1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:04,703 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:08,006 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:11,576 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,611 --> 00:00:14,579 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,614 --> 00:00:18,083 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:18,118 --> 00:00:21,420 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,921 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,322 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,357 --> 00:00:29,928 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,370 I got to say, some days I wish 11 00:00:38,405 --> 00:00:40,272 I didn't have a sister. 12 00:00:40,307 --> 00:00:43,008 Oh... 13 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,209 What? Nothing. 14 00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:45,544 Oh, I thought you asked me 15 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,079 what was going on with my sister. 16 00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:50,115 I did not. 17 00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:51,950 Hey, look. Tom Tucker. 18 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,285 Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. 19 00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:55,420 Coming up, tonight's second story. 20 00:00:55,455 --> 00:00:57,456 But first, Quahog says good-bye 21 00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:58,757 to an old friend. 22 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,759 That's right, Tom. Medieval Castle, 23 00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:03,128 which has been a staple of family entertainment and dining, 24 00:01:03,163 --> 00:01:04,463 is closing its doors. 25 00:01:04,498 --> 00:01:06,298 The restaurant has gone into foreclosure, 26 00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:08,366 and will be up for auction tomorrow. 27 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:10,735 Yes, hard to believe a place where you eat with your hands 28 00:01:10,770 --> 00:01:12,204 next to piles of horse dung 29 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,039 while untrained theater students fight 30 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,708 with real swords could be drowning in lawsuits. 31 00:01:16,743 --> 00:01:18,710 Medieval Castle? I love that place. 32 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,779 My sister almost got a job there once. 33 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,115 Guys, we should go to that auction tomorrow and buy it. 34 00:01:23,150 --> 00:01:24,683 I mean, can you imagine if we had our own 35 00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:26,084 medieval castle? 36 00:01:26,119 --> 00:01:27,153 I bet it'd be even more fun 37 00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:28,987 than when I went to White Castle. 38 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:34,693 Huh. Name's a little deceiving. 39 00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,001 What's wrong with you? 40 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:45,003 Oh, it's my back. It's killing me. 41 00:01:45,038 --> 00:01:47,606 Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot-oil massage bit again. 42 00:01:47,641 --> 00:01:49,007 No, this time it's not a bit. 43 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:50,242 I'm really hurt. 44 00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,277 I must have jacked it up playing sports 45 00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:54,579 and not trying to dance like Beyoncé. 46 00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:55,848 Wow. If you're in that much pain, 47 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:56,849 I better tell Lois. 48 00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:58,316 Please don't. 49 00:01:58,351 --> 00:01:59,784 Then she'll drive me to the doctor, 50 00:01:59,819 --> 00:02:01,953 and I hate being in the car with her. 51 00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:05,023 ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ 52 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:08,360 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ 53 00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:10,695 ♪ Shut the door, baby, don't say a word ♪ 54 00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:13,999 Okay, I guess that's not my part. 55 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:19,604 There it is, guys. Aw, this is gonna be awesome! 56 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:20,972 We just got to win this auction, 57 00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:22,607 and then we'll have our own castle. 58 00:02:22,642 --> 00:02:25,810 Oh, yeah? Over my dead tooth! 59 00:02:25,845 --> 00:02:28,046 Good afternoon, and welcome to today's auction. 60 00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:29,648 I'm Al Harrington, of Al Harrington's. 61 00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:31,216 Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing. 62 00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,984 Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. 63 00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:34,452 Due to the presence of black mold, 64 00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,121 discarded half-eaten turkey legs, 65 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,823 and an undulating rat king that no one dares approach, 66 00:02:38,858 --> 00:02:41,159 I have been advised to move these proceedings along 67 00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:42,494 as quickly as possible. 68 00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:44,496 Do I hear an opening bid? Anyone. 69 00:02:44,531 --> 00:02:46,698 Do I hear an opening bid for this majestic 70 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,166 fiberglass castle facade, 71 00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:50,569 masking what was once a Midas Muffler shop? 72 00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:51,736 Two bits. 73 00:02:51,771 --> 00:02:54,172 Two bits. That's 25 cents in the Old West. 74 00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:57,642 We have 25 cents. Do I hear higher than 25 cents? 75 00:02:57,677 --> 00:03:00,845 This paper bag, which could be full of money or my socks. 76 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,047 You take the chance. 77 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:03,848 We have an intriguing mystery bag. 78 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:06,017 Do I hear more than the mystery bag? 79 00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:08,019 Two bits and a cardboard box, 80 00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:11,389 which may or may not contain a mystery bag. 81 00:03:11,424 --> 00:03:13,158 Already the most challenging auction 82 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,426 I have ever been a part of. 83 00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:15,727 Do I hear a higher bid 84 00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:17,896 from that James Bond villain over there? 85 00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:20,865 50 kroner. 86 00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:22,534 Which, converted to American currency, 87 00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,202 is $7.40. 88 00:03:24,237 --> 00:03:27,272 Do I hear a much higher bid, followed by shocked murmuring? 89 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,874 $10,000! 90 00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:32,677 I'm shocked. That's shocking. We're all shocked. 91 00:03:32,712 --> 00:03:34,179 We can't afford that. 92 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:35,947 Peter, do something. I can't. 93 00:03:35,982 --> 00:03:38,717 There's only $9,000 in the mystery bag. 94 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:40,418 Due to my 12:00 noon court appointment 95 00:03:40,453 --> 00:03:42,354 as part of a crippling child-custody battle 96 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,855 with my horrific ex-wife, 97 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:46,124 I am saying going once, going twice, 98 00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:49,894 and awarding this condemned building to you...! 99 00:03:51,564 --> 00:03:52,764 Damn, it, we lost! 100 00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,300 I guess the castle was a crazy idea anyway. 101 00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:56,901 I should probably just invest this money 102 00:03:56,936 --> 00:03:58,570 in a 401-Gay. 103 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,841 And how long before I can take this out? 104 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:09,547 Man, those losers don't deserve that castle. 105 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,716 I would call my sister about this 106 00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,785 if she were able to answer the phone. 107 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,421 Poor thing. 108 00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:17,722 Poor, poor thing. 109 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:20,225 Well, you know, in castle times, 110 00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,926 if you wanted something, you just took it. 111 00:04:21,961 --> 00:04:23,094 What are you talking about? 112 00:04:23,129 --> 00:04:25,664 I'm saying the four of us should storm that castle 113 00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:27,065 and take it for ourselves. 114 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,767 Should we do it with careful planning, 115 00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:31,569 or have another couple beers and then just go for it? 116 00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:32,771 Well, let's make that decision 117 00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:34,673 after another couple beers. 118 00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:41,813 I checked with my mom, and she said 119 00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:45,083 it was cool with her if we wanted to sleep here tonight. 120 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,152 I'm pretty sure I can. Count me in. 121 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:50,122 I'm gonna have to go home and get my pillow. 122 00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:57,629 Yes, you heard me right, cancel my insurance. 123 00:04:57,664 --> 00:05:00,131 I've been in this location for 40 years, 124 00:05:00,166 --> 00:05:02,334 and never once have I broken a lamp. 125 00:05:02,369 --> 00:05:04,069 Good day, sir. 126 00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:10,275 God, I hope he's got insurance. 127 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,476 Of course he's got insurance. 128 00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:13,645 He's been at this location for 40 years. 129 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,816 Yes, you heard me right. 130 00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:19,684 Cancel my husband's life insurance. 131 00:05:19,719 --> 00:05:21,820 He's been in perfect health for 40 years. 132 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,356 We're selling the lamp store and going to travel. 133 00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:26,891 We need this after losing both our children. 134 00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,660 Good day, sir. 135 00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:33,965 All right, plan "B." 136 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:36,501 We'll shoot flaming arrows, like in Robin Hood. 137 00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:39,070 So should I be aiming for an open window, 138 00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:40,672 or just arcing it over the wall? 139 00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:42,040 I don't know, I've never seen the movie, 140 00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:43,475 just the Bryan Adams video. 141 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,009 Oh, such a good song. 142 00:05:45,044 --> 00:05:46,044 Archers... 143 00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:47,178 Yeah? 144 00:05:47,213 --> 00:05:48,813 Oh, yeah, he's that guy, too. 145 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,615 Prepare to fire. 146 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:01,426 I wonder what they're gonna put here. 147 00:06:01,461 --> 00:06:02,494 Trader Joe's? 148 00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:05,530 Oh, I would love a Trader Joe's! 149 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,503 Sorry to keep you, I was reading this. 150 00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,438 Highlights magazine in the waiting room. 151 00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:15,840 Do you see any differences between these two pictures? 152 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:17,842 Oh, the pie has a wedge removed. 153 00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:19,511 Yes, yes. 154 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,446 Dr. Hartman, were you able to tell anything 155 00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:22,714 from Stewie's X rays? 156 00:06:22,749 --> 00:06:25,116 Oh, yeah. Little guy's got scoliosis. 157 00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:26,684 Oh, my God. 158 00:06:26,719 --> 00:06:29,754 Oh, no, am I gonna be a big-shoe, small-shoe guy? 159 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:31,189 But don't worry, he'll be fine. 160 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,091 He just needs to wear this brace for a while 161 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:35,093 to correct it. Oh, dear. 162 00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,462 Now, does he have any school pictures coming up? 163 00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:39,030 Yeah, he actually does. 164 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,165 Well, then, this will not be 165 00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:42,567 a "refrigerator door" year. 166 00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:48,440 All right, this says if we don't get arrested 167 00:06:48,475 --> 00:06:49,941 for the next six months, 168 00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:52,444 the arson and mayhem charges will be dropped. 169 00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:53,978 Hey, sorry again, you guys. 170 00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,146 Ah, no harm done. 171 00:06:55,181 --> 00:06:56,781 Yeah, no hard feelings, fellas. 172 00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:58,316 I've already forgotten about it. 173 00:06:58,351 --> 00:07:00,652 I'm too busy thinking about my hot date tonight. 174 00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:02,420 Yeah, right. "Hot date." 175 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:04,289 With your left hand or your right hand? 176 00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:07,125 Actually, I use both and do, like, an Indian burn. 177 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,927 But that's not what this is. 178 00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,795 Tonight I'm getting lucky. 179 00:07:10,830 --> 00:07:11,996 Hi, are you Mort? 180 00:07:12,031 --> 00:07:14,533 Why, yes, I am. 181 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:18,503 What the hell was that? Mort's getting laid? 182 00:07:18,538 --> 00:07:20,738 Yeah, thanks to Tinder, he's had a different girl 183 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:22,340 every night this week. 184 00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:23,475 What's "Tinder"? 185 00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:24,676 It's an app for your phone 186 00:07:24,711 --> 00:07:26,511 where two strangers can hook up 187 00:07:26,546 --> 00:07:28,346 for a dirty liaison. 188 00:07:28,381 --> 00:07:29,647 What, like hookers? Nope. 189 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,449 Just two horny people with phones. 190 00:07:31,484 --> 00:07:32,617 Wait, I don't get it. 191 00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:34,219 So you hit 'em on the head with your phone 192 00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:35,220 and knock 'em out? 193 00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:36,661 No, you just swipe someone's picture, 194 00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:38,089 they come over, and you plow 'em. 195 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,325 Wow! I gotta try this. 196 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,193 I mean, easy sex on the Internet? 197 00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,262 Did you know about this, Scott Baio? 198 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:45,530 Uh, yeah. 199 00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:46,865 And you, Scott Caan? 200 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:50,134 Did you also know about easy sex on the Internet? Yes. 201 00:07:50,169 --> 00:07:53,304 And how about you, douche bag music producer Scott Storch? 202 00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:56,575 Quagmire, all the Scotts know about it. 203 00:08:02,081 --> 00:08:04,549 Okay, let's get me set up on this Tinder thing. 204 00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:06,117 I can't wait to start getting laid 205 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,285 at the push of a button. 206 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,153 Well, first you got to set up your profile. 207 00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:10,589 Oh, yeah, I've been working on that. 208 00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,323 I wrote several long paragraphs 209 00:08:12,358 --> 00:08:14,692 describing my interests, some pet peeves, 210 00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:17,395 choice of wine, a couple of inspirational quotes, 211 00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:19,030 things I've learned from my cats... 212 00:08:19,065 --> 00:08:20,231 No, no, no, no. None of that. 213 00:08:20,266 --> 00:08:22,200 You want a naked bathroom selfie 214 00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,969 covering your stuff with a fistful of $100 bills. 215 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:28,573 That shows you like sex, and you got mon-ay! 216 00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:29,908 Well, that seems a bit crude. 217 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,910 Oh, she's cute. 218 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,478 And wearing a yin-yang necklace. 219 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,880 That's interesting. I wonder what beach that is. 220 00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:37,215 No, no, no. Give me that. 221 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,784 Here, you see this? You see what I'm doing? 222 00:08:38,785 --> 00:08:40,585 Not even looking. I'm swiping "yes." 223 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:43,087 Yes, yes, yes. Casting a wide net. 224 00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:44,422 Heh, look at this. 225 00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,424 You already got a hit. And she sent a message. 226 00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:49,027 She did? What am I looking at here? 227 00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:51,162 It's mostly small, colorful pictures. 228 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:53,164 Those are emojis. Read 'em. 229 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:55,733 Okay, it says "Hey," and then a kissy face, 230 00:08:55,768 --> 00:08:58,369 and then, like, a saucy, smirking face, 231 00:08:58,404 --> 00:09:00,238 three balloons, and a locomotive. 232 00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:01,306 What the hell is all this? 233 00:09:01,307 --> 00:09:03,675 Maybe she likes you. Send something back. 234 00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:07,345 Okay. "Dearest Theresa, I hope this finds you well." 235 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,914 I so appreciated your last communication..." 236 00:09:09,949 --> 00:09:12,116 No, stop, stop! God, stop, stop. 237 00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:15,320 Just send her an eggplant and the erupting volcano. 238 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:23,695 All right, take a gander. 239 00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,797 Gawk at the Elephant Man. Let's get it all out. 240 00:09:25,832 --> 00:09:28,900 There's our brave guy. Brave? 241 00:09:28,935 --> 00:09:30,868 And just for being such a trooper, 242 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:32,470 I thought maybe you could be 243 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,238 the first in line for snack today. 244 00:09:34,273 --> 00:09:36,474 Really? On pretzel day? 245 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:39,477 And after that, you can hold the bunny! 246 00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:40,645 Yeah, I'll pass on that. 247 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:42,647 But the pretzel thing sounds up my alley. 248 00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,649 Now, if I could just find someone 249 00:09:44,684 --> 00:09:46,651 to wear this hero hat. 250 00:09:46,686 --> 00:09:49,988 I think I found him. 251 00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,824 Well, I say, that was a pleasant surprise. 252 00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,959 You know, like when a woman in a Porsche Cayenne 253 00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:56,661 isn't a complete bitch. 254 00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:02,166 Huh. Well, I did not expect that. 255 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,103 I wasn't telling you to go, 256 00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,706 I was trying to smell my own fart. 257 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:15,747 Hi, are you Courtney, from Tinder? 258 00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:17,649 You must be Glenn. I got you these. 259 00:10:17,684 --> 00:10:19,517 A lovely bouquet for a lovely... 260 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,786 Yeah, take off your pants and sit on the coffee table. 261 00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:23,921 Okay. 262 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:25,623 That was great. 263 00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:27,358 And we can still make our reservation. 264 00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:28,593 What? Why? 265 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,194 We already had sex. Wait. 266 00:10:30,229 --> 00:10:32,764 So I don't have to make small-talk with you 267 00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,999 or spend any money? Of course not. 268 00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:38,269 Here, wipe yourself off with this West Elm catalog. 269 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,505 My God, this app is amazing! 270 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,574 Thank you, cell phone Jesus. 271 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,143 Huh? 272 00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,512 Oh, yeah, fine. 273 00:10:51,718 --> 00:10:55,353 ♪ Oh, feeling crazy ♪ 274 00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,388 ♪ The moon is up ♪ 275 00:10:57,423 --> 00:10:59,624 ♪ The night is hazy ♪ 276 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,559 ♪ Let's got lost ♪ 277 00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,828 ♪ In the shadows ♪ 278 00:11:03,863 --> 00:11:05,296 ♪ Somewhere we can go ♪ 279 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,899 ♪ And no one else can find ♪ 280 00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:10,702 ♪ Loosen up your body till you come undone ♪ 281 00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:13,037 ♪ Loosen up your body, baby, come undone ♪ 282 00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:16,708 ♪ Oh, my, my, looking like a good, good time ♪ 283 00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:19,043 ♪ Don't disguise ♪ 284 00:11:19,078 --> 00:11:21,379 ♪ The way you wanna love tonight ♪ 285 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,214 ♪ Oh, my, my ♪ 286 00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,650 ♪ Hook you with a brand-new high ♪ 287 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:29,387 ♪ Don't be shy, I just wanna live tonight ♪ 288 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:32,791 ♪ Live a little ♪ 289 00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,429 So, how's it going with the back brace? 290 00:11:38,464 --> 00:11:39,798 Are people giving you a hard time? 291 00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,099 Quite the contrary, Brian. 292 00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,401 Apparently, people love the wretched. 293 00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:45,169 Thanks to this thing, I was offered seats 294 00:11:45,204 --> 00:11:47,905 directly behind home plate at Fenway. 295 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:50,408 I passed. 296 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,343 Wow, that patient next door 297 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,911 is fat. 298 00:11:53,946 --> 00:11:55,213 I can hear you. 299 00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,248 Uh, that wasn't me, that was Mrs. Griffin. 300 00:11:57,283 --> 00:11:59,283 So, I've got Stewie's results here. 301 00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:00,785 Um, it appears the back brace 302 00:12:00,820 --> 00:12:02,687 has corrected the spine very nicely. 303 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,921 That's wonderful. 304 00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:05,923 Stewie doesn't have to wear the brace anymore. 305 00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,126 What? No! I can't give this thing up. 306 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,260 Wait, what do you mean? 307 00:12:09,295 --> 00:12:10,595 You want to keep wearing the brace? 308 00:12:10,596 --> 00:12:11,763 Of course I do. 309 00:12:11,798 --> 00:12:13,498 It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. 310 00:12:13,499 --> 00:12:14,766 When I wear this brace, 311 00:12:14,801 --> 00:12:16,934 I get pampered like the queen of England. 312 00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:20,772 So, I have the most money in the world, right? 313 00:12:20,807 --> 00:12:22,106 Yes, Your Majesty. 314 00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:24,909 Great. Can you make sure my hair 315 00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:28,212 looks like anyone in a nursing home? 316 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,248 ♪ ♪ 317 00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:38,422 All right, hitting the links. 318 00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:41,259 Joe, golf shorts may not be the right look for you. 319 00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:42,460 It's gonna be a nice day. 320 00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,061 Not for us, if you wear those. 321 00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:45,663 Well, that seems a little hurtful. 322 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:48,299 Hey, where's Quagmire? Our tee time's in 20 minutes. 323 00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:49,567 I don't know. 324 00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,337 I haven't seen much of him since he discovered Tinder. 325 00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:57,876 Tinder? 326 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,185 Quagmire, come on. It's time for golf. 327 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,187 I swipe "no" on golf. 328 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:12,023 Smells kind of gamey in here. 329 00:13:12,058 --> 00:13:14,759 Swipe "yes" on Betsy. Swipe "yes" on Jennifer. 330 00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:18,196 Swipe "yes" on Andrea. Swipe "yes" on all the lady faces. 331 00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:20,698 Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. 332 00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,768 Let's, uh, let's get a little light in here, huh, buddy? 333 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,369 The yellow face! 334 00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:27,371 It burns my Tinder! 335 00:13:27,406 --> 00:13:29,473 Oh, my God, he's lost it. 336 00:13:29,508 --> 00:13:33,277 That app's turned Quagmire into some kind of sex ghoul. 337 00:13:33,312 --> 00:13:35,914 The way he's crouching, there's a teste peeking out. 338 00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:44,155 Hey, listen, Quagmire, 339 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:45,990 you're our friend, all right? 340 00:13:46,025 --> 00:13:47,325 We hate to see you like this. 341 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,860 I don't have any friends, 342 00:13:48,895 --> 00:13:51,128 only sex people from the phone. 343 00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:52,463 You got to stop this. 344 00:13:52,498 --> 00:13:54,966 It looks like you haven't left this room in weeks. 345 00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,635 No need to leave. They all come here. 346 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,238 Sometimes they bring burgers and cheese. 347 00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:02,473 Hey, come on, Quagmire, let's go for a walk, huh? 348 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,508 Get some fresh air... oh, for God's sake. 349 00:14:04,543 --> 00:14:06,644 You're gonna have a baby in your butt, man. 350 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,712 Can't leave. 351 00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:10,314 "Heather within five miles" is coming. 352 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:14,719 Are you "Glenn within five miles"? 353 00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:16,754 I can take my glass eye out 354 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:18,756 if you want to try something different. 355 00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:22,159 I got a good feeling about her. Maybe she's the one. 356 00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:23,861 Let's do it in the garage. 357 00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:27,098 It's kind of cold, but we can do sweaters on, pants off. 358 00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,934 Look, he left his phone. 359 00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:31,736 I'm just gonna nudge it with my knee 360 00:14:31,771 --> 00:14:34,939 into this empty pizza box... and it's stuck to my knee. 361 00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:37,609 Let's, uh, let's just go. 362 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,912 All right, we got to just throw that phone away 363 00:14:40,947 --> 00:14:42,546 and end this once and for all. 364 00:14:42,581 --> 00:14:45,283 Yeah, no kidding. Quagmire's in bad shape. 365 00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:48,319 He looks worse than I did after that day at the beach. 366 00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,991 I spanked somebody else's kid. 367 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,400 Sorry I was late. 368 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,101 You're still wearing that back brace? 369 00:15:04,136 --> 00:15:05,369 That can't be good for you. 370 00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,172 Dr. Hartman said you were done with that thing. 371 00:15:07,173 --> 00:15:08,806 I'm not gonna listen to that bozo. 372 00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:10,008 Of course I'm still wearing it. 373 00:15:10,009 --> 00:15:11,809 Watch me jump this line. 374 00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,444 Excuse me, I have scoliosis. 375 00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:15,813 Excuse me. Scoliosis, coming through. 376 00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:17,715 Hey, pal. Polio. 377 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:20,852 A thousand apologies. 378 00:15:25,958 --> 00:15:27,992 Swipe. Swipe. Swipe. 379 00:15:28,027 --> 00:15:29,627 Come on, I'm not getting any matches! 380 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,462 All right, Quagmire, we got to talk. 381 00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:33,631 This whole thing's out of control, Quagmire. 382 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:34,999 You got to get off Tinder. 383 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:37,969 Yeah, there's plenty of nice women out in the real world 384 00:15:38,004 --> 00:15:39,804 to meet the old-fashioned way. 385 00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:43,407 And on top of that, Tinder makes you gross. 386 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:47,311 ♪ There was a time when you'd be more selective ♪ 387 00:15:47,346 --> 00:15:51,182 ♪ When you were horny and feeling erective ♪ 388 00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:54,585 ♪ Now one swipe and there's thousands to bone ♪ 389 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,588 ♪ All from a sex app you use on your phone ♪ 390 00:15:57,623 --> 00:16:00,191 That's the Tinder. 391 00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:03,828 ♪ A lot of sad, lonely gals who want babies ♪ 392 00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:07,164 ♪ 300-pounders infested with scabies ♪ 393 00:16:07,199 --> 00:16:10,368 ♪ Leather gimps who do nothing but moan ♪ 394 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:14,205 ♪ These are the weirdos you find on your phone ♪ 395 00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,008 You know, a surprising number of them live near the airport. 396 00:16:17,043 --> 00:16:18,709 ♪ Gonorrhea ♪ 397 00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,012 ♪ H.P.V.-ah ♪ 398 00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:24,382 ♪ You will catch a dose ♪ 399 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:28,185 ♪ Of blisters and itching and genital warts ♪ 400 00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:31,990 ♪ 'Cause Tinder makes you so gross ♪ 401 00:16:34,026 --> 00:16:36,027 ♪ And for kids it's kind of tragic ♪ 402 00:16:36,062 --> 00:16:37,728 ♪ Sex for them has lost its magic ♪ 403 00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:41,532 ♪ Banging every Tom and Dick and Jack and Jill and Joan ♪ 404 00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:43,334 ♪ And this also might surprise you ♪ 405 00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:45,136 ♪ All your married friends despise you ♪ 406 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,171 ♪ 'Cause we're not allowed to have an orgy ♪ 407 00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:50,041 ♪ Through our phone ♪ 408 00:16:50,076 --> 00:16:51,876 ♪ You're perverted ♪ 409 00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:54,211 ♪ Barely human ♪ 410 00:16:54,246 --> 00:16:57,882 ♪ You're not even close ♪ 411 00:16:57,917 --> 00:17:01,552 ♪ A filthy degenerate seeking a thrill ♪ 412 00:17:01,587 --> 00:17:05,056 ♪ Your spirits and genitals run through the mill ♪ 413 00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:08,759 ♪ With plenty of holes and prescriptions to fill ♪ 414 00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:11,829 ♪ 'Cause Tinder makes you ♪ 415 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:15,767 ♪ So gross. ♪ 416 00:17:18,904 --> 00:17:20,171 You guys can just forget it. 417 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:21,739 I'm not quitting Tinder. 418 00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:25,743 Guys, I've been to the doctor's. 419 00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:28,413 I do have a baby in my butt. 420 00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,390 Mm, you're still here. 421 00:17:39,425 --> 00:17:41,859 Did we...? 422 00:17:43,095 --> 00:17:44,295 What the deuce? 423 00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,766 Brian! Brian! 424 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:51,035 Yes, is it possible to get Showtime for free 425 00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:54,071 for the next, like, two hours to see if I like it? 426 00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:55,272 Brian! 427 00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,945 What is this? What's happening to me? 428 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,413 Oh, my God, Stewie. 429 00:18:02,448 --> 00:18:04,982 It's got to be from wearing that damn brace all the time. 430 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:06,884 Your neck must have atrophied so much 431 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,385 it can no longer support your head. 432 00:18:08,420 --> 00:18:09,821 You've got to take me to the hospital. 433 00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:10,955 Absolutely. 434 00:18:10,990 --> 00:18:12,423 Let me just watch Jennifer's Body 435 00:18:12,458 --> 00:18:13,458 and we'll go right there. 436 00:18:13,492 --> 00:18:15,092 Brian, there's no nudity in that movie. 437 00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:16,127 Take me to the hospital! 438 00:18:16,128 --> 00:18:17,962 What, so it's rated "R" for curses? 439 00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:20,298 God, this country. 440 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,470 Is it, is it noticeable? 441 00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:27,805 Oh, nothing that can't be fixed 442 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,474 with a string of chili pepper Christmas lights. 443 00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:33,978 I wore that brace for the next five years of my life. 444 00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:36,180 The kids stopped cheering the second day. 445 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:40,518 Then it was just, "Get off the swing, you Christmas turd." 446 00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,991 I'll have another one, Jerome. 447 00:18:47,026 --> 00:18:48,859 You sure you haven't had too many? 448 00:18:48,894 --> 00:18:50,228 Just give me a drink. 449 00:18:52,498 --> 00:18:54,632 Sir, is everything all right? 450 00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,966 I'm fine. I'm fine, it... 451 00:18:56,001 --> 00:18:57,835 oh, h... oh, hey, uh, you on Tinder? 452 00:18:57,870 --> 00:19:00,104 What? That gross dating thing? 453 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,673 No. Look, I'm not trying to pick you up, 454 00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:05,009 it just seemed like you were upset about something, 455 00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:08,345 and I know when I'm upset, it's nice to let someone else in. 456 00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:09,380 Giggity. 457 00:19:09,415 --> 00:19:10,814 What did you just say? 458 00:19:10,849 --> 00:19:11,849 I-I-I don't know. 459 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:13,350 I think I said, I said, "Giggity." 460 00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:15,486 Okay. 461 00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:18,155 Come on, Quagmire, this is a real girl 462 00:19:18,190 --> 00:19:19,190 right in front of you. 463 00:19:19,191 --> 00:19:20,658 Just pick her up and take her home. 464 00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:21,726 You don't need your phone. 465 00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:24,728 Don't listen to him. I'm all you need. 466 00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:26,864 Are you really gonna listen to a phone over me? 467 00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,832 God, I don't know why I do this anymore. 468 00:19:28,867 --> 00:19:31,001 Don't give up, Miniature Quagmire. 469 00:19:31,036 --> 00:19:32,503 This is exactly why you got 470 00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:34,405 into the over-the-shoulder advice business. 471 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,207 Ignore him, Miniature Quagmire. 472 00:19:36,242 --> 00:19:38,676 Give up on your attempt to convince real Quagmire 473 00:19:38,711 --> 00:19:40,644 to not use Tinder, and to instead have sex 474 00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:42,347 with this woman who's right in front of him. 475 00:19:42,348 --> 00:19:43,380 Wait, what's going on? 476 00:19:43,415 --> 00:19:44,882 I'm just saying, you used to have skills 477 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,751 that no one else had, that took you years to hone. 478 00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:48,886 You were an artist. 479 00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,922 Ah, damn. I think I was too wordy. 480 00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,225 I'm still an artist. 481 00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:55,859 What was that? 482 00:19:55,894 --> 00:19:59,430 I was just saying, I am upset about something. 483 00:19:59,465 --> 00:20:00,764 I thought you were. 484 00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:02,199 Do you want to talk about it? 485 00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:03,234 I do. 486 00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:05,769 I buried my twin brother today. 487 00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:07,404 We were very close. 488 00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:11,342 We used to finish each other's, um... 489 00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:13,177 Sentences? 490 00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:15,112 Oh, oh, I just got chills. 491 00:20:15,147 --> 00:20:16,413 I'm Sandra. 492 00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:18,082 I'm Glenn. 493 00:20:18,117 --> 00:20:19,416 You know, I just, 494 00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:21,953 I just feel like my penis shouldn't be alone tonight. 495 00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:26,056 All right. 496 00:20:26,091 --> 00:20:28,592 Well, looks like Quagmire's back. 497 00:20:28,627 --> 00:20:31,428 Yep, he's scumming it up in the real world again. 498 00:20:31,463 --> 00:20:33,264 And all it took was for us to hire 499 00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:35,599 that $200 dirty prostitute 500 00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:37,801 to pretend to be a nice lady in a bar. 501 00:20:37,836 --> 00:20:39,770 I'm just glad she's a prostitute 502 00:20:39,805 --> 00:20:43,140 and not that lady murderer that's been all over the news. 503 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:46,577 Hi, I'm that prostitute you guys hired to seduce your friend. 504 00:20:46,612 --> 00:20:49,146 Oh, boy. Well, deal's off, he's dead. 505 00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:52,483 But perhaps we can make other arrangements. 506 00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:59,323 Hey, do you think I could try to kick one? 507 00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:01,926 No. You're all-time goalie.