,583 Sometime next week, we're going to Canada. 198 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,490 Peter, this is ridiculous. 199 00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,735 You don't have to drive all the way to Canada 200 00:08:31,753 --> 00:08:33,011 just to prove a point. 201 00:08:33,162 --> 00:08:35,180 Don't worry, Lois, he's gonna crack way before that. 202 00:08:35,382 --> 00:08:37,516 Well, at least bring this thick sweater. 203 00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:39,926 Canada is its only chance to get out. 204 00:08:40,078 --> 00:08:41,578 ALL: Larry. 205 00:08:41,580 --> 00:08:44,672 See you on the other side, boys, and when I get there, 206 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,191 I'll send you a cable. 207 00:08:46,342 --> 00:08:48,860 ANNOUNCER: This fall, Pixar presents: Sweaters. 208 00:08:49,012 --> 00:08:52,322 Pixar: We're not a guaranteed home run anymore. 209 00:08:54,183 --> 00:08:56,326 (sultry music playing) 210 00:08:58,430 --> 00:09:01,114 Wow, this short skirt is making my legs 211 00:09:01,266 --> 00:09:03,767 look long and sexy. 212 00:09:03,860 --> 00:09:05,710 Long legs, huh? 213 00:09:11,701 --> 00:09:13,677 (sultry music playing) 214 00:09:16,539 --> 00:09:19,349 ("Yankee Doodle" and sultry music play simultaneously) 215 00:09:23,121 --> 00:09:25,272 (Lois and Meg grunting) 216 00:09:26,808 --> 00:09:28,958 -(music stops) -Everything okay? 217 00:09:29,052 --> 00:09:32,612 (chuckles) Give us one sec, okay, Jamie? 218 00:09:33,723 --> 00:09:35,298 What the hell are you doing? 219 00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:37,150 Showing Jamie I have the sexiest 220 00:09:37,302 --> 00:09:39,302 and longest legs in this house. 221 00:09:39,395 --> 00:09:41,654 Oh, this is Mama's show, Meg. 222 00:09:41,823 --> 00:09:45,158 What are you talking about? You've got Dad. Jamie's mine. 223 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:48,903 Look, your dad's away, and it's time to load up my spank bank. 224 00:09:48,997 --> 00:09:51,405 All I need is one hug with a lower-back brush 225 00:09:51,499 --> 00:09:54,000 and a sniff of the neck, and I'm good for six years. 226 00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,002 It's not happening, old lady. 227 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,746 Meg, I'm warning you, if you don't back off, 228 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,340 I will end you. 229 00:10:00,492 --> 00:10:01,582 You wouldn't dare. 230 00:10:01,660 --> 00:10:04,519 (theme from Terms of Endearment playing) 231 00:10:10,852 --> 00:10:13,653 Only 100,000 meters to Canada. 232 00:10:13,763 --> 00:10:15,171 You stuck to your guns. 233 00:10:15,264 --> 00:10:17,357 No shame in admitting there's no girlfriend now. 234 00:10:17,509 --> 00:10:20,101 I'm not admitting something that's not true. 235 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,621 Well, hey, because you definitely have a girlfriend, 236 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,106 maybe you can tell me how you take a bra off. 237 00:10:25,183 --> 00:10:26,958 You just start blindly tugging 238 00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:29,628 until they sigh and do it themselves. 239 00:10:29,779 --> 00:10:32,279 Been watching your old man, huh? 240 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:35,358 Well, it sounds like you're quite the relationship expert. 241 00:10:35,451 --> 00:10:37,710 I'm sure you can tell me what sex is like. 242 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,787 I could, or maybe 243 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:42,474 you could tell me what sex is like. 244 00:10:42,550 --> 00:10:46,627 Oh, I could for sure tell you exactly what sex is like. 245 00:10:47,630 --> 00:10:50,206 ♪ I got a brand-new pair of roller skates ♪ 246 00:10:50,225 --> 00:10:53,042 ♪ You got a brand-new key ♪ 247 00:10:53,061 --> 00:10:55,712 ♪ I think that we should get together ♪ 248 00:10:55,730 --> 00:10:58,898 ♪ And try them out, you see ♪ 249 00:10:59,050 --> 00:11:01,326 ♪ I been looking around a while ♪ 250 00:11:01,553 --> 00:11:03,828 ♪ You got something for me ♪ 251 00:11:03,980 --> 00:11:07,390 ♪ Oh, I got a brand-new pair of roller skates ♪ 252 00:11:07,483 --> 00:11:10,335 ♪ You got a brand-new key. ♪ 253 00:11:11,821 --> 00:11:14,339 Jamie will be here any minute to start on some repairs. 254 00:11:14,566 --> 00:11:16,675 I don't want any more drama, Meg. 255 00:11:16,826 --> 00:11:18,401 You won't get any from me. 256 00:11:18,494 --> 00:11:19,344 (knock on door) 257 00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:22,180 Hey, there's the birthday girl. 258 00:11:22,331 --> 00:11:25,225 (chuckles): What? What are you talking about? 259 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,264 Hi. I'm with Kassabian Sheep Shearing. 260 00:11:31,416 --> 00:11:33,525 I'm here to shave Meg's back. 261 00:11:38,514 --> 00:11:41,515 So, my doctor was like, "Oh, my gosh, you're so young 262 00:11:41,609 --> 00:11:44,035 you should probably be going to a pediatrician." 263 00:11:44,187 --> 00:11:45,428 A baby doctor? 264 00:11:45,597 --> 00:11:48,281 Yeah, no, j-just as a joke because, you know, 265 00:11:48,433 --> 00:11:50,116 I seem so young, I think. 266 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,693 Hey, Mom, I'm doing a school report. 267 00:11:52,713 --> 00:11:54,379 Who was president when you were born? 268 00:11:54,530 --> 00:11:57,048 Uh, Dwight D. Ei-- Oh, you bitch. 269 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,533 Clinton. Dwight D. Clinton. 270 00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:03,780 I did not have sexual relations with that woman 271 00:12:03,782 --> 00:12:05,782 because I am extremely old 272 00:12:05,875 --> 00:12:08,351 and have a windsock penis. 273 00:12:11,473 --> 00:12:13,957 Look, I know how attached you are to your girl, 274 00:12:13,975 --> 00:12:17,977 but I for one am very curious to see a Canadian strip club. 275 00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:20,405 (rock music playing) 276 00:12:20,632 --> 00:12:24,650 ANNOUNCER: Fellas, put your mittens together for Brandi. 277 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,995 ♪ ♪ 278 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:45,822 God, just imagine when she takes off 279 00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,265 her middle pair of socks. 280 00:12:47,492 --> 00:12:49,325 Dad, what are we even doing here? 281 00:12:49,418 --> 00:12:51,344 I'm in a committed relationship. 282 00:12:51,496 --> 00:12:53,754 Geez, relax. I figured maybe you'd like seeing 283 00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:54,773 a real girl or two. 284 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,165 Real girl? 285 00:12:56,184 --> 00:12:58,092 I can't believe you still won't accept 286 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,277 that I have a girlfriend. 287 00:12:59,428 --> 00:13:01,354 It's just, it's just, it's not adding up. 288 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:04,841 Oh, please. Mom's way out of your league, 289 00:13:04,859 --> 00:13:07,693 so why can't you get it through your thick and huge head 290 00:13:07,846 --> 00:13:09,270 that I found someone great? 291 00:13:09,364 --> 00:13:12,198 Head's not that huge, and Mom is not way out of my league. 292 00:13:12,350 --> 00:13:14,517 We both have strengths and weaknesses as people. 293 00:13:14,536 --> 00:13:17,111 Shut up. You're the luckiest guy on earth. 294 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:19,372 Mom's hot and does everything. 295 00:13:19,524 --> 00:13:21,448 You're not hot and do nothing. 296 00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,784 You know why I don't believe you have a girlfriend? 297 00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:26,638 -Why? -Because you're a fat loser. 298 00:13:26,865 --> 00:13:28,389 (gasps) 299 00:13:29,701 --> 00:13:31,309 (crying): I hate you. 300 00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:33,870 Ah, Chris, I didn't mean... (groans) 301 00:13:33,888 --> 00:13:37,649 Oh, no, I probably just ruined his self-esteem forever. 302 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,710 ANNOUNCER: Please welcome our next dancer, 303 00:13:40,728 --> 00:13:42,320 Chris Griffin. 304 00:13:42,547 --> 00:13:47,242 (sobbing): This is because of you, Daddy. 305 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,893 Come on, Chris, get in the car. 306 00:13:56,986 --> 00:13:59,838 No. You called me a fat loser. 307 00:14:00,065 --> 00:14:03,416 Yeah, like P-H, phat, and P-H, loser. 308 00:14:04,493 --> 00:14:06,660 Okay, I didn't want to resort to this, 309 00:14:06,754 --> 00:14:09,163 but I have a Mountain Dew with limited-edition 310 00:14:09,257 --> 00:14:11,432 X Games packaging in here. 311 00:14:12,594 --> 00:14:14,519 You're playing dirty pool. 312 00:14:14,746 --> 00:14:17,438 As a teen, I'm required to be excited by that. 313 00:14:19,008 --> 00:14:22,418 Wow, flatland skateboarder Rodney Mullen. 314 00:14:22,437 --> 00:14:23,695 (soda fizzes) 315 00:14:23,846 --> 00:14:25,346 (slurps) 316 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,256 Ah. 317 00:14:27,275 --> 00:14:29,926 As soon as I finish this bottle and then bring it home 318 00:14:30,019 --> 00:14:31,944 to put on a display shelf in my room, 319 00:14:32,021 --> 00:14:34,622 I'm going back to walk on the road. 320 00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:39,936 Hey, Jamie. 321 00:14:40,046 --> 00:14:42,105 I just baked some cookies when you're ready for a break. 322 00:14:42,198 --> 00:14:44,123 Man, you guys are spoiling me. 323 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,426 Let me work on these gutters first. 324 00:14:49,705 --> 00:14:52,515 ♪ ♪ 325 00:14:58,381 --> 00:15:00,565 (screams) 326 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,384 (grunting) 327 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:05,528 (rapid grunting, yelps) 328 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,248 -(groans) -(sizzling) 329 00:15:18,643 --> 00:15:20,476 I'm okay. 330 00:15:20,495 --> 00:15:21,586 Oh, thank God. 331 00:15:23,906 --> 00:15:25,757 -(both gasp) -Oh, my God, Jamie. 332 00:15:25,908 --> 00:15:27,150 Ja... 333 00:15:27,168 --> 00:15:30,595 It's out. It's out. It's very out. 334 00:15:33,082 --> 00:15:34,933 (somber organ music playing) 335 00:15:35,084 --> 00:15:36,768 And as they say, 336 00:15:36,995 --> 00:15:38,844 when God takes a handyman, 337 00:15:38,939 --> 00:15:40,939 he must need a cloud fixed. 338 00:15:41,166 --> 00:15:44,925 We miss you, Jamie. Our Carhartts are broken. 339 00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:48,762 Now, please join us for an Arby's catered reception. 340 00:15:48,856 --> 00:15:51,357 We ask that you leave your cups and cigarette butts 341 00:15:51,509 --> 00:15:54,010 on the ground or in attic crawl spaces 342 00:15:54,103 --> 00:15:56,412 to be found years later. 343 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,463 I-I can't... You look so much like him. 344 00:16:05,690 --> 00:16:07,023 Jamie was my twin brother. 345 00:16:07,192 --> 00:16:09,616 Oh, you must be so sad. 346 00:16:09,711 --> 00:16:11,711 Are you also a handyman? 347 00:16:11,863 --> 00:16:13,304 No, I'm an inner thigh masseuse, 348 00:16:13,456 --> 00:16:15,289 specializing in moms in their 40s. 349 00:16:15,366 --> 00:16:19,143 (purrs) You must need a hug. 350 00:16:19,370 --> 00:16:20,812 (moans) 351 00:16:20,963 --> 00:16:22,463 (sniffs) 352 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,315 (moans) 353 00:16:25,634 --> 00:16:27,877 In Florida, which is where I'm headed back to now. 354 00:16:27,895 --> 00:16:29,654 Nice meeting you. 355 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:36,244 Sorry, bro. Three's a tough number for travel. 356 00:16:42,985 --> 00:16:45,244 (clears throat) 357 00:16:45,396 --> 00:16:47,246 Maybe we should try the radio. 358 00:16:47,398 --> 00:16:49,749 DJ: You're listening to Canadian Sports Talk Radio. 359 00:16:49,901 --> 00:16:51,400 How aboot our teams, eh? 360 00:16:51,419 --> 00:16:53,586 They're all oot there trying super hard, 361 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,238 and that's what matters most. 362 00:16:55,331 --> 00:16:57,256 DJ 2: Yeah, outstanding effort all around. 363 00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:58,516 What a neat group of guys. 364 00:16:58,667 --> 00:16:59,925 DJ 1: Great point, bud. 365 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:03,079 The players are nice, and coach does the best he can... 366 00:17:03,097 --> 00:17:04,671 Bunch of bums. 367 00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:06,766 (Chris sniffling) 368 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,602 (whimpering) 369 00:17:09,696 --> 00:17:12,846 -You okay? -What do you care? 370 00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:14,574 (tires screech) 371 00:17:15,777 --> 00:17:17,518 (inhales deeply) 372 00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:19,945 I'm sorry for calling you a fat loser. 373 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,689 It really hurt my feelings. 374 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:23,949 Why would you do that? 375 00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,693 Well, this is hard for me to admit, but... 376 00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,379 I used to be a fat loser. 377 00:17:28,531 --> 00:17:29,380 What? 378 00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:30,606 In high school, 379 00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:32,533 I said I had a hot Canadian girlfriend 380 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,111 and that she was the Vanna White of Canada. 381 00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:37,037 Nobody believed me, so I made up a game show 382 00:17:37,131 --> 00:17:39,131 at an all-school assembly to prove it. 383 00:17:39,284 --> 00:17:42,376 Okay, so earlier, you said the winner of round one 384 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:44,378 is immune from the sudden death round? 385 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:47,139 -They are. -But our handout says the sudden death round 386 00:17:47,292 --> 00:17:49,049 is part of the champions circle, 387 00:17:49,069 --> 00:17:50,568 which determines the winner. 388 00:17:50,719 --> 00:17:53,529 So, the round one winner can't win the game? 389 00:18:01,806 --> 00:18:04,473 Eventually, it all worked out. I met your mom, 390 00:18:04,492 --> 00:18:06,733 I Brett Kavanaugh-ed her up some stairs 391 00:18:06,828 --> 00:18:08,477 and accidentally had Meg. 392 00:18:08,479 --> 00:18:10,737 But high school was a rough couple of years. 393 00:18:10,832 --> 00:18:13,316 Wow, Dad, I-I had no idea. 394 00:18:13,334 --> 00:18:15,318 I never told anyone that story. 395 00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,670 I just wanted to save you from some of the pain 396 00:18:17,822 --> 00:18:19,322 and humiliation I went through. 397 00:18:19,415 --> 00:18:21,340 You and I are a lot alike. 398 00:18:21,492 --> 00:18:22,583 You think so? 399 00:18:22,677 --> 00:18:24,176 I know so. 400 00:18:24,329 --> 00:18:26,086 I sure do love you, son. 401 00:18:26,106 --> 00:18:27,997 I love you, too, Dad. 402 00:18:28,015 --> 00:18:30,191 ♪ ♪ 403 00:18:34,930 --> 00:18:36,930 -This the spot? -Looks like it. 404 00:18:36,950 --> 00:18:39,008 I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself 405 00:18:39,101 --> 00:18:40,509 about your girlfriend. 406 00:18:40,528 --> 00:18:42,345 I'm glad we took this trip together. 407 00:18:42,513 --> 00:18:43,996 Me, too, Dad. 408 00:18:52,357 --> 00:18:55,133 Hey, Dad, I just wanted to say thanks. 409 00:19:04,369 --> 00:19:07,103 (sighs) 410 00:19:14,136 --> 00:19:16,136 There's no girlfriend. 411 00:19:16,230 --> 00:19:18,305 I made the whole thing up. 412 00:19:18,399 --> 00:19:21,884 I guess we're both a couple of fat losers, huh, Dad? 413 00:19:21,903 --> 00:19:23,235 It's okay, buddy. 414 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,054 And what do you say we head home? 415 00:19:25,072 --> 00:19:26,813 And on the way, we can even watch 416 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,391 that new Pixar movie Sweaters. 417 00:19:28,409 --> 00:19:32,211 -Another home run? -You bet it might be. 418 00:19:34,732 --> 00:19:36,465 (cell phone chimes) 419 00:19:42,998 --> 00:19:45,099 (cell phone buzzes) 420 00:19:53,100 --> 00:19:55,251 Well, that was quite an adventure, 421 00:19:55,344 --> 00:19:56,919 but I'm happy to be home. 422 00:19:57,012 --> 00:19:59,846 -I'm happy you're back, too. -Where's Dad? 423 00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,441 Oh, he had his 25th high school reunion. 424 00:20:02,535 --> 00:20:04,368 And then whoever has the most points 425 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:06,704 is named the "Moose with the Most." 426 00:20:06,931 --> 00:20:08,113 Any questions? 427 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:10,541 Yeah, if the show was so popular in Canada, 428 00:20:10,768 --> 00:20:13,026 how come they never showed reruns in the States? 429 00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:15,438 Good question. It was created by the CBC, 430 00:20:15,456 --> 00:20:18,699 which is a pipeline to the BBC, which ran it quite regularly, 431 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,534 but that preexisted BBC America, 432 00:20:20,703 --> 00:20:23,036 so there was no U.S. system in place. Next. 433 00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:26,782 Yeah, say you win a trip in the Moose Pit Challenge, 434 00:20:26,875 --> 00:20:30,453 but you're unable to go due to some previous conflict? 435 00:20:30,546 --> 00:20:32,638 You have one calendar year to take the trip. 436 00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:35,641 And if you win the Cash Bash, are you taxed on your winnings? 437 00:20:35,793 --> 00:20:38,218 You have to declare the gross amount on your taxes that year. 438 00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:40,129 -Oh, sure. -Yeah, makes sense. 439 00:20:40,298 --> 00:20:42,439 Guys, I've had 25 years to perfect this. 440 00:20:42,666 --> 00:20:45,076 -You're not gonna stump me. -Yeah, you said it was the best-rated show 441 00:20:45,303 --> 00:20:48,079 in Nunavut in the '90s, but Nunavut wasn't separated 442 00:20:48,306 --> 00:20:51,499 from the Northwest Territories until 1999.